Joey Diaz almost drowned in Miami!

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode Title: Joey Diaz Almost Drowned in Miami!
Date: December 30, 2025
Hosts: Joey “Coco” Diaz, Lee Syatt
Guest: Becky Z

Episode Overview

This episode, recorded live from NYC, is a raucous, deeply personal, and hilarious conversation with Joey Diaz, Lee Syatt, and guest comedian Becky Z. It's the last show of 2025, and the trio spends most of the episode reminiscing about Lee’s recently botched wedding (food-wise), the absurdities of wedding planning, the challenges of relationships as a comic, and Joey’s recent trip to Miami, including a classic story of almost drowning in the Atlantic. As always, Diaz’s unfiltered warmth, wild storytelling, and ribbing take center stage. The episode explores the realities of getting older, losing friends, comedy hustle, and what it means to find—or shun—partnerships.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Wedding Mayhem and the Food Fiasco

0:13–15:00

• Lee’s Wedding Recap: Lee’s Brooklyn wedding was a hot topic, especially the food. Joey jokes about the lack of decent food and ribbing Lee for neglecting the “Jews and white people” at the multicultural buffet.
  • “Where the fuck was the food at your fucking wedding?” – Joey (03:36)
  • Lee enumerates the stations: Indian, Mexican, Asian, Jewish. Joey claims the only edible thing was shrimp, and bemoans the lack of eggplant sandwiches and decent pastrami sliders.
• Wedding Planning Regrets: Lee gushes about how hard and expensive weddings are; Joey and Becky agree that eloping might be wiser. There’s a running bit about the “four pastrami sliders” for the Jews and lamb lentil nachos causing gastric distress.
  • “Do me a favor. Anyone watching this? If you're going to get married, elope.” – Lee (08:11)
• Weddings as Money Moves: Joey blasts modern weddings as scams to get money for a house, satirizing lavish traditions.
  • “With today’s world and the cost today, I’m getting married at three. You could come or you could don’t come.” – Joey (09:06–09:08)
• The Realities of Gift-Giving: Jews are the only ones reliably leaving envelopes, Joey jokes, and Lee admits despite high hopes, they “didn’t make money on the wedding.”
  • “But the Jews, they have to.” – Lee (10:10)
• Work/Life/Comedy Balance: All agree relationships, especially as comics, require compromise—harder when nights and weekends are spent at clubs.

Notable Moments

• Becky’s understated presence as the “quiet observer” and youngest among them brings out some good-natured generational teasing.
• Running jokes: lamb lentil nachos, lack of chicken, late-arriving Jewish food, whoopee cushions at the wedding.

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2. On Relationships, Marriage, and Comedy’s Hard Choices

16:00–38:00

• Should Comics Even Get Married?: The hosts question the feasibility of maintaining relationships as stand-ups. Joey argues that the early grind is incompatible with relationships:
  • "There is no way I could have done what I did in comedy those first nine years with somebody." – Joey (24:16)
  • Lee shares that marrying later, after figuring himself and his career out, was the best move; divorces in 20s, happiness in 30s.
• Loneliness vs. Companionship: Joey opens up about the loneliness of the comic grind and the emptiness that can come with chasing only professional success.
  • “You could run by yourself for a long fucking time and do pretty well, but at some point, you have to connect with somebody…” – Joey (20:59–21:03)
• Generational Differences: Becky isn’t interested in marriage now, and both Lee and Joey encourage her to focus on stand-up for as long as she wants.

Notable Quotes

• "At some point, trust me, because I never thought I was going to put my life in anybody's hands. You go, you know what? It's that time." – Joey (21:28)
• "It's not like you watched it on NBC News or nothing. A piece of shit... I'm never coming here again." – Joey on childhood experience, Coney Island (76:51)

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3. Work-Life Balance: Comedy and Family Sacrifices

38:00–55:00

• Comedy Life vs. ‘Normal’ Life: The hosts compare the sacrifices comics make—missed birthdays, never being home—to those made in regular jobs. Joey describes his wife’s deep understanding and the importance of compromise.
  • “With comedy, it's very rough. This is not for everybody.” – Joey (29:18)
• Pandemic Living: Joey reflects on surviving family time during COVID, emphasizing that even after 25 years, long-term relationships are not all “cotton candy,” but continue to evolve with patience and respect.
• Generational Language Gap: The trio riff on slang (“no cap”), social media, and how “young” culture shifts faster than they can keep up.

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4. Food Philosophy, Travel, and the Infamous Miami Incident

55:00–74:00

• Aging and Diet: Joey discusses changes in his food habits: cutting out bacon, getting into farm eggs, protein, and probiotics post-hospitalization.
  • “At 55, people start dropping… I’m not gonna drink soda no more…” – Joey (51:12)
• Miami Vacation, Hotel Buffets, and Food Rants: Joey waxes lyrical about the hotel breakfast spread in Miami, comparing it to NYC hotels and LA spots, declaring the Denver Four Seasons as the breakfast gold standard.
• Almost Drowning in Miami: The centerpiece story—Joey gets knocked over repeatedly by waves at Miami Beach, struggles to stand, pees himself on the sand, and is mercilessly laughed at by his wife and children.
  • “Next thing you know, a fucking wave knocked me over. You guys would never laugh that hard.” – Joey (72:26)
  • “I was laughing so hard, I pissed myself... At this point, I don’t give a fuck.” (73:02)
  • “Every time I put my foot down and go to get up, the wave would hit me again and I go backwards. This happened about four or five times. Then it took me three or four times just to get up to both feet.” (74:08)

Notable Moments

• Other beach-related disasters: as a child, nearly drowning at Coney Island and running afoul of floating “debris”; getting hit by rocks on the beach as an adult.
• Lee’s offer to pay to see resort camera footage of Diaz’s “greatest wipeout” (74:41).

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5. Comedy Career Memories and Mentorship

80:00–end

• Working with Becky: Joey and Lee praise Becky for her attitude, work ethic on the road, and how her presence reminds them of their early days. Joey stresses the importance of bringing new voices and perspectives, especially women, into the mix.
• Gratitude and Closing Notes: Despite a rough year for Joey (health problems, losses), the group expresses gratitude for stand-up, the community, and another year together.
  • “It’s been inspiring. Because it’s looking at comedy from a different perspective…with Becky, we’re looking at her develop.” – Joey (81:46)
• Aging Out of the Scene: Joey reflects on outliving his original comedy cohort and the constant need to “roll with the punches” as time (and the industry) changes.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Lee’s Wedding Food Fiasco: 03:36–15:00
• Elope vs. Big Wedding Discussion: 08:11–10:00
• Comic Relationships & Marriage: 16:00–38:00
• Joey’s Comedy/Food Philosophy: 55:00–73:00
• Miami Beach Near-Drowning Story: 72:26–74:41
• Comedy Career & Mentorship: 80:00–84:45

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Where the fuck was the food at your fucking wedding?”
— Joey Diaz (03:36)

“At some point, you have to connect with somebody to take it to the next level. He meant the mob…but I take it as anything…”
— Joey Diaz (20:59–21:03)

“Do me a favor. Anyone watching this? If you’re going to get married, elope.”
— Lee Syatt (08:11)

“You dumb motherfuckers are never around when the good thing happens. The only person who witnessed these things is my wife. And that’s why she thinks I’m a fucking idiot.”
— Joey Diaz, on being knocked over in the surf (71:17)

“Next thing you know, a fucking wave knocked me over… I was laughing so hard, I pissed myself.”
— Joey Diaz (72:26–73:02)

“I looked up and there’s a piece of shit floating in the ocean…I’m never coming here again.”
— Joey Diaz, on childhood at Coney Island (76:51)

“I like having a woman on my show…you cannot serve a person three orders of dick…”
— Joey Diaz (83:08)

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Episode Takeaways

• This episode is a classic blend of hard-hitting honesty and signature Joey Diaz humor, anchored in day-to-day realities and comic absurdities.
• It’s about the eternal struggle between comedy and relationships, the insanity of American wedding traditions, the indignities and surprises of aging, and the unfiltered joy—and embarrassment—of being truly yourself.
• The mentoring dynamic with Becky Z adds freshness and perspective to the nostalgia and life-worn wisdom of Joey and Lee.

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For new and longtime listeners, this episode showcases The Church at its best: brutally honest, endlessly funny, and with just enough heart to keep you coming back every week.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, getting old hits hard, but you fight it with Bubs Naturals. Bub's Natural Collagen peptides help you turn the clock back and restore collagen levels to what your body had in its youth. This collagen powder has zero sugars, sweeteners or fillers. It dissolves in any liquid without taste or clump. Third party lab tested, NSF certified, Whole 30 approved. Dishonest. This stuff is clean, trustworthy and sustainably sourced. Listen, I put in a couple protein shakes. Let's see what happens. Couple weeks, I might look like bella figura over here and everybody will jump on the Bubb's Naturals. Listen, Bub's Naturals just doesn't make the best collagen peptides in the world. They have electrolyte supplements, MCT oil creamer and more. Live better longer. For a limited time, Church listeners are getting 20% off by Bubsnaturals by using code CHURCH at checkout. C H U R C H so just head to bubsnaturals.com bubsnaturals.com use code church c h u R C H and you're all set. After you purchase, they'll ask you how you heard about them. Tell them that the church pointed you that direction. All right. Happy New Year to everybody. What's happened, beautiful savages? It's December 30th. You got one more beautiful day. And this year and I'm here. Well, I can't call him Kato no more. You know what I'm saying? He's my little Kano of love, Lee Syed.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

And our little co host tonight, Becky Z, coming into your living room for the final podcast of the year. What's up, gentlemen and ladies?

[B]

Doing good. How you, Becky?

[C]

I'm good. You're not taking a weekend off from getting married?

[B]

There's no date, there's no. Dude. We did the podcast for eight years in la. I think for the first six. We didn't even take Christmas off.

[A]

Nothing. We're like the comments.

[C]

We don't close Christmas Day. You didn't take Christmas Day off.

[B]

I just know I'm just the week of. Because we, we would do it Mondays and Wednesdays, usually Sundays and Wednesdays. But yeah, I didn't even. I. I'm saving. I'm. I'll save the ask for a big trip. So it. I did the. Did the wedding. That's why I did it in New York. If I. If I had done a Wedding, like in, like, Italy or something? Or India. I wouldn't even send him an invite. But then. No, we did it in Brooklyn. I'm happy to be here. Can you imagine if I sent you. If I sent you an invite asking you to come to India? I should have done that.

[A]

You're lucky I came to fucking Brooklyn. I know, dude.

[B]

I didn't think you were coming. I asked George.

[A]

That snowstorm was a bust because they were supposed to cancel the wedding and everybody woke up the next day. God damn. Damn it. We gotta go to Brooklyn now. God damn it.

[B]

Guess who was the first one there?

[A]

Who?

[B]

George.

[A]

Oh, first one. I believe it. I fucking believe it. Oh, I didn't bring an eggplant sandwich.

[B]

Opening the door as the ceremony started.

[A]

He didn't bring an eggplant sandwich.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I didn't plant palm or rollatini or nothing like that.

[B]

American cheese slices.

[A]

Well, he should have. Where the fuck was the food at your fucking wedding?

[B]

What do you mean? It was out the entire time?

[A]

No, they had shrimp and that mystery meat cocktail.

[B]

First of all, they didn't have.

[A]

That was mystery meat.

[B]

So much about the shrimp and then.

[A]

No, the shrimp was good, but that was it. I was like Gilligan on an island.

[B]

I ate shrimp cocktail hour.

[A]

No, no. Then they showed up with broccoli. What were they.

[B]

No broccoli. They.

[A]

Cauliflower tacos. Oh, my God.

[B]

The entire goddamn menu.

[A]

Fanny said that she tasted a nacho. She thought it was a nacho.

[B]

Oh, it was an Indian nacho.

[A]

Yeah. Lamb with lentil. She said she almost shit her pants and she had to run home.

[B]

Good. First of all.

[A]

And then they brought the Jew food out late. No wonder your mother didn't show. They treated the Jews like. That's why. Oh, my. And she saw it coming.

[B]

That Asian. We had Asian food.

[A]

What Asian food? Those cold noodles with the cup and a salad.

[B]

No, the. Was that two kind of dumpling sprinkles.

[A]

The. I didn't see that.

[B]

Pancakes.

[A]

That was at 10:30 at night, after the Jews started. At 7:30, you had the party for the Hindus and then you forgot about the white people.

[B]

The white people.

[A]

You had little squares. People were eating them, throwing them up. Somebody was throwing them around like a. One of those things in Road Warrior movie.

[B]

All the little boomerangs.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

The good thing was I lost 250. That was good.

[B]

You want at least. Well, don't say that. It was. It was a. I had a casino there that you didn't actually have to put real money down.

[A]

That's what I said. I lost $250.

[B]

$250? You fucking.

[A]

First of all, you would know. Cause you're the king of the Jews, so you would.

[B]

Fucking cameras looking.

[A]

But it was good. I had a good time. I kept winning. Black, Black, Black.

[B]

Yeah, because it's weird saying my wife, she doesn't like dancing, and we both like to gamble. So I was like, fuck it. Let's just have that. Did you see. Were you there for the magician or you leave already?

[A]

I don't stay for magicians. I left during the Irish people.

[B]

Oh. You okay?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Once I saw Motley come in, it was over. These Indians. No food. Motley Crue. What the.

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

No food.

[B]

One shrimp, three shrimp, the most expensive. We could have bought a car for the amount of money we spent on.

[A]

Well, you should have got her to cook it, because we should have. When that had a. A cauliflower taco.

[B]

Yeah, we had to have some veggie. We also had chicken tacos.

[A]

No, there was no chicken. That was like, Indian chicken. That was like.

[B]

There was an Indian station, a Mexican station, an Asian station, and Jewish station. You had to wait 45 minutes in between. It's called cocktail hour. I don't know shit about this stuff.

[A]

But what fucking cocktail hour? It's food. That's all we know. You sit, they bring you salad, and then they don't stop after that.

[B]

You were just talking before the podcast started about how old people can't. What is the alligator doing? Your leg? But all people don't know what's going on. Oh, she's just petting the alligator. I took too many animals for that. But no, we. It's the. We didn't want, like, a stuffy. Like, we pass around terrible food. It was supposed to be like a food hall, everyone hanging out. She made marshmallows. We had a good time. Oh, my God. I was waiting. No sandals. I promised you, no sandals. Not one sandal in the house.

[A]

He kept talking, and your brother came up. I thought I did acid. He looked like you on aids. Oh, I know. You kept looking back. I'm like, wow, these holy.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He looks just like if he had. Lee had aids. Like if he went to Brooklyn and got a bad batch of. Oh, yeah, that's what he looked like.

[B]

What would I look like if I got a good batch of asshole? Oh, my God. Yeah, he did.

[A]

And he had some cool Jews there, but the Jews were looking at me for support. I'm like, dog. I don't know. They were looking at the Cuban like, where's the food? I'm like, even your cousins?

[B]

No, you just sat at the table. They were watching.

[A]

There was no table. We were sitting there, waiting table.

[B]

Don't tell.

[A]

There was such.

[B]

If you had a goddamn table.

[A]

There was a lady with the missing tooth that kept giving the shrimp. And. And you come.

[B]

One of the servers had a missing tooth.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And your cousin's like, where's the food? I'm like, I don't know. It's a fucking Hindu wedding. They forgot about the Jews. I heard they came out with four fucking pastrami sliders at the end of the night.

[B]

Like four, not at the end.

[A]

Four Jews took them and that was it. Where's the food?

[B]

They had latkes, they had pizza.

[A]

Pizza?

[B]

Yeah. Caesar salad. They had everything. There was a lot of. Fuck, I didn't get any of it.

[A]

Thank God. You wouldn't have been here. And when I smelled that bathroom, I thought, you got those lamb lentil fucking nachos.

[B]

I didn't try any of the Indian.

[A]

Jesus Christ. But do.

[B]

Do me a favor. Anyone watching this? If you're going to get married, elope. It was a great time. I'm happy we did it. Elope. Because this is my wife's second marriage. She told me, but I didn't listen. If you're ever getting married, elope it is. You'll save a ton of money, a ton of heartache. So much work. Eloping is the best thing that you.

[A]

Can do with a wedding.

[C]

Word.

[A]

With a wedding, like anything else in life. You're never going to please nobody.

[B]

Right.

[A]

What happened was. And yes, I'm old, but this is the evolution I see of a fucking wedding. Now. You either like your aunt? Yeah. How are you doing? We decided to. We're going to move when I have the wedding in the Dominican Republic. I felt so bad because. Don't. It was the first night came out of my mouth. Don't send me an invite. I have to call her now and apologize. I hit her up on Christmas Day, but Chooch was in the car with her, you know, And I just told her, I'm not doing it.

[B]

Well, I think people do that so that people don't come. But they send gifts.

[A]

No, they won't listen. Everybody wants people in an island. So you could tell everybody you dressed in white and walked around. That's not a fucking wedding. That's a fucking work. That's work. Like, let's say Becky's friends with your wife. And I'm dating Becky. And Becky goes, we have to go to Hawaii. I'll tell Becky. Not in a fucking million years. Not in a million years. I don't know these people. I'm going to sit there looking around for three hours, you know, like, where did I go wrong? How did I end up here? Listen, with today's world and the cost today I'm getting married at three. You could come or you could don't come. But if you have a mar. A wedding like you had, it's to get that money to buy a house.

[B]

And even then, like, we.

[A]

That's it. We.

[B]

We're very thankful. Thank you. Everyone here brought gifts. But, like. Like, there are some people, some, like, family members didn't leave envelopes. But the Jews, they have to. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it was only the Jews. And listen, listen, listen, listen. Here's what people don't consider about anything anymore.

[B]

It's expensive.

[A]

And it's not your fault. It's not nobody's fault. It's the woman that you don't grab by the hair and say, what are you thinking? I love you to death, but this is way out of control. And I'm not talking about you, Lee. I'm talking about the weddings with the pigeons and the fucking. Oh, my God, you gotta go somewhere, and we want there to be a white elephant, and, you know, pigeons get loose. Meanwhile, he's fucking the maid already.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You know, and yeah, look at the black chick from the View. She got the wedding. Yeah. And the black dude was fucking the maid once she got married.

[B]

Oh, Hysteric.

[A]

You know, came out like a year later. He disappeared. He was banging the maid already, you know, but you made people come and some guy with a trumpet. And I got to let out 100 pigeons and make believe I'm interested. Why are you doing this? And you have to look at your wife and go, listen, I gotta be honest with you. Unless you're sucking their dick, nobody cares.

[B]

No, people don't care. And it's also, like, they'll tell you.

[A]

They care, but they don't. And I understand that, because guess what? I don't give a fuck about what your wife wants for a wedding. And that's where you have a mutual thing. Like, this is what we're gonna do. Let's do this amount. Let's make 18 people. 18 people, like on audition, Dinner. What's that shit? The night before A rehearsal dinner.

[B]

Yeah. Even that was fucking expensive. Oh, yeah, Now.

[A]

And how the fuck don't you. She's a fucking chef, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

She has enough to do on top of cooking. We didn't even have that many people. We had 88 people.

[A]

It's so crazy, the cost.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

You know, I can't imagine what you paid for the food. I can't even imagine. And you and I both know from looking at each other, it was too much.

[B]

Dude, we could have paid. We bought a Toyota for what we paid for. Yeah, yeah, like one. Not like. Not like a used.

[A]

And there wasn't enough food there to fill a Toyota.

[B]

No, there wasn't. The battery maybe like a B210 from.

[A]

1976 with the two seater. Maybe, but that's what it is. And women and families have to make like. Listen, man, we're going to put out. And I hate to say this, we're Gonna put out 25,000 for a wedding, but we're getting back 75 grand so you can have 50 to go back to your house.

[B]

You think?

[A]

But you have.

[B]

Dude, dog, I know it's not 25 grand.

[A]

In New York wouldn't give you nothing. Nothing, nothing.

[B]

It is crazy what they charge. If you like George, our buddy George, who's always here, is a framer by art, by trade.

[C]

You.

[B]

You could make a million dollars a year just. Just doing wedding stuff. The m. The amount of money that they charge for anything at a wedding is criminal. It is crazy.

[A]

And they know why. Why do they do that?

[B]

Cuz. Cuz you're. You have to do it. You're in love.

[A]

Cuz you're under the ether. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, they. We could do it until that bill comes in and you're like, oh my God.

[B]

Even like the. The we got. The space we got was nice, but it was the cheapest we could find. That's like.

[A]

We.

[B]

We went to some places that wanted to charge us like 15, 20 grand just for the space just to have it there. And.

[A]

And the open bar was nice. I tipped the guy 20. He brought me ginger ales all night, like Pepe Le Pew. He was walking to me.

[B]

We had open bar.

[A]

Cause those Jews and those Indians, they were up there with elbows. Nobody was getting a dime. No, I think some guy left like a nickel or something like that. I told the guy, I go get a fucking cup out. I told the guy, where's your tip cup? He goes, we use it. These varmints put a tip cup out. And I put a 20 in there so everybody could see it. I go, because these motherfuckers. Oh, yeah, they all got long pockets and short arms. They're not gonna give you a dime. And they're up. And they're up here ordering. You know, I was watching them. I'm drinking Ginger Alex. They're up there ordering. Let me get this. And I'm like, oh. And not one of them went in their pocket. They just took the drinks and turned around. I'm like, oh, that's cold blooded, dude.

[B]

And we saved. I can't. We saved thousands of dollars by buying the booze ourselves. We went to Costco and brought it, because if they had brought the booze. Holy shit, dude, it is. It is crazy. I'm happy. It's all. It's cool. Let me do. I was thinking about you, about the story of you taking the money at the bar mitzvah. And I was. I was thinking, like, I know you don't steal anymore. You're a reformed man. But, like, did you ever get the urge? Like, I. I could see you at the wedding.

[A]

I'm a reformed man. I'm not going to take a purse. But I see 15 grand. It's gone. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go to 7 11, take a lighter. Right. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go to CVS and steal a box of condoms, but I will If I see 15 grand. An envelope. Oh, my God, that is mine. And I'll look at them with a straight face, bro. I would never see you envelope.

[C]

Who said.

[B]

Is it Cat? Was Cat Williams who had the joke about helping, like, eating his son's cereal and helping him look for it. You probably help them look for the envelope. Retrace your steps.

[A]

You. Let's see what's going on here.

[B]

Holy. That was. I'm glad everyone came. It was a lot of fun. I'm going to Vegas for a couple of days just to. It's too cold to go anywhere, so we're just gonna go to Vegas for a couple of days. I'm excited. I'm Becky. I'm very sorry. I met you after all the invites have been sent out. I feel terrible that you weren't invited, but.

[C]

No. Yeah. Please don't. I don't feel like we know each other well enough.

[B]

Well, we took. We took a nap in the same room, so we got it. We know each other.

[A]

We.

[B]

Becky's been on the road with us, and you've been doing great. Becky's been hysterical on the road, and.

[C]

Yet he didn't invite me to his wedding.

[A]

I'm sorry. Becky, what's the story? When you get married, you're gonna have a big wedding?

[C]

I don't think I want to get married.

[A]

Why not?

[C]

I feel like that's not necessary.

[B]

How old are you, Becky?

[C]

27.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll give you five more years.

[A]

And then.

[C]

Then you're gonna get a chubby Jewish guy getting married. I don't get it.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

No, no.

[C]

Congratulations.

[B]

No, that does not die alone.

[C]

Well, you don't have to get married. Just be like, hey, come stay at my house.

[A]

Who? I don't know.

[B]

I'll tell you.

[A]

I'll see.

[C]

We'll see.

[B]

I'll tell you. Like, I mean, because Anisha had been married before and she. She didn't need.

[C]

And it wasn't good.

[B]

No, it wasn't. Thank God. Well, for me. But, like, I don't. I think if. With kids. If you don't have kids, I think you probably could. Like, you save money on taxes, being married.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But if you have kids, I think it's good to.

[C]

That's a good reason.

[B]

Like a family.

[A]

Here it is, plain and simple. Okay? I got divorced and I was like, never again. Not even fucking close. I'll date, I'll do this, I'll live with somebody, but never again. Never fucking again. And then it was weird. I started getting older. And I know a woman isn't at peace till they're married. Like, they don't give a fuck about anything else as long as you marry them. And it didn't have to be a big thing, you know? And I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I had no fucking idea. All right? I could tell you I knew what I was doing, but I had no fucking idea. I just. It was time to do a good deed, you know? She was really good to me, and I loved her and she loved me. Let's get married. I didn't know how to feel about a kid, but I had no choice. It's not like people. We're planning a child. Go fuck yourself. I don't know nothing. You know what I'm saying? I'm 50 years old. I don't know what I'm planning.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Then you have a child, and then you're like, well, whatever happens. But I'm going to tell you what happens. Do you see these comedians acting up the last couple months?

[B]

Yeah, I see a lot of them. What do you want?

[A]

Are acting up a couple. A lot of months? Count the ones that don't have kids or aren't married.

[B]

All of them, probably. Yeah. And definitely, I'll tell you this, Becky, because, like, growing up by 20, when I was your age, when I was 27, like, when I was growing up, I thought I'd be married by 27. Like, being not married at 27 was old. But now, like, for like, my generation and probably yours too. Like, I'm so happy that I waited. I like. And nothing against any of my exes, but, like, I just. I'm very happy that I married who I married and I didn't like, because I see a lot of people who, like, get married in, like, their early 20s and then by the early 30s, the divorce, because, like, they. You change so much. And I'm very happy that I waited. Because if I hadn't thinking back to any, I don't. Who knows? I don't think I'd be as happy. I don't. Because you see some married couples who just hate each other. They're just, like, depressed.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's not like. It's so. I don't think, you know, at 27, I don't think you're weird for not wanting to get married right now.

[A]

I.

[B]

Do you date a lot or are you just focusing on stand up?

[C]

Just stand up right now.

[A]

It's probably.

[B]

Is that. Did you date before or not really?

[C]

I mean, I have, but, like, it's not. I just. I just feel like getting. I feel like getting married is kind of weird. No, weird.

[A]

You look at it. You know what I mean?

[B]

What is that?

[A]

You look at it kind of weird. And I know right now, you know, thank God you don't have the urge, because I think you got a good shot of being a great comic. But at the same fucking time, listen, man, I come home some nights and I'm like, this sucks. And there's two people in my house.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And this sucks. You know, I'm just telling you, like. And then I see these people who are doing comedy. Can you imagine being fucking 60, living, growing up in a hotel every fucking night? And now you have nothing. You have $50 million. And we know a couple people like that. Right off the top of my head. I know three guys that probably worth $50 million, but they go home to an empty fucking house, man.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That 50 million ain't worth it. You know, when I was 30, I grew up watching fucking Charles Bronson movies. That motherfucker never had a girlfriend. So I'm like, I'm never gonna have a girlfriend. Like Charles Bronson. And in hard times, you got, like, a girl. He would go over there once a week. I'm like, all right, that scene. But he always had that little Charles Bronson apartment. And I could see myself being content. But I was younger and I didn't know, and I didn't go through what I'm going through now. And what I see, I see comics because I know them. And with no children, no wives, no nothing, it's fucking hard, man.

[C]

It's lonely.

[A]

It's lonely. And you know what, man? I'll tell you. There's a book I read that people hate, and it's a chapter in there that he breaks down Life. It's Sammy the Bulgarivano's book. And he goes, you could run by yourself for a long fucking time and do pretty well, but at some point, you have to connect with somebody to take it to the next level. He meant the mob. You know what I'm saying? Like, he meant the mob. He was a car thief, whatever. He ran a club. He did all this shit, but nothing mattered until he joined the family. He goes, yeah, I had to give half my profits away, but I got more work. It gave me a green light to even make more money. And I didn't take it as joining the mob. I take it as anything. You could run for years, and at some point, trust me, because I never thought I was going to put my life in anybody's hands. You go, you know what? It's that time. You might be 32, you might be 41, you might be 44, like I did, but at some point, you got to go. I'm coming in.

[B]

And I think because you and your wife are very happy. I'm not saying you were joking before about it being. But I think because I've been in relationships or places where you don't want to go home because you're like, God, I don't want it. Like, being home with them stinks or like we're fighting or we don't like each other that much. But if you're all. If you're alone all the time, it gets a little weird mentally.

[A]

Like being in solitary confinement.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why do you think I go to the gym in the mornings and talk to people? Why do you think I do something out of my. I don't want to do? I force myself. Because I looked into it. I read into it what happens when you get old. They fucking tell you to get a dog.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that means I gotta walk around and wait for the dog to shit. That's not my idea. Fun. I'm still not talking to nobody. I'm talking to a dog. Come on, hurry up. It's cold out. I want to go back. I want to go back and watch Landman, whatever the fuck, you know? Yeah, but it's just so, I don't.

[B]

Know, it's weird because when I, like, even, even now, I was gonna say when I was Becky's age, but I love being by myself. Like, I love being by myself.

[A]

Are you fucking kidding me? That's what marijuana is all about.

[B]

Oh, I love marijuana, but I don't. Even without marijuana, I have a good time by myself. But, and I don't know, I, I wish I had any relationship and advice for anybody, but at least so far, like, the, the thing that stood out about Anisha is like, I, I, I haven't in a, in the time we've been together, like, I've never been sitting there like, God, she's annoying. Or like, God, I wish I could just watch what I want to watch. Or like, it's, I don't know. And because, and so I think it's good that you're, that you're not rushing into it.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think about it.

[B]

It's a lot easier to think about for, like, chubby dudes to be like, I'm, I'm an incel. I'm not gonna date, like, you. Like, as a pretty girl, you must have to, like, do you even have dating apps or. You're not even on it right now.

[C]

I'm not on it. I just don't.

[B]

Jesus, girls.

[A]

He just lives a life.

[C]

I'm just doing comedy.

[A]

Chinese hippie.

[C]

I am, I'm just, I, I like it. It's fun not having somebody.

[A]

Well, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something right off the bat. There is no way I could have done what I did in comedy those first nine years with somebody. Yeah, I dated somebody for four years at the end. No, I did. You know, we lived together, but there's no way. The first five years, what I was doing was not normal. It's this life. It's this what we do.

[C]

Yeah, you don't.

[A]

And if you're gonna meet somebody, you're gonna meet him at a bar doing comedy. You're not gonna meet them at the library. This is your whole life for five or six years, this is it. Your day job. And then one day you figure out a way to quit that motherfucker. And now this is it. All fucking day. So those first couple years, it's very rough because you have to think about that. It's like me now. Like me now. You know, I can't fucking leave Friday, Saturday and Thursday. I can't. I'm too far deep into the fabric of that home. For seven years. I did it when Mercy was younger. She didn't know what was going on. Now I can never pull that off. I wish I could. I wish there was somewhere I could go 15 minutes from my house and there'd be 25 people every night, five nights a week. Make my life a lot easier. But life isn't that fucking easy. That's the only hinge that marriage has is the ability to want to go do comedy. And some nights you gotta stay in with it. Some nights you gotta go to dinner with her.

[B]

Yeah, you had date night the whole time in la. Tuesday nights you had date night with, with your wife every. It was like you would do yoga at the Y and go watch Sons of Anarchy. It was like once a week. But yeah, no, it, it's important. And I also think because you, you were married since you were married twice. And I think it's both ways because I was in a relationship before stand up and then started stand up and they don't, I don't think. Anyway, it's not even just a women thing. I don't think anyone likes. Because then you're gone all the time.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Now with, with Anisha, I was doing stand up when we met. So like it's. She knows what to expect sort of thing and like did that. I mean, I know by the time you started standing up your ex wife and you weren't really getting along that well.

[A]

No, no, but I wasn't even doing stand up with my ex wife. I did four or five moves.

[B]

Oh, right at the end. Right.

[A]

Yeah, it was the beginning. So I started in July and we separated in October.

[B]

Right. Yeah.

[A]

There was nothing really going on. But I spoke about it on the plane ride up here and George was telling me, when you get married, it's all fun and games in the beginning. Especially when it comes to stand up comedy. All fun and games until you're a feature act and you just can't go to Florida for one week. Cause the plane ticket is 400 and you're only getting 400 a week or 500. So you have to stay out of town for two weeks to make that work. Wait till you call that bitch on Tuesday and tell her. Me, Joey, Jimmy Schubert, Steve Simone, we went to play golf and then from there we went to get the best Chinese and she's sitting on the phone going, well, that must be nice. That's fucking great. And wait till you have a child.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you gotta wait and make that call. Like, I see people with kids on a ship ain't gonna last long. She's gotta be a trooper.

[B]

Because you can't even call them that much on the.

[A]

If you're on a ship, she's gotta be a trooper. And that's what I've seen in my 34 years of comedy. I've seen a lot of guys that fucking come out of the box, they get happy, they jump up and down. I see them with the girl three or four times. Everything's a joke. You know, she's bringing her girlfriends from work. Oh my God, he's so funny. How do you do it? Oh my God, the house is a joke. We laugh all day. Give that. Until the jokes get. Cause just like your audience, they get sick of your fucking jokes too. Just like your audience. And that's when it gets tricky. Yeah, that's when your house has to. You have to learn. And I pulled it off in front of you. For years I was doing two podcasts a week, somebody else's podcast, and every weekend on the road and three nights of comedy at the Comedy Store. If I stayed in.

[B]

And at the beginning your wife was working.

[A]

But no, no, no, in the beginning my wife always worked. But I'm saying the last eight years we were in la, I didn't deviate from that program. Never. Whether I had a child, whether I didn't have a child. Because she understands the importance of it. You follow me? So it takes a while. That's why I always tell people, wait till you get a little bit more established. Because if not, she wins the argument. What are you gonna go down there for? For 900 bucks? But. But you're staying in and now you gotta call that club owner and fake a car heart attack or a car accident. And you know, it's just. And that's balance with comedy is very rough. This is not for everybody. This is not for everybody.

[B]

Well, people talk about it in like for regular jobs too, like the work life balance. I don't think you like when you.

[A]

Work, you're not gone on the fucking weekend surrounded by girls in a bar.

[B]

Right? That's true.

[A]

Okay, when you're working at Burger King or the fuck you do in the daytime, unless you work at a 40 hours a week. No. All this shit just doesn't click. It's Just not you cracking jokes, getting on a plane, staying out of town for three or four days. She's got to carry the baby up the stairs. You know, it's not that. It's the woman, the drinking. Who you working with? I'm working with George. He's a womanizer. You're not allowed to work with George, and you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? You know? And you could always see a comic on the road. Like, let me tell you something. I loved Carol. When I dated Carol for four years, I loved Carol, but Carol was too crazy for a comedian. You follow what I'm saying to you? Like, she was. It was too much stress. It's too much thinking about her, and you lose your comedic whatever. And that's why Rogan always says, for two years he was struggling, and then one day it was like it all hit him. He started killing. Because I didn't have that weight of thought. That thought is 30% of your fucking day. 40% of your day. If you're natural, if you care about people, you have a girlfriend or a wife, it's a lot of your time. So there's so many fucking issues. It's just you have to work on it as you go along and correct the different fucking things. Listen, I've been with Terry 25 years. If you think we've been jumping up and down for 25 years, you guys are fucking wrong. Every relationship has peaks and valleys. And, you know, you're great. And then one minute you're not talking. She's angry about something. Did you watch Landman last night? He fucked the omelet and she didn't talk to him for two days because he fucked the cheese omelet. He took Cialis, and his dick didn't go down in the mornings. It doesn't matter. But it's just. It's so fucking weird.

[B]

Yeah, that's actually something that's going to. And I haven't had that impulse with. With Anisha.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

But my. When, like, I don't like conference.

[C]

What Joey's saying.

[B]

It will happen. It will. And I have to get used to it because my. Like, I don't like confrontation. Like. Like, in all my past relationships, I. They lasted a year plus longer than they should have because I'm a. And I don't like breaking up with somebody. Like, it's.

[C]

The.

[B]

And my first instinct in, like, a fight is to peace out. Like, if I get into a fight, like, I want to run, not necessarily break up, but, like, I don't like it, I'll leave the house. I don't like that, that shit.

[A]

It's not confrontation with your wife.

[B]

Right? I can't. But I can't leave it.

[A]

It's civilized. It's a civilized conversation. It's a civilized conversation. Hope it's not two people. It's not Henry Hill. I know that you're lying. Go to your ready made whores. You know that's not my house at all. You know, I had to tell Terry a couple weeks ago that me and Mercer don't want to go back to Tennessee with me. But I didn't tell her like that. I told her the truth. And this is the truth. I go, for fucking 13 years, you've been pushing your family down our throat and pushing us down their throat. Your father's 85. When was the last time you spent a week with him without having to run back and forth and come here? And what's Mercy going to do? And what's Joey going to do? Just go. You don't have to bring us anymore. The cat's out of the bag. Mercy told her in Florida, every time she goes, you like Miami? She goes, well, it smells better than Tennessee.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Oh, you know, it's just. And my wife doesn't get it. And that's where you have. It's not a comp. It's like, guys, and I've been saying this for years, go to church on a Sunday. Just go to one church, go to any church on a Sunday and you'll see the fucking wife walking in like she's Dominic Denucci and the two ugly kids. And the husband who, he wants to be it, he just wants to watch the jets, you know what I'm saying? He's worked all hard. He loves Jesus and this whole thing, but this whole thing is not necessary. You know, it's just not necessary. You go to a church and the kid's crying, eight people like, oh, my God, Fuck you. Take that fucking kid out of here. You know, Take that fucking kid out of here. And after, you know, you can see it. You're sitting behind a couple, they have two young kids. One is two and one is one. They don't know what's going on. They don't even have a fucking clue about church or God or the cookie or the nun.

[B]

They don't know nothing and they don't want to know.

[A]

And now they got to sit there like, too bumpy. And the mice like, come on, come down. Oh, you take them out. Why did we even do this. Who wants to go to church? I go ahead. I'll stay here with the kid. When the kid makes his first communion or whatever, then we'll go as a family. But for us three to go and. And I'm not living my life. I got to sit there with you, make him believe. Like, I want to be there with a cup of coffee. Oh, this is great. No, I don't. My buddies are yelling up and down around the corner. They're at fucking. The game starts at one and they're already drinking and yelling. And I got to sit at this fucking church with you and two fucking kids that don't even know where the fuck they are.

[B]

But what do you think the line is?

[A]

Because you.

[B]

You just. I know what you're saying, but you still have to make compromises sometimes.

[A]

It's a compromise. That's a compromise. You go, I stay and I'll take the kids. I'm taking the kids off your hand so you could really enjoy God's light. Okay. Instead of stopping. Nikki. Oh, Nikki. No. Can you have a pacifier for Nikki? Nikki don't want to be here, Right? That's fair. Nikki never signed up for this nonsense. And that's what people don't understand. You know, if it was up to my wife. We go to Tennessee every year, right? With the whole fucking, you know, going on about, no, again, you're a comic. Next time you go on a fucking plane, look at the fat wife coming on the plane with the husband behind her carrying a bag. Look at her face and look at his face. And when you see his face, you'll go, I'm never gonna have that fucking face. And as he walks past you in first class, you grab him and go. You could get off right now. I'll give you what's in my pocket. Get out of the plane. Just drop the kid. I know what you're feeling. Get the fuck outta here.

[B]

I don't think you can do that anymore. People used to do that. Remember when, like, fathers would, like, abandon their families.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm telling you. You might as well start smoking. Cause at least you go out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back like Bruce Springsteen did.

[B]

You're building in an alibi.

[A]

Coming back to cigarettes. Why are you taking a suitcase? I gotta put some in the car.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What?

[B]

Oh, yeah, they would. I mean, in movies, on stuff all the time.

[A]

And that's what American couples aren't doing. Honest. No, that honest. Compromise. I can never look at you the first two Years and go, anisha, Luca, I'm fucking Jewish. I gotta go over there on a Sunday and eat with them the fucking little Frisbees. And fucking. And fucking and fucking lamb nachos and fucking and with lentils and I gotta eat fucking cauliflower tacos. It ain't for me. Well, what do you mean? They're my parents. That's why they're your parents. You just said it. They're your fucking parents. They don't watch football. They want to watch soccer. You know, I don't want to do that no more. A lot of guys. And she's going to be mad for two days, and then you got to flip it. Go, dog. Do you want to go up and see my mother? Smell her feet while she. No. Then what the fuck are we talking about? Mind your business. You don't have to fucking come everywhere. That's what I'm trying to say, that we have in our fucking minds that they got to be everywhere. We sneeze. And that's what saves a relationship. What's that expression? Loneliness defense.

[B]

Makes the hard growth wander.

[A]

Yeah, that's why you work. I get the out of the house. You go that way, and I go this way. And I'll see you at 6. I don't want to know nothing.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

Yeah, people. There's a lot of people who've gotten, like, divorced or broken up. Because when people started working from home during COVID If you're both working from.

[A]

Home, I gotta put up with your mug every day. And that's what I did during the pandemic. I was like, I'm gonna sit in this back room and we're gonna get a divorce. I might as well become part of this family and mingle. And that's why we worked it out.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know, and that's why I tell people 25 years, don't think it's all fucking cotton candy and I'm blowing a horn and everybody's fucking happy. Oh, I'm sure for the first nine years, first seven years, there was no happiness. I was on coke. And then after that, you know, we evolved. And now I know how to put the pieces together with us. But my wife respects me. And like last night, my wife went out for her birthday.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Yeah. My wife wasn't in the door 10 seconds, and I had my jacket on. Most wives would go, where you going? It's my birthday. My wife was like, what's going on? I go, I've been sitting in this house for four fucking hours. Mercy came down one time, she don't want to eat. I ended up making milkshakes for the both of us. And I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm gone. I didn't get back to a quarter to 12. Then we watched Landman. I got to go. I got to go. And they understand that after a while, I got to go. This has never been me to sit here when we watch tv, my wife watches on the other side and I watch it on my side.

[B]

There's no cuddling.

[A]

No, I'm not into that shit. Holding hand. I went to Rudy's before two lesbians at the bar. And she's got her arm around the other girl. I would insecure you eat the fucking food. Eat the fucking food. I'm looking at. I'm eating my fucking lobster fucking whatever, and I'm looking over at the. The fucking Rhode island clam chowder. I'm like, this fucking guy got a fucked up haircut, and he's kind of chubby around the middle of his shit. And I'm like. Then finally the waitress came, and she goes, great to have you ladies in here. I'm like, lady. And I looked at her. She had her arm around the chick the whole fucking time. She's over there eating. I'm like, I don't need that. There ain't nobody loves them. If you're that love, you don't even need to eat. You just eat each other. Right or wrong. If you're that love, you just eat each other till nothing is left. Do you.

[B]

Do you not like it, Becky? If guys are, like, too clingy or too, like, does that end?

[A]

Becky don't like. Becky don't like shit.

[C]

I don't like shit.

[A]

And Becky doesn't know what she wants. No, if you come up to Becky, run up on Becky, Becky, he'll go, what are you talking about? Like, Becky don't fucking know.

[B]

She knows.

[A]

You could hit on Becky and Becky wouldn't know it. Like, she thinks, like, you're cracking a joke unless you say something to her. Perverted. But I guarantee you, because I grew up with girls like this that they don't even know what you're talking about. Like, they'll look at me at a bar and go, what's this guy talking? I don't know either.

[B]

What is that like being hit on? Is that awesome? I don't know, you know? No, no. Come up to you at a bar and been like, try to buy you a drink. What about people buying you stuff on dates?

[C]

Nobody ever Buy you a drink?

[B]

No, Lee.

[C]

I'll buy you a drink.

[B]

It's not the same. Oh, it's not the same. I went to a gay bar with our buddy Eric and the guy bought me a drink there. And I like that. It feels good. It feels. Oh, that was a fucked up bar. And then, dude, I think I've told this story. Our buddy Eric, he's. He's the best gay guy. He's a door guy at the Comedy Store. Very funny comic. And he brought me to a place called the Bullet. I know you don't like Yelp, but if you look at Yelp, their Yelp page is the best Yelp page. It's a gay bar with like that.

[A]

I'll look at Lee.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

When you say to me 30 seconds. Googled. I googled Rudy's and it didn't get a lot of good fucking reviews. No, I got a lot of reviews. So I'm going to go eat that. No, you don't go eat that. Those are strangers. The strangers. And I don't know about none.

[B]

Oh, my God, they have people. I'm trying to pull it up.

[A]

And that's what you should have done. You should have got a Canaan from Rudy's. That was the ticket right there. Oh, that was the ticket.

[B]

Pasta.

[A]

Don't. Fucking shrimp dog. Forget about it. They had shrimp with coconuts on it and shit. I thought I was Gilligan for a minute. First of all, you're from India.

[B]

You don't like coconut shrimp.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Damn it.

[C]

Yes, you do.

[B]

Everyone likes coconut shrimp.

[A]

You would have had a hundred of those Rudy shrimp at that wedding. Those.

[B]

They don't. They're vegetarians. A lot of it.

[A]

Who gives a.

[B]

That's why we put it over.

[A]

What about the Jews and the white people?

[B]

That's what we had.

[A]

You didn't think of us. That's why John Wayne didn't show. She's like, I know they're gonna up with the Jews.

[B]

We should have Chinese. But let me get cold noodles.

[A]

Like fucking not even hot noodles.

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

It wasn't even lo mein. It was like these cold noodles from Vietnam. That's Vietnamese shit.

[B]

Next time you can put your Unbelievable. Your own order.

[A]

No fucking fool. For white people. Talk about the gay bar cauliflower. Fuck yeah. Cause a gay bar, it was like that cauliflower taco. It tastes like dick.

[B]

We had one. We had. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God, Lee.

[B]

I need to start wearing those fucking meta glasses or a police. I want a Police camera around you because you would come up with all these stories.

[A]

Who would come up with. Who would fucking have lamb, lentil nachos.

[B]

First of all, you know well as me, lamb is good. You eat fucking gyros, so don't.

[A]

I don't eat lamb.

[B]

Well, lamb is delicious.

[A]

I don't eat none of that.

[B]

Lamb is, you know, in front of you.

[A]

I've eaten one gyro. I'm sorry to fuck.

[B]

You talk to.

[A]

I've eaten one gyro in front of you and I didn't eat it. In fact, you took the fucking thing home with you and stunk up the car. I don't eat that.

[B]

You don't take stuff home?

[A]

Not like that.

[B]

You don't take leftovers home, back.

[A]

No.

[B]

Eat them now.

[A]

No.

[B]

Listen, Becky, you're quiet. Say it in the mic because they need to hear. I'm so happy to have someone who's on my team.

[A]

Lamb, lentil tacos.

[B]

Oh, she eats lamb. And she does. No, she got.

[A]

Well, she's Chinese. I don't know.

[C]

I wasn't invited.

[A]

She's Chinese. They grow up on land. They. They eat the pig's head. They eat a lot of shit we don't eat.

[B]

Sorry for getting into this. I didn't.

[A]

Anyway, next time, have more food. Leave me out of this, please.

[B]

There was one Indian table and we see even several.

[A]

One Indian table.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There was 20 tables for them and one for the white people. Yeah. And they were eating hot shrimp. They're over there dancing. We got the cold shrimp with coconut on it and little piece of pineapple. Like I'm at Don Ho's house and shit.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And fucking lamb taco. Soon as they said lamb lento, that's where you raise your hand.

[B]

No one said lentil.

[A]

No, they're not going to be. No, I don't want no lamb in my wedding.

[B]

I like lamb.

[A]

No, no, you don't have.

[B]

You had cumin lamb, Becky. You like. You're here to save me.

[C]

Stop.

[B]

Becky likes s food. Don't start with me.

[A]

Poor Lee. Poor Lee.

[B]

First of all, I eat it.

[A]

I eat lamb when the. Do you eat lamb all the time? Yeah. It's a Cuban food. I see. You eat it. And those shrimp you eat at Rudies. You ever eat lamb with me?

[B]

When do they.

[A]

You eat it with fucking lamb? No.

[B]

Fucking Rudy's and they don't have lamb.

[A]

Fucking lamb nachos. Who approved that shit?

[B]

This guy. And the Indian people.

[A]

Goddamn, you should be shot and hung for that fucking move. Little Four pastrami sliders table. You have four little pastrami sliders to.

[B]

The Indian table to even have an.

[A]

Opinion about this Four fucking little Chinese slab. Four pastrami sliders at the end.

[B]

There were not four. There was a whole trail.

[A]

No, there wasn't. I heard there was four. The Jews counted, Danny.

[B]

You know why? Because Danny Braff, motherfucking Pedro told me Danny Braff took like eight sandwiches, took all the bread off and made one big giant sandwich.

[A]

The kid was starving. There was no food all night. Even that little retard, he's sitting there like, what the fuck am I going to eat? Finally, he was so hungry, people were going to order pizza.

[B]

No, they weren't.

[A]

The table next to me said, we want to order pizza. No, they weren't.

[B]

There was tons of food.

[A]

Yes, they did.

[B]

No, they didn't.

[A]

Danny Bra ate eight sandwiches because he sat there, he looked like one of those black kids in the commercial. He was all sucked out. Like, when are they gonna feed me?

[B]

In 30 minutes. Jesus.

[A]

That meat came around. Everybody looked at it like it scared everybody. Halal meat.

[B]

It wasn't halal meat.

[A]

Yes, it was. I tasted. It was terrible. No, it wasn't. No steak on a stick.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

It was. No steak on a stick, all right?

[B]

It was all palm steak. God damn it. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, that. That was alligator meat. As I chewed it, it was harder than fuck.

[B]

You know what's fucked up is the chef who listens to the podcast. So what's up, buddy?

[A]

It was fucking. It was like one of my fungi toenails I had to keep biting into. We'll be back. We got to take a break. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, if your wallet is stuffed with old cards, it's time to try Ridge. Ridge makes slim modern wallets made with premium materials. You add your own custom features like a cash strap or an ad tag attachment. Ridge's 99 day frisk free tile and a lifetime warranty make this the last wallet you'll ever need. Listen, I love the little Ridge wallet. It fits in your pocket. I got it in my car. No muss, no fuss. You know, just what you need already. Love, Ridge Wallet. Check out Ridge's other travel essentials. Their key cases, suitcases and portable chargers. All top of the line. Now for limited time only, Ridge is having their huge holiday sale. Head over to Ridge.com to get up to 47% off your order. Ridge.com R I D G E I.com this is by far the biggest discount they've given all year. That's ridge.com for up to 47% off your order during their biggest sale of the year. After you purchase, they're going to ask you how you heard about them. Just tell them the church sent you to. Uncle Joey. Happy New Year to all you beautiful people. Hey, Uncle Joey.

[B]

Here.

[A]

Listen, it's that time of the year. It's time to kick back and relax. Jack with in the Cloud. In the Cloud is your online dispensary. Try out their gummies, vapes, pre rolls and edibles. Looking to replace that nightcap? Whoo. Check out in the Cloud's new zero sugar, zero calorie THC sodas. They'll put you in a different dimension. You'll hear Chinese people singing all night. All in the Cloud products are federally legal thc. Everything sold is DEA certified, lab tested and shipped discreetly. Listen, I love in the Cloud. Those little vampire edibles, those 500 milligrams. They'll put you in a world you've never been in. And you better put a lock on the freezer because it's going down. So when it's freezing cold out, light up with some in the cloud. If you're 21 old, visit in the Cloud Co and use code CHURCH for 25% off plus free shipping. That's in the Cloud CO. Code CHURCH for 25% off free shipping. Had a better way to unwind, like Jungle Joey. Enjoy responsibly. And I want to thank in the Cloud for sponsoring our show. We're back. I think we scared Becky with all the wedding talk. I think after today she'll never get married or just have a wedding and get spare ribs. Everybody's happy. You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong.

[B]

We talked about her getting hit on and she's wearing a jacket now.

[C]

Getting colder and colder.

[A]

Dog. Last week I had a weird thing happen and it's been bothering me and I even tried to write a joke about it because that's what you do when something bothers you. But damn, man, I have not felt good. A kid from North Bergen died over the weekend. Rest in peace, John Kelly. Nice kid. He used to bartend at Corky's. We used to throw ice at him when he would turn his back to us and shit.

[B]

Why does everyone who died. You have something terrible you did tonight. He was a nice guy who used to throw ice at him.

[A]

We used to throw ice at him and shit when he turned his back. And, well, we loved him and I love his wife Judy, and. But it's so weird. He was maybe a year older than me or maybe the same age or a year younger. It's so weird when. When you're young. Yeah, every once in a while, somebody dies. But as you start getting older, people start dropping. And you're like, one of my next. Like, you're like, the other day, I'm like, what the.

[C]

He's laughing. George is not.

[A]

Because now, over the weekend, church is.

[C]

Like, over the weekend.

[A]

I lost a very dear friend, and I lost a comedian friend. You know, I just got the text. Yeah, he died. But it's kind of weird how our friend, comic guy. But it's weird how, you know, you go through life, people die. You get a little knock off the thing. But as you get older, which you guys don't understand yet, wait till you get to be, like, 55 and people start dropping that you went to grammar school with a high school with, and you're like, I'm not gonna drink soda no more.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Like, dog, I didn't even eat bacon in Miami.

[B]

No, you're done with bacon.

[A]

Done.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Like, I'm back to my Jew days. Like, no bacon. No bacon, eggs by themselves, yogurt and fruit. That's it. What would you.

[B]

You at 50 would have fucking tortured yourself over this breakfast if I ordered what you just said at breakfast with you ten years ago, you. You would have kicked me out of the table.

[A]

No, I still eat. Listen. Three eggs, sunny side up. That's 21 grams of protein. One piece of toast, right? One piece of toast. Sometimes I cut it in half.

[C]

Whole grain. Are you eating white bread?

[A]

No, I eat whole grain. Okay, But I cut the yolk out. I don't eat the white. I don't weaken my soul with that white.

[C]

That's protein, too.

[A]

No, it's not. Not what's in that.

[B]

Not what's in that sun.

[A]

That sun. You know, we grew the weirdest thing about egg yolks and egg whites is plain and simple. When I went to grammar school, you were raised on potential energy and kinetic energy. Okay? A fucking grass grows. A cow eats the grass, but at the same time, the sun hits the grass that feeds the cow, and the cow gets the sun and eats the grass. So when we kill that motherfucker, he's null and void. All of a sudden, people started going, well, no, we don't eat egg whites. Break it down to me. I don't get it. How people started eating egg whites, and now they're reversing all of them. All the claims that were made about egg whites. They're starting to reverse that. They made a mistake. That's if the egg includes the yolk. So I always liked the yolk. Forget about. Listen, if you told me tomorrow that the yolk was unhealthy and that you're going to die, fuck you. I'm still going to eat the yolk. Because I. For me, I think it's. It's as good as fucking disco. You get a steak from a store. Now turn it around. There's shit in that steak. There is nothing. You got to get like, the fucking fresh farm eggs. Like, we go to a farm to get them. We subscribe. Oh, yeah, you get fucking big motherfuckers. They. They taste. You know, it's like when you go to the Midwest. Get an egg in the Midwest, dog. You put ketchup on a scrambled egg, you got a meal. Did you ever eat an egg in Delaware? It tastes like paper.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Like Walmart. Eggs are terrible.

[A]

Yeah. Like what? Wawai.

[B]

Walmart.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Or like Wawa.

[A]

I don't have no eggs. No, they have powdered eggs.

[B]

But getting it from a farm is cool. Like, have you gotten meat from the farm? Yeah, it's so much better. I never tried.

[A]

I just don't want to invest in that much meat because I don't know, I ate freezing food. No. Yeah.

[B]

You don't want to buy a half a cow.

[A]

Well, that's what you have to do. No, I know. You have to buy a half a cow. They get broke. I looked into it because I ate the meat. The meat was off the chain.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I offered to split a cow with him, and I don't even have the space. Yeah, you don't want 34 steaks, 18 tomahawks, 56 hamburgers. How many hamburgers do I eat?

[B]

We could split a cow.

[C]

Three of us split a cow.

[A]

Yeah, we could split a cow three ways. Yeah, but I don't have that use for that many hamburgers. I make frigatels. I like making chopped beef with eggs. Yeah. Put two egg yolks in that motherfucker. Italian bread crumbs and green onion. A lot of green and white onion.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that has more protein than just a regular hamburger.

[B]

I get you.

[A]

So I'll put 2, 3, 4 fucking eggs in that motherfucker. See, again, when we were kids, you put eggs on everything. Everything. Rocky didn't drink a protein shake.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Raw eggs in the shakes. Fuck.

[A]

So I would make a protein shake with protein powder, milk, egg, you know, wheat, germ. But I'd still throw in three raw eggs. So if you had 30 grams, that's another 21. That's 50 fucking one. No, you don't even taste them. When you put a lot of chocolate, a lot of syrup and shit, you won't taste the egg yolk. I think it was the Chinese have the fucking. Fucking best thing in the world.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Egg drop soup.

[B]

I never liked that.

[A]

Can't beat egg drop soup. How do you make egg drop soup? Hot water in the broth and you throw an egg in and stir it. And that white thing. Oh, the white is delicious. That's the only time I eat the white is in the fucking egg drop soup. That's why I get the egg drop soon.

[C]

Scrambled eggs. No scrambled eggs.

[A]

I will if I want to fill myself up. But if I want to just get bang protein, I'll just do three eggs.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And listen, if you add the bacon, it's not that much more protein. I started eating fucking yogurt in the hospital. It's a probiotic and you don't have to take that extra pill, you know, I'll still take the probiotic, but I eat that because. Fuck, you know, it just. It's. It's like 15 grams of protein for that little cup of yogurt. And then I eat four spoons of Coconut Cult.

[B]

Right?

[A]

In fact, I'm on my last jar. I gotta get some more of that shit.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

It's coconut live probiotic yogurt. It's $9 a fucking thing, but it lasts all week. You only take four teaspoons on an empty stomach.

[B]

Oh, so it's not like a yogurt cup. You're having two kinds of yogurt with breakfast?

[A]

Yeah. So I open up with the. The four teaspoons, right? Then I drink a big glass of water, right? Then I put salt and pepper on the eggs.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. And then I take my medication. First pop that with orange juice. Then I eat the eggs. And then I take the fucking supplements. Yeah, because you mix yogurt with orange juice, that's a tremendous first fart. That comes out at like 9:38, 9:40. When you're walking into the gym and the retards are there, you might as well blast them with a little fucking, you know. Yeah, nobody knows nothing.

[B]

I was gonna say you own probiotic yogurt. Farts are not great.

[A]

They're great. No, it's clean, bro. I've been on this program for, like, since the hospital. So now my stomach Is level.

[B]

Do you still drink orange juice every day?

[A]

I try to drink some type of juice every day.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I just like it.

[B]

I haven't had juice.

[A]

Orange juice has a lot of sugar. Yeah, but I went to Miami last week. I was killing the watermelon juice.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They have it on the street or where was it not?

[A]

This Cuban joint right around, like, two blocks from the hotel.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

And they would put a little mint in that motherfucker. Squeeze it right in front of you.

[B]

How long were you in Miami?

[A]

Four fucking days.

[B]

How many times do you go to this Cuban restaurant?

[A]

I went to Port A Saga twice.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I went to this other place, like, three times, but I didn't eat. I just got the juice.

[B]

Okay. Because I was going to say, I know you like you. Probably I could have. I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me you ate there, like, three times, like, in four days.

[A]

Let me tell you something. The breakfast was the best breakfast I've seen since the Four Seasons in Denver. Okay? Four Seasons in Denver, they don't play. That's the. That's the hotel that's got a coffee machine on each floor. So you get out of your room in the morning. You don't have to go downstairs. Right at the end right there, there's a little table with tea, coffee, Earl Grey tea, and croissants and cookies and a couple egg and cheese sandwiches. So you never have to go downstairs.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

At least I would go back in that room with a fucking. I take two or three espressos with a fucking vapor pen, start writing jokes. You don't go down till like, 10:30. I would get up at fucking 6. I'd be up there. So I'm telling you to fucking the Denver. If you really want to go to a hotel, that Denver, Four Seasons. When you. And trust me, I didn't have the money to go there. Rogan took me. I don't have that type of cash.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's like 2,000 a night. That fucking place. I would walk out and it was right there with little. What's that thing Italian people eat too? Escort a dog. Full fucking boat. But this was. Last week was just as good. Made to order eggs.

[B]

That's always fun at a hotel.

[A]

Made to order eggs. Fucking scrambled eggs. Turkey sausage, fucking bacon, fried chicken with waffles every day. I didn't touch the chicken.

[B]

This is a buffet, not a restaurant. This is a buffet.

[A]

This is the rest of breakfast. VIP breakfast. You go downstairs, they have a different. And then this Is part of you get a special package. Okay, it's $42.

[B]

But you ate that $42 like a motherfucker.

[A]

Mercy. And the other kid didn't eat breakfast. It was just me and my wife.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I would have a coffee upstairs on the fucking. And yeah, I would smoke a joint upstairs and then I would fly down there and I'd fucking finagle my way in. First thing. I'd take two. You should have seen the size of the fucking. That bread you told me about before. 7. Multigrain bread. It was like this.

[C]

Oh, thick. It's fresh baked bread.

[A]

Fresh baked. They had everything. English muffins. While you're there, you throw two pops of bread in the toaster. Now I could navigate. I already have my timing down. The toaster's cooking. I would go right over. They had a fruit tray, black. They had blueberries, raspberries and strawberries. And then like dragon fruit. They had like a fucking section of this shit. And there you go, fucking people taking one strawberry. I almost killed like six motherfuckers. Just put the whole thing in there. Then they had a station of different yogurts, okay? Chia seed pudding, banana yogurt, those yogurt parfaits or Greek yogurt. Yogurt with fucking regular and then just vanilla yogurt. So I would take those raspberries and put them in a dish, squish them like cold oven beanery, that ice cream shit. And I put the yogurt on top of that. Oh, my God.

[B]

Cold stone.

[A]

So I would throw three sunset, three sunny set eggs. I would throw fucking two of those yogurt dishes. And then to finish up a cup of fucking oatmeal. That was delicious. Fuck you and those grits. I don't eat that shit.

[B]

You don't like grits?

[A]

No. Jews don't eat grits either. Knock it off.

[B]

Jalapeno cheddar grits with some shrimp. You don't like that? Okay, but back to the breakfast. That sounds good.

[A]

And they had the other shit that I like, Cream of Wheat.

[B]

Oh, gross.

[A]

Which you never see anymore.

[B]

No, because no one eats it. Cream of Wheat that is. And you don't.

[A]

Dog. If you were to put out your wedding, people would eat it. You understand? If you had Cream of Wheat, people would have said, fuck it, we'll take this shit. Fuck it. I bumped into one of those lentil fucking nachos. Jesus Christ, let me tell you something. And then they had. Oh, dog. They had a section of cold cuts, right? But then they Blew it big time for the Jews. They fucking got, dog. They got.

[B]

They blew it in Miami. That's not good.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Not. They blew it. They blew it up for the.

[B]

Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

[A]

I'm talking to that fucking Brooklyn bagels that were flown overnight.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Because they had them. They go. They come on. They get to the fucking airport and they're here a half hour later.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

They had a lock station where they carved up the locks. Nice. And put it into little circles for the Jews with like a menorah behind it. Come on, Lord. And come on now. Where's nanny at? Where's Netanyahu at? They had the lockers.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

They had something else like that. That shit that Rich Voss likes the pie.

[B]

Oh, pie.

[A]

Remember at the Jew place I took you? I said, we bought some for your mom. It comes in different flavors.

[B]

Kashka. No. Oh, it's like pudding. The noodle pudding.

[A]

No, it's like that. That really men. Quiche. It looked like a Jew quiche.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, crumble, crumble. That. That.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They had some other stuff.

[B]

Let me ask you this about the locks, because I've seen no brown spots and clean body. It was like, stocked well. Because I can imagine Jews like tearing it up when it first comes.

[A]

Dog, dog, dog. As a Jew took one out, an African put one back. One of those Somalians from fucking Minnesota. He pulled one back. You think I'm fucking kidding you, dog. They don't play with the Jews. And that chicken, the fried chicken. The chicken. I was watching the chicken. And who was taking the people getting. Bro. And you know, 10 years ago, I like that shit. Like two waffles with three pieces of fried chicken on that motherfucker and some maple syrup. And then they had the other things for the Jews, the eggs. Not the hard boiled eggs, but the. It's called something. They had those in the hot area. Nah, nah, nah. I did have some fucking. Let me tell you something. I had some. You would go to a hotel and they have the main restaurant, then they have something else. Then they have like that place where you bring your kid. You don't expect much. You go in there and you're like, yeah, chicken finger. I went in there with the girls one day. I wasn't going to eat. I was like, huey, Sasha got a shrimp cocktail and my daughter got something.

[B]

The kid's place had a shrimp cocktail.

[A]

The shrimp cocktails were like this. Damn, this thick, three of them long. I was like, I gotta get a piece of this shit, you know? What? I ended up ordering the fucking deviled eggs. Lee.

[B]

That'S delicious.

[A]

With a little mayonnaise. They had a little mustard. Oh my God. I ate. Now that's. You eat three of those and a cup of yogurt. That's when you go on a plane. That's when you go on JetBlue with no underwear on. And you put a little fucking hole by the asshole. So the heat, it's like a sleep apnea mask. It has that hole for the hot air to exhaust. You eat three hard boiled eggs, right? And you get that cup of yogurt with fruit. And you just go on a JetBlue flight and pick your leg up like this little hole right here. And you'll see the farts come out. You'll see a little smoke, a little fire. And then people fucking. Dude. Pressing the oxygen mask, dude, you're going.

[B]

To get charged with terrorism. They're going to bring you to Guantanamo as a Cuban. If you fucking fart on a plane like that.

[A]

What am I? I'm not even getting on planes no more.

[B]

You get on planes, but you fart on. On planes now. Now I'm the one on the plane.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

Oh my God, dude. But also, did you go to the beach at all? Because I can't imagine eating all this food and then go sitting on the beach.

[A]

No, but dog, that's at night. I would eat at. You gotta remember, guys, I'm a fucking old man. If you ever get up in the middle of the night and you look at the clock, ask yourself, is Uncle Joey awake right now? He probably is awake. Okay? If you get up anytime after 5 in the morning, like I'm one of those idiots that's up at 5. I was walking around in Miami at 6:15. I would put on a hooded sweatshirt and go outside and just stare at the ocean with a cup of coffee. That was my head. In the morning. They're grateful for being here. Grateful for this, grateful for that. And then the wind was so strong. I have to go around, bro. Our balcony wrapped around the building. We had three doors to go out. Like doctors.

[B]

Yeah. That's awesome.

[A]

You wouldn't fucking believe this shit. Like doctors. And they said no to smoke in the rooms, but they had ashtrays outside. They already fucking knew. Yeah. So I was out there in the little corner blowing fucking bones at night, you know. And then I would go in and Terry would wake up and I'd wait for her to do her thing. We shoot down like 7:15. So by night I'm ready To rock. I'm ready to stab a Puerto Rican.

[B]

And, like, this is something that I've kind of changed because I know you usually don't like vacations.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, like now.

[A]

I wasn't lying to you this year about your wedding. If you wouldn't have got married on the 27th, we would have left on the 26th.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, because we wanted to get bugged. I'm done.

[B]

I don't blame you.

[A]

You know me a long time. You just told these people I used to work all the fucking. Listen, I don't give a fuck about anything. I'm one of those people. Honest to God, at the end of the day, I had no decision but to become successful at something. Because I didn't find what most people find entertaining. Entertaining is when you have money in the bank. That's entertainment. When you could fucking go to sleep and go, I'm covered for the next two fucking months. I don't have to suck nobody's dick. I don't have to do shit. Okay? And that's the point of it. You saw me. We didn't take no Christmas Day off. No, we didn't do shit. I was back on the road the day after Christmas, the 26th. We did a gig if we had a venue. But if not, that weekend, I'm on the road. My wife's birthday's the 28th. Did I give a fuck? No, because we gotta eat. I could say happy birthday for what we gotta eat. So now I'd like to do something for four days. I don't need to go away for seven days. Look, guys, as nice as Miami was, I couldn't wait for Wednesday to come. That's crazy, because there's no place like home.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

At the end of the week, yeah, you like it. The hotel, the food. But let me tell you something. That fucking place I was telling you about, I had a prime rib sandwich in there. Yeah, not since Houston's. I don't know if anybody ever went to Houston's. They used to have the steak sandwich in Houston's for 20 bucks. I'm talking 30 years ago. It was 20 bucks. You complain you went in there and go, 20 bucks for a steak until you bit that motherfucker and you're like, oh, shit. I would drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica, right? With $30. Just enough. If I had a dollar over $30, I would shoot to Santa Monica, to Houston's. That was my big fucking freak when I lived in la. Cause I loved that. But this prime rib Sandwich was second to it.

[B]

How was the. Like, I'm glad you had a fun. And the food was good, but, like, it sounds like your favorite parts were the food. How was, like, the rest of Miami.

[A]

The rest of Miami. Let me tell you something. Sunday we got there, we didn't do shit. Went to eat Cuban food, went to Collins Avenue, walked around, saw cars, you know, a bunch of fucking. Listen, I love music. I love all types of music. But that ragatoni music, that Spanish rap.

[B]

Ragatoni, it is the worst thing ragatoni sounds like it.

[A]

They have ever made in my life. And when I got there Saturday, I called Nick right away and I go, nick, we made a mistake. We're at the wrong place. You know, I was watching what was going on. And they play that music that you can't dance to. You could just do this to. What the fuck is this? Yeah, what the fuck is this? Now you know, it's garbage. So that's what I did the first night, okay? And then Sunday morning, I got up breakfast and went right to the fucking beach. They hooked me up with like a fucking little bed, two chairs, a bucket of ice, fruit, the whole thing. Fucking great. Guy comes over. You gonna come tomorrow, Joe? Fuck yeah. I'll be here nice and early. We cash out of the drinks, we walk up, guy goes, you wanna come tomorrow, right? Yeah. What time you wanna come here? I go, I don't know, you know, maybe 10. He goes, all right. He goes, listen, we comped you today, but tomorrow's going to be 450.

[B]

It's worth it.

[A]

$450.

[C]

$450.

[A]

Go on the beach.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Seaside, you know.

[B]

I thought so.

[A]

You didn't do it? Not the next day, but it was windy. Anyway, he goes, we'll do it for 350 if you come, okay? You know, three fucking 50. Two chairs, a little bed, right? But when they come out with a drill and they ain't around.

[B]

That's what I was gonna say earlier. Like. And I. Because I do get it. I don't have. I don't make a ton of money, but, like, I would rather go on one vacation a year or one vacation, but even just. But go to a nicer place and spend. Because how great was it to go to the beach and not have to be in the. In the sand? You have a nice comfortable thing, have a server come over. That sounds awesome.

[A]

You missed it. See, you're never around. When that good stuff happened, I didn't.

[B]

Invite me to Miami. Motherfucker get to my wedding in neighborhood.

[A]

I skipped my wedding. You dumb motherfuckers are never around when the good thing happens. The only person who witnessed these things is my wife. And that's why she thinks I'm a fucking idiot. Because I'm at the beach doing my thing. You know what I'm saying? I got my SPF number eight on. I got my feet in the toes this year. My toes in the water. You know, I'm not supposed to go on the beach with this knee.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

As it sinks into the sand. Yeah, it's all fucked up now, but I didn't give a fuck. Because if you go to Seaside or one of these beaches around here, I gotta walk across the street. Bring the chair. Then you get to the beach, and now it's another thousand miles. You gotta walk. This was dog. This was downstairs. There was a little walk for people to jog. Yeah, they go this way. And you're on the beach and how's the sand?

[B]

Probably smooth, smooth.

[A]

15Ft. They had everything set up. I went right down to the water. The girls, like, it's still cold, Dad. I put my foot on like, it's a little cold, but it ain't Jersey.

[B]

No, it's not Jersey.

[A]

And I kept walking in. Yeah, walking in. And I went up to my fucking waist.

[B]

That's the worst part.

[A]

And next thing you know, a fucking wave knocked me over. You guys would never laugh that hard. Because I was laughing so hard, I pissed myself. Listen to me. No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

All the way down.

[A]

I tell you the truth, guys. When I fucked up, I tell you the truth. We're not all fucking geniuses here, but you missed it. Even my wife was like, that was tremendous. She goes, what happened? Why'd you just stand there? I go, because I couldn't fucking breathe. I was just peeing. Kids were walking. I was just peeing through my bikini right on the sand. I didn't take my dick out. I didn't give a fuck, Jack. I had one of those breathing fits that I have here with the stairs where I just got to start peeing. And I just got out of the water and I just started peeing. I couldn't even keep it together. I was breathing so hard. And all of a sudden the pee just started dripping down my leg. And I thought about going back into the ocean. I go, fuck it. Let the pee on my leg. At this point, I don't give a fuck. I dried it off with a towel. I got knocked over this way. All Right? Oh, you went backwards like a chubby, fat dude. I'm going like this right now. When the water brought me down, I'm up to my here. And I pop my head up. And all of a sudden a fucking another wave hits me back, right? And now I'm floating like a fat fuck again. But this time I flip over and I land on my hands and knees.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And I'm like, perfect. Now I can get up just in.

[B]

Time for another one.

[A]

Oh, my God. Every time I put my foot down and go to get up, the wave would hit me again and I go backwards. This happened about four or five times. Then it took me three or four times just to get up to both feet.

[B]

Did the lifeguards come out?

[A]

No, no, the lifeguards didn't even see it. And I got up, and finally I'm like. I can't even breathe. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I didn't have my inhaler. And I'm looking at Terry. Terry's, like, looking at me. And I turn around and I make believe I'm looking at the ocean. I'm just breathing for my life. And also I'm like, fuck, I gotta go back in the water. I gotta pee. I'm like, fuck that. And when I was in the. But the funniest thing, when I was in the ocean and I finally turned around and looked up, there was a kid on, like, a little sled board. He was laughing his ass off at me. I'm like, you little motherfucker.

[B]

Dude, I can't. I'm glad you're okay now that you're okay. It's the. The best thing that's ever happened to me. I guarantee that that nice resort has cameras on the beach. I would pay. I would give every cent that I made at that wedding for that video. I would. That is.

[A]

Ah, so you lied. You didn't make money at the wedding that said cocksucker. He gave us. And you gave us laugh nachos.

[B]

No, I didn't make money. I.

[A]

Anyway, don't matter.

[C]

Is that why people get married? So you make some money?

[A]

It's an investment in your future?

[B]

Well, it's easy. I invited a bunch of money.

[A]

But I didn't. They don't give you a shit.

[B]

I spent a lot more money than I did.

[A]

What does I say to you? But it was a couple years ago. I'm in Pacific beach with my wife. Mercy's four, maybe three, and there's nobody on the beach. It's early in the Morning. We're losers. We had to get out of the house by 8 in those days. We get down. It's like 9:15. Nobody's on the beach. And I decide to walk the beach. And I walk the beach. On the way back. Nobody's on the beach. I'm looking at Terry, maybe 60 yards from Terry. Hey. And her and Mercy are, like, waving. I'm walking towards them, but I'm still on the beach where the water comes. It's hitting my feet and dog. A wave came, but it had a rock, a boulder in it, and it hit me right here. To this day, there's a dent where it hit me. I just went down. Boom. And I just laid there. My wife's like, are you okay? I couldn't even breathe from the pain. The thing dented my shin. I'm lucky it didn't break it. There's still, like, brown spot there. If you look at it, like, that happens. And my wife was laughing her ass off.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I could see it going like, there's a thousand rocks. And that one hits you, and that one hit you. I mean, it was a rock.

[B]

Dude. You might be, like, bad luck at the beach. I've never. You've had so many. How many? Like, have you ever got stung by a jellyfish?

[A]

When I was a kid, I almost drowned in Coney Island.

[B]

I don't think you should go. I think you shouldn't go in the water.

[A]

When I was five, I almost drowned in Coney Island. And when I was drowning, the undercurrent had me. I'll never feel. You never heard me talk about Coney island again, have you?

[B]

No.

[A]

All these people go to Coney Island. There's a reason I don't go to Coney Island.

[B]

How did you.

[A]

Because in 1968, I was swimming in Coney island and Don. The current took me. My mom kept saying, stay up here. Stay up here. And I kept getting sucked back. And as the undercurrent took me, I'm pedaling my little faggy feet and I look up and there's a piece of shit floating in the ocean. I'm like, oh, no. If I get out of this water, I'm never coming here again. I never went back to Coney island ever again. A fucking piece. And I wasn't prepared for that.

[B]

No one.

[A]

Like, it's not like you watched it on NBC News or nothing. A piece of shit. I remember ran out.

[B]

Was just like. Like a full, like, log was just floating next to you.

[A]

Just a little. Somebody just took Their pants off and took a shit in the ocean, dog.

[B]

I didn't even know there was a beach at Coney Island.

[A]

Yeah, that's what it is. It's the worst beach ever.

[B]

I mean, so it was just a homeless guy just shit in the water? Pretty much.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know, Lee. 1968. Do you not? That's 32 and 25. That's the last time I was in Coney Island.

[B]

32 and 20.

[A]

50. Yeah. 57 years.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

How are you a Jew? I got the only 10 million Jews. I got a Jew that can't do math and can't put a wedding menu together.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Someone. I know there's cops who watch this. I know there's New York cops who watch this. Get me a body camera, please. I swear to God. Oh, my God.

[A]

Why you tape. I didn't eat. I didn't eat those lamb tacos.

[B]

Yeah, but I want to show the rest of the goddamn food. Of the goddamn.

[A]

And, bro, the food was not bueno.

[B]

First of all, wedding food is never fantastic. And it actually was pretty good. I did go to a tasting that was awesome.

[A]

No, no, they had an Alka Seltzer table.

[B]

They did have it. You know what? Jews brought acid.

[A]

We brought it.

[B]

We still. We brought some.

[A]

The Jews brought the antacid, the everything. I saw your cousin spraying cologne on people. He did like, on the sludge.

[B]

That was the Italian guy.

[A]

Poorly. We gotta rib you around. The wedding. It was a great wedding. I had fun wedding. Did you see. Did you see the picture I posted today on my stories?

[B]

The one I posted? Yeah.

[C]

That was cute.

[B]

Yeah, that was a fun one.

[A]

Any other stories on my thing today?

[B]

No. I appreciate it, dude. Thank you.

[A]

It was a beautiful wedding. And that picture, if you look at it, unless you're a fucking cunt or a miserable person, That's a beautiful picture of Lee and his wife. I see him crying under the veil of tears. Look at him. He's like. Look at him. He's saying, tear up the. He's laughing, going, look at that picture. He's saying, these assholes ate the food. But my wife posted it. Mercy posted it.

[B]

Oh, that's so nice.

[A]

Nick posted it. It's a beautiful fucking picture, Lee. So it was a great. Lee, we're busting you. I mean, the food was garbage.

[B]

Fair enough.

[A]

We're busting your ball. The place was nice.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

The reception was short, which was fucking really helpful.

[B]

Yeah, that was.

[A]

We had a great time. We Were cracking jokes in the back.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We were saying that we.

[B]

Cushions with our faces on it.

[A]

Oh, my God. But I saw the whoopee cushion. I thought somebody was trying to play a trick on me. Now everybody moved them. So I'm sitting there and I'm watching you guys, and there's a Hindu woman behind me that was banging.

[B]

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of them.

[A]

There was like three or four Hindus there that were banging that little vegan monkey.

[B]

My wife, she.

[A]

I mean, they were banging. There was an older one behind me, like 51. Very sweet, very nice family. Very sweet, very nice. She even touched me. So I kept checking her out. Like, why is she touching me? And I went to move my foot and I heard, like. And not only that, you got cheap puffy cushions. You even get the dollar ones. You got the 25 cent ones.

[B]

No, they weren't fucking 25. It's a lot easy to find a place to get custom whoopee cushions. That was fun. You know what was fun? Speaking of Danny Braff, that asshole. Because I'm used to comedy, I turned my phone to airplane mode. Like when I was going to read my vows. As soon as I turned my phone back on when I was reading my vows, Danny Braff texted me gay. If I had gotten that as I was reading my vows, I would have killed him.

[A]

I saw him texting you or something.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

[A]

But you know, man, even though I was in the hospital four weeks this year, my fucking tooth broke. I swallowed the bridge. You know, I had a lot of problems this year. 2025 was still a great year, guys. And I know that the other night was the highlight of your 2025. I know that, you know, 2025 was good. I got to meet Becky. We got to take Becky with us on the road to give us a little balance. Becky was quiet tonight. She's just absorbing everything, taking it in. She's taking it in, but she's very, very funny.

[B]

It's been fun working.

[A]

No, because, like, it's been inspiring. Because it's looking at comedy from a different perspective, Right? I'm hanging out with guys that have been doing comedy for 30 years. You see their specials. They don't offer you nothing new. You see this shit? We have nothing new to offer you. At least with Becky, we're looking at her develop. It's inspiring. Ask her. I'll hit her up every night. Where you going tonight? Not that I could go. Not that I could meet her, but.

[B]

And then Beck where the fuck are.

[A]

You going tonight, Beck?

[B]

Cause I know it does for me, like, knowing that Joey's gonna ask me that. I'm like, oh, I gotta have some.

[C]

I gotta go somewhere tonight.

[A]

I don't want you guys to ever think. You know, I lived in LA for so long and I saw people that complained. I never saw so many artists. They're not artists. When you fucking complain constantly about this and this and that. It's always nice to do comedy with people who are looking at it. Not from, like, when I walk into a theater. I've done a theater 80,000 fucking times. You know what I'm saying? I know this guy. I've known him for 25 fucking years. But when Becky walks in, look at her. Look how she looks at the place. We went to the Improv. I saw you looking at it like, this is like a church.

[C]

I was excited.

[A]

Yeah, that's what we've forgotten. So every once in a while you gotta number two. I like having a woman on my show. And I know there's a lot of guys that are mad that you want to take me on the road. The problem is I can't serve people three orders of dick, you know? You cannot serve a person three orders of dick because a lot of people come to my shows, their wives or girlfriends buy them the ticket. They don't like me, but they go to the show. He loves you, so we bought him a ticket. I want them to have somebody, right? And you know, Becky, this is what you're doing here. This is what basically you're doing here. You're here tonight because we just wanted. We wanted to bring more. Tonight you were overwhelmed with old people, problems, marriages, shit that doesn't. Becky is like.

[B]

She's fun on the road. You know what she likes to eat, which is, you fit in. You fit right in. You're not like. Yeah, you know.

[A]

Well, that was the thing. If she would have ever complained, she wouldn't be here right now, like, if she started with the fucking. Why are you eating this? This has fucking chemicals in it. Why eating this or something. But she ate. She's a trooper. My daughter told me that the steak you guys got in Maryland was the best steak she ever had. She goes, I was going to tell Becky I wanted the whole thing, but.

[C]

I felt bad, you know, that was a good state.

[A]

Yeah. Daughter still talk? Because I was the best take I've ever had.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But that's what this is about. It's not about. You talk to a guy my age. That does Comedy, you're not going to, you know, it's boring, right? My views are completely different. I'm looking at how she's looking at it, is the way I used to look at it. Where. Hey, we're having an orgy tonight. Great.

[B]

That's what comedy is.

[A]

Hey, my mother's birthday's tonight. You're coming by, Send her a hug. That's what you know. When you're in these first 10 years, 11, 12 years, you don't stop till somebody acknowledges you. Not that you're gonna be on Fucking Kill Tony or you're gonna be on the Rogan podcast or you're gonna be on the Tonight show till somebody goes, hey, man, I've been watching you. I like your stuff. And I think I wanna manage you or be your agent or put you in my club, whatever. And then you're starting to get places. And now, and even then, I turn the heat on even more. Like once I got to la, like everything I did before LA was hard, but once I got to la, now I'm in the major leagues. I'm not a major league guy. I'm a Triple A guy, but they put me in the major leagues. So I'm gonna shut my fucking mouth and I'm like, I'm gonna act like a major leaguer. That's it. I'm not a major leaguer. I'm not. By no means I'm lucky. I got 12 minutes and that's if I improvise, you know what I'm saying? But they put me in this position, so now I have to act like it. So that doubled my hunger. We were talking about Rest in Peace, Jeff Garbage, Jeff Garcia. That's all we knew. I knew the Comedy Store and Jeff Garcia, Felipe Sparza, Willie Barcena and Edwin San Juan. Those guys had 20 rooms from eight to 10. From eight to 10, they had 20 rooms Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. In fact, they did that room two weeks ago. George called me, it was sold out. The one by the Chinese poker room that they don't let white people in. You ever go out there with us?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Club something. Fucking dog.

[B]

The one with the tacos in front.

[A]

Perfect. This is a different one. Everyone, this. It started at 10, okay? And it's. It's got a donut shop, Blockbuster. Well, at that time I knew the Chicken, the Blockbuster. And they have a Chinese restaurant.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Ready for this? The Chinese restaurant got cars all around it. 11 o', clock, 12 o' clock at night, the drive thru one, cars parked.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All around. One waiter sitting inside by himself all night. And we would walk in, they want us some pork fried rice. Were closed. You could hear them. They were gambling.

[B]

Oh, shit, they were gambling.

[A]

It was a Chinese gambling club. And then the comedy was in there. Fuck. George Perez just did it three weeks ago. He said, I want to do a comedy. Like. He goes, I had nothing better to do on a Monday, sold out, 10 o' clock show.

[B]

Good for him.

[A]

And they used to put like. The owner would put out like wings and you know, like that type of food, like fast food for us. The bartender was cool. They had a karaoke thing. It was like he gave everybody 50 bucks on a Monday night. You got home at 1. Monday nights was always a late night.

[B]

Back then, that's fine.

[A]

But all those rooms, man, I cut my teeth on those, you know, I told you when I moved to LA, I went from doing 30 sets a month in Seattle or 24 to 40, 50 sets a month in LA. And I had a girlfriend and she hit me with that shit too. My family's coming to town, they want to take you to dinner. Send them my love. And I still talk to her. She goes, that's why we didn't work out, because you used to always be busy. We're in California. We're not in fucking Michigan. We're not in Austin, we're not anywhere. We're in the real big leagues. Well, not anymore. I don't even know what's going on in California. They're predicting that the lots are all going to be real estate in five years. Well.

[B]

Oh, the studio lots. Yeah, probably. They shoot everywhere else. They don't need to be in L. A anymore.

[A]

I mean, listen, man, an American tradition, since I was a fucking kid. He'll vouch he's my age. When was there never a fucking Christmas movie, George. Fucking Christmas. You ate whatever, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, you went somewhere and at seven o' clock you were on the phone. Listen, we're gonna go to movies, pick up a bottle of Black Baron BlackBerry, pick up three hits of acid. Everybody went to the movies in this country, right? The movies were packed Christmas day.

[B]

With Jews?

[A]

No, with everybody. Biggest movies they did have. Yeah, Catholics, everybody. Lee, you're in the house since fucking Thursday afternoon with the same old people hearing the same stories, singing jingle bell songs. Friday, you're in the same people eating leftovers of different food. What, somebody else's house? When the cousins got together, kids that were like in high school, gone, gone. No matter what nationality were, you went to the Movies. And you saw God's Father 3. Pulp Fiction came out on Christmas Day, I think. I think one of those movies came out Die Hard because I went to see him on Christmas Day. Yeah, that was an American fucking tradition. Name one movie that came out this weekend.

[B]

They have that stand up movie, I think. I don't know if that came out.

[A]

That didn't come out yet.

[B]

Oh, it didn't know.

[A]

But I'm talking about a movie that.

[B]

Not a big one. Not a blockbuster.

[A]

No, but I'm talking about a movie that everybody goes to see. Not Beverly Hills Cop or one of those was a Bl. Trading Places could have been a Christmas Day movie.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Really? I'll tell you what the most famous Christmas Day movie was. What is it? What is the biggest Christmas Day release of all time?

[B]

Let me say. I think you're going to tell me like.

[A]

And it's wrong. The way I phrased it is wrong.

[B]

Maybe Scarface.

[A]

I don't know what Scarface came out Christmas Day 1983. Bombed. Bombed.

[B]

Yeah. It's not a family movie. I bet family movies do.

[A]

You could put it on YouTube. You could go on YouTube right now and look for Scarface. Premiere Christmas Eve in New York City and people walking out one by one, walking out one by one going, what the fuck?

[B]

That's a. That movie on Christmas. Christmas. You want a movie with like, you know, happy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You want home alone? You want to take grandma? You want grandma.

[B]

Someone getting chain cut up with a chainsaw. That's fucked up.

[A]

That's fucked up on Christmas Day. And like think about it.

[B]

I even expected and don't like it.

[A]

But we didn't even get a Scarface this year. I would have got to see somebody get caught up this year for Christmas, right? Fucking shooting bullets, you know nothing. We got nothing. And this is the new fucking America that we're living. Netflix is buying everything. That means like I said in three years which this whole landscape is going to change of theaters. And I kind of like, you know, it's. There's no money. But to break even if we all three of us chipped in and bought a theater in New.

[B]

I'd love to do that.

[A]

There's no money. We have to rent those movies and they charge you an arm and a.

[B]

Leg for not the cheap ones. Go do like a dollar movie theater or do like a no New Beverly.

[A]

But even if we where we get in those movies for that fucking cheap.

[B]

They have some deal. They charge you like was like old run movies. Second one. Whatever it's called. But like, let me ask. Because you're here, Becky. You're like the young correspondent. You're like, did 27 year olds go to movies? Like, what do you do?

[C]

I just sit at home.

[B]

You know, what do your friends do?

[C]

They're sitting at home.

[B]

Really? So people just like, little. Like, I'm not. Why am I gonna go pay to watch this?

[C]

Yeah, everybody's just on their phone scrolling. Look at him right now.

[A]

Look at him. Yeah, he won't get off the phone. He could have a football game on and be watching something else, like, into it, Mike.

[B]

Yeah, no, you're right.

[A]

You're right. You know, like I said, the video is the future. When I was 18, 19, 25, 30, right? You went to a club, you ate a Quaalude or you had a couple drinks in you. You grinded with a girl. You grinded with a. You know, clothes came off, a T shirt. Some guy with no shirt on, with a lot of muscles. Now they just doing. This is it.

[B]

See, he thinks it looks cool. He kept saying, look cool.

[A]

Let me go. Let me get a. Let me get your Instagram. I'll hit you up later tonight. I'll pull up. Pull up. What are you talking about?

[B]

Do you find mercy talking like this? Like, does Mercy laugh At like, 6, 7? I don't even know what it means, but I just know people do it now.

[A]

What.

[B]

What does it mean, Becky, when people go six, seven?

[C]

I don't know, but she's.

[B]

I have. Okay. It just means nothing. But she doesn't do any of that stuff at your house.

[C]

Yeah, okay. I think that's what it is. I've heard it just means nothing.

[A]

She knows it won't fly.

[C]

Yeah, not you.

[A]

My daughter. I'm sorry.

[C]

Yeah, no, no, no. I just.

[A]

Oh, this. Whatever this means.

[B]

Right?

[A]

But it's a different. You know, it's a different thing. So what are you gonna do? To roll with the punches.

[B]

But, yeah, she knows. She knows. Like, what would you do if she started talking to you like that?

[A]

I'll have a fucking heart attack. I have a fucking heart attack. Because, you know, later on she could do whatever the fuck she wants. Not when she's in my house talking like fucking Sambo Joe. I don't need that shit, you know? Yo, yo, yo, yo. I'm gonna pull up. Not in my fucking house. You live in Marlboro. What are you. You know, where the. Are you gonna pull up with your bike? You know, what the Are these people talking about? I don't Know what they're talking about?

[B]

No. I feel so old.

[A]

Like I had asked somebody the other day. I've heard this expression before. But last week I put a video up from Miami, dog. I put millions of videos up. When I tell you, I looked at my phone at one point and it had 130 mentions, and it was the same video and people were putting on it, my hero. No Cap. No Cap. And I'm like, what the fuck is no Cap? And I asked one of the young guys, he goes, that means you're not lying? Is that what that means? No Cap.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like it either.

[A]

I don't know what it means. I'm a fucking old man, right? This is what I'm saying to you. Who the fuck knows anymore what's hip and what's not fucking hip? I just know that you serve lamb and lentil fucking tacos at your fucking wedding.

[B]

Nachos. God damn it.

[A]

We're all gonna be at the Dojo Comedy January 1st. Except Lee. We're all going to be there. Sam, Tripoli, Florentine, Rich Voss, we got. He sent me something today. Staten island, the 31st at the St. George Theater. And we've also got.

[B]

We have Tampa in March. We have.

[A]

No, no, we're just talking about January. Why confuse these poor white people? January 22, 8 o', clock, the dojo. Bucket of chaos. January 1, 8 o', clock, Sam, Tripoli. And January 30, we're at St. George Theater in Staten Island. Becky will be with me. Lee will be with me. I don't know what Lee's got this week. He told me he's going to go into Jimmy Kimmel and do a guest spot.

[B]

I didn't say that.

[C]

Can I come?

[B]

I'm going to be in Vegas if you want to come. I'm going to try to get a set. Make sure you follow me. On January 5th, I'm at the Comedy Shop. Is my next spot in the city.

[A]

Where you at, Becky?

[C]

I got a couple of spots in Jersey. Just like little spots.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

January 8th, I'm in the Garden. Yep, that's right. Correct.

[A]

It don't fucking matter. Guys, thank you for a very good year. I love you. To all my heart from all three of us, Nikki, Uncle George, all of us, thank you for supporting us and having our back. Have a happy new Year. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, getting old hits hard, but you fight it with Bub's Naturals. Bub's Natural Collagen Peptides. Help you turn the clock back and restore collagen levels to what your body had in its youth. This collagen powder has zero sugars, sweeteners or fillers. It dissolves in any liquid without taste of clump. Third party lab tested. NSF certified, Whole 30 approved. This stuff is clean, trustworthy and sustainably sourced. Listen, I put in a couple protein shakes. Let's see what happens. Couple weeks, I might look like bella figura over here. And everybody will jump on the Bub's Naturals. Listen, Bub's Naturals just doesn't make the best collagen peptides in the world. They have electrolyte supplements, MCT oil, creamer and more. Live Better, longer. For a limited time, Church listeners are getting 20% off Bubsnaturals by using Code Church at checkout. C H U R C H. So just head to Bubsnaturals.com b u b s naturals.com use code church c h u R C H and you're all set. After your purchase, they'll ask you how you heard about them. Tell them that the church pointed you that direction. All right? Happy New Year to everybody.