The Commercial Break Podcast

Episode: "Two Wettings and a Funeral (Again)"

Release Date: July 9, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Kristen Joy Hoadley

Episode Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break is a replay picked by producer Christina while Bryan and his family recover from a virus. Christina calls this one a personal favorite – a classic episode that will “have you absolutely rolling.” The main theme: Bryan’s hilariously chaotic retelling of a recent funeral he attended, plus the wild saga of “the British fluffer,” an eccentric party acquaintance whose life seems as unpredictable as The Cheesecake Factory menu. True to TCB’s style, the episode blends personal anecdotes, unpredictable humor, and some heartfelt moments, all in a freewheeling, slightly absurdist tone.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The British Fluffer: Party Memories & Social Media Upgrades

[00:50–10:10]

• Bryan recounts attending a wild Atlanta birthday with Chrissy years ago, culminating in a party bus ride to a high-end strip club (“The Cheetah”).
• They describe a British man they met that night—an affable, slightly coked-out “fluffer” whose job became endlessly praising Bryan:

  “You're amazing... Women want to be with you, men want to be you... The universe [is] your spotlight, Bryan. You have the power of a star right in your penis. Women can see it. The men want to be it.” — Bryan channeling the British fluffer [03:20]

• The hosts joke about party drugs, strip club dining (“a five-star restaurant, whatever that means”), and the strange etiquette of Facebook friendships formed during party nights.
• Bryan tracks this fluffer’s online life: From wild Hamptons parties with “ancestors-connecting, ketamine-clay-sculpting” (and “shirts off, kilts everywhere”) to openly fluid relationships, which both hosts discuss with admiration and humor:

  “Everything’s fluid. And that’s awesome. I think it’s lovely.” — Kristen [06:21]

• Bryan recollects being invited to a “spiritual brotherhood retreat,” only to decline after its undertones became eyebrow-raising (“Where else can brothers touch brothers without fear of repercussion?”).

Notable Quote

“He was so nice...the guy was lovely. Everyone fell in love with him because he was so nice. And it was genuine. He was just way fucked up.” — Bryan [03:35]

2. From Spiritual Gatherings to Grim Realities

[10:10–13:09]

• Hosts riff on how easy it is to mock “spiritual bullshit” because they’ve been there; they differentiate between sincere and performative search for meaning.
• The episode pivots: Bryan shares news of his mother’s long-time boyfriend Irving’s death, setting up the main story.
• Christina joins briefly to promote the show’s social media before the main anecdote resumes.

3. Funeral Fiasco: A Southern Farewell to Irving

[13:09–41:53]

Preparation & Arrival

• Bryan details his initial reluctance to attend Irving’s funeral but agrees to support his mom.
• Describes Atlanta’s oppressive heat (112°F by 10 am), choosing “short sleeve shirt and a pair of slacks” over a suit.
• A comically under-attended funeral: Only Bryan, his twin brother Kevin, their mom, Irving’s son, and the Jewish cantor (plus two grave workers).

Comedy of Errors

• The funeral tent acts as a "sauna," everyone’s drenched. Only a handful of guests and “two speakers and a microphone”—for three people.
• The world's slowest limo (with a 90-year-old lady driver) delivers Bryan’s mom—but not without dramatic struggle to get her (mobility-impaired) out of the car.
• “The tent's moving with the golf cart…and the lady doesn’t know…she’s not putting that foot on the brake…rolling downhill, taking the chairs with it.” — Bryan [25:55]
• Mom winds up in a golf cart under the funeral tent, “crying, by the way.”

Funeral Service: The Absurd & Heartfelt

• The cantor proclaims, “don’t worry, this won’t take long,” yet the service stretches well beyond 45 minutes.
• Irving’s son’s eulogy is awkward:

  "Some people remember my father as a nice guy…but he was a really, really tough business guy. When I was young, he rented an additional apartment...for his art projects, and he would often spend nights there.” — Bryan quoting Irving's son [27:34]

• The cantor reads emails from absentees:

  "'Sorry, I couldn't be there.' Who are you telling? It’s like: ‘Dear Irving, sorry I couldn't be there.’ Dear Irving. Irving can't hear you." — Bryan [29:42]

• The service was prepaid years ago by Irving’s first wife, including the limo ride and—possibly—the failing casket elevator.

The Casket Catastrophe

• The casket lowering device (described as a “casket escalator”) malfunctions; the coffin tips at a 45-degree angle, nearly going over.
• Workers have to “shimmy and shake” the casket; one even dangles into the grave to fix a strap.
• Guests shovel dirt according to Jewish custom, but Irving’s son goes overboard:

  “By the time he gets to, like, the 10th or 11th scoop, the Cantor walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder. And she’s like, ‘that’s good, that’s good.’” — Bryan [35:05]

• After the official end, the son continues shoveling, perhaps for catharsis or tradition.

Departure & Reflection

• Bryan’s mom faces another ordeal getting back into the limo, comically described as “the limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back and throw her in.” [39:36]
• Bryan wraps his story with a recurring funeral wish: Just cremate me and throw a party—or let my funeral be an epic shitshow that can be mocked on a future podcast.

Notable Quotes

“There’s a certain expectation of how it’s all going to go down…the part that I felt the most bad about was…the only thing the cantor talked about was the lovely relationship that him and his first wife had. And my mom’s in the back sitting there…” — Bryan [41:31]

"Why spend $50,000 on a fucking casket? ... I mean, you're gonna get eaten by worms anyway. Just let it happen." — Bryan [36:47]

"Literally, drink my ass...burn me to a crisp and have a party." — Bryan [41:54]

4. Final Thoughts: Tradition, Absurdity, and Eulogizing Bryan

[41:53–end]

• Despite the fiasco, Bryan is glad he went for his mom and hopes his own funeral will be equally memorable (for better or worse):

  “Either let my funeral be a complete party of epic proportions, or let it be an absolute shit show like this. So at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show.” — Bryan [40:12]

• He jests about wanting a “crappy crickety old plywood box” with a sex doll rolling out mid-service for comic effect.
• He jokingly requests “the British fluffer” to deliver his eulogy, and encourages listeners to send in their own eulogies to read on the air.

Memorable Moments & Timestamps

• [03:20] – The British fluffer’s legendary ego boost: “You have the power of a star right in your penis…”
• [10:59] – The announcement of Irving's death and segue to funeral mayhem.
• [16:00] – Arrival at the sauna-like funeral tent, Kevin sweating through a three-piece suit.
• [23:25] – The 90-year-old limo driver, and the comedic effort to extract Bryan’s mom.
• [25:57] – The runaway golf cart incident under the tent.
• [27:34] – Irving’s son’s two-sentence eulogy and odd movie anecdote.
• [31:59] – The infamous casket “escalator” malfunction and near-disaster.
• [35:05] – The never-ending shoveling; cantor intervention: “that’s good, that’s good.”
• [39:36] – The ongoing struggle to get Bryan’s mom back into the limo.
• [41:54] – Bryan’s funeral wish: “Burn me to a crisp and have a party. Literally, drink my ass…”

Takeaways

• The episode lampoons the chaos and absurdity of life’s big occasions—weddings, parties, and funerals alike—and the strange comfort found in gallows humor.
• Touches on themes of family duty, the unpredictability of human ritual, and how legacies are less about grandeur and more about the moments that make people laugh and remember.

In the Spirit of TCB:

Next Time You’re at a Funeral...
Just hope the casket doesn’t tip, the golf cart brakes work, and someone imparts a little flattery in their best British accent.

End of Summary