Biggie Smalls on a see-saw

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Biggie Smalls on a See-Saw
Host: Joey “Coco” Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Date: November 11, 2025
Location: NYC (Live episode)

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode of The Church of What's Happening Now, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt unpack the realities of life, comedy, skyrocketing prices, the changing face of American leisure (from casinos to air travel), and the importance of genuine, organic moments—on stage and off. Broadcasting live from New York, the duo offer an unfiltered, humorous, and sometimes poignant take on everything from edible mishaps and rent gouging to gambling scandals and behind-the-scenes comedy philosophies. While the laughs never stop, there’s a recurring undertone of nostalgia for "the way things used to be" and a concern for how today’s economic and social climate impacts families and the working class.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Weekend Recap & Edible Adventures (00:03–03:02)

• Joey and Lee recap their recent comedy show at MGM Grand in DC. Joey jokes about Lee’s struggle with edibles and a massive ribeye dinner preceding his set.
• Memorable Quote:
  Lee: "You give me edibles and then you put me on stage." [00:32] Joey: "Those edibles leech with you. Something’s going on with your liver or something." [00:39]
• They share stories about awkward travel logistics, including walking to the casino because of outlandish Uber prices.
• Joey reflects on the camaraderie and good staff at the venue, giving a shout-out to old friend John Rollo.

2. Travel, Shrinkflation, and the New "Normal" (04:41–13:22)

• Joey laments the demise of comfortable airline travel—no more mingling, worse service, and astronomical costs.
• Lee mentions “shrinkflation”: products getting smaller, prices getting higher.
• Memorable Quote:
  Joey: "The American public is getting their ass kicked on a daily fucking basis." [08:40]
  • $750 plane tickets for Thanksgiving are out of reach for most families—Joey emphasizes how this change kills traditional experiences for working-class families.
  • Joey’s specific outrage at seeing long-standing brands (Big Macs, juices, Cheez-Its) reduce size and quality.
• Discussion shifts to governmental stalling and how little Congress acts when regular people are hurting.

3. The Cost of Living—From EBT to Steaks (11:19–18:16)

• Lee and Joey tackle the difficulty of living on government assistance, comparing real grocery costs against EBT benefits.
• They reflect on how inflation and corporate greed price everyday experiences—restaurants, sporting events, and even basic groceries—out of reach for the average family.
• Notable Quote:
  Joey: “The games aren’t for us. The games aren’t for fat 50-year-olds in a Jet game. They're for kids, man. And that’s what else has happened in this country—we’ve forgotten.” [19:40]

4. Rent, Cars, and Salesmen: The Economics of Everyday Life (20:09–33:40)

• Joey and Lee dissect the futility of rent control, the spike in car prices (new and used), and how sales tactics exploit consumers.
• Discussion of salesmanship—Joey’s car dealer days—and how the internet has empowered consumers but hasn't stopped markups.
• Lee shares his recent frustrations with both suit and car salespeople, feeling pressured and taken advantage of.
• Advice: Know your number, negotiate, and be wary of “addendums” in new car pricing.

5. Cannabis, Casinos, and New Kinds of Entertainment (38:11–58:03)

• Joey recounts getting a “Christmas and Hanukkah all wrapped into one” weed care package from the rhythm dispensary (joints, edibles, swag).
• Extended discussion of how legalized gambling (e.g., DraftKings) and weed delivery have shifted the way Americans pursue fun at home versus old Vegas-style experiences.
• Lee reveals he’s having casino tables at his wedding, wishing there were places to play high-stakes “for fun” and win prizes instead of money.

6. Gambling—From Vegas Legends to Online Betting (58:03–76:55)

• Joey and Lee reflect on the old Vegas days, the appeal of gambling, and how the landscape has shifted with online betting.
• Rumination on the recent sports betting scandals (baseball, NBA), why pro athletes risk everything, and the pressure of house-of-cards criminality.
• On the Ease of Online Gambling:
  Joey: “Listen, man, the country’s very hip to gambling now. We thought that growing up, people gambled. Not like they’re gambling now." [51:59]
• They stress knowing personal limits—Joey’s rules for responsible, "entertainment-only" betting and warnings for young listeners about escalation.

7. The Philosophy of Stand-Up and Organic Performance (89:19–98:51)

• Joey gets reflective about comedy, discussing his preference for loosely-structured, in-the-moment stand-up over canned routines.
• Quote:
  Joey: “I could not fucking imagine going up there and doing the same line every night from beginning to fucking end. I’m quitting. I’m quitting. Within a week, I’ll quit.” [94:55]
• He draws inspiration from Marlon Brando—referencing the actor’s method of writing his lines on props or people for authenticity.
• Emphasis on tying personal stories and audience energy into every set, letting the room impact the show’s direction.

8. Nostalgia for Old LA & Life’s Everyday Joys (103:08–108:53)

• Joey and Lee recall favorite food spots, dive bars, and unique characters from their LA days—the sushi spots, the Massage Envy neighbor, secret spots.
• Lee shares memories of Joey dragging him out on edible-fueled nights and late-night adventures.
• Jokes about awkwardness around massages:
  Lee: “I just got into them a couple years ago... the first one I got was with a dude... Best one I’ve gotten by far.” [102:48]

9. Random Life and Comedy Observations

• Discussions spiral into observations about personal hygiene (including a highly graphic “loofah for your ass” technique), bidets, and bodily maintenance.
• Note: Joey’s unfiltered, graphic humor persists throughout.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Modern Air Travel:
  “It looks like a bunch of fucking idiots sitting there, like, waiting for something… That’s not the way it used to be.” – Joey [05:07]

• On Shrinkflation:
  “Go to your favorite restaurant and get a salad. It’s not a salad bowl anymore. It’s a salad dish.” – Joey [07:23]

• On the Cost of Family Entertainment:
  “Because they’ve destroyed the American family. The Yankees, the Boston Red Sox, all these teams that pride themselves... have not overlooked their greediness.” – Joey [17:04]

• On Sales Tactics:
  “A price on a used car is what you’ll pay for it. That’s it.” – Joey [29:46]

• On Gambling Responsibly:
  “When I go on DraftKings, it’s entertainment. I don’t go over a certain amount… Nine and a half times out of 10, I’m gonna lose 50." – Joey [73:01]

• On Comedy:
  “I like working organically. See where you’re going with them. Where are we going? What the fuck do they need to hear this joke tonight?” – Joey [95:24]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:03–03:02: Weekend recap, edible mishaps, DC show praise
• 04:41–13:22: Air travel, food costs, inflation, nostalgia for affordability
• 13:25–20:09: EBT, costs of living, American family under siege
• 20:09–33:40: Rent, car prices, salesmanship
• 38:11–41:29: Rhythm weed bundle and the joys of free marijuana
• 47:10–58:03: Gambling at home, casino nostalgia, Lee's casino-themed wedding
• 58:03–76:55: Sports betting scandals, gambling warnings, changes in Vegas
• 89:04–98:51: The approach to stand-up, Brando’s unorthodox style, organic sets
• 103:08–108:53: Old LA nostalgia, food, late night adventures, massage stories

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Episode Closing

This episode captures the essence of Joey and Lee’s friendship—raw, hilarious, sometimes dark, but deeply rooted in a love for community, storytelling, food, and lived experience. Whether riffing on the indignities of adulthood or the mysteries of a perfectly folded suit, they ground highly current critiques in warm, relatable banter.

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Recommended for: Fans of comedy, storytelling, nostalgic reflections, and those curious (or concerned) about the inflation-era American experience.
Tone: Unfiltered, conversational, irreverent, and occasionally poignant.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people, I'm here with my trusted fucking Kato, Lee Sciatico, I'm your Uncle Joe. And we're here for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's happening Now? The New Testament. It's November 11th. How many Mondays left of Christmas?

[B]

Not enough.

[A]

Not enough. Get your shit together. What's up, dog?

[B]

Good to see you, dude. It's been a fun weekend.

[A]

I just saw you Saturday. I know. Good to see you. I thought you were missing in action or something like that.

[B]

What are you missing in action?

[A]

You were fucked up Saturday night. Goddamn.

[B]

You give me edibles and then you.

[A]

Put me on stage. A little cube. You went on stage.

[B]

I was fine. I just. We had it. Then we got 20.

[A]

Those edibles leak with you. Something's going on with your liver or something.

[B]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

Because they hit you up later on.

[B]

Now it makes you feel better than Joey. I think your liver's fucked up.

[A]

No, something is wrong. Because you ate the edible. You were high, everybody thought you were high. And then you ate dinner and next thing you know you're walking around in circles.

[B]

Well, I had a 20 ounce ribeye. It was fucking a lot of food.

[A]

And the French fries.

[B]

Oh, I didn't have that many French fries.

[A]

Macaroni and cheese.

[B]

Well, you're acting first of all, like, you didn't eat any of that. Like, you had, like, you had the cauliflower steak with a salad. You ordered everything. I ate like three fries. They were on your side of the table, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, but I ate two fries.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, two fries.

[A]

The mashed potatoes are this small. Everything was this small. I'm like, well, who's gonna eat this shit? I'm like, me.

[B]

It was good.

[A]

Yeah, it was good. It was fun. After the show. Listen, DC's very nice. I want to thank the fucking MGM grand for having us. You know, it was a great night. Big fucking place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy shit. I got into walking. I'm like, nah, nah, that's okay. I woke up that morning, went to smoke pot outside, and there was no chairs. That's a nightmare. The sun shining, you're out there standing like 10 minutes, you don't want to stand no more, I guess.

[B]

Why did you just sit on the curb?

[A]

No, you can't sit on the curb. There ain't no curb.

[B]

No, there's no. Oh, I didn't. I spent zero.

[A]

You gotta like go on the wall. It's a metal wall. An aunt bit me.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Like that. You know what?

[B]

I'm saying I almost didn't make the show.

[A]

I know you.

[B]

I almost didn't make. Because I was staying around the corner because it was a busy weekend at the casino. And listen, I'm not a cheap person, but The Ubers were 20 minutes away and were 40 bucks for a. For like a 15 minute. And it was gonna take me less time to just walk there. So I just walked, which I would never would have done back in LA at 300. One of the. The hardest you laughed at me is when you saw me walking with Steve Simone and Jimmy Schubert when the COVID just started walking.

[A]

You were crooked.

[B]

Yeah, I was being dragged.

[A]

You were this way. And you're. You were walking like the guy in Young Frankenstein. I'm like, what is that?

[B]

It's Lee being forced to walk.

[A]

And he went home and slept eight hours after.

[B]

Oh, that.

[A]

I kept calling him. Where is he? Out. Destroyed his insides and like that.

[B]

And I walked to the casino. It was great. A real fun show. You know who was great at this casino? The staff was really great.

[A]

Staff is always great.

[B]

They were, and they usually are. But this one specifically was. There was a security guard up by the. By the green room that was super cool. It was just great. It was a lot of fun. You know who we got to meet? John Rollo. I had never met him. He called in like early. Early podcasts, like when we were doing it at six in the morning. I don't think I ever met him. I'm almost positive I never came to Baltimore with you.

[A]

Good white dude. He owns. He runs that school, ground control in Baltimore stuff. I've known Rallo for a long fucking time, and that dude's as big as can be. And the reason why him and I chimed together, because I remember sitting at a table with a bunch of big dudes and fighters, and we were talking about Cats, and one of the fighters said, joey, shut the fuck up. Talking about Cats. And John Rylo goes, well, I got six of them too. We got a problem. And it was fucking classic. It was classic. And then he was telling me he choked out a guy at Giant Stadium during a Baltimore Giant game. The guy kept yakking, and he put his arm around him and just put him to sleep and sat him down. It was fucking hilarious. So I've known Jon for a long fucking time. Listen, it was just a good time all around, you know, the ride was brutal. That's one thing on the way down there, dog. I forgotten. I trained that day. And I got in that car and I Only got out of the car to pee for 10 minutes. I didn't move. I just got out of the car. Becky went to the bathroom and I go, I don't even have enough energy to go in there. My dick is gonna pee on myself. I just peed by the truck. She got back, she didn't even know I peed. She goes, did you go to the bathroom? Oh, yeah, yeah. I walked in behind you. I was in the other hall.

[B]

I don't know why you didn't listen.

[A]

To me, but the way back was quick, you know?

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

But you know, man, a lot of weird shit going on. I mean, thank God we didn't have to get on a plane this weekend.

[B]

Oh, I know, dog.

[A]

How long have I been talking about planes for not to get on them no more?

[B]

Years.

[A]

People don't want to listen. And now they gotta listen because now it's over. It's over. Listen, first of all, it's never gonna be the way it was when we were fucking doing our thing. You think it's gonna be the way it was? Never gonna be like that anymore, huh?

[B]

And what already wasn't good. I remember my parents talk about, like, there being like, meals on, like, a plane, flight, coach. How could it possibly get worse?

[A]

It's just over the years, people got greedier. They put an extra seat, they cut the leg room, and they don't give a fuck. It's like any. Listen, it's like any other business right now that's running. They just don't give a fuck about you. You have to assume at one point you're like, they don't fucking take care of me. This is not. You know, when you're on a plane, I want you to get up and look behind you at one point and look what it looks like. It looks like a bunch of fucking idiots sitting there, like, waiting for something. And it's like, that's not the way it used to be. They allowed you to get up and mingle and fucking. There was a bar in the middle, so at least you had an excuse to get up. If this guy, an idiot, didn't want to fart, you could just sit in the end seat and get up and move. That's not. Think about the whole. It's not even. And I'm not bitching. This is 35 years of flying on the go. This isn't some guy that just flies once a year. And I'm here to lay my fucking voice down. And I've seen it, you know?

[B]

I mean, you gotta switch To Amtrak. They have the cafe car. They. It's not. There's no chance.

[A]

You can't sleep on there either.

[B]

You can't sleep on planes.

[A]

It don't matter. Three hours is the most. Can you imagine jiggling? And you don't know if a guy's gonna stop for a red light. I got enough problems with a fucking.

[B]

Train for a red light. That train's gonna obliterate that motherfucker.

[A]

Yeah. But then again, I'm in the train, shaking up and down. I saw the Fugitive. I saw how the fucking thing goes down. You know, I'm talking about flying Lee. You know, like, what the fuck happened? But then again, you gotta ask yourself, what the fuck happened about a lot of things. What the fuck happened? I seen a picture of the Big Mac. That motherfucker's a White Castle burger. I didn't see it live, but somebody put a picture up on the Internet, on Facebook, and they're like, what happened to the Big Mac? And they looked at it in 1995. And the big Mac today, dog. I went to a place today that I love and admire. They make fresh juices there, and they're delicious. But let me tell you something. Every time you get one of those juices, it's 11 bucks. Yeah, $11.50.

[B]

Everything's $11.

[A]

And I mean, it's like a regular, freshly squeezed juice, but it's fresh. They got the cantaloupe, they got the watermelon. It's good. I went there today. They changed the bottles on you. The bottles are a little smaller, but everybody's doing that. Go to your favorite restaurant and get a salad. It's. It's not a salad bowl anymore. It's a salad dish. What's that? It's an allerg. It's an. It's a salad Octave. What's that shape? That's just a little slant. It's not a. It's not really a bowl.

[B]

Octagon.

[A]

Not fucking octagon.

[B]

I don't know what does sell octagon.

[A]

Octagon is a bunch of different fucking things. I'm talking about when there's just a little dip. That's what I got soup the other day at a place that I go to all the time. They left the soup bowl the same size, but they took two inches off of water.

[B]

Damn. Do you talk? Do you ask them about it?

[A]

Oh, I don't. I just don't go back.

[B]

Everyone's doing it.

[A]

You just don't go back to Cheez its now, huh?

[B]

Cheez its are my cheeses. Cheez its the crackers. The boxes are like little mini like that. You can fit them in your pocket.

[A]

Now.

[B]

They call it Shrinkflation. And they're still making things more expensive, but they make it tinier, so you have to. So you have to buy, like three of them.

[A]

You know, the American public is getting their ass kicked on a daily fucking basis. So this Thanksgiving, the average plane ticket to travel is $750. So if you got a family of four, that's three grand at least. You don't know when you're gonna take off and you don't know when you're landing. You might make it to Grandma's or you might not. Can you imagine? I give you $3,000, and that's to sit in the back and smell funny with foreigners and shit like that. And convicts, okay? And fat people in the back that don't want to pay for the middle seat up front or whatever the fuck they do. You're back there sniffing all that shit for $3,000, and you don't even know if you're gonna make it there. And that's what depresses me about the whole thing. And that's why I tell people before, why would you throw. It's like me going on stage with no material. Like just taking off a year and going on stage at the Garden expecting to kill. What do you think is gonna be different? I don't wanna ever do anything on a percentage basis. Think about it. What if tomorrow something happens? You gotta fly. Go see your dad in Florida. You know it's an emergency. He's getting old right now, you can't even count on that no more. I can't count on it. I don't even know if I'll make it there. But that old man fucking dies by the time I get there.

[B]

Even private? Even private. They're not taking off. I heard.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

So it's not like you can even get around it.

[A]

No, you better get the roller skates on and fucking whatever, or mind your business.

[B]

The train.

[A]

I had a friend of mine last week that. He goes, what do you think? And I go, listen, what's weighing on this? And he goes, my kids are gonna be flying. It's a wedding. And now they want us to stay Sunday for the family reunion. I go do it on Zoom. Zoom worked for a long fucking time now. People forgot about Zoom. Go back to Zoom. We're not gonna make this week. Is Skank Fest.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And they're a little Worried?

[B]

Yeah, I don't blame em.

[A]

They're a little fucking worried. I mean we have a mutual friend that got on a plane yesterday in Little rock, Arkansas at 8 o' clock in the morning and didn't make it back to New Jersey till fucking 2:00' clock this afternoon. And that's a reality of doing comics. So right now I'm expecting like this weekend for them to be a lot of calls switching comics. I'm surprised I haven't a call, I haven't gotten a call yet. Would I be interested in doing an early show somewhere? Because people are not gonna make it this weekend. The flights are getting cut up to 10% and then they pick back up again. Now that Congress is back.

[B]

Let's hope they come back.

[A]

They come back and Congress ain't listen, they ain't moving fast.

[B]

No, I wouldn't. They get paid no matter what.

[A]

What about the EBT people? Do they get their food now?

[B]

I think they did in November. They got it. It took them a while to get it, but. And it's not even like most of them get like 2, 300amonth. It's not like they're getting 10,000, like they're getting barely enough, like.

[A]

But Lee, 300 to them is like 3,000.

[B]

Oh, I know. And they, they need it. But I'm just saying like the people were so upset about it. Imagine like you if Your family had 300amonth on food, you couldn't go grocery shopping for 300amonth.

[A]

But it's a supplement, it's three a month.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Plus what you're getting on the side. But if I'm counting on that, the food, I mean, you're not looking at that ebt. I don't think you could spend it on clothes, right? I mean, I don't know.

[B]

No, it's just, it's just food.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. So it's like you're going to buy a fucking Armani suit with the 500 they give you, you know, so what I'm trying to say is, with the prices of shit the way they are, think about it. Fucking 100 bucks at a supermarket gets you seven items, if you're lucky, eight items. And one of them is a six pack or something. And look what that six pack was a year ago, look what it is today. Milk is 5.49 now. A year and a half ago it was 349 or two years ago. When we moved here it was 349. Now it's $5.49. I think if you go to Walmart, it's five bucks.

[B]

You go and buy milk?

[A]

No, but my wife tells me all this stuff.

[B]

I would love to see you in a grocery store.

[A]

I do. I go to shoprite places. I go to shoprite, but I don't have a starting price, all right? Because I don't know what really goes on. I just know that when I pick up stuff, I go, hmm, Things that make you say, mm, like things like, you know, things that a while ago were different. I went to Cheesecake Factory last week for lunch.

[B]

You love Cheesecake Factory.

[A]

Go once a week. I go once a week. I get my little chicken tortilla soup sandwich. I know exactly what I'm getting. And guess what else? I get the chicken enchiladas, okay? Delicious. With white rice and black beans. Delicious. Nobody bothers me. I know exact moment. I get. I get my fucking iced tea with extra lemon. I get that brown bread.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The pumpkin nickel there is stronger than death. You dip it in the fucking. In the chicken tortilla soup. Forget about it. But my point was, right. Guy next to me was Amanigan white guy with a. You know, And I was listening to him and he was asking the prices of alcohol, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was listening and I kept going, wow. When he asked him for a classic margarita, the classic one not even with the agave and the Cointreau.

[B]

20.

[A]

1799. Yeah, 1799. Guys, listen.

[B]

I know you like the Cheesecake Factory.

[A]

That thing.

[B]

That place has turned into Morton's price wise.

[A]

Listen, I'm not concerned with the Cheesecake Factory, not the Cheesecake Factory. I'm talking about. I'm talking about that fucking cocktail, right? I'm talking about that if you dump your fiance and you take a girl out next week, you're going to spend average of 45. If she drinks three martinis. Oh, that's low and that's average. That's 15 a glass right there. My point is that 17.99 for a fucking margarita. Now, I hadn't had a margarita in a long time. I had dog. Last time I drank margaritas, there were $4.50. And that was a top shelf on that place in Boulder.

[B]

What decade was this?

[A]

1990. And when I left Boulder in 95, there was a place called south of the Border or something like that. Cross something. They had a three margarita limit at night and a two margarita limit for lunch. And the margaritas for lunch were dollar margaritas. They were this small because they made them a White grain alcohol. And you didn't even taste it. That's 140 proof fucking A drink. You get fucked up. And for six months I would go in there every Sunday with a girl. We try to roofie each other and drink the fucking margaritas from there and get fucked up. We take a roofie and get fucked up drink.

[B]

You would take a roofie?

[A]

Fuck yeah. Why wait for somebody to dose me? Get the party started on your own. I wanted to see what everybody was talking about.

[B]

What does the roofie feel like? Do you like it?

[A]

Great. Yeah. Oh, it's great. I'll do them again if I can find them. But you can't ask somebody, where can I buy those? Because they'll think you're a freak, right? You want the same and go. You want the same chemical that's in Rohipno. I think that's what it's called. Rohypno. Yeah. I used to roofie her at least just to roof for me. We used to roof each other.

[B]

Jesus, that's romantic, that, bro.

[A]

That's the way to do it. These little guys that go on the. You know.

[B]

Would you even know if you hooked up or would you just wake up next to each other?

[A]

Past the just wake up next to each other. I looked to see if she was naked and there was splatter. Blood splatter, juice splatter.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So I knew something happened to the room smell. Funny, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh, I love that. I love the one when it smells. They said they still have good deals in New York. There's a place they do comedy. They have a 4 for 20 shots and the little mini, like tiny little, like plastic cups, but it's four for 10. People come in quick. It's in Greenwich Village. And they kind. They get 4 for 20 and they're in and out in three months. Shots.

[A]

Shots.

[B]

Shots, yeah.

[A]

What kind of shots?

[B]

Any shot you want. They have one with gummy bears in it.

[A]

But it's. It's. It's the. Well shots probably. Yeah, yeah. Okay. What are you bothering me for? But $17 for a margarita? I ate my lunch on like 17 fucking dollars. Again, I'm not cheap, but if I had two of those, that's 36 bucks.

[B]

You're not cheap, but it really, like, why does it upset you so much but someone else is paying for someone who's not buying a merger?

[A]

Because I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about the kid in college that wants to take his girlfriend out. I Worry about George and his ex wife and their two daughters when they wanted to go do something. I'm not worrying about me. George always invites me to Yankee tickets. And you know why I don't go?

[B]

Because you don't like walking.

[A]

No. You know why I don't really go to any of those fucking games? Because they've destroyed the American family. The Yankees, the Boston Red Sox, all these teams that pride themselves in all this shit, have not overlooked their greediness and the ticket prices. To look at the fucking family of four in this country, whenever I think of anything, I think of the family. Even when I go. Listen, when we go to fucking that Cuban place, there's five steaks and everything with it for 125 bucks. That's the family of four. Because you take a steak out, two appetizers and fucking the sodas, and that's 100 bucks for four people. And that's what it should be. Lee, I can live with that. That's a fine barter right there. But for a state to be 85 fucking dollars.

[B]

Oh, I know, okay.

[A]

And I know the meat's high, but it ain't that fucking high for you to justify that again. A family of four might get two of those and split it with the kids. That's 160, you know? I mean, this is the shit I think of. I'm not thinking about me. I'm thinking about. I grew up in fucking, that, that Knickerbocker Stadium, whatever they play over there, the Garden there. Yeah, we grew up there. We grew up there. And I'm not talking about let's get tickets for December 28th. No, no, no. What are we doing? This ends at fucking 7:30. We could be over there by 8:15. What do you think? Let's get a car, shoot over. That's what it was. And tickets were subpar. You didn't get killed. Can't do that no more. That takes half the fun away. You think I want to get tickets for February 11th? Now, you know how many things could happen by February fucking 11th? And here you are in your casket with two sticks of tickets. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, it just, it took away that for me. Like when I really get to think about it, I'm like, wait a second. That's all that you see at a ball game as kids. The games aren't for us. The games aren't for fat 50 year olds in a Jet game. They're for kids.

[B]

You Think so?

[A]

They're for fucking kids, man. And that's what else has happened in this country we've forgotten. That's why those 50 year olds, it's acceptable to put a Lawrence Taylor jersey on and walk out there like looking like a fucking idiot. You look like a fucking idiot. Like your body doesn't even, it's not even cut out for your body. And they put a sweater under it, you know, I mean, what the fuck?

[B]

So what would you do to like, is there a way to change it? Or you think it's gone?

[A]

Gone? 10 years ago they raised the price of luggage because the price of gas went up. Maybe it was 10 years ago. I'm not a genius here. I'm not a gas price analyst. Maybe it was eight years ago. Price has gone down on gas 18 times. Did they give you back your 100 bucks for luggage?

[B]

Never going to happen.

[A]

Once they take it, it's very tough for them to give it back. Okay, Lee? It's very tough for them to give it back. It's like if I call you and go, leet, I gotta have a word with you. I really like you and I like the nights you played at my club, but we overpaid you by 200 bucks. You did 300 shows. So it's time to fucking pay up. You know, like, yeah, you follow me? We're in the same fucking realm here. You can't do that. You can't do that now. So everybody, you know, it's like, again, I don't want to, I'm not even gonna get into it. But every platform you see that somebody runs, they run on lowering control prices, controlling rent. That's not going to happen. What do you think you're going to get one of those Habib landlords and say, excuse me, I want you to be a very nice guy and lower your prices from 5,000amonth to 3,000amonth because we're trying to get rent control. That guy will slam the door in your face like another 99 landlords and property owners will. We already fought so hard to get the price up and now like New York prices? Oh yeah, yeah, they're going to get slashed. We're going to slash New York prices.

[B]

You know what's crazy? It's, it makes more sense for people in New York to keep apartments unrented. Like the, the rent controlled apartments. They can only raise rent by X amount of dollars. And if it costs them 100 grand or whatever to update it. There's thousands of apartments that are empty in New York.

[A]

Yeah. They're control and the people. Listen, there's the problem in New York. Same problem with a bunch of these places is that nobody's dying. And they were supposed to be in there for 10 years, and one day they said, wait a second, I'm going to pay a $3,000 mortgage. I got an 800 apartment down in the city. I got a fucking garage and I got a mouse or two, but I can live with that. Yeah, I got a mouse or two, and I can live with that. And I'll live here for the rest of my life. My friend still has his rent control department in Hollywood. I think it's up. He's had it. I moved there 27 years ago. He had it two years before that. And it's like $1200 in the heart of Hollywood.

[B]

Oh, his landlord must be pissed.

[A]

He won't leave it. He won't. He'll never give it up.

[B]

Never. Why would he?

[A]

He pays rent by the year. He writes a check by the year. And he goes there three, four times a year. And he has an appointment if you call him up. And I'm going to L. A. I go, where are you staying? I'm staying at my house. I got it right there. It's on. Curse on you. Walk to 7:11, you walk to Santa Monica. It's right there. It's in the heart of fucking Hollywood. Twelve hundred a month.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

It's not, you know, you're not sitting next to Leo DiCaprio. But I don't want 1200amonth in fucking Hollywood. In the heart of Hollywood. So rent control works, but if you don't move out, if you don't evolve into. I got married, I got four kids. I'm not gonna stay in an apartment. You gonna see these people. They're gonna start staying there more than they were before.

[B]

I would.

[A]

You're not gonna lower rents. You're not gonna lower. Oh, we're gonna lower gas car prices. A car in this country is $50,000 average sticker right now. You go look at a fucking used car. I took my car to service last week. There were two cars just like mine, dawg. I don't even want to tell you what they want. They're more expensive than when they were fucking new. Yeah, they're higher than when they were new. When I left service, the girl hit me up and said, hey, good to see you again. Do you want to sell your car? Cause we'll give you a ton of loot. And I go, but it got Hit. We don't give a fuck. We don't give a fuck.

[B]

Is it because like the, the tariffs or something? They can't, they're bringing the cars in from out of country.

[A]

They're looking for those fucking big time. Now. Did you sell that up?

[B]

Because I've heard it, I've heard that from car dealers. Did you sell used or new cars when you were a dealer?

[A]

Both.

[B]

I heard you make more money on used.

[A]

On use.

[B]

Why is that?

[A]

There's no price sticker. You're paying me what I tell you the value of the car is. You could come in with all your blue book value and bullshit, I'm gonna fucking break it apart and tell you that the bank does that shit. But even then, and then we break it apart into all the stuff you get and then you go from there. But the blue book value, like Toyotas hold their values, Nissan doesn't, Lexus does. There's a couple cars that hold their value. When I say hold their value. Listen, it's not an investment. No, okay. No car is a fucking investment. They depreciate, okay? You own what appreciates a home, land, property, but you rent or lease what depreciates, right? Which is what they tell you to do. Now you can't lease a car because it costs just as much as fucking does it really buy it should. The prices are fucking unreal.

[B]

I have like another year.

[A]

Unreal to lease a fucking car now.

[B]

Let's see what happens.

[A]

You know, so I mean, it's just a car is a fucking. I, I learned early on in 1988, selling cars, that was an education for me because I learned that a car is, by the time it hits the fucking, the street, it just goes down. And from there it just goes down and down. And meanwhile you're sinking money into this thing. And that's why it's smart that we could be on the three year plan before the car blows the fuck up.

[B]

Yeah, that's why that's what I was before.

[A]

It takes that next level after that warranty's expired, that's when you get rid of the car. America can't do that. But they could have years ago, for 20 years you could dog. Cause I wasn't making no money in Hollywood. And we kept leasing cars over and over and the payment wouldn't change. There was no down payment.

[B]

Now that's gone. Now they want something.

[A]

All those years we were leasing 500 down, we leased to Mitsubishi and all those Toyota Corollas and then we started leasing Subarus and We just kept going with it because I knew I'm not keeping a car, bro, After I'm in a car for three years. Go take a look at that car. It smells like ass from the far its feet, there's a thousand dents. You fucking spilled. That's why I don't like food in my car because that eliminates the stink. If you fucking, if you put an apple in there and that apple falls under the seat, then you got stink for fucking three months in your car. That's why I don't like food in the car. Like, I love soup, but I won't put a soup in my car. I'll eat the soup there. Not hot, sour, not nothing. I don't give a.

[B]

Who's asking you to eat soup while you're driving?

[A]

No, no, no, you didn't. I said it wrong. When I go to a restaurant, I never take soup home to go.

[B]

You can't even take it to go?

[A]

No, it's going to spill. You got to assume it's going to spill unless they give you the right fucking box. Chinese people know packaged soup. They do it perfectly with the cardboard on the bottom.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

But if you just get soup and pork fried rice, it's like putting Biggie on one side of the sea salt and putting an HIV person on the other side. Now you get some guy to cut you off, you stop ba boom in the front seat.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

And now you got soup everywhere. Forget it, Forget it. No soup. Nobody wants soup.

[B]

But why? I don't, I, like, we were talking about the companies. You were you an old salesman? Like, I got, I think I got ripped off getting an oil change this week. Like they told me, like, oh, you need the gas tank. Well, like there's something. You put in the gas tank, some liquid. And like, like the salesman always, I don't know, they, they, I think they take every opportunity to rip us off and they like. And like I, I went to go get a suit for my wedding and I went to go get a suit and it had like a little line on the jacket, like down the down right here. I was like, oh, I don't like that. And the guy's like, oh, well, all the suit jackets have that. Like, no, they don't. And they.

[A]

The suit jackets in that style. Maybe, maybe.

[B]

But even, even like, dude, I, I can't tell you. And because you, you were a salesman, I've run into so much either creepy salesman stuff or just people who don't give a fuck when they're trying to sell you and how much of it? Like, when you're spending a lot of money, it feels good to have someone, like, treat you nicely and not try to rip you off at every angle, because that, like, it's not even just the companies. I feel like a lot of these salesmen are trying to rip you off every chance they get. That's how they make money. Like, would you. Would they teach you to do that when you were a car guy? Like, to, like, do, like, the.

[A]

The warranties came on the show. What did he say? Dice does the. Yeah, Lee does the. But I don't know shit about conservative with them. No, you don't need to know about cars. You need to be prepared. You know how to look on the Internet, and you know how to compare prices online. And that's all. That's why the car business is in the shitter right now, because the consumer got too smart over the last 20 years. When I was selling cars, the consumer was an idiot. They didn't have to go online and look at the price of their car and what they got and the rebates and what the fuck is going on. That's why with a used car still today, you still have a shot of making a little fucking profit, because there's no price on it. A price on a used car is what you'll pay for it. That's the price of a used car is what you'll pay for it. That's it.

[B]

And would you, like, look at somebody, be like, this guy has a lot of money. I'll raise the price on him a little bit?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Okay.

[A]

Not in my world. Listen, when you go on a lot and you want a used car lot, every idiot knows this. If a car says 13,999, they own that car for 10 grand. It's like a $4,000 markup. $4,000 to breathe. Okay? You can start hitting them low from the beginning. Hit them high, whatever the fuck you want to do. It's their decision what they want to do. Now, each used car dealership has an average gross per car. So when I was at Boulder Toyota, they average 2,000 bucks.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

That's $500 in my pocket. That means every car I'm selling, I'm grossing $2,000. So if I have 10, two in the car, I'm selling that car for 12. Two plus, plus.

[B]

Got it? Okay?

[A]

And that'll get me 500 bucks, which is 25% commission, whatever the fuck it was back then. Do you understand? And now when you go On a new car, they have a sticker that comes with the car, right? But then they got an addendum. That's ripoff. That's not. It's legal, but it's really not. That's. That's a dealer markup for rims. They wax. They undercarriage, right?

[B]

That's bullshit.

[A]

They jerked off on the car. They do nothing. So when you go look at a deal, you don't even look at the addendum. You may believe, like, it's not even there. It's like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Well, then you ask them. Just fuck with them. What's the price of the car? They'll look at the addendum and press the bottom of the addendum. The price is 52.4foot. I just went on channel 11. They said cars were up to $50,000. How is it an extra 2,900? Right? Well, we added the underbody carriage and the wax and the components so the sun doesn't. Listen, I didn't ask for all that, so you got to throw that in. Let's start from this number here. And that's where you start bringing out your things. I went to Englewood Clips, and they gave me this number because everybody's dropping their pants on the way out. They dropped their pants. So listen, how much would that cost? $14,199. What's on the sticker? $16,900. What's your best deal? I could do 12. One. He can't do 12. One. He can'T do 12. One. Because now you're going to take that 12. One and go to another dealership and get harassed. They can't even do 12. 1. The fucking. The ownership, after they get money back from the dealership, whatever that's called, from the car. Like, if you buy an American car. When you buy an American car, they get money back. Ford gives that dealer, okay, like, a $600 rebate. I forget what it's called. There's motherfuckers that'll go in and go for that. Like, I know you get 600 back, so I want 300 of that. And you're like, oh. But that's what the Internet has done. It made the consumer smarter. So when you go buy a suit, what's the difference? You got to be smarter.

[B]

I did. I left. I left. I went to men's warehouse. Much better suit.

[A]

Yeah. Chubby. Everybody's chubby in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, dude, they all smell like hot dogs.

[B]

It was amazing. There was 20 year old. The. The black dude behind the counter listens to the podcast. And then I went in there and got a cuss like a brand new. Because you sent me in Hollywood. I was thinking about this to that. Three suits for $300. But like it like lights on fire. Oh, yeah, it like tears apart after one wear for like 800 bucks. I got a suit brand new like they made. They measured me because I don't fit.

[A]

It at the men's wear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, listen. It's called Hollywood Suit Outlet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's on Hollywood Boulevard. Okay? When you want a front, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's like they say black people go in there and buy a suit and bring it back the next day after. They were. It's one of those places they got the shoes, they got the shirt.

[B]

You got a belt, you got a belt, shirt, socks.

[A]

Listen to me, $299, you get three suits, three belts, three shirts. I think one pair of shoes. I mean, dog. Yeah, you look at the shoes ain't going to last more than one night if those shoes hit water. Like, if there's water, they'll disintegrate. A little humid, ok? The suit is a suit to wear for the night. For the night. Because trust me, if you put it on two, you're pushing, you're throwing spaghetti against the wall, you might stretch for a fork and it could rip. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those suits.

[B]

They just disappeared, by the way. Like I had them for a little bit. Oh, yeah, no, and then they just.

[A]

Look, I think they have commercial auditions because you got to dress up like a mobster and I don't want to keep wearing the same shoe. So I went in and got a purple one. Like, you know, like if I was reading for a loud mobster, I got a purple one. I got like a black one and then I got like a navy blue one. Because when you go to court, they like navy blue. So that's what I did. And then you just got a matching shirt. You get like, you know that look when you see people in an orange suit, Like a pink shirt costs you nothing. This is the chance to do it. You don't want to spend 200 for that shit. You go home, you're like fucking an idiot. Like a fucking stop sign, you know what I'm saying? So this is the chance to do it. They'll give you the maroon shirt with the fucking. I bought this Scarface when I first got to LA, they ran a one suit deal for $49. One suit, one pair of socks. And they give you those Italian socks like your grandfather wore with the heel and everything is. And them too, you put twice. The second time you put on your toes, go right to the fucking sock. I mean it's that type of place, but you gotta know your limitations. Like but Men's warehouse in Burbank.

[B]

Not bad.

[A]

That motherfucker. I got a fucking $2,000 jack in there for $200.

[B]

Oh shit.

[A]

I said make an offer. My wife said $200. Take it.

[B]

Do you negotiate in places I didn't.

[A]

Know you could that those places like that, those places around the holidays, they have like a something look bro, you see a jacket that's 4x.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? They want to out that too.

[B]

It's taking up a lot of space.

[A]

They said 10,000 on it, but go talk to them. Listen, I got a chubby friend, he ain't got a winter jacket. What do we need to do to get rid of this right here? What do we need to do? Well, it says 18. Listen, ain't nobody giving you 1,800 for this piece of shit. Okay, can we do a 400? Just tell them it disappeared and put the 400 in your pocket and have to sell them. You got to get them thinking Put.

[B]

The 400 in your pocket.

[A]

Yeah, so you got shoplift. Who gives a fuck?

[B]

That would be great. Yeah, I didn't know you could negotiate.

[A]

That's a whole brand new. Listen, I don't want you going to shoprite negotiating tomorrow. You're not gonna go in there? Well, I could get a gallon of milk at Walmart for five bucks. No, but those and Arabs love all that shit. So when you see an Arab, you're in game territory. You gotta at least drop it on them, you know what I'm saying? Like, hey, can you give me that soup for 200? Ah, my friend.

[B]

Oh, and I. I hate wearing suits. Like nothing, like nothing fits the right way. That's why I had to go custom for once.

[A]

No, you have to go cut. You get married, right? This is who you went for, your wedding.

[B]

This is the one. The night before. The night. The night. The night of some dude. Another dude who listens to the podcast is making me a tux.

[A]

Okay, all right. And then when are you wearing the Indian garb?

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

Yes you are. Ask for your time.

[B]

I'm wearing, I'm going. We're doing a party.

[A]

If I walk in There. And I see you with Indian Guard.

[B]

I'm gonna look good.

[A]

No, you're not.

[B]

I'm gonna. There's no shoes allowed at the wedding.

[A]

At what wedding? Oh, I don't give a fuck. Because I'll get that fungi toenail. I'll put it up against those Indians. If they're gonna walk around with those curry feet, I'm gonna challenge them with. You think.

[B]

You think your feet smell better? Our feet. My feet stink. I have to throw shoes away every three months.

[A]

But I. I'll do the house. I'll polish the shoe polish. I'll let my nails grow out, and I'll buff them and save the dust, and I'll just throw them at the Indians at fucking. And they'll be going smelling like. What is that smell? Oh, my God, that shit smells, dog. If that gets on your finger and you smell it, you have to wash it off, and you can still get the fucking residue of fungi, like, the next day. My finger's pink from the acid.

[B]

So why do you touch it all the time?

[A]

Because I love it. I love it. I put it in weed. I put it in everything. Let's take a breather, talk to these people about some things, like DraftKings. What else?

[B]

We got Hydro Row. And we also got perfect jeans.

[A]

And those jeans are good. We'll be right back. Lee, I forgot to tell these guys what happened this weekend.

[B]

Oh, my God. This was like Christmas and Hanukkah all wrapped into one.

[A]

You know? The 12. What's that? On the merry day at Christmas.

[B]

The 12 days of Christmas.

[A]

This is the 12 days of Christmas. Because after December 7th, 5th, I have no more comedy shows. I'm just gonna take the rest of the year off, smoke pot and eat mushrooms. But one of my favorite brands, one of my favorite customers showed up. Companies showed up this weekend, and they surprised us with just everything. Joints, dog walkers, eights. They sent us this OG Kush. They sent us the dulce de leche indica. They sent us a sativa. They had a bong in there. They had sweatshirts, they had lighters. They got grinders. They got vapor pens. They got edibles with 5 milligrams. I gotta eat the whole case of. But it doesn't matter. I mean, rhythm hooked us up. And I really want to thank them.

[B]

Oh, my. It was like they brought an entire. Like, a tub that you take when you're moving. They took that, and they had a suitcase and that, and. And they opened that, and then it was like. You know how, like, they have like fishing tackle boxes or like a toolbox. They had like eight different levels of marijuana.

[A]

It was unreal. It was unreal to even see. It's like when I was a kid, they had a James Bond suitcase. And you could hide a gun in there, a BB gun, press the handle and it would shoot BBs. So you could just walk around New York City. Da, da, da. That, people, was the coolest thing in the world. I don't know what happened to them. These guys just made it cooler. Over at Rhythm, it was a three floor.

[B]

It's more than that.

[A]

No, it's three floors.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The top one has little weed lighters. The middle one has a fucking bong.

[B]

A big one?

[A]

Yeah, and a pretty big bong. And the third one has weeds and edibles. And then when the thing is stood up, it says rhythm on that. That's a secret panel. You rip that down and there's four more vapor pens.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

10 more packs of fucking. Of dog walkers and 25 loose joints.

[B]

They gave you a strain with like a display case and lights in it.

[A]

That's the one that comes out November 26th.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It comes out on like twice a year, right. What's the name of the store? Rise. They have three of them. And like Paramus. Edison. Paramus. And. No, not Kenilworth. Bloomfield. Bloomfield, where Chipuke is from. And fucking. So that comes out. It's like a. I don't know how big that butt is. I don't know. But they have a box with a light. I mean, fucking. I was just looking at it like. That's one of the things I'm gonna do when I eat mushrooms. Just look at that thing. I mean, they did it perfectly. You really gotta see what Rhythm did. I was gonna bring it up today, but somebody will break.

[B]

He doesn't wanna share it. That's a. It's gonna break.

[A]

It's not fucking ready yet. Okay. It's not ready. But anyway, I want to thank Rhythm and I want to thank their team that showed up. They showed up in Austin, Texas, and they're showing up in D.C. and anytime I travel, I'm gonna see if they're there. And they can keep showing up and they didn't have to bring anything. We love you, Rhythm. Thank you for sponsoring our fucking little smokathon here during the week. Stay black. Say something, Lee.

[B]

I love you. Thank you.

[A]

I love you. Cocksucker. What's up, you savages? Uncle Joey here, listen. This Saturday night, from the bright lights in New York City, the Octagons take center stage, right in your living room, direct from Madison Square Garden. Listen. UFC 322, you got a tremendous listen. Jack de La Madonna against Islam. Marcus, this is a clash of savages, champions and everything else you could throw in there. And guess what? DraftKings Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the UFC, puts every kick in the palm of your hand. New customers this week. I'm talking to new customers only. This one's for you. Bet just $5. And if your bet wins, you're going to get paid 300 in bonus bets instantly. Did you hear What I said? $5. 300 in bonus bets instantly. It starts with you. Download the DraftKingsportsbook app right now. Use code Joey, J, O, E, Y. That's Code Joey to turn five bucks into 300 in bonus bet. If your bet wins. So remember this Saturday night, live from the Garden, you and DraftKings. You're going to sit there, enjoy yourself, jump up and down, and that's it. DraftKings, the crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800- gambler in New York. Call 877-8-Hopeny or text hopeny 467-369 in Connecticut.

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[B]

Especially in this state.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because for all of you who don't know, in, like, four states, they let you have a full casino on DraftKings.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's not everywhere. That's usually just sportsbook.

[A]

No, when I went to D.C. last week, I went to get on the casino. God damn it. They banned me on that.

[B]

The whole train ride down and the whole train run up. I'm playing blackjack.

[A]

The whole. I love blackjack. It's just something about it. But at the same time, I knew that. It's like anything else in life, guys, you know, it's good for you and it's bad for you. You know? I used to love doing a line of coke on a Friday night. That never hurt nobody. You know what I'm saying? I would still be alive and kicking and still have all my teeth. But the problem is, it's when you do it five nights a week, you know? Listen, there's nothing wrong with eating an Italian loaf of bread one day a week. If you lift and work out whatever you want to put some butter or olive oil. If you eat that every day, it's not going to end well for you.

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, when it comes to people blaming things on things, I always get pissed off about that. It's like the chubby chick waters coffee from McDonald's and it burns her. People who smoke cigarettes for 30 years, they want to sue Marlboro or Cools. Did my wife tell you guys about that? No. Didn't she tell you at dinner the other night that there was a gas station in Baltimore? She pulled into.

[B]

Was I that high that I forgot about this whole story?

[A]

She pulled into a gas station in Baltimore and on the sign it said, oh, yeah, a bucket of chicken and two packs of no port. 20 bucks.

[B]

That's a good deal.

[A]

That's American, racist as can fucking be. But if I say that, don't throw me under the fucking jail. Big science. A bucket of chicken and two packs of Newport.

[B]

Maybe it was a black dude who owned the gas station.

[A]

Maybe not.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Okay, when was the last time you see the black dude owning a gas station? You see a black dude in a gas station, he's robbing it or he's fucking. Or he's fucking buying a Yoohoo Or a red and butter. What's those things they buy? Red and gold. Red.

[B]

What's the cigars they black and mild.

[A]

Black and mild black. Yeah, that's it. But they had a sign just to tell you about, you know, where's black lives matter when you need them. I want my $2 back. I want the $5 I donated back. I wanted it back after fucking Wicked and now I really want it back now. But, you know, everybody has to blame everything. So the last four or five weeks, three or four gambling scandals are busted out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, the two guy pitchers from Cleveland, the fucking basketball scandal with Chauncey Billups, the UFC thing, you know, and you sit there and I heard something Sunday night, I was switching through channels, waiting for the mayor of Kingstown. And ESPN had their little, you know, how many gods on there talking about gambling and how companies like FanDuel and DraftKings and all these companies, meanwhile, they.

[B]

Own a sports betting app. Did they lose it?

[A]

Who lost?

[B]

Yeah, apparently ESPN had an app and now they don't have an app, but it's here. This is not the, the, the app's fault. As a, as a former criminal, I'm surprised that you're not more upset at the. If you're gonna place an illegal bet, why are you doing it on something that has all of your information? Why aren't you just going to the casino and doing it in cash?

[A]

I just don't know. I don't know about this. So somebody has to. Can I walk into Caesars and put a prop bet in?

[B]

Oh, they need IDs too.

[A]

Okay, that's still. I mean, I don't mind that. Right, well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, so you can't. Because somebody was saying, well, the prop bets goes back to the, to the betting sites. And I'm like, wait a second. I know I can't put a prop bet in with a bookie, okay? Like, I can't call Nikki and go, hey, Nicky, you know, I want first quarter on sixes, whatever. Maybe now, because the draft services do it, so. But I thought they were doing it basically with the gambling site.

[B]

They are, but that to me, that's.

[A]

Lazy guys from Cleveland, the guys from whatever. And it's very interesting, but this is more to cheat the system. This isn't guys. I mean, listen, There's. I love DraftKings, okay? And for me, it's called control. Maybe when I was 21, I would already have sunk draftkings by now. You know what I'M saying maybe I would have owed them money or something.

[B]

But that's the thing with them. You can't owe them. They can't go right out of the fucking account.

[A]

They don't even take fucking PayPal. No, they don't take my PayPal. Cause it's corporate.

[B]

Yeah. Just straight out of the bank.

[A]

They don't fuck around with anything. But just the heighteness, you know. Listen, man, the country's very hip to gambling now. You know, we thought that growing up, people gambled. Not like they're gambling now. I mean, we discussed this two weeks ago. People are gambling, drinking is down. Gambling is up in each fucking state.

[B]

Drinking is down because it's a $20 margarita. And you can. You can stay home, drink by yourself and. And you don't have to. You don't have to go to a casino anymore. Like, haven't you've been telling me for months that Vegas is dead? If you're dead, why, if you lived in Jersey and had it on your phone, why, why would you fly to Vegas?

[A]

Well, this weekend, okay, we went to MGM grand and whatever great casino. Yeah, it's fun, food was great, nice people. I know that they didn't have free drinks on the floor.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. And I also noticed when we went to the other casino that they didn't have quarter or 50 cent slots. Okay? So that eliminates a lot of things that. Listen, all I remember about Vegas is we're going to Vegas, we're going to get drunk, gonna gamble and get fucked up. Whatever. You got drunk from gambling, you went to gamble and they brought you drinks. Every time I go to Vegas, there's chicks walking around, but there ain't 50 of them.

[B]

There's like two.

[A]

Do you know what I'm saying? They come around one an hour. It's like when I used to go in the 90s. They were there every three minutes. You didn't even have an empty glass. You could have two ice cubes and they rush right over to you. So things have changed. So, yeah, if you want to go to Vegas and get taken care of and you can't afford it anymore, guess what? You could do it at home. Or at least I could put disco music on and fucking put lights in my living room and get a live dealer and get fucked up, snort coke, bring a chick over for a date. Think about it. I would love to be able to set something up in somebody's house. You just come over with a gambling fucking studio to their house. Doesn't have to be much Lights, ding, ding noises. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Hey, give me back my bitch. You know, whatever. You know, think about it. It's not so in your mind now you could fucking. Can you airdrop your phone to that screen?

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

Guys, what are we talking about? That's a live Vila.

[B]

Oh, I love it. I'll do it.

[A]

That's a live Vila.

[B]

I did it on the bus here from New York today. I love it. I have a. It's a.

[A]

And you go with a live dealer.

[B]

Uh huh. It's a real big. Thank God I don't live here because I. And I. I've hit it. I've been lucky the last couple months. I like the last couple months I've been real lucky.

[A]

That's why you take the bus to Jersey.

[B]

Oh yeah, I'm gonna take a bus. It's great.

[A]

It's $3 and I'm there for two hours on the bus now. I know what, but that's crazy that you take the live dealer. You should do a. Instead of fucking doing a football, we should wait for another Monday Night Football. Do the Monday Night Football and then get the live dealer up for DraftKings. That's the way to do it.

[B]

I've been, I was honestly thinking about live blackjack. Blackjack, they have every game you want. They have live dealer blackjack. I will be. They have cheaper ones. That's like five bucks a hand. But like it's not a great game cuz like everyone's playing on the same hand. The like the lowest minimum you can get is 25. But that's the same as at a casino. If you go to any casino, the lowest minimum you're gonna find is 25 bucks unless you get really lucky. So like, but I got knock on wood. You know, you go up and down, but you know, you go for a hand or two and if you start losing, you leave and you call, you go. They have like four or five tables you can go to. I always look, I have rules and.

[A]

They have baccarat, they have baccarat.

[B]

They have craps.

[A]

Crap cases.

[B]

It's a blast. It is so much fun.

[A]

Can you imagine if you ate a mushroom right by yourself? You just ate some mushrooms, you're there, you put some music on, you're there.

[B]

Anything is fun to you when you take a. Oh my God. Imagine going to the grocery store and oh my God.

[A]

And get your mom to bring you drinks. Make believe she's a waitress and put the fucking goggles on and make believe she's hot. Mom. Oh, yeah, Smack her in the ass and shit. Yeah.

[B]

Holy shit, that's a good idea.

[A]

Come on, dog. I'm telling you, that's a business. We bring comedy and a casino vibe to your basement with a small nickel. Food is optional. Cocaine and drugs and bitches. That's optional. We get them there, too. Well, I'm.

[B]

Listen, you've been giving me a lot of shit about the wedding. Something I did and actually Nadav I just saw kind of did at his wedding. The old. Your mom's house producer, but for, like, not that much money at all. I'm having three tables at my wedding because we're not really dancers. We're not going to dance that much. I'm having a blackjack table, a roulette table, and a craps table.

[A]

Oh, shit, there goes Mike. How many credits do I get?

[B]

You get. Everyone gets chips. If you want to buy more chips, it'll go to, like, the honeymoon fund. But we're going to have stuff to give away for the people with the most chips. They'll win something. It's going to be. I'm so excited. I. Dude, one of my biggest dreams because I, I, you know, I'm a cheap Jew. I don't like. I don't like betting any more than 25 a hand. I don't really like betting that, but I'd love to go to a place that's like Dave and Buster's, but for casinos. So I can go in and for 100 bucks, I'll buy 100 grand worth of chips. And then you just get to gamble like you're a high roller. And I don't know, maybe you win a prize, maybe you don't. But like, it, like, it sucks. We've been. We were just talking before the break about stuff being broke. It sucks going to the casino with, like a hundred bucks. You can't go to the casino with a hundred bucks. It lasts eight seconds. And there's nothing I like because I'm not a club dude. I'm not a bar dude. Take me to a casino. I'm. I would live there. I love gambling.

[A]

I know. I know. I love it, though.

[B]

I love it so much. And I wish I didn't, but it's like, it's. It's one of my favorite, favorite.

[A]

Remember before I met Carol, Before, a lot of. I was working for a sports betting service, and we were all talking one day we went to Vegas.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The company took you to Vegas in February and you stayed for three days. And I remember going to Vegas and The guy I worked for got us to watch the boat crash from Caesars or whatever, from Steve Wynn's office. So at that time, I was doing comedy three years, and the first time I went two years, and he goes, you know what? I'm asking entertainment director what it takes to be a comedian here. And the guy came over and told me there's a bunch of open mics.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

At that time, Stanhope was there and Jo Koy. I didn't know who they were, though. I'm not saying that I knew who they were, but I thought about it. I was like, to get the fuck out of Boulder, move to Vegas. I could work for a sports betting.

[B]

Service during the day.

[A]

It was the quarterback from the old Houston Oilers, Dan Pastorini, had a sports betting service. And I could fucking do comedy at night. So I really considered it. I like the energy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I like the energy. I mean, you always like the energy in Vegas when you're single, you know, it's tough to like it when you're married, but when you're single, it's anything. Could go. It really is. Whatever happens here stays here, you know? Now I go to Vegas and you got eyes in the sky watching you. You got fucking.

[B]

I want to go to Macau.

[A]

Macau. In China.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. No, all that stuff is beautiful.

[B]

Anything, everything happens in Macau.

[A]

But they have fucking all over the world. They got casinos, you know. Yeah, beautiful casinos. But to get back to what we're talking about, I mean, we both like to gamble, but you don't see us fixing games.

[B]

I'd love to have an inside game.

[A]

I didn't need to do that. And both these pictures were good. They're great. I mean, it's so short sighted. Like, even if he. I forget, what's the biggest bet they put on him? 10 grand a pitch. 10 grand a pitch? How many pitches?

[B]

Two years.

[A]

Two years. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money a pitch, dawg. But let's pretend that guy got a hundred million dollar contract. You could sleep at night. You would think so, Doug, with that gambling stuff. You always think they're gonna knock on your door. That's. I don't know how. If anybody understands that feeling of thinking.

[B]

They'Re gonna knock on your door, of.

[A]

Thinking they're not gonna knock on your door. When you do something that's so. There's so many moving pieces, you're like. But when there's that many moving pieces, you gotta assume they're gonna knock on your fucking door. There's too many moving pieces and there's too many people that are able to talk, and there's too many people that. It's just too many moving fucking pieces. If I call you tonight and go, lee, meet me for Cuban food. Let's smoke some dope. And on the way out, I shoot you in the head and take you down to Pines Barren or what's the street under Dell Avenue down there, whatever the fuck that is, and throw you in the weeds. It's me and you, right? If they find your body, I fucked up, but nobody else. Yeah. If they find your body, I fucked up, but nobody else was with me. If I kill you with three people, one of these guys get pulled over, a DUI got an ounce of coke, he's looking at 15 years. You're done. You're done. That story you thawed in the street trust, it's history. So that's what I'm trying to say to you. When you have that many things going on, Jesus, I can't even imagine.

[B]

I'm surprised they haven't caught more college kids. That's who I would. I thought would go for it. Or are they.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, I would have thought, because now college kids can get paid. But before, like. Because they were the ones who were, like. They were broke, people would go to them and ask them to, like, shave points or do that. Like, you're right. Like the. The Major League baseball. You think they'd have enough money to be like you? But it's. It seems like it's a lot of professional athletes. Chauncey Billups is a Hall of Famer and he's running poker games. It doesn't. It doesn't make sense. But I don't know. Do you think, like. Do you think it's greed?

[A]

What do you think? What they're saying is that these guys went into these guys for something else. Listen, the Mob is very smart. It's 300 years of street wisdom. And it's like, we sit here and they show you the Sopranos and goodfellas, and you think, these guys. Yeah, there's a degree of them that. That lifestyle doesn't work no more. If Nick puts in a bet with me and I hit him in the head with a pipe, it's all over. That shit don't work no more. That shit don't work no more. There's just so many things that don't work no more. Narcotics. Listen, it's the same thing. You sell narcotics. I got two guys on the street. I Could only control that business as much as I can, which is, if I got a kilo a month and I knew I could off you a half a kilo and somebody else a whole kilo, and I get stuck with a half a kilo, I can move a couple ounces to a friend of mine. Or two, I could sleep at night, right? It's when I got it. And I gotta put it out there through nine different people.

[B]

That's what I know.

[A]

And listen, people do it. Because after a while you think you're fucking bulletproof. I did the same thing. After a while, you think you're not going to get caught. You're smarter than people. But eventually, some guy gets pulled over, some guy smacks his wife.

[B]

Some guy, look at Frank Vincent. The code took him down.

[A]

Yeah, you never know what's going to take you down when you have that many moving parts. And that's a horrible way to go, guys. Especially when you think you've had it going on for 10 years. And all of a sudden, one day, when now you're enjoying your life. Now it's not even about that money anymore. You enjoy your wife, had a kid. Your business grew on its own. Like your fucking business expanded on its own. One of your partners brought in a fucking new sneaker and the thing blew up. And now, and everything is good. We speak to you outside for a second and you already know the knock. You've been waiting for that knock in your heart. You don't ever want that knock to happen. But you know that knock was gonna come.

[B]

So what do you. When you say they were into them, what does that mean?

[A]

Lee, how long you been married? You're getting married? When?

[B]

End of December.

[A]

Come on, let's hang out tonight. Let's go get some beers. I'll call George. I'll call Nick. I'll call the Cuban kid. Let's go out. And all of a sudden we end up at. Come on, Nick, let's go to that strip club on Monday night. And all of a sudden, I fucking give you like a mickey. I put you in the back room. I already got your plan. There's two girls waiting for you already. We already set this up. They're gonna suck your dick and sing a tongue up your ass. And while they're doing that, Nick's gonna take pictures of you. Lee, let me ask you something. So you getting married? You excited? How excited are you getting married? Oh, I'm great. I'm gonna have poker tables and. Okay, before you think of those poker tables, take a Look at that picture right there. How nice. Would your wife like those pictures? Where'd you get these? You guys suck. You suck. No, we don't suck. We do suck.

[B]

Too bad.

[A]

We are very bad people. But we know that you hang out with this guy, this guy, this guy. All we want you to do is set up poker games. You're untouchable. I can't believe you guys dip me like that. Just set up poker games. We'll give you a flat fee of 20,000. You're the fucking face of this shit, you know? And that's it. Or they take you to a gay bar and you get fucked in the ass by Eric. And you know, that's another picture your wife don't want to see. So you always get compromised. I'm not saying those are the compromises. I'm just throwing something out there that I don't know what I'm talking about. But this is how you have to look at this shit.

[B]

And you don't like. Why do you think, if that's what happens, why does no one go to the cops?

[A]

Because I got a picture of a big dick brother and he's dicking in your ass and at the same time you're sucking a seven year old's dick.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah, okay. That's what you like. I got down to what you really like. I know what you really like. Okay, right. Never mind what you tell people. I know what you really like. Okay? I know you go at home and throw down a shot of heroin every night. You don't do it in the daytime. You control your addiction. But every night you go home at 8 o', clock, you can't. You're sweating when you get home. Sweating. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

It's time for that shot.

[A]

I can't wait. And everybody has something. They find out what your weakness is and they attack it. Broads, whatever, food, I don't fucking know, you know, but they're attacking now they got you. You know, it's like when. When I read that book Havana by tj and in that book it states a story. When Kennedy went to Cuba and they got him laid. At the end of the thing, the guy Trafficante, looked at the other guy and he goes, we fucked up. We didn't put him on tape. We're gonna bring him back because he went to Cuba as a senator. He goes, we're gonna bring him back and tape him. And then when he wins the presidency, we go to him and go, look at these pictures. You were three Cubans what won't you do for us?

[B]

You think that's how they get people most of the time is pussy.

[A]

It could be anything, Lee. It could be that you were stealing from Nick, and now. I'm not gonna tell Nick you've been stealing from him. But now you're gonna steal from me. Jesus, you know anything. They get into your weakness any fucking single way. Maybe these guys were just gambling degenerates. Yeah. And, bro, all these books and all these little stories that you hear about the NBA and the NFL. There's a lot of gambling involved, brother. Especially in the NBA. There's a lot of gambling involved.

[B]

Oh, between the players.

[A]

Yeah. They play poker. Listen to Michael Jordan.

[B]

You see there's a video doing the quarter drop with the security guard. Yeah.

[A]

They do anything. They gambled on anything and everything. That's a month. That's. That's when you're up to. Listen, Michael Kane addiction at the end, that's what it's like to have. Because I was doing an eight ball every night. I don't even know I was making the money. I would. Yeah. And I was having dreams that I owe Dante money still. Oh, that 500 bucks still.

[B]

That's funny. I have dreams that I didn't do my homework.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. But it's really crazy how they nail you. I don't know. What? Listen, man, we get weak at all parts of our lives and we don't. We don't have a fucking explanation for it. It's just a weakness that we have as men, women, human beings, you know? It's just. And sometimes your mind plays tricks with you.

[B]

And, like, do.

[A]

You're telling me you hate me, but in my mind I'm hearing I love you.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I love when you fucking come over. No, you don't. But it's just. It's fucking crazy.

[B]

Lee, did you ever get offered, like, a inside tip on gambling when you were younger? Nothing.

[A]

Everybody thought they were fucking Houdinis. But let's look at it this way, okay? Michael Jordan, which I'm not accusing, but from the stories we've heard, what was the quarterback when we were kids from the Baltimore Colts? Art Schiesler. Art Scheissler. He was the first guy.

[B]

What did he do? I don't know that story.

[A]

He fucking threw games. Fuck, he threw games. You know, Pete Rose. What do they all have in common? They were gamblers. But guess what else they had in common? They couldn't pick a winner. Even they were involved with the sports. A good friend of mine once Told me, I want you to think about this before you put that bet in. Guys that play the sports. That's like when they call you and go, I got a pick for you, a former NFL player. They can't pick them. I have tons of friends, and I quiz them every once in a while who you're like, this weekend. They're the worst. You go the other way. They're the fucking worst. When you go on UFC analysts, they're the worst because they're fighters. They look at it. They look at it. It's like, Joe Rogan can't pick a winner. You know how many conversations I've had with him? He doesn't see it like we see it. You know, like tonight, fucking Philadelphia's playing Green Bay at Green Bay on a Monday night. It's flipped. Green Bay are the fucking favorites.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Okay, guess what? All of America's gonna bet Philadelphia. All of America's gonna. And especially three receivers are out. All the receivers are out for new. For whatever.

[B]

Green Bay.

[A]

Why are they giving a point and a half? Everybody's. They try to trick you. It's a move. Maybe you look at that, but maybe the answer is the under. Maybe the answer is the under. It is Monday Night Football. You have to look at Monday Night Football and go, what is my utopia here? What is my perfect utopia on this game? Is it Philly and the ova? Cause that's your perfect utopia. Oh, yeah. Philly and the ova. You know, that's what they want you to bet. But there's gotta be something. They gotta make money somewhere else. You got NBA tonight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got a full slate tonight on Monday night. If you're gonna bet NBA, Monday night's the night to do it. Because everybody's focused on the NFL. A lot of people don't. There's just little things that you learn because you did it. Not because you told me, because I fucking lost money on Monday nights. But. But the biggest basketball scores I've ever had have been on Monday nights. Like Houston giving five. And you go to sleep and you wake up and they win by 58. And you're like, what the fuck? That's never gonna happen again.

[B]

I love when they make mistakes.

[A]

Yeah. The line. And that's why the first line of the NBA, the first month, the lines are always soft, right?

[B]

Cause they don't know.

[A]

So it's a good time to attack the NBA after that. Everybody gets hip. Now. Zion is still a fat buck. This guy is still eating pork chops. You know, it's kind of weird what you learn, but that's. So when you take all that into consideration, what really makes you think you're going to win? That's why when I go on DraftKings, it's entertainment. I don't go over a certain amount. And I go. When I come. When I get on DraftKings, it's either I lose 50 or I win 5,000. Do you know what I'm saying? And nine and a half times out of 10, I'm gonna lose 50.

[B]

As long as you can be good with that like that. You know who I was thinking about the other day was Freddy Correa in Vegas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He doesn't gamble a penny. And he can live in Vegas.

[A]

He lives in Vegas, right?

[B]

If I lived in Vegas, it'd be a problem.

[A]

But here's the problem with this. There's a week where I won't touch it. I only go on DraftKings to play the daily. The free games to see if I could get 10 free spins. How much? You too? I work hard for the fucking money. So that's what I'm saying to you, right? It's not your. I just don't go on there and go, I'm going to put 2000 on fucking the Knicks. That never happened. Because if my wife found that, she'd fucking rip that app down. That'd be the end of the fucking app. So my wife will tell me, I'd rather you put. Think of what you want for the month. Think of what they give you and put it in there. Once that money's gone, don't go back. And that's exactly how I do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if they give me three and I put three in there, dog. You know me. Once you start dipping into my three, I take a few days off this shit with their three. Yo, you gotta see me. I'm. Oh, you gotta see me, dog. I'm right there on the phone, pressing, fucking. I got music on, dog. While I win, I go out and smoke in the garage. I come back, I'm all fucked up. But once it starts dipping into my three, it's intervals, Jack. That's who you put the safety better on, because they'll hit you up once a year.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Do you want to not raise your limits? Oh, yeah. Leave it right there, you know, because it's entertainment. It's not. It's entertainment, Right. And it's a lot of fun when it's going your way.

[B]

Oh, it's the best.

[A]

And it's a lot more fun to win $18 than to win $10,000?

[B]

I don't know about that.

[A]

Trust me. I'm telling you.

[B]

Why would it not be fun to.

[A]

Win 10 grand if you're suing your girlfriend? She never sucked your dick before. You've been dating her for three months. And now you split a parlay and she wins 18. And you win 18. They'll suck your dick. For the small 18. I don't know why. You can take them to dinner. Flowers. They won't suck your dick. But let a woman gamble and win. Oh, my God. It's pussy for everybody. Pussy here, pussy there. Pussy here. Everybody. Yum yums. Everything.

[B]

I had no idea. Because it is.

[A]

It's entertaining. I get food, I come on over. But again, it's not entertaining when that idiot goes, I lost 5,000 on this. You know, right away, even you lose your mood. This was just to have fun, to get high, and then to go, nick, we won 18 a piece. Should we bet hockey tonight? I don't know nothing about hockey. And you put the money on, and guess what? The thing wins. Cause you don't know nothing. Right? You got lucky about hockey. But then you go read a hockey book and come back. Then you go 18 out of fucking 18 losses. Because that's what they say. You get smart. They want you to be stupid. That's why Housewives. I went nine for nine. Cause they all have blue shoes, right?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And here you all will. It's raining. The wind velocity. And your grandmother's in there. Nah, nah, nah, nah. They got blue. Blue shoes. I go for blue shoes. The city where I'm from, they wear blue shoes. So all that's, you know. But it's entertainment.

[B]

And it's scary when I. Because I. I love. In Vegas or wherever I remember, I. There's something. When you go to play blackjack with people around, like, 11:30, and you see people just hanging out by the ATMs, it's because they've hit. They've hit their limit. And they have to wait till midnight to go back to the atmosphere. That's up. Yeah. And now. Now some casinos have ATMs at the table. Yeah, they have the little keypad, put the card right in you. They. These casinos now have ATMs on the slot machines. You can put your card in, do the pin code, and goes right to the slot machine. It is.

[A]

Guys, look at. Man, I had. I don't know what the median age is of this podcast. It's gotta be between 21 and 33 and 34. And there's some older guys, you know, but I know a lot of young guys, listen to this shit. And I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I didn't do this stupidity. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I didn't do drugs. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I didn't gamble. I'll tell you what. I still remember gambling and losing and my roommate losing money, like big money, God rest his soul. And I remember having a talk with myself and going, wait a second. If I'm gonna lose $2,000, I'm gonna get something out of it, you know? And what do you get out of losing? Nothing. So I'm gonna take that money and buy coke instead. At least I'll crawl on the floor and look for rocks and snort cinder block dust and toe dust. That's how I looked at it. I'm not proud of both of them, but because of those years and seeing what life is and hearing all these stories, when I go on DraftKings now, I know it's a joke. Like, you guys know. I have no sports knowledge. I bet because at George, I bet Aaron run home runs. I go in there and see what it pays for Aaron Judge to do a $10 home run. Sometimes you get 32, sometimes you get 48. That's what I do. I don't have any knowledge at all. Like, no knowledge. So I know when I'm going in. It's just entertainment. Yesterday I went to Jimmy's house.

[B]

They must have been happy yesterday.

[A]

Yeah, I had the Dolphins because of Jimmy. I'm all excited, but then I go, come on, 20 bucks to win 82 if. No, it was like, 20 to win 102 if Buffalo came back on the money line. So I just put 20 on Buffalo. Then I went to nap.

[B]

I did the same thing.

[A]

Yeah, we all do the same thing, because that's what it. But it's 20. It's not my rent. It's not the car payment. It's not the cocaine money. It's not the kids sneaker money. It's $20. And I'm okay with that. I earned that this week. I did a thousand little things that I know for a fact. I know for a fact. I got a residual check for $28. So I got one for my wife. She goes, oh, you hit the jackpot this week. You got one for $28 and three of them for one cent. She goes, I even deposited three checks for you for one penny today as I tell them to pause them because no, you need three pennies, six more. I got a little bit of gasoline, you know what I'm saying? I used to rip those up.

[B]

Why?

[A]

When I was poor. Poor, poor.

[B]

You just get pissed off when you opened it and ripped it up.

[A]

You can't go to check cash in place with a 23 cent check. They're gonna take 10 points off the bat. So all I got is 13 cents. So you get a 23 cents check. I used to cash my checks at fucking the liquor store. The check cash in place on witset in Hollywood.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

So I never cashed him. And then one day it dawned on me. I go, I'm getting rid of dollar checks. The fuck is. Who am I, Don Qualione? I thought it. And then my wife's like, yeah, we'll put em on the. They won't notice. You put like a $300 check and then you put the little ones underneath and look around like make believe.

[B]

We should do that. We should take you to a check cashing place and see what they do with the 15 cent checks.

[A]

Oh my God, I love going on sag and seeing the checks that are coming in. They tell you the dates and how clear they are, like how much you're gonna get clear. But if you go on the checks and development.

[B]

Then you see what's really coming.

[A]

Then you see. No, you see everything. But there's always like 42, 28. Like when you first book a show, the first residual is the month that they paid you. So you're like oh shit. When that motherfucker airs, you're like oh shit. But then it just keeps going. Then you get like. So like you do a costar. Like when I did a co star, it was twelve hundred fifty. For twelve fifty I'd stab you in the fucking neck. So you're gonna pay me to pick up garbage on a TV show? 1250 and people gonna see me? Fuck yeah. So 1250, the first law and order, you get 1250. But if they play it again that summer, you get 1250. Like oh shit. But that never happens. But the next time is 450. So when they play into the next season, it's 450. Then you pop off two 450s. Then once you go to TNT, those late night ones, then it starts at like 2:52 and it goes down to 130. Then after that it's a cold day in the D. Like I got a check for cold case and it was like 18 cents.

[B]

Yeah, but imagine if you're on a show for 10 years and all the checks you keep getting.

[A]

Oh, shit. That's why when I look at some of these guys, I'm like, they're not starving because those residual checks come in fucking strong. They come in Fuck. And they come in, like, weird things. Like, I have again, and I've said this about everything. If you have. I don't know how to use this example. George. George's business, he's a framer. If George had a website, and he had. He averaged 300amonth off the website. Just people scoping and buying a picture, a giant shirt or whatever. But then he had, like a delivery service. Like right now, people getting out of. What do you call them? Block and mortar?

[B]

Brick and mortar.

[A]

Brick and mortar places. Because my whole business, 80% of my business, I'm shipping anyway, right?

[B]

So why do I need this, right?

[A]

I got 10%. I got 10 people walking in here every 10 years. You know what I'm saying? The rest. Why do I. Why am I payless? I need the work area, but I don't need a storefront. And the insurance and this and this and this. So they become. And those people now eliminate that. But you have these little avenues of income. So for me, I have. What's the one that they send you for? Music. Like, I have a service that pays me for whenever I do a radio show.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And something else. I forget. Entertainment. No, there's something else. I don't know how to get into their account to see how much they send me every month. I don't know. I don't even know. Every time I got an email, I just know I'm getting something in check. And sometimes it's 28 bucks and sometimes it's 500 bucks. They aired something on Sirius or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, so if they take a CD and put it on Sirius, one of those. I get paid on that. You know, I got money from Netflix. Not for the specials. I have no idea for what. I have no idea. Every month, Netflix.

[B]

Ari's things. Were those on Netflix?

[A]

No. Comedy essential.

[B]

Oh, you're right.

[A]

Comedy essentials never paid me for the YouTube. Ari things. That's 10 million Jesus. Downloads. Yeah. Times three or four.

[B]

Those are crazy.

[A]

They never fucking drop me a dime. So do you understand? You gotta take the good with the bad. You can't fucking fight every battle because you're gonna get robbed in this business. Just don't let them over rob, like, fucking, you know, you Just can't. If that's what they wanna do, Everybody listen. The gambling thing, people gonna do what they naturally do, man. Some people think they get away with it forever. And you can't. You can't somebody get something out? Yeah. Now everything's a fucking paper trail. Like, I was watching somebody special and they were saying that cash is like kryptonite. They don't even want your cash no more. No.

[B]

A lot of places say cashless.

[A]

What about the airport? You can't get a sandwich without an ATM card or credit card at the airport. They look at you weird. So when you go to Yankee Stadium, you can't use cash.

[B]

They're getting rid of it on the subway now. They don't. They're not going to have those. They don't want homeless people in there anymore. I mean, they're just going to.

[A]

They want. They don't. They want to control everything. That's communism at its best. Mandami. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. They're excited. I just did a show in Harlem and they're fucking really excited about it.

[A]

All right, good. Let them jump up and down. It's funny, man. I trained Saturday morning. We did. Listen, I never really recovered from the Wednesday night show. Really, that was rough. Wednesday night, that was fun. But I burned a lot of energy up there that night for some reason. I had a lot to say.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was moving around. It's a smaller stage. And I went home that night. I didn't fall asleep right off the bat. Then Thursday night I slept well. And then Friday I did some shit in the morning. And then I drove down there. When I got out of that car, I was wiped the fuck out. Like, I had all these plans to go out to dinner Friday night. I couldn't leave the fucking hotel room. I don't even think I even ate dinner Friday night. I didn't. I think she brought me like a roast beef sandwich. I have. That's all I ate with water out of the refrigerator.

[B]

You feeling okay? You're just tired?

[A]

I was fucking wiped out. But Fridays, I'm always wiped out. Like, that's why I don't make no plans for Friday night. Because Friday at 4 o', clock, I feel at 1 o' clock like if I did my week Friday at 1 o', clock, I'm fucking done. So I got, you know, mediocre sleep. It's a far in bed, you know. She forgot my fan. I brought a fan, but she forgot the other one. So I fell asleep to the noise from my fan. I Got up a couple times to pee. And then sadly, I just woke up a little fucked up. Like, I just wasn't feeling. I got up early. I went downstairs, fucking got high in the morning. I got too high. And I went back up and took a nap. I had breakfast. Breakfast was pretty fucking good. And then I just wasn't feeling it. I woke up and my wife's like, what do you want to do? And I went outside for a walk and there was no. I wanted to get vitamin D. I just wanted to sit and look at the phone. I knew I couldn't go on DraftKing Casino in D.C. so I just wanted to get some vitamin D before the show, you know, maybe write some notes on the phone. And I just couldn't get settled and fucking. We went to eat. We drove to a mall and we went to a food truck.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I saw that they had a food truck site. I go, you know what, Terry? I don't want to sit in a restaurant, but I do want to get food outside. It was nice out.

[B]

It was beautiful down there.

[A]

So I just talk. I got some chicken enchiladas, shrimp enchiladas, from a thing that was. I mean, she was as Mexican as could be. So, I mean, you know, I want.

[B]

To know what that means all over the world.

[A]

And it was her. And the husband was hiding. He wasn't legit. He was in the kitchen, bro. Everything was good. The enchiladas, the rice, the beans. But the best thing on the thing was that salad they give you. It was crunchy and you bit it with the enchilada. Cause I like an enchilada with lettuce on top. That gives it that. Guys, it was tremendous. And I smoked two joints when I was there. I went to the back and smoked and Mercier. My wife ate. And we just sat there. Then Nick came and picked us up, picked the girls up. And then me and Terry were there. And on the way back, I'm like, I'm not feeling today, bro. This is how old I'm getting. You ready?

[B]

What happened?

[A]

It was my mother's death anniversary. It was. That's why I wasn't feeling it.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

So now I go back to the hotel room and I'm looking at all my material. I'm making notes. Half the shit I didn't say, by the way, I know. Half the shit I said, I'm a fucking idiot. But the close of that night was supposed to be finding my mother on the floor.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

That's what I'm Feeling, what a waste of time. If I went up there and wouldn't have said it. But I know I can't say that story in the middle because it's doom. You're not going to follow that. I sell it and people go down and I go down a little bit. So I said, fuck it, I'll close with it. At the 56 minute mark, I was like, here we go. I couldn't do it.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

I just couldn't do it.

[B]

And what, like, what was stopping you? Too emotional?

[A]

No, the room was good. I just didn't feel like taking them down. I wanted to leave on a good foot. Right. They were laughing at the. At the brownie stuff and bucket. I got off and just closed it at that. But I really wanted to fucking talk about that for some reason that night.

[B]

I'm surprised that you didn't, because if you would have asked me, like, remember we were talking.

[A]

It was me and Becky Wu, we were talking about material. And I goes, you know, I don't understand how I go see a comedian, he has the same material three nights in a row. Something has to happen that day. Something that threw him off, maybe on that day. His aunt died three years ago, and I was his favorite aunt. Something, you know.

[B]

You would think so. I think. I think you're more of an anomaly than, like, I've opened up for a lot of people. And it's not exactly the same, but it's close to the same.

[A]

You're.

[B]

And especially when you're editing CDs for you, it's annoying because you go up there five shows and do five different sets, like, completely different. It's not even like a word's different here or there. You have a whole new chunk that we were talking about before in the green room. Like, you're the. Like, not weird, but like, you're the unique one with that stuff, you know?

[A]

Bro, the other day, I mean, one of the reasons George got rid of cable. Did you get rid of cable? Yeah. And one of the reasons I'm about to get rid of cable, and I hate to say that a lot of people gonna go, joe, you're a hypocrite, is that the fucking Godfather's on every day now. I love the Godfather, but it's on every day on Showtime or one of Those Godfather, Godfather 2. And when Godfather 2 ends, Godfather 1 starts on another channel. I pay too much money to see the Godfather. I think I have it on DVD three times, VHS once. I think I even got it on cassette. I even got the other one, Blue phone.

[B]

Blu Ray.

[A]

Blu Ray. I got a godfather in everything. Okay? And this is funny, guys, you're gonna appreciate this. I know George Will, because George and I always have these conversations. I don't care what you guys want to say to me or tell me he's gay or he sucked dick. All those stories make me love him even more. We're talking about Marlon Brando. So last week, the Godfather's been on so much. And I go to myself, you know what? I haven't watched it about a year. Let me put it on. And my part came on right from the beginning. He cuts right through the chase. And it's when Sonny gets killed. And he fucking has the conversation with. No, the. The consulary. He has a comp. And. Which is one of the greatest fucking things ever when he tells him. And I read up on that scene like they were doing a show on the Godfather one night, and he had no idea that fucking what's his name was gonna take the glass out of his hand. Like Robert Duval was saying when we first rehearsed it, he rehearsed it like that. And that's what I would do to break your balls. Just rehearsed it a certain way. And then when we shot it, he came down and took the drink out and then gave it to me and then said, now you had your drink. And he goes, I was lost. He goes, the first two takes, I was lost. And then he came back and did it differently the second time. He goes, I was completely lost with this motherfucker. That's what you do, okay? I've always loved Marlon Brando, and I like the school of thought that he was in. He did everything, a little bit of everything. He wasn't good at everything, but he kept his mouth shut. And in the daytime, he would sit in Manhattan in front of Macy's in 1950, and he would sit in a phone booth and he would hide in a phone booth and watch people walk because he loved to watch people fucking walk. And if you watch that scene, the Godfather goes from the funeral, it goes from that to the funeral, look how they massacred my son. And then it goes right to the meeting in New York, because at the funeral, when he tells Tom, call a meeting of the heads of the five families. I don't want nothing. No retribution. And then they do that scene where he gets tortured for on Saturday Night Live of him reading. And everybody had stickums on, okay? Everybody had a stickum on. So he knew his lines. This motherfucker. This is a Major motion picture. And this guy refused to learn his lines. He would write them on you and put them on your fucking neck while the camera was on me. Because he wanted it to come out organically.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I love that. I always loved that shit. Some nights, you know what? As much as I want to go up there and open up with a fucking delivery joke, I want to open up with something that happened and just welcome them to the show and slow them down. Slow them down a little bit and bring them into my world. I like that.

[B]

That's a mistake I made.

[A]

I could not fucking imagine going up there and doing the same line every night from beginning to fucking end. I'm quitting. I'm quitting. Within a week, I'll quit. Can't imagine doing that. That's why I never set myself up like that on a ship or anything. You listen, Joey, here, we work clean. I understand. So I could probably do one show, but I'm gonna snap by the third. By Thursday. I gotta do what I do, baby girl, you know what I'm saying? We gotta take this to the next.

[B]

They're gonna leave you in the Bahamas.

[A]

Yeah. So this is why I don't like working off a page. I like working organically. See where you're going with them. Where are we going? What the fuck do they need to hear this joke tonight? Let me tell them an old story and let me go into this joke a different way. There's always something, you know, like I've said here with you a thousand times, I have 22 ways to tell you to go fuck yourself. At least some of them with a smile on my face. Some of them. Some of them, I go, lee, go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying, Lee, go fuck yourself, Lee. Not going to change. But that's. I've always loved that style of comedy, right? It's not improvising. It's not improvising. It's just moving shit around where you feel it should come out. In the middle of all that, if you put a tag on that and then stop what you're doing and talk about a shit you took or a walk you took with your cat. And then when you go back to that, oh, my God, people love it. They think it's fucking hysterical. People will laugh because you just went through a whole different thing. You didn't sell it as much as somebody would do that. It's like somebody would say, like, my wife's not a comedian, so she would say like, yes, all the peanuts sell. That wasn't A good thing that don't sell on the stage. White people loves doing that shit. They try to underline that, you know what I'm saying? That's not gonna sell.

[B]

What would sell?

[A]

The way I just did it, the peanut fell, whatever the fuck, you know, and just take it. It's when I oversell that line.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So instead of me going ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, Me and George went to whatever. Speaking of retards, who saw the jets on this? Okay, you were just talking about a heavenly beautiful thing, and all of a sudden you went back into retarding the jets. But guess what? At the end of that retard jets, you're gonna go back to how you love your daughter. And then I went back and they're like, what the fuck just happened? Because I put a tag on that. What's that? The front. What's the top tweet and the top retweet? Pin. I put a pin in that. So before. That's not done yet. I'm putting a pin in that. I'm just gonna take him for a walk on. I just took him on Fifth Avenue, but really quick. I'm gonna run down 69th street and take them on a walk on Riverside Drive. Then I'm gonna bring them back to the same spot. So I'm gonna meet them. I'm on 56th and 5th now. I'm on 56th and Riverside Drive. I'm gonna walk them to 60th and Riverside Drive, but I'm gonna bring em back to 56th and 5th.

[B]

That's what I thought. I just thought you were high and you would forget where you were.

[A]

No, that's the appearance you give those motherfuckers, right? So they think you're a wizard. No, you know you're not. It's like when I found out when I was a kid. I remember the first time I watched Brian. What's that guy's name that killed himself? Mork and Mindy.

[B]

Oh, Robin Williams.

[A]

First two times I saw Robin Williams, dog, I thought I was gonna have a fucking heart attack. Yeah, one time he was doing something and he opened up the fucking hamper and he goes, hoffa. I fucking almost died. Like, he was just. And then I found out that he wrote everything and he planned it out. Everything was planned out, right? He sold it like it was improvised, right? He sold it like he was spitting, dropping knowledge. But that thing had been well done already. It was fucking brilliant.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

It's how you sell it. You could sell it like this. The first time you fucking read it. But once you read, you ever read a book and you read like a couple paragraphs and you're like, wow, that was fucking great. I got to read that again. You read it again, then it takes the sting out after the third time and then you can move on. You're still blown away by the story, right?

[B]

But it loses the element of surprise. For sure. I couldn't agree more.

[A]

What the fuck you think you're dealing?

[B]

Did you ever see the show the Bear? Have you watched that yet?

[A]

Cooking show?

[B]

Yeah. No, it took me like, this is my like third time getting into it and it takes about a season. But like in the second season they have an episode where with your buddy John Bernthal did a great episode with like the whole family and the mom, the mom is going nuts. And like it's, it's, it's like that. Like I could rewatch it. I'll never be able to rewatch it in the same way. Cuz it's, it's so out there. Like there's, there's also. And I'm sure you never saw Game of Thrones. You ever see Game of Thrones? There's an episode called the Red Wedding where like they kill everybody at a wedding show wedding.

[A]

When I go, what isn't the Red Wedding just killed me for a smell some Hindu toes.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

One of those Hindu knives.

[B]

You're gonna say that like your toes smell great. They wash them.

[A]

Listen, my toes do not smell great. My toes like my asshole. I could wash it. I could wash it 20 times, wipe it with the towel and it still has that asshole smell to it on the towel. You're like, what am I gonna do to take this whiff out of mine? That's why I discovered the Uncle Joey loofah where you put it around your finger and you stick it in your ass to clean the barnacles off the ring. You ever look at porn? You ever watch porn and the chick's got a beautiful pussy, but her asshole's brown? Like around the asshole it looks like somebody painted it brown. And you're like, I don't need to see this shit. Somebody needs to fucking AI that white. You know, to, you know, like when you bleaching your teeth, right, you gotta bleach in your asshole. So I've always been interested how to bleach your asshole. Now I do not want to go to some Chinese lady, have to sell and have to have somebody bleach your asshole. That's. Listen, no bueno at all. Some Chinese lady has to take your asshole hair and put fucking little mascara sticks on it. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

A little paintbrush.

[A]

A little paintbrush. But you could do it yourself at home.

[B]

No, you can't.

[A]

Yes, you do. You get a loofah, you cut it down and you fucking, like, stitch it to fit your finger. And you stick your finger like three quarters of an inch up your asshole and you go this way. And you'll feel the. You'll hear the barnacles dying.

[B]

How about. How often do you throw this thing away?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

How often do you throw that thing away?

[A]

One a week? One or twice a week.

[B]

And so you just keep making new little loofahs.

[A]

When you buy a new loofah, you just cut them and prepare them. So you always have a big bag. You got a big bag of loofahs.

[B]

What happened to a bidet? I just installed a bidet.

[A]

Again, a bidet is great, but a bidet takes the decay off the top. It don't take that barnacle.

[B]

If you turn it up to 10, it does.

[A]

No, it doesn't. You have to help it. That's good. If you soak it first and spray, like fucking Febreze. It's not Febreze. With some. Yeah, like, what is it? Like some. No, not fertilizer. That's for the Arabs. What do you know, the other one, the one that you just, you know, like to clean. Okay, well, get yourself, like, a cleanser that has like a. Like strawberry seeds in it. I used that one time. Peach seeds. And you just take that and put the finger in and just clean around your barnacle. But even that. My ass still has that wang to it, so I gave up. I do it once a week now.

[B]

And, you know, you wouldn't get your asshole bleached. You wouldn't go to a place.

[A]

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I don't even like getting massages.

[B]

Oh, I love you. You don't like massages?

[A]

I don't like laying on the table face down. Anything could happen. You know what I'm saying? Anything could happen. And anything that can happen is not good. Oh, dude.

[B]

I gotta be honest. I just got into them a couple years ago. I've had, like, probably four massages. The first one I got was with a dude. And I'm gonna be. I was not thrilled about it, but it was either my ex getting a dude or me. And I was like, all right, I'll go with. I'll. I'll take the dude. Best one I've gotten by far like that. Like the head just. It was a little weird.

[A]

That's good. You don't want. You want.

[B]

You don't want a little. A dude just rubbing your shoulders. It feels nice.

[A]

I tried and it just doesn't. I like. The only woman I liked because it was out in the open was the Japanese, the Chinese lady I took you to.

[B]

Yeah, that was fun.

[A]

And she was great. For 40 bucks, she was great lady. I didn't have to worry about a hand job. Everybody was out in the open. You walk in, they put your feet in hot water, they put your feet up, they take your shirt off, they rub your shoulders, your fucking hands. They rub your neck. She would fucking stand on a chair and stick her heel into my chest.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

She was a powerlifter in China. And then she would start working on my legs and get a stick and do all this shit and fucking. Oh, she would. 40 bucks. I get off a plane, I go right there. I would drop my luggage at home, smoke a bonga and shoot right to the fucking thing.

[B]

Oh, dude, one day you called me, said, I'm going to be your house in 20 minutes. Wear shorts. And I came down, you took me there. And then, speaking of it. Yeah. We were laying next to each other with like a little curtain in between us, and this woman was strong as fuck, and I had to be like, hey, can you light up a little bit?

[A]

And from.

[B]

From the other side of the curtain, he said, don't be a pussy.

[A]

This place is great. Oh, and Massage Envy was across the street. It was like a fucking ghost town. Because up and down that street, it was. That place was legit. It was next to the bodega where the guy was cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And next to something else. The black haircutter in the corner. Remember, they would be cutting hair four in the morning, I would be coming up the hill and there'd be fucking 10 cars up there. Black people cut in half. Fucking music. They had a food truck. Fucking unreal. It was.

[B]

Yeah, it was Lankershim and something.

[A]

Yeah. And there was a little bodega there. The massage place wasn't there like a.

[B]

Dental office that was never open? Was that the dental office?

[A]

And then across the street was Massage Envy and that gym that they tore down, Gold's. No, there was a gym there that they tore down. And I remember I used to go there to get the juices. There was an Asian who sold juices there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that's where, God rest his soul, I used to see him lifting there with other big black dudes. The guy that died, Jamal Warner from whatever. Right across the street and up the. And across the street. That was a hot little neighborhood. The sushi there was tremendous. All you could eat across from the Haha. Yeah, they used to give you the mussels with the cheese on top. Oh, shit.

[B]

That's why I brought milkshake there.

[A]

Oh, that place was heavenly. We used to kill them. And then you had the place up the corner there. Oh, that. The corner thing that had the cheesesteaks and the french fries. They had like the old arches, like McDonald's. How the fuck are you forgetting all this?

[B]

Oh, wait, yeah.

[A]

It was next to the music studio. Fucking. Who's the guy who owes Vegas $20 million? Bruno Mars was there. Bruno Mars would record there and then go to the sushi place and then go back to that recording studio. We'd be in there eating the fucking cheesesteak with the fucking milkshake place outside.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Bruno Mars, remember had pounding outside.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know Bruno Mars used to say. I just.

[A]

That neighborhood was happening. It was Bruno Mars. We. We were living right there. Like, Bruno Mars is taping right there. 20 black cools in a band were going there dancing and shit. Fucking unreal. Unfucking real. And then up the block was the theater. You had the donut place and you had the bus and the train station. The tamale lady in the morning. You had the theater and you had the bar right above the theater. Yeah, yeah, no, next to the theater was across the street and upstairs the kid ran it. The comedy show. He had a wig.

[B]

I don't remember that one.

[A]

He had a wig like the Sheriff.

[B]

Dude. That was a weird. Do you remember, like, a little further down by one of the offices, there was like a bar with clowns on the outside. And I took one of the guys, the guy who used to run the fourth wall. We went on Halloween, him, Eric and I, and he got a $10 tattoo. It was just a. It was like a clown bar.

[A]

And do you remember what the other place next to the clown bar was? The sushi place where they would dance on the tables.

[B]

Oh, I never went to that one.

[A]

Yeah, that was. That's one of the first places I ate in la. When I came down from Seattle, the people I stayed with took me there. Fucking Japanese people dancing and jumping up and down the tables. We lived. And then they burned it down. The Japs burnt the sushi place down, but it burnt down the fucking smoothie place. That poor bastard used to Come in kickboxing. He was crying every day. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Insurance hasn't sent me money. I can't make protein shakes, dog. Take the money and get out. And he finally sold it and moved to Arizona.

[B]

I don't blame him. Fuck.

[A]

Fucking good times, Hollywood.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fuck yeah, dog. And I used to just call you and say, come down.

[B]

I got. I got Cuban fried rice for you.

[A]

Cuban fried rice. Fucking great. You would be. Because you wouldn't go out at night if it wasn't for me. You'd be in that fucking apartment. I'd make a come down, dog. We'd smoke. I used to have these tubes that you drank that were 200 milligrams that taste like grape juice. What's in those things, dog? I would give them an edible to eat and that to drink.

[B]

Oh, drunk Covid was a fun time.

[A]

It's like a fucking edible and fucking a drink. And also I go, I'll see you tomorrow. Where you going? Fuck you. I got shit to do. Cocksucker. And he lived across from a Bavarian hot dog place. That was disgusting.

[B]

Oh, Wiener Schnitzel. It was Wiener Schnitzel on a Frosty Freeze across the street from A. A. Popeyes. I can't tell you how many times myself and other fat would go from the Popeyes straight. Cuz you could go straight across line, four lines, four lanes of traffic into the Wiener Schnel Frosty Freeze line and get an ice cream with the Popeyes. It was good. Oh my God.

[A]

Where you at this week, beautiful?

[B]

This week? Thursday through Saturday, I'm with Josh Wolf and at Laugh Boston. And then on Monday the 13th, I'm at the Grizzly Pair in midtown.

[A]

You're beautiful. What time?

[B]

Nine o'. Clock.

[A]

Look at you.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Lili from the Gazebe. Me, I will be at the dojo Thursday night at the clock doing a bucket show. I think there's a few tickets left. And then Philadelphia on the 26th, Parks Casino the night before Thanksgiving. It'll be fucking insane. That's it. Take it. We'll see you next week. Stay black. We love you. And don't forget about us cocksuckers. I.