TDS Time Machine | Black Friday

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition – TDS Time Machine | Black Friday

Release Date: November 28, 2025
Host: Jon Stewart & The Daily Show News Team
Main Contributors: Trevor Noah, John Hodgman, Jessica Williams, Rob Corddry, Michael Costa

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Episode Overview

This episode is a comedic, sharply satirical look at Black Friday—America’s most notorious shopping day—tracing its chaotic history, traditions, and cultural critiques. The Daily Show team dives into headlines and sketches packed with commentary on rampant consumerism, workplace exploitation, racial profiling in holiday shopping, and the absurdity of corporate holidays. The team also explores how Black Friday has evolved into a full season, its impact on workers, and the rise of online shopping. All of this is delivered in the show’s trademark irreverent, quick-witted tone.

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Key Segments & Takeaways

1. Black Friday: A Brief and Violent History

• Summary: John Hodgman kicks off with a wry look at Black Friday’s mayhem, describing scenes of shoppers fighting and stampeding for deals ([01:52]).
• Quote:
  • “The day after Thanksgiving is about buying things for family while standing on the head of a complete stranger.” – John Hodgman ([01:52])
• Notable Moment:
  • Hodgman recounts a real incident where a Walmart shopper is trampled for a $29 DVD player and quips about her lucky amnesia ([03:12]).
• Themes: Consumer violence, absurdity of “doorbusters,” and the depths of holiday shopping mania.

2. The Origins of Black Friday

• Summary:
  • A historical sketch (led by Desi Lydic) traces Black Friday’s evolution from 1920s parades, through the chaotic Cabbage Patch Kid riots of the 1980s, to the birth of “Cyber Monday” ([04:10]-[08:19]).
• Quote:
  • “Maybe they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores. I don’t know.” – Desi Lydic ([05:04])
  • “In the 1980s, Black Friday finally went nationwide, thanks to America’s obsession with Cabbage Patch Kids... It caused literal riots across America.” – Desi Lydic ([06:20])
• Notable Themes:
  • Shopping as national ritual, retailers manipulating holiday timing, nostalgic references to parade balloons: “Puff the Meth Fueled Dragon,” “Whimsical Drifter Murderer,” and “Thick Daddy Superman” ([04:45]).
  • “Holiday creep”: Black Friday starting earlier every year, even encroaching on Thanksgiving itself.

3. The Rise and Impact of Online Shopping

• Summary:
  • The team laments the loss of the “true” chaotic in-person experience as Black Friday loses ground to Cyber Monday ([08:19]).
• Quote:
  • “Sure, it’s more convenient, but think of what we lose when we no longer have that one-on-one air fryer to skull contact.” – Jessica Williams ([08:27])
• Theme:
  • The shift from communal chaos to solitary, digital deal hunting; the decline of Black Friday's “glory days.”

4. The Ethics and Exploitation of Holiday Shopping

• Summary:
  • Segment examines store employees forced to work on Thanksgiving and the pushback against holiday creep ([10:39]-[13:46]).
• Quote:
  • “I think we should all have the ability to say, I don’t want to work Thanksgiving.” – Kmart worker’s daughter ([11:40])
  • “Thanksgiving is just as good eating a cold sandwich alone in the back of a Kmart…season it with your tears.” – Trevor Noah ([12:44])
• Theme:
  • Tension between consumer demand and worker rights; societal indifference to retail labor exploitation.

5. Racial Profiling During Black Friday Shopping

• Summary:
  • Jessica Williams spotlights the issue of black shoppers being racially profiled and wrongfully detained in stores during Black Friday frenzy ([21:47]–[25:35]).
• Quote:
  • “It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you’re being accused of stealing.” – Jessica Williams ([22:10])
  • “Everybody knows you’re supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that.” – Jessica Williams ([22:32])
• Notable Sketch:
  • Williams gives “tips” for black shoppers: loudly announce intentions, bring treats for security, or ask white strangers to shop on their behalf ([23:16]–[24:34]).

6. Absurd Consumer Tips & Satire on Shopping Culture

• Summary:
  • Michael Costa mockingly gives his “hot stock market” tips for Cyber Monday, listing bizarre shopping cart items from breast pumps to caskets ([26:31]–[29:42]).
• Quote:
  • “You gotta spend money to make money. That’s why today I am making boatloads of money, all right?” – Michael Costa ([26:33])
  • “Caskets. Great place for storage while you’re still alive. Paper towels, kids, toys.” – Michael Costa ([29:01])
• Theme:
  • Absurdism highlights the illogical psychology behind holiday spending.

7. Corporate and Cultural Expansion of Black Friday

• Summary:
  • The overreach of Black Friday—now seemingly “Black November”—and all stores, legitimate or otherwise, jumping into the mix ([30:56]–[31:37]).
• Quote:
  • “Every store in the Vinegar World open. Dildo Depot, open. Tooth Emporium, open. Just Gerbils open. A Bear Workshop, open.” – John Hodgman ([31:11])
• Theme:
  • Mockery of retail excess and commercialization.

8. Turkey Shortage Sketch

• Summary:
  • A comic “interview” with a resentful turkey protesting the shortage and its treatment in the holiday season ([32:50]–[35:08]).
• Quote:
  • “Why’s it gotta be something negative?… You try and get healthy, you start living your best self. Everybody applauds. Turkeys do it. Suddenly we’re bad guys!” – “Turkey 37740” ([33:12])
• Theme:
  • Personification of turkey, highlighting America’s fixation on tradition and consumption.

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Highlighted Timestamps & Quotes

| Timestamp | Segment Topic | Quote/Summary | |-----------|----------------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:52 | Black Friday Introduction | “A day about buying things for family while standing on the head of a complete stranger.” | | 03:12 | Walmart Trampling | “Upon awakening, the woman had no memory of her visit to Walmart, a condition known as lucky.”| | 04:23 | Black Friday History Sketch | “It’s the holidays, and that means one thing. Family. No, I’m kidding. That means shopping.” | | 06:20 | Cabbage Patch Kids Riot | “It caused literal riots across America.” | | 08:27 | Decline of Physical Black Friday | “Sure, it’s more convenient, but think of what we lose…” | | 11:40 | Worker Exploitation | “I think we should all have the ability to say, I don’t want to work Thanksgiving.” | | 12:44 | Thanksgiving at Kmart | “Season it with your tears.” | | 22:10 | Racial Profiling in Shopping | “It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you’re being accused of stealing.”| | 26:33 | Financial “Advice” Satire | “You gotta spend money to make money.” | | 29:01 | Bizarre Holiday Purchases | “Caskets. Great place for storage while you’re still alive.” | | 31:11 | Every Store Open | “Dildo Depot, open. Tooth Emporium, open. Just Gerbils open. A Bear Workshop, open.” | | 33:12 | Turkey Interview | “Turkeys do it. Suddenly we’re bad guys!” |

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Tone & Style

• Language: Irreverent, sardonic, culturally savvy, peppered with fast-paced jokes and biting satire.
• Approach: Uses real and exaggerated headlines, interviews, and sketches to shine a comic (and critical) light on consumerism, corporate influence, holiday traditions, and social justice issues.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition serves as a comedic deep-dive into the frenzy, history, and darker sides of Black Friday. From stampedes and shopping brawls to worker exploitation and the problems with racial profiling in retail, the show manages to both lampoon and critique American consumer culture. Highlights include historical sendups, faux interviews with turkeys, and satirical financial advice—all in the show's signature comedic voice. Whether you love or loathe holiday shopping, this episode provides an insightful, laugh-out-loud tour through America’s most excessive day.

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For Full Immersion:
Listen to this episode for fast-paced banter, over-the-top skits, and on-point social critique—especially if you want to laugh about a day that most Americans (sometimes literally) fight through.

Transcript

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[Trevor Noah]

You'Re listening to Comedy Central.

[John Hodgman]

Last Thursday was Thanksgiving, a day about being with family. But the day after Thanksgiving is about buying things for family while standing on the head of a complete stranger. So America took to the malls on Friday to kick off its annual holiday shopping spree. Christmas shoppers looked for expensive big ticket items, while Hanukkah shoppers sought out eight smaller, crappier ticket items. And across the country, shoppers thronged retail outlets searching for this year's hot an empty box. Who brings an empty box to a store? Preliminary reports indicate record sales at many outlets. But remember, Thanksgiving weekend normally accounts for only 10% of holiday sales, so there's still a long way to go before we find out whether we've consumed enough to make Jesus happy. Are his eyes following me? And speaking of the Prince of peace, the holiday shopping season is also about violence. These three women were videotaped by ABC News fighting at a Toys R Us store early Friday morning after one woman allegedly cut in line.

[Sponsor Voice]

Bitch.

[John Hodgman]

The woman was eventually ejected from the line, but later snuck back into the store through the back entrance after doing a favor for Jeffrey. Meanwhile, at an Orlando, Florida area Walmart store. Wait, it gets better. So many people tried to take advantage of a $29 DVD player sale that a 48 year old woman was trampled and knocked unconscious by other shoppers and and had to be airlifted to a hospital. Upon awakening, the woman had no memory of her visit to Walmart, a condition known in the medical community as lucky.

[Trevor Noah]

Fortunate.

[Jessica Williams]

Where am I?

[Trevor Noah]

Next Thursday night, America celebrates the holiday.

[Rob Corddry]

That defines it as a nation.

[Trevor Noah]

Black Friday. But where did Black Friday come from?

[John Hodgman]

Well, to find out, we turn to.

[Rob Corddry]

Desi Lydic in another episode of why.

[John Hodgman]

Do we Celebrate this?

[Sponsor Voice]

Hey, get back. This one's mine. You all ready to die for this flat screen? Cause I am. Hello, my shopaholics, maxinistas, mall rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors and slaves. It's the holidays, and that means one thing. Family. No, I'm kidding. That means shopping. Family. What the f. Like many of you, I too will be going out on Black Friday. One of America's most treasured excuses to buy shit. And Black Friday seems like something that's been around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when Black Friday didn't exist. Then again, my memory is a little fuzzy from all the head trauma from pretty previous Black Fridays. The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It started in the 1920s when retail stores wanted to set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season. So department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans it's time to start spending cash. Although back then, parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know, classics like Puff the Meth Fueled Dragon, Whimsical Drifter Murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. Maybe they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores. I don't know. The point is, retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season and were willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping. And after his cousin finished giving him a handjob, FDR agreed. Eventually, they moved Thanksgiving back. But the retailers got what they wanted. Because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christma shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the 1960s. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic and chaos. And for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia, it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at a Zara in Philadelphia and they didn't even kick me out of the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry. It was in the 1980s that Black Friday finally went nationwide. And it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids. I got this one for $3,000 and I had to get punched by a lot of grandmas to get it. But it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America. People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch Kid, and then play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kids set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the 90s. From Furbies to Beanie Babies to Tickle Me Elmos to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids hearts. By 2002, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes. Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight, and then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving to choke out a stranger for an instapot. Oh, it's ready. And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena. It got so bad that in 2011, you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack. Unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale. And then it depends on whoever wants that blender more. Got it.

[Jessica Williams]

Yes.

[Sponsor Voice]

But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier two day prime year holiday that took its its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in person stores. It's just another way technology has pulled us further apart. Sure, it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when we no longer have that one on one air fryer to skull contact. Sad. Also, in recent years, retail employees have begun pushing back on so called holiday creep, which is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods into Thanksgiving. Not what happens when your weird cousin hits the eggnog too hard and tries to go FDR on your underparts. But even as its golden days are behind it, Black Friday is still an American institution, standing tall beside Thanksgiving and the super bowl and the purge. And now that you know its history, don't forget to keep it in perspective. Sure, saving money is great. But this season isn't about fighting some stranger at a store. It's about gathering your family and fighting with them. So, happy shopping season. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta start practicing for the big day. Hey, step away from that, Dyson. You think I won't pull out this pin? Well, guess what, TikTok motherfu.

[Trevor Noah]

Extra Value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8 only at McDonald's for a lim only. Prices and participation may vary.

[John Hodgman]

Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery, when a news story falls to the cracks, Luce Black catches it for a segment we call back in Black.

[Trevor Noah]

Next week is my favorite day of the year. Black Friday. Trample a guy on a Tuesday afternoon, you get charged with assault. But do it at a Walmart on Black Friday, you get a PS4. But this year, something about Black Friday is twisting everyone's panties.

[Michael Costa]

Black Friday itself is turning into an entire season.

[Trevor Noah]

Do I hope Black Friday ends? Absolutely. I can't stand that day.

[Sponsor Voice]

The event is becoming so long. Starting Black Friday on Thanksgiving should be illegal.

[Rob Corddry]

Black Wednesday.

[Sponsor Voice]

Great.

Thursday, Small Business Saturday.

[Rob Corddry]

Cyber Monday is the worst thing I've ever heard.

[Sponsor Voice]

We might as well call it Black November.

[Trevor Noah]

What the hell are you complaining about? Oh, no. Now blenders are on sale for a whole month. God, why have thou forsaken us? Nobody's forcing you to buy anything. You can shop. You cannot shop. You can do what we Jews do and wait until the day after Christmas when they're practically giving away. But there is one group of people who should be complaining.

[Sponsor Voice]

What about the workers at these stores?

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, when exactly do they get to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families?

[Sponsor Voice]

Workers are upset, forced to work.

[Jessica Williams]

They keep saying that they care about their associates.

[Sponsor Voice]

That's not the case. The daughter of a Kmart employee asking Kmart to change his Thanksgiving hours so her mom can spend the day at home with her family. I Think we should all have the ability to say, I don't want to work Thanksgiving.

[Trevor Noah]

Well, personally, I'd much rather spend Thanksgiving at Kmart helping a fat guy shove his way into a pair of Crocs. Beats listening to my nephew explain again how he's allergic to beets. No, you're not, Matthew. You just don't like them. Nobody does. But you're gonna eat them. But if this lady wants to spend Thanksgiving with her family, who can blame her? Turns out everybody.

[John Hodgman]

They should be happy that they have.

[Rob Corddry]

A job to work at.

[Trevor Noah]

What's wrong with a little capitalism? Somebody wants to open up on Thanksgiving, let them open up on Thanksgiving.

[John Hodgman]

Richard writes to us.

[Trevor Noah]

He says, you gotta be kidding me. Just go to work.

[John Hodgman]

You can celebrate by eating a turkey sandwich while on break.

[Trevor Noah]

Sure, Thanksgiving is just as good. Eating a cold sandwich alone in the back of a Kmart. You don't even need cranberry sauce. You can season it with your tears. But this year, it's not just employees getting screwed into working on Thanksgiving. It's the stores, too.

[Sponsor Voice]

Stores at the Walden Galleria have a tough choice this year. Open on Thanksgiving or possibly pay a lot of money in fines and penalties.

[Trevor Noah]

You're taxing stores for observing Thanksgiving? That's the most anti American thing I've ever heard. It's like Sharia law for capitalism. Why don't you just kick George Washington in the nuts? But if no one cares when stores force employees to work on Thanksgiving, who's gonna shed a tear when malls force stores to stay open?

[Sponsor Voice]

A mall in upstate New York is strong, arming its retailers into opening on Thanksgiving. So much for the holiday spirit.

[Trevor Noah]

So let me get this straight. You can't make a store open on Thanksgiving. It's just a poor, helpless corporation, but people punch in and shut the up. You can see your family in January, John.

[John Hodgman]

Thank you, Louis. Of course, the day after Thanksgiving marks the start of a different holiday season. And a lot of people have expressed concern that there's a war right now on Christmas. Well, hopefully what happened across the country on Friday dispelled those fears. Yes, the spirit. Don't. I'll go back to the Eminem. I don't have a problem with that. Yes, the spirit of Christmas is alive and well, with many loving the baby Jesus enough to kick another man's nads in for an ipod. It's actually all quite reminiscent of the original nativity scenes. You remember we said, can't we just say the merse from all of us? Yes. All over the United States, shoppers Spent Black Friday sending a message to the America is very interested in buying things which I imagine the rest of the world views as we might view some of their quainter traditions. Those Ramadan specials are insane with holiday shopping season. With holiday shopping season accounting for a majority of yearly sales, one manager at the Gap saw the violence as a hopeful sign.

[Jessica Williams]

As you can see, the lines are long. They've been long all morning since we opened the gates at 8 o'.

[Rob Corddry]

Clock.

[John Hodgman]

We might even open a cash register though. It's pretty funny seeing everybody just waiting there. This year's big hits among the kiddie set. Number one, the new Xbox 360. Number two, the Dora the Explorer talking kitchen. And as always, at number three, a new stepdad. Oh, keep dreaming kids. Cause real daddy like the drinky drinky. For more?

[Jessica Williams]

No.

[John Hodgman]

Just my house. What? For more on the start of this holiday shopping season, I'm joined by consumer reporter Rob Cordry. Rob, thank you so much for joining us. You're if I'm not mistaken, right now you are live at a Walmart in where exactly?

[Rob Corddry]

Well, John, technically I entered the store in Tennessee, but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere in North Carolina right now. Anyway, having spent the last four days here, I can tell you I've seen unprecedented scenes of violence, mayhem and raw human greed that bode very well for America's economy particularly, John, after a 2004 sales season even an optimist would have to describe as free of bloodshed.

[John Hodgman]

Do you see these tramplings and fights.

[Rob Corddry]

John? I saw a 72 year old woman reach into the chest cavity of a wheelchair bound diabetic to prevent that woman from gaining access to what appeared to be a 2 for 1 deal on synthetic pants. Yeah, I'm bullish, John. And by bullish I mean using sharp horns and a bucking motion to clear other shoppers from my path.

[John Hodgman]

Rob, from what I'm hearing, this new Xbox 360, that's the big ticket item this year. Do you have any indicators that that's the case?

[Rob Corddry]

They sure do, John. Let me show you. As you can see, the Xbox clearly well ahead of last year's Chicken Dance Elmo. Incidentally, John, both items a welcome relief from what my nephews wanted. Two years Hasbro's large spiky object. That was a terrible Christmas.

[John Hodgman]

Fascinating, Rob. But what about today, which is the so called Cyber Monday, supposedly the biggest day of the year for Internet shopping. Has that changed the dynamic of holiday sales?

[Rob Corddry]

Yes and no, John. Online shoppers may like convenience but they're just as eager as anyone to snatch up the bargains. And this hidden camera footage from one office shows they're not afraid to use work time to get them here again, the leading indicators are all positive. Interesting factoid, John. Last year, the majority of all electronics purchased for the holidays were bought online, but 85% of kitchenware was bought in the store. Clearly a reflection of generational shopping differences.

[Jessica Williams]

Rob.

[John Hodgman]

I have to interrupt here. Was that. Was that you?

[Rob Corddry]

Yes, it was, John. And to answer your next question, no, I'm not telling you what I got you. You'll just have to wait. Oh, yes, you'll have to wait.

[John Hodgman]

All right, thank you. Rob Cordry, our consumer reporter. Rob Cordry.

[Jessica Williams]

Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure this fall. Get double points on every qualified stay. Life's a trip. Make the most of it. At Best Western, visit BestWestern.com for complete terms and conditions.

[John Hodgman]

Your earbud fell in a coffee cup. You need a taco? Pick me up.

[Trevor Noah]

When modern life gets rough, grab the timeless taste you love. Paso, the old El Paso.

[John Hodgman]

Anyway, we're back from Thanksgiving. I hope your holiday was as nice as mine. I did a little something different this year. I'm trying to change things up, trying to go a little couple different directions. This year I ate and served only cranberry sauce. Only I said, if it does not come from a bog, I do not want it in my house. It was cranberry sauce with all of my friends, the bog people. But Thanksgiving, of course, over it is on to the holiday shopping. We had the, what they call Black Friday, biggest shopping day of the year. I thought went very well. Today, the first day after Thanksgiving weekend is now known as Cyber Monday, which is unusual. It's the biggest online shopping day of the year. It's a tradition stretching back to I guess last November. Anyway, Cyber Monday, of course, followed by Identity Theft Tuesday. But the important thing is enjoy being you while you still can because tomorrow someone else will clearly be you. But let us get right to the news on Friday. In Iraq, at least 65 people died as a result of violence between Sunnis and Shias, including some by immolation and not the self kind, the kind where someone helps. So while, as I noted in America, Black Friday connotes shopping til you drop. In Iraq, it was really all about the drop. As you know, Thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time of year when we all give thanks for our families and our health and prepare to beat the out of people to go Shopping. Jessica Williams has more.

[Jessica Williams]

Black Friday is just around the corner, and it seems like everyone on television has TV tips for shoppers.

[Sponsor Voice]

Deals are in the back.

[Jessica Williams]

Prioritize by price.

[Sponsor Voice]

Don't buy toys.

[Jessica Williams]

Don't turn right, and most importantly, don't be black.

[Sponsor Voice]

Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment.

[Michael Costa]

He was racially profiled in Macy's, Herald Square.

[Sponsor Voice]

She used her tax rebate money to.

[Jessica Williams]

Buy this bag at Barney's and was then stopped by the cops. It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you're being accused of stealing.

[Trevor Noah]

When I left the store three blocks away from the store, four undercover cops told me that they would like to see what I purchased.

[Jessica Williams]

And what did your white friend say?

[Trevor Noah]

My white friend?

[Jessica Williams]

Everybody knows you're supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that.

[Trevor Noah]

I should have. Next time I know to bring my white friend.

[John Hodgman]

Oh.

[Jessica Williams]

So the problem isn't racial profiling in stores. It's that black people have forgotten how to shop.

[John Hodgman]

When they finally came up to me, I thought they were going to help.

[Michael Costa]

Me, and they didn't.

[John Hodgman]

They actually asked me to leave.

[Jessica Williams]

Just because you look like a Gap model doesn't mean you won't get profiled. I went into a store and asked a sales girl if I could see some jeans, and she said they're so expensive. I felt like I was pretty womaned. You thought because you're very well put together that you could just go in and shop anywhere you want without getting racially profiled?

[John Hodgman]

You do know you're black, right?

[Jessica Williams]

I know.

[Sponsor Voice]

Uh.

[Jessica Williams]

Oh. Watch out.

[John Hodgman]

Cops.

[Jessica Williams]

Cops. Clearly, it's time to give black Americans my own Black Friday shopping tips. Let's start simple. When entering a store, alert everyone to your presence. Hey, everybody. My name is Jessica Williams, and I intend to buy a pack of gum. Reaching into my pocket right now to pull out money, not a gun. Permission to approach. But upscale stores are the trickiest. To be sure that you don't get arrested, try making friends with security. I baked some cookies. Can I go shop now? Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to shop for you. Do you think that you can buy me that watch in the display? You can totally use my credit card. All you have to do is sign my name and then just bring you the. I really don't feel comfortable. Excuse me.

[Sponsor Voice]

Excuse me.

[Jessica Williams]

You look white. Can I ask you a favor?

[Rob Corddry]

What?

[Jessica Williams]

Do you think that if I give you one Hundred and forty dollars. You can buy me those sunglasses in the window right there.

[Michael Costa]

Yeah, sure.

[Jessica Williams]

Oh, thank you.

[Sponsor Voice]

Hey.

[Jessica Williams]

Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience, hire a middle aged white lady as your personal shopper and equip her with a hidden camera inside a neck bracelet. Now she's ready to go. All right, we're in.

[Trevor Noah]

Go left.

[Jessica Williams]

No, your other left. Okay, hat. Let's try on some hats.

[Sponsor Voice]

Oh, my God. Would you look at this?

[Jessica Williams]

Put that shit back. I am not feeling it. Where are you handbags? Let's move on, Peggy. Oh, look, you found my cat.

[Sponsor Voice]

Oh, Jess, this is just perfect.

[Jessica Williams]

That's not really my style. Because my style's not ugly. Good call, boots. I am digging those knee highs.

[Sponsor Voice]

These would look good in the club.

[Jessica Williams]

Did you just say da club? Maybe a little makeup.

[Sponsor Voice]

My friend has more of a darker complexion. Like a deep tan.

[Jessica Williams]

I'm black, Peggy. You can say black. So that was a bust. But thankfully, when all else was. There is one other way to avoid getting racially profiled. Cover your skin. Oh, God.

[Trevor Noah]

We're back from Thanksgiving break. But we all know what the real holiday was.

[Sponsor Voice]

Millions of Americans are rushing to stores this morning for Black Friday deals.

[Jessica Williams]

And for some, the battle for bargains started Thanksgiving afternoon. Police were called to break up this fight between two shoppers at a mall in Louisville, Kentucky.

[John Hodgman]

That's my hello Kitty toaster.

[Trevor Noah]

No, I've done it again. Oh, Black Friday. Or as we call it back in Africa Friday.

[Rob Corddry]

Checking on the stock market with our finance expert Michael Costa, everybody.

[Trevor Noah]

Michael, good to see you, man.

[John Hodgman]

Good to see you.

[Trevor Noah]

What on earth is happening in the market today, man?

[Michael Costa]

I'm crushing it, Trevor. I am crushing it. And I got a hot tip for you. I got a hot tip for you, so pay attention, okay? Now today the Dow was down big, all right? But I don't care, all right? Because today is Cyber Monday, right? Not to be confused with Black Friday or Small Business Saturday or Giving Tuesday. Tuesday it's not Thirsty Thursdays or Taco Tuesdays or Sunday Bloody Sunday. It's Cyber Monday, the day George Washington declared 30% off of all plasma screen TVs. Alright? So the way I'm crushing it today, Trevor, is by spending, all right? Experts like me know you gotta spend money to make money. Which is why today I am making boatloads of money, alright? Now let me show you what I'm buying, okay? First thing in my cart, a Stocks for Dummies book. Okay, look, I don't know shit about stocks, all right? Yeah, I crush it. And I Make tons of money. But I don't understand any of it. So as soon as I learn to read, this book is going to be super helpful. Now, speaking of helpful, the next thing in my cart. Seven breast pumps. Now look. Little known fact, they can pump anything.

[John Hodgman]

Okay?

[Michael Costa]

You got a flooded basement, you need to put air in your bicycle tires. Muscle definition. Okay? How do you think I got these fat baby twins? All right? By borrowing my sister's breast pump. All right? And now I'm gonna have seven of my own. Next item in my cart. A picture frame. Look, I don't need a picture frame. But this is a family that I want to be a part of. Look at that. Innocent, pure, together. I bet this family doesn't think my mashed potatoes are too salty. You ever think about that? My family.

[Trevor Noah]

Ugly.

[Michael Costa]

Okay, next one. I always wanted to get a guitar. So I put a guitar in my cart. And I was gonna get a real guitar, but I got this Fisher Price one. Cheap, no strings attached. Also no strings attached. So very easy to learn to play now. Somber note My next item in my cart is an adult casket. Okay, now look, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but I ate a bad egg Sandwich on a WestJet flight coming back from my ugly family's Thanksgiving, and I was contemplating my own death. And during that time, I thought, holy shit, I haven't planned for my funeral.

[John Hodgman]

So I got a good deal.

[Michael Costa]

Also, caskets. Great place for storage while you're still alive. Paper towels, kids, toys.

[Trevor Noah]

New Yorkers.

[John Hodgman]

You get it.

[Michael Costa]

Smaller caskets. Plus bonus, when my wife says, go sleep on the couch, I say, okay, no problem. But secretly, I sleep in the casket. Joke's on her. And with the extra storage space, I got plenty of room for my last item. Seven more breast pumps. Just in case my first seven break. That's why I'm the expert. Alright, I promised you a hot tip, remember? All right, Hot tip. Stop watching this right now and start online shopping. You can't buy any of this any other day. Back to you, Trevor.

[John Hodgman]

Let's go, Michael.

[Trevor Noah]

Toss to everybody.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Trevor Noah]

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[Jessica Williams]

See [e-mail] stash.

[John Hodgman]

Next Thursday, obviously, is a time to gather with family to commemorate the feast that Native Americans prepared for a struggling Pilgrim settlement. A day that we refer to as Thanksgiving and the Native Americans refer to as an enormous mistake. But eat quickly, for you'll need your strength.

[Rob Corddry]

Almost all the big stores are opening.

[John Hodgman]

Earlier than ever on the holiday.

[Trevor Noah]

Kmart will be among the first to.

[Rob Corddry]

Open at 6am Walmart, Target, Toys R.

[Jessica Williams]

Us, JCPenney, Best Buy, Big Lots, Kohl's, Sears, Old Navy. They're all gonna be open on Thanksgiving.

[John Hodgman]

Every store in the Vinegar World open. Dildo Depot, open. Tooth Emporium, open. Just Gerbils open. A Bear Workshop.

[Rob Corddry]

Open.

[Jessica Williams]

Open.

[John Hodgman]

So if you're thinking, well, I guess I have to shop all day, but surely once the stores close, I can go home and get a solid 15 minutes of Thanksgiving and think again.

[Sponsor Voice]

Kmart's opening for 41 hours straight from 6am Thanksgiving morning until 11pm on black.

[John Hodgman]

Do you have any idea what this means? If someone tramples you for a furby Thursday morning, they don't find your body till Friday night. All right, so maybe Thanksgiving's become a pregame for Black Friday, but at least they cannot take away our turkey.

[Sponsor Voice]

Butterball, which produces about 20% of all US turkeys, says there will be a shortage of fresh turkeys that are £16 or larger.

[John Hodgman]

Are you kidding me? If my turkey's not at least 16 pounds, then why am I having. I might as well eat a hummingbird stuffed with a single crouton. Maybe a Sousa of Craisin. Why are you doing this to us turkeys?

[Sponsor Voice]

Butterball says this year their turkeys had a decline in weight gain, which is limiting supplies of fresh turkeys. They're not saying why the birds are actually smaller this year.

[John Hodgman]

Hello. Perhaps we should go right to the source to find out what's going on with the turkeys. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show. Turkey number 37740, inspected by number five. Welcome to the show.

[Jessica Williams]

Hey.

[John Hodgman]

Hey, everybody. Hey, how you doing? How you doing? How you doing, John? Nice to see you. Thank you very. Thank you very much. John. How you doing? Nice to see you. What's going on. So, turkey, let me. Let me. Let me ask you a question. Why? What is going on? What is the weight loss? Is it a political protest? Is it bird flu? Why's it gotta be something negative? Let's do it. Why? You know, you try and get healthy, you start living your best self. Everybody applauds. Turkeys do it. Suddenly, what are bad guys? You. Oh, so I didn't realize that you were just trying to slim down. You're trying to look better. Yeah, yeah. You know, cut down on the sweets, the antibiotics. You know, I guess it doesn't help that. I don't know, I'm stacked in a cage with a thousand other turkeys, and we live in our own. I don't know. By the way, if I may ask you a question.

[Trevor Noah]

Where.

[John Hodgman]

Where. Where are you right now? Where do you think I am, you piece of. I'm at my lawyer's office. What for? For what? What do you need a lawyer for? Why the. Look at me. Does this look normal to you? Look at me. Look at me. I don't have a head, but it's to all you pricks. All of yous. So cold. Where are my feathers? Where are my feathers? Do I still have my beautiful feathers? Uh, you. You do not. They're. They're gone. Suing you pricks is too good for you. Wait on a second. Where you going? Sir? Where are you going? Get back here. Where are you going? What's going on? What's. What's going on? What? Come here, you mother. I'll calm you, you prick. I'll show you what it's like to be calm. You. Where. Where are you? Point me in the right direction, I will cut you like a bitch. Come on, son of a bitch. Where are you?

[Trevor Noah]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

[Michael Costa]

The world moves fast. Your workday even faster. Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. Microsoft 365 Copilot is your AI assistant for work built into Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and other Microsoft 365 apps you use, helping you quickly write, analyze, create, and summarize so you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work. Learn [e-mail] M365 copilot doesn't your child.

[Jessica Williams]

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[Sponsor Voice]

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