12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!

Summary

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The Commercial Break

Episode Summary: "12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!"

Release Date: December 21, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

Overview

This holiday episode of "The Commercial Break" continues its signature irreverent comedy, as Bryan and Krissy lampoon everything from royal family drama to nostalgia-fueled reality TV. The show's central focus is a sharp takedown of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Netflix content (with pointed critiques of their new polo docuseries), followed by a hilarious, play-by-play roast of the vintage MTV show "Parental Control." Sprinkled throughout are moments of off-the-cuff life advice, relationship stories, listener engagement, and reminders to support charitable causes—a classic blend of banter, pop culture riffs, and absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening: Holiday Antics & Royal Rant

• The hosts kick off with Christmas cheer and inside jokes ("the mistletoe to my camel toe") [00:37].
• Bryan expresses bewilderment about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s new Netflix docuseries about polo, critiquing its tone-deafness and lack of relevance.

Notable Quotes:

• “Meghan and Harry promised to deliver… and what they delivered was a hot steaming... they stood on the table and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd.”
  — Bryan, [02:18]
• “It’s the audacity to try and make polo seem like an everyman’s sport…”
  — Bryan, [05:06]

Time Stamps:

• [00:48] – Start of the "12 Days of TCB" mention
• [01:31] – Introduction to Meghan & Harry’s Netflix debacle
• [03:32] – Bryan outlines the absurd cost and social exclusivity of polo
• [04:55] – The disconnect between the royals’ content and regular people

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2. Sociopolitical Satire & Class Riffs

• Bryan rails against trying to reframe polo as accessible, connecting it to broader issues of income inequality, healthcare, and privileged “suffering.”
• Both hosts mock the premise of suffering among the ultra-rich, with comparisons to “drinking lazy teenies in Martinique” and reminders of true hardship.
• Bryan reflects on stories that make compelling documentaries—contrasting rags-to-riches sports stories with the “polo problems” of the rich.

Notable Quotes:

• “Suffering is not drinking lazy teenies in fucking Martinique every Thursday, on your way to your private jet…”
  — Bryan, [09:41]
• “My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can’t use him in my polo match. Today is not anything that I’m fucking concerned with.”
  — Bryan, [10:14]

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3. Family and Relationship Real Talk

• Transition to personal anecdotes about meeting significant others’ families during holidays and the tests those situations pose.
• Bryan dispenses candid relationship advice: Don’t share every fight with your family or friends, or they'll turn against your partner. [18:30]
• This morphs into nostalgia about reality TV shows that centered on meddling families—setting up their next comedic target.

Time Stamps:

• [16:11] – Krissy discusses holiday family introductions
• [18:30] – Bryan’s life wisdom about keeping relationship drama private

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4. MTV’s “Parental Control” Deep-Dive & Roast

• Bryan and Krissy queue up and dissect an episode of MTV’s "Parental Control,” which spotlights parents trying to replace their kids’ “bad” partners by running alternate suitors through gauntlet-style dates.
• The hosts provide voiceover commentary, lampooning participants’ fashion, lines, intentions, and the general absurdity of the show.
• There’s frequent riffing on early 2000s aesthetics (graphic T-shirts, spiky hair, poorly scripted lines), New Jersey stereotypes, and dated reality TV tropes.

Memorable Moments & Running Gags:

• Repeated mocking of the boyfriend Jeremy’s catchphrase: “Ah yeah.”
• Making fun of the contest suitors’ jobs (“semi-pro babysitter,” “rat trapper,” “insurance salesman,” etc.) [27:24–28:17]
• Skewering awkward pickup lines and scripted moments, e.g., “I want to run a marathon” vs. “I want to try a fivesome” [30:40]
• Bryan’s delight when a contestant reveals their band is named “Brian’s Escape”—a bit that spirals into an ongoing in-joke about changing the podcast’s name [49:54, 50:06].

Time Stamps & Highlights:

• [21:06] – Cast introduction, rapid-fire jokes about appearance
• [25:06] – Critique of boyfriend Jeremy’s behavior (“pretend punching abilities”)
• [29:12] – The “Something you like about a woman starting with B?” bit devolves into “Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.”
• [33:26] – Stage-managed date selection and the family’s reactions
• [37:25] – Watching/roasting the “scurfing” date and poking fun at MTV’s invented sports
• [41:02] – More on the show’s odd family dynamics (“Why is he calling her Mom?”)
• [49:54] – Discovery of “Brian’s Escape,” leading to podcast renaming jokes

Choice Quotes:

• “Someone’s talking like that to my daughter in front of me and it’s game over.”
  — Bryan, [25:06]
• “We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are Crypto Bros now. I just want you to know that.”
  — Bryan, [32:02]
• “Brian’s Escape. That’s the name of my new band.”
  — Bryan, [50:02]
• “I can’t believe this. He’s touching her calves and I’m sitting next to you cows.”
  — Jeremy (Parental Control), [52:52]

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5. Outcome & Reflection

• The “Parental Control” segment culminates in Lauren dumping her problematic boyfriend Jeremy for Chad, the sweet, creative “scurfer” [56:47–57:08].
• Bryan and Krissy parse the show’s obviously scripted drama, reflecting on how “innocent” reality TV seemed then and the genre’s evolution.
• Closing thoughts echo the earlier themes of escapism, ridiculousness, and nostalgia.

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6. Community & Cause

• Throughout, the hosts encourage listeners to donate to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, especially during the holiday season [13:56, 35:59].
• They invite audience interaction via text/voicemail and plug their social channels and YouTube [15:12, 36:38, 59:13].
• Running jokes about keeping track of the “12 Days of TCB” and reminders to donate reinforce the show’s playful tone and community spirit.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:37 | Show begins, hosts’ holiday greetings & theme | | 01:31 | Meghan & Harry’s Netflix saga & polo documentary rant | | 03:32 | Detailed polo doc critique; class & privilege commentary | | 09:40 | “Suffering” debate: polo vs. real-world problems | | 16:11 | Meeting the partner’s family; relationship test stories | | 18:30 | Bryan’s relationship advice: don’t overshare fights | | 21:06 | Introduction to “Parental Control” episode roast | | 25:06 | Hot take on boyfriend Jeremy’s behavior | | 27:24 | Contestant occupation jokes | | 29:12 | “Starts with B” game degenerates (boobs, etc.) | | 37:25 | Scurfing date—hosts ridicule MTV’s attempts at inventing “extreme sports” | | 41:02 | Confusion/fun about odd family roles in “Parental Control” | | 49:54 | “Brian’s Escape” band name leads to podcast renaming jokes | | 56:47 | Lauren chooses Chad over Jeremy—showdown end | | 57:08 | Hosts react to final, scripted drama | | 59:13 | Outro; how to connect with TCB & support causes |

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Tone & Language

The episode’s tone is playful, biting, and full of in-jokes and meta-references. The hosts embrace the chaos, often veering into absurd tangents and riffing off each other with deadpan sarcasm and gleeful cynicism. They’re self-aware about their podcast’s own brand of “mediocre content,” echoing the irreverent and unpolished charm referenced in the show’s description.

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Final Takeaways

• This episode lampoons privilege by contrasting out-of-touch media (the royal polo doc) with the nostalgic absurdity of vintage reality TV.
• The "Parental Control" commentary is densely packed with jokes, callbacks to 2000s culture, and fourth-wall breaks—ideal for fans of improvised, hyper-referential comedy.
• Genuine moments of advice (about families, relationships, and supporting meaningful causes) sneak in, reinforcing the show’s self-aware, community-driven ethos.
• For maximum escapism, absurdity, and Gen X/Millennial pop culture nostalgia, this episode is a showcase of The Commercial Break at its wild best.

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Transcript

[A]

You know, we wish you a merry Christmas.

[B]

Oh, well, you know, I know that one.

[A]

Isn't it enough to host a party?

[B]

And now you're making me sing, too.

[A]

All right. We wish you a merry Christmas it is.

[B]

All right. Oh, I know when to come in. Yes, one and done.

[A]

All right, tell me when. Sing now. Santa Claus and Jesus are coming over now. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Ding dong.

[C]

Happy birthday, Jesus.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Dancers and prancers, welcome Back to the 12 days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the mistletoe to my camel toe, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[C]

Best to you, Brian.

[A]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. We're doing it. We're rolling through the 12 days, the 13 days, or the 20 days of TCB, depending on how you count it. Don't worry, we'll get our maths right in 2025. Meghan and Harry making quite the. Having a. Quite the kerfuffle over there at Netflix.

[C]

Are they?

[A]

So I have never really been into the royals. I think we talked about this when the queen died. And then, you know, we have to be careful. We have a. We have one of those in the building.

[D]

I'm not a royalist.

[A]

She's a royalist. Don't let her bullshit you. No, I'm kidding. Your parents are, though. So Meghan and Harry have broken away from the. From the royals.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And they came over here to the United States, I think, in the hopes and the wishes, probably the expectation that they would take over America, that they would be the. The king and queen of the United States of America, at least in a pop culture sense. Right. Because, you know, Meghan had already been famous here in the United States. And then, you know, everybody loves Harry after his jaunt in Las Vegas with his penis hanging out, you know, everyone was really excited. You remember that? Showing his penis in Las Vegas.

[C]

Hey, listen, good for Harry.

[A]

Don't stop Harry from having a good time. You can't fault Harry. Being a royal has got to suck in a lot of ways. I mean, it's got to be awesome in a lot of ways. It's got to suck in a lot of ways. So they break away from the royals, they make the announcement. They come over to California to embed with all the other rich people, Kanye and Kim and all those other people. And then Netflix comes a calling, as you know, that they would. It was either going to be a podcast on Amazon Studios or it was going to be Netflix, and Netflix, being the king of the streaming world, so to speak, said here's $100 million, go out there and make us some fresh content. And Meghan and Harry promised to deliver. And what they delivered was a hot steaming. They walked in the room, they walked in the Netflix executive boardroom, they stood on the table and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd. Because besides that very first reality show that they had, that really, let's be honest about it, while it revealed some.

[C]

Stuff about the royal reality show, I.

[A]

Think it was like a documentary, whatever. While it was interesting in some respects, it wasn't told their story, told their point of view, that interesting. I mean, let's be honest about it. And since then they have done almost nothing of note. And now to cap their time at Netflix, the hundred million dollars, that $100 million that they received to create these like four shitty television shows, they have produced a, I guess a 10 part miniseries on polo, a docu series on polo.

[C]

Oh, is that the polo thing?

[A]

Yes, I actually bringing polo to the masses because you know when you have to buy horses, stables, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of veterinary care, and you have to have four horses just to play one match of polo. Four horses? Just four. Yes. And there's six minute, like little intervals, I don't know what they call them, hex or q's or quads or jeans. Yes. Jaunt four different horses that you switch like every three minutes you switch a horse and you rest one and then you go. I watched the first 15 minutes of this terrible, terrible documentary trying to make it look like polo is the everyman sport, that people who play polo are really hero, you know, sports heroes and that the people around them suffer because of the sport that they play. Sacrifice, toil and trouble that comes with playing polo in Palm Beach, Florida. Fuck you, Meghan and Harry. Fuck you. I gotta be real honest with you. This is the dumbest fucking idea that they could have possibly had. They make themselves look even more entitled. They make themselves look even more out of touch. And they put themselves at a level that is unbelievably unattainable. No one can play polo because it's such a fucking expensive sport. Let's not even get into the treatment of the horses. You don't have enough time in your lifetime, in two of your regular lifetimes to even have one year of polo.

[C]

Two of my regulars.

[A]

Two of your regulars equal one day of Meghan and Harry, because apparently Harry can twiddle off the fucking Le Saint Croix and play a Polo match while you and I are sitting here doing the 65,000 hours of TCB just so we can pay health insurance. It's fucking unbelievable. It really is. It's the audacity to try and make polo seem like an everyman's sport when what it really is is like the egotistical. It's like the epitome of obnoxious rich entitlement, in my opinion. And I watched however long I could digest of this, and all it shows is good looking white rich men doing nothing but riding their horses along all day, riding their red rockets as they do boys, just mounting things as they do. Shirtless sometimes. Because let's make sure we get into abs.

[C]

Okay, I'm scratching that off the list then, please. Going back to Queer Eye.

[A]

Yes, thank you. Let's get to something that's a little bit more realistic, like, you know, gay guys dolling up straight guys for a hobby. Let me tell you something. If Netflix wants to spend $100 million, they can come here and drop $100 million right here. And I will work so fucking hard to give you the most mediocre content that's ever been produced on Netflix. It won't be all that good, but it won't be terrible, I promise you. And it won't be about fucking horses and. And rich people. Meghan and Harry. That's all I gotta say. Honestly, I was kind of rooting for Meghan and Harry at some point. I was like, okay, they're getting a bad rap. They're over here. They're just trying to make their way in the world.

[C]

I was, too.

[A]

But now that this polo thing has come out, I'm 100% against.

[C]

Are they showing in it?

[A]

Briefly. Okay, Briefly. Because, you know, they don't want to. They didn't want it to be a documentary about Harry just playing polo, but this is such a steaming pile of turd, and Netflix knows it, that there has been no promotional materials made. No one has been out on podcasts, abc, NBC, morning shows. No one's talking about it. There are no trailers running around, you know, other streaming platforms or however they do these things. And there's no one coming to our show. No one's come. Yes. No one's. I haven't seen Harry at the commercial break yet. Or any of those other spoiled rich brats. I mean, honestly, It's. You watch 15 minutes of it.

[C]

Well, I saw a clip of it the other day. You know how it just automatically plays when you hit on a show, which can be kind of annoying. Yes, but it just automatically played. And I thought I was like, oh, Paulo, I don't know, maybe I'll save it, but maybe not.

[A]

See if you can digest even 30 minutes of this particular show because it really got my goat in a time when people are really suffering to make ends meet, and a lot of us are struggling with paying health care costs or for feeding our families or getting from point A to point B. Listen, we are blessed that we get to make a living doing what we're doing. Super blessed. And I'm never complaining about having this job. I don't dig ditches for a living. I'm not up on high rises, you know, doing rivets. Or do they still do rivets? I'm not sure if it's okay. Whatever it is I'm doing, I, I, I'm not complaining about doing this for a living.

[C]

What's rivets? Window washing rivets.

[A]

You know, rivets.

[C]

Oh, oh, okay.

[A]

You know, the guys that we used to like, the iron workers, they would do rivets, hot rivets, they'd throw them to each other in buckets. Nevermind this different story for a different day, but we don't do rivets. And so, you know, I feel blessed in that sense. I really do. But to try and make polo approachable, like as if it was something that anybody, that 99.99% of human beings could even pretend to want to do. Listen, golf is bad enough. You really, you have to pay $150 every time I do you hear that? I have horses running right outside my door. That is unbelievable how loud that is. My daughter, one of my daughters is so loud. She walks like her dad does with her heels. And you could just hear it all through the entire house. To make polo try and seem approachable and that people suffer because of this sport that they play.

[C]

What was the suffering that was happening?

[A]

Oh, it's like in the beginning. You know how they say, coming up on this season of, you know, right. It's these wives of the polo players, and they're like everybody around him, you know, no one gets enough time from him. Everybody suffers because of polo. Everybody.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

Meanwhile, suffering is not drinking. You know, lazy teenies in fucking, you know, Martinique every Thursday, on your way to your private jet, going to a polo match. That's not suffering. Suffering is being denied health care. That's what suffering is. And these people have no idea what suffering is because that's not the world that they live in. I mean, I, listen, I Understand, suffering is relative. Like stress is relative. Suffering is relative. And if you work hard for your money, I don't fault you for being a billionaire, a millionaire. Do what you want to do with it, but please don't try and pull the wool over our eyes and all of a sudden make it seem like polo is the thing. Everybody, we should have been paying attention to polo all along. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah. No, it's not relatable at all.

[A]

You look at the formula for a successful sports documentary, docu pic, docu drama, whatever it is. Aaron Hernandez story. Aaron Hernandez came from nothing. Now, he did murder a bunch of people. I'm sorry about that. But it came from nothing. Right? The guy comes from nothing. Father is abusive, no money in the home, and he struggles all his life to be accepted, to be. To figure out who he is. And he becomes one of the better football players. A lot of drama, a lot of strife. That's a. That. That's a br. In there is brewing. A good story for a docu series or a docu drama or whatever it is. My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can't use him in my polo match. Today is not anything that I'm fucking concerned with. It really isn't. Except for the horse that has the strain, quote, unquote, because we really know what's going on. That horse is in the glue factory, fuckers. Fuck you, Meghan and Harry. Fuck you. You know who's going to get mad about this? Marianne, because she is a royalist.

[C]

Oh, she is.

[A]

She is a royal. Well, actually, maybe she's a royalist. She won't really care about Meghan and Harry.

[C]

Well, that's true. She's a true royalist.

[A]

Right, that's true. How do your parents feel about Meghan and Harry?

[D]

They hate.

[A]

Of course they do. Of course they do. I get it. Are they fans of Charles?

[D]

I don't think they have any thoughts about Charles really, but I'm not totally sure.

[A]

Does anybody have any thoughts about Charles?

[D]

I think, you know, they have a general respect, and that's probably all they care about. I don't. They're. It's just like part of their.

[A]

It's part of their existence, part of their life. Yeah, it's. It is what it is. And. And they're. They're not really plussed either way. They don't really give a shit. Well, listen, I didn't really give a shit until I saw the absolute shit show that was Polo on Netflix. I mean, $100 million. $100 million.

[C]

They. They've had some other stuff that's gone.

[A]

They've had a lot of stuff that's just kind of failed because, let's be honest about it, they're not all that good at making television. And when they. There was, like, this whole expose on the Daily Beast. I know, it's terrible. There's this whole expose on the Daily Beast or something about this particular series and how the people at Netflix are so frustrated with Meghan and Harry. Meghan, specifically because they had come to Netflix and pitched that they were going to put together television series, docu series that basically touched people's lives and, you know, did good work and bridged whatever. And then they come to them with this, like, you know, completed Polo series. And Netflix is like, what the fuck is that? You know, what the fuck is this? Why are we doing this? And that's why they're burying it. And now, apparently, what is left in the can is a cooking show by Meghan that has been sitting on the shelf for, like, nine months that no one wants to put out there for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't get into the specifics about Netflix, but I'm telling you right now, Netflix could drop a tenth of that $10 million on us, and we would create some high entertainment. I basically just take a camera and watch my. I was going to say it's run up and down. Oh, my God. Hey, guys. Hey. We're trying to work in here. I'm trying not to become the Meghan and Harry of podcasting and drop us steaming pile on everybody. I wonder if that comes through on the. On the actual audio. It's got to, right? If it's that loud. Does.

[D]

Yeah, it does. Here and there.

[A]

It does.

[D]

Okay, well, even after it's been.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Leveled and everything.

[A]

That's the little pitter patter of Santa's elves. I just want you to know that. All right, well, listen, let's take a break. I'll go yell at my children and give them reason for therapy later on in life. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we're currently asking you to donate to this holiday season. Charities get most of their money during the holiday season because that's when the world goes around. October, November, December and January. So if you could, Don, donate just a couple of bucks to one of the charities we've been talking about this episode and last episode. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence helps women get back on their feet after they have been in an abusive relationship. They give money to Local organizations that help shelter women and families from abusive men or abusive relationships. And they do financial literacy and education for women who've been in abusive relationships so they can get out there in the world and start anew. It's a great cause that really, I. There's so many charities out there. I feel like this is one. Sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle. We need it more than ever. You know what I'm talking about? So get off your lazy ass. Donate five. Don't be Meghan and Harry. Donate $5. We'll be back.

[D]

Holidays getting you down. Family acting out of pocket. Text us and tell us all about it at 212-43332 TCB or leave us a voicemail with all of the unhinged and or spicy details. And then follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok CBpodcast. If you need a laugh or an escape, you can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at YouTube.com thecommercialbreak while you simultaneously peruse our website tcbpodcast.com to find out all there is to know about Brian and Chrissy. Now let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the Hunter holidays this year.

[A]

All right, I've sufficiently beat my children into submission, so we shouldn't hear any more of that. Okay, so after my Megan and Harry rant, you remember the first time you went to Jeff's house for the holla. Jeff's parents house for the holidays. Jeff's family's house for the holidays. Best way to say that.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

How was it?

[C]

It was great. It was nervous, you know, you're a little nervous.

[A]

Nervous, yes.

[C]

But his mom was lovely. Um, yeah, it was fantastic. This whole family was very welcoming.

[A]

Yes, that, I think. That is, in my opinion, the first time you meet the parents or the parents and then the first time you do holidays together.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Those are two, like, big indicators of whether or not things are on the right track. Yes. Are you gonna. Are you gonna be a fit? You guys can get along just perfectly fine together. Do you do well on vacation? Do you do well when you're sick? Do you do well staying together in the same place more than five nights in a row? And do you get together or do you do well at family events, introductions, family. And those family holidays, those can be make it or break it. Cause let's be honest, if you go over to your loved one's house and their parents are shitheads, or you just don't get along with them or they give you the side eye. It's very difficult to get over that. You don't want to go to your. Your loved ones. Families for holidays. You're likely not going to last very long. Yeah. And I have been through this. I know this. I stayed with someone way too long, and their family hated me, and it was very uncomfortable. They hated me so much that I wouldn't even get invited to the holidays. What it would be like. She would just avoid it, you know, well, I'm going to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, so I'll see you on Christmas Day. And I'd be like, you. I. You don't want me to come in now. It's like a pajama party, probably. And then I would see pictures on Facebook and there'll be like 12 people over there. Me not included. You.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. It was just a drama or she would start an argument the day before Christmas Eve, and that way it was. It was an excuse not to have me over. The truth was, I don't think her family liked me. I didn't like them very much any. It was a. It was a. I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like you either. It was really her stepdad that I didn't like. But anyway, besides the point, parents have a lot of influence and sway over people's relationships. Families and parents, they can make or break a relationship. And here I'm going to give you. While we're talking about this, I'm going to give you a little piece of Brian Greene advice when it comes to families and relationships. Do not tell your mom or dad, brother or sister or maybe even best friend about every single argument that you have with your partner.

[C]

No.

[A]

Because they will slowly start to despise your partner, and it will come tearing apart at the seams when. When your mother and father tell you that they're no good for you because you guys, all you guys do is fight. Because that's all you talk about is when you fight. So that's my little advice.

[C]

But the truth is that you weren't good for each other. So you.

[D]

I don't know about you guys, but everything that gets told to me gets told straight to my sisters.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Sisters. I think you can get in. You can get a. There's like a little bit of an exception there because sisters and brothers, you have that. That bond. But I have seen this play out in real life where you slowly start to turn people against your partner, even Though that's not really how you feel. Because the thing that you talk most loudly about or most forcefully about are the arguments and disagreements that you have. And you don't color it in with all the wonderful that they're doing. But you're right, they were bad for me in the first place. So them in the 90s, MTV knew this. MTV knew that parents held the most sway over who their children dated or fell in love. And they built a whole show around it. Chrissy. And it was called Parental Control. Now, while I was hunting Christina and I got in a text message change. She was telling me about another MTV show we may or may not review. And then that got me thinking about the other dating shows that were on MTV in the 90s and early 2000s that were quite frankly, insane. They would never fly now. But back then, it was a different time. Parental Control was a short lived show. I think it was only three or four seasons, but it was a. Literally. I mean, it's a great concept. I'm not sure how well it's done, but it's a great concept. And that is rather than you pick your boyfriend or girlfriend, the parents. The parents will. And here's the twist. You already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, so it's your parents.

[C]

I forgot about that.

[A]

Trying to pick a new boyfriend. I mean, who agrees to go on these fucking shows. You must be so thirsty when you say, yeah, I'll let your mom and dad pick a new dick. Yeah, no problem. I got that part down. So Parental Control. I thought it would just. It would be a great time this Christmas. Now that we're thinking about spending time with family, we don't love to go ahead and review Parental Control.

[C]

Let's do it.

[A]

You want to do that?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

All right. I may need your help. I got it. Ah, there you go. All right. This is an episode of Parental Control.

[C]

This is an episode.

[A]

This is an episode. This is episode. Episode.

[E]

My family owned construction company and I'm monitoring.

[A]

I kill people for a living.

[B]

Get the general manager for our company.

[A]

I also kill people for a living and my hair is awesome.

[E]

But Lauren is a total catch.

[B]

She's beautiful, sweet, and so much fun.

[A]

Can I just say what the. The out loud part here? Lauren does not look like the child of the father. I'm just gonna share that right now. But Lauren might be adopted. You never know. There's just one problem is Fuck it by that boyfriend.

[C]

We hate him.

[A]

We hate him. What? What is this guy? He came straight out of a Blink 182 video. He's wearing sunglasses, spiky gelled hair, graphic T shirt and board shorts.

[C]

And he got really close to the camera from up.

[A]

Of course, that's with all the rage back there for Limp Bizk. That's an original Limp Bizkit move. Chrissy Fred Durst originated that move. Face into the camera.

[B]

Boyfriend is a jerk.

[A]

This is they bleeped out jerk. They really bleeped out jerk.

[C]

My, how times have changed.

[A]

Yeah, things have changed.

[F]

She's dating Jeremy. They've been together for three months, and Lauren thinks he's a dream come true, but her parents think he's a total nightmare. So they're setting Lauren up on two blind dates with guys they've each handpicked just for her. If you think this is hard for Lauren, imagine how tough it will be for Jeremy when he sits down with her parents and they watch.

[C]

Oh, God, he sits down with them.

[A]

This is the most New Jersey family I've ever seen in my entire life.

[C]

By the way, they're responsible for the drones.

[A]

Yes. Teresa Caputo haircut on the mom, Dad's. What does he have a trash compacting company or something? A construction company.

[C]

Waste management.

[A]

Yes. And now the little Soprano in training is sitting next to them waiting for the girlfriend to go out in two dates. Hand picked by mom and dad. How do they hand pick them? Find them at a grocery store. Yeah, that was mtv.

[C]

Two of them.

[A]

I'm pretty sure the producers just showed up at the front door with, these.

[G]

Two have amazing legs.

[A]

I can't believe this.

[H]

He's touching her calves and I'm sitting next to you cows.

[E]

Enjoy looking at her on the screen because it's over, pal.

[A]

I can't believe this. She's touching his legs and I got to sit here reading jokes the producers wrote.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

At the end of the day, he probably said, this really sucks, and MTV bleeped it out.

[F]

Lauren will have to decide which guy she wants to keep seeing. Her boyfriend Jeremy or one of the new guys her parents have selected for her.

[C]

Lauren is about to be schooled by Guy. New guy.

[A]

New dick. New dick. No control. This is is back when shows actually had an opening, like a theme song. Now it's just. You just go straight into the television show that people don't have the patience for theme songs anymore. So radical.

[I]

Hi, I'm Lauren. My boyfriend's name is Jeremy. He's super hot, and he knows how.

[A]

To break it down, first of all.

[C]

Break it down.

[A]

Yeah. Well, now they would say he knows how to dick Me down really makes me. Oh my God.

[E]

Angry when Jeremy criticizes or insults Lauren.

[H]

Whoa, bad hair day.

[B]

He cuts her down and makes her feel bad about herself.

[H]

Damn, girl, you got some chicken legs. Is that what you're wearing?

[E]

He's the one that's gonna be feeling bad, if you know what I mean.

[B]

Jeremy.

[A]

My pretend punching abilities are right here. Wow. Now clearly this is just for the camera. This is all scripted. You can tell because they're poorly saying these lines. But if he really does say things like that to her, then I can understand where these parents are coming from. Someone's talking like that to my daughter in front of me and it's game over.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Wears his sunglasses all the time, even indoors.

[E]

What does he think he's some kind of movie star? He's afraid to get recognized.

[B]

Forget the sunglasses. Do us all a favor and just put a bag over your head. Drives me crazy that Jeremy ends every sentence with oh yeah.

[H]

Pork runs.

[A]

Ah yeah, baby, I love you, ged. Ah yeah. Suspended license. Yeah. Syphilis zero. Herpes simplex A. Oh yeah.

[H]

Ah yeah. Oh yeah. Tuna casserole.

[B]

Babe, finish this sentence.

[A]

Ah yeah. Pre ejaculation.

[B]

Jeremy, you're out of here for good.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[E]

And how about this one? Lauren's boyfriend throws temper tantrums anytime he.

[B]

Doesn'T get his way. He stomps his feet and yells like a little baby.

[H]

They gave me kung pao.

[A]

I ordered orange. Long again.

[C]

Oh yeah. Interception.

[H]

God, it's not fair.

[E]

What's the matter, Jeremy? You need someone to come in and change your diaper?

[B]

Our daughter needs to be with someone who appreciates all she has to offer. Jeremy, it's time for you to move.

[E]

On, cuz you're out of here.

[A]

You're gonna find a new boner for her to ride. MTV NETWORKS Casting call 1. They're outside the MTV network's building, which is so un mtv. Like I just have to say that it's like just a normal office building. And they have a line. What I can imagine is clearly set up shot of a line of guys, maybe 50 of them standing in line waiting to get the front door.

[F]

Time for mom and dad to meet the potential Brian dates for Lauren.

[B]

Hi.

[G]

Hey. I'm Dylan.

[C]

Was that Nick Lachey?

[A]

I think it was Nick Lachey. Well, he lasted about as long on this as he does on that. Love is blind. They walk in and walk out of the door. Yeah, and by the way, I'm making fun of people showing up the MTV networks. This is the guy who Sent in at least two applications to Real World, so at least.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Thanks for coming.

[E]

So what do you do for a living?

[A]

I work at a gym.

[G]

I'm working in a grocery store.

[J]

I sell insurance.

[A]

I'm a semi pro babysitter.

[C]

Insurance.

[A]

I practice masturbating. I sell insurance.

[C]

Aren't they like, in high school?

[A]

Yes. Well, I mean, I gotta imagine they're like in their early 20s, but. Yeah. He said, I'm a semi pro babysitter. A semi pro babysitter.

[D]

My pro.

[A]

Sometimes I watch them, sometimes I don't.

[G]

I'm a full time student and an athlete. I'm working on being a kid's best.

[H]

I set rat traps for a living.

[E]

Like an exterminator?

[B]

Are you serious?

[H]

Yeah. Puts food on the table.

[A]

Hey, listen, that's a guy I can get behind right there. Not the rat trap part. Sorry, you're out. But a guy who actually gets his hands dirty for a living is someone I'm okay with. I rap and dance, fold clothes all day.

[J]

Right now I'm not really doing much. Just freelance construction.

[E]

Right now I'm in construction myself.

[J]

Could you hook me up with a job?

[B]

Thought you were here for a day date, not a job.

[A]

Well, listen, if we could knock out two at the same time, I certainly appreciate it. Do you see my T shirt? Who is that? Who's on the front of that T shirt?

[D]

It looks like Mandy Moore.

[A]

It is Mandy Moore. There you go. Hey.

[D]

And a wolf.

[A]

Yeah, nothing like showing up with the graphic wolf tee that's got Mandy Moore on it. To profess your love. To Mandy Moore. And keep it open.

[E]

You know, what's something you like about a woman starts with the letter B?

[A]

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

[B]

Why does it always have to come down to boobs?

[A]

Uh, Beavis. Beavis. To be fair, I think it's the first. Yeah, you set them up for that one. Yeah, I would have said brains, but, you know. Okay, I thought we were coming up to boobs. Smart app.

[J]

I'd have to say her beauty.

[B]

Oh, my God, I love that answer.

[H]

Badonk. Badonki.

[A]

But don't kadunk.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

This is a relic. Someone put this in a time capsule.

[H]

Junk in the trunk.

[E]

So you like big butts?

[H]

I cannot lie.

[A]

I knew you were gonna say that.

[C]

I don't know.

[E]

Okay, well, hey, he's a man. What do you expect?

[B]

We need somebody who can be there for our daughter in good times and in bad. Put on this wig, pretend you're my best friend and try to cheer me up.

[A]

I'm not sure who's more thirsty here, the parents or the kids.

[C]

The parents definitely seem thirsty.

[A]

Hey, what's the matter? Why are you so upset? Have I told you that you're awesome?

[G]

Every guy at school loves you.

[H]

Hey, girlfriend, I'm sad.

[B]

Cheer me up.

[E]

I'll give you a back massage.

[A]

I'll give you a front massage. Dad's like. And some hot cocoa.

[C]

What?

[A]

Well, we already know that the parents aren't gonna like this guy. For stereotypical. Listen, New Jersey drones. That's all I gotta say. Jersey drones.

[H]

Come here, sweet boy.

[A]

Come here.

[H]

That's why I bought your feelings.

[A]

Why are you such a pigeonheart?

[B]

I'm depressed. Cheer me up. Make me smile.

[A]

Give you a break? I'm trying.

[B]

This conversation is over.

[A]

He said give me a break. I'm trying. Nothing like impressing mom, like calling her a.

[E]

Tell me one thing you like to do before you die.

[J]

A menage a trois of five cents.

[G]

Intercourse.

[A]

A fivesome. He said intercourse. Well, at least his expectations are reasonable. Intercourse.

[H]

I'd like to try that before I die.

[A]

Huh?

[J]

I want to run a marathon.

[G]

I've always wanted to kick down a door. Just find some random door and that's big goals.

[A]

Dream big, baby. I would like to have. That guy is literally the definition of a lug nut. He I is omoeba baby with Angeli Jolie.

[E]

Who wouldn't, huh? Yeah.

[H]

I want to be the first man.

[G]

To watch on the moon.

[D]

Dude, we're.

[A]

Oh, dude, come on, man. You clearly. I mean, is this Joe Rogan? Is this Rogan?

[B]

You know, we've already been there.

[E]

Why should we pick you to date our daughter? Why shouldn't you pick me?

[A]

That is the real question. Cuz I'll always be there for her.

[J]

I'm a good guy.

[A]

I'll treat her right.

[G]

I'm a gentleman. I'm always going to be opening doors for her.

[E]

It's a great answer.

[H]

You guys have an IQ of 60.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, 60. Nothing to brag about, bro. First of all. Second of all, we all know who they're gonna pick. They're gonna pick the dude with the hat who sets the rat traps. And they're gonna pick Johnny. Come lately with the Mountain Dew hair.

[C]

The beauty.

[A]

Oh, I am 160. That's right.

[E]

Good looking.

[A]

I have a big brain.

[G]

My butterscotch nipple. Oh, what do you want, one scoop or two?

[J]

Oh, I'll cheat your daughter.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I didn't need to see that.

[A]

We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are Crypto Bros. Now, I just want you to know that Crypto Bros listen to these are the dudes.

[J]

Make her happy, because I already feel a connection. I think you guys feel it too.

[E]

And here I thought I was feeling gas.

[B]

Oh, thank you very much for coming.

[E]

No problem. Thank you.

[G]

Nice meeting you. Thank you, guys.

[H]

Don't be pick me.

[J]

I'm in for the real thing here.

[A]

Cool. I love this music. It is so 2000. Rap rock rules. Okay, let's do this.

[E]

Let's see what we got.

[B]

I'm so ready.

[E]

All right.

[B]

That's my baby right there.

[E]

Well, that's your pick, and that's my pick.

[B]

Either way, we're ready.

[A]

Meanwhile, are they on a Macintosh 001? I think that they're using a laptop to pick. And MGV has put a. Like, has overlaid it with a shot of the six guys that are nine guys that they're looking at. This could not have been more unrealistic, this show.

[C]

Oh, it's so Jeremy.

[B]

Life's gonna be good.

[A]

All right.

[I]

So here's what's up. My mom and dad think my boyfriend Jeremy is bad news. So they each set me up on a blind date. My mom's choice is up first. She really likes funny guys, so I bet he'll make me laugh.

[E]

Jeremy, why don't you take off those sunglasses and show some respect.

[H]

What you gonna do about it?

[C]

Oh, my God, this guy. Wow.

[A]

Yeah, the guy who's currently dating their daughter, Jeremy. Yeah, I think he then went on to try on for Jersey Shore. Then he went on to try.

[C]

Yeah, he's a Jersey Shore reject.

[A]

Oh, yes. He looks like a Jersey Shore reject.

[E]

He's a punk ass.

[H]

I may be a punk ass for your fat ass.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

I mean, if one of my daughter's boyfriends said that to me. Oh, my guy.

[B]

Wait till you see the eye candy.

[A]

I picked for you. You're not going. The guy who sets rat traps.

[C]

Oh, I knew it was gonna be him.

[A]

Oh, Chad.

[C]

Chad One who said beauty. Yes, his the bee.

[A]

I can't believe his name is really Chad.

[B]

Hey, Chad.

[A]

Come on in. Thanks.

[B]

The guy I picked is a sweetie. He's not full of himself at all. And I think my Lauren's gonna love him. My gorgeous daughter Lauren.

[J]

I'll make your daughter happy.

[A]

And she'll have and a boner right in front of her boyfriend. I'm up for cucking. You know what I'm saying? Mom, dad, tons of fun, and her.

[B]

Creepy boyfriend.

[A]

He'S got his sunglasses on.

[C]

And he slowly pulls them down.

[A]

Oh, my God. Honestly, if this, if there's any reality in this, like if this actually happened, that the new potential boyfriend showed up during, you know, at. At a function at the house and you had to sit there and watch your girlfriend go on a date with another guy, that would be torture, I think, especially for an 18 year old. No.

[J]

Nice sunglasses, bro.

[H]

When Chad walked in, I was like, I gotta get some mayonnaise for that white bread. Screw that dude.

[J]

Sloan, you ready to go on a date?

[I]

Let's go.

[J]

I'll you see it.

[C]

Mayonnaise for that white bread. I don't remember that.

[A]

Dig me and my eyebrows will be here waiting for you. Me and all 12 inches of my eyebrows will be right here waiting for you.

[H]

On Too Much Fun. No touching.

[C]

No touching.

[I]

I'd walk through the door. You seem sweet and really good looking.

[F]

Lauren and Chad are off for some high speed fun while mom, dad, and boyfriend Jeremy get to watch the action right from their living room.

[H]

Good pick, mom.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Don't want to make sure you see this.

[A]

This dude needs to eat a cheeseburger. He's really skinny. He is very skinny. All right, before we get into the dates, maybe we should take a break. Let's remind you one more time, we would love if you would do some good with us this holiday season and donate to one of the charities. This one y' all picked, the National Coalition against Domestic Violence. Couldn't agree more on this one. Helping women and children who have suffered at the hands of abusers get back on their feet and make their way in the world. Just like good old Jeremy here is trying to is going to have to do after his girlfriend goes out with a real man. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.

[D]

Hi. You know what time it is, so let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok for now, I guess, CV podcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak so check it out and throw us a follow a. Like a comment, whatever you can spare. If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-4333, TCB. Now I have one last request. During the 12 or 263 days of TCB, check out our featured charities and Donate to them if you can this holiday season. All right, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[A]

All right. And we're back with parental control. We're currently watching. Ah, what's his name? Can't remember.

[C]

Jeremy.

[A]

Jeremy. We're watching Jeremy suffer at the hands of MTV as his girlfriend goes on a date with the real man.

[B]

Hey, pay attention, Chad.

[A]

I just can't get over his name is actually Chad.

[B]

Then you might learn something.

[A]

Yeah, whatever.

[I]

We got these surfboards. We're not by the ocean. What's going on?

[J]

We're gonna do a little sport I like to call scurfing.

[B]

Look at how cute he is.

[H]

Why don't you date him? He's got more personality than that robot man over there.

[B]

Would you know that?

[A]

Oh, snap. Does NPV pay for the counseling? After this, they're going scurfing. By the way, which I've done many times myself.

[C]

What is scarfing?

[A]

I have no idea.

[C]

Okay, personality.

[A]

All right, here we go.

[H]

A skateboard that looks like a surfboard.

[A]

Yeah, that is that. Honestly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Who wants to skateboard on a 10 and a half foot long surfboard?

[H]

Real revolutionary.

[C]

It's so revolutionary. It really took off.

[A]

Yeah, I don't remember. Notice all the kids scurfing out there? I belong to the national association of Scurfers. I'm a Scurf herder, if you know what I mean. And by the way, and we'll talk about this when this is done, but what really surprises me about this is how truncated these dates end up being. Watch. They're going to go skate down one half a block. They're going to have a little picnic in the park and then it's going to be done. She's got to choose someone else.

[B]

Don't you wish you guys could do fun things like that?

[H]

This is like the X Games, except it's like the Z's games.

[I]

Let's do it for real.

[A]

Wow. Jokes here are bad.

[I]

Wait for me.

[E]

That's what you call having fun.

[B]

Good, clean fun.

[H]

We have clean fun. I shower with her all the time.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

Jeez.

[C]

You gave him some one liners.

[A]

Yeah, they did. They're. Oh, do they like put them on cue cards or something? They must. This guy is not smart enough to come up with these on his own. So did you have fun?

[I]

I had a great time.

[A]

Let's get some of these. Let's get some chow. Let's get off these Skirts. And let's go chow down on some dogs and some munches.

[B]

Wouldn't it be nice for a change to have a guy look like that show up for our daughter?

[E]

Yes, it would.

[A]

What is the difference between the T shirt and jeans that the current guy is wearing and the T shirt and jeans that the other guy is wearing?

[C]

No, it's not much difference. Well, there is some difference.

[I]

It's so much fun. I think scurfing is my new favorite sport.

[J]

I'm glad. Skirting is awesome. So I brought us some fish tacos, because fish tacos go perfect after a day of scurfing.

[H]

Hey, mom, you ever make fish tacos?

[B]

Yeah, I sure do.

[H]

Dad, do you ever eat Mom's fish tacos? Does not.

[E]

Get worse.

[A]

Oh, it gets so much worse.

[I]

So what are some of your favorite foods?

[J]

My favorite foods? I'd probably say strawberries and chocolate with a little whipped cream.

[H]

Yeah, your daughter and I were playing with strawberries and whipped cream last night.

[A]

I will kill you.

[H]

No, no, seriously.

[A]

No, seriously. She put whipped cream in my balls. No, seriously, dad.

[C]

I'll kill you.

[A]

Hey, dad, have you ever put whipped cream on your wife's nipples? Yeah, we were cooking.

[H]

I made dessert last night, Mom. It was almost as good as your fish taco.

[J]

So what's the deal with your boyfriend anyway?

[C]

Is that her brother? Why is he calling her Mom?

[A]

There's no way. Yeah. Honestly, if they're not married. This is a weird. This is weird. It's all weird.

[I]

Has a bad temper tantrum problem.

[J]

It's not good.

[A]

Oh, that's.

[H]

I don't have a bad temper tantrum problem.

[E]

Wow.

[I]

Do you have a bad temper?

[J]

Not really.

[H]

Give me my pillow.

[A]

Not really. I'm pretty loaded on disease and wakey wacky tobacky. Meanwhile, this guy's throwing a fit over here.

[I]

So how do you control your anger?

[J]

I like to do some yoga. Just something that relieves some stress.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[J]

Before you go, I got some for you to remember to skate by. Every skirfer needs their board wax, and this is my favorite brand.

[I]

Well, thank you. I had an amazing.

[A]

Well, thank you. I had such an amazing 15 minutes with you. Thank you. I had an amazing seven minutes with you. I'm glad scurfing is my new favorite sport. I didn't even have a chance to eat a fish taco. Bye.

[J]

We should probably get you back home now.

[I]

Okay, let's go.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Isn't he awesome?

[A]

Oh, my God, dude, you're out of here.

[I]

I just got Back from my date with Chad and it was crazy fun. My dad's pissed.

[A]

Was it crazy fun? Was it really crazy fun? Yeah. I have a feeling that they picked people who were like the family dynamics were already well established. They know that she's going to pick the guy she's already dating and that this is just like this is their thirsty. They're going on TV to be on tv. Yes, of course. This is pretend. You don't talk to your. Your loved one's parents like this and expect to get away with it here any second.

[I]

I hope this guy is just as adventurous.

[E]

Lauren, you ready to go out with an adult instead of a that throws his fits?

[A]

Shut up.

[H]

I'm not the one who throws hissy fits.

[E]

Hey, you are. You're a little whiner. Little freaking baby.

[H]

Hate you guys.

[E]

All right.

[C]

I swear. I think that that's her real brother.

[A]

It's gotta be. Her brother doesn't. You might be right about this. It might be the brother.

[E]

Real man's like.

[B]

Lauren, are you nervous?

[I]

You have nothing to worry about.

[H]

True.

[A]

Hello, Dylan and Chad.

[E]

Hey, Dylan, come on in.

[C]

Dylan's got the.

[A]

A little bit of the beans. Yeah, you know.

[C]

Cut going on.

[A]

Hey, Dylan. Come on in, bro. Me and you were buds.

[E]

Good kid. That kid is awesome. I just hope Lauren likes him at least half as much as I do. And my beautiful daughter.

[A]

Wow, that's weird. I just hope Lauren sees in him what I saw in him. Fine firm arms and a nice round potato bott.

[G]

Gentlemen, I'm always going to be opening doors for her.

[H]

Something laptop.

[A]

Whatever.

[H]

When Dylan walked in.

[A]

Whatever, dude.

[H]

I said to myself I would do her. Then I realized it was a guy.

[A]

Oh, God.

[G]

You ready to go?

[I]

All set.

[A]

All right, let's go.

[H]

Remember what we talked about?

[A]

Remember what we talked about, my sweet dick? How much you love the motion in this ocean. Baby, remember, I'll be thinking about you. And if you choose someone else, I'm gonna break things in the house.

[G]

He's mine now.

[I]

When I first saw Dylan, he definitely looked like an athlete.

[A]

I love.

[I]

Josh, does he.

[A]

Does he really look like an athlete? I don't know.

[C]

What's going on.

[A]

What kind of athlete does he look like? A bowler?

[C]

A polo player.

[A]

Yeah, polo player. That's right.

[F]

And Dylan are off for some one on one while mom, dad and Jeremy are back at the house ready to see how things are.

[A]

Meanwhile, both of these dates take place on the same day. If the clothing is any indicator because they're wearing the exact same thing they were Wearing for the last date.

[H]

Seriously, did you see that guy's hair?

[E]

What do you call that?

[B]

You see that? He criticizes Lauren just like that.

[H]

Only when her hair looks like too.

[E]

Such a jerk.

[A]

He is kind of huge. I do understand.

[C]

I wonder what happened to Jeremy.

[A]

Oh, I know what happened to Jeremy. He got his GED and now he's working for the local sanitation company. Selling ecstasy on weeknights at the under 18 club in the boardwalk.

[G]

So I brought you to the soccer field because I thought we'd play a little soccer. Got a little jersey for you. Why don't you take this?

[A]

And I brought you this local soccer field so you can play with my balls.

[G]

Get changed and I'll meet you back here.

[H]

What is this, gym class?

[B]

That's a fun date. They're not just sitting on the couch.

[I]

What is that?

[G]

These are leaf blowers.

[I]

Are we landscaping now?

[E]

Come on.

[G]

Now we're playing leaf blower soccer.

[I]

What's leaf blower soccer?

[G]

It's just like regular soccer.

[A]

It's just like what they told us in the production meeting. We're gonna blow leaf. We're gonna blow the balls up and down the thing. Did MTV try and figure out the corniest games that they could play with these people? Why don't they just go on a regular date? Get a cup of coffee, have dinner, make out in the back of a car. I mean, what's up with this?

[G]

Captain kicking the ball? You blow the ball.

[H]

It's just like regular soccer.

[C]

Except that we're just gonna waste gas.

[A]

And gas, time, money, pollution and money. And the good news is, Chrissy, they only be playing for two and a half minutes.

[E]

So any day you've ever taken her on.

[B]

Have you taken her on one yet?

[H]

We've raced.

[A]

We race horses. What?

[B]

Dude, you're boring.

[H]

You guys are stupid.

[I]

So, what kind of girls do you usually date?

[G]

Usually? Brunettes, actually.

[I]

Brunettes are hot.

[A]

Yep, I agree.

[I]

That's what I say.

[J]

What about you?

[G]

What kind of guys do you normally date?

[E]

That's easy. Douchebags with sunglasses.

[A]

Snippy, snappy.

[E]

Why don't you cover up those caterpillar eyebrows?

[C]

Anyway, the day.

[G]

All right, here's how it's going to work. You're over there, I'm over here. First one of three goals wins. And loser gives winner a massage.

[I]

Wow. My muscles are feeling a bit tense.

[H]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Whoa. My breasts are feeling a bit tense. Look at Jeremy. I know. He's.

[C]

That's a peacock if I've ever seen one.

[A]

That's peacocking all over that couch.

[H]

We were out last night.

[E]

You're a legend in your own mind.

[H]

Damn straight.

[E]

Your teeth won't be damn straight if you keep talking about our daughter again.

[H]

What are you gonna give me braces? Does that mean no?

[E]

I'm gonna kick your freaking ass with a fist.

[H]

You know what kick means.

[A]

Things are getting heated there in the house. Jeez, if I'm not dad, I'm just jumping on Jeremy. I'm not talking anymore. Not that I condone violence in any way, shape or form, but in this case, I might condone violence in every way, shape or form.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh. This seems like fun whatsoever. They're trying to blow an exercise ball with battery powered leaf blowers.

[C]

What a day.

[D]

They're just hitting it with their leaf blower.

[A]

I know. It's so stupid.

[B]

Wow, look at how much fun that is.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It does not look like any fun whatsoever.

[H]

That's stupid. It's lame.

[B]

Oh, the leafletter came apart.

[G]

This massage is mine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Score.

[A]

Score. With the loudest, most obnoxious game ever.

[H]

I'm over this.

[B]

So sick of you.

[H]

Give me my glasses.

[I]

That day was so fun.

[A]

That date was so fun. Let's sit down here in front of these hot bright lights and talk to each other in time.

[I]

What do you got there?

[G]

I got some juice and oranges.

[I]

Nice.

[C]

Juice and orange.

[H]

Look, he brought oranges.

[A]

Juice and oranges. He did not bring juice and oranges. He's an 18 year old boy. He did not know how to do anything. He doesn't know how to cut up oranges. That's completely unrealistic.

[I]

How did you think of that?

[H]

He got hit in the head real hard. That's how he came up with it.

[G]

I don't know. Me and my friends play sometime.

[A]

No.

[I]

Oh, really?

[A]

I don't know. Me and my friend, they told me to lie about this part. Me and my friends totally came up with it in the production meeting right before we came on here.

[G]

Pretty creative group of guys.

[I]

Are you like an artist or something?

[G]

Actually, I'm in a band.

[I]

Oh, really?

[A]

Okay, which 18 year old boy is not in a band?

[I]

What's your band's name?

[G]

We're called Brian's Escape.

[H]

Brian's Escape.

[A]

Brian's Escape. That's the name of my new band's.

[C]

Absolutely 100% that is the name of your new band.

[A]

I'm literally dead. I am literally dead. Brian Escape is. We're changing the name of the commercial break to Brian's Escape. It makes so much sense. It's all coming together so Serendipitous. Season six. No longer the commercial break. Brian's Escape. Join us. Join us. January 1st or whatever. Oh my God. Yes. Oh my God. I don't know what's worse, Dashboard Confessionals or Brian's Escape. I can't, I can't. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. That was so funny to me. Brian's Escape.

[E]

No, we should call this Lauren's Escape.

[A]

Oh yeah, Lauren's Escape. Yeah. That was a great one, Mom.

[H]

You're working on the personality I see though.

[A]

That's right.

[H]

Very good. I'm proud of you.

[G]

So what'd you think of me when you first saw me?

[I]

Honestly, I first noticed your hair. I think it's sexy.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Honestly, never mind.

[H]

It looks like a girl's hair. I thought it was sexy.

[E]

A lot better looking than you are.

[A]

You're a long better looking than you are.

[I]

So what did you first think about me when you saw me?

[G]

I just saw it.

[F]

Man.

[G]

This girl is a knockout. Why is she with this douchebag guy?

[H]

Cause I'm the best. Ah, yeah.

[B]

You are so full of yourself.

[A]

Uh, yeah, he's a sweet guy.

[I]

He just has issues.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he's a sweet guy. He just has issues. That's a great way to describe anybody you're dating. When someone that I know says she. I mean, I described one of my girlfriends like this for like four years. She's great. She's just got issues.

[H]

Wow, you look like March98. 1898.

[G]

I gotta be honest, I'm a little wiped out from that game.

[I]

Well, I hope you're not too tired because I think you still owe me a massage.

[A]

I'm a little wiped out from running a blower up and down half a soccer game. Oh my God. Oh yeah.

[H]

Oh yeah.

[G]

Bring me them legs.

[H]

What are you giggling at?

[E]

Lord.

[G]

You have amazing legs.

[I]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Jeremy says I have chicken legs.

[G]

Jeremy's an idiot. You have great legs.

[A]

Like seriously, you have great legs that I can feel through these shin guards and heavy soccer socks.

[H]

I can't believe this. He's touching her calves and I'm sitting next to you cows.

[B]

Then you might want to put these on so you don't have to see it anymore.

[A]

Oh, snap.

[H]

Thank you.

[G]

Feeling all loosened up Up?

[I]

Yeah, nice and loose.

[G]

All right, should we get changed and get out of here then?

[A]

All right. So we should have sex. Man, that was great.

[C]

I don't know.

[H]

The date or the blowers.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Hey, did I do good, hun, or what?

[H]

That Sucked.

[I]

I just got back from my day with Dylan and he really made me sweat. What a hottie. Now.

[A]

Okay, let's make a decision. That's the. The moment has arrived. Chrissy. What will she do? Predictions on the table. Yeah.

[C]

Now I'm going to go with Chad.

[A]

I'm going to say she sticks with the current guy that she has.

[C]

He's got issues.

[A]

Yeah, he's got issues. But I. But when someone has issues, that usually means everyone has issues. You know what I'm saying? And they've been together for a long time. I know this. Trust me.

[I]

Do I stay with Jeremy or go with one of the guys my parents chose? This is a really tough choice.

[F]

Now it's time for Lauren to make her pick. Will she choose Chad, the sexy street surfer, or Dylan, her gorgeous girl?

[A]

The street scurfer, the streets curfer, or the soccer blower?

[F]

Will she choose Jeremy, her boyfriend of three months and the person her parents can't stand?

[I]

Guys, this is an experience I'll never forget. But it all comes down to this. I think I know who I want. But before I make my big decision, I'm gonna give you one more chance each to tell me why I should pick you.

[G]

Well, I know 4th of July only comes once a year, but if you pick me.

[A]

Well, that was prophetic. As the lead keyboardist of Brian's.

[H]

We'Ll.

[G]

Be seeing fireworks all year long.

[A]

Oh, my God. That was terrible.

[J]

Lauren, I don't understand science that well, but there's no denying the chemistry that we felt.

[H]

Baby, if I've learned anything today, it's that I don't want to lose you. And I promise that if you pick me, I'm gonna.

[A]

I promise if I pick you, I'll start a band called Jeremy's Practice.

[H]

Do whatever I can to make you happy.

[I]

Thanks, guys. That was really sweet, but I still need to get rid of one of you right now.

[C]

Oh. Elimination.

[A]

Elimination time. The stakes are very high. The music very dramatic. Standing in a living room that hasn't been renovated since 1979. Here we go.

[C]

Wood family.

[I]

Dylan, you are so good looking, but your personality blows. Just like our dad.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

All right. You go, girl. And she gave her an ankle massage.

[E]

I know.

[A]

Over the sock ankle massage. I mean, that's second base in some religions.

[I]

It is right now.

[G]

That's all right. I had fun anyways.

[A]

Aw. Dylan's always a gentleman.

[G]

I don't care. I can't date a girl whose hair is shorter than mine.

[I]

And now the hard part. Chad, you are so creative. And athletic. But I'm afraid you may be too quiet for me and Jeremy. We have so much fun together. But I'm sick of being insulted by the way.

[A]

How much goop does he have in his hand?

[C]

I'm trying to look at it.

[A]

I mean, that hair is, like, dripping. Like gel is literally dripping out of the top of his head. Seriously.

[I]

So I made decision, and the guy I choose is.

[C]

Come on, Chad.

[A]

Go, Chad. Do it. Chad. Chad.

[I]

Chad.

[A]

Look at ours roll. Holy shit. Nice work, stupid. Oh, thank God.

[C]

As Jeremy throws a fit.

[H]

You don't regret this, atheist. What are you doing? Get the camera off me.

[A]

What are you doing? He's so so. Get the camera off me. We did it, babe. We did it.

[E]

Did our job. And Jeremy's gone.

[C]

Oh, good work.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[J]

How'd you ever date that baby?

[I]

I have no idea. But at least I'm with the real man now.

[J]

You got that right.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. Chad won. What happened to Jeremy? I have to know. I will follow up. I will let you know. Next episode of the 12 Days of TCB. We're going to figure out exactly what happened to Jeremy and whether any of this was real at all.

[C]

Christina will be reminding you.

[A]

Yes. Christina will text me at midnight and remind me to figure out what happened to Jeremy or Jer. She'll find out probably before I do. Wow, that really was a terrible television show.

[C]

The Edge of my Seat.

[A]

I was, too, at the end. I. Despite how terrible it was. And now I remember watching a lot of these episodes and I always was so interested in the outcome and always rooting for the new guys because, you know, the old guys are.

[C]

Well, they make the old guys look, of course.

[A]

But you could tell it was all fake as he was walking out of the house and he pretended to throw the camera. Yeah.

[C]

So obviously.

[A]

So obviously terribly fake. But you know that it was any more innocent time back then.

[C]

It was. It was before everything was out there.

[A]

Yes, it was long before Maury.

[C]

Around the same time.

[A]

Yeah, early 2000s for sure. Yeah. Dr. Phil Mori. No 90 Day Fiance, though. None of that. None of that didn't come around to the 2014s 15s anyway. All right, well, listen, another day not knocked off. Scratch that. Off our Advent calendar. Chrissy. We opened a gift and it was Jeremy going home. I can see Christina literally scratching it off the. Scratching it off the calendar. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right, tcbpodcast.com that's where you will go to get your free TCB sticker. All you got to do is go to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address away it will go. Also all the audio, all the video right there on the website. If that's how you choose to listen or watch, watch it. It's all there available to you. And now for your viewing pleasure, YouTube.com the commercial break. You can go there and see every episode of the commercial break Moving forward on YouTube usually drops the exact same time that the audio does. On Spotify. We have video a couple of days after the episode drops. So go over there like subscribe, follow all that good jazz at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on tick tock and 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, Content, Ideas? Let us know how you're enjoying the 12 days of TCB. We'd love to hear from you. And please donate to one of our great causes that we've been focusing on for the last couple of days. We would appreciate it. Okay Chrissy, that's all I can do for today?

[C]

I think so.

[A]

But I'll tell you that I love you. Best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe. And Jeremy also, until next time, we will say, we do say and we must say goodbye. Sam, Watch your profanity.