The Public Urination Tour

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: The Public Urination Tour
Date: October 14, 2025
Hosts: Joey "Coco" Diaz, Lee Syatt

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are live from New York City, riffing with their trademark blend of raw humor and truth-telling. The discussion weaves through nostalgia, life lessons, social commentary, and hilarious personal anecdotes—particularly centered on themes of focus, not getting distracted by the noise of modern life, and, as the title suggests, public urination mishaps.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Marking Time: Dates, Memories, and Personal History

• Joey reflects on October 15th: The anniversary of his ex-wife leaving him, a turning point he equates to winning the lottery.
• Importance of remembering crucial dates—good and bad—for perspective.
  • “If you don’t know your past, you’re not going to know your future.” (Joey, 00:47)
• Reflecting on pivotal moments: Sometimes unexpected losses become the luckiest breaks.

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2. Modern Society’s Focus on Distractions

• Commentary on America’s susceptibility to distraction—be it drugs, social media, or outrage over trivial pop-culture events (e.g., Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime show).
  • “You wake up in the morning, go on the Internet, and see a bunch of people talking about shit early in the morning that doesn't affect their lives at all.” (Joey, 06:54)
• Critique of outrage culture and misplaced priorities.
  • “I've never watched the Super Bowl to see who the musical fucking guest is… You're watching a game, trying to get a blowjob from some chick at a fucking bar and you’re worried about Bad Bunny?” (Joey, 08:11)
• The Epstein List, political distractions, and the vanishing of real issues in the noise.
• Lee offers the perspective that social media engagement is an easy, addictive distraction from real life stressors.

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3. Living With Purpose vs. Drifting

• Joey contrasts people driven by want and discipline (example: his friend working three jobs to build something) with those stuck in routines or absorbed by unimportant things.
  • “That’s want. Everything else…I don’t know what you’re talking about.” (Joey, 18:38)
• Anecdotes about people passing up opportunities for trivial reasons (like skipping a paid show for a game or a birthday).
• Disdain for adults overly invested in sports teams or pop-culture, to the detriment of tangible goals.
• Reference to Steven Pressfield’s “The War of Art”: “It’s all procrastination. ‘I’ll do that later.’ There ain’t no later.” (Joey, 21:54)

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4. Comic Con, Weakness, and Old-School NYC

• Joey’s comic dismay at adults attending Comic Con in costume in the NYC streets—contrasting it with his own youth.
  • “If I ever go to Comic Con, it's to do this country a favor. And it's to get an M40 and shoot them all as they come out…” (Joey, 22:32)
• “We went to get our dick sucked and to eat Quaaludes. That was our Comic Con.” (Joey, 23:16)

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5. Drugs, Aging, and Regret

• Self-deprecating humor about substance abuse in the past, missing the chaos, but also reflecting on the limits and wisdom that come with age.
  • “If God ever came down to me in a bush and said, 'You got five years left,' watch my smoke.” (Joey, 26:05)
• Regrets about never attending an orgy, jokingly running down what he'd do differently with advance notice of death.

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6. Adapting and Growth: Crime, Comedy, and Character Change

• Tales from Joey’s criminal past, working at Foot Locker, outsmarting the cops, and transforming from a life of crime to comedy.
• The importance of drawing a line when pursuing a new path:
  • “I wasn't gonna let my shit character ruin my destiny.” (Joey, 49:19)
• Setting new standards for himself upon entering comedy (no stealing, earning his way).

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7. On Standup, Professionalism, and Getting Paid

• Joey's attitude about getting paid for gigs, not tolerating being jerked around (especially when needing “coke money” back in the day).
  • “I don't care how they do it. This is not unacceptable. I do a job for you...Go do yours.” (Joey, 53:22)
• Transition from unreliable, chaotic days to more reliable professionalism, even if the urge to rant persists.

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8. Keeping Life Simple, Blocking Out Noise

• The strategy for progress: ruthlessly cutting out unnecessary conversations and focusing on tasks that build towards tangible goals.
  • “How is this putting money in my pocket? How is this conversation putting money in my pocket? How am I profiting from this?” (Joey, 61:02)
• The analogy of the “addicted mind”—waking up each day and being singularly focused on attaining one’s goal.

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9. Medication, Health, and (Literal) Public Urination

• Joey describes worsening health, especially breathing problems, which now cause him to pee constantly—hence the episode title.
• Graphic, hilarious description of urinating in a mall after failing to find a bathroom in time.
  • “I just took my dick out and it just hit the glass and then it just started dripping… I put my pants back in. I looked down. I had a stain this big on my pants.” (Joey, 71:36)
• Discussion of tricks and tactics for peeing discreetly in public; anxiety and embarrassment around aging body functions.

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10. Family Moments and Parent Humor

• Warm but irreverent stories about parenting—letting his daughter and her friends stay out playing late, taking them for dessert and joking about “Sex and the City.”
• Dealings with his daughter's increasing access to social media, independence, and impending driving lessons.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There's a difference between winning the lottery and living the lottery. We didn't win shit. We earned the lottery.” (Joey, 02:18)
• “Everybody who has the free time…and it's only going to get worse because when AI takes over, it's going to be nothing but people with time to be upset online.” (Lee, 12:37)
• “You wouldn't worry about Epstein if you were getting your dick sucked.” (Joey, 16:13)
• “If you got a favorite team at 40, just kill yourself.” (Joey, 20:10)
• “I'm not gonna let my shit character ruin my destiny.” (Joey, 49:19)
• “How is this putting money in my pocket?” (Joey, 61:02)
• “Nothing. The bluebird of happiness is not going to knock on your door and give you what you want.” (Joey, 64:42)
• “I just took my dick out and it just hit the glass…” (Joey, 71:36)
• “If mercy leaves, there's nothing to talk about. I walk upstairs and in that shower, in that 20 minutes… I start thinking…” (Joey, 13:20)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:26 | Joey remembers his divorce anniversary—luckiest day of his life | | 06:45 | Rant on overblown social outrage, especially the Bad Bunny Super Bowl debate | | 13:20 | Joey's meditative, problem-solving shower routine | | 18:38 | Difference between people who want something and those who just complain | | 21:54 | Discussion of procrastination and “The War of Art” book | | 22:32 | Joey’s Comic Con rant | | 26:05 | What Joey would do if told he only had five years to live | | 49:19 | On not letting his character flaws ruin his new life in comedy | | 61:02 | Ruthless pragmatism: “How is this putting money in my pocket?” | | 71:36 | The infamous mall public urination story | | 81:10 | Hilarious story about his daughter and her friends at the bar |

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Episode Tone & Style

Joey and Lee keep it raw, raucous, and unfiltered. Joey’s style veers between brutal honesty and raunchy humor, frequently punctuated by wild analogies and spontaneous story tangents. Lee plays the straight man, often prompting Joey’s stories and chiming in with a dry wit and the occasional devil’s advocate take.

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Conclusion

This episode is classic Joey Diaz—equal parts standup, storytelling, and real-world wisdom delivered with biting humor. The stories are personal, the lessons hard-won, and the laughter constant. Listeners unfamiliar with the show will come away with a sense of Joey’s philosophy: focus on what matters, block out the bullshit, and never be afraid to share an embarrassing story for a good laugh.

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Tip top Magoo, motherfuckers. See you next week, same bat time, same bat channel.

Transcript

[A]

What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with his fucking trusted Cato for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening now, new edition. It's Tuesday, the 14th of October. Are you kidding me or what? Wednesday it'll be halftime already and that puts you at two months from Christmas.

[B]

Halftime.

[A]

What? Halftime of October 15th. What the fuck you think I'm talking about?

[B]

No idea.

[A]

And the 15th is also the anniversary of my fucking savior. When I walked in the door, my wife told me she wanted to get separated and divorced. That's what the anniversary is. October 15th, 35 years ago, that bitch cut me loose. Thank God.

[B]

Do you write these dates down?

[A]

Yeah, just to see where the fuck I am every year at this time.

[B]

Yeah, but how do you remember, like from the.

[A]

I remember all the crucial fucking dates, okay? I remember all the important dates, sentencings, shit like that. Just, just so you know where you're at. If you don't know if. Listen, if you don't know your past, you're not going to know your future.

[B]

Right, I understand that, but from 40, like, like now would be easy. Like now you could put it on your calendar if you really wanted to remember it. But in 19, whatever, 90, whatever.

[A]

Imagine wanting to do something so fucking bad. Like for three months, this is all you think about. Like, how am I going to do stand up comedy? How am I going to do. This came out of left field when I walked in that afternoon for lunch at two in the afternoon and she was waiting for me and she just pulled up a paper like, what's this? I go, it's a student loan. I took up, look at the bottom, it says paid. What's the problem? Well, you never told me about it. A relationship. Done. Good. What do you want me to tell you? It's paid, that's it, it's over. Done. Right. I don't think this is going to work. Well, fuck, when she told me that, it was like, you ever hit like the Wheel of Fortune? Wheel of Fortune. And you see all these trips and vacations and exotic blowjobs and then you win like 300. You're like, what the fuck?

[B]

Exotic blowjobs?

[A]

Yeah, exotic blowjobs and shit like that. So that's why I'll never forget that date, I guess because it was the luckiest day of my fucking life.

[B]

Do you play like the lottery every year? Do you do anything?

[A]

I hit the lottery when she fucking told me to.

[B]

Get out.

[A]

What the fuck? There's a difference between winning the lottery and living the lottery, right? Yeah, big fucking difference, man. And you have to know which one you're doing, whether you're living the lottery or you're fucking winning the lottery. We didn't win shit. We earned the lottery. I didn't win nothing. Nobody knocked on my door and said, hey, this is what you get. Nobody a shit. They just fucking.

[B]

You took advantage of the opportunity.

[A]

That's it. But before we get started, let's do some ads and let's get this episode because we got a lot to talk about. So we got to get this shit out of the way. We're talking about probiotics today. What else we gonna talk to them about a couple things, but we'll be back in two minutes. All right. What's happening? Beautiful people, Uncle Joey here want to talk to you about something. Listen, I don't know if you know it, your gut has a massive impact on how you feel each and every day. Look at the size of my gut. I know about these things. Bioma keeps things in tip top shape so you can feel your best no matter what life throws your way. Bioma's blend of prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics help restore healthy microbiomes. You're gonna wanna give bioma a try and get things sorted down there. Listen, I love it. I take two of these every day and my stomach feels tip top, Magoo. My blood tests are even coming back better. So if your gut is full of the wrong bacteria, get bioma and get it together. It's not just about being smooth and regular digestion. Your gut can mess with hormone levels, energy, weight management and even lifespan. So what I'm gonna do is this. Take 15% off your bioma order to get started. Just click the link in our show notes and press in Code Joey J O E Y. That's code Joey j o e yoma.com that's code Joey. 15% off when you click the link in our show notes. Thank you. You ever wake up in the morning and you're feeling a little ho hum? Well, it's time to put some magic back in your breakfast with Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon makes high protein zero sugar cereal and treats that you'll remember from your childhood. It's great if you're carb conscious and it comes in nostalgic flavors like fruity cocoa and frosted Me. I like the cocoa and the fruity. I love them. Every serving of their cereal has 13 grams of protein. Do you hear what I'm saying? 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and only 4 grams of net carbs. No time for a bowl. Magic Spoon makes crunchy cereal treats that are delicious. They're packed with 12 grams of protein for an on the go option. Great in the morning and around workouts or as a midnight snack. How I have them. Get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com church or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off. And enjoy it, Jack, cuz it's good. Kick this meal, Lee. We're back, bitches. All right, we want to talk about something real quick. We were talking when I got here today, and it reminded me of something. And it's what's going on in the world. What's been happening since I was a kid. You know, when I was a kid, somebody a teacher told me in high school one time, we were talking about drugs, okay? They were talking about drugs in like a social studies class. I still remember the teacher and he said that the reason he goes, yeah, you people think Colombia's sending the drugs in here? It's not the Colombians. It's everybody who's against the United States. It's China, it's fucking Russia. You know, all this shit. And at the end of the day, it's to weaken us. So when they come over to take over, all they gotta do is throw a bag of coke at us. We'll grab the bag of coke and that's it. I don't know if you people know that that's a common fucking thing right now. If somebody wanted to take over us, we'd be so Asia on a country. And it's not because we're divided. It's not because we're politically whatever. It's because we've become so stupid and so factuated with things that don't affect your life. And I don't know if you guys know this. It bothers me to no end. I love waking up in the morning. I love it. Smoking dope and going on the Internet and seeing a bunch of people talking about shit early in the morning that doesn't affect their lives at all, doesn't put a dime in your pocket and doesn't change your life at any level at all. And I love to see when people get fired up for no reason. I'll tell you what I really love is when I go somewhere and they think, that's what you want to talk about. Like when it becomes that, like, so what do you guys think about the Bad Bunny thing? Nothing. There's nothing to think about. But it's really fucking sad that two weeks later I'm still reading about things that. Bad Bunny. Bad Bunny at the super bowl, it's a fucking game, okay? I don't know you people. I don't know any of you guys in this room. I have never. I can look myself in the mirror on a stack of fucking Bibles with Jesus sitting next to me. I have never watched the super bowl to see who the musical fucking guest is. I could be. I don't care if it's Prince, Michael Jackson, Snoop Dogg. I could give a fuck. Because it's a medley of songs. It's eight minutes, and they gotta do it, you know? Oh, well, Paul McCartney. I don't want to hear. Get back. I don't want to hear that shit no more. I don't want to hear that shit no more. And the reason why people are bad at Bad Bunny is because the bad fucking last five fucking Super Bowls didn't agree with you, the musical guest, and you couldn't say nothing. He couldn't say nothing because that makes you a fucking racist, okay? But now since Bet. Oh, well, he don't even speak English. Who gives a fuck? You're watching a game, you're betting the game. You're trying to get a blowjob from some chick at a fucking bar and you're worried about Bad Bunny. Well, Bad Bunny. And then you. The things that people were saying. Like, what are they mad?

[B]

I gotta be honest.

[A]

Oh, my God. Like Marky Wahlberg. Go back. He's an idiot that gets up at 4 in the morning every day and makes believe he's a Catholic with all this shit. You know, get prayed up. You know, what the fuck? That's the biggest bullshit in the world when you got to go on the Internet, get prayed up. You know, like I'm gonna respect you more cause you're a fucking piece of shit Catholic. I don't understand these people. I'm a Catholic, but I'm not a piece of shit Catholic, right? When I was doing bad shit, I didn't go to church. I didn't make believe. I didn't do this shit. I. And I would never sit in the fucking front and make believe I'm a saint. I sit in the back with the fucking sinners. It's like when you go to a Jew funeral. When you go to a Jew fucking. When you go to a cemetery. I don't want to be buried up front with the nice people. Bury me in the back with the Catholics that committed Suicide. And the Jews who put a tattoo on that didn't listen. You know, they didn't listen. They didn't listen. I'm not even Jewish, and I won't get a tattoo because of what happens. I'm not even fucking Jewish. But I know you. You know? I know. But anyway, I don't want to get people started on the Jewish thing. Cause then they'll. But it's the truth. Where we're at two weeks now, people are angry about a performer in the Super Bowl. You have to ask yourself, but the good thing about this. What happened to the Epstein list? It's gone. Cause everybody's worried about the fucking. This is all they do to you. It's a fucking mental game that you idiots go in and out of every fucking day. It's something else. And if you just focused on your life and your family, it would be so much easier. Like, I'm gonna tell you guys something now that I'm ashamed to tell you. And I'll tell you, I didn't know who Charlie Kirk was when he got shot. When he got shot. My wife told me. Charlie Kirk. Charlie. Charlie Kirk is some dude in the fucking corner of me. I don't even know who Charlie Kirk was.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm not ashamed to tell you that, because I don't have time. I don't give a fuck about Charlie Kirk. I'm sorry that he's dead and all that, but you guys know what I'm saying? I don't have time.

[B]

But it's not even that you don't.

[A]

Cause I'm so busy in my life and focused on what we're trying to do on a daily basis. And I look at my daughter and I look at us and what needs to be done. What needs to be fucking done. Not Charlie Kirk, not fucking the super bowl, not anything. Not anything. I don't understand how people who bitch all day about the price of eggs and, you know, this and the economy and this and that. Well, then focus on it.

[B]

Yeah, but that's not fun. It's way more fun to get likes on Facebook.

[A]

What's more fun? Hanging out with your buddies. That's super bowl it's debacle. Who gives a fuck? He's singing Spanish. Lower it.

[B]

Is that really what they're upset about?

[A]

They're upset about anything that you know. But who do you want? Who do you want? I mean, because of Black Lives Matter, every year we got to put it on hip hop. Yeah. And that's the truth now. That's the truth. Okay. I'm not ashamed to say it. We got a caterpillar to everybody. The only guy that should have been at the super bowl this year should have been a country guy that should have been at the super bowl this year. Chris Stapleton and Dua Lipa or something like that. Somebody knew. But America doesn't need to see that shit. Whether it's Snoop Dogg doing the Crip walk. How does that change your fucking life?

[B]

50 Cent. Hanging upside down.

[A]

Yeah, hanging upside down. Pink. Her aerobic. She's a singer.

[B]

I have to be honest.

[A]

If she want to do aerobics and do Joint Circus D Soleil. I don't want to say that. I want to see you play music. But that's not the fucking point. The point is that we're so like concerned with things that aren't even on.

[B]

Our fucking radar because there's so much free time.

[A]

Who has free time?

[B]

All these people who check off on this shit.

[A]

Everybody who has the free time.

[B]

And it's only going to get worse because when AI takes over, it's going to be nothing but people with time to be upset online. Because that's all I was thinking about when you were talking about. This is. You've talked for years about, you know, when you're doing stand up or whatever, you just don't. I have. I was. I had zero idea they were upset about the halftime show. I didn't even know that was the thing.

[A]

00. I went to eat dinner the other night and I heard the bartender ask some people and I go, even on a fucking Thursday night, this fucking knucklehead. And people were like, oh. They had like a 30 minute conversation and I'm like, this is fucking sad. Meanwhile, there's a hot chick at the bar with a pussy on fire. Nobody's paying attention to her. It's, it's, it's been. And for a guy like me, it's very hard. Cause I don't give. I've lived my life not giving a fuck, right? Not even listening to what you have to say. I really could care less when people call you with like, you're in from 8 to 4, you're doing business. Even when I'm in the gym, I'm thinking about who I gotta call. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, when I get up in the morning, there's a window and I do my writing and you go on the Internet, whatever you read, whatever the fuck. But after that, everything I'm doing is preparing for my day. Like, I get mad at My wife, when I go in the shower, I don't want nobody in the bathroom. Don't be in there finishing up your hair. My wife has a problem that if I tell her I'm gonna go take a shower, all of a sudden she needs to go in that shower. And I'll tell her, get the fuck out. I love my wife 25 years. I respect her, but she doesn't understand. When I walk into that shower, I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm not thinking, so what are you gonna do? Where's the brush? I don't fucking know. I'm worried about how we're gonna pay bills this month. Okay? I don't know what. So on that morning, that shower, I don't talk to nobody. Once mercy leaves, there's nothing to talk about. I walk upstairs and in that shower, in that 20 minutes, after I scrub my asshole and my balls and shampoo and brush my teeth, I start thinking. I sit there and I think about my day, and I think, we were talking about a situation I had with my wife that happened Friday. I thought about it for three days, because usually I'm from North Bergen. I go down there with a stick, hit the guy. Do you follow me? So as I got older, after Don Quito, you have to think about things before you attack him. And that's on any level. And this is something that comes with age and wisdom. This wasn't me at 30, because I know I'm an idiot, and I'll go down there and end up in jail, you know? On the text, he said, I'm calling the police. What would happen if I showed up down there? You know what I'm saying? So I have to think about things. But it took me three fucking days. And then I ran it through a very close friend of mine that's also friends with him to make sure. And that's the world.

[B]

But that's not the world.

[A]

Have you ever. Have you ever ran to social media to post something and then you realize you posted the wrong thing? And then get the facts that, dude, why fucking post? Why post anything? Look at my Twitter and my Instagram the last five years. I don't post much, nor do I want to.

[B]

I got in trouble for liking a post. I don't want to bring it back up, but one of our friends posted something before we had all the information. I just liked it because I thought it was funny. I got messages that just. That just because I liked it, they actually get off the podcast, those people.

[A]

She get a life and that's the problem you have there. That's the problem you have, that nobody has a fucking life anymore. You wouldn't worry about Epstein if you were getting your dick sucked. If you're sitting there every day and some chick is sucking your dick with ice cubes and whipped cream and shoving a finger up your ass, you got no time to worry about Epstein, right? Yeah, you got no time to worry about nothing. You're just worried about that this cheek. This chick better not have a cavity. She's gonna give my pee hole a fucking cavity or something like that. You don't. When you're thinking, when you're in love and you're fucking and you're having a good time, you're not thinking about this shit. I see people have thrown their lives away, Thrown their lives away. Focused on something that it's not going to work, whether it's a sports team, like. I had a dear friend of mine that complains about money. A couple weeks ago, I called him up and I said, I have a show. Swing by, pick up an envelope. I got a game to watch. Really? Somebody else. I offered them a gig one night, and they told me it was their birthday. I can't call you no more.

[B]

I'd love to do a show on my birthday.

[A]

Can't call you no more because these are the same people that bitch, that bitch, that bitch. Right? Now, if I'm at least half these people on the Internet, I wouldn't be on the Internet. I'd be fucking working three. I know a girl that works three fucking jobs. I love this girl. She works three jobs. Ask her about Bad Bully. Ask her about Epstein. Three jobs to better herself, to open up a fucking gym. She's putting away money. She works 92 hours a fucking week, okay? And, you know, ask her. She has a goal. I'm thinking of fucking just giving her money. Because that's what you do when you want something. That's want. That's want everything else. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. That's want. My buddy who fucking lost $30,000 on the super bowl one year, he left his house at five in the morning and he got home at midnight every day for a year, and he paid off that fucking debt. That's life. Ask him about Bad Bunny or what was going on. All he was doing was smoking pot, lifting weights and working. He got out of that debt, and on top of that, he ended up buying a $30,000 car. Twenty fucking years ago, out of that debt. Don't tell me, don't tell me. Don't even try to tell me. Don't even fucking go there. Because you're focused on bullshit. You're focused on bullshit, okay? When I did comedy, I didn't know what you were saying. I lost girlfriends because you do too much comedy. My family comes, you don't want to meet them. I didn't come here to meet your family. Once you cross that panda to either one of those markets, New York or la. I don't know what you're talking about. Especially if I moved here. Especially if I moved here. I came here for one thing. One thing and one thing only. To be a star. To try to get myself out of a fucking being a loser. Fucking North Bergen thief. All my life, that's all I fucking knew. That's all I knew. I didn't know about anything else. I didn't know about concerts. I didn't know about what the Mets did. I don't know what the LA Rams did. I didn't give a fuck. And some people, just some human eye goes, you didn't have a life. I didn't want a life because not having things is no life.

[B]

What do you mean by that?

[A]

Not having things is no life. Not having the simple things is no life. But you want to go to fucking Wingstop, you know, whatever the fuck they go to some, you know, right? What's harder? What would you rather think about? Mind fucks all day? Or at least when your roof collapses, you have the money and your fucking family doesn't have to go into ruins for six months because your ruins collecting. But this guy too, the roof collapsed, but he was at a who concert three weeks ago and he bought tickets for a fucking hall of fame thing. You have a wife and a kid. It's over. It's over. Let it go. Let it go already. I could give a fuck about a concert, especially once I look at that price tag. I got a chance of making 200 at the dojo or spending 800 to hold hand. Look at this great show. Think about it. Two people. I called that from the dojo gigs. One person told me it was her birthday. The other guy told me there was a game on tonight. My favorite team is playing. He's my age. If you got a favorite team at 40, just kill yourself. If you're still wearing little hats and shirts right there, just go down to fucking Egg Water and you could jump right off that thing with your met hat or your knick shirt on. Or your giant hat on, or your Yankee hat. Whatever fucking, you know, mind fuck you've been wasting, you know. You ever read that book? That's my favorite book, and I read it every year. And as I'm reading it, I'm thinking about how much of a loser I am every year and how I got the Art of War. The War of Art. Not the Sun Tzu one, but the other one.

[B]

Steven Pressfield or something.

[A]

David Pressfield. Let's talk procrastinate. It's all procrastination. I'll do that later. There ain't no later. There ain't no later. They know later.

[B]

It feels like there is.

[A]

There ain't. Because now I'm 62 and it went fast. It went fast. I'm happy I didn't say later. I'm very happy. A lot of things I didn't say later.

[B]

You're not sad you didn't go to Comic Con and dress up. They were all around. Every time I see him, I'm just like, I wish I could get Joey. Like, I need to get those glasses.

[A]

If I ever go to Comic Con, it's to do this country a favor. And it's to get an M40 and shoot them all as they come out of there to press a point. Because that's. The people need to be shot as they come out of Comic Con with the suits on. And we went and got an autograph from my. My Favorite Martian or something like that.

[B]

But even my favorite. Like, they were walking around the city in the outfits.

[A]

And that's to tell you how weak New York City is. Weak. Weak. Why?

[B]

What happened in the 80s?

[A]

I wish five Puerto Rican kids would just beat the fuck out of them and took their uniform and pissed on it. And that's the end of the uniforms.

[B]

It's pretty hard to justify.

[A]

And that's. Those are the kids that go first. They're the first ones that are gonna get shot in the ass and fucked in the ass. Comic Con. We didn't go to Comic Con. We went to get our dick sucked and to eat Quaaludes. That was our Comic Con, okay? That was our Comic Con. And I'm very proud of that. I am very fucking proud of that. It's like for the last five fucking months, every month, we have a weed sponsor on here, right? Like some fucking weed sponsor, okay? And it's always that Delta 9 and all that other creepy shit, you know? And I don't want them no more. I'll tell you why. Because I don't Want the clientele that's not doing the drugs that we do here. If you're not doing coke and heroin and fucking reefer, if you're doing like Delta 9s and smoking a vapor, go to somebody else's podcast. I don't want you in my fucking energy anymore.

[B]

What would the ad read? Ad read?

[A]

Beef.

[B]

Like cocaine. Like if you had to do an ad for cocaine.

[A]

Like if we lived in Vancouver. Listen, you're sitting there with a finger up your ass. It's time to get out, blow your money, tell your mother she sucks, give her the fuck and tell her you want your early inheritance and start going to orgies. Okay? Do something I didn't do. That's what I wish I would have done, gone to more orgies. I never went to an orgy. I never saw 18 people getting fucked at the same time. I never saw anything like that. That's the only thing I regret doing. But everything else, like. Do you regret. No, not really. I did everything I wanted to do earlier. I went to the concerts I wanted to see. I saw concerts that will live in history forever. I don't need to go to these fucking concerts now to see these 80 year olds dancing and wiggling and David Lee Roth with a pickle in his pocket like he still got a dick with leather pants on at 72. Come on, man, let it go. With the blue hair and the. At one point. Just be yourself, but don't.

[B]

If you're going to an orgy, don't you have to like participate? Are you going to be like, no.

[A]

I'm going to participate to get hiv. I'm going to get the whole, the whole panel. What's that thing that these retarded kids are on the spectrum. I want to be on a disease spectrum. Hiv, Covid and herpes all mixed in one. You got a sore on your lip, a sore throat. It's fucking tremendous. I want them all. I want them all. You know? I'm saying.

[B]

That does sound like fun.

[A]

It does. It's fun. It's fun. I saw a guy hungover on TV and I forgot how much fun it was. When you're puking and you got a headache and you're popping aspirins.

[B]

You like that.

[A]

I. I haven't had one in 20 fucking years. But I wish I could have one. I wish I could just go do coke one night like I'm 62. What's gonna happen now? Nothing. I'm gonna die. I can't breathe as it is. I can't breathe as it is any day now.

[B]

Stuff up your nose now.

[A]

Any day I'm gonna check into the hospital. Any fucking day now. Could be tomorrow morning. I'm going to check and I can't breathe. When you feel this way. You're like, fuck it. Bust out the cigarettes, bust out the cocaine, bust out the syringes. I don't have much time left. And that's where God is unfair. Because he doesn't say, hey, now you got five years left. Now I'm really going to charge you. Because if God ever came down to me in a bush and said, you got five years left, you're dying on your birthday when you're 68. Watch my smoke. Watch my smoke, okay? Watch my smoke at 58, I'll go to the bank and take every penny I got out of there. You understand me? Iras. I don't give a fuck about retiring. I never thought about retiring anyway, Terry. I will break that fucking ira. Go to the city, get myself one of those hotels where Tony Soprano went, the good ones. For as long as the money lasts. Like.

[B]

Just call me when it runs out.

[A]

Call me when it runs out. There's like 32 grand there at 3,000 a night. I think I'm here for two weeks. But I'm not gonna make it anyway, okay? My goal is to die in your fucking hotel. I want to do coke. I want that thing when they put the basters up your ass. When they take ecstasy and heroin and mix it, they melt it and they bend over and you put it up your ass with a turkey baster and you get high for days. I'm doing it. Or I'm going to one of Eric's gay parties. I'm gonna let a gay guy suck my dick with ice cubes in his mouth.

[B]

Well, what if it's so good you don't want to die now? Like, what if he finds you?

[A]

If he plays a trick on me, then I'm gonna be pissed. What trick?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I think everybody in this life would like to know when God is giving you three years left. Oh, that'd be great for you to make up your mind how you're gonna go. If you wanna go surrounded by family and people playing violins and shit. He was a good man. He had a good heart. Or if you want to go fucking with some fat black chick sitting on your face with a midget chick sucking your dick. Some guy putting hot air into your asshole with a hot air balloon. Anything different, I'm going to do. Okay, If I know I got three Years left.

[B]

But do you think you still have three years left?

[A]

I think I got three years left right now.

[B]

No, I know that, but that's.

[A]

I just want to make it official. I don't want to go off the chain in front of my daughter if I'm not gonna make it official.

[B]

That would be pretty fun. That'd be a fun way to go.

[A]

That's the way to go. That's the way. Listen, think about how you're supposed to live your life. Think if everything worked out the way it's supposed to and you put away, like, 800 grand and you were 60, you had no kids, no grandchildren, no wife, what would you want to do with that 800 grand? You leave it to your retarded nephew. No, that's a fucking idiot. Anyway, he's never going to do none. What would you do if I told you with dying of cancer and you had a year left and you have 800,000? A bank account. Who. And you don't give a fuck, and all your credit cards are clean? That means you could use them all and tell them all to suck your dick because they can't tag them on to somebody once you're dead. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're going to burn through that 800 grand.

[B]

Well, if you have kids, so you have to have nobody.

[A]

Yeah, nobody. What were you. How do you want to die in a boat?

[B]

Oh, Bo would be fun.

[A]

Fuck that. You want to die in a plane crash while you're doing coke with the pilot and you're getting fucked in the front and the pilots got his back turned to the fucking skies. And she's a chick, and she's jumping up on top of you, and you're like, the plane's gonna hit a building. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? We're Gonna hit the 911 building. Hit it again.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Think about all the things you'd do differently if you knew you had an expiration date. And how we live so fucking careful as pussies, and that includes me. I'm the biggest fucking pussy in the world. I'm the biggest pussy in the world because I got scared, you know? I don't think I'll do coke again because I made a promise. But I wouldn't mind doing a line of heroin.

[B]

Heroin does like. That's the one I think I'd like. Well, Molly, I want to try, but. Molly, I want to try not dying again.

[A]

What? Why play with the little drugs when you get the.

[B]

I don't think Molly's a little drug.

[A]

Molly's a little drug can play with. H. That's God's love. That's God's love. You know what I'm saying? When.

[B]

Yeah, but if I want to do.

[A]

That H. And you're sitting there like, I saw a movie of a guy getting shot and two arms by heroin, and he was getting his dick sucked in the Village. Luis Pinero, what's his name, Fucking the guy that wrote Cuba and His Teddy Bear. There's a movie about him, and there's a scene where he's got a syringe in each arm and some chick is sucking his dick. And I'm like, man, that's the way to go. Like Jesus. Like that. Like getting your dick sucked, two syringes in your arms and a blowjob. That's what Jesus should have done. That's how I would have fucking gotten out of this motherfucker.

[B]

A blowjob really does fix almost anything.

[A]

No, it makes everything a lot better. Yeah, you think about it, but not even. Listen, we're being. You know, I'm getting silly here now, but it's. Man, we don't live. You know, we live so cautiously, and I'm the number one guy because I had a daughter that I live a little cautiously because that's the only thing that saved me the last couple years. Because now in my mind, even if I did time, how much time am I gonna really do? So if I'm gonna blast you, I'm gonna fucking blast you now. It's not gonna be a punch to the head. I'm gonna hit you with a table. And hopefully you're going to need psychological help in the past, squeezing the ball or something like that. Because when I go, I want to go.

[B]

I do. Do you have that? I've had, like, if everything goes to shit, I'm going to kill, like three people.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

Oh, love it. On the way out, just to go, come here. Remember this by. Yeah. Remember that time you fucking got cute? This is what you get now. But it's just so weird how if there was ever a time, like, they're saying, like, I was watching 60 Minutes last night. Anybody watched 60 Minutes last night? No, about that. A plane in new something. Boston got hacked. The little water department got hacked by the Chinese. Damn. And now the Chinese is going to start hacking little things to get to the big thing. And you're saying to yourself, and every day we're dealing with Chinese people, you know, whatever. But you're dealing with. You have to say to yourself, this is the time to invade us. Like, they're taking over our country with farmland. They're starting to buy a lot of farmland. Some of it is to grow. Fucking. They have us confused that they were bringing slaves over here and growing weed. Did you see. Did you hear that?

[B]

I heard about that.

[A]

Did you hear up in Boston and then.

[B]

Well, yeah, in Maine. And Maine, they have a bunch of shit. And then. Am I wrong? Did I hear that that Carter or whatever, whoever gave us that plane is opening an air force base? Or is that like a fake? Yeah, is that real? I don't know how the fuck, dude. And then we were talking about stuff that doesn't matter. I haven't finished it yet. But have you seen that documentary on hbo, Max, about the Alabama prisons? No, that is crazy. They just let guards kill people in there. And they, like. There's stuff that does matter that people don't want to talk about.

[A]

No, no. But they rather talk about Bad Bunny, right? And how he's going to ruin this and ruin that. It's just. I've been watching this for years. Listen, I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you guys. I have a ged. I have no fucking family. Education is whatever. Whatever I've learned on the street. I got a master's degree. But as far as what people talk about, I don't know anything. I really don't know anything, guys. It was all a joke till I did something with my life. And it wasn't. Do you know what I'm saying? So when I talk to people now and they're stale or I feel bad for them because even I managed to do a little something, whether it doesn't matter to the world. I'm not talking about jokes or being funny. I did something else beside be a criminal. Beside rob people. I wanted to do something else that was cool for a while. It's really cool to rob people, have a good time and take their drugs. But then you. You know, and that was cool for a while, but then. But ever since I started getting. And I can't say success, because there's no success since I started becoming a better, a productive member of society. What's a productive member of society? I pay my taxes. I don't give cops a hard time. I pick up litter. And you try to be as nice as you can to people. That's it. That's the bottom line of productive member of society. And I think I've done that. I think I've achieved that, if not anything else. Okay? Which Gives you. In this country, who got that means I don't deserve nothing because you're supposed to go that and above. We're supposed to serve our country. We're supposed to do something. I did none of those fucking things, okay? But for me to be able to get up in the morning and dictate my day is bad for everybody else. Because if I could do it. What the fuck were you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? Not you, Lee.

[B]

No, I know. I know you're not yelling.

[A]

You understand how I look at things. Like what the fuck were you thinking? What were you thinking about?

[B]

I'm not sure if this is what you're taught, but to me, I think there's a lot of. I think it's the trap of, of the. The day job. I think a lot of people don't, like you said, dictate your day. Most people I. 90% of people in this country have no. 80% of their time is spoken for. Between work from 8 or 9 to 5, they have kids, activities. And then maybe Saturday you have to do errands. So maybe Sunday you get to watch like most people in this world.

[A]

Can you fucking imagine? Like, I had a life that I worked Monday through Friday, Saturday I watched my daughter and Sunday went to the in laws house. That was my life before comedy. Great life, if that's what you want to do, right? But now you want to do comedy. You feel in your bones. When you wake up at eight in the morning and they hit you with a problem, what's the first thing you say? It's okay, because in a month I'm not going to be doing this no more. In three months, I'm not going to be doing this no more. So even while you had a day job, you were still thinking about your future. I admire that girl very much that I was talking to you about. She's maybe 26, she cuts hair, she personal trains and then she teaches Pilates after she cuts hair at night because she wants to open up her own gym and Pilates, thing like that. But even at 26, she made a constant decision that this is what I want to do. I could never do that. I was not that together at 26. I was just getting out of prison for some stupid shit. But even that. But in the back of your mind you're digging a trench, but you're saying, you know what? I'm gonna take this money and open up a taco place. I'm gonna start with a cart and then move into a little room. And then from there, open up a restaurant. People not doing that no more. People are stuck on a day job. I get that. But again, the word is stuck. How long does it take you to realize that you're stuck? And once you realize that, how long does it take you to go, I gotta do something about this. This is not what I signed up for. When you look at the big picture of life, I'm not talking about me growing up in North Bergen and oh, well, you made it. If you're at the nwa, whatever the MUA or whatever the fuck, you know, like you got a pension and, you know, you got three weeks vacation and that's what they sold you. They never sold me what was across that fucking river. Nobody did. Nobody ever sold me that fucking. That was a world class for what I wanted. I wanted to be in entertainment. I thought I did at that age. I just didn't know what would have pushed me. Who knew? Nobody told you follow. So we get caught up in our own little direction. Like, let's say you grew up where Terry grew up. You ever go where Terry lived? You ever go with Terry Grill? Yeah, two hours out of Nashville. It's farms. Guess what? Nobody gets out of there. Nobody gets out of there. What happened was they. When America started shitting on America and selling all their fucking. Gave everything to fucking, you know, the Indians to do that area really fell down. Like Buffalo, like Cleveland, like Cincinnati, like that. That was the. That was the fucking American, you know, Pittsburgh, steel industry. Yeah, yeah, you know, Industry. But then they took all that. So to be stuck in those towns right now is harder than it was when there was that industry because at least you had something. You didn't have a lot of education, your parents didn't come from much, but you're making $22 an hour in this fucking industry. That's.

[B]

You could support a family.

[A]

Yeah, you could support a fucking family. But if you get stuck there now, I give. You know, Terry got out of there and went to Memphis, which is no fucking. And then from Memphis you went to la, you know, and you look at people's progressions and I was progressing, but I was being a. I was just going from one place to another to be a loser there. You know what I'm saying? You're traveling. Why be a loser in North Bergen when I could be a loser in San Francisco for a few months and get chased by the cops there? Oh, I ran out of time there. Let me go to Seattle and be a loser now. You know, some people go to places with commitment with something. I had nothing. I was just going there because the cops were looking for me here. The other day, I bought sneakers at a Foot Locker.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I went to the Menlo Park Mall. There was nothing to do. I was sore. I had already worked out. And I go, you know what? I want to go to Menlo Parking Mall and see what they got. And I went to the Menlo Parking Mall, and I bought sneakers at Foot Locker. And I started talking to the black girl. She was cool as shit. And she's like, how long? You know? She's like, I can't believe you're a comedian and shit. You've been in movies. I go, but I worked a Footlocker for six months. And she goes, what are you talking about? I could never see you working at Foot Locker. I worked at Footlocker until I robbed the place.

[B]

I was gonna say Doug.

[A]

And I told her the story. I go, I had this job. I couldn't find a job in Boulder. And I got these credit cards, and I was using them. And one day I applied at Foot Locker. And. And after I used the $20,000 in credit cards, Footlock actually called me one day. And they go, do you want a job? And I'm like, yeah. We started part time. After, like, the first week. I sold, like, $10,000 of sneakers. They go, we'll keep you part time, and you're going, commission.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

And then I fucking loved it. I was just going into the cell. The other guys got high. There was a black guy. There was a white guy named Rich. I always loved Rich. He was my dog. And I was in there three months, four months. And finally one day, some Chinese lady comes in with a bunch of kids, like eight kids. And she leaves her bank withdrawal envelope sticking out of the purse. And I look at it, and the kids are trying on sneakers. She's at the other place, and I just go, fuck it. And I take the envelope and put it in my pocket. She bought, like, $2,000 of sneakers for these eight fucking Chinese kids. And all of a sudden, she can't find the money. I hid the money in a shoebox in the back. Cause I knew this was gonna get ugly. So this bitch left and came back with, like, 10 cops. And they cornered us all, and they asked us questions. Everybody said the same thing. The store was fucking packed. If she came in here with an envelope, it must have fell out or somebody took it. She kept saying it was one of the staff members. And we're like, no, we weren't. But I took that Motherfucker. Well, I'm talking.

[B]

I just have this image of you in the. In the referee.

[A]

Oh, I had the referee suit with the fucking whistle. You know me, I'm a half a fruitcake. And fucking. While I'm talking to the cops, this one cop is looking at me, keeps looking at me. I'm like, why is this motherfucker looking at me? And after they all left, this guy came back and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, somebody's been using a credit card in this mall, and you fit the description. I don't know what you're talking about. I work at Footlocker. I don't even have a fucking credit card. And the guy's like, nah, we're working on the sizes now. If you know anything about this. Do you want to talk about it? And I go, I don't know nothing. I work at a fucking Footlocker part time. That's all I know. And the guy kept bugging me and bugging me. You. I'm sure that you. Okay. Next day, I went back in. This motherfucker came up again, this time with a detective, and he's like, we want you to tell us they had no cameras back then, right? That's the only thing that saved me. They had no cameras. So they were like, you fit the description. Do you want to go to a lineup? And I go, am I arrested? No, I'm not going. I'm not going to fucking voluntary lineup. Go fuck yourself. I know my fucking rules, okay? That was.

[B]

Why would you say yes to that?

[A]

Yeah. And then the guy came back the next day again. He's like, we want to talk to you. We're working on the sizes. You bought a lot of clothes. Whoever used this card bought a lot of clothes. I had suits. I had fucking pants.

[B]

You were wearing the pants.

[A]

Oh, I looked like a fucking model. I was buying so much, dawg. That credit card would never cancel. I would throw it away and then need something and go back two weeks later, take it out of the weeds and use it again. I'm like, oh, my God, they still haven't canceled this thing. I was buying TVs, Scarface tapes.

[B]

And you kept all of it for yourself?

[A]

In my house, in a little room, like a fucking Puerto Rican. I had everything in that room. Everybody else was living with one tv. I had a TV in there, stereo, fucking everything. And then that motherfucker came to my house one night and he goes, hey, man, we're gonna get a warrant and search your house. And all this, but you can make this easier on you coming with us. I'm like, I don't know. How many times I gotta tell you? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but now you're starting to get on my nerves. Get the fuck off my balcony. And he got off his balcony. I knew the next day it was gonna be heat. I ran downstairs and told my girlfriend, the cops are coming. I'm going to San Francisco. She goes, I'm coming with you.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

I go to San Francisco.

[B]

Why would he give you the heads up?

[A]

Cuz he's an idiot. He thought I was gonna fuck and he was an idiot. But here's where it gets better. I leave for six months, and then I leave for a year and I come back and I'm driving one day, I'm Boulder. And I didn't know that. You know those school signs that say you have to with the lights on 20 miles? I didn't see it. And I got pulled over by a cop. And he gave me a ticket. And I had a warrant for like, some ticket. And they took me in and the guy found weed on my sock. And it was great. We had a conversation. As I'm walking out, I saw the other cop and he looked at me again and he didn't say nothing, right? So fucking maybe, I don't know. Six months later, I get in trouble for kidnapping that dude. And he's the head detective now. He got promoted to a detective, but he never remembered. That idiot never fucking remembered. I was sitting in court with him going, when is this guy gonna turn around and go, this is the guy that was wanted for credit cards in 1985. But he never. And every time I'd see him, he'd go, you look familiar. No, I don't.

[B]

You're like his great white whale.

[A]

He fucking hated me because there was two cops that I turned myself into. One of them I got along with, and then in time, I got along with the other guy. The other guy. The other guy hated me so much, he even showed up at my disposition for my divorce.

[B]

For your wife or ex wife?

[A]

For my wife. When she came with her husband, she showed up over there to say I was a creep and shit. And I just laid into him. I'm like, yeah, honor. This guy couldn't arrest me if he wanted to, you know? Like, I don't know. Because even the judge asked him, what are you doing here? And then the judge. The judge was my sentencing judge. He was now in civil Court. So when he came in and then my wife started talking shit, the judge is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Three years ago, you were in here singing his praises, right? That he sang your songs at dinner and shit. Now you're coming in here so saying he's an animal. It ain't gonna work. And you, Mr. Police Officer, you can take your fucking rhetoric out of here. And he fucking was furious. So when we left in the court hall, in the courtroom, I started saying shit to my wife. That's when I finally beat her. That the judge said to you, I'll give you. Every time she doesn't give you the kid, she gets $1,000 contempt in court. And she started crying. So when I walked out of there, I started going off on her. How does it feel now, motherfucker? Doesn't feel too good. You fucking bitch. And. And the boyfriend kept turning around. I'm going, tell him. Tell him how I used to put carrots in your ass and how you liked it, dog. It was prime North Bergen. You don't want to piss us off at all. Cause our mouth goes somewhere, you've never seen it. She was crying. I'm like, tell him. Tell him I fuck you in the ass with carrots. And even the cop turned around. He's like, don't talk to her that way. Fuck you, too. You got no jurisdiction here. Shut the fuck up. You're in a parking lot, motherfucker. And I kept yelling at her, how those carrots you. It got to the point where he walked away from her. I was saying so much shit that her husband was walking away from her. Like, I don't know about these carrots.

[B]

You know? Every time they see a carrot now.

[A]

And then, as we were getting close to the car, I go, she don't like big carrots. She likes the medium ones, John. And cut the tip off so you could put them in her ass easier. He was hot. She was crying, and she was like, press charges. And the cops. Like, there's nothing I could do. And I'm like, that's right. How you like me now, motherfuckers? I got Bella. What was that judge name? Bellaponte. Judge Bella Pony. There you go.

[B]

God bless him.

[A]

God. Fuck. He's dead and buried now. All right, motherfucker. That's my boy. Judge Bellaponte, do you think.

[B]

Because I was thinking about when you were talking about, like, being stuck somewhere, like, the fact that you could have been stuck as a criminal, but, like, do you think the fact that, like, you went through, like, failure and hardship like, you're able to bounce back more than like, someone who maybe had it. Like things were going well, but then the first time they hit failure, it's too much for them and they stop. Like, do you think because you went through all that, like, you were more used to it or like you're able to deal with it better?

[A]

With the failure?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I got into comedy, I knew one thing, and this is when I, you know, I'd done so many things at my age and I was a loser. All except stealing. And I could sell a little bit. I could sell cards, maybe I could sell on the phone. That's all I had going for myself. But I remembered making myself a promise when I got into stand up comedy. I don't know if it was a promise or something, that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it the right way. I wasn't going to rush. I made that perfectly clear, that I had nothing but time, that I was a loser. I had no money, I had no car. I had no family. I had no apartment, I had no real estate. I had no bank account. I had a pager and whatever was in my pocket. But I said to myself, when I do this, I'm going to do this the right way. You know, many times I pulled up to the Comedy Store and there was 10 cases of Jack Daniels. What? The liquor store would just drop off. And you know how much those cases are a lot never robbed them. That's something that I would have done if I didn't make that decision, if I was gonna do this correctly, I couldn't start doing comedy. And for them saying, last time Joey was here, there was $200 missing. Last time Joey was here, the jewelry got robbed. Last time Joey was here, the cash register got robbed. I couldn't start that again. That was already my MO for years. I wasn't gonna let that roll into comedy. If I wasn't good at comedy, that was one thing. Then I'm not good at comedy. Then I'm not good at comedy. But I wasn't gonna let something that I found out years later and the expression was, I'm not gonna let my character, my shit character ruin my destiny. So even though I'm a fucking degenerate junkie, I'm not gonna let it get in the way of that. I'm gonna shoot my. Whatever the fuck I shoot when I have nothing to do with that. And I'm lying to you there because at times the coke did cross in my comedy career. But not to the amount you would have thought it. Like I would have thought the only time ever that it really got in my career was right before I quit. A year before I quit the improvs gave me a shot. One night I got into an argument with the guy that runs the improvs and the improv, he goes, you want a shot, motherfucker? We'll give you a shot. So they gave me two headline nights in Ontario.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

With the fucking. With the now. Ontario's an hour 10 from where we lived in Hollywood. They gave me those two dates with the fucking thing that I was not gonna have a problem and I was gonna do radio in the morning. Well, I drove all the way to fucking Ox. Whatever, Ontario. I check into the hotel, but they never give you a room. They even gave me a fucking room. We don't want no problems, just do the radio. Okay? I'm in my room, it's 11 o' clock. And I'm like, I gotta get some powder in me. I drove right back to Hollywood. Oh no. I drove an hour 10 to Hollywood, an hour 10 back. That put me back at one in the morning and I got an eight ball. I started doing coke till six in the morning and fucking I missed radio. And I sold like 20 tickets that night. And then they didn't want me to do radio Thursday. They were like, fuck it, you already blew the weekend. So. Wow. So I was in the shit list, man, and all. And that, that's the shit I was doing at the end. But it wasn't like I was canceling shows because I was coked up. None of that stuff.

[B]

Did it take you a while to get back in with the improvs?

[A]

Yeah, it took me a couple years after that. That had to be 2006. And I probably didn't work on improv till like 2010.

[B]

Damn. And that's like the big for everyone. That's like the a. That's like McDonald's or who, whatever.

[A]

And by the time there's four clubs that you, you know, that's eight weeks. That's eight weeks of work.

[B]

Just in California.

[A]

Just in California, you know, nevermind, Houston, all the other shit. But yeah, it took them like three or four years for me to get back in their graces.

[B]

But the old you would have had the crime, the coke, all of it mixed together. At least you, at least you think, all of it.

[A]

You never knew what's gonna happen when he has a gig. I get into a fist fight, somebody get hit, a case of booze gets robbed. It was One of those things. And you know how old that gets with people. That's cute. For a little while. For a little while. You're like, fucking Joe. He's a nut. Fucking guy robbed a case of beer, did this. You know, Eric Rocha called me before. He was telling me a story. He goes, I don't know if you remember this. Remember the time in Oxnard, you worked all weekend, and the guy told you on Saturday night he was bringing you. He was mailing you a check? I don't remember that story. And I told the guy, you're not mailing. You're gonna give it to me tonight. Guys. I go, I don't care. I did my job. Go do yours. Figure it the fuck out. I got pissed. I was like, you better have my money. So I don't know what you got to do, going out of the room and call whoever you got to call. I'm not leaving here till I have my money. I called my agent. I'm like, I'm not leaving here. And they're like, joey, they don't do it that way. I'm telling you how I fucking do it it. I don't give a fuck how they do it. This is not. This is not unacceptable. This is unacceptable. I do a job for you 13,000. And really, this is unacceptable.

[B]

And. But back. How would have older. Like, would you have taken it in the coke crime days? Like, would you have just dealt with.

[A]

I would have thrown him through a fucking wall. Like, how do you think I became friends with Gabriel and those guys? You heard what Gabriel, those guys said about me when I taped it. I almost drew that manager through a wall on St. Patty's Day. No, Valentine's Day. Because he called me because I got $500 for you. And I went up there with my wife to eat. She was my girlfriend at the time, so I could take her out. And this motherfucker's got. I got a check for you. I go, no, you don't. It was like fucking. When Chaz told him, now you can't leave. No, you don't have a check for me. You have cash for me. And the guy's like, I don't know what to tell you. I know what I'm gonna tell you. Go get that fucking cash. Cause I got coke on my mind, okay? And I'm not leaving here without my fucking cash or you're gonna pay for the coke. And people look at me and go, what the fuck? Yeah, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't. And I Used to. And I loved one person's reaction to my life, and that was Rogan. Cause I would say shit in front of Rogan, and Rogan would just shake his head. Motherfucker. I would go off in front of him.

[B]

To who?

[A]

To the managers, anybody. When you were opening for him. Oh, yeah. And Ari would have to pay me. I want my money tonight.

[B]

Ari didn't pay you?

[A]

Yes, he did. Yes, he did.

[B]

Another opener. Paid you, and he was just as poor as you were.

[A]

No, he had tons of money.

[B]

Oh, was there commercials then?

[A]

Commercials and shit?

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Kia commercials. And I'm like, somebody got to pay me. That's 750. It's a Saturday night. 750 is little to. To you. It's a lot to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I need this money tonight, so.

[B]

And now. Now I would love to see them try to pay you with, like, Venmo or all that stuff, like, I constantly get. You know what was one of my favorites the other. A couple weeks ago, they did a. Like a bucket they were passing around. The guy came and gave me five singles. Why even. Why even? I don't want this now. Like, he folded it up. Five singles.

[A]

Speaking of a bucket, I did one of those shows once. I've done a couple, and I wasn't going to take the cut. I just put my hand in the bucket and the guy goes, you left without getting paid. I know. I'll catch you next time. He didn't know I'd taken 250 out of the bucket. The fuck out of here. And the way for your bucket.

[B]

Oh, that's. That's so. I hate that. The bucket I did. I did one in San Francisco that, like, they make you wait at the end of the show and, like, it's like, your pain. It's like you're the Santa at Christmas.

[A]

I'm doing that. Oh, there was a guy in San Diego, that idiot that's on the. He thinks he's a big producer now. He used to run a show in San Diego. This is how crazy people get. He used to run a show in San Diego where people, old people get busted, and they would all live on donations and shit. And he would always bother me, how do I get into the Comedy Store? And then something happened. He got on a show about selling houses, and he thought he was fucking, you know? And one day he called me. He's like, I really want you to be my show. Can you come to an audition? And I'm like, sean, are you fucking retarded? Do you give me that or you don't.

[B]

An audition for a comedy show.

[A]

Like a fucking real estate show. One of those shows where they flip houses.

[B]

I would love to see you flipping a house.

[A]

No, I'm not flipping a house. I'll steal the house. I'll rob the house. I ain't flipping no fucking house.

[B]

Oh, you could do a show about like squatters. You could go, like, set someone up for squatting at that time.

[A]

I don't know anything about that. If I do a show, it's about getting my dick sucked or rolling joints. That's the only show I'm doing. Or cutting lines or how to make free bass. I don't want to do nothing no more, okay? Nothing.

[B]

How to make freebies.

[A]

People don't even call me no more. I got auditions. I don't even get callbacks. And guess what? I don't even give a fuck. Like, it's like, it's who I am now. I'm sick. What do I expect? The only thing I could depend on right now is us going and doing stand up comedy. I love it again. I fucking love it.

[B]

It's awesome.

[A]

I love getting into. I love getting a bit.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Once you get a bit and you can build on that bit and take your time, standup becomes a fucking paradise. I got a ton of shit lined up for next year. Even fucking Netflix.

[B]

Nice, dude. And how long did it take? Cause at the beginning, I don't think you ever hated it, but you didn't love it. I don't think.

[A]

After the pandemic it was tough to love anything, you know, I was burnt out late. I was fucking burnt out, man. And I didn't know it. Sometimes you don't even know what level you are. And I'm burnt out today still about some shit. Like, he just burnt out. I can't take chit chatting. My agent called me. All right, Netflix. All right, so what do you want to do about a second show? Let's just book the first show. But they're gonna get the first fucking show. End the story. I don't wanna hear it. I don't have time for this shit. I'm gonna die any day. I'm 62. I don't have time to go back and forth. Just fucking get the date, get the fucking deal. And then we'll worry about the second show. We're gonna hold them off like there ain't no second show. And then it sells. Then we pop the second show. So we take them off their fucking thing. But in our World, there's no second show, right? You follow me? It's a fucking process. It's a fucking mental game for them. If we drop our pants right off the bat, then we got nothing. Why drop your pants? Play with them a little bit. You got one show, right? We'll take it from there. Get the numbers right on that one show and then there's a second show. But if the numbers ain't right, what are we talking about here? It's like when people call you up, so what are we gonna do in December when we go to Florida? I don't know. I don't really fucking know. I'll tell you. December 10th, when we leave, I'll tell you. But for us to sit here for an hour and discuss. What if you break your leg now? We're not going to Florida now. We just wasted two hours on what we were gonna do. Who gives a fuck? Go get your dick sucked. That's all you need to go, go do on stage. That's the two hours you had talking to me about nothing, right? Nothing. People call you like, so what are we going to do? I don't know. It's a week away. And right now tomorrow is all we got. I don't know nothing about Thursday, nor do I want to know about anything.

[B]

Most people can't live their life like that. That is one of the nice parts about doing your own thing and doing.

[A]

Keep it simple.

[B]

It's easier said than done.

[A]

Keep it simple.

[B]

But how do you keep things simple?

[A]

By taking the noise out? That doesn't matter. And sometimes you have to do this. You ready, People at home. And it's a shitty way to think, but it works for the Jews.

[B]

Can't wait where this is.

[A]

And it's like. And this. Exactly.

[B]

No bacon.

[A]

And you have to think this in your head all the time. This is what goes in your head all the time. All the fucking time. All the time. All the time. Ready? How is this putting money in my pocket? How is this conversation putting money in my pocket? How am I profiting from this? How is this making me better? That's the thing that's going on. When somebody's telling me about something I don't need to hear. That's what's in my head. How is this making you better? How is this going to work out for you? How? This conversation you're having, where is it going?

[B]

Nowhere.

[A]

It's like that guy that calls you every week. Okay, I got it together now, man. After the third week, you're like, I don't want to hear it. You couldn't get it together if I gave it to you. You couldn't get it together if I gave it to you. You know? And that's. That's the state of mind. How am I making fucking dough right now? How is this going to my fucking. How is this building on me? I'm at an age where I need a house, I need a car, I need clothes. What you're telling me doesn't do any of that shit. Doesn't do any of that shit. Nothing. And once you level it to that extreme, and it's a horrible way to live, but it'll get you to where you need to go quicker than your fucking stupid system. Because just. I'm not talking about you or anybody here. I'm talking about your stupid system. Doesn't work. You want it to work. This is the drive. When you wake up in the morning, how does this affect what my mission is?

[B]

Right? It's like, what would Jesus do?

[A]

But yeah, how does this affect my mission today? It doesn't. And talking about it doesn't. Doesn't. The only thing that talks about is how I'm going to make it happen today. When you wake. Listen, there was a time, and how I know this, when you're addicted to drugs, when you're addicted, George, when you had your little problem there for years, when you wake up and when you woke up in those mornings, what did you think about? How I'm going to get high, exactly? Did you think about pussy? Did you think about your mother or your grandmother? Did you think about how you're going to eat? And that's the school I came from, the addicted mind. So when you're addicted, why do we act like that? Don't you think we're addicted to success? But we don't think like that. We don't think like that. We don't wake up in the morning, put our feet down and go, God, thank you for giving me a day. Who do I got to stab in the fucking eyeball to get to where I need to be in my life today? And that's a little, you know, that's a little over exaggerated. Over exaggerated? What do I need to do today? Not tomorrow, not in the month. Today. That's gonna profit me mentally, physically, spiritually. I don't care about Bad Bunny. I really don't care about the Epstein list. You know, people got mad at me when I talked about vacations. Another thing, everybody thinks they deserve a vacation. No, you don't deserve ugats. You Deserve nothing In this life, we earn everything. You don't deserve dick I don't want to hear about. Oh, I'm stressed out. You want to know stress? Stress. Are those fucking. Don't even get me started. You know what I'm about to say? That's stress. You fucking. What we make in our lives for stress and the excuses we give ourselves are bullshit.

[B]

But that word deserve is like. Yeah.

[A]

Because.

[B]

No one deserves anything.

[A]

Nothing. Nothing. The bluebird of happiness is not going to knock on your door and give you what you want. Very seldom does that. I was watching the show, that stupid show with the guy from Mad Men. He's got a really good show on Apple.

[B]

Oh, the.

[A]

When he's a thief, he's a thief. And there's a breakdown in that. The woman breaks her life down in that. And it's very interesting to a woman's perspective. She goes, I had to let that guy lay on top of me every night for 10 years and do what he wanted with me. I deserved something when he died. You know, like her perspective of shit, right? But it's just so weird how I see more people losing it on a daily basis. Like, you cannot, you know? And it's like, Josh Wolfe was here a couple months ago and we talked about that time in Hollywood. That time was very special in my life because nobody had anything, including Ralphie May, nobody had anything. It was six or seven guys trying to make it and nobody had the answer. But it was one of the most interesting times because we made it. But our whole life at that time, there was no Ralphie May didn't talk to me about sports or girls or Epstein's List. All we talked about was stand up. In those days, it was like a mini fucking camp. Because everybody I dealt with was in that world. I didn't deal unless my coke dealer or something. Everybody I dealt with was in that comedy world, right? So it helped you. You were surrounded with it. You know, Nick and I were talking about a friend of ours, a girl. It's not that she's a loser or that she's an idiot or that she's a fucking dickhead. It's that she's had shit people around her all her life. And she doesn't even know what's real anymore. She doesn't even know what. What a good relationship is, what a good man is anymore. Nothing. Because she surrounded herself with shit from time to time to time to time. This guy cheated on her with a hooker. The guy before was 10 years younger than her and got her pregnant, a Muslim. You know, it's like, it's like you're not helping your life.

[B]

What is the thing? You bring it up a lot. Did Einstein said or like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over.

[A]

When I started cope every day thinking I was going to get a different perspective. It's insanity. You know, I get up every morning, I smoke pot. I don't think it's that insanity because I don't get the same result every day. You know, I do. I get the result to get the fuck out of the house. That's my result from smoking pot at seven in the morning that it needs. It gets me out of the house by 8:30.

[B]

Well, let's play devil's advocate. Do you think. And I know. Do you think your life would be. You'd be any more productive? Anything would be more positive if you cut weed out?

[A]

Yes and no.

[B]

What would be better?

[A]

I don't think I'd be productive. I.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because it keeps my powder dry. I'm at a level right now. I'm not smoking pot. Cause it's getting me high. I'm smoking pot. I'm using it like a fucking pacifier. Okay. Like when kids use a pacifier. Right? That's all I do with drugs. That's all I've ever done with drugs. Is there a pacifier? For me, weed is something is the last thing left from my past. It's the last thing left from my past.

[B]

Which. But like you're unique because there are some people who if they had the same past doing a little bit of weed could like send them all the way back. Like did have you ever thought like, you know, smoking weed might send you back to doing coke? Or it's just not how you act?

[A]

No, that's, that's, that's excuses. Well, if I drink, I'll relapse. Then don't drink.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And don't drink. I think for me, listen, the pot, listen, I get pot. That's 45%. And I barely got high. You know, I'm not gonna lie to you guys crazy. You think I eat 500 milligrams? You see what I look what you look like on five and look what I look like on five. It's not working. Somewhere the other night I took three of those things. Oh, 15. And I ate two fucking taffies, okay. And all I got was munchies at night. But not even munchies where it was like I ate. My wife made toll house cookies and I ate three of Them, you know, it doesn't. But for me, for me quitting, look, I can't breathe and I won't quit smoking in the morning because it's the last thing I have of my past. It's the last thing I have as a reminder what my life was. That's the last little piece. It's just me going to a weed store and smoking dope. Now if I said I was going to Colombia and coming back with a kilo of coke because it was the last. I'm bullshitting you, right? I'm trying to turn. But this weed thing for me right now, after lunchtime when I smoke, nothing really happens. It's get high for 10 minutes and then if I took a break, right? Already taking breaks, nothing, nothing really happens.

[B]

But do you think, do you think you've also not come to terms with. But like, you're okay with. Okay, I'm okay with whatever. Like, if it hurts my breathing, I'll accept that. Because someone, someone could say, well, you know, if you're having trouble breathing, quit weed.

[A]

But I had breathing problems without the weed. I quit the. When I went from the hospital, I didn't smoke weed for a month. I still had problems. I'm like, what are we doing here, right? What the fuck is this? This is something different. This is anxiety based. There's a valve in my heart. There's something that's not. I have a cyst in my heart that you have to watch every year. Like, I've been watching it. They're supposed to watch it, okay? And if it grows or whatever, I have a system in my heart. It could be anything that controls oxygen, stress. I know I gotta pee, so I'm taking my dog. Did I tell you guys I took my dick out in the mall the other day and just started peeing?

[B]

No, you didn't, dog. What do you mean in the mall?

[A]

Listen to me. I went to buy, I was walking through the mall and I had a pee and I saw a sign for restrooms. So I followed that 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. And then when I get to the end of the hall, it's upstairs and I had to fucking go up the escalator when I made the sign on the downstairs on the first floor of this mall. I'm not going to say the mall because then people are going to arrest me. On the downstairs, it's just hard, you know? Tile, shiny tile. But upstairs there's carpeting, so there's people walking back and forth. And I just went over to the fucking thing where you look down at the people, dog. Right there. I just took my dick out because it was going to explode. I'd already peed my pants a little bit. I just took my dick out and I could see it hitting the carpet. I'm looking around.

[B]

Isn't there glass on those things?

[A]

There's glass, but I didn't give a fuck. I had a pee. Enough. Enough with the walking. I just walked a mile. 20 minutes after I saw a sign to pee. I'm about to bust, okay? I'm 62. My fucking thing is the size of a woman's fucking ear. Now I gotta pee. And it turns. You know, like I used to tell you, like when I jerk off, I hold the top until I get to the bathroom because I'm uncircumcised. And it blows up like one of those snakes, right? I hold the fucking thing and it blows up. That's how my dick was. I was holding it under the pants and I could feel the top exploding. I just took my dick out and it just hit the glass and then it just started dripping. And I stood there, dog, and I'm like, these cameras are gonna catch me. And I let the top go out, like, just to relieve me. And I put my pants back in. I looked down. I had a stain this big on my pants. I had to go out to the car and spray Febreze on my fucking pants. It smelled like old man piss. But I pissed right at the mall and then kept walking like nothing happened. And I was like, bro, they're going to call me, like, in a day. They're going to come to my house and go, Mr. Diaz, we need to talk to you. I haven't said nothing. Then I went to the same mall the next day. And I'm like, did you go up.

[B]

To see if it smelled up there?

[A]

No, I didn't even go to the mall.

[B]

That's what that rug smells like.

[A]

My wife went to the mall with my daughter because I told her where to go get the Mercy's jacket. That's when she came back. I go, you know, the second floor? She goes, yeah, it was. I go, did you ever find the bathroom? She goes, no. They put it. I go, that's why I took my dick out. She goes, no, you didn't. I just took my dick out. When I took it out, the top of the snake, it just went bah. And it hit the glass and it was dripping down the glass. It was yellow. I don't get dog, I can't do it no more. I can't do it no more. And I got that bottle in the car from my surgery, and every time I pee in it, I'm like, what am I doing with my life?

[B]

What do you mean, every time you pee in. And how often are you peeing in the car, dog?

[A]

This time's I gotta pee twice on the ride down. Sometimes I just go behind the car. But I'm the best at peeing undercover. Like, nobody could even see me. I'll take the phone out, I'll look up at the ceilings.

[B]

Yeah, but you're gonna get caught. You gotta stop that.

[A]

I know, but I just don't. I don't do it close to a school because then they'll get me as a sexual predator. So I don't piss close to schools or 20 yards or nothing. I piss in malls. I. First of all, I open up both doors on my car.

[B]

Okay, That I think should be allowed. If you open up both doors, then.

[A]

I make believe I'm fixing the sunroof and I'll pee. But sometimes I'll get on the thing where you step onto the car. I go, God damn it. So now there's like a little puddle there. Pee in the thing.

[B]

Oh, my God. I do that on the highway. I love doing that.

[A]

It's fucking terrible, man, how much I have to pee. And it gives me anxiety. Like, the more I'm walking, I can't breathe. You guys see when I walk up these steps and get to the top, I gotta pee. This time I'll just take my dick out and make believe I'm reading something, you know, like, on the car. Like I'm. Yeah, like, that's it. I gotta pee.

[B]

Have you ever thought about getting, like, the bags attached to you? It's better than taking your dick out at the mall.

[A]

I don't give a fuck at this point. I need some publicity before next Friday. I need to get some publicity before I go to Oceans.

[B]

That should be the name of your tour. Like the peeing in public tour.

[A]

And I told my wife to take the water pills out. Like, that's what it is. I have enough going through me. They give me these water pills in the morning. Oh, my God. And if I go eat breakfast out, like, if Mercy and Terry have to do something and I eat breakfast out, then I don't eat the pills till I get back home about 11. Oh, oh, and that's not good. I gotta box. I pee at boxing, back and forth. I gotta take my gloves off. So by the time then you gotta touch your Dick with glovey fucking hands. And they're mildewy, so I gotta wash my hands first. And the whole time I don't touch my dick with dirty hands. What happened? Never. I always wash my hands first before you. And if my hands are dirty, I got a towel in the car. Like a dirty, evil car into the back seat and I touch my dick with the towel so my hands aren't dirty and I don't get a disease on my dick. I don't want my dick to have Covid. I gotta fucking shoot it on its own. It's got a little mask on, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

You could kind of make the egg roll like the thing into a mask if you wanted. Dude, no one is prepares like you. You have a hand towel for when you pee in your car.

[A]

I had a. I had no choice. If I'm with somebody, I don't want to have pee on my hand. I got fucking cleaner in my car. That antiseptic for your hand. Oh, yeah, I spray. I got the Febreze. Sometimes I put on brand new pants. They're brand new. It's like 10 in the morning and I pee all over. God fucking damn it. Now I got to go home and wear another fucking pair of pants for bocce or whatever the fuck because I hate having pee Pee fucking pants.

[B]

Has it ever happened on stage where you had to pee like that?

[A]

Oh, like a motherfucker.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And I hold it in. I'll call from now on. I'll call a timeout, though. I'll pee right on the side of that stage. I don't give a fuck who's there if I gotta pee. That's just the way it. Let the cat clean it up.

[B]

Oh, my God. Let the cat clean it up.

[A]

You pee too. All the time. Go pee. What the fuck is wrong with you? Go pee. I sympathize. Now people used to go, I gotta pee. Hold it. No more. That shit is fucking brutal, man. It's really brutal. I got to go to a urologist to do something. But my prophet is good.

[B]

Yeah. The fact that it's coming out that fast, like I've started to see it like a. Like a decline in this. In the pee strength a little bit.

[A]

Well, what are you going to fucking do? You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

It's been a good couple of weeks, though. I feel good. I mean, I'm a little scared about my breathing. So I have an appointment next week, but I think I'm just gonna drive Myself to the hospital one day this week and start the process all over again. Cause this is gonna get bad somewhere. It's gonna get bad at it here. During the football games. There was one football game, I was sitting here fucking, I could not breathe. I'm like, this is not good. And I gotta walk up those stairs at night.

[B]

Do the inhalers help at all or not really?

[A]

Again, they're a fucking pacifier. That's the name of my new book, the Pacifier. Cause that's all this is. We're just pacifying our ways for fucking years. That's all I'm doing right now.

[B]

Yeah, you've been. You've been saying it for a little bit that your breathing's been off. That sucks, dude.

[A]

It's been off since like mid August again. It was doing great for like four or five months. Great. I was rolling two or three times at Jiu Jitsu. Now I can't do shit. I haven't even been to Jiu Jitsu. I'll do a private with Sean, but I can't go to class because I don't want to tell people that you got to stop. Do you have.

[B]

Do you have that problem doing stand up breathing? Because breathing during standup is a huge. If I couldn't breathe. No.

[A]

It's weird. When I do standup, I'm so. I've been so programmed to breathe and you just understand breathing more when you're doing standup. It's unconscious for me. Like if I'm around here, I have to worry about breathing. I have to think about it. When I hit the bag, I have to hit with intention and breathing. When I do stand up, I don't even think about it. It's just your heart, just whatever. It's just second nature. What do you got for shows this week? Anything good this week?

[B]

I'm with you on Wednesday at the dojo. And then Friday, Saturday I'm at ROAR in Springfield, Massachusetts. And Sunday I'm at Laugh Boston.

[A]

Look at you.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And then stuff in New York coming up. But that's this week.

[A]

This week? Yeah. Wednesday we got Dojo. The following Thursday we got the Bucket show at the dojo. And then I think I take a week off for Halloween. We don't know what we're going to do yet. Then the following week I'm in. I'm in MGM Grand. But that Wednesday I'm at the Stress Factory as a warm up show. So I'm doing that just to keep warming up in front of audiences. November 5th is the Stress Factory. November 8th is DC so if you're not doing anything and you're in the D.C. area, swing by. Tickets are available, and they're cheap. If you're not doing Anything in Jersey, November 5th, come on out. There's no school that week. No. No. That's why I'm going to DC that week. Because fucking the 8th is. Wow. The 8th is my mother's 46th year of being dead.

[B]

That's like the day she passed.

[A]

Yeah, November 8th. And that's the week that you don't have school.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It just falls on a Saturday this year. It's also election week that year. Right. So it's election the fourth, and so we got nothing.

[B]

You'll be peeing all over Washington, D.C.

[A]

Oh, I can't wait. I can't.

[B]

Peeing at the Washington Memorial.

[A]

I can't fucking. Like I said, the casino's only 20 minutes from the D.C. so my daughter and my wife are going. The lady who's in charge of that fucking place used to work with my wife. Oh, cool. My wife called her the other day to see if she'd get a room, and she goes, you come on Wednesday. I want to see you anyway, come Wednesday, I'll put you in a suite. The whole fucking deal. But she said that when the guy told her, these are the offers we got for this year, she goes, there was like, six comics I wasn't going to bring. She goes, when I saw your name, I brought you in here. I don't even give a fuck if you sell a ticket. I just brought you here to bring your wife. Oh, perfect. It was perfect. So.

[B]

So they'll come down. They're coming down.

[A]

Yeah, they're going down on Wednesday because they want to. I'll be alone on Wednesday, thank God, for two days. But they want to go down just to. Just to, you know, DC Shit.

[B]

It's. And I say it all the time. It's so crazy to me. Like, Mercy looks at my Instagram stories now and. And then she's like, stealing your phone and going on Instagram. She's at the bar.

[A]

That was. Guys, I got a call from my wife about 10:15 Friday night, and she goes, joey, the girls are outside playing softball in the dark under the lights. They don't want to come in. I said. I go, why do they have to come in? She goes, well, it's 10:30 at night. Who gives a fuck? They got no school tomorrow. Let them play.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I'm playing. When I pulled up, all those girls were under the Lights. Because it was dark in my neighborhood. They're playing catch under the light and stimulating. Stealing third or whatever. And I pull up and I go, ladies, what the hell are you guys doing? And they're like, we're practicing, Mr. Diaz. I go, get in the house. I'm taking you out for a cocktail. Doug, those girls ran in that house. Ran in that house. I said, you got 10 minutes. I thought they were gonna wash up. They came down looking like, what's that show with the four hookers in the city?

[B]

Sex in the City.

[A]

Sex and the City. All of them had mascara on and tight pants and shirts, and their hair was up. They were ready. Ladies, where are you guys going? And the one little Jew girl was like, we're going to Osteria. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I get there, and it was Friday, and it's after fucking nine. So I. I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to go in there and put them at the bar. Let me go put them on the table. And then somebody will ask and I'll bring them over. My little Jew girl looked at me, she goes, I ain't sitting at no table. Not the Russian Jew. The Jew girl, she goes, I ain't sitting on the table, Uncle Joey. I'm going to the bar to have a drink. I go. And also, my daughter got up, and the Mexican was pouring water for them. And they just got up and walked up. The Mexican's like, where you guys going? They went to the bar. I ordered some cakes. They have the best chocolate cake there. They have the best chocolate decadence with, like, ice cream and fruit.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Oh, my God. And homemade whipped cream. I got four of them.

[B]

Ooh, cakes and Shirley Temple.

[A]

I got them all sodas with cherries in them. Yeah. And then I stepped away and I left them alone and I watched them for 20 minutes. And it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life. You think they were like Madame Fifi? They were taking the cherries and popping them in their mouths and eating the chocolate. And then I got them in the car, and it was like fucking. I wanted to crash the car. Cause they were all talking about different things all at the same time. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like cocaine. You see it. You fucking see it with kids. When you give them sugar, they go off the fucking deep end. And I took them home. And when we got home, they're like, we had such a good time. Mr. Diaz, we're going again tomorrow night. And I'm like, okay. And then at the bar, her phone died. That's why. Because she goes, leave your dad, dad, leave your phone. I have to call mom real quick and ask her a question because mom said to bring her a dessert. I didn't know what dessert. Right. That's what she was doing. What is it called? Underage at the part three? Yes.

[B]

Just posting stories. She's funny on Instagram. She put up. She put up a story the other day. She's like, who wants to doordash me food?

[A]

Oh, yeah, she was at school. Oh, no. She was at rehearsal playing the bass, and she didn't bring food. So they. I was sitting there, and all of a sudden I see the story and I go, you dumb bitch. I told you to bring a sandwich. I told you to bring something. Now when I picked her up that day, I'm starving, dad, we gotta go.

[B]

That's a. I love it. You and the shit's only gonna get crazier.

[A]

It's only gonna get crazier once she starts driving. I've been bothering lately to drive.

[B]

Really? And she doesn't want to do it.

[A]

She gotta learn now. Who wants to learn when they're fucking 17? I'm gonna teach her in that truck.

[B]

Oh, and you're gonna just turn her into the Uber driver?

[A]

Yeah, so when she gets a smaller car, she'll know, oh, I could put her in that truck. That truck will have 200,000 miles by the time she's. I'll save that truck. I bought that truck.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So I'll just give it to her. Let her bang people with that fucking truck. Let her cut off a motherfucker with that truck. You're not gonna teach her in a Honda Teacher in that truck. And she sees a bigger vehicle and then a smaller vehicle, she'll react a lot better. But that's it, man. It's just another fucking fun week. This is my time of the year. Fucking two more weeks after Halloween. It goes fast. And again, I'm not gonna remind you motherfuckers, we're probably down to 10 Mondays before Halloween. That's it.

[B]

Before Halloween.

[A]

For Christmas.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Ten Mondays to Christmas. So you better. Fuckers better get it together. It's gonna be a hard year, people. Yeah, 10 Mondays, people already holding on to shit. I mean, think about it. They don't even talk about Halloween. Nobody's even talked about Halloween.

[B]

The candy's already out.

[A]

Yeah, but I am. I know.

[B]

I love that fucking. Dude. They put it out in July. That's the biggest scam.

[A]

Cvs. A diabetic factory. Cvs, yeah, you love all that. That's so bad. Now when we were kids, Oreos were okay. Now God knows which one. They don't even fucking. They don't even get soft in milk. They're like something's in there. But anyway, who gives a fuck about Oreos? I love you, motherfucker. Love you, buddy. You have a good week and I love you guys. Thank you for being a part of our lives again. And that's it. Tip top Magoo motherfuckers. See you next week, same bat time, same bat channel. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here want to talk to you about something. Listen, I don't know if you know it. Your gut has a massive impact on how you feel each and every day. Look at the size of my gut. I know about these things. Bioma keeps things in tip top shape so you can feel your best no matter what life throws your way. Bioma's blend of prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics help restore healthy microbiomes. You're going to want to give Bioma a try and get things sorted down there. Listen, I love it. I take two of these every day and my stomach feels tip top Magoo. My blood tests are even coming back better. So if your gut is full of the wrong bacteria, get bioma and get it together. It's not just about being smooth and regular digestion. Your gut can mess with hormone levels, energy, weight management and even lifespan. So what I'm going to do is this. Take 15% off your Biomar order to get started. Just click the link in our show notes and press in Code Joey J O E Y. That's code Joey J O e [e-mail] that's code Joey 15% off when you click the link in our show notes. Thank you. You ever wake up in the morning and you're feeling a little ho hum? Well, it's time to put some magic back in your breakfast with Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon makes high protein zero sugar cereal and treats that you'll remember from your childhood. It's great if you're carb conscious and it comes in nostalgic flavors like fruity cocoa and Frosted Me. I like the cocoa and the fruity. I love them. Every serving of their cereal has 13 grams of protein. Do you hear what I'm saying? 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and only 4 grams of net carbs. No time for a bowl. Magic Spoon makes crunchy cereal treats that are delicious. They're packed with 12 grams of protein for an on the go option. Great in the morning and around workouts or as a midnight snack. How I have them get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com church or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off. And enjoy it Jack. Cause it's good. It.