In the Field with Stephen Colbert

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Episode Summary Title: In the Field with Stephen Colbert
Release Date: July 28, 2025
Host: Comedy Central

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1. Introduction

In this episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition, host Stephen Colbert ventures "In the Field" to explore various pressing social and political issues with his signature blend of humor and satire. The episode intersperses Colbert’s field reports with humorous advertisements and skits, providing a comprehensive and engaging listening experience.

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2. Carvana Commercial Segment [00:00 - 01:29]

The episode opens with Kristen Bell introducing Carvana, highlighting the ease of selling a car through their platform.

Kristen Bell: "Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your van or license and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon."
[00:07]

Stephen Colbert humorously bids farewell to their old truck, emphasizing the seamless process of Carvana.

Stephen Colbert: "Bye bye Truckee."
[00:19]

The segment concludes with additional details about the service terms and conditions.

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3. Mint Mobile Advertisement [01:00 - 01:48]

Ryan Reynolds takes center stage promoting Mint Mobile, showcasing a reverse auction format to highlight their affordable pricing.

Ryan Reynolds: "With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down... Just 15 bucks a month."
[01:00]

John, presumably a co-host, chimes in to endorse the offer, followed by additional promotional details.

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4. Jobbing of America: Congressional Seats Race [01:48 - 05:48]

Stephen Colbert embarks on a satirical journey through the complexities of running for one of the 469 congressional seats up for grabs.

Key Highlights:

• Principles Over Pollsters:

  Stephen Colbert: "I'm a man of two unshakable principles. What are they?... Your view on security and your view on quality of life."
  [02:30]

• Target Voter Demographics:
  Colbert humorously debates targeting "The Nims" versus "MILFs" (Middle Income Moms), poking fun at political campaign strategies.

  [02:34 - 02:43]

• Fundraising Ethics:
  During a mock interview with John, Colbert declares his openness to accepting funds from opposing groups like the NRA and Brady Handgun Control, highlighting the absurdity of bipartisan funding.

  Stephen Colbert: "Why can't their common ground be my bank account?"
  [03:33]

• Political Ads and Negative Campaigning:
  Colbert parodies campaign advertisements, including absurd accusations against himself and attempts to spin negative claims into positives.

  Stephen Colbert: "I want to spin that into a positive about job creation."
  [04:22]

• Campaign Slogans and Conclusion:
  The segment ends with Colbert presenting a fictitious campaign message filled with humorous non-sequiturs and self-aware satire.

  Stephen Colbert: "November 5th vote Stephen Colbert for government office yet to be determined."
  [04:41]

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5. Smokism: The New Form of Discrimination [05:48 - 10:03]

Colbert introduces a fictional new discrimination called "smokism," addressing societal stigmas against smokers through exaggerated satire.

Key Highlights:

• Definition and Impact:

  Ryan Reynolds: "It's become the new form of discrimination... All we want to do is smoke in peace."
  [06:22]

• Mock Debate with Jon Banzhaf:
  Colbert engages in a fictitious debate with Jon Banzhaf of ASH (Action on Smoking and Health), parodying anti-smoking arguments.

  Stephen Colbert: "Why can't people be allowed to smoke where they want?"
  [07:48]

• Absurd Comparisons:
  The discussion humorously equates smoking bans to other personal freedoms, such as masturbation, to highlight the illogical extremes of discrimination.

  Stephen Colbert: "I think that's enough about masturbation."
  [09:37]

• Conclusion:
  The segment wraps up with satirical reflections on the proposed discrimination, blending humor with a critique of societal norms.

  Ryan Reynolds: "I have a dream that we'll be able to go out in public and socialize..."
  [09:51]

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6. Urban Sprawl and Gun Ranges in Maryland [10:47 - 15:55]

Stephen Colbert investigates the impact of urban sprawl on hunting ranges in Maryland, blending environmental concerns with gun culture satire.

Key Highlights:

• Environmental Impact:

  Stephen Colbert: "Unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of pristine lands and their indigenous wildlife."
  [10:58]

• Interview with Shooting Range Manager Ben Wise:
  Discusses the challenges faced by hunters due to urban development and noise complaints from homeowners.

  Ben Wise: "With the urban sprawl, it's gonna get very tough."
  [12:00]

• Legislative Intervention:
  Introduction of State Senator Phil Gimeno’s bill to protect gun clubs from noise restrictions, satirizing political motivations and NRA influence.

  Stephen Colbert: "You're not supporting this bill because you're in the NRA's pocket."
  [13:44]

• Reversal and Homeowner Concerns:
  John disputes Colbert's favorable reporting, bringing attention to homeowners' valid concerns about noise from firing ranges.

  Homeowner: "There's high powered weaponry firing yards away from their homes 12 hours a day."
  [15:10]

• Final Satirical Twist:
  Colbert humorously suggests that homeowners should arm themselves, blending gun culture with comedic exaggeration.

  Stephen Colbert: "If only they had guns."
  [15:55]

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7. The Penny Debate [16:15 - 20:39]

Colbert delves into the contentious issue of the US penny's relevance, highlighting the polarized opinions surrounding this small denomination.

Key Highlights:

• Arguments to Abolish the Penny:
  Lobbyist Jim Benfield argues against the penny's practicality, citing transaction inefficiencies.

  Jim Benfield: "It's about two to two and a half seconds per cash transaction."
  [16:15]

• Support for the Penny:
  Coin collector Jack Shadig defends the penny’s cultural significance and practicality in transactions.

  Jack Shadig: "Why do you think pennies stir up such deep, fiery emotions?"
  [17:02]

• Expert Opinion - Dr. Bozo Einstein:
  A mock-serious discussion with "Dr. Bozo Einstein" presents absurd solutions to the penny debate, adding layers of satire.

  Dr. Bozo Einstein: "Abolish all other money but the penny."
  [18:55]

• Colbert’s Satirical Analysis:
  Colbert humorously attributes the real reason people dislike pennies to racism, creating an exaggerated and humorous connection between coin colors and historical figures' backgrounds.

  Stephen Colbert: "The penny is brown. Lincoln freed the slave. Sure. So let's get rid of the penny."
  [19:00 - 20:39]

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8. Martin Luther King Day Report from South Carolina [21:44 - 26:44]

In a satirical take on race relations and Confederate symbolism, Colbert reports from South Carolina on the controversial observance of Confederate Memorial Day.

Key Highlights:

• Confederate Flag Controversy:
  Colbert reports on State Senator Glenn McConnell's efforts to replace the Confederate flag with a more "practical" nylon version, mocking superficial solutions to deep-rooted issues.

  Stephen Colbert: "The flag was a problem, but you changed it. How did you do that?... It's weather resistant."
  [10:58 - 12:00]

• Confederate Memorial Day Mandate:
  Introduction of Confederate Memorial Day as a state holiday, juxtaposed with civil rights leader Maurice Besinger's efforts to oppose it.

  Stephen Colbert: "Observe this day that honors those who fought for the Confederate way of life."
  [22:00]

• Satirical Dialogue with Maurice Besinger:
  Through a fictitious conversation, Colbert mocks the justification of Confederate Memorial Day, blending humor with pointed social commentary.

  Maurice Besinger: "We don't believe that Confederate Memorial Day is a day that we should celebrate."
  [23:51]

• Humorous Reflection on Progress and Barbecue:
  The segment concludes with Colbert humorously praising Maurice's barbecue, symbolizing the complex interplay between cultural heritage and modern societal values.

  Stephen Colbert: "It's Maurice's barbecue. It's really amazing... it just blindsided me, John, as a journalist."
  [25:32 - 26:44]

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9. Police State Satire [27:02 - 31:24]

Colbert delivers a darkly comedic segment titled "So You're Living in a Police State," mocking government surveillance and loss of civil liberties.

Key Highlights:

• Introduction to the Police State:
  Colbert personifies the intrusive nature of heightened security measures, exaggerating their effects for comedic impact.

  Stephen Colbert: "Constant government surveillance. Big Brother equals big fun."
  [27:41]

• Mock Government Announcements:
  Satirical advertisements promote absurd security measures, such as Predator drone indicators and oppressive surveillance tactics.

  Stephen Colbert: "Losing something will soon be a thing of the past... while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amerasian child."
  [28:00 - 31:24]

• Humorous Illustrations of Surveillance Overreach:
  The segment lampoons the extent of government control by introducing ludicrous scenarios where privacy is entirely eradicated.

  Stephen Colbert: "Everybody wants to be on television... also in here."
  [29:00]

• Conclusion with Ironic Optimism:
  Colbert wraps up the segment by ironically celebrating the "benefits" of a police state, maintaining his satirical tone.

  Stephen Colbert: "I hope you enjoy the police state."
  [31:24]

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10. War with Iraq: Simulated Reporting [32:47 - 38:19]

In a fictional account, Colbert takes on the role of a war correspondent in a "fake war" scenario, blending absurdity with a critique of media coverage.

Key Highlights:

• Deployment to Fort Dix:
  Colbert narrates his journey to cover war exercises, setting the stage for a chaotic and humorous exploration of media involvement in warfare.

  Stephen Colbert: "My mission would take me deep into the heart of darkness."
  [33:00]

• Encounter with Fellow Reporters:
  Introduction of eclectic characters like "Tiny" and "Crab Cakes," adding layers of comedic interaction and camaraderie in dire situations.

  Stephen Colbert: "Deuces, velvet hat and Crab Cakes. Yeah, Crab Cakes."
  [36:00]

• Chaos in the DMZ (Duh Media Zone):
  Colbert exaggerates the confusion and lack of preparedness in the simulated war zone, highlighting the absurdities of media portrayal in conflict.

  Stephen Colbert: "It's just chaos that can unhinge a man's mind."
  [35:00]

• Emotional and Absurd Reflections:
  The report blends moments of faux seriousness with humorous asides, such as unexpected fatherhood and misplaced priorities amidst "war."

  Stephen Colbert: "I just found out that while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amerasian child. Maylie."
  [37:45]

• Conclusion with Personal Anecdote:
  Colbert ends the segment by humorously questioning the coherence of war and its aftermath, maintaining the satirical narrative.

  Stephen Colbert: "Does anything in war make sense, John?"
  [38:17]

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11. Conclusion

Stephen Colbert wraps up the episode by promoting other Daily Show content and reminding listeners where to access full episodes.

Stephen Colbert: "Watch the Daily Show weeknights on Comedy Central at 11/10c or stream it on Paramount+."
[38:19]

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Notable Quotes

1. On Carvana’s Ease:

   Kristen Bell: "Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your van or license and done."
   [00:07]

2. Campaign Principles:

   Stephen Colbert: "I'm a man of two unshakable principles. What are they?... Your view on security and your view on quality of life."
   [02:30]

3. Smokism Definition:

   Ryan Reynolds: "It's become the new form of discrimination... All we want to do is smoke in peace."
   [06:22]

4. Penny Debate Satire:

   Stephen Colbert: "The penny is brown. Lincoln freed the slave. Sure. So let's get rid of the penny."
   [19:00]

5. Police State Parody:

   Stephen Colbert: "Constant government surveillance. Big Brother equals big fun."
   [27:41]

6. War Correspondent Absurdity:

   Stephen Colbert: "I just found out that while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amerasian child. Maylie."
   [37:45]

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Conclusion

This episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition showcases Stephen Colbert's adeptness at blending sharp political satire with comedic storytelling. Through various segments, Colbert addresses issues ranging from political campaigns and societal discrimination to government surveillance and military reporting, all while maintaining an engaging and humorous narrative. Notable quotes punctuate the discussions, providing memorable insights and enhancing the episode's overall impact.

Transcript

[Kristen Bell]

Hi, I'm Kristen Bell and if you know my husband Dax, then you also know he loves shopping for a car. Selling a car, not so much.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're really doing this, huh?

[Kristen Bell]

Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your van or license and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bye bye Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Of course, we kept the favorite.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hello, other Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply. On WhatsApp, no one can see or hear your personal messages. Whether it's a voice call message or sending a password to WhatsApp, it's all just this. So whether you're sharing the streaming password in the family chat or trading those late night voice messages that could basically become a podcast, your personal messages stay between you, your friend and your family. No one else, not even us. WhatsApp message privately with everyone.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile unlimited premium wireless. 30. 30. Better get 30. Better get 20. 20. 20. Get 20. 20. Better get 15. 15. 15, 15. Just 15 bucks a month.

[John]

Sold.

[Stephen Colbert]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[Kristen Bell]

Of 45 dollars for three month plan equivalent to 15 dollars per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slower after 35 gigabytes of network's busy taxes and fees extra.

[Stephen Colbert]

See mint mobile.com you're listening to Comedy Central.

[John]

There are a whopping four hundred and sixty nine congressional seats up for grabs on Tuesday. But just how do you get one of those positions? Well, our own Stephen Colbert shows us how in another installment of his award winning series, the Jobbing of America.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on America, let's go. Jobbing. The first thing I'll need is a set of heartfelt ideas and opinions. Congressmen get those from pollster strategists like Kellyanne Conway. I'm not here to be twisted and molded and baked in your focus group fired kiln. I'm a man of two unshakable principles. What are they?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Your view on security and your view.

[Stephen Colbert]

On quality of life. Which group of voters will be the most important? Forget soccer moms from the 90s. You want to get. Not yet. Moms. The Nims.

[Ryan Reynolds]

They're the ones you want to get.

[Stephen Colbert]

What about the MILFs? The MILFs? Middle Income Moms. I'd like to. It's a Fairly large demographic you probably should not run. Okay, great. Now, I have long held personal beliefs. I could either go door to door to communicate those ideas to like minded citizens with a grassroots campaign, or I could get some money and actually win. For that I turned to fundraiser Mike Frioli.

[John]

Are there groups out there from whom you would not take money?

[Stephen Colbert]

No.

[John]

Would you take money from the National Rifle Association?

[Stephen Colbert]

Absolutely.

[John]

Okay. Would you take money from Handgun Control? The Brady Handgun Control?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[John]

They're on opposite sides. There is no middle.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why can't their common ground be my bank account?

[John]

Soliciting them both is not going to work.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't see why not.

[John]

I see what you're doing there, Steve, and I wish you luck in your campaign, but it's not gonna work for you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okie doke. Now that I've got loads of cash, I can hire a political ad maker like Bill Greener to help me communicate my positive message of hope. When do I get to go negative? I wanna go negative before my opponent does.

[John]

Generally speaking, the rule of thumb is if you know something's gonna happen, predict it.

[Stephen Colbert]

My opponent has accused me of running a sweatshop that made knockoff FUBU sportswear that I then sold to the African American community at criminally inflated prices. But there is zero paperwork to back that up. Is the attack.

[John]

Is the attack by your opponent true or not true?

[Stephen Colbert]

No. It's a misunderstanding. The truth is that I know a large number of people in the immigrant Filipino community who needed some place to do their sewing. But I don't see that as a negative. I want to spin that into a positive about job creation.

[John]

That dog doesn't hurt.

[Stephen Colbert]

My political education complete. I'm ready to introduce myself to America. A vote for Stephen Colbert is a vote for family. My wife Barbara and I did our best to teach our children Christian values. And I'm committed to doing the same thing with this woman I left Barbara for and ideas. I believe that elementary schools should be for our children. But my opponent is against all that. My opponent wants to raid the Social Security Trust Fund and use your tax dollars to tear down buildings like this one. I don't care how many votes it costs me. I say let our national monuments for our children. It's your choice, America. I believe the letters USA stand for something. And that's us. November 5th vote Stephen Colbert for government office yet to be determined. Paid for by Greenpeace and the national.

[John]

Association of Whale Killers. Now, our country has gone a long way towards overcoming racial discrimination. But sadly, other kinds of bigotry have emerged to take its place. Recently, our own Stephen Colbert blew the lid off one new form of intolerance.

[Stephen Colbert]

Swing Low, Sweet Cherry Up. Audrey Silk has been kept down so long, she don't know what up is.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's become the new form of discrimination that's acceptable to everybody. It's created the second class group of citizens that we haven't heard about since the 60s. There are some of us who just don't want to take that anymore. All we want to be able to do is smoke in peace.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's called smokism, the systematic oppression of a minority simply because they were born smokers. Are smokers discriminated against on a daily basis?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes. You can't smoke in most restaurants, you can't smoke in your workplace. It's gotten even worse than segregation. Not only are they trying to put us on the back of the bus, but even more so, off the bus completely.

[Stephen Colbert]

Rosa Parks didn't know how good she had it. And like a white female nicotine addicted Martin Luther King, Audrey advocates civil disobedience.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I would like to all the smokers to start smoking in places they're not supposed to smoke.

[Stephen Colbert]

But the man, he don't care. Meet non smoking supremacist Jon Banzhaf. This old whitey heads a group of smoke hating crackers called ash. What does ASH stand for? Let me guess. Just tell me if I get a word wrong. Aryan Stop.

[John]

ASH stands for Action on Smoking and Health.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why shouldn't people be allowed to smoke where they want?

[John]

Why shouldn't people be allowed to masturbate where they want?

[Stephen Colbert]

I ask myself that question every day.

[John]

According to the Centers for Disease Control, the American Medical association, the World Health Organization, every scientific and medical body which has studied the subject. It kills more than half a million Americans each year.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're talking about smoking, not masturbating, right? Sure, the AMA and the CDC are convinced, but what about this guy in the short sleeves? Mr. Colby, are you a medical doctor?

[John]

Oh, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have you ever done medical research in a laboratory setting? Oh, no. With all this expertise, what conclusions have you come to?

[John]

Smoking does not cause lung cancer.

[Stephen Colbert]

Good enough for me. So where did the cancer hoax begin? You won't be one bit surprised.

[John]

Well, it goes back to Nazi Germany.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, maybe a little surprised. Mr. Colby, did Hitler smoke? Oh, no.

[John]

He hated smokers.

[Stephen Colbert]

Which leads to one obvious question, Professor Banzhaf. Name one way you're not Hitler.

[John]

That's the stupidest question I ever heard. I wouldn't even find it.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll take that as A I don't have a mustache.

[John]

I think you will.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's get back to masturbation for a second. Where does that right stop?

[John]

Simply because you want to do something doesn't mean that you have a right to do it. If that logic prevails, then there should be masturbation and non masturbation sections in restaurants and workplaces and airplanes.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think that's enough about masturbation. I don't know why you keep harping on that. You keep bringing it up. You brought it up. For now, all smokers can do is keep their eyes on the prize.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I have a dream that we'll be able to go out in public and socialize with our friends and our family in settings outside the home.

[Stephen Colbert]

A dream that one day will all be judged by the content of our character and not the color of our lungs. This episode is brought to you by Liquid iv. In heart pumping moments, you need hydration that can keep up. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Scientifically formulated to quickly replenish electrolytes and fluids lost from your well earned sweat session. Hydrate your favorite mode of movement with Liquid iv. Made with triple the electrolytes of the leading sports drink, plus eight vitamins and nutrients also available and sugar free tear pour live more. Visit liquidiv.com to learn more.

[John]

For years, unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of pristine lands and indigenous wildlife. Stephen Colbert went to Maryland to file this disturbing report.

[Stephen Colbert]

Someone once said, unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of its pristine lands and their indigenous wildlife. And now it is threatening the habitat of one of America's most treasured species. The gun enthusiast known for their colorful plumage and 12 gauge mating calls. These gentle killing machines must have shooting ranges so they can shoot stuff. Ahead of me, you can see some hunters. It's a small pack. I'm not gonna get too close. They have guns, but even guns won't protect them from the sprawl. I spoke with firing range manager Ben Wise. Are you concerned about the shrinking habitat of the hunter? With the urban sprawl, it's gonna get very tough. And these skeet shooters maintain a delicate symbiotic relationship with ski. How many clay pigeons do you have here on the preserve? We'll have close to 90,000amonth. Do the hunters tend to keep that number down? Ho. What we're looking at, is it endangered? Yes. Yes, it is endangered. Because a scant 75 yards away, heartless homeowners like Byron Belcher are complaining about the noise. Even though the shooting range was there before the development? Well, the development was here before the shooting range was. Whatever. The point is these soulless homeowners are less concerned about protecting the heavily armed gunman and more concerned about their ears. I have a problem with the noise, which is very loud and it's continuous. Why can't you live peacefully with the firing range? They live peacefully with you, except for all the shooting. Why do you think people complain about the sounds of nature? Well, they just want to complain about something, I guess. There are a lot louder things that you could live next to a dynamite factory because of a senseless sound ordinance. For a perilous moment, it appeared that the silence mongers would prevail. But when all seemed lost, state senator and gun lover lover Phil Gimeno bravely stepped in to protect the nesting place of the khaki vested marksman.

[John]

We passed legislation to protect existing gun clubs so they can maintain their hours of operation.

[Stephen Colbert]

His heroic bill freed gun clubs from noise restrictions. For the record, you're not supporting this bill because you're in the NRA's pocket. They don't own you. You're not there. Puppet on a string. You're not a wind up toy to which the NRA has the key. You're not in the NRA's harem. No one in the NRA is going to say that one there with the fiery eyes. Have him bathed and brought to my tent. That's not gonna happen.

[John]

That's exactly right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Regardless of whose bitch Senator Jimeno isn't. The shooting range is protected for now, But America's wilderness is still disappearing. And its bewildered, displaced inhabitants are quickly becoming a danger to us and sadly, to themselves.

[John]

Stephen Colbert, nicely done. Excellent report. I hate to contradict. I hate to contradict that report, Stephen. Obviously you put a lot of time and effort into it, but I think maybe the neighbors might have a valid argument. The homeowners.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, I'll bite. What is it?

[John]

There's high powered weaponry firing yards away from their homes 12 hours a day. Could be kind of nerve wracking.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. No one ever really put it quite like that, John. God, suddenly I really feel for the homeowners. Hold on, hold on just a second. Chuck, could I get a close up? Those poor homeowning bastards. If only they had guns.

[John]

Thank you, Stephen. Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right back. 13 million pennies are minted every day. But now some are saying enough is enough. Keep the penny or lose the penny. Stephen Colbert tries to make sense of the heated debate.

[Stephen Colbert]

A pretty penny. Penny for your thoughts. Penny Marshall. The $0.01 piece is as American as apple pie. But to some, the penny has become public enemy number one. The penny is a nuisance. Period. End of discussion. Jim Benfield is a Washington lobbyist crusading against the penny because of all the time it wastes. It's about two to two and a half seconds per cash transaction. But Washington DC's chief coin collector, Jack Shadig, is eloquently pro penny. Why do you think pennies stir up such deep, fiery emotions? I think there's a lot. The penny is.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's part of.

[Stephen Colbert]

Part of your. Of what things are. I. Clearly there are passionate arguments to be made on both sides of this divisive issue. And so, to quell the controversy, we turn to a voice of reason. Meet Dr. Bozo Einstein, noted social philosopher and monetary theorist, who has a theory about money.

[John]

Theory stems from the word theos, which is blasphemy for the mighty Zeus. I do not have theories on anything.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, theories, no. But a 350 page manifesto, yes. Okay, I think I have the basic idea. But what about pennies?

[John]

I like the penny. It's brown. It's different.

[Stephen Colbert]

A powerful argument. And furthermore, without pennies, how would we pay at the register? What you do is you round the transaction up or down to the nearest nickel. 1 and 2 go down. 3, 4 go up. 6, 7 go down. 8, 9 goes up. But how simple is rounding in reality? Take us through it, doctor. Let's crunch some numbers.

[John]

Okay, now, to my knowledge, volume of a penny is 1.38 times 10 to the negative 5 cubic foot.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, are we getting close here?

[John]

I'll figure it out. I'm owning and on today.

[Stephen Colbert]

You got it. All right, all right, all right. Given the obvious complexities of rounding, Dr. Einstein offers the only logical answer to the penny debate.

[John]

Abolish all other money but the penny.

[Stephen Colbert]

A common sense solution, but one that sadly falls on deaf ears. One expert says the penny is the only coin we should keep. Oh, I'd like to talk to that person. Ha. Get my phone number. I will, I will.

[John]

Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. Excellent. Thank you, J. Stephen, it seems like the only reason that people want to get rid of pennies is because it wastes transaction time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, that's what they'd have you believe, John. But I believe that the real reason is racism. John, the penny is brown. Lincoln freed the slave. Sure. So let's get rid of the penny.

[John]

I think that's a reach, John.

[Stephen Colbert]

Trust me on this. 1. There's a pattern here. The nickel is shiny. It's almost white. Jefferson's on the nickel. Jefferson had slaves. Jefferson had sex with slaves. Washington is on the quarter. He's white. He had slaves. Kennedy, the half dollar white. He had slaves.

[John]

I don't think Kennedy had slaves.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure, John. And he was monogamous and assassinated.

[John]

Thank you, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you, John.

[Kristen Bell]

This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this, adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives. But are we investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that. After school treat start prioritizing their financial education and future. Today with a risk free [e-mail] Spotify greenlight.com Spotify Summer's here bringing sunshine, road trips, beach days and sweat. Without the right underwear, things get uncomfortable fast. That's where Meundies comes in. Made with unbelievably soft, breathable micromodal fabric, Meundies helps you stay cool even when the temperature from briefs to boxers, cheeky cuts to bralettes, Meundies has it all. To score sizzling summer deals like up to 50% off, go to Meundies.com Spotify and enter promo code Spotify.

[John]

Martin Luther King Day is, among other things, a time to look back on how far race relations have come in these United States. Stephen Colbert traveled down south to file this inspiring report.

[Stephen Colbert]

Has there been progress? Well, in South Carolina, a long standing problem with the Confederate flag flying at the State House has finally been resolved thanks to the heroic efforts of forward thinking State Senator Glenn McConnell. The flag was a problem, but you changed it. How did you do that? The first flag that went up was cotton and we changed it to a nylon flag. The flag out there now is weather resistant. That sounds like progress to me. Yeah, but sadly, inequity still exists between the races. So state lawmakers tried to even the playing field by supporting the greatest of all civil rights holidays. We made Confederate Memorial Day a mandatory state holiday. But in South Carolina, shockingly less than 5%. Observe this day that honors those who fought for the Confederate way of life. But civil rights leader slash barbecue king Maurice Besinger is fighting to change that. Don't you think Confederate Memorial Day was the sort of thing that Martin Luther King was fighting for?

[John]

Yes, Yes, I think Dr. Martin Luther King would support Confederate Memorial Day. Today.

[Stephen Colbert]

And like Martin Luther King, he believes that the truth will set you free. Truth is the truth.

[John]

And the truth is that black people are much better off here today than if it had stayed in Africa.

[Stephen Colbert]

No more tigers.

[John]

No more, Right?

[Stephen Colbert]

No more. Well, I wish I knew more about Africa, but no more of a lot of things.

[John]

Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Maurice's need to speak the truth has led to a boycott of his chain of cozy restaurants, his delicious barbecue sauce, and his fashionable line of Confederate tube socks. All this only proves there are some in the south who still discriminate. Why are you so bent on keeping the Confederacy down?

[John]

We don't believe that Confederate Memorial Day is a day that we should celebrate. It would represent torture, slavery, exclusion, and all the things that we would not embrace as Americans and lovers of freedom.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, but why else. Why would anyone want to take away Confederate Memorial Day? Isn't it bad enough the south got its tail kicked in the Civil War? I mean, kicked all over the place, like left and right, like, slapped.

[John]

Well, it.

[Stephen Colbert]

We need to. Like they were just a bunch of silly little girls wearing frock coats, pretending to fight. Though he may not win, Maurice finds solace in the words of an old Confederate hymn.

[John]

Are you familiar with the work of.

[Stephen Colbert]

The British poet William Idle?

[John]

Not really.

[Stephen Colbert]

He wrote, if I remember correctly, in the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more. With a rebel yellow she cried more, more, more, more, more, more. Don't you think that captures something about something?

[John]

We'll keep on going. We're never gonna give up. We're gonna get our rights back.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're the Rebe. Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert. Excellent work.

[John]

Fine recording. Stephen, if I may, incredible reporting about a pretty painful issue. Did you find in your travels down there any bright spot in all this?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, John, thankfully there is one bright spot. It's Maurice's barbecue. It's. It's really amazing. You know, I didn't think I was going to want the. I didn't think I really enjoyed the mustard based barbecue sauce, but I have to tell you, it's really got some zip.

[John]

Well, if I could just. Getting back to the story at hand, I was actually surprised by how far clearly we still have to go to heal the wounds of racism. It's surprising.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. That didn't really surprise me. What did surprise me was just how sweet this sauce is without surrendering any of its spices. You know, it's really. I don't know whether it's jalapeno or cayenne or something, but it just blindsided me, John, as a journalist.

[John]

Stephen, I noticed in the report. Didn't you mention that there was a boycott against Maurice's barbecue?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, and I fully support it, John. I mean, I didn't get any coleslaw or any hush puppies. Power to the people, John. We can change the world.

[John]

Now, the discovery of forgotten surgical instruments wedged into your digestive tract is but one of many advantages to the heightened state of security here in America. The Bush administration's new Patriot act also allows for search without warrant and detention without a lawyer. It's a brave new world, and our Stephen Colbert explores it in a segment we call. So you're living in a police state.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, hi. I didn't see you there in the sprinkler head. I'm Stephen Colbert, and welcome to so you're living in a police stake. Attorney General John Ashcroft has been working overtime to give the government sweeping new powers in the name of national security. Of course, Nervous Nellies and Constitution huggers have been crying foul. Hopefully today I can show you how the curtailing of your civil liberties doesn't have to be oppressive. It can be fun. Pressive. So join me, won't you? Who knows, you may even end up on a list. Oops a daisy. Forgot I was on camera. Constant government surveillance. Big Brother equals big fun. Everybody wants to be on television. And thanks to the new police state, everybody will be. Not just on the street. Also in here. Even in here. And who. Who knows where else? Hey, there's something I didn't know. I have a polyp. Thanks. Police state. Invasion of privacy. How omniscient. Government supercomputers can work for you. Losing something can be so frustrating, it's hard to remember where we put things. And psychics can be so expensive. But thanks to. Thanks to the new Department of Homeland Security, losing something will soon be a thing of the past. What? I'm gonna. The president. Hey, guys, where are my keys? Thanks. You guys are sweethearts. Homeland Security is every patriot's duty. You can get into the act too. Die. Citizen surveillance. Who would you like to see arrested? Does your neighbor have something you covet? Hello, government. This is Jack. Jack Glison. Anyway, my neighbor has been acting kind of suspicious. I notice he eats a lot of falafel and baba ganoush and stuff. And presto Vetrayo. He's declared an enemy combatant. And the government doesn't even have to tell him what he's charged with. I'll keep an eye on her for you. Habib. Don't Worry if he's innocent, he'll be released eventually. You're soft. To protect yourself from your neighbor's inevitable counter betrayal, you might want to spray paint the Ten Commandments on the roof of your house. This will let the Predator drone surveillance aircraft know you're one of the good guys. But Stephen, you're probably being recorded as saying, doesn't all this government spying on its citizens mean losing our basic freedoms? Of course not. It means gaining limits on those freedoms. Something Uncle Sam likes to call freedom plus. And there's so many more benefits in a fear based economy. Everybody's a spy. Total surveillance means total employment. Also, all additional benefits classified under the United States patriot Act of 2001. For further information about these benefits, report to federal detention centers. Uh, happy clown candy centers. Of course, not everybody can handle that much freedom. For those who absolutely need their privacy, these convenient privacy boxes are just the ticket to get away from it all. I'm Stephen Colbert. I hope you've learned something tonight. But most of all, I hope you enjoy the police state. John.

[John]

Thank you, Stephen. You know, that wasn't dark enough. We'll be right back.

[Stephen Colbert]

This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. When you visit the doctor, you probably hand over your insurance, your ID and contact details. It's just one of the many places.

[John]

That has your personal info.

[Stephen Colbert]

And if any of them accidentally expose it, you could be at risk for identity theft. Lifelock monitors millions of data points a second. If you become a victim, they'll fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. Save up to 40% your first [e-mail] podcast terms apply. Your burger is served. And this is our finest Pepsi Zero sugar. Its sweet profile perfectly balances the savory notes of your burger. That is one perfect combination.

[Kristen Bell]

Burgers deserve Pepsi. Living with schizophrenia isn't easy, especially when you're not getting relief from some of your symptoms. It can be hard when you're still dealing with symptoms like hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there. And negative symptoms like feeling unmotivated or avoiding social situations. If this sounds familiar, it might be time to talk to your healthcare provider and explore a different kind of schizophrenia treatment. Discover your [e-mail].

[John]

And as our military gets ready for war with Iraq, the question remains, will our media be ready for war with Iraq? We got a chance to find out when we sent our own Stephen Colbert to the front lines to find out.

[Stephen Colbert]

I got my orders at dawn. The military was conducting war exercises at Fort Dix to show the media what it would be like to cover a real war in Iraq. My mission would take me deep into the heart of darkness. Southern mid New Jersey. A nightmare realm where all the rest stops have Roy Rogers. At the base we met Lieutenant Colonel Hudspath. Tough old bastard, hard as nails. If you for any reason feel like I'm just too. I wasn't prepared for this. Please tell us because we want to get you back into a warm van. I knew I was gonna hate this guy. We were a ragtag group. Kids mostly. There was the Fresh Faced 40 Year Old from TV Guide. We called him Tiny. South Korean correspondent Kim Park, AKA Brooklyn. There was Deuces, velvet hat and Crab Cakes. Yeah, Crab Cakes. We marched out to the DMZ Duh Media zone knowing that some of us wouldn't be coming back until about 4:30. At first we didn't trust each other. I don't trust you. Then gradually, over time, with patience, we earned each other's trust. Okay, I trust you now. Crab Cakes had been there since 10am the ordeal had cut the humanity right out of him. In all that time, how many people do you think you've shot? Yeah man, after the first 10, you just. You lose, King. I'm just glad that crazy bastard was on our side. The morning crawled on. We were ready for action. And by action of course, I mean the 10:30 seminar on press conference protocol. But evidently the first casualty of a fake war is the itinerary. Due to technical delays, we're not yet ready to present the ambush scenario. So noon brought a surprise. Still more nothing. The only thing that kept us sane was remembering those we loved the most. My dearest, how I long to be alone with you. To run my fingers through your raven hair. To touch your milk white skin. It is 02.15 o'. Clock. We've been here for, I don't know, a long time. It is so cold I could snap my genitals off like a graham cracker. Then suddenly, completely with warning, we were in the thick of it. And all our training went out the window. Get a shot of this. Get that, get that, get that. This is incredibly confusing. Nobody knows who's with cbs, who's with upi. It's just. It's just chaos. The kind of chaos that can unhinge a man's mind. I love musicals. And in the middle of the madness, the unthinkable happened. I just wanted to get out of there. But then I remembered the number one rule for reporters covering fake a war. Never leave any man behind. I see Deuces. Okay, I see Crab Cake. How about I don't see Brooklyn? Brooklyn. Brooklyn. That's my ride. Well, he's just one man. We can leave him. As I said goodbye to Deuces, Crab Cake, and this guy. Let's call him Huggy. I knew I wasn't the only person this day would haunt forever. Do you think this experience might haunt you? Not at all. The horror. The horror. Where had I parked my Volvo? Stephen Colbert. That was in front of. That was.

[John]

Stephen, thank you so much for that report. It was very. It seems like you had a very profound experience.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, John. And it's far from over.

[John]

Uh, what do you mean? I thought it was just a day.

[Stephen Colbert]

So did I, John. But I just found out that while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amerasian child. Maylie. There she is. Isn't she beautiful, John? My angel.

[John]

She is quite beautiful. How old is she, Stephen?

[Stephen Colbert]

She's nine.

[John]

I don't want to question this, but you just shot the story last week, so that doesn't make any sense.

[Stephen Colbert]

Does anything in war make sense, John?

[John]

Thank you very much, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.