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Two Wettings and a Funeral (Again) - The Commercial Break | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Two Wettings and a Funeral (Again)

Tue Jul 09 2024

From The Cheetah to the grave, chaos abounds! The Cheetah Bryan’s British Fluffer Where else can brothers touch brothers? Irving’s chaotic funeral A funeral planned by his first of three wives I cannot in good conscience give a rundown of this funeral…you just have to listen I will say it involves a runaway golf cart, emails read aloud, and a bad casket lowerer Burn Bryan to a crisp and snort him at the party Write us a eulogy for Bryan! LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us 212.433.3TCB text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Instagram: @thecommercialbreak Watch for Live Show info at www.tcbpodcast.com Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Producer: Christina A. Producer: Gustavo B. Download & Listen on the Audacy app To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit htt...

Summary

The Commercial Break Podcast

Episode: "Two Wettings and a Funeral (Again)"

Release Date: July 9, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Kristen Joy Hoadley

Episode Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break is a replay picked by producer Christina while Bryan and his family recover from a virus. Christina calls this one a personal favorite – a classic episode that will “have you absolutely rolling.” The main theme: Bryan’s hilariously chaotic retelling of a recent funeral he attended, plus the wild saga of “the British fluffer,” an eccentric party acquaintance whose life seems as unpredictable as The Cheesecake Factory menu. True to TCB’s style, the episode blends personal anecdotes, unpredictable humor, and some heartfelt moments, all in a freewheeling, slightly absurdist tone.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The British Fluffer: Party Memories & Social Media Upgrades

[00:50–10:10]

Bryan recounts attending a wild Atlanta birthday with Chrissy years ago, culminating in a party bus ride to a high-end strip club (“The Cheetah”).
They describe a British man they met that night—an affable, slightly coked-out “fluffer” whose job became endlessly praising Bryan:

“You're amazing... Women want to be with you, men want to be you... The universe [is] your spotlight, Bryan. You have the power of a star right in your penis. Women can see it. The men want to be it.” — Bryan channeling the British fluffer [03:20]
The hosts joke about party drugs, strip club dining (“a five-star restaurant, whatever that means”), and the strange etiquette of Facebook friendships formed during party nights.
Bryan tracks this fluffer’s online life: From wild Hamptons parties with “ancestors-connecting, ketamine-clay-sculpting” (and “shirts off, kilts everywhere”) to openly fluid relationships, which both hosts discuss with admiration and humor:

“Everything’s fluid. And that’s awesome. I think it’s lovely.” — Kristen [06:21]
Bryan recollects being invited to a “spiritual brotherhood retreat,” only to decline after its undertones became eyebrow-raising (“Where else can brothers touch brothers without fear of repercussion?”).

Notable Quote

“He was so nice...the guy was lovely. Everyone fell in love with him because he was so nice. And it was genuine. He was just way fucked up.” — Bryan [03:35]

2. From Spiritual Gatherings to Grim Realities

[10:10–13:09]

Hosts riff on how easy it is to mock “spiritual bullshit” because they’ve been there; they differentiate between sincere and performative search for meaning.
The episode pivots: Bryan shares news of his mother’s long-time boyfriend Irving’s death, setting up the main story.
Christina joins briefly to promote the show’s social media before the main anecdote resumes.

3. Funeral Fiasco: A Southern Farewell to Irving

[13:09–41:53]

Preparation & Arrival

Bryan details his initial reluctance to attend Irving’s funeral but agrees to support his mom.
Describes Atlanta’s oppressive heat (112°F by 10 am), choosing “short sleeve shirt and a pair of slacks” over a suit.
A comically under-attended funeral: Only Bryan, his twin brother Kevin, their mom, Irving’s son, and the Jewish cantor (plus two grave workers).

Comedy of Errors

The funeral tent acts as a "sauna," everyone’s drenched. Only a handful of guests and “two speakers and a microphone”—for three people.
The world's slowest limo (with a 90-year-old lady driver) delivers Bryan’s mom—but not without dramatic struggle to get her (mobility-impaired) out of the car.
“The tent's moving with the golf cart…and the lady doesn’t know…she’s not putting that foot on the brake…rolling downhill, taking the chairs with it.” — Bryan [25:55]
Mom winds up in a golf cart under the funeral tent, “crying, by the way.”

Funeral Service: The Absurd & Heartfelt

The cantor proclaims, “don’t worry, this won’t take long,” yet the service stretches well beyond 45 minutes.
Irving’s son’s eulogy is awkward:

"Some people remember my father as a nice guy…but he was a really, really tough business guy. When I was young, he rented an additional apartment...for his art projects, and he would often spend nights there.” — Bryan quoting Irving's son [27:34]
The cantor reads emails from absentees:

"'Sorry, I couldn't be there.' Who are you telling? It’s like: ‘Dear Irving, sorry I couldn't be there.’ Dear Irving. Irving can't hear you." — Bryan [29:42]
The service was prepaid years ago by Irving’s first wife, including the limo ride and—possibly—the failing casket elevator.

The Casket Catastrophe

The casket lowering device (described as a “casket escalator”) malfunctions; the coffin tips at a 45-degree angle, nearly going over.
Workers have to “shimmy and shake” the casket; one even dangles into the grave to fix a strap.
Guests shovel dirt according to Jewish custom, but Irving’s son goes overboard:

“By the time he gets to, like, the 10th or 11th scoop, the Cantor walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder. And she’s like, ‘that’s good, that’s good.’” — Bryan [35:05]
After the official end, the son continues shoveling, perhaps for catharsis or tradition.

Departure & Reflection

Bryan’s mom faces another ordeal getting back into the limo, comically described as “the limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back and throw her in.” [39:36]
Bryan wraps his story with a recurring funeral wish: Just cremate me and throw a party—or let my funeral be an epic shitshow that can be mocked on a future podcast.

Notable Quotes

“There’s a certain expectation of how it’s all going to go down…the part that I felt the most bad about was…the only thing the cantor talked about was the lovely relationship that him and his first wife had. And my mom’s in the back sitting there…” — Bryan [41:31]

"Why spend $50,000 on a fucking casket? ... I mean, you're gonna get eaten by worms anyway. Just let it happen." — Bryan [36:47]

"Literally, drink my ass...burn me to a crisp and have a party." — Bryan [41:54]

4. Final Thoughts: Tradition, Absurdity, and Eulogizing Bryan

[41:53–end]

Despite the fiasco, Bryan is glad he went for his mom and hopes his own funeral will be equally memorable (for better or worse):

“Either let my funeral be a complete party of epic proportions, or let it be an absolute shit show like this. So at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show.” — Bryan [40:12]
He jests about wanting a “crappy crickety old plywood box” with a sex doll rolling out mid-service for comic effect.
He jokingly requests “the British fluffer” to deliver his eulogy, and encourages listeners to send in their own eulogies to read on the air.

Memorable Moments & Timestamps

[03:20] – The British fluffer’s legendary ego boost: “You have the power of a star right in your penis…”
[10:59] – The announcement of Irving's death and segue to funeral mayhem.
[16:00] – Arrival at the sauna-like funeral tent, Kevin sweating through a three-piece suit.
[23:25] – The 90-year-old limo driver, and the comedic effort to extract Bryan’s mom.
[25:57] – The runaway golf cart incident under the tent.
[27:34] – Irving’s son’s two-sentence eulogy and odd movie anecdote.
[31:59] – The infamous casket “escalator” malfunction and near-disaster.
[35:05] – The never-ending shoveling; cantor intervention: “that’s good, that’s good.”
[39:36] – The ongoing struggle to get Bryan’s mom back into the limo.
[41:54] – Bryan’s funeral wish: “Burn me to a crisp and have a party. Literally, drink my ass…”

Takeaways

The episode lampoons the chaos and absurdity of life’s big occasions—weddings, parties, and funerals alike—and the strange comfort found in gallows humor.
Touches on themes of family duty, the unpredictability of human ritual, and how legacies are less about grandeur and more about the moments that make people laugh and remember.

In the Spirit of TCB:

Next Time You’re at a Funeral...
Just hope the casket doesn’t tip, the golf cart brakes work, and someone imparts a little flattery in their best British accent.

End of Summary

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Transcript

Brian Greene (0:01)

I am slowly going crazy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, switch. Crazy. Going slowly, am I? 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, switch. On this episode of the commercial break, hello, podcast universe.

Christina (0:23)

It's me, beloved producer Christina. Unfortunately, Brian and his entire family are incapacitated with a virus.

Brian Greene (0:30)

So.

Christina (0:31)

So I am bringing you one of my favorite episodes from last year. If you've heard it before, honestly, it is worth listening to again because it has had me absolutely rolling. And if you have never heard it, then you are in for a pretty little treat. So enjoy and send some healing vibes to the greenhouse.

Brian Greene (0:50)

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the director of therapeutic ketamine Services, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best of you, Kristen, and best of you out there in the podcast universe, wherever you may be listening. Maybe you're in the Hamptons or Palm Beach. Or Palm Beach. Or the Hamptons.

Kristen Joy Hoadley (1:18)

I hope you are Chrissy.

Brian Greene (1:19)

And I can only think of two luxurious places in the world, Palm beach and the Hamptons. Maybe you're at a party right now in the Hamptons chilling out with your ketamine bombs. Yeah, I saw that. I was telling this story and I just had to pop on air real quick to share this story. I got, I've shared this story on the commercial break and I'm not. You can go back and try and find this episode. But Chrissy and I one time attended a birthday party where the birthday, the husband of the birthday girl got a limousine like, but you know, one of those big buses. That's a limousine that's got the disco ball in it. You know, everyone packed in there, party bus. Everyone met at a restaurant and then the party bus came and picked us up and took us to the most, the fanciest strip club in all the land called the Cheetah here in Atlanta. It's expensive. They have a five star restaurant, whatever that means. A five star restaurant. Yeah. Alluvia, Volvovia. I'm sorry, I just don't eat at strip clubs. It's just, it's just a general rule that I have. I don't care how many stars you have, but it's a lovely.

Kristen Joy Hoadley (2:20)

Our old cohorts from the station used to eat there.

Brian Greene (2:23)

Oh, yeah, the, the it guy used to go there every afternoon for lunch. He'd always invite, I told that story there. He's always invited me. But so we go there and there's one gentleman that we had never met in our entire life Bunch of people we didn't meet, but we didn't know. But one gentleman. He had a British accent, and he was friends of a friend. And he came and he's the most lovely human being. But the longer the night went on, the more twisted everybody got because there was lots of narcotics running around, mostly Colombian marching powder, but I think there was some ecstasy involved, too. I didn't take it, but I think he did.

Brian Greene (6:25)

I just am happy that the guy is happy. And he seems to be, like a little bit of a power player in this little group he's got going on, you know, and they're all hanging out at the Hamptons. A power player in this, you know, party in the woods group we got. But they're unlike Elevated it. Yeah. Unlike the Party in the woods that's, you know, on somebody's old car lot here in Atlanta that turned it into a gas station. The dump. The dump. The Dump. The dump. Dump, Dump. They're actually in the Hamptons at a multi million dollar piece of property where their doctors are showing up and just feeding them narcotics and IV ing them every morning to get them rehydrated, you know, What I'm saying. All right, so. And I thought to myself, wow, good. Good for them. But then in a flashback conversation I was just having, I realized I kind of put two and two together about something of the friend that we got connected through originally, us and this guy, this British fluffer dude. We'll call him the British fluffer. Yeah, us and this British fluffer. The friend, my good friend, that we got connected to. About a year into the pandemic, he calls me up and he's like, this is awful, man. I know, it's terrible. We have to get together. The brother energy. And I'm. Anytime he says that, I always get a little nervous, but I'm like, oh, okay. The brother energy. We gotta howl at the moon. We gotta grab our groins, we gotta touch our loins. We gotta connect with cocks, you know, cocks with cocks. We. We gotta be brothers, we gotta be men, we gotta be fathers. We gotta be responsible for those around us, blah, blah, blah, in the most non chauvinistic kind of way, the most loving kind of way. He's saying this in. In these. These men retreats that he would put together were awesome and wonderful and all this. But he starts convincing me that I'm gonna go to this, but Astrid is pregnant at the time, and I'm kind of on the fence about it. And then I finally decide, okay, I'm gonna do this. It's two days. We'll test. You know, it's middle of the pandemic. I'm like, we'll test and we'll figure it out. It'll be fine. Yeah. But as further information comes out of this gathering, what I realize is that he starts talking about. My friend's texted me. And he's like, don't worry, man. This is going to be awesome. You know, where else can you. Can brothers touch brothers with. Without fear of repercussion? I'm like, I don't know. SoHo, Midtown Atlanta. I think there's lots of places where brothers could touch brothers without fear of repercussions. 2,023, dude. But, you know, he's like, I just want to give a hug, like a good bear hug to my brothers without a shirt. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Me too, but you're saying it kind of creepy. Dude, you got to back off that a little bit. You trying to convince me to come or not come? I'm not sure. And then he says, our British fluffer friend is going to be there. And I was like, oh, Okay. I can't make it. Well, tied up. Is his girlfriend going to be there? No. Okay. They didn't end up having the retreat in the way in which they intended. It was just a couple guys that got together and went down to Panama City for the weekend. Pretty sure it was just a lot of booze and cocaine, but actually I went to that, so I know it was just a lot of booze, actually. There's a lot of children. But it ended up being a much smaller event than he had planned. But it was. It looked lovely. I mean, all those things. But I just can't stop thinking about this guy running around behind me in the cheetah, talking about how girls want to be with you, men want to be you. It's amazing. You're amazing. You're incredible. Brian Greene. Brian Greene. Even your name is stoic and majestic. It's like you're a cock rising from the loins. I. I wish him nothing but love. I think he's awesome. Yes.

Brian Greene (13:09)

Irving passed away on Tuesday. And by the way, he had been sick for a long time. So this was coming. This was. You know, this is one of those cases where you say, well, thank God he's not suffering anymore. Yes. And he was an older gentleman. He was 90, so he wasn't a spring chicken. It wasn't unexpected, but it was sad nonetheless. So, you know, my mom calls me on Tuesday. I think it is. Hi, Brian. Hi, Mom. You remember Irving. No, Mom, I don't know Irving. Of course I know Irving. He's from New York. Okay, Mom, I get where he's from. And she goes, just to tell me where I know. And so I. I go, oh, I knew what the call was about the second she called and told, asked, you know, if I had. Remember Irving. Remember Irving. That's all we've been talking about for three years. So I say, yeah, Mom. Well, he died last night in his sleep. Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? Yeah, I am. I'm just here watching some qvc. Nothing like healing your wounds with qvc. Listen, honey, can you come to the funeral? I guess, you know, I don't know if I'm like fit in the funeral category. I might fit in the send a text message to family members and let them know that I'm sorry for their loss. But I don't know that I'm like funeral material, right? And what I mean by that is when I have a funeral, when I'm dead, when I'm long and gone, don't have a funeral. Just have a big fucking party. Cremate me, have a party. Throw my ashes in, you know, chop up my ashes and snort them in a party bus. In a party bus on the way to the cheetah. That's right. I don't want any sadness. Don't, don't get all gloom and doom. It's, it happens to everybody. But Irving is Jewish and they don't. Cremation is not a thing. So he's going to be buried in this very large cemetery here in Atlanta. Very famous, very large cemetery here in Atlanta. But I don't know that I'm qualify as the circle of people who you would show up to a funeral when I have a funeral. Please don't let it be like my last bachelor party where literally strangers got invited because they needed to fill seats at the table. That's how boring I have become. But I just didn't think that I needed to show up to the funeral. But after some prodding and my twin brother Kevin, we decided, okay, let's go to the funeral. It's the least we could do for my mom.

Brian Greene (19:30)

And she can overhear us talking about whether or not she's gonna come. She goes, oh, well, I just think there's going to be a few of us here. And don't worry, this won't take long. 10 or 15 minutes. We're gonna say a couple of Hebrew prayers, I'm gonna sing a Hebrew song, and then we'll be done, right? It won't take long. They have two speakers and a microphone set up. Two speakers and a microphone. Who the are we talking to? I can hear you just fine. There's only two of us here. She's right there in front of us. But there is a microphone and two speakers. No fans, but speakers. But maybe I could replace the speakers with fans. That would be great. So now I'm sweating. So now everybody's sweating. I got butt sweat, I got ball sweat, I got arm sweat. I got everywhere. It's every. I'm. I'm wearing gray slacks. They are now dark gray slacks because they are wet everywhere except for my knees. Right. I mean, literally looks like I pissed myself. And I'm like, Holy. 10:30, 10:40, 10:45. I'm like, Geez, where is mom and Irving's son? So the cancer steps in and she goes, hey, listen, I heard from them a little while ago, they're just running a little bit late. The limousine that picked her up, picked them up, is running late. And I'm like, the limousine? My mom can't walk without a walker. How did she get into a limousine? Yeah, but I'm thinking, oh, when she says limousine, she must mean like an uber black, right? Something my mom could step up into or, or you know, sit down in or whatever. No, Chrissy, 1050, 1055, 11, 1105, roll around. Now we have been there for an hour and I am not kidding you. They had covers on the seats. The covers are now sound like wet towels when you sit down on them. They have little things of Kleenex that they put on the, on the seats. And I've gone through two of them, two these things, these bags of Kleenex already, just wiping my forehead. So the canter then says, oh. The phone rings, Canter picks it up. And then she says, oh, they're here, they'll be here. They're, they're running in the front, they're coming in the front door right now. And I'm thinking to myself, thank God, let's get this fucking thing over. I mean, God bless. Or Irving, you know, he, he must be hot. Even Irving's feeling the heat.