Passed out in a prison cell

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Passed Out in a Prison Cell"

The Church of What’s Happening Now: The New Testament
Host: Joey Coco Diaz w/ Lee Syatt
Date: November 4, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode brings Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt together live from NYC for their signature blend of comedy, storytelling, and hard-won wisdom. The pair reminisce about Halloween, reflect on the importance of listening, explore jail stories and lessons from the past, and provide advice (both explicit and implicit) about the path of a stand-up comic. The episode moves fluidly between the past and present, spinning tales about growing up, the evolution of entertainment, and navigating comedy’s cutthroat scene, all with Joey’s trademark brashness and warmth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Halloween Experiences and Family Moments

• Joey and Lee open with banter about Halloween and recent weekend stand-up competitions.
• Joey emphasizes valuing time with family over performative participation (dressing up, etc.), highlighting what his daughter, Mercy, really values: his presence.
  • Joey: “Mercy don’t give a fuck if I dressed up or not, as long as I was at the party with her and she got to drive back in the car with me.” (02:04)

2. The Joy and Nostalgia of Baseball & the Gift of Listening

• Baseball’s resurgence in their lives provides a segue into a theme: how our relationship with media and senses (particularly listening) has changed.
• Joey mourns the passing of a ‘listening era’ and laments how phones have ruined true listening:
  • Joey: “We have completely lost the gift of listening in the last 30, 40 years.” (07:22)
• He reminisces about listening to albums, absorbing music with full attention, and how visual media (MTV) and digital distraction have altered our brains.

3. Life Lessons from New Jersey: Learning by Watching and Listening

• Joey tells a formative story: being paid as a teenager to ‘watch a wall’ in his neighborhood and learning the value of silence and discretion the hard way.
• He recounts nearly getting caught in a drug raid and realizing too late the importance of heeding the advice of elders, even when the reasons aren’t spelled out:
  • Joey: “…they would tell you, hey, don’t go over there… three weeks later, something bad would happen… I don’t have to tell you why…” (13:51)
• The story pivots to jail: the consequences of not listening and not taking responsibility, how prison forces self-reflection, and the power of learning from others’ experience.
  • Joey: “I didn’t get locked up for fucking getting involved in that drug thing. I got locked up for not claiming responsibility… I didn’t listen to them… I didn’t know how to do that…” (16:09)

4. The Lost Art of Listening

• Joey riffs on how sensory priorities have shifted from listening to looking; phones have made us less aware, less present, and less safe.
• He contrasts the past—when keeping quiet and listening were survival skills—with today’s compulsive need to broadcast and consume visually.
• Lee and Joey both note how returning to listening (ditching the phone, e.g. at the doctor’s office) provides unexpected satisfaction and a sense of being “involved” (20:11).

5. Absurdity of Modern Life: Phones, Junk Emails, CVS, and Community

• A playful detour: Joey’s love/hate relationship with phones, digital overload, and the only texts that make him happy—CVS coupons.
  • Joey: “Listen, the text message from CVS makes my dick hard. It’s always good news…” (22:23)
• Anecdotes about neighborhood cats behind CVS, the adjacent head shop, and Joey’s fascination with local “whorehouses,” all painted with comic flair.

6. Stand-Up Comedy Hustle: Pandering, Power, and the Ladder

• Joey discusses the grind of the stand-up world—from ‘black rooms’ in Denver to pandering to bookers—and how not getting discouraged or beaten by gatekeepers is essential.
  • Joey: “She wasn’t going to beat me. I was going to beat her. I was going to get a lot farther in this than she was…” (55:06)
• The value of creating your own market and the difference between different city circuits (LA vs. NYC vs. Denver).
• Joey encourages Lee to analyze gigs for their real worth and warns against waiting for approval from the ‘top’ club.

7. The Evolution of Style: Clean vs. Dirty Comedy, Connection, and Heart

• They debate what it means to be "dirty" or "edgy," with Lee questioning the limits and public perception.
• Joey insists style, heart, and audience connection matter more than shock value alone.
  • Joey: “You could be as dirty as you want, but your heart has to come out somewhere there… so the audience knows that you’re just fucking around…” (98:09)
• Both share how learning and adapting comes from hard experience, bombing in unfamiliar rooms, and relentless self-examination.

8. Nostalgia and the Changing Entertainment Landscape

• Joey reflects on the uniqueness and irreplaceability of certain times, places, and groups in entertainment and life.
• Comparison of “the old cloth” vs. now—an ethos of keeping your mouth shut and learning by watching/living.

9. Life’s Unexpected Turns: From Prison Cells to Softball Fields

• Joey’s emotional recollection: sitting in a prison cell at his lowest, unable to imagine a future beyond the dark moment, and the reality years later—watching his daughter’s softball game, living a wholly different life.
  • Joey: “When I was in the cell… I never saw this baseball diamond. I never saw myself having a daughter… I never saw any of this…” (41:00)
• How moments of hopelessness can precede unexpected happiness, though such outcomes are invisible from the pit.

10. Comedy Career, Gigs, and the Hustle

• Insight into how to grind in comedy via open mics, running/selling out your own rooms, finding alternative spaces, and not accepting unpaid spots when clubs are charging audiences.
  • Joey: “Everybody in that room should be getting something… $10, when you’re a young comic, $10 goes a long way…” (84:50)
• Tales of ‘combat zone’ gigs in Montana and Wyoming and learning lessons from mentors who hustled creatively.
• Joey details an old-school comic who built local scenes, organized shows, and created a community newspaper—an example of hustling outside traditional circuits.

11. Future Plans and Absurdist Visions

• Final segment veers into a hilariously vulgar, unfiltered riff about Lee’s upcoming bachelor party—Joey's imagination running wild with pranks, “kidnapping,” and debauchery, delivered for maximum comedic effect.
  • Joey: “Who gets a lap dance at a bachelor party? What are you, 10? … you know, the black chick’s going to fart in your mouth. We’re going to put a sex ball in…” (105:16)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the end of the World Series:
  • “When it ended, it was like the ending of The Sopranos. Really? It ended like the Sopranos.”
    —Joey (02:33)
• On the lost art of listening:
  • “We have completely lost the gift of listening in the last 30, 40 years.”
    —Joey (07:22)
• On youthful arrogance:
  • “There’s a certain age we hit that we think we’ll fucking know it all. It starts at like 12 and a half. The first time we jerk off and something comes out, forget about it. That’s it. I’m running things from now.”
    —Joey (32:11)
• On learning the hard way:
  • "I got locked up for not claiming responsibility. ...I didn't know how to do that."
    —Joey (16:09)
• On nostalgia and change:
  • “These things will never happen again. How many times you go eat at a place for four or five years, then you come back... and you’re like, it ain’t the same.”
    —Joey (29:56)
• On stand-up’s grind:
  • “You don’t quit. You create your own market. And freaks meet freaks.”
    —Joey (53:03)
• On not waiting for permission:
  • “Getting on stage is the end all be all. Not you being here every night waiting with your mouth open. I’ll do 10 seconds, you know what I’m saying?”
    —Joey (58:58)
• On style and connection in comedy:
  • “You could be as dirty as you want, but your heart has to come out somewhere there so the audience knows you’re just fucking around…”
    —Joey (98:09)
• On future optimism from dark times:
  • “In your darkest moment, you don’t even see what you could become.”
    —Joey (41:00)
• On the phone as a toxic (but addictive) girlfriend:
  • “This is the girlfriend that fucking lies, cheats on you, steals from you, but when she does deliver, she puts her long tongue up your asshole ...You going to get rid of that?”
    —Joey (20:28)

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Important Timestamps (Approximate)

• 02:00 — Joey & Lee recap Halloween and family priorities.
• 07:22 — Joey’s treatise on the lost gift of listening.
• 12:18 — “Watching the wall” and learning by listening.
• 16:09 — Joey’s story of jail, responsibility, and learning to listen.
• 20:11 — On putting down the phone and ‘involvement’ in the present.
• 22:23 — Joey’s delight in CVS texts and local cats.
• 31:00 — Joey’s reflection on aging, health, and generational changes.
• 41:00 — Joey’s emotional prison-to-softball-field arc.
• 55:06 — Standing your ground with bookers, hustling for gigs.
• 75:36 — The realities of going up cold and “eating a bag of dicks” on stage.
• 84:50 — The ethics and economics of gigging in small rooms.
• 105:16 — The (fictitious, comic) plan for Lee’s bachelor party.

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Episode Tone & Vibe

Raw, unapologetic, and unscripted. Joey mixes hard-earned wisdom with the profane, the hilarious, and the brutally honest. Lee’s contribs keep things grounded, with the warmth of friendship and gentle self-deprecation.

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This episode is a ride through Joey’s philosophies on life and comedy, his sharp takes on generational shifts, and the continual challenges and joys of the stand-up hustle. Whether or not you’ve ever “passed out in a prison cell,” you’ll leave feeling entertained—and maybe reflecting on what advice you wish you’d listened to along the way.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this motherfucker, mule. What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with my favorite nephew, Lee Syat for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening now, new edition. It's Tuesday. The what? What is that? The 4th of November. Tip top. Chick chick. We're down to 8. Monday, still Christmas.

[B]

What's chick chick mean?

[A]

I don't know, it's something different. You know what I'm saying? What's up with you, dog? How was your weekend?

[B]

My weekend was good. My weekend was real good. I had. Dude, I had a. A competition show.

[A]

I saw that they had a little medal on your chest.

[B]

Oh, no, that was, that was.

[A]

I was going to repost the story, but when I saw the AI medal, I said, no, I'm not doing that to my dog. So you were in third grade, you.

[B]

Won competition Fiance did that on Instagram. They'll. They took a picture. I'm sure it might go out, who knows? But it was, it was fun. It was at the Comic Strip and it's. I don't know about you, but like, I've done so many competition shows and lost every single one of them. I watched one last one at flappers where the two guys before me, one was 70 years old and forgot his jokes and his like the people he brought had to tell him his jokes. And then like a 20 year old kid doing like impressions from the 80s and I, I came and I won a second place. So I got a big bowl of fries, but that's the best I've ever done. And so finally, we'll see. There's still a few rounds, but like, I moved on, which was pretty cool. I was happy with that.

[A]

All right. You had a good weekend though, all in all.

[B]

Yeah, Just stand up.

[A]

It was the fucking lamest Halloween. Not for me, but you know, I had a good time with my family. The kids.

[B]

Were you, huh? You were the wolf again?

[A]

Nah, I dressed up one time. I thought about it Friday night. I'm like, what am I, retarded? I'm going solo. I'm not dressing up like no fucking wolf. I got better shit to do. Everybody's gonna go there, they're gonna watch the World Series. I'm gonna be sitting there looking like a wolf, looking like a fucking Jet fan when they're losing by 40. Put your fucking Jet shirt on. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

So was Mercy upset or no?

[A]

Well, Mercy don't give a fuck if I dressed up or not, as long as I was at the party with her and she got to drive back in the car with me. That's all she gave a fuck about. We had a great time.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

There was food, blah, blah, blah. The dads went into the one room. I had a couple edibles in me. I just watched the game and then I went home. And then Saturday night, I don't even know what I did Saturday night. Oh, Nick came down and we watched the World Series and got Chinese food.

[B]

It was a good World Series. I haven't watched the World Series in a while. And those games, I don't know any of the players, but they were fun to watch.

[A]

Listen, I don't know any of the players either, but it was one of the. Like, I missed the game Sunday. Like Sunday night. I'm like, fuck Sunday Night Football. I wish there was another World Series game. Like, they gave him one more shot. America said, come on, give him one more shot. We don't know what happened at home. His foot was off, his foot was on. Which I'm not saying nothing bad. What I'm saying is it was an exciting fucking World Series. It was fucking tremendous. But when it ended, it was like the ending of the Sopranos. Really? It ended like the Sopranos.

[B]

I didn't get to watch the last game. I don't know how it ended.

[A]

It ended like the Sopranos, like they had a guy on first and second or something. First and third, two outs, one out. And the chubby Mexican Kirk into the quickest double play you ever saw. It was like, ba ba beep bop. And it was over. And all of a sudden, Freddie Free whatever was jumping up in the air, okay. And I'm like, holy shit. And I was the. And you could see the Toronto players. Like, my heart went out to them because their mind was. It's like your mind is still catching up. It's in slow motion still. They were just sitting there watching the coach. His face was red and you could see that he was still processing what he saw. He was too. You ever, like, watch a kung fu movie, they're always two minutes behind on the dubbing.

[B]

Oh, the dubbing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Or there's some channels you put on and you have the same football game on, but this game is delayed by 10 seconds. So they score and this game, they're still driving like that. It was like something like that, you know?

[B]

Yeah, because it. Starting with the 18 inning game, like, that's when I knew it was going to be. That's why when I was like, it's a fucking battle.

[A]

And we called it on the podcast, we said it that. That the Dodgers are just not going to go in there and sweep them. Listen, it's a setup, guys. It's always a setup. What was the setup game? Oshani having three home runs and 10 strikeouts. I think they won or they won the series. That series. That night. Correct.

[B]

Well, that was early, wasn't it? Like game like three, and then he had a game like either four or five where he like went over or like had a really bad game, it doesn't matter.

[A]

But he went one night. You're not listening to me. It was a setup. Okay, Forget about the O's, okay? They won that night, right? And he pitched, got 10 strikeouts.

[B]

That was a great game.

[A]

And three home runs. So now you were waiting for the winner of Toronto or whatever the fuck. They played Seattle, okay? You already had it in your fucking mind. They locked you in America, locked you the fuck in. And look how they even won. First off, you bet the Dodgers, you didn't make a killing. Number two, if you watch the games, I think Toronto covered more nights. Even when they're not won the World Series. They covered.

[B]

Really? Okay.

[A]

Because they were getting a run and a half every night, even when they were home. It's very what you saw last. And that 10 strikeout, three home run, that's for all the suckers who bet the Series.

[B]

Why are they suckers?

[A]

Okay? Because they jumped right on that without looking at the odds real quick to see what was going to manifest. That's what that does. It's just impulsive. They were talking when I got here. They're already betting the World Baseball fucking League. I'm good in my world. Baseball's over till April now. You understand me?

[B]

Yeah, but those. Like. I had a. It was just. It's. I haven't watched baseball, I don't think, in 10 years. And you know what got me back into it? I was driving back from Massachusetts and I would listen to the game on.

[A]

The radio saying that. How great it is to listen.

[B]

Fantastic. And it made. I was gambling on it. So I was like extra into it. And it was because, I don't know, I get bored watching baseball and tv. If I'm not really into the it, there's too much. But if. When you're driving, there's something about driving, it's not. You couldn't. It might not work at home, but driving and listening to. Because you can't look at your phone, you can't do shit. The announcers were getting into the game. It was. I felt like I was back in high school.

[A]

It's very crazy. When you and I started the church 12 years ago, and Felicia and I. I'll never forget when podcasts were first starting out. It was like Mark and Joe, a couple other people, and I would listen, and I was very intrigued because when I got here in 66, I mean, we were long out of the radio by the time I got here, but it was still lingering. In the 70s, they would still show you shows where people would sit around and listen to the Green Hornet. The Green Hornet, before Bruce Lee was ever even born, was a fucking radio show. And it was Tuesdays at 9, and a bunch of actors got together and you sat there and you listened. And it was very interesting to me. When the podcast stuff started, I was very much into doing something I had already seen. People in their fucking phones, dog. I grew up in Hudson County. You didn't look at nothing but what was in front of you. And every once in a while, you glance on the floor for a wallet. But it was. It was a very quick glance. Okay? So when I see people walking and not looking straight ahead, I'm already aggravated over the years. I already got used to it. You can't change a whole society of people. You cannot. It drives me crazy when you're looking at your phone and all of a sudden a bomb might go off in the city. And I'm not saying this, and I wish this happened. No, no, no. I'm just saying that when you're in the hospital, you're like, I wish I wouldn't have been looking at my fucking phone. You know? And when the podcast concept came up, I really was. My dick was hard, because this is going to get people to listen again. We have completely lost the gift of listening in the last 30, 40 years. We have completely lost it.

[B]

What's the gift of listening?

[A]

First off, it's a gift. You have five senses. All of them are fucking gifts. But the gift of listening has something more than the gift of yapping and the gift of listening. It's like when I tell you we fuck around all the time, but I'm not fucking around with you. Go to McDonald's tonight. Long a cheeseburger, you eat it in your car. You throw the wrapper out. Next time you fly, bring McDonald's on the plane and see what it fucking smells like on a plane. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the oxygen level. I don't know.

[B]

The chemicals expand or contract.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. What it is, okay? We don't listen as Americans no more. We look. And that looking has fucked up our brains. But I'm no psychotherapist. I know nothing about that. I'm just saying that people get up in the morning and start looking through reels and shit like that, you know, and start looking through reels then. There was a time when we listened to music, George. We went on Bergen Line on Saturdays. Went to one of the four album places. You bought the album. You stopped by Nick the Dick's house. Hopefully his sister sold you a joint for $2. You went home, you rolled it in the album and you listened to the album while you read the fucking lyrics or no lyrics. You listened. Then in 81, MTV came. So nobody listened to albums no more. They were just watching videos. So it became a different dynamic again. I was going off on Nick the other night about the cloth. We were raised. We were raised under a different cloth up here. It was a certain time, and people at home were going, what the fuck are you talking. Listen. It was a different cloth, okay? And it was the cloth of listening. And do me a favor. Keep your mouth shut. That was the cloth I grew up in. Don't deviate from that. Keep your mouth shut. This is no gangster shit. This was just common shit. Keep your mouth shut. All right? Listen. And we didn't. We went out and turned to the world as teenagers and couldn't wait to hear something, to tell somebody, me included. And then it takes a couple times. Then it. Like the first time it dawned on me was I. My mother had died, and there was a guy at Rendell Lumber that bought gold. I ain't gonna say his name. He was on the kinky side. And I loved him to death. And he used to give me a job. I told you, Lee. He used to pay me 20 bucks an hour to sit and watch his wall. Because he built walls for a living. And he was just. He didn't need me to watch the wall. He just was friends with somebody. I told him, give him work. And this guy would always make me watch the wall.

[B]

For how long?

[A]

Three hours. He would drop me off at seven. I'd stay there till ten. There was no phone. Then there was nothing. Nobody was gonna sit with me. They'd be missing a party. So I just sat there by myself. Cause I knew $60 was $60. I was maybe a freshman in high school, and I knew the people I was dealing with. So they told me to watch a wall. And I watched the wall, okay? And I never Repeated it to nobody. People go like, where were you? I was babysitting my brother. I got no brother. You know what I'm saying? I got no brother. But I would watch this wall. And then, like, three months, three months later. What were you looking for?

[B]

Were you guarding the wall?

[A]

He just told me to sit there and watch the wall. And that's what I did. I would watch the wall grow. Like, every three minutes, there was a little light from the street. There were people who lived down the corner. He built the wall for somebody, Lee. And he didn't want kids jumping on the wall or whatever. So he put me in charge of nobody touching the fucking wall.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

All right. And then something happened. One night we were talking and it was a Friday, and I got off of work at 5, and him and I were talking about a gold desk. It was slow. It was a lumber yard. But he had the. Where they buy gold in the back. This is 78. Gold was 800 an ounce. And people were losing their mind. Today, it's 3200 an ounce. It's fucking amazing. And you know how much gold I sold at $800 that I stole? I wish I had two pencils that were gold. I'd stick them both into my eyeballs right now, okay? Oh, right now, somebody's laughing at me. I remember one night, something happened and we were talking about something. It was a Friday, and we were talking about something and he knew somebody and he said something to me. He said, don't go down there on a Friday night. We're just talking about somewhere. And I can't remember. Remember the university in Georgia where you got Quaaludes? Up there by Kennedy Boulevard. It was down the block from Sears Roebuck. It's something now, but in 70, 72, 73, 82. It was called the University Inn. It was a bar with a door guy on the outside. And you went in there and whatever. Well, we used to go down there and get Quaaludes. It was like trying to be 16 and getting beers. You had to go out there and call somebody. Hey, can you see if Nick is inside? Then Nick would come out. You go, nick, give me a Quaalude. And he would go back in and ask for the Quaalude. Well, that particular night, we went down on a Friday. I remember who I was with and everything. And we had like, 30 bucks to buy, like 10 quaaludes, 40 bucks. And we went there and I had the 40 bucks in my pocket. And I was with some other guy. We Were both sophomores. And I'll never forget that. I fucking. I asked the doorman, is whatever in there? And he goes, no, he's not here tonight. And I'm like, getting into the argument with the guy about that. He is here. I had, like, a half a vodka in me. All of a sudden, I'm a tough guy. And within fucking three minutes, the place got swarmed with fucking cops.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Right? And I'm thinking, holy shit. They called the cops on me. Nah, it was like Union City police were swarming the place for drugs. They were serving a warrant for fucking drugs. Every Union City cop in the world was there. And they fucking pulled me aside. Me and this other kid who doesn't live in North Berger no more, but he's still alive. And they asked us identification. What are you doing here? We were like, we're looking. We met a girl. No, you didn't. They asked us how much money we had. Thank God we had nothing on us. Thank God that guy wasn't there. I mean, it was night, bro. We were fucking 16. You know what I'm saying? They were gonna fucking take us to North Bergen Court and get ripped up two weeks later. That's the way it worked back then. But it doesn't matter. I'll never forget a week later being at the lumber yard, and he was there, and he goes, one of my friends told me you were at the university and they got raided. I'm like, yeah. He goes, what did I tell you that Friday? Not to go down there? I go, but you didn't say they were going to get raided. He goes, I wasn't supposed to tell you we were going to get raided. You didn't listen to me. I told you not to go down there. And that always fucked with me. From that time. That always fucked with me. And I was maybe 16, that I hadn't paid attention because that's the way I was raised. I didn't read through the lines. They would tell you, the people I grew up with, my mom and stepdad, they would go, hey, don't go over there. And then three weeks later, something bad would happen over there. And you go, oh, I understood why. I don't have to tell you why. Why make an accessory to a felony? I'm just telling you, don't fucking go over there no more. You see him on the street, across the street, He's a rat. You know, that's the way my parents were with me. They tell me this shit in case they want to come talk to me about something. So it's pretty interesting. And then I got locked up. Then I got locked up and I got drilled into me listening that. I didn't listen to the people that were trying to tell me why I got locked up. I didn't get locked up for fucking getting involved in that drug thing. I got locked up for not claiming responsibility. And I didn't listen to them. And I didn't learn until after the fact what these people were even talking about. They kept talking about claiming responsibility. Where I came from, you don't know nothing. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? So where I came from, Joey, the guy slipped and fell in front of you. There's three witnesses who said you pushed him on the train tracks. I'm telling you, he fell. They didn't want to hear that. They wanted to hear I fucked up and I didn't know how to do that. And then I learned when I got locked up. But the test that fucked me up the most about listening was, like, one of the counselors was just talking to me one day, and they were just. They said, there's no rehabilitation in prison, and there really isn't. But there's always a couple good people in there that talk to you, you know? And we were just talking about listening, how important it is to really fucking listen. When I was a kid, what was my favorite show? The Honeymooners and the Odd Couple. One of my favorite. One of my favorite fucking episodes of the Odd Couple is when that big football player from the 70s was on there, Deacon Jones. That motherfucker was an animal. He did an episode with Oscar, and at the end, Oscar goes, deacon, why don't you talk much? And he goes, because if you. If you speak, you have to listen. Was that the Indian authorities?

[B]

No, it was my mom.

[A]

Okay. She doing all right?

[B]

Yeah, she's good.

[A]

So it's really weird that we now, especially now, you can't get nobody. I can see it with my daughter. I'm watching it hatch. And I'm not mad at her for it. This is what our senses. There's no more radio.

[B]

Yeah, not really.

[A]

So that's not a sense that's heightened no more. It's the eyeballs and fucking whatever else tingles in their body when they go through reels or whatever the fuck they do, you know?

[B]

Have you tried to, like, teach Mercy how to listen?

[A]

Like.

[B]

I'm not saying she doesn't. I'm just saying, like, is it something as a parent.

[A]

Is it something that you have to fall a couple times and then you put together when somebody tells you to listen, you're like, what is he? What is this fucking jerk off talking about? I listen all day. I listen to farts, I listen to birds. I listen to this idiot, you know, trying to fucking race a jig rig up the corner. You know.

[B]

I don't even know if.

[A]

I want to know what a jig.

[B]

Rig is, to be honest with you.

[A]

Some fucking old Jap car. They deliver Chinese food. They build the car as it goes. This week I'm getting a muffler. So for two weeks I gotta hear noise. You know, that's the gift of that. So you always tell people that. What the fuck is he talking about? He's an asshole. I listen to everything. Yeah, we do listen to everything, but we really don't listen. And when you focus on listening, it's pretty fucking. You love it when you go to the doctor's office. I keep the phone away and I just listen anywhere I go. I'll keep the phone out of there as much as I can to listen to what the fuck is going on. And it's superb. It's superb.

[B]

It really. When you don't have your phone, it really shows you, like. I don't know, I feel like so much more involved. Like, it's amazing. All I can think about when you're talking about this is like, I want to get. Like, I want to throw this thing in the fire.

[A]

We all do.

[B]

I hate it.

[A]

We just don't have the balls to. This is the girlfriend that fucking lies, cheats on you, steals from you, but when she does deliver, she puts her long tongue up your asshole and blows grapes in it. You know, how you going to get rid of that? You know what I'm saying?

[B]

You're only so strong.

[A]

You want to 10 dudes, go ahead, just come back on Monday, stick that long tongue up my asshole and pick the raisins out, you know? Oh, no.

[B]

That's what an iPhone is to you. Oh my God. Feel like you have one woman in mind too, with that.

[A]

You gotta. You gotta build this scenario from time to time so people understand what the we're getting out here.

[B]

A scenario for why you hate phones is getting your asshole tongued.

[A]

No, I'm just saying that it's not that. Listen, Matt, you want to throw away your phone, we listen. We all fucking know that 70% of the shit on there we don't need to see, okay? No, it's repetitive. All I get fucking emails from Ozempic. That's all. Get your car fixed, bank of America. We got a loan for you.

[B]

Do you read your junk mail? I just. If I. I got.

[A]

Look, I got.

[B]

Why do you read your junk email?

[A]

Payment decline. 24 hours left. Claim your super anti spyware discount. Do I look like a spy to you? I mean, what. You know, this is the shit I get. And this is my regular email. I got business, that's the book company, that's caa. There's three emails. There was a time when I opened up and I had 22 emails. Nobody even emails no more. Nobody. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah, but you get annoyed by emails, but you want business emails now you.

[A]

Get fucking look at fucking CVS showed up heavy.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Your love for. Let's see the coupons you got.

[A]

Listen, the text message from CVS makes my dick hard. It's always good news how much money I want. How much money they're fucking saving me a month or whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? I love cvs. Love it, love it.

[B]

Do you have a specific one you like the best?

[A]

The one by my house? I ain't gonna disclose it, right? No, because then I'll have a bunch of lurkers down there.

[B]

But why do you like that cvs?

[A]

Because I could feed the cats in the back.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

There's a head shop down the corner where I go get in the same complex where you have cvs. You got no food in there. They're supposed to have this and that. I never even stopped to get shit in there. But they have a head shop and it's not bad. Just don't listen to the owner. Last time I went in there with a friend, my friend said when he came out, the guy had rings around his nose and he wouldn't shut up about Jupiter or some shit. Yeah, the kid tried to sell me. You got to get these synthetic mushrooms, man. You're gonna love him. I ate the whole fuck. He goes, only eat a half. I ate the whole fucking thing and nothing happened. Nothing. They were duds.

[B]

And this is why you like the cvs, though.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Being around the.

[A]

No, no, no. There's a couple of things in that CVS that are very interesting. There's a bunch of. For five fucking years that I've lived here. There's a family of black and white cats back there. I don't know how they stayed alive right there on that fucking highway. I don't know how they've done it, but I've watched them grow from the kitten. Then the kitten got older and she got fucked. Then she had a kitten. Then the mother got hit by a car. It's been like. And they're all black and white and they all wait for you. If you go to CVS around 9:30 when you pull up, they're waiting for you by the post, right? They wait by the post. I go in, I get something and I bring a little can of fucking cat food. I open it up and they'll let you get like four feet close. They know me by now. But then I take the ride around the building and I see how many people are in the hooker house behind cvs. And then I pop out and I shoot down. And if I need easy widers or a couple lighters, I go in that place and I get it. It's one stop shopping for Uncle Joey.

[B]

Why are you checking into how many people are at their whorehouse?

[A]

I wanna see what's cracking lacking in my community. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Do you like write it down or like.

[A]

No, what am I, a fucking sleuth? I just take a ride to see how many guys are getting their pencils sucked on a Tuesday night. That's good when you're trying to figure out what's going on with the economy, man.

[B]

How's it doing?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

How is the whorehouse doing right now?

[A]

You know? Kim Sikkumsa Friday nights they're packed like any other fucking dump. But during the week they're slugger. I don't even know what they got in there. I was going to go in there like with a phony mustache and see what kind of chicks they had.

[B]

Would that be the only part of your disguise or would it just be you with a mustache?

[A]

Because I got a long jacket.

[B]

Yeah, we gotta hide you a little bit.

[A]

And a baseball hat. I got like a long fucking nice jacket that I wore to a premiere. I wore it last New Year's and that was it. I paid for this jacket eight years ago. Ten years ago, that's all you used 12 years ago. And I've used it three times.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

When I took it to the dry cleaner, I left it there for six months. I'm surprised. Little Chinese guy still had it. I had to send my wife in there to get it. I dropped it off after New Year's and fuck it, I didn't pick it. He asked my wife, where is he? The hospital. And that was it. The guy's like, oh, tell him to get well. I haven't been in there in months. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh, my God, I forgot.

[A]

I pick up dry cleaning. It used to be a party every day when you, you know, you got suits and shit.

[B]

I love leaving stuff there.

[A]

Where the dry cleaner. Yeah.

[B]

Do you know where it is? It's always nice.

[A]

They call you like 10 times. But see, these dry cleaners suck, right? First of all, you got no Chinese people running things. That's the biggest dog they used. George, tell these motherfuckers you went with your laundry to a Chinese joint. When you picked it up on Friday, your underwear were ironed with a crease on it with starch. White shirts, you know how, like, white T shirts, you wash them and you got like, what the fuck, dawg? Your white shirts lasted for 10 years because they start, they starch those collars tight, tight shit. Your little tighty whities. Shit. When you took them off at night, they stood in the corner waiting for you the next day. It was like a little helmet for a retard. If you turn it upside down. If you turn it upside down, your underwear, you would just take them off at night, dog. And they sat there like a little retard helmet or a pair of underwear, a little dog. You could just turn them around, put like a light bulb in there. You could be like a Martian and shit. Those underwear stayed tight for like two days. By Sunday, they got some whip to them, you know, some fucking ass because they were so tight that the cotton wouldn't even go up your asshole so you wouldn't have a filth and you would never get skid marks.

[B]

Oh, that's nice.

[A]

No, it was uncomfortable. But let me tell you something. You got three days out of a pair on the way. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

No, that's a nightmare.

[A]

No, not these. Because they were tight, so they didn't creep. If you have underwear on for two days, right, the creep comes up your ass and eventually you're going to get a skid mark on that dude or two. We all get.

[B]

I change underwear, like, at least once a day.

[A]

Oh, please. I know that. Look at the, you know.

[B]

No, it's not good.

[A]

You have a little hand to extend to wipe your ass yet.

[B]

Like, I, I, I would. I needed it when I was that big. When I was that big.

[A]

I was our next invention.

[B]

It's not an invention.

[A]

And we advertising the obesity. Obesity times. Like a stick to wipe your ass when you get too big. You ever see somebody that's so big and you're like, you know what? I ain't no math major, but geographically, whatever the fuck, you know, circles, all that. 3.14 circles? Yeah. Like, you know, by circumference. There's no way her arms are reaching. There was a woman I used to look at all the time in Seattle, and I go, there's no way she could wipe her ass unless she goes deep between the legs and pulls, like, the frog. That's when you wipe. But what if her arm gets stuck and she throws it back out? That's a fucking nightmare, too. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Did you call it the frog?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I was that big, I needed to, like, I would stand up.

[A]

The retard helmet.

[B]

We should have a counter on the screen. How many times you say retard?

[A]

Oh, who cares? At this point, though, what do you. What do you want from me? I'm 62. I'm not going to change at this point. It's no disrespect to no retarded kids. I'm not going to disrespect people, insult people. I'm just. This is making a point.

[B]

I can't imagine. I do. I did miss. I do miss that.

[A]

What?

[B]

Getting my laundry done at the Laundromat, dropping it off.

[A]

But I never had Asian nothing. They just spray, like, Febreze on it and give it back.

[B]

They ruin it a lot.

[A]

Yeah, they. They ruin it. They forget. They forgot the whole. That's an art. That's an art. There's some things that people will not let go, that I've learned to let go. It's been difficult. That whole lifestyle we had, that's an art. Chance Dragone in. That was an art. I don't care who decided, you know, the Yankees, that's a work of art. Back then. They all went. Look at. We both were cheering for Dom Matley. He's still out there, 100 years old with his little glasses on. We cheered for him. Why? Because he was part of a fucking. Just weird thing that'll never happen again. These things will never happen again. How many times you go and you eat at a place for four or five years and then you move away and you move away for two years. You come back, you go to that place and you're like, it ain't the same.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

It's like anything else, you know? So what do you want from me? I'm just trying to put the pieces together here on a fucking Tuesday morning. That's it.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

I got problems just like everybody else. You understand me? I got a bump Foot. I got everything. I got nothing. I got nothing wrong with my foot. I got a lymph node, but it's gonna fuck up my right foot.

[B]

So what the fuck is a lymph node?

[A]

It's. I don't know, what do you. What I look like, a fucking Professor Sinai? All I know is I got a lymph node around my groin area. So I gotta go take a little fucking ink test or some shit. They don't have to put no ink in my dick. Thank God. In the hospital, they told me they were gonna put a catheter in my dick for it to drain.

[B]

Oh, that's my nightmare.

[A]

Oh. But I've been pissing like a motherfucker because now I learned how to piss. The lady told me today, she goes, don't hold your piss. Like, I was just walking down the stairs, I had a piss, I took my dick out. I'm not. I'm not holding back no more. So if you. If you step on something wet, it's my piss. I don't give a fuck no more. I'm 62 years old. I'm an old man. I got problems. I don't hear so good sometimes, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

What does hearing have to do with pissing?

[A]

Because the same shit. I don't fucking know, guys. I don't know. It's just.

[B]

You feeling okay?

[A]

I'm feeling tip top, Magoo. Honest to God. God bless everybody. Thank you for your support. I feel great, you know, I have to. I gotta pee, guys. I can't sit here for 20 minutes and hold it in and then get upset. Something happened. Something happened to my system years ago, you know, hiding from the cops. You can't pee, you gotta lock yourself under the door and shit under the bed. Shit like that. Who the fuck knows anymore?

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

But, yeah, it's pretty interesting how. Yeah, I always. I don't know if I miss it, but I know we're going to be in the years to come. Like my daughter, they just don't listen. Why?

[B]

I mean, and I. It's. It's too bad because I understand from their viewpoint, like, if I had a phone at that age, why would I listen? Just listen to something.

[A]

I didn't listen either, but you did.

[B]

How many albums you listen to? Like, I. That's how I got into I. That's why I love. Honestly. And I'm nowhere near. And I'm not saying I'm doing anything.

[A]

But listening to a comedy album, listening to what people are trying to Tell you, okay, Two different fucking things.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

There's a certain age we hit that, we think we'll fucking know it all. We think we know it all. We all are. We all have this fucking delusion. We all know more than everybody. It starts at like 12 and a half. The first time we jerk off and something comes out, forget about it. That's it. I'm running things from now. You can't even get up in the morning to hold the job. What the fuck are you running? But in our mind, we're running things. We got music on, you know, we think like we're paying bills and shit. I didn't want sugar pops, you know what I'm saying? I wanted corn flakes in this motherfucker. Ba. Bam. And then you get the right hook. It's something that I'm looking at now, you know, I tell you that you look at yourself and all your fucking flaws and you try to have your kids not have those flaws or even the people around you. Like, even with comedy, I tell people, listen, if you got these little flaws as a comedy, get rid of them. Because there's nowhere for those flaws, you know? Like, everything has that, you know? I wanted to be a chef, okay? I love food. What episode of this shit or what conversation do we have that we don't come up with Food somewhere? I love food. I could have made a million dollars right now as a TV chef. As a chef, I would have started at Rudy's or something with no teeth. Right now. I would have been fucking better than those fucking idiots because I would have hit you with the Italian flavor, the Hudson county flavor, the Cuban flavor, and everything. I learned all over the country, all the prisons, the county jails, forget about it, okay? But at the same time, I never got into cooking. Why? Because I knew if I cut myself, you know, I get raped in the kitchen, it's all over.

[B]

What?

[A]

I wake up and the head chef is banging me with sushi.

[B]

You know, they're both doing it. What, you think that's what happens when you pass out in the kitchen?

[A]

From my world? Yeah. You wake up with a funny taste in your mouth.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Right? Girls fucking take people to court all day long about that. They pass out and they wake up and their world changed. I don't know what happened. My bra was sticky, you know? Yeah, you passed out of the fucking bar. What do you think? With a bunch of animals, what do you think is going to happen? Even though it's not, you can't do that. But people are still going to try that shit. So in my world, I always was very dog. I fucking passed out in a jail cell. Like, I refused to pass out in a jail cell in front of 16 guys. And finally when the jail cell was empty, I'm like, ooh, that was close. And I was sitting there with the cotton ball in my arm and I'm like, let me take this motherfucker out. And I took my arm down and took the cotton ball. It was just a dot of blood. Boom. I fell. I fainted. So I was always petrified of fainting in public. That's my biggest fear. Like the other Friday, I went to Jiu Jitsu and I'm walking out and 11:30, the fucking Mexican wants to mop now. Where's ice when you need them? Where the fucking ice when you need it? It's 11:45. This Mexican wants to mop now.

[B]

Why can't he mop now?

[A]

I got my Nikes. They're like fucking flip flops, right? I'm like, there's a certain ceramic tile. It's like ice skate with these fucking things. Those kids in China got to put some anti skid fucking things on here or some. Oh, my God. I fucking just went and I held on and I banged my head on the. My head still hurts. I've been walking around like ace freely for three fucking days thinking when this is going to end. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, let's go to a quick break. We got to talk to you about a couple of things. We'll be right back. Jack, what's happening? Beautiful people, Uncle Joe here. Ever since I've been getting out of the hospital, I started on my myoma treatment again. Listen, if you've been struggling with your weight, your energy, or your hormone levels, you. It's time to take better care of yourself and your gut like I did. Bioma makes it easy. It's a gut supplement that has prebiotics, probiotics, and postbiotics, all three of them, baby. You get your microbiome acting like it should just take two capsules before breakfast, and you're good to go the rest of the day. You know what I'm saying? You're going to listen, give it a couple days. You're going to feel great about yourself. You. You're going to feel a little lighter and you're going to feel a little bit healthier. Bioma helps calm your brain fog, anxiety, and those mood swings. Your gut will be better and your life will be a lot better. It's A win all around. Listen to what we're going to do here on the church, okay? Take 15% off your Biomar order. To get started, just click the link to our show notes and press in code Joey, J, O, E, Y. That's code Joey for 15% off your order when you click on the link in our show notes. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here, listen. Halloween is over, and this is the time of the year for the real tricky Tricky from Savages. You want to walk in the room, dick first. Correct. With your ball sticking out of your pants, people looking at you like, what's this guy up to? You want that? You got to make an impression with Bluechew. You're like, joey, watch Bluechew. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Yeah, make your crotch stronger, harder and longer lasting. Like someone gave you downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership and many other things. You understand me? Listen, I'm an old man. When I need that voodoo stick to get up, I pop a little Blue Chew. That motherfucker was vibrating the other night. When was the last time your dick went from up to time? I even called my wife. Look at this fucking savage. You better jump on it before it starts vibrating. That's Bluechew. Give her the book club. Something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Bluechew, okay? Discover your [e-mail] and since it's Tuesday, it's the first Tuesday in November, I got a special deal for all our family members. As always, we're going to give you your first month of Bluetooth for free. That's like giving you a fucking pass to sling dick with a membership card with a picture of your balls on it. You understand me? Just use promo code Joey at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time with that. Listen, that little dick of yours will put that motherfucker to work, Jack. I don't care if it's 12 inches a half inch, it doesn't matter. With Blue Chew, you become a fucking animal. You understand me? So head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. Like, when your dick gets hard, don't hit it with a hammer. That's Bluechew, cocksuckers. You know what I'm saying? We're back. What's up, beautiful people? You Know what I love about this time of the year? This is the time of year where you gotta fucking rock and roll. You gotta rock and roll. This is it. You wanna start 20, 26 on the right foot, and you wanna fucking barrel through this motherfucker. You ain't got time to worry about Bad Bunny. See? Bad Bunny all went away. That's it. What happened? They shot three more people and Bad Bunny disappeared. That's it. Nobody cares about Bad Bunny. Nobody cares about Cracker Barrel. And nobody's talking about the Epstein's no more. You see how life, everybody. Everybody goes their own way. And you live, you survive. It's fucking crazy that while you're going through it, you don't think. Why are you looking at me like I'm fucking the Mallook? You know?

[B]

I'm just trying to figure out how you're gonna like what this means.

[A]

The other day, I'm sitting there and I'm watching my daughter play softball, whatever. I'm watching her. I'm watching the girls from her team bat. I'm watching them in the dugout. I'm watching the girls on the other team, how they're acting, you know, watching the field. I'm looking at the trees. I said something to George before he came. Seriously, man.

[B]

You had a lot of experience from watching the wall.

[A]

I'm sitting there. Stupid, though. I'm sitting there and I'm watching this. This game, you know? And I'm like, jesus fucking Christ, this is as good as it gets. Like, in my world, like, for you, right now, you're like, joey, me going to this on a Tuesday. I understand everybody has their own fucking personal whatever, but for me, that's as good as it gets, you know? And I'm like, what the fuck? When they were sentencing me, after they sentencing me, and they threw me in the cell, and I had to wait. That was like, maybe the darkest two hours of my life. It was so dark that I passed out. Even after I snorted a line of coke that would have killed the mule. It was still in the suit jacket. I didn't even know. I put my hand in my jacket and there was a Coke. I'm like, goddamn. That's where it went. I lost that coke rock, like, two weeks before I crushed it up. Did a line by the back the. Cause they had cameras in there in those days, so I had to do a line of coke by the fucking toilet. I did the whole thing, threw the paperwork, and I sat there and I remember just. It was okay for about eight minutes. And then I just got into a state of depression. And then I woke up, when they woke me up, going, joey, we got you a cell and some clothes. You have to change, and they're gonna shake you down, all that shit. But anyway, I'm not even thinking about that. I'm thinking about when I was sitting there, like, I never saw this. Like, I was in such a dark place that I never saw this. Like, I never saw this baseball diamond. I never saw myself having a daughter. I never saw myself doing anything. You know, here I was in the cell, looking at four years, thinking I had to do the four years, thinking that my life was over, thinking that when I get out of jail, this girl would be gone, just thinking a thousand things. I never thought about the flip side of what could happen, you know? And it's fucking bothered me for a couple minutes, and I'm like, well, okay, so what if the guard came into the cell and I go, hey, can I talk to you about something? I want to talk to you about my personal feelings, even though I'm feeling kind of fucking down. In 20 years, I'm going to have a daughter and I'm going to have a. I'm going to be at a softball game, and I'm gonna, you know, make mortgage payments and fucking, you know, I'm gonna be a decent American. And this guy is like, yeah, you keep saying that to yourself. As a matter of fact, let's take you down to Psych. They might wanna talk to you. You know what I'm saying? Because you would never think that. What I'm trying to say is, in your darkest moment, you don't even see what you could become. Or people always go, well, I love when people say that. When you give blood, just think of a happy time, okay, when I got ice cream with my daughter. How happy is that? It cost me 18 bucks. You know what I'm saying, dog? I went to Carvel last week. Three Sundays, like, 30 bucks. I'm like, what the fuck happened here? This was happy. I was happy.

[B]

This image of you yelling this at a poor Carvel cashier.

[A]

I'm just. I'm just saying that people always say, you know, you have to, like, to lower your blood pressure. Like when my blood pressure is high in the hospital, they're like, okay, let's take a breather. We want you to go somewhere where you're happy. And then they would ask you, like, what's your happy point? You're like, let me tell you something. Right now. All I see, my happy point is me Laying naked. And right there, you got to stop. Because they're like, where's this going? You know where this is going? I got three Chinese chicks from the Janet Jackson video if jumping up and down on my face. You know what I'm saying? And one of them's got her toe in my nose. So I could smell a little Chinese toe deep in the crevice of my nose. I don't fucking know what makes me think.

[B]

It sounds like you've thought about it before.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I think about a lot of things.

[B]

Holy shit. And who are you telling this to?

[A]

Like, anybody who comes in to talk to you when you get locked up, a bunch of people usually come in. Are you holding up okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm a tough guy. I'm fine. But no, you're not really a tough guy. And I'm not just talking about that. Like, I. Even though I'm in the hospital for four fucking days, by the third, second day, your blood pressure's still up and you're thinking about some weird shit. And at that time, I did think about other shit. I said, you know what? This is nothing compared to what I've been through already. A little blood pressure. This ain't none. This is just a fucking minute in time. I'm not going nowhere. So I looked at it like a positive way. But it's so weird how some things you look at positive and some things you look at, you're like, who knows what's going to happen? No, you got to see it. Like, I didn't see none of that shit, and I'm still pissed. Like, again, this is the type of podcast, if you're listening and if you're young, you're like, what the is Joey talking about? This goes back to listening. This goes back to listening, Dog, I'm so fucking high. I have confused even myself. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Those are good. But it. Like, are you talking about, like, listening to when you're younger, of, like, taking care of yourself? Because you've. Since I've known. You've been taking.

[A]

No. Listening to, like, when you or you do go to a. Somewhere and they, like, you know, think of sometimes when you were happy, I don't know, all the situations, maybe, you know, whatever. But people go, you know, think of a time when you were happy, and you really gotta. By the time you get stressed out thinking, like, I'm stressed out just thinking about when I was right, it's hard.

[B]

To think about a time to be really happy.

[A]

And I could tell you Generic answers. The birth of my daughter. I was behind a curtain, scared I was gonna pass out from all the blood and watching my wife's snatch blow up. I don't need to watch that shit. Somebody shot it with a double barrel shotgun. There's blood everywhere. Looks like Kennedy said, you know, saying.

[B]

Sounds like it was really tough on you.

[A]

You what?

[B]

It sounds like it was really tough on you.

[A]

Yeah, it was tough on me. That's. And then I went on Google. They scared the shit out of me about pregnancy and blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah, blah. I'll never forget, dog, the first time I was married, my wife was pregnant. George came to the wedding. He was the best man. And fucking George left by that time. And the baby was born in February. And the plan was, there was a Boulder hospital and then there was a hospital across the street called, like, the birthing center, where women let their hair pits grow and they have sandals. They do yoga before you're pregnant. And they mediate. They fucking, you know, meditate. It's all going to be fine. No drugs. It's all natural. And I remember her water broke and, you know, we took the fucking car over there, and when I got there, they all came out with bongs and hit the drums. You know, the energy of the mountains will heal you. And meanwhile, she's dilating, you know.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And fucking. They yelling and screaming and women are like, what's going on? Like, breathe, breathe. What's that class you go to?

[B]

Lamaze.

[A]

Lamaze. That's a waste of time. That's just a. Oh, it's eight weeks of torture. Just take the highest dose edible and put Visine in your eyes and look straight ahead and nod when they talk to you.

[B]

Wait, now when you're pregnant?

[A]

No, when they're pregnant. Oh, the guy goes, trust me. You'll be at all of them with a notepad. She's going to make you write everything down.

[B]

You're supposed to.

[A]

You're going to. No, you're not. You're not supposed to be a half a fag. Those are the nights you have shows out of town. In fact, you just got a European tour, okay? And it's every Thursday. You gotta fly out. What time is it? Six. Oh, my God. I can't. I just. I'm gonna miss my child. Listen, it don't work. Let them go with the line.

[B]

It doesn't work.

[A]

It don't work.

[B]

Doesn't everyone do it?

[A]

Yeah, everyone does because they don't know. They're fucking idiots. See if they Go back. The second time they go to fucking someplace and eat chicken sticks. They don't go to Lamaze the second time. Chicken sticks. The mothers get fat and they get ready for fucking the bomb to drop because they know what they're going to go through already. You're not going to use any of that shit. It's like learning karate as a kid. You learn eight years of karate, you get beat up. In the eighth grade, you didn't even use the karate. How do I know? Because it happened to me, all right? I thought I was a master and shit. Then they got me. Boom, I went down. No more karate. That was it. I got my $35 a month back.

[B]

So. What do you mean they don't use it when they're giving birth?

[A]

What?

[B]

They don't actually use the breathing stuff during birth?

[A]

Not a fucking thing.

[B]

What happens?

[A]

They're yelling, motherfucker, I hate Jews. Why don't you come into my life? I can't take the pain. Give me more. Give me more. Is that the baby? Breathe. And you're like, breathe, breathe. There's, like, words. They give you, like, trigger words. Well, not then, but then they had, like, words you use to calm everybody down. That shit goes out the window. It's like when you breathe. It's like when you come early and you go online and you learn the course on how to fucking take eight minutes to come. You know.

[B]

There's a course?

[A]

Yeah. You practice it for like, eight months. Like. Oh, yeah, eight months. It's like when you whack off and it lasts you in the shower, right? And. And also, you're in there 22 minutes. You're like, ah, wait till I got a piece of this weekend. And then you go to the house, you take your undies off, and there it is. Your jizz is on your foot and on the underwear. You're like, what happened? What happened to my jizz? Cardio here.

[B]

And you always have. That's why I'm always so, like. You have stories about, like, all that crazy, like. But. Oh, my God.

[A]

About what?

[B]

I don't know, dude.

[A]

No, we're just talking about facts here. Like, we. We mentally put all this shit. It doesn't matter.

[B]

What do you mean, it doesn't matter?

[A]

Like, at 62, I'm telling you, none of this shit matters, guys. If I would have told everybody in my life to go fuck themselves, I would have been a lot better off. From day one, everybody. No, but it's, you know, the idea. I'm sitting there going, man, I Pandered for a lot of years, and I wish I didn't, because. But you have to. You're learning. You're learning. And it's not that I pandered, but I listened. And when I'm looking at these people, I'm like, maybe they know what they're talking about. You're like, they don't. I learned more fucking selling nickel bags at North Bergen High than I did.

[B]

You know, I can see that. And I, like, I feel like I'm pandering, right? It's not a good feeling when. When you're not really getting booked yet, like, or when you're starting to. I don't know, like, you do whatever you like. You'll do too much. Like, listen, Like, I don't know. I. It doesn't feel good to have. Feel like you have no power. And it's cool to listen to you talk now and be like, oh, I have all the power.

[A]

I never had any power.

[B]

You don't think so?

[A]

You know, I'm thinking about a scenario. I'm 96 and a half. I'm doing comedy. Five and a half years. I'm pretty good up in Seattle. I'm a pretty good feature act. I'm dirty. But you know what? I was a hustler. At least I was going somewhere. At least I thought I was going somewhere. And I had a few incidents with bookers, which is always going to happen, you know, if there's five bookers, you're not gonna get along with all of them, right? No. Unless you pander to all of them. Right? And if you're gonna go against the grain, you better have a reason when they come at you. Already planned, that is. What's the biggest problem you have with edgy comics. They can't get booked because they're too edgy. Okay? So they can't. They give up. Do you follow? I'm saying, like, it's not.

[B]

It's definitely harder.

[A]

It's very hard.

[B]

Depending, depending on the shows, very hard.

[A]

But you don't quit. You create your own market. And freaks meet freaks.

[B]

Yeah, there's definitely dirtier shows.

[A]

Freaks meet freaks. When you declare you're not like everybody else, which everybody falls into a different category. Some guys want to jump up and down. Some guys want to do magic. Some guys want to work spotless, clean. Listen, if you can make a fucking living and feed your kids, I don't give a fuck if you get on stage and blow lightning. Remember that thing in the Little Rascals when they shot Yum Yum. Eat them up. Roman candles. If you shoot three Roman candles out of your ass, charge $25 and sell out the Garden, who am I to argue with you? I'm up there trying to be witty. Well, my daughter's 12, and you're up there. Hold on one second, ladies and gentlemen. You play a national anthem, you fucking come out with a red tie like our friend there. You know what I'm saying? You fucking bend over.

[B]

Why are you bending over?

[A]

Yeah. Because you have to bend over to stick the bottle rocket out your ass. You have a Chinese guy come out, and all of a sudden a little Chinese guy comes out and plays techno for 20 minutes while they stitch up your one ass cheek and they put fucking calamine. And they put calamine lotion on the other cheek for the birds. And then you go back out there and you stick another thing. I'm just saying, guys, I'm just fucking. It's a. It's a joke, right? I get you, but whatever the fuck you do, I can't. Like, there's people that go, well, he's a hack. Or he's the. If he's getting paid, he's doing something right. He's talking somebody. It's like the pitcher that got beat up by the guy who threw two home runs in a row the second night. The third night, he came out, dog. He went from being. Yeah. He threw one bow and then he threw another pitch. Bah. It was one for each eye, bro. He went looking from 28 to looking like me. He had bags down here. The whole series. Like, I don't even know where I was going with this. I was just remembering the World Series, you know what I'm saying? But, yeah, anyway, what are we talking about here?

[B]

I don't remember.

[A]

No, but I'm just saying that as a comic. Oh, bro, you're always. So anyway, I had beef with this particular lady.

[B]

A booger.

[A]

She defeated me. So basically, at that time, I had the Comedy Underground, which is a great club to be a part of. I had Giggles, which was the pilot that was in Vietnam. Again, this is a guy that didn't want you to work unless you were spotless clean. I was there every other week, though, picking up 450, because when he come in the room, I'd work clean. When you step out of the room, I go back into being a magician of death. He never caught it. And then he confused me with other people who was up there, saying, fuck. You know, they would all point to somebody else. I swear to God, he Would always go to the other comic, and the other comic wouldn't want to rap me out. He'd go, it wasn't me. And he'd come up to me. Did you? No. All right, I'm gonna watch you the second show. But he would park his car by the window outside. Anyway, it doesn't matter, right? I was in that club. I was in a club in Portland. Not really. It was like a B room. And I was in a club called the Volcano Lounge. It was three hours from Seattle. It was Thursday, Friday and Saturday. That's where I met the chick with all the birthmarks on her back. When I went to hug her, I almost melted and fucking passed out. So fucking there was this lady, guys. And every time I would call her, I'd say, my friend did this room. And they said they like comics like me. Now, that room's all booked up till 1998. Okay, thank you. This went on for about three months. And finally I said, you know what? I know how to get around this lady. Instead of going over the bridge, I figured out how to go around her. And I did something that nobody would think of. I called her up and started asking her for guest sets. Now, there's no booker that's going to turn down a free set. Especially when the guy, you know, was a little on the funny side. They like me because it's the West Coast. Anybody with an east coast accent they love, they don't know who I am. They think I'm Tony Danza. They think I'm Tony Soprano. Do you understand what I'm trying to. They relate all those people to that. He's from Jersey. He must know Tony Soprano or whatever, and that's fine. It gets him to bond with you. That's not my point. My point is that for 10 or 11 months, I made fucking sure no matter what was going on in my life, I went down there every fucking Wednesday or Tuesday to do one of her rooms. Whether it cost me money in my pocket, it cost me an hour drive, I had to borrow a car. I made sure I was at one of her rooms every week. Because guess what? She wasn't going to beat me. I was going to beat her. I was going to get a lot farther in this than she was. And guess what, guys? As the fucking Lord is my witness, that was my attitude at the time. I'm going to get farther in this than she is. She's always going to be a booker in fucking Seattle. Never ever anything bigger than that. I'm going to get farther than that. And then I got to LA and I fucked her up. But there were three or four instances like that with her. And in every comedy market, Lee, you're going to have that instance and I want you to analyze the instance and go, okay, what does that club mean to me? When I first got to the store, I was very fortunate. I got in in a month. But for 18 months, 2000, I saw people down there that could have got more traction by going to a different club. But in their mind, if they didn't perform at the Comedy Store, it was the end all be all. No, it isn't. Getting on stage is the end all be all. Not you being here every night waiting with your mouth open. I'll do 10 seconds, you know what I'm saying? Like we got a 10 second spot. I'll do it. You know, 10 seconds. And I'm just exaggerating, but I don't ever want you to look like that. And in New York you have so many places to go. Yeah, but Joey, listen, when you're with me, Josh, you get 2, 300 people. When you're in the city, all you need is five to get the party started.

[B]

Oh, I love it.

[A]

You know when the three Jews showed up to see Jesus, it was three of them, right? You need three people. A Jew needs three people and all of a sudden he's doing magic tricks. He's fucking shuffling cards, he's doing three card Monty, he's singing us. Who invented vaudeville? The Jews, they sing, they dance, they Jackson 5, they shuffle and jive.

[B]

But the problem is, dude, I like I. And this is what I've had to do more of recently is you have to hang out now if you want to get in at any club, they.

[A]

Have to know the first assignment, which you always have done. I credit you for this. You have always gotten yours first. Oh yeah, okay. You got to get yours first. So I know that. Oh my God. Such and such is performing at 8:30 at the Cellar. I might swing down there. No, no, no. Such and such ain't putting a dime in your fucking pocket, right?

[B]

No, that, that's something I. Because I remember right when I got here, I think I bought tickets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To one of the clubs. And you're like, don't do that.

[A]

We don't do that. We don't do that. Every once in a while somebody that we want to see that maybe we watch him and we could get. You've seen some of his YouTube tapes. You have a. I know he has. You ever go, just go See a band that you heard of, and you kind of like, you heard two songs on independent radio, and you go down there, and the place is only 280 people, and you get to see them raw when they're fucking starving, when they're all living in a van and one of them's got BD and the other one is getting chased by his mother for stealing the wedding band. You know, that's talent. 20 years from now, when they're fucking gazillionaires, they're like Guns N Roses, you know, they got 28 people playing the songs. They just out there fucking. And I'm not saying nothing bad about Guns N Roses. I love Guns N Roses. So that's where you feel. And I felt like that, dog, at the store. You're fucking ready to go up with the material of your life, and all of a sudden somebody comes in and bumps your ass. You're like, God damn it. Or somebody comes in and does three or four fucking hours. I had my heart broken every week, Once a week, on Demand. Whether it was fucking, you know, whether it was acting. Stand up. A show that got pulled from me because the people found the tape of me that was dirty from Halloween 82 years ago, shit like that, it would cancel spawns.

[B]

Oh, is it a tape you put up?

[A]

Really, dog, you know, I don't. People find shit, man. People find shit, and next thing you know, you're canceled. Not canceled. They'll pull you out because a club owner told them you were dirty. You know, these club owners talk. Some of them are good friends. Maybe one is in Kansas City, but the other one's in Milwaukee. So they cross paths. So they talk about the comedians as they come through. It's the same market. They want to know what's going on, you know?

[B]

So it's crazy because, like, it's stuff like that. It's all jokes, and your fans know that. But for it to come out, it could look like. It could look bad. Like, is that. Like. Is that something you worry about?

[A]

Come out? What?

[B]

I don't know. Like, if they took a joke out of context.

[A]

Listen, where we live today. Where we live today, we live in such a. I don't even know how to say the word without getting. Sounding like an asshole. Flimsy, flamsy. With such. One week you love me, one week you don't. One week they love Kelsey, his girlfriend. Swift. What's her name?

[B]

Taylor Swift.

[A]

Taylor Swift. And then two weeks later, the Swifties are up in arms, which is bullshit. But it's always something. It's a life of balances. You're not always going to be the king. If not, everybody would do it forever, right? So you have to go through that. So you as a person have to always be prepared for that. What are they going to come up with fucking next? We live in a society now that they could, bro. You know how we always goof around with kids in California putting weed together that's stronger than the shit? The next thing you know, your eyes are popping out of your head. In two years, you're going to be smoking 41% shit. There's 35% shit now. That's stock now at stores. That means in a year you're going to be smoking 48% shit. Which there's some of that shit, too. Damn, I buy it every week. The Gunpowder.

[B]

It's called Gunpowder.

[A]

What these kids are going to do with AI. You're not going to be able to even walk down the street.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Because I'm a young kid and. Oh, my God, that's Lee Syed. I recognize him. He did Rogan one time with that other idiot, Diaz. Let's tape him. And they just tape you walking. And also, you stop at a hot dog place and you get a hot dog and you fucking do all the right thing. You tip the guy, but you throw the wrapper in the garbage and you walk away. Two hours later, you're walking down Manhattan and all of a sudden you're eating a fucking lizard. They put up a lizard meat and the guy still, the lizard's alive when they boil it. And they're gonna stab it and put it on a bun. You know, this is a reality, dude.

[B]

The reality is they don't even need to tape you doing it. I have that app. I put up a couple videos like.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you put you hat on in Philadelphia. Stop. Don't do that no more. Don't do that no more.

[B]

But I didn't have footage of that. I just typed in Lisa and eats a cheesesteak. And then the Jew.

[A]

I saw that. I saw that and had to call my therapist at Better Help right off the bat. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I'm sure you got a couple other things to talk about.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of problems. I got a lot of problems. But I ain't got no pilgrim suit dressed as a Jew.

[B]

Yeah, me either.

[A]

Embarrassing.

[B]

You think I have that in my closet?

[A]

Nobody has in their closet. But if the guy puts his dick in your ass, there you are. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I Have no idea where he was at.

[A]

Me neither. Doesn't matter. You know, we're living in a society right now that you could go on stage, say some shit, and people are going to post up and you know what? Listen. And this. I was speaking to one of our old dear friends today from L. A, right outside. I was waiting for a parking spot, but I wasn't. I just want to remember, it was his birthday. Plus, it's our friend's death anniversary. And Charles Bronson died today, too. I think so. Damn. I think. But we were talking and he goes, I'm having a lot more fun doing stand up. I go, so, Simone, so the fuck am I. I go, why? Because I have no parameters anymore. The personal parameters and the personal boundaries I put on myself over the years that somebody's watching that disappeared. There's no producer watching me in Morris Plains, New Jersey, and there's no producer going to be there on a Saturday night in D.C. at some casino. And I know this going in for years, it was always in the back of your mind. Not as much on the road, but in your home club. You're not performing. We're always working on. So I was talking to Aaron Berg today, and he's like, so, are you gonna run your new hour? What new hour are you fucking talking about?

[B]

You don't go by hours. You go by bids.

[A]

There's no hour I'm gonna run because I'm not selling it. I'm not selling it. The fly is back, Lee. It's wintertime. He's back. Oh, my God. Look at him. He's back. I recognize that motherfucker anywhere.

[B]

I see him and they come over to me.

[A]

He's gonna go right into your hood and fucking go back to Manhattan with you. And then you'll see him. He's here, though. He's here, Lee. Let's see if he lands on me or you. That's your. That's the boy right there. He's excited to be back. Look at him. Look at him. He's going right to the. There he goes. Right to Johnny Hummus.

[B]

And he's gone.

[A]

No, look. There you go.

[B]

Same thing.

[A]

This is what I'm saying. He's waiting. He's gonna go right over there in the garbage and sit there till you come. Then he's gonna shoot right into your little hood. Your fly is back. Look at that. All right, you've been eating hummus again on that Indian stuff. Same difference. That Indian is great.

[B]

I'm gonna get you some Indian food.

[A]

So that's the.

[B]

There's a.

[A]

That's the thing. Right now you're in New York, Lee.

[B]

I am.

[A]

You're in New York City. You're trying to advance. So I understand. When you get on stage with us on a Wednesday night at Lulu's House of whatever or the dojo, think about it. You have no weight on your shoulders. Think how different the bucket show would be if I did that at the stand.

[B]

Yeah, I think it'd still be great.

[A]

Hmm. Why? Because MTV might be there, the soap operas might be there. Somebody might be there. You feel. I mean, somebody wants to shoot a special, somebody wants to do this, somebody wants to do that. Think about it. When you do a show with me in Point Pleasant, ain't nobody going to come up to you afterward and go, oh, my God, we just have an idea for a TV show for cbs.

[B]

But, like, why do you think you.

[A]

And your pet fly are going to move into a resort in Montclair, New Jersey?

[B]

It's very nice.

[A]

He's circling you. Where is he circling you?

[B]

He's nowhere around here.

[A]

I know Lee's fly as soon as I see.

[B]

Yeah, because you rip their wings off and keep them wings.

[A]

Are you talking about. I'm talking about your original fly in the office. That took him five years to find you. He is so happy right now. He's been looking at the back of milk carts for fucking weeks looking for little leads. Shit.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So, yeah, right now you're looking at that. And that's the difference that you have. And I've been there, but I didn't know I was doing it at the time. I've been there, but I didn't know I was doing it at the time. Doing what? What was I doing? I don't know. Was trying to do stand up. Listen, when we were in California, doing stand up in a bar in Boston on Tuesday is completely different than me pulling you down to Tripoli show at the store on a Tuesday night. Correct.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You're playing for what? You're playing for keeps. You're not fucking around in Boston. You go up. The worst thing that could happen is the club closes the following week after you bump.

[B]

That was Hartford, but, you know, but.

[A]

In la, what's the worst that could happen?

[B]

Career could be over.

[A]

In theory, it's a different stress level. It's so many things. For the first time in years, I feel it, Lee and I saw it in you in Florida. That's the first time. Because, see, I think about all this shit. You. You think I'm goofing on you that you get married and, you know, I was thinking about what led up to that air. That's it. You weren't in New York. You weren't trying to fight your way into a contest. You weren't at the Luxor at midnight.

[B]

I feel like you guys probably bought a fucking spot.

[A]

Do you see what I'm saying to you? But I'm happy that came out, because now you know that monster exists, right? And now you use it more in New York and in other places, you have to pause and do all that. But in New York, you were Russian, because you're trying to get the answer. You're trying to get them to like you. In Florida, you were just trying to be funny.

[B]

Okay, that's fair.

[A]

You didn't know this. But this is what the other wheels are doing in your head. Remember, you have your. Listen, I'm no fucking Hannibal, like the. But you got one side of your head that likes to party and all this shit, but then the other side of the coconut is your Jew part. Either you got that or you don't. You know what I'm saying? That's the part that makes you wake up in the morning and, you know, pimp out bitches. And.

[B]

I do pimping up. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Netanyahu's a pimp. Before anything. He started out as a pimp, and he did. Yeah, in Tel Aviv. You didn't know that NETanyahu had bitches? 30 years ago. He was an operative. But he also. Hey, like the man says, pimping, it ain't easy, but it sure is fun. But think about it. All the. All the param. Like, when I first moved here, I was having a hard time connecting jokes. The jokes were always there, but it's like me tapping you on the shoulder and going, hey, you know, three priests are sitting there. And that's the same thing. It's the connection that counts. And I had lost that. The pandemic, whatever the fuck made me lose that. I see you building that.

[B]

You just were out of practice for a little bit.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I know practice and I know connection, Okay? I know when I used to do comedy after being sober for five or six nights, and I knew how it feel when I did an eight ball the night before. The jokes were the same, but there was something missing. That connection was missing again.

[B]

I guess that's what you're talking about with me in Florida, because me opening for, like. I think the difference when I open up for your crowds is I'm lucky enough that a lot of them like me already. And, like, I've bombed in front of your crowds. I'm not saying I always do great. I bombed in front of your crowds. But when I do well, I remember, it's a little bit easier. Thank you.

[A]

No, I'm just teasing.

[B]

No, I know I had some good ones. But when it goes well, it's like. It goes. It's even. Especially in front of that. That many people. It's like. When it goes well, it was. It's crazy.

[A]

You know, when I walk into Jiu Jitsu class, there's a big thing up. When I'm walking up the stairs and I'm huffing and puffing and I gotta pee, there's always this big thing that says battles are always won before they're fought. And I really, really think that's standup. I think that's 80% of things when you really break it down. But when it comes to stand up, I really believe that it starts. Some days you could write all day, right? You're in front of the mirror, a little loving and chucking. Your jokes are working, you're giggling and. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anything could fucking trigger you. Or I gotta stop saying the word trigger. That's a fag word. No, but.

[B]

No, but it's not a bad trigger, because it does.

[A]

I don't know. Trigger. It affects you. Something happens from, I think, the stairs. Like, I'm using. I can't use the dojo. I gotta use somewhere. The Comedy Store. When you're in the back, they're announcing you, okay? And there's those two curtains in the main room. In the main room. The secret is to go through the first curtain but always get stuck in the second curtain. So you get a laugh. You got stuck. It's like walking into a spider web. Like from the Munsters. You see what I'm saying, dog? I was learning that shit back from the Munsters. You walk into a spider web, you always, like, hit it and go away and pick up a leg and throw a sidekick. It's a spider, right? That's same thing with the second stage, with the second curtain. But right there, when he says your name and you turn into the fucking audience, you either lose it or you go like a fucking animal. So think. Let's go back to San Diego. La Jolla. You're here. Lee. Swat.

[B]

Bam.

[A]

Oh, okay. I don't mean to redo it.

[B]

That's what it felt like.

[A]

I don't mean to redo it.

[B]

No, it's funny.

[A]

It was true.

[B]

And I wasn't ready for it.

[A]

And we all. Something must have happened to me. Hey, your shoelace is untied. What? And all of a sudden you're up on stage eating a bag of dicks, thinking, this is the tape that's going to get you into the Aspen Comedy Festival. You know, because I remember those days, too, when I had a month to make a tape, a month to make an Aspen. And they wanted $35 for me to send with the tape. And that was the only thing that was holding me back. Fifteen more dollars. I got a half a gram of coke. That was a tough competition for me to enter.

[B]

Did you enter it?

[A]

I finally got a tape at a black club. It was horrible.

[B]

The tape or the club?

[A]

The club was great. But at that time, I had been doing comedy maybe 18 months a year. Very unorthodox, very sloppy. Still lost. And I got into a black club in Denver. Club Mix. His name was Kawali or something like that. Great fucking kid. He used to always tell me, when you're ready, I'll get you a spot at the Comedy Store and all this shit. You almost there, Cuba? So I would go down there on Sundays after I dropped my daughter off, I would force myself to go to a black club on Sundays. And they only liked two white acts, me and the veterinarian. All the other white acts, they would throw shit at. And you would do. Oh, my God, you would do.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Shit?

[B]

Like.

[A]

Was it like bottles or like wounds, fucking Jellos. Whatever they had in their hands, they threw at you.

[B]

Was it an open mic?

[A]

No, it was a Sunday night show. But guess what? In those days, they would bring in headliners who probably made $1,000 a night. Guess who those headliners were when I was in the open mic section of it. Fucking Keith the motherfucking Kirkland, D.L. hughley, the guy who died from the Kings of Comedy, Bernie Mac. I met him at that. In that room. I met him in that room. I met Cedric the Entertainer.

[B]

That sounds like a fucking fun room.

[A]

I didn't know who they were. They were flying in every week from.

[B]

The Midwest just for the show.

[A]

Just for the show on Sunday nights. It was part of a black kind of circuit they did, like Denver and Omaha and whatever.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

So I didn't. I didn't fucking know nothing about this shit. They just told me it was a Sunday night. So I would drop my daughter off, and it was on East Colfax. And I Would go up there and they would put me on first and I would. The first time I went up there and ate a bag of dick, they told me to come back. I see some hope and shit. So I went back like two weeks later. And this time I went up to black music. I went up to tlc like one of those. You're a rug creep. Yeah, one of those jams. And I went out dancing and I did better. And I go, holy shit. I'll go out dancing. I. Dog, if I had six minutes of material, it was a lot. And I would improvise like eight.

[B]

What sort of dancing would you do?

[A]

Like the one. The kind of dance they do on Soul Train, you know, on the way.

[B]

To the mic or something.

[A]

Yeah, the same way you wiggle up on stage any song. But I would extend it and they would go crazy. And then I would. I would attack the crowd and call them people who they look like. So I would make fun of people. Like I would. It wasn't.

[B]

You don't open your show like that.

[A]

Yeah, it was comedy. It wasn't really comedy, but it was the best album.

[B]

It got laughs.

[A]

I bet it did. Okay. He would make me sit there for three hours.

[B]

Who's he?

[A]

And then at the end of the night, he'd go, I got you, homie. And I would wait to get paid. And he'd give me $5 bills and a drink ticket and I have to drive home. When he did that $5. We got Celine for the way home, dog.

[B]

Like a single five dollar bill. He would just give you five dollars.

[A]

Five singles.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

And they weren't even together. They were all single. No, they weren't crumble, but they were all separate.

[B]

Did he ever give me any quarters?

[A]

No, no. But guess what? I went there every fucking Sunday.

[B]

Fuck yeah.

[A]

And I got a spot. Every Sunday was four spots a month that were extra. Four spots a month. Four spots a month. And then one fucking Sunday I went there. I didn't go for like two or three weeks in a row. And that one week I didn't go. There was a shootout. They killed two people. So I went the next day. There was fucking orange tape everywhere. Cause I worked out there. I worked towards out there.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

So I went out by the thing to see what had happened. And there was never a club mix show again. Mixx Club Mix.

[B]

I would love to. That's like one of my, like bucket list things. I've always wanted to play a black club and I haven't done it yet. Do they still Exist?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God. There's a. There's a whole. No, no, no, no. Like underground. Like, even when you get to Austin, Texas, when you get to Austin, you think Comedy Mothership or the Creek in the Cave. When you get right by the airport, there's a club there. And I've been fortunate. Maybe it's Roscoe's Comedy Club.

[B]

I've seen a lot of shows. Are that. Yeah, yeah, I know there's a lot. Maybe it's not.

[A]

Maybe it's not. I don't know. But there's. Every city has a little underground black club, maybe seats 250. Every other Saturday, a guy comes through Old timer. They got to be like an old timer that the black community knows. Maybe not even from the Internet. It's kind of weird.

[B]

That's cool, though. I've always want. I just wanted to see what, like, how I do. There's. That's like.

[A]

I don't know. You would do great. I mean, it would teach you.

[B]

I mean, I'm so excited.

[A]

Listen. It would teach you. I got lazy because I was doing them in la and then I bombed and I never went back. I bombed and that was it. Because when you bomb like that in a black club, oh, yeah, it ain't no bueno. So after that, I just went with them. And then I started bombing in black rumors across the country. And that's fucking ugly. That's ugly. I bombed in Charlotte in a black room. I bombed in a couple fucking cities in black rooms. Detroit, I bombed horribly at not one club, at two of their clubs, back to back. Okay? So I know all about that shit. So at one point, you know, I thought I was gonna slip in the black door, speak a little blacker and dance. Cause I knew a lot of black history shit. Well, James Brown shit. I just knew stupid shit about Harlem, you know, shit like that. So I thought I would get away with it. But it doesn't replace writing jokes, and it doesn't, you know. In fact, when I got to la, the big thing was people picking a genre. All of a sudden, your great grandmother was Panamanian. You never spoke Spanish in your life around me, but all of a sudden you're part of Latino Night. I wasn't mad at you as a player because you got to get yours and get your spot. But now, all of a sudden, you're fucking Panamanian. George. I know you're 20 years. Every week you're eating meatballs and sandwiches. All of a sudden, now your long lost grandmother's Panamanian. So I Used to get. And then it went away. Latino comedy really went away. It stopped. You think so? Oh, when I got to LA in 97, dog, it's what put money in my pocket. I'm never gonna fucking criticize it, but it was putting money in my pocket. Money, coke money that could pay rent. And it was every other weekend. And all those, you know, where you got Simi Valley, all those towns, all those fucking farmer towns.

[B]

Yeah, I did all those shows and.

[A]

I would go up there, they pay me 500 in the theater. Damn. For a weekend, for two shows. That's like. That would be like fucking Christmas, huh? Christmas, Christmas. And then I remember opening for Paul Rodriguez. Three shows. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Oh, shit. That's like a thousand bucks. Sacramento, all up in Northern California, and.

[B]

They still have great comics doing shows there. But, like, I think the difference is, like, the guys who you mentioned doing shows with back then, like, they all like, blew up. Like, you're like, well, it was Gabriel, Felipe and like, it's all like, really successful comics. And like, maybe like, they just had, like, were successful and had really good shows before they were. Got really successful, but, like, they don't really. There's still great shows down there. I've done a bunch of great shows in Orange County.

[A]

I think that the concept of getting your own room, besides some comics that still do it, but they still don't do it. Right? Me getting a room and not paying you is bullshit. Okay? Everybody in that room should be getting something.

[B]

If you're charging for tickets, okay, if.

[A]

You'Re charging for tickets. But a lot of people at that level will get $300 for a budget, will pay a headline of 150. They swallow the 150, they get the feature for free, and everybody else works for free and they each got like a fucking coupon for a soda. No, Everybody should get $10. $10, bro, when you're a young comic, $10 goes a long way, dog.

[B]

Dude, if you're in.

[A]

Because everywhere else you're going, nobody's giving you shit.

[B]

Dude, if you're in LA or New York, it's not even getting paid. It's not having to pay to do comedy open mics. Are. You spend a lot of money if you're in LA or New York doing.

[A]

Open mics, fucking parking.

[B]

And no, no, no paying to do the open. The clubs or the venues charge you like five, six bucks.

[A]

And that's horrible. Yeah, that's fucking horrible. You know, it's just a lot of people have forgotten. I came up in A time where people built their rooms. And, man, look, Denver 94, Denver 94, 95 is where everything. And it wasn't because I was doing a rooms or opening up for a comics. It was because I was working and getting paid in combat zones. I was working in combat zones, dog. I'm a fucking east coast dude. And I was doing comedy shows in Wyoming on Friday and Saturday. I was doing Montana on Friday and Saturday. This is before Tribble. This was with a friend of mine who was a motorcycle mechanic and booked comedy rooms on the weekends. This motherfucker paid my rent for a year ahead of time because he would always fill in the gaps. My rent was 400. This guy, I would just call him up and I'm coming up to pick up rent. It's okay. I got a gig for you on the 23rd. I got Greely on the 8th. I got this.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

And it was, you know, it was unfucking believable.

[B]

And how, like, as much shit as I talk about people who don't do anything for you, like, how much do you love that guy who would give you those 400? If he called you for a show right now, you'd probably do it.

[A]

I'd do it. He called me. He hit me up on Facebook to call him because his son didn't believe a story I told on a podcast years ago. His son, Dog. I called him right away. I can't think of his name right now. I'm a little on the high side, but that guy. And there's another guy that I've told the story about but never told. The outlast. When I started comedy, I met this guy at an open mic in Greeley, which belonged to the guy we're talking about. I met this certain comic and we did a show together. We didn't speak much. You know, how you doing? How you doing? How long you been doing this? Eight months. How long you been doing this? Two days. Like, seriously, when I met him, that was my second show ever. So I met him, and I don't bump into this guy till December 18th of 1991. This was like the 24th of July and 91. I'm bumping into this kind of finals of a contest. Since you were talking about contests, we'll wrap it up with this, okay? And fucking that night when they were putting us into different groups, I got a call over to the table where the fucking people who ran the contest were, and they're like, this guy says you're cheating, that you're a pro. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And he goes, you got $5 that night?

[B]

Oh, my God, for gas?

[A]

And I didn't deny it. I go, it was for gas. It wasn't for my performance. I go, then again, you got $5 too. He goes, yeah, but I didn't take it. I go, stop. You took the fucking $5.

[B]

Like he's trying to keep his performance.

[A]

Yeah, he tried to get disqualified. I was ready to throw hands at this motherfucker. Yeah, I was ready to throw hands at this motherfucker, but one thing led to another, and they let me perform, and I ended up winning. I won the check. I won the hosting job. And you know what? I didn't see him for a couple months. And then somebody said his name was Andy Payton. There you go. And then one night, somebody said he had a room and dog, I'm a hustler. I need to get on stage. I'm not looking to get paid. And I went down into this room, and we started talking. He was like, listen, man, what I'll do is this. He goes, I got what this guy was doing was he had no job. Today. He's a mayor of a town, a small town in Colorado. He probably passed away by now. Good dude. Good white man dead. Anyway. He was a good white man. I'm not gonna lie to anybody, because he told me, this guy used to very smart. And I learned a lot from him because he used to go, he lives in Cliffside. He lives in North Bergen. He wouldn't give a fuck. He'd drive to PA. He would drive all the way to PA and he'd fucking get, like, four bars in a row that were 25 minutes away from each other. And he'd go into each of them, go, how you guys doing? What's your slowest night? Man, we got nothing going on on Sunday. How about I come in here and do an open mic? We'll start with $150 a week. Well, we don't know. Just start it out. And he would do that in four of those bars and get three accounts. Better than nothing, right?

[B]

It's a great way to make money.

[A]

But he would do that in three different places, Lee.

[B]

And he would sell them out.

[A]

No, he never sold anything out. That poor bastard. But if it sat 80 people, he got 40 in there. And what he would do is, it was the law. Diminishing returns, not the law of diminishing returns. So he would start in Edgewater and Fort Lee and do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, three different places. Two in Edgewater, Roomba Latina, a place in Fort Lee. And another place towards going to Englewood Cliffs on Saturday. That starts late at 10, because they dance with the salsa stars from 8 to 10. Starts at 10. That room pays like 200 bucks. And he would do them for like two or three weeks. Then he would. Come on, it's against the grain. He's gonna lose a fucking Wednesday because we didn't get enough people. He's gonna lose Friday because your comics are too dirty. But he's already got those two in place. But he's already got Union City, Hoboken and Jersey City. He started with five rooms there because how much action is there in Hoboken and how much action is there in Jersey City? Well, after three weeks, he's gonna lose two rooms there, but he still has four rooms left and the two up here. And he would build on those fucking things. And then when they would get big enough, he put together a newspaper, ladies and gentlemen, a comedy newspaper. A comedy newspaper about comedy events in the area and art events and fucking. He put posters and he got advertising from George. And he got advertising from Union City Department of fucking Arts. And he fucking would put the newspaper in your bar for free. So when you went to Rudy's or Patsy's or the Chinese place you like, or El Mergante, where we go for Cuban food, whatever the fuck. Las Bles.

[B]

I miss albergante.

[A]

When you go to these places, on the way in, you're fucking bored. You know the menu, you pick up the newspaper and you'd read about local comics. And guess who wrote in there, who had an article in there about Jewish affairs every week? Rich Voss. Guess who had an article about marriage tips? Lee Syed. He's getting ready for a marriage. The whole newspaper was written by comics. That's cool. They wanted to learn how to write.

[B]

That's really fun.

[A]

Fuck yeah, it's fun. And then they sold advertising. He paid the comedians from the advertising money. And all the bars that did comedy at his place got free advertising in the newspaper.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Come on, bro. It's a no brainer. So I always admired that.

[B]

Did you write a column?

[A]

No, no, no. I wasn't even. I couldn't even write jokes. I was having a hard time sitting there with a pen and a piece of paper. But it was very weird that I saw what he did at the time. There was another kid named Jimmy that this guy had a week, a new comedy room every 10 days. And some of them paid a lot of Them paid. And he always paid me. So when I Left here in 93, I was going through what you were going through, and I'm like, I can't do this no more. I'm going to hamburger Harry's at 5:30 at night, I gotta leave Cliffside, walk over the bridge, then take the A train down and fucking walk 10 more fucking blocks and sign up. Then they pick a fucking number. And in those days you had bananas. You had. Not that in Jersey, but everything in Jersey was in the middle because Bill Bellamy. Bill Bellamy and Jay Moore lived in fucking whatever. There was a little comedy newspaper back then, the Village Voice. And the Village Voice had a section for comedy. So when you went in there, it talked to you about the Boston Comedy Club and the Village Underground. I think there was only two clubs. And I still remember George bringing me home a Village Voice and me going over there, July of 93. And it was Felicia Michaels, Nick DePaolo, but most importantly, it was Dave Chappelle, fresh off Robin Hood, Men in tights.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

And I paid like 10 bucks for that show. Of course, it was always over there. It was like three or four nights a week.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

So that's how I knew about comedy in the Village. But I didn't know about all the other open mics, you know, I didn't know how to even get access to them. I was doing what you're doing, Lee. And finally I called home and Jimmy's like, nah, I got four rooms on a Tuesday, three rooms on a Wednesday. The only thing we didn't have was weekend work.

[B]

Yeah, that's okay.

[A]

That's why I delivered Chinese food and sold cocaine. You see what I'm saying? There's always an angle, Lee. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

And it's cool because even like, I follow side splitters on Instagram and they had Doug Stanhope do it like a noon show on Saturday. So, like, because you were talking about, it's tough for a dirty comic, and I'm not a dirty comic at all. But like, there is, like, people use it as an excuse and it's not. Cuz, like, he can sell, you can sell. Like you're a dirty comic. There's dirty comics who do major clubs and do theaters. And it's not like, define dirty.

[A]

Define what is dirty? Define. Am I going up there talking about pussy or dick every 45 minutes? No, you mention it. I mean, what is define dirty. Define edgy. Define shock. You know, what are all these things? I think I do a Little bit of each of those fucking things.

[B]

I would agree with you, right?

[A]

I think I steal from all those categories. A little bit of shock, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and you mix it up a little bit. You chuck and jive. You got a left hook, you got a right uppercut, you got a knee to the balls, and you got a couple weapons in you.

[B]

Well, that's from open, my comedian. That's the problem I have with some dirty open micrs is you're talking about, like, all that, like, the boxing. All they go with is haymakers, and they're telling that it's not good.

[A]

Well, here's the problem. Don't ever worry about dirty open micrs, because we were just discussing this again. I started clean. I really, really, really, really believed in my heart that I could work clean. And then it went from clean to a little edgy as far as attitude was concerned and that. And then Dice came into the thing, and the attitude grew. And eventually, 20 years later, I put it into a fucking act, right? But I still remember sitting at comedy clubs and it would be comic behind comic, talking about the head of an aborted fetus, how they were gonna step on it, and all this shit.

[B]

That's terrible.

[A]

When it's dirty and it's got nowhere to go, those guys don't last long in the business. If they do, they attract the same six idiots and they find their own hangout, and they're there every week tapping themselves on the back to see who could be the dirtiest comic.

[B]

Yeah, that's not what you want, okay?

[A]

You could be as dirty as you want, but your heart has to come out somewhere there. There has to be a connection there so the audience knows that you're just fucking around. In a sense, you're a little committed to it. What you're talking about is probably real, and you probably don't do it, but because you smile when you say it and your heart comes out, and your microphone, how you're holding it or the way your hand is up because people are looking at your hand. Interesting. They're looking at your hands. How were you raised? What does this mean?

[B]

Stop.

[A]

So whatever the fuck is going on here, so please understand, this is a complete fucking art here. This is not just going when you're young. And if you want me to sit here and tell you I didn't do it, I'm fucking lying to you. My nose is gonna grow bigger than Pinocchio's. We all come out there. If I had Dice, I had Dice. So I tried. And George will tell you I tried a few. What if Godzilla comes back, you know? What if the speakers fall out of the window? Yeah. You know. You want me to sit here and tell you everything was brilliant? No, it took years to find the style. And, you know, people are calling this certain type of comedy, like, I don't know what they're calling it, but it's not. It's a style of comedy that. Because you have a smile on, me telling you to go fuck yourself and me telling you to go fuck yourself is two different things.

[B]

That's right, Drew.

[A]

Okay? Me calling you a fucking spic motherfucker and me going, you know what? You're just a spic motherfucker, dog. It's two different fucking things, okay? So some people don't even see that beauty because their world is so fucking dark. They don't see it, and there's nothing you could do about that. I'm sure you come watch me sometimes, and I watch you, and I know sometimes you're like, how is he getting away with that?

[B]

Me watching you? Yes, I was.

[A]

How is he getting away with that? Number one? It's 34 fucking years.

[B]

Well, it's also.

[A]

I mean, maybe 40 years, because I used to rob drug dealers, and you gotta be funny in prison to not get beat up.

[B]

I was gonna say, dude, I think more about you getting away with things in real life than I do with onstage on stage. I kind of get it because there's, like, very few things I'm. You know me, I'm nervous, as on stage, I'm not. I'll say almost anything to anybody. But I had a point right before. I don't know. God damn it.

[A]

See what happens when you don't. You're not in training anymore. I am in training, but we stopped light today. We start light. I mean, like, I want to give you 1500. I didn't want to give you 500.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Oh, he's gone.

[A]

What were you talking about? I don't know.

[B]

Being nervous on stage.

[A]

Who the knows? You hungry?

[B]

Always.

[A]

All right, let's go eat something. Where you at this week, beautiful.

[B]

This week. The first thing is actually today when you wake up. My stand up on the spot is out. So I'm really excited about that. It's on YouTube. Just stand up on the spot. Great episode. Neil Brunon, Drew down me, Jeff Asthma in finance. A lot of great people, very excited about it. And I have shows around New York next. Big shows are with you on Saturday in Maryland. Very excited for the casino. That's mgm Grand Harbor Theater. The theater.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's gonna be a. Awesome. I'm so excited to go play some blackjack and do some. I got to make sure I'm good after floor, after you talk me up after Florida. And then the next big one is the 13th through the 15th. I'm opening for Josh Wolf at Laugh Boston.

[A]

Look at you and shit. That's my boy. I'm just excited about Wednesday night. I'm excited about the night before Thanksgiving in Philadelphia. We're back at fucking parks. Going back to Cali. Going back to Cat. What? I don't think so.

[B]

Are we doing. Are we doing something Wednesday?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

You said Wednesday night.

[A]

Wednesday the 26th, we're at November.

[B]

Oh, that one before part one.

[A]

And then December 6th, we're at Virginia at the.

[B]

December 5th, we're at Caesars, Virginia.

[A]

Danville, Virginia.

[B]

Caesars in Danville, Virginia. We're going to be there. Very excited.

[A]

Excited about Virginia. I haven't been to Virginia and year.

[B]

I want to eat some peanuts.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

I want to eat peanuts. They have. They. I think I. I drove to Virginia.

[A]

Listen, listen. Stop, stop.

[B]

You stop. It's great. They put in coke. I want to try it.

[A]

This is the Pantheon at caesars, Virginia. Friday, December 5th. Friday, December 5th. Boop. Duped. You know what I'm saying? Who the. You think you're dealing with Joey Bananas or what? So we got three big ones coming up. Lee very excited. I don't want to hear no story. Then I don't know what's going to happen. We were discussing your bachelor party the other night. We got a location, we got a hotel. That's all that matters. And your wife cannot come.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

We're just going to kidnap you off the street like they did that agent from the FBI in fucking Mexico. Kiki Camarena. Remember how they took him off the street in our town?

[B]

How did they take him?

[A]

They fucking put a bag over his head and they put him in a Volkswagen. And that was you. Who's.

[B]

Who's going to be lifting me? Is this going to be George and Nick?

[A]

No, no, no, no. We're not even going to be around. We're going to hire three guys. It's going to be off the street.

[B]

Boom Mike from the fucking dojo.

[A]

Two guys work for ICE part time.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

And the other guy's just a Mexican guy. He's a specialist. Just going to take you off the street, bring you to a Location, dress you up, starve you for six hours because the chap. The chapter seemed like you were just gonna shoot Ozempic in you every hour on the hour.

[B]

Oh, I can use it.

[A]

Different thigh. And then we got the chubby girl, the black girl, getting ready, eating peanut butter cups, the whole thing. And we got her prime. She's gonna start about 1:15. And at 9 is when the bachelor party starts. But before the festivities start, we're gonna bring you out blindfolded.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Roll you on your hands and knees. Your hands are going to be tied behind your back.

[B]

I'm not dying nothing behind my back.

[A]

You're going to open up your mouth and put like a ball in there. Like one of those sex balls. And that black chick's gonna fart right in your mouth with that sex ball. You're gonna have an option.

[B]

Dude, if you don't want to come to the wedding, just. You don't have to come. This sounds like. This sounds. Why do you. Why are you talking about. This sounds like a bachelor party that I want.

[A]

Yeah, this is the kind of. What are you gonna do? Sing around and tell Jew stories? What do you.

[B]

No. Why can't you get a lap dance? Why do I have to have someone party?

[A]

Who gets a lap dance at a bachelor party? What are you, 10? That's what I did when I went to my eighth grade prom. You know what I'm saying? We got to go deep. This is. You're only going to do it one time. You know, the black chick's going to fart in your mouth. We're going to put a sex bar in my mouth. And then she's going to. She's going to have them.

[B]

I'm going to send my flies to everywhere. You are my flies. My flies on stage and beat up.

[A]

A little bit and do things to your. With wax. And you ever get.

[B]

I was doing to my ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is not a party.

[A]

This. This sounds like a terrible party. We got like six girls coming in.

[B]

There's no more in there.

[A]

We're paying top dollar. We're getting medically checked.

[B]

You can't.

[A]

They're all giving blood. Everything.

[B]

Why are they giving blood?

[A]

Because we want to make sure you can eat ass. Everything.

[B]

I want to eat ass.

[A]

This is your best party. Oh, yeah. All of them are going to have hair on their. So you take a little souvenir home. You really don't know how everybody's going to be fucking the worst party. Listen, blood tests, smear test.

[B]

I want a blood test. On my.

[A]

Not you, all the six chicks. So. And you're going to get the reports the next day. I don't want any reports, because you're going to be. We're going to fuck you up that night. We got smelling salts.

[B]

Oh, geez.

[A]

We got fucking MGMD, whatever that shit.

[B]

What the fuck is MGMD?

[A]

The shit that you dance talk for 12 hours.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

It's gonna be a good bachelor party.

[B]

Oh, this sounds good.

[A]

And we're gonna hold you in captivity for a day so you could, you know, shoot IVs in you and all that shit, get you back. So you're back by the podcast by Monday. We will be off. December 7th. You're visiting your family. But once you get back, that's when we'll plan the bachelor party and we'll get this party started. That's it. I'm excited for Lee. Lee wants a wedding. He wants to get married. It's gonna be a. We're gonna give you 10 days. You know that. What's that song? On the 11th day of. Chris, watch those fucking 12 days. That shit starts on Georgie's birthday. Georgie's birthday is the 12th of what, December? And that's when we start our countdown to Lee's wedding on the 27th. I need to be sober.

[B]

Yeah, I need to be sober.

[A]

So by that time, get the tuxedo, get all that shit. Because we're just going to captivate you one night. We're just not going to not captivate you. Kidnap you, but it's a different word. I got to watch Law and Order.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

We're going to sequester you, or it's.

[B]

Amazing that you're just, like, allowed to say this and it's going to happen and, like.

[A]

No, we're not going to say anything.

[B]

You're not going to say it.

[A]

That's experience within the first of all. This ain't gonna be no just fat chick from Newark farting in your mouth.

[B]

No one's farting in my mouth.

[A]

This chick wants a small feat. I gotta start a patreon for you. And a gofundme.

[B]

And a Gofundme.

[A]

This chick wants 10 grand. This chick, I would give her 20. You wait till you see her body. She wants to fart in your face, but she's one of these skinny chicks that likes to eat.

[B]

That's not gonna be good.

[A]

And she's gonna blow a camera. First she's gonna.

[B]

You've been promising me something else.

[A]

No, no, first she's gonna.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

She's gonna open up your eyes because you're gonna have a mask on. So I'm gonna slit your eyes over here, open up your eyeballs, and she's gonna show you how she farts and blows out a candle from three feet away.

[B]

That's really nice.

[A]

Just a little slight machine gunn. And then. And then she's gonna blow the big one right into your fucking mouth.

[B]

No one's doing that.

[A]

And listen to me, you're gonna love it. You're gonna fall off the bench. Follow up, we'll give you with the, you know, asthma spray, ice cream.

[B]

Yeah, I have those.

[A]

We're gonna give you a couple of those when you get up. And then we're gonna feed you.

[B]

Dude, if anyone farts in my mouth, there's gonna be a.

[A]

And then the six chicks are coming in crime. We're flying them in. We're gonna do fucking interstate kidnapping like Diddy. There's gonna be a Diddy type bachelor party. We're getting that pink cocaine. We're doing it all, dog.

[B]

How much baby oil?

[A]

No baby oil, Everything's.

[B]

What do you mean you just had a Diddy party?

[A]

Listen, what are you, a masseuse? I'm not a masseuse either. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

You can't have a Diddy party without a baby.

[A]

It's not a Diddy party. Diddy's in jail. Don't even mention Diddy. This is going to surprise Diddy. There's no victims, see? With us, nobody habla Espanol. That's the other treat I got for you. Nobody knows English. And everybody's going to be sequestered on the way in. Nobody's even gonna know where they're at.

[B]

Sequestered?

[A]

The six chicks, the black chick. Only like three or four of you guys are gonna know where it's at. You're not even gonna know. Nobody can save you. We're gonna throw your phone away. We're gonna step on your SIM card. It's all over anyway. Why discuss the fucking situation? I love you motherfuckers. Have a great day. It's November 4th, Jack. Get ready for a fun filled month. Stay. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here. Ever since I've been getting out of the hospital, I started on my myoma treatment again. Listen, if you've been struggling with your weight, your energy or your hormone levels, it's time to take better care of yourself and your gut like I did. Bioma makes it easy. It's a gut supplement that has prebiotics probiotics and postbiotics. All three of them, baby. You get your microbiome acting like it should just take two capsules before breakfast and you're good to go the rest of the day. You know what I'm saying? Listen, give it a couple days. You're going to feel great about yourself. You're going to feel a little lighter and you're going to feel a little bit healthier. Bioma helps calm your brain fog, anxiety and those mood swings. Your gut will be better and your life will be a lot better. It's a win all around. Listen to what we're going to do here on the church, okay? Take 15% off your Biomar order to get started, just click the link to our show notes and press in code Joey. J, o, e y brum. Pssh. That's code Joey for 15% off your order when you click on the link in our show notes. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here, listen. Halloween is over and this is the time of the year for the real tricky Tricky from savages. You want to walk in the room, dick first. Correct. With your ball sticking out of your pants, people looking at you like, what's this guy up to? You want that? You got to make an impression with Bluechew. You're like, joey, what's Bluechew? Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Make your crotch stronger, harder and longer lasting. Like someone gave you downstairs a pep talk. And a gym membership and many other things. You understand me? Listen, I'm an old man. When I need that voodoo stick to get up, I pop a little blue chew. That motherfucker was vibrating the other night. When was the last time your dick went from up to time? I even called my wife. Look at this fucking savage. You better jump on it before it starts vibrating. That's Bluechew. Give her the book club. Something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Blue Chew, okay? Discover your [e-mail] and since it's Tuesday, it's the first Tuesday in November. I got a special deal for all our family members. As always, we're going to give you your first month of Bluechew for free. That's like giving you a fucking pass to sling dick with a membership card with a picture of your balls on it. You understand me? Just use promo code Joey at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. With that. Listen, that little dick of yours will put that motherfucker to work, Jack. I don't care if it's 12 inches, a half inch, it doesn't matter. With Bluechew, you become a fucking animal. You understand me? So head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. Like, when your dick gets hard, don't hit it with a hammer. That's blue. Chew, cocksuckers. You know what I'm saying?