Thomas Pfanner is a husband, father of three, combat athlete with nearly 20 years of jiu jitsu training, and a former strength coach at the University of Oregon who was part of a Pac-12 championship team and a Rose Bowl season. After seven years as a public educator watching young men arrive unprepared for the real world, he channeled that frustration into a mission: equipping fathers to become the trusted, respected leaders their kids are actually hungry for. His Amazon bestselling book Dads Who Lead launched September 26th, 2025, and it's already resonating deeply with fathers who want to lead with strength and integrity.

This conversation starts where most parenting conversations are afraid to go. Thomas shares the raw story of his son Charles calling him at 14 to say he was done, the long road of rebuilding that relationship, and the specific leadership shifts that changed everything. From there, we get into the five attributes he outlines in Dads Who Lead — faith, ownership, respect, groundbreaking adventure, and expectation — and how they stack together to help dads go from being a manager to being a mentor their kids actually choose to lean into.

If you've ever felt like you're losing your son or daughter and don't know what to do next, Thomas has lived that story and walked out the other side. And if your relationship with your teenager is already solid, this episode will sharpen the tools you're using and show you where the gaps might be.

Whether you're trying to rebuild a relationship or strengthen one that's already good, this episode is for the dad who refuses to go to his grave wondering what went wrong.

Timeline Summary

[1:02] Thomas welcomes the audience and Larry teases the June offer for Dad Edge Alliance members

[3:15] Thomas shares how Charles at 14 called to say he was moving to his mom's across state — and what led up to that moment

[5:23] The day Thomas couldn't find his son after wrestling practice and the call that changed everything

[6:36] What it felt like to lose 14 years of relationship work in a single phone call — and the journey that followed

[8:23] Thomas and his wife leave their home, jobs, and stability to move across state to pursue Charles before his freshman year

[9:54] Larry previews the show's core topic: how to rebuild and build trust with teenagers, especially when the relationship has been fractured

[13:10] The first step in rebuilding trust wasn't with Charles — it was rebuilding Thomas's belief in himself as a father

[15:40] How Thomas used the concept of "highlight reels" to keep faith in Charles even when the evidence was going the wrong direction

[21:34] The five attributes of leadership from Dads Who Lead: faith, ownership, respect, groundbreaking adventure, and expectation

[24:25] Chip Kelly's single line on expectation that Thomas has never forgotten — and what it means for every parent who lets things slide

[28:11] How Thomas shifted his "brand" from manager to mentor — and why your son has an emotional reaction the moment your name pops up on his phone

[32:30] The two primary engines of respect: action respect and connection respect — and why one matters more to men and one matters more to women

[38:46] Charles's response to the book being out in the world, and where he is now — working full-time and calling his dad 4 or 5 times a week

[41:14] Why the 2027 father-son retreat is going to Normandy, France — and what Thomas wants dads and sons to take home from that week

[43:24] How the retreat program works — who it's for, age requirements, and what physical experiences make it different from other men's events

Five Key Takeaways

Before you can rebuild trust with your teenager, you have to rebuild trust in yourself. Thomas had to stop listening to the comforting voices telling him he'd done enough, anchor into his faith that he was called to be Charles's father for a reason, and believe Charles could become something great before Charles believed it himself.
The brand you've built as a dad is the emotion your kid feels when your name hits their phone screen. You control that brand completely. If they've known you mainly as the person telling them what to do, switching to a mentor who's genuinely curious about their story is what shifts the brand — and softens the resistance when you do need to hold a standard.
There are two ways kids earn respect: through action and through connection. Action respect comes from who you are and how you carry yourself. Connection respect comes from being the person who actually knows their story. The dad who does both is nearly impossible to replace — online or otherwise.
Chip Kelly's line from Dads Who Lead is worth writing on a wall: if you accept it, expect it. Every time you let something slide without a conversation, you're voting for that behavior to continue. Setting expectations your teenager can buy into means they have to understand the why — and that only happens when the relationship is strong enough for them to care.
Rites of passage aren't a tradition for tradition's sake — young men are starving for a moment where someone tells them who they are and gives them permission to step into it. If dads don't create that moment intentionally, the culture, social media, or a peer group will create it for them.

Links & Resources

Dads Who Lead by Thomas Pfanner —
Free leadership style quiz for dads — https://dadswholead.com
Father-son retreat experiences (domestic and Normandy 2027) — https://dadswholead.com/experience
Questions for the Car (free PDF) — https://thedadedge.com/kidquestions
Dad Edge Alliance Mastermind — https://thedadedge.com/join
Podcast shownotes: http://thedadedge.com/1488

Closing

Thomas's story with Charles is one of those episodes that reminds you why we do this work. He didn't coast when it got hard. He made the call, packed up his life, and went after his son — no guarantees, no safety net, just faith that his kid was worth it. If you know a dad who's in that painful season of feeling like he's losing his relationship with his teenager, share this episode with him today. It could be the turning point he didn't know he needed. And if this show has meant something to you, head over and leave a five-star review. It helps more dads find this message.

Go out and live legendary.