Hack Those Sticky Eyes!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Commercial Break — "Hack Those Sticky Eyes!" (Feb 26, 2025)

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Main Theme & Episode Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break, hosted by Bryan Green and Krissy Hoadley, is classic TCB: offbeat, raucous, and filled with irreverent banter. The central focus is improvisational comedy riffing on viral life hacks—specifically the “Sticky Eyes” seduction trick circulating on TikTok—mixed with hilarious personal stories, piercing pop culture commentary, and their trademark friendship chemistry. While the episode skewers the idea that there are shortcuts to love, connection, or even cleaning, it ultimately lands on the importance of authenticity, humor, and embracing life's unpredictable messiness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. A Mockumentary-Style Cold Open

• [00:04–03:19] The episode launches with a parody newscast about a Russian exchange student survivor, Roman Rakhmonovok. This blends absurd, deadpan humor with surreal storytelling, setting the show's chaotic improv tone.
  • Notable moment: A tragically comic performance of “Let It Be,” sung in mangled English (“tribes of tribal modern airy comes to me...”).

2. Viral Hacks & the Myth of Shortcuts

• [03:36–13:46] Bryan and Krissy introduce the life-hack theme, lampooning the internet’s obsession with “hacks” for everything—from cleaning microwaves to dating.
  • Memorable exchange:
    • Bryan: "If there was a secret that you could use, some magic fire—on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack works... and it’s usually something your grandma was doing way back when.” [03:36]
    • Krissy: “Like how to clean the microwave out. With steam in, like, some weird tribal writing in a cave. It’s been lost for a generation, but now we found it again.” [03:49]

3. Pop Culture Tangents: Dr. Phil & Oprah

• [04:43–12:15]
  • A tangent on Dr. Phil impressions, the weird turn his career has taken, and the commodification of talk-show trainwrecks.
  • Bryan shares a childhood anecdote: his mom speeding to catch Oprah, ending with “Oprah’s on! We gotta make it!” [09:23]
  • They discuss how Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz were “Oprah’s holy shit bombs,” representing how once-consequential TV devolved into exploitative spectacle.
    • Bryan: “To me, Dr. Phil, toward the end, a lot of it was just like poverty porn, if I’m being honest.” [11:42]

4. Parenthood, Puke Stories, and the Limits of Resilience

• [12:25–24:02]
  • Bryan recounts traumatic parental war stories involving projectile vomiting, cleaning disasters, and the “orange-flavored sawdust” trauma from school.
  • Krissy sympathizes but notes “It’s not a stranger, it’s your child,” and Bryan retorts: “She’s a stranger when she’s throwing up! That’s not my child, that’s some demon animal that’s throwing fire out of her mouth.” [19:28]
  • Culminates in imagining educational TV for “hungover parents,” with Bryan musing, “Bluey needs to do an episode on hungover Mommy and Daddy.” [23:44]

5. The ‘Sticky Eyes’ Seduction Hack: TikTok Gets Roasted

• [26:03–32:03]
  • Introduction of the "Sticky Eyes" dating hack: stare at someone, look away, stare longer until it gets weird, then never look again (audio from TikTok included).
  • Bryan and Krissy deconstruct how this is both uncomfortable and unnecessary: “Stare at them uncomfortably long and they’ll come right to you. With a police officer, maybe!” [28:19]
  • Krissy: “It was actually a three-pronged approach... then you never look again. Throughout the entire relationship. Look down at your feet.” [29:11]
  • They make clear: Dating hacks are mostly nonsense; being yourself and communicating is what actually matters.

6. No Hack for Love, Relationships, or Rubik’s Cubes

• [32:03–39:04]
  • Life’s real hacks are basic: “There’s no hack to finding love, no hack to relationships. Meet someone with mutual respect, trust, and admiration. Try your best on a daily basis to keep it par. That’s it. The hack is be a fucking good partner.” [34:01–34:43]
  • Hilarious failed attempts at various relationship “hacks” (including “paid for sex… and didn’t get it!” [35:11]) and Rubik’s Cube cheats.

7. Longevity in Relationships: Humor, Respect, and Space

• [35:50–39:04]
  • Bryan reflects on 10 years with his partner Astrid: “I can count on one hand the amount of blowouts... and those were like a conversation on a Tuesday afternoon.” [38:02]
  • Both hosts celebrate the importance of giving each other space and maintaining laughter as a relationship’s secret sauce.
    • Krissy: “Throw a little dash of humor into it, too.” [38:37]

8. The College Bar Theory: There Are No Magic Tricks

• [39:04–53:46]
  • Bryan tells a lengthy, illustrative story from his 30s about attending a Clemson homecoming, offering both comic nostalgia and a life lesson. Despite following the “Sticky Eyes” formula in real life, he ends up ghosted (“the number doesn’t exist!” [51:36]).
  • Krissy and Bryan conclude: No hack is needed—just “get into a little bit of good trouble.” Take risks, put yourself out there, have fun, and be real.
    • Bryan’s advice for Gen Z: “Go have the time of your life. Get in trouble without getting arrested. That’s the good kind of trouble.” [53:49]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Seduction Hacks:
  “Stare at them uncomfortably long and they’ll come right to you. With a police officer, maybe.” — Bryan [28:19]

• On Bodily Disasters:
  “She’s a stranger when she’s throwing up. That’s some demon animal that’s throwing fire out of her mouth.” — Bryan [19:28]

• On Love & Relationships:
  “The hack is be a fucking good partner. If you’re a good partner, you’ll have a good partner. It really is pretty simple.” — Bryan [34:43]

• On College Bars and Confidence:
  “At a college bar… you don’t even need it. Just go to a college bar and hang out long enough, and a lovely guy or girl, whatever your favor is, is going to find you.” — Bryan [51:36]

• On Generational Differences:
  “Put the screen down for a minute and walk into a bar and get yourself into a little bit of good trouble… you may not get laid every time, but it eventually will happen if you want it to.” — Bryan [53:49]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [00:04–03:19] — Cold open: Crabapple’s Russian exchange student opera spoof
• [04:43–12:15] — TV talk: Dr. Phil, Oprah, and the talk-show circus
• [12:25–24:02] — Parenting, puke stories, and kid comedy
• [26:03–29:29] — Breakdown and mockery of the “Sticky Eyes” TikTok hack
• [32:03–35:29] — No shortcuts in love: hacks vs. reality
• [39:04–53:46] — Bryan’s epic Clemson homecoming story (the real-life “hack” in action)
• [53:46–54:43] — Advice for the young: Put yourself out there, pursue “good trouble”
• [56:03–end] — Closing thoughts, community callout

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Tone & Takeaways

• Irreverent, Confessional, Insightful: The tone is loose, playful, and self-aware. Bryan and Krissy bounce between absurdity and wisdom, using personal stories to reinforce that life, love, and friendship don’t have cheat codes—just lived experience and humility.
• No “Hack” Works Like Being Yourself: Whether dealing with puke, pursuing romance, or solving daily challenges, the duo affirms there’s just no magic shortcut. Authenticity, respect, and the courage to “get into good trouble” matter most.

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For Listeners New and Old:
You don’t need to have heard a minute of TCB before to enjoy the hilarious storytelling, bracing honesty, and gentle reminders that life’s a chaotic ride best handled with humor, friendship, and a little willingness to make mistakes along the way.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Foreign.

[Narrator]

Welcome back to WSHIT's focus on community, a follow up on a story 22 years in the making. Longtime Crabapple residents will remember the short lived but meaningful Russian exchange student program that tugged at the hearts and the souls of the citizens of this great township. And some with a keen mind will recall the very first Russian exchange student, 42 year old Roman Rakhmonovok. Roman was just a rather fresh faced middle aged man studying opera at the local community college of Crabapple when he lost his chin, part of his tongue and most of his nose in a terrible massage. Related accident at Tina Tannen Tweeze. While Tina Tannen Tweez continues to deny culpability, Roman harbors no ill feelings and made a triumphant return to the Crabapple Community Theater this afternoon to give a rousing performance. And with very little pun, Crabapple took this one on the chin. Here now, Roman with the Crabapple Community Volunteer Orchestra covering the Beatles. Let It Be.

[Roman Rakhmonovok]

When I find myself in tribes of tribal modern airy comes to me Speaking words of wisdom Let it be.

[Brian Green]

Until.

[Roman Rakhmonovok]

My heart in the darkness he stands right and followed me Speaking friends of breath Let it be let it be Let us be Let us be, let us be Whisperance of wisdom Let it be and when the night is cloudy let us see the light and shine under me shine until tomorrow Let us be Here I wake up to this house of music more than ever. Welcome to.

[Narrator]

He may not be able to smell what you're cooking or put on a helmet properly, but on behalf of the township of Crabapple, let me be the first to say, post ravinia.

[Brian Green]

On this episode of the Commercial Break. If there was a secret that you could use some magic fire. And on occasion, I will admit, on.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Occasion, a hack works on occasion.

[Brian Green]

And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Exactly. Like how to clean the microwave out.

[Brian Green]

With steam in like some weird tribal writing in a cave. It's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's so true.

[Brian Green]

Like lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yeah, okay. Noemi taught us that one. And we're still surprised that vinegar's cleaning the house.

[Narrator]

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah. Guys and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you Chris and best to you Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this, the commercial prayer, the.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Only one you're gonna need.

[Brian Green]

Only one you'll ever need. Five minutes or less. Raw dog.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I like that little finger movement. You did too.

[Brian Green]

You like that when I kind of swooped in. You have to check that on YouTube.com TheCommercialBreak hey, that guy who does Dr. Phil, is it Ryan Long who does Dr. Phil? Do you know who I'm talking about? The comedian who does the Dr. Phil live show. Have you seen this? I think we've talked about it briefly on the show. There's another podcaster and comedian, I think his name is Ryan Long, and he does, like, he gets a bald cap on, he dresses up like Dr. Phil, and he does a whole live show called Dr. Phil Live.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Green]

Where he goes up and he pretends he's Dr. Phil. He talks to celebrities, he interacts with the audience. It's really funny. But my impression is better. That's all I gotta say. Okay, you want to do it? You want to do a fill off? We'll do a fill off. I can do a fill off. This is going to be a changing day in your life, I'm telling you right now. Grass greener on the other side, isn't it? Dr. Phil has found his way into controversy and infamy. He has been quite the nidnik as of late, running around, running around. What happened to the Dr. Phil show? Couldn't he continue to do that? That was okay. My mom liked it. My mom was in it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, it might have run its course, but for him to jump straight into.

[Brian Green]

Ice, like, wait, what are you doing?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Catching people.

[Brian Green]

Catching people near the border. Make sure everything's going okay. Oh, really? Okay. All right. Dr. Phil. Yeah, it's. This is the part that really kind of gets me, and I don't want to go. I'm not going to go off on a tangent. So just keep. Stay tuned. Don't press pause just yet. Not going to go off on a tangent. I'm just going to say this and this will be. Surprises me and it infuriates me at times how content creators and other celebrities are just jumping over themselves to lick the balls of, you know, political figures that otherwise we would have just had a kind of a healthy distrust of like a. A little bit of, I don't know, like a little bit of. Hmm. I don't think I trust that guy because he's a politician. But now everybody's, like, licking the balls as quick as they can. And I get it, because you don't certainly don't want to be on the bad side of a certain political party that may or may not exact revenge upon you. But then at the same time, like, shouldn't we have, like, a little healthy disdain for our politicians and our higher ups and our government? Doesn't matter who's in power on both sides. They're all going to fuck you. And so you might as well have a, you know, just keep one eye open when you're dealing with these people. And to just run to get in the middle of the fray, in the fracas so that you can take it, you know?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, I mean, he had plenty of money, I'm sure.

[Brian Green]

Why did he, Dr. Phil?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Why did I need to get back out there? Go enjoy. He was yourself on an island.

[Brian Green]

Him and Judge Judy were the number one syndicated talk shows, television shows in daytime tv. And daytime TV pays a shitload of money because it gets syndicated all over the place. And they throw those, I don't know, Tide commercials in there, and everybody loves it. General Mills and Tide, they all spend their money in the afternoon. And that's big money. You can make a Dr. Phil show probably for 50,000 if you have the set, you know, ready. You could probably make it without Phil's salary. You could probably make it for 50,000 bucks.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oprah said anyways, right?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it was Oprah. He was doing it. Oprah. Thanks, Oprah. See, even Oprah, you should have a healthy disdain and distrust for now. I like Oprah. I don't know her, but I can't say too. I like Oprah because my mom liked Oprah and oh, I love Oprah. I love Oprah because my mom, ballsy a woman as she is, decided to do the following. Let me tell you the story. It is. There is a famous period of time with the Oprah Winfrey show when Oprah was everything. Oprah was everything in the 90s, everything. And they used to run these commercials. And here was the tagline. It was like a promo commercial for Oprah. And they'd be showing clips of her show and there'd be a little diddy in the background. And that did. He was, Oprah's on, gotta make it. Cause Oprah's on, Oprah's on, gotta make it. Cause Oprah's on, Right? So the thing was, everybody was saying, oh, Oprah's on. We gotta go watch Oprah. So my mom picked us up from school one time, three o'. Clock. That carpool was no joke. Sometimes you get stuck there till 3:15, 3:30, just waiting for your Kids, to get to your car was a totally of a process, like it is now with my kids. It's like, holy, this is so inefficient. Why do we do it this way? But anyway, that's not for me to decide. That's for me to suffer through. I'm not going to decide things, I'm going to suffer through. So my mom picks us up, swear to God, driving through my neighborhood. And there are a number of stop signs, but we're in this neighborhood that no cop has ever visited for any reason besides maybe some drama that happened inside the neighborhood. Cops don't sit there and clock people. It's a neighborhood, like a private neighborhood. Well, my mom blows through a stop sign, and when the cop pulls her over, my mom is so agitated that she tells the police officer, can you hurry up? Oprah's on. Oprah's on. My mom had to make it to see Oprah. She's willing to kill her kids.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Did he speed things up?

[Brian Green]

He did not speed things up. In fact, I think he slowed them down, yes, because that's the way it works. It's not a great excuse, but my mom had been watching Oprah since we were kids in Chicago when she had a non syndicated show when it was just broadcast locally. And it was a different type of show back then. But my. I just remember my mom would cry at the Oprah show. She would laugh at the Oprah. It was like Oprah was her best friend. And so for me, as a little child, as a toddler and a little kid, watching this Auntie Oprah, she was what? Auntie, Auntie Oprah. That's. That's what it felt like. Yes. It felt like I had an extra aunt and her name was Oprah and Oprah was omnipresent in our lives and whatever Oprah said went. So I have an affinity for Oprah. It doesn't mean that, you know, Oprah's done all the wonderful, most wonderful things in the world, including hoarding land in Hawaii. But, okay, let's get past that. She dropped the holy shit bomb on us twice. Not once, but twice with Dr. Phil and then Dr. Oz. God damn it. Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, Oprah, really.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Dr. Phil, well, they morphed into people that were not who they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning, I think.

[Brian Green]

And I didn't see the Oprah Winfrey Network running from that. Do you know what I'm saying? They collected that cash. That's what. That's all I gotta say. I didn't see her running from that Dr. Phil. Listen at first. Dr. Phil.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah. Straight talk.

[Brian Green]

Straight talk. Dr. Phil, you know, my husband's cheating on my wife's cheating on my uncle, cheating on my brother. And he'd be like, this is going to be a changed day in your life. Do you think you should be sticking your dick in your mother? No. That's right. You shouldn't be sticking your dick in your mother. Let's, let's. Let's talk turkey here, guys and girls. We shouldn't be sticking dicks in our mothers. You understand? You agree with me and everybody be like, oh, finally, someone said it. You shouldn't have sex with your mother. And it was Dr. Phil. And we were all like, Dr. Phil. It was straight talk when it's needed. That's right. But then it turned into like, catch me outside, girl. Like, you know what? I was like, catch me outside. He was doing. He was. It was straight up.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

As we know, content is hard to consistently keep up with. And I think, you know, they all kind of turn the way of the. Of the crazy Jerry Springer show.

[Brian Green]

That's right. They devolve. And if you've watched the Jerry Springer Netflix documentary, which is very good, by the way, and you'll see how quickly that happened because guess what? That's where the ratings are. We love a train wreck. And to me, Dr. Phil, toward the end, a lot of it was just like poverty porn, if I'm being honest. It was just bringing on a lot of people who didn't have a lot of money, were in tough situations that probably anybody any of us could find ourselves in, but they happen to be in it. And then exploiting that situation for ratings, sometimes in three or four episodes. But Ryan Long does a pretty funny Dr. Phil.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I will say that back to the.

[Brian Green]

Back to Ryan Long. Be funny. Hurry up. Be funny. Hurry up and be funny. I'll tell you what's not funny, Chrissy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, puke.

[Brian Green]

Puke is not funny. I don't find puke to be funny. I hate puke.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Who loves it?

[Brian Green]

Well, I mean, I don't think there's any. I don't know. There's got. There are puke lovers out there. There is a. There is a sexual fetish.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Yes. I'm not even kidding. Not even joking.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I cannot believe you put that in my mind.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, hey, listen, I'm not putting it in your vagina. I'm just putting it in your mind. There's a sexual fetish out there for people who puke. They like to Be puked on. That's a thing. I don't know. I know. Absolutely horrid. We all went to school and every school had that bag of orange flavored sawdust that they would throw on puke that did nothing but make the puke smell like orange flavored puke. Yeah, that's it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

A whiff of that.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah, I still smell it to this day. As a matter of fact, I went into my kids school the other day and there was a pile of that orange present. Yeah, they still use the same shit to suck up the puke.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Can't they use Oxiclean or something?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Isn't there like something like a puke machine? Don't they have like a puke robot that comes and like, you know, I will now clean up your puke, you know, or something. There should be.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We need to invent that.

[Brian Green]

Boston Dynamics needs to invent. Screw all that soldier bullshit. Invent a robot that goes and cleans up puke on your behalf without making it smell like orange deodorant. Puke.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Do you know there's gotta be somehow, you know, like a carpet, like the Bissell steam, you know, green. Green thing that you can use. There's gotta be something. And it just like combine a Roomba and a steam cleaner.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It's got a big mouth on the bottom of it, like a fish mouth. And it just. Yeah, it just sucks up the puke. It puts it in a bag, like a sanitary bag and then it drives it to a far off location and puts it on a rocket and sends it to outer space. Yeah, it explodes. That's right. Because puke and shit. I mean, if you know me, if you listen to the show, then you will know that I just have a real problem with pee, pee, poo poo and puke. It's like bodily fluids are not my thing at all.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And then you had 30 kids and.

[Brian Green]

Then I had 30 kids. And now they're all. It's coming out of every direction. It really is. It was a couple years ago when two of my kids got sick at the exact same moment. And Astrid happened to be out with her friends that night and they got sick at the exact same moment. One sat up out of bed, like shot up like something out of the Exorcist and just started projectile vomiting. And then when the. Then the other one who was in the same bed rolled over and started vomiting over the side of the bed within seconds of each other. It was insane. And so here I am carrying both kids running into the bathroom disrobing them, putting them in the shower. Well, that was a couple of years ago. And then we had the projectile vomiting incident on the way home from my dad's house one time where the entire car was full of puke. I mean, my kid could not stop throwing up. And it was projectile and it was gross. Well, the other night, as I do, Chrissy, I was taking my third shower of the day. That's my wrap up shower, my wrap up shower for the night and try and relieve some of my high blood pressure. I stand in the shower for 30 to 40 minutes, catching up on whatever television I haven't had an opportunity to watch yet. So I'm taking a shower. It's 11 o', clock, 11:30 at night, and the door is closed, the door to my bedroom, the. The bathroom is closed. And I hear the most ungodly bang, like boom. Just a crashing sound. And I was, holy, what was that? Because everybody was asleep. And then as soon as I scream, what was that? Astrid comes popping through the door like a fucking Kool Aid man, you know. Crashing through the door?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

With one of my youngest kids holding her, facing forward, arms outstretched. And all I can see is just puke just pouring out of this child's mouth. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's on the glass of the shower, it's splashing on the floor. And I say, give her to me, give her to me. Why I said that? I have no idea. But I just thought I was trying to be helpful. Yeah, I didn't think she would actually do it. She gives her to me fully clothed. I'm in the shower, completely naked. And now I've got this kid that's puking all over the place in my hands, fully clothed now, sopping wet. So I undress her real quick in the shower. I put the clothes off to the side in the shower and I throw her up over the top of my shoulder. And I'm just like rocking her back and forth, like, oh, it's okay, it's okay. You know, and she's crying and she's upset because this is like one of the first times I think she's actually puked as a toddler.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And the warm water's running on top of us. I mean, the warm water will calm her down. And then I can just feel it, Chrissy. I can just feel the warm, silky smooth flavors of macaroni and cheese and birthday cake running down the back of my body. And I look over my shoulder and she's just like all over my back. It's just dripping into the shower. I'm in a mess now and I don't know what to do. How will I get out? What will I do? Do I throw the child over the shower glass and hope that they land on their feet? Do I scream like I'm this is now a choose your own adventure in my mind. Do I call Astrid and beg her to take this puking baby out of my hands? Or do I just man up, let her puke on me, clean her up when she gets done and hope that everything turns out okay? Well, I would have yelled to Astrid, but Astrid was cleaning the puke from the bed. Like, you know, waking all the kids up and taking them off the beds and, you know, cleaning the puke.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Sure thing.

[Brian Green]

She had puked all throughout the whole bedroom. It was just. It was disgusting. It was awful. The worst part about it was it had that smell. You know, sometimes you puke and it's got a smell, but it's not that bad. And then sometimes you puke and it smells like it's been ruminating for a couple of days. Do you know what I'm saying? That distinct throw up smell. And this was that. And this was that. It was. So now I'm full of it. She's full of it. The clothes are in the corner. There's puke all over the shower floor. What do I do? Well, I just decided to man up and let it happen.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, you have to.

[Brian Green]

Okay. You know, you can't get.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You can't risk getting another area of the bathroom pukey.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's the thing is that as well.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Just let it all happen in the one place. And you're in the shower and I'm in the shower. So it's running down.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's running down into the drain, which.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Clean that up later.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, clean up later. Well, I unscrewed the drain and I just like, you know, let it wash down. Listen, whatever. It's going to the same place, right? It's going to the same place as the toilet water. What do I give a shit at the end of the day? And it wasn't. My kid is small, relatively, so it wasn't like huge, huge volumes of throw up. It wasn't like I just had 13 Bud lights and threw up all over the floor. So I just let it happen. And then I rock her in my arms for like 20 minutes while Astrid is cleaning up the thing. I mean, the shower is just going and I'm there with the thought that someone has just thrown up on me. And I'm in the shower and I can't tell you the pins and needles running up and down my back and my arm, you know that like feeling like, oh, get it off me, get it off me. And I know it's off me because I've been sitting in the shower for 20 minutes. But I can't get rid of the thought that someone had thrown up on me.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, it's not a stranger. It's your child.

[Brian Green]

She's a stranger when she's throwing up. That's not my child. That's some demon child. That's some demon animal that's throwing fire out of her mouth. She might as well be a boat. Like a, like a live Eboli virus as far as I'm concerned. It was disgusting. And that was my thought too, is like, what if she has a virus? You know that awful 24 hour stomach bug that you get and it just like you where your body both had.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That six months ago or so at different times and in different households.

[Brian Green]

It feels like August or October of last year, like sometime in the late summertime.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I was surprised. I mean, you rarely as an adult get that.

[Brian Green]

Rarely.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You know, but when it is just, ugh, I hate to throw up. I hate it to begin with.

[Brian Green]

And then when it's uncontrollable, uncontrollable, and.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You'Re just, oh, you're laying down and then getting back up and laying down.

[Brian Green]

Getting back up when you are being.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Like there's nothing left.

[Brian Green]

There's. There wasn't anything left. But I, yeah, I continued to go. Yeah, I continued to go and wretch. And that's the worst part. Yeah. Is I'd almost rather have something in there than wretch that bile that green. Yeah. But luckily this was not that, so to speak. This was, I think, a combination of foods. Like we went to a birthday party. There was ice cream and cake and cookies and Doritos.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Birthday party.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And you just let them do it running, running, jumping, bouncing. Oh, it was at a, it was at a trampoline park too. So there you go, bouncing up and down. And of course dad's always spinning the kids around for some reason, you know, throwing them on the bed. And that's my type of play with them. I just pick them up and throw them on the bed. Hey, there you go.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It is fun.

[Brian Green]

But that, that. So this was not a virus related thing. I think it was just a tummy ache type of thing. But man, I'll tell you What? I. And I am so glad it wasn't because all I could think about laying down that night was please don't wake up in the middle of the night like I did six months ago. Yes, that was the time the kids. The kid, one of our children was puking in the car. And it. Oh, it was July because it was one of my kids birthdays. And the next birthday was just a couple of days later. And we missed any activities for that birthday. Yes, because we were so incredibly sick. Astrid and I got it almost within 12 hours of each other. And we were both hugging the porcelain. I mean, just like, like begging for mercy. And the kids wouldn't like. And then the kids got better and Astor and I were still sick.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I remember that. You're like terror court.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. I was like, go to McDonald's. Buy all the happy meals you can get the. Buy the movies. I even. I don't care how little money we have. Just send them to Six Flags. Get a babysitter, put them on a bus, Send them to Mar down Marta to the big. Send them to the airport and back. I don't care. It doesn't matter. You all reasoning goes, when you're that sick, you don't give a shit. You just want your children to leave you the fuck alone. Please. Please. But no. There's no rest for the wicked. Those kids don't stop. As a matter of fact, the worse off you are, the more irritating they get. Because they understand. They have an inherent sixth sense. They know you're sick and they won't leave you alone.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's like being on the phone too.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You know you've got an important phone call, Daddy.

[Brian Green]

The one time as a parent I've been hungover was the worst parenting day ever. Not only because I was hungover, but because they knew it. They had an instinct like the cat. They have like cat like reflexes. And they jump on you and they pounce and they're like, hey, Daddy. And you're like, my brain's about to bleed. Oh, really? Peppa Pig is on. Can I turn on Peppa Pig in volume 50? Yeah, sure. Okay, no problem. I guess. Yeah. It's 6:15 in the morning. Time to wake up. Daddy just got home at three. I know. Welcome to parenthood, Daddy. Oh, excuse me while I vomit on you. Oh, it was terrible.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Maybe there needs to be like one of those children's shows that's educational and you know, where they mimic hungover parents and what to do, what the child should be doing, which is Be very quiet.

[Brian Green]

Be very quiet.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You know, make up a little song. A little Parents Are Hungover song.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Is Bluey. Is Bluey gonna. Bluey gonna do an episode on Hungover Mommy and Daddy?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, they should.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. When in that movie. We need to put a. A section of that movie dedicated to hungover. They haven't dealt with hungover yet, but I could see Bluey and Bandit doing this really well. And you're right about this. Sesame street needs to do an episode on Mommy and Daddy being hungover.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes. Or sick.

[Brian Green]

Or sick.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. Either way, same thing. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So the mommy daddy can get back to drinking. Listen, I have lots of. I have one friend in particular who did this the entirety of growing. Raising his children, but he had a wife that always took care of the children. Do you know what I'm saying? He always had an out. He had a card. He would always say, I got to go to work, baby. I got to brainstorm about my work. I gotta. I gotta do a brainstorming sesh. Which meant five days worth of cocaine and two bottles of whiskey an hour and cigarettes and all kind of things. And he would always call me and he'd be like, bro, I gotta do a brainstorming sesh. And one time I caught him out on my porch at like 5:30 in the morning. Sun's just coming right up, and he's out there on his computer, cigarettes, like five cigarettes in his mouth. You know, lines cut on a mirror. I solved the key. I solved the key to all the things that I needed. And then he slept for two days, Right? He slept for two days. Well, that's how it works. All right, I got lots more to talk about. Out. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library audio and video, just in case you want to look at [e-mail] Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll Be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text.

[Brian Green]

We'll respond.

[Rachel]

Now, I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the Commercial break.

[Brian Green]

All right, and we're back. You know, Chrissy, I'm always looking out for the listener. I'm always thinking about the listener. I like to think that I'm selflessly thinking about the listener as I'm trolling around bikini pictures and making sure that the world of Instagram is nippleless. But sometimes I come across a trend that I think is important for some of our listeners to know. And, you know, I think we have a few single listeners out there I hear from. Every once in a while, I get a text message or an email, and just by the nature of the email, you can tell that they're single or they should be single.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Or there's a.

[Brian Green]

Reason there's there or there's a reason they're single. There's a trend on TikTok and Instagram going on right now. There's a girl who has taught everybody something called the sticky eyes. Have you heard about the sticky eyes?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I have not.

[Brian Green]

Okay, let me. Let me. Let her explain in her own words. How's that? That I'm going to put this up to the microphone because we don't have somebody to play this for, so. Okay, wait, hold on one second.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Sticky Eyes.

[Brian Green]

Sticky eyes. Okay, here we go.

[TikTok Girl]

One of my most powerful hacks. This is how to get anyone to come up to you in a bar or in a social setting. This is called Sticky Eyes. I invented this in college. It is so powerful that usually while I'm demonstrating to someone how to do it, I end up just doing it, and I'm not even giving it my all.

[Brian Green]

First of all, this girl. There's no humility with this girl. I mean, she is. I invented this.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I invented it.

[Brian Green]

You invented eyes? Did you invent eyes? Let's see what she has to say.

[TikTok Girl]

I'm gonna tell you how the hack works, and then I'm gonna tell you why it works, okay? It's a simple formula. You pick your target, you stare at them until they look back at you. Once you make eye contact, you look away like you've been caught. Okay? Now here is the next very important part. The next time that you look at them, and they meet your eyes again, don't look away. Let them break first because they're going to check to see if you were you really looking at me. And the second look will confirm that you were. And this time, you're gonna have to hold it uncomfortably, uncomfortably long. They have to look away first for this to work. Once they look away, you never look at them again. And in about 45 seconds, they will be right in front of you as if they have been summoned psychically.

[Brian Green]

Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has ever said.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I feel like that's a take on whoever we were listening to that said just go up and stare at them.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Just like, cornered them.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Put an arm up so they can't get away. I mean, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Stare at them uncomfortably long and they'll come right to you. With a police officer maybe. I mean, how many restraining orders do you have, young lady? This is weird. You don't just stare at somebody uncomfortably long. That is a weird notion that that would work.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It was a two part. It was a two pronged approach.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You first look away.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. Stare at them until they look at you, then quickly look away, then look at you. And then when they look back, then that's when you just stare. And then wait. It was actually a three pronged approach. Right.

[Brian Green]

Because then they will come right to you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No. Well, then you look away, and then you never look again.

[Brian Green]

Don't ever look again. Throughout the entire relationship. Look down at your feet. So I noticed you staring at me. Nope, my shoes. Those are my feet. What the. Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What? Okay, so how is that even supposed to work? Then they just come up to you and say, doesn't work.

[Brian Green]

This girl, for some reason thinks she's got some magic because she stared at a guy and he came to her. Yeah. Okay. Guys are pretty dumb in general. You know what I'm saying? You give a guy any. Yeah, she's a pretty girl. I mean, she's attractive. You give. If you have that girl staring at you and you're at a bar and you're single.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Of course you're gonna come hither. I mean, that's it. That's. That's the thing. Guys aren't. This is the thing. Ladies. Guys are really not a riddle. We're not a mystery. In case you haven't figured it out yet. We're pretty open as. As far as books are concerned. We're pretty open books if you give us any amount of positive attention or Negative attention. It's likely we're going to come hither like a puppy dog if we're single, because that's. That's just what we do. We don't. There's no magic to that. You could just go up to a guy and say, I think you're attractive. Come have a drink with me. And if a guy has half a head on his shoulders and he's single and available or in a relationship that's, you know, ethically non monogamous or whatever you're calling it these days, then of course he's gonna come hang out with you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Do you know how many times this same trick has worked on me? None. You want to know why I didn't give a girl a chance to have the second stare? After the first stare, I was buying her a drink. That was it. Yeah. Look at me once. I was literally scanning the bar for anyone to look at me. And if you looked at me, you got a free Bud Light. That's what happened. You play the odds. You send over Bud Light no matter what. Just Bud Light, Bud Light, Bud Light. And if you don't like Bud Light, you're not for me. Then move on to the next one. That's it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I saw you in action. I saw this happen.

[Brian Green]

Was I in action? Boy, I would stare at the ladies.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It was usually the bartender.

[Brian Green]

It was usually the bartender who was uncomfortable, who'd asked to change shifts. She'd be texting somebody. She'd be like, can you cover my shift? Shift. Brian's back. The guy who stares. Yeah, yeah, the guy who stares. This is not a good idea. I don't know why this is so complicated. Be yourself. Do your thing. Don't be a fucking creep ball. Don't be staring at people endlessly until you try and make that, like, zoom them in with your magical powers. Just go and have a conversation with somebody. And if it. If it works, if there's magic, you'll know it. And if there's no magic, you'll know that too. And if there's magic that you're feeling and she's not or he's not, well, you'll figure that one out eventually. That one will come to you eventually.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, you know, everybody's looking for a hack quote unquote, too. And that's a lot. I see a lot of this.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Could be anything. Cleaning hack, cooking hack, dating hack. We've hacked it.

[Brian Green]

We've had shortcut, We've done it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's the. The. Most of the time, it's there's no hack.

[Brian Green]

It's not a hack. There's no hack. Yeah, I've seen all the cooking and cleaning hacks, you know. You know, how do you clean a dead body out of your basement? Doesn't work. Tried it. How do you make a million dollars? Podcasting. Tried it. Doesn't work. Money hack. Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Investing hack.

[Brian Green]

Investment hacks. Listen, if there was a secret that you could use some magic power. And on occasion, I will admit. On occasion.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

A hack works on occasion.

[Brian Green]

And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when. Exactly.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Like how to clean the microwave out.

[Brian Green]

With steam in, like, some weird tribal writing in a cave. It's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's so true.

[Brian Green]

Like, lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yeah, okay. Noemi taught us that one. And we're still surprised that vinegar's cleaning the house better than any, you know, industrial lubricant cleaning solution we've ever used. Here's the reality, and I think this is. You know, I had an idea for a segment that we could do that named we did it so you don't have to.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Like, take a life hack, do it here, see if it works, and then we'll all really do the test. If I have been fooled once by the Rubik's Cube hack videos, I've been fooled a million times by them. Do you know these videos that go around, you can solve any Rubik's Cube by twisting it three times this way, four times that way, seven times this way. Chrissy, I've spent hours in that kitchen dissecting those videos. I must be doing something wrong. I must be doing something wrong. And then I go to the comments section and it's like, yeah, that works. If you take an already completed Rubik's Cube and do that in reverse and start there.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So every one of them is fake. Every one of them is a lie. There is no hack for the Rubik's Cube. You just. I mean, there are tricks to get it done quicker, but you just have to know how to solve a Rubik's Cube, which, unfortunately, my pea brain wasn't able to do in my best of years. It's not going to be able to do in my worst of years. Okay, I'm on the downslide. I'm not going to be able to complete a Rubik's Cube. I don't care. I'm throwing it out. There's no hack to finding love. There is no hack to relationships. It's about meeting someone with mutual respect, trust and admiration. And trying your best on a daily basis to keep it par. To keep that par. Trust, respect, admiration. That's it. That's. That's the hack. The hack is be a fucking good partner. If you're a good partner, you'll have a good partner. It really is pretty simple. I've tried all the relationship hacks. Dating people who are a little off kilter because they're really good in bed. But you'll make it work. Don't worry about it. No, doesn't work. Date your best friend. No, doesn't work. I don't know. Pay for sex. Still didn't work. I paid for it and I didn't get it. I paid for it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Two girls with the. You know, the. The menageri trois that you were in, they kicked you out.

[Brian Green]

They kicked me out of the bedroom. I was the only one left without an orgasm, and I had no involvement in the other orgasms. So there you go. Wasn't fun. Okay. There's no magic secret. There's no hack to relationships.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. Communication.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Respect, Love, trust, admiration.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. All those things that you hear about that are so hard to do.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's the hack.

[Brian Green]

That's the hack. Do the hard work. You gotta get it right. Yes. Listen, Astrid and I, as of yesterday, have known each other face to face. The first time we met face to face, 10 years ago.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, congratulations.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, thank you very much. So We've been over 10 years talking to each other, and people will ask. When I say people, I mean dignitaries and presidents around the world, prime ministers. They will ask Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil. How do you do it, Brian? How do you. How do you have a relationship with so little friction? Well, first of all, be a podcaster who spends most of his time, let me tell you, Let me like, Funny side note, at the beginning of this podcast, if you listen to it, you will be reminded that Brian would often come in and say, I think I'm one step from divorce because I'm spending so much time on the podcast. Last night, Astrid encouraged me to spend more time with the podcast.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Don't you have some work to do?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, she's like, oh, we can get rid of that. We don't need that. You can do the work. Right? And I'm like, that means more time in the studio. It'll be okay for a period. I like my shows by myself. I know.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I have to say I'm on Astrid's page because, you know, Jeff works long hours. He does work from home, you know, so A lot of times he's gone to Memphis, but he works from home a lot. And I have morphed. I used to get so upset, like, well, what about, let's eat. It's time. I've cooked this dinner. It's time to eat. I want to watch the show, blah, blah, blah. Now I am like, just do your thing.

[Brian Green]

Just do your thing. I like it by myself.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, I want to watch Love is Blind and, you know, call you when dinner's ready. And you can eat or not.

[Brian Green]

Yes, I'm eating.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Whether you're not, whether you're ready or.

[Brian Green]

Not, whether you want to eat or not.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You can go back to work after that.

[Brian Green]

Feel free.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

In fact, I get another episode of Love is Blind.

[Brian Green]

There you go. See, here's the thing that I've learned about relationships. The ebb and flow. Like every other thing, right? Like friendships. Every relationship in life, business, friendship, whatever, there's usually some kind of ebb and flow. At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other. And then you learn that, I've had enough of you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes, it's okay.

[Brian Green]

Then you learn, I've, in fact, had enough of you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I've gotten. Fight it, you know, rather than, hey, and you know what? The work that you're doing on the podcast is good for the whole family. Same with Jeff.

[Brian Green]

That's it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And it makes him happy. Makes you happy. The work that you're doing. And then that's what you want for your partner.

[Brian Green]

So if it makes me happy, but it's. It gives me purpose, let's put it that way. We laugh. We do laugh. That's it. And. And so relationship, you know, how do you make a relationship last for 10 years? I can count on the. On one hand, the amount of blowouts that Astrid and I have had. And those blowouts were compared to some other relationships I have. Those were like a conversation on a Tuesday afternoon. That was a good day for some of the relationships that I had, because the blowouts last very little time. Because we have a mutual respect and trust and admiration for each other. And we know. We just. We kind of understand how each other.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Tics throw a little dash of humor into it, too.

[Brian Green]

That's it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Laugh at yourself.

[Brian Green]

Laugh at yourself.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Laugh at them.

[Brian Green]

Laugh at your small penis and your inability to give the other person an orgasm. Laugh at that stuff. That's funny to you. That's funny. That's funny, babe, look, it's been 10 years. No orgasms. Isn't that funny? Call Guinness Book of World. Call the Guinness Book of world records. 10 year relationship, zero orgasms. We'll get there. We're working on it, babe. We're working on it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's a marathon.

[Brian Green]

To which she says, I'll be the bedroom. Go back to your studio. I'll be working on my orgasm while you work on your. Whatever that is you're doing in there. Listen, this is not complicated. Sticky Eyes doesn't work because it worked for this young girl who is attractive and probably at a bar in college. Yeah, at a bar in college. Come on. The bar in college. You could literally. I mean, I hate to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it because, you know, why not? Have I told every story? When Chrissy and I worked at Clear Channel, there was a guy that sat in the office next to me and he was a huge Clemson fan because he went to Clemson. Clemson, Clemson, Clemson. Everything's about Clemson, Clemson. Chrissy, you see the Clemson game, I.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Want to say his name so bad.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I want to say his name because it's a. If I said the name and then I did the voice, it would make perfect sense. But he was married, he had kids. He just sounded funny. Right? We loved him. He was a great guy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

He was, yeah.

[Brian Green]

But he'd be like, hey, Brian, you ever been to a Clemson game? And I'd be like, a Clemson game? Now I've been to a Clemson game. I very rarely stepped foot on a college campus, if I'm being honest. And he'd be like, gotta take it. A Clemson game. You love a Clemson game. The Clemson games are so much fun. And so after a year of haggling me and after a divorce and, you know, being beat up at Clear Channel every day, seven days a week, forever, your projections are up, Your projections are down. How many projections do you have? Give me more projections. You know, meetings every morning at 7 in the morning. You know, I finally. I relented. I said, well, you know, because he kept on saying, you gotta come to Clemson game. I take the kids. And we set up the thing and we got a nice place and you love it. It's Clemson. And I'm like, oh, it's a beautiful campus. And there's a party and I got my own spot and I paid for it and it's over near campus. And I'm like, I don't know what anything you're talking about. And it doesn't sound like a ton of fun to go to a Clemson game. With your family. He had two young kids at the.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I didn't have any tailgating, do all.

[Brian Green]

That tailgating, the whole thing. But I like the guy. He's a friend of mine and he, and he was good to me and I think I was a friend to him. And so after a year of the non stop talk about Clemson, I said, all right, I'll go to a Clint. Well, you gotta go to homecoming with me. Homecoming is gonna be so much fun. And I was like, okay. He's like, I don't have a ticket for you, but you can jump over the turnstile. And I'm like, jump over the turnstile? What am I, 12? I'm gonna jump over the turnstile? Am I a hooligan looking to get in a Real Madrid match like this? What am I doing here, right? So Saturday afternoon show arrives. He's gonna, I'm gonna meet him at his house and we're gonna all drive over to Clemson, which is like a two hour drive from Atlanta. And this is all going to make sense when I tell you the rest of the story after the break. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Let me do something Brian has never done.

[Brian Green]

Be brief.

[Rachel]

Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us 212-4333, tcb. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, video and your free sticker. Then watch all the [e-mail] thecommercial break and finally share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters See, Brian, that really wasn't that difficult now was it? You're welcome.

[Brian Green]

Okay. Chrissy and I were talking about a trend on a reel that's trending on Instagram and TikTok. A hack how to get someone to come hither at a college bar by staring at them until they get uncomfortable and finally come your way and approach you with a security officer. We were talking about that and we were explaining, you know, how that's probably not the solution for a relationship. And then Chrissy said, plus, at a college bar. I mean, yeah, a college bar where everybody is smashed and looking for a one night stand. Basically. Not everybody, but most people. I mean, we've all been to a college bar. We know what happens at a college bar. Everybody gets drunk and laid. That's what happens at a college bar. So I was explaining that in my 30s, I have, in my early 30s I have this guy who, who's working at the office next to me. And he is gone to Clemson. He's a Clemson guy. He's got a, he's got, got. He. He's got a Clemson tailgate spot that he pays for every year. Season tickets. He's been begging me to go to a game for over a year. So finally I say yes. I show up at his house. He's already pregaming it. Wife's gonna be. Wife's pregnant, by the way. She's gonna be driving the car. Two small kids already. We're going into like a minivan or something. And I'm like, yeah. And so I, I just cracked the Bud Lights immediately. Like this game, by the way, is at 3:00pm so we're like, it's like 11:00 clock in the morning. We're heading out out there and. And he's like, this is gonna be the greatest thing ever. You never seen a Clamson game? Clampson's gonna, you're gonna love it. It's awesome. And I'm like, okay, great. We're going to Clemson game. We get there, two hour drive. We have roadies, you know, we're like, drink. The kids are in the car and we're like pouring Bud Lights into these plastic cups and drinking on the way to the Clemson game. And I swear to God, Clemson flags. The entire way up there. Everybody's doing the same thing. Everyone's heading to Clemson. It's like a big exodus from Atlanta to Clems. Clemson. And we go and we park in the trees right under the. In the shadow of the stadium. You know, it's. It's pretty impressive, right? I've never been to a college football game at that point in my life. Never. So I'm, I'm, you know, okay, I'm getting excited. I'm like, all right. So he pops open the back and there's a bunch of people that are parked around us in this plot of grass. And everybody knows everybody. Hi. What you doing? Hey, hey, hey. Clamps and words. Clamps and homecoming. Homecoming Clamps. Clemson, you know, Clemson, Clemson, Clemson. And everybody's dressed in that damn orange. And there's sun visors and sunglasses hanging around their neck. You know, the typical Clemson wear. Well, across the way, across the street is sorority and fraternity Row. The Row and I mean one long street. So mainly sorority houses on this end of the street where we are. And then at the end of that street, gas station, couple of bars. So before the game, I am out of cigarettes right before the game and I'm like, okay, and he goes, well, you just gotta run down the gas station down there at the corner, which is like a quarter of a mile. So I go, I cross the street, I'm walking in front of these sorority houses. Party and every. Party everywhere, right? Party everywhere. So I've got a roadie in my hands. I. I'm now like six, seven Bud lights in. And I don't really make it to the gas station in the most direct way. I kind of walk through the grass, I pick up a, you know, I get, I pour myself a beer from the gang. I'm just enjoying myself. I'm walking in, I'm talking to people.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

College? Yeah, I'm getting experience.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I didn't go to college, so now I'm getting the college experience. Hanging out with the sorority and fraternity guys. And by the way, I wasn't the only 30 year old doing that. There was like lots of people just like partying everywhere.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Especially if it's homecoming, there's a bunch of alumni coming back for the that.

[Brian Green]

So there were two bars at the end of the street, like the strip mall. It was a Mexican restaurant that was a bar. And then it was like a bar bar and then a gas station. So I walk in the front door of the Mexican restaurant, I order a Bud Light. There are a ton of kids in this place, just all drinking, male, female, everything. And there is a young lady sitting at the bar when I ordered the drink, and she's staring at me and I'm like, hey, whatcha doing? And she's like, she's like getting ready for homecoming. This is crazy, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, you are handsome. And I was like, oh, well, thank you. And she's like, meet me here after the game. That's what she says to me. And I take that Bud Light and I pound it, knowing that I gotta get back and jump the turnstile. Cause I don't have a ticket, right? And I don't think much of it. I have no idea how old this girl is. I'm guessing in her 20s, you know, like mid-20s, but I don't really know. I mean, they don't ask for an id, right? She looks, looks adult, but she doesn't look like, you know, she's not 40. And I go and I grab my cigarettes and I go back and so now I have to jump the turnstile of the, the Clemson thing. This guy, you know what he did? He's like, I'm gonna take the ticket and then I'm gonna Get the ticket stub. Because they only check the ticket stubs. And then you run to the opposite side of the stadium, and then I'm gonna give you the ticket stub. Cause I'm uncomfortable about actually jumping. I'm like, I'm an adult. Why don't I just buy a ticket? He's like, there ain't no more tickets left. It's Clampson. And I'm like, okay, I don't fucking know. By the way, this is long before Clemson was good at football. Like, good at football. This last time, they were good at football. They weren't that good at this point. At this point in time. But I'm like, I don't want to just join the. Like, it's. It's a big area. You walk into these gates, and then there are ticket takers, right? But if you're sneaky enough, you can kind of like sneak in behind someone and just head for the hills, right? Just dart, I guess. I don't know. But I'm not a ticket jumper. Like, that's not what I'm going to do. So he's trying to explain to me how he's gonna throw me the ticket stub from the balcony and then I'm gonna catch it in the trees, and then I'm gonna walk back in and say I left. And whatever. I'm like, no, okay, fine, I'll jump the turnstile. I'll do that. Well, everyone's walking in, and I'm going in behind him. And then he's, like, making this ruckus about his tickets. Like, he drops his ticket. You know, he's trying to create a distraction. And I, like, sneak in sideways, and as I'm moving to the side, what do I run into? A security guard. And he's like, ticket. And I'm like, I. He has my tickets. And then this guy is just, like, counting them twice. He's like, 1, 2, 3. And then he's like, putting behind 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Yes. Sleight of hand. And the security guard is like, you don't have enough tickets? And he's like, I thought I had seven. I don't know what happened. And he's like, go. He just says, go, right?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And I'm like, okay, yeah, this isn't the first time.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, this isn't the first time, and it's not the last time. Apparently, this happens a lot. We go, we watch the game. Well, the thing that sucks about the game is that there's no alcohol served at the game at this Time. There's no booze served at the game.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, that's still a thing?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So I'm coming down. I'm like, fuck this. Like, you know. Okay. Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I mean, day drinking only works if you keep drinking.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And they're playing, like West Kentucky Tech. You know what I'm saying? It's a homecoming game. It's an Easy School. It's 40 to zero by the time it's the first quarter is over. So I'm like, ah, whatever. Halfway over, halfway through the game, I'm like, I'm going to go back to the. And everybody agrees. Let's just go back to the car and we'll start drinking. And by the way, the stadium is half empty at this point. Like, nobody's there to be. Everyone wants to get back to partying. So we start drinking again. And within an hour, I've picked up right where I left off. My buzz is good. And ding, the light bulb goes off. Oh, I gotta meet that girl at the bar. So what do I do? I walk back to the bar and no fucking hairy is that girl there with her friends, hanging out. And she's like, you know, hanging out, drinking. And I'm like, standing there trying to get her to notice me. Like, clearly she'll remember me. She has no fucking. Like, she's not even paying attention. She has no idea who I am. She's not doing the sticky eyes at all. She's doing the dirty eyes. Like, why is this guy staring at me? And so finally I walk up and I go, hey, can I buy you a drink? Remember me? And she goes, oh, not really. I was like, we met before the game. You told me to meet you here. And she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. You know, I'll take a drink. Drink, drink. Two drinks, three drinks. Now I'm like 45 minutes in. And at some point, however it happened, whichever it happened, I'm not even sure because I do not have this kind of game. I am not John Anthony. I am not, you know, Adam the liar. But all of the sudden we are kissing. Like, making out in the bar, kissing and making out. And then I realize I've been gone an hour and 15 minutes. And my BlackBerry, I've, like, missed like 12 text messages and phone calls because he's like, I gotta go. The kids gotta go to bed. You know, whatever. So I'm like, oh, shit. Well, listen, I gotta go. I'm sorry. She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Let me give you my Phone number and then call me and then, you know, next, you know, I live up in Anderson or whatever. She says, you know, I can come down to Atlanta, whatever. I'm like, okay, give me, put it in my phone, blah, blah, blah. I don't wait an hour before I text this girl and what do I get? I get this number doesn't exist. I get a total fuck you, the number doesn't exist. It's a totally fake phone number. It doesn't exist. There's nowhere for it to go. Text messages just bounce. My BBMs just bounce. That's it. BBM, if you remember that. The BBM just bounces and I am lost in the. So here's my point, point. Staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly like, I don't think it's an effective tactic. But then you don't even need it. You don't just go to a college bar and hang out for long enough and a lovely guy or girl, whatever your favor is, is going to find you. Because that's what you're doing. You're all partying and having a good time, letting your hair hang out. It's the time of life when you just go and have fun and kiss strangers and drink, accept shots from people. I mean, be smart about it, right? Be smart about it. Always get consent, but have fun. Like, you don't need tips and tricks and hacks. You just need to be yourself. You'll be okay. Unless you're a total asshole. And I know a few of those and you know, they're, they'll.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, then you should change.

[Brian Green]

Then you should change. Yeah, then you need therapy. Skip the college bar, go to the therapy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, the hack is therapy.

[Brian Green]

Yes, but there is no hack to getting attracted to someone or someone getting attracted to you. There is no hack. It's a magic, it's a magic formula that even the best of scientists, nor the quantum witch can solve for you. You'll figure it out. You just gotta get. Put yourself out there, Go to the bar, grab a pack of cigarettes. Walk into the Mexican restaurant when you're on your way to grab a pack.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Of cigarettes, put yourself out there.

[Brian Green]

Put yourself out there. Start smoking cigarettes, drink lots of Bud Light, jump the gate at the Clemson game and you know, be unscrupulous in general. You will find your human being. They are out there. There's plenty of us and there's lots of them. I'm reading all these sad stories about this generation of kids that's growing up now, these 20 somethings and late teens. They are the least laid, they are the least relationship involved. They are the least optimistic that they'll ever have relationships that are meaningful, like romantic relationships that are meaningful. And that, to me, is very sad. But I understand why. It's because you've never just put the screen down for a minute and walked into a bar and gotten yourself into a little bit of good trouble. You know what I mean? Good trouble. That's okay. That's what you. That's. That's what's.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You find other interests, you know?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like drugs. Drugs are perfect for your late teens and early twenties. Now put them down by your mid twenties or else, you know, then shit starts going sideways. Sideways. But that's. This is the time of your go. Have the time of your life. Get in trouble without getting arrested. That's the good kind of trouble. Find a few strangers, make new friends. Have an adventurous night. Do something that doesn't involve a screen and staying at home, wishing things were different. And I promise you, I promise you, you may not get laid every time, but it eventually will happen if you want it to. Take advice from Uncle Brian. From Uncle Brian. This public service announcement brought to you by Brian.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Good trouble.

[Brian Green]

Good trouble. I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get in the good kind of trouble. You know, the kind of trouble where you end up, you know, making out with somebody at the bar. Yeah, what's wrong with that, Chrissy? What's wrong with skinny dipping? Skinny dipping? Yeah, Skinny dipping is good trouble. You know, breaking onto the golf course at three in the morning and smoking a joint and laying a blanket down and giving each other mutual massages. That's a good kind of trouble. Been there, done that. Yeah. Find a. Find a massage friend. I guarantee you're gonna have some fun with that one. I used to have a massage friend. That's what we called each other, massage friends.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Is this who I think it is?

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Is this who I think it is?

[Brian Green]

No, I don't think so. I don't know who you're thinking about, but I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm not gonna say that. Find yourself an Eastern European for angry friend. You know what I'm saying? Find somebody and you guys agree to just have the good kind of trouble. That's the good kind of trouble? That's the good kind of trouble?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Just make sure you don't get on their bad side. All right. 214-3-3,3. TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas? We're taking them all right at that phone number. We'd love to hear from you. Text message or voicemail. If you have something you want to say to us, call in, leave it on the voicemail and you could be the next voice that opens up the commercial break. Also, we are imploring you. Please go follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Commercial break. You'd be a doll face if you do it on Tick Tock too. Though we don't post there as often. Listen, I can only do so much but TCP podcast on tick tock YouTube.com the commercial break for all the episodes the same day. They air here on the audio feed. Go check out the new studio for us and tcbpodcast.com all the audio, all the video and your free sticker at the Contact Us page. No must, no fuss. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

I'll tell you that I love you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye.