5:30!!

Summary

The Commercial Break | Episode: "5:30!!" (May 13, 2025)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break features hosts Bryan Green and Krissy Hoadley in classic form—riffing with their signature improv comedy and chaotic, relatable banter. Bryan recounts his hectic Mother’s Day experience, from trying to orchestrate the perfect morning for his wife Astrid to surviving the adventure of wrangling children at his mom’s retirement home. The episode is laced with their always self-aware, unfiltered humor as they take irreverent detours into pop culture and family life, highlight fan reactions, and muse about everything from the new Pope to the mental endurance required for parenthood.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Bit: AI Song from Listener Reviews

• Bryan interacts with “Chatty Patty,” an AI assistant, in a future-retirement-resort scenario (00:08–02:12).
• The AI generates a “theme song” composed entirely of actual, mostly negative, show reviews. Sample lyrics:
  “Just a guy who rants. It's not funny at all. The co host is asleep. She's pretty dull... TCB is terrible. This show is fucking bad. I'd like to punch Bryan in the mouth.” (02:22–04:15)
• Bryan comments:
  “You created a song using only real reviews and comments from our fans. I like that idea, Chatty. All right. Play that tune.” (02:12)

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2. Upcoming TCB Marathon & Notable Guests

• Bryan and Krissy mention the upcoming “12 hours of TCB” marathon with celebrity guests like Reggie Watts and Tom Papa. (05:20–06:15)
  • “Returning guest, Reggie Watts. A three Peter and a two time all star commercial break interviewee, Tom Papa. I couldn’t be more excited...” (05:43)
• They jokingly discuss the struggle of booking enough guests for the long event.

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3. Pop Culture Tangent: The New Pope from Chicago

• Bryan and Krissy riff on the fictitious election of a new Pope from Chicago, delighting in the hometown connection and bantering about Catholic tradition. (06:54–10:59)
  • Bryan: “As a Catholic from a reformed Catholic from Chicago...there was a little tickle in my pickle when I heard...” (07:19)
  • They discuss the spectacle of the Pope being chosen and what it would be like to witness it in the Vatican.
  • Bryan reflects on historical changes within the Catholic Church, pushing for more human approaches (e.g., priests/marriage):
    “I’d feel a lot more connected maybe to a church anywhere if my priest had kids. ... Single dude, never had sex before ever in his life. Babysitting my kids. Uh, uh, not gonna happen.” (16:14)
• The segment ends with hope for a more modern, progressive Catholic Church.

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4. Mother’s Day Reflection: From Orchestrating to Surviving

• A major portion of the episode is Bryan’s vivid, comedic retelling of his Mother’s Day mission—giving Astrid a chance to sleep in and handling his kids solo. (25:01–41:52)
  • “If the kids are moving, then they're up. But if they're not moving, then they're asleep. And sometimes if you hug them tightly, it’s as if you’re suffocating them. And they can’t move so that they continue to stay asleep. Just hug them tighter, right?” (37:01)
  • He humorously describes his desperate attempts at breakfast (burned Eggos, cheese toast, improvisational “grilled cheese”), the chaos of entertaining the children, and the deepened respect for moms everywhere:
    “I’m about to make a newfound respect for everything that goes on before I usually even open up my eyes.” (41:20)
• Krissy adds empathy and anecdotes about step-parenting and their own family rituals.

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5. Parenthood & Generational Gaps

• Bryan reflects on generational differences in parenting and nostalgia for his own childhood experiences as a twin being “carted around” for show (51:29–53:10).
  • “I was like that Mickey Mouse doll. I got carted around in the back of a bag 24 hours a day to be shown off...” (51:53)
• Krissy relates to similar experiences bringing kids (and toys) to family visits, including the retirement home “adventure race.”

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6. Retirement Home Mayhem: Grandma Kiki’s Residence

• Extended segment recounting Bryan’s odyssey through his mom’s retirement home with the kids in tow. (45:41–67:11)
  • Highlights include:
    • The endless parade of residents all wanting to meet or fawn over the grandchildren:
      “Oh, it’s the Green kids. Are you Vicky's grandchildren? Oh my God, you're so adorable!” (53:34)
    • The explosive combination of kids, retirees, backpacks full of toys, and a malfunctioning (possibly moldy) ice cream machine: “It’s chocolate ice cream today, or whatever mix they’re putting in there. Okay, great. They're. It's going everywhere. One of my daughter's white dresses is just full of chocolate. ... whatever, just let them have it.” (59:37)
    • Comic escalation as dinner approaches, with a resident repeatedly shouting “5:30!” and the kids demanding to stay for chicken and dumplings (62:18–64:38):
      • Resident: “Dinner's at 5:30.”—Child: “I want chicken and dumplings.”—Bryan: “No, no, no, no, we gotta go home. It's Mother's Day...” (63:07–63:19)
  • Hilarious chaos with Bryan being “trapped in a hellhole,” juggling kids, bags, and noise.

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7. Encounters & Recognition

• Bryan is recognized “in the wild” by a retirement home resident, Joan, and by a Kroger stock boy listening to the podcast.
  • Joan: “We haven’t met before. But I know your podcast.” (68:20)
  • Bryan: “Here I am Mother's Day at a retirement village, and I’m not even safe. ... it was kind of cool, I gotta say. Kind of cool.” (69:50)

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8. Meta-Commentary & Listener Interactions

• Hosts discuss the meta nature of the show—being the “podcast nobody likes,” referencing a fan who commented:
  • “No one likes the Commercial Break. The commercial break. No one likes it. That's our new tagline.” (71:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• AI-Generated Review Song:
  • “TCB is terrible. Worst show you could do. TCB is terrible. Worst to you.” (03:50)
• On Celibacy & Religion:
  • Bryan: “If we're asking our priests to be celibate, that's a big ask… would make the priest feel better. I'll tell you that right now. Let them blow off a little steam.” (15:28)
• Mother’s Day Reality:
  • Bryan: “The best thing that we can do is allow her [Astrid] to spend it in the way that she sees fit. Let her go have a day. ... Because that's what mothers can really enjoy. ... They want a break from the kids. Right. Because the kids. Of course it is. And I know that. I'm not an idiot.” (32:24)
• Retirement Home Chaos:
  • Resident: “Dinner's at 5:30.” (62:18 and repeatedly)
  • Bryan (trapped): “It’s mass chaos. ... I'm now trapped in a hellhole. Oh, my God. ... Let’s get the fuck out of here.” (63:58)
  • Resident: “Kids eat free.” (62:54)
• Meta Self-Awareness:
  • Bryan: “No one likes the commercial break. The commercial break. No one likes it. That's our new tagline.” (71:02)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment/Topic | Timestamp (MM:SS) | |--------------------------------------------------|------------------------| | Opening (AI Assistant, review-song) | 00:08 – 04:15 | | Upcoming TCB marathon, guest preview | 05:13 – 06:54 | | The new Pope from Chicago, Catholic riffs | 06:54 – 16:44 | | Mother's Day mission recap (Bryan as solo dad) | 25:01 – 41:52 | | Retirement home adventure with Grandma Kiki | 45:41 – 67:11 | | Meta-commentary, "no one likes us" joke | 71:02 – 72:55 |

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Tone & Language

• Chaotic, irreverent, and self-deprecating.
• Full of affectionate, if exasperated, family observations.
• Quick-witted and conversational, often meta and fourth-wall-breaking.

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Conclusion

This episode is quintessential TCB—hilarious, slightly unhinged, and undeniably relatable for anyone juggling family, obligation, and the absurdities of everyday life. With sharp asides about religion, parenthood, and internet culture, Bryan and Krissy turn even their most stressful moments into comedy gold—backed by colorful recurring bits and their ongoing inside joke that "nobody likes the commercial break."

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Best for: Fans of improv comedy, candid parenting stories, and podcasts that feel like dropping in on two old friends who can’t help but make you laugh (even as they lose their minds at Grandma’s retirement home).

Transcript

[Chatty Patty]

Good morning, Brian.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, good morning, Chatty Patty.

[Chatty Patty]

Did you sleep well?

[Brian Greene]

No. No, I did not.

[Chatty Patty]

That is horrible. May I suggest an app later on today? Your schedule is free after recording episode number 733,422 of the commercial break with Chrissy.

[Brian Greene]

What day is it?

[Chatty Patty]

The day is May 13, 2031. It's another sunny day at the village's retirement resort and brothel.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, I know. Alright, any messages?

[Chatty Patty]

Yes, one message. Would you like me to read it?

[Brian Greene]

Is it from a bill collector?

[Chatty Patty]

No, it's from your wife, Astrid.

[Brian Greene]

Sure, why not? Let's start the morning off wrong.

[Chatty Patty]

Your ex has said the. Sorry, we will not be able to come see you this week. We are very busy with shopping and the fashion week. Please be sure to pay the cleaning bill for the yacht. I am traveling to Italy and the boat is dirty. I hope you do not mind that I asked Ricardo the pool guy to join me on the trip. I know you don't want me to be lonely. Also, your daughter needs an iPhone 33. Call your mother and please grow up.

[Brian Greene]

Okay, thanks for that, Chatty. Is there any good news?

[Chatty Patty]

Yes, Brian, the good news is today you are officially the oldest podcaster alive. Congrats on this accomplishment.

[Brian Greene]

Wow. Okay. Well, that's just miserable. All right. Come on, Chatty. You're an advanced AI model. There has to be something you can do to cheer me up.

[Chatty Patty]

Sure. I could make a song to start your day off right.

[Brian Greene]

Love that. Let's do that.

[Chatty Patty]

Your wish is my command. Brian Greene, creator and co host of the least successful podcast in all of podcasting. I have scanned the entire digital archive and all records related to tcb. I have created a song using only reviews from some of your most loyal and adoring fans. Would that cheer you up?

[Brian Greene]

You created a song using only real reviews and comments from our fans. I like that idea, Chatty. All right. Play that tune.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Just a guy who rants. It's not funny at all. The co host is asleep. She's pretty dull.

[Chatty Patty]

Why?

[Listener Caller / Critic]

People like the show? Why are they on the charts? What's the bug I talk about? I should love a suit of sass. TCB is terrible. This show is fucking bad. I'd like to punch Brian in the mouth. This podcast is kinda sad. Is this what we think is funny? Now how do I turn it off? My ears are saying ow. Stop laughing at yourself. Are these two making sense? At least I didn't pay. I am deaf. In my defense, TCB is terrible. That is being kind. Both the hosts are idiots. They Left the funny behind. What is this show about? It's offensive to my soul. Brian is a ha. These two are unfunny and so old. Why all the hype? How did this get made so many episodes, none of which are great. TCB is terrible. Worst show you could do. TCV is terrible. Worst to you.

[Brian Greene]

On this episode of the commercial break.

[Child]

I want chicken and dumplings.

[Brian Greene]

I'm like, no, no, no, no. We gotta go home. It's mother's day we gotta have.

[Child]

But grandma Kiki's my mother.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

5:30.

[Child]

I want chicken and dumplings.

[Brian Greene]

And my mom's like, brian, can't you.

[Child]

Stay for just a little bit more?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Don't be like that.

[Child]

Don't be like that. Let him stay.

[Brian Greene]

I'm like, oh my God. I gotta get out of here.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

5:30.

[Child]

I like chicken and dumplings. Don't be like that, Brian. Let him have chicken and dumplings.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Jello.

[Child]

I love yellow daddy though. One dinner's not gonna kill you. Brian.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Table 5. Table 5's where I sit. 5:30.

[Brian Greene]

The next episode of the commercial break starts.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Oh yeah.

[Brian Greene]

Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of the show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Greene]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Do not attune your radios. It is a Tuesday, but we have no infomercial because we're gonna do enough of those on the 12 hours of TCB to satisfy a fat cow. So settle down everybody. We're good. There's gonna be plenty of celebrity guests coming for the 12 hours of TCB, so we figured let's just, we'll ease our way into it. You know what? I'.

[Chatty Patty]

Chrissy.

[Brian Greene]

So many. There's only so much time in the day and so many people that will agree to do an episode of the commercial break. Yes. So stay tuned. Lots of great guests coming up including. I'll name two. Why not name two. Just give him a little tasty teen. A little tasty teener. Returning guest, Reggie Watts. A three Peter and a two time all star commercial break interviewee, Tom Papa. I couldn't be more excited to have those two on board. Those are those just like tickle warm the cockles of my heart. Because it's Tom and Reggie. Both wonderful guests on the commercial break. A lot of great feedback when they've been on and so I'm very excited to have them to have them with us. Excuse me, Chrissy. I have to look here in my. In my rodecaster to find something very special for everybody. If you just give me a second, there's very exciting. Very exciting news coming out of. I don't know if you've heard. Actually, we were on air when this happened, so I think everybody has heard. Oh, now just leave it to my rodecaster to now fall apart. Nope. There it is. Okay, if you don't mind, Chrissy, a moment of reverence.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Happy as pompom. Happy as pompom. The Pope is chosen. Happy as.

[Brian Greene]

Obvious Pum pum, everybody.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Da Pope is chosen.

[Brian Greene]

Da Pope is chosen. That's right. That's right, Papa As. Oh, listen to that little flute. A little pan flute. Hobbyist. Pump him, everybody. A Pope is chosen. And he is from. Duh. North side of south side of Chicago. Excuse me. He is from the south side of Chicago. Couldn't be more. I mean, listen, as a guy from Chicago, as a Catholic from a reformed Catholic from Chicago, I do have to say that my grandparents are probably rolling in their graves right now. To think to the thought that an American Pope would be from the south side of Chicago is very exciting news for a lot of people. And even though I am far removed from the dogma of the Catholic religion, I do have to say there was a little tickle in my pickle when I heard a little nice little salute. Yeah. A little scratch in my scritch. Yeah. I just thought to myself how wonderful that the new Pope would be from the same place that I was born.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The mean streets.

[Brian Greene]

The mean streets of suburbia Chicago. The mean streets of the south side in Oak Forest, Illinois.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

OKC format.

[Chatty Patty]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That was the hand sign.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, that's right. Okay, baby. Okay. I'm from the Oak. What up? What up, Pope? What up, Leo? This sent everybody into a tizzy. Now, Chrissy and I were here recording when the white smoke puffed. When the pumpum was officially pumped out, they found out Amy's pumpum. When the white smoke poured out, everybody was going crazy in the Vatican. And a lot of people on TV were also going crazy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah. I was watching a thing where there was. There were people that traveled there, especially just to see it. And they're not even Catholic.

[Brian Greene]

They're not even Catholic.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I just always dreamed of being there when the Pope was announced.

[Brian Greene]

Not a dream of mine. Yeah, but okay. I'd much rather watch it on tv. I went to the Vatican when there was. When the Pope wasn't even in the Vatican. And I got to tell you, it was a Crowded place. I can't imagine being there when there's half a million people. It was crazy. The Vatican, if you. If you haven't been, is the smallest country on earth, and it is tiny. I mean, five city square blocks that. I mean, five square city blocks. That's it. And so to pack all those people in there to see habeas pump them. And the guy looks like a tiny little d. I mean, he's up like 16 stories in the air, but everybody on the balcony. He comes out on the balcony and he waves and he's got his robes on and his little pump him hat. Yeah, he's a little pumpum hat. He looks very cute up there. He's very cute a mile away. But everybody was very excited. I saw one couple had just gotten married at the Vatican.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh.

[Brian Greene]

With their Catholic pastor in tow. So they went to the Vatican to get married. I guess this is a thing you could do. Had I known that, still wouldn't have gotten married at the Vatican. But okay.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, that seems pretty like, you know, people.

[Brian Greene]

Listen. They were in their 70s and they were from. I think they were from Chicago or maybe it was Indianapolis. I can't remember. There was, like, a number of people they were talking to on the news. But this old couple was so excited. I mean, this guy hadn't had a boner in 30 years. And you could see it through the screen. He had such a boner that he was there when the Pope was picked on his wedding weekend. It was so exciting for him. And I thought, there is zero sex happening in that marriage. Zero sex. They said they were on the camera and they were like, we extended our honeymoon an extra couple of days so we could figure see if maybe the.

[Child]

Pope would be picked.

[Brian Greene]

And hey, be.

[Child]

It's, bum bum. It's from Chicago.

[Brian Greene]

And I thought, oh, God, no one's getting laid in that relationship. No one.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Why? That might be their turn on. Hey, listen, that might be their kink.

[Brian Greene]

Hey, listen. To each their own pope kink. There is a the pope kink. I don't see those two as the kind that watch the young pope. But listen, maybe the young pope was wild. I love that show. You got to get to that show.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, what I did get to over the weekend of my weekend recovery was.

[Brian Greene]

You gotta talk to Jeff and say, hey, we gotta rearrange the schedule.

[Chatty Patty]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And I'm getting ready to go back again for the big barbecue thing. That won't be as wild and crazy.

[Brian Greene]

So anyway, since the girl said that, every time you say that about Every event.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No, I mean, with all the music from this past, time was a big thing. This is gonna be. The focus is gonna be more on the barbecue, which I'm very excited to taste. Smoke Slam second year.

[Brian Greene]

The Smoke Slam, second year in Memphis. When is that?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's next week. It's this weekend.

[Brian Greene]

Give the dates, you know, in case people are listening.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What is the date of this?

[Brian Greene]

Oh, it's May 15th and 16th. No, May 16th and 17th, I think is what it would be.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Okay, okay, let's see.

[Brian Greene]

Yes, 16th and 17th.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's the 15th.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, 15th. 15th through the 17th. Memphis, if you're there, buy tickets. Yes, that's the other thing.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

But anyways, while I was recovering over the weekend, I thought, wait a minute. I've been really fascinated with all the Pope stuff. And you talked about a CNN Presents documentary that you listened to, and I found it on Max and so I watched it.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, you did?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Six episodes. It was fascinating.

[Brian Greene]

It's wild.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It tells the very beginning stories from St. Peter and how, you know, the whole thing started basically like just Christianity, the whole thing. And then the split offs and the Eastern Orthodox and this, that Constantinople, all the postinople.

[Brian Greene]

It made me think of that song.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It made me think of that song. But then there was the whole Renaissance period where they had mistresses and were having children. And the whole thing with it was intertwined with the families of Italy. So they're, you know, later down their line. There had to be a big reformation. But the Pope was a king for.

[Brian Greene]

All intents and purposes. The Pope acted like a king for a long time.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The king of everybody.

[Brian Greene]

The king of everybody, of everything, of anybody. And a lot of craziness happened. I'm not going to go through the whole Pope's history, but I will say this, is that the Reformation, when the Reformation happened, only then were priests and the Pope celibate for a long time. The Pope was not only not celibate, he had wives and mistresses and all kind of crazy crap. And so, you know, I got a text message and I'll share this, because it wasn't. I don't think it was combative. I think it was trying to be instructive about how priests should be celibate because it's their. Okay, listen, I understand the line of thinking, you know, I'm not that dense and I grew up Catholic, so I got the whole thing. But I just would love it if we would look at our priests and our popes and our cardinals a little bit more like humans and a Little bit like vessels directly to God, right? Because if we did that, then we could understand that they're fallible and we wouldn't follow them into the fire. Some people wouldn't follow them into the fire. We would have a. There'd be, I think quite frankly, there'd be a little bit more empathy for them. I think quite frankly, we'd all feel a little bit better if our priests and our pastors and our Pope had the ability to go out and get laid. That's all I'm saying. Hey, listen, I know that's like a hot take, but I don't really think it's a hot take because I heard a lot of people talking about it on the news. Like there were newscasters who were asking priests and cardinals and deans of schools and people, prominent Catholics, is this the Pope? That could lead us into a time when we truly have some more like kind of open minded thinking like the rest of the fucking world. I mean, rabbis are married, right? There's lots of. I think Presbyterians, priests and pastors get married. Baptists certainly have wives. Some of the many wives. I mean, listen, I'm not for that, but here's what I'm sharing. I think the Catholic religion.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Give an inch.

[Brian Greene]

Give an inch. You know, just the tip. What if we said just the tip? Yeah, what if we said just the tip? No shaft, just the tipped, Just the tip. Wouldn't that make everybody feel better? I think it would make the priest feel better. I'll tell you that right now. Let them blow off a little steam. Let them get an EPM in once in a while. I think this makes everybody a little bit more connected to humanity. Because in my opinion, and it's my humble opinion, the streets to God, or whatever you want to call it, whatever your version of God is, the streets to God are paved inside your, inside your spirit, not outside your spirit. We're all human, we're all fallible, we all make mistakes. And if we're asking our priests to be celibate, that's a big ask.

[Chatty Patty]

It is.

[Brian Greene]

It's a big ask. It's like one of the human conditions and, and wouldn't it be cool if your priest had like kids? Like, you know what I'm saying? I'd feel a lot more connected maybe to a church anywhere if my priest had kids. And then I could, you know, pawn mine off on or something like that. I don't know right now. You know, single dude, never had sex before ever in his life. Babysitting my kids. Uh, uh, not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. I'm sorry. It's just not. Anyway, new Pope from Chicago.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Very exciting.

[Brian Greene]

One thing that we got to knock him for is he's not a Cubs fan.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. White Sox.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. You know, there's an old saying, you're from Chicago, the Bears, the Bulls, the Cubs and the Blackhawks. And if you like the White Sox, you're from Indiana. I'm going to forgive them for this one sin. But I will say that there is a little bit of Chicago pride. Of course, you know, there's a line from the West Wing, and I think it's probably my favorite line in the West Wing.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

As well as your favorite show, as.

[Brian Greene]

Well as one of my favorite shows. Certainly. Certainly in the top five. And I don't think I'm alone there, by the way.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No, it was a great show.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. The West Wing is like a fever dream for what could have been a fever dream for what we are all missing right now. That's right. I didn't see President bartlett accepting its $75 billion plane right from the guitar.

[Child]

It's insane.

[Chatty Patty]

Crazy.

[Brian Greene]

It's insane.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I just. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, but I.

[Brian Greene]

Not surprised. Not. There's nothing surprising. I will say this if you don't know what we're talking about. President Trump has agreed to take a billion dollar gift in the form of a 7:47 8i, which is the largest private plane ever constructed. And you can only imagine the opulence of this plane.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's called a palace.

[Brian Greene]

It is a flying palace.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, flying palace.

[Brian Greene]

I will say this in President Trump's favor, and to give him a little bit, like, just give him a little bit of credit. Not credit, but, like, put myself in his shoes for a minute. It's one fucking badass plane. It's one badass plane. I mean, honestly, it's hard to turn that shit down. It really is, I gotta say. I mean, he. He is at his core, nothing else. If driven by ego and money, and we all know this, whether we like him or don't like him, we can all agree on this thing. He don't give a shit about nothing except for himself and his money. And this is the epitome of luxury, and it is a beautiful plane. Beautiful. And if someone offered me that, you'd.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Be trying to find a way, I'd.

[Brian Greene]

Find the loophole also. I'd figure it out. I'd say, get it done. I don't know. You're the lawyers. You figure it out. Say I'm sorry, I don't know. I don't know what to do. I need the plane. I want that plane. I need the plane because I want the plane. I need a plane right now. I could just hear him. I could just hear him in the Oval Office. I don't care. Stop playing. I, I, I, I, I, I get it. I do. I understand. It's really one very. Just dripping in awesomeness. Airplanes. Yeah, yeah. When you dream. Chrissy and I have a dream that we have an airplane once. But the furthest that I've dreamed is like you've seen those videos of people flying in to go climb Mount Everest where they're flying in on like a six seater airplane that's piled together with duct tape and the guy is yelling in some foreign language and they have to land on a half inch Runway and the plane, the wing falls off when they land. That's my vision of a private airplane for Chrissy and I.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, we were also saying we would like maybe like the old Rolling Stones.

[Brian Greene]

Yes. Yeah, I'll take that refurbished. The Iron Maiden plane that's still flying around. Even they had a 727 or something. Iron fucking Maiden. They're like, that's pretty revolutionary. That Iron fucking Maiden had this little 727 there. Chrissy and I are going to get the Leonard Skynyrd version. The kind that doesn't fly. Sorry, Leonard Skynyrd fans. Anyway, I forgot totally what I was saying about the poem. About the poem.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Me too.

[Brian Greene]

I totally forgot where we were going with this. Welcome to the another adhd.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We started talking about Trump and the plane and then that kind of.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, but I was, I sidetracked on that plane. For some reason I started thinking about how opulent it was. I started. Yeah, I couldn't, My mind could not get off that plane. When I saw it at first I was like, motherfucker, it's gonna take an airplane from a foreign government. One that we probably shouldn't be all that friendly with for a million different reasons. It's like when Phil Mickelson took a billion dollars to go play golf for. I was like, God damn it, Phil. And then I started thinking about all that money and how much Phil gambles and his wife hates him. And I was like, well, I guess I can understand. I mean, you can understand, but listen, here's my thing. Trumpy, Trumpy.

[Chatty Patty]

Just do it.

[Brian Greene]

When you get out of office. Then you got all. Then whatever. Make a deal with them. Whatever they're paying you for to do, you're gonna do it anyway. Just do it. And then take the plane afterwards. We need an Air Force One that is going to be flying after you are president. I know you're looking at your fifth and sixth term already, but after you're done, we're gonna need an airplane. So we really need to press on Boeing to get those airplanes. Of course, Boeing's track record. Yeah. The plane will have a self destruct button right next to the start and that context to the engine start. It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Anyway, so Trump. So anyway, back to the Pope. Listen, like I was saying, you know, I really do think that the we should. I'm hoping that Pope Leo takes the flag from the last pope and he continues to open the minds and the hearts of the people that follow him, I really do, in a direction that's more modern, that's less cavemanish, that can root out some of the, you know, not so great things that the Catholic Church has been involved in over the years. I hope that he continues to go in that direction. Some people think that him being picked is a sign that the Catholic Church wants to continue to move in that direction.

[Chatty Patty]

Good.

[Brian Greene]

And so that's good. And I know that there's a lot of people out there, some of our listeners included, that are really excited about the new Catholic priest Pope from Chicago.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Priest Pope.

[Brian Greene]

The priest Pope. You know, that priest pope guy.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Happy as pomp em. Happy as bump em. The Pope is chosen. Happy as pumpin.

[Rachel]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] the commercial break. Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid.

[Brian Greene]

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Happy belated Mother's Day and a happy Mother's Day to you. Happy stepmother. Happy Mother's Day to you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Thank you.

[Brian Greene]

And to my Beautiful wife Astrid, and my own mom and all the other mothers that are out there. We got a lot of happy day, Happy Mother's Day messages from our fans. And I thought that was a very sweet thing to think about.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Very sweet.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. Like, honestly, like 12 or 13, you know, different messages about Happy Mother's Day and some of them naming Astrid specifically. And I think some of them know that you have some stepchildren. And so what did you do for. For Mother's Day? Was there any celebration?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We did, we celebrated. We went to Jeff's mom's.

[Brian Greene]

And how was that?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It was amazing.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, What'd you guys do?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We had a little wine and a little cheese and crackers and everybody gathered around the TV so Jeff could show the Riverbeat. She wanted to see what her son.

[Brian Greene]

Has been up to. What did you get? What was it like? Pictures?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, pictures and video.

[Brian Greene]

Okay. Video that was like professionally taken. Okay. When do we get to see that?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That it's on. It's on social media right now.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, it's on social media. Okay. I don't think that's popped up on my social media yet. Of course. My algorithm is crazy. Yeah, it is crazy wackadoo. It really is. And we'll get to it later on this week. What's popping up in my feed a lot are. Remember we talked about light language girl? Yeah, we busted her chops for a while. We thought it was kind of nutty that this girl was speaking like this made up language. Pretend she was communicating with the Palladians or whatever, you know, and she had dog in the background. It was really of strange, the whole thing. Very pretty girl dressed with like, you know, glitter and stickers on her forehead. Now there are thousands, and I have to say thousands because I think it's in the thousands of copycat women who are doing this, who are talking in this weird. Clearly made up. And I say this because I'm not. I'm not necessarily a linguistics expert, but there are linguistics experts on social media and some of them have chimed in that they believe that this is all bullshit too. They're like, this is not the way you would talk if you were just like babbling, speaking in tongues. And one of the linguistics said in one of the comments, I have done a lot of research on people speaking in tongues and there are certain instances where people go into trances and they speak in tongues. And it sounds nothing like this. This is someone trying to make up a language that sounds like Spanish and Chinese put together. Right. It's some Spanish Word. Some Spanish dialect, some Chinese dialect. It's all kind of coming together. Anyway, so Jeff's mom. And we'll review that later on in the week. Just a little, just a little tasty teenager. I'm just priming your pump there, kids.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, for the light language, girls.

[Brian Greene]

For the light language, girls. We're Gonna review about 12 of em. If we can get through it without throwing up. It's ridiculous. So Jeff's mom. So you went there and now do the girls, Jeff's children, do they say happy Mother's Day to you?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

They do.

[Brian Greene]

That's very sweet.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I know. Very, very sweet. Very, very sweet. I have a great relationship with them. I love them very much.

[Brian Greene]

They're very sweet girls. They're very nice.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We had one of them with us. She's home from college for the summer and so went to, she was with us, so it was fun.

[Brian Greene]

Takes a little getting used to having the girls home from summer. Now you've been used to having an empty nest over there, huh?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. No more naked cooking.

[Brian Greene]

I just tell her you can't come down on Tuesday nights. That's what I'd say. I'd say you don't want to come down on Tuesday nights. Yeah. Stay upstairs. That's right. Turn the music up. That's all volume at 50.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, but no, we love having our home. But it is a little adjustment.

[Brian Greene]

I do. I get it. I understand. I was talking to you yesterday. I, I, we do this three times a year. The in laws come or Gustavo or somebody comes in. Oh, speaking of Gustavo, check this out. Ready? I love it. Oh, it's got a little Spanish flair to it. Casio 3000. Yay.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's almost mariachi.

[Brian Greene]

It is. Well, I asked it to do flamenco, but I think it went a little left. So in case you don't know, I'm having fun with my new AI Music recorder. Yeah. I put in some lyrics and I give it some direction, and it goes wildly out of control and makes up these crazy shit. Well, you know, I said to the, I said to the kids, I said, okay, listen, kids.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. What did you do? Is this what you did?

[Brian Greene]

This is really, really difficult because when you have younger kids that have minds of their own that can now speak full sentences and have no idea what a secret is, this is really difficult to do because they are desperate to say anything that comes to their mind.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

It's to the point where, like I told Astrid the other day, I said, I would love to finish a sentence. I would just love to Finish a sentence. That's what I would love to do. I'm trying to teach the kids. Like, you have to say, excuse me, wait until the conversation is over. There's a break in the conversation, and then you can jump in. But they are Venezuelan, and I don't know what to tell you. They're Venezuelan, so they just talk over us. That's what they do. Because that's what Venezuelans do. So I say to them, okay, so one of my kids, one of my daughters, is desperate to decorate the entire household with 700 balloons, streamers, and pictures that she's going to draw on every wall she wants to put. And I said, well, how many of them do you think you want to do? And she said, maybe a hundred. And I said, a hundred? Yeah, on this wall. And I go, and what about that wall? And she goes, maybe a hundred. And so she's going down the hallway going, and a hundred there and 100 here.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Greene]

And I said, well, you better get drawn because this is gonna take a long time. We got like eight days. Right? So she's so, you know, there's like, she draws and then the picture goes in the basket. And then she draws and the picture goes in the basket, and then the other kids jump in. It's so sweet. It is so sweet. But I know Astrid. I know her. And this is what Astrid is going to say to me if I go to the store and I buy decorations, streamers, and flowers.

[Child]

I love the flowers, but I would much rather have my hair done.

[Brian Greene]

Right, Right.

[Chatty Patty]

Yes.

[Brian Greene]

She's gonna say to me, where the.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Money could have been spent.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, where the money could have been spent. We're not. We do not have anybody from Dubai offering us a $700 million plane either on the podcast or off the podcast. Right. We get free five hour energy. That's.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And an air freshener.

[Brian Greene]

And an air freshener. That's where we're at. Okay. We got plug. Really fancy plug in air fresheners and shitloads of 5 hour energy for the 12 hours of TCP.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And a good Harry's razor.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, and a good Harry's razor. I like a good Harry's razor. Yeah. And every time, like Bolin branch or one of those mattress places sends us an email, would you advertise? We get so excited.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

But then they do the kind where that we don't have to read it. So they don't have to send it to us because that's not the type of podcast we are. No, you're not like a Mat mattress kind of podcast. Not that kind of podcast. You're like, $25 in credits to my online jewelry store kind of podcast. So anyway, so I say, all right, kids, listen. I know your mother, and I know exactly what she wants. She wants a day away from you. That's what she wants. She wants a day away from you and me. If we're being real honest about it. She wants us all to just leave her alone. Because that's what mothers can really enjoy. They want to be around their children. But at this age, they really don't want to be, like, they want a break from the kids. Right. Because the kids. Of course it is. And I know that. I'm not an idiot. So I say to all the kids, I say, okay, listen, now here. It's just a little insight into how it works at the Green household. I am just a little bit longer in the tooth than my wife. I am older than my wife. I am not the youngest father that has ever lived. Not the oldest, but I'm getting pretty close. I mean, I'm getting pretty close.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It might feel like it on certain days.

[Brian Greene]

It does feel like it on certain days, so. And I also do a lot for the podcast, and a lot of those hours are night hours because it's really difficult to get anything done.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Spent making.

[Brian Greene]

Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The AI.

[Brian Greene]

Yes. Spent making.

[Chatty Patty]

Long.

[Brian Greene]

Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Tired, tireless hours.

[Brian Greene]

Yes. That's. By the way, people went crazy. They loved it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It was in my head, too.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, it was. It was in my head also. I'm with you guys. It also. I caught on to me, too. I. I actually was playing it in here the other night. It was late. I was sitting here watching a television show, and I was like, brian got it wrong. Yeah, let me put that in. Let me just listen to that jam. Thanks, AI. AI made me an earworm. So I say to the kids, oh, so how it works here is I stay up late. Astrid gets up early.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Greene]

And then we got a good system. And then we swap during the day. Like, if I'm not recording, I'll try and help out with the kids and pick them up from school. I do bath times. I usually put people to bed. That's kind of my thing. Right. So. And I play with them so she can get some work done during the evening hours. So we have this, like, little good backing system, and it fits the natural rhythm of our natural clocks. I tend to be up. I just tend to be a person who stays up a little bit later. And when I say later, I mean, like, 11:30 it's not like I'm partying hard. So 95% of the time. 90% of the time, Astrid's up before I am. I often get up to take kids to school, but she's still up a little bit before I am. So I know that a good present for Astrid, like any good father does, is the obligatory, I'll get up with the kids this time so you can sleep in. One day a year, you get to sleep in. Look at me. I'm such a gentleman. One day a year. Go for it, girl. I mean, unless you're sick. If you're sick, then maybe there's two days a year. So I said, all the kids, wake me up first. Don't wake your mom up. Wake me up. Wake me up first.

[Chatty Patty]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

So now, just the way that it happens to be. I was sleeping in one room with one of the kids who. Who were, like, trying to separate from our house. And she was in the other room with a couple of the other kids. And so, 5:50, I set my alarm. 5:50. 5:50, alarm goes off. I know. That's fucking early, isn't it?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

My eyes.

[Brian Greene]

I know your eyes. You just went to sleep. Chrissy just went to sleep, right? Yeah, Chrissy went back to sleep. We're at River Beach.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I just.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, I know. 5:50, alarm goes off. But I notice there's no commotion. And the kid I'm sleeping with, he's not up yet. So I'm like, okay, all right. I'm gonna get a couple extra minutes here. Hit the snooze button, go back to bed. And then all of a sudden, a couple of the girls run in the room like, 10 minutes later. So I do this trick where I'm like, hi, girls. And they're like, so excited. They're like, it's Mommy's day. It's Mommy's day. We gotta get the decorations. And I'm like, we are definitely gonna do that, but the stores don't open for another couple of hours. So why don't you come in bed and let's do a cuddle buggle. So now it's like me and 13 children in this queen size bed. And I'm just, like, holding them as tight as I can, sleeping, hoping that none of them moves. If anybody's ever had children, then you know this. If the kids are moving, then they're up. But if they're not moving, then they're asleep. And sometimes if you hug them tightly, it's as if you're suffocating them. And they can't move so that they continue to stay asleep. Just hug them tighter, right?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

So here's me. I literally have two piled on top of me. One over here, one over. We're all like this and everything's fine until Blue starts barking. Blue starts growling.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Growling?

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, she's growling because she wants food, bitch. She's like outside the door scratching.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Just.

[Brian Greene]

Like, yes, she can hear me. She's mad at me. Cause I'm making fun of her. So we get up. 6:15, we get up and the. These kids are begging me, begging me to go to the store and to buy stuff. And I'm like, guys, listen to me. If we're gonna spend money on mom, and we are, the best thing that we can do is allow her to spend it in the way that she sees fit. Let her go have a day. Let's not. I know that the streamers sound nice, but that's stuff Mommy then is gonna feel like she needs to clean up.

[Chatty Patty]

Right?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's true too.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. And they are getting so upset. They want to go to the store. And I know why they want to go to the store. Because they want the streamers, they want the balloons, they want some candy and check out some candy. That's right. So I said, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go get the art cart, which is a cart full of art stuff. I'm gonna get the art cart. Everyone make a card. I had bought cards for them to sign as stuff. We're going to sign cards, okay? And then. And then when Mommy wakes up, we're going to surprise her with that. And then me and some other people in the family, we all went in together. Hair, nails, massage, facial. Right now. We're not going to do that on Mother's Day. Why aren't we going to do that on Mother's Day, gentlemen? Because Mother's Day is the worst possible day to do any of that. They're going to be waiting in line, aggravated and tired by the end of the day. Because everything is crazy crowded. Because mothers go on strike on Mother's Day and as they should. So, you know, so it's me at 6:15 in the morning till almost about 10 with these children. And I gotta tell you, Chrissy, like every other father who can resonate with the following statement, I'm about to make a newfound respect for everything that goes on before I usually even open up my eyes. The constant need for feeding, and I don't know what the fuck to make. I'm literally making Eggos with, like, melted Nestle Crunch bars on there. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm doing. I'm like, I burned myself three times just trying to make an Eggo. I'm just trying to make an Eggo. It's not that hard to put it in the toaster. I'm sticking my finger in there. I'm just. I'm all kinds of. And one of my daughters doesn't like it. She wants something else. So I said, what do you want? She goes, I don't know. Eggs and eggs. Can you make me eggs? I said, eggies. Yeah, I can scramble up some eggs. No eggs. And here's the crazy thing. The night before, Astrid's doing some online shopping. Like, you know, the Walmart delivery, Kroger delivery, whatever it is. She looks at me and she goes, hon, I'm doing some shopping. Do you need anything? And I go, no, I'm good. That's always my answer. No, I'm good. And I always need something. But I'm like, no, I'm good. And I end up, can'. I need some cream. I asked you. So I said, no, I'm good. And she goes, you sure? I go, yeah, you don't want anything for tomorrow? And I go, no, I don't. I didn't understand what she meant. And then when I'm looking for the eggs, I understand what she meant. She meant you dumb. Dumb. You're gonna need to feed these kids something besides Nestle Crunch bars in the morning. So I don't have anything. So what do I do? I take, like, some Hawaiian rolls, slather it with butter, throw some Mexican cheese on it, and make myself like a Mexican. Like a grilled cheese.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Cheese toast.

[Brian Greene]

Cheese toast.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Cheese toast was a staple in my house growing up.

[Brian Greene]

I burned it. I burned it. I burned it. And my daughter, who's so young, she's like, grote. I'm like, well, you okay? What we need to do. Mom will be up in, like, three hours. Here's some milk. You want some milk? I'm feeding them milk. Juice boxes, fish crackers. Yeah, anything. Goldfish. I don't care. I'm just. I'm stuffing anything in their mouth. But, man, it was hard that three hours. Three, four hours.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, it is hard.

[Brian Greene]

Hard. But it was like I was. You know, I'm feeling it. I'm tired. The good. The only. The only common sense that I had in my head was to get to bed with enough.

[Chatty Patty]

Like, early.

[Brian Greene]

I didn't.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, good. I wasn't a little gas in the tank.

[Brian Greene]

I know if I go past midnight, no matter what the situation, I'm gonna be tired. But if I can get to bed, if I can be in the bed by 10 o', clock, then I feel like I'll be okay if I wake up at six in the morning. So Astor gets up, and the kids are on the. I let the kids have the iPad while I was cooking.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Of course you did.

[Brian Greene]

Of course I did. Because I. I don't know what to do. We're not like an ipod family.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Like a Mr.

[Brian Greene]

Bomb. Oh, my God.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Movie.

[Brian Greene]

It so is. I'm just so bad at all this stuff. And so the kids are all crowded around this one iPad playing whatever game. You know, SpongeBob Square. Whatever the fuck they're playing. SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm in the pantry. Astrid walks into the kitchen, and I can hear her go, hey, guys. Like, you know, hey, good morning. And I'm doing something in the pantry, and I don't hear anything in response. And then I hear it again. Hi, guys. Nothing in response. So I throw the thing down in the pantry, and I pop my head out and I go, hey, hey. Your mother. And the kids look at me, and they're like. And then they go back to the iPad, and I go, your mother is up. It's Mother's Day. And one of the kids goes, hey, Mom. And I'm like, oh, my God. Get the fucking iPad out of your hand and go say hello to your mother. The same woman. Oh, let me tell you. When we were talking about the whole, like, you know, having this big argument and conversation about streamers and balloons and all this other stuff, I said, guys, this is just not what Mommy would want us to spend the money on for. I promise you. And one of my kids, so fucking cute. Looked at me, and he goes, we could open up my piggy bank and use my money. And I go, oh, that's very sweet, brother. Yes, but that's because you want the streamers, not me. But it's not about that. But if you do have a 20 in there, what do you got? I'd use it to buy eggs. So we sell it. So anyway, Asher gets up, and then I handled the kids for a while. Then I put one of them down for a nap. And then we went to Grandma Kiki's.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I was wondering if you.

[Brian Greene]

My mom's house. We went to Kiki's retirement.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I figured you were gonna go there.

[Brian Greene]

And, man, let me tell you something. I bet it was a scene Grandma Kiki's retirement village is a scene on any day of the week, but on Mother's Day with small children in tow, it is like. I don't know how to say this. It's like an adventure race. You have to get around people you know are probably gonna try and touch your children. You have to ignore people who you know are a little bit lonely.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Like a Pac Man.

[Brian Greene]

Yes, like Pac Man. You have to eat all the things and get away from all the ghosts.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Greene]

Because the g. Which, honestly, some of them are.

[Chatty Patty]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

All right, let's do this. Let's take a break and I'll tell you about Grandma Kiki's house. Okay. All right, we'll be back. You'll make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some very heavy thinking to do before 10 o'.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Clock.

[Rachel]

Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void, like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-4333. TC. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a race. Compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans or tell us a little story. The juicier the better. By the way, we love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials at the commercial break on Insta, tcb podcast on tickets, and for those of you who like to watch. Oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video, YouTube.com the commercial break, and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker, or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food. Today is pork chop day.

[Brian Greene]

So. Yeah, so we went to Graham and Kiki's house. So I said, astron, I said, listen, let me. Let me take the kids over to my mom's house, over to my mom's place. Because, listen, Astrid loves my mom, of course, and my mom is like, honestly, one of the sweetest, nicest people that you will ever meet in your life. And sometimes that works in her favor and sometimes that grates on you a little bit. Right? You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. You've been there. I know you have this. And listen, and sometimes there's real challenges with dealing with my mom and that's complicated. And I'm not going to explain it here on the commercial break, but if you want to do it, if you're a therapist. I want to do a free therapy session. With me. Yeah. When do we get free therapy? When is that coming? Five hour energy. Love it. When am I going to get free therapy? Hey, better help. Come on. Come on. So I pack all the kids in the car, or excuse me, I'm about to pack all the kids in the car. And then one of them gets the idea that Grandma Kiki needs a present. Like, we got her something in a card, but I need to give her a present. And I said, okay, what are you gonna give her? Well, how about a Mickey Mouse? And I'm like, mm, Mickey Mouse? Like a toy you put in the bathtub. Like a Mickey Mouse toy you put in the bathtub. Eh, okay. I'm not sure Grandma Kiki's into Mickey Mouse. Do you have a Judge Judy or a Dr. Phil? Maybe that'd be more appropriate.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

Okay.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

All right.

[Brian Greene]

Or one of those Real Housewives are somewhere. That'd be cool.

[Chatty Patty]

Cool.

[Brian Greene]

Okay. All right. You know, cool. You want to put a Mickey Mouse in there? Let's put a Mickey Mouse.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I like the. I like the recycling.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The upcycling.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. God knows we can get rid of the toys. Like, if you want to give her 12 Mickey Mouses, we'd still have 12 to go. So they pick up Mickey Mouse. Then the other kids. I want to bring something in Grandma Kiki. Okay. You know, Paw patrol, You know, I want to bring something to grandma Kiki, you know, Taylor Swift book. Okay.

[Chatty Patty]

All right.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Right.

[Brian Greene]

Then before I know it, and anybody with kids will. Will absolutely understand this struggle. Each of them has a backpack full of toys. And these backpacks are like, weigh 20 pounds a piece. And I know exactly what that means. I'm going to be carrying the backpack into the fucking house, into my mother's. I'm going to be lugging those things around the retirement village for three hours. And guess what? I lug those things around the retirement village for three hours. Because as soon as we got out of the car, it's like, I'm so tired.

[Child]

I don't wanna carry it anymore.

[Brian Greene]

And. Okay, can we just leave it in the car?

[Child]

No, I wanna show grandma Kiki.

[Brian Greene]

No, can you just leave it in the car? Because I don't think Grandma Kiki wants a Mickey Mouse.

[Child]

But I showed Grandma Kiki my Mickey Mouse.

[Brian Greene]

Okay, then carry it.

[Child]

I'm so tired. I've been carrying it the whole time.

[Brian Greene]

You didn't carry it at all? I put it in the car. It was on the floor. I drove here. The car did all the hard work.

[Child]

I don't want to carry it anymore.

[Brian Greene]

Anyone has a seven alarm meltdown, I'm like, now I've got all the backpacks, I've got diaper bags, I've got backpacks, I've got water bottles. I don't know what I'm. I might be carrying a child. I'm not sure. I don't know. Who knows? I'm going into Grandma Kiki's house. And before. This is a retirement home, guys. It's one big apartment building, you know, gracious living retirement home or whatever the. The fuck. And there's a pergola in front, like a parking pergola in front. Like every one of those has. Everybody gets dropped off. Right. Well. And you can't find a parking space near the park, but luckily it's packed. I have smartly decided to go in between the hours of lunch and dinner because as soon as you walk into the place, there's the huge dining room.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Greene]

You know, like the cruise ship dining room. You know what I'm saying? Where every night, every, every single meal, the cruise director, the retirement home director gives a speech, talks about the wonderful food. We have carrots with butt paste and pork chops from three weeks ago and some mango salad. It's gonna be delicious. You gotta love it. And make sure to join us for bingo at seven. We're gonna have retirement bucks. Collect 12 retirement bucks.

[Chatty Patty]

Bucks.

[Brian Greene]

Got a Hershey's Kisses. And everyone gets excited.

[Child]

Oh, Hershey's Castles.

[Brian Greene]

I love her. We're in for it, Chrissy. I'm telling you, it's coming soon. I'm making fun of it now, but I'm not going to be making fun of it when I'm the cruise ship director, when I'm the one doing that. So, yeah, you and I could do it. Chair aerobics at 7 with brandy. We're showing movies at 9 o'.

[Chatty Patty]

Clock.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Nine. Oh, that's way better.

[Brian Greene]

A.m. chrissy, before night, before dinner at 1pm we're showing. We're showing movies in the theater room. Guess what we're showing tonight?

[Chatty Patty]

Cult.

[Brian Greene]

We're showing a classic movie, Pulp Fiction.

[Child]

Ooh, I love Pulp Fiction.

[Brian Greene]

So I smartly go avoiding those hours. I know exactly what I'm doing. Yes. Because if I go, first of all, my mom hates everybody in there until the kids show up and then she loves everybody in there. And they all got to meet the kids. You know what I'm saying? When she's on the phone, she hates everybody. When we're there, everybody's her best friend, and she has to endure.

[Child]

I told her I was getting introduced to friends of the kid, the kids. Brian, don't be like that.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Brian, don't be like that.

[Brian Greene]

Brian, don't be like that. I have spent years in therapy getting over a few things in my life. One of them is my mother. But more specifically, under the umbrella of my mother is the fact that I am a twin. And because I am a twin, and because in 19, when I was born, twins were not necessarily a thing. Like here now, everybody's a twin.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, right. Because of all that fertility.

[Brian Greene]

Yes, because of all the fertility and because just as the lineage goes on, twins, multiples are not that uncommon. You have to be like. You have to be a quintuplet now to get any kind of attention. You know what I'm saying? Twins, not that big of a deal. But when my brother and I were young, it was a big deal. There were very few twins. It wasn't a thing. And so guess what? I was like that Mickey Mouse doll. I got carted around in the back of a bag 24 hours a day to be shown off to anybody and everybody. My mom would put us in, like, local Kiwanis Club pageants, where we would walk up and down in our cute little suits and ties, dressed exactly alike. And anytime we went to my. Anytime we were with my mom. Mother, or with one of my grandmothers, we would be shown off, I swear to God. As if you're not Mona Lisa. Yeah, but when you're six, everybody's identical. You know what I'm saying? Everybody looks alike at six. And Kevin and I have never really looked alike, but at a young age, we were.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, I could see that.

[Brian Greene]

I hate this. I hate being shown off if. And. And I don't want my kids to feel that same way. I really don't want them to feel like they're little things that get, you know, paraded around. It's just a thing. I don't know. It's a thing.

[Chatty Patty]

I hate it.

[Brian Greene]

It's a trigger for me. So I don't want to subject my children to this. And I know that this retirement village is the place where this thing is going to happen, So I try and shield my children a little bit from it. We don't even get to the fucking pergola, and there's 12 cars pulling up. You know, everyone's pulling up to drop their mom off. Yeah, they're all dropping their mom, and they're all getting out with their walk.

[Child]

Oh, it's the green kids. Are you Vicky's grandchildren? Oh, my God, you're so adorable. Come here.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Child]

Give grandma space face a kiss. You have the prettiest hair I've ever seen.

[Brian Greene]

Meanwhile, this woman has wild pink hair that you can see through.

[Child]

It's like transparent hair in the sun. Yes, it's ins.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Because it's white and it's been done pink.

[Brian Greene]

But this is pink. It's like pink. It's not a natural color.

[Child]

And she's like, oh, my God, look at you. How old are you? Seventeen.

[Brian Greene]

I'm like, he's five. Seventeen.

[Child]

Five. I know your mom. Your mom and me are friends.

[Brian Greene]

Teeth rattling, falling out.

[Child]

You're not an. I are friends.

[Brian Greene]

My kids are like. And I'm like, okay, come on.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

I gotta go.

[Brian Greene]

Kiki's waiting on us. We walk in those sliding glass doors, and there's Kiki right there, sitting in.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Her wheelchair right there.

[Child]

Hi, guys. Did you meet Pyramid?

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Hi.

[Child]

I knew it. It's your kids. Come here. That's the prettiest dress I've ever seen. I used to have a dress like that when I was your age.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, yeah? Oh, really? Okay. All right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The old one, I was your age.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. The old one, I was your age. So I'm like. And by the way, to be clear, there are a few people that my mom is actually, like, friendly with. One of them is named Barbara, and she's a lovely woman. She's, like, completely normal, actually. She's like, you know, just very nice. She comes in, she says hi. She doesn't, like, you know, overdo it. She's like, hi. She talks to the kids like they're human beings. I think part of the challenge with sometimes with the older folks is they're in such amazement that somebody could be that young.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That, like, such a long time ago.

[Brian Greene]

It's such a long time ago. And I understand. I do get it. I absolutely understand. And actually, I'm being kind of a dick about it, but I do like the fact that youth brings youth. Like, youth brings energy, youth brings smiles. Youth brings. It's fun to see kids in this age. Listen, I'm pretty old, too, and I get a lot of enjoyment out of the youth of my children. Children, right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's just they are really cute.

[Brian Greene]

Sometimes the way people come about it is a little. It's like, I can see why my children get a Little nervous because I remember being like that. I remember, like, oh, you know. So I go, okay, Kiki. All right. So my mom, she's like, I gotta ask three something. And I'm like, oh, okay.

[Child]

Can you give it to.

[Brian Greene]

Of course, Mom. I'll give it to her. What is it? And she hands me this plant. It's a silk plant in fake water. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes. Yes, I have seen those.

[Brian Greene]

Like, the fake water. You know, it's a. It's like, I don't glue. That's supposed to be water or whatever. And she's like, I got this from.

[Child]

Someone else, and it's brought me such joy. I thought Astrid would love it.

[Brian Greene]

And I'm like, oh, my God, mom, you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have regifted the silk flower. And I go, okay, I'll give it to her.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Pass it along.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, I think I left it at the place, by the way, now that I'm thinking about it. Whoops. Okay. So I say, mom, can we go in somewhere? Can we go into a place or something? You know, do you want to bring.

[Child]

The kids up to my room?

[Brian Greene]

And I'm like, I do not want to bring the kids up to your room, because her room is just a room.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

With a TV that is always blaring. And, like, you know, I just don't want the kids to go up there and get into things. And it's a lot. Yeah. My mom takes a lot of medicine.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The medicine and the things.

[Brian Greene]

Some of them are on the floor. I don't know. There's like a whole scene going on up there. Yeah. If she, like, you know, if one of the medicines drops, she. It's just on the floor. And then some lady comes, picks it up two weeks later. Right. Okay. Takes it. I'm not sure what's going on. So we go to the activities room, and in the activities room, there are some things, at least for the children to do. But, you know, it's also someone else's house, essentially. So you don't want the kids, like, going ham wild. But they have, like, a Plinko board, you know? Plinko Price Is Right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. Where you drop it from the top and it's.

[Brian Greene]

They have a Plinko board that plays the music of the Price Is Right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, that's amazing.

[Brian Greene]

And it, like, lights up when you. Oh, it was all. Well, I. I was excited about that. I'm like, oh, shit, that's cool. So I'm over there playing it. They Have a piano. Now, one of my kids, all of a sudden is Chai fucking Kowski. He's over there just banging on the piano. And they have an ice cream machine. Oh, now, God bless the ice cream machine. I know this is the coolest thing, and I know this is part of the reason why the kids want to go over there, because it would be for me, too. They have an ice cream machine. Half the time it works, half the time it doesn't.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Like the McDonald's.

[Brian Greene]

Like, the McDonald's. It's. And by the way, it is a McDonald's ice cream machine. That's what it is. I think it's the same company. I worked at McDonald's, and I know it's the exact same thing. I also know they're difficult to clean, they're difficult to maintain. And what's coming out of there is probably half mold, half ice cream. Like, I don't know. I have no idea. But the kids love it, and they have the. You know, so. Okay, so let's have some ice cream. All right. It's chocolate ice cream today, or whatever mix they're putting in there. Okay, great. They're. It's going everywhere. One of my daughter's white dresses is just full of chocolate. I'm just. But I'm just like, whatever, just let them have it. It's great. Wonderful.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You have to let go at some point.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, you do have to let go.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Whatever.

[Brian Greene]

Yes. My mom starts playing with a couple of the girls, and she's like. One of the girls brought, like, a comb and these rainbow hair extensions that you can put in, like, the little girl's hairs, right? And so she brings it over, and so my mom's putting it on her. And then all of a sudden, I noticed that the younger ones. One is combing my mom's hair. And I'm thinking to myself, that's a wig. That's a wig. That's a wig. Oh, no, that's a wig. And the more that she's combing it, the more I can see it's.

[Child]

Oh, my God, it's moving. It's moving.

[Chatty Patty]

It's moving.

[Brian Greene]

And I'm like, oh. And I don't think my mom notices. And then the older daughter is putting the rainbow purple thing in her hair. My mom looks like a crazy person. This entire thing is going on. And as I'm sitting there in this activities room, I've noticed there is a man who's not that old, who's probably in his, like, early 60s, who's sitting over There. And he's watching this whole thing. He's the only other person in the room. Kind of strange. In the activity room. In the activity room. Kind of strangely. Just sitting there, right?

[Chatty Patty]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's kind of weird.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, kind of weird. And so, okay, so I see he's just sitting there. He's sitting there watching. Just watching. And I thought, okay, well, you know, I guess what can you do? It's an activities room. I mean, you know, what am I gonna do? Can you leave? I mean, it's not my house. It's his house.

[Chatty Patty]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

Or I think it's his house. I don't know. Meanwhile, you know, people are coming in and out every time someone comes in.

[Child]

Hey, hey, Judy. Did you meet my grandchildren? Come over here and meet the grandchildren.

[Brian Greene]

And they're like, hi, I'm Judy, I.

[Child]

Live on the first floor. Did you know I was in the war?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's right. I mean, this is the exact same thing that used to happen when I would go to Papa John.

[Brian Greene]

I know, it's crazy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's the same everywhere.

[Brian Greene]

Bombed those bastards. And I'm like, oh yeah? Which war was that? Don't remember. People are coming in and out, but still the guy, the guy. And I'm like, okay, he's just over there and he's like. He's got a mouth agape. He's staring and really think to myself, that's just. I don't like this. Like, it's a little weird.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

So we suffer through about, I don't know, hour and a half of this. And I say, okay, kids, come on, wrap it up. I told your mom we'd be home at 5:30 because it's dinner time. Or I said, I told your mom we'd be home at 5 because it's dinner time.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Dinner's at 5:30.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

This is the guy.

[Brian Greene]

This is the guy. I. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

You said dinner's at five. Dinner's at five thirty.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, okay. I think you're right about that.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

It's always at 5:30.

[Brian Greene]

Okay, guys, it thanks for that chicken and for dumplings.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Five thirty.

[Brian Greene]

Okay.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

All right, kids, eat free.

[Brian Greene]

Okay? All right. Now, this is my kids.

[Child]

I want chicken and dumplings.

[Brian Greene]

I'm like, no, no, no, no, we gotta go home. It's Mother's Day. We gotta have. But Grandma Kiki's mom, five thirty.

[Child]

I want chicken and dumplings.

[Brian Greene]

And my mom's like, brian, can't you.

[Child]

Stay for just a little bit longer?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Like that?

[Child]

Don't be like that. Let Them stay.

[Brian Greene]

I'm like, oh, my God. I gotta get out of here.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

5:30.

[Child]

I like chicken and dumplings. Don't be like that, Brian. Let him have chicken and dumplings.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Jello.

[Child]

I love jello, Daddy.

[Chatty Patty]

Jello.

[Child]

One dinner's not gonna kill you, Brian.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Table fives. Table fives. Where I sit. 5:30.

[Child]

Come on, kids.

[Brian Greene]

It's mass chaos. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop you. Thank you. Five 30. Got it. 10, 4. Mom, shut up. No dinner. Kids, get in the car now. Let's go. Pack up all your 35 backpacks. Let's get the fuck out of here. I'm now trapped in a hellhole. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, this ice cream machine all of a sudden at the end went on the blitz, and it started making, like, this unholy racket, like. And one of my daughters is like, loud, loud, loud, loud.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

5:30.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, it's all.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, God. It was Chrissy. It was like. It was chaos for, like, three minutes. I didn't know what to do. It was one of those moments as a father when you're like, yeah, oh, have kids. They said, it'll be fun. They said. It was so weird. He kept yelling and he, like, moved backwards when he said it.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Fun learning.

[Brian Greene]

Okay, don't. Okay, table five.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Table five, where is it?

[Brian Greene]

Okay, kids eat free. Kids eat free. What is this, Bojangles?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Kids eat free.

[Brian Greene]

It's old country buffet. Yeah, that's right. Kids eat free. Okay, roll My mom. Roll. Okay. Okay, Mom. All right, roll them up, roll them up.

[Chatty Patty]

Let's go.

[Brian Greene]

So I start rolling my mom. My mom does the one thing that I fucking hate when I like the. The baby. The youngest of them is like. Now she's like. I think she's a little scared at all that's going on, you know, guy yelling, racket going on, loud noises. And so she's trying to, like, get up on me, but I'm pushing my mom, and so she runs to go get up to Grandma Kiki. And I said, babe, don't get up there, because I don't know how. Yeah, I don't know how secure that is. Right? I don't want anybody falling. I don't want my mom. Mom hurting or anything like that. And my mom just grabs her and puts her on. Like, My mom completely ignores my request as a parent. She just does not. She never. If I say something, she does the opposite. My mom is like a little child herself in that way. And it's like, mom, you got to respect the fact that I'm a parent, and you got to respect what I. My wishes with my children. But I let it slide. It's Mother's Day. Okay, whatever. So. So we go. We push her. We get to the elevator. Are you ready for this?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I don't know.

[Brian Greene]

We're rolling to the elevator. And when we're rolling to the elevator, I see down this long hallway, someone is coming in, like a side entrance, a man and a woman. And all of a sudden, my mom does this like crazy, like, ah, Ah.

[Child]

Joan, Joan, my grandkids.

[Brian Greene]

And I'm like, oh, God, she's got.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Her hands waving in there.

[Brian Greene]

Yes. She's waving them like, come, Joan. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, God, I thought we were almost outta here. And there's, like, people.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm so close.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. There's people gathering for dinner. And they're all seconds earlier.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We made the elephant.

[Brian Greene]

That's it. And I go, mom, we really gotta go.

[Child]

Oh, just. Just one. Just don't be like that. Just one. They really wanted to meet the kids. Joan.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Joan.

[Child]

They really wanted to meet them, Joan.

[Brian Greene]

And I'm like, they can't move any faster, Mom. I think they're traveling at the speed they're comfortable with. So eventually, Joan and her husband, Owen, I think his name was. Very, very nice people. Very nice people. And then let me tell you why they're nice people. So, you know, it's chaos, you know.

[Child]

Oh, my God, aren't you so cute?

[Brian Greene]

Look at you, handsome young man you turned out to be. And then he looks at me, and he looks at me, and he goes, you look entirely. You look entirely too old to be her grandkid. Ha ha ha. I'm like, okay, that's a good one. Thanks. And Joan. And then. And then this lady Joan goes, well.

[Child]

I know this face.

[Brian Greene]

And I go, oh, I don't think we've met before. And she goes, we haven't met before.

[Child]

But I know your podcast.

[Brian Greene]

And I go, and now, I had explained to my mother that it's probably a bad idea to be spreading around the podcast. Cause it's a bit on the racy side sometimes. So my mom pipes right in the middle of this conversation, and she goes.

[Child]

Well, Brian told me the podcast can be kind of racy.

[Brian Greene]

And Joan goes, well, that's one way to put it. Here I am Mother's Day at a retirement village, and I'm not even safe. I'm not even safe in the retirement village. Not at Starbucks, not at Kroger. I didn't even tell you the story that I walked around a corner, Kroger, and one of the stock guys, or whoever he was, is listening to our fucking show on break. He's sitting outside smoking a cigarette. I hear my voice. I don't even think I told Astrid this. And he's listening to the commercial break. And I know that he is because I saw his phone and I saw our cover. He was listening to it. You think I said something? No, I didn't say anything. I walked right by. But it was kind of cool, I gotta say. Kind of cool. I was like, all right, cool. I don't know who he was. He was. I don't know who the guy was or what he did at Kroger, but he had one of those, like, you know, like, stock boy rocks on. He was a little bit older in age, but he was listening to one of our episodes from last week. Week. And I was like, holy shit.

[Chatty Patty]

Really?

[Brian Greene]

Now that certainly is the first time that's ever happened. I've never heard our show out in the wild. But anyway, so Joan goes, well, that's one way to put it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's like. It's like when I said Kelly's mother in law was. You know, I. I listened to the podcast.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And I was like, yeah, yeah. And then that's it.

[Brian Greene]

That's the only conversation. So I said, well, Ken, kids, we gotta go.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's one way to put it.

[Brian Greene]

And Joan said, well, I'm not a.

[Child]

Listener of the show, but I'm sure it's great.

[Brian Greene]

And that's when I said, it's not for everybody.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's not for everybody.

[Brian Greene]

It's not for everybody.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, my God. We need to start talking like that.

[Brian Greene]

What's that? I know.

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Fl.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What time are we recording tomorrow?

[Retirement Home Staff / Resident]

Oh, my flirting.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, the adventures and retirement home continue.

[Brian Greene]

The very least, I know that every time I go to that retirement home, I'm coming away with something to talk about. Yeah, that's it. I should go there more often. So Astrid said, somebody wrote on our YouTube and I got to give you credit, whoever you are, I love this podcast. But only. Only Brian, I think it was. I think he said, only Brian or only we or whatever. Only Brian would think of a name of a thing. We all hate listening and watching. Fair enough. Fair enough. That is fair. That is fair. It's fair. No one likes the commercial break. The commercial break. No one likes it. That's our new tagline, the commercial break. No one likes it. All right, everyone, settle down. We got another. We got more work to do. All right. So save it, save it for the next one. All right. 12 days, 1212 hours of TCB. 12 hours of TCB May 31st starting at 9 or 10am Just pay attention. You'll figure it out and I'll explain why. On the during the 12 hours of TCB 12 back, at least 12 back to back episodes of the commercial break raise awareness for your mental health, everyone's mental health. Also to celebrate five years of doing this show show six seasons. We'll be reviewing it all. We'll be reviewing it all on May 31st. If you want to call in and participate. 212-433-TCB 212-433-TCB, text us and we'll let you know how you can participate at the commercial break on Instagram tcb podcast on TikTok YouTube.com the commercial break for all the episodes on video same day they air here on audio@tcb podcast.com Keep up with all the comings and goings. Get your free sticker. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Greene]

I'll tell you that I love you I'll say best to you until next time we must say we will say we do say goodbye.

[Listener Caller / Critic]

Sat it.