Kick that mule Lee!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Kick that Mule Lee!"

Released on March 18, 2025

Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz and Lee Syatt
Podcast: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Description: Comedian Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt engage in candid conversations about life, comedy, and personal experiences from their live sessions in NYC. This episode delves deep into their journeys, challenges, and insights gained over the years.

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1. Episode Overview

In the episode titled "Kick that Mule Lee!", Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt engage in a raw and unfiltered discussion about their personal lives, career struggles, substance use, and the dynamics of the comedy industry. The conversation is marked by humor, introspection, and candid exchanges that offer listeners an intimate glimpse into the lives of two seasoned entertainers.

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2. Personal Lives and Updates

Transition from LA to NYC: Joey Diaz recounts his experiences living in Los Angeles for 23 years, highlighting the challenges and burnout he faced. Lee Syatt shares his recent move to New York City, emphasizing the significant changes in his life over the past five years, especially post-pandemic.

• Lee Syatt (15:15): "Luckily, I'm like, it's like a thousand times better than I would have imagined."

Family and Relationship Insights: Joey emphasizes the importance of family, particularly his relationship with his daughter, which has become a central focus in his life post-move.

• Joey Diaz (26:03): "That's my rose. That's my rose. Where am I gonna go?"

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3. Substance Use and Its Impact

Mushroom Consumption Debate: A heated discussion ensues between Joey and Lee regarding Lee's use of mushrooms. Joey accuses Lee of not properly dosing or being efficient with his consumption, leading to humorous yet tense exchanges.

• Joey Diaz (03:38): "I gave him two grams of mushrooms."
• Lee Syatt (05:48): "I've been taking at least not eight."
• Joey Diaz (05:09): "You're in training. You do that during the week."

Cessation of Smoking: Joey discusses his decision to quit smoking, attributing it to a desire for better health and being more present with his family. He reflects on his addiction and the changes it has brought to his daily routine.

• Joey Diaz (32:35): "I don't want to end up back in the hospital."

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4. Transition from LA to NYC

Burnout and Relief: Joey shares his feelings of burnout from the relentless pace in LA and expresses relief upon moving to NYC. He highlights the differences in lifestyle and the newfound comfort of being closer to family.

• Joey Diaz (20:06): "I was burnt the fuck out, and I had no idea what it felt to be burnt out."

Challenges of Starting Anew: Lee discusses the difficulties of establishing himself in NYC's comedy scene compared to LA, where connections and networks played a significant role in his early career.

• Lee Syatt (15:28): "I was in the same apartment for six years and I wasn't really challenging myself."

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5. Insights on the Comedy Industry

Industry Expectations and Realities: Joey delves into the misconceptions about how comedians gain fame, debunking the notion that platform appearances alone (e.g., on Joe Rogan) automatically lead to success. He emphasizes the importance of consistent work and skill development.

• Joey Diaz (51:37): "These are the same people that are coming to you in three years. I know what's going on in my business."

Control and Professionalism: A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the importance of maintaining control over one's material and professional boundaries within the comedy circuit.

• Joey Diaz (38:36): "But don't get on stage. I want you to fail, right? I want you to come with questions for me every week."

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6. Advice on Building a Comedy Career

Persistence and Resilience: Joey imparts wisdom on the necessity of perseverance in the face of rejection and the importance of continuous performance to hone one's craft.

• Joey Diaz (85:01): "You bomb because you suck. Go home, have a roast beef sandwich and come back tomorrow and let's try this motherfucker again."

Preparation vs. Overthinking: Both hosts discuss the balance between being prepared and not overthinking performances. Joey stresses the value of spontaneous action over excessive planning.

• Joey Diaz (59:42): "A mindset, if you really fucking think about it."

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7. Concluding Thoughts

The episode wraps up with Joey and Lee reflecting on their journeys, the lessons learned from their past, and the path forward. Joey emphasizes the importance of authenticity, continuous effort, and the unwavering pursuit of one's passion, while Lee shares his newfound confidence and the strategies he's adopting to grow in the NYC comedy scene.

• Joey Diaz (81:35): "If you're on commission, you gotta tell Mama we're not going to Parakeet Islands this year."

• Lee Syatt (79:30): "I have nowhere close to figuring out New York, but I'm further along today than I was in January when I really started."

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Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (05:07): "I eat everything quicker than you."

• Lee Syatt (15:28): "I was in the same apartment for six years and I wasn't really challenging myself."

• Joey Diaz (19:14): "But I was part of those fucking lineups and don't want."

• Joey Diaz (85:01): "You bomb because you suck. Go home, have a roast beef sandwich and come back tomorrow and let's try this motherfucker again."

• Joey Diaz (81:35): "If you're on commission, you gotta tell Mama we're not going to Parakeet Islands this year."

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This episode offers a candid and humorous exploration of the personal and professional lives of Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, providing valuable insights for aspiring comedians and individuals navigating similar life transitions.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you savages? Happy belated St. Patty's Day. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Tuesday, the 18th of March. The church new Testament is here. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. If you want the maximum out of your sex life, you need Blue Chew Max. It combines the active ingredients like Viagra and Cialis into one chewable tablet. Bam. This baby's going to get the job done for you quickly. It acts fast and it seriously lasts. And if that's not enough, Bluetooth's online service sends your ED meds right to your door. Nobody knows nothing. You talk to the doctor, he approves it in two days. And listen, in three days you'll be jumping up and down with a new margarita. You know what I'm talking about. Getting started is easy and totally online. You chat with a licensed medical provider and if you're approved, you'll get your prescription in just days. Guys. And listen, whether you don't have ED or you do have ed, no matter what, you're showing up with three guns. You follow me? She's not going to want. She's going to call you the next day. What'd you hit me with, Papa? Anyway, make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] and there's a special deal for the church New Testament family. You're going to get one month of Blue Chew for free. That's what I'm talking about. Okay? It's March. What is it? March, April? Forget it. You start now in March. By July, you'll be a savage. You understand me? So do yourself a favor. Go to Bluechew and press in promo code Joey, J, O, E, Y. And just pay $5 for shipping to get that party started, you understand me? That girl will be fucking jumping up and down when you get through with her with that Bluechew pill. That's promo code, Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Like, don't eat 10 of them. You know what I'm saying? Cause then you really fucking knock people out. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the show.

[Lee Syatt]

Welcome back to church.

[Joey Diaz]

We're back, bitches. It's a beautiful Tuesday to be alive. It's just me and Lee today. Just how you like it. You know, you guys, you put a fucking girl on here, you don't like her. You put a penguin on here, you don't like him. You know, you guys don't like nobody who's a penguin, huh?

[Lee Syatt]

Who is the Penguin?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know. I get emails. Why'd you put the girl. What the fuck? How many boys can you put on here? How much dick can you smell? You know what I'm saying? You gotta bring a woman to give it that fucking touch from time to time. I love having women here. Cause listen, I learned from them. She was great last week. Yeah, so was the Italian princess. Came in here and enlightened us. You guys are. Why does it have to be a girl on this show? Well, it's better than looking at a fucking guy all night, right? What the fuck is wrong with you people? But anyway, the co host tonight is the man himself. He was a little fucked up the last two shows, but I wonder why today. He went to a rehab, he went to a meeting, and he's making a strong comeback. I wonder why. What the you think this is? This is the church? This ain't no daycare. Yeah, we come here to get down. This ain't no. You know.

[Lee Syatt]

Why are you saying. I was like. It's like a big mystery why I was up. Like, I'm going around New York trying to find this shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I said, lee, I gave him two grams of mushrooms.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you did not.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe two and a half. Maybe two and a half.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, you send me pictures of a scale because I told you I've been taking 3 grams on the road for a year. I know what it looks like.

[Joey Diaz]

And it doesn't look time to break that three grams. It's time.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, then tell me. Don't say I'm taking a gram when I know I'm taking 3 grams.

[Joey Diaz]

Then last week was the best. We got him on a timer. Now whenever we give him a much timer, there's no timer because it is the biggest store. All of a sudden he wants to tell you stories.

[Lee Syatt]

No, he didn't want to tell.

[Joey Diaz]

He looks around, I'll give him a cheeseburger, he'll wolf that thing down. Okay, give him a mushroom. He's looking around.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I think anyone watching this would wolf down a cheeseburger before.

[Joey Diaz]

Last week we brought the meatballs from special. The meatball kin out in Rutherford. This fucking guy. I go get a piece of bread with a meatball, just put the mushroom in there. What does he do? He's sitting there cutting the meatball, putting.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't cut a meatball. I took one piece of bread, I put the mushroom underneath, and I put the meatball on top.

[Joey Diaz]

Every week. Just now, we gave him two little pieces. Two little pieces, three pieces. Chocolate.

[Lee Syatt]

Guys, listen, my lawyer's here.

[Joey Diaz]

I ate the fucking 2 grams and the chocolate before him, and that's a fact. He was still over there looking around, dropping it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, because you eat the mushrooms dry. Because you've been on that hospital.

[Joey Diaz]

Jewelry, fucking sweaty hands. You know what the fuck you think is gonna happen?

[Lee Syatt]

I never said that. You don't eat mushrooms quicker than me. You do eat mushrooms quicker than me.

[Joey Diaz]

I eat everything quicker than you. But when it comes down to a cheeseburger, you fucking beat me. Or pizza. So thank you. And I told him, I said, listen, you want to eat the mushrooms with no drama? Put it in the pizza and fold it.

[Lee Syatt]

Where's the pizza? I don't see any pizza.

[Joey Diaz]

When we have pizza, you're like, I don't know. And then he eats these 25 milligrams when he's not in the fridge.

[Lee Syatt]

That's all they sell. You can't get. All right, no, hold on. You tell you every week, take edibles. Take edibles. And the strongest they sell in the between Massachusetts and New York is 25 apiece, maybe 50. I've been taking at least not eight.

[Joey Diaz]

He takes them with his girlfriend. They rub each other's back.

[Lee Syatt]

We don't rub our back.

[Joey Diaz]

And they watch some fucking movie on Lifetime or some shit.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, Lifetime has some good programming.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't tell me we got no Lifetime here. We go for the kill here, Lee. This is the kill shot.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but I'm also out every night.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't go out fucked up every night, dog. Yesterday I had a half a chocolate bar. I buy those GMO things. This is Syringe. I can't smoke anymore. So I went to the weed store a couple weeks ago, and he goes, joey, if you can't smoke, put the syringe in with that GMO indica.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, rso.

[Joey Diaz]

Holy shit, that's good.

[Lee Syatt]

I just had that dog.

[Joey Diaz]

I've been putting it on that Mom.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't wait to hear this.

[Joey Diaz]

Last Tuesday, it was like 70 degrees out. I sat there from 1 to 5. My wife left. They went to do a thousand things. They came back. I was still sitting there. She's like, you're enjoying the sun, huh? I go, I'm too fucked up to get up. What? Enjoying the sun. I'm fucked up, dog. I was fucked up out there. Just in my little rocking chair. The cat kept coming out. I would pet him and then he'd go in. Then he'd come out. Daddy, come back. No, I'm too fucking high. I wanna see the devil that's training on a Tuesday.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, okay, that's great for you. First of all, I have a day job. Second, which I would is fine. But I also. I'm out on the. Everyone. You keep telling people I'm not home by 9:30. 6:30.

[Joey Diaz]

Mama gives you cookies by 9:30.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ. 9:30. I haven't been home at 9:30 in six months.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm back, I'm home now it's 9:30.

[Lee Syatt]

9:30.

[Joey Diaz]

He lives a good life, this.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, clearly I do live a good life, but I'm also not home at 9:30. He's taking 5 milligrams. I am not.

[Joey Diaz]

Last night, yesterday I didn't do Friday night and do Saturday. So Sunday I woke up, I go, I'm going deep. Today I went to the gym, I did this thing. I ate a half a bar with that. I put the whole syringe on. I'm up to the whole syringe. And I just.

[Lee Syatt]

How long has it been? A week?

[Joey Diaz]

35? Just one big fucking squirt. I ate that chocolate. Let me tell you something. Then I went to my buddy's and I brought mushrooms with me. And I ate it with a corned beef sandwich with the cabbage. I was fucked up last night. I woke up this morning, I couldn't even talk, I was so fucked up. And I got right back up, washed my pussy. And I got out there before I went to the dentist. I went to the gym, rode the bike. I was a little dizzy from the thc.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When I got to the dentist, even my friend said to me, joe, you look a little out of it today. And I told. I grew up with it, so I don't have to lie to her as I got up last night.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, you really. This is for everyone who doesn't know. This is what they give cancer patients. And how long is that tube supposed to last?

[Joey Diaz]

Two days.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it is not two days.

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever.

[Lee Syatt]

Second of all, this is why you have such a high tolerance.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't give those to cancer patients.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, they do give. That's exactly what it's for. This is why medical marijuana exists.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I won't get cancer.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm way out of the silver, okay? So you gotta beat the cancer. So why let it get to you? Then you're gonna start doing the tube. Beat it now.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, this is not to beat cancer.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, what do you bring cancer up for?

[Lee Syatt]

Because it's.

[Joey Diaz]

You're kiss a fucking duck now.

[Lee Syatt]

You're gonna blame me if you get it.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but I'm just saying. Who brought cancer up? You did. Cut.

[Lee Syatt]

That is true. I'm very sorry.

[Joey Diaz]

Unfucking believable. Just eat the fucking mushrooms.

[Lee Syatt]

And they've been gone for half.

[Joey Diaz]

We might eat some more just to show people how slow it takes. That's what we'll do. He wanted to do a video tonight of me doing a reaction to some black guy eating a rat. I'm not doing it. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

It really wasn't gonna be that.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. I'm not doing it. I'm gonna have a. We're gonna do a video tonight after this of how long it takes Lee to eat.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not eating more mushrooms.

[Joey Diaz]

Why not? It's one more little tiny.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, one more little tiny.

[Joey Diaz]

Watch how long it takes them.

[Lee Syatt]

Takes me a while.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't like that. And salt.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, it's honey, which he never brings in.

[Joey Diaz]

Last night I brought honey last night.

[Lee Syatt]

I knew you were gonna say this, you broug mushroom honey.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

You're the only person in the world who gets high on edibles. And then it was like, I have the munchies. Oh, let me eat some more edibles. No, I don't. You don't? What do you. What do you. Look, that's fucked up.

[Joey Diaz]

We're in training league.

[Lee Syatt]

You can't keep saying that.

[Joey Diaz]

For what training dog? 8, 9, 10 years? Because we're in training. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen. What if. Well, any day now, Russia is just going to kill Ukraine. They're running out of money. That's almost over. And I'm not enough with this Ukraine shit. It's big bank. Eat little bank. We've been doing it for 2,000 years. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Well, how much? Well, let's say if they get Ukraine, right, they're going to come up to the fucking Jews next. What if they catch you? You want to be trained? What if they.

[Lee Syatt]

If they get all the way over.

[Joey Diaz]

Here, they start shoving you with edibles?

[Lee Syatt]

Listen, when. When Russia reaches the US Borders, I'll take as many mushrooms as you want, all right?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, don't come crying to me because they're gonna be giving me mushrooms. I don't feel nothing. I'm like Netanyahu. You could keep fucking sticking it to me, cocksucker, but you're gonna be there. Wayne, I need a cheese cracker. I need a half a meatball. No, there's no fucking meatballs in Gaza, okay?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, because they don't have pork in Gaza. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

I gotta live with.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, I'm so sorry.

[Joey Diaz]

On a positive note. You're so sorry. By training. Training means we're marines. We're not in the navy. We're not in the Coast Guard. We're not in the army. We're fucking marines. We go in there first. So that's the deal. We're the ones that go in there and get blown up and lit on fire.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm pre lighting myself on fire.

[Joey Diaz]

Sure, why not? You're Jewish, you know, you gotta be prepared for the unexpected. You gotta be prepared for the unexpected. Look at all the Jew hate going on in the world right now. You don't know, you might be walking down the street in one of these.

[Lee Syatt]

You keep saying that. One guy keeps messaging me. You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet?

[Joey Diaz]

You're getting hit in the head.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to get hit in the head.

[Joey Diaz]

One of those college students from Columbia that hates Jews, all of a sudden, all of a sudden he's gonna have three beers in them, he's gonna clock you in the head with three of his little faggy friends. And don't come crying to me the next day. That's all I'm saying.

[Lee Syatt]

I apologize.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know if you people have been paying attention. I've been paying attention to this because it really. It's a fucking great question to ask yourself today. Basically, the 14th was five years since the pandemic started. Today was official. When they shut everything down five years ago. New Yorkers are going crazy. No. St. Patty's Day. You're done. Go drink at home. You know what I'm saying? Go drink and puke at fucking home. Same difference. But it's crazy. That's been five years ago now. I'm not here to talk about Fauci or the pandemic or the shot. I don't give a. But it's so weird. Like, I want you guys to think about five years ago, how much your life has changed since then.

[Lee Syatt]

It's crazy. Like, take the pandemic. Yeah, it's. My life is completely like. If you had asked me, if you told me this is what my life would be, I wouldn't have believed you. It's completely different. There's almost. The only thing that's the same is this. And everything else is different. And it's. I'm not gonna say not everything's a better. But at least for me, I'm very like. Luckily, I'm like, it's like a thousand times better than I would have imagined.

[Joey Diaz]

What were you going through when they said everything shut down?

[Lee Syatt]

We were living in la. I was, I have no idea really what I was, but I was close to £300. If not over it, over it. Oh, well, the thing is when I know. Well, I don't think so because by December of that year is 336. So between March and December, so probably close.

[Joey Diaz]

The pandemic killed us.

[Lee Syatt]

But I was single. I wasn't very, I wasn't very happy. But the weird thing is like, I thought I was, I didn't think I was unhappy. There were parts of my life that I wasn't happy with, but I didn't think like, like the, like this is probably the happiest I've been that I can remember in my adult life, which is crazy. But like new comedy was. I was having a blast at comedy, but honestly, not. I, I wasn't tired of it, but it was just, I was really only doing open mics and that can get a little bit old. And I was single and living in la and yeah, it's. My whole life has done like a complete 180.

[Joey Diaz]

How has your mind changed since then?

[Lee Syatt]

Well, it's kind of hard. I, I have like two different minds. I have like a stand up mind and like a personal mind. My personal mind. I feel like I've gotten stronger. I've had some, some good and bad happen that like, I feel like I'm definitely stronger, but I've just. We were talking before the podcast started about experience and it's just until you experience certain things, you don't know how you're going to deal with it or who you're going to be. And like moving like this move that I did over the last six months has been like a lot of good and a lot of bad and a lot of like, just not easy. Like, it's not that my life was easy in la, but it was a lot more comfortable.

[Joey Diaz]

Really?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, we did, we did the podcast twice a week. I had. It was. I was in the same apartment for six years and I wasn't really challenging myself, I guess.

[Joey Diaz]

No, we all got comfortable.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And I like, you know, the weight loss, you can say I joined a gym two weeks ago, which I would have now. You begged me for years to do that and I never would.

[Joey Diaz]

I just went to a class looking.

[Lee Syatt]

I went to two classes I went to the yoga class, which I thought was going to be easy. Turns out yoga is not easy. And then I went to a class the next day that made yoga look really easy. But I, dude, I can't tell you to take comedy out of it. How happy I, like, I don't know if anyone else watching this can relate to it. And it doesn't have to be New York, but for me it's New York. For me, New York has like always been the place I want it to be. And so for me, like, like, I'll just like, like I'm going to be. I was waiting at the train station yesterday before set and like there was a band playing in the train and this is. You're gonna make fun of me, but like I got, I teared up a little bit and I, like, I'm not really a crier but like, I don't know, man, just. There's something about if, if 16 year old me saw where, like where I was like, he would be really fucking excited for what. And I don't know how excited he would have been looking at 31 year old me. You know, it's, it's been pretty crazy. And it's crazy because it's a lot changed in five years, but it's also been like the last year has changed a lot, I think for both of us. So I, I mean, I'm a completely different person.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, Last week I was thinking about like, fuck, it's the same as the year the pandemic. The 14th was on a Friday when I got the call, they were shutting down the movies and the store and all that. And then Monday it was official. And I remember when, you know, you guys are gonna think I'm fucking crazy. I was doing four theaters a weekend, right? Two podcasts, four fucking planes. I was trying to raise a daughter and I was fucked up. Three quarters of the day, fucked up. Had a Bulls getting up at seven, doing 18 bong hits. It was just too much. And it was, you think you're happy, you're picking up money, you're doing stand up, your sets are good. The store was fucking at its best ever.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I'll never forget the day they said like, we're done. And like, I just was like, thank fucking God. And they were like, yeah, I might open up in June. Not for me. Like after like the third day, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And I knew I was leaving already. I knew this was the perfect opportunity when I came back here to shoot The Soprano movie. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in la? I really was. I would come over to eat at night over here, and I would be home by 9. I would go, what the fuck am I doing in la? And then I went back and that pandemic hit, and I was like, thank God. And they would call me like, do you want to reschedule your dates? And I'm like, leave me the fuck alone. I'm not rescheduling shit. Call me when this is over. Oh, well, it's gonna be over in September. You better be prepared. Then they kept calling you to go to Florida and Texas. Cause they were wide open, like, two weeks after the pandemic. Like, yeah, go to Texas. Agents are calling you. I guess Pennsylvania was doing comedy. I'm like, guys, I don't think you heard me. I ain't going nowhere. And they were like, fucking getting pissed.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh. Cause I was like, they're like, what do you want to do about these dates in July? Do you want to keep them? Do you want to reschedule them, cancel them? And they're like, what do you mean? I go cancel them. Give them their money back. Don't reschedule. And then I moved in August, and I remember that I went to a party. This is already open. Not full, but it was kind of open.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And I went to a party at the Florentine's house. And the sister goes. She goes, I was there last week at Parks Casino, and they still got your flyer up. You're going on next week. And I was furious. I went home and called the agent. I go give them their fucking money back. Whoa, you're there. You must knew. Give them their fucking money back. I got so uncomfortable during the pandemic.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you really.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I was uncomfortable. I was irritable. I didn't want to hear it. I was sick of living in la. Like, I was just done. Like, I was done. Like, for me, the pandemic was a fucking godsend.

[Lee Syatt]

And no part of you and Parks is a different story, because it's a big deal and it's like a big place. But, like, no part of you, like, wanted to get on stage just to, like, get that out of your system.

[Joey Diaz]

I was burnt the fuck out, and I had no idea what it felt to be burnt out. And I was burnt out emotionally, physically, and mentally. Like, my body was done. The anxiety was up to a different level. I was popping the Xanaxes and the Xanaxes were giving me anxiety.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they were like fuel. It just bounced. It's called the bounce or some shit. And it was. I couldn't focus. I could not focus. I still remember Ari coming to the house and me going, when is this kid gonna leave? Like, I can't have me. I can't. I couldn't have people in the house. There was no fucking way I could have people that close to me.

[Lee Syatt]

What was fueling the anxiety or the burnout?

[Joey Diaz]

The burnout was 10 years of not stopping, dog. I didn't take vacation. You know me, dog. I'm not one of those guys that we're gonna stop now and take a 12 day vacation to Hawaii. First off, it ain't gonna work out for you. Cause I see everything in three days. After three days, if I didn't see it, we'll catch it next time. I ain't got time for 12 fucking days. You know, that was my mentality. You know, I'm a basketball guy. If you're not practicing, somebody else is.

[Lee Syatt]

Absolutely okay.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're on the beach, Ha ha ha, for 12 days, there's a motherfucker out there that's practicing all day and you're down there hanging out with Flippa that works for three days for Uncle Joey. I don't drink. You know, I don't drink. So after like one drink, the sun hits you, I get a migraine, that ship sailed. You go to the water, you know, you see some people, you go to a restaurant. Time to go home, I gotta make money. You know, that was always my mentality, right? I don't understand. People go on vacation. I never understood it. We ain't got time. Because I don't want to hear you coming to me going, I don't know what's going on with my life, bitch. You went on two vacations. You went on two vacations for 18 days. One for a fucking wedding for nine days. Who the fuck are you? My main thing was like, who the fuck are you to go on a vacation when you got a million dollars? Then you go on vacation. Cause you don't have to worry about it. But you go on a vacation, by the eighth day, you're like, this is going on the Visa card. And I just lost 10 days of work with my family and they're at Disney robbing me blind. Yeah, you know, that's all you're thinking about. But these are the same people that are coming to you in three years. I don't know what's going on in my business. Well, every summer you go down the shore like you Fucking earned it. Are you Johnny Bumby? You're not Johnny Bum B. You gotta work, bitch. You know, So I never understood that.

[Lee Syatt]

Has your mindset changed over the five years?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck no.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

I still don't want to go anywhere for more than three fucking days. I got shit to do.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Who's gonna sit there? You know, when you're 90, maybe you could sit there with your feet up like those dudes in a fucking Corona commercial. You, you know, Snoop Dogg and the white dude, they just. I can't do that.

[Lee Syatt]

But knowing what, you know, knowing that you burnt out. Do you wish you took. I'm not saying 14 days in the.

[Joey Diaz]

South of France, but I wish I would have. I would have taken time to smell the roses more, but that still didn't mean vacation. What do I mean by that? Is maybe going to a concert. A week at the Hollywood Bowl. I should have taken Dean Del Rey up for more concerts, maybe going to a couple sporting events. I should have done that, but I had so many people that cry in la. So many people cry in life. I never wanted to be one of those guys. Somebody offers you money, they offer you a $400 gig. Can you imagine? Ten years from now, you're fucking $400 short on the rent and you're like, I should have taken that gig. That's how I think.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you see Bill Burr special yet?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, bits and pieces of it.

[Lee Syatt]

Cause his whole thing, like a big part of it was like how he changed his point of view or his relationship with his wife. And it was, you know, it was interesting. Why I thought the special was really good, but, you know, changing your perspective. So, like, now that you're starting to do more, stand up again, are you gonna smell the roses more? Are you gonna do anything?

[Joey Diaz]

I have a daughter. That's my rose. That's my rose. Where am I gonna go? Like, you know, you have to be around them when they're young. You gotta be there, not they grow up like everybody else. Fucking half retarded. I don't know who my daddy is, you know, I don't wanna live through that shit. That's my biggest fear for how to have daddy issues. I lived in LA for 23 years. Everybody I met had daddy issues. And you could fucking see it. So that's my rose. Yeah, Spend time with her, but at the same time, you know, I was spending time with her before la, of course, I was always there during the week, on the weekends I was gone. And she told me, she told me when she was seven you gotta stop. And I said, you're right, you're right. Like right now I got shit people offering me. I ain't missing a softball game. Why would I? I don't want to miss a fucking softball game. Whatever you got to offer me. Because every time I'm at a softball game on a Saturday or Sunday, I always ask myself to check myself where would I rather be right now? And you act, you put yourself through scenarios. I'd rather be in a Chinese orgy, doing fucking, shooting up morphine and just sitting there with my mouth open. That sounds like fun.

[Lee Syatt]

That does sound like fun.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd rather be here.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

So that's how I feel. Like, dog. I can't sit in a hotel room all day on a Saturday ever again. Like, ever again. I did it for 30 fucking years. I did it for 30 years to wake up on a Saturday, have a great breakfast, take a walk around the town. And now it's 1:00 and your show's at 8:00, and you gotta sit in your hotel room or maybe go to a movie. And then you call home and my wife's out with the girls and they're jumping up and down, the kids are yelling, and you gotta sit in your lonely hotel room listening to these kids having a good time, right? So that was my smell the roses ever since they put me in a fucking hospital a month ago, two months ago, three months ago, I looked at my wife and I go, this is completely different. So I changed my perspective. This is completely different now. You know, I always loved my wife. I mean, you know, I like to strangle her sometimes, but I love my wife. 25 years, but. Yeah, you have. Yeah, you have to look at things a lot differently. But that shit I was doing in la, like I told you, my. I would go, I would. I would take it a boxing class or whatever, kickboxing. I get 16 calls in 45 minutes. I have to get up and go out and get. And for nothing. Nothing. You could tell me this shit later. Nothing. Once I realized it, I'm like, I'm not picking up these phone calls no more. Let them fucking call 80 times. I'm not picking it up no more. 16, 17 phone calls in 45 fucking minutes. Hi. You have a gig in two months. You wanna know what music you want? Listen, go, fuck you. They bother you, they fuck you. And then the agent's putting desperation in you. Oh, we got a gig for you. You gotta take it. Gotta take this gig. And I'm like, no, no, I Just. It just was something that. I just fell apart. That's what really happened during the pandemic. I just fucking fell apart. I was like. I remember still getting on stage here, it was an outdoor show.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know you did one of those.

[Joey Diaz]

I went out there and I see bats flying around this shit. Fucking. There's a fucking something moving in the weeds. And I'm like, I got up there and I had to look around the whole time you could see mosquitoes were biting me and shit. I'm like, I'm not doing this. I ain't doing stand up for a while. I didn't do it for a long fucking time. And then after I got back on stage, guess what?

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

Still didn't want to do it.

[Lee Syatt]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Couldn't even break through like a barrier of. Couldn't even break through. Couldn't think of material. Couldn't be funny, Couldn't even. Didn't even care. Then I stopped again for like another 11 months. I'm like, I'm not getting on fucking stage. I was done, guys. And I'm done now. Like I could. People offer me shit all the time. Movies. And I'm like, fucking. I gotta go all the way up there and do that and listen to that nonsense. And if it's like a high end fucking movie that I'm like, the shit in the movie. Yeah. Cause I'm learning something. But for me to do a movie, four fucking people I don't know and go away for four days, I'm not doing that no more. I just don't. I just don't, you know, if it's something exciting like Tom Cruise and I'm pushing him off a plane or something, right? Fuck, I would love to Tom Cruise, push that motherfucker off a plane. Oh yeah, and I love him. I'm just saying that's what I want.

[Lee Syatt]

To be the guy.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to do no fucking. They want me to go to Vegas to be a mobster. I'm not doing that. The second week of July, get the. It's 140 degrees, you know, And I gotta shoot. Fuck you, I'm not doing that shit. I'd rather not have insurance.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd rather not have insurance. I'd rather pay the money than have to put up with that. I want to do something that's cool, right? You know, stand up. Same thing. If you think I'm leaving for a Thursday to Saturday. You got rocks in your fucking head. I'll tell you. But I'm going to leave Thursday night after the show. Jesus. I'll know that once I start thinking about it, I'm like, I'm not staying here Friday and Saturday. I'm catching the first flight out of here in the morning. And that's what I. Cause I know me, right?

[Lee Syatt]

At least you do.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's what changed me. After the podcast, I got a little bit more patience. I wanted to be around my family a lot more. I want to be. You know, I was out there in the wild for 23 years with those savages. And there was a lot of people that I really had a good time with in la. And there was a lot of people who meant the world to me in la, but there was a lot of motherfuckers I didn't like a lot more than what I liked. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I liked a certain amount of people. I feel more comfortable now that I'm in Jersey, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And this is the comfort I needed. There was no way I was gonna pick up after LA and move to another state. That was not gonna happen. I was not gonna leave la. The only state I considered over Jersey was Colorado.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

But they didn't have no school the whole year, so I was like, I'm going back to Jersey. I can't take my daughter at home for another fucking year. You'll shoot yourself in the head. In the computer, in the back. Fuck that.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think if Colorado had had school, would you have gone there?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Whoa. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

But I think I would have been here by now.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Would it have been too much?

[Joey Diaz]

I think I wasn't ready to go and be a stranger again.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't want to be a fucking stranger in a land and start from scratch. No. I'm 60. What am I? You know? And I love that I live here now. Where I live is a little on the boring side, but that's how I like it, you know? The other night I heard something outside and there was a deer that crashed into my house. I'm like, what the fuck is outside in the yard? You know? And I enjoy that about it. And I enjoy my life now. I don't have much going on down there, which was a hard to go from downtown Studio City to just moving down there. It was rough, and I figured it out. And, like, ever since the first of the year, I haven't even been going out at night. I used to always take a ride. Now I'm not smoking dope, so I Don't even take that ride anymore. At 8, if somebody needs to call, if somebody calls me from LA and I got shit going on, I'll go, you know what, I'll leave here at 7 and that's 4 in LA and I could still talk to them about whatever they call me. That's the only time I'll take a ride. But I don't really want to hang out at bars anymore. I don't want to do anything.

[Lee Syatt]

How do you feel not smoking?

[Joey Diaz]

It was time. It was time. It was. She's getting older. Kids are starting to come over the house, you know, I smoke all day, guys, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm one of those guys. I don't know how to do it like everybody else, you know, I get up in the morning, I have a cup of coffee, I give it like 30 minutes and I'm sparking at a quarter to seven. Most people are drinking coffee and watching CNN. What's Trump doing today? And I'm already fucking out in the garage. Bang, bang, bang, right? And that's what lets me know what the day is going to bring. Like, as sad as it sounds, man, I don't know what I want to do. And now I'm not smoking. And again, I know what I want to do. And sometimes I just blast off with that syringe. I was going down there and buying one a day. I went down there the other day and bought like, hate him. I said, give me all of them, dog, because this is going to be a long week.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Sometimes I put them right on the mushroom. Oh, Lord.

[Lee Syatt]

I love. Yeah, you always act like you're sober. There's no sober.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no sober at all.

[Lee Syatt]

Which, by the way, these are starting to kick in.

[Joey Diaz]

Saturday, I was sober. Friday night I was sober, nothing. But Sunday, shit. It's the Lord's day. You gotta be ready on the Lord's day. You gotta be prime. I don't give a fuck about the rest of the week, but Sunday, it's just a good day to get fucked up early. Like 10 o'clock.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you miss smoking at all?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes and no. Because I'm addicted to this, you know, the fucking getting the bong and playing with your weed and, you know, going to get it and it's good and it's 38%. And you fucking dry it. You know, I have systems in my house. I have like the drawer when it's wet, then I dry it in here, then it gets promoted to the top shelf. And then I'll smoke it. And I have like four kinds up here, but I have three kinds down there. So I had like this little game going. Yeah, of course, now that little game is over with. Well, you.

[Lee Syatt]

Cause you did it. I don't know, 40 something years. 50 something years. You smoked every day. Do you ever, like, think, like, it, I'm just gonna smoke?

[Joey Diaz]

No. Because I don't want to end up back in the hospital.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't make any. Listen, I don't know if that's what it was, but I know that. I've been out of the hospital now for two weeks with no problems. I'm not gagging, I'm not choking. So let's blame it on the smoke for now. Yeah, in six months I might feel a lot different and shit. I gotta do what I gotta do, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

But right now. But who knows? I'm the type of guy that once you're off something for a while, just go, why am I gonna go back to it? I'm already off this for a month now I start this up again, which. And for me, it wasn't even fun anymore.

[Lee Syatt]

Right, exactly.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I had to go down to the weed store every two days and mix the weed around. And you gotta find them. There's just so much weed in Jersey. So you're looking at three stores every day. I'm looking at three different websites when I wake up in the morning looking to see who's got the best weed. I don't need that shit no more, man. I just. I'd rather put my energy into whatever the fuck I'm doing now. Right now I'm just trying to get healthy. I got a couple shows coming up and I want to do the best job I could do. That's it. I have nothing else on my agenda. Everybody else could suck my dick.

[Lee Syatt]

And how, like, how does it feel? Because, like, I'm trying to compare you to me or Even just you 10 years into stand up, like, now that you have all the power and all the control.

[Joey Diaz]

What power and control?

[Lee Syatt]

Because you can say, are you talking about. What do you mean? And I. Maybe not, but to me, in my head, you could call any club in the world and be like, I want to come in. Boom, boom, boom. I want to come in tonight. And you would never bump anybody. No, but you. At least for stand up, the world is open to you. The way that's the way I look at. I'm sure there's some clubs that might not like you or whatever, but like, to. I Don't like them exactly. But like to have that control and to be able to say no, like to, to say no to some things that I'm sure you 10 years in. Like what the are you saying no to?

[Joey Diaz]

This is secret to this. Here's the secret to this. And you're really gonna think about this. We've always had the control. We just never wanted to impose it how and as you like, I told you I had a rule after the third year of comedy, I don't mind coming into your club and showcasing, but I would make and I as you ever say something, as you're saying it, you know you're fucking up because I was saying it. I knew I was fucking up, but at the same time it was saving me six months of my life. And I would call people up and go, how you doing, Sean? Joe Diaz. Yeah, your friend. I want to come in and do a showcase. Well, I'll be there Sunday night, Sean. And I would say just like this, three years in, I'm going to come down there on a Sunday night, I'm going to showcase for you like a gentleman. When I get off the stage, is there somebody going to be there to give me a week work of comedy? Now that's two things. You're already putting a seed in his ear that I want a booking, you know what I'm saying? Like, this is tough to say to somebody.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And number two, I don't want to get off the stage after I kill and you tell me some story that you're gonna tell the owner, Right? You're just some hundred dollar a night manager. I'm not going to your fucking club. And they would hang up on me.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Some people tell me to go fuck myself, but I didn't give a fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

Saved you.

[Joey Diaz]

That little control thing was the whole thing that at least I got. Then they started with the other. Send the tape. How many tapes I sent in my life? 1. And it was blank. Fuck you. Yeah, we've always had the control. It's just we don't take it. And then we get pissed off when people walk all over us.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. I ran into a situation. I wanted to fucking yell at someone yesterday, but he's associated in a way maybe with a club that I want to work at. And they're not, right?

[Joey Diaz]

They're not, because they're bums and they're gonna threaten you and they're gonna say you'll never work here again. And by the time you're rocking and rolling, they're not even in the business? No, more like the people that were in the business in 1997 when I got to LA, that were laying threats. I'm a manager. I never saw them again. In 2008, they got into real estate. Into the dot com business, right? Yeah, they got into dot com. Everybody left in 99. Everybody got into that business. Not dot com, Whatever the fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, tech.

[Joey Diaz]

A lot of those people left. So these people are the ones that pull like, oh, I don't like when you come to the club and do that. That's control. Anybody who knows a comedian knows you. Don't tell me what the fuck to say. Cause whatever you tell me not to say, I'm gonna go up there and say it first. That's why you don't put no boundaries on a comedian at all. So when I'm walking into your club and you're like, oh, excuse me. I don't want no fart jokes or no poopy jokes, bitch, I'm gonna open up with a fart joke just to piss you fucking off. Yeah, okay. I saw this guy, Kevin Fitzgerald. Kevin Fitzgerald. You two guys are all young, except for George. Kevin Fitzgerald had a show on Animal Planet. He was a vet with white hair. I don't know if you guys remember. Old dude. That dude looks old. That dude will fucking take your throat out. He was in Vietnam. He's one of those crazy motherfuckers in Vietnam. Then he came back on the GI Bill and became a veterinarian. And then somewhere along the line, he became a comic. But before that veterinarian shit, he was the Stones bodyguard. He was on tour with the Stones when that shit happened. They got stabbed in Altamont and all that shit. Kevin Fitzgerald, you look at him, he looks a little weird, but that motherfucker got stories, and that motherfucker's dangerous. So in 1993, he was at the Comedy Works and he did a joke about, this is your brain and this is your brain on drugs. Remember, they used to be the egg.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

And when he got off stage, some big guy came up to him and he goes, bill Hicks is here and you're opening for him. Mr. Hicks said not to do that joke. Next time he opened it, he went back, thought about it, and he goes, fuck Bill Hicks. He went up there and did the joke. The muscle guy came up to him again and Kevin goes, I would have taken his fucking throat out. But Bill Hicks came up to him and said, hey, we told you not to do that joke, and you did it. You're on tour with me.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck. I would do the. I would have said. I wouldn't have done the joke.

[Joey Diaz]

Guys, you have to somewhere, as a comic, say, this is what I'm gonna do, and if you don't like it, I'm moving the fuck on. But that's why when they tell you, like, we can't say this at my club. Well, you called me number one, and number two, I'm saying what I'm fucking saying. And if you don't want to hire me after this, that's fine, right? But don't you ever fucking tell me what I can and cannot do.

[Lee Syatt]

Because I've been struggling with. I don't like feeling like this, but the feeling that I've felt in New York with Stand up is a little bit desperate, and I don't like feeling like it. But there's just. No, it's. You're just kind of out there.

[Joey Diaz]

You're out there, bro.

[Lee Syatt]

And with like, if it feels like. Like the Titanic, like when the Titanic sank and yours. Everyone's in the water. That's where I am. Right? Oh, well, yeah, right now. Right now, for sure. But I'm just talking, like, just even comedy wise. You're just waiting for someone to help you do something. And, like, if someone told me, I don't want to hear this joke or that, okay, whatever, you know, feel desperate.

[Joey Diaz]

But always have your fucking boundaries.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't like feeling desperate as a man.

[Joey Diaz]

And you have your own boundaries.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's like when I stopped doing coke, I was a complete different comic. I'm a complete different individual because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. God forbid I can't get my package tonight, right? You follow me? So never mind the club or whatever. I was always concerned about that. Once I took that out of my life, it was completely different for me. And that's when my career really started. Because I started telling people like, this is what I'm doing. Yeah, but you got to work now. If you know any of the stories about me. I didn't work Sundays when I was featured.

[Lee Syatt]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

I told them to go themselves. I'm not working. Tell your mother. Would you call your mother? And that's the attitude you got to tell people. Can I talk to you for a second? It's Sunday. Would you make your mother come in here on a Sunday? No. Then why are you making me come in here on a Sunday? Call your mother next time to work a Sunday, and they'll look at you like it's the Truth. It's like when an agent calls you and says, I got an audition for you at 5:30 in downtown L. A. Again, would you send your mother down there at 5:30? No, I wouldn't. Then why are you sending me? Call them and get me a decent time. And they'll either say no or they'll call and get you a decent time.

[Lee Syatt]

Right, but like that's where I was going with it. Because they'll give you a decent time because they like you or they want you. And if you're just a nobody at the beginning, they're like you. If you don't want to come at 5:30 then off.

[Joey Diaz]

Hey Doug, when I started the store they used to give me 1am spots, right? But it was the store, of course. Okay? It wasn't Phil's Auto Garage, you know, midnight with a bunch of fucking. What do you call those little white kids from Brooklyn?

[Lee Syatt]

The hipsters.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, whatever the fuck they call them. Little fags, whatever. Sitting there with the little fucking raccoon eyes or whatever. Right? But yeah, yeah, it's completely different, of course, but I still remember doing open mics at 2 in the morning. And one day I decided I wasn't gonna fucking do it no more. And then I started doing those early ones you do, and they're fucking worse. Hamburger Harry's at 4:30. There's no reason, the only reason to go in there is to get a loose and put it up on the thing and go, here's my five minutes and just hang yourself. They're rough and I know the position you're in, right? But you have to. Right now they're giving you a wall. Yeah, you're a smart Jew. You got to figure out how to go around that wall. And they're going to give you another wall, right? And you have to figure out how to go around that wall. And that's what we're discussing in the beginning when we got here tonight. We're talking about how important basics is. Like I was talking about how I could take Lee to Marangoli, fuck my wife, fuck mercy. I'm going on the road with you. We're doing every weekend. And I'll take him to 3,000 seat theaters. We'll do two shows a weekend. And after five years, Lee will be a great comic until he has to do a show in front of 20 people. He's gonna lose it. Lose it. Your leg's gonna start twitching because you didn't cover the bases. And it's like that old commercial, remember Pennzoil, George you can either pay me now or you can pay me later, but you're gonna pay me, motherfucker. So get it over with now instead of right now. You're a new man in la. In New York, they're not gonna open the doors for you and give you the red carpet treatment. No, you're intelligent. You already know that. You gotta get there now. I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you. I couldn't figure out New York. That's why I got the fuck outta here. Because I didn't know four people to bring to the shows. Well, George, and he would disappear. I would pay him 10 bucks. I'll be right back. £ I went to get a lighter, whatever the fuck, so you can't do bringer shows. My friends. Fucking animals.

[Lee Syatt]

I got so lucky yesterday with people.

[Joey Diaz]

And then the spot's old. Two in the morning. Every once in a while the New York Comedy club will give me a spot. But I would stop at 181st street to get coke and do the coke before I had my spot and have to cancel my spot, right? So it was always a fucking nightmare for me. So I chose to develop in Colorado. Right, but you're doing a great job here, considering. Considering now, like I said to you, I would love to walk in with you to the New York Comedy Club and go, I'm doing 20, give Lee 10. What's that gonna do for you?

[Lee Syatt]

Nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Now you're forcing my hand, right?

[Lee Syatt]

And I've never, I've never asked you for that. I would, but I wouldn't do it, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I know where it would end off. If we did it in 10 different clubs, nine of them would hate you. One of them would go, I like the fucking kid, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Dude. One of my. And it's. I don't know if this is something to be proud of or not, but like one of the things I was most proud of in LA was that like I never had to call my parents and ask for money. That was one thing that I just took pride in. And you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who don't. Whatever they think about me being a stand up, I know that I'm working really hard at it and it's what I want. And I, I don't want to look back in 10 years and be like, oh, I only got in because Joey called X, Y and Z. I like I'm having. As much as I'd love to be in at all the clubs right now. And I'd say yes if they called. I'm having fun. Like Duke, like, doing the bar. The only place that I'll have me right now is barber shops. I do barber shops every fucking month. Someone invites. I feel like it's like they're fucking. They bring me to a barber shop. And the shows are great, but I've done like eight barbershops.

[Joey Diaz]

That's okay.

[Lee Syatt]

It's like, what the fuck? I'm the only guy with no hair in a barber shop. But I love it. It's been. Dude, New York is. And I did. It was a great. Weird, like. Because yesterday I did, I think, three mics. One of the. Two of the mics would have got canceled. And the read. The. What I use mics for now is I. I really only use them to just say the words. Johnny Rock in LA gave me great advice of just like, you can't go there looking for a. A response. You just go there to Prague. And like, that's what I'm using them for now is just as a. Because it did. I. If I hadn't have done those mics in my set last night, wouldn't have gone as well because I changed. I. I'm at a place. I'm not at a place yet where I can look at my notebook and, like, see if things are gonna work or see if the order's right. I have to do it. And then I'm like, okay, then that. So for me, that's what I'm using that stuff for, for New York, because it's. I have nowhere close to figuring out New York, but I'm further along today than I was in January when I really started. Because, like, even when I got here in September, I was gone every week. I was here in town for two days a week.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe I was watching something the other day where. What's his name? Schultz.

[Lee Syatt]

Andrew.

[Joey Diaz]

Andrew was on Club Shay Shay. He was talking about Rogan. And he goes, you know, Rogan has made a lot of millionaires, you know, And I thought about it. I was sitting there going, what the fuck? Rogan didn't make millionaires. He opened up the door for people, and people still had to do the work. Yeah, I know 10 guys that Rogan was helping that never. They're still feature acts. I know comics that Rogan got with Dave Sussman. There's still feature acts, you know, I still remember getting the longest shot and somebody going, must be nice for Rogan to call Adam Sandler.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm like, fuck off.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you really think that's how they do shit, you know, like, so I know the feeling of people thinking, right, that they made a call for you or not. They didn't make a call. They said something on a podcast. And I had to deliver the goods every fucking night, Right? I still had to write the comedy. I still had to go down there. There's people. Look at last comic standing. Open up the door for 10 comics. Where are they today? Teaching comedy classes on Zoom. You know, these guys had opportunities. They just didn't know what to follow. People always. I always thought about this. People always want to get on Rogan. When I started, it was always Letterman. It was always Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash, Johnny Carson, right? Well, that's the one thing. It's what you do after you get that that's gonna rock it. It's not getting that. I got my job, all right? Now what? You got the job. Now what the fuck are you gonna do with it? That's what you're always planning. Like I'm always planning, not what's in front of me. I'm already planning exactly how this goes down without moving a finger. I let things do it for me. I'll give you an example. I'm doing the Garden next week.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck yeah, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. No, no, but don't. Everybody knows this. I'm opening up for time. I'm doing 20 minutes, no big. I didn't earn it. He called me and said, you did too earn it. Do you want it? And I took it. Now that the picture that somebody's going to take of me and post, I don't have to do the work. They're already. There's 18,000 people there. Let's pretend 100 of them take a picture and put it up at the post the next day. The next day, just. People see that and they go, I'm gonna go see where I could buy a ticket. But I know that I'm using it as a workout. I'm using the garden as a 20 minute fucking workout. I got no material to do.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, you do.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm using it as a fucking workout. But I already know where it's gonna take me. Like, I'm already thinking like that. You're not gonna get that from just starting comedy today. You're gonna get that from overtime and doing it and you start learning different fucking things, you know? And that's what I like about what you're doing right now, Lee. Don't worry about where you're at. You're doing it. That's the most important thing I know. 20 people at home right now going, I wanted to send up. I'm gonna stay home and watch the Knicks tonight. Because the Knicks are gonna be in the play, okay? The Knicks are more important to you than anything else. I know a hundred people. Like I said, we could put a fucking sign out tomorrow, Put a building in New Brunswick by Rutgers, and go be the next Joe Rogan. Learn how to podcast. I could quit doing comedy. I have a sucker in there every fucking 20 minutes. I wanna be like, roe guru. I shaved my head, I got tattoos. I want. You know, it's crazy. People think you gotta put the work in. It's nice. I mean, it's nice to be a bartender. Remember George, when we were kids? Yeah. Bruce Willis was a bartender and somebody went in there and put him on Miami Vice. Ugh. Yeah, like you bought that fucking line. No, he had to go to acting class. We didn't know a bunch of shit. Like when he got Miami Vice, he was involved in 20 things already. When he was shooting Miami Vice, he. He got the show on abc. But growing up, they said, oh, he was bartending. Some guy went in there and saw him bartending. Unless he's sucking dick behind a bar doing this shit. Poor Bruce Willis. Now he don't remember. You know what I'm saying? Now he don't remember, Right? That's. You know, we all think that things are going to happen from fucking influencers. These girls that are hot and they're like, oh, if I do one profile, somebody will put me in a movie. They're gonna put you in a movie, but they're gonna fuck the shit out of you first. You're gonna have sperm coming out of everywhere like a Harvey Weinstein milkshake. They'll put you in a movie, but I don't want you to think they're putting you in a movie because of your artistic fucking whatever. They're putting you in a movie cause you got big tits. And they'll just take you. They'll cut you out. They'll tell you a movie, they'll cut you out. You'll be the next. Who's that really hot chick that's in all the movies? And she's a fucking nightmare to work with. I just saw her acting in a movie first off. It was the worst movie I ever saw in my life. The first. The Expendables. Okay, God, that's terrible. But the Fox girl, that's her name. Megan Fox. She was in that. I'm like, this is what she's gonna do. The rest of her Life. Somebody fucked her, she's hot, and this is it. But there's no fucking great roles for her. There's no fucking pretty women for her. Or, you know, whatever the fuck those roles are.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, let's take that out, though. So, like, for. Let's. Because you did it in acting, too. You did the hundred dollar a day. If you. If someone called you for the longest yard when you were just in LA and you hadn't done. You had only done a couple of things, would you have, like, been ready or like, what?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I would have got ready, bitch. Sometimes you gotta get ready. So for me, listen, I have two train, two trains of thought here. The one train of thought is you could just read a book. So much that's. We have as Americans, I want to be a writer. Let me go to fucking the place and buy 20 books on writing. You just killed yourself for five years reading. The only way to get good at writing is to write. Even if you start with, I'm going to the zoo today. It improves over the week. I'm going to the zoo. It's going to be a sunny day today. I'm going to kick the fucking ape in the stomach. Whatever the fuck you're going to do. We've become too booky and too. We think too much. Okay. When I got called for basketball, do you think I went to an acting class before that? You think I knew anything about acting? I knew about Bruce Lee flying through the air, and I knew about the Godfather, and I liked Marlon Brando, how he acted, but I didn't know anything. I still remember going on that set and them going, step on your mark. And I'm like, what mark?

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're like, the marks. Your marks. And then I remember going to another acting job and they were saying the same things to me. And I had to tell them, I don't know what I'm doing.

[Lee Syatt]

Nobody. But they like that.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're like, how the fuck do I. I don't know what I'm doing. And the only thing that saved me was that that girl, her father was big Sidney Poitier.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And that was his daughter. And when I worked and lived in Snowmass, Sidney Porter used to come into the video store with that little black girl. And I asked her, I go, you remember going to Snowmass as a kid? She goes, yeah, all the time, my dad. I go, I used to come in to command the video. Ask your dad next time he talked to him. She goes, I'll ask him tonight. She came back. She's like, yeah. Oh, my God. I go, yeah, your dad used to come in. So she was kind of nice to me.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She was like, I'll show you what to do. I go, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, bro. As soon as that movie ended, as soon as that TV show ended, I borrowed money from Josh Wolfe and I got into an acting class, right? Do you follow me? Cause now it was getting serious. I thought I was just gonna fucking, you know, go up there and. But they were giving me lines and shit, so I didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

How dare they?

[Joey Diaz]

You want me to give you. You want me to read?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So I didn't know what I was doing. So then I went to an acting class. And then it all. As I was doing the acting class. I started booking while I was doing the acting class, and it kind of came together, but I didn't just do it. Like, there's people that'll tell you. There's schools in California that if you go to their act, they'll tell you you can't go on auditions for two years.

[Lee Syatt]

Two years.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what? Fuck you. You don't even know what you're talking about. Because now they get to blend it together, you know? Like, they get to go to class. It's like being a union plumber. If you're an apprentice, you got to go to T barrel twice a week and learn how to fucking burn shit. Fucking, you know? And then you're on the job, right? And you might start as a laborer carrying pipe, but eventually all that shit's gonna mix together. So you're gonna be doing pipe, and then you go over there, and they're gonna be teaching you how to do the same pipe. That's when it all is really insane, 1,000%. But I would never tell you. You're gonna be my comedy student. But don't get on stage. No, I want you to fail, right? I want you to come with questions for me every week going, I did my best material, and they threw a tomato at me. All right, let's see what. Let's start from the videotape. Let's see the videotape. But that's what I think that people, they get too booky, and then they don't end up doing anything or they get into something without really. So it's kind of a catch 22.

[Lee Syatt]

It really is. Because it's like, as someone listening to it, not mad at you or anything, but it's like, you can't. It's hard to be like, okay, get prepared. But then also don't do some of this stuff. Like, it's. You know, it's like sort of like if you. You have to prepare, doing certain things, like certain roles or certain set, like doing the open mics, doing those 4pm open mics. And it's hard to know when to cut it off for yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

You cut it off when you think it's time to listen. You know what the difference between a professional and an amateur is and anything?

[Lee Syatt]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

A mindset, if you really fucking think about it.

[Lee Syatt]

But there's a lot of people who.

[Joey Diaz]

Are really sure, I know you as a laborer. They come in here every day and bang nails and shit. But you'll feel like a laborer until one day you look me in the eye and go, what do you think? You the only guy that could paint? You know, I can do that. I can do this, too. I'm a fucking painter and I want 15 more dollars than what you're paying me. It's your decision. An amateur and a professional. It's you. It's not somebody else holding you back. You decide when you're gonna go, I'm gonna do this as a fucking professional. They want me to be here at 8. I'm gonna be here at quarter 8. You know, I'm gonna be the best motherfucker in this room. That's the difference between an amateur and a professional. It's not, you know, Right, but then.

[Lee Syatt]

Also, and going to all these open mics in these shows, I see it. There's people who have that mentality that you have but don't have the skill.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, Dave, listen, there's a lot of people who are complacent. And that's the thing that'll kill you the most, is you gotta ask questions, right? The cat died seven times because he was fucking curious, not because he sat there, you know, looking at his window. And the old lady who does the yarn every day, right? The cat looks out a window and goes, look at that fucking bird. Maybe I'll kick his fucking ass today. And then he goes out and the bird fucks him up. He comes in, has a cat of tuna, and then he. You follow me? You all right, though?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm great, but I. Because there's definitely people. And, you know, people could be listening, asking if it's me. But I know you've seen it. Comics who just aren't funny and like, to make the decision. Like, if they're listening right now and they're like, okay, I gotta do this. I'm not doing. But then maybe they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing, what's right for them. You know? Isn't it kind of weird?

[Joey Diaz]

Let me go, Pete, all right? And then we'll talk about it. I gotta talk to these people about DraftKings and BetterHelp.

[Lee Syatt]

Perfect.

[Joey Diaz]

And then I'll come back, give you time to relax.

[Lee Syatt]

I could see that everything's moving right now.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, everything's moving.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm really trying to keep it cool, to be honest with you.

[Joey Diaz]

We'll be back in 30 seconds. What's happening, you beautiful people? Uncle Joey here to talk to you about March. When it comes to college basketball, nothing is for certain. You'll watch Upsets, Buzzer beaters, top picks. Going home early. Getting on full action with DraftKings sportsbook. You understand me? Whether it's the live betting, exclusive content, promos, parlays, it's the thing to do this much, you know, the birds are chirping, the sun is out. We need some more action. Okay? Now, if you haven't put a bet in with DraftKings before, first time, here's something special for you. Ready? New DraftKings customers, new customers only. You're going to bet $5 and you'll get 200 and bonus bets like that. Viva la France. Bet the unexpected with DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app right now. Use code JOEY. J O, E Y. That's Code Joey for new customers only. To get 200 in bonus bets when you just bet $5 a fin to get in, who's better than you? Only at DraftKings. Where the crown is yours.

[Lee Syatt]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78-9-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction.

[Joey Diaz]

Void.

[Lee Syatt]

In Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG Co Audio.

[Joey Diaz]

This episode is also brought to you by BetterHelp, one of my favorite sponsors in the world. Why? Traditional in person therapy can cost you anywhere from 100 to 250 a session to 400. With BetterHelp's online therapy, you can save an average up to 50% per session. Listen the summer's coming. It's that time of the year. Mental health is just as important as physical health. So it's time to give that brain a checkup. Listen, I was with BetterHelp for like 9, 10 months. They helped me out a lot with anxiety. They gave me a couple tools to work for. What's the color of the wall? Blue. Okay. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. They've served over 5 million people globally. One of them has been me. If you want to switch therapists, you want to, it's done. It's easy to get started. It's easy to fit into your schedule. Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com Diaz D I A Z today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com H-E-L-P.com Diaz and BetterHelp will help you out. Trust me when I'm telling you, I give you my personal fucking word on this. And that's it, guys. We're back, bitches. Don't forget, if you're hearing voices, BetterHelp will help you. And if you know.

[Lee Syatt]

DraftKings.

[Joey Diaz]

DraftKings. It's March, baby. It's the month you've been waiting for. Anyway, we're back to talk to about hearing voices here, Seeing ghosts. He calls. Fucking better help once a month, this poor bastard. Anyway. Me, I love it. Lee, you're talking about bonds. Lee, Listen, who the fuck am I or you? Have you ever had somebody come up to you and make a weird remark? Like the first five or six years you do comedy, people come up to you and make the weirdest remarks. And sometimes your feelings get hurt. Sometimes you don't know how to really handle it. You're just starting out, you know. And I'm from North Bergen. I still remember doing a show in the city and your uncle and a bunch of guys driving me. And on the way back, they're like, you suck. Right in the car, they're like, dude, you suck. Like, that guy was funny. Not you. You're not funny. And this is. That's how we were raised. We weren't raised with, oh, my God, that was so brave. Nah. My friends will look at you and go, you know what? You suck tonight. That was God awful. And I would sit there in the back of the car, ready to cry, just doing coke, like, okay, I suck and it hurts. It's not good. So who the fuck am I to tell somebody they're not funny? I think somebody rather hear that their mother's a whore than somebody going up to somebody going, you know, you're really not funny. You should quit this shit. Because there was a time none of us were funny. And one day you just hit a fucking stage point. It's like anything else in life. You go to jiu jitsu, you get fucking torn apart for 18 months, and one day you decide to do something, and all of a sudden, it just changes. With stand up, it's like these people get punched in the head for a living. We were talking about that before. They could be retarded after one punch, or they could be retarded after 5,000 punches. You just don't know what punch is gonna make them a fucking retard. It's gonna make them call better help.

[Lee Syatt]

And go, you know, oh, they're gonna love this.

[Joey Diaz]

So I can never, ever tell a comic or a human being that they're not funny. If they believe they're funny, let them go. Let them go. And you see, you'll see these. The longer you do comedy, you'll see open micas that show up everywhere and talk to them and go, bro, you ever. Nah. I come down here, I do this. I go home, I hear voices. I live in my grandmother's basement. They'll tell you what they are, right? And then eight years from now, you'll hear, they killed themselves. I swear to God, when I lived in Seattle, I'm not being a joke here, you know, plenty open mice killed themselves. Some guy got off stage at the Comedy Store, went to the hotel and jumped off the top of the fucking hotel. You know, this is the shit people do when this is their whole life dream, right? You know? And this happens to musicians. How many fucking idiots go on that show the Voice, you know? Do you think about that? How many people. Your mom's like, with one eye, she got diabetes. You seem good in the shower. I'll go down to the Voice, okay? And you go down there, do Dolly Parton. It sounds like Joey Diaz. And they tell you, come back. That was great. That was great. We'll call you. You know, how many times can you hear that?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So I can never tell somebody they suck. They have a dream and then let them go out there and pursue it.

[Lee Syatt]

But, like, have you. And it's tough. Cause, I mean, that's not obvious. Not with stand up now for the inside of me.

[Joey Diaz]

Just tell you something about 10 days ago, okay? I'm not gonna lie to you. I saw a name from L. A that I Had forgotten about. And the first thing in my mind was that I said this to myself. I go, she didn't shoot herself yet. Because, you know, 20 years she's been trying this, right? 25 years. So in the back of my. I mean, she got there, she was there five years before I was there, and she's still doing this. So I forgot about her. I've been out of LA for five fucking years. So obviously I forgot. And I go, she didn't shoot herself yet. That was my first reaction. So I get it. There's a. Like, right now. What I know I would have left l. A in 2013.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

I wasted my time for eight years. I could have done whatever I was doing anywhere else. Because all it is now is you just rotate. You're doing the goddamn jam, the improv, the laugh actor, the Comedy Store, and you just a revolving thing. And if you do get something out of that, it's like, why am I going to go see him? He's going to be at the Comedy Store tomorrow night. He's just a revolving door. You're wasting your time.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. But for stand up specifically, you don't think being, like, at the store once a week helped?

[Joey Diaz]

Not as of 10 years ago.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

It helps you. But if you're already established at the store, you're established at the improv, and you're established at the Laugh Factory, why are you still there if you're not acting? You're just going around every night. I got another show. I'm at the. Whatever. It's. It's just a rotating door.

[Lee Syatt]

Right, but you said you would have left in 2013. And I'm not talking about career. I'm not even take career out of it. I'm talking about you because you know when you're funny and you know when your jokes are where they're supposed to be. Do you think that would have. You would have been as funny if you left LA at that point?

[Joey Diaz]

At 2013, I was doing comedy. What, 20 something fucking years already. I mean, 2015, I thought I saw a mouse.

[Lee Syatt]

I thought I'd seen a lot of things.

[Joey Diaz]

It was a little. It was a little leaf. But 2015, listen, one thing about me and my comedy career, I don't base it on anything. Anybody ever want to fucking say anything to me? I just say one word. Comedy store from 2016 to the pandemic hit. That's it, bitch. You want to say something about me? Come on. On Tuesday and Thursday. Look at those lineups. And what do you want to say? What the fuck do you. You can't say a word to me. Can't say a word to me because those lineups will never happen again. When you're following Bill Burr and bringing up fucking Rogan or bringing up Ali Wong or bringing up Whitney Cummings. You saw those lineups. You saw those rooms in the main room. Forget Netflix special and all that faggotry that they got. You know the Howard, the Mark Twain Award for comedy. Mark Twain could suck my dick. The only thing that counts in my. For me was those nights at the store, right? If you ever had any fucking doubt, come on down, motherfucker, and try it. Give it a whirl. Give it a whirl. But you didn't. But you're somewhere else trying to fucking lay claim. Don't even. For me. It wasn't anything else. It was those four years when you walked in there on Tuesday, most people would faint because I know I felt like fucking fainting. When I would come around that liquor store. You know, when you get off Laurel Canyon, I'd go, like, why am I going down there? I am going down there to destroy my career. I'm going to the adcc, whatever the fuck that is. If I have a bad set down here, it's gonna get around. So when I would hit that fucking stage, I made sure. Like, I just heard Judd Appletowe went back to the store. That's cause papa's not there. Cause papa jagged him so bad he had to go. When you're not that funny, then you go to another club called. What's that club? Date Largo. That's where they call it. Alternative comedy. Oh, my God, that's so brilliant. That's where you go. But on Tuesdays and Thursdays, that kind of comedy didn't work. That comedy was never designed for the Comedy Store, right? Like, if you go into the club in the city, I'll take you to club in the city now. That shit wouldn't work at the Comedy Store. Would not work. She engraved Marines. That's what she wanted. Marines. People who jump out of a plane, land, and instead of it exploding, they make you laugh. That's what Mitzi Shore trained. And I was a part of that. So everybody, all these, you know, these people that you see on these comedy award shows, like Steve Martin with an arrow in his head, he could suck my dick.

[Lee Syatt]

So, like, I know we're.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm not saying nothing disrespectful to nobody. I'm just telling you how I feel. And if you have a Problem with that, Come on down.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. But you also said at the beginning, they said if you knew what you knew now, you would have left before that.

[Joey Diaz]

I would have left, but that is something that sticks out of my mind. I'm happy I didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I was part of those fucking lineups and don't want.

[Lee Syatt]

You were just part of them, dude. You were a fucking.

[Joey Diaz]

A lot of people wouldn't make those lineups today. A lot of people would walk and look at that lineup and go, my mother's in bad shape, I gotta run home. You know?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I saw it. I saw it for years. You couldn't be an Okie Doke comic and walk into the store. It was not gonna work for you.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

And now over the years, it's gotten softer and oh my God, I love your hair. That shit did not work.

[Lee Syatt]

Forget. God damn it. It was someone I was. I just was watching like a really great comic talking about competition and he was saying that it wasn't. Oh, maybe it was Bill Murray, I don't know. But yeah, it was Bill Murray, but it wasn't so much like Bill Murray. You know, I'm not in the stand up sense, but in an acting sense. He's like, okay. And that's what the store felt like then. And I wasn't part of it. But to like, it was all the best in the world, being the best. So if you were even a step, it would have been like noticeable. It would have been noticeable.

[Joey Diaz]

I think very noticeable.

[Lee Syatt]

And I think, you know, it like that's. I'm. I'm gonna. I'm glad you stayed for that too. Cuz like, dude, I don't know. And I just like going to the, Going to shows back then and see and having people like whether it was the 20 minutes of the store or the hour, it was just a crazy. I've never experienced stand up like that.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it was hard hitting. All those people that wear hats, that take pictures of themselves smoking a cigarette, that think that cool. They disappeared from there. Anybody with scarves, you know, guys that wear scarves to be cool on a Tuesday night, they disappear from there. Tattoos and piercings, that shit didn't go over. It was a stage and a microphone and you better bring it just like life. You come with all disguises you want the piercing. Yeah. Come with all disguises you want. When that shit blows over, if either you got it or you don't, you could wear your little skull caps and smoke a cigarette and be cool in front of your friends. But when the road, the shit comes down, either you got it or you don't. Those hats, those tattoos, those hairdos with the spike, you know, I'm gonna put blonde streaks. Some of my friends come up to me and go, oh, my God, no, that's not funny. Right? And that's what happened. That's why you go to some comedy clubs. People up there with, like, a suit with sneakers on. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. This ain't a costume party.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, there's a lot of that, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

This ain't a costume party, you know? And that's why I always respected the store, and I respected. Coming out of the store. I saw a fucking dude play the piano one night at the store. And Eddie Griffin went up there and he goes, this ain't the music store, motherfucker. This is the Comedy Store, bitch.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

And we fucking. And the guy would kill. Yeah, the guy would kill with his piano. He was a black guy. La, la, la, la. This ain't no music store, motherfucker. The guitar center's down the corner. Go down there, play all the guitars you want. Drums and pianos. It's not fucking comedy. And now what they've done. Well, I'm not even gonna get to the subject there. Cause I have people banding up a fucking thing, you know, abandoning shit. But, you know, right now, you're in a spot, Lee, that you have to make it. You have to be funny and figure it out on your own. That's it. You have to figure this out on your own. In time, you'll latch onto a club that gives you seven spots a week.

[Lee Syatt]

That'd be great.

[Joey Diaz]

And then you could work your. And then it's going to take one person to go, hey, how come you're not at New York Comedy Club? I banged the sister. What are you called? That's what happens. For years, you're over there sending tapes, going over, and all of a sudden, it takes one guy to go. I play golf with the guy, you want me to call him tomorrow? And that's what happens. But at least you're not at home. And that guy said to you, I'll talk to him tomorrow. What if you. You're just sitting at home with your girlfriend. Nobody gives me a spot I can't get through in New York. And all of a sudden, I get you at the New York Comedy Club now, you're fucked. Yeah, you're there, you're prepared. Like when you do a podcast, when you do, people think, I used to go on the Rogan Podcast and just get high. I love that. I love that. Everything was planned down to my shirt. Yeah, everything is planned. I want you to think I'm stoned. Yeah, keep thinking that, motherfucker. That's how I rob you. And then you say he's a thief because you thought I was not gonna. You thought I was too coked up to put a gun to your fucking head. Well, I'm not. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not okay. So it's the same thing. When I went on Rogan, I knew I was going on a Tonight show, right? So you better bring some shit to make him go back. And the people at home go, what the fuck is he talking about? Because he's got a thousand G stars a year, right? So if you want to go on there with your Okie doke story about your grandmother or some bullshit that your father got a splinter, you gotta go over there and drop it. And that's the comedy scene in New York. When you get your chance. Listen, bro, you know what it is to do a spot in front of Mitzi Shore when you're doing comedy for eight years? It was scary, but I knew it was that or me going back to North Bergen to sell drugs until I got shot or OD or died. That's how I did it.

[Lee Syatt]

And it's weird to think this. This is the first thing I've been confident in in probably my entire life.

[Joey Diaz]

What, comedy?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's.

[Lee Syatt]

I, I. Confidence is not something I feel a lot. And I thought maybe I thought I did. Like, I. I was. I liked editing when I went to college for it. I was okay at it, but. And I. This comedy, being confident comedy. And I'm not saying for where I am, like, the last two, three months, I feel very confident that I didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Why do you feel confident? Because you're prepared.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. Nobody likes surprises because they're not prepared.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Right? Yeah, you're prepared, motherfucker. And getting on stage every night and you know. I know. Listen, man. Five, six, seven years of comedy, it sucks. It sucks. You're trying to give up your job. You're trying to quit your day job. You're trying to make enough money every month to keep that. There's always a club that doesn't want to talk to you. There's always, you know, there's always an obstacle, but there's obstacles in life, right? So the first obstacle you have now is getting rid of this fucking job year. That's one obstacle. Now you gotta make enough money to pay the Bills and all that shit. And that stress alone will kill you. And that's why you don't go on vacation, right? Because the first you become like. I always tell people, I've loved working on commissions since I'm a kid. You know why? Because on the 1st, you and me are even. There's no. Joey Deer has been doing comedy for 30 years. There's none of that. We're even on the first. And that gets my dick hard. I never wanted of why you know I'm working for this. Well, you have a ceiling over your head now, so go for it, motherfucker. If you're on commission, you gotta tell Mama we're not going to Parakeet Islands this year. And stick to it. I don't give a fuck. Dump me. I'm not fucking doing it. I don't have time to lose. When I'm 60, then I'll fucking go to Parakeet Islands or whatever idea your family has all this shit. If you want something, you gotta go for it, man.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I do.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's it. You're in New York. You're in the fucking major leagues. So you better go home and think about how do you belong in the major leagues?

[Lee Syatt]

I know I belong.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe you're looking at this differently. I want you to look at it like, what am I gonna do to belong in the major leagues? Took me seven years to realize I was in the major leagues. And I stopped snorting coke. And I go, I'm in the major leagues, motherfucker. What the fuck am I doing with my life? You're in the major leagues. Not as major as la, Right, but you're right there. So you have to switch your thinking and get. How am I gonna get noticed? Because that's pretty much it. You have to get mentioned before you get noticed. So somebody's gonna have to go, man, have you seen this little fucking. Julissa. He was on fire the other night at this place, you know, and that's. It's such a fucking catch 22. And you guys think like dog. I remember going to la, you can't get an agent. Well, why can't I get an agent? Because you have to have something. Well, the only way I could book a movie is if I have an agent. Well, figure it the fuck out, right? And you walk out of the office going, what am I gonna do? Okay, I gotta go down to the fucking thing. Every Wednesday, George, remember every Thursday I used to buy that stupid magazine that they used to sell at all newsstands in New York. Well, they sell those in LA too. And you got to go in there and open up the paper and go, oh, I'm going to go do a college film that shoots at night with three Chinese kids that don't know how to shoot a film. They're going to shoot my feet. And that's what I did for two years. I just applied for all those. And I would get it on Wednesday, so the envelopes went out on Thursday and I would hear back by Friday. There was no like, oh, well. And I would do that while I was coked out. When I get home from the Comedy Store, I'd fucking do those envelopes and write out with your hand instead of typing. So they know you put the time into it. It's fucking A to Z. It's not just. It's A to Z. And that's what a lot of people don't understand. And that's why people become magicians, because they don't want to put the work in. They don't want to put the fucking work in. So, right, you got the world by the balls. You're young, you got money put away. You know, it's time to really sit down and write your goals and not overthink shit. You know, you're the type of guy that you have a plan and then mid in war, you change it. Yeah, stick to it. Plan, you haven't even really executed it, but stick to it. Put your new reel up every 15, every third three months. But I got to see it on Facebook, I got to see it on Instagram, I got to see it on my daughter's Instagram. Like if I look at her Instagram, whatever, kid, Instagram, right? See somebody sharing it on there, that's your. Those are little things that you do. And even if nobody sees it, who's watching?

[Lee Syatt]

The universe.

[Joey Diaz]

The universe is always fucking watching. And even if nobody says, well, I didn't get any packages, great, you'll get one when it's too fucking late, when it's the apocalypse. And that's the package of Leah coming. But that's how you have to look at it. But you can't give up. No, listen, don't get down on yourself, bitch. I get down on myself and I've been doing this for 33 fucking years. And I know in the beginning when I was struggling, I'd really get down on myself. Yeah, for a few days it's an emotion.

[Lee Syatt]

Like if you bombed, you'd get down on yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Like, right away you'll know what Happened when you bomb as soon as you get off that stage soon, before your girlfriend comes up to you. Oh, my God, you were so funny. No, it wasn't. Shut the fuck up. I already know what I did wrong. I went up there with two ego. I went up there with too much ego. I went up there with too much bravado. I didn't introduce myself properly. There's a thousand reasons why you didn't bond. And yeah, in my mind, all those reasons. Shove them up your ass. I bombed because I sucked. And you could give yourself all the wind, you know, there's comics, the microphone system. Keep telling yourself that. Keep telling yourself that stupid excuse. You bomb because you suck. Go home, have a roast beef sandwich and come back tomorrow and let's try this motherfucker again. It's the same thing when the Haitian can beat you up. You're not gonna stay here. You're gonna have a rose beer sandwich. Go out there and go, let's go, Rudy the Haitian. Let's give another three fucking rounds. And if you get beat up, it's the same shit. You go home, have another roast beef sandwich and go out there on Wednesday. And eventually you're gonna get a punch in. And eventually you're gonna knock the motherfucker out, right?

[Lee Syatt]

And I'm definitely feeling that, man. I think the part.

[Joey Diaz]

I can see. I could see that you. I could see right now that you're feeling that.

[Lee Syatt]

You know exactly what I. The only place in the world. Let's take all these and then have a normal conversation.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you mean, one gram?

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, you sent pictures of two different mushrooms. There are one eight. Also. You get here a Ziploc bag, 26 different mushrooms in there.

[Joey Diaz]

I gave him the mushrooms.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you did not.

[Joey Diaz]

I swear to my daughter, I weighed them.

[Lee Syatt]

And even if you did put them in the bag. Three grams of mushrooms. I'm up.

[Joey Diaz]

Who gives a. Lee, what do you.

[Lee Syatt]

Mean, who gives a. I don't give. I'm not. Did I complain? One pod. I'm just.

[Joey Diaz]

I hate mushrooms. Every week with Josh Wson. Let it go. Lee. Stop it. You're not in training. You do that during the week. Those 25 milligrams and you play high and then you come here and look what happens to you.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm. I was fine.

[Joey Diaz]

You can either pay me now or pay me.

[Lee Syatt]

I've been playing. Was I. I didn't say. I've been. Been lean out of space in a long time.

[Joey Diaz]

Why you getting all upset? Cuz you keep saying because you Dilly dally.

[Lee Syatt]

No one's dilly dally. You're not too up.

[Joey Diaz]

I gave him. In fact, I gave him a smaller one.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Then I put. I'll show you right now.

[Lee Syatt]

A smaller one.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll show you.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it was short, but it was thick.

[Joey Diaz]

I gave him a smaller one.

[Lee Syatt]

A smaller one.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, I. I showed you this one.

[Lee Syatt]

You're using pictures from eight months ago. I forgot about this. No, last week, you. I kept saying, you didn't weigh it.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't weigh it. And then he cries.

[Lee Syatt]

You're like, no, I didn't cry. I waited. You're looking for pictures in October. You're like, I took a. I waited and I'm just looking for the picture. You were in October looking for mushrooms that you'd already had and grown another mushroom.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know a word. He's saying this pull up.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, you do.

[Joey Diaz]

You're just over there getting all like. It's like Gaza beat up your mom. What the Is wrong?

[Lee Syatt]

Because you keep saying I'm doing. I've gone and I haven't cried.

[Joey Diaz]

It takes you 20 minutes to eat them.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm so. I'm so sorry that the mushrooms don't taste good.

[Joey Diaz]

You come, oh, they don't taste good.

[Lee Syatt]

Cares.

[Joey Diaz]

We eat them. You eat that lizard meat.

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

Lizard meat that you've been eating for 30 years.

[Lee Syatt]

And now you keep saying that they paid. The. The restaurant paid Google off to take lizard meat off the review. You can't do that. There's no lizard meat.

[Joey Diaz]

You've been eating lizard meat since.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't say anything about food in my entire. I'll be 60 years old saying, I like this restaurant. Lizard meat.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, listen, you know why? It's like sucking a dick when you're 21. You're never going to win an argument after that. You know that. Yeah, well, I would have done this.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't eat lizard meat 20 years ago.

[Joey Diaz]

That never gets forgotten. You ate lizard meat at that restaurant on top of the French, and they told you it was carnitas.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, I like carne asada, not car. You like carneada.

[Joey Diaz]

That was not carne asada, dog. This was the worst restaurant you could see. It was condemned, and he's in there.

[Lee Syatt]

It was not condemned.

[Joey Diaz]

20,000 restaurants in North Hollywood. This guy looked condemned in North Hollywood.

[Lee Syatt]

Have you seen North Hollywood? The entire city looks condemned.

[Joey Diaz]

One night, I gave him and his girlfriend a gift Certificate to a fucking fine dining establishment. Morton's. And these guys still didn't take it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, we saved it. It was also for lunch, by the.

[Joey Diaz]

Way, when she wanted to eat some.

[Lee Syatt]

This is a relationship 10 years ago. Why are we in trouble for what she wanted to do when we lived in la?

[Joey Diaz]

Because. Because this falls on you.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it doesn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, I gave you 2025 gift certificate for Morton's and instead you went and got mystery meat somewhere. Because she wanted to get mystery meat and so did you.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, maybe I did. A fine restaurant sounds good sometimes.

[Joey Diaz]

Now you're gonna fucking tell me you never ate it.

[Lee Syatt]

So the first day you get the gift card. I have to use the gift card?

[Joey Diaz]

Exactly. Immediately. Immediately. It's like if I'm going to Burger King and somebody gives me a fucking card to Maestro's to get a steak. There's no double thinkingly.

[Lee Syatt]

I wasn't double thing. Dude, I don't. I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't end up at the steakhouse, did you not What? You didn't end up at the steakhouse.

[Lee Syatt]

Probably not, no.

[Joey Diaz]

So that means he doing today. What are you talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

Mistake I didn't get right away.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at him.

[Lee Syatt]

2016. Don't even look at me.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at him. Look at him.

[Lee Syatt]

He's losing this.

[Joey Diaz]

He's like a battered woman. Look at him. He won't stop.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you won't stop.

[Joey Diaz]

He's red.

[Lee Syatt]

This is in 2016.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't seen him that upset since.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, you're bringing up fucking a relationship. That was two relationships ago.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what I said to you. Once you suck a dick, it'll never get forgotten. Once you eat lizard meat. Once you eat lizard meat.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't eat lizard meat though.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you did. You kept eating it over. We used to go to a place, delicious breakfast place. Best bacon you ever had.

[Lee Syatt]

It was good bacon.

[Joey Diaz]

Ask him how many times you went there. I went to bars, they would go to Denny's.

[Lee Syatt]

We would not go to Denny's.

[Joey Diaz]

Would he?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

You're lying. Fake news. I did not go to Denny's. The thing that you get upset about is that I would get it to go. I live two blocks away. Yeah, but I didn't go to Denny's that had AIDS bacon.

[Joey Diaz]

You went.

[Lee Syatt]

I went to Denny's with you. When that place was open, we would go to you.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, I like the look. He's been eating lizard meat. I have no on french fries.

[Lee Syatt]

Tell me where I eat, you'll see. Yeah, Carne asada fries is good.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I know carne asada fries. But the problem was there was no carne asada on those fries. It was lizard meat or pigeon. Cause you love those restaurants.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, then pigeon tastes good. Motherfucker, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't wanna say that. With your little Jew feet you wanna say that? You don't know nothing. Shrinking. Anyway, guys, it was a great show. This poor bastard.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm fine. You'll be fired up. You're talking about 26.

[Joey Diaz]

Start documenting how long it is to eat one.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm still not.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, let's say the gram. Let's say the mushroom was 1.5 grams. It still took him 22 minutes. He'll time someone, he looks at it. If I gave him a egg roll, it would be done.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, because it's a much more enjoyable.

[Joey Diaz]

It could be two days old and he would eat it in three seconds. A mushroom. But they don't taste good. What about the lizard meat?

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't eat lizard meat. And if I did eat it was good.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because they creamed it up. Thank God they put cream on it or they came on it. Whatever the fuck you ate.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, now they're coming on it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because you liked it. Anything but fucking straight up. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the show today. Sorry about this fucking mutage.

[Lee Syatt]

What did I do?

[Joey Diaz]

Never ate the mushrooms. Never wants to be in training.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm in tr.

[Joey Diaz]

We're soldiers here. Look at the shape. Last week he looked like he was doing coke. Every time you called him Lee. What? What? That wasn't me. But anyway. Lee, where you at this weekend?

[Lee Syatt]

This weekend I met off Cabot. Friday and Saturday the 29th, I'm at Broadway Comedy Club.

[Joey Diaz]

That's next week.

[Lee Syatt]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't ask you about next week.

[Lee Syatt]

I told you.

[Joey Diaz]

I asked you about this week.

[Lee Syatt]

I know. And I told you where I was.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, but don't mention next week. This week we're at the dojo on Wednesday night. That's it. Doing a couple sets. I owe you people a shot since before the hospital stays and that's it, motherfuckers. I love you. Tip top, Magoo. I want to thank DraftKings. I want to thank Better Help Lee's people.

[Lee Syatt]

And Bluechew.

[Joey Diaz]

And Bluechew. And I want to thank you guys for watching Stay Black. Have a great week. Cocksuckers. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. If you want the maximum out of your sex life, you need Blue Chew Max. It combines the active ingredients like Viagra and Cialis into one chewable tablet. Bam. This baby's gonna get the job done for you quickly. It acts fast and it seriously lasts. And if that's not enough, Bluetooth's online service sends your ED meds right to your door. Nobody knows nothing. You talk to the doctor. He approves it in two days. And listen, in three days, you'll be jumping up and down with a new margarita. You know what I'm talking about. Getting started is easy and totally online. You chat with a licensed medical provider, and if you're approved, you'll get your prescription in just days. Guys. And listen, whether you don't have VD or you do have ed, no matter what, you're showing up with three guns. You follow me? She's not going to want. She's going to call you the next day. What'd you hit me with, Papa? Anyway, make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and there's a special deal for the church New Testament family. You're going to get one month of Blue Chew for free. That's what I'm talking about. Okay? It's March. What is it? March? April? Forget it. You start now in March. By July, you'll be a savage. You understand me? So do yourself a favor. Go to Bluechew and press in promo code Joey, J, O, E, Y. And just pay $5 for shipping to get that party started, you understand me? That girl will be fucking jumping up and down when you get through with her with that Bluechew pill. That's promo code, Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Like, don't eat 10 of them, you know what I'm saying? Because then you really fucking knock people out. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the show.