The Commercial Break

Episode: The Celtic Curse Of Carol K!
Release Date: October 17, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

Episode Overview

This "Commercial Break" episode launches headlong into Halloween season, blending Bryan and Krissy’s trademark irreverence with a satirical deep-dive into the "satanic panic" of the past. At its core, the pair dissect and riff on the sensational claims of Carol Kornacki, a 1980s/90s-era ex-witch/evangelical speaker who warned America about the supposed occult dangers lurking in Halloween traditions. Between playful jabs at the absurdities of moral panics and commentary on pop culture (from Britney Spears’ drama to bathroom selfies), the hosts create a rambunctious, loose episode that’s part roast, part Halloween history, and all classic TCB chaos.

Key Topics & Segment Timestamps

1. Halloween Hysteria and "The Portal to Hell"

[01:21, 16:09, 18:30, 24:12]

• The hosts open with comical observations on over-the-top neighborhood Halloween decorations, noting how societal norms flip in October—severed heads on mailboxes go from “sinister” to “festive.”
• Bryan introduces the episode’s main target: Carol Kornacki, “a very famous former witch” from the late 80s/90s, who fueled American fears about Halloween as a real “portal to hell.”
• They riff on Kornacki’s media appearances warning that “on this one day a year, the portal to hell opens up” ([01:56]), imagining battalions of demonic “Laura Ashley” suburbanites emerging from potholes.

Quote:
"If you went to Laura Ashley in the 80s, that was a portal to hell." – Bryan ([02:35])

2. Pop Culture Catchup: Britney, Bathroom Selfies & Parenting

[05:09 – 15:45]

• Bryan and Krissy discuss recent Britney Spears headlines, focusing on dubious claims in Kevin Federline’s new tell-all book, including allegations of cocaine use while breastfeeding.
• They pivot to the phenomena of public-bathroom selfies, mock-complaining about their mutual acquaintance’s obsession with sharing glamorous shots from unglamorous restrooms.
• Laughter ensues as they rate public bathrooms (Disney World, Ritz Carlton), segueing into how people judge restaurants based on restroom cleanliness.

Quote:
"Whenever I see those bathroom selfies, I smell the I-75 restroom south of Valdosta. That's what I smell." – Bryan ([13:31])

3. Halloween Traditions, Then & Now

[16:09 – 18:30]

• The hosts reminisce about their childhood Halloween experiences, how the holiday’s popularity evolved, and the modern trend of “trunk-or-treat” events—mocked as “cars and candy, come closer to my trunk!”
• Bryan admits he “never really got into Halloween,” contrasting with Krissy’s enthusiasm and their efforts to ensure their kids can enjoy responsible Halloween fun.

4. Carol Kornacki: The Celtic Curse

[24:12 – 55:02]

Bryan plays clips of Carol Kornacki’s infamous anti-Halloween testimony, pausing often with Krissy for satirical commentary, fact-checking, and hilariously off-topic banter.

4.1. Dark Legends, Druids, and Human Sacrifice

[24:42–29:36]

• Carol alleges Halloween’s roots are purely sinister—Druid priests conducting blood rituals, human sacrifices burned alive in wicker baskets, and Stonehenge as a “place of human sacrifice.”

• The hosts mock her grim earnestness:

  Quote:
  "It's hard to take that voice seriously. Dabbled in darkness and death. From testimony from a former witch..." – Bryan ([24:54])

  Quote:
  "That’s a big wicker basket. Put a whole human in there." – Bryan ([26:28])

• Krissy questions the logistics and historical reality of these wild stories, while Bryan jokes about substituting virgins with zucchini to appease the ghouls.

4.2. Trick or Treat, Pagan Fears & Fact-Checks

[28:12–31:55]

• Kornacki claims Halloween is “an age-old pagan festival of death,” warning that “every time your child chants ‘trick or treat’… they're partaking in a pagan festival.”

• Bryan facetiously suggests kids yell "dick or meat" instead for safety ([28:36]).

• The hosts consult TCB's in-house chat bot to fact-check “Sam Hayen”—revealed correctly by ChatGPT as Samhain, a festival but not a god. They note Carol’s penchant for “making up facts or misinterpreting them to fit her needs.”

  Quote:
  "It's a day. It's not a god of the dead. And... a lot of the things that she's saying here are just pure conjecture. She's making it up whole cloth." – Bryan ([31:58])

4.3. Escalation: Demonic Demands, Animal Sacrifice, and Virgins

[29:45–35:14]

• As Carol’s claims escalate (spirits demand not just snacks, but animal and then virgin sacrifices), Bryan and Krissy lampoon the idea that historical trick-or-treating involved life-or-death negotiations.

• The overblown tales spark jokes about hurrying to lose one's virginity “so Samhain won’t take you,” and how “being a parent just means always searching for a new virgin.”

  Quote:
  "That way ward off the spirits. Yes. When Samhain comes, doesn't end up taking you." – Bryan ([34:18])

4.4. Modern Superstitions, Smashmouth Logic & Black Cats

[36:01–39:00]

• Carol pivots to blaming Halloween for everything from animal shelter break-ins (particularly for black cats) to ritual animal “dissection.”
• The hosts, with ChatGPT’s input, confirm that while shelters may exercise caution, the truth is far less lurid than Carol’s “frenzy of murder” implies.

4.5. Bible Verses as Bludgeon, More Occult Dangers

[40:00–42:50]

• Bryan and Krissy mock Carol’s scriptural interpretations, especially her “translation” of Deuteronomy (“regard them not means have nothing to do with them”).
• Krissy relays that prohibiting kids from participating leads to “instantly becoming the weirdest kids at school.”

4.6. Bonfires, Pumpkin Faces, and Baby Sacrifices

[48:01–53:13]

• Kornacki links modern bonfires and jack-o-lanterns directly to ancient pagan baby sacrifices.
• The hosts laugh at her attempts to render even cartoon ghosts and smiling pumpkins suspect, noting “it's the marshmallow Stay Puft guy, not some murderous ghoul.”

4.7. Conclusion: Halloween Panic vs. Reality

[53:13–55:12]

• Bryan and Krissy clarify: While Halloween’s roots are old and complex, claims like Carol’s are anachronistic, exaggerated, and more about sustaining moral panics than respecting historical nuance—or present-day fun.
• They tease that “every subculture (even Christianity) has weird or dark roots if you look hard enough,” reminding listeners that Halloween now is mostly “tight outfits, bars, and candy.”

Quote:
"So does the Bible, Carol. Yeah. They were sacrificing lambs, killing Christians, hunting people down because they didn't believe in this or didn't believe in that." – Bryan ([54:08])

5. Closing Chatter: TV, Recommendations & Next Week

[54:51–56:32]

• The hosts unwind with recommendations: “Task,” “Love Is Blind,” “Ed Gein” stories, and more.
• They preview next week’s guest (Nacho Redondo), and remind listeners to catch Bryan’s upcoming solo project “After the Break” for well-researched deep-dives.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "On this one day a year, the portal to hell opens up and allows all the demons and witchcraft." – Bryan [01:56]
• "Every time your child chants trick or treat, he is again repeating an age-old pagan festival.” – Carol Kornacki [28:12]
• "Say, ‘dick or meat.’" – Bryan, mocking alternatives for “trick or treat” [28:36]
• "You gotta get laid as soon as possible, kids. That way ward off the spirits." – Bryan [34:18]
• "Whenever I see those bathroom selfies, I smell the I-75 restroom south of Valdosta." – Bryan [13:31]
• "So does the Bible, Carol... They were sacrificing lambs, killing Christians, hunting people down because they didn't believe in this or didn't believe in that." – Bryan [54:08]
• "It's the marshmallow Stay Puft guy, not some murderous ghoul..." – Bryan [52:19]
• "She’s a fucking fun sponge." – Bryan on Carol’s buzzkill energy [47:45]

Tone & Style

• Banter-heavy, Improvised, Satirical: Bryan and Krissy maintain their signature energy, alternating between sharp cultural commentary and absurdist riffing.
• Self-aware and Irreverent: The show satirizes alarmist religious takes while affirming the value of Halloween as a joyful, creative outlet.
• Mockumentary Vibe: The duo play up Carol Kornacki’s outlandish claims for comedic effect, providing context while poking fun at misplaced hysteria.

Time-Stamped Roadmap of Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |----------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | 01:21–02:35 | Halloween decorations, Carol Kornacki intro | | 05:09–15:45 | Britney drama, bathroom selfies, public restrooms | | 16:09–18:30 | Halloween through the decades, “trunk or treat” | | 24:12–29:36 | Carol Kornacki clip: Druids, sacrifice, wicker baskets | | 28:12–31:55 | Trick or treat as occult ritual, "Sam Hayen" explained | | 29:45–35:14 | Virgin sacrifice myths, escalating demands | | 36:01–39:00 | Animal shelter break-ins, black cats | | 40:00–42:50 | Bible verses, prohibiting Halloween, weird kids | | 48:01–53:13 | Bonfires, pumpkins, “baby sacrifices” | | 53:13–55:12 | Halloween panic vs. reality, context | | 54:51–56:32 | TV show recs, sign-off teasers, next week preview |

Final Thoughts

This episode is TCB at full volume: part nostalgic Halloween special, part satirical response to religious panic-mongering, loaded with inside jokes and pop culture zingers. The extended riffing on Carol Kornacki’s clip provides a timely (and hilarious) reminder of past hysteria, while Bryan and Krissy’s warmth and improvisation keep the episode engaging—even when tackling “icky and weird” territory.

Listeners are left with the clear message: Have fun, let kids enjoy their Peppa Pig costumes, and if you see a smiling jack-o-lantern, it’s probably not a recruitment tool for Samhain, Sammy Hagar, or Satan.

Next Week: Guest Nacho Redondo, more improv, and the promise of Bryan’s upcoming solo project “After the Break.”

Best to you, Bryan and Krissy!