Michael Tito's Vodka Schlagenhauser (2:01)

The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

Brian (2:09)

Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break.

Brian Green (2:12)

I'm Brian Green. This is the Chrissy to my Brian.

Brian (2:14)

Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best of you, Chrissy, and best of you, Brian.

Brian Green (2:17)

Best of you out there in the podcast universe.

Brian (2:19)

You made it to 700 episodes of the commercial break. It's un fucking believable that this podcast made it to seven episodes, let alone 700 episodes. And you've been here with us for some of it, so thank you very much. We appreciate it. There's a few out there.

Brian Green (2:39)

I think there's a few Tina's one.

Brian (2:41)

Tina might be one that's been listening since the very beginning. And I think there's a couple of others who claim that They've been listening since the beginning, so that's. That's good. I know one or two that write in often, and I think Marianne has probably been around since the beginning. Roxanne has been around since close.

Brian Green (2:58)

From the beginning.

Brian (2:59)

Gustavo has been around. But those are family members, so I don't know if we can count them.

Chrissy (3:02)

Rachel.

Brian (3:03)

Rachel. Rachel's been around since the beginning. Rachel was on at the beginning, actually. She was on episode number, like, I don't know, 10 or 11 or 12 or something like that. Anyway, here we are, 700 episodes into the commercial break. Thank you for all of the love, the support, the kindness, the, you know, downloading on a consistent basis. It has been a wild ride, to say the least. And I don't want to get too celebratory. A thousand episodes, that's when we go fucking bananas. But 700. Every time we hit another hundred, it's amazing. Something to be said for it, of course. We just hit 500, like, three months ago, so now we're at 700. It's also unbelievable how much content we put out. It's really. It's really a grind. It can really be a grind. I mean, not that I'm complaining. We don't dig ditches for a living. It's just anything you do has to be fed. The beast has to be fed. No rest for the weary. That contract does not flex. It just does not flex. And it says we are obligated to be here for a certain amount. Actually, I was the one who told them we would be here for a certain amount of time. So it's kind of my fault. I agreed to it. Odyssey was actually willing to let us be a little bit flexible, but I was like, no, no, no. We'll be here every day for the next 3,300,000 years. Don't worry about it. We'll figure it out.

Chrissy (4:18)

Yeah.

Brian (4:19)

But, hey, you know what? There is something to be said for longevity. I think there's something to be said for reps. Even ChatGPT agrees that the show. The consistent content that is put out on a frequent basis.

Chrissy (4:33)

Consistent, mediocre content.

Brian (4:34)

Yeah, the consistent mediocre content put out on a consistent basis is better or worse than really good content put out just a few times a year. You know, there are some podcasts who literally put out one or two episodes a year. I think there's a very famous podcast. I wish I could remember the name of the guy. He's a famous author. He puts out two podcasts a year, and they're less than 60 minutes each time, and people fiend over them. And sponsors pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to be attached to those two episodes.

Chrissy (5:07)

Let's do that.

Brian (5:08)

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. I mean, if we had that kind of cache, maybe we could. But let's be real. If the last 699 episodes have been any example of what we would put out twice a year, no one's paying $100,000 to be on that show.

Chrissy (5:23)

We could really work on them. You know, we could spend the rest of the year just really working on those.

Brian (5:28)

If I could make the money that we're making now, which would still leave me in debt. But at least we, you know, at least it's something. It's better than some podcasters. If we can make the money we're making now, only putting out two episodes a year, you believe you me, I would be in Mallorca. Well, not on this paycheck, but it's on some paycheck. I would be in Mallorca for three months of the year. I would be at every school if my kids would hate me by the end of it because I would just be lounging around the house. Yeah. Bothering them. Listen, I. You know, there is a small sense of pride about hitting 700. I don't know what it is about the number 700, but it feels like we've really accomplished something. Yeah, I think there are.

Chrissy (6:12)

It's a lot there.

Brian Green (6:13)

I think there have been three and.

Brian (6:15)

A half million podcasts, the individual podcasts that have been put out there. I think if the statistic that I remember correctly is less than 50% of them will make it past episode number 10. Less than 50% of that will make it past episode 50. And the numbers just dwindle after you get past 100. There's just a couple hundred thousand podcasts, I think, that have put out more than 100 episodes. You get up to 700. I don't know. Maybe there's a couple hundred of us.

Chrissy (6:44)

We need to look into that.

Brian (6:46)

We do need to look into that.

Chrissy (6:47)

It's a hard thing.

Brian (6:48)

It is.

Chrissy (6:49)

It's a hard thing to do. And I can only imagine, too, if somebody's doing it by themselves.

Brian (6:54)

Oh, yeah.

Chrissy (6:54)

At least you and I have each other to be accountable to.

Brian (6:57)

Yeah. That doesn't even work all that much. Yeah. Hey, I don't want to record today.

Brian Green (7:01)

Okay.

Chrissy (7:05)

We'll just make it up on another day.

Brian (7:06)

Yeah, we'll just do it on another day. You know, But I was sharing with Chrissy and Tina like, you know, when you do a podcast that is largely dependent on your personality, you do have days where it's just like, I'm not feeling it today. I'm just not feeling. I don't want to be fun. You know, it's kind of like, you know, ready, set, funny. That's hard to do. And that's not obvious by some of the episodes that I don't know what else to tell you. I mean, there's sometimes when it just falls flat, but you get to do another rep tomorrow, and you get to hit it out. You know, you get to. There's one around the corner. This is how I feel about the podcast now. Most of them, I would say 65 to 70% of the shows I find to be okay, listenable. Right? There's like an additional 20 if we're saying 70% are okay listenable. Like, in other words, I think. I think it's worth listening to, but I'm not sure it's the funniest thing or the best thing that ever. There's another 20% of them that I think are funny. They're good episodes.

Chrissy (8:06)

They're belly laughs.

Brian (8:07)

They're belly laughs once or twice in the episode. There's like 10%. So maybe like 70 of our episodes that I think I would consider, like, really good TCB episodes. Shining example of what we can do on our best days. Motivated, not feeling like shit. You know, just all the stars align, something funny comes along, and we hit it out of the park. And I think 60 of those include Frankie B. But anyway, okay, so then there's probably 10 episodes, 10 to 15 episodes of the commercial break that I would think. I would call classic, like, really fucking great episodes of the commercial break. Hitting on all cylinders at all moments. We're just going. We're just. Someone has lit a fire under us, and we're just going. This is not one of those. But we are at 700, so that's how it rolls. But I also know that at any moment, we can hit one of those episodes. So I feel like the more reps that we do.

Chrissy (9:03)

Chasing the dragon.

Brian (9:04)

Yeah, I'm always chasing the dragon. It's like a heroin addiction. I'm always looking for the next. Yeah, I'm always looking for that high. That first line of cocaine, that first hit of acid, that first time you take mushroom, cocoa. Cocoa leaf.

Brian Green (9:16)

Yeah, I'm still up for cocoa.

Brian (9:17)

I'm still up for, you know, someone wants to go into a coca leaf business. Are cocoa leaves illegal to. To. To have to possess I have to imagine they are.

Chrissy (9:27)

Yeah.

Brian (9:27)

I would think, like, unprocessed. Not cocaine, but cocoa leaves. I wonder. I wonder if that's true. We'll have to take a look at that. I know that it's legal. I think it's legal to grow poppy, but I think you have to grow it for, like, food purposes, like the stuff that comes out of heroin, like poppy seeds. So I think you can grow the poppy seeds, but only if you use them for tea. Speaking of poppy seeds, just on a totally different note, did you know that a lot of people buy poppy seeds in bulk and then make tea out of it to get high? Isn't that weird? Yeah, that seems like a lot of effort. I don't like effort getting high. Like, I want Dee to show up at the front door. Yeah. I didn't even like leaving my house to get the drugs. Like, I had someone come to me and I paid extra for that, a lot extra for shitty drugs that came, you know, to my house. But Anyway, I digress. 700 episodes, Chrissy. Congratulations.

Chrissy (10:15)

I'm going to go to Mexico soon and I'm going to investigate the cocoa.

Brian (10:18)

Leaf thing, though, and whether or not you can bring them back. Why are they legal in Mexico?

Chrissy (10:23)

I don't know.

Brian (10:24)

Oh, okay.

Chrissy (10:24)

You can investigate.

Brian (10:25)

They are illegal here. They're a Schedule 2 substance.

Brian Green (10:29)

You have to have clearance from the.

Chrissy (10:30)

DEA to grow the plant that makes sense.

Brian (10:31)

To grow the plant, to own it, to have them. Okay, I imagine. Don't bring him back, Chrissy. Don't bring him back. Well, that's just. I love you. That was kind of weird. He's like, I'm gonna go to Mexico and investigate.

Brian Green (10:43)

Why? Why not investigate?

Chrissy (10:46)

Because I don't think I could get my hands on any here. That's what I was.

Brian (10:49)

Oh, yeah. I don't think you could probably get any in Mexico. It's gotta be legal in Mexico, too. But I'm sure it's more likely that you could get your hands on some in Mexico. Like, I don't think there's any drug dealers running around with cocoa leaves in their pocket, you know? Hey, man, you got that cocoa leaf and that's good. Yeah. You could clean them out of their jaws, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chrissy (11:11)

Like reboiling the same tea leaves.

Brian Green (11:14)

Yeah, but you'll.

Brian (11:15)

You'll lose your teeth. That's the. That's the part about it.

Chrissy (11:17)

You'll lose your teeth with it.

Brian (11:19)

Well, here is a fun fact that I believe is actually true. So this will count as something that I said that might be a fact. Novocaine is a derivative of cocaine of the. Of it has the same structure as cocaine. That's the reason why it numbs your mouth. And that's also the reason why your doctor might say to your dentist might say to you, you may feel your heart race a little bit after I give you this shot of Novocaine. It may raise your blood pressure a little bit. Is because it's doing some of the same things that cocaine does to your body. So essentially we are still using this cocaine, you know, some derivative of cocaine in our medical procedures because it does provide, you know, anesthesia. Some people say it takes care. You know that when you go to another thing that my dad told me, when you go to, say, Peru, because parts of Peru are a mile above sea level.

Chrissy (12:13)

Yes.

Brian (12:14)

They will give you cocaine tea. Yeah. Tea made of cocoa leaves. Yeah. And. And my dad went to a hotel once where they prepared it like turn down service. They prepared it for you because you could get altitude sickness and they wanted to prevent you, you know, they were trying to help you from, from getting altitude sickness. I don't want that before my turn down service because I'm never turning down. You know what I'm saying? I'm turning right up. Let's turn up service.

Brian Green (12:36)

Turn up for what?

Brian (12:38)

But, you know, it's a product that's used throughout the. Anyway, whatever.

Chrissy (12:41)

You know, I think apparently at Machu Picchu, they give it to you or used to give it to you on your ascent up.

Brian (12:48)

Oh, I just read a story about a couple that broke up while going to Machu Picchu, which I think is a weird place to break up. Like, the guy broke up with somebody in Machu Picchu. He was like, I didn't, I didn't want to date her. And I didn't know what to say. We ended up on the trip and I thought, well, Machu Picchu would be a good place. It's like macho pizza. You're going to break up with somebody Machu Picchu, just text her, bro, that's you. Listen, that's a story you don't want getting around that you broke up with somebody while you were on a trip to Machu Picchu, one of the most remote places on earth, by the way, doesn't it? It's not like you just like zipping on a car up onto Machu Picchu. Didn't take like three days to get up there or something. Right. You have to. I think it takes a little while. Yeah. Anyway, I know that there's a squirrely motherfucker or two out there who grow cocoa leaves. There's gotta be here in the United States. I mean, I don't know how you grow them or you get a hold of cocoa seeds, but you know there's a squirrely son of a bitch out there.

Chrissy (13:44)

You would think so?

Brian (13:45)

Yeah. Because you know, if you look at it, I don't even know what a cocoa plant looks like. I think it just looks like a plant, like a fern. So you know what we should do? Go to Mexico, get yourself a hold of some, you know, cocoa stems. Like, you know, just pluck a couple out of the ground or find somebody who can do that for you. Bring it back, say it's a fern and let's start growing them in my house as ferns. And then, you know, the kids will never go to sleep. They hate chewing on the ferns. It kind of does look like a fern, doesn't it?

Chrissy (14:14)

I'll investigate.

Brian (14:14)

It looks like a bay leaf. Looks like a bay leaf.

Brian Green (14:16)

Yeah.

Brian (14:17)

See, I told you we should have these right next to the bay leaf. I think you're onto something in the publix. Yeah, yeah, I back it. Uh huh. Uh huh. I'm just going to make. Let's bring them back and put them in a bay leaf package. No one will be the wiser. Except for the drug dog.

Chrissy (14:29)

They're bay leaves.

Brian (14:29)

Yeah, I use it in my stew. That's right. I don't want you to get a. I don't want you to get an anal cavity search like I had that one time. So don't bring bay leaves back. Okay, I'm going to need you because we need to get on with the next 700 episodes. We're about to sign another contract. This time I might be a little smarter and I might say, well, I promise to try.

Brian Green (14:50)

How's that?

Brian (14:51)

I'm gonna put it in the verbiage in the contract. I promise to try to make these many episodes per year. It's been a ride. It's been a ride.

Chrissy (15:01)

It has a lot of good times.

Brian (15:05)

How do you feel the evolution of the podcast has taken hold?

Chrissy (15:09)

Good.

Brian (15:11)

Well, we'll be here for the next couple days, folks.

Chrissy (15:14)

Take a sip of water.

Brian (15:16)

Okay? Take your sip of the.

Chrissy (15:18)

I should be sipping champagne. We should be celebrating.

Brian Green (15:20)

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Brian (15:21)

A thousand. We'll go for a thousand. We'll do a bottle of champagne. That's when you get to drink. Chrissy at a thousand.

Chrissy (15:26)

I should have brought the same pain.

Brian (15:28)

What is your perspective on the evolution of the podcast over the last 700 episodes. Yeah.

Chrissy (15:34)

Yeah.

Brian (15:35)

Cool. Cool.

Chrissy (15:38)

I mean, I don't know. It started off with us telling crazy stories, and we're still doing that.

Brian (15:43)

Yeah, we're still doing that. Remarkably, there's still a story or two.

Chrissy (15:46)

Left in us and dissecting videos, and we're still doing added in some interviews, which I love. Yeah, very interesting.

Brian (15:54)

I think that's been a. I think that's probably been one of the biggest changes about the content is the interviews. And it's something that I found myself really enjoying. I haven't enjoyed every moment of every interview, but I've enjoyed in general having people come in and breaking up the content a little bit and allowing us to talk and find other people's perspectives and, you know, just talk over the guests, as Bob would say.

Chrissy (16:17)

Yeah. Learning about different people.

Brian (16:19)

Yeah. I think the first. You know, if I had to, like, if. Let's say that. Let's pretend we were doing a documentary. Right. Like a VH1 behind the podcast, behind TCB. TCB, behind the podcast. And the interviewer was like, you know, tell us about your journey on the podcasting. I would say that for the first 10 or 15 episodes, I had a loose thought that this would be kind of sketch comedy satire, and maybe a little bit of improv. I felt like maybe we could structure it a little bit. And at times we tried, but that was work. Yeah, but that was work. It was work, and it felt constricting. And I don't feel that I found the funny in, like, when I was doing the bits. I remember that for the first 20 or 30 episodes, that was fun because I got to manufacture that out of whole cloth, but it took a lot of time, and I had to write everything down, and I had to practice. And then I had to do it over again. It took hours to create those things, sometimes days to create those things. And so. And then when I tried to structure the show, like, put more structure to the actual content of the show, I found the more that I put structure to it, the less I felt there was freedom to have fun with it. I always felt like we had to hit the next beat. Hit the next beat. Hit the next beat. So then after 50 episodes, I think it got really loose. And I would say that, you know, in that hundred to 200 range, I think we relied a lot on other people to bring the funny. And I don't mean other people like guests. I mean, like videos, right? Yes, we're doing a whole lot of videos. I think the nature of the podcast, really, quite frankly, there, I think for like, a string of a hundred episodes, I would say that 70 of them had videos in them. We were doing a video every single day. But also we're only doing two episodes a week, so it was a little bit different. Right. We, you know, and even then, I found that the improv was where the freedom was to have some fun and to be funny. So by the time we turned the corner on, like, episode number 350, I felt like I. At least from my sitting in my chair, I felt like the. The podcast had a personality. I don't know necessarily what that was kind of goofy and ADHD and all over the place, but I felt like it had a personality, and all we needed to do was just have the freedom to find the funny, and eventually we would get there. It might take us 10 or 15 episodes, but we would find a good episode in there somewhere. Yeah. And I think after episode, like, let's say 500, I felt like we knew what we were doing. We could turn on the microphone, we could figure out an hour of content. We could talk, you know, incessantly for 45 straight minutes and not have to worry about it. And now at episode number 700, you know, I think the episode has a following. I think the commercial break has a following. I think there are people who really enjoy hearing us talk for whatever crazy reason.

Chrissy (19:07)

Yeah.

Brian (19:07)

And I think the. The podcast has taken on a personality of its own.

Chrissy (19:12)

Our little baby is growing up.

Brian Green (19:13)

Then Brian died in a tragic cream and cereal accident, chewing cocoa leaves with.

Brian (19:21)

His cream and cereal. Brian had a massive coronary right there at the kitchen table.

Brian Green (19:26)

His children cried, but the listeners did not, for their long suffering is over. The commercial break, the worst podcast ever.

Brian (19:40)

Yeah. That's how I feel about the podcast. I feel like it's taken on a life of its own. There is a weird thing that has happened with the commercial break that I've. Over the last 50 episodes, I've really noticed it does have a life of its own. There are people out there who really enjoy the show, and they have.

Chrissy (20:00)

God bless you.

Brian (20:01)

I know. God bless you. Seriously.

Chrissy (20:03)

Thank you.

Brian (20:04)

What are you thinking? What are you doing? What are you doing with your life when you're just listening to us? I mean, I thank you from the bottom of my heart because it provides us a living, but I cannot imagine. I never listen. I mean, when I'm editing, I listen to parts of our episode, but I used to listen to every episode because I wanted to hear it and I wanted to Listen to what we were doing and see if we could it better. I gave up on making it better. I just decided I don't need to listen to it. I just did it. What do I need to listen to it for?

Chrissy (20:32)

Raw dog it.

Brian (20:34)

Yeah. Thank you, Chrissy. Raw dog it. Exactly.

Brian Green (20:37)

Exactly.

Chrissy (20:40)

That's our new tagline.

Brian (20:42)

Raw.

Chrissy (20:42)

Just raw it. Yeah, just raw dog it.

Brian (20:44)

Raw dog Chrissy and Brian. Raw dog you. Every Tuesday through Friday. We're going in bald, baby. Going in bald. No hat needed. Yeah. That should be our new tagline. Raw dog it with the commercial break.

Chrissy (21:04)

Yes. I like it. Those have changed the commercial break.

Brian (21:07)

We jizz on it.

Chrissy (21:08)

Our taglines have certainly changed.

Brian (21:10)

Oh, my God. We have a tagline every 50 episodes. We find something different.

Chrissy (21:13)

It's not for everyone.

Brian (21:14)

It's not for everyone. Thank God we don't do that anymore. I'd have to add we raw dog it to the end of that. Welcome back to another episode. This the commercial break. Hey, it's not for everybody, but at least it's free. Bad news or fiction. 15 minutes or less or your money back. Go to tcbpodcast.com to collect your earnings. TCB. We raw dog it. Raw dog it with the commercial break. Brian and Chrissy.

Chrissy (21:44)

The intro would just be the whole first segment.

Brian (21:46)

Oh, yeah, it was. Well, that was also a way to kill minutes. I mean, I think we were doing three minutes of Intro for about 180 episodes there. Brian was just blabbering on, you know.

Brian Green (21:57)

If you know, you know, I K N y K D. Yeah, you know, oh, my God.

Brian (22:02)

I was on Instagram the other day and the worst offender of iknykydy or whatever that is. If you know, you know, the worst offender literally put it four stories in a row. I k. Whatever that is. If you know, you know, if you know, you know, if you know, you know, if you know, you know, showing an inside of a random bar or restaurant on every photo and it's like, well, I don't know, because not everybody lives in your fucking town. So why don't you let us know so that way we're in on the joke. Also, this must be the coolest place on earth. If you know, you know are the only people that know. Like, I'd like to know too. Can you let me in? Doesn't have the name of the place. Doesn't say why they're there. Doesn't give any information about why or why or why not. It's cool or not. It's like, it's so dumb. And then Astrid puts it on our Instagram post just to piss me off.

Chrissy (22:53)

She does?

Brian (22:53)

Astrid, you're fired. After 700 episodes, Astrid's fired. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back celebrating 700 with 700. I'll explain after this break.

Rachel (23:08)

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast is.

Pat Robertson (23:15)

Can continue.

Rachel (23:16)

Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library, audio and video, just in case you want to look at kissy@tcbpodcast.com Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Tell us how much you love us, and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now, I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors. And then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break.

Brian (24:06)

Yeah, we're doing a little math here in the studio. So 3.5 to 4 million podcasts that have since it started 2009, 2010, only. Tina did some research. Only two and a half percent of those have made it past episode 300, which in the most liberal of math, probably put somewhere in the neighborhood of 8,000 that have been over 300. There's no specific stats on over 300, so it doesn't. They don't. They're not really tracking that. But you have to imagine that if you double that, at least half of those are out. At least half of those are out the door. And then you add some more, I would say we're probably one of a couple thousand that have gotten to episodes number 700. And if we get to a thousand, which if we're here and we're kicking and the fans are still listening to us. Fans, the listener. I hate saying that word. Hate saying that word. If the listeners are still here, then we will. I think we will win just because we did it for this long, you know what I'm saying? I mean, at some point, Joe Rogan just became famous because he was 7,000 episodes in, and people were like, there's so much of Joe Rogan that how can I ignore it? Do you know what I'm saying? We will win just by staying steady, staying the course. Mediocre all the way. Doesn't matter. The only 15 episodes are good. We're going to keep on going. We'll add a 16th by episode 1000. I promise, when we get to episode 1000, at least 0.15% of our episodes will be ones you want to listen to. Also, I wanted to say this, and I didn't. I kind of got lost in my thought, which happens often here. The podcast has taken a life of its own. And for the listeners who, at least the ones that interact with us, it's interesting to see what the podcast means to them, how it affects them in their daily life, how when they listen, they get a giggle or it helps them through their workday, or it's helping them through a divorce or whatever the situation may be. The stories are endless, but that, to me, feels like, you know, I don't feel like we're saving little kittens from trees, but we're doing something. We're doing something. Brian's ranting all the time about something or other. Brian's getting more miserable in his old age. And you're listening. Okay, I guess we're all going to get cranky together. Let's do that. 700 episodes. Chrissy, there's only one other content creator that I can think of where the number 700 really means something. And that's, of course, the 700 Club. Yes, yes, the venerable morning show that is paid, bought and paid for on your local cbs, NBC. Your own personal Jesus. Your own personal Jesus.

Brian Green (26:40)

That's a good one.

Brian (26:41)

That's a good way to put it. It's your own personal Jesus. The televangelists that have enough money to take over an hour of morning television every day. And it's not because the network wants that content. It's because they pay for that airtime. The 700 Club, of course, is headed up, or was headed up, I think. Now his son does it by the Robertson family, Pat Robertson and his whole Pat Robertson Ministry bullshit. He's one of the few televangelists from the 80s that kind of survived the downfall of all the 80s televangelists who were in some way, shape or form absconding with cash. So I guess you give Him a little bit of credit there, but Pat Robertson has got to be one of the biggest idiots that ever lived in this entire world. He's dead now, and, you know, I'm not going to dance on somebody's grave, but I don't miss him. Because he was a bigot, a racist, an interpreter of the Bible in any which way. He saw fit to twist the words to make sure that it fit his narrative. And his narrative was always crooked. It was always wrong, it was always weird. And Pat Robertson was an old kook, if you ask me. He was just a weirdo. He was an old kook. I mean, he was. He was an old coot. Somebody said to me the other day, they go, he's an old coot. And I go, what's a coot?

Brian Green (27:58)

He goes, I don't know.

Brian (27:59)

It's a crazy person. I said, okay, I call him a kook, not a coot. But anyway, he's an old kook. The guy was just a looney Tune. And he. And he had been for years. And the older he got, the more strange he got. Him and that Kenneth Copeland, they're both just got old and got crazier than they ever have been. And it's just amazing to me the way that he takes scripture and he interprets it. He one time told a man wrote in and asked if he should divorce his wife who had Alzheimer's because he didn't recognize her anymore. And Pat said yes, if she was still in her right mind, she would agree that you needed to go on and find a wife who could, you know, fulfill her wifely duties. And unfortunately, the time was up for whatever. I mean, just a crazy AIDS had caused, you know, or, I don't know, the tsunami. And the hurricane was coming for Florida because that's where the gay people live. I mean, the guy was just all over the place. Terrible human being. Terrible human being. But there is comedy in some of these situations, as we found over our 700 episodes. I waited respectfully at least a year or two after Pat Robertson died, but now I think it's fair game. I think it's probably fair game the day after he died. But you know what? Here we are, the CBN network, the 700 Club. Let's review one of my favorite segments with Pat, which was one. Pat took phone calls and answered questions. You ready?

Chrissy (29:26)

Yes.

Brian Green (29:26)

I was trolling on the Internet, as you do.

Brian (29:29)

As I do like to do. Here's some 700 club. Oh, is there. Do we have that on mute? Let's. Yeah, let's Try that again. Huh, that's weird. Oh, there we go.

Caller (29:42)

Some life's biggest issues, such as why does God heal some and not others? How can you love a toxic family member? Do pets go to heaven? Has the Ark of the Covenant been found?

Brian Green (29:55)

Yes, it has.

Chrissy (29:55)

The Ark of the Covenant.

Brian Green (29:56)

Indiana Jones number four.

Brian (29:58)

It was found. Actually, the first Indiana Jones Ark of the Covenant was found.

Caller (30:02)

What about Noah's Ark and more. Your questions take center stage.

Brian (30:06)

Look at this stock photography guy on the phone very concerned about whether or not the Ark of the Covenant has been found. Hey, Jim, it's me, Bob. Hey, did they find the Ark of the Covenant? I got a meeting later on today. I need the answer all show long on today's 700 Club showing young people on the telephone. You know, hey, what up, flippity flop.

Brian Green (30:28)

Jizzity jizz, I'm on fleek. Did they find you out at the Covenant yet?

Brian (30:37)

Well, I think Pat got liberal in his old age because there was stock photography of a black person. So there you go. The times do change. Old coots get a little less cootie in their old age. You know what I'm saying?

Pat Robertson (30:51)

Welcome, folks. It's wonderful.

Brian Green (30:53)

Oh, look, he's back. Tales from the Crypt.

Chrissy (30:56)

Wow, like the Crypt Keeper.

Brian (30:58)

He is the Crypt Keeper.

Chrissy (31:00)

You talking blue sweater?

Brian (31:01)

Yeah, this is right before he died, by the way. I think this is from 2020 and. Or 2021 or something like that. But that blue sweater is something straight out of Mr. Rogers. And that face is something straight out of hell. I mean, listen, everyone's going to get old and. And nasty at some point. It just happens to us, right? Could have happened to a nicer person, let's put it that way.

Pat Robertson (31:22)

Be back with you at this particular place and to talk today about your questions and hopefully some honest answers.

Brian Green (31:30)

And hopefully my chin don't fall off. Hopefully my jaw don't separate from my face.

Pat Robertson (31:37)

You call from all over America and you left your voicemail. Questions today we're going to hear your voices on the air. And I will do my best to answer.

Brian Green (31:50)

I'll do my best to offend as many people as possible so I can make the news tomorrow. That's what he did. He'd like to make the news, Chrissy.

Chrissy (32:00)

And it really is true how the ears get bigger.

Brian Green (32:02)

The ears got huge. Have you not noticed? Brian's ears are getting big. Cause he's a sinner, Chrissy. A sinner.

Pat Robertson (32:10)

Wendy's here with us, the lovely lady. And she.

Brian Green (32:13)

She's got tits.

Pat Robertson (32:14)

I enjoy just Back from the Ukraine. She's been in the war zone.

Brian Green (32:18)

Wendy, there's so many killings and murders going on.

Caller (32:22)

It wasn't the same without you. Because you and I were in the war zone in Israel one time.

Pat Robertson (32:26)

But if the smell of coordinated in there, it's no fun, but it's good.

Brian Green (32:31)

To smell of dead bodies. Doesn't get you going. I don't know what will.

Brian (32:37)

She's like, I smell a dead body.

Brian Green (32:39)

Right now, I think it's yours, Pat.

Caller (32:41)

Pat. Great to have Pat with us today. And we've got a question. We're going to start with Patricia. She's from Hawthorne, California.

Rachel (32:48)

Go ahead.

Caller (32:50)

My question is, can people get saved when they're on their deathbed and go to heaven? Because I'm confused there. Because in that case we could all just sin our whole lives and then just get saved when we're ready to die. Could you please clear up that question?

Brian Green (33:07)

Well, that's what I'm hoping for, Katherine. That's what I'm hoping for.

Chrissy (33:10)

Damn it. I wanted to sin all of this my life, but I didn't.

Brian Green (33:14)

She's like, my husband is a fuck nut and he been sinning his entire life and now claims he wants to be saved. Can you please explain why he's gonna go to hell?

Caller (33:23)

Confusion for me. Thank you, Pat.

Brian (33:25)

Clear up the confusion for me. Like Pat knows.

Brian Green (33:28)

Like anybody knows.

Pat Robertson (33:29)

Yeah, well, the thing of it is, you never know when you're going to die. So if you decide you want to spend your life sinning, death may come sooner than you thought. But you remember the thief on the cross, he said to Jesus, he said, remember me, Lord, when you come into your kingdom. And Jesus said, this day you will be with me in paradise. So the answer.

Brian Green (33:52)

Woo hoo. We can all go crazy. I love it. But remember, you never know when you're going to die.

Pat Robertson (33:59)

Yes. He didn't say, have you said the sinner's prayer? Do you go to church? Have you done this? He said this day because it was a confession of faith in Christ. And yes, you could make it on your deathbed, but I wouldn't presume on saying, well, I'll sin boldly, that grace may abound. You know, you don't even.

Brian Green (34:19)

I wouldn't presume. Grace may abound. And Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. I wouldn't presume. Does that answer your question? What did he just fucking say?

Chrissy (34:29)

I don't know.

Brian Green (34:30)

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.

Brian (34:31)

That's what I heard.

Caller (34:33)

Yeah, good advice.

Caller (34:34)

All right.

Brian Green (34:35)

Great advice.

Brian (34:36)

Great advice on the Bobby Brown there, Pat. She has to say that. She's so beholden to him.

Brian Green (34:43)

Thanks.

Caller (34:43)

Scott Phillis from Cincinnati, Ohio has this question for Patrick.

Caller (34:49)

I was calling to ask a question about retirement savings and investing, of course.

Brian (34:55)

Oh, my God.

Caller (34:57)

Perspective on that. And is that important or are we being too worldly when we think that way?

Brian (35:04)

God forbid we'd be too worldly. Phyllis from Cincinnati.

Pat Robertson (35:09)

I don't think there's anything close worldly. I think we're all supposed to manage our affairs properly. And I think we should give to.

Brian Green (35:18)

The church and tithe and buy another airplane and put me in these pretty blue sweaters and get me Viagra and a pretty co host and wheel me around from strip club to strip club when no one's looking. Oh, my teeth fell out.

Pat Robertson (35:31)

Invest for their retirement. There's nothing in the world wrong with that. You know, we, I believe.

Brian (35:41)

Sounds like Daffy Duck.

Pat Robertson (35:45)

The stock market. I believe in investing and I think that we should be intelligent with our hand.

Brian (35:51)

You are one of the richest Christian preachers that has ever lived. Of course you believe. Investing, investing in you. Tithing to the church to make you and your family personally wealthy without taxation. Congratulations, Pat. You have pulled off one of the biggest con jobs in television history.

Pat Robertson (36:14)

Our money. You know, we're stewards and we're stewards of our life. We're stewards of what we do and we're stewards of who we are. So you are a steward and I'm not.

Brian Green (36:28)

I'm a Phyllis, not a steward.

Pat Robertson (36:30)

Remember Jesus said, when you render to Caesar, what's Caesar, you render to God. What's God?

Brian Green (36:35)

When you buy Little Caesars and Little Caesars, then you get pizza with God. Chrissy, just remember those words.

Chrissy (36:40)

You pause it on right where it's his tongue is.

Brian Green (36:43)

Excuse me, my lips are dry. Give Uncle Pat a kiss, Chris. Give Uncle K. Pat a kiss on his penis.

Chrissy (36:54)

Don't let me picture that.

Brian (36:56)

Ah.

Brian Green (36:56)

Do you remember when Pat was a younger man and he had the nipples of a bodybuilder? I'll show you.

Pat Robertson (37:04)

Well, I mean, for example, giving. You've got to have some money to give. The more you get, the more you can give away.

Brian Green (37:09)

The more you get, the more you can give Uncle Pat fur his kisses on his penis.

Pat Robertson (37:14)

That's what I think. And I think God says, look, if you prove me with tithes and offerings, you read Malachi, I'll open the windows of heaven and pour you as such a blessing.

Brian Green (37:23)

You can open the windows with Malachi and pour the water out of the Blessings. Don't you see? Come here. Give Uncle Pat another kiss on the lips. Let me get them. Let me moisten them for you. Don't mind the makeup. It'll come off later.

Pat Robertson (37:43)

What do you do with that blessing? Well, you can give more away. That's the way, I think. Okay.

Chrissy (37:48)

That's right.

Brian Green (37:48)

He found a way to make it a vibe.

Chrissy (37:49)

Oh, he totally did. Found a way to make it give more to us.

Brian (37:53)

Yeah. Give more to the church and less to your.

Brian Green (37:55)

To your family. Hey.

Caller (37:57)

Amen. An interesting question from a viewer in Norfolk, Virginia.

Caller (38:04)

Hello, Pat. I like to think that we live.

Caller (38:06)

At a pretty good time in history.

Caller (38:08)

If you could choose any other time.

Caller (38:09)

Throughout history, when would you want to live?

Brian (38:11)

Oh, here we go.

Pat Robertson (38:14)

You know something? I think this is as good a time as we could possibly have had.

Chrissy (38:19)

By the way, I'm the richest I've ever been.

Brian (38:21)

Yeah, yeah. Pat, you. There's. There's no problem with the time you're living here because you have done very well for yourself. I will say this about Pat and take this for what it's worth, but I think it's important to point out, in 2020, Pat Robertson did correctly predict that Donald Trump would be. There would be attempted assassinations on his life twice. He predicted it would happen in 2020, but he predicted it would happen now. He was wrong about the year. But that. That when I heard that, I was.

Pat Robertson (38:54)

Like, wow, can you imagine? I was thinking today as I was eating, I ate oatmeal for breakfast, and.

Brian Green (39:04)

I'm thinking it runs through me like a hot fire. But, yeah, I love that oatmeal, Chrissy. It just soft and soft, and it's lovely. It's like a. My mother's bosom. And I was thinking the other day, if I could be alive in the time of the Romans, I could have bathed with other men without promiscuity. But I'm not alive then, so I.

Brian (39:27)

Bathe with other men in secrecy.

Brian Green (39:30)

It's just a little bit different, Chris.

Pat Robertson (39:33)

We live in a world of plenty. We have warm clothes. We have beautiful food. We have the abundance of food at the grocery store where you can get. And we have freedom in America.

Brian Green (39:50)

That's right. When you live in Carmel, California, you.

Brian (39:53)

Get anything you want.

Pat Robertson (39:54)

Pat, I really think, you know, heaven is going to be wonderful, but I do think that he's given us a right nice world to live in right now. And I don't think, you know, if I lived at the time of Jesus, I wouldn't have believed in him. And he was an itinerant preacher. And, you know, I wouldn't have believed in him so many. Only a few did. And they had floppy.

Brian Green (40:19)

Floppy, flippity floppy. I believe in Jesus. I wouldn't have believed in them, but I believe in him now. What does he say?

Chrissy (40:25)

I don't know.

Brian (40:26)

He wouldn't have believed in Jesus back then, but he believed in him now. He's too much of a hippie, I think, is what he's saying. He's an itinerant preacher, which I think means.

Chrissy (40:35)

Liberal.

Brian (40:36)

Liberal, yeah, yeah.

Pat Robertson (40:38)

Wait to see the fulfillment of prophecy. Even then. So what time, I believe.

Brian Green (40:44)

What time is it? Lunchtime. I believe. I believe. Oh, what are we doing? We're reading emails. Okay, let me put my teeth back in.

Pat Robertson (40:51)

This is as good a time in this country as you could possibly have. And I'm very grateful that I was born. As was said, I won the ovarian lottery.

Brian Green (41:05)

I'm white and I'm smart and I'm living in heaven.

Brian (41:12)

Yeah. He's so evil.

Brian Green (41:15)

I won the ovarian lottery.

Brian (41:17)

Look at that face. Oh, that's a face of a lover.

Pat Robertson (41:20)

I could have been born in India to a poor family, you know.

Brian (41:27)

How highly offensive. How highly offensive, Pat. You could have been born a different color and poor. You're right, you could have. Now, listen, to defend. What he's trying to say, I think means he's taking some realization that he.

Brian Green (41:45)

In fact, has been lucky in his life.

Brian (41:48)

But since I know Pat Robertson and I've heard all of the terrible things he's ever said as a noted racist and bigot and homophobe, I think he's just pouring more salt in the wounds of people who can't afford a pretty television studio and three private planes.

Caller (42:04)

That's right. And God says he appoints the times and the seasons.

Pat Robertson (42:07)

Exactly.

Caller (42:08)

And so we're all supposed to be here.

Brian (42:11)

That's right.

Caller (42:13)

You know, I love the fashion in the 40s. So if I could go back.

Brian Green (42:16)

I love TradWife. I love TradWife.

Brian (42:20)

It's so awesome.

Caller (42:20)

Fashion wise, I go back to the 40s.

Pat Robertson (42:22)

I don't care about fashions. I care about life and health.

Brian Green (42:26)

I don't care about you, you silly little bitch. Who's this woman talking over me?

Brian (42:32)

Stop it.

Pat Robertson (42:32)

We've had so many breakthroughs in health care and everything. I mean, this has been a wonderful time to live. All right.

Caller (42:39)

Amen.

Brian (42:40)

Amen. I'm trying to keep my job. Amen. Let's move on.

Caller (42:43)

Lee from Kenner, Louisiana, has this question Hello, Pat.

Caller (42:48)

My question for you today is I understand loving unconditionally and to love your neighbor as yourself.

Brian (42:56)

But, but here it goes.

Caller (42:59)

How do you love a family that is very toxic and still glorify God? What boundaries do I have and still walk into Christian values? Thank you.

Brian (43:11)

I can't wait for this one. Watch the hypocrisy flow through the scripture now.

Pat Robertson (43:15)

K. I think you can love them yourself if they've hurt you, if you have all against any, you forgive them. But you don't have to be in the presence of somebody that's toxic. You know, the apostle Paul said you don't even have to eat with certain kind of people. And I think if somebody's a Christian, for example.

Brian Green (43:35)

But if you eat, if you eat with homosexual. Chrissy, Paul says you don't have to eat with a homosexual, but you can lay with a homosexual if, if I'm.

Brian (43:48)

Understanding the scripture correctly.

Brian Green (43:50)

And while Jesus said unconditional love to everyone, there were some conditions on that love. Ezekiel 3.4.4 said, he who has dark skin need not love, he needs a shunning. So just remember that.

Brian (44:03)

And by the way, I need an eyebrow trimming.

Pat Robertson (44:05)

You don't have to expose yourself to people who are unpleasant, who are, you know, they'll, they'll tear you down always. You know, you get in the presence of a negative, thinking, thinking, well, this is terrible. I feel so bad. Isn't the weather awful? I, I, you know, isn't the government terrible? They're all a bunch of crooks. You don't want to listen to that junk. So you're better.

Brian (44:28)

He would not have been a fan of the commercial break.

Chrissy (44:30)

No, not at all.

Pat Robertson (44:32)

It's like, would you want to take a garbage can and pour it on your head?

Chrissy (44:36)

Was that his hand?

Brian (44:37)

Jeez. That was his hand. Oh God.

Chrissy (44:41)

That looked like from Lord of the Rings.

Brian (44:43)

Yeah, Gollum. Yeah, yeah.

Brian Green (44:45)

She puts the passage in the basket every morning.

Pat Robertson (44:49)

The answer is no. So you don't have to be around them. So the fact that they're there in the neighborhood, just, just avoid them. You can go someplace. There are lots of people in America and around the world there are about 7 billion people. So surely you can find companions that are, quote, not toxic.

Brian Green (45:11)

Unconditional love doesn't mean without condition. That's not what that means. It's the, it's not the definition.

Caller (45:18)

From a distance.

Brian Green (45:23)

Is this stupid still sitting next to me? Somebody get my hand.

Brian (45:28)

It fell on the floor.

Brian Green (45:31)

I made a boo boo in my pants. Can I get a Cleanup aisle, too.

Caller (45:35)

From New York City.

Caller (45:37)

Hi, Pat.

Brian (45:38)

My name is Lou.

Caller (45:39)

Is it okay for a Christian to.

Caller (45:41)

Play lotto and play flesh game for.

Caller (45:44)

Money, being that it's legal?

Brian (45:47)

Oh, I'm interested to hear this answer, actually.

Pat Robertson (45:51)

Well, I'm. You know, the question about money is, are you depending on. For example, are you praying? You know, before I came to the Lord, I played poker and I mean, I'd sit there praying to pulled on the inside straight or to get a heart.

Chrissy (46:10)

I'm picturing him at a table with Kenny Rogers.

Brian Green (46:13)

I know. You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them.

Chrissy (46:19)

Praying for an inside strike.

Brian Green (46:21)

Know when to pray for help.

Brian (46:25)

Oh, God, what an interesting life Pat has lived.

Pat Robertson (46:29)

They have a flush.

Caller (46:30)

Did you ever get one?

Pat Robertson (46:31)

I mean, sometimes yes, sometimes no. But I mean, you know, if you put all your money out and you're gambling, that. That is so destructive. But, you know, and I also think it's the wrong way to finance a country or a state with having legal gambling and all these.

Brian Green (46:54)

Sending all the poor people to college and giving them meals before school and helping out with different things. This isn't that, Chrissy.

Brian (47:05)

It's.

Brian Green (47:06)

I just think that's the wrong way to finance things. What you need to do is ask people to send you money in an envelope for holy water that I basically got out of my sink. That is a more better way to go about things, Chrissy.

Pat Robertson (47:23)

Rich quick ski.

Brian (47:25)

What was that?

Chrissy (47:26)

What was that?

Brian (47:28)

No, that wasn't. That wasn't me. Roll it back, roll it back. Roll it. Take your finger, roll it back. Hold on one second. Honestly, I want to hear this. Hold on one second. Yeah, just swipe your finger backward just a little bit. Like over to the left. There you go. Okay, one more time. Just swipe it over to the left. Okay, listen to this.

Pat Robertson (47:48)

Gambling and all these get Rich quick skates.

Brian Green (47:53)

That was not me. I did not do that. That was Pat Robertson farting. That's incredible. That sou demon trying to escape.

Brian (48:02)

Oh, my God.

Brian Green (48:04)

Oh, I got an unholy monster in my anus. Do that again. Turn that back.

Brian (48:12)

Go. Three swipes. Three swipes. Let's lead up to it. I want to see what happens. Everybody looked at me.

Pat Robertson (48:17)

And I also think it's the wrong way to finance a country or a state with having legal gambling and all these get rich quick.

Brian Green (48:34)

Oh, my God. They caught that on the hot mic.

Brian (48:37)

Someone just let out an unholy wind.

Brian Green (48:41)

That was an unholy wind, my friends. Okay, I think that's a good Place for a prick. Everybody looked at me.

Brian (48:53)

I was like, I thought it was you.

Brian Green (48:55)

No.

Brian (48:57)

Oh, my God.

Brian Green (48:58)

That was funny.

Brian (48:59)

That was good. Good job. All right. Praise God. He dropped a bomb. I dropped my phone. There we go. All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back.

Rachel (49:10)

Rachel here while Brian takes his old man bladder to the little boys room. Let's talk turkey. TCB needs your help. If you love the show, do us all a favor and share. Sharing is caring. Caring. And we know you care, don't you? Well, don't you? Oh, that was some childhood trauma rearing its ugly head. Do you want to be on the show? Leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3822 and you could be the next TCD disembodied voice. Oh, what'd you do today? I was a disembodied voice. You know, that sounds more dangerous than it actually is. Find us on Insta at the commercial B break on the web@tcbpodcast.com and all the episodes on video are available the same day@YouTube.com thecommercial break. I'm gonna go help Brian get back up the stairs while you listen to the sponsors, and then we'll all meet back here and get back to this episode of the commercial break. I'll take a raise now, bitches. Bye.

Brian (50:11)

Ooh, Rachel sounds good on those lines. Yes, she does. She's a laugh a minute.

Brian Green (50:15)

All right, we're listening to Pat Robertson.

Brian (50:18)

Try and digest it.

Chrissy (50:21)

Yeah, that might have been his stomach.

Brian (50:22)

Yeah, it was his oatmeal. I don't know what that was, but that was unholy. That's either someone like in the behind the scenes with a hot mic, or the lady just farted. Or he just farted, and it just sounded terrible. I mean, terrible. All right, let's get back to Pat answering whether or not we should be playing lotto. Scratch off his answer. So far, nonsensical.

Pat Robertson (50:41)

You. I think the best way to achieve money is little by increase. The law of use. Exponential curve. If you do that, there'll be plenty of money.

Chrissy (50:53)

The law of use.

Brian Green (50:53)

The law of curve. Kirsty. The law of curves. I've been following them my entire life. The law of curve.

Brian (51:00)

What is that?

Brian Green (51:00)

What is the law of curve?

Chrissy (51:01)

Oh, financial curve.

Brian (51:03)

The law of use. The financial curve. Little by little.

Brian Green (51:06)

Is that how you did it, Pat?

Pat Robertson (51:07)

Yeah, well, playing the games. I mean, if you want to take $5 and put it out in a thing like that. And don't worry about it. I mean, I can't say that's a sin. That's your business. But if you begin to pray and let that be the source of your income, it is such utter foolishness.

Brian Green (51:31)

It's such utter foolishness to spend your money on the scratch cards and the lap dances and the booze and the beer and the wine and the women. Send it to me and I'll do that on your behalf.

Caller (51:45)

Lynn from Clarion, Pennsylvania has this question for Pat.

Caller (51:49)

My name is Lynn and I'm from rural Pennsylvania. We have a bunch of rural churches in our area that have anywhere from 15 to 100 people in their congregation. And it seems like people are not wanting to come into the church buildings. My question is, what are some ideas on how to take our church out in the community that you might have for us?

Brian (52:10)

Oh, well, people don't want to come into the church building because they don't want to get sanctified in your, you know, in your hypocrite box. That's just what's going on. People are becoming less and less secular because they feel like religion is not very modern. It doesn't fit the modern idea of spirituality. And I think that while religion in and of itself is. Is not always harmful and that there's lots of people who go to churches and different religions and they make great use of their time here on earth doing lots of good for other people, I don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think religion has done a lot of good. I also think it's done a lot of not so good. And when you walk in and all you're doing is getting a lecture from somebody about how wrong your life is and they're sitting there probably doing the same thing or worse. Why are you so connected to God that you can talk down to me, but I have to sit here and give you my money and listen to the beat up session, feel guilty, walk out, listen. It's all a big racket. That's what it is.

Brian Green (53:14)

It's a big fucking racket.

Brian (53:16)

It's been going on since the beginning of time. I'm not saying every single piece of religion should be, you know, tossed out or whatever, but I just think the way that it's been interpreted. Interpreted, Interpretated, Interpretated, Chrissy.

Brian Green (53:29)

It's utter foolishness.

Chrissy (53:31)

Praise Jesus, brother.

Brian Green (53:33)

Praise Jesus. And this oatmeal getting down my tummy.

Brian (53:36)

I think the way it's been interpreted, it leaves power and money to a few while the rest of the people feed into it. It's another mlm. That's all it is. But there's, you know, the product they're selling is your soul. That's it. It's like life coaching. Think.

Pat Robertson (53:51)

You know one of the biggest churches I think was out there in Arizona where the pastor rented some buses and he went out in the neighborhood to bring, bring the kids to Sunday school and you know a lot of people.

Brian (54:07)

Oh, sounds perfectly safe. Religion has a track record of being great for kids. Yeah, bus those kids on in. Hey kids, come on the happy bus. We're gonna go to church.

Pat Robertson (54:18)

Go to church. But they love to have their children go to church. So if you've got a bus in the church and you say I'll pick up your children at 9am on Sunday morning.

Brian Green (54:30)

How tone deaf is this? How absolutely tone deaf is this?

Chrissy (54:34)

And also he's saying that the parents don't want to go to church, but they want to send their kids to church.

Brian (54:41)

I'm sorry, that's. I don't. As a parent, that does not ring true to me. I don't mind my parent, my kids learning about religion. As a matter of fact, we have considered bringing them to like non denominational church or even the Catholic Church just so they can go and get an idea of what God is and Jesus and how it all came into Mother Mary and all that other shit. They want to believe in that, that if that's what they choose to do, I'm not going to stop them. Nor am I. They might listen to the commercial break and think I'm not a big fan. But I'm not going to tell them to their face they shouldn't be doing that. As long as I think it's healthy and safe for them. But what's not healthy and safe is sending your kids on a random bus to a church because you feel too lazy to go. Then again, that is two hours alone with my wife. Where's the local church bus when you need it? Yes. Sorry kids. We're taking our chances. We're gambling in a different way.

Pat Robertson (55:30)

And the next thing you know mom and dad will follow. And I think that that's how one pastor in Phoenix grew to one of the biggest churches in America by having a fleet of buses. Got some old buses.

Chrissy (55:45)

I'm sure a little rural church in Pennsylvania that has 15 people going can afford a fleet of buses.

Brian Green (55:51)

Well, you don't need a bus, Chrissy.

Brian (55:53)

That's right.

Chrissy (55:54)

Second off, the kids.

Brian (55:56)

The whole kid thing is you get.

Brian Green (55:57)

An old ice cream van and you paint it a dark color so the kids know you're coming. And then you slide open the door. Maybe you put a waterbed in there so that the kids can have some fun. And you slide open the door and you say, come, kids, come with me. Come with Uncle Pat. Kiss his penis. Kiss me on the penis.

Pat Robertson (56:17)

They're out picking up people.

Caller (56:19)

That's very creative.

Pat Robertson (56:20)

Yeah, it works.

Chrissy (56:22)

It works.

Brian (56:22)

You know what's creative is that lady's hair do. That's what's creative.

Pat Robertson (56:25)

Tommy Barnett. Okay.

Caller (56:27)

Okay. Well, here's Cindy from Louisville, Kentucky.

Brian (56:31)

She's there to just keep him moving along.

Chrissy (56:32)

She is.

Caller (56:33)

My question is concerning the arc of the Covenant. Do you think it's still out there, will ever be found, or has it been lost forever? Thank you.

Brian (56:46)

And why, Cindy, are you thinking about this in Louisville, Kentucky? What are you thinking about? What are you.

Brian Green (56:52)

Have you been watching Indiana Jones?

Chrissy (56:54)

Thinking about things?

Brian (56:55)

Yeah. She says my question is considering the Ark of the Covenant. Is that the question? We're considering the Ark of the Covenant. I don't get the beginning of the question, but do you think it's still out there, will ever be found?

Chrissy (57:07)

Pertains to the ark.

Brian (57:09)

My question has to do with. Pertains to. Is about the Ark of the Covenant. Not considering. But I get where you're going, Cindy. I'm just wondering exactly why you're going there. What made you wake up on this side of the bed this morning? Morning.

Pat Robertson (57:23)

It made Steven Spielberg a pretty good movie. In Search of the. The missing Ark of the Covenant. I. I think it's long gone. I. I don't think there's any hidden arc, but it did make an interesting movie. And that's where you've got In Search of the Lost Ark.

Caller (57:41)

Sure was good.

Chrissy (57:44)

Sure was a good movie.

Brian Green (57:45)

Good movie.

Brian (57:46)

Let's move on, sinners.

Caller (57:48)

Okay.

Caller (57:48)

This question from a viewer in Flagstaff, Arizona.

Caller (57:53)

Yes.

Caller (57:53)

My question for Pat is on the second coming of the Lord. On the one side, the word says Jesus is coming back as a thief in the night. On the other side, Jesus is coming back and the whole world will see him when he descends from heaven onto the Mount of Olives. I'm a little confused. On the one hand, a thief. On the other hand, everybody will see him. Pat, could you explain the differences in the two statements I just mentioned?

Brian Green (58:21)

Again, what made you wake up on.

Brian (58:22)

This side of the.

Chrissy (58:22)

I mean, people are really trusting Pat. You have all answers of everything.

Brian (58:27)

People think Pat is onto something here, that he has some wisdom. Pat, life coach Pat, would you. Would you take Pat as a life Coach, Me personally, no, but some people apparently put a lot of, put a lot of faith in his answers so.

Caller (58:41)

Much appreciate the show.

Pat Robertson (58:43)

I think the idea of a thief in the night, meaning you know, you're sleeping and you're not paying attention and all of a sudden this thief comes and you weren't expecting him. I think that's the concept, is that he's going to come at a time when we're not really awaiting him and the world is not going to expect Jesus to come back again. But in terms when he does come, he will come with a shout of command, with the voice of the ark of Abel, the trump of God, the.

Brian Green (59:14)

Trump of the dude, the ark of the gable and the fields and the field fable and hickory dickory Doc. She was sucking my cock. Listen, I don't really know. I'm almost dead, so I'm not too concerned about any of this right now.

Brian (59:30)

Did he just say Trump?

Chrissy (59:32)

He said Trump something.

Pat Robertson (59:33)

But it's going to be a big, big deal. It's not going to be quiet. It's going to be a big one. He will descend from heaven.

Brian (59:41)

Oh, yeah. Oh, the trumpet. Yeah. The second coming of Christ. I mean, I mean.

Brian Green (59:50)

Please welcome thief in the night, Jesus Christ. All the way from the Mount of Olives, coming down from top of Mount Rushmore, the big guy himself, the one, the only preaching on an empty dick. Jesus Christ. Let's get ready to mumble my dick.

Pat Robertson (60:21)

With the trumpet of God. But the thief. And the nice idea is that it's going to be unexpected even for believers.

Caller (60:30)

Will we have a sense of the time that.

Brian Green (60:33)

Well, yes, we'll get a text message. There's a national alert system out for, for this kind of event. You see.

Pat Robertson (60:43)

Paul said it won't come upon you unawares because we are expecting. We know the scriptures and we. But the world doesn't know the scriptures. And so the world, you know, in the days of Noah, they were spending their time with all kinds of marriage and giving in marriage and having parties and all the rest of it.

Brian Green (61:04)

Sounds like a Great Gatsby kind of time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it sounds like you and Jeff over there in your little house, are.

Chrissy (61:13)

You Jesus partying it up.

Brian (61:14)

You're waiting for the. What are you waiting for?

Brian Green (61:17)

Two camels and two giraffes and Jesus Christ on the mountain of the olives with little jalapenos and blue cheese in them.

Pat Robertson (61:24)

And then he said the flood came and swept them all away. That's the unexpected part of it.

Caller (61:30)

Gotcha Interesting.

Brian Green (61:32)

Be careful, Vika.

Brian (61:34)

Gotcha. Totally understand. Thanks. All right, one more question for Pat before we wrap it up here.

Caller (61:38)

Judy from Chico, California, has this question for Pat.

Brian Green (61:41)

Chico.

Caller (61:44)

My question is, who are the clouds of witnesses in the book of Hebrews? That's my question. Hope I can get an answer. Thank you so much.

Brian (61:54)

Wow, she sounds very serious. My question is, who are the clouds of witnesses in the Hebrews? That's my question. Answer it now.

Pat Robertson (62:01)

The cloud of wishes are those who have gone before who have known the Lord. And he lists some of the champions faith who have. They're kind of like the witnesses that have lived before us.

Brian Green (62:16)

And they get Mike Tyson, Tiger Buck an example.

Pat Robertson (62:21)

And so when we read the Bible, we read about these champions of the faith, one after the other, that are in these wonderful experiences with God.

Caller (62:33)

Here's an interesting question from Vincent.

Rachel (62:34)

He's from.

Brian (62:35)

Oh, that was a very short answer. I didn't understand.

Caller (62:37)

Sorry.

Brian Green (62:37)

One more.

Pat Robertson (62:38)

Yeah.

Caller (62:40)

My question is, what has been the greatest battle that the ministry, the 700 Club, has had?

Brian Green (62:46)

Well, that was the battle of 1912.

Pat Robertson (62:51)

I think the biggest one was getting started. I mean, you know, we started this thing with $70. I had a u haul trailer, 4 kids and no money. And I think we were up against it month after month after month. We didn't have enough money to do anything. And we were just crying out, dependent on God for his mercy. That was the big struggle.

Brian (63:22)

Well, after 700 episodes. Yeah, after 700 episodes, Chrissy. And reviewing the 700 Club, I can now confirm Pat Robertson and the commercial break do indeed have something in common. We are up against it month after month. Getting started was the hardest part. We had $70 in our pocket, trailer full of kids, and we're just trying to make it work. Well, congratulations, my friend.

Chrissy (63:50)

Congratulations.

Brian (63:51)

After 700 episodes, here's to 700 more cheers. I hope you're sitting right there next to me at 1400, just like you were at 700. And thank everybody out there for taking part in a part of the TCB history. Listen, I didn't have any answers for you on Jesus or God or the Second Coming or the clouds of wisdom or whatever it is. But I will tell you this. It's highly likely we'll be here tomorrow. All right. What else can I say? Pat Robertson, still a kook. He is kooky, man. And that, by the way, this is Pat Robertson and rather tame, some of the stuff he said. And I thought about pulling some of the more like some of the more fiery clips.

Chrissy (64:35)

Yeah.

Brian (64:35)

But I just didn't want to piss everybody in the entire audience off. I felt like it wouldn't be as funny if we were just. If he was talking.

Chrissy (64:42)

He's funnier as a crypt kicker.

Brian (64:44)

Yeah, I agree. This must be right before he died. Yeah, I mean, he really does look very old. How old was it he died? 90. 90 something. I mean, listen, if you're 90 something and still rolling in the TV studio and answering questions, I guess you got something to say for yourself, right?

Brian Green (65:00)

Yeah.

Brian (65:00)

All right.

Brian Green (65:01)

Okay.

Brian (65:02)

Well, I hope that you're happy out there in heaven, buddy, looking down on all of us. Send me a message, tell me what it's like. Teresa Caputo it piggy from me.

Chrissy (65:13)

That'd be interesting. Oh, it would be interesting with Pat.

Brian (65:17)

Yeah. I'd like to know what Pat's up to. Is he still rolling? Is he piggy fronting around here? That's right. Okay. All right. Hey, listen, Ari Shafir was our guest last week. We would appreciate it. You go watch his new special, America's Sweetheart on Netflix, available now for you to consume. Ari was certainly one of the more interesting guests we've had in here. Interesting conversation. Go take a listen to that episode if you haven't heard it. Also, if you'd like to pay, be on the commercial break. If you'd like to be on one of the next 700 episodes, do us a favor, leave us a message at 212-4333, tcb 212-433-3822. I might use you to open up the next show. Leave me a short message. Be mindful of what you say and what name you use because if I put it out there, I can't undo it. I won't undo it. You can also leave us a text message. Questions, comments, concerns, comments, content, ideas. Send a text message and we'll get back to you at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on Tick Tock if you care. Tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, all the video right there from one location. Also your free TCB sticker. Hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address and we'll send it off. And please, if you would check the out the new studio and all the episodes. YouTube.com the commercial break available the same day they air here. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

Chrissy (66:46)

I think so.

Brian (66:47)

But I'll tell you that I love you.

Chrissy (66:48)

I love you.

Brian (66:48)

I'll say best to you. Best to you. Out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say we do say we must say goodbye. Sam, It.