Transcript
John Oliver (0:01)
You're listening to Comedy Central. Let's begin tonight with the weekend's festivities. A big weekend for what we call Judeo Christians. Two major religious festivals at the same time. And President Obama celebrated both of them in what I believe is an attempt to convince people he isn't Muslim. Nice try. Nice try. Yesterday, of course, was Easter, which, along with Good Friday, commemorates the death and resurrection of Christ. And this morning, the White House celebrated in the manner prescribed by scripture. In just about a half hour, they're going to start the 134th annual White House Easter Egg Roll. These are some of our friends here. The Power Rangers, Alvin the Chipmunks, Wubba Wubsy Penguins.
Desi Lydic (0:49)
Cat in the Hat has been trying to get on camera the entire time.
John Oliver (0:51)
That you were talking about Cat in the Hat.
Michael Costa (0:53)
Here are the eggs.
John Oliver (0:53)
Eggs.
Michael Costa (0:54)
The eggs are here.
John Oliver (0:55)
Right now we got some Harlem Globetrotters. It's a great holiday for people who gave up LSD for Lent. You see all them too, right? Actually, this scene is. I remember these characters from the Last Supper, if I'm not mistaken. That was. One of. You will betray me, Alvin. So the White House pulls out all the stops for Easter. Passover's the same weekend. Bring it. I'd like to wish a happy holiday to all those celebrating Passover. Led by Jewish members of my staff will retell the story of the Exodus. Listen to our youngest guests ask the four questions, and of course, look forward to a good bowl of matzah ball soup. That's it. That's what Jews get. You get a huge shindig on the White House lawn for Easter with every children's character that has ever been invented, including this guy. Who the is this guy? Captain Planet. Oh, what's his super. He's Captain Planet. Hey, kids, my selling point for my people is we're gonna have soup. It's the Avengers versus the Jewish members of my staff. Hey, kids. Who wants to meet Debbie Wasserman Schultz? Where's everybody going? Look. And I get it. I don't want to say satyrs are boring, but this isn't a photo we're showing. It's video. Allow me to get personal for just a moment. As a father of mixed faith children who are exposed to both Christian and I can't help but feel that we Jews are getting our asses kicked out here. In fact, you know what, Jews? Camera three, what are we doing? We've already conceded defeat in the Christmas v Hanukkah kerfuffle. Seeing that the Christians are celebrating the birth of Their savior. And Hanukkah is acknowledging oil lasting longer than it would normally last. And to be honest with you, truth be told, there really is no gauge. I mean, how much oil was in there? Could have been eight days worth of oil. We don't really know. I mean, it could have been a very reasonable amount of oil to Burford. It's not the point. It's not the point. The point is this. There's no contest there. Hanukkah, Christmas, no contest. But we can't afford to lose this one, too. The key is the children, people. That's what Christians have figured out. You get the children, you win. Let's check out both sides. Holiday pitch. Okay, kids, Easter weekend is an observation of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. So ba bam, ba bam. A basket with candy. We got chocolate bunnies, we got candy eggs. We got chocolate bunnies who lay candy eggs filled with more chocolate. How are Christians the one that came up with plastic grass, by the way? We're the ones with hay fever, but all right, it's cool, it's cool. Jews, what do we got? Well, we're celebrating our freedom from slavery, so ba bam, let my people nosh. We could have gone with a freedom themed festival, or instead we chose to focus on the slavery part of the dinner. Hey, five year olds. Basket filled with candy and jelly beans or horseradish, still in root form. Would you like the treats a magical bunny brought you? Or a bone from a dead baby lamb? Don't worry, we used its blood to mark the door. Oh, which. Which egg am I gonna go for? The one filled with chocolate or the one filled with egg? Cause it's an actual egg. Cause that's what slaves ate. Taste it. Oh, wait. Before you eat it, make sure you dip it in salt water. It represents the tears of your ancestors. Oh, good, I see you're making more mishpocha. We gotta take it up a notch. They're crushing us. I'm not saying we lose our traditions, but we gotta adapt it with a slight nod towards recruitment. I'm not saying we gotta go Jehovah's Witness on this thing, but what's wrong with bringing a little zaz? Thinking outside the box? We got a great story here. Moses parting the Red Seas. How have we not turned that into a water park? Oh, wait. I'll see you over at the Red Sea Ride when I'm done building ice cream pyramids. We gotta do something. Did you see who the Christians booked this year as their special guest star on this Easter Sunday. A familiar face helping to deliver the Sunday sermon. Quarterback Tim Tebow. They got Tebow? Tim Tebow, superstar NFL quarterback, helping them celebrate Easter. He's drawing like 20,000 people to Texas. Who do we have? Same guest every year. Elijah. He can't even be bothered at all. Obviously, it would be great if we also could get a superstar Jewish quarterback to deliver the Passover story. But my guess is a superstar Jewish quarterback is around the same likelihood as Elijah showing up. But let's at least compete with the make believe Easter bunny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Passover Pete, the guitar playing, pizza eating lion. What up, pet? Hey, kids. Hey, kids. Have your Passover pizza. Now, I know technically you're not allowed to eat pizza during Passover, but technically, lions don't play guitars and quite frankly, bunnies don't deliver eggs. So let's just say we suspend a little disbelief. When the kids turn 13, we'll tell them the real story. So we gotta step it up a bit. If you'll excuse me, I'll be playing the latest title in my hot new Jewish video game, Passover line. Red Sea Redemption, the Wandering. It's a first person exoduser where kids can experience all the excitement of being lost in the desert for 40 years. Mmm. What's the left right?
