Joey Diaz doses Jim Florentine's friends and tortures Lee Syatt

Summary

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The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Joey Diaz Doses Jim Florentine’s Friends and Tortures Lee Syatt

Release Date: October 28, 2025

Host: Joey "Coco" Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Guest: Jim Florentine

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and irreverent episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by comedian Jim Florentine for a raucous exploration of East Coast living, food, family, Halloween costumes, suburban vs. city life, wild football Sundays, childhood misadventures, and the darkly funny side of growing up in Jersey. The conversation bounces from memorable edible mishaps and wedding planning nightmares to deeply personal stories of neighborhood characters and uncomfortable brushes with the weirdos of their youth. Laced throughout: Joey’s raw comedic wisdom about quality of life, friendship, and the value of keeping your circle real.

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Major Discussion Topics & Timestamps

1. Food, Philly vs. Texas, and Halloween (00:00–09:57)

• The crew debates the merits of Philadelphia as the top food city vs. places like Houston.
• Joey reminisces about family-friendly Halloween parties, elaborate costumes gone wrong, and the downsides of commercial chocolate these days.
• Standout Quote (Joey, 01:25):
  “This is my favorite city…just go down there and say whatever the fuck I want. I know nobody’s gonna say a fucking word…get the fuck outta here. This will always be Philly.”

Memorable Moments:

• Joey’s botched Big Bad Wolf costume story (04:33–05:11).
• The candy taste test debate between big bags and minis (05:29–06:07).

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2. Candy Addictions, Edible Mishaps, and Parenting (09:57–23:25)

• Joey and Lee swap stories about childhood candy obsessions and adult rock bottoms—falling asleep with chocolate, eating stale Halloween deals, and Joey’s legendary edible binges.
• Joey describes his disaster making Jiffy Pop high on 1500 mg of edibles, burning popcorn, and hiding the evidence from his wife.
• Joey (15:13):
  “He fell asleep on the chocolate and it melted all over his bed. I’m like, wow.”
• Lee (15:13):
  “And then I ate it when I woke up.”

Memorable Moments:

• The “Jiffy Pop inferno” scene (20:01–21:40).

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3. Comedy Roots, Moving Back East, and Raising Kids (26:15–34:48)

• Jim and Joey trade stories about living cheap in Jersey as young comics and the gentrification of old stomping grounds.
• Why Joey chose Jersey over Texas during the LA exodus and how Jim helped him buy a house in 10 days.
• Raising a kid in a real neighborhood vs. the weird social life of LA:
  • “It comes down to this: Quality of life for your child.” (Joey, 31:40)
• Balancing community, work, and giving your kid a real upbringing.

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4. Suburbs vs. City—The Big Parenting Debate (37:00–43:54)

• Lee voices a desire to raise a kid in New York City; Joey and Jim break down fantasy vs. reality, high costs, and why the suburbs offer a better environment.
• Joey (40:14):
  “Guess what, Lee?...I’m moving to Manhattan.” [Joking about only if he had $200 million.]
• Jim (41:06):
  “I don’t want to drive around with spray paint in my car looking for a spot at night anymore.”
• The consensus: city life is great for the single or young, but at some point, peace (and schools) wins out.

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5. Edible Pranks, Football Sundays & Real Friendship (63:31–97:13)

• Joey and Jim detail the rowdy, authentic tradition of Florentine’s Sunday football parties—old friends, heaps of junk food, and no Hollywood phoniness.
• Joey’s notorious habit of dosing Jim’s guests and prank-torturing partygoers with edibles:
  • Jim (64:22):
    “He just laid down. He didn’t move for like…he was down for like seven hours.”
  • Joey (64:35):
    “And there was one guy kept putting those ABX tablets in his soda and his beer…like 10 of them.”
• Joey reflects on the difference between these “real” gatherings and the calculated, self-promotional Hollywood parties of LA.

Standout Insight:

• The unique loyalty and shared history of Jersey friends—“These guys have known each other since they were six or seven.” (Joey, 87:09)

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6. The Dark Side of Neighborhoods: Childhood Stories (98:38–112:11)

• Jim shares a darkly comedic story about almost being molested by a creepy wrestling photographer as a teen—told with sharp, raw humor.
• Joey recounts oddball characters from his own childhood, blending shock with the cultural realities of the 1970s—and how “the neighborhood” usually kept kids safe from real harm.
• Jim (102:28):
  “He goes, I’m showing you a magic trick…I went and told my brothers…they hit him over the head with the Star Ledger and sent him on a bus back to New York.”
• Lee (111:54):
  “That’s a fucked up episode. What do you mean he didn’t do nothing? He grabbed your dick.”

Memorable Moment:

• Both Joey and Jim ultimately reflect with resilience—“You know, I talk to all these victims, and…I’m very grateful.” (Joey, 109:57)

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7. Wrapping Up—Comedy, Simplicity, and Looking Forward (115:06–end)

• Jim talks about loving the simple life now, keeping out of Hollywood drama, and just being happy raising his son and working.
• All three discuss upcoming shows (dojo, Boca, DC) and the joy of just “riding it out”—uncomplicated, unfiltered, and real.
• Jim (116:01):
  “I’m done…Just ride it out.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Philly’s Brashness:
  Joey Diaz (01:25):
  “This is my favorite city to go…If you have Americans at your show, they’re gonna leave insulted. But the good thing about Philly is as they leave, people clap. Get the fuck out…That’s why they’ll never be whatever the word is. They’re woke—they’ll never be that.”

• On Halloween in Philly:
  Joey (02:16):
  “We didn’t even go into the stadium and there was already a dick and balls on the wall. She goes, dad, look. Yeah, welcome to Philadelphia.”

• On Eating Candy as Coping:
  Lee (14:54):
  “Candy is my rock bottom.”

• On Moving Back to Jersey:
  Joey (31:25):
  “There’s times I go in the garage and get high and I come back up and I sit there and I go, when is a car—when is a car gonna pass by?…It’ll be 15, 20 minutes…”

• On Quality of Life:
  Joey (40:14):
  “The most important word…is the word ‘quality of life.’ How are you really living?”

• On Football Sundays:
  Jim (67:33):
  “I haven’t seen [guys] like that in 50 years. All those guys are dead. Raw.”

• On Childhood “Street Smarts”:
  Joey (112:13):
  “I thought about it…I never forget going home and going: Should I say something? In those days, if I said something, that would make my mom put more security on me…that works against you.”

• Summing Up the Life Philosophy:
  Jim (116:01):
  “I went through it. I already went through all that chaos…I’m done. Just ride it out.”

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Key Episode Themes

• Food & Culture: The deep connections between cities, food, and working-class roots.
• The Irreverence of True Friendship: Raw, relentless ball-busting is a sign of love.
• Quality of Life vs. Chasing Dreams: Deciding what really matters with age and family.
• Comedy Roots and East Coast Grit: A comedic upbringing shaped by Jersey chaos and loyalty.
• Growing Up in the 1970s: Honest, often uncomfortable stories about navigating real life as kids.
• Parenting Today: Striving to give kids a better, wiser quality of community than LA or NYC glitz.

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Suggested Listen-Together Segments

• Philly Food and Comedy Appreciation: (00:00–05:11)
• The Jiffy Pop & Edible Meltdown: (20:01–22:12)
• Moving for Quality of Life (Joey & Jim): (26:15–34:48)
• Football Sundays and Old-Fashioned Friendship: (63:31–97:13)
• Childhood “Stranger Danger” Stories: (98:38–112:11)

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Tone & Style Snapshot

The episode is unfiltered, wildly irreverent, layered with tough-guy warmth and plenty of explicit language. Joey’s storytelling is equal parts gruff, hilarious, and sagely nostalgic. Lee is the beloved straight man, while Jim perfectly embodies the seasoned Jersey cynic with a heart. Laughter, heartache, and unvarnished honesty blend seamlessly, making for both gut-busting and thought-provoking listening.

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If you want to know what it’s really like growing up East Coast, finding laughs amid trauma, and building true friendship, this is a can’t-miss episode.

Transcript

[A]

What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with his Jewish Cato for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening now, new edition. What's happening, brother?

[B]

I'm good, dude. Good to see you.

[A]

Everything all right? You got a little sniffle today?

[B]

Got sniffles.

[A]

Got a little sicky poo again down in Philadelphia?

[B]

Oh, it's because I was out all. Dude, I. It's the number one food city in the country. I was just out. It's like, it's, it's. I don't. I dare you to name one better city than Philadelphia.

[A]

Food wise, Philadelphia has great food, but it's pointed at a certain direction.

[B]

Yeah, they're fat people.

[A]

If I go. Yeah, no, no, no, but you got to go something. Like when you go to Texas, like if I take you to Houston, and one minute you're eating good Chinese and next minute you're eating good barbecue, and next minute you're eating good Italian. That's what I'm saying. When you go down there. Yeah, you got a red pie. I mean, I love the food in Philly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't get me wrong. I always eat when I'm down there. You do see that?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

And I live to go. I love the food at the stadiums, the basketball. I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't know. I mean, I can't no eat that.

[B]

But how long can you eat barbecue? I could eat more Italian than I could eat barbecue.

[A]

I could eat Mexican, too. They got Mexican in Texas.

[B]

Do they really? Oh, yeah, they do.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry. Talking about nothing but day food for three days.

[A]

Yeah, you made a mistake.

[B]

Okay, what mistake did I make?

[A]

But Philly food is great.

[B]

Oh, it's the best. And I love the people. It was just a great weekend.

[A]

This is my favorite city to go. Just go down there and say whatever the fuck I want. I know. Nobody's gonna say a fucking word. If you have Americans at your show, yeah, they're gonna leave insulted. But the good thing about Philly is as they leave, people clap. Get the fuck out. You weren't one of us anyway, so get the fuck outta here. It's that plain and simple. And that's why they'll never be whatever the word is. They're woke. They'll never be that. It's always, you know, it's like I told you, I took my daughter there and I didn't give a fuck because I'd rather her hear it from somebody else at that age than from me. And I told her, we're going into Philly. This is live to St. Mamarex. This ain't fucking a tape. This ain't fucking Billie Eilish saying shit. You know. You know, this is fucking real. This is.

[B]

This is. And what was on what. There was like a dick on the wall or something?

[A]

Not even. We didn't even go into the stadium, and there was already a dick and balls on the wall. And she goes, dad, look. Yeah, welcome to Philadelphia. You know, once you see that, that's it. You know where you're at, you grab your kids and go, we're leaving. We're going to where there's culture. There ain't no culture in Philly. This is Philly. That's the good thing about Philly. This will always be Philly. And somebody will always call you out in Philly. And that's it. I mean, look at the people who've come from Philly, dog. I tell you, I'm gonna get tickets. My birthday this year, they're gonna do Julius Irving's birthday at the Spectrum. It's against the Atlanta Hawks. But it's Julius. I mean, he's turning 76. It's 76. So.

[B]

And what are you going to. And you're going to get good seats or, like, what are you going to do?

[A]

No, I'm going to sit up in the top with a bunch of fucking people that ice made a mistake and arrested. That's what I'm going to do. A bunch of Mexicans got arrested illegally. Yeah. I'm going to try to get the best fucking seats.

[B]

You going to get a Julius, like, Jersey, or what are you going to do?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm going to get a Julius jersey like an asshole. No, I'm going to go there and watch him. And that's one of my early fucking idols. He's one of the guys that kept. That's why I told George I hope he don't die. Either him or me die before his birthday.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Then those tickets will be a waste of time.

[B]

But you need to do a drinking game is how quickly you can bring up you dying. Every episode, cocksucker.

[C]

Listen.

[B]

Every fucking episode, you're dying. Sooner and sooner.

[A]

It's the obvious. So when I do die, you go, you know what? He knew he was dying. He's a good dude. And you won't be crying like a pussy at the funeral. I'm taking the pain from you little by little. Cocksucker. And you don't see what I'm doing. Not too many people going to cry at my funeral. But you will. With a Diwali blanket, you'll be fucking crying.

[B]

I'm going to your house and taking every last bit of weed you have at that house and selling on ebay.

[A]

There's no weed left, okay?

[B]

There's this. It's going to be like Ralphie May's wife selling everything on ebay. I'll sell all your stuff on ebay. Fuck it.

[A]

What? You know, Halloween's in the air.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you dressing up as?

[B]

I don't. I Christian. I have no idea what I'm dressing up as. What are you. I haven't dressed up in fucking years.

[A]

And why? It's not my agenda. But I dressed up yesterday.

[B]

What did you dress up as?

[A]

The big bad wolf.

[B]

And you had a whole wolf costume?

[A]

Yeah, but it was lame. My wife made it so it was like a fucking gentleman wolf. I had to make some adjustments. I had to get fangs and put some blood around my mouth and fucking, you know, I got like. She got me, like, two little cat ears. I'm like, what the fuck? I look like fucking John Candy in Spaceballs. What the fuck is wrong with you? I had a little cape and she got me a bow tie. I don't want a bow tie. When you were eating fucking girls, you don't have a bow tie. You just dig it in. They grab it to choke you, and you're eating that fucking wolfy wolf. Whatever.

[B]

So what do you have, like, panties hanging out of your mouth? What do you want? Like, what kind of wolf do you want?

[A]

I like half panties and I put them in my collar, you know. You know me, dog.

[B]

Why did you dress up? You went like trick or treating already.

[A]

Who goes trick? I don't even blow, dog. That's burning too many calories. I don't trick or treat. I cross the street, I get a fucking Hershey. What is that, the peanut M and Ms. That tastes like dick?

[B]

You don't like peanut MM's?

[A]

Yeah, but the little ones taste different than the good ones they give you.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[A]

When you're chubby, you gotta know these things. That's why when you tell me you go to CVS and buy those little bags, I get upset with you. Oh. Because today. Do a sample. Go get a bag on sale.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And go get a big fucking bag of fucking M and M peanuts.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Eat two big M and M peanuts and then take the Ones from those little Mizrah blags. Eat two of those and see what they taste like. They taste like a fingernail.

[B]

I don't get those little mini ones.

[A]

Yes, you do, because you go to cvs.

[B]

I go the day after Halloween. That used to be my favorite day.

[A]

80% off and the fucking thing's really stale. They chemically make it to be stale the next day.

[B]

Good. It tastes great.

[A]

It's like this thing we went to last night, this Halloween costume. Every year, you know, people enter the window. I didn't enter, okay? I didn't even get up and dance. I had 1500 milligrams of me. I wasn't going anywhere. I was just laughing by myself at the shit people put on, you know?

[B]

So why did you have a costume on if you weren't entering the contest?

[A]

Because my daughter went. It was a family thing, okay? So I wasn't even gonna go. I was gonna stay at Jimmy's and watch the fucking football game, right? But I'm like, you know what, man? This is what you do. I don't want to do it, but this is what you got to do every once in a while. You got to be a fag. And, you know, that's what it takes.

[B]

To be a father every once in a while.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta eat a bullet and dress up.

[B]

And what did she dress up as?

[A]

Go with your kids. She was something from some show. I don't.

[B]

Oh, so it wasn't like a fan. I thought it was like she was gonna be Little Red Riding Hood and.

[A]

You know, my wife. Why would I eat my daughter? You know what I'm saying? What a perverted. Are you.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Eating?

[B]

Her daughter eating.

[A]

Yeah, my wife was Little Red Riding Hood and I was the big bad wolf. But now she told me Friday we have to go to another one. So I'm gonna go out this week and get myself a really fucking big bad wolf.

[B]

You gonna be the same costume? You gotta get something different.

[A]

No, no, I'm gonna upgrade this bitch.

[B]

You gotta be like Julius Irving.

[A]

No, stupid, I'm gonna work. The wolf man she made me was below par.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I'm coming out Friday with the fucking real wolf man.

[B]

Woo woo.

[A]

The beard. I'm gonna get some new mushrooms. I'm trying to score a $10 bag. I want to fucking do a line of heroin and just start fucking foaming from the fucking mouth like that Mexican in narcos, you know what I'm saying? You're like, are you going to be Julius Irving. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a white Julius Irving. What's dumber than a white Julia Serving. And God forbid you put suntan or something, then I'm Joey Whiteface and I'll never be able to crack a joke again because I hate black people. Because I took him back to Hal Jolson. You know what I'm saying? I need this shit. Why would I want to be Julius Erving? Anybody who puts black makeup on, it's like fucking raping a girl right now. If you put black makeup on and take a picture, you're done. You won't even get a job anymore in this country. You won't even get a fucking job. They'll say. They'll label you racist and this and that, and it's not even worth the aggravation. I would love to dress up like a black fucking dude. Like Big Dick mc. I told y', all, my daughter wanted me to dress up like the bullet that killed Charlie Kirk.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

That's how. That's where she's coming from. She was begging me to just go as Charlie Kirk dead. Please put the scarf on with the red thing. My wife was like, you can't, Joey.

[C]

You can't.

[A]

But that's what I really like. If somebody has an off Halloween, I'm showing up like Charlie Big Dick. How would be, dog? You know, listen, these people. In 1981, I was an abortion stop. I dressed up, dog. I dressed up with fucking thermal underwear and I put a hanger around my neck. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

What did they say to you then?

[A]

You can't come into this party. And his uncle dressed up like garbage. That's the best costume.

[B]

I think abortion might be garbage.

[A]

They took a metal garbage can, right? Cut the bottom off, right? This was fucking. Fuck all these shows. They put garbage cans on. They put those farmer straps on, okay? And they took the cap and they took fucking a bag, a brown bag, and they crazy glued it and they rolled it up so it fit their hat, their heads. So when they put the lid on, then they took the lid and took strings and tied them to the tails of live mice and went into a party. And once they were all there in the same time, they picked up the mice and started eating them in the fucking party. And people were puking, girls were crying. That's Halloween, motherfuckers.

[B]

That doesn't seem like what happened. Candy and fucking.

[A]

Who wants to get to bobbing for apples, eating raw.

[B]

I'd rather Eat bob for apples. Than raw fucking alive mice.

[A]

You are as boring and as white. This is why America's gonna taken over by Chinese people any day now. Yeah, I don't wanna bob for apples.

[B]

I don't wanna bob for apples. But I don't wanna eat mice.

[A]

I can bobs for apples. Faggots in practice, that's how they. When they take you to faggotry school. How to suck dick, that's what you do. You bob for apples. It's like SEALs, Navy SEALs, they make you go in the water and hold your breath. Same thing when eric was like 8. He went to fag school at 8.

[B]

They're already teaching him that.

[A]

Catholic school. That's what it's called when they train you to be a faggot. No, these are lies. People, please. Anyway.

[B]

Is Mercy going to go trick or treating this year?

[A]

I don't fucking know. She's fucking 12. Why would you check the tree? I don't know.

[B]

If I were you, I'd make her so you could get the candy.

[A]

What? Fuck. I don't want that candy in my house.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Why would you want that shit candy in your house? There is a bag of that shit upstairs year round. And every once in a while, I'm not going to lie to you, I'll go in and get a Kit kat. That's it.

[B]

1500 milligrams and you're eating one Kit Kat.

[A]

That's it? That's it. And it's not even when I'm high, to be honest with you. It's like when I have a craving for chocolate or something like that. Everyone. But if you're gonna eat chocolate, there's good chocolate for you to eat.

[B]

Like what?

[A]

I don't know. You go to one of those Whole Foods and they give you.

[B]

You do not eat Whole Foods chocolate.

[A]

The lady around the corner had some of the house and it was very.

[B]

Did they switch you at the hospital if I told you I was eating whole foods chocolate.

[A]

Listen, you know what the good thing about me is? Not only do I have a good memory, but I remember how shit tastes. Unless you're a fucking moron. And I know Jimmy will vouch for this. And George. Well, I don't know about George. Is it me? And if we go online, it'll tell you that scientifically, your buds change as you get older. That's true. So yeah, like if I used to eat. Like when I was a kid, I used to buy date nut bread. That shit ain't even around no more.

[B]

Date Nut.

[A]

Date nut bread. It was made by Sara Lee. And I'd cut it and put cream cheese on that motherfucker and eat it. I think about that now and I want to strangle myself. Cause I don't even like that shit. You know what I'm saying? I understand that. I understand not going to Burger King every two meals. I understand not doing that shit. But I don't understand, like, honestly, when I open up a bag of my daughter's cereal, I told you guys immediately, that is not the cereal we ate as kids. None of it. When fucking Apple Jacks don't turn green, the milk. They don't make the milk turn green. And they're little fucking pellets. That's not what I grew up on.

[B]

They're pellets now.

[A]

They're pellets. Captain Crunch, that's gone all that shit, that peanut butter crunch with the pirate gone the cocoa mix. They don't make your milk turn. And the thing that is chocolate is probably killing rats in another country or something like that. You know what I'm saying? This is the truth. You taste it, dog. I remember coming from. I remember being a little kid and I was addicted to Hershey bars. Anything that said chocolate on it. Because of my little spick mind, I couldn't read English, and I thought it meant chocolate late. So how Cubans say chocolate? Mexicans had chocolate. I thought they were saying chocolate late. So at night I'd eat chocolate. When I was a kid, my mom would go, why are you bouncing off the wall at 11:30 at night? Because I'd eat the real thick fucking chocolate, that shit that they get you from the sweet and stuff. My mom would make it to make fucking hot cocoa or something like that. Well, go get chocolate today. Go get a piece of Hershey's chocolate today. Don't taste like it. And I went to that Hersheyville in Pennsylvania, all right? And the kisses tasted a little bit better, okay? But get a kiss now. Get a kiss now. It's scientific chocolate. It's not fucking the chocolate we grew up on, guys.

[B]

That shit's hard as fuck.

[A]

No shit. Unless you leave it in your pocket for 12 hours, then you go in and it's half melted. You got a little fudge on your fingers, but you don't give a fuck. You haven't eaten all day. You know what I'm saying? You need. You need some sugar in your system.

[B]

Oh, I. I can't. That's what I would do when I was at three. When I was 300 plus, when Halloween time came around, I would get a bag every time I. I would go to. I. I used to. Honestly, to be honest with you, I would do open mics for like the last year of LA just so I could go to that 711 and get candy on the way home. And I would eat.

[A]

Ch.

[B]

That's like that, like, people talk about, like, hitting, like, rock bottom with, like, drugs and shit. Candy is my rock bottom. Because that's when I.

[A]

Especially when you called me from Minneapolis and you said you fell asleep. You got so high.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Doing a twitch. You fell asleep on the chocolate and it melted all over his bed. Yeah. And he woke up covered in chocolate. And fine. I'm like, wow.

[B]

And then I ate it. I ate it when I woke up.

[A]

And you know that. Listen, man, I see where you're coming from, because I can see you, like, you were heavier then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And at that point, you were a little down. You didn't know where to start. You were starting to walk a little bit. But, bro, when you're walking on ice, you might as well dance when you're £400. It's like when somebody says, listen, you got double lung cancer, you know, you got eight months to live.

[B]

Break out the cigarettes, brother.

[A]

Break out the cigarettes. What am I gonna do now? Well, don't smoke. You know the church group. Listen, fuck the church group. I'm smoking, I'm snorting, I'm doing everything, whatever the doctor tells me I can't do. And it's the same thing. Like, you just. You want to beat your. I remember trying to get off coke those last two years, and every time I go, I want to get off, I just do another fucking eight ball and go, what the fuck am I doing? So it's kind of an addiction. But, man, the shit they're giving us today. Completely fucking different Entenmanns. Come on, man. Completely fucking different. Those cookies from Entenmanns, you buy them and they break. Now get them. They kind of saw, but not really. No. They added so much. And so what do you do? Do you make your own? I don't know. I don't have the answer.

[B]

You're not supposed to eat it at all. But it's like. I honestly think they're like, they're trying to kill us because they just come out with all the time. Like, Wendy's now has Frosties with, like, hot fudge in it and cookies in it. Like, they come every time I go on a diet. I feel like they come out with that are like, I've been praying for as a fat guy and they just come out with shit that no one ever needs to eat. Oh, those, those Reese's Oreos are delicious. You haven't tried them. I should bring them in.

[A]

No, no, don't even bring them in. Why would you have those? Pellets of debt. I tell you what changed. Oh my God. And don't tell me nothing. None of you, motherfucker tell me wrong because I grew up in a fucking movie theater. I grew up in a fucking movie theater. Raisinets by Raisinet don't even raisins in there no more. Ain't fucking raisins.

[B]

They still make those?

[A]

I don't even know. I don't have them in movie theaters no more.

[B]

Raisin in.

[A]

Yeah, they don't have that shit no more. Popcorn, that's in. Oh my God, what did you do? Friday fucking night. My wife goes to Philly Friday night. Listen, I gotta tell you guys something. I read something that people eat alone, go to the movies alone, are very resilient. I don't know what they're talking about. I love hanging out. Like I was watching that mafia show, I was telling Nick, I was watching that Joey Merlino show on Netflix, okay? And Merlino's out with 14 fucking guys. Every time in 1980 it was him with. I was telling Jim him and 16 fucking guys. When I was fucking 18, 25, I had 10 guys with me everywhere. You gotta tell people, don't call Lee. Cause we have too many people to go to that Chinese restaurant. We'll fuck em up. Lee comes, we'll never get invited again. Like not cause we didn't love you because we already rolling deep, right? And today at 62, I can't find one fucking guy in my neighborhood to go to Bourbon street and look at some Russian fucking snatch. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Well, maybe if you invited them to a movie.

[A]

No. So I'm at home, they're in Philadelphia. I love going out by myself.

[B]

Oh, it's the best.

[A]

I bumped into like eight things that night. I bumped into a woman who was saying stuff to me outside while she was smoking a cigarette. And I was like predicting the words for her. And every time I go, oh, and this would happen next. And she's like, how'd you know? You really know me. I just was talking to her as I was walking out. She goes, you're from a TV show. I go, no, I'm not, I'm fucking comedian, I'm a dirty comedian. She goes, no, I saw you the other night on some tea.

[C]

No.

[A]

And we just started talking. She was another old broad. Oh, my God. This woman went from talking about Marboro to talking about sex. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, yeah, I love when some guy pounds my hair or something. I'm like, what the fuck?

[B]

Were you at the strip club or just at a restaurant?

[A]

I was at a restaurant. An Italian family fucking restaurant. I was walking to my car. It was hysterical.

[B]

No one ever says this shit to me, Joey. I go out by myself all the time.

[A]

I'm fucking high as a kite now. I got 1500 milligrams in me. I'm rolling deep. I'm smoking 45% gunpowder.

[B]

45?

[A]

Yeah. They have this new gunpowder weed. It's mixed with the weed. You take three hits of that, you fucked up. I had that in me. I was fucked up. And I go home and the girl's like, 45 minutes away. Like on our way home from the concert. I'm sitting there watching something. I'm like, man. I go for some popcorn, right? So I go upstairs and I see Jiffy Pop. Like the kind you put on Jiffy Pop, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like, oh, shit. I haven't done a jiffy pop in 50 fucking years. That's a long time, you know? So I read, you know, I had to go get my glasses and read it, take the top off, and then you read the back of the top and it tells. You put it over the thing on medium and keep moving it fast. And it swirls. The thing swirls. So I'm parking high as a kite, and all of a sudden I'm like, listen, I know I got problems, but I know I can make popcorn without a hitch, especially in these things. And I'm paw Paw, Paw Paw. And it's starting to pop. And all of a sudden it's like the Little Rascals cake. Like, it started going pooip wah. Not even the noises, but the one side just popped. And popcorn started going and hitting the wall. And I'm like, ah. And all of a sudden, the other side is hitting me. Now it's hot popcorn. And I'm trying to shut the thing. I'm turning it around and popcorn's everywhere.

[B]

You're still trying to cook it, huh? You're still trying to cook it?

[A]

Yeah, because it's popping. It's $8 for a fucking thing. I'm getting something out of it. Half of it's hitting the wall, the other half is Hitting the fire. And now the popcorn's on fire. Oh, my God. I'm like, what the fuck? The paper towel is on fire. Awesome. Fucking Jiffy Pop. And I'm such a fucking gavon. I am such a pig. Because, listen, you're eating it. Oh, yeah. Whatever was left, I just put it in the thing. I put butter in it. Like a Puerto Rican, heavy on the pepper. I mix it all up and, bro, half everything I bit into was one of those unfucked, like, Jesus, I had nine teeth when I started. You know what I'm saying? Now I'm down to eight fucking teeth.

[B]

Meanwhile, Terry walks into this kitchen, and there's no.

[A]

I didn't even say nothing. I just went back downstairs, and she came in and she goes, I smell something. So. Something burning? I don't want to know. And she goes, what'd you do? I tried to make popcorn. She goes, the microwave? No. What microwave? I didn't see the microwave. I only saw Jiffy Pop. She's like, I already know what happened. She went upstairs. She's like, joe Diaz, what the fuck? And I go, dog, it started popping from the side. It didn't even unswirl. It just started popping. Trust me.

[B]

What happened to the mic? Why didn't you just do a microwave pop?

[A]

Because I didn't see the fucking microwave popcorn. Oh. I only saw was in front of me, which was fucking Jiffy Pop. And I'd see. Whatever. What's the name of it? Not Jiffy Pop.

[B]

I think you're right.

[A]

Yeah, whatever. I only saw the fucking Jiffy Pop. And I had seen it days earlier trying to get oatmeal or something like that. And I remembered the Jiffy Pop in there. Like, I made the. You know, the correlation.

[B]

Dude, that's like on 1500 milligrams. I'm surprised you didn't burn the house down trying to make Jiffy Pop. And then you kept cooking it as it was exploding over your kitchen.

[A]

Listen, at my age, if the house burns down, if you know anything about me, dog, I'll probably just go outside and lay down the lawn. Lay down? Yeah. What do you want me to do? Yell and scream and go turn the popcorn off at this age. What do you want me to do? You want me to make a big deal? It's insured.

[B]

I don't think it's insured when you burn it down.

[A]

Making money because I'm suing Jiffy Pop because they gave me defective fucking jiffy.

[B]

Dude, can you imagine if I told you I made Jiffy Pop, you'd go off for 45 minutes about me making popcorn.

[A]

You're a fag because you put hot fudge on it or something like that, that's why. Yeah, I'm a genius. That does sound good.

[B]

Hot fudge on some popcorn.

[A]

Who the fuck you think? Listen, every time I come up here on Monday, Yeah. I say to myself, I'm gonna come up here a little early and I'm gonna stop at Krauses. What's that? The. In my. My place with the chubby chocolate.

[B]

Oh, the strawberries. Oh, okay.

[A]

And get strawberries and get the boxes of chocolate. I just know that I can't stop. No, I'll get boxes for my neighbors. If I go by the house, then at home, then I get in that box. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm one of those guys. I ain't giving you shit. Now you. I came by while you weren't home, but let's talk about Prebiotics. We got a guest. Let's do it and let's make this party happen. We'll be right back when I talk to you about Bioma. The best. What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey here. The last place you want to find something scary is in the toilet. Keep everything tip top in the bathroom with Bioma. Bioma's blend of prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics helps restore a healthy microbiome. You're going to want to give Bioma a try and get things sorted out down there. Listen, me, I take, I pop two of those things. I'm tip top Magooey. You understand me? Everything is rocking smooth. Smoke comes out, forget about it. Stop waiting for your stomach to get better on its own. Get Bioma and get it together. It's not just about smooth, regular digestion. Your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy, weight management and even lifespan. Take 15% off your Biomar order. To get started, just click in the link in our show notes and press in Code Joey J O E Y. Bioma will get you Tip Top Magoo. In time for the holidays. Before you start stuffing your face, balance yourself out and take care of yourself. You want to be healthy through the holidays. Trust me, you don't want to end up like Uncle Joey in the hospital for five days. So go to Bioma. Again. That's code Joey for 15% off your order when you click on the link in our show notes. Happy Halloween. Ah, kick this mule. We're back, Jack. Tonight we have my neighbor, Jimmy Florentine. You might Know him from Sirius, the. The hard rock metal show. The metal show with Fuck o and Fucky. My man, Don Jamison, Eddie Trunk. What's going on, Jimmy?

[C]

It's good to see you guys, man. It's great to be back up in my living up here. The memories. I haven't been up here in a while. North Bergen, Cliffside park area. Lived around here. Caused some major damage in this area. Been to the police station, Cliffside park police station. A bunch of times. Good times up here.

[A]

Young comedy, huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You were a young comic living up here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Going back and forth into the city. Rent was manageable.

[C]

Back 800 for three for a two bedroom. It was me, my girlfriend and Jim Norton lived together. So we split 803 ways right here in Cliffside Park. It was beautiful.

[A]

It's crazy. You see what it looks like now.

[C]

I know down there.

[A]

It looks like a bomb headed down there.

[C]

It's crazy.

[A]

But then you go two blocks down and you think you're in heaven, you know? Yeah, it's. It's crazy. When you go to Edgewater and Weehawken and seeing how much that area has grown, it's. It's unbelievable.

[C]

There was nothing down there. It was like the Path Mark and then Outback steakhouse and that was it. There was like. And it was closed on Sundays because of the blue lot. I remember there was no parking around by my street on Riverview Place. I come home late doing spots. So I got. And they have the yellow line so you couldn't park there. So I bought like gray spray paint and I spray painted it so my car would fit over to yellow where it wasn't supposed to. I'm like, I got to. Yeah. I couldn't find a spot at 2 in the morning around here. You drive around for an hour. So I just fill in the yellow with gray space. Perfect. I got a spot.

[B]

Do you ever get caught?

[C]

No, never did. It was like two in the morning. I just sprayed a yellow until my car fit.

[B]

Isn't it great when you say fuck it? And you're like, if I get a ticket, I get a ticket. And then you don't get a ticket. You come back and there's no ticket.

[A]

And you're like.

[C]

I would have just said, hey, listen, man, I don't, you know, I didn't notice. It looks like a spot.

[B]

Meanwhile, your hands are silver from this.

[A]

It's fucking crazy that for people who don't know this, when everybody was making the descent from L. A. Everybody was going to Texas and Tennessee and Florida. I called my man Jimmy Florentin. I go, jimmy, I was coming back. But fucking the plan got foiled. I was going to move up to Bergen county, but something didn't want me to move to Bergen County. And I thought about where I was today. For lunch I went to my crazy brother's. He lives in Morganville. I used to go down there and I just. Something about the area that I really liked. It was peaceful. Like, instead of staying up north, it was just fucking trees and fucking elk and you know, he had a pool and fucking. It was sunny, you know, it was just great. And Rascals was down there. They had a couple clubs down there, two or three clubs. I would stay with him for three weeks and go to Princeton, do Rascals, Ocean and then do Rascals and whatever. The other.

[C]

West Orange.

[A]

West Orange, you know. I loved it. So I called you. And Jimmy's responsible for luring me to fucking Jersey. Everybody was going to Austin. I remember them calling me and going, hey man, we need to talk to you. We got houses in Austin. And I'm like, that's great. I already bought a house in Jersey. Like, don't do it. Don't sign the paper. We're all going in Austin. I go, I'm already going to Jersey. It was like one in the morning when this conversation went down with Joe and who else? Duncan? It was a bunch of guys and we were all like, fucking Joe had a three way going over there. Cause all those guys during the pandemic would fucking zoom at night. They would. That's how Zoom got big, right? They were zooming at night to keep their fucking mind. So they were zooming and Joe was talking to me going, yeah, I bought the first house. Tony's next and we found the house for you. And I'm like, I already bought a fucking house, guys.

[C]

You had a house in 10 days once you called me. Yeah, My sister in law is a real estate broker. She knows the area, the schools, all that shit. You got the kid, Terry, talked to her within 10 days. Yeah, we got a house.

[A]

10 days.

[B]

Dude, that was a. You bought a house without seeing it. You saw it on FaceTime, but you were never inside the house.

[A]

I had a friend of mine look at it and I trusted him. I grew up with him, you know, and he knows that type of shit. That's his fucking world. And he goes, go ahead, it's a nice piece of property, whatever. At that point I just was happy to find something. Now today, I wish I would have bought A different house. But I love my little house. I'm comfortable there, you know? I love that neighborhood as much shit as I talk about. It's boring and shit. Listen, man, I come out of that house at quarter to six in the mornings. Today I was out there with a hooded sweatshirt and a fucking winter jacket with hoodies on and sweatpants and I'm drinking coffee and I look at those trees and shit and there's not a noise. There's not a noise. There's times I go in the garage and get high and I come back up and I sit there and I go, when is a car. I play the game. When is the car gonna pass by? It'll be 15, 20 minutes and a car won't go by. It's like one of those Clint Eastwood movies where it's just quiet.

[C]

Yeah. Peaceful. No. And I remember like within like two weeks, Mercy had like four friends over the house.

[A]

Oh yeah, it was.

[C]

And you go, she had none in la. Nobody wants to hang out.

[A]

And.

[C]

And there's four neighbors that are her same age, go to the same school and they're hanging out.

[A]

Jimmy, it's a no brainer because it wasn't. When you have a child, it's not about you anymore. It's about so your career if you're really, really. Unless. Unless I'm fucking Brad Pitt and I'm getting 82 million a movie. Why do I live there? Why do I have to live there? That even 82 million a movie means I could probably fly by myself and get planes for you guys to fly behind me like that Tom Cruise movie. Like Tom Cruise movie when he was smuggling coke with those dudes, you know. 82 million. Yeah, 82 fucking million. So why are we here? It comes down to this quality of life for your child. First of all, the quality of life for me. I was already. I can't get comfortable in the neighborhood. Lee and me ran that fucking neighbor. We knew every Mexican, we knew any donut chick, we knew all the fucking burrito places. Big Tony's, where they gave you the fruit with the cream on top. It was like it was too easy of a life. I already knew the weed store was next to the cryotherapy store. Come on, come on. Not even a mile from my fucking house. How many times? How far did you live from me, Lee? Two blocks point two. I would show up at Lee's and start beeping a horn. I'd be right down and he'd come down, I'd give him one of those 200 milligram fucking tubes.

[B]

Give me a tube and some Cuban fried rice and ask Zoom off.

[A]

Yeah. And I'd say it was kind of fun for a little bit it was fucking fun. But after a while it was just us and you had a. It was me, Lee and the Comedy Store and this poor 7 year old girl that anytime we went to a party, she was the only kid. Anytime we invited people over, she was the only kid. And then when she did make friends. Jesus Christ. There was a girl that locked her out of the house. There was another girl we went over that we went to a house and the kids started fucking crying because it was fucking unreal. All these kids are fucking defective because they all lived in an area, guys, where it's people spinning their wheels. That Studio City is a beautiful area and I miss it. But it's an area where it's a bunch of guys, 40 to 50, they're spinning their wheels, they're going from show to show or just stroking themselves. I'm writing a script about the. Come on. That's four years before you see a check. You're living on a credit card. And your kids are defective because you're putting them in school, you're putting them in events that benefit you. Do you know that if we take our kid there, the writer from MADTV goes there. We could slip him a script. That's how people think. They start using their children as porn. And I saw it. I fucking saw it, man. And I'm like, I don't want to raise her here. I got to raise her somewhere where it's nitty gritty. I'd like to bring her back up north here, but this is a two bit nitty gritty right now. Let me take her down there where white people live, how they control themselves. And when she's like 13, you take them to Newark and you drop them off and pick them up in an hour. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I just remember when you moved there within like three weeks because you were taking mercy to parks. I'm fucking suing la. I had to bring my gun to the park. Look at these beautiful parks here. He said every one of them, the shittiest park is 100 times better than anything in LA goes. And what the fuck was I paying for all these years?

[A]

Dogs, Taxes. Not taxes, litter. I realized I was living in Studio City, California, which supposed to be. There was paper everywhere on the floor in front of my fucking thing. Hollywood's fucking filthy. Hollywood Boulevard is filthy, you know? And it was. Listen, guys, it wasn't that it served its purpose. I had a child now, I had to think outside the box a little bit and dog the kid. She would have never played softball. I have a friend, a dear friend, been on the church a thousand times. I talk to him every week, and we'll talk on a Saturday, and he'll go, what's that noise? And I'm like, that's the parents at the softball game. He goes, dog, I'm at my son's baseball game. The parents sit apart and they all have things in their ears, you know, nobody talks. Why do you sign your kid up for baseball? Why don't you? It's a community thing, you know what I'm saying? That's what I have now. And, yeah, my wife and daughter went to a fucking football game on Sunday, the 12U, you know, like with hillbillies, like.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Like on a Sunday. Where you going? The county game. You know what, are you crazy? I make strawberry shortcake. I go to church, I go home. I want to eat some ass. No, no, we're part of the community now, but that's what kids need to grow up in.

[B]

He's turning into a Jersey. Like, she talks to me constantly.

[A]

Constantly.

[C]

You have to constantly that, you know, that was always my biggest fear, moving back to the suburbs. I lived up here, north. North Bergen, you know, area and stuff. Worked, you know, right in the city here. And then when I got married and had a kid, I go, I gotta go back to the suburbs and make sure this kid has a lawn and friends and all this. And then I was like, man, I'm gonna have to hang out with these parents. Oh, it's going to be awful. It's the greatest thing, Joe, you're over my house yesterday. Like, three of the parents were there. All these dads, they're awesome.

[A]

And I was torturing that dude telling cocaine stories. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was loving it. Yeah, he was loving it. Talking about pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You don't think. Because, like, I understand about la, but if I'm being honest, if I ever have a kid, I want to raise them. I've. I grew up in the suburbs and it is a great life. I'm not saying anything bad about it, but I always wanted to live in the city as a kid. There's just so much available to you. Did you ever think about raising him in the city?

[A]

No, no, it's great until you're walking a kid in the park and a rat bites him in the Ankle, I guess. Yeah, but there's no air. It's good to show your kid that you're here till about six or seven, and then you'll think to yourself, too. This ain't no way to live with a kid. It's a nice dream. It's like la. It's a nice dream for you to be part of a community, but you're just a part of people that they don't have a fucking life. They all do the same thing. It's just to be cool. It's just to be. And I'm not saying that's New York City, right? Yeah. Listen, I grew up in the city till I was 10. Look at me. I came out okay. Yeah, okay. But I lived in the city. City, right. You know, and I lived. I went up to Harlem on the weekends and I did kinky shit. And then When I was 10, I moved to North Bergen, New Jersey. Which is like being in the city in those days, right?

[B]

I see you were hop.

[A]

Skipping a jump. And that's what I'm trying to say. At one point, the kid's gotta go to high school, and the kid's got that. That's not. That's. You're spending 82,000amonth to live like a doomboach. To be who? To be who, Right?

[C]

And he, you know, his, you know, kid wants to hang out with, somebody's got to take a subway down the third street to go hang out, and then you got to hang. Oh, you're gonna hang out while they hang out? Are you gonna take the subway back, then go pick her back up? You know, that's a. That's a nightmare. You live in the suburbs. There, they just get dropped off. They're hanging in your basement, they're all sleeping over. It's. It's about the kids. You can. You can hang in the city. Most people hang in New York when they have a baby to like, three or four, right? And then when it comes to kindergarten or first grade, they move outside the.

[A]

City once they see a stabbing on the subway.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Or somebody gets shot. The bodega. We love the bodega neighborhood. They have coffee. That's good. You keep buying that shit. You keep buying that shit, and one day, you do the fucking math. And you cannot be that stupid. You know, when you're a publisher, like John Lennon, you know, when you're a fucking music publisher, like, if you write your music and perform it and own it, that's paper. And one day you go, you know what. What are these People getting for their.

[B]

Catalogs now, Hundreds of millions.

[C]

250, 300 million to sell. 70% of it.

[A]

All right, you get that? You pay your taxes. That's it. You look at that and you go, how long do I have on the planet Earth? What am I gonna do with that money? Okay, I got kids over the years, I put them away, you know, I put away money. This is just choosing how I die type money. Guess what, Lee? Guess what, motherfucker.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm moving to Manhattan.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Do you understand me with that 200 million? Because it doesn't matter. My kid's eight. My wife's happy. I got a mistress. I got an 18 year old chick that plays the bongos in Thailand. I send her checks every month. You know, it doesn't matter. But to really be. It's. It's weird when you look at value, okay? Especially in today's world. And the most important word that I didn't never read was to about 10 years ago. I don't want to sound like other people was the word. Quality of life. How are you really living? You have to take two subways for this and then you got to get out. Listen, the ferry's nice in September. I want to see you out there in January.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Waiting for that.

[A]

Yeah, waiting for that ferry. You know, this is a heavy life.

[C]

And look, I live. I don't want to drive around with, you know, spray paint in my car looking for a spot at night anymore. I did that. I got a driveway. I forgot about it. When I'm looking for a spot up here tonight, I'm like, I have a. I forgot I have a driveway. I don't have to squeeze in spots up here and too. You know, that's how that, you know, just it. You'll. You'll get it at some point.

[B]

We'll see. I mean, I don't. I don't know. The thing that I like about it is there's. Oh, I. I can't tell you how I was bored in the suburbs. And there's just always something to do. You're exposed to so much as a kid, like even, like, even up in like the city. What are you. What are you looking at?

[A]

Here we go. You're.

[B]

You're convinced she's pregnant. She's not pregnant.

[A]

I didn't say anything.

[B]

Yes, you.

[A]

Every week you walk in here like she's a guy. You know, one minute we're talking football, the next minute you just drop on us. You're getting married. You know what? I'm saying, I know right around the.

[C]

Christian holidays, it's weird that they get mad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I wonder how you're trying to.

[A]

Sell me on having a kid. Yeah. In New York. This ain't the Lee I know. And you're a fucking Jew, Okay?

[C]

I walked in, Lee had a glow. I'm like, what the fuck's up?

[A]

Yeah. All of a sudden now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I want to raise a kid in New York. Yeah. Fuck you. That's great.

[C]

He's asking.

[A]

Your kid gets bit in the ankle by a rat. Don't you ever hear about the rat?

[B]

Rats hide from you.

[A]

The rats, yeah, yeah. They hide from you. Wait, do you have a kid? They got that different vision.

[C]

I was wondering why you were asking if I have any old baby clothes. Yeah, what was that about?

[B]

Oh, I'm trying to get them for free.

[A]

Poor bastard. I want to raise my kid in the city. That's great.

[B]

I've always wanted to.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Listen, I love tattoo, I would love tutu, but the first time you go to Jersey and you look around, it's a no brainer. First time you go to Alpine and you go to Englewood Cliffs and you see how those fucking gangsters live where Eddie Murphy lives and Whitney Houston live. And you're like, I want to be in this city. I got to go up the 80th to get my car and I got to pay rent for my car with my child. And I got a car seat. Bring it down four flights of stairs, Mr.

[B]

Genius.

[A]

And come on, it's a no. Fucking. That's why they moved there, right? Even Mike Tyson, everybody, right there, Mike Tyson, the Knicks, the Nets, the Yankees. You think they live in that hell hole for two or three years until the accountant goes, listen, listen, G, money right across that water. It's a lot cheaper and that paper's a lot. A little better in taxes. Just a little. Not much. But you want space for your child, you want all these fucking things. Look at the fucking schools in New York. What do you got teaching these kids? Even these fucking private schools in New York, you know? It's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare.

[B]

I'm sure it is, and I appreciate.

[A]

Where you come from.

[B]

Isn't it a nightmare everywhere, though?

[A]

Yes and no. But you have to choose your fucking nightmare, right? That's where you come in and go, if I, okay, I'm gonna die slowly, but I'm gonna choose my fucking poison here. And if my poison's gonna be, listen, I have a friend that lives in Atlantic City and Drives to this city five days a week.

[C]

That's two and a half hours.

[A]

At what point? One way or two ways?

[C]

One way.

[A]

Do the fucking math. At one point am I driving and I just take the gun where it says easy toll right there. Boom. Come on, man.

[B]

Yeah, fuck that.

[A]

I love to rock and roll. Come on. I got rock and roll in my blood. But I'm also an old. Hey, how you doing? I'm also an old fucking man, and I know my timing. And I don't have that hour. Just my back goes kaput. I could throw kiesta. I was throwing kettlebells just yesterday. I was doing deadlifts. I did a deadlift that was so heavy, I had to go home and nap for two hours. It jolted my system. I thought I was putting 25s, right? I put two 45s over at the gym, and I was warmed up and everything. I went boom. And the lift, first one, I was like, oh, God, even my knee was shaking. I went back down. I ended up doing three of them. I was like, that's good for. I hold on to the bike for a minute.

[C]

You did three of them?

[B]

Walked right to the car.

[A]

No, no, I did three. And then I went home and did some shit to get my breath back. And then I jumped on the light kettlebell. I did 15 of those, and I was like, that's good. I've been out of the hospital a week. What am I, Hercules all of a sudden? I had a milkshake or two with fucking with creatine in it. Who am I? You know what I'm saying? Right? I got to build it up. I have a heart attack.

[B]

Craziness. I don't. I don't know what the I want. Like, that's the thing is, like, just get married. I'm working on it.

[A]

Well, he's one of these Jews that'll drive you crazy. He's gonna shoot himself one day.

[C]

You think you give him a good.

[A]

Talking about himself because his mind will go. If I give him the same edible that Mercy ate, he'll go with a hundred ways like that because he's already thinking about all this, and all he's got to think about is being funny. That's it. He's getting married. She's in charge of all that. You got to fit into the tuxedo and show up. That's gonna be another one. I hope she's not going for a fitting next week, because that's not going to be bueno by the time you get to that thing.

[B]

No, that's why. That's why. I've been good.

[A]

Yeah, I've been good. I've been good.

[B]

I have.

[A]

I saw that before.

[C]

He just had three hot dogs.

[B]

Don't ride me out. One hot dog. I did have three pieces.

[C]

I was. I was trying to get one.

[A]

I can't wait to see that tuxedo with the buttons. Oh, with the button holding on with a Diwali on one side. There's going to be a monkey at the wedding. Anything like that?

[B]

Two of them. Oh, dude, I got surprises for you at the wedding. I'm so excited. I, we. I have stuff at the wedding just to piss you off. No, we have like a whole hummus table. I'm doing a lot of. At the wedding just to get you.

[A]

I bumped into somebody yesterday. I have to. Give me a number, okay? Because they were at the table with us at the Halloween party and they're almost as retarded as you are. They're getting Married on Sunday, 28th December.

[B]

Oh, I wouldn't do that. First of all, Saturday is a good day. And you know that's the best week of the goddamn. I know. It's close to cry.

[A]

What about is bowl games, right?

[B]

What? Bowl who? When do you watch? I've known you for 15 years. You not watch one single bowl game.

[A]

If you're getting married on that day. I'm watching everyone. You got surprises for me? I do. You forget that my dear friend, and he'll be the fucking witness, went, rented a room, took a TV from the room, asked the custodian for an extension cord and put the TV at the wedding table to watch Nebraska Colorado. Okay. At the divorce, my wife brought it up. His animal ruined our wedding. He put a TV at the wedding table and he met Nebraska.

[C]

Well, yeah, well, you first got.

[A]

I was an idiot. I got married 9-9-89. That's the beginning of the football season. Go fuck yourself.

[B]

But you don't like college football.

[C]

Doesn't matter.

[A]

Doesn't matter. You're intruding in somebody else's time. Yeah, there's guys that family.

[B]

In a Jewish family, not one person watches college football.

[A]

Well, you're going to have Jews and Indians. I can't wait to see what that place smells like at the end of the night.

[B]

You know exactly, you know exactly what it is.

[A]

Diwali fucking cookies.

[B]

Oh my God, it's gonna be the best.

[C]

Comics used to get married on Sundays because all the comics are working Friday and Saturday.

[A]

I'm gonna get a job that night. I Got a great job.

[C]

All right. I'm doing a dojo. You want to be on the show?

[A]

No, I'm doing like 10 shows.

[B]

People keep asking me if you're coming, and I'm like, I'll find out that day.

[A]

You'll find out because you want me to tell you the truth. You up?

[B]

How did I up?

[A]

My wife wanted to go away this Christmas. She wanted. It's her birthday on the 29th, so she wanted to come back after her birthday for New Year's. So we had two or three days. That's what you're dealing with right now.

[B]

Okay? If you guys can't make it, that's cool.

[A]

You know, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but who the gets married that weekend, Lee?

[B]

Apparently two people in your life.

[A]

You didn't consult with us? You didn't come to the bar.

[B]

I gotta ask you what day to get married.

[A]

Yeah, consult with us. April is when people get married right at the beginning of baseball season because nobody cares about the Yankees of baseball yet. The only thing that's playing is basketball. They're in the playoffs.

[B]

I don't look at the sports schedule when I'm looking to get married.

[A]

Everybody should trust me.

[C]

That's a weird week in between Christmas and New Year.

[B]

The best week of the year.

[C]

Yeah, but a lot of people are. Are out of town and that's the best.

[A]

Times are rough. Some of these kids not getting a gift because they gotta go to your fucking wedding on the 20th.

[B]

Whose kid is not getting a gift because they have to go to the wedding?

[A]

Everyone lives around. Here's what I'm saying to you. You pick the time of the year. That's rough. New Year's is two days later. You understand me? At least get married on New Year's if you're gonna keep me out.

[B]

You and I both know I'd get yelled at 8,000 more times for that.

[A]

Get married at six and get everybody out of there by nine and go Diwali at your own fucking house. You know what I'm saying? Go jump. Once you get married, light candles and play the organization.

[C]

Why don't you get married on the Chinese New Year?

[B]

Yeah, when's that?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Me either.

[B]

Oh, my God. And there was no day that would work for you. The only day that would work would be, like, February 44th.

[A]

No, no, no. You're my brother. I love you the fucking.

[B]

I love you too.

[A]

But again, Lee, again, when you have family, you sit everybody down and you go, this is what's going on in my world right now. What do I do? And you cannot get married. It's just a bad time. It's two days after Christmas.

[B]

And you're also obsessed with this open bar, which we're going to have, but you don't even drink. You have all these opinions about things that doesn't matter to you.

[A]

Because I want people to understand. You're taking people out of a night for you.

[B]

What are you doing December 27th.

[A]

It doesn't matter.

[B]

You don't do shit. December 27th. I don't.

[A]

Scratching my balls. I don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of foreigners jumping up and down, you know what I'm saying? Smelling like eggs, you know what I'm saying? That's if I could be blunt with you. I know the things I want to do, and that ain't on my list. We all have a bucket list. I'm 62 years old, Lee. I've seen it all. Unless she's going to have some Indian chicks taking flames out of their pussy with the little dots on their head, I'm in. But you know I love you, but who the fuck does the 27th? I'm going to show you something. I'm going to show you something. I'm going to show you something I just found the other day. And this is why I just don't understand people. I'm a fucking criminal, man. But I'm a different fucking type of criminal. I don't know. Somebody called me soft a couple of weeks ago. They were like, you know what, man? You're a little on the soft side. And I was like, you know what I went through in my life for you to call me soft, you stupid motherfucker?

[C]

How many people are going to be at the wedding?

[B]

Like 80, 80 to 100.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Oh, there's like, nothing. I'm getting yelled at every day by. By my entire family. Have to invite cousins who I've never met to the wedding.

[A]

Well, that's.

[C]

How many are you going to be your. Your family?

[B]

Like half and half.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Somebody sent me an invitation. They found an invitation to my wedding. Oh, yeah. And I sat there and I looked at it the other day, and I'm like, you know, at the time, I sacrificed. Because you get married to get gifts. I sacrificed all the gifts. And if anybody could have used the gift at that time, it was me. I was living in a single apartment with ten fucking cats.

[B]

Oh, the second wedding. Okay, I thought you meant the Colorado wedding.

[A]

And I remember calling her up and going, listen, we're going to get married. We're going to do this. But she was very smart. She goes, I gotta get this motherfucker while he's out. Because she knows that I changed my mind like the fucking wind. So she came home, we started talking about it, I called her dad, and we both settled on one thing. We both went for what we both didn't like about weddings and that was women wanna get married and they don't think about anybody but themselves. Okay? Not the dress code. Not talking about no stupid dress code. Because I go to a wedding dress, how the I want it. If I gotta sit here for three hours, I'm going with sweats and sneakers. I don't really give a fuck about. You wear your dress code.

[B]

Who has a dress? I'm not. We don't have a dress code.

[A]

It's not the dress code. It's just the.

[C]

Who's the best man?

[B]

No, we don't have. It's going to be. It's going to be a 20 minute ceremony, no religion, and it's gonna be a party after. That's it.

[A]

You know, and me and my wife talked about it. We go, how are we gonna do this? Do we wanna go to Tennessee? Do I wanna come back to Jersey? I'm a felon. I wanna come back here and have a wedding. It's got all em beans and kiss me and shit. So we both looked at each other, we go, what works? I'm a comic, man. I know that no comic is gonna be there on a fucking Saturday. I know this. My life is comics. I don't talk to nobody. So I got married on a Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I told people, don't bring a gift because I didn't want to impose on anybody. When I invite you to a wedding, it's three hours out of your night and I'm imposing on you. And I'm not saying you. This is how I feel about all these fucking things.

[B]

It's been years. At least I'm not having a vegan wedding like Felipe.

[A]

I'm not talking about you, brother, I get it. I'm talking about anybody in general. Because it went from us going to Woodbridge. Remember when you 80s 90s, you went to Woodbridge?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How many times you go to Woodbridge? What's the name? El Sol. What's the name of that fucking joint that has 20 weddings at once in fucking Wood? What? Siesta. The Siesta. Yeah. That's where you went. Everybody went there. And I could live with that. On a Saturday, Friday night, they had a bachelor party. You snorted coke, you rolled in there, fucked up. Everybody knew the rules. At every wedding you went in those days, parents were crying. All the women were crying. Oh, I can't believe he did it again. He promised, not at the wedding. Fuck you. You bought this fucking thing. You bought this line that this guy was not gonna fucking. I remember they had a wedding in North Bergen. And they robbed the purse. They robbed the purse by Veniris across the street.

[B]

Who's they?

[A]

There used to be a little wedding hall. Not me. I was in that night. They robbed the purse. I mean, it's just. And I always said to myself. But then I got the weirdest fucking thing. I got an invite. Jimmy Florentine. From a girl that was hot and wanted to get hotter. So she got fake tits. I told the story. And she got fake tits. In September, she debuted them. They were beautiful. She was younger than me. I couldn't even score it. I was a bum living on the Ralphie Mays floor. She lived upstairs. By this time, I had met Terri. I moved in with Terry. And one night she gives me an invite in the mail. Somebody calls me. They go, lori wants your address. And I looked at this, and as much as I love Lori, I had to say something to her. Her wedding was December, New Year's Day. But she wanted you to fly to Mexico on December 26th. I was fucking so insulted. Like, I'm like. And you had to stay till the 4th.

[B]

I didn't tell you that yet.

[C]

So nine days or something for you to.

[A]

That's not fair to me. No, the 26. I don't know about you, but on the 26th, 90% of people in this country are going to have bunny rabbit ears. Think about it. We're going to have money. Not me, but there's a lot of Americans that are gonna have bunny rabbit ears, right? A lot of Americans right now working hand to mind. I'm not saying you. Lee, I get it, but I'm talking about this shit. That you have to think about this, you know? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I really wanna go to your wedding. You're my brother. I really wanna go to your wedding. But like I said, my wife wanted to get the fuck outta here this year and not go to Tennessee. I don't wanna put up with that shit. Again with the organs somewhere. No, no, no. Hawaii. Somewhere close. You don't want to get lost during the holidays either. I don't want to be that asshole at the plane. We got. We're here for three days. There's a snowstorm.

[C]

If you can't.

[B]

If you can't make it, you got.

[A]

To be back here by the 26th or the 20.

[B]

I was going to say there's no way you're going to be at. At the airports around you every year. You know, we never left LA during Christmas, specifically because you're not going to the goddamn airport getting caught, okay?

[A]

And she wants to get the fuck.

[B]

Where else do you want to be in around Christmas time than Miami beach.

[A]

With Jews with Cubans, okay? And I'll tell you what, just so you motherfuckers know, because if you don't know, now you know. Ready? JSX now flies out of New York City, and they fly direct to Miami, ba boom. For 380 fucking dollars or something like that. So if you're stuck, you don't have to go to Newark no more. It's a little airport in New York City. Look it up on your website. They just started fucking doing it.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

No, you don't have to go to the city, motherfucker.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Nyc, they're flying direct. Only like two or three fucking places, but that's where they're starting. They got a lease there for till next June or something like that. I'm praying that they go to Tennessee, so I go to Tennessee with them. You know what I'm saying? Jsx. That's how white people travel, all right? And it don't cost you an arm and a fucking leg. You pull up with your car, they sense you. You go on the fucking thing. It's only 34 people on the plane. And the planes are halfway. They're halfway full. Three times I've flown them. Everybody flies from Vegas to California, Burbank, that shit Southwest, That's. Yeah, that's ice, people.

[C]

It's in New York. Maybe that was the place where Epstein's plane was going out. Going down to Palm beach, because that was going out of New York. I don't even think that was going out of Titoboro.

[A]

I don't know what the fuck is doing about that world. Do I want to know? That doesn't involve me, dude.

[B]

To be honest, I was surprised that you were even considering coming.

[C]

Joey always goes away between Christmas and New Year's.

[A]

Never once.

[C]

Never once has he gone away in Jersey, right? You have, right? Then you go to Tennessee a couple times.

[A]

Tennessee one time, but I came home the next day.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

That's why.

[B]

That's like. I'm doing it in right in the city. It's going to be super easy. There's tons of parking nearby, people.

[A]

I'm not. I'm not mugged before.

[B]

All in one.

[A]

Finally you get beat up with a tuxedo all in one place. Listen, if you call me and say you got beat up with the tuxedo, it'll be you. I would be so happy.

[B]

Oh, thank you so much.

[A]

I would be. This I'd be blowing.

[B]

This wedding is going to be so easy. It's all in one place.

[A]

It's going to be.

[B]

It's nothing but good food. There are a couple things to piss you off, which is going to just like even if you're not there.

[A]

I just know a lot of foreigners. So I understand the week between Chris. Oh, shoes are mandatory. No.

[B]

Yeah, we have sandals for you at the door.

[A]

No covered shoes. Covered shoes. No open feeling. You killed me.

[C]

The week between Christmas and New Year's is like the busiest week in New York City. You try to go in New York those days. If you're driving our wait at each tunnel. Everybody's coming to New York. It's all. It's all tourists. Between that with that week, the city is packed.

[A]

I'll take an Uber to his wedding. I'll take an Uber to the. I'll drive up to Edgewater Weehawken, take the ferry over. I'll be out there with those penguins out there freezing. And that's what I'll do. I'll shoot right over. I'll go over, take like a gentleman. I'll sit on the fucking thing and once I land in New York City, I take an Uber straight to your little fucking entourage party over there.

[B]

Oh, I can't. I'm gonna. I'm gonna talk to the in laws and, and have them do the. All of the Indian stuff we're going to have. We're going to put like Hannah on your arm.

[A]

Listen to me. That's when I walk out and I tipped away and I go, good night. And you know me, dog. They I ain't much into saying goodbyes. You'll be sitting in the middle of Diwali national anthem and I'll be over Di's right now. I don't know.

[B]

And I'll be sa.

[A]

Mubarak told my Indian people, listen Samarka, I'll be in an Uber on the way back to the ferry. I showed up, I did my job. Listen, there you go.

[B]

Leave the envelope and that's all that matters.

[A]

What envelope? December 27th. I'm showing up tapped. I got bunny rabbit ears, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

No, we got security at the door making sure you got a good.

[A]

You're gonna have fucking curry and shit. Goat. There might even be live animals there. Like coming to America. The out of here.

[B]

We're gonna kill an animal right at roasted, right on the street. It's gonna be great.

[A]

It was just. I don't know, I was. It was just. Listen, man, I lived in the suburbs, in la, and those weren't suburbs. They were just make believe houses with people with fucking dreams with the wrong intentions. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why they're lost. They got dreams, but they got the wrong fucking intentions. They're trying to do it to hang out with Billy Idol and jump up and down with people at premieres and shit like that. I just wanted to not be a felon, make money and get the fuck out of there, you know? And I like it here. I really do. I like. It took me a little time to adjust. I went through some anxiety, I went through some mental issues, you know what I'm saying? But I started eating edibles again and everything started working out my life.

[B]

When did you stop eating edibles?

[A]

I took a little breather. You did?

[B]

Not for like what, an hour? You. You always say, oh, we're taking a break, and then I call you six minutes later and you have edibles.

[A]

I'm bored. That's what you do when you're bored, Lee. You get like. Saturday night I talked to somebody and if I had heroin, I would have done it Saturday night. Just a little taste, right? Just to get me out of the house and go somewhere for a drive and maybe cut somebody off on the nine or something like that. What do you.

[B]

What do your friends think of Joey, like, when he comes over for football and then he leaves?

[C]

Well, first of all, why one friend? He didn't even. Joey gave an edible last super bowl, he didn't even make kickoff. He had to call his wife to get him to drive him home.

[B]

Really?

[C]

He's been there every year, 12 years in a row. Kickoff was 6:37. By 6:10, he was out cold. His wife better pick him up. He didn't even make kickoff.

[B]

Oh, what did the wife think? Was the wife pissed off?

[C]

No, she knows. And then my older brother, his wife had to tell him. He's like 65. He's like, listen, you can't be doing that Joey Diaz stuff. You're. You're staggering around, you're almost. Almost fallen down the stairs. What are you doing? You're not 20 years old anymore.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah, Joe up.

[A]

The other guy, Costco. Yeah, I him up one day, opening day.

[C]

You did?

[A]

Yeah, he just laid down.

[C]

He laid down. He didn't move for, like, to the. It was through the 1 o' clock game. The 4. The 4 o' clock game and the night game started. He got up in the first quarter, he was down for like seven hours.

[A]

And the first season, Jimmy cut a deal with me. He goes, just, just bring goodies for the guys. Don't, don't, don't, don't worry about anything else. So I would bring gadgets and they would lose their fucking minds. And there was one guy kept putting those ABX tablets in his fucking soda and his beer. Oh, yeah, like 10 of them. They would.

[C]

Because he came over the first week, he goes, that guy's a fucking problem. He needs to calm down. I'm gonna dose him next week. We need some peace in this, spaceman. And he was dosing them. Oh.

[A]

Listen, man, I hadn't been. You got to remember something. What Jimmy does on Sundays is a. Is a forgotten thing, because in la, people did it. But think about it. When I first got to la, it was that manager that did it, that had the house on Sundays, playing Wiffle Ball or something. Yeah, like everything was fake, but they were all trying to run jokes by the guy and shit like that. I never showed up. And then there was somebody else who did it, but he was a celebrity, so you had to go over there.

[C]

And Jimmy Kimmel used to do it, too. Jimmy Kimmel used to do it, too.

[A]

Yeah. I never hung out with that fucking freak, you know, hang out with those creepy people and shit, right? But, yeah, you know, there was somebody else who did it. But then I went to your house that first Sunday and I was blown the fuck away because nobody gave a fuck. Racial slurs. You think she sucks dick? You know, like every announcer, she's dead. And they got three TVs going like Puerto Ricans. One over the bar, the big one. And now they got a little one down below so you could catch that third game. I mean, you can't write this shit. Sandwiches, pizzas, cookies, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Every week is a new disaster. Every week I go home shit in blood. White Castles. Fucking John brings McDonald's cheeseburgers. 50 of them. You're going to eat one. McDonald's has a special thing in them that once you buy them, it's not pulling in. They don't get you to pull in. It's once somebody buys them and says, I brought McDonald's for everybody. You're like, I'm not going to eat those. And after about an hour you're like, fuck, I'll take a Big Mac. And you feel bad about yourself, but it ain't that bad. And at least you didn't drive into the driveway.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Nobody caught you on the. They have a bunch of. They have a bunch of surveillance pictures.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Of Lee in the old days with a mustache with Chinese eyes and shit. Me want the cheeseburger.

[C]

Yeah. It's like he brings over like 50 on the first week.

[B]

That's awesome.

[C]

I warned Joe, I said, joey, there's a couple guys that are out of control. He goes, I grew up with guys, don't worry, it'll be fine, man. They could say whatever they want. I remember you left and I, I walked you to the car and I go, you have a good time? He goes, he turns right, he goes, I haven't seen like that in 50 years. All those guys are dead.

[A]

Raw.

[C]

Raw, right?

[A]

Yeah, it was raw. In the second week, a guy came out of the bathroom naked.

[B]

What?

[C]

He chased Joey, got him so up. He got naked and was chasing Joey around the basement naked. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

I have a picture of his ass on my phone to this day. I love him. He's Jewish. He's a trip. You met him?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, there was that guy.

[C]

Yeah, it was that guy.

[A]

Yeah. Crazy.

[C]

And then I remember you said to you called Rogan like a few weeks after you're here. He goes, I was just in Jimmy Florentine's basement. A 56 year old man just chased me around the basement naked. This is where I need to be, Joe. I'm around my people.

[A]

It was such a fucking. You know, you go to these comedy football like I never went to comedy or anything. Because everybody's trying to funny everybody. Yeah, I don't want to hear jokes. I want to come see the fucking football game. If I want to hear jokes, I'll go for your jokes. You know, you just want to be natural and that's why your house. I'm very natural. In fact, I don't say dick. I go off for a little while, I fart because I'm the king of the farts. I'll fart by people and shit. I'll blow their fucking wigs off.

[C]

That's great.

[B]

You have a couple of those McDonald's cheeseburgers and then just fart.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Those McDonald's cheeseburgers sit through your fucking stomach. You blow those out of your ass way later, when you least expect it, when you like the other. When I did those deadlifts. Yeah, those deadlifts. The first one, when I put a down dog, I had to walk over, and all of a sudden I smelled something. Oh, my God. Whatever was in my stomach for two weeks is starting to come out right now. And then I started doing fucking on the pull. You know how they have the bar.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That you push up? The Symmetric bar. I started doing sets of 10, and I saw a guy walk behind me. He started looking around. One of those Sunday guys with the thick mustache and the glasses. I could smell it. It was pure shit. It was pure shit. I had about six minutes left in the workout. I did those kettlebell swings, a couple yoga fucking stretches, and I got in that car and I zoomed home because it came out in one chunk. You understand me? I didn't have to wipe it. It just came out like a fucking dragon. And with that. DraftKings wants to talk to you about the NBA season. Let's take a bump here. We'll be right back. All right? Uncle Joey here. Listen, I'm excited. The NBA season tips off, and so does DraftKings newest fantasy game. It's called DraftKings. Pick six is the easiest way to play for big wins, with every possession giving you a shot at real money, AKA Dore me. This is how you play. Just pick more or less on two or more stats. You with me? More or less on two or more stats and. And unlock the upside every game brings. Pick six is now available in Texas, California, Missouri and beyond. New DraftKings customers, I'm talking to you right now. You can't miss out on this. New DraftKings customers get 50 bonus picks with just a $5 entry on your first pick set. Who's better than you? Nobody. Don't have to watch basketball. Just. Just cash in. Download the Pick six app now and press in code. Joey, that's J O e y. Put $5 and get 50 in. Pick six bonus picks make the call. Ride the upside. In partnership with DraftKings. Pick six, where the crown is yours, Jack. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Happy Halloween.

[C]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-G GAMBLER Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non withdrawable pick six bonus. Picks that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See [e-mail] promos we're back, Jack.

[A]

You know, Jimmy, you know what the best thing about. I'm happy to be back in Jersey. Like, I'm really happy to be back in Jersey. Like, now I'm enjoying Jersey for, like, when I first lived in Jersey, I didn't leave this area. I didn't leave this fucking area. This is it, Jack. This was as good as it got. This was utopia. But now I get to see other parts of Jersey and I go to these different places. Like, we went to a softball game in Newark and George was telling me that Belmont Tavern was over there. You know, that's like an historic fucking restaurant. You know, they got great little places like that. Listen, everything I was going to do in New York City, I did already. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I went to the best concerts. I went to the best fucking knickkaves. I went to see the Rangers and the Islanders on like a Thursday night at fucking, you know what bands didn't I go see? What bands didn't I see that was small in a little place. I saw a prince at a little place. One of those riches with Sheila E. For 20 bucks that'll never happen again. Like, shit like that. So in my world, like, what use do I have in the city? I go over there. I went over there last summer. This summer I went over there and got a hotel room with my wife, Mid Manhattan. And it was great. I liked the park, but that's not the city I remember. I like it, but it's fucking quiet. It's quiet, guys. It's fucking quiet. Quiet on a Friday night. Unless you go to the Village or, you know, by the comedy clubs or something like that.

[C]

But yeah, she got an oldie outgrow it too.

[A]

What am I gonna do? They go to a club at 62 and make believe I'm cool. You know, I'm over here with Leah. Vip.

[B]

I'm always at the vip. You know, where I went this summer.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

I've never been a big concert guy, but I went to see a concert at Jones Beach. Yeah, on Long Island. That was cool, right? On the beach.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And they had, like, comfortable chair. It was a great experience. Goo Goo Dolls. Yeah, that was her thing. But I. I don't know anything about the band, but the, the place, it was like literally right on the ocean. It was cool as. Yeah, I Know you don't like who.

[A]

I don't like him either, but it's fine sometimes. Don't talk about those things.

[B]

Listen, you want to go see Billy Island?

[A]

Don't talk about those. I didn't go see Billy.

[B]

Yes, you did.

[A]

How? When?

[B]

Sometime in la. You didn't go?

[A]

No. Why would I go to. Here's what I'm saying.

[C]

No, if. If your daughter wants to go see a Billie Eilish or a Taylor Swift as a dad, you take them.

[A]

But.

[C]

Right, you know, to go to Google Dolls without any kids involved. I'm just saying.

[B]

80 years old, they're your guys's age. I don't know.

[A]

Sit there and hold her and make believe like you're that couple from that got busted. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

That was us. Yeah, but it was. It was cool. I've never. I've never done anything like that.

[A]

New York has a ton of cool things. I'm not saying that. Well, I'm saying that for my demographic and for what I'm into right now. There's no use for it anymore. I like that it's there. You love that it's there. It's right fucking there. It's right there if I want to get to it. There's a thousand ways to get into the city. Helicopter, jet, fucking. I can even find two Japs that'll take you over there with those rickshaws, you know what I'm saying? In the fucking handicap lane. This is New York City, dog. They'll get you in there.

[B]

You've been obsessed with rickshaws for the entire. You have to get a rickshaw this year.

[A]

I got to get a driver. And that's rough right now because people got sensitive feet. You can't just do a rickshaw with sneakers on.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because that's not tradition. I want. People want to see you run on the fucking. On Route 3 with fucking. Outrun that fucking right off that ramp. That little Japanese guy with a bowl of rice, me whipping them. Go, go, Chino.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

Anyway, thanks for making this. Now, this podcast, definitely going to be 25 and over.

[B]

What did I say? I said I went to Jones beach to see a concert. You're the one talking about Japanese guys with no shoes.

[A]

Jones beach to see. You know, maybe you get the Google.

[C]

Dolls to play your wedding.

[B]

I would try to. They're fun. They're expensive.

[A]

What is the song you're playing at the wedding? Come on.

[C]

Yeah, what's it name? Is that their song?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know about.

[A]

Come on. Come off it up.

[B]

I. I have no idea what song we're playing.

[C]

What's going.

[A]

They just put a gun to your head. All right. This is a song we're listening to. Some people gonna. Come on.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we're having an Indian band.

[C]

What's the wedding song gonna be? Your wedding song?

[B]

I have no idea.

[C]

Come on. You know.

[B]

I don't.

[C]

So you don't have any say in that.

[B]

I don't care. I don't give a. About music.

[A]

Go for stranglehold.

[B]

Stranglehold. I don't think that's a. That doesn't seem like a. That doesn't seem like a wedding song.

[A]

Just fucking argue from the gate. I'm not getting married unless Ted shows up. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I think the Indians will love Ted Nugent. I think the Indians. Whatever. The Indians and the Jews would love a Ted Nugent.

[A]

The more Indians you say, the less chances I'm going to show up. Okay, somebody but had a picket store out of all these Indians something. Because I'm gonna hit the number that night. You know what I'm saying? I believe it's 604.

[B]

I'm putting.

[A]

You better let those Indians know.

[B]

Dude, we're not even having. We're not having assigned seats. Except for you. I'm putting you in the middle of all the Indian side.

[A]

No, you're not. Because right there is why I disappeared. I just. I'm going to take like a hat. Just so you know. I'm like. I'm like Hannibal Lecter that night. I'm just going to leave a little hat. Maybe even spark a joint and leave it there. Have burnt. So you see the smoking? Like, what happened to him? Smoke?

[B]

Jesus. We're having almost no dancing at the wedding. They're going to lift us up in the chairs for the Jews. Have like one dance and that's it.

[A]

That's going to be happening.

[B]

What do you mean? What's not. You're.

[A]

You have to lift me up.

[B]

You have to lift me up.

[A]

It's you. Listen. That's not happening. I got a bad back. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Look what happened when he did the squats the other day.

[A]

Yeah, I don't need that in my life. Hysterical. What's wrong with these people? I need this.

[C]

You got to do a chair.

[B]

I know you have to. That's the only reason I'm getting married.

[A]

That chair. That chair is breaking, dog.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we're getting a reinforced chair.

[A]

And I'M in on the break. I'm suing too. I'm suing. They're going to be lawyers, Indians. Everybody's there. Everybody be there. Dog, if you get hurt, that wedding, that's going to be tremendous. They got lawyers and half those fucking Indians are doctors. Going to be great rubbing your feet.

[B]

And pharmacists, huh? And pharmacists. Yeah, I got you covered from A to Z.

[A]

All right. One of them better been some Vikings.

[C]

You're gonna break the glass, too. Step in the glass and break.

[B]

I'm still off.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we're suing. We're doing. We're doing everything.

[B]

Holy.

[C]

Dude, are you gonna get high before your wedding? You're gonna take.

[B]

I know he's gonna try to get me to get high.

[C]

Who is gonna be high?

[A]

You.

[C]

During his wedding or before doing the vows and stuff. You gotta take one during the day.

[A]

If he gets married, he'll get a beaten. He'll get beat up at the wedding. We'll get thrown out. Well, who did this to you?

[B]

No one beat me up.

[A]

Who did this to you? Oh, this.

[B]

This is a. This is a new one.

[A]

Can you imagine if this motherfucker goes?

[B]

He's 100 pounds.

[A]

Who's gonna get you? Remember the night he was front of the camera like this and he was just going from side to side like a fucking pinball machine?

[B]

What? Here. When you give me 500 mil.

[A]

Yeah, it wasn't 500.

[B]

Yes, it was.

[A]

It was 110.

[B]

Go back, tape. It's a 500. You always. It's just 500 milligrams.

[A]

Let's pull this.

[B]

No, I gotta drive back to Massachusetts.

[A]

That's okay. You need a little drive in your car.

[C]

It won't kick in for like a half hour.

[B]

Yes, it will. And I have a four hour drive.

[A]

This is a squirter. This is 150.

[B]

A squirter.

[A]

Yeah, this is a good one.

[B]

I'll take whatever you want next week. I can't take any tonight.

[C]

What are you going to take one the day of your wedding though, before.

[A]

Probably a little something already he's come back. I'll take one next week.

[B]

Yeah, I got to drive back to Massachusetts.

[A]

What an embarrassment.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Unfucking believable.

[B]

Meanwhile, your car is 8,000dents. It's always in the fucking shop. Because you keep taking those things and you drive by sound and see what happens.

[A]

Once I got to do with the price tags.

[C]

What do you mean?

[B]

What has it got to do?

[A]

Because that's the reason you don't even take a nibble. You know what I'm saying? You let them mad no matter how much I take.

[B]

Even if I took a nibble, I'd get yelled at for the load.

[A]

Nipple. Something for the doctor or something.

[B]

What doctor? Jesus Christ.

[A]

Something to make the ride go a.

[B]

Little easier, like antagonize your friends or see nice to your friends.

[C]

No, I mean, you know, they just take them. Yeah, they go, okay, no problem. I'll take it.

[B]

There's 15 years of me taking it, and no matter how much I take, it's never enough.

[A]

You believe this? This is every Monday.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

A story and a half.

[B]

What story?

[A]

Drive. I'll take it next week.

[C]

Right. There was a time right there a few months ago, Lee stayed over. He didn't even make it to the hotel around the corner. He passed out of your house, didn't he? You gave him something.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

He didn't even make it to the hotel. The Hampton Inn.

[A]

Oh, that's all the time.

[B]

No, no, no. That was one time. I forgot about that. Yeah, that was funny. I came over and you. I think it was. It was like, during. Like the time when I was, like, on the deep in the diet, had nothing. You gave me edibles and mushrooms. I had a hotel room and didn't make it to the hotel. I didn't even.

[A]

I walked in. He walked you so high with a piece of pizza.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

There's a Chinese woman working behind the whole.

[B]

She hated me the whole time.

[A]

And Lee walked past it and then walked back and he opened up the pizza and he's like, you want a piece? She's like, are you crazy? He told me the next morning, no wonder they hate you over there.

[B]

Oh, they hated me because I was there like 18 times. And this one woman, I've never had anyone at all, I was high. As it was the first time I came to visit you. Steve Simone got a. The place I was this weekend. He got a tomato pie. And, yeah, I was being a gentleman, offering it. And yeah, looking back on it, I was slurring my words and fucked up. So I can understand why she didn't want some pizza.

[A]

But.

[B]

And she never. She was working there the whole time. She hated me every time I came to that hotel.

[A]

Very nice. You know, Jim, what's funny, that we're older now. We grew up in this fucking armpit. You know what I'm saying? Like, we grew up here. Like, this is. I was gone for a long time, but now I feel like after Five years that now I see it for what it is, you know, I don't have to use Waze as much because this guy always asks me, how'd you get here? I have no fucking idea. I just pressed it in the fucking car. And it tells you the best way, if there's an accident, whatever the fuck. But it's just so fucking weird that we're here. I always knew I wasn't going to stay in California. I always knew that there was no way I was buying a house in California. I went and looked at like two of them. Me and my wife were like, no fucking way, we're getting out of here. Especially once we had the kid, you know. It was all about the fucking kid, man. Yeah, everything else is background. I did what I had to do. Nothing else was going to happen. I was dead 23 years. Well, what am I holding on to?

[C]

Yeah, I never even rock. I would just go out there for like a few weeks or a month at a time during pilot season and then go, yeah, I just never. And I didn't like it.

[A]

I was there five years too long, right? I should have left there right after that Netflix thing. I knew that that was it. It was that said I had done what I was going to do at the store. I was having the best sets in the world. I'm happy I stayed to the pandemic, but I'm just happy you said, yeah, I'll get you a realtor. And the rest was fucking history, dog. No games, no nothing. We just went to work.

[B]

Did you make your sister in law give you a little piece of the commission?

[C]

No, no, no, but. But I'll never forget, I didn't see Joey for like 15 years.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

I know. We just weren't running in the same circles. And I was at the con at the Comedy Store one night and I was in the. The belly room and Joey was on the show. Me, my manager Jonathan watched him. I never saw a guy kill like Joey kill for 20 minutes. It was on. Just went up there like a fucking maniac. Had that comedy, it was on. I never seen anything like it.

[A]

And you would be pooped after those 20 minutes, right? You get off stage and go, what the fuck was that? I felt like a kicking dummy, like somebody was kicking me for 20 minutes straight, right?

[C]

And you said you had to go, you were there. Then you went to the main room, then you were, you know, the original room. And you'd have to follow like killers like the Leah in his prime and guys like that bar and stuff. Like that. So you're going after these monsters.

[A]

The first six months that I went back, right, it was fucking school. Just following Ali Wong one night, I was like, holy shit. Yeah. I went up there with Ricky Dicky jokes after Ali Wong. You're not going to do too good. You know, it was an education. It really was the best education I ever gotten. But it's funny. When I first met you in 97, I asked you where you were from. You said, Jersey. You told me Old Bridge. In those days, that was like telling me Transylvania. I didn't know where the fuck Old Bridge was. I knew Hudson County, Bayonne, Vineland, you know. But I asked you where you lived at the time, and you said Weehawken. And I was like, amazed. Like, I'm like, this motherfucker's got it. He lives in Weehawken and he does comedy in the city. That's fucking genius. And then years later, I saw that you were on Howard Stern. I was blown the fuck away. I was like. And then you were on Ozzy's Boney Yard, which you still are. It's crazy. You're still fucking on there. That's fucking tremendous.

[C]

Like, 15 years now. Yeah, No, I used to live right on Gregory Avenue. That was the last street. Right before going down that, down to the tunnel, down the Lincoln Tunnel. So I used to take the little Jitney bus into the city every night. You know, a$. They'd let you off in the middle of it.

[A]

That's when it was manageable.

[C]

Yeah, they would let you off in the Lincoln Tunnel if you wanted to. As soon as you got in traffic outside, you got the tunnel. Yeah, get out. Let me out here. And they just let you out. The problem was you had to wait for that bus to fill up at the end of the night at like, two in the morning when I was done by spots. You're sitting on it. There's three people. And I'm like, come on, just go already. You're just waiting for a bunch of other Spanish drunks to show up so I could fill that bus up and take it back. But it was fucking awesome. I was right there. I needed to be that spot. And that was Another place was $900. We had three people living in the place, 300 bucks each.

[A]

It's just so weird that I missed a boat. I always wanted to come to New York, but then I got involved and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then once I got here, I'm like, I'm not driving into this city every night. There's no way I was doing.

[B]

You've never been in the city at night.

[A]

Can you believe that shit? I know, it's back. I've done five shows in the city. Those places at Sony Hall. Right. But beside that, the two nights I went in with my wife, I walked around like a dodo bird. And I've been in there in the daytime a few times. But it's. It's funny that, you know, for years we would tell stories on podcasts and shit like that, and people would, you know, pull you aside, or pull me aside and go, where the fuck did you grow up that you had that type of lifestyle? Like, what you failed and I failed to tell these people is that home I go to on Sundays to watch football. These guys have known each other since they were six or seven.

[C]

Yeah. First grade.

[A]

First grade. You don't see that that's real. He's got a friend that was a bouncer in a village and wrote a book. The guy's one of these guys that's a tough guy. I could tell. He's kind of smart, you know, and he's got a good heart for you. And this is one of those guys that if you get into a beef, he'll die for you. If he loves you, this type of guy, they die for you. This ain't no guy in Hollywood that goes to kickboxing class at six in the morning. He eats kickboxers for lunch. Tell him what he told me the other day when we asked him what his fighting record was.

[C]

He was a bouncer in the village for 10 straight years.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

At this place called the Red Lion. I said, kevin, tell Joey what your record is. Fighting and fight. He said, 227, 94 and 2.

[A]

I love.

[B]

He kept track of everybody.

[A]

Now there's people who, you know, they're lying to you.

[C]

He ain't lying.

[A]

I. By looking at this guy, you just know he's. He's the last of those guys that, you know you're not going to talk to them about toxic masculinity, you know, because he's going to knock you. He doesn't even know what that is. He's another guy. I gave him a joint. He said he was high for two days.

[C]

Yeah. He said he couldn't go to work the next day.

[B]

Yeah. You're not fighting anybody after one of Joey's joints.

[A]

But it's just crazy when you meet these guys that are real. You're meeting people that are fucking real. This is a real guy that gets up and took the bus over there and drank from the morning. He was telling us he would start drinking the morning and I had to work the doors. And when you meet those kind of people, and they're real, these guys aren't. This isn't fucking St. Elmo's Fire. This isn't one of these Hollywood movies. This isn't Ocean's Eleven with George Clooney. They're all friends and they all hang out because they really don't. They really don't. When you go down to that basement on Sundays, you feel it. You're like, okay, I'm somewhere. I don't know these guys, but I do know these guys. I grew up with these guys. One guy's yelling racial slurs, the other guy's talking about the Giants. The other guy, two guys in the back talking about property taxes, you know what I'm saying? And you sit there and go, wow, where I came from, this would have to be acted out. Those two idiots in the back will be talking about the script they're going to sell. These two homos over here are talking about how they're not homos, you know what I'm saying? These, you know, everybody's talking about whatever project they have and how busy and how much money. Well, we're going to go with the Diaz's and the Askalises to the Bahamas next fall. You know, my uncle knows the captain of the fleet, who gives a fuck?

[C]

Like, would this ever happen in la? You'd be at a football party with all those people in the business and the female sideline reporter comes on the screen and you just. Nine guys, right?

[A]

I don't come in the face. Yeah, she an Arab. Oh, look at her. Look at her pussy.

[C]

I let her shit on me first. And then I would eat this shit before I make out with her. Would you, Would that, would that happen?

[A]

No. And when I listen, I'm going to tell you who I felt like because I want you to think about this scene. There's a scene in Goodfellas where fucking, it's notorious, you know, he shoots spider. But think about what happens when he shoots spider. The guy that gets frozen at the end of the locker, remember? They. They show him. They. His good guy. I knew that guy. Towards the end of la, he died of cancer, God rest his soul. And his brother is this. Look at poor Lee. Anyway, listen to me, Lee, I knew that guy.

[B]

He died of cancer, God rest his whole body.

[A]

Yeah, but what was I getting that I forgot? The edibles are kicking in.

[C]

We were just talking About? Yeah, about, you know, talking about those kind of guys, reporters, those kind of guys. And you're saying you knew that guy, he reminds you of.

[A]

Oh, okay. When they first. When the first minute I was there and they all yelled and said all this, like, I was in culture shock. First of all, it's the middle of COVID They had all the windows closed and these motherfuckers are yelling. I'm like, I'm going to die tomorrow. Okay, This. I would count how many people in there. Yeah, 12 people. This ain't going to be good tomorrow. But that's positive. And then they yelled and all this shit, and I thought, after they killed Spider, they go take them to the fucking doctor. And the guy they hang goes, yeah, it's a good foot. It's a fucking good party. I'm having a good time. And they all like, it was a good time. Somebody got shot. Now it's a party. Now I know where I stand. Now I know you know what I'm saying? Like, now I know my boundaries. That first time I heard that after leaving L. A, that's what it felt like. I was like, oh, shit, I'm with the right people. I'm in good hands. There's beers, there's everything. Booze, fucking every type of soda. Jimmy provide. It's a fucking family thing. He's got three other brothers, and sometimes the sisters show up. Food from everywhere. Every week there's something there. And where the fuck is that gonna happen? Unless in la, if somebody's got a script and they're casting it, then we'd all be there. Let's go see Jimmy. Jimmy, who'd you decide on by halftime? He's there. Somebody's all work, dog. Oh, shit. I'll tell you what. I went to one super bowl party in la. I can't say his name. He was at this party, and guess what he did. Jimmy. In fact, let's take a dollar bill, see? Who could guess what this motherfucker did at a Super bowl party in Hollywood? They invited me out of the Comedy Store, right? The guy is from Jersey, he lives in Jersey today, and he was part of the super bowl party. What do you think he did? There was like an agent there and they were all kissing his ass. What do you think this guy did at halftime?

[B]

I have a guess.

[C]

With a dollar bill.

[A]

No, no, we're gonna bet a dollar bill. Oh, better then nobody could guess what the fucking guy did at halftime. Shut up.

[B]

2, 2, 3 has their headshots.

[A]

4. You're the closest so far.

[C]

Okay, Put out, put on a videotape of maybe as his act or set or something like that. Or maybe his.

[A]

Yes, this like brought his stand up set and snuck it to some girls and he made the girl, halftime go, let's put this in.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

People like, what's this? And the guys in the back, like, that's a football party in la.

[B]

Guys, was it good? At least.

[A]

He lives back in New Jersey.

[B]

He's not retired.

[A]

No, not at all. But trust me, it was that. That's the thing. Everybody's going to be seen this. Nobody cares if you fart, if you scratch your ass, if you. There's a kid who used to go there would just drink Coca Cola's 12 or 13 Coca Colas every Sunday and.

[C]

Then he would just crash.

[A]

Little retarded kid. Yeah, we lost him. He's. He's in college now, right.

[C]

And then he would just crash and he couldn't even move on the couch.

[B]

Were you putting edibles in the Coca Cola?

[C]

No. And then he would just like. And he wouldn't say anything. And then he'd get all miserable and mad like it really him up because he couldn't drink Cokes at home. So he'd just be guzzling them.

[B]

Hysterical.

[A]

And the guys would count him. Look, he's on his eighth one. And he'd be popping another one. Doug. And you're like, what? The guys. It was always. It's always something, but it's real, it's organic. And that shit just didn't happen for a long time. And now I go, I'm always busy on Sundays. I go for the halftime, just see what Miami's doing. If Miami's losing by halftime, we gotta go because it's all over already. I don't want to see Jimmy sad. I like Jimmy when he's happy, so. But he's not even getting sad anymore. It's that type of season.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

His son the other day was already going, yeah, we got a chance. 6 and 7 with a wild card. I'm like, I didn't want to look at him and tell him, come here, son. You need a hug. You need a hug.

[C]

Yeah. He doesn't realize.

[A]

Even Jimmy didn't buy into it. Jimmy, I don't know about that one. Remember, he hasn't gotten a concussion yet.

[B]

Tua.

[A]

He's playing well. I don't wish him bad. But it's coming. He's going to play. Oh yeah, it's coming. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

No question.

[A]

Game eight, Game nine. When they got a little bit of hope, he's going to get hit. He always does. And that's it. And then Miami's got to figure it out after game nine. I don't wish Tua. I like Tua. I became a fan. I bet him every Sunday, just out of respect. Because I'm going over there. I don't go over there and cheer against them. I'm family.

[B]

Do you lose every Sunday?

[A]

Huh? You lose every Sunday, like a gentleman.

[C]

Because this year.

[A]

Yeah, because I'm with family. It's out of respect. I know they're going to lose, but this week, we won. I won, you know, 48 on 25.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

That's it. I don't bet them in any parlays. I don't include them in nothing. You bet them solo, and you just go, fuck it. A little something for the Florentine family, just so we're all in this together, because there's some motherfuckers that go over there and cheer against the host. They don't know that when I was growing up, if you did that, you get smacked in some places. But there was somebody in particular who did that in front of me one day in front of my mother. She cheated against the Mets. That was not bueno. My mother went up to him, took the fork out of his fucking. Oh, my God. Yeah. In the old days.

[C]

Yeah. No, I tell my son that when you go over someone's house. Yeah. You keep it quiet.

[A]

I don't care if it's the worst team in the world. Yeah, you go with the host. Everybody gambles on the hole. You go with the host. That's respect. You don't beat these people today. Well, my favorite. Shut the fuck up. Your favorite player isn't playing till tomorrow. He's probably on the IL list, you know, but, no, that's the way it is. Jimmy, just for the fucking record here, tell him the wrestling story. For you fucking people at home that don't understand the depth, you know, I'm trying to break. I got to break some news out. Not to the podcast. I got to break it out to my family soon. But it's going to show you the levels of torture that I inflict. Everybody's still waiting patiently from my piece of masterpiece that I've done, and they're already crumbling, just like I predicted, the scratching. They're knocking on the door. It's crazy because we see it coming a mile away. And it's great when you get surprised, but then you're like, this motherfucker doesn't understand. I'm from Jersey, and now I own him. I own him in a different way. Not financially, not physically. I'm gonna own him mentally. Well, I'm gonna dip into his or her fucking mind and just fucking run my fucking gamut. Because people have done it to us, and it's like, okay, I see it coming, but now we're better at you at this. Tell them what you grew up in. I mean, you grew up with seven people in your house yelling and screaming Italians. But tell us the wrestling story for the record.

[C]

My dad would take us to Madison Square Garden for a wrestling match, and Bruno San Martino was the champ at the time. And they had him make. He was the champ for, like, 12 years because all the Italians in New York loved them. And they couldn't change belts because he'd fill the Garden. He'd pack the Garden every, Every. Every month, 20,000 people. All the Italians from New York would go see him. So Vince McMahon, Sr. Said, Listen, man, we can't. You can't give up the belt, you know, because Bruno wanted to retire. He's like, we're not going to sell out the Garden. So my dad was one of those Italian guys. I was 12, 13, 14, taking me to Madison Square Garden. You had to be four. I think you had to be 16 to get in because there was blood for some reason. So you had to be 16. I didn't have an ID, obviously, so I would wear my mom's belt. I wear bell bottom pants and wear my mom's platform shoes like KISS wore. She had the big platform bucket. So I look taller, but I cover them with the bell bottom pants, you know, just so I look taller. So they wouldn't go. This kid's not 16. Because my dad said, listen, if you can't get in, I'm leaving you at Penn Station. I'm going in a match, I ain't coming back home. So I said, I dressed up like a fucking. Basically like a woman to go watch. Go watch men in tights fucking wrestle. How am I not sucking to this day? I don't understand. So there was a guy out front that would sell wrestling pictures. He was always in the same spot. He had a photo album. He was a wrestling photographer, so we'd always go to him. I said, you know, I'd save up, like 10 bucks. He'd sell him, like, a dollar piece, so I'd buy him, you know. And then at one point, he goes, hey, give me your phone number. Because I go to all the other matches. Outside the Garden, Nassau Coliseum, Baltimore. And I could tell you who won these matches because you didn't know, you know what? They weren't on tv. So he started calling me and he's like, hey, man. Superstar Billy Grant. And he breathing heavy on the phone. And I'm like, why are you breathing heavy? Because I just came in from a jog. I'm like, all right, that sounds logical. Meanwhile, weigh like 350 pounds. He wasn't jogging anywhere, so he must have been jerking off on the line. Why? You know, my, my 14 year old voice was coming in, you know, it was just changed at the time. It was getting nice and deep, so must have did something to him as he told me who won the match. So then at one point, my parents let us go to as we park convention hall by ourselves. We're 14 years old. There's like six of us. Take the train down there. That guy. It's close enough. We don't have to go with you. He's in the front row because he's taking pictures. So in between a match, we're all the way in the nosebleeds. He comes up to all of us. He's like, hey, I got two seats. Who wants to come down the front? And so we're like, front row. He's like, yeah. I go, I'll go. And he goes, and you too, Mike. We were both the kids with blonde hair and blue eyes. So we get down to the front and all of a sudden there's only one seat. And I'm like, I thought there was two seats. He goes, no, one's mine. I go, what's. Well, how's this going to work? He goes, well, someone has to sit on my lap.

[B]

Oh no.

[C]

And I'm like, this is weird. He's like, yeah, well, it's one's mine. So someone's going have to sit on my lap. And I'm like, I'm not doing it. My. My friend Mike's like, I'm not doing it. But then all of a sudden, they. They're starting to match. We see Andre the Giant coming out and. And he's like five feet from, like, holy. I'm like, all right, bucket, I'll sit on your lap. Oh, no, I wasn't going back to the nosebleeds. Andre was right there. I'm 14 years old. I see him 7 foot 5. So I sat on his lap and he's holding me like we're on a motorcycle, you know, in case I fell.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

And at one point During a match, he nibbled on my ear. And I go, what the was that? He's like, sorry, I was looking that way, it slipped. And I'm like, that's weird. I go, mike, you sit on his lap, I'm done. I go, that I'm gonna. So then Mike sat on his lap and he started holding him like that. Yeah, I threw my friend out of us. So. Yeah, I still want to see the match. I'm not leaving. But that was a little weird that you nibbled on my ear. I mean, it did feel pretty good, actually.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

So then at some point cut to a few months later, my parents let him stay over a house on the weekend because he knew all the kids in the neighborhood because we'd all go to matches. My dad would take everybody. So he knew like six of us. And my parents thought it was weird. Like a 39 year old guy, why would he want to hang out with 14 year olds? Like, all right, well, whatever. I met him, it seems like it's okay. So he comes in from the bus from New York City. Lived in New York City. Friday night, comes in late and he goes, hey, can I wake up Jim? He's sleeping in our guest room. My parents like, no, he's sleeping. He goes, okay. I wake up in the morning and he's got his hand down my pants, my underwear, I mean, my pajamas. I had little PJs, you know, and a little hole in the front. He had a stun through it. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm showing you a magic trick. I'm like, a magic trick? He's like, yeah, no, no, let me keep it in there. It's a magic trip. I'm like, this is like, I'm gonna go tell my bro, my older brothers, because they were on to him, they thought he was weird anyway, and he blocked the door and he's like, listen, I got my photo album. Here is 30 pictures. Whatever ones you want, if you don't say a word. I go, 30? He's like, 30. I go, okay. So I sat through that, took out 30 pictures. He goes, you're not gonna say anything? No, I'm not gonna say anything. As soon as. As soon as he moved away from the door, I ran. Told my brothers. They fucking dragged him out. He was holding onto the door, they dragged him out, put him in the car, and they dumped them off at the bus stop. And like, by hitting them over the head with those big newspapers, like six in the morning, you know, the Star Ledger was In a rap, hitting them over the head and beat the out of him and sent him on a bus back to New York.

[B]

Yeah. I was gonna say, Wally, I love how this is Joey's favorite story. And like most people would still be in therapy over this. What is going. Oh, my God.

[C]

I didn't notice. My brother Bob, who's older than me, said he goes. The night before, he came in my room and he tried to kiss me, and I punched him in the face and I. I gave him a black lip, a bloody lip. I. I didn't even know that. He told me that years later.

[A]

Black lip. Don't throw him under the jail now.

[C]

And I found him on a sex offenders website. He lives in Thailand now. He was in a sex event.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah, about eight years ago, I found him. He was still on this. Still there. But I told this story on Howard Stern. I had 15 people email me from around the country said that's the same thing that happened to me too. We did that with me. He did this. I stayed over. He did. We'd be wrestling with me. All this. It was a huge story, people. A guy even sent me. I got to show you, Joey, next time you're back. I still have a picture of the guy. I have a picture of the guy. The guy sent me the picture because he'd write us letters, too. I really like you. And you know what the worst was? There was one of the worst. There was one that Ivan Koloff was always wrestler. And he had the. He won the belt for like nine days. He had it. And he had that picture goes. This is really rare. It's gonna be a. Worth a lot of money one day. And I took that one out of my 30 and I looked it up, and it was worth 9 cents. That lied to me. 9 cents. I solved the pictures, too. Yeah. Yeah. I got a guy. I have to keep them.

[A]

You know, there's a guy on Facebook, but I. I'm friends with him and his wife and his wife signed up for my Patreon before we fucking kaput. It just fucking disappeared. I don't know what the fuck Patreon did there. What. And I've tried to. He's a big shot now. I mean, he was a North Bergen skinny, fucking scrawny kid, and he ended up with a big position. I don't know how. I mean, I'm not mad at him, but he was across the street. He lived across the street from me. And when I first moved to that neighborhood, he was younger than me by a year. Or two, I hung out with somebody completely different. Even though he lived on the block. But he had a hot mom with a great fucking ass. And she wore little glasses. Blonde with curly hair. Did you eat an edible?

[B]

No.

[A]

You look fucked up. It's like cough medicine.

[B]

It's a bunch of Dayquil.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you know, that's the house. It's still there. I'm giving that a terrace. And they had a side door and they had like a back apartment. And we had the same thing. We had a guy that lived back there that we'd be playing, and he'd just walk in and out with his newspaper and he had a leather jacket and he worked in the city. Good guy. And then he started coming outside and talking to us. And then one day, we were at that age where we wanted questions, but we didn't want to ask our dads. So we started asking him creepy questions about girls and shit. And he would say, come to the backyard, I'll show you shit. He would play a little porn for us and all that type of stuff. And then, I don't know. His name was Nelson and he had a black friend and they had gone to. What's that rock? It doesn't fucking matter. They went to some country with a rock. I'll never forget the Rock of Gibraltar. And they would always talk about the Rock of Gibraltar and shit. And we were talking one night and we're like, nelson, tell us how it is when you get a hand job and all this shit. He's like, no, no, no, no. Come tomorrow night at 8:00 clock. And come by my window and listen. Give me a dollar a piece. I'm gonna fuck my girlfriend. And you guys can listen.

[C]

He was charging you a dollar piece? Yeah.

[A]

And we all went over there the next night and sat by the window. And I'll never forget, like, we were at that age that we knew, but we didn't know. And the girl goes, give me Milk Daddy. And we fucking heard that and ran like that was ill. She goes, because he was about to jerk off in the mouth, right? Wow. I didn't see it. The taller kid, right, telling us always he's fucking in the ass. And he was like, coming, the poor kid. You could hear him breathing.

[C]

Evans, right?

[A]

He's on Facebook, too.

[C]

Give me Milk Daddy. That's a great line.

[A]

The chick said, give me milk Daddy, and we fucking ran. It must have been four of us under the window. Dressed up, right? Yeah. We thought we were gonna get pussy and. And then we torched him for A while. I never knew what happened to him. But, you know, I thought about it, like, before I started writing about it. I'm like, let me fucking dig deep, you know? And I call. I hit that kid on Facebook, and I go, do you remember him when we were kids? He goes, I knew my mom rented it to somebody that was a bartender. I just don't remember him at all. And I'm like, fuck. I wish he could tell me that the guy got arrested or. I don't know what happened to the guy. But it was interesting having him there until this day. I can't. Not till the end was when he would come out, we'd play football, and he'd come out with a robe and no underwear on. And that's.

[B]

I love how at the beginning of this podcast is you pitching me moving to New Jersey. And it's great to grow up in New Jersey.

[A]

Listen, this is New Jersey, 1975, Lee. Where, you know what? Nothing was really going to happen because you had neighborhood kids. We wouldn't. We backed each other. I never went back there alone. And he was right off the street. If anything happened, you would yell one time, like, that's how we knew when he was fucking the chick. We could hear it. We could hear it, you know, so you could hear what was going on. It wasn't toward the end when we thought something was weird about him. And that was when he came out to play football with a robe with no underwear and sneakers on. And he fucking.

[B]

He had sneakers on, too.

[A]

He had sneakers on. And he went up the middle and somebody tackled him, and his dick came out, like, end the story that said, no more football today.

[C]

It sounds like the same guy.

[A]

Yeah, but it's crazy. I like, you know, I talk to all these victims, and I. And I'm not, you know, saying you talk to victims, talk to the victims, but you read their stories, you feel their pain, you watch their YouTube videos and you go, you know, man, I'm very grateful. And one time I was such a basketball head. I was probably in the eighth grade, and somebody said that St. Michael's opened up. It was like when we used to get a foot of snow, you know, nothing. The buses. The number one bus shut down. They only had one bus. You have to wait for two hours for the bus to come around. But we were into basketball. And I remember going down there with a bunch of kids, but they all lived in fucking North Bergen downtown. I still had to get up to, like, 38th Street. I remember being out there for 45 minutes, freezing. And all of a sudden a guy pulls up and he goes, hey, you want to ride up? How far are you going? I go, see us? He goes, get in. And I had a basketball, I put it between my legs. I'm freezing and shit. And right by, we got close. He goes, so you play basketball? And he went to hit the ball, but he hit my cock. And I just fucking froze, Jimmy. I didn't know what to do. I'm like, oh, this is no bueno. And he goes, where do you live? And I go, fuck that. And there was a God, because the door just opened. I still remember just running out, hitting Sears and then running in front of him and going into Schutzhum Park. And in those days, I knew Schutzhum park in and out. I was up there all the time getting chased by the butcher, the guy who cut meat and cooked. We didn't want us in the back, so I knew all the nooks and crannies. And I still remember him pulling in and going, hey, where you going? And I fucking just darted, you know, I didn't call the cops. I just went home. I didn't tell nobody. He didn't do nothing wrong, right? No phone, no fight. He went for the cock of death. He tried. I ain't mad at him for that. Look at the shape of Leah.

[B]

That's a fucked up episode. What do you mean he didn't do nothing? He grabbed your dick.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, those are the times.

[A]

Listen, Lee, I was parent.

[C]

Parents didn't think like the priests were doing anything with the kids. They, yeah. Go camping with them for the weekend. That was normal.

[B]

A man of God.

[C]

In theory, yeah, but that's what they didn't think about.

[B]

Wrestling photographer in a.

[A]

And I thought about it. I, I, I never forget going home and going. Should I say something? In those days, if I said something that would make my mom put more security on me. And that's the last time I did. In the eighth grade, I finally earned that freedom from her. The I was allowed to go play basketball and go to movies with girls and little stupidity. If I would have told her that, then she would have put the grips on me. I want you at the Borrow all the time from now on. That works against the whatever, right?

[C]

And that's. I remember my older brother saying, hey, you better tell dad what that guy did. I go, no, because he's gonna make me give the pictures back. Yeah, I earned, I worked hard for.

[A]

These damn right pictures.

[C]

Fucking sat on the guy's lap you.

[A]

Know, did you ever finish that episode of that show with John Hamm? The show I told you about him burglarizing houses?

[C]

No, I didn't. I didn't see it. What is it again? I forgot. I haven't seen it yet.

[B]

It's on Apple. I haven't seen it, but I know what it is.

[C]

Oh, right. I don't have a.

[A]

You've got to watch episode eight when it wraps up. And he busted what this beautiful woman says to him. And every. It. It opens up every man's eyes because I watched it three times already. On what this woman said that she got out of high school and she was the high school beauty queen. And then she went to college and she got out. She couldn't find a job, so she got a job in a restaurant. She was the hottest waitress. And then one day she started having an affair with the boss. And her life was different. Then one day, the boss proposed to her and she thought it was great because now she had financial security and she could do whatever the fuck she wanted. But now she became the manager at the restaurant. They bought another business. And she just goes on about her life. And she goes, you know. Meanwhile, he's doing this and I have to live like this because it's protecting my children. So for years, I let this fucking slob climb on top of me every night and do whatever the fuck he wanted to because I did it for my children. It's a fuck. I'm telling you, dog, it's a like Glengarry Glen Ross is a good monologue. This chick does a monologue about life and she just breaks it down. What I did for my fucking kids and how this series ends will blow all your fucking minds. By the way, the fucking mayor of Kingstown is back with Lorraine, with the other chick, Tony Soprano's wife. She's running the prison now. Bam was tremendous last night. So if you don't know, now you fucking know, motherfuckers. What, Lee? What? What? Whatever.

[B]

The wrestling fogging story.

[C]

I know you want to see the pictures. Next time we go to picture where.

[B]

They at least signed.

[C]

You have to sit on my lap.

[A]

Celi, she's been trying to get me.

[B]

To sit on people's laps for 15.

[A]

There's action in the suburbs I like.

[B]

Doesn't sound good. It sounds like child abuse.

[A]

Let me ask you this, Jimmy. You do a lot of. You're always on Gutfeld, which is fucking tremendous. Yeah, I hear about it all the time. I watch it. I can't. I'm not political, so I can't. But you're always on Gutfeld, which is great. You're still on the road and you're still doing your thing, but it's not.

[C]

I can't ask for more. Raising my kid. He's good. It's all good.

[A]

We're not going to write, right? We're not going to rehab.

[C]

Not going to rehab. Not catching any. I'm just doing my little gigs.

[A]

Nobody invited us.

[C]

Sell a few. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Heartbroken you didn't get the 1.8.

[C]

I'm not in that. That chaos, that world. I don't want to be any part of it.

[A]

And we live nice and simple.

[C]

I already live that life. You live it, too. You know, when I was on Stern back in the day, 20 million people listening. Your business is on the air every day. You know, I dated a sidekick, so that was all going on. I don't like that, man. So I went through it. I already went through all that chaos.

[A]

You're done.

[C]

I'm done.

[A]

Now we're just waiting for fucking the Lord to take us when and when.

[C]

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, just ride it out.

[A]

When you're 60, it's a different game. You hope you have hope that you look like. I talked to my uncle the other day. Finally. 85. He's still slinging dick. I hope. I hope I knock on wood every day. He took care of himself at the end. He's living with cancer, too. He just goes to a vegan diet. He lived. No chemo, no nothing.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Where's the next weekend you're working at?

[C]

I'll be at the dojo. Mars Plains, December 26th. Oh, I can't go to Lee's wedding now. December 26th and 27.

[A]

He's getting married on the 27th.

[C]

Both nights I'm there to 26, 27.

[A]

So you're out, you say?

[C]

I would have went.

[A]

You can't catch this Now.

[B]

I'm definitely sending you an invite to get the. To get the present.

[C]

You take. You take bitcoin?

[B]

Of course I take bitcoin.

[A]

Lee, where you at this week?

[B]

Play this week? Wednesday I'm with you at the dojo.

[A]

Friday, Thursday.

[B]

Oh, it's Thursday now.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Thursday I'm at the dojo. Friday I'm at the Comic Strip for the comedy competition.

[A]

Are you gonna dress up? And making you dress up like something?

[B]

No.

[C]

This weekend, too.

[A]

Are you in Boca this weekend? Yeah.

[C]

Friday, Saturday, Halloween night and Saturday.

[A]

Oh, fucking Bo Katan like a motherfucker.

[C]

All New Yorkers down there. I Love them.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's a good little place. Retired New Yorkers, some of the ones that live there. We motherfuckers. Know where I'll be? I'll be at the dojo with them Thursday night. Stress factory's gone. November 8th, DC at the fucking MGM grand casino. I'm very excited. I'm gonna be down there a few days, fucking sightseeing. See, when one of the president got shot, somebody got shot down there, didn't they? It don't matter, but I love you motherfuckers. I want thanks Jim Florentine for coming on Lee Cyat, the Captain Kirk, the fucking Jewish Cato, the flame of life. December 27th wedding. You know what I'm saying? So hopefully Coin will leak the locations of the wedding so you could all show up and take pictures. And his wife would love to have you there. I love you guys. Have a great week. See you next week. Cocksuckers. Stay black. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joe here. The last place you want to find something scary is in the toilet. Keep everything tip top in the bathroom with Bioma. Bioma's blend of prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics helps restore a healthy microbiome. You're going to want to give Bioma a try and get things sorted out down there. Listen me, I pop two of those things, I'm Tip Top Magoo. You understand me? Everything is rocking smooth. Smoke comes out, forget about it. Stop waiting for your stomach to get better on its own. Get Bioma and get it together. It's not just about smooth. Regular digestion. Your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy, weight management and even lifespan. Take 15% off your bioma order. To get started, just click in the link in our show notes and press in. Code Joey J O E Y. Bioma will get you Tip Top Magoo in time for the holidays. Before you start stuffing your face, balance yourself out and take care of yourself. You want to be healthy through the holidays. Trust me, you don't want to end up like Uncle Joey in the hospital for five days. So go to Bioma again. That's code Joey for 15% off your order when you click on the link in our show notes. Happy Halloween, Sam.