The billy goat tongue

Summary

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The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: The Billy Goat Tongue

Date: November 25, 2025
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Episode Overview

In this candid and hilarious episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt catch up live from New York City during Thanksgiving week. They reflect on their evolving lives, the realities of comedy careers, and growing older—intertwining stories about the changing entertainment landscape, personal development, and the familiarity of friendship. Joey opens up about stepping back from the grind, finding joy in simple pleasures, and the real motivations behind stand-up comedy, while Lee shares milestones from his own journey as a comic. The episode is packed with memorable anecdotes, career wisdom, and the crude, honest humor the duo is known for.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Reflecting on the End of the Year & Taking Time Off

• Joey shares he’s celebrating 16 years of marriage and finally enjoying the holiday season—long gone are the days of shopping or hectic schedules ([00:03]–[01:20]).
• He announces a hiatus after early December, planning to take time for himself, work out, smoke dope, and focus on mental health ([01:15]–[01:55]).

Quote:

“I'm an old man. I've already done everything during the holidays. I ain't shopping, I ain't doing nothing, not even Amazon. I'm working out, I'm fucking smoking dope and I'm just waking up and going to bed. That's it. Zero fucks.”
— Joey Diaz, [01:17]

The Changing Pace of Life & Social Expectations

• Joey observes how neighborhoods, especially his old New Jersey stomping grounds, used to be social hives during the day, now rendered quiet:

  “Now you can't find the motherfucker unless you drive down Berger Line Avenue and you might see somebody from fucking... when you played CYO ball or some shit.” ([02:11]–[03:39])

• There's an acceptance that being home, reading random things online (“benefits of peptides”), and avoiding the crowd are his new norm.

Stand-Up as a Hobby, Not a Grind

• Joey reframes stand-up as a hobby instead of a career: he's embracing local gigs, not touring aggressively, posting show flyers with “no links, nothing” ([08:29]–[09:14]).
• There’s a sense of finally reclaiming autonomy after decades of hustling for others’ approval.

Quote:

"Listen, this is what's going on this month. Take it or leave, man."
— Joey Diaz, [08:35]

Navigating Success, Burnout, and the Comedy Industry

• Joey describes how after 27 years of nearly non-stop touring, he was simply burnt out ([17:48]–[19:44]).
• He takes a hard stance on show business pressures, fake personas, and the nonsense culture around comics needing to be “on” for everything—not just the stage ([20:36]–[21:47]).
• The recent economic climate, the post-pandemic slowdown, and increased competition mean fewer gigs, less travel, and more comics chasing the same nickel ([32:20]–[34:34]).

Quote:

"This is what needs to be done now... at one time you go, you know what? I'm not doing this no more."
— Joey Diaz, [14:00]

Comedy Craft: Growth, Boundaries, and Honesty

• Lee shares his nerves about asking for gigs and navigating New York’s club scene; he recently spoke up and got spots, realizing “speaking up is one of the hardest things.”
• Joey gives advice on career boundaries—advocating for “elevating yourself” by refusing to work undesirable spots, and letting the right opportunities find you ([27:17]–[29:06]).

Quote:

“In life, you elevate yourself... at one point, it's like anything else in life. How much longer can I take this abuse for? Right? Okay, so now instead of taking abuse, I'm gonna give a little abuse, and I'm gonna learn how to work a little smarter.”
— Joey Diaz, [26:53]

• Joey advises Lee not to fear letting jokes develop over years and to embrace life’s changes, especially as Lee approaches marriage ([74:25]–[74:50]).

Hobbies, Health, and Life Outside Comedy

• Joey discusses seeking new hobbies, from learning about live probiotics (“Coconut Cult”) to considering adult education classes, but only in-person—“I'm too stupid to do it online, all right? I need to ask questions.” ([10:56]–[12:33], [11:09])
• Family time is a huge focus. Joey emphasizes these days, half his time goes into being present for his daughter.

Real Talk: Drugs, Sex, and Living Unfiltered

• Joey reminisces about his wild years on the road—cocaine, sexual misadventures, embracing the grimy side of the stand-up life ([61:12]–[66:23]).
• The “billy goat tongue” story emerges when Lee recounts a hookup that led to a tongue infection, and Joey one-ups him with “I've stung my mouth in places where a billy goat will go, ‘not today’” ([60:24]–[60:46]).

Quote:

“I have stung my mouth in places where a billy goat will go, not today, okay?... I'll flip them around and even if the asshole has that little wang to it, I'll still eat that pussy. Cause I'm a gentleman, you know what I'm saying?"
— Joey Diaz, [60:24]

On the State of Entertainment and Audience Habits

• The hosts riff on how even giants like Tosh and Cristela Alonso are returning to the road because everyone’s “chasing the same nickel.” Comedy, music, and even wrestling events are feeling the squeeze ([32:20]–[45:21]).
• They critique streaming services and the economics of Netflix, Hulu, Paramount, Amazon, and Disney+—boiling down to “get your money’s worth” and the absurdities of the entertainment market ([41:12]–[43:45]).

Anecdotes: Live Comedy’s Unpredictability

• The episode is sprinkled with Joey and Lee’s wild experiences on stage: handling hecklers, a homeless man wandering into a weed shop show ([74:50]–[76:39]), and even a guy getting a handjob from a sex worker during an open mic ([78:47]–[80:35]).
• Joey explains how a true comic learns to handle any disruption, using it as material and keeping the moment uniquely live.

Quote:

“When somebody has a fucking heart attack during your show, you gotta fuckin —”
— Joey Diaz, [78:20]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “I'm an old man... Zero fucks. I have nothing to do till January 31st in Staten Island.” — Joey Diaz, [01:17]
• “Stand up. Okay? It's a hobby now. It's not a career no more... It's just, listen, this is what's going on this month. Take it or leave, man.” — Joey Diaz, [08:35]
• “All your life, you're living to do something for somebody. And just one fucking day, that you could just go, I'm controlling my fucking realm.” — Joey Diaz, [14:00]
• “No, it's not. It's slavery. We don't work on Sunday. And the more people who do it... We're gangsters. We're fucking Catholics. We don't work Sundays.” — Joey Diaz, [23:29]
• “I have stung my mouth in places where a billy goat will go, not today.” — Joey Diaz, [60:24]
• "I'm not a sports center type of guy. I've tried watching some of those sports shows. They're God awful." — Joey Diaz, [05:50]
• “You elevate yourself. You've made a fucking decision as a man. You've made a decision as a fucking comedian.” — Joey Diaz, [27:58]
• “I'm the happiest I've ever been with standup. I made a statement to you. I looked at your face and I said, I'm a hobbyist. Stand up now. Cause it is. Because I'm not worried about Netflix. I'm not worried about getting passed at a club. I'm not worried about getting my show picked up. I'm not worried about anything. I worry about two things... saying whatever the fuck is on our mind or whatever the fuck's going on in society, and then working out once a week writing stupid shit.” — Joey Diaz, [68:53]
• “Don't ever judge. Like, I could go at the 10 year mark. I had nothing on you... But beside that, you're a cunt hair away from getting it.” — Joey Diaz, [83:33]
• “It all gets better in time. Don't put an expiration date on your fucking dream.” — Joey Diaz, [84:44]

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Episode Timeline & Notable Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------| | [00:03] – [01:55] | Holidays, marriage anniversary, embracing time off | | [03:39] – [08:35] | The end of the “daytime neighborhood”; adapting to a quieter life | | [08:35] – [09:14] | Stand-up as a hobby, social media minimalist approach to promoting shows | | [10:25] – [13:32] | Industry slowdown post-strike, AI looming, hobbies outside comedy | | [14:00] – [19:44] | Burnout, reclaiming time, honesty about leaving the grind | | [26:53] – [29:06] | “Elevate yourself”—career boundaries for comics and advice for Lee | | [32:20] – [36:48] | Economics of the comedy business, resurgence of big-name comics on tour | | [60:24] – [62:43] | “Billy goat tongue” story: Joey and Lee swap gross-out hookup tales | | [74:25] – [84:44] | Comedy craft lessons: growing into material, using disruptive moments | | [91:23] – [92:43] | Thanksgiving plans, upcoming shows, gratitude for listeners |

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Tone and Style

The podcast maintains its signature gritty, direct, and raunchy style. Joey Diaz is unfiltered, introspective with a comedic touch, dropping truth bombs and wisdom for aspiring comics. Lee Syatt complements with earnestness and quick banter, often serving as the audience surrogate navigating the comedy world.

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Final Remarks

The episode oscillates between nostalgia and forward-thinking practicality, offering listeners an authentic view into the realities of stand-up life, the importance of personal boundaries, and the joy of finding one’s own pace. It's an essential listen for comedy fans, working comics, or anyone grappling with redefining success and happiness as life changes. Joey Diaz’s closing message? Be honest, let life’s weirdness be your material, and don’t put an expiration date on your dream.

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Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Kick this motherfucker mule. What's happened you savages? Uncle Joey and his trusted little fucking Jewish Cato. Here for another episode of the Church of what's Happening NOW? New edition, November 25. 16 years of marriage today.

[Lee Syatt]

Congratulations.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right. Who cares? You know what I'm saying? Who cares? And you're here. 16 years of fucking marriage today. But what are you going to do? We're here for another fun filled episode. We're sorry about last week. Things happened, you know, I'm saying one of the bulbs went out and just one bulb went out and we couldn't do the podcast. But we're here today. That's it. The last week of November. You've got maybe three and a half more Mondays to Christmas. And here we are, Lee Syed fucking here we are wrapping up the last fucking part of the year. My favorite part of the fucking year.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh it's really. You used to hate it.

[Joey Diaz]

I love it. Cause I'm taking off after next fucking Friday the 5th after Virginia. I'm done for the year. Oh yeah, I already called Shroomy yesterday. He's delivering mushrooms tomorrow night at 6:30 for the month. He's delivering an ounce of the long neck ones and the little baby stubs that look like a little Joey Diaz dick. They're like 2 inches with a big helmet on top.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that the name of the strain you should.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. And it's a fucking. It's the holiday season, Jack. I'm an old man. I've already done everything during the holidays. I ain't shopping, I ain't doing nothing, not even Amazon. I'm working out, I'm fucking smoking dope and I'm just waking up and going to bed. That's it. Zero fucks. I have nothing to do till January 31st in Staten Island. So what do you think?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, so you're taking basically two months off?

[Joey Diaz]

Month and a half. I mean, you know me, I'll be getting on stage once a week.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah, but, but that's semi retired.

[Joey Diaz]

No, nothing. I don't have to see a plane till March.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah, February. Fuck yeah. Oh, I thought you were going somewhere else. No you're not. You're staying home the whole time.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know. It all depends.

[Lee Syatt]

That's. Dude, you were just talking before the podcast about how excited you are to be home now. Like you just hate leaving the house. You don't even want to go eat anymore. You told me.

[Joey Diaz]

I gave up. I gave up. Listen, nothing is happening Nowhere. I would love to tell you that, you know, I would love to hear. It took me five years to come to this realization. Five years. Call my nephew on Fridays and Saturdays. He's not at Studio 54. He's going to a friend's house to eat a steak or to watch a fucking New England game. Talk to George. He's my age. Ask him what he's fucking doing. He ain't doing nothing. I call my friends on the weekends. What are they doing? Nothing. And I have friends that'll tell me. I'm just sitting here watching tv. It's two in the afternoon, on the weekends, on the weekends. And I'm like, I refuse to get in front of a TV at 2 in the fucking afternoon. So I had to figure out. I said, you know what? There's nothing going on. There's no reason to get in the car and drive around. You're not gonna find anybody. You're not gonna find anybody. Whether I come up here or stay by my house, those days are done. Nobody hangs in the daytime. Everybody works. I don't know. I don't know what happened. New Jersey used to be a state where nobody worked. Fucking nobody worked. Every bar was packed from 8 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon. Everybody was on unemployment, collecting, you know. Now you can't find the motherfucker unless you drive down Berger Line Avenue and you might see somebody from fucking. You know, when you played CYO ball or some shit.

[Lee Syatt]

I never thought you'd be upset about that, about people working. Like people are doing too much. They're working.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just, you know what happened? Nobody listen. I'm not talking about in LA or another place. I'm talking about this neighborhood, right? Used to be a daytime neighborhood. You never wanted a job. You refused a fucking job. Cause you might miss something in the daytime and you might miss something at night.

[Lee Syatt]

What are you going to miss?

[Joey Diaz]

Who knows? Somebody's giving blowjobs. I'm kind of. I don't fucking know. But I'm just telling you.

[Lee Syatt]

I did like working nights. Like when we first met and I was working nights. It. It's a fun because you have. You do have the whole day free. But like you're. You're an introvert too. Like, you don't mind being by yourself. So you won't go do something by yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

What can I go do by myself?

[Lee Syatt]

Go see a movie?

[Joey Diaz]

I went to the mall and I peed on the second floor. You know there ain't no fucking movies.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, there really aren't there ain't no.

[Joey Diaz]

Movies that you could go, oh, this afternoon, get excited, have a Chinese lunch. Those days that shit's done. What am I gonna see Wicked by myself at two in the afternoon and sing along?

[Lee Syatt]

That would be a problem. Yeah. If a guy like you walks into.

[Joey Diaz]

Wicked, there's movies that come out are rough. It's a rough watch the Running man, they're just rough. So I remember when I. For years, I would get mad at my friends that had parents that had like a house that had a basement, and they'd be like. And I'd go, bro, where the fuck are you going? If I had what you had, I wouldn't leave the house. And this is way before Uber or Uber Eats or fucking dirty people delivering food to your house with dirty fingernails and shit and you eating and.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that's Uber Eats.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I ordered from Carvel. It got here, it was melted. Well, what'd you expect, you know, there's so many stupid fucking people out there. But at the same time, even with all that, I don't even dig into all that. The only thing I dig into when I'm home alone, the only excitement is like reading a book. I fucking go online, I'll read about the dumbest shit in the fucking world just to read.

[Lee Syatt]

Like what? Like, like a blog or something.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't read the news. Benefits of most Peptides, benefits of doing this exercise compared to this at 60. I read stupid shit. Fuck. But at least I read you're not in front of a television getting, you know, you know, whatever fucking Chef Wami is cooking something, I don't give a fuck, you know. So half that shit don't pertain to me. I'm not a sports center type of guy. I've tried watching some of those sports shows. They're God awful. They really, they fucking God awful.

[Lee Syatt]

I loved those growing up. I loved. And I have nothing against women's sports and I totally get it, but when half of SportsCenter is WNBA, I'll just go online now and watch the highlights I want to watch.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you know what? The WNBA don't bother me. It's just another, you know, every. It's like when you kill me with fucking tennis. When you got. Like the other day I went to a restaurant and right away I was going to strangle myself. They had soccer right on in front of me. Like 18 million fucking sports in November and you got soccer in front of me. Come on, man, find the basketball game. Somebody's fucking playing something.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't Watch soccer?

[Joey Diaz]

No. Like, there's just a lot of shit that. My point is that. Fucking for five years, I used to get upset and really upset and get down on myself. And then guess what happened? I started fucking hanging out with people I shouldn't have been hanging out with, okay? And I said, what is better for me? Hanging out at home with my cat, smoking whatever amounts of dope I want. Cause I go in and out of that garage, okay? I could smoke. I could eat edibles. I got Szechuan right down the corner. If I get in a pinch, you know, I got all these things around me. Listen, I wish I had four fucking people to do it with. I wish I had two people to do it with. But it's not that world no more, you know? It's not that world no more. I thought about getting an apartment up here and just seeing George at night. George is fun at night. Like, from 10 to 1, he's fun. But I'm trying. I'm passing out of the quarter to 11. So what am I at the apartment for? To sleep up here? To sleep in the office. So I thought about all this shit, right? And what I need to do is have hobbies. And my two hobbies are stand up. Okay? It's a hobby now. It's not a career no more. It's a hobby. There's no tours. There's no pictures of me. Oh, tour of 2000. No, no. It's just. Listen, this is what's going on this month. Take it or leave, man.

[Lee Syatt]

I love it. You posted, like, a story with a picture of the poster. No link, no.

[Joey Diaz]

No nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

It's just the. Here, I'm gonna be here.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the best I got. I don't know how to do anything else. I don't know how to do posters and fucking put voices, people kicking.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

I take the. Listen, it's the simplest road out.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that was the. Like. One of the first things I ever helped you with is I went to your house way before Mercy was born. I went into your office and you had, like, a little, like. Not even a laptop. I think it was, like, basically like one of those early iPads. And you had me post. Or maybe it was a laptop. You had me post a picture for you on Twitter. And just. Just uploading a picture to Twitter, you called me an unadulterated genius.

[Joey Diaz]

And. And you.

[Lee Syatt]

At least you could post a picture now. You're pretty good at that. That's f. That's fucking funny.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but you Know, it's like, I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Like, this is. I like that. And just all the gym activities I do as a hobby, because I monitor it. I'm like a nerd. I monitor it. I monitor my strain, you know, why did this not happen today? But that's what I have to involve myself with now. Because that's what it is. I mean, listen, man, am I heartbroken. I'm heartbroken about other things, but there's nothing I could do about them. Nothing I could do about them. There's nothing I could do to get 20 more auditions a month. Well, Joey, you could get a new headshot and work on your reel. I've been there for 25 years. They know I'm there, right? You know, I wish I hadn't auditioned more. I wish things like that. But that's not. It's just not happening, Joey. It's not. Now, I could say, joey, you're a loser. It's not happening for me. But if you know anything about me, I make calls, right? And it's not happening for a lot of people my age right now. It's not happening for people your age in Hollywood right now.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say. You think it's an age thing or what do you think?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, it's just a business thing. Business is down. They're not shooting shit. Ever since this fucking strike, AI is looming. Yeah, I mean, you know, so am I upset about it? Like I said, I wish I had one or two more auditions. It'd be nice to get a movie from time to time. But this is what it is.

[Lee Syatt]

Have you thought about. Cause you. I don't know if you remember, but years ago, you were all, like, this close to going back to school for, like, a history class. You think about going to do anything like that?

[Joey Diaz]

I do, but I like to go to a class. Cause I'm too stupid to do it online, all right? I need to ask questions. I'm one of those guys. I gotta ask questions, bro.

[Lee Syatt]

I can see that.

[Joey Diaz]

I feel a lot better if I ask you a question and you look in my eyes. If I do it online, I'm gonna get stumped and then I'll never go back to it, right? I'm one of those guys. Once I get stumped. Now I'm embarrassed. Now, the course. I'd love to take a continuing education class like brick masonry and.

[Lee Syatt]

Brick masonry. You're 63.

[Joey Diaz]

You want to.

[Lee Syatt]

Gee, I thought you were gonna do history back then.

[Joey Diaz]

Would you like for me to Learn.

[Lee Syatt]

Now something where you get to sit down.

[Joey Diaz]

Why would I want to learn something like that? I don't know you. I'm not going to go back to the. Right now, anything I'm learning is for me to enjoy myself with.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Like even that idiot fucking Frank Colombo. When he retired, he grew roses and he won rose tournaments and shit with his roses, right? There's got to be some type of hobby. I don't know how to plant tomatoes. I don't know how to fucking cook.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you want to. What about smoking meat? You just leave it. You just put. You just get a smoker, dude. So many guys do it. You just get a smoker and you just leave it in there.

[Joey Diaz]

You just smoke a brisket and who's gonna eat it?

[Lee Syatt]

You, hopefully. I love brisket. You love brisket.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but I don't want to eat that shit every day. I want to do something that's kind of on the positive side. Not that I'm stuck eating my own food, burying myself and stuck in 63. Okay, okay. If it's gonna be so. It's gonna be something fuckin have you tried, have you motherfuckers tried Coconut Cult yet?

[Lee Syatt]

Coconut Cult.

[Joey Diaz]

It's called Coconut Cult. It's a fucking. You know, I love our probiotics here. We have the best probiotics, but this is a live probiotic and it's. It comes in different flavors. But the coconut yogurt, it's. It's called a live probiotic. Oh.

[Lee Syatt]

What does it do?

[Joey Diaz]

Takes care of your gut, health free pro and whatever. But it's a yogurt that tastes like a dream. And you only take four teaspoons a day in the morning with breakfast and then you. Right away, you don't right away, you'll later. But it's beautiful, it's proportionate. Comes out like mountains in Colorado. You know what I'm saying? It smells like flowers. No, I'm just saying that it's so fucking good. I wish I could learn to make something like that, right? Like I wanna learn how to do something like that that's not gonna blow. Like somebody said, why don't you learn how to make meth? Then I'll blow up the fucking house. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

That's what you need the apartment up here for.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's just. You need something. You know, I chose all my things. I'm not gonna be one of these guys that I don't play golf. I'm not gonna take up golf to be cool at this age, I got a 12 year old daughter, all right? And that's 50% of my time. As much as I'm not with her, 50% I am, but I'm always conniving for her.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. And you want to be home so that in case.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you know, I like to be home at a certain time every day. I like to do my own stuff. And you know, man, and I don't mean to insult anybody with this, either my friends or people who watch this show. You know, guys, there's some people that they've been moving from the age of 16, like Lee. There's some people that have been moving from the age of 12, like me or George or Nick. At one time you go, you know what? I'm not doing this no more. I'm not doing this no more. And I'm. I'll tell you why. Because all your life you're living to do something for somebody. All your life, oh, your aunt needs this, right? Your cousin needs this. You need this. And just one fucking day that you could just go, I'm controlling my fucking realm.

[Lee Syatt]

Especially coming from a standup, because, come on, I feel pretty busy now. And I was. I'm nowhere near as busy as you. But, like, I don't. I don't think there's ever one day where I'm not doing. I always, I'm always out, always.

[Joey Diaz]

When you do stand up, whether you focus. I was talking to Aaron Berg. Okay, so let's say you were to do five sets a night.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

After those five sets, you tape them all. And guess what? People like, oh, well, he's done for the night. No, I'm not done for the night because now my daughter and my wife were asleep and this is when I could really work. So now I go home and listen to those four tapes and adjust on the joke so I'm prepared for the next day. Because the next day I'm gonna be busy with my daughter. I gotta drive to the city to do a podcast. That's the hour nobody fucking sees. See, just like me. I was delusional. I thought that when you watched an HBO special, you just called down there, hey, what's going on down there tonight? Nothing. Some cameras are gonna come by. Well, you want to come by? Yeah, I'll be right down. And you just talk that shit. That was my thing with stand up. I thought you just. That's the first time you said it. I didn't know you had to work on it and write and get two notebooks and fucking take a Writing course and get glasses. And I didn't know about all that shit, right?

[Lee Syatt]

And so now, like, I didn't know.

[Joey Diaz]

About all that shit. And that's what the human person doesn't know. The consumer. The same way. I don't know what it takes to be an engineer major. The same thing. I don't know what it takes to make a hot dog like a hot dog from scratch. We don't know, right? We assume. So people assume. All these motherfuckers, they just show up and get on stage and talk shit and smoke dope, okay?

[Lee Syatt]

And does it kind of feel good to just be like, I'm not doing shit now. I'm staying home. Stay at home, and I'm in pajamas. I'm doing whatever the fuck I want.

[Joey Diaz]

You watch the movie the Rat Pack? No, it was a movie years ago. Ray Liotta in 2000, maybe 99. And they set a line in there that's always stuck with me. The guy goes, yeah, that was a great show tonight. Joey Bishop tells Dean Martin, that was a great show tonight, man. That's fantastic. And he goes. He goes, one of these days, these people are gonna wake up and try to figure out what all the fuss was about, you know? And that's us. In life, it's just big fucking fuss. And one day when you don't have it, you're like, you either crack like I did for a while, or you go, I kind of like this. This is what I got. This is what I got to work with. And this is what needs to be done. Now.

[Lee Syatt]

I get that. What wouldn't you say, like, the last five years was kind of by choice? Because as soon as Covid was over, you could have been out there. If you had wanted to be, you could have been out there 30 weeks a year.

[Joey Diaz]

I wasn't ready, right?

[Lee Syatt]

No. And I'm not saying you should have been, but I'm like, it's not like. It's not like people stop coming to your shows. You just like, I don't want to go out.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

Which is. I get. But like, when. When I hear that quote, it makes me think, like, oh, again. People stop showing up again.

[Joey Diaz]

Again. That's a decision by a grown man that has not stopped since 93. And now it was 2020. That's a 27 year run. That's not what most people do. But if you go to college and you get out when you're 22 and you start working, 27 years puts you at like, 50, correct?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, around that. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

22, 23, 27. You need a fucking breather. And I'm not talking about. This was like an early. An easy 27 years. This was. You know, this was 17 years that were rough. And then 10 years became easier but more rough because now it involves stress and ticket sales and this. And people calling you because you don't have a video made for. And you're like, what the fuck, Right? What the fuck? So, dog, I was just burnt the fuck out. Like, I just had it. This was just. And to top it off, that world wasn't my world. I'm not the type of guy. Oh, my God, we love you. Oh, no, I know. Oh, my God. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. I'm not into those shit. So that was bearing on me for a long time, right? That weighed on me, that people wanted.

[Lee Syatt]

You to do that stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

No, because I don't. I didn't want to be them. That wasn't who I was, that I was going to. Oh, my God, it's so great. We're so honored. No, I don't give a fuck. Just give me the check. Let's cut through the bullshit. Let's cut. You know why I'm here, and I know why you're here. Okay, Again, Moneyball, the black dude and Brad Pitt. The guy's the oldest player on the team.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, great. That was a great scene.

[Joey Diaz]

And he goes, let's cut this shit.

[Lee Syatt]

David Justice.

[Joey Diaz]

David Justice. We know why we're here. You're trying to stay in the fucking part of the dance, and I'm trying to get the most out of you till you fucking die. That's it. You used. You getting 7 million a year. I ain't paying you that. The Yankees are paying you that. Cause they don't want to play. They want to play against you. You know, just. And that's what comedy is. But we think it's something bigger. And then we start floating around with furs, hanging out with youngblood. You're a fucking comic, motherfucker. You're nothing else but a comic. But for some people, they run with it and they just lose their fucking mind. For me, the other way. I just want to be a comic. It's like when you go to a theater, people are like, let's show you this historic theater. I don't need to see nothing. I need to see the historic check. That's the envelope.

[Lee Syatt]

I'll be in the green room.

[Joey Diaz]

Bring me the check. I don't want to see the wedge. The guy shot Abe Lincoln. I don't want to see any of that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

That was my. I think I forget where it was. It doesn't matter. But it was like we were leaving and the guy's like, do you want to go up under the roof to see the fireworks? And you were like, no. You want to climb a ladder to.

[Joey Diaz]

Go see the fireworks? It's over. It's over. You know? And you buy into that shit for a while. When you're a young comic, you're like, oh, my God. And then you go home and tell like, your girlfriend and your wife, we performed at the same place where Lincoln got shot. Who cares? They gave you $200. What the fuck do you give a fuck for?

[Lee Syatt]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

So that's those little things. Like, I avoided all that shit. I avoided being a fake person. I avoided hanging out and being a certain person. I just was a North Bergen guy and that's it. I just want. This is a job. This is a fucking job. Nothing else. Yeah, Become something else. And then you become something else. I was trying not to become that person. I was just trying to keep it fucking normal. That's it. I don't have to have a guy following me all the time with a video. You ever notice that, like, these people walk in and there's always somebody with a video. Where are those people around me? Like, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Have you seen them do takes?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syatt]

That's my favorite. Like, when they come, like, I'll see them out there and they'll do takes. Like, they'll come in like, let me do that again. And they come in. They'll just come into the green room and, like, do another engine. Like, give people high fives. It is.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to do any of that stuff. Just, let's start the show. It's like the 20 minute video before the show starts. Why? Just knock it off. Knock it the fuck off with this. So now we got two clubs. We gotta tell no video. We don't show. It's quick. This is quick. No 20 minute video. They gotta put up with 20 different fucking acts that they've never seen before.

[Lee Syatt]

I would love to see you just to be there while you tell the managers that. Cause I'm an.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't tell the manager nothing. I call my agent, tell them.

[Lee Syatt]

But if I were you, I would be the one to tell them, no conflict. I'm going in there making 100 bucks. And they love those videos. And they have, like, scenes from, like, Anchorman and them. And it's like, it doesn't make any sense. But I can't say shit to anybody. And it's like. And I'm coming in my pants thinking about the day where I can tell clubs, you know what? No, we're not doing this. We're not doing that. This is what my price is. Oh, my God. I can't wait to be able to tell people stuff like that. I can't wait. Oh, I just want to be able to. My dream is just to be able to tell people what I actually want to say. My whole life, you have to. From the teachers to your parents to your bosses, you can't tell people anything. And I. You always.

[Joey Diaz]

You.

[Lee Syatt]

It seems like you do tell, and I'm so jealous of that. I would love to be able to tell people what the fuck I actually want to say.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, man, it took me a long time, but then you get. You know. And then I started going off on these guys as feature act. Like, it got to the point where I was just going off on managers on feature act and club owners. Cause nah, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. It's like I started that thing. There's a whole video series about me calling comics and saying, that's the last Sunday you're working. What? It's Joe Diaz. Don't ever catch me working a fucking Sunday again. What are you talking about, man? It's money. No, it's not. It's slavery. We don't work on Sunday. And the more people who do it. And then people started paying attention, and now the clubs lost control of Sundays, and they hated me because I made everybody as a featurette. Don't work Sundays. We don't work Sundays. We're gangsters. We're fucking Catholics. We don't work Sundays. Even if you're Jewish, you're Catholics. We don't work Sunday. That's just the way it is. But in comedy, you have so many weak links that then they'll keep doing it. But if I take the high links out and tell them like that, like, you're not working Sundays no more, bro. And explain it to them you're not. And they'll go, you're right. What the fuck are you doing? That's the worst day to sit in your hotel room is a Sunday. There is nothing like a Sunday in a hotel room. You watch football by yourself. You know, you go to a bar.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, even before podcasts. Because I get it. If you want to do a podcast Monday, I get it. But if you. If I had nothing Else, it sounds like a great day, especially during football season. What to just. You wake up whenever you want. Saturday, like after a late night Saturday, that's your chill. Now you watch it.

[Joey Diaz]

Get a little food, because I really did that Thursday. I really did that Friday and Saturday morning. I only got two mornings. Oh, that third morning I already had. The eggs were good the one day. And then you went to the other place the one day you already ate at the Top Steakhouse. It's time to leave. That's it.

[Lee Syatt]

I hate when weekends end. I never want them to leave.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I love Sunday night, Saturday night, when they're like, let's take a picture. I already got the check. You should have asked me before the picture.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not taking a picture. Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

But I took that time off, right? And it was a big wrestle. Like, that was a big wrestle with myself. But I knew two things. If I would have kept going in the condition I was in, I would have ended up in really bad shape. And I said, fuck it. This is what. Again, I had a very good conversation with somebody today about comedy. And I know about this firsthand, okay? And this goes for life. This just isn't stand up comedy. Remember what I'm telling you. People at home and here and you, in life, you elevate yourself. Yeah, they can give you a raise and give you 54,000 and give you another raise in three years and give you 80,000, whatever. But in life, you elevate yourself. But comics are waiting right now. Comedians especially. Now we'll go back to comics. They're waiting right now for something to happen. Every comic I talk to is waiting for something. There's a few select that are making things happen, but even some of them are waiting for something to happen. Netflix didn't come back to them with an offer. This didn't pan out. Fox didn't pick up any shows. So everybody's waiting. And at one point, it's like anything else in life. How much longer can I take this abuse for? Right? Okay, so now instead of taking abuse, I'm gonna give a little abuse, and I'm gonna learn how to work a little smarter. And I'll use an example that you guys understand. You're gonna get a thousand calls. People gonna keep calling you for MC work.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

It's just me. I didn't give a fuck because I needed every dollar I could get. But when you're on your climb, once you decide on feature spots, you're a feature. How many people call you the feature every month?

[Lee Syatt]

Almost none. It's hard.

[Joey Diaz]

Very fucking hard. So you gotta say to yourself, you know what? I'm not gonna emcee no more. But, Lee. And right when you make that decision, the phone's gonna ring. Hey, we want you to emcee this week. It pays 408 shows. And you're like, not. You hang up that phone, your heart breaks. You're like, I need that fortune or that spot.

[Lee Syatt]

Even if it's not about the money.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a spot about the money. It's that spot. But you made a decision not to take any more feature work. You've made a fucking decision as a man. You've made a decision as a fucking comedian. You're not fucking doing that anymore. And the phone's gonna ring every weekend for 10 fucking weeks. Hey, you wanna be an emcee? Hey, you wanna. And you gotta. No, no, no. And you gotta find something else. Deliver Chinese, whatever the fuck it is. And then one day, when you're about to give up, that guy's gonna call you and go, hey, man, my club in New Orleans, the feature fell out. If you're available, I'd love to have you. Lee, right? And that club has four other sister clubs. Yep. Do you follow me? So now you picked up six feature works. You were pissed at me because for a year you starved a little bit. For nine months, you starved, right? And that's what I'm talking about. That you elevate yourself. You know, everybody's worried about a special. Everybody thinks a special is going to fucking solve their fucking misery. And it's not. It's going to make it worse now.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because now you get put into a pool with other people, okay? And now you're doing what? What's the definition of insanity?

[Lee Syatt]

Doing the same thing over and over.

[Joey Diaz]

Again with the same results you're seeing. You know, it's like the idiot that sits at home every Christmas and goes, look at those saps at the airport. You see them with their pillows and their teddy bears. There's a storm. And then one day you're like, it's not gonna happen to me. And you decide to take those planes. And there you are for a week, stuck in fucking Montana or some shit.

[Lee Syatt]

That would be. Dude, I. It happened sort of this week. I got passed at my first club in Manhattan. And if I'm. Because I was way. I was trying to be nice and polite for a while, and I kept hanging out and they kept putting me up, but I never. Like, I want to get booked in advance. Like, I Don't want to have to just hang out or, like, get the text that day. So I was talking to somebody. He's like, just ask. So I did. I just went up to the guy. I was like, hey, man, I'd love. I'm here all the time. I'd love to do some spots. Get, get. If you. If I can get on the system. He's like, sure. He did it right there. And I have two spots tonight. And it was like. It was. Just speaking up is one of the hard.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not good at it. I'm not good at asking for what I want. And I'm sure it's not always going to work. There's two other clubs in Manhattan that I call. I call these, the Bookers, every Tuesday, and they never pick up the phone.

[Joey Diaz]

Fine. You're going to call them until they change that number. Die or cancel their business. Right? Just to let them know you're better than they are now. At this point, it's just a joke. Now, right. At this point, it's just, who's gonna give up first, right? You know, who's gonna give up for. I have this company. I called, like, maybe a year ago to ask them about something. Look, they call me once a week and they send me emails. Hi, it's that time. I have not answered the phone since I called them. They have the worst telemarketing department because they keep calling that number. About a week ago, I go, next time they call, I'm gonna fucking pick up the phone and go, are you that fucking stupid? You are wasting it. The number's dead. The guy hasn't picked up in 11 fucking months. What does that tell you? They stop calling.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that sucks. You must be looking forward to it.

[Joey Diaz]

But at the same time, you know, league comedy's rough right now, and right now, everything is rough. Let's. Let's fucking face it. This isn't. This is going to be a great Thanksgiving for some people. I was watching people on CNN the other night going, they can't afford everything for Thanksgiving. Like, they can't have stuffing or this or that. You know, prices are out of fucking control. The gallon of milk has fucking gone up. You know, four bucks. I mean, you know, everything is rough. I mean, everybody. You know, businesses, restaurants, comedy shows, the numbers aren't what they used to on a lot of these shows. It's a tough fucking market, and we're here waiting for something to happen. Not gonna happen no more. They're not doing that no more. In Comedy. It's just everybody. It's the same people get the Netflix specials now. Hulu's opened up. They're giving it to a couple big names, you know. Right.

[Lee Syatt]

And some people are coming. Like, I actually just bought tickets. Tosh is going back on the road.

[Joey Diaz]

See that?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. I got. I'm gonna go see him.

[Joey Diaz]

Where?

[Lee Syatt]

Long Island. I'm gonna go see him whenever he's coming out.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not just Tosh that's going on the road next year. A lot of people on the road next year. A lot of people have announced tours and people that haven't toured in a few years because that money's running low. And now you got. Instead of 300 people chasing the same nickel, you got 400 people chasing the same nickel. Right. And Tosh is back, baby. And he hasn't been around for years.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't remember the. I saw him.

[Joey Diaz]

Dangerous right there, coming around. I know. Christel Alonso's coming around.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And she hasn't been around in years. You know? I mean, Daniel's probably just bored.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you think so?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he's got $80 million somewhere. Comedy Central.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, he must.

[Joey Diaz]

So he's just bored at home. Somebody had a twist his fucking arm. And I saw his schedule. It's fucking real.

[Lee Syatt]

But it's. It's because I and Sandler did the same thing. It seems like when these big guys go out, they're like, I just want to go out for four weeks and then just be done. Like, they have shows almost Tuesday, Wednesday, Monday, every night they have shows, and then they're done with the tour. There's no more. Like, just weekends. No, like, if they want to see me, they'll see me on a Tuesday. And you will be really like somebody. You'll go see them on a Tuesday.

[Joey Diaz]

No, because the shows end early anyway. Right. It's a 730 show. What are you going to be up till 10? Right. Then they got to be off. It's union. Especially if they're in a theater or an arena or whatever the fuck they're at. So that. That's the problem that you have. So a show is safe. Now, when I went to a show, we were kids and we went to see the Garden, they would go till one in the morning, you know, they fucked the fines. And then they started finding them more and more. And then, you know. But yeah, now you go to a show during the week, you're safe as fuck. Yeah, it's a night out. It's a dinner, and you go Right to the fucking place. 7:30 show. Two, three openers. He comes on, does an hour. That's it. There's no meet and greet. There's nothing. It's a fucking arena. It's a 5,000-seat theater.

[Lee Syatt]

He's probably on a plane back home within 45 minutes.

[Joey Diaz]

45 minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

That's amazing. It's. It's fun. It's fun getting to, like, see some of these people come back. It's when I think that was a cool thing that you did. And I know I was talking to you about it earlier, but, like, the fact that you took a break, I think I. It makes people more excited. Like, I. Whenever I. I'm. See, I'm meeting a lot of people, you know who. I'm meeting a lot of people now who are, like, in their early, early 20s and were listening to us in, like, middle school and high school. And then like, this is the. They weren't allowed to see you the last time you were in their city because they were 16. And now. Now they're finally 18, 21, whatever you have to be. And it's. It's like. It's like, oh, my God, he's coming out again. Like, I. I think that's what people like when they see you coming to their city. That's what they're looking for. Like, oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, those. Those weeks I'm taking off, I already went and got notebooks. I wrote, like, parameters. I wrote, like, subjects. I want to tread with like a month of things. I want to try, like, different. And I really want to write. Like, I really, really want to write and try. And the problem is I just don't have access to the city. We discussed this. As much as I like to.

[Lee Syatt]

You have access.

[Joey Diaz]

I got access. But fuck. And it's December, Jack. That ferry is cold in the motherfucker. And Christmas traffic and shit now. So, you know, my thing ends. That's just what helps me. My thing ends in parks after Wednesday. I'm not in parks till next Thanksgiving. Okay, so that frees up Philadelphia for me. Now Pennsylvania. So I could go on the other side of Pennsylvania and start doing, like, some gigs some people have, right thing. Take you guys, bill you guys as the headline, and I'll do 30 minutes. And the way that nobody knows, I'd rather do that, right? Because I'm gonna have boundaries. Because I have Atlantic City in August, okay? So after January, I can't do a show around here.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I gotta get the fuck out of here now. They're holding you. They're really watching Boundaries now because the tickets, right? So they're like, bro, don't, don't.

[Lee Syatt]

That's so I don't think a lot. Maybe the listeners understand that is when you do a show somewhere, especially a big show, you're legally not allowed to do a show within a certain mileage.

[Joey Diaz]

90 miles, 120 miles all around. So you gotta be really careful of that. Because it's Atlantic City. In Atlantic City, they're not gonna come down for one night. They're gonna come down for two nights, get dinner one night, maybe come see me one night. Maybe go see Frankie Valli the other night, draw a little dice, have a chance. But that's really important. Like right now. If I was a young comic, I'd love to hear what I just said. That right now. Well, right now you gotta think outside the box and comedy and you gotta figure out what. Because for you to drop 7, 4 grand on a special and for it just to become home decorated, you have no plan on how to get it out there, right? We could just shoot a video here. If I'm gonna get 10,000 views on my special, why not just shoot a video here, do a standup special for three people and fucking, you know, I mean, the truth, Right now they're looking for something a little different, right? You know, all these specials are shot in arenas, in theaters. Maybe they want. People want to see something smaller. Yeah, maybe people want to see something different. Setup.

[Lee Syatt]

I saw a clip. I think Jeff Foxworthy is doing another one, but he's splitting it up. Half the special is going to be him working it out in clubs and then he's going to do it again with it completed.

[Joey Diaz]

That's been done already.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm talking about something that the people could relate to more, okay? We just discussed that. Nobody knows the process of stand up. You know, when you become a super fan like George, because he's been around me, I've been around him with his business, you start to understand, but nobody understands the process of working out. Chris Rock tried that a couple years ago. The black special and the black and white and the colored dog. Keep it fucking simple. Keep it fucking simple. It's a brick wall with a microphone. A sign behind you and smoke.

[Lee Syatt]

I would love to do smoke on stage, okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Smoke from the signature in the room or the reefer in the room. Not you sitting there with some Chinese guy blowing smoke for you to get effects like Ozzy Osbourne.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I'm talking about smoke from the fucking nitty gritty smokers that are in the room, they're dropping that fucking ambiance. That's what a fucking special is. Everything else taken from that. The lights and the copter flying around the room and people giggling. And, you know, there was a special they shot so bad that the guy was dying on stage and they show him people laughing. Nobody was laughing. When people laugh, they go like this. They go backwards. People just sat there the whole fucking night and watched this bum special.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God, that's sad.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's really weird right now, but it's very weird in every field. Like, if you're a realtor right now, you're feeling it. If you're selling cars right now, what's interest still? Six, nine. You ain't buy no fucking car at 9%. So everybody's like, fucking, what do we do next? You know, that's the next move. People gonna think about maybe watching stand up. I don't know. Like, I always liked streaming comedy. I always thought it would work. Yeah, like a network. Six nights a week, you put a comedy there for $30 or 30 minutes and they pay 10 bucks. And people could sit at home and they know at 9 o' clock on Monday, on Tuesday through Thursday, three nights a week, you could watch comedians through 30 fucking minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

So there are. I've seen some people do it. What do you think about doing it in a com and a movie theater instead? Because I think the, the. And I love specials. The problem I have with it is.

[Joey Diaz]

What'S in between a movie theater and a theater?

[Lee Syatt]

No, no, movie theater and home. Because a movie theater, they could charge 10 bucks, but at least you're around other people watching a special at home. Even if you have your wife there, you both might giggle a little bit. But I, I really think you have to be around a lot of people. If you, if they were, if they were doing it in a movie theater, I would go for 10 bucks, get a little popcorn, and then you don't have to go to a comedy club. You don't have to worry about someone.

[Joey Diaz]

Picking on 10 bucks and some popcorn. Yeah, that's $62. That's true. So that's the problem. Movie theaters, the special one. From being free to, I'm paying 10 and I gotta pay 8 bucks for their fucking popcorn.

[Lee Syatt]

Listen, I always have a burrito in my pocket. I fucking, I sneak food in there all, all the time.

[Joey Diaz]

But we're trying to right now. It's the cheapest angle. Over the holidays, people pay for Netflix they're gonna watch all those specials on Netflix. That's just the way Leanne Ryan, whatever. All those new specials, right, they're all gonna watch them because that. They paid 15 buck. Well, 23amonth now for Netflix. I know everything is beautiful. So you got to get your money's worth out of these fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Networks now. It's not like I got Paramount, but I got my money's worth out of Paramount. Jack. You know, Netflix, I don't really get my money's worth, but I have in the past.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I don't get my money's worth out of any of them.

[Joey Diaz]

I.

[Lee Syatt]

People don't cancel them. That's where the. That's what you should start a streaming service or just some sort of subscription where people subscribe because that's where, like, that's where the money is. Because how often do you watch? Now, you said. You just said you don't watch Netflix, but you still pay him 19 bucks a month for 20 years.

[Joey Diaz]

Netflix. More for the limey shows. I watch Netflix. Like the Dallas Cowboy thing every once in a while. Watch Netflix. You know, HBO Plus I have just for the Sopranos and any HBO movies I like, you know? Mm. Hulu. I never really watch Paramount. I watch and Apple. I watch Apple. TVs got some good shows and great movies, too. And I'll tell you what the best one is on all those motherfuckers. Disney.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

The one my daughter's got.

[Lee Syatt]

Disney.

[Joey Diaz]

Disney plus. They ain't fucking around on that.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you like? I know it's not Star Wars.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me tell you something. No, but you go on that. Like, if I go on Amazon Prime.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

It's the worst movies in the fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You just sit there through these bummy movies that you've never heard of before, and when you do watch them, you're like, all right, I know I didn't see this movie. This is weird because it got three movie stars in. It got three fucking big name movie stars, and I've never heard dick about this fucking movie. You know, that's Amazon, and they wish.

[Lee Syatt]

You kept it that way.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. It's the weirdest fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Amazon, I don't trust any of their movies. Like, I don't. Even if I'm on there, don't rent it. Like, I'm done. That's it. That's it. I'm fucking done, man.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that like a red flag to you if, like, someone called you for an audition, like, it's going to be on Amazon Prime?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, I'm not showing up. I'm not going down there. These idiots that put their comedy specials on Amazon years ago, and it's paper, and they're like, I got a special on Amazon, dog. You're paying them every month because if you don't. If you don't sell that special, like, if people ain't buying it at whatever, five bucks ahead or something like that, it's. We have to do something different. We have to. We all do. I mean, there's a lot of occupations that are stalling right now, you know, and ours is not one that's stalling, but entertainment as a whole is. You know, I think that after the pandemic, too many people went out. We developed this phobia where we needed to spend money, and not just our money, but every dollar we had in our fucking pocket. And people paid vigs and big money to go to concerts and shows and vacations and, you know, during COVID cruise ships don't do it. And fuck, Covid wasn't even done. And people getting on cruise ships, like fucking Liberace was gonna make an appearance or something like that. So I don't know what happened, but I know that we all knew during the pandemic, like, even after I moved here, that place in Jersey, they were doing concerts every fucking night. Social distancing. The one by my house, PR center, PNC bank, you know, those motherfuckers were doing shows and they were doing. You know, and every heavy metal band was out. All those old guys were out. Those old guys ain't doing too good no more.

[Lee Syatt]

What's going on?

[Joey Diaz]

That's it.

[Lee Syatt]

There's like.

[Joey Diaz]

Even Motley Crue wasn't selling tickets and they had to go to a Las Vegas residency. Now they want to fucking announce a world tour with Extreme and somebody else for the. Oh, this is going to be the Shadow of Whatever tour, some album they put out in 2009. It's done. It's done.

[Lee Syatt]

I saw this online, so this could be fake, but I think I saw like, the WWE at Madison Square Garden sold like 4, 000 tickets. Like, out of what? I don't even know how much that is. It's like 20, 000 seats or something in Madison Square Garden.

[Joey Diaz]

19.

[Lee Syatt]

They sold 4, 000 seats.

[Joey Diaz]

That is. They blacked the top out, but, you.

[Lee Syatt]

Know, yeah, it looks good. It looks good on tv.

[Joey Diaz]

It looks really good on tv, but it doesn't. It's. I think it's too much entertainment for the dollar right now, especially across that fucking tunnel. Across that tunnel, there's. Every 22ft, there's something to be entertained. A fucking pome reader, a fucking sports bar, a fucking. You know, there's every. There's all types of entertainment across the river.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I love it over there.

[Joey Diaz]

But even and every. You know, now again, when George and I were growing up, Tuesday nights, you catch the fucking Stones in Schenectady for 20 bucks and didn't even know it was the fucking Stones. You catch the Ramones in the city for the small 25, $20 at CBGB's. So you had that action during the week. Now it's six under the ticket.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And people. I think people just would rather stay home. I think a lot of people like you.

[Joey Diaz]

I will never fathom this, when I say this. And George, you asked Lubes. Me and Lubes went to see Prince, Sheila E. And Nucleus at the Ritz for $15 on a Tuesday night right before that movie came out.

[Lee Syatt]

But what do you like? That $15 back then is what, 60 now?

[Joey Diaz]

You know what, that $15 for Prince right before Purple Rain, I mean, Purple Rain came out in July. The movie this came. We went to see him in June and we didn't know he was touring. There was no fucking. They said it on the radio. We were lifting weights in his mother's garage and we looked at each other. I just got to go up to 88th Street. You could take a shower. Pick me up in 35 minutes. And we shot over to the fucking city. That $15, Sheila E. Nucleus and Prince and the New revolution, whatever the fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

But how much did it cost you to get into the city now?

[Joey Diaz]

4 bucks.

[Lee Syatt]

It costs like 25 bucks to go in the sea.

[Joey Diaz]

No shit. So that whole thing, parking was $4, maybe a fucking quarter. Yeah. You parked on the street and the five dollar nickel bag. Right. You weren't snorting coke for whatever that fucking. For Sheila e. It was 7:30 at night, 8 o', clock, and they played till whenever. And it was New York, so who knew who was gonna walk in? Like, when I went to see Prince, he announced like three black guys that walked in. I didn't know who the fuck they were, but people were jumping up and down. They must have been famous. That's the thing about New York, you don't know who's gonna be in the audience. That's the excitement. That's it. That's a surprise. If I pay 600, I'm expecting something, right? If I'm paying 15, I got nothing to lose. It's just 15 fucking dollars. What do I give a fuck?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, everything is better when you have no expectations.

[Joey Diaz]

So what do I gotta do to fill those 600? I gotta take pictures of my friends. Everybody jump up and down. Let's show em how much fun we're having. Us eight idiots just spent $5,000 on these tickets. Let's jump up and down we and we're drinking fucking water to boot. Wee like fucking idiots. Enough is enough. We'll be right back in five minutes. Cocksuckers. It's break time. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's Thanksgiving week and the action doesn't stop at the dinner table. You're going to feast on some winnings this holiday with Pick Six. DraftKings newest fantasy game. Just pick more or less on two or more player stats. It's that simple. Pick Six brings you the upside that other fantasy sites can't even touch. The better you perform, the bigger your payout. Pick six is available in most states. Okay, it just landed in Texas, California and Georgia. I love the pick 6. I don't know what I'm doing, but every time I play I go for a ride. So do yourself a favor. Download the Draft Kings Pick six app right now immediately and pressing Code Joey J O E Y. That's code Joey J O E Y. New customers can just play $5 and get 50 and pick six credits. Did you hear that? New customers pay $5 and get paid 50 and pick six credits. Make the call. Ride the upside in partnership with DraftKings. Pick six. Remember DraftKings. The crown is yours, people. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-G GAMBLER Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer bonus awarded as non withdrawable. Pick six bonus picks that expire in 14 days limited time offer. See [e-mail] promos what's up, Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's getting cold out and you need simple winter clothing. Fun stuff that looks sharp and feels good. Do yourself a favor, stock up at Quince. Quince clothes are warm, durable and built to last. Quince gives you a wardrobe that you'll get through the cold months looking stylish like Superfly. Quince has winter staples like 100% Mongolia. Listen. 100% Mongolian cashmere for just 50 bucks. And wool coats that look sharp and hold up. Listen, I love that jacket. That little Mongolian cashmere. I ordered a 3X. I'm smoking in it. You know what I'm saying? I look like Marvin Gaye before he shot his uncle. Anyway, Quince makes the perfect gift for the person in your life who already has everything. I love him and it's easy. So give and get the timeless holiday staples that lasts a season with quince. Go to quince.com right now. Church C H U R C H for free shipping on Your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada. Lee 365 day returns. Return that jacket. That's Quince.com shirts. C H U R C H. I'm going to give you free shipping and 365 day returns. Q u I n c e.comchurch quince.comchurch you won't be sorry. This is great stuff. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, as you get older you'll start to notice that diet and exercise, they're just not cutting anymore. Most men start losing testosterone by the age of 30. Again by the age of 30. And they lose about 1% every year after that. That's why there's Mars Men. Your body's making testosterone, but a lot of it is locked up and unused. Mars Men is designed to help you unlock that testosterone. How they gonna do that, Uncle Joey? Listen, you take a few capsules daily in the morning with food. No synthetics, no needles, just real ingredients like vitamin D, K1 and K2. If you know anything about testosterone, you need all these supplements to make your testosterone kick. And that's what Mars Men's brings to you. After using Mars men, over 91% of users report high energy levels. Did you hear that? 91% of users report higher energy levels for a limited time. Right now, for the Church family, you're going to get 60% off for life and two free gifts when you use code Joey@ MengotoMars.com again MengotoMars.com that's men goes to Mars.com and use Joey at checkout. Support the show and tell him Uncle Joey sent you. Thank you very much and happy holidays. We're back for another fun filled session here. The juice is kicking. Finally the edibles are kicking in. I haven't eaten an edible all week. I ran out of them the whole week, bro. I have zero edibles at the house. I had some dried up mushrooms that I threw away. I found some wax. I threw that away. I cleaned out my weed drawer. Finally. It's fucking disgusting.

[Lee Syatt]

What happened to that whole big Harry Potter case Rhythm gave you? That's already gone three quarters. That was the biggest case of weed.

[Joey Diaz]

I've ever seen in my bong was great only to give me a fucking thing that it clogs every time. Like, even after you grind the weed, it still clogs. It's. I was like, the bong is worthless. I got all the cartridges. I got some heavy duty cartridges, like vapor pens, right? Like the fucking thick ones. That fucking right. But again, those. I get high one time on those.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, I can't tell. It's my favorite thing. And I, I don't tell people that they're full of yet. But someone came up to me and gave me an edible. He's like, I gave this to Joey and I told him to be careful. And he took it and he was high for four days. Enjoy. And I was like, I don't think I, I, I don't even. Oh, people dog.

[Joey Diaz]

I tried to tell you.

[Lee Syatt]

And is it the way that people talk about you? Like, like, oh, I got Joey Hyde. I'm like, I don't think you did.

[Joey Diaz]

I tried to tell you. Maybe they gave the edible to George. George tried to give it to me. I threw it away.

[Lee Syatt]

And George felt bad. It's like he liked it and they.

[Joey Diaz]

Just run from there. This is why I have a friend of mine. She's a great girl. I love her to death. She calls me once every two weeks. Joey come on my house with was snorting, you know, like they do fucking whippets. And what's the other shit where you change your voice? Nitrous oxide.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

They do the crate. They got chocolate mushrooms. But when she's talking to me, I can hear goofy guys with him. Yeah, come over, man. I can't, I can't, I can't because those guys are telling a story that you've never heard before. He came over, we gave him one hit of weed. He was seeing things. And next thing you know, you're like, first off, I know Joey. He didn't smoke your weed. I'm not smoking nobody's weed. I bring my own for a fucking reason. Because I assume yours suck. If not a healthy house, I bring my own fucking ammunition. So this, it's, it's guys, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. But I hope you guys all learn a lesson. This poor bastard. Every two weeks, I ran into a guy. He says he knows you. George, you don't know me. Trust me when I'm telling you. Trust me. What I'M telling you, how do I know? Because I've seen people do that right in front of me. Like, right in front of me. Like, for example, you're like, what would it be? Okay, I'm at a bar, standing here with Lee, George and Nick. We're two idiots. Four idiots. Who's winning New England? I don't know. You know, whatever the fuck we talk about. And all of a sudden, the football player's girlfriend comes in.

[Lee Syatt]

Taylor Swift.

[Joey Diaz]

She comes in. We don't even see her. 10 black guys, she's got a fur on a van. People getting pushed out of the way. Because that's cool today. People want that to happen, right? They want that to happen. I'll get in the car with all four now. While we were there, we didn't even see her. She came out, she walked to the bathroom one time and she waved at us. And that was it. Out of us four. What are we going to tell when we come back up here?

[Lee Syatt]

We hung out with Taylor Swift.

[Joey Diaz]

We partied with Taylor Swift. You didn't party. She was at the same place that you were. By coincidence. You fucking idiot. It's the luckiest day in your life since your dog got hit by a car. Okay? And now you follow what I'm saying to you? It's a big difference. It's a big fucking difference. So that's what I don't like about the game.

[Lee Syatt]

That happens all. Did I ever tell you what happened with the girl I hooked up with before my ex dog?

[Joey Diaz]

It's a nightmare out there.

[Lee Syatt]

I hooked up with this girl once. We met online. We hooked up once. That was. That was the only STD ever I got. When I got thrush and my. My. My tongue turned purple, it was up. I didn't tell you this.

[Joey Diaz]

When was this?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, this was. This was 20, 21. April. I was losing weight, but not fully yet.

[Joey Diaz]

So are you.

[Lee Syatt]

I was in Massachusetts. Yeah, I was in. And I. I met this girl online. She started sending me dirty videos. I was like. And just a dating app. Like, no. Had no idea about the podcast, any of it. I went over once and the next day, my, my. It was like Willy Wonka. My stun. My tongue started to blow up and it turned purple. And you know how nervous I get. So I got nervous. And meanwhile, you go for an STD test, It takes two days to come back. She told me that. And I found. The doctor told me it was something called thrush, which is basically. You went down. Went down on someone with a yeast infection, pretty much. It was, there was nothing out there, but it was just. I told her about it and she was like, well, my sister is a nurse. And she said, you all the guys only get thrushed if they have AIDS because they have a weakened immune system. So I had to sit with that for two days. Of course I didn't have fucking aids. I never saw her again. I went to an open mic like a year, two years later and my buddy in an open mic was like, hey, I saw your ex girlfriend me. Meanwhile, I thought it was my ex from la and he told me who it was. I was like, I hooked up with her once and she's going around telling people she gave me a fucked up tongue. I had to let. I had to let lozenges dissolve on my tongue. It was like six times a day.

[Joey Diaz]

For like a purple tonguely.

[Lee Syatt]

It was fucked up.

[Joey Diaz]

Billy, listen, I am one of the nastiest motherfuckers I know. You don't got a purple tongue. I have stung my mouth in places where a billy goat will go, not today, okay? I'm that type of dude. I like to sniff a pussy and stick my tongue in there. And better yet, I'll flip them around and even if the asshole has that little wang to it, I'll still eat that pussy. Cause I'm a gentleman, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you are.

[Joey Diaz]

But dog, there's times I've left the pussy and I've gone like, oh, yeah, tomorrow something's not going to be good. I'll go home and listerine it and brush it. Oh, you know, put a little rubbing alcohol in there in your mouth and gargle with it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I had no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you know, you have to. You had the little thing that swells up, but that's what works.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it was the whole tongue. I was living with my mom at the point, at that point I've gotten.

[Joey Diaz]

To the point where under this there's a little whitehead that would pop from eating so much fucking rotten ass and pussy right underneath my tongue there. You gave yourself a white head under there? Yeah, there was a little white. Whenever I would go deep, like on a coked up night, right? Like I would go to Florida, do coke with chicks and just put coke on that pussy and eat it. I never met these women before. That's not good. That's not good. But I was such a fucking savage. That didn't matter. I had, you know, I was going 100% right before I met my wife. I lived a comedy life that was 100%. Couches, planes, trains, automobiles and cleaning pussy. Borrowing. It was fucking insane. It was fucking insane. But that's what I wanted because I knew that's the only way I could do it. That's the only way I could live. That's it. There was no gonna go work for a corporation. And we got to wear a blue shirt every Friday. There was no bowling leagues. There was none of that. I just wanted to fucking do something completely fucking different. Right? You know? That's why when I got into it, it was like, listen, there's two things I'm not going to talk about on stage and this little fucking cocaine faggotry I have going on that I'm going to quit. It's over. I'm going to do coke till they find me in a fucking hotel room in Iowa. Iowa somewhere. At least I know this going in, right? But I'm gonna die doing what I love doing. Doing comedy, eating ass and doing drugs.

[Lee Syatt]

That's it.

[Joey Diaz]

We just sat here for an hour before the break talking about interest. Do you guys notice I became a comedian? Not by really choice. It was all I had. It's all I could do, right? You know, it's all I could do. When I jump in the shower at fucking 8:30 in the morning or 7:30, I'm like, wow, I could sit in here for two hours if I wanted to. I don't. But I could. Not because I'm lazy, because I already did the work. I already laid my blueprint, okay? Do you know what I mean? But, yeah, I. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

But that's all you like sex, drugs and comedy.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, now I got no drugs, so the sex went down for 80%. You know, once you took the drugs from me, you took a little piece from me, as sad as that sounds, that's a sad statement. But I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

[Lee Syatt]

Why can't you get all horned up without the drugs?

[Joey Diaz]

It's not that. It's not that, Lee. I still get horned up like a normal American, right? But if you know anything about me, I don't want to get horned up like a normal American. I want to get horned up like a coke fiend.

[Lee Syatt]

Listen, just take a blue chew and crush it up. Those blue chews are fun.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, all right, listen, you do not understand what we're even talking about.

[Lee Syatt]

I guess not. Because a blue chew to me is.

[Joey Diaz]

A fucking what I'm party. What I'm talking to you about is a state of mind, a comedy state of mind. When you're in a zone. You know, we discussed going away for three months and just doing, you know, every show. We've discussed going away for a month and taking only Sunday nights off to sleep and do laundry. Right, we've discussed that. We've discussed all those things. So now what are we talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

We're talking about you not liking sex anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

No. So. I didn't say that, Lee. I'm just saying that when I was doing comedy, you know, it's like when people watch. And again, I'm not comparing myself to nobody, I'm just giving you an example. People were a little shocked when they watched the Charlie Sheen thing. To me, it's just another day in the zoo. You know what I'm saying? It's just another day in your zone. You know, when you play football, you're fucking 22. You just signed for 160 million dollar signing bonus. You know they're gonna give you 12 million a year to start at linebacker. You're starting, you're gonna move to Milwaukee. You're gonna start a whole new fucking life. How are you gonna live that life? Are you gonna fucking bog yourself down with bullshit? You're 23 fucking years old. Okay? What are you gonna bog yourself down with, slinging d? I am 20 fucking 3 years old. I should not be getting into a hamburger chain or a restaurant chain or. Listen, I'm gonna for one year, if God gives me one year to be a fucking nomad. And then after a year, if things work out, I'll trim the fat, I'll get rid of the bitches, whatever. You guys understand what I'm trying to say to you? For me, Kali was the same thing. Out in the open. I got upset with you last week for a disgusting thing, but you didn't see where I was coming from. I got upset with you because you didn't do mushrooms with Josh on a Friday night. That's why you get on the road. That's the essence of doing comedy. If not, go get a job if you're gonna go. When you go on the road on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, the only boundary you have is not to cheat on your wife or your girlfriend. That's it. That's the only boundary you have. Okay? But you wanna do something that you're not doing at home, why are you going home at 10:30 or I don't wanna be up till 5. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? That's what the road was for for me. And at 5:30, that's when you were Gonna write your best fucking material. I see what you're saying and you understand me. When I went on the road the first from 93 to 2000, I had no boundaries. No boundaries. Listen, whatever happened. Whatever happened. I followed a kid in Kentucky to a farm one night for 45 minutes, he told me he was going to get me coke. When I got there, he'd get me meth. Did I cry? I just did the Met. Okay, you understand where I'm going with this, right? It was a system. It was a means to an end. It was a. I wanted to experience every fucking minute of being a stand up fucking comic, you know? I didn't want to live. I have two choices. And again, I'm not talking bad about anyone. I could have done the road like Seinfeld or done the road like Sam Kenison. I'd rather do it like Sam Kenison. But I couldn't do it like that forever. So I did it. Kind of like Dice. He eats good, he stays out late, he gets high, he complains. You follow me, right? But it's all still 100%. We're still gonna go out to eat afterwards, right? In a big fucking steakhouse. We're gonna fucking jam. I don't give a fuck about. Well, I have to get on the plane at 5:30 in the morning. I don't give a fuck about your dilemmas, Lee, right? You're sleeping two hours tonight, that's it. But then I gotta drive to Boston, take a nap in the car, you know, Go buy a Tesla where the guy drives for you, right? Go get yourself a Tesla. Trey willing. Tell Nikki to take you down there. That's part of that life. I always wanted you to experience that life. George is an artist. George does frames, but he's a fucking artist. He's an artist, okay? George fucked up somewhere. He didn't get the Pepe Le Pew hat and the cigarette holder. Cause that's all they want in that world is to be cool. Change his name to Georgie to Panamanian Free Rings, and he looks like fucking Keith Richards with a scarf in July. That, you know, that's all part of it. Guys, why do I love gay men? Why do I really love the concept of gay men? Because yes, there's some gay guys that they get their plaid shirts and they go to Rudy's and look at the menu. Oh my God, I can't. But then there's some faggots that are just like, I didn't become a faggot for this shit. You know what I'm Saying I became a fag to go out there and be a murderer. Like, I'm busting assholes for eight years and I'm getting my asshole busted for eight years. I'm sucking dick in tents, I'm sucking dick in helicopters, whatever you got. I'm a floof. You follow me? People are forgetting that. People are forgetting that right now. I'm the happiest I've ever been with standup. I made a statement to you. I looked at your face and I said, I'm a hobbyist. Stand up now. Cause it is. Because I'm not worried about Netflix. I'm not worried about getting passed at a club. I'm not worried about getting my show picked up. I'm not worried about anything. I worry about two things coming up here, fucking around with you motherfuckers on Monday, saying whatever the fuck is on our mind or whatever the fuck's going on in society, and then working out once a week writing stupid shit. Listen, because I'm a part time comic, I don't have the full time comedy capacity in my mind like I used to, but when I do a couple shows in a row, I get it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I wouldn't call you a hobbyist. I understand what you're saying. A hobbyist to me is the guy that I would do open mics with in Worcester who came in in a squirrel costume.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, this is what I became. And I didn't become it. I became it by choice. Why, Joey? Why? Why? Why? I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna tell you and George, my brother and my nephew Nick in public. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was cutting against my grain, who I am inside. That's it. Just all this shit, you know, I charge 40 bucks for a ticket, I go online a week later, it's 280, you know, and nobody's got an explanation for me. This is what people. And then you bitch at me because, Joey, your tickets are 280. Dog, my tickets are $48. I understand it's Thanksgiving, but you have Turkish kindness. Charge, kindness fee this that. You just get burnt out. You get burnt out on people telling you you didn't sell enough tickets. What about when was the last time an agent called me and said, hey, man, be funny.

[Lee Syatt]

That's hysterical. Never probably in your whole career.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, I'm your manager. But I'm not calling. I'm calling you to go. I just got a call from the club you're at in January. So wait a second, I'm in the Middle of eating my wife's asshole and you called me to tell me I gotta make a video for January. Why are you managing me? Not once did one of those agents ever say to me, bro, go out there and be funny. And that's what we've forgotten. It's the fucking media. It's the Instagram, Lee. I just want you to be. Fucking remember what I'm telling you. Send out those envelopes for a commercial agent, and just right now, fucking be funny. Do something I didn't do. Explore every fucking topic, okay? Explore every fucking topic from now on. Whatever. Because it's a new world. You can explore PayPal, you can explore Uber Eats. You know, it's a whole different fucking game now. You know, you're about to get married. That's going to give you a ton of material when your wife's not around.

[Lee Syatt]

No, she doesn't give a shit. And it's also, trust me, there's going.

[Joey Diaz]

To be some shit you're going to pick up that you don't want around. You're going to fucking look both ways.

[Lee Syatt]

I have one of my funniest jokes is about her parents dying. So I don't. Oh, Jesus, I don't give a shit at all. She's really cool.

[Joey Diaz]

But you're about to get married. You're about to go to honeymoon. You know, you're about to do all these things that are new to you. Touch on them. Because this is. I think we just lose. Remember, we. Comedy's about you. Comedy's about me. You know, like, how is this affecting my shit every fucking day? You know, how am I affecting it, right? You know, how am I. Like, I was thinking from that perspective lately. Like, how did I affect not voting for fucking Jack chick? You know what I'm saying? He's down 300,000 votes.

[Lee Syatt]

It's all because you didn't vote for him.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, do I feel guilty now about not registering and vote? Nah, I'm gonna stay a fucking felon, right? I'm gonna stay a felon. You follow me?

[Lee Syatt]

That should be the. That's the new name of the tour. The Felon Tour.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the Felon Tour.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh. But you know what's cool for me is, like, I'm finally, like, I'm in my, I think, ninth year. I don't even know. But, like now, like, if I have a joke that doesn't work, like, I know it's going to come back and it'll work at some point. Like, it's. It's like there's there's jokes that I'm doing now that I had the idea of, like, six, seven years ago, and I just wasn't, like, I didn't know how to make the joke. And now, like, one of my biggest laughs, I get told you that I.

[Joey Diaz]

Love that you're not good enough to deliver that joke. You're like, you'll say it, and they're like, fucking nobody laugh. But three people laugh and they'll go, bro, we love that joke, but you're the only motherfuckers who laugh at it. And then you're going to save it. And one night now you're going to connect them or tie it in or now you see it from a different perspective. You're going to blur it out, and that joke's going to fucking kill. That's the rest of your fucking career.

[Lee Syatt]

And it's also like, I'm really not scared to say anything, but I had a situation this weekend where I had a show at a. At a weed store, and a homeless guy, just, like, the window was open for some reason. And though it was like 30 degrees out, the window was open. This homeless guy just started talking to me. And I, like. Nor, like, I had other shows where, like, I would, like, I was thinking about it, like, I could have told him to go away or, like, someone could escape.

[Joey Diaz]

I. I started talking when you told me on the phone, I was so happy because you're finally starting to get it. There's comedians that are dying so bad on stage, they wish a homeless guy would open the window.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I want to bring him with me. That was the funniest 10 minutes I've ever had.

[Joey Diaz]

The thing that you forgot about the audience and turned it into him. That's a gift. And I'm happy you did it that way because you could have pandered the audience. What's this homeless guy doing here? I should have just stayed in California. You went nookie up to him. So what do you think? How long have you been homeless for? And the people. When was the last time he got a piece of ass? About three months ago, I raped a chick down by the waterfront.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and they'll say shit like that. That's what comedy is, guys.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, he came up to me. He asked me what I was. I was talking about jerking off. And I asked him the last time he jerked. I said, when was the last time you jerked off out there? He says, oh, I jerk off all the time to scare people away, to stay safe. And then I don't. I Don't think he was too happy with me. He's like. He's like, where are you from? And I told him Massachusetts, and he had never heard of it. And he's like, manhattan. I said, no, Massachusetts. He's like, oh, the suburbs. He's like, you've never been on the dark side, have you? You've never seen the darkness. I was like, I dated. The joke I had is, I dated a black girl in college. And that got a big laugh. But he's like. I was like, I don't want it. He's like, you don't know what the dark side is.

[Joey Diaz]

How you get rid of them is, give him a 20 and tell them, go buy a sandwich. Now the audience applause. You're a hero. You gave the homeless guy. Now you got to hunt him down afterward to get it back. But that's the fucking problem. You got.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, but I was able to go dark, like. And this is not a joke I normally. But it's like, I. It's a thought I've had. But as soon as he left, I was like, you know what? Good for him for not killing himself. And like, it's. And like, it's a. That would never work at a. At a real show, me saying, like, why don't homeless people kill? Like, but it's like, in the moment. Like, that's what I. What I. I wasn't good at. But before, it was about being in the moment, and it was. I had so much fun, and, like, I listened back to it, and I was kind of mad at myself. Like, I should have gone in different directions in the moment. But it was. It was like, one of the most fun I've had on stage at a weed store and a home, a homeless guy. I'm hoping the video is going to come out. Well, see, because they were filming it, but it was crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's really weird how you don't know how bad of a comic you are until you actually pay money to go see a comic. And the waitress drops her tray. And this guy could attack it from a thousand ways. There's some comics that won't address it. There's some comics that are dying on stage that they're waiting for that to happen. Because now they could torture somebody for eight minutes and get a new start from there. And then there's guys that'll take that and really take it to another level. Like, never mind, because they were dying. They don't even need that. They don't even need that. But it made such a Commotion in the room. Two people got up and did this. And the lady over here wiped her face. I got to address it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? When somebody has a fucking heart attack during your show, you gotta fuckin.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit. But that's why I was saying earlier, like, about like going to see comedy live, like, like the show. Regular shows are great. And I know you've. You've told the story about like that woman who like gave you the blowjob in between shows, but have you had like a situation like that, like a crazy thing happened while you were on stage that you just had to address? Anything come to mind?

[Joey Diaz]

I would address the guy getting a handjob at my show. There was only four other people in the audience.

[Lee Syatt]

A guy got a hand job at your show?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. An open mic in the city at one in the fucking morning, Lee. 130, close to the Bowery down there. I just forgot where the fuck it was. The old Triple Inn.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit. And you just let it happen. You could see it from stage, but you just let it happen.

[Joey Diaz]

How bad do you feel if you're sacrificing your life for this thing called stand up? You're number 82 on a list of fucking 85. 85. Now you go up on stage, there's four people left. You're obviously eating a bag of dick, but to really shit on your day, you look over and there's a black hooker giving an old man a hand job with glasses on.

[Lee Syatt]

It was an old man?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he was like older than me, like 80, with glasses. He had like three hairs and he was just sitting there and she's giving him a hand job covering it. But you could see her hand moving and she looking at me like, yeah, just three more minutes of this shit. And he came and she just got up and left. So I didn't know if she came in with him or if she just came in and sat next to lonely guys and said, yeah, holy shit. So how bad would you feel about your career at that point? I didn't have the chops to even go, hey, you're getting a hand job here. I didn't even have the chops to say that. Right. I would have probably melted or fucking ate a bag of even more dicks. So, yeah, there's times, but after a while, there's some shit you address to get attention. Are you dying or is that an Italian shirt you have on? You know, whatever, right? But there's some shit that organically happens. That organically happened.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're not forcing it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. That organically happened. So you have to address it. Or don't. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying that I would especially. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. Because at one point I would have tried to drag him into a window. You know, that's fucking brilliant. At one time, you light up a joint, give it to him.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, we should have. We had a joint. God damn it. We should have given it to him.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's your whole act.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're not worried about the audience laughing. You're worried about the fucking thing. You know, I watched an interview one time. You don't know what I'm talking about. George knows. Maybe Nick knows. After they shoot Sonny on the causeway, I saw the like an Actor studio with Robert Duval, and Robert Duval was talking about his. Like, the guy goes, when you. You enjoy rehearsing? You know, I got with the glasses. Lipton.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you enjoy rehearsing? And he goes something about, yeah, I enjoyed it for theater and stuff, but for some movies we did, some we didn't. He goes, but particularly the Godfather. He goes, I like rehearsing till I rehearsed from Marlon Brando, because you could rehearse 80 times. And when that camera shut on, that motherfucker did something completely different to keep you guessing. He goes, you fucking. You know. And he goes, well, give us an example. He goes, when he comes down in that scene, I'm drinking, at one point, he just decided to take the cup from me. He goes, I didn't know what to do. Thank God I stayed in character. And he goes, it was brilliant what came out of his mouth. That shit wasn't even close to what we were supposed to say. And then he came back to him and he goes, call the cemetery, the guy, tell him he owes the favor. That's brilliant shit. You're keeping. Even the people around you, they don't know, right? That's why I love when people go, hey, do you know what you're gonna be talking about tonight?

[Lee Syatt]

Or how much time you're doing?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, listen, let's go. We're having a great time here. If we're having a great time, I'll do close to an hour 20 if I'm really in the moment. Because I feel after an hour 20, that's it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that's a good amount.

[Joey Diaz]

What should be coming out of my mouth after that should be even more heat, and it's not. So now your batting average goes from.500 the 322. Keep it at 500 and get off. Let them want more. If I'm. Sometimes I know I'm on fire and I know I got 30 minutes, but I got them at such a peak, I cut them off at the hour. Yep, they got. They just got cut off when Soprano came in and the guy walked in and the camera shut off. That's it. They don't know. They just gave me a better response and I thought they would give to my closer. So I shut it down.

[Lee Syatt]

See, that's. I still fuck up sometimes, but that's a great thing. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's nine years compared to 30, right? Oh, I know you follow me?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't ever. Don't ever. And don't ever judge. Like, I could go at the 10 year mark. I had nothing on you at the 10 year mark. I had a pilot that I was almost thrown off the set for how bad of acting I was. I had a movie that I almost got fired from for stealing all the roller skates. But the only thing I shot was Mad tv, okay? And that helped me because it was in the comedy realm now. And at the time, Mad TV was still hot. The Sopranos was hot. And I did a Soprano sketch. So it was perfect. All the fucking trees were aligned. But beside that, you're a cunt. Tear away from getting it. From getting into a club that will give you four spots in a week. Oh, okay. Fourths at the same place.

[Lee Syatt]

I love that.

[Joey Diaz]

Whether it's Gotham, whether it's the Stand, whether it's New York Comedy Club, you're at a con's hair away from getting three or four spots a week and other spots that you'll hustle and then you'll see the growth. But I tell you what, again, this is a comedy podcast, but it's also about life. It all gets better in time. Don't put an expiration date on your fucking dream.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, never.

[Joey Diaz]

It's time, dog.

[Lee Syatt]

If that's why I didn't like you calling yourself a hobbyist, because that's not an expiration date.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a fucking A hypothesis. You know, when I worked, you saw the difference.

[Lee Syatt]

There's a different. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay? So that was. That was seven to four spots a week every week since we met. You saw that. This is no lie. This is no. And you're a professional. You're touring. You're touring. Right now I'm just Hammond Rocky in the beginning.

[Lee Syatt]

Hammond Egger.

[Joey Diaz]

Hammond Egger. I'm in Hammond Agar that still gets lucky and sells some tickets at the right places at the right time. And I still go out there and give it 100% of what I could do the best I can. Am I Joe Diaz from 2019? No. But sometimes I get there. Yeah. Sometimes on a good night, I get there. And lately I've been getting there. I'm honest with the audience, you know, and that's the best thing you could do. But this. George is an artist. My art and his art is the same. It's only two different. It covers two different things. But art will always be art. You know, when you go to Jiu Jitsu, you learn an arm bar from one guy, you learn bar from another guy. It's completely different. But guess what? It's an arm bar. My fuck is tapping for his elbow. That's an art. It's two different ways. And it's live. Right? It continues to change and evolve and grow. That's art. George will tell you what he does. Now. We had a discussion of his job this weekend. Framing and fucking plunges and inches and whatever, you know? Ask him if he could have done that 25 years ago, because he's been doing that. If I'm doing comedy 35, he's doing that 40 fucking years. Wow.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And that's the dream. And it's. It does. Do you ever get pissed off because you would that, like, you're this good now, but you're in your 60s.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's. Let's. Let's speak. Let's speak some fucking truth here, okay? The truth of the matter is. It took me 14 years to get a feature movie. But guess what? Nobody knew who I was. I was the fat funny guy. And it took 21 years for anybody to know my name. How many people could do something for 21 years and be enthusiastic when nobody knows your name? B Rock, you met me about that time. I was three years sober on coke, and I was on the uptick. And I had a vision. And I knew that if I could get something out there completely different than what everybody else was doing, everybody's always trying to be funny. Guess what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna tell them about my life, and that's not that fucking funny. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we got some funny shit, right? But it ain't that funny. So when everybody else is dying to make you laugh, I was trying to make you cry. I was trying to show you. You know what I'm saying? So I figured that out, you know, I Like boxing and hbo, the thing, they always have that one on one with the boxer. You could hate this guy. And all of a sudden he's got nine kids and he works at UPS and his wife died and he has to raise the kids by himself. And he trains, and he's become this athlete with all these abstractions in his life. Whether you like this dude or not, you like him, you have some form of respect for him, right? And that's all I wanted to do, was let people know. Yeah, I'm a felon. I made some mistakes. But let me tell you what led up to that, and then we'll take it from there. And how standup came into the realm.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

So it was 21 years, Lee. It was 2011, 2012. That's 22 years. And this is movies, TV shows, MAD TV, Ralphie Joe Rogan. It just wasn't clicking. What do you mean by not clicking, Joey? Something wasn't clicking. And to answer your question, I wasn't selling tickets, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Which is the, like, the only thing.

[Joey Diaz]

They care about, that they care about. I did not know that, okay? In my stupid, naive head, I thought the funniest guy in the room got the nod, right? But it doesn't work like that no more. If you want to put the work in. Like Andrew Dice Clay put the work in the East Coast. Once he conquered the east coast, he took his party out to the west coast, and it was. He already had momentum, but he developed it. Long Island, Phipps Rascals, Atlantic City and New York City clubs. Maybe. I think he just stayed in Brooklyn, right? So as long at one point, right now you're just going through rounds, but at one point, you're gonna actually see the playing field and how you're gonna play it. You know, I only got one good running back. I got no blocking, and I got three guys that could catch a fucking meteor. You know, you gotta work with what you got, right? Right now, keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna be funny. Right now. You're not trying to sell tickets?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

What? Even if. Even if they put you on one last episode, last comic standing, and you gotta go out there and then half the room, it's not worth it. I'd rather you blood, sweat and tears. So no matter what, at the end of this war, you know that you did the best you can?

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

That's all. We did the best we could with what we could. There's comics that are fucking huge. You think I sit at home at night crying and going, that could have been me if it wasn't for the pandemic. That couldn't be me if it wasn't. No, I didn't want to be that. I was happy with what I had. I knew where I came from. It would have been a better story if I was selling arenas and Rocky came out with the American flag and all that. That would have been great. But you know what? I'd rather have what I got. I'm happy. And look, I'm in love with comedy again.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

With the root of comedy, not everything else. The root of comedy. Looking at certain words, trying different things, talking about myself, about things I never even dreamt of talking about. They're not nasty. I would say the nasty shit. Now I gotta say the good shit and try to make it funny. It's all different adjustments, man. And listen, you're doing your spots. Just keep doing what you're doing.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude, where you going for Thanksgiving?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm staying local. We're going to be on Long Island. My mom's coming up. We'll see what happens. I got tomorrow, tonight. I'll be at Sheba's tomorrow night, Wednesday night with you at Parks, and then we'll see what happens.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. That's all we got, man. And listen, we've been doing this podcast for a long time. Fucking Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Remember this Wednesday, Philadelphia Parks, Casino, still tickets available. And then December 5th, we're at the Pantheon at Caesars, Virginia and Danville. Listen, that's a great place. It's a beautiful fucking place. It's gonna be a great show. I got some good comics coming down. If you got the time and you got in your budget, come on. If not, I'm coming back and I'll see you the next time. And that's it. Had a great time today.

[Lee Syatt]

Love it. And go to the right website. Make sure you go to the actual. The casino's website. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking around, punching, fucking the mgm.

[Lee Syatt]

Caesar's, Caesars. What is it called?

[Joey Diaz]

Caesars. At the Pantheon. At the Caesars, Virginia. It's a beautiful theater. Fucking come on out and have a great time. If you have any suggestions of where to eat, please put them on my Twitter, on my Facebook page, or Instagram me. And that's it, brother.

[Lee Syatt]

I love it. Good to see you, dude. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Joey Diaz]

Happy Thanksgiving to all you motherfuckers. From a Catholic and a Jew. Who's better than you? Nobody. Have a great week. Stay black. I.