V. Rivera (20:49)
Chance out of love or guilt or simply because you have history. And this is something that I 100 agree with. It doesn't matter the history you have with someone. It doesn't matter how long you've known someone, the time. That does not matter. You could meet someone tomorrow, you can meet someone within a month. And that relationship could have so much more depth and so much more like it. It could just be the one that you're like, wow, like, this is what like a friendship really should feel like. Or like this is, like this person is really pouring into me the same way I pour into them. Like it's reciprocated, you know? And I think a lot of the times we do stick around in either relationships or friendships because it's like, oh, like, oh, we have so much history. I've known this person for so long. Like, longevity does not equal loyalty or love for that matter. And I'm not saying that you just throw those things away, but I am just saying, like, how long you've known someone or like the time. Like, to me, I don't think any of that stuff matters because there's relationships that could come along that could be. Be exactly what you need and have more meaning than someone or someone you've been with or someone you've known for 10 years. And that's just what it is. And the last one is you feel like setting boundaries, but it makes you. You feel like setting boundaries makes you mean or disloyal or you feel bad about it. This is something that I really used to struggle with because I was not a boundary setter. I was very much just a people pleaser. So everyone was pleased around me. I had no boundaries. I had no inst. Stink. To say no at all. No was not even in my vocabulary. And draining, draining. Don't want to deal with that again. Bye. So if people only love you when they can get something out of you or when you're available and when it's just simply convenient for them, sis, that's not love, that's just access. And I think it's time to revoke that. Sometimes you just need to revoke access from whoever feels that they immediately have this hold over you that is clearly not healthy. I just started to say to myself, like, I don't owe to anybody who would never do the same for me. I've been beyond loyal to people who were like, checked out of friendships, relationships, whatever that may be. I would keep trying to show up and like, do the work and like, make it work because that's just the type of person I am. I believe in fixing things rather than just walking away. But sometimes it is okay to walk away, but I was thinking, like, because to me, loyalty equals love, you know? And it was really just me avoiding the grief of letting them go, like, letting this friendship go. And a lot of the times that's really hard to come to realization with. But ultimately, like, letting go is the best decision for the both of you, for your mental health. But I know I'm a great friend, and I will literally ride for mine. But I'm glad I realized, like, I don't have. I don't owe blind loyalty to just anybody, and I definitely shouldn't have to abandon myself for it, you know? Like, I have a really hard time with abandonment. Like, y' all know I don't have a relationship with my father, and that happened at a very young age. So as much as I try not to bring that with me into other relationships and in my adulthood, it does follow. And, yeah, it does require a lot of work and a lot of therapy, which I have been through, but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. So loyalty almost becomes like a defense mechanism for me, because if I'm good enough or I'm just, like, needed enough, then I won't be left or abandoned and. And in most cases, disappointed, which is absolutely wrong. It is not the way to think. It's not the way to go about life at all. Sometimes we just stay loyal to people because we just fear the emptiness that comes with letting go. And that is. It's so real because there is an emptiness that comes along with it, you know, and you have to deal with that. But I think it. It is putting you in the right position to open up yourself to more meaningful relationships and relationships that are just healthier and better for you overall. And I feel like a. I feel like a very good example of this is the whole. Do y' all remember the whole Jordyn woods and Kylie Jenner situation? That whole freaking scandal, which was insane. It was crazy because I feel like Jordan was canceled so hard after the Tristan Thompson scandal, and she was bullied all over social media. Like, in hindsight, it was very clear that she was kind of scapegoated the whole time. While Trist. While Tristan, who was, like, the master manipulator, he got chance after chance. Like, I feel like it was. It was so weird to watch. Like, I feel like Chloe just gave him chance after chance after chance, and the whole family loved him even more. Like, even after he totally. Like, he played a part in that, too. Right? Like, I can't be blind here. Like, He. But they were treating him like he was just some king and it was just so weird. But, yeah, the man gets this treatment, but the girl got X'd out. She got bullied. She got. It was terrible. And I feel like we still, till this day don't know exactly what happened. Like, she was like, what, sitting on his lap? I don't even really remember. It was just. I just know I felt bad about the whole situation because of the girls. Like, Kylie and Jordan's friendship overall, I think the way she got iced out from the whole family felt really performative. And even though Jordan had been a loyal ass friend for years, like, she was loyal as shit to Kylie. Think about all of the shit, all of the secrets, all of the scandals that she probably knew about. And that girl never opened her mouth up, not once. But now look at her. Like, Jordan, I love to see her. She's glowing. She's thriving. She is. She's truly unbothered. And. And then they quietly get, like, cool again. It was so weird to me. You guys have to let me know what you guys think about that whole situation. I know it's a little old, but I just feel like it really does seek to the fact that, like, women are punished more than the men involved sometimes. And I feel like some friendships really only last when you're just, you know, complacent and silent and you don't stick up for yourself. Yeah, that was. That was a time in pop culture, wasn't it? One of the hardest truths I've really had to learn was that the closest ones to you will be the ones who disappoint or hurt you. You really. You say it all the time. Like you're. Like, this person would never. They would never. Like, I would never expect this behavior from this person. And then it smacks you in the face and you're just like, what? Like it really throws you for a loop. Like you feel like you're going crazy. It's friends who pretend to support us, but secretly just hope you don't rise too, too high. Like, you can do good, but not better than me. And. Me and my sister actually had this conversation the other day because we've been in so many situations lately where we. Where we feel that way. And not even just by friends, but family. Like, families. It'd be family, like, the most important. These people are supposed to be the most important people in your life. And you feel that way about your own family. And it really sucks because to me, there's so much room for everyone at the top, especially women. Like, I think we're just better off when we collaborate rather than competing and putting each other against each other. Like, I've never been about that and I will never stand for it. But I mean, let's be real. Not every relationship or friendship ends in a full blown betrayal. Sometimes it just ends in those little, those little dismissive comments or those little snarky remarks. And also just the one sided silence when you're doing well. It's not that they hate you, it's just that they probably don't really like the version that you're becoming because it shows them what they lack or makes them reflect on their own growth or lack thereof. So that's probably why it gets silent when you win, you know? And you have to learn how to just not take things personally. Like, I don't take personally in my 30s. It just is what it is at this point. Like, I'm just not gonna make it my problem. Especially if you're not communicating it with me or you're not telling me how you feel, feel in our friendship, whatever it may be. It's null and void, babe. And don't expect other people to, like, just cater to you and your needs. Like, you have to learn communication. But overall, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though, right? But I think it sure as hell doesn't mean that you need someone like that in your corner. And you shouldn't, you shouldn't have a quote unquote friend like that in your corner. Like, you should constantly be hyping up your friends. Like, I like to say that I cheat my, my friends like I'm their man. Like, I treat my friends with princess treatment. And that's why any man they're with, I'm like, especially my friend Maria, she's always like, you have big shoes to fill. Like, V has to be 100%, like, okay, he's good enough for you. Because the. That I've been doing for my friends, I don't know, I make a real good boyfriend. I think my girls deserve the world. Like, I look at them and I'm like, you don't deserve anything less than the world. So I want to see a partner do that for them. I want to see them in friendships and all their relationships around them. Like, I want, I want you to be treated that way. Like, I think everyone deserves that. But in case you can't really see it out the gate and maybe you're having those little feelings, but you're like, I hear V, but I Don't know. I need. I need more proof. Here it is. Here are some subtle signs to look out for of passive jealousy or even a straight up fake support. So if you feel like any of these you can relate to. You gotta start getting your together, okay? Get it right, get it tight. Backhanded compliments. This one gets me all the time. Because it's like, you could have just said nothing. You could have said nothing and kept it moving. Like, wow, you're doing all that. I could never. Good. I could. Good for you. Like, girl, shut up. No one loves. I hate a backhanded compliment. I think that is one of my biggest pet peeves. It's definitely up there. The silent treatment. Whenever you share good news. Oh, all of a sudden, they're John Cena, we can't see you. Okay, I got it, sis. They downplay your achievements. Like, if they're like, oh, that's cool, but it's not that big of a deal, right? Like, no, every achievement is. Is an achievement. It needs to be celebrated. I feel like us, as women, we need to stop downplaying our achievements. I don't care if you won a. A hot dog eating contest. Celebrate that, please. Like, brag about it. Like, I want to see you with 10 hot dogs in your mouth on Instagram. I want to see it all. Like, I think we only think accomplishments need to be these big, huge things, and it's like, no, it can be something as small as, like, hey, I got out of bed and I showered today after my depressive episode. Go celebrate that. If that's a big deal to my friend, like, I'm gonna make it a big deal for me, and I'm gonna hype it up too. That's just how it is. Like, it's kind of like one of those things that's like, if you like it, I love it. Like, I don't have to like anything that you like. Like. Like, I don't love all of the things that my friends like and stuff, but if I see that passion, I see how much they love it, and they're, like, so into it, and they're happy and it brings them joy. That is what makes me happy. Not, like, the initial thing. It's just, like, the happiness that comes from them and, like, knowing they're happy about it, you know, if that makes any sense. Okay. They're suddenly MIA when things are going right for you, but they want to be right there whenever you're in the trenches. Like, no, we do not need friends like that. Like, I don't want to be just going through misery with you all the time. Like, we can't both be miserable ass bitches. Like, we have to cheer for each other and get each other out of these trenches sometimes. Like, that's just not. I'm not a good friend to me. Like, if they seem supportive when you're struggling, but then when the energy shifts when you're winning, like that's an issue. That's really weird. And that's probably because they're talking about you. People like to celebrate when you're miserable, but then God forbid that you know you're winning and it's known to the world that you're happy about it. Like two and two together. They probably can't be happy about it cuz they've been talking about you. But these behaviors, they. They hurt so much and they cut so deep because we expect this energy from strangers. Not the people that we call our. Our friends and our besties and not the people that we love. And we hold so much space for them. And it's just sad that they can't hold space for us too. Like, there's so many times in life that I felt like I did something major and I'm like, hey, turn up. Like, let's celebrate. And a lot of the people that I thought would be there turning up with me, Not a word. Definitely not a word. But once you pay attention to the silence, you can't really unhear it. So that's when you just have to distance yourself. You know, it's all. We're all learning, we're all growing, we're all evolving. And a lot of these relationships and friendships can't make it past season one. And that's just what it is. So I want to know what's a red flag that you might have missed in a friendship that eventually fell apart? Because here at the Cheeseman corner, we have open conversation, baby. Like, I want to hear it all. I want to hear. I want to hear y' all friendship tea. Cuz I think. I think I give pretty good advice. Like I. I'll. You know, you guys know, you guys know. I will keep it real with you. So. But okay. Cheese Mosas. So if this episode hit a little too close to home, please know this. You don't need to dim your light for people still trying to figure out how to shine, period. Let them misunderstand you. Just let them go. Let that shit go. The ones meant to be in your next chapter will never be intimidated by your evolution and your growth. Keep glowing. Keep growing. That's the best that we can do. So that's a wrap on today's Cheeseman. But don't let the conversation stop here. Let's keep it going. Make sure to subscribe on our YouTube, where you get to watch the podcast every Wednesday, leave a review, and follow me at Beautify Me on socials for even more real talk. Until next time, take care of yourselves. And remember, there's always room for more chisme here at the Chisme corner. Bye.
