TDS Time Machine | Best of Lewis Black Pt. 2

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – Episode: TDS Time Machine | Best of Lewis Black Pt. 2

Release Date: December 31, 2024

---

1. Navigating the Scorching Summer Heat

Lewis Black kicks off the episode by humorously addressing the unprecedented summer heat, labeling it the "dog days of summer." He shares his personal struggles with the extreme temperatures, including a comedic anecdote about attempting to use a Slip 'n Slide that left him comically inconvenienced:

"It used to belong to the kid next door... this summer it's so hot, you can't even make it down the slide without your nuts sticking to the vinyl." — Lewis Black [00:47]

The discussion shifts to the broader impact of the heat wave across the United States. Desi Lydic highlights record-breaking temperatures, noting:

"Monday was the hottest day ever recorded on Earth. The previous record, which was set on Sunday, only lasted 24 hours." — Desi Lydic [01:09]

Black amplifies the severity by mocking the potential for human-induced planetary destruction, juxtaposing it with natural disasters:

"We can destroy the planet ourselves. We don't need an asteroid like you pussies." — Lewis Black [01:22]

The conversation delves into the practical consequences of the heat, such as safety issues on flights:

"Southwest Airlines has reported about 20 employees have been injured by exploding soda cans this summer alone." — Jon Stewart [02:16]

Black takes this further with hyperbolic humor about the dangers of carrying soda on planes:

"It’s so hot that our soda cans are joining Al Qaeda." — Lewis Black [02:21]

2. Death Valley and Unusual Cooking Methods

The episode transitions to Death Valley National Park, where Desi Lydic describes how park rangers have embraced the heat by encouraging visitors to take pictures in front of the scorching thermometers:

"Hovering around 130 degrees, you can definitely feel the heat on your skin. Honestly, it's definitely shocking." — Desi Lydic [03:21]

Black sarcastically comments on the park's promotional tactics and the absurdity of extreme heat:

"Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley. That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they sell at Burger King." — Lewis Black [03:40]

He further mocks unconventional cooking methods adopted due to the heat:

"Global warming means you can cook right in your car. Which is great news for my new restaurant, Lewis Black's Hyundai Sonata Chimichangas." — Lewis Black [04:21]

3. The Influence of Social Media in Elections

A significant portion of the episode critiques the increasing role of social media influencers in political campaigns. Black expresses disdain for the reliance on influencers, likening their influence to questionable products:

"Our election rests with the same people trying to sell you diarrhea infused beauty cream." — Lewis Black [07:41]

Desi Lydic elaborates on how both major political parties are courting social media stars to engage young voters:

"From TikTok to Instagram, online platforms are becoming a key tool for political campaigns, young people not just political news." — Desi Lydic [07:16]

Black mocks specific instances, such as meetings between traditional politicians and TikTok personalities, highlighting the superficial nature of these interactions:

"Like when Trump and Logan Paul had this meeting of the minds." — Lewis Black [09:XX]

4. Undecided Voters and Election Final Stretch

The discussion shifts to the critical role of undecided voters in the upcoming election. Black ridicules the concept of undecided voters, suggesting their indecision is both baffling and problematic:

"How is anyone still undecided in this election? At this point, choosing a candidate should be easy." — Lewis Black [13:07]

Desi Lydic underscores the importance of targeting these voters in battleground states, emphasizing their potential to sway the election outcome:

"Undecided voters in battleground states could decide it all." — Desi Lydic [13:32]

Black continues his satirical take on the seriousness of voter decision-making, questioning the genuine reasons behind voter indecision:

"Maybe they have a good reason for being idiots. Has anyone asked them what the hangup is?" — Lewis Black [14:56]

5. Coping with Election Results: From Rage Rooms to Primal Screams

Post-election anxiety and coping mechanisms are humorously dissected. Desi Lydic introduces various methods people are using to deal with election stress:

"Violence rage rooms have seen a spike in business since the election." — Jon Stewart [21:09]

Black parodies the extremes of political anger, contrasting conservative and liberal responses:

"Democrats can't even get mad correctly. Conservatives storm the Capitol." — Lewis Black [21:20]

He mocks liberal coping strategies like "primal scream events," suggesting their ineffectiveness:

"Hope. So if I don't have a decision, I probably just won't vote. Finally, someone talking sense." — Lewis Black [17:44]

6. Exiting America: The Ultimate Election Hangover Cure

In a final comedic twist, Black fantasizes about escaping the political turmoil by moving abroad, specifically to an Italian village offering cheap homes:

"A small Italian village is offering cheap homes to Americans who want to leave the U.S. Yes, a village whose population disappeared." — Lewis Black [24:42]

He humorously invents his own "solution" for escaping election woes:

"I'm offering a product of my own. I call it the Forever Sleepy Time Brick." — Lewis Black [24:42]

7. Final Thoughts on Voter Responsibility

Closing the episode, Lewis Black delivers a passionate plea about the importance of voting, contrasting his call for responsibility with the superficial appeals of social media influencers:

"Hi, I'm Lewis Black... Maybe not for everyone, because if you're waiting for a Kardashian to tell you who to vote for, go ahead and sit down this one out." — Lewis Black [17:44]

He emphasizes the gravity of democracy and the essential role each individual's vote plays:

"It's a big responsibility, a sacred right. ... If you're undecided, come election day, do the right thing." — Lewis Black [17:44]

---

Conclusion

This episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition masterfully intertwines humor with incisive commentary on pressing issues such as climate change, the infiltration of social media into politics, and the critical nature of voter participation. Lewis Black leads with sharp wit, highlighting the absurdities and challenges of contemporary society, while Desi Lydic provides complementary insights that ground the conversation in real-world implications. Together, they deliver a compelling and entertaining critique of the current socio-political landscape, making complex topics accessible and engaging for listeners.

Transcript

[Jon Stewart]

Hey, everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcast.

[Desi Lydic]

Hey, everyone, Desi Lydic here. The daily show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in the New Year on January 7th with all new episodes.

[Lewis Black]

We are officially in the dog days of summer, which means I can finally bust out my Slip n Slide. It used to belong to the kid next door, but it turns out a lot of kids stuff you can just walk up and take. But this summer it's so hot, you can't even make it down the slide without your nuts sticking to the vinyl.

[Desi Lydic]

It's been one of the hottest summers on record across the US A relentless heat wave smashing records in the Northeast. Monday was the hottest day ever recorded on Earth. The previous record, which was set on Sunday, only lasted 24 hours.

[Lewis Black]

It's hot. Really, really hot. The hottest day ever recorded on Earth. Suck on that, dinosaurs. We can destroy the planet ourselves. We don't need an asteroid like you pussies. Yes, this summer the heat is kicking our ass more than usual. Last week it was so hot in New York that, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, I asked the Hoktua girl to hit me in the forehead. And this isn't just your classic heat wave that only kills some old people that no one cares about. The heat is so extreme, it's causing shit that's never happened before. Blazing temperatures outdoors can wreak havoc inside airplanes. These soda cans all exploded on Southwest flights due to extreme heat exposure.

[Jon Stewart]

The problem is widespread. Southwest Airlines has reported about 20 employees.

[Lewis Black]

Have been injured by exploding soda cans this summer alone. What the hell? It's so hot that our soda cans are joining Al Qaeda. I don't want to die in a plane crash because of cherry Coke. I want to die because the Boeing guys forgot to tighten the screw. This is a disaster. What happens if planes have to get rid of soda? What am I supposed to drink on a flight now? Whiskey. Then another whiskey. What am I supposed to mix the whiskey with another whiskey now? I haven't had enough. You've had enough? This is clearly a reckoning, but I'm sure humans will take this as a sign that climate change is a serious threat. And not a chance for an idiotic photo op.

[Desi Lydic]

At Death Valley national park, they actually embraced the heat, encouraging tourists to take pictures in front of the park's thermometer. Right now, hovering around 130 degrees, you can definitely feel the heat on your skin. Honestly, it's definitely shocking. I don't know how anything can survive out here.

[Lewis Black]

Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley. That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they sell at Burger King. You idiot. Now, you'd think park rangers would be warning people about the deadly heat, but instead, they're getting in on the fun. Park rangers have a tasty way to show you just how hot it is inside your car. So rangers at Socuro national park by Tucson made banana bread inside their car.

[Desi Lydic]

Some other things you can make inside your car. Cookies, eggs, and even stuffed bell peppers.

[Lewis Black]

Who stuff some bell pepper? Yes, Global warming means you can cook right in your car. Which is great news for my new restaurant, Lewis Black's Hyundai Sonata Chimichangas. The secret ingredient is wiper fluid. So, yes, as we've known for a while, every year the Earth is getting hotter and hotter. Like me and Paul Rudd. And that's why we need every single government body working to fix the product problem. Instead of jerking us around with elementary school science projects, the National Weather Service.

[Desi Lydic]

Put on a colorful display of the record setting heat wave hitting Las Vegas. Check out this time lapse of the extreme temps turning crayons into colored cream. This interesting experiment really puts in perspective just how hot it is out there. I feel like if you could just sort of freeze that and then, you know, you can make a little bit of art out of it. I think so too, right? Yes, that's cool. But I mean, really not cool.

[Lewis Black]

We're all gonna die. Thanks, National Weather Service. Now we all know what it would look like if a pack of Skittles got its period. So quick safety tip, okay? If you're gonna leave your kid in a hot car, remember to grab the crayons first. It's hard to know whether to be more worried about the record heat or. Or the record stupidity. But at least when the Earth finally explodes, we'll be eating delicious dashboard banana bread along the way. Thomas Jefferson was right when he famously said, presidential elections suck ass. Hell, I have to stay drunk from April to November just to get through it. Which is two weeks longer than I'm normally Drunk. But this election sucks extra ass because it might have huge consequences for our country. And it all comes down to turning out one crucial voting block. Young people. Sticky, disgusting young people. Now, it used to be that all you needed to turn out young voters was. Was a beloved musing star threatening to kill people. God, that was fun, wasn't it? Can you believe P. Diddy turned out to be an alleged sexual abuser? And here I thought he was just a harmless murderer. But these days, if candidates want to reach young people, there's really only one way. Social media influencers.

[Desi Lydic]

From TikTok to Instagram, online platforms are becoming a key tool for political campaigns, young people, not just political news. But a lot of people use YouTube and TikTok. Social media influencers descending on the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. Both parties officially inviting and credentialing hundreds of content creators to help draw eyeballs to their platforms and candidates.

[Lewis Black]

This is what it's come to. Our election rests with the same people trying to sell you diarrhea infused beauty cream. And if you're unfamiliar with the influencer cult, here's a quick peek. Move over, Fred Astaire. Captain Frito Lay is in the building. In the old days, doing a karate kick at 7:11 didn't make you a millionaire. It made you a meth head in Florida. But if the campaigns are focused on courting these influences, influencers, surely you'd think they must be getting some primo content in return.

[Desi Lydic]

Oh, I got dick down at the dnc. Dick down at the dnc.

[Lewis Black]

Yeah, yeah.

[Desi Lydic]

Thank you for having us. Thank you, guys. It's been a real pleasure.

[Lewis Black]

Theater. Kids are losing their virginity at the dnc. Well, there's hope for you yet, Cory Booker. By the way, if anyone got dicked down at the dnc, it's Joe Biden. But don't worry, Democrats, they're dipshit tiktoks for conservatives, too. I don't know about you, but I'm voting Donald Trump, baby. Whoa. What the was that? That video makes me pro gun just so I can deep throat one in the bathtub. And look, I appreciate shitty content just as much as the next person. I watch both seasons of MILF Manor and the behind the scenes featurettes. That doesn't mean I'm gonna let the milfs tell me who to vote for. But as TikTok stars gained political clout, both camps are now planning entire campaign stops around meeting them. Like when Trump and Logan Paul had this meeting of the minds. And where do we. Yo, yo, yo, yo.

[Desi Lydic]

I'm Skinny.

[Lewis Black]

Wow. That's the first time I've ever seen Donald Trump genuinely laugh. And all it took was the hilarity of staring down a roided up boy. Then there's Kamala's VP Tim Walls, who went on the TikTok show. Subway takes to have an earth shaking debate about gutters. So what's your take? My take is the most neglected part of home ownership is the gutters.

[Jon Stewart]

It's personal for me.

[Lewis Black]

100% agree. I've had problems with gutters before. You get your basement wet, you get ice dams. Causes a lot of problems. Where do you buy gutters? The downspouts I bought at Menards. Save big money at Menards. Oh good, a video for no one. Candidates skip entire states during the campaign, but Subway Takes gets a sit down interview. He wasn't even on the subway. I didn't see a single rat fist fighting a baby. Also, quick tip for Tim. Young people don't give a shit about gutters because they don't own homes and they never will. So we know what the candidates are getting out of this. Civic excitement, higher voter turnout and free gutters from Menards. But what about the political influencers? What's in it for them?

[Desi Lydic]

23 year old Awa Sanneh made a name for herself dispensing beauty tips on TikTok. Sanne says she was hired by Protect Our Care, a progressive advocacy group. What's your rate? So a video just for a creator in my size, an average can go from $3,000 to $10,000 depending and upwards.

[Lewis Black]

$10,000. And all you have to do is sacrifice your dignity. Time to get paid. Hey guys, it's Louis B. I'm an influencer now. I got dick down at the rnc. I got dick down at the dnc. Now pay up, Ronnie. Shoot me.

[Jon Stewart]

Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart. Wherever you get your podcast.

[Lewis Black]

I hope you've all registered to vote because like Matt Gaetz at a high school dance, the election is ominously approaching. I for one. I for one am excited. With 21 days to go, we still have no idea who the is gonna win. And that's all thanks to one very special group of morons.

[Desi Lydic]

With 21 days until election day, the race to the White House, it is getting tighter, and the candidates are putting a laser focus on undecided voters. Undecided voters in battleground states could decide it all.

[Lewis Black]

That small sliver of undecided voters, they're going to make or break this election. Oh, yes, Undecided voters. The same people you see at the ice cream shop asking for 12 mini spoon samples. It's a $3 cone, asshole. How is anyone still undecided in this election? At this point, choosing a candidate should be easy. Look, it's like a lube salesman deciding if he should swing by P. Diddy's house. He has all the information he needs. But after almost two years of campaigning, this election still comes down to winning over a few dozen Pennsylvanians with carbon monoxide poisoning. Now, don't get me wrong. Maybe these undecided voters aren't stupid. Maybe they have a good reason for being idiots. Has anyone asked them what the hangup is?

[Desi Lydic]

I just haven't. I haven't seen enough of it yet.

[Lewis Black]

I need to pay closer attention and kind of do more independent research.

[Desi Lydic]

I just need to do my own research.

[Lewis Black]

I'd have to do more research. Oh, good God. They all have the same hair. Go ahead. Do your own research. Hopefully the library will let you huff paint inside. What are you researching exactly? We've known these candidates forever. One of them has spent the past four years as vice president, and the other has spent the past 40 years as the worst person in America. What the is left for you to learn about them? How they load a dishwasher. But I still have hope that some of you undecided voters will eventually make a choice. Something has to force your hand. We've just learned that Taylor Swift has endorsed Kamala Harris. Okay. Will you vote for Kamala Harris with because of Taylor Swift's endorsement? Anybody? You would, Julian. You would. I'm a musician.

[Desi Lydic]

I mean, I had to.

[Lewis Black]

Yeah, you're a musician. You have to. I'm going to send it back to.

[Desi Lydic]

You guys in the studio.

[Lewis Black]

Well, even the reporter is like, can I please go cover a mass shooting? This is depressing. Forget the economy or abortion or immigration. He wants to vote with his fellow musicians. Don't tell him about Kid Rock or his head will explode and there'll be nothing everywhere. I, for one, am grateful for all these focus groups of undecided voters. They give us insight into the complex minds of America's most powerful people. Well, it is very important that we have expertise when making these decisions in policy. Right? And so him bringing the specifics to say that we need the expertise making these decisions, I believe that was very important. See, even that vampire magician agrees. Expertise matters. And he should know. He's voted in the last thousand elections. And for his final trick, he made my hope for Gen Z disappear. But the good news is, we don't have to listen to these idiots at all, because there's still another option. I don't know, it still could change.

[Desi Lydic]

There's still some time left. You never know.

[Lewis Black]

Hope. So if I don't have a decision, I probably just won't vote. Finally, someone talking sense. I'm tired of my vote being canceled out by someone whose IQ score only makes sense in Celsius. So for all you undecided voters, I have a special message. Hi, I'm Lewis Black, beloved comedian, really, and the only Daily show employee who works less than Jon Stewart. I want to talk to you today about democracy. It's a big responsibility, a sacred right. And maybe not for everyone, because if you're waiting for a Kardashian to tell you who to vote for, go ahead and sit down this one out. Sure, people have fought and died for your right to vote, but when those guys were lifting the flag over Iwo Jima, they weren't saying, come on, fellas, let's do this so someday a guy can fill out a ballot so the bubbles make the shape of a penis. If you're undecided, come election day, do the right thing. Don't get out the boat. Sit out the boat and just focus on picking out that ice cream. Might I recommend rocky Road? Yum. It's already been a month since the election. I guess time flies when I'm not ripping out what's left of my pubes. Since Trump's victory, half the country is excited and the other half is still at home in the fetal position. Me, I'm coping by shutting off the news for a while and watching something a little cozier, like who killed JonBenet Ramsey? Baby, it's cold outside. And so is this case. But for those Democrats able to leave the House, this is what they're doing.

[Desi Lydic]

An art installation on the walls of a 14th street subway stop is encouraging people to put their thoughts on post it notes. It invites everyone to leave their feelings about this week's presidential election. Things like, I'm so scared, but I love this life more than I fear darkness.

[Lewis Black]

What the is this? Call me old fashioned, but if you have a Breakdown on the subway. You're supposed to jump in front of it. Subway walls are for only two, mysterious piss stains and ads for Shen Yun. Sure, it's a cult, but those concubines sure can boogie. And who are these people writing their deepest feelings on a train platform? The only subway thoughts have are is that guy shitting? And why am I being stabbed? In that order. But if writing post its is a little too subtle, you can react to the election loss the American way.

[Jon Stewart]

Violence rage rooms have seen a spike in business since the election. It's a place where you can go in, smash plates, televisions, anything else you can find to let off steam.

[Desi Lydic]

In fact, in the immediate days after the election, they say the number of reservations have tripled. A unique way to smash away that stress.

[Lewis Black]

Look out everyone. The libs are pissed and they're coming for grandma's fine China. Democrats can't even get mad correctly. Conservatives storm the Capitol. Meanwhile, Democrats are like, are these crowbars ethically sourced? When shit gets bad, you don't smash things like a toddler. You let it eat away at you from the inside. Like a big boy with stress related hemorrhoids. Which reminds me, this segment is brought to you by Preparation H. Preparation H. I'm old, I'm angry, and I'd like some free preparation 8. But. But if you'd like to be sad without getting a shard of glass in your retina, you could always venture outdoors and get in touch with your inner coyote.

[Desi Lydic]

Liberal women are holding what they call primal scream events to release their fury screeching at the top of their lungs at Lake Michigan.

[Lewis Black]

Okay, let me get this straight. Plan A for the Democrats was to vote and plan B is to scare the out of sturgeon? I don't know about you, but I'm feeling optimistic about 2028. Trust me, screaming doesn't change anything. I've been doing it for 40 years and I'm still at the same desk. God, I've wasted my life. But if screaming beside a lake doesn't cure your election blues, maybe riding on a boat will.

[Desi Lydic]

And if the presidential elections make you want to jump ship from America for a little while, well, Villa V Residencis is a cruise line that actually lets you take up long term dwelling aboard its odyssey ship. Now there's a one year escape from the reality or a two year midterm selection. And if your election hangover is just really, really bad, well, there's a three year everywhere but home and a four year skip forward option.

[Lewis Black]

Ooh, a Four year cruise. Sign me up. What better cure for an election hangover than half a decade of pina coladas and freeze dried scallops? Trump's gonna slash Medicaid just in time for me to get super herpes from a Swiss widow. Now that every country in the world can see that liberals are terrified, the smart ones are cashing in. Well, a small Italian village is offering cheap homes to Americans who want to leave the U.S. yes.

[Desi Lydic]

So the town of Olole has move in ready homes for up to 10,000 bucks. Homes that need a little TLC. They're available for just over a dollar.

[Lewis Black]

Village officials hope this will revive it after its population declined. Oh great. An Italian village whose population disappeared. That doesn't sound ominous at all. I'm happy to buy an abandoned home and find out what disembowele. Listen, America may be, but that doesn't mean I'm moving into Luigi's Haunted mansion. Plus plus America already has a creepy Italian shithole. It's called New Jersey. Wow. Not what I expected. But hey, if you're willing to spend good money to avoid these next four years, I'm willing to take it to you. Okay, Take it from you. That's why I'm offering a product of my own. I call it the Forever Sleepy Time Brick. Just shackle it to your foot and find the nearest body of water screaming optional.

[Jon Stewart]

Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart. Wherever you get your podcasts.