Transcript
Trevor Noah (0:01)
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Jordan Klepper (1:01)
Today you're listening to Comedy Central.
Desi Lydic (1:08)
So let's get to the big story. Americans are still trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following the disastrous Oval Office meeting between the president, J.D. vance, and Vladimir Zelinsky. What happened? They say, are we still America? They say, whose side are we on? They say, it's complicated. The best way that I can explain what happened and show Americans how to process this new reality was with another shocking turn of events from this weekend.
Trevor Noah (1:41)
On Saturday night at the elimination chamber, the WWE shocked the world as John Cena joined the rock and attacked Cody Rhodes.
Desi Lydic (1:54)
Now, if that does not immediately explain to you our current geopolitical climate.
Trevor Noah (2:08)
You.
Desi Lydic (2:09)
Must have grown out of watching wrestling through the normal course of aging. I, on the other hand, understand this in my bones. This explains it, folks. All of your shock, all of your disappointment, all of your anger, it's in there. It's in the squared circle. You see Saturday night. Oh, we're doing this Saturday night. John Cena, the good guy of professional wrestling. Mr. Hussle, the champ, the man who stood for everything. Truth, justice. The guy who literally holds the record for the most Make a Wish foundation meetings of all time. People would get cancer just to meet John Cena. Last weekend, Cena flipped the script and went from being a face, a good guy to a heel. Now, if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if you watch this show, you do not. Judging. Judging from. All right, but let me continue to bore you with this metaphor. So here's what happened. The current WWE Champion is one Cody Rhodes. Seven people say around Cody Rhodes is the people's champ. Unquestioned bravery. He stands in for Zelensky in this metaphor. A couple of weeks ago, the Rock, the now evil owner of the wwe, Putin in our story, made Cody Rhodes an offer. The one thing that I want more than anything in this world is that I want your soul. Put it he wants Zelensky soul. But, sir. The but, sir, I am smaller and weaker than you. It will take incredible bravery for me to protect my soul and the soul of my people. But luckily, I am not protecting my soul alone, for I have the support of the great John Cena. So Cody Rhodes, Zelensky told Vladimir Putin, rock, no soul for you, mother. And that's when they met in the Oval Office. America went to hug Zelensky. But when America looked up, somehow Putin had given John Cena the international sign for its time. And rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the Rock was cooking. And through that borschti haze, America delivered the nutshot. The nutshot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere. And then for no reason, America jumped on Zelenskyy and started punching him in the face as many times as he. Good. Too simplistic. No, this is it. Am I being too simplistic? Assigning to the delicate art of realpolitik a scripted outcome? Perhaps, but judge for yourself.
