The Commercial Break
Episode: 12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Release Date: December 17, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Kristen Joy Hoadley (with Christina)
Overview
This festive episode of The Commercial Break is a wild ride through internet influencer culture, the economics of celebrity endorsements, and the obscure world of "Santa erotica." Bryan and Krissy, with their signature chaotic, irreverent energy, riff on everything from the absurd cost of influencer shoutouts (Cristiano Ronaldo rates, anyone?) to reading steamy, over-the-top Christmas-themed erotica live on air.
The hosts blend genuine friendship and comedy, seamlessly swapping between lampooning internet trends, sharing real stories from their podcasting journey, and indulging in some of the most bizarre internet rabbit holes—this time, Sexy Santa smut. The show also highlights charitable giving during the holidays and closes with a look back at some of their favorite weird documentaries and product endorsements.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The (Absurd) Economics of Social Media Influencers
00:49 – 25:38
- The hosts kick off reflecting on holiday traditions, then launch into a hilarious (and slightly resentful) breakdown of what top-tier influencers are paid for social media mentions.
- Cristiano Ronaldo commands over $3.2 million per post— a staggering figure that makes the hosts consider (facetiously) raiding their unpolished show budget to get a bump in followers.
- They explore why it's so difficult to find the real CR7 on TikTok, noting the proliferation of fan accounts.
- A rundown of the Top 20 Paid Influencers 2024, featuring:
- Kevin Hart ($1M/post), Neymar ($1.4M), Katy Perry ($1.2M), Miley Cyrus, Kourtney Kardashian, Nicki Minaj, Jennifer Lopez, Taylor Swift, Kendall Jenner, Justin Bieber, Khloe and Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, Ariana Grande, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Kylie Jenner (top earning woman), Selena Gomez, Lionel Messi—culminating at the peak with Ronaldo.
- “You gotta imagine if you pay Cristiano Ronaldo...wouldn’t it stand to reason that if we pay him to actually mention us, we would get some slop?” – Bryan (03:00)
- They roast celebrity endorsement prices, joke about their own follower count ("not even 200 on TikTok"), and recall having paid for Smartless and Dr. Phil ads—with mixed results.
- Memorable moment: Dr. Phil's progressively more unhinged ad reads for the podcast:
“...do you enjoy fucking your grandma and writing in about it? The Commercial Break will take your text message.” – Bryan imitating Dr. Phil (04:44) - Hilarious sidebar on perfume ads featuring celebrities: “The only one I’ve actually ever enjoyed is the Miley Cyrus one, just because I like that song” – Bryan (07:12)
- Commentary on Instagram’s influencer tiers, ranging from million-dollar celebs to “nano influencers” like Big Ed from TLC, who makes $250,000/year on Cameo (“riches in niches, bitches” – Bryan, 20:58).
2. Exploring "Santa Erotica"
26:30 – 38:45
- After the break, Bryan segues awkwardly (and gleefully) into the topic of Christmas erotica, specifically “Sexy Santa” stories.
- Krissy jokes about what she wants for Christmas:
“Let’s see. A new coat?” to which Bryan deadpans:
“How about a long hard cock?” – Bryan, 26:39 - They dissect the genre's appeal, mentioning everything from the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” song to explicit modern versions like Sabrina Carpenter’s “Nonsense Christmas”:
“One of the first lines is like ‘when he’s sliding down my chimney, ooh, it feels so good’” – Christina, 28:29 - Bryan reads a steamy, over-the-top Santa erotica excerpt live—complete with cringe-filled lines involving “velvet canals,” “slot,” “sopping panties,” and more.
- Memorable quote:
“You people are disgusting. You disgust me with your filth. You’ve defiled Santa and Christmas Eve. Kris Kringle has been torn apart by your throbbing slot...” – Bryan, 36:16 - Krissy and Christina riff about the pervasiveness of holiday erotica (“If there’s Easter bunny porn, there’s everything”).
- Genuinely horrified yet fascinated, they connect Santa smut to the broader world of internet-generated erotica and trap-lit.
3. Year-in-Review: Bizarre Documentaries & Products
44:04 – 55:13
- The hosts reminisce on documentaries they've covered, specifically one about men trying to "repopulate the earth" by fathering children via sperm donations (some involving live sexual encounters, some via shady sperm handoffs at malls).
- Detailed takedown of “Semen X”—a real supplement promising increased semen volume and “intense orgasms”—with the hosts lampooning its testimonials and goofy marketing images.
- “My orgasms are way more intense. My semen volume is more than double. Who cares?” – Bryan, 50:35
- Discuss potential podcast partnerships with weird supplement companies (facetiously), and reflect on the parade of oddballs and scams featured on their show, from “nano” influencers to 90 Day Fiancé personalities.
- Christina hints at wanting more breakdowns of strange relationship-industrial-complex documentaries in the future, with Bryan promising multiple themed deep-dives for Season 6.
4. Emphasizing Charitable Giving for the Holidays
41:18 – 43:17; 55:42 – end
- Bryan and Krissy promote two favorite charities, encouraging listeners to donate:
- St. Jude Hospital (pediatric cancer care)
- National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund
- They promise show swag for listeners who provide a donation screenshot.
- Discussion on the importance of giving, referencing personal health struggles and the importance of access to care.
- Show contact info, thanks, and a reminder to follow their social media for more chaotic comedy.
Notable Quotes
| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|--------------|-------| | 03:00 | Bryan | “Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if we pay [Ronaldo] to actually mention us, we would get some slop?” | | 04:44 | Bryan (as Dr. Phil) | “...do you enjoy fucking your grandma and writing in about it? The Commercial Break will take your text message.” | | 20:58 | Bryan | “There are riches in niches, bitches. Because there is—riches in niches.” | | 26:39 | Bryan | “How about a long hard cock?” (Holiday wish list) | | 28:29 | Christina | “One of the first lines is like ‘when he’s sliding down my chimney, ooh, it feels so good.’” (on Sabrina Carpenter’s song) | | 36:16 | Bryan | “You people are disgusting. You disgust me with your filth. You’ve defiled Santa and Christmas Eve.” | | 50:35 | Bryan | “My orgasms are way more intense. My semen volume is more than double. Who cares?” | | throughout| Bryan | “We mention Semen X in the hopes that they'll pay us money someday down the line. That's how it works here in Atlanta.” |
Key Timestamps for Segments
- 00:00 – 03:45: Opening banter, influencer pay discussion kicks off (Cristiano Ronaldo, fan pages, buying mentions)
- 03:45 – 13:30: Top 20 influencer rundown, celebrity endorsement jokes
- 13:30 – 24:35: Nano-influencers, Big Ed, riches in niches, realities of podcast sponsorship
- 26:30 – 38:45: Sexy Santa erotica, Christmas smut reading, reactions
- 41:18 – 43:17: Charitable giving plug: St. Jude & National Breast Cancer Coalition
- 44:04 – 55:13: Year-in-review: Sperm donor documentaries, “Semen X” lampoon, future documentary plans
- 55:13 – end: Closer, contact info, another push for charitable giving, classic chaotic sign-off
Tone and Style
- Highly irreverent, self-aware, and loose—embracing their “just FINE” brand of improv banter
- Unfiltered, sometimes absurd, and often gleefully vulgar (“North Pole is not the only pole Santa Claus is rubbing this year”—Bryan, 38:46)
- Inclusive, off-the-cuff friendship with meta-podcast jokes and frequent callbacks to earlier episodes or podcasting experiences
- Underneath the snark, an earnest desire to support good causes and poke fun at internet culture
Summary Takeaway
If you love comedy podcasts that blend pop culture absurdity, friendship-fueled improv, and occasional dives into the bizarre depths of the internet, The Commercial Break delivers in spades. This holiday episode’s mix of influencer economics, Santa smut, and charitable reminders is a perfect reflection of their “Cheesecake Factory of comedy” identity: eclectic, overstuffed, and never dull.