TCB Classic: Mr. Mommy

Summary

TCB Classic: Mr. Mommy
The Commercial Break with Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
December 4, 2025

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Episode Overview

This classic episode of The Commercial Break finds co-host Bryan Green holding down the fort while his wife, Astrid, is away in Miami for a day. The show embraces its signature chaotic, unpolished comedic style as Bryan recounts (in hilarious and excruciating detail) his attempt to care for their children solo. Amid relatable parenting fails and household calamity, Bryan and Krissy riff on everything from Tom Cruise’s stunts to the perils of kids’ hairdos, blending off-the-rails personal anecdotes with pop culture banter. This is a tribute to parental resilience—and Bryan’s not-so-secret appreciation for the daily heroics of moms everywhere.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Intro Banter: The Mandemic & Episode Background

[02:12–03:55]

• Bryan announces no new episode due to his own "mandemic" (a week of sickness), but offers this “classic” episode recounting his brief, disorienting time as “Mr. Mommy.”
• He teases Astrid’s solo trip to Miami, leaving him to care for “all 15 of my children” and, by extension, exposes his real-life incompetence as a stand-in mom.

2. Pop Culture Tangents: Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, and 90s Nostalgia

[04:03–08:44]

• Bryan and Krissy trade quips about Tom Cruise’s “cyborg” energy and his uncanny ability to do his own stunts:
  • “That guy is out of control.” (Bryan, 04:48)
  • “He’s made a deal with the Scientology devil.” (Bryan, 05:01)
• Keanu Reeves is lauded as “as close to the Buddha as we’re ever going to get” (Bryan, 07:13), in contrast to Tom Cruise’s overstimulated persona.
• The hosts lament Ashton Kutcher’s diminished cool factor after “that 70s show” drama and riff on blended celebrity families, mentioning Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.

3. Pet Talk, Politicians, and Animal Empathy

[10:04–14:46]

• Bryan reads a disturbing story about South Dakota governor Kristi Noem’s self-confessed execution of her dog and a goat, leading to a debate about animal empathy and burying pets in the backyard.
  • “If Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive.” (Bryan, 11:00)
• Krissy shares her upbringing in an animal rescue–heavy home; Bryan recalls his own animal-saving escapades and the comical chaos that ensues, including a wild bird rescue that goes awry.

4. Animal Rescue Antics & Empathy (…Except for Roaches and Possums)

[14:46–20:28]

• Bryan describes the lengths he went to rescue a beach bird afflicted by naval neurotoxins—and how he and Astrid ended up on an hours-long farcical drive with the bird popping loose inside their car.
• Both hosts admit to swerving their cars to avoid running over wildlife—and the existential dread that brings.

5. Parenthood Follies: All Hell Breaks Loose

A. Prepping for Astrid’s Absence

[25:22–27:58]

• Astrid’s Miami trip is a tightly scripted operation.
• She leaves hyper-detailed instructions for Bryan, who bristles at her apparent lack of trust:
  • “I got it, I got it. Don’t worry!” (Bryan, 26:47)
• Astrid points out he’s “technically…a parent on the birth certificate, but [she’s] not entirely sure that counts much for this particular situation.” (Astrid-via-Bryan, 27:06)

B. Disaster Strikes: Early Wakeups, Food Failures, & Hair Meltdowns

[28:35–40:33]

• A sleepless night sets Bryan up for failure; the kids are up at 3:15 AM and chaos ensues as he fails to get them back to bed.
• Breakfast is a disaster; none want his pancakes:
  • “When your kids know you’re a bad cook, it’s a bad day at the office.” (Bryan, 39:06)

C. The Epic Quest: Doing His Daughter’s Hair

[40:33–46:07]

• The “ponytail challenge” provides some of the best comedy:
  • “Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer.” (Bryan, 41:33)
  • “I’ve dated a lot of girls with ponytails. I’m only good at taking them off, not putting them back in!” (Bryan, 41:48)
• After a frustrating, product-soaked attempt, Bryan finally manages a lopsided ponytail his daughter demands be photographed (not for Mom’s records, if he can help it).

D. Pajama Day & ‘Fashion’ Choices

[46:07–47:15]

• The kids’ questionable outfit choices (Christmas socks, Frozen dress, ballet shoes) leave Bryan convinced their teachers will think they’ve been “dehomed."

6. At School Drop-Off: The Teachers Step In

[54:05–55:23]

• Despite Bryan’s pride in just getting the kids to school alive, the teachers are alarmed:
  • “Normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals.” (Bryan recounts, 54:44)
• The teacher redoes his daughter’s hair. At home, the family helper Noemi steps in, immediately recognizing his disarray:
  • “Give her to me before you kill her!” (Bryan as Noemi, 56:09)

7. Aftermath: Parent Solidarity & the Meltdown

[58:29–66:26]

• Bryan frantically runs between after-school activities, losing track of his son after gymnastics and experiencing true parental panic.
• He admits total defeat upon Astrid’s return, his kids running to her like she’s a returning hero.
  • “God damn, woman, you can never do this again…I need her desperately for so many reasons, personal and selfish…” (Bryan, 51:56 & 67:10)
• The family’s helper, mothers at activities, and teachers form an unsung support team for Bryan’s brief, humbled attempt at solo parenting.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “He’s made a deal with the Scientology devil.” (Bryan, Tom Cruise, 05:01)
• “Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer.” (Bryan, 41:33)
• “If Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive.” (Bryan, on dog-killing story, 11:00)
• “When your kids know you’re a bad cook, it’s a bad day at the office.” (39:06)
• “I’ve dated a lot of girls with ponytails. I’m only good at taking them off, not putting them back in!” (41:48)
• “Normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals.” (teacher, 54:44)
• “God damn, woman, you can never do this again…I need her desperately for so many reasons, personal and selfish…” (51:56, 67:10)
• “Big props to Astrid, to all the mothers and fathers and single parents out there. You know who you are. This story has probably resonated with you to the bone.” (Bryan, 68:28)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Pop culture tangent (Tom Cruise/Keanu) & animal stories: 04:03–20:28
• Bryan braces for ‘Mr. Mommy’ day: 25:22–28:35
• Sleep deprivation & breakfast panic: 28:35–39:44
• Hair disaster & photo evidence: 40:33–46:07
• Pajama day, chaotic school drop-off: 46:07–55:23
• Activity pick-ups & losing his son: 58:29–64:35
• Relief at Astrid’s return & new appreciation for motherhood: 67:03–68:28

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Closing Thoughts

This episode encapsulates The Commercial Break's essence: irreverent, self-deprecating humor, and a willingness to find comedy in the chaos of real life. Bryan’s honest, over-the-top retelling of a disastrous solo parenting day pays homage to anyone who’s ever doubted how hard it is to fill a mother’s shoes (or do a ponytail). The message is clear—even the best intentions can spiral into slapstick when you’re out of your depth, but if you can laugh at yourself, you just might survive parenthood.

Best to you, Astrid. Especially Astrid. (Rachel, 49:11)

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Transcript

[A]

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On this episode of the commercial break. So we are at the point now where I think we can officially call this a mandemic. I have mandemic myself into a full week of sickness. So unfortunately there is going to be no new episode of TCB today. But I would like to kindly remind you that we have done 6462 hours of this damn show. So there is absolutely no shortage of commercial break content if that's what you need today. And because I know some of you might want TCB Content. Today I'm going to repurpose an old episode, one where I talk about Astrid's big adventure down to Miami for a day and how I had to care for all 15 of my children. It's an episode that will clearly show you what a moron I really am. I'd also like to remind you that Chrissy and I now stream all of our recordings on YouTube, Twitch and Kick. So if you want to hear the episodes early and live and get involved with them, you can follow us at the commercial break on Instagram. And we will post 15 to 20 minutes before we stream on those three platforms. That usually occurs Tuesday through Thursday between noon and 3pm because if there's one thing that Chrissy and I cannot do over the last six years of this show, it's keep a schedule. And that's why it's important you follow us at the commercial break so you don't sit on YouTube wondering where in the hell we are. Okay, here's episode number 523 from season five. This is me, Brian Green, starring as Mr. Mobile. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy.

Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green, and this is the Keanu Reeves and my Tom Cruise. Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy.

[B]

Best to you, Brian.

[A]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You're my Keanu Reeves.

[C]

Ah.

[B]

Do you think you might get married?

[A]

He did, yeah. Good for him. What are you gonna marry?

[B]

I can't remember her name, but, well, they've been together.

[A]

You heard it here last.

[B]

Cheers to the happy couple years.

[A]

Yeah, good for them. Piano's, you know, the hotter, sexier, cooler, much more talented version of my Tom Cruise. But Tom's got his own, you know, he's got his own thing going on.

[B]

Well, speaking of Tom Cruise, did you see that he went to.

Beckham, you know?

[A]

Oh, yeah, the party.

[B]

The party. And I read this little account of him, and he apparently was going wild and doing splits.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

On the dance floor?

[A]

He was. Yeah. That guy is out of control.

[B]

He's just. Is he part cyborg or something? I mean, he doesn't seem to age or. And. Or have any fear of any kind of.

[A]

He made a deal with the Scientology devil.

[B]

It's got to be, right?

[A]

He's met Finu or Zanu or whatever the name that is, and he's paid millions of dollars to do so, and he drives on that boat and he hangs out with David Miscavige. And just even saying the Name probably means we're not going to be able to air this episode, but, you know, I mean, it's so fucking litigious. But at the end of the day, like, Tom is a very hyper human being. He, you know, jumps on couches. In that Oprah interview. He's lashing out at Matt Lauer. This is what happens when you don't take your psychiatric medication because you're acting like a 14 year old and you're 67. He's jumping out of planes without fucking safety gear.

[B]

He wants to. All his own stunts.

[A]

He's just. But you. There's some appreciation I have for the way that he lives.

[B]

Absolutely, dude.

[A]

He just don't give fucks. He doesn't give fucks. And he's rich and powerful enough to not give fucks. And he backs it up by producing incredible movies. And he's like, so hands on with them. He knows what the public wants. Like he.

[B]

I know. I didn't want to. I didn't want to like the, the second Top Gun, but I did.

[A]

I haven't even seen it. But it's, you know, it's great. Best movie ever, you know, and then.

[B]

The best movie ever. But it's a great movie.

[A]

Well, they're saying, like Mission Impossible 84, whatever they're on is the best action movie ever made. Really. With a 67 year old dude. I mean. But yeah, because he's driving a real motorcycle over a real canyon and he does it all himself. Yeah, it's unbelievable. You know, Harrison Ford used to do all his own stunts too, or most of his own stunts also in the Indiana Jones movies. But even he wised up. He's like, fuck. After he crashed that plane, he's like, I'm not doing this anymore. What the fuck am I doing? I'm breaking bones. I don't know. There's some small appreciation that I do have for Tom Cruise and the way that he lives his life. And he is like the Taylor Swift of movies. He's all hands. He's all in. He's hands on. He does it all himself. And he knows what the public wants. So what can you do there? Keanu Reeves is just kind of a dude. He's like the Dude. He's like the real version of the dude from the Big Lebowski. And he also, deservedly so, does a lot of his own stunts, but he also gets a lot of people to watch his movies, I think, because we all know deep down inside of our hearts that Keanu re Reeves is like as close to the Buddha as we're ever going to get. I mean, he has a lot of guns, but, you know, he's. Besides all that, he's. He's like as close to the Buddha as we're going to get on.

[B]

He seems like it, doesn't he?

[A]

Yeah, he's like helping children and signing autographs and telling people they're cool.

[B]

Seems like. Yeah, the nicest guy.

[A]

This is what you could have been, Ashton Kutcher. You could have been had you not defended your.

Co star there. You know, I was reading about.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[A]

They. They made that 70s show, which was a great show in the moment. I don't know if it's aged very well, probably because all the, all the drama we know about the people who actually made the show. But that 70s show was a great show when it was on. And then they did that 80s show and who the fuck ever watched that 80s show?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Now they have that 90s show, which is on Netflix. Yeah. Apparently, you know, those two Mila Gunas and, and Ashton Kutcher showed up on a, on an episode or two to kind of like, you know, further the storyline. This, the people, the parents. Yeah, they're the parents now of the children who are on that 90s show, which makes sense. But I just don't think Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunez hold as much weight as they may have. At one point, I think there was that one point where I'll like, oh, Ashton's a pretty cool guy. Now I'm like, what a. What a shithead. I mean, honestly, like, what a. What a dumbass. That's my personal opinion.

[B]

I forget too, that he was with Demi Moore for so long.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

I know. You kind of forget about now.

[A]

I'm seeing these pictures with like, Bruce Willis, his new wife, all his children, and Demi Moore all like Christmas morning wearing pajamas, hanging out. Yeah, well, that's the way you do it.

[B]

Well, except he's got that bad disease now.

[A]

Well, yeah, but I mean, I say that's the way you do it. When I'm. What I mean is that the blended family, like the blended family and when someone's in trouble, they all come together, regardless of how they feel about each other or what past they may have. It's. That to me, is a beautiful thing. I, I like, I, I really do enjoy it. But what a scary thing for Bruce Wilson. I was. A number of people have been diagnosed with that, like, early onset super quick dementia. That's Scary. That is scary. Put me out of my misery. That's all I got to say. I mean, I'm not suggesting that anyone, you know, hurt anybody, but put me out of my misery. If that's what happens to me, send me off to Sweden. Put me in one of those, you know.

Yeah, yeah. They have those tubes you put yourself in. You press a button, and then there.

[B]

You go and disintegrate.

[A]

You just go. Yeah. You just float off into the night. And then put me in one of the. And then burn me and put me in a tree or whatever they're doing now. They grow a tree out of your body?

[B]

They do.

[A]

It's crazy. Yeah. That's the way I want to go.

[B]

I heard. I heard someone the other day and something I was listening to say they wanted to just be put into the ground. Like, just straight into the ground, just. And just disintegrated.

[A]

Like a dog. Like burying a dog in your backyard. Yes. Yeah, I never. I was never down with that. You know, I just read. This is a good. It's an interesting segue. I actually have this story open, and I didn't intend to segue into this, but I'll segue into it. You know that Kristen Kirsten. Whatever her name is. Noem. Christy Noem. The governor of South Dakota.

[B]

Right, Right. Yeah.

[A]

Crackpot. Anyway, let's get beyond her politics. And I'm reading a story that she executed her dog and a goat in front of a construction crew a number of years ago. She wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying and obnoxious and killing a few chickens on her farm.

[C]

What?

[A]

Executed the dog and then just buried. And then her kids were like, where's Cricket? Or whatever the dog's name is. Where's Cricket? And she's like, I don't know. And the construction crew is probably like. Like, mouths wide open. Because she killed the dog. Just killed it because it got loose and killed the chicken.

[B]

Is it. That's what dog psychopaths do?

[A]

I am pretty sure that's what psychopaths do. And, Brian, listen, if Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't care how annoying your dog is. You've never met a dog as annoying as Blue, and she's still breathing. No, I have not executed her, and I do not intend to.

[B]

How. How many years and days a week have I been coming here? I mean, thousands and thousands. Not thousands of years, but thousands of days.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have I walked in that door. And it's the same dance every.

[A]

Yeah, you got to. She jumps up on you. You got to move to the left. Moves. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Stop. Shut up.

So my youngest is walking and. And starting to talk.

[B]

Yes, she is.

[A]

So. And. And I'll share this story in the next segment. But my. My wife goes out of town for a day. One day. That's it. Gone in the morning, comes back at night. That's just a 15 hour window.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I'm trying to get everybody out the door for school. And the dog is just like, every time someone goes in or out of that door, it's a signal to that dog Blue to go apeshit, to go crazy.

And it's like, dude, we're just leaving. We do this every day, four times a day. We're leaving the house. You're okay. Everything's going to be okay. But she is so wound up and she's so fucking obnoxious that she will not stop barking. Like loudly, sharply. It kind of hurts your ears.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so we're all trying to get out of the door. Yes.

Godly knows while trying to get out of the door. And my youngest walks up to the dog and she's got her shoe in her hand and she like starts swinging it at the dog. Now, we don't hit the dog, but she's like swinging it. Not to hit it, but like, she's going like this. And she's going, no, no, Wyatt, quiet. Yeah, because that's what we all do. We're.

That's crazy. If Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. I can't believe this lady put it in a book. She's the governor of South Dakota. I mean, that's one of those things you just kind of shut the up about, right? Yeah, I understand there are circumstances upon which you have to put a dog down because they're dangerous. Now it says that she would. He was. The dog was killing chickens. Well, dogs are going to kill chickens. That's what dogs in the wild would do. They'd kill them and they'd eat them. So. But she says it was under. The dog was only like 17 months old too. And it was untrainable. I mean, 17 months, you're not giving the dog a whole lot of time to live and try it out. But anyways, what a up thing to do. And then she buries it in the backyard. I never. Back to the point. I never understood burying a dog in the backyard. I don't even understand. Like, it just doesn't make any Sense to me why you would want a dead, rotting corpse in the backyard unless you had a farm where there's plenty of land. Right. And no one's ever going to see the maggots crawling out of the earth. But, like, isn't there some disease that can happen if you just like burying dead things in your backyard?

[B]

Seems like it.

[A]

Jeez, it seems so weird. Crazy.

[B]

We never did that.

[A]

Never did.

[B]

Family didn't do that.

[A]

No. But you had a lot of dogs, too.

[B]

We did. We had a lot of cats. Dogs, fish.

[A]

Your mom, like, opened up the house for that?

[B]

Yes. She was an animal lover.

[A]

She was an animal lover. She'd like to take in pathetic little things. That was her thing. Did she, like, find cats on the side of the road and bring them home?

[B]

Yes. Oh, and dogs.

[A]

Yeah. I could never live with a person like that. I lived with a lady. I lived with a girl for years, and she was like that. And I just had to put my foot down. I'm like, listen, we do not need to adopt every single stray animal that I wish I could, of course, but there, at some point, it's not practically.

You're not practically able to do that with every single creature that you see. This is coming from the guy who drove 50 miles to save a bird. And the bird was flying around the car.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Scaring the out of Astrid. And I'm like, we gotta get there to save the bird. Astron's like, I'm pretty sure it's fine. It's flying around the car.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I forgot about that. Oh, my God. Scared the fuck out of us. We're swerving all over some Florida highway and the bird's like.

Close the windows. Astrid's like, it's fine, it's fine. Let it out. Open the windows. Open the windows. Not that Astrid didn't want to save it. She came on the ride with me, but I think she figured, okay, we saw it flap its wings, it'll be all right. Just let it go. But no, Brian had to drive to the bird sanctuary that was closed, by the way. It wasn't even open. But they had a box outside they wanted me to put the bird in. Well, the bird's flapping all around, and I'm like. I'm, like, pushing it in there. It's like pecking me like, ah. Ah. Get in your cage.

Sorry to take you from your home on the beach and stuff you into some box. But you're going to be fine now. Everything's going to be good. A better life awaits. You just have to wait till Monday at 9am.

Monday, 9am Everything's going to be fine. Just. Yeah, take a little nap.

Sleepy time for the bird.

[B]

Well, hopefully that bird's still alive somewhere.

[A]

I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. The weirdest thing about that whole situation, and this is a story I told a long time ago on the commercial break, Astro and I were at a beach, and we're just hanging out there, and I was taking a run. And on the way back from the run, right in front of where the family was sitting on the beach, where they had, like, you know, the little. Camped out there, there was a bird, and it was like, just like, trying to flap its wings, but it wasn't. And it was. Looked dizzy and confused. And I was really upset about this. I was like, geez. And had some kind of film on its. On its wings. I got really upset about this. And I had the guy that was at the beach club, I had him bring me a box, and I put it in the box and I had a towel and I wrapped it around it. But it just seemed really in very bad shape. And so I started calling around the island, trying to figure out who could help this bird. Well, of course, you know, whatever, the dnr, Department of Natural Resources, they're like, yeah, we don't come out for a single bird. Like, birds die. It's okay, you know. And I was like, well, that's not very DNR of you, but okay. I'm not calling the Do Not Resuscitate Hotline. I'm calling the Department of Natural Resources. Right. And then. But luckily, there were a couple of bird sanctuaries. Well, all of them were closed, except one lady answered the phone and she said, yeah, we see this all the time. There's a Navy submarine encampment, you know, base right down the street or right down the beach encampment. There's a Navy base down the street.

I have a terrible headache. And you know, when, like, headaches start to affect the way that you think, you know what I'm saying? That's where I'm at right now. I'm like, oh, God, my brain's not working. So there's this navel base, and the naval base uses a certain kind of substance to wash off the submarines, to clean the submarines. And we believe that that's a neurotoxin to these birds. And so whenever they go clean the subs, we end up having a number of these birds. So I'm not Open today. I won't be open till Monday. But in the ass backward swamp of Florida somewhere 50 miles away from where you happen to be, if you just drive down this dirt road for 14 miles, then you'll see a box in the middle of nowhere where you stuff the bird. And I'll pick it up on Monday. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So Astrid and I put that box in there. We have the towel covering it and we're riding and Astrid's in the back holding the box, like, you know, holding the towel down in the box. And we're like halfway there, 20 miles into this journey, you know, and all of the sudden the bird just like pops out like one of those clowns. We go.

You know what I'm saying? Like a clown in the box. Yeah, the jack in the box, it just pops its head out and it's like, it starts flying around the car. And Esther jumps into the front seat. She's like, ah. And I'm like, put it back in the box. And she got on touching that thing. It was like a comedy show going on in the car for like 14 miles of the drive. And then we really did have to drive on this swamp road forever and ever to get down there. So it, you know, like I have this empathy for animals and when I see something that looks helpless, hurt, I want to help it. I nurtured a squirrel once back to health. Like, I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there indefinitely. It's. It's insane to me. I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house any given time. There's snakes and reptiles and, you know, squirrels and possums and raccoons are all running around everywhere. Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands. The other day is like petting a possum. I'm like, what are you doing? I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like my goodwill stops at roaches and possums. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry, I just don't. Because you're kind of weird. You're like little aliens crawling around this earth. And I'm not sure you should be here. So I don't know if my empathy extends that far. If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird, those things I want.

[B]

I mean, I'll swerve to miss it.

[A]

Yeah, of course. You swerve to miss it. Causing accident.

Every time I swerve to miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself, one of these days I'm gonna die, because I swear.

[B]

But it's like your. Your first instinct, right?

[A]

I mean. Yes.

[B]

Not to just keep going.

[A]

There was the other day, I guess.

[B]

Unless there is a car on coming.

[A]

Yeah. You can't. You got to be careful. Like, I know. It is a natural instinct. That's what makes it so dangerous. It's like, you know, it's like a. I don't know, like some weird tick that you have. Like. Ah.

[B]

I know.

[A]

The other day, one of my kids is like, was. Has been for months, growing increasingly anxious about bugs, right? And she. She doesn't want to see bugs. Bugs, Bugs. Dad. Bugs, Bugs, Bugs, bugs. But we've been trying to talk her out of it, talk her down off the ledge. Listen, bugs don't want to hurt you. They have no interest. There are some bugs, like roaches that you just kill. And then. So we're outside, we're playing around. She notices every bug and she goes, oh, daddy, look, there's an ant. It's this big black ant. And it's crawling around the sidewalk. And we're out there dancing on the sidewalk, and she's crawling around and I'm like, oh. And she's like, oh, daddy, aunt. And I go, no, no, no, he's just crossing the road. He'll be fine. You know, let him go. Just let him do his thing. He's not gonna. He's not gonna hurt you. So he's sitting there and she's looking and, you know, she's like, oh, I see daddy, he's so cute. He just wants to cross the road. And I'm like, I know. And then one of my other kids comes with a double footed stomp and just stomps on the ant and goes, go. See, I took care of it. And I'm like.

Thanks, guy. Thanks, pal.

And now she's crying about the bug and I'm like, I'm sorry. We got to let those little guys just keep going. What did you kill him for? No, Mia was scared.

All right? Me can have therapy. The ant is no longer. It's either existence or therapy. We can deal with one of those.

The other one's not coming back. You know what I'm saying, kid, you gotta make sure of it. All right, Let me tell you about my day with the children when we get back, okay?

[B]

I'm Very interested to hear.

[A]

All right, we'll be back. You make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some very heavy thinking to do before 10 o'. Clock.

[C]

Hi cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a race compliment Chrissy's and innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans or tell us a little story. The juicier the better. By the way, we love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials hecommercial break on Insta, TCB podcast on TikTok, and for those of you who like to watch. Oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video, YouTube.com thecommercial break and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously. Axl needs food. Today is pork chop day.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by our longtime sponsor, Squarespace. I am working on a new project information tbd. It's very secretive. It's very hush hush around here because, you know, podcast secrets are a thing. Anywho, there is only one all in one website tool that's designed to help my new project stand out and be successful. And that one tool is Squarespace. Squarespace can help me through every step of the process. The launch, the scaling, the branding, and the growth. No matter what part of the journey I am on. Squarespace is an all in one website platform, so it'll cater to my needs every step of the way. There are so many benefits, services and tools built into Squarespace, I would need a 10 minute commercial to name them all. Cutting edge design, search engine optimization tools, domain management, analytics, email campaigns, the ability to host videos, and most importantly, the ability to get paid. So if you've been thinking about building or upgrading your website, now's the time to head to squarespace.com commercial for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, make sure to use the offer code commercial to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com commercial. Then be sure to use the code Commercial when you're ready to launch. Squarespace has been with the commercial break for a long time. And we have been with Squarespace for even longer. This is a company we trust. It's a product we use. And there's one overarching reason why it makes my life easier. Go build yourself a beautiful website, squarespace.com commercial and thank you to Squarespace for being a sponsor of the commercial break. Come to DSW for the shoes.

[B]

Stay for the fun.

[C]

Because let's be honest, if shoe shopping.

[A]

Isn'T fun, are you even doing it right? So go ahead, try something new. Try something different, good different. Try something that feels like you, you.

[B]

Know, the real you.

[A]

And then definitely brag about it later. Because at dsw, you've got unlimited freedom to play. Find the shoes that get you at prices that get your budget at DSW stores [e-mail]. let us surprise you.

All right, so Astrid has to go down to Miami just for the day for, to sign a piece of paper regarding a citizenship. Right?

[B]

That's what she said.

[A]

That's what she says, exactly. And, and I'll explain this in a second. Why, for a second I thought, I.

[B]

Don'T know, she just needed a day off.

[A]

She needed the day off to be with her sexy, you know, hunky Hispanic boyfri.

So she's got to go down there just for the day. It's kind of like a gotta do it kind of situation. We have no choice. We, it's literally planned within 24 hours. And she's on her way and she, she's like, listen, I know, I'm sorry. I got, you know, I gotta do this. I'll leave you everything. Done. She's really so concerned about her children's ability to actually live through an entire 15 hour window with dad just by himself. So she's like sitting me down to have this big conversation with me. She writes this huge, oh, I'm sure. And she's like, you know, kids, wake up at this time. Breakfast. Here, do this kid, this kid gets that. That kid gets that. I've got these instructions and I'm, I'm playing so flip and coy. I'm like, listen, I got it, I got it. You don't think I can take care of these kids? I, I helped make them. I, I, I, I, I, I, I know how to take care of kids. Like we're parents together. And she goes, yeah, kind of.

In.

[B]

Your mind, kind of.

[A]

Yeah, kind of. But you, like, actually don't do most of the stuff I do. And you're mostly around, around by that microphone and like, you're kind of not participating in all the hard stuff. So, yes, you do. You are a parent technically on the birth certificate, but I'm not entirely sure that counts much for this particular situation.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm like taking such offense to this. I'm like, I got it, I got it. Don't worry. Feed the kids, clothe them, let them shit and shower and shave and then we're out the door, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, brian, kids don't shave at this age. And I'm like, well, whatever, you get what I'm saying? And she's like, what are you going to do when, you know, you got to think about what you're going to do because you're not going to have your morning press conference time. You're not going to be able to go get your cup of coffee. Like you got to plan for all this because it's not going to happen. So I just want to, like, I'm helping you along here, you know, Got to think. And I just, I'm running into this like a bowl in a china shop. I'm like, it, whatever happens, we're going down, we're going down. We're going down with a bullet. It's just. That's the way it is, right? I'm going to get these kids up. They're going to be so ready. I'm going to bathe them.

[B]

You're going to be dad of the year. I'm going to picture yourself like, you know, the. Astrid comes back and the kids are like, we don't even need you anymore, Astrid.

[A]

That's what I was hoping.

[B]

Brian.

[A]

Daddy. Daddy did it.

[B]

Cover. We did everything.

[A]

Go back to Miami, spend an extra couple of days there. Look at dad, superstar. He's cooking, he's flipping, he's wiping butts, he's changing diapers, he's doing it all.

Blue is sitting down, quiet, right in front of, right in front of the door. Look at him. It's all, you know, the house is clean. He cleaned the car, he pressure washed the outside of the shutters. He. Dad did it all. Look at him. I think he's out there cutting the grass right now with two of the children on the lawnmower. Like, he's so good at this. But, man, do you not know what you got till it's gone?

[B]

That's right.

[A]

As the famous poet Mick Jagger once said. Let me tell you something right now that is, is not at all how it went Down. And I should have probably expected this, but. And I did somewhere in my brain know that there was going to be an emergency ripcord I was going to have to pull at some point. So Asher's got to get. Astro's got to meet an Uber outside at like 4:45 in the morning to get to her flight so she can get to Miami in time to do what she needs to do. So in preparation for that the night before, I say, okay, shut it down. No studio stuff. I'm going to go to bed 9, 9:30. I'm going to be asleep by 10:30, 11, so I can get up, up when she leaves, walk her to the Uber and then I'll come back. I'll sleep for an hour or two, I'll wake everybody up, we'll get going, smooth sailing. This is my plan. But God damn did it go sideways. Right from the get. 3:15 in the morning, the baby is crying, right? She's in that age where she's just having trouble sometimes sleeping throughout the night and she wants some comfort. 3:15, 15 in the morning, baby's crying. Astro goes in to soothe her. Astrid's got to get up. And four, that 3:15 in the morning wake up call from the baby also starts to rile the other two children, one of which I'm sleeping with in the bed. And so now I'm up. It's 3:15 and I'm up. And I know my alarm's gonna go off at 4:15 or whatever because I'm gonna go walk her out to the Uber. So in my head, you know how you start? Do you ever set an alarm and then get up like four minutes before the alarm goes off? It's the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is getting up five minutes before the alarm goes off.

[B]

I kind of like it.

[A]

I hate it.

[B]

I kind of like it because then I'm not startled by the alarm.

[A]

I'm with you on that. Yeah, but What? Maybe not five minutes? Let's call it 15 or 20 minutes.

[B]

Before that was off. Yeah, you wanted that extra sleep.

[A]

You need that extra sleep. I don't know why, but that 15 minutes before the alarm goes off is the most important sleep ever. Because every time I wake up 15 minutes or 20 minutes or an hour before the alarm goes off, I start panicking in my own head. I got to get to sleep. I got to get to sleep. What do I do? You know, what can I take? What do I drink? You know, where's the Tylenol? Where's the Benadryl? Where's the Xanax? I gotta get something so I can go back to sleep for 20 minutes. But now I am up. And by 3:35, I know I'm up. I'm like, well, it, I'll just get up.

[B]

Yeah, you just have to go with it.

[A]

So, 4:00 in the morning, 3:50 in the morning, Astrid comes back, manages to go to sleep for another 20 minutes. How she does that, I have no idea. I wish I had that magic power. But she goes back to sleep for.

[B]

20 minutes because as a mom, you take it where you can get it.

[A]

And that's true.

[C]

True.

[A]

Well, I mean, you know, there's dads too. Look at me. What about me? What about me? Me, me, me, me, me. Yeah, me, me, me, me, me. My, my, my, my. So now I'm just sitting there stirring mad that Astrid is the one who has to get up early. And I'm the one who's already up early. I'm, I, I, I, I'm, I'm all pissed off, right? And I'm like, okay, let me turn on a show. It'll put me, lull me back to sleep like a baby. Let me put on that west wing I've seen 75,000 times. It's my little lullaby, right?

President Bartlett.

Sam Seaborn and the whole crew, they're gonna put me to sleepy time.

So I put it on. Nothing works. I'm not going back to sleep until now. I'm up. So I just decide I'm gonna watch an episode of the West Wing and just stay up. Astrid gets up and I get up with her. And then, you know, we're sitting in the kitchen, she's making coffee and something she can take on the plane to eat. And I'm, and I'm just amazed by her composure. I'm amazed at the ability to plan. She's got 675, 000 documents stuck in a bag that you can actually take on a plane without, you know, drama. Yeah, she's thought of everything, right? I'm like, do you have that? Yes. Do you have. Yes, do that. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I've got it all. You know how many times I would have walked back in the house had that been the same trip with me? You know how many times on the airplane I would have been like, oh, I forgot that piece of paper. I didn't bring a charger. I don't have a change of clothes. What about my shoes? Fuck, I didn't bring deodorant. God damn. God damn. God damn. But Astrid has it all laid out. She's ready to go. This is what makes her a superhero. And me, this is what makes her Keanu Reeves and me. Tom Cruise. I'm like the lowly version of. Of Keanu Reeves. I'm really not that cool in person. Right. I'm doing splits on the dance floors. That's. That's what's going on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Astrid's panicked about the Uber ride because we all should be panicked about the Uber ride because, really, a stranger's coming to pick you up, right? And you don't know, but I see on the little With Uber app, she. And she has every safety feature turned on.

[B]

You gotta do all those too.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta do the pin. You're sharing it with multiple people. You know where you are, you know, blah, blah, blah. And you turn my iPhone, you know, find my iPhone. Okay. We're sharing our location. I walk her out. But I also noticed the Guy has had 11, 000 trips and has a 4.99 rating. So I'm like, 11, 000 trips? That's. That's a pretty good trip, I don't think. I hope today's not the day he decides to go ape, you know? Does he turn into an ax murderer today? Probably not. I think you do that around trip 13,000. We're still good.

Right? So I walk her out to the. To the Uber, and I come back into the house and who's fucking barking? Blue. So Blue's barking at me. And now other children are up.

[B]

Everybody's up.

[A]

Not everybody. Oh, the baby's still sleeping. But the two that are the hardest to get to sleep are now up. And so I'm like. They're like, daddy, it's morning time. And I'm like, no, it's not. Do you see it? It's dark outside. It's 4:50 in the morning. Let's go back to sleep for a couple of hours. Daddy. What? I have to go pee pee. No, can't you hold it? Can, like, hold it for two hours? Daddy. What? I just went pee pee. Ah. God damn it. I get up, I take her to the bathroom. I come back. Now I'm smooshed in the middle of two children. And one of them is playing games with her hands. She's like this. Daddy, Mariposa. And I'm like, what? Maddie Bosa. And I'm like, butterfly. Yeah, Mariposa. And she's like doing her hands like this. Yes. In front of my face. Right in front of my face. And I'm like, go to sleep, Daddy. Secret Maddie.

Waving her hands in front. I am so worked up right now, Hoadley. This is gonna go one of two. And then the other kid on the other side. Daddy. What? Can I turn on Disney Junior? No. 450 in the morning.

What are you doing? Go back to sleep, Daddy. What? Can I watch the West Wing on your phone? No, because now he likes. He likes my shows now.

[B]

Right, exactly.

[A]

Because he's gonna put him to sleep, too.

This is gonna go one of two ways, Chrissy. At this moment, it's like 5:15, 5:20 in the morning. This is gonna go one of two ways. Either I am gonna absolutely lose my shit and demand that these children go the to sleep right now, or I'm gonna play the cool dad and I'm just gonna let it roll, right? And I make a quick probably the wrong decision, but I make a decision to just let it roll.

[B]

I would have to. Okay, yeah.

[A]

So the girl, my daughter manages to fall asleep. My son keeps asking me if he can watch the West Wing. Can I watch something on your phone? Can I watch something on your phone? And I'm like, no, you're not allowed to watch things on phones, first of all. Second of all, no, no, no, no, no. You know what happens? Five minutes later, we're watching the West Wing on my phone. Of course that's what we're doing, right? And he never goes back to sleep. So at 5:45, 6:30 in the. 5:45, 6:00 clock in the morning, he's like, daddy, can I call Mommy? And I'm like, why? And he goes, for breakfast? And I'm like, no, I'm. I'm gonna make you breakfast. Well, mommy made you breakfast, but I'm gonna actually heat it up for you.

So at this point, I just give up. I'm like, okay, let's go. So it's me.

[B]

Let's start the day.

[A]

Yeah, it's me and a couple of the kids. The first thing that this child does. The first thing. Now, I will remind you of what I have said on this show before. You never wake a sleeping baby.

[B]

No.

[A]

Don't ever think about it. Don't look it in the eye. Don't. Don't. Just don't even look at the door. Don't. When you pass the room, just don't even look at the door. You tiptoe past and you do everything you can to keep that baby asleep for as long as you can. Because babies are a nightmare. And when they're up, they're twice as worse.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

First thing that child does while I'm getting, like, I wake up, I say, okay, go to the kitchen. I'll be there in a minute. You know, I'm waking up, I'm splashing water on my face, and. And then. And then I can hear the baby.

And I'm like, oh, now the baby's up. And I walk in, and my son's standing at the crib, and they're playing games, and I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, it's time to wake her up. And I'm like, no, it's not. It's never time to wake her up. You never wake a baby up. If that baby slept until it was five years old, it'd be too early to wake up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

If I could pump milk straight into its vein and keep it sleeping until it can talk, walk, and shit for itself, then I would. Because that's what babies are supposed to do. Look at all those pictures on Facebook. Everyone's sleeping because that's what babies should do. Why did you do that, child? So now a number of us are up in the kitchen. And let me tell you something. Astor does this every day, but I do not do this every day. She is the morning person. I am the night person. That's how it goes in this family. I take, you know, I do the sleeping stuff and play with them in the afternoons. Astrid is up in the morning and does all the important stuff.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So that I can just play with them in the afternoon.

[B]

Exactly. I've seen this. I have seen this.

[A]

It's true story. So I go to the refrigerator, and Astrid has left me the breakfast, the lunches for the kids to go to school with. She has prepared notes for this lady, Noemi, who comes and helps us every day. I mean, every Tuesday and Thursday, she comes and helps around the house. She has prepared notes for Noemi on what to do and how to make it and get it all done. And I. She made pancakes for the kids. So I heat up the pancakes. I put him in front of the. A couple of the children, and I said, there. Breakfast. Daddy. What? Where's Mommy? She's in Miami. What time's she gonna be home? Probably like, you know, five, six o'. Clock. I don't know why I don't want pancakes. Can mommy make me something else? And I'm like, I'm standing right here. You don't want me to make you something else? I don't think so.

When Your kids know you're a bad cook. It's a bad day at the office when your kids don't even want your food. That's a bad day at the office. So I'm like, listen, you eat those pancakes and you shut the up. Do you hear me? I don't want you. I don't want to hear another word. Those have chocolate chips in them. Mom made them with love. And there's. What do you want? Pringles? Because I can make you Pringles. Is that what you want? Sour cream and onion Pringles. Would you like those for breakfast?

[B]

You could do your ramen noodle dish.

[A]

You want some ramen noodles with Mexican cheese, sour cream, jalapenos, hot sauce and crackers.

[B]

And the daddy special.

[A]

Yes. It's get you right off to school, right in the. The right way. You yourself before lunch.

Yes. Chrissy, breakfast is insane. I mean, it's insane. I got pancakes in front of all these children. None of them want them. Right? They're chocolate chip pancakes. Who don't want. I want chocolate chip pancakes, but I'm too busy to eat anything because you know why? Because I. I'm an idiot. I don't know any other stuff up. I'm trying to get the lunches into the bag. I'm got to get a water. Everyone. Now all my kids are up. And I'm like, oh, oh, kids, we gotta leave in 30 minutes. Everybody. No one's eating their breakfast. Everybody, quick stuff your butts. And I'm throwing pancakes down everyone's throat. I'm literally putting pancakes into one of my daughter's throats. I'm like, you're gonna eat this and you're gonna like it, and you're gonna take it because that's what mommy left for you. And there's no other option. You will literally starve or you will eat this fucking pancake. That's what's gonna go on. And you're gonna do it right now without complaint. And then she goes, daddy, we need to do my hair.

[B]

That's right. I wondered about the hair.

[A]

I have been sweating this for days. For two days since I knew that she was going to Miami because she.

[B]

Likes her hair done so pretty.

[A]

Oh, she wants the Princess Leia. She wants the bobtails. She wants it down. She wants multiple twists and braids. This girl will not leave the house unless she feels her hair has been done appropriately by somebody I know. And I'm telling you right now, I am not. That somebody's so cute. It does. And. And she is the one who tells Astrid how to do her hair.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But Astrid knows all the ways to do her hair, right? I always see them in the. When I wake up in the morning, you know, a lot of times I'll take the kids to school, but I just wake up and literally shove them into the car and go, yeah. I don't even take a shower. I'm just like, hey. I see Astrid all the time. You know, they're in there for hours, I don't know, days doing that, those hair things. And I'm like, I don't have. So I told Astron before she left, I said, what do I do with this one's hair? And she goes, well, just put it in a ponytail. Yeah, put. Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer.

Just throw a little knowledge in there, you'll be fine. Look at some Instagram videos from fathers that are much better than you. And boom. Quantum ponytails.

I am literally looking up those goddamn dad Instagram accounts trying to figure out those better dads that I am doing their daughter's hair all whoopy doopy and sending them out the door. I don't know the first thing about hair. I've dated a lot of girls with ponytails. I'm only good at taking them off, not putting them back in. What do you want me to do?

[B]

Right?

[A]

So I. So now I'm negotiating with my daughter. She's standing on this little stand in front of her mirror in the kids. In the kids bathroom. Hair is all like this. She's got beautiful hair, but it is thick. So when thick and curly. Yeah, and so it's all curly and out to here. And I'm like, I definitely can't send you like this, this. And I'm like, listen, can I just do a ponytail? I don't want a ponytail. What do you want? I want a double cross braid. And I'm like, what the is a double cross braid, hun? I don't know what that is. And she's like, well, Mommy does it. Daddy. What? Can we call Mommy?

I said, no, we can't call her. She's on an airplane. So we're going to have to do this together. Can you, can you, can we work together? So, yeah, unbelievably, because this one really refuses to wear what she doesn't want to wear and look how she doesn't want to look. If she doesn't like it, she's not doing it. But unbelievably, in one moment of grace.

[B]

In this whole goddamn.

[A]

She felt sorry for me and she said, fine. So now I'm like, that's awesome. How the fuck do I do a ponytail? How do I do that?

And she's like, daddy, take the water spray and then the stuff and the thing. She's pointing at the things that I need to do, right? And so now I'm spraying water all over her face, her hair and her clothing, right? And then I'm pulling it back. She's like, ow, ow, ow, daddy, ow, ow. And I'm like, I. I don't know yet. I see people do this on horses all the time. They don't yell like this, please just give me a break. I don't know. I don't know how to do this. So finally I get it wet enough. I put this purple like, like conditioner tangle, like detangler conditioner. I take a little bit, Chrissy, I'm talking like a little bit, a little circular dollop on my hand and I put it on her hair and it sticks right to her scalp. And I can't smooth it out. It's like this big goopy white on the back of her head. And I'm like. And I'm trying to like, you know, put it in the hair, like smooth it out, push it around. It's not going anywhere. It's just sitting right there, this big glop of white. And I'm like, oh.

So I finally, I get out the brush and the second I get out the brush, it's tangle city. And. And I just can't push that around enough. And she's like, oh, oh, daddy, can we call mommy? Oh, oh, no, we're not calling mommy. So I finally, and I mean it took me a good 10 minutes. I finally managed to get like. So that it didn't have like a big white patch in the back of her head. It looks semi normal, but really kind of weird and wet. And I have it in my hand, I have the ponytail in my hand and I'm like, okay, what I do now? I guess I put a little, you know, the elastic, the elastic band on there. Yes, Chrissy, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to loop that band. So I keep yanking her hair through these. I'm twisting it, I'm turning it, I'm yanking it. And she's. Ow, daddy, ow, ow, ow. The poor girl's head is at a 90 degree angle staring at my face and I'm like yanking it down. I'm like, I don't know, I don't know how to do this.

And I got her into. I got it into a ponytail. And let me tell you something. I got it into a ponytail. And the second that I got it into that ponytail, the second she stepped off that thing, all of a sudden the hair's pulling out. So now she's got these random, like, frizzy pieces of hair sticking everywhere. And I'm like, wow, that's beautiful. We really did a good job. Look how pretty you look. And she's, like, swinging her hair back and forth. She's like, thanks, Daddy. And I'm like, no problem. She's like, I want a picture. And I'm like, nope, nope. No picture needed. No picture needed. And she's like, daddy, I want a picture. Show Mommy. So I take a picture, and I'm like, I'm gonna send it to mommy right now. And she's like, let me see. And I'm like, nope, nope. I was gonna press delete. I'm sending it to Mommy right through the trash can. See, you drag, you drop. You put it through the trash can. Goes right to Mommy. Mommy's the trash can. She looks at that picture and she looks at me, and she's like, ah.

It'S coming out. And I'm like, I know, babe, but we just gotta go. Like, we gotta go. It's pajama day at the school.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that probably helped.

[A]

It did help. Except my son, who wants to wear red. One of my sons wants to wear red Christmas socks pulled up above his knee. Knee sock. Christmas socks. My Christmas socks. He wants to put my Christmas socks on above his knee and then wear, like, a Super Mario pajama shorts and short sleeve. And I'm like, son, you kind of look like a crazy Swedish person. You look like you're about to yell out for some coughlaws or something. Like, everyone's about to blow in one of those horns.

[B]

Oh, right, right. With the socks.

Like the yodelers.

[A]

Yeah. Meanwhile, the daughter just got her hair done, wants to wear a red frozen dress with bright pink pants under it and then ballet shoes to school. These two kids look like they have been dehomed.

It looks like a blind person took them for the morning.

So they're, like, standing at the front door, all of them just looking a hot mess. Hot fucking mess. And they go, let's take a picture for mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture, right?

[B]

She's landed. She's like, how are things going?

[A]

She's not even landed. Landed. She's still on the Plane. She's texting me, but she's like, let me see how everything's going. And I'm like, oh, everything's fine over here. They're hungry. They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's Peter poop today.

I think I left their lunches out all night. I'm not sure they're still good. And take a look. Here they are. And she's like, oh, my God. That's her response. Oh, my God.

Now she's worried that the people at school are going to be like. She's like, what? Make sure to tell the teachers that I'm in my.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Make sure to tell the teachers I had nothing to do with this.

And I'll tell you what those teachers said right after this break. We'll be back.

[C]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333 TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us and we'll text you right back.

[A]

Back.

[C]

Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.

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[A]

Supply.

All right, so I managed to get everybody out of the door, and I managed to get out of the door with, like, five minutes to spare. Like, I know we're a little bit early, and I'm like, oh, this is awesome. I'm gonna be dad of the year. When I show up, the kids are dressed. They're gonna have something for lunch. They're alive. That's the thing I'm most.

[B]

Proud. They are alive.

[A]

Yes. And so I take the baby, I stuff her in the car. Thirteen children pack into the, you know, 1973 Honda Volkswagen. We have. We just like Honda.

[B]

Volkswagen. I'm picturing, like, that Clark Griswold.

[A]

Station. Oh, my God, Chrissy. Everyone's packed into the car and, you know, buckling them all up. You got. Everyone's got a seat, so you got a buckle and, you.

[B]

Know. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. They're all constrained so tightly. It's kind of weird, actually. And everyone looks a hot mess. And I am now exhausted. Like, just, of course, exhausted. And I'm thinking to myself, God damn angel I have on my side with Astrid. Please do not let that plane fall out of the sky. Please, please. Because I need her desperately for so many reasons, personal and selfish, not to mention the children just need Astrid because she is so good at this. And I, you know, I. I've had some friends who've been single mothers. And I always knew it was tough, and I spent a lot of time with them, and a couple of them I dated. And I knew just how tough it was because I saw them, but they were older children that could take care of themselves, like, shit and wash and clean, you know, all the things. Feed themselves and do all that. And I always thought to myself, I am really admiring how much it takes to be a single parent. And just a 15 hour window made me understand that it would be almost impossible to do this by yourself. Almost.

[B]

Impossible. So, yes, I.

[A]

Agree. We're in the car, I got everybody buckled up, which is like a 10 minute thing to do, right? And I start pulling out of the driveway. And my daughter, same one with the hair and now the frozen dress with the bright pink, you know, leggings on, goes, daddy, do we need to do this one? She's completely unbuckled. And I'm like, oh, yes. This is the second time this has happened in two months, by the way. One time, Astrid and I were in the car and we took this, like, long trip somewhere, and we got home, and when we get home, Astro's like, the kid, the. The daughter. My daughter goes, I made it the whole ride without this. And we were like, oh, they.

[B]

Do have a lot of.

[A]

Buckles. Yeah, there's a lot of buckles. Yes, well. And all of them have buckles. And I just forgot this one, you know, what are you gonna do? I figured, you know, 17 out of 18 isn't bad, right? It's not bad. I have a pretty good batting.

[B]

Average. Just the safety feature.

[A]

Right? Yeah, just the part that actually keeps them in the chair should an accident occur, is not buckled, but she's in her seat, technically.

So we drive up to that school and we are the first ones there for drop off, which is great. I'm like, this is amazing. Look at.

[B]

Me. Look at me. I did.

[A]

It. I am thinking my day is over. Everything. I just did it. It's got a couple hours in the afternoon to make it, and that's it. Right Now I can just take the baby home. The one that doesn't go to school, I just take the baby home. Noemi is there. She can help me a little bit. We get lunch prepared for the kid. Everything will be fine. Now I get to that school, and the teachers come out, and they're all in pajamas. So everybody's in pajamas. The teachers come out to grab the kids from the carpool line, and I get them out, and the teacher, who happens to be One of my son's actual homeroom teacher is like, oh, wow. Everybody looks so nice.

And I'm like, yep, I did it all myself. Asher went to Miami today. She goes, I noticed. I thought. I thought to myself, this is. Is. This is not the normal. This is not what I usually see. I know you dropped them off a lot, but normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals. Okay. It's okay. I'll take them in. I noticed.

[B]

It. I'll redo the.

[A]

Ponytail. I noticed that when the. My daughter who had the hair incident got home, her ponytail was.

[B]

Redone. I was gonna say, I knew that would happen with the teacher. Come here.

[A]

Honey. Some teacher took pity on her and did it. It.

So I go. We close the door. That was just me and the baby in the car. And the second that we leave, that baby has a holy meltdown. Probably because she knows now it's just me with daddy. I'm. Leave me at school. I know I've never been, but today could be my first day. Don't leave me alone with him. She's screaming to the teachers, like, help.

I haven't even had my milk this morning.

Oh, my God. We get home, and thank the Lord there's another mother in the house, Noemi, who is a mother herself. And she, like, as soon as I walk in the door, by the way, Noemi's just standing there like this with her hands up. Give her to me before you kill her. Give her to me. That's just.

[B]

Best. It's time I take.

[A]

Over. Yeah. It's like those cop movies where at the end, everyone's pointing guns at each other, and some cop is like, put the gun down. Just put it down. It's not worth it. You don't want to do this right now. That's how Noemi was. Put her down. Just put it. Give her to me. Yeah, come on. Just give it to me. Put her on the ground.

So she does. I do a little bit of work, you know? Yeah. I come back, I put her for a nap, and now all of a sudden, it's time to put the kids up from school. I literally did two things, and now it's time to pick the kids up from school. And I'm like, geez, that went fast. I was hoping I get a nap and right. Whack off. I don't know. I just do something. I could do something while Astrid isn't here. I could look at my, you know, old pictures of Sears catalogs and jerk off in there. I don't Know something.

[B]

Cool. A little nap right.

[A]

After. I know I barely had time to shower. Now I gotta go right back out the door. It's amazing. It's amazing. I go, I pick up the kids, you know. Hey, kids, how was school? You know, I. I noticed that the ponytail was redone, the socks were put in the appropriate place.

And the kids ate every bit of their lunch, by the way. They never do that. There is always some bit of food left. And we're always kind of fussing at them, like, you got to eat all your food. Like, what are you doing? You know, you gotta eat. Nope, not this time. Every bit of the lunch was gone because they didn't get a proper breakfast because they didn't like what daddy was serving them. They were so hungry by the time lunch came that they had to eat every little bit. Yes. So now we gotta go, we gotta get home, we gotta hang out for a minute, get a little snack, and then we gotta go to activities. Gymnastics, ballet. That's on the. That's on the agenda for today, right? I gotta get them there by a certain time. Time. So Noemi helps me get the hair done again. We dress up inappropriate. Like, I had to. I had to take a phone call probably about maybe 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave. I finished that phone call when I came out. Noemi is getting them all dressed, so. And I didn't even ask her to do this.

[B]

Noemi. She just.

[A]

Knew. She knew. She's like, this guy is just. Poor dude. He. He was really left to the wolves here. Even though I have a note, messages, you know, videos showing me how. Tutorials from Astrid on the iPad. I can't do any of it. I'm like, I'm pretty. I'm pretty. I'm getting like a D minus here. On. On. They're alive. So that gives me a passing grade, but.

[B]

Barely. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. We get into the car, we drive down. Not very far. We drive down and we go to this big, you know, like a. A neighborhood gym. Gymnasium is what it is, right? The local gymnasium where they have all the activities. And they're both supposed to be there at the exact same time. One of them for a 45 minute class, one of them for a 55 minute. I don't know how Aster does this, but the first person I drop off is ballet. I'm like, ballet. And I get there and I know one of the ladies because they. The kids go to school together. So it's like we're all friendly. Yeah. So she happens to be there And I'm like, oh, thank God. And so I'm like, listen, can you just hang out here with this one for a minute while I go take that one? And she's like, oh, is today the day? Astrid's. And she said, you might need some help.

And I'm like, what, is there, like, a special board for moms to talk about when dads are going to up?

[B]

Yes. She Astor alerted everyone, as her alerted.

[A]

Everyone. So I go. I take the other one. I take, you know, my son over to his gymnastics class. I run back over to the other side of the building where my daughter is taking this ballet class. And now there's, like, you know, five mothers that are. That are there for the kids with the girls with the ballet class class. And they're all like, oh, where's Astrid? And I'm like, oh, she. You know, she's down in Miami today. And they're like, oh, do you need anything? Can I help you out with anything? And I'm like, yeah, could you take them? Right? Can you just take them? And I'll go pick up Astrid and I'll come back and get him later.

So the whole. And here's. Here's a funny part. So this lady that we know who is super sweet and we love her, she knows that we have the podcast. We've been over this person's house for dinner, and her husband and I. And I like them both. They're really cool people. Like, I'm standing. There's a seat here, and then there's the window where you can look in here. And there's a. It's like in this big hallway, and there's all these mothers that are crowded around, not only for the ballet class, but for other classes. All these mothers, mainly mothers. I don't see another dude in the mix, right? It's all moms. And everyone's chatting and chatting and chatting, and this lady that I know starts talking to me, and she starts talking about the show, right? Like, oh, I remember you had this episode. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Chrissy. I have never run so fast in my entire life. I. It's only seven steps away, but I took those seven steps so quick right toward her, and I was like, in her face, whispering. I'm like, yeah, that was a good episode. We should probably not say anything else about.

[B]

It. Yeah, let's just drop it here.

[A]

In front of people that. In the community that probably aren't going to like the show. Don't talk about it. It's like the incubus don't talk about the incubus.

So I'm darting back and forth between the two classes. Classes. And now I see that my son has gone in this huge gymnasium where they have, like, real gym meets, right? He has gone behind this big curtain with the class. My daughter gets done first. I grab her. We go, we sit. We were waiting on these bleachers, but I can't see my son because he's behind this big curtain with a bunch of the other kids. And I'm like, this is fine. I'll sit here. I'll watch. You know, I'll see them when they come back to go up the stairs, to come near the bleachers and go out the door. I'll see them. No problem. Problem. So I'm sitting there. My daughter runs up to see somebody she know, you know, she's like, oh, my friend's up there. Can I go? Yeah, go. You know, you go sit up there. Blah, blah. I'm sitting there. I'm just waiting. I'm watching. I'm so exhausted, But I'm like, okay, I'll see him when he comes. I know what he's wearing, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, he's supposed to be done at 410. 410 comes and goes. Now it's like 4 12, 4 13. And now I see outside that there's a bunch of parents are grabbing their kids from these activities. And I'm like, I didn't see him. Where did. Where is. Is he? And now I'm getting a little bit.

[B]

Concerned. Of course.

[A]

Yeah. So I say, hey, daughter, come down here. Let me. You know, we got to go find your brother. And so I'm walking around now. I'm walking around the building now. It's like, 4:15, 4:16, 417. And I'm like, oh, my God. Where. Where did he go? Like, is he done? Is he not done? Is he behind the curtain? And then I go and I look where they put their shoes. Like, for the activities, they put their shoes. And I can see his shoes are still there, but he is not there. And I'm nowhere. He's nowhere. And there's hundreds of people walking around this building. And it's a big.

[C]

Building.

[A]

Yeah. And I have. For just one minute, for just a minute, I have an absolute panic attack. Yeah. This is the worst feeling in the world. Yeah. And I've never really had this moment with my children. Astrid had the exact same situation happen a couple months ago, but I've never had it. And I am panicked now. I'm holding my daughter. I'm running around the gymnasium like a madman. Like, where is my son? Has anybody seen my. My son? You see my son, he's got socks up to his knees. Have you seen him? He's got. He's got my Christmas socks on.

And parents, what I like about most parents is they get concerned with you, right? They're like, did you find him? Do you know where he is? You see him? What's he wearing? And so I'm like, oh, gosh, where is he? Where is he? Now I'm thinking about running down on the gym mat where all these, like, professional athletes are. I mean, these girls that are like 13, 14 years old, they're like real deal gymnasts. They're doing 40 flips in the air, and they're. And they're all practicing for a big meet that's tomorrow. And so I. I didn't give a. I'm like, I'm going down there, I'm walking through that mat, and I'm going to go find my kid. I'm going to ask that coach where he dropped my kid off, right? And so I run into the gym to go do this. I got my daughter. I'm totally panicked, and all of a sudden, I can feel someone hitting me on my back. And I turn around, and it's my son. And he's upset because he's like, daddy, I didn't know where you were. And there's a lady with him, and she's like, he was in the ladies restroom. And I was like, what? And she goes, he was in the ladies restroom looking for his mommy. And I was like, oh. I go, I thank you so much. Like, thank you so much. And I'm like, son, what? Where did you go? And he's like, I didn't see you. So I thought maybe mommy took the other one to go to the bathroom. It was confusing. I went in the boys bathroom. I went in the girls bathroom. I checked over there. And I was like, oh, my God. So he is freaking, right? He's. He's stressing hard. He's like, I didn't see you. And. And I. I'm like, oh, my God. Son, you went. Stay with the shoes. When in doubt, stay with the shoes. You can't talk to strangers. He's like, I had to talk to a stranger because I was in the girl's bathroom.

We get the kids home, I get them bathed, I feed them dinner. And now, everybody, it's time for bed. So I'm like, okay, I'm Gonna start doing the bedtime routine. But it comes apparent and very quickly becomes apparent parent, that I have no idea how to get these kids to bed separately. How do you do that? They're babies. They're children. They're Todd. They're toddlers. Like, how do I put one to bed in a room while the other two are safely somewhere else? You can't do that. You have to keep your eyes on them all the time. So we all had to stay up till Mommy got home. And everyone was tired and upset, stressed, and all they wanted was Mommy. So I am literally watching her Uber from the airport, and I'm giving updates, and they're asking me every three minutes, where's mommy? And I'm like, she's 38 minutes away. And one of my kids goes, that's so long.

And I'm like, has it been that bad with me? Yes. That's his response. Yes. Well, fuck you, too. There you go. How do you like that? You think the last five years with you has been all dandy? Now's an episode of Curb youb Enthusiasm. We're, like, yelling at each other, take everybody out. I push them out on the front porch. And I say, fine, let's all wait for Mommy right.

[B]

Here. Let's go.

[A]

Outside. Let's go outside. We'll wait for Mommy. I know I want her just as bad as you do. Let's just go outside and wait for her. So we are literally all outside. Everyone's dancing because they know Mommy's coming.

[B]

Home. Mommy's about.

[A]

Us. Here comes mom in the Uber. She's gonna save our life and feed us some actual food. Oh, here comes mom, the one who's raising us. Let's get rid of this bum in the back.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. And I have to admit my defeat. I just have to admit my defeat. I'm like, okay, I didn't do a great job. What do you want? You're still alive. You almost got kidnapped. I'm pretty sure I pulled most of your hair out. You didn't get fed. But you know what? While you're alive, that's better than some people. That's better than Biscuit the dog from the South Dakota governor or whatever his name was. Biscuit or Cricket. When that Uber pulled up, let me tell you, I didn't even care that my kids were running into the driveway.

They're all like, ah, poor Astrid has just had a day in Miami. And she's like.

And I don't care one bit. I was just as happy to see her I was like, God damn, woman, you can never do this again. I know. Now she's planning a girls trip and I'm like, the hell you will. The hell you will. You better get your parents down here, cuz that's the only way that trip's happening. I'm telling you. What?

Oh, it all's well that ends well.

[B]

Yes. Yes. Astrid's back. Back on the.

[A]

Job.

[B]

And.

You have a whole new.

[A]

Appreciation. I love her. I love her so much. It's for such good reasons. She is the. She is the engine in this proverbial vehicle. She makes it go. And I don't. I don't. I pour gasoline. Occasion. Yeah. I pour gas in the tank by making some money. Well, not right, right now, but at some point I will.

At some point I'll get a real job and stop with all this.

But you know.

[B]

What? I think we're too far.

[A]

In. Yeah. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. We painted ourselves into a corner.

It's either start another podcast or just be unemployed. The only problem is this company would have to make money for us to collect unemployment.

Can I file for unemployment on my own company? I don't know. Maybe I can. Let's figure it out. Oh, my God. Big props to Astrid, to all the mothers and fathers and single parents out there. You know who you are. This story has probably resonated with you to the bone. To the bone. I know it has. And those of you that don't have children, I'm sorry to bore you with my children's story, but I hope you got a of lot laugh out of it.

[B]

Anyway. Oh yeah, I can picture.

[A]

It. Oh, my God. All right, listen. I know that it's little talked about, but it's a great app. I'd love you to go to the Odyssey app. A U D A C Y. There's a link in our show notes. Go to the Odyssey app. Download that app and listen to us on the Odyssey app. It's our home and we'd love it if you would listen to us through the Odyssey app. And they'd love it if you download the app. So there you go. Also, we want you to be be a part of the show. 212-4333, TCB. That's 12-12-4333 TCB. Toll free from anywhere in the world. Text us or leave us a message. Tell us you want to be on the show. Tell us why you want to be on the show. Someone will get back to you. And set up a time and a date. I can't wait till we do that. I know we're doing. We're starting next week. What we're recording next week. So yeah, also tcb podcast.com that's where you go. More information about the show, all the audience audio, all the video right there at one location. You can also get your free sticker by hitting the contact us button. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on Tick Tock and select episodes for right now on YouTube.com commercial break. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for.

[B]

Today. I think.

[A]

So. But I'll tell you that I love.

[B]

You. I love.

[A]

You. I'll say best to you. Best all those parents out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say.

[C]

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