To live life, is to learn

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: To live life, is to learn

Date: January 13, 2026
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Overview

This episode of “The Church of What’s Happening Now: The New Testament” is a loose, raucous, and deeply personal conversation between Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt. The main theme centers around the purpose of living—summed up by Joey as: “to live life is to learn”—with rich discussions about stand-up comedy, intention, personal growth, the state of the streets, legal/political commentary, the evolution of podcasting, and heartfelt reflections on their journey together as friends, comics, and podcasters.

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Key Discussion Points

Comedy, Intention, and Growth

• Purpose and Intention in Stand-Up:

  • Joey stresses the need for comics to hit the stage with intention, comparing his younger, aimless approach to his current, focused process (08:28).
    • Quote: “I never went up there with...another word for purpose...Intention.” —Joey (08:28)
  • He reflects on shifting priorities as an older comic: maximizing quality over quantity in performances, and not chasing the late-night grind anymore.
  • The analogy with Jiu Jitsu: even as he ages, it’s about “little victories” and surviving, not “razzle dazzle” or proving himself (09:21).
    • Quote: “I get little victories. I get a hook in and I sweep you. Oh my god. And you’re done for the day.” —Joey (09:21)

• Comedy as Process of Learning:

  • Joey highlights that trying and failing is crucial to growth. He’s not afraid of bombing if it means testing and improving a joke (10:31).
  • Intentionally using each set, spot, or late-night walk to create or refine material.

Life Lessons and Aging

• Adapting with Age:
  • Joey talks about needing naps, fewer nights out, and more structure compared to the “Nomad Dog” days (11:30, 12:42).
    • Quote: "I take a nap every day and sometimes two naps a day.” (12:42)
  • He shares a longing for purposeful social connections (“I just want love in this room…I want people who breathe for one another.”) and apologizes to Lee for past harshness (24:08).

Street Smarts and Social Commentary

• On Societal Changes and Respect:

  • Joey fiercely defends the code of respect, claiming: “the street doesn’t lie and it never fucking changes” (25:28).
  • He rails against the erosion of due process in high-profile cases, especially relating to recent policing/ICE actions (35:05).
    • Quote: “Everything in life changes except the movement of the street.”
  • Discusses how, as a “criminal,” he’s always respected the law’s process and criticizes how modern authorities jump to condemn without details (35:05–36:00).

• On Police, ICE, and Violence:

  • Heated discussion about police shootings and government messaging—frustration at public lies, lack of empathy, and government overreach (37:51–46:13).
    • Quote: "Now, to me, that looked like stone cold murder. And it’s our government getting a little bit more comfortable...with comfortable.” —Joey (44:54)
  • Joey underscores his perspective as someone who’s lived on both sides of legality, insisting the sanctity of due process is being lost.

The Business & Culture of Comedy

• On Pay and Comic "Unionization":

  • The exploitative nature of comedy club pay, the failure of comic unions, and undercutting as a perpetual issue (17:21–18:24).
    • Quote: “Because we’re whores...You and I both know if a booker calls me right fucking now...By the time I hit that door, George will call that same guy and go, hey, I’ll do it for 300.” —Joey (17:21)

• On the Flood of New Comics:

  • Both note the oversaturation of stand-up and open mics, and how today’s scene is very different from their early years (22:00–22:28).

Reflections on the Podcasting Landscape

• Podcasting, Authenticity, and the Golden Globes:
  • Joey and Lee lament the “corporatization” of podcasting, bemoaning that major awards favor celebrity-driven, team-produced shows over grassroots, chaotic, authentic pods like theirs (57:46–84:15).
    • Quote: “When you listen to these podcasts, like, they’re scripted, there’s meetings, there’s teams of people...it was like a real, kind of, like, zoom into, like, our lives.” —Lee (83:23)
    • Joey reminisces about the freedom, chaos, and familial nature of their early podcasts.
  • Joke about the industry: “They did a Golden Globe for a fucking podcast…It’s like winning defensive player of the year and Lawrence Taylor got more votes than you did…” —Joey (59:04)

Nostalgia & Storytelling

• Old Stories and the Evolution of Their Friendship:

  • The memorable early days—road gigs, wild edible nights, and learning as they went (86:18–88:26).
    • Quote: "To live life is to learn. It's not all gonna be good. It's everything." —Joey (88:26)
  • Joey details how their podcast began with him sharing criminal stories to get ahead of possible “dirt,” and then became more about mentoring Lee (98:12–103:58).
    • Quote: “That podcast, it became the Education of Lee. So through my stories, Lee would listen and sit there with his jaw dropped…” —Joey (98:12)

• The Art of Listening—In Comedy and Life:

  • Joey discusses the rarely-acknowledged skill of “listening to the audience” for comics, learning from laughter, sighs, and groans (112:50–116:09).
    • Quote: “You have to listen to the audience...Dog size reliefs. Ha. Oh my god. I can’t believe he said that. Those little things that you don’t hear and you’re not supposed to hear, but you—being the bad motherfucker that you are—you hear.” —Joey (112:50)
  • Tweaking as a comic—the never-ending process of improvement (“200 tweaks”; 116:10–119:32).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Highlight | |---|---|---| | 08:28 | Joey | “Intention. Another word for intention. So again, you're 38...” | 09:21 | Joey | “I get little victories. I get a hook in and I sweep you. Oh, my God.” | 10:31 | Joey | “That was my intention for the night, was to tighten up that joke...” | 12:42 | Joey | “I take a nap every day and sometimes two naps a day.” | 17:21 | Joey | “Because we’re whores...comic union never worked...somebody will suck your dick for $10 eventually if you keep asking.” | 25:28 | Joey | “Everything in life changes except the movement of the street.” | 35:05 | Joey | “This country’s built on laws...What is that called? Due process.” | 44:54 | Joey | “Now, to me, that looked like stone cold murder. And it’s our government getting a little bit more comfortable with comfortable.” | 59:04 | Joey | “It’s like winning defensive player of the year and Lawrence Taylor got more votes than you did and did double and you. They got suspended for doing blow.” | 83:23 | Lee | “When you listen to these podcasts, like, they’re scripted, there’s meetings, there’s teams of people...it was like a real, kind of, like, zoom into, like, our lives.” | 88:26 | Joey | “To live life is to learn. It's not all gonna be good. It's everything...” | 112:50 | Joey | “You have to listen to the audience...Dog size reliefs. Ha. Oh my god. I can’t believe he said that...” | 119:01 | Joey | “...that little question [to the audience]. As soon as you ask a question, you’re weak. You just lost the battle.” | 120:54 | Joey | “It’s over now. That’s it. Why even think about it?” | 121:59 | Joey | “I told you. I went to that open mic and it was a lot different and it just reminded you...what your life has become, and how much fun it used to be.”

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Marijuana, Comedy, and Social Norms: 00:24–04:07
  (Joey and Lee riff about marijuana stigma, the creativity boost it brings to comedy, and changing social attitudes.)
• Intention in Stand-Up & Learning Process: 08:28–11:09
  (Joey’s advice on bringing intention and purpose to each set.)
• Comic Union and Pay Stories: 17:13–22:00
  (The futility of comedy unionization and insider stories on the economics of stand-up.)
• Personal Growth, Apologies, and Friendship: 24:08–25:28
  (Joey’s apology to Lee and his views on his inner circle in later life.)
• Law, Street Sense, and Commentary on ICE Incident: 25:28–46:13
  (Joey’s rant on respect, street wisdom, and the justice system.)
• Podcast Awards and Corporate Shift in Podcasting: 57:44–84:15
  (The Golden Globes, authentic podcasting vs. mainstream, and the hidden Hollywood system.)
• Nostalgia and Old Podcasting Days: 86:18–92:18
  (Storytelling about the wild early podcast years, live shows, and explosive edible tales.)
• The Education of Lee & Life Lessons: 97:25–103:58
  (Joey’s stories as a tool for Lee’s learning, and the importance of getting personal history out.)
• Listening as a Comic and Act Tweaking: 112:46–119:32
  (On effective stand-up, learning from and reading the audience, and refining performance over time.)

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Tone & Style

• Brash, unfiltered, and fiercely honest—replete with colorful language.
• A blend of nostalgia, wisdom, comedic bravado, world-weariness, and affectionate ribbing.
• Heavy on storytelling, with philosophical asides, political skepticism, and raw reflections on aging.

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Closing Thoughts

“To live life is to learn” stands as the throughline of the episode: embracing mistakes, seeking growth, and honoring the unpredictable journey of comedy, friendship, and streetwise living. Joey and Lee’s reminiscences, bold opinions, and genuine care for one another make this episode both a time capsule and a masterclass in comedy, humility, and adaptation.

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Transcript

[A]

Kick this motherfucking mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. We're here for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening Now New Testament. I'm here with my trusted fucking soldier of debt, Kato Lee Syat. And Uncle Joey's here for another fucking whatever. What up, mook? Where you been? You've been hiding lately. What happened?

[B]

I've been in Saratoga. It was a good weekend. I went up and I got. We got. We were talking about like how expensive food is. I went up to a place in like Albany and got barbecue. That was actually pretty good. But I had something. Do you ever smoke before you go eat somewhere? And then people.

[A]

What the is wrong with you?

[B]

But the people I had like this old. I sat next to this old lady. Like, we just, I just sat at the bar to eat. And she like, as soon as I sat down, she like turned up her nose and like loudly to the bartender, like someone's smoking a refurb. Like, meanwhile she was hammered at 2 in the afternoon. And I was like, like, I. It's amazing that like people still get upset about it. I, I didn't smoke in the restaurant. I just smoked and went inside and.

[A]

Way better. That's right. I got one for you for later and that's it. I'll never smoke that. You know she's ordering an Uber because she got three dui.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So I really don't. You know what I'm saying? Like when those people listen, marijuana is so far like out there now. Yeah. If you're still talking little shit about marijuana, you just. There's something wrong with you at this point in the game.

[B]

Oh yeah. And plus I would think like a restaurant would want people to smoke weed before they came inside because she had one order of sliders. Meanwhile we had like $100 worth of food appetizers, two entrees.

[A]

Like fucking. A little bigger cologne, not to put it on you, but just to spray it on you if you don't want.

[B]

Oh, I don't care.

[A]

I don't care. I could care the fuck less. I walk into the best restaurant in the world reeking of reefer. Oh yeah, fuck it. Let them know what type of the party this is. But I'm not going to. At this age. I'm not, not going to smoke. Like, I smoke whenever and wherever the fuck I want. But listen, okay, but this is consequences here, okay? I don't want to smoke around kids to confuse their parents. You follow me? Like the other day, my neighbor, we were talking about Something. We were talking about edibles and she go. And Addie was there and she was talking about edibles, something. She doesn't take them. She's talking to Addie goes, what type of brownies? And she goes, you know that smell? You smell New York City that you don't like, right? Oh, she goes, yeah, I don't like that smell. Smell. There's people who just don't like that smell. And when you go into the city now, that's what it smells like.

[B]

Oh, dude, I.

[A]

The whole city smells like marijuana. Go down to Jersey Shore. It smells like marijuana. I don't think this is what people signed up for, but this is the result that you got.

[B]

Do you know? Because I do it all the time. I pretty much not now because it's cold, but, like, if I'm going between spots, I bring joints so I can smoke on the walk to the next spot.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Okay. So that's. Okay. I thought you were saying that. Yeah, no, yeah.

[A]

You're going to do comedy, right? Okay. Some people go lift weights. You ever go on Instagram and there's a guy swinging kettlebells. You know, he's yoked. I mean, super yoked. Right. He's got three tattoos, he's bald, and he's telling you he's a fitness instructor. He ain't no fitness instructor. He just did steroids. Fucking. Steroids is fucking. What do you call that? Like, they don't allow it in most sports.

[B]

Right, right, right.

[A]

Thank God they allow reefer in comedy. Because you know what? Okay. You eat a bag of dicks at the New York Comedy Club, you got an eight block walk. Now to the rest of the place, you say goodbye. You're like, oof, I'm not gonna cash this $25 check. I just ate it in front of eight people. And then you walk over there and on the walk over, you smoke a joint. And trust me, if you get high, like at night, like really high, like, that don't have.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I got to eat three fucking nickel edibles. But if you're getting a high off reefer in between sets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like a two hour. Like, you're there now, you got to be there for an hour and a half. It's not like you. By the time you go to that next smoke, you're going to need it. And you're going to write a joke on the way. That walk is everything. That little eight block walk. Well, not for me. For you, eight blocks. I got to bring the inhaler and fucking Walk slow and make believe I'm getting calls I don't see.

[B]

You know, I'm not running any races on the walk either. Takes me a. Fuck you.

[A]

You know, it's like I said, listen, who am I lying? If I come up to the dojo on Tuesday, right? And then they have an open mic and I get in my car, I could run and catch the RBR lounge and do a spot there at 10 on the fucking drive. What are you doing? You're talking to your mother on the phone. You're talking to your girlfriend. You're by yourself and you're going over that thought. You got 25 minutes to drive. What a fuck. You got a notebook next to you with a pen and you're just cutting off motherfuckers thinking about shit. Oh, shit. Because now you're out. Now you're out. Now you're in your creative mode. Forget when's the best time to write a joke? After you get off stage? Yeah. Cause you're right there. You just did it. This is not you at 8 in the morning. Is this funny? Is this funny? No. You just went into the spot. Now you go to another spot and wait till you start making money and like you fucking. You're shooting HBO special, going to give you 13 million. You can hire somebody to give you rides. Oh my God. And that's even better. Like you tell them all, fucker, here, stay high, put earphones on. Don't listen to a word I'm saying to myself in the car. I'm just going to sit in between traffic lights and go for the next. That's the best time to write a joke after you've performed, you're loose. There's no, you know, you could do all this shit right before a baseball game. What do you. You stretch, you do all this thing, you do all this shit. But there's nothing like going out there and just swinging the bat. But we, we're older, so we scared. We gotta do little trunk swings and. Cause we don't wanna swing and fucking rip an abdomen, right? But you go out there, whatever his abdomen, you go out oblique.

[B]

No, you know, you're right.

[A]

You don't wanna go out there and fucking sw. You know, that's the same thing. We just swung this the third inning, you figured out the pitcher, he struck you out the first time and that's fine. He struck you out in the fucking first inning. You were colder than a motherfucker. You didn't stretch. Right, right? And now you went out there, he struck you out but now you've been watching this motherfucker and all the other guys, when they walk off and they got struck out, they're all gone. Watch the slider. Watch this, watch that. You go up there, two pitches in your time it, and you got a single.

[B]

I wish. Comedy. It does work like that. But, like, sometimes I'll watch a show. Like, if I'm bomb. If I bomb and I'll watch a show, I'll have, like, a intrusive thought about, like, running back on stage, like, at the end of the show. Let me do this again. I know I can get you guys now.

[A]

Please, please. It's too late. You're like Ralph Cramden and the honeymooners. $50,000 question, and they will like, it's too late. It's too late. Meryl Shaw, 1952. He kept, you got to go now. You got to go now. Vinny Escalice, 1929. You know, like, he kept. He kept fucking saying shit, right? But here's the other thing. Since we're talking to comics real quick, and I told you this because, let's be honest, after 30 years, I finally figured this out. Nobody told me. And it's just like anything else, you know, when you do your weekly spots, right, I want you to, like, that's why I don't like open mics. Like the, you know, pay $5, right? Go up, the other comics are looking at you, they're on their phones, and you really don't get a read. Yeah, you go through the emotions, but you don't know if you bombed or if they worked. So what. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? Just go to a bar and tell Vinny, Vinny, Nicky, go up there and fucking tell the bartender. I'm going to get on stage and do 10 jokes here. You know what I'm saying? Like, well, let him go put the light on. Well, if he. If we get laughs, he could put on light on after three minutes. You know, shit like that. I'm just exaggerating.

[B]

No, but that'd be great.

[A]

But the whole thing always, that I never did as a comic because of addictions and stupidity was I never went up there with. It's another word for purpose. And we discussed this.

[B]

Intention.

[A]

Intention. Another word for intention. So again, you're 38. You go to Jiu Jitsu, you're there for 90 days. You learn the basic shit. Now you're there for 180 days. Now you're rolling with people. You're still getting beat up. But after a While I forgot where I'm going with just the edibles hitting.

[B]

Me, going somewhere with intent, you know.

[A]

After a while when I go. So after a while you become a blue belt. And you're so crazy, you're just going in to tap people, right? I'm 63. I have no intentions of tapping anybody.

[B]

You don't want to tap anybody.

[A]

I get little victories. I get a hook in and I sweep you. Oh, my God.

[B]

And you're done for the day.

[A]

That's it. I gotta go. We did jumping jacks, we did push ups, we did sit ups, we drilled. That's it. So intention is everything, right? When I go to a class and Niki's like, let's jujitsu. Niki's fucking ten times quicker than me. Even if he busted his ankle, he'd be quicker than me. I could sit on him if I could get him. But Nikki's smart. If I could get him. And even then, these young guys, they always find a way to hook your leg. And next thing you know, you're flying in the fucking air.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And you're 200 pounds heavier than these motherfuckers. But my point is, when I go to Jiu Jitsu, now, I don't go for any of that razzle dazzle. I just go to not get hurt, right? To do one fucking thing. So you're leaving one club, you're going to the other one. Well, Joey, I bombed. But look where you performed. I'm not taking nothing away from you. I'm not taking nothing away from stand up comedy. But I won because I tried that joke the first time and I ate a bag of dicks. But the second time, everything I dropped sucked. But that joke got a laugh.

[B]

Yeah, I won.

[A]

That was my intention for the night, was to tighten up that joke. And by the time you get to the third spot, it's gravy. Now there's eight people. You go in there to crack that joke, but ain't nobody to crack it with. There's only eight people. Yeah, and now you start talking and you found a variation for that joke. So that's intention. I had no intention. My intention was to get a gram of coke and fucking snort it after the show. And who was gonna suck my dick? So I had no intention.

[B]

When did you start, like, doing that with comedy? When you.

[A]

About a year ago.

[B]

I will.

[A]

Cause I don't have much to do. I don't have five nights. I got two nights. So I gotta get the most out of my two fucking nights. Of comedy. I can't go every night to do comedy.

[B]

You don't think so?

[A]

Listen, man, even if you did the.

[B]

8 o' clock show, I got some.

[A]

Stories for you, okay? No, I just got stories for you that. It's not what you. It's not what it used to be. I can't live that life no more with Nomad Dog. I come in at one in the morning, I'm done for two nights. I got no reason to lie to anybody.

[B]

Okay? Yeah, I get you.

[A]

I go out on a Wednesday, I get home 11:30 after a two hour drive. Then I pull a Thursday night and I bump into Nick and you and George and we're talking and he wants to get eggplants, jalopini at a pizza place. And it's 1:30 in the morning, nobody drank. But nobody in this room is gonna be tip Top Magoo at 7:30 when I call you and we need to be up at 7:30.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So then, you know, it's not like the old days when I just flipped over, took a coke, snot out of my nose, ate it, banged one out and went right back to bed to one those days. I can't do that no more.

[B]

No.

[A]

I got people looking at me. I got cats meowing, I got wives asking me questions and shit.

[B]

You know, I had to take a nap at like 6 o' clock the other night because I had a midnight show.

[A]

Listen, I take a nap every day and sometimes two naps a day.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Today my nap was, are you going to the whoop? 49 minutes. And that's all I needed. That's it. Just a little after I lift and drive and people telling me, you gotta join up the fucking. Today I got into it with the fucking agency. You have to link up the page for a gig, guys. What are you talking about? A Facebook page? Now you have to link it, right? I'm not doing that. That's not happening. We just sell tickets here. You know what I'm saying? We just sell tickets. I'm not linking groups and putting posters of me in the shower. I don't need that aggravation.

[B]

I can't wait to be able to say that to one person. I don't think I've. I don't think I can tell anyone.

[A]

No, but hold on. Right now nobody's asking you to join, right?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But then at first you really enjoy it, but then you're like, this shit don't work. I get more action out of taking a picture and jumping off the bridge. And saying dates in Saratoga.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Than me coming up at 7 in the morning and doing TV. Wait till you start doing TV local news.

[B]

I've only done radio a couple times.

[A]

I've never done tv, radio, local news. When you're sitting there with two other people like, hi, we just. Oh, my God, those bagels were yummy. From Empire Bagel on Edgewater Road. And. But now for you people who love to laugh, it's a bunch of housewives at 9 o' clock in the morning. Oh, yeah, you know, it's a grandma's and. And you're like, yeah, it's gonna be a fun weekend at the Funny Bowl. Bingo night there.

[B]

They started, like, didn't Segura go in as like, a rapper? He had like, a fur coat with a chain. Like, towards the very end of him needing to do that, he. He just said it. I'm gonna start with these people.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And then they don't want you. And you're like, fine, fine. But some people, like, remember that dude in Reno?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, they stayed at his apartment, seven in the morning. So lunch. He drop you off and he pick you up at one. He's like, we're doing radio till five. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but it's calling at 5. Listen, it's not happening. I'm going home.

[B]

I'm going home.

[A]

I'm going home. I ain't doing no afternoon radio. We did enough. That's it. There was a guy in Pittsburgh that made you do a fucking truck show. What do you mean? Breaker one night.

[B]

Oh, hysterical.

[A]

So after you did Pittsburgh radio, you went to his house and did another.

[B]

Hour with him on like a CB radio.

[A]

On like a CB radio. And I walked out one day. I'm like, I'm hungry, dog.

[B]

Who does he want to come? He wants the truckers to come.

[A]

It is. I don't know.

[B]

That's hysterical.

[A]

I just didn't do it. I just didn't fucking do it.

[B]

Especially during your coke days. I can't imagine you having the patience to do any of this stuff.

[A]

Yeah, that was towards the end of my coke days. But that was. See, towards the end of my coke, in the beginning, it took me about six months to get calibrated real quick. Like eight months, nine months. I mean, I still didn't feel well, but that not feeling well made me, like, angry. So now I was asking for money. Like, you had a good time for a long time. You know what I'm saying? You had a good time for a long time. Paying me 200, charging 25 at the door, and giving me 200. Sometimes the checks bounced. You had a good time. It's different now. And, bro, 50% of people go, you're done with me, Joey. And that's fine, because they weren't real anyway. But the 50% that stay, now you have something to work with. So now your attitude changes. And now they're on board because they understand. You did a movie, you did this, you did that. You. You're not selling out places, but people come to see you. You know, so what the fuck are we doing here? And now you start asking for shit. And people are like, you're too tough to work with. I don't quite. Cause I'm mad. You get $20 a ticket. 400 fucking people, and I get $200. For eight years I've been doing that. And I appreciate the work. Yeah, but how many mortgages can I pay for you? Now it's my turn. Now it's my turn. Give me a little extra. Let's do 400. Oh, I can't do that. And then they do it and they go, but don't tell nobody. And then years later, I'm talking to Alina. He's like, he paid me 800, you dumb fuck.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That's why he told me not to tell nobody.

[B]

Why do you think the comics union thing never worked out?

[A]

Because we're whores.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

I could go into, like, give you, like, a chat, like a. No, because we're whores. Because you and I both know if a booker calls me right fucking now and says, joey, I got a gig tonight, pays $350, you're gonna drive an hour, come back. I'm gonna go, you know what, man? It's fucking late notice. I got a kid, I got a cat. I'll do it for 400. And the guy goes, no, no, no, no. All right, no beef, no beef. I just didn't want to do it tonight. By the time I hit that door, George will call that same guy and go, hey, I'll do it for 300. So what union do I have, right? I don't know. It's just that little thing comedians have. It's not. You know, I think hookers have it, too. Who knows? There's not a hooker union, right? Because somebody will suck your dick for $10 eventually if you keep asking.

[B]

Yeah, it's a fucked up.

[A]

You go to a homeless tent, there's a chicken there that'll suck your dick for $10. No, teeth, doesn't look good, her hair's all ratted up. There's a fly living in a natural, you know. But in her.

[B]

I'm just imagining what a ten dollar blow job would be.

[A]

Just nasty something that you even close your eyes and go, God, I hope nobody finds out about this. But I needed a blow job and I had a coupon and I knew I could beat that fucking price of $200 that that chick wants to suck my dick for. So I know if I keep creeping, you'll find somebody. If I keep creeping, it's like a woman, you know? And I'm not saying anything bad about women or anything like that, but think about it. You go to a woman, a girl's fucking 28, she's got student loans and shit, she works at a bar. You go in there every night, you're 40, maybe you got a million dollars in the bank. Who the fuck knows? And every night you tell her, I'll give you a thousand bucks to eat your snatch if you ask her for eight months, once a week. Eventually she's going to go, give me 12, 50, but don't tell nobody.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And you're like, I changed my mind, see you later. It's just stupid shit like that. But eventually, if you tell somebody every day, you're going to loop them out.

[B]

But you don't think like it's. You would think comics would be able to do like. I don't know, like. Because unions work in other places.

[A]

Unions work across the board. But if you have weakness before, like if I tell you 10 times, you can't go down there. Some people cannot. You're going to go, Joey. But they keep calling me. Five nights a week they call me and they'll give me 15 bucks and a steak dinner, you know. Did you ever see the show on Showtime about Mitzi Shore in the Comedy Store? Was supposed to.

[B]

Parts of it.

[A]

Not all. Not the whole thing. I'm dying up here I'm dying up.

[B]

Here I'm dying up here yeah, that.

[A]

Was what a couple episodes were about.

[B]

Cause, yeah, that went on in the store years ago.

[A]

Yeah, years ago. But it's not. It's not. You have. We're from a rare species, especially at some level, we just go off and, you know, I don't know what I did, but I'm sure I did a couple creepy things in the beginning, you know, I'm sure I called people overhearing something.

[B]

How could you not? I was thinking about the first gig I got offered and I was Going to visit my dad. And I was. So I was. Because when you go from only doing those $5 open mics to actually getting like a real show, it. To me, it felt like I was getting called from Addison Square Garden. It was a fucking apartment show where there was like, the rugs were crusty. It was disgust. But it was my. It was my first gig. And to like, especially New York, I. You go to these open mics because these open mics, I gotta be honest, a little. A little even not scarier than la, but there's a little bit more. I think with the train, there's a little bit more mental health issues in New York than there might have been in la. Because in LA you have to at least be able to drive. And it was like, there's some people that I just. I see them hanging out at shows and I'm like, you've only. No one would ever put you up at an actual show because you're a crazy person. But you're right. If everyone. If like all the regular comics banded together to get, like a union together, that guy would get an offer to do the shitty show and he would just do it, which is. It's depressing.

[A]

And especially now we have such a market. It's. So everybody's a comedian. Yeah, everybody's a comedian. Once a week, somebody comes up to me somewhere and goes, I just got on stage for the first time. It's great. I'm dumping my kids. And you're like, but everybody's a comedian. Yeah.

[B]

Now they have movies about it. I haven't seen it yet, but they have a movie.

[A]

I haven't seen it either. We got an ad, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's kick up. Give me two minutes. Going to talk to you about. It's the beginning of the year. You want to start your coconut on the right leg. Better Help is going to talk to you about a couple things. All right, we'll be right back. Stay black. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. The new year can be a tough time. Remember, it's okay to ask for help. Therapy is a great way to better understand your emotions and what you're going through. Listen, when I first moved to Jersey, I was going through some stuff. I contacted BetterHelp, spoke to them on a weekly basis, and here I am. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and fully licensed in the US Identify your needs preferences with their online quiz. If you're not happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. BetterHelp makes it easy to get you matched with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% at betterhelp.com Diaz again, sign up at betterhelp H-E-L-P.com Diaz and get 10% off at betterhelp.com and listen, don't ever be ashamed to ask for help. BetterHelp will help you. So go to betterhelp.com Diaz and get 10% off right now. Thank you. We're back, Jack. Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about, that's very important. What I want to talk to you about, that was very important, was my behavior last Monday on the show torturing you. You know, I think that it was my own insecurities. And, you know, Lee, I've been around you. You're like a kid. You've been around me a year longer than my daughter. So you're like a child to me. And I told you, even John Wayne, we don't take this shit lightly. You know what I'm saying? And I'm your stepdad, so I'm very sorry I said those things. I want to leave it at that. He looked a little pale last week, and I felt bad. But, you know, you have to understand where I'm coming from. Nobody in this, everybody in this room is in this room for a reason. I can have 10 people in this room. I don't. Because I just want love in this room. I want people that breathe for one another. And that's very important to me in life. I don't have many years left on this fucking planet, but what I have left, I want with people who breathe for me because I'll breathe for them, you know? So my apologies on that. And number two, that we have to cover on this show this week. And you know, I'm not a political motherfucker. I don't care about any of that shit. I don't know about the GOP or what's going on in Venezuela. I don't know Maduro, I don't know. The oil.

[B]

You're just like Nancy Pelosi.

[A]

I don't know any of this shit about the world, but I knew no one thing, and I'll stand behind it 150%. And I know the streets. I fucking know the streets. And I mean, I look it to you, you know, because I'm old and shit, but I'll go to that Bronx And I'll bang it out with every fucking Dominican up there. Because I know the corners. I know how the street works. And everything in life changes except the movement of the street. Desperate people walk a certain way. A burglar walks a certain way. A fucking cocaine addict walks a certain way. The street doesn't lie. And it never fucking changes. I fuck around with Lee, and I fuck around with you people. But I'll tell you what. I respect things more than any of you motherfuckers do. And I know for a fact, because I go and I read your pages, and there's no respect anymore. But the things I respect the most, even if I fucking my mother died, even when Social Security wouldn't give me money, even when they threw me in fucking jail for something I did, was laws and the country and how it works. What I saw last week should scare you more than ever. And I'll cut into a story to tell you because we were just talking about the story two weeks ago. I feel that last Tuesday in America, they just murdered a fucking woman on the street. But, Joey, she weaponized the car. I weaponized the car once. That motherfucker is still walking with a limp. Okay, I know what weaponizing a fucking car is, okay? And people are going to have different opinions on this one. But let me tell you what I saw. I saw a fucking chick that divorced her husband, that was confused, all of a sudden wanted to eat pussy. And all of a sudden, who saw the Grammys last night? What the fuck?

[B]

The Golden Globes.

[A]

I woke up this morning, I'm trying to have them. Good morning. And I'm going through Twitter and I see a thing about Mark Ruffalo, and it's like, mark, how you doing tonight? I feel great to be here this evening, you know, with Hollywood's elite. But I really can't enjoy myself because of the murder of whatever. We wore a pin. I'm not one of those guys. I'm not one of those guys at all. I'm not one of those guys at all. But, you know, there's people who find that solace and they find peace going somewhere at Rudy's. And for George to come up to me and say, oh, my God, I saw what you did on NBC. You're so brave. There's people who live for that shit. I know somebody has to stick up for the blind children in fucking Tel Aviv. Whatever. I don't know. I don't know. The efforts of the world. I'm not one of those guys. I've never been one of those people. But that woman was. But Joey, they taunted the ICE agents. You know, years ago in Boulder, when we lived in Boulder, the CIA would come. And one of the things I took from those things, because I went down there not to protest the CIA, just to see white kids getting beat up. I enjoy that. You know what I'm saying? I enjoy seeing stupid people get beat up. And dog, every year, what I noticed was that all the police and the other people would have the shields and people just be yelling at him. Me two yells, and I got a foot up your ass. Especially if I'm a cop. Hey, you, fat spic. Over. If you think the beating they put on Rodney King, you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm gonna Rodney King this motherfucker. I'm gonna duplex him. Cause I'm a fucking cop, okay? That's why I didn't become a cop. That's why I don't do roast. That's why I don't like, you know, there's a point. And after that point, you're fucking. They're just white people, bro. In America, in Minnesota. What's the joke you used to tell me about Minnesota? Go get a gallon of milk. Some stupid shit. Exactly. What do they know? You hear when I walk into an airport and you always have this family cut you off. 9 out of 10 when you walk into an airport bright and early in the morning, there's always a family that walks in front of you. And you're like, telling your girlfriend, or, you know, you're trying to get your luggage, make sure you got your ticket. And all of a sudden it's freezing out. Fucking freezing. You tell, where's my scarf? You know, and you go. And this family walks into the airport and they just stop. They think they're in heaven and they speak in all different languages. They're all talking like, move.

[B]

Yeah, move.

[A]

Fucking move. You could step aside and talk all that shit and look around and, oh, jump on all that shit for an hour. By the time you finish, I'm already at the gate, back in my shit. That was one of those women, you know what I'm saying? Like, she was like, move the car. Move the car. She's looking. She stepped, bro. You can't shoot a tire. You can't shoot. I mean, to shoot a woman in broad daylight. End the clip, you know? And people have different opinions. I don't talk about this type of shit on the show. When we talking about a couple weeks ago, my mother's friend who I took the Polaroids out. My mother had two friends. My mother had. And I told you guys, the bartender that was really hot. And I liked her. Her name was Digna. I was at her house when Hank Aaron hit the home run. She was cooking and shit. Degna had a baby. But I was tight with Digna and her husband. Her husband I was really tight with. Digna was. I was 10, nine. And Digna would talk to me about stories of Cuba. And one day she told me. I think I told you guys. She goes, feel my head. And it was like a fucking pimple form. I was like, what is that? She goes, that's scrapnel from a fucking gun. Night, December 31, 1959. She goes, Everybody was leaving Havana. She goes, I got in a car with my sister. We just went like, we're going into the. Into the gunpowder, you know, into the country, whatever the fuck. She goes, we missed a fucking spot. They killed my sister and they left me for dead in the car. She had, like, scrap. No. In her fucking head. This is before 9. 11. So she'd go to the airport with no fucking problem. You know. There was no magnetic flame. She's not going to fuck up your 4G phone.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

But that always reminded me of that a year ago. Listen again, if you think you hate Jimmy Kimmel. I hate him more than you guys ever hated Jimmy Kimmel, okay? I don't think Jimmy Kimmel ever said a funny fucking thing. I think if you stay up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel, there's a problem with you. But I never spoke about this publicly. That CC or whoever shut him down because of what he was saying about the president. Whatever he wasn't saying. Freedom of speech is the First Amendment, is it not? Yeah. Once you lose that, you lose everything. And they retraced it and they gave him back his job and all that shit. But that's to show you the win that we're kind of taking. It's the win that we're kind of taking. The world's changing right in front of your fucking eyes.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You know it's changing right in front of your eyes. But this situation, you know, again, I'm not gonna show up in New York City at the protest. I just know, to me, for a man who does this for 10 years, for ice and should be prepared. Listen, when I first saw it before any judgment, I thought it was murder. I just thought something wasn't fucking right there. That's just my true opinion. And then I heard and I saw both sides and 18 different fucking angles. Because everybody's got J.F. kennedy around them now. Everybody got a fucking phone. I. I never saw nothing like that. Everybody had a angle. Even the cop had his side of thing. It would. Come on, guys. I don't know.

[B]

It's a up situ. I. I don't know why Ice. People don't have to wear body cams. But even, like, he was recording. So I saw that, and I'm like. I'm like 90 with you. The only thing is in. I feel like it's like the same when people, like, protest by sitting on the highway.

[A]

Goofy people. But here's the thing. He was.

[B]

She was blocking it, like, well, no matter what. And I don't agree with what ICE is doing at all. I. I don't. Or how they're doing it. Like, she shouldn't have been shot first. But they're there and they're cops and they have. They're allowed to. Like, it's. I. It just. Why would you put. That's not a situation I would put myself in.

[A]

Well, the cop got. The cop got hit 10 months ago, and he got 37 stitches. Well, then why is he standing in front of fucking cars for? You hit me with a car. I'm moving the fuck over. We'll deal with it later. And that's exactly what he did. But you know what I didn't like out of the whole fucking thing? What's this country built on? You thought about going to law school? Right Now I'm driving home. I love you guys. See you next week. See you Sunday, George. I'll see you Tuesday. I get in my car, I leave here, and I stop someone there, and I shoot a guy. He goes to mug me, the gun falls, and I shoot him. Whatever the fuck, right? Mm. What was my point?

[B]

This country's built on loss, okay?

[A]

Nick gets a call, George gets a call. I don't know if you know this. Joey got arrested for attempted murder, blah, blah, blah. He got arrested and they're going to charge him. No, you guys are going to get a call that says, joey got arrested, there was a shooting, and he's going to get charged tomorrow morning, 8 o'. Clock. They're holding him in North Bergen, okay? Next morning, you guys wake up. Terry gets the bail money. We go down there. What is that called? Due process? Called the arraignment first and then. Correct. It's due process. So wait a second. What's the difference between that and I shoot you? And I go on TV and go, you're a domestic. Terrorist. Yeah, that was not good, guys. That was not good. You know, Lee, I've been dying to apologize to you since I said that things on the podcast. I have to apologize to you on the podcast. I could have just called you, we could have blown this off. I did that because I have to live by my word. When you fuck up, you have to claim responsibility. When that dude came out bank whatever's fucking vice president, he came out dog. I had goosebumps of what this guy, how he was acting. The energy was wrong. He was condemning somebody already instead of coming out with a smile and going, listen, I'm not sure about what happened. I don't have all the details, but it was something not good. And I knew something like this was about to happen. So we're going to have to make changes. Nobody said that, guys. Nobody said that. Remember the next day when the paper comes out, what is it called now? The Hudson Dispatch. It's going to send ex comedian podcaster Joey Diaz was arraigned for attempted murder. Blah, blah, blah, blah. But it doesn't say nothing about I'm a condemned murderer or I'm a thief from 1982 or doesn't say that. That's what I didn't like. That's what really. I go, wait a second, so you. They fucked up and now you're going to lie to my fucking face? I mean, enough. How long can we get lied for as Americans about everything? Listen, if they lie about one thing, they lie about everything. Okay?

[B]

That's true. And here's what I like, because I, you know, we don't fully agree on, but that's fine. And there's going to be a lot of people who are angry about you for saying this, and there's going to be a lot of people who love the fuck.

[A]

But I got to say something about this. And I don't sit here and talk about presidents or vice presidents or dictators or how I feel about this group or how I feel about that group, because I don't feel anything about that shit.

[B]

But you have said, and I was going to say this to your credit is you have said like some pro right side, Trump side stuff. Previously on the Pod. Not a lot. But you, you've talked about certain things and you've been on the other side. So it's like the thing that upsets me, and I think it's what Vance was doing, is if you're on one side, whatever that side is, you have to comp. You have to take it completely. Like there's no, Seeing the other side. And I think, well, I have a.

[A]

Dear friend that I've known over 20, 30 years. They called me immediately. We started talking, and he's. Whatever. Winger. I don't know what Winger. And he looked at it completely opposite.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't argue with him. I let him tell me what. What I said, what happened. Because again, as human beings, a fly could come out right here. Lee's fly can just pop out of one of his shoes. And I go like this. And the fly goes down. And the cops come. Lee's gonna. I'm gonna press charges. The cops gonna ask you what happened. They're gonna ask you what happened. They're gonna ask him what happened. They're gonna ask me what happened. Two of those stories aren't gonna match. You were on the phone looking at a sports fucking thing. George, God knows he's drinking a. He's dreaming of something fucking absurd. So we're all going to get different takes, you know, and we're. Okay. We're human beings. I don't get mad at any of that other shit. I look at it and I go, hmm. So you motherfuckers waited eight years for the Epstein list to let me know that Michael Jackson was on the island with Woody Allen and those people. Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you. You're going to throw Michael Jackson under the fucking bus now? Motherfucking people that.

[B]

It doesn't matter.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Like, everybody knows Woody Allen's a pedophile. Oh, he was on the island, you know.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I understand those things. So we get lied to. And again, I came here with a mother who was pro American. I was raised by a mother that if fucking, you know, she loved Kennedy. But if the Americans killed Kennedy, fuck it, so be it. You know, he fucking left the Cuban people with their dick in their hands for all that shit. I grew up with somebody who said when I was 18, they were going to throw me in the fucking Marines because of what the country did to them to take them in. So I'm not coming at you motherfuckers like some commie or some fucking idiot. I'm coming at you from a criminal perspective. I'm not coming at you from a fucking. A voting perspective or who I'm trying to. I'm coming at you as a fucking criminal, okay?

[B]

A lifelong criminal.

[A]

That chick was not a criminal. She fucked up, and she did not deserve to get shot in the face. Listen, the size of that gun. There was no face left. There's no face left, bro. There was nothing. There was like a little stem and like a piece of her tongue. Everything else was fucking gone. And you're gonna, and you're gonna, you know, go home. And then tell me, tell my faith. Tell me we're gonna investigate. Kind of been shady. And I turn off the TV and go, wow, America's really America. Still. I'm a Cuban dude, dog. So I take this shit more seriously than any of you motherfuckers that were born here. I look at this and go, because when I came here, this was a hero. Elvis was a hero, you know, Nixon was a hero. Those people, I looked at them as God when I was growing up, you know, and little by little you just get smacked in the face. So now 30 years later, after I've got a thousand fucking scars on my face from taking coke rocks out of there at four in the morning and all this shit, you're gonna tell me there was our own government that was bringing the fucking coke in. So now you're gonna tell us 50 years later that the president, who America loved and the whole thing, our own government fucking shot him. So we've been getting lied to and.

[B]

It'S okay, but that's my. Was exactly what I was gonna ask you. Like do you think they like America used to do, like they used to do the right thing or they just used to be better at lying to us?

[A]

They were better at lying to us.

[B]

Like it felt good to be lying to us.

[A]

The problem is now everybody lies to you.

[B]

I don't think they lie anymore. Well, they're lying, but they're just saying.

[A]

What they tell you news is, is not fucking news. You return the news and you're like, this ain't got no. I want to see the kid who got hit by a bus. What is this shit? You know a guy saves eight cats? This ain't news. Forget. If you put the New Jersey news on like New Jersey 12 and they got the same stories from three days ago, you know, not much happens. Yeah, like nothing. The other night two kids shot somebody in my neighborhood. A 14 year old in Sayeterville.

[B]

There's so much on TV, why do you want. Nevermind.

[A]

No, no, listen. At night before I go upstairs, I take my medication, my nappy noon medication, okay? And I put on New Jersey 12 because it gives me the weather. Got it. And I, I know what to expect in the morning, which is all bullshit, but at least you know, I know the weather. At 5:30 when I open my curtain, it's Cold.

[B]

Fuck that shit.

[A]

At 5:30, dog, it's dark and cold. Some nights I get the coffee and I just go outside for three minutes and the coffee's steaming and I'm out there not even shaking. It feels kind of good for about a minute and a half. And then you're like, okay, I've had enough of this shit. When you go in, as you're walking down the stairs, your hand touches the pants and you're like, God damn, it's cold out there. Or your pants hit your leg and you're like, oh, my God, what the fuck was I thinking? Listen, there's gonna be people that are happy, and there's gonna be people upset with me about saying these things. And I'm fine with it. To say, you know, I don't pop off about a lot of shit. I never do pop off about anything because I don't want the podcast and all that shit. And listen, I don't want you to upset nobody. But I'm talking to you guys as a criminal, not as whatever American who, you know, gets up in the morning and salutes the flag. I do that too, in my heart. But you're talking to somebody who really respects. I never blame the cop. In all my years, George, I blame a cop. I did what I did. I made the choices. I did. They did their fucking job and that's what they're supposed to do. And shame on them for not putting me under the fucking jail when they had me. You know what I'm saying? Shame on them, but put me under the jail so. Because I've been on that side of the coin, dog, I've seen a lot of shit grow. Now, to me, that looked like stone cold murder. And it's our government getting a little bit more comfortable with comfortable.

[B]

But here, like, the other part of it is like, you know, she was a parent and it was Mercy's birthday last week. And I think you're right. I think, like, when you said, it's like, couldn't you have shot the time? Like, shooting people used to be something that, like, was like the last resort. And it seems I'm. I'm desensitized to it. Like, when. When you're talking. When you were talking about the news, it's like there's a new. There's. I hear about a new shooting every 20 minutes.

[A]

Yeah, you don't even care. You're watching the sports and all of a sudden you're about to score. Hold on, we got breaking news. A priest has been run over by A car in Brooklyn. Details are 11. Listen, all right, move over. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I got 20 on the game. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Honest to God. I'm gonna tell you what bothered me, just letting you. Yeah. And I'm not gonna talk about voting or ice, what anybody did wrong. I'm gonna tell you something. When I got in trouble, I did not get in trouble because somebody got hurt. Everybody knew the people involved. Number two, I did not cop to it. I would not cop to it because I thought it was cool. I don't know what happened, but. Okay, but at the same time. Was I saying you were.

[B]

You're not going to blame anybody, but.

[A]

You can't blame anybody for. I can't blame somebody for my mistakes or whatever. Right. But I gotta tell you, man, it's just something about that. When he came on, just seethed me. It just seethed me that he was lying to my face. I felt like I was getting lied to. And the energy was weird. He should have came out with more of a smile on his face and broke down the situation. And I know the ICE people get. You know, all of a sudden, they started blowing statistics up about how many threats they get and all this other shit. We wanted. Listen, anybody who came over that border when the President was there, that retard. Fucking. Yeah, we want Those takeouts, those three AGUAs and all those fucking people. But at the same time, listen, you can't scare white people right now. White people who are very nice white people are fucking petrified. And to add to this, I don't know if you read or you see it. ICE makes mistakes. ICE makes mistakes. And I'm not this. You know, I talk about this on stage as a joke, but in reality, Diaz, they got 20 of these motherfuckers and all of them are criminals. You know, I'm pulling out of my house one day, ICE pulls up, my wife comes out and they shoot her in that. God forbid, you never dream of this shit, but it's called the potential for violence, okay? There's a potential for violence. If Nick comes down here and threatens me and he says, I want my $2,000, and then he pulls the fucking stick out, and for some reason, a bat bites him in the neck. And I call the cops, they're going to arrest him for having that weapon, but through the court process, they're going to with him because of potential for violence. You went down there with a stick. You wouldn't go down there with a stick because you want to make chicken cacciatore. You went down and hit him in the head with a fucking stick. What could have happened? Now, let's say you did hit me, but I blocked it and I still got stitches or something like that. Oh, forget it. Now they're really reaming. But what if you got a brain skull? He didn't. But let's say he did the slips and now you're done. Now they got you on that charge. Do you follow him saying to you. So it's all this shit to me was like, I don't pay attention to a lot of stuff. I do pay attention to law stuff. I'm not going to lie to anybody. Like, I pay attention. Like, I can't wait for this Mangini trial to start.

[B]

Oh, Mangioni.

[A]

Yeah. Like I don't care about when Johnny Depp fought the whore and she shit on his bed. That's not. That's not. That's not. That's not justice.

[B]

You're going to watch this case.

[A]

White stupidity. But I'm not. It's not like I'm going to watch it every day, Lee. But I want to take little things, like when O.J. killed his wife. There was nobody in the world I wanted to kill more at that time, but my wife, okay? So every day I watched the O.J. trial, like, taking notes, you know what I'm saying? Like, defenses and you know. Cause it had my feelings connected with OJ throughout this whole thing, right? You couldn't talk to me about O.J. 30 years ago after the O.J. thing, like, all you had to say was like, joey, what do you think about the OJ thing? He was paying 24,000amonth. If I pay you 24,000, fuck you in the ass, whatever the fuck I want. That was where my manhead was then. And I'm honest to say this, when I was 32, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm paying you 24,000amonth, and you don't want me in the house. I don't know what type of Cuban you think you're dealing with. 24,000. I'm dropping in. I'm going to get him off you and fuck you in front of him, and then come on your face and go cash the check next month and walk out. That's what I'm going to. But that was my. That was my mentality back then, right? Now, you look at it and you hear all the fucking things, and you know, OJ killed it. It was LAPD that fucking dropped the ball, you know? What? I'm saying, it was LAPD that dropped the fucking ball. So.

[B]

So why. Why can't you wait for angioni?

[A]

I want to see how they're going to defend him. I want to see who shows up to defend them.

[B]

Like that. What's your lawyer?

[A]

He's not going to have a lawyer. It's going to be lawyers, plural.

[B]

Who's paying for it? Is it like a. Like, public defender? You think there's gonna be, like, a badass lawyer? No, I haven't.

[A]

I. People donated to him. But the same people were paying this. These people to protest. Did you see how much they pay these people?

[B]

They pay. People protest. They're like. That's a real. I've heard. I heard. I thought that was a conspiracy theory.

[A]

No, they pay people to start shit.

[B]

Oh, damn.

[A]

It doesn't. It doesn't. Yeah, but fucking. It's going to be interesting because you look at the defense trial, and they're going to be trial. That's 100,000 a day. That's no fucking gofundme. That gofundme. If they got 3 million, that goes in fucking two weeks.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

That's two weeks plus preparation. Plus you gotta bring specialists in. And where he got. There's 22 psychiatrists coming in, you know, because they want to hear, I went for my tooth to get filled and insurance didn't cover it. I was over my right pay premium, whatever the fuck that is. What is that? The. Who knows? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[B]

Okay, so. So. But because you wanted to be a lawyer. So that's why I like legal stuff every time I like legal stuff. Yeah.

[A]

So to me, this was right in my alley. I got. And I'm a criminal. And I know the excuses, and I know all this shit. The police training. After the last five or six years of the police getting attacked and all the funding police, A lot of these departments had to do retraining on people like this. Yeah. They had to prepare for riots, which means you're going to say things to me, and I have to block them out. I have to think about my daughter. Or think about a fun. Think about a fun time you had. Listen, I'm getting stabbed by 18 Puerto Ricans. You know, I'm saying, what fun time that I have. Right? So.

[B]

But it's fucked up for the. Like, it's the other. Like with ICE specifically, like, aren't they offering, like, 50, $100,000 bonuses and people are getting hired? Like, can you imagine like if you. When you were so angry, if someone was offering you a good money, a government job and. And an extra hundred thousand dollars and you got to beat people up. Like that's not going to attract the best people all the time.

[A]

Listen, even I was angry. I was a little bit on the human side, right? Okay. It's a little bit like, listen, again, I didn't want to get into this part of it, okay? But while we're here, go. If I raped somebody in Nicaragua and you're ice, and you call me and go, joey, what's the tactic? There ain't no tactic. There ain't no tactic. I want you to go through the fucking wall. I want him to have 35,000 stitches by the time he gets to the fucking jail, right? And then just slice his throat, but keep him alive so he has to do the time all fucked up. Cut his hand off something, right? You know. You know I'm a demented motherfucker, of course. What are we talking about?

[B]

To be honest, I'm not sure.

[A]

Me neither. I forgot.

[B]

Fuck it.

[A]

But, yeah, you're going for it.

[B]

Yeah. It is getting crazy out there.

[A]

It's very fucking crazy out there. So you see this? And again, I don't know. Okay, we're talking about. Then there's the guy that moved to Los Angeles and met Maria, and she worked sewing and cleaning houses. And he got a job working for a company as a janitor. And things evolved and they had three kids. Then they opened up a taco place. The taco place been open 24 years. He's been here 38 years. And now you want to pull him out by a gun in front of his family because he's illegal in my world. That guy made a life here. Go over, give him a summons, but don't treat that man like that. He's honestly become an American. Everybody in the Record, everybody in the neighborhood comes in to see Jose for a taco every day, no matter what nationality you are. And they. You know what I'm saying? Like, there was little things, but again, I'm not a judge. I don't know what the fuck they did, but to come into neighborhoods and pull people out of cars. Dog, dog.

[B]

It seems like a movie almost.

[A]

It's a movie. It's just something that. It's a message, okay? And I love messages. I love that. Look at these idiots in New York are calling to impeach the hot chick with the fucking earrings. Yeah, whatever the fucking name is. That chick. She's the meanest person in the world, like, if you fucked her, hell have no fury. She'll get you somewhere, you know. But that's not the issue here, you know, These are the problems I had. And again, I'm not blaming a political. I'm not saying that Spanish people are good or not good. I'm just giving it to you from a criminal. Fucking take what I saw last week. That was number one. And number two, what was criminal last night that I saw? I went out to dinner, I came home, my wife and I were gonna watch something and I wanted to see the girl Nikki, okay? And I put the thing on. Golden Globes. Thank you. And I put the fucking thing on and I told Nick male performer was gonna come on best male actor. And I go, nick, this is the best because. And he'll tell you. I go, it's going to be Seth Rogen because he's going to take that award. He's going to walk into the back, dog, and two guys tap you and you go behind a curtain and there's a little room and there's eight fucking old school Jews with mask on. One with a Hitler mask, the other one with a Mussolini mask. And you just know you got to bend over, suck all their dicks and they're fucking in the ass with that old Jew dick. And then you pull up your pants, you go out there with the golden Grammy, whatever the fuck it is, and you're so fucking happy, you know what I'm saying? Like, and people don't know you just sucked eight dicks, Soldier soul, eight times to the same people Tom Cruise told to themselves and Eyes Wide Shuth Rogen.

[B]

You think it's that important?

[A]

Please. There's another fucking world that looms there. I got that poor John Cena coming out with a dress that those Jews are cold blooded, dog. But this is not what I want to talk to you about.

[B]

That has to be the name of the episode.

[A]

I think they did something that was so again, you could just lie to the American public so fucking long, okay? They did a Golden Globe for a fucking podcast. Who won? Which, listen, I got no beef with, but you know what? Whatever you feel about them. And again, I'm not a cheerleader for anybody, but again, you just state the facts. You try to state the facts and it's an opinion on your end. I'm looking at this and I'm like, first off, I knew who the top who before they named them. I knew three of the podcasts that we had nominated for, okay, back Shepard, the chick from the Office the blonde.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And there was another one I knew. Oh, the dude who's an actor. And then he became a podcaster with two other movie stars.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Because I read the article by his wife saying that he making so much money now he doesn't have to act anymore. He could stay home and be a dad. So I knew three of those were gonna get nominated. I didn't even know about this nomination shit. I thought it would be at least Jre and call me Daddy.

[B]

Call her Daddy.

[A]

Yeah, call her Daddy was nominated. But I'm watching these guys and it's like. It's like winning defensive player of the year. And Lawrence Taylor got more votes than you did and did doubling you. They got suspended for doing blow. And you got to actually go up there and go, yeah, I did it. No, you didn't do shit. Lawrence Taylor got high. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I felt like we know who put this blueprint together. I know who put this blueprint together. And you know what? And I appreciate what you guys did. You guys came, took that blueprint and changed it around. The one podcast is three couches. And they just sit there, one guy in the middle, and listen. It works. It's not a podcast. It's a live entertainment podcast, which we used to be. We're not live anymore. We can't smoke dope. We can't light ourselves on fire. We can't smoke fucking A hash under a pipe. They suspend you. They don't let you play the episodes. So that's been taken away from us. Again, I'm not crying. I'm trying to take the topic back to last night, but even Theo Vaughn. Even Theo fucking Vaughn. Even Theo Vaughn, who I think had the best fucking last two years in podcasting, honestly.

[B]

Yeah, hard to argue against it.

[A]

Honestly. Honest to God, he had two really good years. Forget the political people. Just. He had really two years. You couldn't put him in there. Something. But they decided to play, like, this snooty thing. And I bet Mark Rufal had a button on to. You know, he had a button for Jre. Like, please, he's horrible. Because he hates Rogan, too. Well, don't.

[B]

And this is something I don't think a lot of people know, and I'm not even sure I fully understand it. But, like, when you see someone, like, get as up for, like, I always used to see it in LA for your consideration. Don't like the. The studios or whatever, like, basically wine and dine and like, campaign for their whatever to Win. So, like, I bet these people probably spent money to get nominated for the Golden Globe. It's not like. It's not like there was like an actual team of judges.

[A]

I know you picked this up when you lived there. And people don't understand this at home. They never will when they think that you're hating, as they call. Oh, well, Joey's hating. I'm not hating on nobody. I'm just stating a fact for you motherfuckers. Okay? There's certain people in Hollywood which I will not name. They gave up 10 years ago. And I'll tell you why they gave up. Because every year two people gave him a big check. Not because of the talent that they were now, but the talent they were then. Okay, happens with me, but I'm not. I have to leave the house. The difference between my check is I gotta leave the house and do something. That check gets sent to the house, and in a year we'll have a writer come to the house and he'll figure out your story. And that year never comes because the deal only holds you for a year. But they have to have tax write offs. So they sit there on the 30th and they go, all right, pick three Spanish kids. We don't know three Spanish kids. Oh, how about George Kaladinsky? Check it out, his mother's Panamanian. George just qualified for $250,000. Some lady still goes, oh, my God, I love George. One of those women. And it gets tossed to George. And they do that with a lot of people. Now people are going to get this the wrong way. I'm not saying this. Amy Poehler does nothing wrong in Hollywood. Her and the other chick do nothing wrong. Tina Fey, listen, they could pull up on you. Fucking shave their pussy on camera. Take the joke out of their snatch. Read it to you, dog. Oh, my God, her vagina. The way it moved. It just. And I'm not dog. I'm not hating her. I love those two girls, right? But let's face it, every project that they have now, they'll call those two first. And it's one of those things. If it goes, it goes. If it doesn't, just keep the check. And it's like a $3 million check. They split it, you know, and there's a lot of other people like that in Hollywood. They haven't done much, but people like them, they're safe. They're not going to say nothing wrong, you know, they're not going to go up there and say something, you know, or act bad and then you got. Oh, my God. I read something a couple weeks ago where Cher called out Kristen Dunst about Dax Shepard. Like, if you. I cannot believe you're married to that fucking moron. Really? Yeah.

[B]

What did Dax do? To share.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

What did Dax do?

[A]

I don't know, but in my. I've known him for a long time. He married her, shot some steroids and got some tattoos, and all of a sudden he's the number three podcast in America. You know, I know him since Renazizi. And all those guys on that show fucking they did with Theo and all those guys, he didn't have a tattoo. He didn't have anything. He was. He looked like a fucking scarecrow. He was so skinny, like an X ray. All of a sudden, he pops out with muscles bigger than Arnold. And does he really? I I tools and a shaved head. Since when? When did this happen? And you know, so we're buying again. That's a complete different fucking argument, which we'll get into some other time. But that's what I saw last. I listened, I turned it off, I watched. I watched. I don't even. I don't know how long that football game. No, we watched Landman, okay? Nick left, and we watched Landman and we watched something else till 11. That was it. But, you know, there's no reason for me to. But not living there now and watching that and seeing, like, the jokes from last night and, you know, it's just like I see right through it now. I saw behind the curtain. Been there, done this, you know, I remember living in LA and going, man, I wish I went to the Golden Globes. Now I'm like, thank God. Because I would have left depressed, because as soon as I walk in there, they're gonna let you know, you don't belong here. Hey, how you doing? And they're talking to other people. They got sunglasses on now, you know, they're talking to directors and giggling at their jokes. So I don't need that in my life. I'm so happy.

[B]

Did not have to do that stuff.

[A]

Yeah. That's why you gotta be grateful for what you have and what you don't have. And people looking at me go, oh, Joey, you would go, trust me, I wouldn't know how to act that. One of those things. If I had to sit at those tables and laugh at that shit. I'd rather be tortured in Venezuela, okay? I'd rather you torture me to death. In vow. I'll call whatever, send me to Venezuela. I want to be one of those Americans that's going to get tortured this week. Before you ever see them, they got to sit there and go.

[B]

Do you think they practice?

[A]

Oh, a lot of those fake. You know, they're at home practicing with makeup on, makeup off. How does it look when I laugh with the earring? Should I put it in my nose? Should I put it in my eyeball to get more effect, you know? Jesus.

[B]

Not like that. Now. The. The comedian in me wants you to get, like, a really important acting role and, like, be forced to go, who you, dog?

[A]

I would never go.

[B]

There's no way. Like, even if it was like, another De Niro movie and he was like.

[A]

You'Ve been around me alone. There's no more De Niro movies. And I love. I love them. I'm a big fan. I always will be. But De Niro ain't got no movies left in them, neither do a lot of people.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

So I'm okay at living in Jersey. I'm okay not going those things anymore, dog. I have not heard from the girl from the Sopranos now in a year and a half because they invited me to four events. And I showed up to not want them.

[B]

Not even. And so they just stopped asking.

[A]

I haven't heard from her, and I have to call and apologize and tell her that I was going through psychotic moments or something.

[B]

I don't know if you should tell people, then just call it up. I was going through a psychotic episode.

[A]

I told my wife that one of my favorite jokes became my world. And it's not even that anymore. It's not even that. I think it's some form of negativity or something like that. Even though I read that book every January, I can't get rid of that. I'm sorry. I cannot get rid of it. I've tried. If I could talk to somebody about it, I would. Bill Hicks. My favorite joke of all time. People say marijuana makes you lazy. It doesn't. It just makes you realize what you're going to do ain't worth doing. And that is so true in my fucking world. And again, take the marijuana away. Just me sitting in front of the computer with a pen and a piece of paper, and I'm trying to write a joke or I'm trying to journal. And I think about, I gotta get in the car now, drive to Cliffside fucking Park. And right now I'm done right there at 7. AM I'm not supposed to be there till 10, but. And I'm not even high. I'm not saying that I even get high. I'm just saying that there's days I wake up and I go, there's days I wake up and I'm going to Jiu Jitsu. But I'm so wired, I can't wait till 12. So I got to go box at 10. Then I'm too sore to go at 12 to fucking Jiu Jitsu. Do you know I'm saying, like, there's some days I'm ready to fucking go. Like, I ain't waiting till 12 to fucking do Jiu Jitsu. I'm going to go fucking box and I'll shoot down there at 9:45. So when the class is empty, I go in there, I go in the back and I do what I need to do. I talk to the fucking people for an hour and I get the fuck out. I get my social and I get some exercise. You follow me? But there's some days I'm like. Like today I had service at 7:45am I slept right through that motherfucker. What service had a service? My car.

[B]

Oh, okay. I thought you were talking. I think I'm going to church.

[A]

I had to call him and lie and say I got diarrhea last night.

[B]

Oh, I love doing that dog.

[A]

I slept right through. I got up, I had three text messages. Mr. Diaz, we're expecting your 428, whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. I slept right through Italy. I got up, I'm like, well, I ain't making that today.

[B]

What was your excuse?

[A]

I call. I know the girl, the one girl in service. I called her and I go, listen, it was a long weekend. She goes, I get a lot of people canceled on Monday, okay? I don't feel too bad, so I'm gonna put it in there. Next Monday?

[B]

Yeah, I thought you meant like you get came up with like a. I had a real rough. I'm so sorry my meetings ran late.

[A]

And Not Doug, but I'm getting into that thing again where I'm getting up early, okay? Then I do my shit and I got to go back to bed. At 6:37, I wait for Mercy to leave. As soon as she kisses me and we talk for two minutes, game is over right there. I know where the 10 o' clock is going to get canceled. I'll tell you why. Because I'm going to sleep through it. Or you have to assume I'm going to get up at 9:30 and go, 10 o'. Clock. I'm never gonna make it because I got a process.

[B]

What's your process?

[A]

I drink my coffee, I gotta meditate and it's even after the morning process.

[B]

Now is that just because it's like something that's not that important? Because me knowing you, you don't seem like the kind of person who's like, listen, I. No matter what it is, I have to drink my coffee because like if I wake up and I'm late, I'll just go. I don't drink coffee.

[A]

But like out of respect from my brother George, there was a time I drink the coffee, but George, he don't leave the house until he gets his coffee. And if George could do it, so could I. And I don't do two, I do one in the morning and then I'm good for the day. And I could sleep on that cup of coffee. I could drink a full cup of coffee at 6 and by 7:15 I gotta hit the crib. Done, nappy noo time.

[B]

It doesn't really fully get. But the second one gets you.

[A]

The second one don't do dick. It could be coffee or a schnapple iced tea.

[B]

I don't drink. I've started drinking espresso a little bit. I do espresso like it's a shot now because I don't like coffee.

[A]

But you will, you will. Not right now, but you will, you will. I didn't like it either. And one day when I was 30 some I started drinking on a triple run because I had like A$50 and coffee was free. And I'm like, I might as well see what this coffee's about and shit. See if that shit fills you up.

[B]

How much weight did you gain when you started drinking coffee? Because that's like one of the huge reasons I haven't gotten into it is because, yeah, the calories, because I'm definitely putting milk.

[A]

You drink black coffee, you're good. Black coffee's the shit. I'll tell you what else is the. Which I haven't gotten in six years.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

A flat white from Starbucks that.

[B]

Remember there was like six months, you were up until three or four in the morning because you kept stopping on the way home from the coffee store.

[A]

Listen, the flat white dog. I've been addicted to everything. I don't sit here, just lay judgment because I'm some fucking kid who went to four years of college and the neuro mind. No, I'll tell you about shit you haven't heard before. At my worst, okay, Tuesdays was pizza night. I always took them with me on Tuesdays we stopped, we double parked, we didn't give a fuck. We went to Joe's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right or wrong.

[B]

Once Joe's open.

[A]

Yeah, Wednesday was always open. So if I went to the store Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, my goal was to get out of there, to make the midnight Starbucks. They had a Starbucks that closed at midnight around the corner from my house. A fucking drive through, dog. You get there at 10 to 12, it's a bunch of limo drivers getting fucking gallons. They're getting their coolers filled. And I would sit there and get the tallest black, white, El, big grande, whatever The.

[B]

The Venti or the Trenta or something.

[A]

Biggest one, the Grande.

[B]

Monday, the Grande is the smallest one, but the biggest one is like 20 or 30.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it was the 31.

[B]

Damn. The Trent.

[A]

I go. I chipped the top, put the lid on it.

[B]

You drink a Trent. I didn't know that. I didn't know you're drinking that. That's 30 ounces, dog.

[A]

That's three sodas at midnight. And I go home and put sugar, dog. You have no idea. And then I'd be popping Xanaxes and writing and shit. And then I wake up the next morning and I ordered, like, a boat. I ordered fl. I emailed my girlfriend from high school and apologized for stealing her flowers. I'm like, what the fuck?

[B]

Jesus, dude.

[A]

I was drinking a flat white three two nights a week and bouncing. George. George. Cause I was a crazy comedian.

[B]

I want to see how many milligrams of caffeine is in there.

[A]

This?

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

George. I was crazy. I was crazy. And I'm eating Xanax and eating edibles. 2000. 3000 milligrams. I'm drinking a Grande at midnight. I'd be bouncing Jack by three in the morning. I'd be starving. Starving. I'd eat. Guys, you had no idea what I went through. You have no idea. Nobody else.

[B]

I. I'm not even looking at the calories. They're saying it's at least 300 milligrams of caffeine. And it says, at Trenta, flat whites are usually made with espresso shots in smaller quantities. So a Trenta would require many extra shots, significantly boosting caffeine.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not just drinking espressos that flat white. At midnight. I'm going home to rock. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Why would you bring yourself all the way up with the coffees and then all the way down with the Xanax?

[A]

Because I convinced myself that it would help me ride or be like Henry Kerouac. Or one of those fucking people. I don't know why. I don't know why. Lee, I'm fucking crazy. So I would call you when I got home with the 12. What are you doing? I'm sitting here. Hi. I laugh and I hang up on him. And then I drink a couple sips of coffee and I go into the fucking back room and start with the fucking pipe. And I was this crazy, guys in those days, like, I had good edibles, but George would bring me this. I would get so hungry that I would eat the edibles as like a fucking.

[B]

That used to blow my mind when you would do that.

[A]

I would eat like a bag of 800 that had like 800 milligrams or something. It was a whole bag. I would eat the whole thing at 2 in the morning, guys. And then to fall asleep, I'd pop fucking three or four Xanaxes, one every ten minutes, the little footballs. And I'd sit there like fucking, you know, I'd crawl into bed at night and I don't know when I wake. And then I'd wake up, dog. It'd be four. But this is for somebody who gets up at lunch or two. That didn't happen in my world. I Woke up at 7. So that first hour, do you know what? I was in hell. You don't know where you're at. You just walk out. Terry would talk to me and I'd go, not now. And I'd just get a cup of coffee and I'd drink. Like in those days, I would drink two cups of American coffee, black, with sweetener. And I would pop two espressos for breakfast, maybe three. Damn, that was my morning before I went in the shower. Then I'd do all the methadone they do in the back. Smoking token. And then I fucking come out, eat breakfast, and I'd hit that fucking thing again. I was unstoppable. That's why I wasn't lying on Theo's podcast. Somebody was going to die. I didn't cancel this podcast because I was moving. I canceled this podcast because either you or I were going to die. That is from the bottom of my heart. And I was not going to go to Boston and tell John Wayne you fucking died. Fucking, eating, fucking 2800 MG. And you went home, made a milkshake and had fucking other shit in it. I just refused. And I knew it was going to happen. When you're us old and you've seen how life works, you see it coming. You see it Coming, Lee. We did ketamine at the end, a little. I would never in my whole life even go, you bring that in here, you give it to me, but please don't give it to Lee. I was like, give it to Lee. I watched Lee. I made sure he didn't do the amounts I was doing. But I'm like, give it to Lee because we're getting fucked up. Whatever you show up with, it was before we knew.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't.

[A]

I didn't know what. I didn't even. Till today. I don't care if it's all. If you got a lollipop, give me two. I want to drool. I'm at an age where I want to drool now. Enough with the. Or whatever.

[B]

I barely did any. Like, I. I honestly didn't. Because you told the story on. I think it was on Rogan, and I think they did a cartoon about it. And like, you had. You said you got up. I. I barely. I honestly don't. It's like the first time you smoke weed when nothing really happens. It, like, it felt a little weird, I guess. But I didn't, like, I didn't have any of, like, the hallucinations or stuff that you did.

[A]

What?

[B]

When? With the ketamine.

[A]

Oh, no, no. I didn't have hallucinations until I started watching the TV show with my wife. And the black guy's head started going up and down, up and down.

[B]

That's an hallucination. I didn't have any of those.

[A]

I was fucking sweating. It was not good. But. No, no, I'm lying to you. When I put my left foot out of the car when I got to the garage, and I'm like, what the fuck? I'll never forget opening up my car door, like really slowly and then putting my foot down. And my foot wouldn't stop.

[B]

Oh, that happened to me at that cousins.

[A]

My foot wouldn't stop, Wouldn't stop. I'm like, when is it gonna hit land? And it finally hit land. And I'm like, I don't even. Should I step? And I'm looking around. I'm looking around in my yard. It's fucking 12:15 at night. And I'm looking around and shit. I closed the door. I'm stumbling. It was no fucking joke. When I got in my room, I was fucked up. I had to take my shirt off, fucking get water. And she's up 365 days. I get home, she passed out at 9, 30, 10 this night. I walk in at midnight and there she Is. Hi, honey. I waited up for you, you mother. And I'm sitting in my office, sweating, guys. It's coming out of my palms. I remember touching, like, the computer, and it wouldn't click because my fingers. I was fucking dying. And I finally go, you know what? Let me go out there before she comes in here. I sat next to her. She's watching True Blood. No, the one about every season they put two new cops on there. They did one with Woody Harrelson. Oh, whatever that's called. And it was. And it was a season with the black dude from Green Book.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And the white dude from Blade.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. No, it's a good series, but it's.

[B]

Not Fargo, is it? Or it's. No, no, no, no. I know what I. True Crime.

[A]

True crime. Something like that. Whatever the fuck it is. And that was the night. And I had to tell her, you gotta turn. Take this off. And she's like, what's going on with you? I gotta take this off.

[B]

I love doing that.

[A]

The fucking black dude's head keeps getting bigger and bigger.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

But back to what I was saying again. I don't want anybody at home to think I'm talking from Haiti. I'm not. I just thought that. I don't know. I don't even know why they have a podcast category. I mean, listen, if you think I'm sitting here going, we should have gotten nominated. No, we shouldn't have. There's no way we would have gotten some nominations.

[B]

Listen, not on the Golden Globes.

[A]

No, no. I don't want to even go there right now. I just want to have fun.

[B]

That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But craziest episodes, you know, I don't.

[A]

Even think half the people got nominated. Well, like, what's this about? Like, I need this in my life now. And, yeah, the numbers will go up today maybe a little bit. You know, more people.

[B]

Oh, and they'll make more money.

[A]

It's the Gentiles. Yeah, it's the Gentiles. It's. Gentiles are going to buy, right? Oh, it's so. The conversations are so erotic. Whatever the. They say.

[B]

But it's like, I was. I had a talk with some people today about this, and I'm not taking. Those are great podcasts. I get millions of listeners, so they're doing a great job. But it's just different than when I fell in love with podcasts and found you in the podcast that we had. When you listen to these podcasts, like, they're scripted there's meetings, there's teams of people. The podcast that we had were just really fun and just hanging out, and it's like there was. There was no editing. It was posted within hours of it going, of it being recorded. It was like a real. A real, like, kind of, like, zoom into, like, our lives. And. And that's why, like, I. I fell in love with podcasts. That's. That's what the early Rogans were like. The early Rogans were the most fun I'd ever had, ever heard. Like, the. When it. Like the Fleshlight days of that podcast, when you guys didn't even really understand what was happening. Like, when I found you, those were the most. You're listening to it, like, what the. Is happening. Like. Like, people are allowed to say this. People allowed to. And it was so funny and so.

[A]

Unique.

[B]

And now it's, like, event. Like you've been saying for a while, there's gonna be something new after podcast, and there will be, because a lot of this stuff is now. It's sort of like just very generic now.

[A]

Listen, man, a couple weeks ago, we were fucking around here and we sat around and we watched old podcasts, like us with Theo, I think, and Ralphie. And I'm gonna tell you guys something right off the bat. Listen. A lot of people went to acting class. A lot of people took drama in high school. For me, this was fucking going into something with your eyes closed, you know, and to scroll through the channels at night and see the longest yard every night. The other night, it was on bet. Like, come on, man. Like, they have it everywhere. Cnn, they have it everywhere. Okay? I was very lucky and fortunate. Thank God I had balls. Thank God I was comfortable with the people I was around. And the other night, I watched Grudge Match. It's been on Paramount plus lately. Yeah, it's been on, like, 10 times. And I turned it on when he walks in and he goes, are you my coach? It looks like you ain't my coach and all that shit. And I looked at that and I'm like, okay, I could live with that, you know? And then I watched, like, the Ari Shafir things, and there's, like, two of those. And I look at and go, holy fuck. I was on a different fucking level. People will never understand what level I was on. Those two nights. Those two nights were about a story and me making ahrii proud, because ahrii fought hard to get me in front of Comedy Central. So it was about more than anybody thought. And I look at Those two things now. And I go, wow, I really enjoy those two. That's good work. But when I left here that Monday night after watching our podcast, that was a rough ride home. Like, I was like, we didn't have a clue what we were doing. Like, there wasn't a clue. We just got two microphones, three microphones, and decided, lee, we're gonna get high every night. That's gonna be our approach.

[B]

I think you decided then.

[A]

So we can't take it no more. And it got. And it just took off. I was thinking about the time we went to San Diego and they gave us the bag of cookies. And you were like, wait a second. You took those cookies from. You don't even know them. And I'm like, listen, they're gonna get us fucked up. You know? Like, just. There were so many things that I don't. I'm so old, I fucking forget them. But some night somebody's gonna say, come and tell us about. And you gotta tell them about the night we got so high. We got to San Diego and we got lost.

[B]

Oh, dude.

[A]

And that's the night we pulled over and I said something to you about when a chick sucks your dick, you have to make him suck your dick.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And swallow. And then you have to punch him in the stomach and make them puke to come.

[B]

And then it was like a sex move.

[A]

Oh, my God. And we were fucking. Like, I was almost dying. Like, these are things that it was like. I have stories about Seattle being an open MICR, not having any money, getting 50 bucks and going to McLolly and whatever that fucking place is, where we used to go get the happy hour in Seattle. Living on Mark Madison's floor and his dog with shit. You know, these are all part of stand up. But I could say that I did the same, because when we started podcasting, it was 100 an episode. It was the sex people, right? Maybe Adam and Eve, Adam and evil. But all those dog. I was thinking about the time we're driving in room 405 traffic, and all of a sudden, the guy comes up and he's got a patch on his eye.

[B]

That's the best Instagram I've ever had.

[A]

Oh, my God. God. Like, and this is what I was writing in my journal the other day when I was talking about how I up and I go, you know what? To live life is to learn life. It used to be nothing happens on that couch, right? Well, we moved it up to 2026.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

To live life. Like, to live fucking life Is to learn. It's not all gonna be good. It's everything. Listen, I wish. Well, I wrote a joke and. No, you're gonna write shit, Joey. You're gonna write shit as a comic. But if you don't try this shit, like, think about that. Think about. We'll do a whole podcast of it about in a year. Think about our first two years. Nobody. Three years, 2012 to 2015, nobody doing. There was a year I was reading ads. Like they would go like the ads for sneaker plus or 2124 and 2 8. I'd read them every day. You know what it is to do an ad and then go, oh, you're not getting paid for that. You learn. That's how you learn when you take money out of your pocket. You don't learn by making money. You do learn, but you learn more by cutting a picture short. And now you got to go back and break the fucking frame. You learn for the next time. I don't know what was going on. The lighting, you know, but to live life is to learn. And guess what? There's going to be more fuck ups than what there is going to be. I did it. You know what I'm saying? Like, we did it. No, but that podcast thing, I got to tap you in the back and that's why I got to apologize to you. And that's why I got to be grateful that we got to do that. Anybody did stand up. And we did stand up. And you know, I know what it is to fucking sleep on George's couch. And my ass crackers sticking out. Those are the poor days. And we had those. But for podcasting, dog, we were doing live podcasts. Nobody ever did a live podcast.

[B]

We did hundreds of live podcasts, Hundreds of them. And especially, it's not like we. It's not like we have like the current event podcast we were doing. We were going live like this, getting.

[A]

Fucked up, fucked up. Eating edibles in front of the audience, throwing edibles to the audience. We started with those fucking things from Denver, Remember? They gave me a fucking shit. A suitcase of what?

[B]

What? Gentle.

[A]

The fucking ones I used to fuck with you with.

[B]

Oh, the Cheap Chews.

[A]

I went to Denver to do a festival, dog, and these motherfuckers called my hotel room. They're like, joey, we're here from Cheap Chews. We have something for you. I told her they had like a baggie. They gave me a fucking duffel bag with all sizes. And I'm like, duh, what do you want to do with that. Take it back. I had to check it. And the next day, they're like, what's in there? Batteries.

[B]

Oh, my God. So that's what started the podcast.

[A]

That's what started the podcast. That bag was there for us to eat.

[B]

That was a big bag, apparently.

[A]

And then we just. We were doing this Sunday and listen podcast on Sunday. You were hungover till Tuesday.

[B]

Yeah, at least.

[A]

And then you were hungover till Tuesday.

[B]

We recorded Wednesday, and we recorded just.

[A]

When you got your wits up. I call them up at 3. Take your vitamins, Lee. Why? What are we doing? What ain't we doing? Three o'. Clock.

[B]

And the call started at six o'. Clock.

[A]

Yeah. What are we doing?

[B]

You used to wake me up with a picture of your shit at, like, seven in the morning. That would be the. And then immediately followed by a call. What do you think of that? And then it was like, in the beginning, dude, my people in my life would be like, what do you guys talk about? Because you would call me between seven and four, probably 15 times. Yeah, 10:15.

[A]

Like, like.

[B]

And, like, they wouldn't last more than 30 seconds. It wasn't like a long talk, but you would have, like, one thing you wanted to say or check in or. Or my favorite were, like, 10:30 in the morning. Like, you know what? We're gonna take it easy tonight. No edibles tonight. All right, 10:45. Yeah, no edibles tonight. Two o'. Clock. You should see what I got for us tonight. Like, it was every time you would always say, it's not gonna happen. And then it always. Then we're like.

[A]

It was very impromptu. It was completely. Listen, I learned it from even Joe. I went up to do Joe's, and they didn't tell me not to talk about anything. They said, let it go, Let it go. And I remember doing that podcast with Felicia, which I really like, but she wasn't letting me go. She was trying to keep it, you know, And I got it, but I was just steaming. I'm like, I can't keep doing this. Then I told the story about lighting the hooker on fire and all that shit, and she did not like it, though. She did not like it at all.

[B]

First of all, not the hooker, her wig.

[A]

A wig on fire.

[B]

That's a very different story. You want to go. You lighting a hook on fire? I might be on Felicia's side.

[A]

I remember a lot of things about life, like saying something and the look on somebody's face. The look on her face, dawg, I wish I had a camera. Cause I was just rapping the way I am with Lee. Fuck, yeah. And all of a sudden, I look over to see what she's doing. And she had tears in her eyes and her mouth was open. And I'm like, oh, my God, how to wrap it up? And she's like, joey, that's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. And I'm like, hey. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Holy. Yeah, but it's like, people. I don't think people. Would you tell that story now? Like, if you hadn't told that story, you might. But I don't think a lot of people would. And a lot of people were telling stories like that.

[A]

Or, you know, Lee, My logic was this. A friend of mine in Hollywood, in la, when I first got there, had, like, a website. I've never told this story. Maybe I told a variation of it. And one night. Thank you, brother. We were taught we had become friends and the whole thing. And it was about comedy and life or something. I still remember the kid's name, but I'm not gonna say it. Cause he lost his mind and moved to some other fucking state. I haven't seen him in, like, 20 years. But so me and the kid became tied to Comedy Store. This was the first thing I ever did, guys. And it wasn't positive. I did an interview with the guy. He took some pictures of me, you know, he asked me, are you from North Bergen? You know, he didn't know I was from North Bergen. He didn't know what North Bergen was, from what North Bergen was. He had no idea. I don't know where he was from, but he knew nothing about New Jersey. We start talking, and all of a sudden, thank you for interviewing me. I'm excited. I'm green as fuck at the Comedy Store, and this guy wants to interview me about my journey with comedy the last eight years. Well, he put it up. And that web was popular back then, like 98, 99. Around there, 2000. When I see him one day and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? And I go, what's up? He's like, listen, man, I put a thousand comics on there. This is before Longest Yard. This is before basketball. This is before any of that shit. It was around basketball. And he goes, I put that thing up of you. And people had, like, some comments, but you pissed some people off.

[B]

It was like your first interview. I've never heard about this.

[A]

I was just thinking about it. That's what got me a little confused at first. Cause I was already paranoid about going to la. CBS reached out. And then I thought about Tim Allen. He got arrested, but now he's on Disney. So at least if they come after me for a police record, I could always say, what about Tim Allen? Big complete differences. But I tried to get my anyway, and I go, what do you mean, like cops? And he goes, no, I got one from a guy in Boulder who said not to trust you. And I got a guy from somebody you grew up with in New Jersey who said you were really bad news or something else. Something like. It was something else. And I remember looking at him going, interesting. Not mad at anybody. I mean, the other night I was watching the Longest Yard, and I was thinking about when Adam called me in his office at Sony and he goes, I don't know who you pissed off, but read this. And he gave me a letter, and it was like, Dear Mr. Adam, you made a bad choice with Joey Diaz. Jesus, he's not Italian. And I saw all those 20 names that wrote it. I never said nothing to him. None of them. Except the one of them.

[B]

Oh, you knew them?

[A]

I knew them from auditions.

[B]

Oh, shit. It was other actors.

[A]

And these were all the guys that had eaten their lunches at different auditions. There was a time when those Italian auditions would come out and I'd walk in there with a pep in my fucking step, like a black dude. Like a limp. Like, yeah. And they'd say, what the. And then I talk Spanish in front of them to really piss them off. And then I booked the fucking job. And then I'd see him two weeks later, and they go, you booked that fucking job. Don't they know you're Spanish? And I go, here comes date. There were 20 fucking names on that longest yard list of people saying that I wasn't fucking Italian. That, bro.

[B]

I would have.

[A]

That's the mind of the minute human being that he's going to go, well, he got it. I'm fucking really Italian. I'm Two truths. What is that? Where they're always Neapolitan. They always got to tell you where they're from.

[B]

Oh, you're a real retard.

[A]

All right.

[B]

You know. You know, I would. I would give so much money to be able to see Adam's reaction to that letter like that.

[A]

He goes, look at. Read this. But my point is that when I got that podcast, me and Felicia were experimenting. And as I was doing that podcast with Felicia, I knew this was going to be a podcast. This was going to be my HBO Boxing, HBO After Dark. Like, they show this fucking dude and he's killing people. Then they go to his house, and he's got cats, he's got daughters, and he's making them farina for breakfast, and he's putting bows in their hair. Meanwhile, you hated this guy. You just saw him. And that's. That's human nature. People are going to look at you, I don't like this guy. But then you're going to hear something about him. Either you're going to hate him more or go, fuck, I didn't know. Let me check into this guy. He's a human being. He's not the monster that they're portraying you to be. So when we started doing the podcast, in the beginning, it was about me getting my criminal stories out there so they couldn't come back to me later. Get him out. Why are we fighting even? Drop the names. Not of everybody, but drop some names so you know they're talking about them. Get them out. Get them out before somebody goes, hey, when we were kids, he robbed the jewelry store. Da da da da. Episode 54. Sorry, now I know who you are. Now you made yourself look bad. Already talked about that in episode 54. But by the second year, became something else. That podcast, it became the Education of Lee. So through my stories, Lee would listen and sit there with his jaw dropped. You guys, really, like when I was driving up 88th street, and I swear to God, by that park, by the mouth, I still remember till this day, it was a Friday, about 9:45 at night, and there was a car that didn't even park right in the mouth of that park. Like, I'm just going out on a Friday night. I'm walking up that hill and I'm looking, and there's a car that's parked this way, okay? And it was the. All four doors were open and everybody around that car was eating. And I go, guys, what's going on here? I remember their faces, but I remember their names. I go, what's going on? They're like, rerob, the Chinese delivery dude, this is his car. Go come get some food. And I'm over there eating lo mein with them and shit. And I'm like, how'd you do it? And they're like, oh, we fucking wait till the delivery guy the wing Fong. Or they robbed some guy. I mean, they robbed a fucking Chinese delivery guy. They took the car, the cash and the food. One of those crazy motherfuckers from 88th Street Park. Who would believe that? Who would fucking believe that? I Just drove past it and I was giggling to myself going, oh, my God. I saw the fucking wire by Ligio's house the other day, the one I got stuck on. And I told you the story with the snow, it's still fucking there. My van got caught and I'm over there. Smoke's coming out of the tires and shit. So I wanted to get it out before I did get a TV show. And some motherfucker goes, go to see hr. And I go to hr and they're like, hey man, we're gonna have to scrap you off the show. Some guy said you kidnapped him 30 years ago and you went to prison. I got it out there. It started becoming that. I go to auditions and people would tell me, tell us how you kidnapped that dude. That's it. I got this role. They know me. They got referred by somebody who heard that story and said, you know what? Give them a second chance. So that was the point of that first podcast and it grew from there. That's why when you see these 28 year olds, we raised those motherfuckers. We did things that their parents couldn't do, their dads couldn't do. Their dad's absent, their fucking. The uncle, he went to jail. I got a thousand of those emails. I got a thousand. Whenever I find my Gmail, there's 200,000, like, sent. I don't even know how to get in there. There's people crying, listen, I didn't even know how to steal a car, thank you. You know, shit like that. But that was the point of that podcast. It was the education of Lee. Not by me schooling him, but by me saying something going. So how did you rob the guy's house? Well, me and George pulled up. George told me where the guy lived. I kicked down the door and I got the speakers. And a Social Security check for 200 bucks or an unemployment check for 200 bucks. That's what happened. And Lee would sit there, I guarantee the first three months he went home and he's like, these stories can't be fucking happening. They can't happen. This is ridiculous. And then other comics would come on and we talk and they. Ralphie may. And we. He'd talk about Veneeri or Hashways or, you know, well, you, me, way before.

[B]

The podcast even started. You took me here. Wait, like, it was one of the first things we did. I met George. Like. Like you took me here and like, we spend close to a year together. Before the pod, or a little. Actually, a little over a year. Because before the podcast started. So it wasn't. It would have been completely different if like you hired me as like a producer or something for the like just to go into that first day would have been up. Could you imagine? Let me be know what I was doing.

[A]

So how was I going to give you a job? Listen, I never forget when we picked him up at Times Square and I almost killed him. We gave him a joint when he got in the car. What do I do? What do I do? Smoke the joint. And people going, hey, Lee and Joey. And we're like, get out of the way.

[B]

No, dude, I remember this. So first of all, you were already in New York, right?

[A]

And then I was with George and me and George went and picked me up on point.

[B]

You were trying to convince me, like I took like an air train or something from JFK. I had my. I was like 22, 23. I had. You called me the director from Israel. I was never a director of anything. I. I was. I editor. But I. We rented gear. I had all this with me. I somehow got to Times Square, which by now thinking about. I don't know how I did that. And like, it's not like you pay. You pulled over to like this side of the street and like had your blinkers on waiting for me. Like you were like. I think I was in the crosswalk while the left. Yeah, well, like the left hand turn.

[A]

Thing was going fair training.

[B]

And then as I got it, I like jumping jumped in. Like, it was like a heist. But the cool thing that I should. I wish I had recorded was it wasn't Joey and Lee because we didn't know the podcast.

[A]

We gave him the joint.

[B]

It was like a homeless black dude or something like in like bumping a bumper traffic in Times Square. Anyway, we were smoking a joint and you just hand. He smelled it or something, walked up.

[A]

And you handed it his hand to the song.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're in North Bergen and he goes, do we need permits? We're not bargain. I go, just don't walk around with that camera. Yeah. And within minutes, hey, what are you doing with that fucking camera in my neighborhood? We're like, I told you, Lee, hide the fucking camera. We went downtown. Yeah. And then we went to. We went to the flower shop.

[B]

Yeah. We were hooked up.

[A]

He was just doing meth and shit. I'll do a flower arrangement for you. Where you guys from? You know, the whole fucking deal.

[B]

I forgot about that.

[A]

But this was. It was two guys that I thought he knew what he was doing. And he basically Thought I knew what I was doing and I was just riding him. Like. We started with little videos.

[B]

You start with a bloggy.

[A]

A blog. I still have that thing. It doesn't work, but I won't throw it away.

[B]

Oh, it doesn't work. It was like a. Fuck. It was like a us video camera.

[A]

Did they really go. But it's. It's completely different.

[B]

Brand new one.

[A]

Yeah, but I know that they're going to make one soon. That you could do a podcast.

[B]

Oh, I'm sure.

[A]

Just take the tape out and send it to somebody. Your podcast was. Because that was the bloggy. That was just us making 30 second videos or. Yeah, whatever.

[B]

It was the Mad Flavors world videos. You were just record way before we did anything. You would just record yourself throughout the week. And then it was like a camera that had like a. A retractable USB thing and I would just stick it on my computer and I would combine like you would. The shit you would have was fucking. It was just. You were like with your cats beeping at people.

[A]

There was no.

[B]

You would just drive around beeping at people.

[A]

I'm tell you the truth about that. Just so the audience knows how fucking crazy I am. George has always known I'm fucking retarded. But guess where I got that first bloggy.

[B]

I know exactly where you got it.

[A]

Who? Gabriel Galicia for Christmas.

[B]

No, I. I think, actually, I think it was something different. It was for Stand Up Revolution.

[A]

The Stand Up Revolution. And I looked at that camera and I go, this kid's worth. If he. I'm gonna do something good with this cam. This is a gift from Gabriel with his luck on it. I go, this is Gabriel's luck on this camera. I gotta do something good with this camera. And we met and next thing you know, we started doing those matte flavor worlds. But that was the formula.

[B]

Do you remember the first video we put up other. Not the one we shot. We put up a standup video from the Jews. No, the Ice House with you talking about the Jamba Juice guy. That. Oh, my God, that's right. That. That's when I. My. My brain was blown because I. I started your YouTube channel and we. You had this clip. We shot a video with your cat with Skinny Finney. And then you had this clip from the Ice House with this hysterical. And I just kept looking at the number of people watching it. I was like, what? Like it was blowing up.

[A]

It was started from. You know, I think about the grassroots that. You know, the big question with comedians constantly is, how did you Start selling tickets. Okay. You started as going on Instagram and putting interesting pictures of yourself. I started three or four different things. Again, if I tell you I knew what I was. I didn't know shit. I was just trying to stay alive. But the three things I was doing was contributing to it. One, and I've told you for two years, my room in Brea. My room in Brea was big. I call that guy once a year on the holidays and New Year's. He's in North Carolina. He's running a club down there, not a comedy club. That dude taught me how to have patience and sell tickets in a room without me even knowing it. And then I did a few things, and it proved what he was saying. I stuck with it. And then what we were doing with the camera, the YouTube, it's not just one thing you're feeding them. It's. You have to overwhelm them at first. And that's exactly what we did. Then we put out a cd. So now we had them at every level without knowing, without, you know, again. Oh, yeah, it was the cd. No, no, no, no. We had no fucking idea. What did I tell you on the drive down there? I had no material, which is crazy. I go, we're just gonna riff tonight. But Brea, the videos, touring with Rogan.

[B]

And by the way, that CD went number one. That wasn't just a People don't. And that's why I want to do a cd, but not to be number one. But just. It wasn't like everyone was doing a special. That's. Everyone was. There were people putting out specials, like audio CDs.

[A]

I didn't want to do it. I wanted people to listen again.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I always think, till this day, we've forgotten the gift of listening, of putting on a radio. You know, when we were growing up, if I went, you always saw pictures of people sitting around the radio, listen to a Yankee game or listen to the Green Hornet or whatever the fuck they played, you know, one with when they took over the world and they tricked everybody. War of the Worlds with whatever, you know, that was interesting to me. And I wanted to bring people back to listening because people gave up on listening. I did for a while, and my life was ruined. Ruined. We listen and we just keep plowing. Listen to what that motherfucker's saying and get a read from him for years. We don't listen. We just want to talk shit. And sometimes you got to fucking listen and go, oh, shit. I was thinking about something the other day about one of Those don't go down there stories. When I went down there, when I was a kid, one of those I didn't know we told you not to go down there. Yeah, but I wanted a fucking soda. There's a thousand bodegas don't go down there. And you went to that one. So some people don't even have a motive. I don't think this tells somebody why, but I know myself that I wasn't listening. And when you're a stand up, you got to listen. When you're a stand up, you're Marlon Brando. Let them talk. Let them talk. When I go to a green room, let them talk. You're just sitting there, fucking listen. Let them. Even if you know the subject, even if you know they're wrong, let them talk. And eventually they fucking just. It's like anything else. If I'm on top of you, you're going to keep trying to get out from the bottom. I'm just going to let you move. I'm just going to move with you. I'm not even going to put weight on you. And after a minute, you're going to drop your arms. Now I really got you because you're tired. As a comic, you have to listen to the audience. And it's funny because you're on stage listening to the audience and trying to listen to your brain feed you the jokes and keeping them in order. This is not for everybody. This is not for everybody, but you're.

[B]

Kind of blowing my mind. What do you mean, listen to the audience?

[A]

Dog size reliefs. Ha.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God. I can't believe he said that. Those little things that you don't hear and you're not supposed to hear, but you being the bad motherfucker that you are, you hear. I'm very deaf and I have selective hearing, okay? Because I know the deafness. I can't listen to everything. I can't listen to everybody. So if I'm here and you guys are having two conversations and we're having a conversation and Mike Chick's over there, I gotta do selective hearing. Who's having the best conversation here? You know, who's talking about this? Who's talking about when? And then I learned, when I went to restaurants, people throwing things down. I learned how to listen in the original room. For some reason, that room taught me how to hear a mouse. On stage.

[B]

You're on top of everybody.

[A]

Like right there, you hear? But you're on top of Everybody everywhere. It's 170 seats, so think about it. It's 170 seats. But something about that room made me a listener again for years. When I went to got locked up, all those people would say, you don't listen. You're not listening to what I'm fucking saying. You listen. But you went off the rampage on this shit. And that's what I wanted to get back. That's when I became a better comic, when I started listening to the audio audience. Different breeds, different yells, different. You know, when they're laughing, how long are they laughing? You know? You know, listen. Yeah. So I just learned from Buffalo. Ha ha. Now you have them on this tuning. Right, right, right. You have hoo ha hee haw. I want to get them little volcanoes, but for longer. So instead of going, ha, I want to get him a. And you build it. Ha. When you getting those? Ha ha. You're a fucking amateur. That's how you know you're an amateur. You have to go in there and get them. Like, I want to see a black guy fall off his chair. How do you make a black guy fall off his chair? You walk out there and attack him. Fuck racism. Listen, you black motherfucker. It's lonely Negro night tonight. You showed up. Boom. He's laughing because he's loving it. You're giving him attention.

[B]

I've never seen you open like that. But yeah, no, I mean, it's, it's. It's really cool because that's what I think that the difference is between, like, me and like, I got like even one of our friend Jerry Rocha. The first time I opened for him, he had me open for him. And he's. He's been doing it for a while, but he's not super well known. He had a special. And I was so blown away at the difference in the level of his laughs. Like the. When I. I was just in front of that audience and I was getting laughs and then I heard the level of it, I was like, those are the same people laughing so much louder.

[A]

You know? You just fucking know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you just know and you start to go, oh, my God, they're laughing differently. What am I doing differently? Yeah, listen, man, we got to get the fuck out of here. But I'll tell you this, and I tell people all the time, you have standup after you're doing stand up six, seven, eight years, you have it, you have the basics and you have all the tools to become a great stand up, whatever the fuck that is. It's just tweaking. 200 tweaks. That's a lot of fucking tweaks to tweak. You know what I'm saying? That's a lot of tweaking. When I look at you and I go, I gotta remember to smile in that joke. I got to remember to breathe on that joke. I got to remember to pause and look at my pants. I got to remember to shake my dick on that joke. I got to remember all these tweaks for it to be a perfect fucking set. And every night you go up there and you count and you go, fuck. Honey, I did 160 tweaks. Nick, I did 1:40 tonight. George, I did 128. Then all of a sudden I get one night where I we did 168. That's 40 better than two nights ago. And then one night unexpectedly, I get all 200 tweaks, right? Because I didn't try to correct them all at once. I took care of them once at a time. And where did I learn that from playing basketball As a kid we pick up bad habits. My bad habit was rebounding. I was a great rebounder. But what did I do, George? Put the ball down, bro. I had coaches fucking put me in a dark room for a week and I couldn't break the habit. What a fucking awful habit to break. And once you break that habit, you become that much better. And that's all standup is, is little tweaks, your jokes. For me, it's my writing. It's a thousand things. Sometimes I come out too high. Energy, my voice, you know, you have so many things going on, so you have to tweak them all together. You're not going to. You know, I got a. I bought a 1965 car, my grandmother left me $75,000. And I'm going to fix this fucking car, okay? I'm not going to fix the car. One piece at a time. I'm going to bring it upstairs to Bruno and let him fix this. But not just fix it. Let's make this so it doesn't break again. It's a 1967 car, you know, and that stand up, tweaking little things over time. Some take a week, some take three months. Hey, folks, how you doing? How many people drove out here tonight? What the fuck? How many times a week. Stop. Stop asking questions. That question up front determines whether you're an amateur or a pro.

[B]

Yeah, You've banned me from asking questions.

[A]

Just that little question. Yeah. How many people like to get tied up during sex? What are you gonna get? Woo. Two fucking chicks that are fucking alcoholics. Don't ask them. Tell them. In fact, when you're up there, just go, listen to this chick. I could tell she liked to get tied up. Whoa. Okay. I got a reaction from her, okay? Never go. Because as soon as you ask a question, you're weak. You just lost the battle. They smell it. That's it. You're not Jaws no more. You're a little fucking bubble guppy. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah. No, you cut like, 20 minutes of my actual, like, last year. Like, you just can't do this whole chunk of jokes.

[A]

And it worked.

[B]

Yeah, it did work, but it was.

[A]

And it was very like, hey, Lee. Oh, my God, I love. No, Lee committed. Cut that joke. And Lee fucking said, fine. He didn't argue because he knew. He fucking knew. He knew. You're with this fucking chick a year, and you're still talking about step kids. Let me kick you in the stomach. And how they kicked him when he was fat. They already know you're fat, right? They see you. Why are you telling them that you're fat? There's all those little fucking tweaks. And. No, I've been doing 35 years. I make more mistakes than you do. All right? I am fundamentally so unsound for me to tell you this, but I can look at somebody and go, like, my stepdad, hey, can I talk to you about something? One of my friends told me you smoke pot. I'll never forget when he told me this, like, on Hudson Avenue. He goes, one of my dear friends told me you smoke pot. I hope it's not true, especially the family that you have as of today. You stopped smoking pot. I remember looking at him going, you got to give me time. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know. Don't you know about rehabs in the world?

[B]

But in his world, it's over now.

[A]

It's over now. That's it. Why even think about it? And he was so right. And that's what it is with Standup Dog. I love certain jokes, and I'll keep doing them because I'm weak. Because. But then one day you go, I'm not doing that joke no more. I'm not doing it. Why? You know what, man? I just don't want to do it no more. It's time to move the fuck on. We're like, fucking with our jokes. We're like our girlfriends. We don't want to let those old bitches go. She kicks me, she takes my money. She fucks me in the ass. She hits me with A stick. But I love her. What the fuck? Let that joke go. Right, so it's the same thing. Where are you going to be this week, Tarzan?

[B]

This week I'll be at St. Mark's Comedy Club on Tuesday. I'll be at the Comedy Shop on Wednesday, and that's it. And it's around New York this week.

[A]

All right, know let the people know I just did. All right, but no, put them up on Instagram so they know. They want to know.

[B]

It'll be up on Instagram this weekend. Have nothing book. But Molly's around the Comedy Shop and I'm hanging out St. Mark's a lot more now. And then next week I'm in Batavia with Josh Wolf.

[A]

All right, we'll burn next week when it comes. Well, you kept the club Bavia's next week. Why confuse them now? They go to the website. That hat's next week. Then don't forget to get tickets because we let the cat out of the hat. Anyway, I'm going to be at the dojo Wednesday night for the best of. I might stop on an open mic this week. I had a lot of fun, man. I told you. I went to that open mic and it was a lot different and it just reminded you. I think every comic should go to one of those every once in a while as a reminder of what it's become, what your life has become, and how much fun it used to be. You can go up there, say whatever you want, drink what you want, fuck a waitress, get VD and come back next week to get the number three spot, you know what I'm saying? Like, when life was simple, you're doing comedy, you gotta get up for a day job. You know, it is what it is. But that's real comedy. They're showing up there for not one dollar at 10 o' clock at night. So it shows you the other side of the character of the comedian, which is nice. I still got it. But that level to sign up and all that, you look at that now and go, ooh, thank God I got over this. Like, getting fucking herpes. Once you get it, you're like, ooh, I'll never get that again. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black. And what else?

[B]

I love you.

[A]

All right, love you. Bye.