We're playing for keeps in 2026!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: We're playing for keeps in 2026!
Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Episode Overview

This high-energy, laughter-filled episode kicks off the new year with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt covering everything from Lee’s recent Vegas honeymoon to their philosophies on discipline, comedy, family, and aging. The conversation ranges from hilarious Vegas buffet stories to deeply honest reflection on the realities of stand-up comedy, longevity, and finding happiness in life’s routines. The episode’s title—“We’re playing for keeps in 2026!”—reflects Joey’s motivational attitude about commitment, discipline, and not letting life pass you by.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lee’s Vegas Hotel Adventure & the Power of Tipping

• Lee tells the story of slipping a $100 bill to a hotel worker, scoring a massive room upgrade, chocolates, and $150 in credit.

  “I gave him 100 bucks and he gave me that. He sent chocolates up to the room and he gave me 150 in credit. So I made money on it.” – Lee (00:29)

• Joey reminisces about old-school New York restaurant tipping culture, comparing $50 and $100 bills' power.

  “Money talks and bullshit walks. ... Just give him the fucking 50 bucks, get the nicest table, you make his day.” – Joey (01:32)

2. Vegas Buffets, the State of Vegas, and ‘Lizard Meat’

• Lee indulges at Caesars' buffet, while Joey paints a vivid, comedic portrait of questionable buffet meats (“lizard meat”) and rougher spots like Circus Circus.
• Discussion about how Vegas has changed—more expensive, long lines everywhere, and upcharges for basic amenities.

  “There was a time when parking was free... Now, 100 bucks a person... And you’re not getting much for it.” – Lee (06:21)

3. Nostalgia and Change in Comedy Lifestyle

• Joey and Lee talk about how lifestyles have changed, especially for comedians. The hustle of constant road gigs, sketchy hotels, and eating bad food has given way to more selective, mindful choices.

  “2019, four weeks in a row I went on the road and I shot a movie. ... I think part of the mental health issue I had…was separating my life from that old life.” – Joey (15:11)

4. On Discipline, Sacrifice, and Comedy as a Calling

• Joey emphasizes the discipline it takes to succeed in stand-up. Personal sacrifices, missed family parties, constant writing, and always putting the work first.
• Notable Quote:

  “You’re playing for keeps. ... If you came into my life at the wrong time...we would have been on...Ask my wife how intense I was about comedy. ... You’re in it, man. … To me, that’s worth a million dollars.” – Joey (24:25–25:28)

• Joey shares how holding onto the discipline for comedy even trumped his former addictions.

  “Everything else in my life I didn’t do to the T. Comedy, I did to the T.” – Joey (35:24)

5. Perspective on Trends, Travel, and Aging

• The hosts lampoon people who follow trends blindly (Disney adults, pizza fads, designer sneakers).

  “People jump on trends. I am not going to jump on a trend. ... I will do it on purpose to prove to you that I can live without that.” – Joey (45:05)

• Joey outlines his resistance to peer pressure and his pride in not needing to “do what everyone else does.”
• On aging, routine, and health, Joey openly discusses physical decline but frames it with gratitude and humor.

  “I’m gonna be 63 next month. ... I’m just lucky. Every day that I get up, like, I’m just, like, grateful that I just make it to the shower and I fucking eat breakfast with my wife.” – Joey (74:41)

6. Family, Legacy, and Joey’s Daughter

• Joey is proud of his daughter Mercy turning 13 and pursuing diverse interests—softball and stand-up bass.

  “She’s into this shit too...She plays the stand up bass ... I watch her and I’m like, who knows how to play this?” – Joey (60:32)

• Reflections on parenting, genetics, and passing down both good and bad habits.
• Discussion on discipline: Passing up bad opportunities because of greater respect for comedy and personal growth.

7. Honest Talk on Hard Times and Resilience

• Both hosts touch on personal disappointments, mental health, and the pain of losing friends, but always come back to comedy as salvation and therapy.

  “But if you quit comedy, they won.” – Joey (28:12)

8. Riffs on Travel, Honeymoons, and “Marrying Rich”

• Joey teases Lee relentlessly about his seating choices on planes, his in-laws’ imagined millions, and how “you marry rich, you fly first class” is a principle.

  “No more coach tickets. You married into money. Hindu money. ... I married your daughter, that’s it. I’m not living like this now.” – Joey (85:56)

• This playful mockery exemplifies the show’s combative but affectionate tone.

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Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Joey on tipping culture (01:32):

  “Money talks and bullshit walks...Just give him the fucking 50 bucks, get the nicest table, you make his day.”

• Joey on discipline for comedy (24:25):

  “You gotta force yourself and you’re gonna make people unhappy with your decisions. But you’re playing for keeps. ... And you know what, man? I wake up in the mornings now and I don’t have to rush out of the house. And to me, that’s worth a million dollars.”

• Joey on trends and resisting fads (45:05):

  “People jump on trends. I am not going to jump on a trend. ... I will do it on purpose to prove to you that I can live without that. That’s the discipline, right? I could live without that.”

• Joey on aging and gratitude (74:41):

  “I’m gonna be 63 next month...I’m just lucky. Every day that I get up, like, I’m just, like, grateful that I just make it to the shower and I fucking eat breakfast with my wife.”

• Joey on family and personal growth (60:32):

  “She’s into this shit too...She plays the stand up bass ... I watch her and I’m like, who knows how to play this?”

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Hotel tipping and Vegas stories: 00:20–03:48
• Buffet culture and Vegas changes: 03:48–07:30
• Discussion on discipline, old comedy life: 10:48–19:53
• On purpose, sacrifice, and not quitting: 24:25–30:43
• Lee opens up about personal disappointment: 27:34–28:12
• Trends & travel, “pizza culture” and Disney adults: 43:43–51:54
• Family, aging, and Joey’s daughter: 59:32–62:00
• Philosophy on aging, fitness, and health: 62:00–66:34
• Travel and the joke about flying coach vs. first class: 80:52–85:56

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Tone & Episode Vibe

Throughout, the tone is irreverent, nostalgic, and brutally honest—packed with Joey’s signature expletives, streetwise wisdom, and Lee’s self-deprecating humor. The rapport is filled with raucous laughter and sharp jabs, always underpinned by genuine affection and respect between the hosts.

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For the First-Time Listener

If you’ve never tuned in before, this episode is classic “Church”: hilarious stories, unfiltered personal philosophy, and the most honest behind-the-scenes talk about comedy’s sacrifices and rewards.

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Highlight Reel

• Tipping your way to an upgraded life.
• Dissecting America’s baffling love of buffets, Disney, and pizza fads.
• A masterclass on the discipline comedy demands—and the price it extracts.
• Joey’s honest take on aging, contentment, and why sometimes flying coach just isn’t in the cards (especially if you “married rich”).
• The ultimate message: Play for keeps, don’t quit on your calling, and always find that laughter, even in life’s hard moments.

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For more fun and tough love—“Stay black, see you next week!”

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Kick this mule. What's happening, you savages? Welcome to another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening Now New Testament. Becky's not here. We got my old man Cato back, his part time honeymoon and we're ready for a whole new year. What's up, dog?

[Lee]

Dude, I had a great, great week. I. I did, I did something that I've only heard people do and it actually worked. And I can't believe I did it.

[Joey Diaz]

What you do?

[Lee]

When I checked into the hotel, I slipped the guy 100 bucks and he gave me a. Much like a, A huge room. He gave me credit to use at the hotel. I thought, I thought, I thought they were going to make fun of me. I thought they were going to like, I. And I, like, I was fumbling with it the whole. I had, like, I had the 100 bucks out with me in line. And at first I was going to slip it between the ID and the credit card, but he just wanted the id so I just gave him the id. And then when I gave him the credit card, I said, hey, it's our honeymoon. Anything you could do would be great. And he upgraded us like a suite with a balcony. It was awesome. And he gave me, I gave him 100 bucks and he gave me that. He sent chocolates up to the room and he gave me 150 in credit. So I made money on it. That was the coolest thing I felt. I felt like such a douche. But also like the coolest thing I've ever done.

[Joey Diaz]

When I go on vacation, yeah, I go on the road, I make sure I stop in the bank, okay? And I get like 200, maybe three hours and just 50 because 100 is too much to give somebody, right? I'll give, you know, I always give it a hundred. But on vacation, those $50 bills, they. People lose their fucking mind.

[Lee]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and listen, man, it's the old adage, money talks and bullshit walks. You know, there was a time when I was growing up in New York City that if you had a reservation, right, you go into this restaurant, this 30, 40 years ago, you go into a restaurant, even if you had a reservation, if you didn't hand that fucking maitre d a 20 or 30, he'd send you to the bar, even though there'd be tables open, you'd be sitting at the bar for two fucking hours. Yeah, just give him the fucking 50 bucks, get the nicest table, you make his day. And you know, and some people, like, I don't understand how that works. It works.

[Lee]

I didn't. And who knows? I. I don't. It might not have worked. And I wanted to do it the rest of the trip because I gotta. This was like an eye opening trip to Vegas for me. It has completely changed, but it's like I can see why you don't want to. It's nothing but standing in line the entire time. Even when I had a. A reservation at a restaurant, you have to stand in line to like get to the front. And then like, it's another line.

[Joey Diaz]

Was other reserve. Other restaurants that busy, were they?

[Lee]

Yeah, some of them were okay. Some of them were pretty busy. We were there, I think Thursday.

[Joey Diaz]

Lamb, lentil, nachos. Since you like those so much. Cauliflower tacos at the Mexican joint.

[Lee]

Do I have any lamb or cauliflower? This I don't think I did.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody served that junk in Vegas.

[Lee]

I did go. We went to Caesars. Has a really nice buffet with like crab legs and all, like all that stuff. So we did that and I. I ate so much meat that like I started. You ever like get a little bit lightheaded from eating? Like, like I started to sweat on the way back.

[Joey Diaz]

It was lizard meat.

[Lee]

No, it was not. It was at Caesars. It was a nice.

[Joey Diaz]

The buffet. It's a fucking buffet. You fucked up yet? I did not. Fog Bill. And then you go to a fucking buffet like a Puerto Rico. First of all, it never ends that shit. Food in a buffet.

[Lee]

Oh, no. At Caesar was nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh yeah, right.

[Lee]

You don't think. You don't want to have crab legs and lobster. They had everything. Brisket, steak. No, you don't want it.

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing. That crab leg is from Lake fucking Havasu. One of those crab legs, you glow in the dark for two fucking weeks.

[Lee]

Oh, hey, that helped.

[Joey Diaz]

I thought they closed all the buffets.

[Lee]

No, there. But they.

[Joey Diaz]

We did.

[Lee]

Like, I walked over. We walked for a second over to like some of the new ones. Like, the Fontainebleau was empty. It was nice resorts. World was empty, but nice. But we went to like Circus Circus, like the crappy ones. Those were not good. Those were. Those were a little bit rough.

[Joey Diaz]

That's rough in that dog. Those little. On the other side of casino, on the other side of that strip.

[Lee]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not bueno. No, that's not fucking bueno at all. I remember years ago, I used to do whatever that fucking thing was.

[Lee]

Oh.

[Joey Diaz]

Scared scare taxi in Vegas.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So we would shoot off the strip and we put us in a hotel. Really? I mean, it wasn't like. It was like a best Western or something, right? It was good for them. It was really nice. Down the corner was the place where you got the steak and eggs for a dollar 95.

[Lee]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Three eggs, steak, potatoes. I actually went in that one, of course. Cause I wanted to fucking see the hype. I ate the eggs, but I didn't touch the steak.

[Lee]

I was gonna say, you know, but.

[Joey Diaz]

There were 300 people in that motherfucker having a good time with that steak, thinking they were at fucking Smith and Wolinsky fucking high fiving his shit on the way to the bathroom to shit blood with that meat. That meat. You're back to eating lizard meat. That's good.

[Lee]

I am not back to eating lizard.

[Joey Diaz]

Although lab nachos and the.

[Lee]

God damn.

[Joey Diaz]

That was lizard meat. That was no lamb. They sliced it nice and thin just.

[Lee]

For you, no one else.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't.

[Lee]

I don't even know what you're talking about. No one else had lamb nachos but you. I feel like it was just a dish for you.

[Joey Diaz]

I saw, I smelt the lamb and I hit the door. That's it. No lamb.

[Lee]

So many people called me like, oh, it was Danny. I told you about Danny. Bra called me. He's like. I ordered lamb in front of Joey once and he gave me too. What? Lamb is delicious.

[Joey Diaz]

Who eats lamb?

[Lee]

Everybody eats lamb.

[Joey Diaz]

You. I've been to dinner with you 200 times and we.

[Lee]

You don't take me to places with.

[Joey Diaz]

Lamb because there's a reason. There's a third world fucking nation and shit. They bring in a goat or something like that.

[Lee]

There's so many lamb in America, you know? You know, rack of lamb is delicious.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me ask you a question.

[Lee]

What's up?

[Joey Diaz]

You said something earlier before the podcast about Vegas. You said it changed a lot.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you said that they tried to charge you 100 bucks to set up the fucking sports book.

[Lee]

Dude, that was the lowest price. So I like the one we went.

[Joey Diaz]

To, wanted 250 that day.

[Lee]

Yeah, the what? Oh yeah, the one that they wanted.

[Joey Diaz]

250 for us to sit at the sports book without and to eat fried.

[Lee]

Yeah, chicken fingers. Oh, yeah. They wanted. When I started going to Vegas in 2011, parking was free. Like valet parking was free. And you could go around and have a good. Like this. I haven't been to Vegas in a while. Like years. They wanted to sit in the back a hundred, 100 bucks a person to sit in the front. It was 200 a person and it didn't go towards your. Your beverages. And now this was nice. This was a Caesars. We also, like. We gambled and we went to Harrah's. We went to the Flamingo a little bit. The shitty ones are. Are. But there's not even really a sports book anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

I heard they don't give you cocktails.

[Lee]

Some of them do, but there's far and few.

[Joey Diaz]

But I don't. You know what?

[Lee]

I didn't see them. I didn't see them really. In the slots a little bit at the table games, but you're not getting it. Like, this guy I was playing craps with was drinking rum and cokes all night, and all he did was go pee. Like, there was no. There's no rum in it. It's just all Coke. But it was. Yeah. Vegas. I have like, especially, like, every time I come to Jersey with. With like, DraftKings, you can do blackjack, all the stuff on your phone. If you're going to Vegas to gamble, there's no reason the. For anyone who likes, like, actually likes blackjack, it's a better blackjack game. On DraftKings, they use the. The decks. You don't have to have the automatic shuffler. They give you a better payout for. For blackjack to gamble on the Strip in Vegas, a lot. Like Friday and Saturday night, it was like a minimum $50 a hand or a roll. It's. It's a lot. It was. It was a crazy. And it was a lot of fun, but it was. It was definitely. It was definitely dead, which I wasn't expecting. I thought it was gonna be busy.

[Joey Diaz]

It was.

[Lee]

There were. There were people there, but not when.

[Joey Diaz]

We were used to go and. No walk the things and people. It's the winter too. It's the holiday.

[Lee]

It was a little cold, but New.

[Joey Diaz]

Year's, New Year's, apparently it rained on New Year. We.

[Lee]

We went up to. This is. This is. I. I've been saving this because I know you're going to torture me. And they love that.

[Joey Diaz]

So.

[Lee]

So we're. I'm old and I. We didn't really want to, like, party in Vegas, so we flew out there on Tuesday and. And we said. We went. We drove up to Zion national park in Utah, which is beautiful, but, like, the room we rented was like right in the canyon. It was like right outside was like all this. It was beautiful, but it was like a. Like a nice tent. Pretty much had bad. Had. It had fire, everything. But there was no. The wall only went up like three quarters of the way to the bathroom. So, like, if you took a. If I took. I had to, like, send her outside into, like, the canyon to take. It was not like a honeymoon sort of place because you took a shit, it was going to get ruined. It was. It was not good.

[Joey Diaz]

When you ever.

[Lee]

Did you ever stay in a tent, anything like that?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm not Alibaba. We're gonna have 40 fucking thieves to you. No. Oh, listen, I like camping.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

There's gotta be a shower, you know.

[Lee]

Oh, there's.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they gotta be things like that. Listen, Lee, I don't know what you do anymore. I don't know what you do anymore. At least you didn't come back with a sty.

[Lee]

No. Thank God.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee]

It was a nice one.

[Joey Diaz]

This every time he goes away. But it's funny you said that, because I thought about the little jaunt I took.

[Lee]

Okay, listen.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't take those girls anyway, so every once in a while you gotta take them some. You know, they do shit on their own and stuff. I hate these three weeks. Like I've said before, these three weeks are brutal. Even today, you know, Monday, yesterday I woke up ready to stab a motherfucker. And there ain't nobody a stab.

[Lee]

Now they're all home.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, there ain't nobody a stab. Like nobody's picking up the phone. Nobody knows nothing. They're all retarded, you know? And that's what burns me up. Like, that's what I don't like about this time of the year. So, people, it's not that I don't like Christmas. I love Christmas. I got a kid. I love fucking around with her. But it's those three weeks, I can't. And I live down there. It's either go to the gym, go eat lunch, and then you're done till 7 o'. Clock. There ain't nothing going on. I take a nap, you know, I write this weekend. I cleaned.

[Lee]

You cleaned?

[Joey Diaz]

I had to. I had to. My office, the fucking garage, you know. I got boxes in my office of shit that you have no idea.

[Lee]

Do you do it sober or you take a bunch of edibles?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just. No, I get stoned and I just get. You know, I looked around the room and I'm like, this shit's got to go.

[Lee]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

I took. I had like 10 boxes of shirts that don't fit me.

[Lee]

Why do people always send you shirts?

[Joey Diaz]

Mediums and smalls. What the fuck? So I take them out and then crush the boxes along. Along with the Christmas boxes. I vacuum that back, you know, I got to paint that room. I don't like the green. I've never felt comfortable in that office.

[Lee]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

It's just a room. It's not my fucking office. Like, I need to get a couch in there and get a fucking record player because I gave my record player to my daughter upstairs. Oh, you did?

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

She likes it upstairs, so I put it up there for her. So I gotta do something else downstairs. That's what I did. I mean, you wanna start the year off, like, clean? Like, at midnight, I got home and I did a Cuban thing. I fucking got water and I put cacaria in it, and I put some of Terry's cologne. I fucking hit the stairs. And to clean all this shit from last year. What's kakaria karia is? It's a powder. It comes in a rock and it looks like cocaine.

[Lee]

I was gonna say it sounds like you're describing cocaine.

[Joey Diaz]

And you use it for different things. It cleans and shit like that. So I did all that stuff, you know, I threw away fucking notebooks. I had these notebooks from 2018 enough. I ain't gonna use those jokes no more.

[Lee]

You know, I wish you didn't throw, like, I want to start like a Joey Diaz, like, Presidential Library, just to select it. Like I like to say, the fact that you have these notebooks going back decades is crazy to me.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, if you don't know your past, you won't know your future. Especially when it comes to stand up, you know? I started working out with a guy, okay, after the. My last. That weekend before I went into the hospital the last time in October. It was a rough weekend. It was a rough weekend emotionally because I got a fight with a good friend of mine and my wife got into a misunderstanding with the guy that.

[Lee]

Was training us, okay?

[Joey Diaz]

And she told me on Friday night. So thank God I. I had control. Two days to think about how I was gonna handle it. And when I called him, you know, I called him and I called him out on it and, okay, I apologize. Didn't matter. But I started training with a new guy. And today as I was walking away, he goes, I gotta show you something. This guy had every workout now, the weights he used, the amounts, the reps. And he showed me, he goes, like, right here you got so much stronger here, you got so much. You know, because it's a 12 week chart, right?

[Lee]

He can see what you were doing.

[Joey Diaz]

So he shows you everything. And I was blown the fuck away. I was blown the fuck away that he had kept those records. You know, I look at those notebooks to see what my state of mind was, how much comedy I was doing at the time, how much money I was. Because everything was written in those books, right? Whether I bombed, I did good. I tried a new joke. I got 50 bucks, I got 2,000 bucks. I got a hundred bucks, I got a fucking can of tuna, whatever the fuck you put on there, right? So you know where you are. These were the notebooks from the Netflix special. And the year before and the year afterward, I said, gone. I don't even know what 2019 is. I threw away all the calendars, you know, like the things that I have, right? Cause I have notebooks, then I have a calendar, and that calendar will tell me where I am, the little things I gotta do. I got rid of six of those motherfuckers. And to see those and to look at one now it's two different fucking worlds.

[Lee]

Oh, well, yeah, you were touring like, a full time.

[Joey Diaz]

Just when I looked at those calendars, there were days I didn't take a breath till fucking midnight. Like when I got home from the Comedy Store, that was the first time I was gonna sit at home. And I sit there and look at these things and go, how the fuck was I doing it? I gotta take a nap now. I go to the gym. I gotta go home and take a fucking nap for an hour.

[Lee]

Yeah, but I was also six years. Like, it was. You were. You were young, a younger dude, and you also were used to it. Like, I feel like if you. I don't think you want to, but if you got back into that rhythm, I think you'd be okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't think I can handle that rhythm anymore, But. I don't think I could handle that rhythm anymore. That was. That shit I saw was too much. 2019, there was like four weeks in a row I went on the road and I mean, went on the road and I shot a movie. And it's like, no wonder I lost my mind. And I think part of the mental health issue I had when I moved back was I had a bunch of fucking issues. But the main one was separating my life from that old life. It was rough. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. It's the reason why people don't retire, right? Because they lose their mind at home. This is the first time I was home.

[Lee]

Well, that's what I was gonna say is like. It seems like. Like your uncle who's 80 something right now, like. Like, if I know you, you can slow down, but it seems like. And it's not everybody, but if you stick with it to a certain point, like what you're doing now, like, you're doing it half time or whatever you want to call it, I think it's good. Like, if you. Like, if you don't stop, you can keep going.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, there's no way I'm gonna stop at this point. I thought about it. I like what I'm doing right now. Yeah. That one show a month to make me work and make me think and just to get me, you know, like actual. I don't write jokes anymore. I write ideas and then I log the ideas together.

[Lee]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what I'm trying to do now, you know? So it's become interesting, right?

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

The writing has become interesting. There's nothing like getting a solid bit and going, oh, shit. I compare this to this. I could run it through this. So that's got me. I'm hooked on that again. I'm just not hooked on getting on fucking planes again.

[Lee]

Oh, I don't blame.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I can't do it. I can't. Somebody offered me next weekend, and it was perfect. I could have gone to Austin and then done Dallas with them. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know.

[Lee]

Let me ask you this, though. I like. I know you liked being busy, but does it feel good, like, thinking where you were at my age, financially, like, you wouldn't have turned that down back then, but now you can, like, 37.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I wouldn't have turned nothing down if you didn't give me what I wanted, I'd just rob you. Nobody was paying me any money. They were giving me 200, 100, 250, you know? Right. It's a hundred for gas or something like that, you know? There was no money, but I knew how to pile it on. So there was a green. There was always money, right? Because I knew you got to take as many gigs as you fucking can.

[Lee]

But does it feel good to be able to turn it down now?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes. I started turning things down like in 2015, when I knew how the game was. You can't say yes to everything. You gotta say no to a few things. If not, you'll lose your fucking mind again. But then you have the short window. Mine that I had. I'm 55. I ain't got much time left to make this money, right? So I'd rather jump on it right now while I have the chance. But there was a week in, right, the December before the pandemic. That November and December were fucking real. Like Miami, New York. Drive up to Boston the next day. Theaters on Saturday. You gotta take an extra flight. It was starting to get fucking rough. My back was hurting. I enjoyed it, though. I enjoyed every bit of it. Looking back at it, you know, I had a great time. It was a great education. We made some money, but I can't do that again, that level and where my mind was. Remember I told you it's not the work you put in, it's where your mind is. If I did comedy every day, like, if I said to you right now, forget it, Lee. I'm going to do comedy six nights a week. I'm going to dedicate myself to this shit. After 6, 7, 8, 12 weeks, your mind goes somewhere else, and your mind zeroes in on shit and your mind doesn't let anything else in. And that's not fucking healthy. When you sleep, walk, everything, stand up. But it is healthy. Yeah, it's not healthy, but it is healthy because this is what you want to do.

[Lee]

And especially, like, does. Did it distract you from, like, some other, like, bullshit that was going on in your life? Like you didn't have time to worry about, like, other shit?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, not exactly my point. When I was doing. Listen, before any of that shit, but once I stood, and I'm embarrassed to say this, but I'm not. Once I started doing standup and I got into that zone of, like, the eighth year, the ninth year, you were done. Like, anything to do with you was done. Not that I didn't love you, but I just don't have the time, right? I'm on a fucking. I'm on to something here. And what you want. You want to go to a concert or you want to take me away for three days? That's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. I gotta be at the store, right? When I tell you I have to be at the store for 15 fucking dollars. No reason to be there for $15. I could borrow 15 fucking dollars. That wasn't it. I was at the store and it didn't matter. This is your shot. Everybody dreams of their shot. Everybody dreams of their shot, and then they go get their shot and now they want to lay down. Well, I'm going to take up golf. No, now is not the fucking time to take up golf. Now is not the time to fucking do whatever personal things you want to do. I didn't have a life for a long fucking time. Am I proud of it. Yes and no. Because what's a life? They go to a Giant game, they go to a concert. You know, the same over and over again, right? I like the adventure of getting on a bus and not knowing where I'm going. I liked all that. Oh, it's so much fun getting in a car. And whatever's going on in your world, it's you and the steering wheel. You're talking to the steering wheel.

[Lee]

And I. There's nothing I like more than, like a long drive by yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just a noise off because you.

[Lee]

Can'T do anything else.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, I flew to Miami with my wife, three hours each way, okay? All of them had phones and computers. I said, no, no, no. I'm going to tap into this fucking coconut, see what we've been for the last ten fucking years. And I tapped in my wife and said to me, she goes, I didn't know what you were doing. She goes, you were just looking at. I go, I was thinking about, how did we get here, right? How the fuck. There's little things I forgot, and I remembered things. Just little. I put myself in scenarios, all right? It's June of 2005. What was going on? I just put myself. Because you hear people going, how do you remember all that stuff? Well, you got to work on it.

[Lee]

You work on your memory, yet you.

[Joey Diaz]

Have to work on it.

[Lee]

I never even thought about that.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, it's by opening up a cage and looking at it from different perspectives, right? So when I do it, I didn't do it for fucking. Like, I did it from when I fucked up, okay? Okay. When you fuck up, whether you put in the wrong joke or whether you go to fucking prison or whether you hit some head. The bottle, somebody with a bottle, you have to look at it from your perspective. And then you got to step out and go, all right, this is what really fucking happened. This is what really fucking happened. Okay? And I was just thinking about those situations, and how do you.

[Lee]

How do you put those situations out of your mind while you're going through it?

[Joey Diaz]

Discipline. Wednesday night, I was telling. Wednesday night, some topics came up in the green room at the dojo. We were talking about different things. And I've always told you this, that there was a window of six months where I would pick up my first daughter at two. I'd have to drop her off at seven, okay? And every time I went to drop her off, it would rip me apart. They would torture me. They would say little things to me, hey, make sure she doesn't eat the seeds on a Big Mac, you know, I need this shit. Don't take her to see Jurassic Park. She'll have nightmares. And I would get in my car and ball and for like a month, I would drop her off and then go get a gram of coke and drink and fucking feel sorry for myself. Then I go, that's done. That's done if I'm gonna make it as a comic. So I started putting a joint in the ashtray when she pulled off with her fucking Range Rover. And I'm in my car that I have to use a tug thing to close this door.

[Lee]

Oh, Jesus. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and I would just cry and I would smoke that joint and force myself. And I would go to that fucking pizza place where the guy was an Elvis impersonator. He weighed 500 pounds.

[Lee]

That's amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

And I would go to a steakhouse 52. And, you know, and I forced myself. It's kind of like a discipline. It's a fucking discipline. You gotta force yourself and you're gonna make people unhappy with your decisions. But you're playing for keeps. You ain't got time. Listen, you came into my life at the wrong time. If you'd have came into my life six years ago, we would have been on. Ask my wife. Ask my wife how intense I was about comedy. I didn't think I'm marrying her for seven fucking years. Then it took two to fucking marry her. It's. You're in it, man. You're in it. And then people go, well, you don't really have a life. What? You know what, man? I wake up in the mornings now and I don't have to rush out of the house. And to me, that's worth a million dollars.

[Lee]

Yeah, that's worth. That's worth a lot.

[Joey Diaz]

That's worth a lot. And that's what I wanted. I never wanted to be at the same place at the same time every fucking day. I couldn't do it, as spoiled as that sounds. So you have to work around your fucking limitations of what you want to do, right?

[Lee]

Well, it's because I know. I know what you went through with your ex wife and your. Your daughter. But like, did you ever. How did you deal with stuff 10 years earlier, right?

[Joey Diaz]

That would happen with my wife and my daughter. I would have quit comedy.

[Lee]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

That was the easier thing for Joey. That's a. That's a Joey move all day long, right? Well, things got rough. I'm not gonna do comedy for a while and put them on hold. That's what losers do, right? That's what the old Coco Joey would do. Well, I'll put it on hold. I'll just quit until I get this situated. Let me go smoke, smoke pot and do coke and figure out this situation. That wasn't it. That was. There was no time for that. I had a fucking do. I was on a mission. I was on a fucking mission. And you know when everybody has nice things around you and you live in a fucking apartment like this? I had an apartment like this for $4 a month. I didn't cook in there. I had a fucking metal shower. It was metal. It was like a phone booth.

[Lee]

Never even heard of a metal shower.

[Joey Diaz]

And after a while you just get sick and tired. And I was doing all these things and I wasn't getting no money or anything, but I knew for me to get money, I had to prepare myself. For me to get to the destination where I wanted, I had to prepare myself. And that's what most people cannot. I lost my parents, so I had no reason to please anybody. Right? I mean, you lose your mom and dad, who the fuck are you doing it for? You're doing it for you. But I just, There was an inner fire in me that I didn't want to keep living how I was living. And then I got to LA and I was living how I was living, and that started wearing on you.

[Lee]

Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You get a couple movies, you do this, and you get a little daylight, but then a week later you're broke again and you're like, what the fuck am I doing?

[Lee]

You know, it's crazy because, like, I was thinking about it today. The last, I guess, like four or five years have been like, they've been great. I've had a great time, but there's been three people in my life who are like, I never thought would leave me or, or, or who have, like, really disappointed me over the last. And it's like, I was cool. I, I, I don't, I keep everything inside. But, like, the last couple weeks, it's been kind of nagging at me a little bit. And I don't, I, I'm nowhere. I'm not quitting car. I have no desire. It's the only thing that makes me happy, really.

[Joey Diaz]

But if you quit comedy, they won.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. They. Whatever got into your head one day. One day. One. And that's one thing I love about comedy. Whether you're broke, as with no electricity, no food, you could always find the stage and you could always talk about it, you could always talk about it and go, what the fuck, man? I'm 37, I live in an apartment. I can't afford the water bill. You know, that's the truth. So that's what I was going through. And then I met Ralphie and I met all these other guys that were all going for the same thing. And that helps. You know, it's tough for me to tell George, if you do this for four years, you're gonna become a millionaire. People, that shit goes in one ear and it goes out the other. But then when your friend gets a half a million dollar deal and another half a million dollar deal year later, and then when you see a buddy of yours that you shared shit with between years just to eat, and now he's moved into a fucking house and he's got three cars. And so you see it. It's not like this Guy worked for 20 years and he had a bakery. You didn't see it. You just heard the story, right? And then you're like, okay, I'm gonna open up a bakery and do the same thing Mr. Parmisano did. Yeah, give me a break. Give me a fucking break. It's that fucking thing, you know. Give me a fucking break. It's just you want the things that, you know, you just want things and dog. And for seven years I wanted things and I had this fucking addiction hanging over my head. So from time to time I would buy a pair of pants or a shirt or a T shirt. And you're like going to these places, people have nice clothes. You have like fucking farmer jeans on that two sizes too big for you, you know, it just got old, man. Yeah. So if I'm gonna be. If I'm gonna dwell on that shit, then I might as well do comedy. And I didn't mean to interrupt. No. When you have what you had, and this is what I tell people, you gotta check on the skeletons in your closet. Because if not, they check on you. And that's exactly what happened on that flight. I checked on one of my skeletons and it fucked with me a little bit. I went on stage last week and I talked about it and I fucking killed.

[Lee]

Oh, great.

[Joey Diaz]

But listen, man, when you go on stage, is there anybody there with you? Nope. Okay, then that's the story of stand up comedy. And you do stand up now, and I do stand up now so I could tell you my issues. Okay.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

But my nephew Nick, what's he know about stand up comedy? Right? So if I come to him. So you're living In a world that nobody understands you. Right. Nobody understands you. When people come to you. Oh, my God, we're going to Long island this week. Me and my girlfriends and all the husbands. You're like, I'm not doing it. And they're like, what do you mean? Everybody's gonna be. It's Saturday night. Yeah, sorry. It's Saturday night. You want to do those things, do them on Wednesday. Well, can't you cancel? No, I can't. People don't want to hear that. People don't want to hear that. And I've told you a thousand times, next time you're on the road with Josh Wolf, ask him. When you had those parties with Scott and people jumping up, was Joey Diaz ever there? Never. I had a spot.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And even though I was a junkie and I wanted to snork coke, I had two spots.

[Lee]

You know what's. I think when. When you people are used to you doing stuff for them or just saying yes the first time, you're like, you don't do exactly what they want. Even if you're not being an. Even if you're just like, I. I gotta do this for me. That's. Honestly, that's what happened with the. The people who really let me down. It's like, as soon as. Like, I'm always. I've always been a people pleaser. And as soon as. As soon as you're like, oh, I gotta do this for me, a lot of people don't like it. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's okay. Because they're not on your dream. So fuck them. Fuck them.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, what I should say to you. People will never understand your dream. Okay. And this is what I want to do, man. Oh, well, you'll be back in three years when you fucking find out how hard is. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You just showed your colors to me. Now I'm definitely gonna do it, and I'm gonna come back and ram it in your fucking ass.

[Lee]

Well, yeah, with a stack of hundreds. Yeah, with stack of hundreds or with.

[Joey Diaz]

A big black dick. I just got the Amazon real quick. Let's take a breather here and talk to you about DraftKings. Be all the bowl games and the pick six. There's a lot going on in the sports world, and DraftKings is here to help you out. We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey. Here for DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one sportsbook for live betting is making money. Every moment of the NFL playoffs worth watching. DraftKings is turning up the stakes with over 2.5 million in prizes up for grabs every Sunday. For your shot at the pot at the DraftKings sportsbook app, opt in and receive a promo token. Then place a live bet of $14 or more on any Sunday playoff game. That's it. Every live bet needs means another chance to win. Last night Pittsburgh was losing 3 nothing. I bet 20 to get 100 if they won the money line. And there I am. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and pressing Code Joey Joey. That's Code Joey Joey. Bet live for your share of $2.5 million in prizes with code Joey Joey in partnership with DraftKings where the crown is always yours. Gambling problem. Call 877-8-HOPE and wire text hopeny 467-36921 and over. New York only. Eligibility and restrictions apply. No purchase necessary. 3 sweepstakes with separate opt ins minimum odds minus 500 price prizes either bonus bets that expire in 7 days or single use profit boost. See official rules at DKNG co livemillions for entry period and free method of entry. Sponsored by Crown Gaming, Inc. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I like talking about these type of issues on the first or second podcast of the year, okay? So people know, like they look at things and they go, all right, what does my year start now? What do I want to do this year that I haven't done before? Or, you know, and it's funny. We were talking about discipline before. I was a fucking junkie for 29 years. I couldn't control my. And I've told you this once before on this podcast, when it was the comedy, I did it to the T.

[Lee]

Even though you were doing drugs.

[Joey Diaz]

Everything else in my life I didn't do to the T. Comedy, I did to the T. And nothing stands out more than then it being a Friday. And I used to hang out with this girl in LA when me and Carol broke up, like three months. And she used to fucking. We would both do drugs and eat each other out. Disgusting stuff, you know. And she called me one day in the afternoon and she goes, tonight, let's, after your spot, let's get together. And I'm like, okay. And I had $15, like it was a Friday. I was going to pick up like three checks with 45, okay? I never forget pulling up to the Comedy Store and there's five cases of Jack Daniels, three cases of whiskey, you know, three cases of vodka. Me going, cha ching. Just two of those cases of fucking Jack. I could sell them at a liquor store for 60 cents on the dollar. And I remember going, no. And that's when I realized I was like, okay, this is 10 years in, maybe not even nine years in. And that's when I realized that fucking how serious I was about this. Because any other time, I would have stolen the fucking Jack Daniels. But that was the day I realized I could. Okay, I'm on to something. I respect what I'm doing finally in my life.

[Lee]

Do you think it was because it was at the Comedy Store? Like, if you had seen that, if you'd pulled into a liquor store parking lot, do you think you would have taken it?

[Joey Diaz]

A liquor store? Yes.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

But improv, a comedy club? No.

[Lee]

Right there.

[Joey Diaz]

Again, I didn't want to ruin my chances. Like I've done thousands of times before. Thousands of times before I could tell you how many opportunities I blew in regular life. I was like, I'm not going down there today. Or I got high that night and didn't show up. Or, you know. Right. This opportunity, I didn't want to blow. So you got to take it a little serious. And, you know, like I said, man, me, Ralphie, there was a couple of us that were on the same page that we didn't give a fuck what you were doing or what was going on. We're going to do comedy. Doesn't matter. Oh, my mother's coming to town. Tell her to take an Uber and I'll meet her at the hotel at 11:30. Why? I got a spot. You're not taking. No, I'm in la. I'm in a fucking. I'm on a fucking. I'm not in Tulsa, Oklahoma, doing comedy three nights a week or fucking South Jersey where you do comp. No, I'm at the major leagues. And after that I gotta go to the lap factory. And now you wanna come with your fucking parents throw me off for five days. We're gonna go to Disneyland. No, we're not gonna go to fucking Disneyland. I'm not doing any of that shit. I got auditions in the daytime. Well, you know. No, I don't know. No, I don't know. Cause I could be on my way to Disney. Ha ha ha ha. With Mickey Mouse ears. And all of a sudden I gotta audition for a TV show. I ain't doing it, so I wouldn't do shit. People would say, don't you want to come? What was that place? Remember they opened all those restaurants with the. The Chicago one? Remember they opened up a Chicago Pittsburgh restaurant or something? Remember that? We had the black and white Shake. And it was from Chicago.

[Lee]

Oh, oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You took one of your freaks down there.

[Lee]

Is it not Primantia? I don't know that that's in. That's in Pittsburgh, the hot dog. The Chicago, they have a. The steak and they have the hot dog and the cake shake.

[Joey Diaz]

The cake shake. Yeah. People say, come down, dog. It's 40 minutes. 40 minutes each way with no traffic. That's three hours. Three hours. I don't have three hours. Yeah, but. But nothing. That's three hours. Three Hours. Go get a hot dog and tell your friend, stay up here, write a joke, get together with your buddies at Starbucks. Yeah, that's what you. That's what we did. We were going to Ralphie's in the afternoon. We got five bucks, get some sodas and write some jokes.

[Lee]

Did you have a time, like where you tried to go do one of those things and you got an audition or like all the time your car broke down and couldn't make your spot?

[Joey Diaz]

I learned that six months in. Because when I first moved to la, I lived in Hollywood for two or three months and then my girlfriend got an apartment in fucking Marina. What's the other one? Where fucking Motley Crue crashed his car right around the corner from that place. Okay, that's an hour 15 every night.

[Lee]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

At 12 o'. Clock. And I had no brakes on that car. That car was on metal to metal, Jack. Nope, there was no brakes on that car.

[Lee]

No wonder you learned to drive so fast. Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

So I would have to go all the way down there, and then you have an audition. You gotta come all the way up, do the audition, go all the way back, and then come back to Hollywood at 10 o' clock at night.

[Lee]

Fuck that.

[Joey Diaz]

I ain't got that type of time. That's too much fucking driving. You know, people think like, oh, it's only 20 miles. 20 miles in Jersey at 5 in the morning. There's a big difference from 20 miles in LA on that 405.

[Lee]

Oh my God. That could take you hours.

[Joey Diaz]

People don't even realize. People. Nah, you. You can make it in three hours. I'm not doing it. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't. I don't care about any of that shit. It's got nothing to do with me. I didn't move to LA to go to Disneyland. I didn't move to LA to go to San Diego. I didn't move to LA to fucking any of that shit. How many times I was there 23 years. Tell me. I went to the beach 23 times. Not even close. Not even close. If I went to the beach 10 times and the last eight times was because I had a kid, right? So before the kid, you weren't getting me to do dick.

[Lee]

I think there's. I think you went to the beach once and you did it for a Mad Flavors World video.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's it. It's too much, man. I don't have that kind of life. And I saw people, and those are the people that do that every day. We went down and played Frisbee. They're the ones that call you and go, I don't know what's going on in my career. I'll tell you. He was down there playing Frisbee on Friday.

[Lee]

Holy. Speaking of Disney, have you found out at all, like, one of your adult friends is, like, a Disney adult? Like a. Like a guy who. Or like, I stop talking to him. If they have, like, adults go to Disney just for fun, without kids.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I was telling my wife the other day, I go. Because my wife always brings Southern desserts to these parties. And they eat, like, two slices, and I tell them before each one, why are you making that? These people don't eat that shit. Well, they told me they all love pineapple upside down cake. Then you get there and they. A little sliver, okay? And I'm stuck with the fucking cake at night when I'm getting high and I got 8,000 milligrams of edibles. Now I gotta walk past a pineapple upside down cake, okay? And this is constantly. Any party she goes to, she brings something from the fucking south in South Jersey. Central Jersey. And every time. About two weeks ago, she didn't buy a pecan pie. She bought a big one from Costco. And I go, what is this for? She goes, oh, I'm bringing it to the party. And I looked. And I go, terry, those people don't eat pecan pie. They all told me they won that night at the party. I looked at it. There was one slice taken out. I didn't say a word to her. I didn't want her to feel bad, but I had to tell her two days ago. I go, that's enough with that Southern shit, okay? She goes, I was waiting for you to bring it up. Yeah, because. Stop it. Nobody gives a fuck about the south here. You could go all through Jersey, all through New York City. There's maybe one or two places dedicated to the South. And that's fucking. You know, that's like a long Thing you know, you're not gonna get ribs from the south here. You're not gonna get half that shit here. You're not gonna get bar. These people in the Bronx, they make good barbecue. Listen, give me a fucking break, right? Okay, you want barbecue, you go to Austin, Texas, or somewhere in Texas, Houston or, you know. But again, so I told her, I go, stop with that shit. I go, these people like fucking cannolis. These people like the same cheesecake from Costco. Put a cheesecake from Costco, it goes first. I go, they're the same boring people they were when I was growing up in Florida, when I was growing up in Jersey. One of the reasons I left Jersey, that's embarrassing to me, is everybody from Jersey goes to Florida. That's all they know how to do.

[Lee]

I think that's a whole northeast.

[Joey Diaz]

That's all they know how to do. Florida is the big savior. So every fucking ginzo I grew up with, they have two weeks off vacation. One week they go to Atlantic City, they break out the white shoes, God forbid. And this is before the borgata, you know what I'm saying? When they were going down, acting like Cheech. And then the other week, they just go to Florida. Then they come back and tell you how great it was. And then you're back fucking digging trenches, right? That's no vacation. You gotta go back and dig a trench. That's no fucking vacation. My point is that when I told people I was going to Colorado, they looked at me like my head exploded. And I was so happy. Because you boring motherfuckers do the same fucking shit. The same fucking shit. We went to Florida. Listen, I don't like Florida that much. I never have. There's a certain areas in Florida that you go to in the hip. You get lost in Florida, bro. That's a different type of redneck. That's a different type of white dude.

[Lee]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. That's a different type of white dude. And the more you go up north, it gets creepier and creepier.

[Lee]

I don't think you have a problem with. Maybe you do have a problem with Florida, but I think it's like. Like, people do, like, the whole. Like, if everyone gets, like, the Stanley Cups, you. You hate it when people do, like. Everyone does the same thing just to do it.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you mean?

[Lee]

Like what Nick just said. Nick said you don't like trends. And I. I would agree with that, but just, like, we're going to jump.

[Joey Diaz]

On fucking everything that's brought up to you. You don't remember L. A. One of the biggest things that bothered me L. A. Was baseball season. Everybody got a Yankee hat. Soon as the Yankees got to the playoffs, bro, they could be for Mars. They could be from. They can have a Somalian daycare and they'll still have a fucking Yankee hat on. Like we're Yankee hats. And it looks bad, okay? You see a girl with the ponytail, that cunt. Look, you look bad. You rehearsed that look. You were home for an hour putting the hat on, the ponytail. It looks bad. You look bad.

[Lee]

Yeah. You don't have any mind for yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't have nothing for yourself. Everything you switch. Oh, my God. There's a new pizza place in the Village. You have to order a pizza and pick it up at 5. What are you talking about? I will smack you. There are 200,000 pizza place that you walk and get a slice of pizza and the pizza is acceptable. People jump on trends. I am not going to jump on a trend. And I will do it on purpose to prove to you that I can live without that. That's the discipline, right? I could live without that. I told you guys a story about quintessence never went to quintessence. People would bust my balls. We're going to quintessence. I refused to go to fucking quintessence. And the more you bust my balls about it, the more chances I gotta not go, the more I hear people go, oh, my God, you gotta go. They drop you on your head. Okay, yeah, that's what I want to do. Leave me the fuck alone. Okay? Leave me the fuck alone. If I was to put every shoe on like, these are $50 sneakers now. Get $50 sneakers all day long. I just walk into fucking Kohl's or whatever and I take a. But if you want me to pay $300 for a pair of sneakers that look like some fucking Somalian dude wore them, I'm not doing that. Black, red, green, what the fuck? White goes with everything. That's it. I want red. Green. I got to put the pants to Matt. Leave me alone.

[Lee]

I've never been so happy to be wearing white shoes.

[Joey Diaz]

White sneakers. That's it. End the fucking story. Everybody's. You could wear with a pink fucking jumpsuit. Yeah, what are you gonna do with those? Clown Julius, Herb. Whatever. Those Michael Jordan shoes were green. Red. I like your sneaker game. Oh, thank God, you know. You like my sneaker game? The out of my face.

[Lee]

That's great.

[Joey Diaz]

It's.

[Lee]

It's hard. I. I think a Lot of people struggle with that, with, you know, because like I see it, I know what pizza place you're talking about, that he got to wait. They got to put it. Wait in line to put your order.

[Joey Diaz]

And come back when you told me. And these white people, good geek, they bite right into it. I'll wait two hours for a pizza if it's going to be that good. Listen, first of all, you're from Pennsylvania. You wouldn't know a pizza if it hit you in the fucking face, right? You're from Iowa. You wouldn't know what a pizza is. You're from fucking. You know all these places where pizza is not irrelevant. They don't put no effort into making a pizza, you know, no effort at all. You know, so then they come here and all of a sudden they're pizza fucking moguls. Listen, if you know anything about me, right, if you're under 10 and you're talking to me about pizza, I already looked the other way. Ask George. I can't. I don't have time.

[Lee]

Under 10 years old.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're under 10, you're allowed to tell me. Well, my. I went to, with my grandparents to a pizza place in Parsippany and it was pretty good. But when grown men tell me they're going to go somewhere to get a pizza, that's what a conversation ends for me.

[Lee]

That's, you can't. Don't respect them at all anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

It ends, I don't know what you're doing. You might as well get a little hat with a propeller. I don't know what you're doing.

[Lee]

Is that how you see people when they talk to you about stuff like that? Like all that stuff go like this.

[Joey Diaz]

When people talk to me about that, there's something else you can be doing. There's always something else you can be doing, you know? Well, they said there's a great pizza place. It's an hour and a half from here. Let's go, Nick. No, no, I'm not doing that. Whether it's Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday. You want to go take the hour and a half, right? Go ahead. But there's no reason to talk anymore because you're a fucking moron. And that's the way I look at that shit. Life has so much to offer, but you've decided that pizza is everything in your world or anything else. Anything else. Listen, I'm sitting here talking from a pizza perspective. There's a thousand people at home going, joey, you snorted coke. I would never do coke. Well, I would that was your hobby?

[Lee]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But it was fun for me. It was fun. That's what was fun for me. Fun is not, you know, I see people and that. It's like you're making believe you're having fun. There's no way this could be fun. Something's not right here. The paperwork ain't right. It's just. What the fuck are you talking about?

[Lee]

Yeah, like. Like how we started this was like the Disney thing. Like, if that's fine, and I went with my ex and her kids and we had a good time. But if, like to go there without kids is kind of.

[Joey Diaz]

Even with fucking kids. It's a one time deal.

[Lee]

That's it.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, One time. You saw. Listen, I am very grateful for my daughter. I am very grateful. I am upset because she got a lot of my shit.

[Lee]

That upsets you?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. Because it's not a way to live. It's not the way people should live, you know? But she don't like Disney. She don't like American Doll. She didn't go for any of that. We went to Disney World one time Land and she was like, I'm good. And I'm like, I love you for that because I'm not going every year. I am not going. You. You can't even buy a water in Disneyland. Now you're making me $9. You can't bring your own water. Little things like that. This is a kid place for, you know.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If I want to go dressed into Disney with a rocket ship up my ass. That's what Disney's about. It's not about charging me $9 for a fucking water.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah, they fuck you.

[Joey Diaz]

I have a couple across the street from me and I love them dearly. I spend Christmas with them every year. Love them, love them. She's one of those Disney people, like twice a year, three times a year. And I goof on her all the time.

[Lee]

You know me, of course, I'm sure. I'm sure the entire time she's at Disney, she's getting phone calls.

[Joey Diaz]

But I love her. She makes the best possible zool. She makes some of the best food I've ever tasted. So she gets a pass.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

She go to Disneyland all she wants. Okay. As long as she has my chicken with fucking potatoes. Couple weeks when I got up, man, she brought me that chicken with the potatoes and the sausage in it. And she makes the potatoes separate. What is it? Oh, I went upstairs. That was New Year's Eve. I stayed up till 4. I went upstairs and I Found that shit. The chicken was clean, Bobby. And she had spicy sausage in it.

[Lee]

Oh, nice.

[Joey Diaz]

And the potatoes were fried crispy to the crib. Oh, my God.

[Lee]

So she gets a pass on going to Disney?

[Joey Diaz]

She gets a pass. She gets a pass. George is my brother. He gets a pass for that piece of stupidity.

[Lee]

You torture him constantly about it because he's an adult.

[Joey Diaz]

He's 60 years old.

[Lee]

So what does a pass mean?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you know, I just leave him alone on some efforts because I love him. Next. I love Nick, but he's got a fucking Tesla.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You follow me? So. But I love him more than Tesla. So. And. But every time a Tesla cuts me off and slows me down by 15 fucking miles per hour, right? I got a problem with Nick, you know, I got.

[Lee]

He represents. All Teslas. Are Nick's fault now.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And Priuses and shit. I hate those. Those Toyota Priuses, bro. They're always at the worst place at the wrong time.

[Lee]

Was that anywhere around you, dog?

[Joey Diaz]

I almost killed one the other day. And I had to pull up next to him. Go. You're a dumb fuck. You don't know how lucky you are to be alive. I made a turn. He was right there. He just stopped to park. There was no parking. The parking was like this. His car was like this, a Tesla. And he's, like, looking at. You know when you make a right and it's right there. Look. If I wasn't paying attention, I would have sent him through the. If I was, like, looking around, listening to music, he would have still been in the hospital.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, especially with your car people. I think the saving gas made them stupid. You know, I think it made them stupid the way they fucking drive. And then they. They will not leave the left lane. They refuse. I take everything out of my car. I used to be one of those people who used to throw shit. I used to have those little paint cans and shit. I used to steal them from Boulder Auto Body. And I had thousands of them in the car.

[Lee]

What do you mean paint cans?

[Joey Diaz]

Little paint cans. Instead of a big paint can, they're like this.

[Lee]

Oh, they have, like, little. So for people listening, it's just like a little. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And they fucking hurt. And they'll dent your car. They'll break a window. Oh, shit. And I would sit on my wife's car driving, and I would flip them over this way like a grenade. People would stop. And I will you up when I'm driving. I have stopped because I'm an adult now, so I can't be doing that shit to people. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee]

But when did you. I feel like you were doing it up until like a re. Like recently. It's not like you stopped when you were 20. I think you stopped at like 44.

[Joey Diaz]

If you know anything about me. I haven't stopped doing anything except shoplifting. And it's killing me. Oh, killing me. Every time I go to CVS, people walking out and. And I'm sitting there paying $80 for a box of nicotine gum thinking, who's the asshole here?

[Lee]

Oh, you don't think you're gonna do it once?

[Joey Diaz]

Just, what, chocolate? Yeah, it's against my core now. Like, I would love to steal something now. Like $800,000 or something. Somebody's got money in the house and shit and we get away with it.

[Lee]

Oh, but one even like Josh and Jacob love to, like, they torture me all the time because we went to mall in Houston once and we went to Nordstrom and There was a $7,000 jacket just on the rack. And it like gave me anxiety to think about a spending that much money on or in just having it out. Like if, if you were at.

[Joey Diaz]

That jacket just ain't out. They got alarm tags in it and sensors fucking have like a little rope connected to it. There's black people in Houston. You know what I'm saying? That jacket. Good to go. That jacket is good to go.

[Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

We'll be right back. We gotta talk to you about some products. We'll be right back. Then we'll wrap up the show. Uncle Joey here for Quince. Listen, a new year means a new wardrobe. Quince has everything you need to stay warm and look great. Mongolian cashmere sweaters, sharply tailored Italian wool coats, down jackets. Denim and leather outerwear built to last at all amazing prices. Listen, I love the blazer they sent Lee. It's unbelievable. I'm waiting for my box. I should be getting it this week. But Quints partners directly with ethical factories and top artisans. No middlemen means you're getting top quality pieces without paying luxury prices. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.comchurch again quince.comchurch for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada. Also, that's quince.comchurch Q U I N C E Q U I n c e.com church hey, happy new Year to the Bluechew family. Listen, it's time for you to level up your Dick game. It's January 2nd 6th whatever it is. Bluechew just dropped Bluechew Gold and I'm going to tell you something. It is tremendous. Blue Chew Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow arousal. Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue. It works as little as 15 minutes so you don't have to wait for fireworks and wait for it to listen. I tried one last week and it works. I slung dick like a champion, but I came in 10 seconds. So, hey, I gotta get Bluechew Gold to help me with some other problems. Get your confidence back in one single tablet. I mean that. Make life easier by getting harder. Discover your [e-mail]. we got a special deal for church fans. Okay, ready? Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code Joey. You're going to love it. That's promo code Joey. J O e y. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important information. Let me tell you something. It's 2026. Get on the Bluechew wagon. You want a big fucking dick that you could smack. Do a leap in the head with, you know, saying, I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. We're back, bitches. Anyway, I got a fucking hell of a week this week. I don't even know. This has been on my mind since last week because I knew this week was going to be dangerous. Mercy turns 13 this week. I know. Holy shit. Thirteen. Holy shit. And every time I see her, she looks bigger than me. She gets wider and taller. The other day she had like a fucking shirt on. We come back from the gym and she took off like a sweatshirt. You gotta see the size of her fucking shoulders.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, she works out hard in that fucking gym. I've been taking her to that fucking gym for two sessions a week. Even Jimmy Florentine was like, dog, I don't know what they're doing with her in that. She's doing a bunch of shit like fucking run. Pick up a 20 pound ball, slam it. Run a sprint, slam it. And she likes it. She signed up. She was doing one, then she came to me, she's like, dad, I need to do two. I go, you sure? She's like, yeah, so does she.

[Lee]

Because we. Like, she's been in softball for how long?

[Joey Diaz]

Five years.

[Lee]

And like, I was never at all. Like, there was not a minute of my life that I thought I was even gonna play high school sports. Like, it was. It just is her goal, like college, like softball. Because she. It seems like she's doing a lot of cool shit.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what, man? This is the flavor of the month, okay? You know, will she stick with it? I hope so. But she really, like, now she's talking about switching schools because the school she wants to go doesn't have jazz band. And that's her other thing. She plays the stand up bass and the fucking whatever bass. So her music teacher told us she was, Terry, I'm at Mercy. If you stick with this, you'll get a scholarship. Nobody else plays this. There's no girl playing a fucking bass that big.

[Lee]

Oh, wow, cool.

[Joey Diaz]

So she's into this shit too.

[Lee]

Is it cool seeing her have, like, specific interests? Because, like, when you're a little kid.

[Joey Diaz]

I would hear her play the bass and I would sit downstairs, go, what the fuck? One night I actually went upstairs and I watched it. I was like, I called my uncle. I go, who knows how to play this? Where do you learn how to play this?

[Lee]

Well, you have two people. Like, have you talked to your cousins at all? Yeah, I talked to the musicians.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I talked to them. I talked to them. I just found the one. He's in Belgium, so we've been talking on Instagram.

[Lee]

Oh, nice.

[Joey Diaz]

And then the other cousin, she talks to me a lot more than anybody in my family.

[Lee]

Like, do you think any of that could be genetic? Like the music and like the art?

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely. Yeah, Absolutely. That something runs in your blood. What it is, I don't know. I mean, my family have no comedians. Unless I don't know about a great uncle who's doing comedy in Cuba or something, or was a house MC or something like that, performing. You're right. It's in your blood, man. Yeah, it's in your fucking blood, you know?

[Lee]

And like, for her to be 13, you know, for Jews, that's when you and become an adult. I'm, I, I know she's not gonna have a bomb, like, do any of that stuff, but, like, she's turning into, like a little person now. It's like, it's like a legit.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, it's real.

[Lee]

And in no time she'll be doing college stuff. Yeah, like, in no time.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm telling you, it's fast. And you sit there and go, holy fuck. Just the fact that I've been here for five years. Yeah, like, the novelty's worn off. I'm here, you know, five fucking years. It's insane how fast these last couple years have gone. And I'm really happy about it. I mean, hey, listen, this is the evolution. I'm not gonna sign up for an anti aging class. I'm just gonna lift weights and go to jiu Jitsu and box and drink water.

[Lee]

You have none of the. Have you. Do you do any of that stuff? Like the anti aging. That creepy guy with the. With the shiny skin? Whatever. Have you seen that guy?

[Joey Diaz]

What do I look like I use anything for my shiny skin?

[Lee]

He's creepy. Who knows? He might be smart, but he's spending, like, millions of dollars and it's like, reverse it. Like, and I should probably do somebody. Like, he's also selling, like, a drink mix that he uses for, like.

[Joey Diaz]

They're all over the Instagram. Go on Instagram, they got protein for old guys that's gonna change your life. They got this. They got that. Last time I checked. A good steak takes care of fucking all that shit. Good steak with a handful of fucking broccoli or a handful of asparagus. That's it. That's it. You don't need all those supplements, if you really, really think about it. The creams. Listen, I got, like, fucking dry skin. I get rashes, but I don't put, like, shit under my eyes and bags. I am what I am. I'm a fucking billy goat, you know? This is what it is.

[Lee]

I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't realize, like, what washing your face meant until I was, like, 35. And I would wash my face in the shower with just, like, the soap. But, like, my ex had to, like, oh, no. Like, you got to do, like, use some, like, face wash and then use some. Some loser. I never did that.

[Joey Diaz]

I got to take a shower the second part of the day.

[Lee]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Because the first, what I'm washing off in the morning is whatever came out of me at night. Sometimes I wake up with an itchy ass, you know? So I know I've been scratching that motherfucker all night. So you know there's something comes out of your body at night. All right, but, like, I'll go. Even if I don't work out, let's say I have a day off on Wednesday and I don't work out. When I hit the shower again at 4 o', clock, I'm a greasy motherfucker. Like, when that water, hot water hits me the first three minutes. It's like when you walk into a garage and you see the oil and the water. I could feel it hitting me. And I could feel like whatever I have on my skin is fucking disgusting. So I take that loofah and I loofah everything Then I fucking my hair, you know? Right. I got an antiseptic for my ear, you know, in the shower I got all this shit I use, right? But it's to be clean, not the fucking anti age, you know. But I do all that stuff there. I know you got to wash your face because listen, if I didn't wash my face, I'd have blackheads the size of that fucking lamp.

[Lee]

Oh, I know. I just got a facial to get rid of shit before the wedding.

[Joey Diaz]

I got to scrub my face, man, a couple of times a day. I got that one stuff. My first wife used to buy me that stuff. And I real Clinique.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Clinique is good for men.

[Lee]

I have no. I had no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

I have like a charcoal soap you could use. You know, they have a couple things. I bought the box, the sampler, two years ago in Sephora. It's like a woman's store, but they have a little section for guys in there. I went with Mercy and I got.

[Lee]

I was gonna say, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I went over and I got some of that. And that's great stuff, you know. But if not guys, you know, I have blackheads. I pull out blackheads out of my nose now. They're like eight inches long. They just go. And they keep coming.

[Lee]

Eight inches.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. I have to squeeze it like with a thing. Like a squeegee. I got like a little nose squeegee I just scraped my nose with. I could feel when my pores and my nose are clogged by touching it. I'm like, I gotta go take a shower.

[Lee]

I feel like that's. You just. You got addicted to that now.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. I dig into this side here.

[Lee]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I got a lot of oil in here. And it smells when I squeeze it. It smells inside my nose like I'm driving on the turnpike.

[Lee]

Inside your nose?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee]

I thought you were taking the whatever came out and smelling that.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I take and put on a tissue. I don't smell that. That shit's terrible.

[Lee]

Have you gotten into. Because there's like a whole series on YouTube of people popping blackheads and you don't like that. Oh, so you just like doing it to yourself? You don't like watching other people do it?

[Joey Diaz]

No. That Chinese lady, that's disgusting when she gets out of those people. They should throw those people in prison that come in like that. They haven't showered in 200 years. They got a lump on their neck. And this poor Chinese lady, you know, I can't. I don't want to watch that shit at all.

[Lee]

Is that why you think they get stuff like. Because they're huge? Like, it's like, man, they have so much.

[Joey Diaz]

You ever squeeze something that something comes out?

[Lee]

I love squeezing something.

[Joey Diaz]

And it looks like something you ate two days earlier. Like when you look at, like you get a pimple on your ass and you pop it, pop. And it pops like that. And you look at your nail, it's got like a little yellow, a little green. You're like, it must have been that fucking cauliflower taco.

[Lee]

I think it was the lamb nachos.

[Joey Diaz]

Sometimes you eat and it comes out of you right pimple.

[Lee]

And they just never. They never get rid of anything. I kind of like those. I'm not going to lie.

[Joey Diaz]

Not.

[Lee]

I like. I like certain things. They have these big blackheads that are called like, the dilated pore. And it just looks like a rock coming out of your side. It. I don't. I don't love. They do gross me out, but I like, I gotta be. I'm surprised you don't like it.

[Joey Diaz]

Here's an interesting point. When I weighed 415 pounds, right? I couldn't walk past my wife without her going, joey, come here for a second. I gotta get that blackhead off your back. It's fucking sticking out. You know, I don't get no blackheads on my back now.

[Lee]

Because you lost weight.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I think just something changed my metabolite. Something that. I don't have any blackheads on my back.

[Lee]

Well, you can probably clean yourself a lot more.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee]

Because at 4 8, like, it probably wasn't easy. Like, like, that's what I like. That's probably. Did you start using the loofah at 418? That's what I was just thinking.

[Joey Diaz]

418?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee]

Your weight.

[Joey Diaz]

I used the loofah before that. You didn't.

[Lee]

I've always. Not everyone uses a loofah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then a lot of people don't use a fucking. A cloth. You go to prison, those black guys will torture you. They'll call you. Even though they take showers once a week, you take them every day. When you take them, if you just put soap on your face, they'll walk by and go, you're a disgusting white motherfucker. Get a fucking towel. So I started using a towel. And the towel takes the old skit off the top layer. That's gonna. So you don't become a snake. It just feels the peel it off in February.

[Lee]

Oh, my God. I don't that would be. Is that the worst part of prison is taking showers with people.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I took a shower by myself, but they would come into shave or whatever.

[Lee]

Even still, I'm not even just talking about them, like, trying to have sex with you. Like, I'm just like the idea of, like, walking through prison with, like, a towel around your waist. What are you talking about? Like that. Like, you have nothing to protect yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, diagnostic. When they give you a shower every other day. No, Saturday, Sunday shower. And when you go down there, you're going down there with 300 people. And you're standing in a line as one guy pops out. You walk in. Oh, and the water is not caliente like at home. You know what I'm saying? It's not that type of water. You'll sit there and go, where's the hot water? And some of you look at you and go, there ain't none. And you're like, okay, this is it. And, bro, you go in there and you're like. And they leave the doors open. There's a window open. Listen, here's prison in a nutshell. It's so funny when you see these people who want rights in prison. Prison was not for rights. You're punished. You did something bad against society. Why must I give you this? And why must I give you that? Go to prisons in foreign lands. You think they do what they do here? Three fucking squares, they give you a haircut and shit? No, some prisons just throw food in the middle and you gotta fucking dive in there. In Cuba and those primitive countries, don't just come in there with a cuban sandwich. There's 20 motherfuckers. You don't eat until you stab a motherfucker. So that's a struggle. Want me to tell you the lesson I got from prison? And here it is, plain and simple. If you don't want another man telling you what to do, don't go to prison. And that alone kept me out of prison. There's no way on this planet a man's gonna come into my room, kick the bed and say, get up, shithead. Right?

[Lee]

Because that's even worse than a job. That's all, like an entire life.

[Joey Diaz]

So if you don't want people telling you what to do, if that don't work out for you, and I'm not telling you, people go, hey, don't forget to take out the garbage. Don't forget to pick up the cannolis. No, I'm talking about fucking, you know, hey, this, that, this, don't do It. And that's what deterred me. The prison was easy. I loved it. Being with a bunch of guys, sneaking drugs and no work to go to the next day. You know, since I had a driver's license, I had the best job. A lot of people go in there, they don't have a little driver's license. They never paid a water bill, you know, so if you're, like, active, you're way ahead of the fucking game. But that's what I got, because I think about it from time to time, okay? If you don't like people telling you what to do 24 hours, or let's break it down, a man telling you what to do all fucking day, don't get locked up. That's it.

[Lee]

Why is that so hard to deal with?

[Joey Diaz]

I just didn't like it. I didn't like it. I didn't like people calling me names. I didn't like people fucking saying things to me. Come on, get up in the line there. You know all that. I didn't. I didn't take to that stuff. It doesn't work for Uncle Joey for some reason. So then I won't go back to jail. That'll keep you out. It doesn't work for me. They got no Chinese food. I got no Netflix. You know, there's no reason for me to be there. And that's it. And then you just curb your life.

[Lee]

Avoiding going to jail.

[Joey Diaz]

That, you know, I don't know anymore. I'm gonna be 63 next month.

[Lee]

Yeah, your birthday, too.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm just lucky. Every day that I get up, like, I'm just, like, grateful that I just make it to the shower and I fucking eat breakfast with my wife.

[Lee]

And we almost made it through a whole episode without you talking about dying.

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee]

Why you talking. You're talking like you're 85.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but I'm 63. And you have to accept what's coming. I can't say to you, hey, tomorrow I'm going to join the Mr. Olympia contest and expect to win. Joey, you're 63. They have a division for you, but they're going to pan out. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

There's just. I'm not giving myself a timeline or anything. I'm just saying that you're getting older.

[Lee]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

This is what I got available to me now. I got both my legs. I don't know when this knee's going back in. This is going down. Any week, this knee's going down. I could feel this motherfucker Just buckling. One day, someone.

[Lee]

I'm just going to get it fixed. Why are you wearing the need til it breaks?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm waiting for it to kibosh. I'm gonna try to get as healthy as I can before I go in there because once I do this, I'm not going to be able to do anything for six months except maybe lift weights sitting down.

[Lee]

Yeah, but you said you can feel it coming.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. Listen, you get fucked in the ass, you can feel herpes coming, HIV's coming, you know what I'm saying? If you're going to keep fucking in the ass, I'm going to keep working out. The leg is going to buckle eventually.

[Lee]

Well, with that analogy, of course it makes sense.

[Joey Diaz]

But I want it to buckle when it's about to break. I don't want to just take it in there. Now I got. Wow, whatever. Want to take out of commission for six months and then I'm not back till 63 and a half. Tough to come back from 63 and a half with a bum fucking knee.

[Lee]

Yeah, but if you feel it, if it's going to fix it now, I do you. I guess I got a couple of.

[Joey Diaz]

Coils fucked up in that, you know what I'm saying? The beach in Florida hit me. The whole fucking thing hit me.

[Lee]

The beach in Florida? I thought you weren't allowed to go to Florida, by the way.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I went there, but the next trip we're going to Colorado.

[Lee]

That's gonna be fun.

[Joey Diaz]

My next trip is Colorado. Yeah, I told them already, the whole thing. We're doing one more big trip and I'm good after that.

[Lee]

You're gonna do it? What time?

[Joey Diaz]

And here's the funny thing. When I was telling my daughter and my wife on the boat and Chef Brad somebody called me from Boulder, I haven't heard from all year, and he was like, bro, when are you coming? I go, you know what, for you calling me now, I'm gonna go to Bold. I really want to go to Aspen. But that's just gonna be. Listen, nobody's gonna ski. Nobody's gonna ski, right? If my daughter was gonna ski or something. Like if we were gonna be up there for two weeks and I could put her in like a school where she's gonna ski every day, but for three days. You're not gonna ski two, four days. You're gonna ski the first day and then be sore for two days. So I don't. I might as well take them to Boulder in the spring. It's really fucking nice. You can look at the university. You can see the mountains. Three, four days. And that's my last vacation because I don't see myself. 12 hours on the plane to go to Hawaii. I don't see it. You gotta stop in San Diego for two days or something and eat a taco. Not a cauliflower one. A regular fucking taco.

[Lee]

Oh, but there's so many you could go to. You could go to the Bahamas.

[Joey Diaz]

I got no passport.

[Lee]

You can't even go to the Bermuda or Puerto Rico.

[Joey Diaz]

Puerto Rico I can.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Can I go to u. S. Virgin Island?

[Lee]

I guess it has the word us in it.

[Joey Diaz]

Really? With no passport? All right, maybe I'll take one.

[Lee]

Yeah, we gotta.

[Joey Diaz]

Because you.

[Lee]

Because I get not wanting to go to Hawaii. That's a long flight.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a long flight. To swim with sharks and forget it.

[Lee]

But Colorado, I was just. Because we went up. We. We went to Zion before we went to Vegas, and we drove through Arizona and Utah. And I was talking about driving through Colorado because it's very similar, because, like, driving through the Rockies, but there's just. There's a lot of grass and, like, little farms on these sides of the mountains. And driving through Colorado, I love the Southwest. It's my favorite. But if you go to Colorado in the spring, it's gonna be like, she might end up going to college in Colorado.

[Joey Diaz]

Tremendous.

[Lee]

It's so pretty tremendous.

[Joey Diaz]

Take her to Boulder, walk around four days, see what hippies are left.

[Lee]

You could even go. And I don't know if there's a.

[Joey Diaz]

Show, but it's funny. Something else happened in Miami.

[Lee]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was walking on the beach, some kid came up to me. He was like, hey, man, I lived in your old house last year.

[Lee]

No way.

[Joey Diaz]

And I go, where? And he goes, 1012 14th Street. I go, come on. He goes, I lived upstairs.

[Lee]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

That's my old apartment in Boulder. 1012.

[Lee]

Oh, in Boulder. I thought I was in.

[Joey Diaz]

That was when I lived on the hill by the university, around the corner.

[Lee]

You could get called back to Colorado.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And I might even do the fox theater in Boulder.

[Lee]

Sick.

[Joey Diaz]

I might just make the whole trip, like, get that Tuesday and then do the fox on Friday and then get the fuck out of there Saturday morning. That's been a thought, too.

[Lee]

Yeah, I could. I mean, that's a good way to at least pay for the. Make it. Like, now you feel like you're working.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's the problem. I don't want to feel like I'm working.

[Lee]

So how about this And I'm not telling because you're never going to do it. But I think you should go out there for two weeks. No, do one week with the family. One week worship version. Give yourself time to do a show. Yeah, but you do.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no two week vacations.

[Lee]

It's not a vacation if you do shows.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, there's no two week vacation.

[Lee]

What if you did Denver, Boulder.

[Joey Diaz]

Shut your mouth, all right? No two week vacation. Let it go. Let it go. I ain't going nowhere for two weeks.

[Lee]

All right?

[Joey Diaz]

Two weeks. I went to Florida for four days. I missed my bed. I missed that cat so fucking much.

[Lee]

Bring the cat. Bring Gray.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking two weeks. Get the fuck. There's nowhere on earth I want to go for two weeks away from my bed. And how I live in my. You know what I'm saying? Four days and I'm struggling. That fucking last day, that three o' clock flight in the afternoon. Never again. Never again. I gotta fly out early. There's nothing to do home. Nothing to do. We're wasting time here walking around. Oh, let's go do this at 11. No. Cause you're leaving at 3. You know you can't eat Popeyes. You might shit blood on the plane. You gotta watch what you eat. You can't eat. You know you're not gonna go to McDonald's before your flight. A four hour flight, he does that type of shit. I mean, this knucklehead landed in Kennedy last night about 11 o' clock at night?

[Lee]

No. Early.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, early 7 o'. Clock. That means you left Vegas at 1 or something.

[Lee]

We left Vegas at 10, you got back at like 6. Whatever it was, I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the flight was delayed like a motherfucker. Cause you didn't take the first one out again. And you know that's love. That's love. Love. Yeah. Get the fuck. Get up, bitch. Five in the morning. We're leaving. Bitch, I don't give a fuck. Get up, motherfucker.

[Lee]

You left at 3. You left later than I did.

[Joey Diaz]

You what?

[Lee]

You just said you left at 3.

[Joey Diaz]

I had to. That was the only flight available. You had options. Not one week in a row, but two weeks in a row. You had options.

[Lee]

I took a 10:00am flight.

[Joey Diaz]

You what?

[Lee]

Took a 10:00am flight.

[Joey Diaz]

But it was two hours delay and that's why you got here at 6:00 clock at night in Kennedy. And then you flew into Kennedy like a genius that you are.

[Lee]

They don't have any non stop flights to LaGuardia.

[Joey Diaz]

Then you don't go. That's it. That's how you get out of it. Got to go over there for fucking the week after Christmas and get stuck on an airport like these idiots did.

[Lee]

No one got stuck.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you did. You got delayed for two or three hours. You got into Kennedy at seven like an idiot again after we just told you the week before to take the early flight. Seven, six, out. Everybody get up. I don't give a fuck. If not, you stay here on your own honeymoon or no fucking honeymoon.

[Lee]

I wish that's how it worked. You just, you literally, just the same day, had a 3 o'.

[Joey Diaz]

Clock. Why did I have a 3 o'? Clock?

[Lee]

Because you chose a cool airline, right?

[Joey Diaz]

And they only have two flights a day, right? And I went with one here and one there. You didn't take a cool airline they don't have. You took a fucking shit airline. I know she's a millionaire, but you sat in coach in the middle, smelling other Hindus and God knows what. And you left at 10 o'. Clock. So you know. Why all this money? Are you gonna have all this money to sit in the back with fucking civilians again?

[Lee]

Sitting in the back?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't get it. Oh, you sat in the middle. Big fucking deal. With all that money, with 10 pharmacies, I'd be in first class, four seats, and she sits there and I sit here. I got my own seat. You sit there, you eat the fucking cauliflower. I'm gonna sit right here and do what the fuck I want. Scratch my balls, sniff my fingers. They got you in the middle. Oh, we got more leg room. What the fuck? You just told me she had a building. What the fuck? Legroom, cash, the building in.

[Lee]

Her parents have stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

Who gives a fuck? Then go hit them up. I married your daughter. She told me she had money. It's over.

[Lee]

No one told me.

[Joey Diaz]

From now on, it's first class tickets all the way. We don't go nowhere, darling. First class, so we don't go nowhere. I didn't marry you for fucking health. I married you because you had millions.

[Lee]

Let's do this shit right.

[Joey Diaz]

Right? That's what you told us on the plane.

[Lee]

No, I didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you did. She's got million dollars. You say it on stage, the whole fucking thing.

[Lee]

Don't say shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And now you're married and you're stuck in coach in the back. We got extra legroom and we left at 10:30. Yeah, great. What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Lee]

Nothing. And no, it was not delayed. It was one o'. Clock. It's a five hour flight, God damn it.

[Joey Diaz]

Five hour flight.

[Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Unbelievable. Sit in the middle again.

[Lee]

No one's had.

[Joey Diaz]

As soon as you get that ring on, it's over, okay? We're getting a limo to that place. There's going to be a guy cooking real food. Well, then what you get married for?

[Lee]

Because I love. What do you mean when I get married.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you told everybody.

[Lee]

No, I didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

She's got millions of dollars.

[Lee]

No one said.

[Joey Diaz]

In the plane from Florida. Did he not say that to us? That was your excuse. She's got millions. You don't understand. She's got millions of dollars.

[Lee]

Oh, she's got millions of dollars. This is not. What are you talking about?

[Joey Diaz]

And now you're sitting in the middle of the plane.

[Lee]

This is not the truth.

[Joey Diaz]

This is the truth.

[Lee]

It is not the reason I said.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody. You say it on stage.

[Lee]

Yeah, I say that.

[Joey Diaz]

She's got a lot of money. Then what the fuck are you sitting in coach for if you got all that money? Oh, my God. What a waste of fucking money to sit in coach and sniff fucking Arab feet back there. Why'd you marry a rich girl? I marry a poor girl. Why? Because she's an idiot and she married me. I don't fucking know. Well, you have this big deal, this wedding, the money. She's not getting a building. She's a millionaire. And two weeks in a row you're sitting the back of the plane like an immigrant. Like fucking that. Maduro had a better ticket, you know? I'm saying they even gave Maduro a better ticket. You're killing me. You're killing me, dog. Millions of dollars to sit in the middle and fucking smell farts. Maduro had a first class ticket with his wife. They were rubbing his feet, the whole thing. And that's a dea. They don't rub nobody's feet.

[Lee]

Holy shit, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

It's the truth.

[Lee]

No, it's not.

[Joey Diaz]

She's got millions. And then I'm sitting in the middle. I'm sitting in the middle like an idiot. Like I had nothing.

[Lee]

Because no one pay. Because I pay for shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee]

Because I pay. Because I pay for shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you gotta tell them. Listen, that's over with. It's over. In fact, I'm quitting my job next week. You got all these millions? Tell Daddy Papa to give you a job in the pharmacy. A no show job. That's it. You go over there, you put aspirins on the shelf. I'm not doing this. And you go home And I'm going to Colorado next week. I need two first class. You're going to start acting like that cop in scarface. We need two. Remember what he told Tony? I need two round trip tickets to Europe, first class. Make it an early flight. 7:00am Six. So we get to our destination. So we have a day to breathe before we have to go back to work on Monday. We just don't get off the plane like Puerto Ricans. Go home, throw your laundry, and now you got to go to work the next day, Right? Don't tell me you want to say she was a millionaire.

[Lee]

I.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you did. She got a lot of money.

[Lee]

Yes. You're using different. I never said any of that. I never said the reason. There was a reason I was marrying her.

[Joey Diaz]

You said she was a millionaire.

[Lee]

On stage I say she has more money than me.

[Joey Diaz]

You're giggling on stage. Yeah, money. Well, what the are we doing in coach? Give me a break.

[Lee]

Because that's not how life works.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you remember how it was? Remember like I told you about Paula's mother? If she ain't cooking, what's she doing here? Oh, my God. If we're not sitting in first class, what are you doing here? You know what I'm saying? I could have married some chick with points on that Visa or something like that. That could have got me into first.

[Lee]

First class on their Visa?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Like American Express card with points on that visa. They get foot massages and who's your honeymoon? You're sitting in coach like a dun. Got to sit in first class and tell people she got a lot of money. Don't worry about nothing now. Just go up. When people look at you, go like this, look, I married correctly. I'm wearing sandals, but I got a million cash in the house. So who's really rocking this motherfucker, you know? I'm saying I'm wearing a chic towel, but I got a million fucking bare bonds hidden. I love you, League.

[Lee]

I love you too.

[Joey Diaz]

But you got to get it together. That's it. No more coach tickets. You married into money. Hindu money. You got to go down and tell them how it's gonna be.

[Lee]

I can't put any of this in the podcast.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you can.

[Lee]

No, I'm not.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you have to. No, because you said it.

[Lee]

I did not say that. Dude.

[Joey Diaz]

Did anybody not hear him say she had a lot of money?

[Lee]

I've. I say she has more money than me. I don't say the reason we got married.

[Joey Diaz]

Philadelphia. I was sitting right there and both of you were giggling.

[Lee]

Yes, it's a joke.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not a joke. But you said it. She's millionaire.

[Lee]

I said yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Now you're sitting.

[Lee]

That's not why she's married. And it's her parents money.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the parents got money. Well, in time for you to go up there and tell.

[Lee]

What kind of parents want that kind of guy to marry their. No, I'm not.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen. Millions of dollars.

[Lee]

I don't need them to give millions of dollars.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm Jewish. I'm a king. You understand me? You people are my servants. Okay, so that's it. I don't want to work. I don't want to do nothing. I want to fly first class all around the world.

[Lee]

That's how that works.

[Joey Diaz]

Sure, Just come back on Mondays and do the podcast. That's what I would do. Or do it on Zoom. What the fuck? You gonna sit by the UN the rest of your life now you gotta go, Jack, go.

[Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Gotta go tell those people. This is how it is. I'm a Jew. My mother used to cut my toenails till I was 35. I need people to take care of me. You know what I'm saying? From now, when I fly. Get the J. We gotta go get the jet. It's been another fun filled episode. Where you at this week?

[Lee]

This week I'm at the Comedy Shop during the week, and then on Saturday, I'm at Artisanal Brewery in Saratoga, New York. Very excited.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, how far is that?

[Lee]

Like three hours.

[Joey Diaz]

Another brewery? Yeah. Not the one.

[Lee]

No, not the one. The. The one in Harford that I shut down. This one seems to be doing well. Thank God.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, we got the dojo Wednesday night. That's it. Oh, I want to talk to you people. There's a benefit for Marlboro Football at the Thursday at Uncle Vinny's. It's Jimmy Florentine, McMahon, a couple guys. They're funny. If you're not doing anything, go buy some tickets. Uncle Vinny doesn't have the tickets at the door. Just go down there and buy the tickets that night. I don't know exactly what the charity's for, but there'll be nobody riding on coach on that fucking trip. You know what I'm saying? First class from now on. Lee with sandals, everything. Paint your toenails, put a diamond in the fucking toenail. Are you kidding me? You're a Jew. That's how Jews live. You don't see Jews in Coach Lee, that's all only Hasidics.

[Lee]

Dude, you don't pay for first class.

[Joey Diaz]

Who, you? Yeah, I do.

[Lee]

When the comedy club's giving you some money towards it, you buy coach chickens to get upgraded.

[Joey Diaz]

Who told you that?

[Lee]

You?

[Joey Diaz]

I never bought a coat ticket in the last five or six years when I was flying a lot. And American Airlines would upgrade me a lot, but besides that, nobody upgrades me. And if you're waiting there to get upgraded, you get to the airport thinking you're gonna be in Christmas ticket. Listen, it's your honeymoon.

[Lee]

And this wasn't even a honeymoon. Like we're gonna do a bigger one.

[Joey Diaz]

It's your fucking honeymoon. That's it. It's over. No more trips. You got shit to do on people's sleep. You want to go on a honeymoon? It's first class all the way. Everything. Limo drive, a guy playing Indian music. You know how we do it. And that's how we do it. If you're going to be an Indian, you might as well rock like one.

[Lee]

Who said I'm an Indian?

[Joey Diaz]

You did. You. You threw your yarmul away and everything.

[Lee]

No, I didn't. I wore my yarmul at the wedding.

[Joey Diaz]

It's probably got cauliflower in it or something, right? It does.

[Lee]

It's a Jewish time now.

[Joey Diaz]

No more coach. Okay? You married a rich chick with her own building and they got buildings and shit. I ain't got no buildings. Remember when I told you living like a doctor? Living like a doctor.

[Lee]

Listen, what are you talking about?

[Joey Diaz]

Living like a doctor has nothing to do with money. It never does.

[Lee]

Well, it has to if you're paying for it.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's an expression in your head. It's like a state of mind. You're living like a doctor. When a club would give me 750 and the ticket would be a thousand for 300. I'm living like a king.

[Lee]

Yeah, if that was an option, but I don't have. No one's giving me that. It's $2,000 each way for first and last ticket. No, no, no, no.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when you get that oil money. You get that Indian money. You get that pharmaceutical money, that Hydricol drone money. They get that shit, they get kicked back from that family over there.

[Lee]

They're not. It's not my money. I'm not asking.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether it's yours or not. It's yours now.

[Lee]

No, it's not.

[Joey Diaz]

You're the king. You got to go in and demand shit. I married your daughter. I kept in a good place I.

[Lee]

Really don't think this is 4,000 a week. 4,000 a week? That's not going to cover my first class.

[Joey Diaz]

But they're going to give you two grand, so you're going to get eight grand a month. That's 96,000 a fucking year. Okay? That's not bad for fucking doing nothing at a pharmacy. And then you shake them down for the plane tickets.

[Lee]

Shaking that.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you talking, Shake them down?

[Lee]

You're out of your mind.

[Joey Diaz]

You're gonna shake him down, that's it. You're not planning coach no more. It's over. You're going straight. Fucking idiot. She's rich. What the fuck you think? If Terry was rich, I'd be sitting here with you? I'd be fucking somewhere, smoking cars and driving or picking her up, I don't even know. What are you waiting for to get a Lamborghini? For what? Yeah, you might as well get a Lamborghini in New York, fucking drive it around. Yeah. You're taking this the wrong way, Lee. And you're not taking it for what it is. You gave your life, you got married. It's over.

[Lee]

What's over?

[Joey Diaz]

They got more money than you. I'm caving, I'm caving. I need your cash. Go over there, see the ndos. Hang out with them. Oh my. Yeah, tell them you want a cybertruck and the whole fucking thing, it's over. I married your daughter, that's it. I'm not living like this now. I gotta live cheaply. Pharmacies, the whole fucking thing. I want limos, I want bitches. I want a little guy playing a snake all day long and have him here with me right now.

[Lee]

Oh, I wish I had a trained one right now.

[Joey Diaz]

200 a day. Give him 200 a day. Don't stop. I don't want that snake to sleep, you know what I'm saying? Don't give him a pillow at all.

[Lee]

Holy.

[Joey Diaz]

Was another fun filled episode. And we have the St. George Theater on the 31st in Staten Island. Get ready, tickets are moving fast, so get your together. You want to say anything?

[Lee]

I love you guys.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it.

[Lee]

I don't know what you want me to say, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

I love you with all my heart. And we love Lee here. We just gotta. We gotta keep him in check here because he's clipping already. He'd been married a week, he's already fallen through the caves here and shit. Not flying first class to Vegas. Are you fucking kidding me? I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black. See you next week. Sat.