Jason Jones (2:03)

5 hours, 3 hours, 2 hours from.

Trevor Noah (2:05)

Right now, your government is going to shut down and there is nothing that can stop it now.

Jason Jones (2:15)

It's a fait. A compli. A train with brakes, no brakes, speeding down the track. The train is filled with baking soda. It's going to crash into that vinegar truck. May the Lord have mercy on our.

Michael Kosta (2:36)

A deal has been struck to avoid a shutdown.

Jason Jones (2:44)

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Our government saved by mundane pragmatic agreement, which should happen all the time, but doesn't. So the whole countdown clock thing was in vain. Which is the subject of our special coverage of.

Michael Kosta (3:12)

Now. You might be wondering.

Jason Jones (3:13)

You're very welcome. You're probably wondering, how did we get to this point with the shutdown? Had Congress get to a place where they were going to shut the entire federal government down due to a dispute over 19% of the budget, A budget that should have been passed in the previous Democratic controlled Congress. Why didn't they do that, by the way. We have a budget enforcement resolution. We passed that.

Michael Kosta (3:36)

That's a cap.

Jason Jones (3:37)

The budgets beyond that are subject to.

Michael Kosta (3:40)

The Appropriations Committee allocation. So we have a budget enforcement resolution.

Jason Jones (3:44)

We passed it, and we're going to follow that budget enforcement resolution. Oh, you didn't do it then because you. So instead of passing a budget, you just made gibberish talk because that's the native population use. Democrats put off writing a budget because they were afraid that talking about spending might lose them the House of Representatives. A strategy that, as we all know, worked out very. Oh, right. So now that we have a budget agreement, One that trims $38.5 billion in discretionary spending from the 2011 budget whilst getting us all the way to September, the real question is who came out ahead politically? No, no, that's. No, the real question I was going to say was what does the bipartisan agreement say about the direction of our fiscal policy?

Michael Kosta (4:43)

Or who do you think are the.

Trevor Noah (4:45)

Winners and the losers?

Jason Jones (4:47)

What? No, I don't. Well, do you mean in terms of the social safety net programs or those who had relied on this type of discretionary spending and have been used as pawns?

Michael Kosta (4:56)

Those people who actually came out looking good in this process. A, Obama, B, Republicans, C, Democrats, or.

Jason Jones (5:05)

D, none of the above. Are we idiots? What? I don't understand this. All right, clearly you've decided that an examination of fiscal policy is best done in multiple choice form. You're the teacher. You've got the teacher's edition. Give me the answer. A, B, C or D. Well, the Republican Party is the winner.

Michael Kosta (5:29)

The Democrats win by beating back that effort.

Jason Jones (5:31)

Clearly, a winner is President Obama.

Michael Kosta (5:33)

The President lost.

Jason Jones (5:35)

No, look, the winner tonight is John Boehner.

Michael Kosta (5:37)

The American people lost.

Jason Jones (5:38)

Everybody wins by avoiding losing. I hate you. Now, of course, agreeing to a budget is different from passing it. And one of the keys will be how the rank and file vote on this new budget, particularly the new stars of government policymaking, Tea Party. It's the volume of their noise that has seemingly made it so difficult for everyone else to concentrate. So, Tea Party champion, Congressman Mike Pence, what do you say?

Michael Kosta (6:10)

I think John Boehner fought the good fight. I think he drove a hard bargain here. I want to see the details, but from what I know, it sounds like John Boehner got a good deal.

Jason Jones (6:19)

All right, so we're done here, people. We can all go home and rest assured that even though this small budget dispute was blown up to hostage like negotiation proportions, because of the unusually large place at the table the Tea Party maintains. At least they're satisfied.

Michael Kosta (6:32)

Now it sounds like John Boehner got a good deal. Probably not good enough for me to support it, but a good deal nonetheless.

Jason Jones (6:40)

What are you talking about? That's where we're at with the Tea Party. You can't even support. Well, it's a good deal, but some poor people remain oddly un. So my constituents won't have it.

Michael Kosta (7:01)

September 30, 2013.

Jason Jones (7:05)

There's obviously only one story for us to cover tonight. The impending shutdown of the federal government, which is the subject of tonight's special presentation. For those just joining the story in progress, our government is going to shut down in 57 of your Earth minutes because House Republicans are refusing to fund the government unless the rest of Congress delays implementation of the Affordable Care act, also known as Obamacare, also known as the end of America as we know it, for reasons no one is able to clearly explain. But you know what? Let's let the House Republicans try.

Michael Kosta (7:56)

This country was founded on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, and consent of the governed. But Obamacare is based on limitless government.

Trevor Noah (8:06)

We're leading on protecting hard working Americans across this country that are feeling the overreach from the federal government.

Michael Kosta (8:13)

I come to the floor, as many of us do, to speak about the.

Jason Jones (8:18)

Intrusion into God given American freedom called Obamacare.

Michael Kosta (8:21)

It is an unconstitutional takings of God given American liberty.

Jason Jones (8:26)

You're just throwing words together. It's an unconstitutional takings of God given America. It sounds like a bull of random patriotic buzzwordies. If it's unconstitutional, I didn't know it was unconstitutional. And I know how much you guys love the Constitution. Nobody loves the Constitution like you guys.

Michael Kosta (8:44)

The Constitution is the foundation, that great.

Jason Jones (8:47)

Document, the Constitution, the supreme law of the land.

Michael Kosta (8:50)

The greatest governing document the world's ever known.

Jason Jones (8:53)

I carry a copy. Just look at your Constitution, which I keep in my pocket, somewhere deep inside my pocket, but I guarantee you it's in here. Hold on, hold on. I got. I got. Wait, that's my weed. I got my weed. I got. I got a couple of rubbers here. I got. Ah, son of a. That's the monitor lizard. I use in there to. To guard my copy of the Constitution. Think. I think I got some band aids in there. I. Son of a. He bit me again. But you know what? Perhaps we can look to the Constitution for a solution to this crisis. Let me get mine. Son of a bitch. All right, here we go. All right, so in 2009, Congress passed the Affordable Care Act. Were they allowed to do that? Congress may determine the time of. Isn't there a cartoon that explains if they can do that? Yes, I'm only a bill. And if they vote for on Capitol Hill, well, then I'm off to the White House where I'll wait in a line with a lot of other bills for the president to sign. And if he signs me, then I'll be alone. You know what I just realized in that? Then I heard his Halboy. One of those bills, I think had a harpoon in his chest. We should go back and look at that. One of those bills is like, I need a dog. All right, so apparently they are allowed to do that. They are allowed to make laws, and the president is allowed to sign laws. And what do we do if those laws are unconstitutional? Well, apparently nine precogs in magic robes got together, looked at the Affordable Care act, and decided it was not unconstitutional. So everything appears to have been done literally by the book. This bill is now a law vetted by the very system all these Republicans profess to love. But to hear the Republicans tell it, the whole thing could just be avoided if President Obama would meet them halfway. They have refused to even consider the compromise that we have offered.

Trevor Noah (11:07)

They won't even negotiate with us on anything.

Michael Kosta (11:09)

What have the Democrats compromised on?

Trevor Noah (11:11)

Nothing.

Michael Kosta (11:11)

Harry Reid will not negotiate with John Boehner.

Jason Jones (11:14)

The president will not meet with John Boehner. The president refuses to compromise on anything.

Michael Kosta (11:19)

You don't get resolution unless people sit at the table, work together, and try to bridge these divides.

Jason Jones (11:24)

No bridge. There's no divide. It's a law. What? I don't understand this bridge, divide. Trying time is over. Are you.

Trevor Noah (11:34)

Did you.

Jason Jones (11:35)

How? Nobody's saying it's a good law. Nobody's saying it's a bad law, but it's a law. Are you familiar with how the world works? Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? Okay, they lost 31 7. And you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the. They didn't say that. What I'm saying is, wouldn't it be nice if the United States Congress aspired to the maturity and problem solving capacity of football players? Man, this is utter insanity. The Republicans are going to get fried for this. On the news, in the tug of.

Trevor Noah (12:23)

War over the budget and Obamacare, will the President or Republicans blink first? Neither side looks like they're anywhere close to caving.

Jason Jones (12:30)

Heading toward a government shutdown, who will Blink first. A lot of blame to go around in Washington.

Trevor Noah (12:35)

Neither side seemingly ready to give an inch.

Michael Kosta (12:37)

We've got a political game of chicken with a whole lot riding on it.

Jason Jones (12:42)

No, we don't. I'm all for a pox on both their houses when appropriate, but this is not a game of chicken. This is when someone is driving to work and there's a car coming directly at them in their lane. That's not a game of chicken. That's an ass causing a head on collision. Let me see if I can put this in another way for House Republicans.

Michael Kosta (13:04)

You get nothing.

Jason Jones (13:06)

You lose.

Michael Kosta (13:08)

Good day, sir.

Jason Jones (13:18)

And you know the Republicans will heed this advice because he's a small business owner, but perhaps nothing sums up the sheer ridiculousness of this situation. The degree to which the Republicans have left the plane of reason more than this new talking point that they themselves rolled out this weekend. The President will negotiate with the Iranians, but the President and the Senate will not talk to the House. Have as much flexibility with the Republicans as you do with the Russians and Iranians. The President is more than willing to negotiate with Iranians. I don't know why he wouldn't be willing to negotiate with us. You're not helping yourself. If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hardline, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans. Maybe he's not the problem.

Michael Kosta (14:21)

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Jason Jones (14:38)

When you need it the most.

Michael Kosta (14:40)

Don't miss out. Shop Maytag in store or online today at Lowe's.

Jason Jones (14:53)

Let's begin tonight with last night's inexorable march towards government shutdown. The cable news networks were so excited they whipped out their clocks, transitioning almost eventlessly from countdown clock before to countdown clock up after shutdown. Because on cable news, this is a demarcation point in history on par with the birth of Christ. By the way, CNN's clock has just been given a new show time of day coming up in our six o' clock hour. Six o'? Clock? I'm kidding. CNN would never give a show to a clock. They would give a show to two pundits who have opposing views about what time it is tonight at 8. No, it's at 3. So there you have It. Thank you. Here we go. Thanks to the tireless efforts of a few brave House Republican morons, we all get to now celebrate the March of Dumbs. Loud noises, government shutdown.

Michael Kosta (16:06)

Sit down.

Jason Jones (16:07)

Let's hear from an actual congressman. Let's hear from an actual congressman as to why we had to shut the federal government down.

Michael Kosta (16:16)

We just want to help the American.

Jason Jones (16:18)

People get by and through what is one of the most insidious laws ever.

Michael Kosta (16:21)

Created by man, and that is Obamacare.

Jason Jones (16:24)

Bravo. Not just one of the most insidious laws ever created by America, which has Jim Crow and slavery on its resume of laws, but by man putting Obamacare up with the Nuremberg Laws, the Spanish Inquisition, and prima napta, the medieval law where on your wedding night, the king gets to sleep with your wife. Hey, I don't know. King Longshanks may be in there banging my bride, but at least he's not forcing me into a health care exchange. Ooh. I don't want the government standing between me and the guy who applies my leeches. I don't. I don't. I don't know. I don't know why accent like that should probably not be from Jersey anyway. So now the House Republicans have made the incredibly unpopular move of forcing a shutdown in the United States government so as to save us all from having the king bang our wives. There's only one thing left to do. Fox to the damage control station. Man, the strawman.

Michael Kosta (17:24)

I wonder if it's going to be like the sequester, where before the sequester, we heard, you know, the sky essentially.

Jason Jones (17:29)

Is going to fall. It's going to be awful. You're going to feel the pain immediately. Not so much. The worst thing that happens is some museums close and someone can't go to the Statue of Liberty. We were all warned the sky was gonna fall. Well, you woke up this morning and the sun came up, didn't it? Yeah. No one told you the sky would fall. No one told you that a government shutdown had the same effect as an asteroid hitting the planet. Although, quick note, the government shutdown did affect the program. That would tell us if that was happening. But the point is, on Fox, no biggie.

Trevor Noah (18:01)

When the president came out yesterday and he went through the list of what wasn't going to change, he said, well, we'll have air traffic controllers, Medicare, you gotta go to a doctor. I was sitting there going, wait a second. He's making the case for the Republicans. This sounds pretty good.

Michael Kosta (18:13)

Maybe I'm just one of the few people I'm Just not. This doesn't impact me mentally. We've had 17 government shutdowns, Governor. I'm not afraid of a couple of weeks of government being shut down.

Jason Jones (18:25)

How bad can it be if it doesn't personally impact John Hannity? I mean, it's not like they shut down sm. I mean, that would really be up. Or closed our nation's strategic flag graphic reserves. Or if Roger Ailes implemented a no grunting policy in the Fox men's room. So it turns out there's a whole bunch of government functions that if ended, the casual observer might not immediately feel physically, but nevertheless might have an effect.

Trevor Noah (18:58)

NASA, the epa, and the Department of Commerce would essentially stop functioning. With the vast majority of their employees forced to stay home. 68% of the centers for Disease Control is, quote, furloughed. The Food and Drug Administration will not be able to support the majority of its food safety, nutrition and cosmetics activities.

Jason Jones (19:18)

Really? They might not be reviewing new products? How weird as I am just introducing one such definitely safe pharmaceutical product to the marketplace. Hello, friends. Are you tired of thinking with your penis and then having your penis make terrible decisions? Well, suffer no more, people, with new braincocktin. Braincocktin is a not at all dangerous or mysterious blend of household cleaning supplies and varnish. It's a natural blend of herbs that work together to grow your penis brain. That's right, you heard me. Soon your little head will have a big iq. Hey, guy, when you're done urinating, can you help me with my calculus homework? Thanks. Brain Cocktail. It totally works and has no side effects that I am required to tell you about as long as the FDA is offline braincocktin from the makers of Catarol. Finally, your cat can pay attention. And Hambion, the only sleeping pill that is clearly not kosher. So. Well, that's an interesting gif for the Internet. Me opening a bottle of Brain Cocktail and going like this. All right, enjoy that buzzfeed. So, a couple of government agencies are closed. Is this shutdown really gonna hurt anyone?

Michael Kosta (21:08)

The shutdown will also suspend the special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and children.

Jason Jones (21:14)

La la la la la la la. See? Nobody. It's like taking candy from a baby, except instead of candy, it's food. But to the Republicans, all of that adds up to a big. I don't know. I'm just not feeling it. In fact, if there's one soundbite that utterly expresses this worldview, it's this one right here.

Michael Kosta (21:37)

If you believe the Democrats, it's time to go out and buy the pot of meat and tang and get in your survival bunker. But you.

Jason Jones (21:54)

Because first of all. First of all. First of all, Democrats aren't the ones with survival bunkers. That's you guys. And second, I know that for you, potted meat and Tang is shorthand for you wouldn't possibly imagine eating unless there was a catastrophe. But for the people actually affected by the government shutdown, it's the they eat that they can no longer afford. Of course, I don't mean to suggest that Fox or the Republicans don't get upset by the effects of reduced government services. We remember what they were screaming about six months ago.

Trevor Noah (22:29)

The controversy over the administration's decision to cancel public tours at the White House. You've got all the kids screaming and moaning that they can't go to the White House tours.

Michael Kosta (22:38)

Now he's playing the political game by saying, I'm closing the White House. He's punishing those kids.

Trevor Noah (22:43)

He's even scaring little kids. I mean, how low can you go?

Michael Kosta (22:47)

My grandson Robert, who, you know, he and his class went to the White House tour about three weeks ago. They loved it. What the President's doing is an absurdity.

Trevor Noah (22:57)

The politicians, including our president, didn't do their jobs and now the children get punished by the White House. What's wrong with this picture?

Jason Jones (23:06)

Everything. Hey, your kid didn't get breakfast. That's your problem. My kid didn't get to tour the White House. That's everybody's problem. Here's another reason why I'm excited. I'm not leading off with the government shutdown. Not doing it, tired of it, switching it up. Except for this one thing that's kind of been getting under my skin a little bit concerning said shutdown. There's this whole Republican lack of what I like to call ownership over our current predicament.

Michael Kosta (23:34)

This is Harry Reid's shutdown.

Jason Jones (23:36)

This is not the Republican shutdown.

Trevor Noah (23:37)

This is Harry Reid and Barack Obama's shutdown.

Jason Jones (23:40)

Democrats refuse to work with us.

Michael Kosta (23:41)

Harry Reid refuses to come to the table and talk.

Trevor Noah (23:43)

Democrats still refuse to budge.

Jason Jones (23:45)

No willingness at all to compromise. The President won't negotiate. Yeah, it's not there. It's not their shutdown. Is their name on the shutdown?

Michael Kosta (23:52)

It's not.

Jason Jones (23:52)

Check the name on the shutdown. It's not. They didn't do it. They blame O.J. o.J. Did it. I think. O.J. if the glove doesn't fit, you must have. Remember the chase with the car? Anyway, the party of personal responsibility ain't takin none. So listen here's the proof once and for all. Sniffles McGillicuddy here. John Boehner sat down with George Stephanopoulos, who asked him about a claim that Harry Reid has been making. He says, and he said it publicly on many occasions, that you came to him back in July and offered to pass a clean government funding resolution. No Obamacare amendments. That was $70 billion below what the Senate wanted. They accepted it, and now you've reneged on that offer. No. Clearly, there was a conversation about doing this. Several conversations. Several.

Michael Kosta (24:42)

But.

Jason Jones (24:43)

And you offered a clean resolution. But I and my members decided that the threat of Obamacare and what was happening was so important that it was time for us to take a stand. And we took a stand.

Michael Kosta (24:53)

Did you.

Jason Jones (24:54)

Did you hear that? Can we stop having a conversation about it? Both sides are going to blink. Oh, they had a deal. But Obamacare. We decided to take a stand. Look, you think Obamacare is a big enough threat to this country that you need to shut down the government over it? Fine. Own it. Don't fart and point at the dog. Did you do that? Did you? You a good boy? I can't stay mad at you. You're a good boy. Republicans are refusing to back off Obamacare and pass a clean budget, sending our government shutdown into its second week. So I decided to take a crack at fixing this mess by sitting down with GOP strategist Noel Nikpoor. Let's solve this. Let's solve this right here, right now.

Trevor Noah (25:54)

Let's do it.

Jason Jones (25:55)

We just want our government back open. So what do we do?

Trevor Noah (25:58)

Defund Obamacare? The GOP is trying to save the American people from a disastrous health care plan. We don't have joy in the shutdown.

Jason Jones (26:11)

Can you just give us back our government? And when you do, include Obamacare? Because it's the law.

Trevor Noah (26:18)

It is law, but it's not good law. It's unconstitutional. It's unconstitutional.

Jason Jones (26:25)

Even though the Supreme Court deemed it constitutional?

Trevor Noah (26:28)

The Supreme Court deemed it constitutional, but it had to go to the Supreme Court to do so. And they still don't know what's in the bill.

Jason Jones (26:39)

The Supreme Court didn't read the bill. I feel the same way. Can we just stop this whole interview, please? You know, it's just a vicious circle. You dig your heels in, you say something stupid.

Trevor Noah (26:54)

It's a stupid law.

Jason Jones (26:55)

Then I give a generically witty response like, yes, affordable health care for millions of unemployed people is stupid. Then these dummies laugh. But where does it end?

Trevor Noah (27:07)

It ends with defunding Obamacare.

Jason Jones (27:10)

Oh, I'm done. I hate this job. Okay. It was clear what this situation had become.

Michael Kosta (27:17)

We have a hostage situation.

Trevor Noah (27:19)

You are holding this country hostage.

Jason Jones (27:22)

You don't get to extract a ransom for doing your job. So I enlisted the help of former FBI hostage negotiator Christopher Voss. So on a psychological level, why do people feel the need to take hostages?

Michael Kosta (27:38)

In their world, They've tried a lot of other things, and everything they've tried up to that point in time has failed. They view themselves as extremely significant people. So they're mystified that they're not being followed more, and they're hurt by it, and they feel very abandoned by it.

Jason Jones (27:54)

You know, I thought calling in a hostage negotiator would kind of be funny and a funny joke, but it's kind of incredible how this metaphor is lining up.

Michael Kosta (28:01)

Even bats Insane has its own rules. And you find out what the rules are, whatever they are, and then you navigate within those rules.

Jason Jones (28:09)

He prepped me with the trusted techniques he acquired through 15 years of service.

Michael Kosta (28:14)

Be careful not to be judging. Don't be condescending. I mean, just try to see it from her perspective.

Jason Jones (28:21)

Don't be condescending. That's all I know how to be. Finally, it was go time, and I had to stay focused.

Michael Kosta (28:31)

All right, just say something innocuous. Just get her talking.

Jason Jones (28:35)

My name is Jason Jones. I'm here to listen to you. What are your demands?

Trevor Noah (28:40)

Can you just put the microphone down?

Jason Jones (28:43)

It's called the megaphone.

Michael Kosta (28:44)

Don't be condescending. That is not the strategy. Just. Just talk about things that you think she might like. Try to find some common ground.

Jason Jones (28:51)

Noelle, talk to me about how Obamacare will hurt small businesses and their employees.

Michael Kosta (28:57)

All right. Nicely done.

Trevor Noah (28:59)

It's going to be disastrous for small businesses.

Jason Jones (29:02)

I'm sorry. I just can't keep this up. It's so stupid.

Michael Kosta (29:05)

It's not stupid to her. You've got to realize that even in her world, this makes sense.

Jason Jones (29:12)

Please continue with your thoughts. Voss taught me that keeping the hostage taker talking is crucial, no matter what is coming out of their mouth.

Trevor Noah (29:22)

Obamacare is going to be one of the worst things. One of the worst things in American history.

Jason Jones (29:30)

One of the worst things in American history, huh? Do you remember slavery?

Michael Kosta (29:36)

No, no. Don't attack. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Jason Jones (29:39)

That's just. I see. I'm not gonna call her on slavery or anything like that.

Michael Kosta (29:44)

Yeah, I know. I realize that what she just said is utterly ridiculous, and it ignores the entire history of the United States, but.

Jason Jones (29:51)

It'S her perspective, I began to realize that there was one major problem with this hostage negotiation.

Trevor Noah (29:58)

We don't need government and our health care. We don't need government in our lives. We need a smaller government.

Jason Jones (30:07)

And that problem is that no matter what we do, the GOP is holding something hostage that they just don't value. So you're saying you're going to maim the thing you're holding hostage?

Trevor Noah (30:21)

Regardless, we will always fight for less government.

Jason Jones (30:26)

No, you're supposed to say, we'll let the hostage go safely. That's Hostage Taking 101.

Trevor Noah (30:30)

Oh, please. We're not in the business of taking hostages. If you want to look at someone that's in the business of taking hostages, you need to look at Obama and the whole Democrat circus.

Michael Kosta (30:42)

I gotta tell you, in my 20 plus years in this business, I have never seen anything like this before.

Trevor Noah (30:48)

Looks like we win.

Jason Jones (30:50)

No one wins.

Trevor Noah (30:50)

In this case, the GOP does.

Jason Jones (30:53)

It's not a game.

Michael Kosta (30:58)

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Jason Jones (31:09)

And a drink.

Michael Kosta (31:10)

We may need to change that jingle.

Jason Jones (31:11)

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Trevor Noah (31:14)

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Michael Kosta (31:49)

In 2018, the government shutdown is officially over. Oh, and also there was a government shutdown. And, you know, look, we. We all knew that news under Trump travels at warp speed, but this was just insane. Think about it. By the time we had processed the fact that the government was shut down, they had already shut down the shutdown. Like. Like one day, news under Trump is gonna get so fast, he's gonna start a war with another country. And then before the troops even deploy, the war will be done. People would be like, hey, did you see that war over the weekend? It's like, no, I missed it. Oh, who won? Tom Brady. Tom Brady won. That's who won. So, like, it's all up in the air, but let's take a moment to try and understand what the hell just happened. It all started on Friday at Midnight. While you were just getting to the club, the federal government was blacking out.

Jason Jones (32:40)

Negotiations underway to avert a government shutdown.

Trevor Noah (32:43)

When the clock strikes midnight in Washington, the government of this country will run out of money.

Jason Jones (32:48)

A 60 vote majority is needed in the Senate to pass the proposed short term spending bill that Republicans passed in the House.

Michael Kosta (32:55)

More than a dozen Democrats are ready.

Jason Jones (32:56)

To vote no because the bill does not protect dreamers.

Michael Kosta (33:00)

Breaking news.

Jason Jones (33:01)

The federal government has shut down.

Michael Kosta (33:03)

Man, that sounded so serious. I wish Orrin Hatch was here to take off his imaginary glasses. It's shut down. It has shut down. Now, in case you're wondering what a government shutdown means, it's basically what happens when Congress can't agree to fund the government. So the government runs out of money, which forces the closing of all its non essential operations. So government workers were sent home, military personnel kept working without pay, and the fcc, for instance, stopped censoring anything on tv. Which is why the last episode of this is Us had that giant orgy scene. Yeah, Jack had sex with the himself from the past. And it was beautiful. It was beautiful. So Democrats and Republicans couldn't agree on what they call a continuing resolution to keep the government funded. Democrats wanted it to include a provision to let dreamers stay in the United States. Republicans were like, no, let's pass a clean bill that funds a catapult to send them out right now. In their defense, that really sounds like a fun way to get deported. I'm not gonna lie. Bye.

Jason Jones (34:05)

Bye.

Michael Kosta (34:07)

So after a night of failed negotiations, lawmakers left the Capitol unsatisfied. Like it was a salad night at Paula Deen's house. And no one was more upset than the toddler in chief because the shutdown ended up ruining his one year birthday party.

Jason Jones (34:20)

President Trump holed up in the White House at this hour when he thought.

Michael Kosta (34:24)

He'D be at a big party for.

Jason Jones (34:25)

Himself at Mar a Lago down in Palm beach, celebrating his first year of his term.

Michael Kosta (34:30)

The anniversary party at the Mar a Lago resort in Florida will go on as planned. Tonight, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. Will go in their father's place. Poor Trump, man. Because not only did they cancel his party, he had to work on the weekend or at least pretend to work.

Jason Jones (34:46)

The White House sending out this picture. Take a look at it. They say it shows the President working the phones and make America great again.

Michael Kosta (34:54)

Okay, all right. Hold up. Don Lemon. He wasn't working. Look at him. He just looks like a part time model who's learning on the job. Look, he can't even pretend work. He's looking right at the camera. You're not supposed to look at the camera. The photographer was probably like, just look over there. And Trump was like, okay, okay, okay, I'm ready. Cheese.

Jason Jones (35:16)

Yeah.

Michael Kosta (35:16)

Cause, like, other presidents could pretend work for the picture. You see like. Like, Obama, he had his shot. You see? Look at him. He's like, I'm working. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. Bill Clinton, he had his one as well. He's like, there. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. And then George Bush is like, oh, is this a phone?

Jason Jones (35:31)

Everyone's got it, right?

Michael Kosta (35:33)

What's with that pose? What is that? Hmm? What is that thing he's doing? It looks like he doesn't even know how to sit at a president's desk. Like, he's half out of it. You know what it looks like? It looks like he was on a tour of the White House, and then he snuck in and he told his story. He's like, quick, quick, take a picture. I'm the president. I'm the president. It looks like the real president's gonna walk. Hey, what are you doing there, kid? Ah. And also, why is Trump, like, the only president who doesn't have his family pictures by his desk? Have you ever noticed that behind him? He's the only president where I've ever seen that. Like, I wonder if his family ever walks in and they're like, hey, where's our photos? And he's like, oh, I'm sorry. Where's your Electoral College victory, huh? Which, by the way, was the biggest ever. Did I ever tell you about the time I watched? But Donald Trump wasn't the only one that the shutdown affected. There were real Americans who were faced with real consequences.

Trevor Noah (36:30)

There may be a government shutdown, but reports say that hasn't stopped members of Congress from using their exclusive gym. According to the Washington Post, some members of the House reportedly complained there weren't enough towels stacked in the gym this morning and even wondered aloud if it was because of the shutdown.

Michael Kosta (36:48)

Yeah, it's not funny. No, you laugh, but it's not funny to people in Congress. Without towels, everyone at the gym had to see Bernie Sanders naked. And let's just say the carpet matches the drapes. So whether it's because of Bernie's naked ass or the threats of voter backlash, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal this afternoon to end the shutdown. And the deal was, Republicans would promise to hold a vote on immigration, and in exchange, Democrats would agree to keep the government open for three more weeks. Yeah, three more weeks. Which to me sounds pathetic, but I guess that's why I'll never make it in Congress.

Trevor Noah (37:33)

Today is the day to celebrate because we have shown that a determined group of senators working together across the aisle can result in positive action, in this case, the reopening of government.

Michael Kosta (37:52)

I want to say to the leadership of the Senate Democrats and Republicans, thank you. Thank you very much for demonstrating this bipartisan leadership that the country is crying out for. American lawmakers are priceless. They want credit for fixing the thing that they broke and not like, really fixing it, like, barely fixing it, because the government is only gonna be funded for three weeks, which is not normal. I don't care what anybody says. You're just having a government funded week to week. America is the richest country in the world, and the government is out here basically paying rent week to week. Like, America gets caught on the stairway by the landlord and is like, oh, oh, hey, Milosh.

Jason Jones (38:29)

Oh, hey. Yeah, I was gonna get you, man.

Michael Kosta (38:32)

I just, you know. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here. There we go. This will cover it for the next three weeks. And don't catch that till Friday.

Jason Jones (38:37)

Yeah.

Michael Kosta (38:39)

You realize this is not normal. You don't hear of governments in the rest of the world just shutting down because they refused to fund themselves. Where I come from, if the government shuts down, it's because the rebels have taken over. Then the president is like, okay, the government is shut down, but not because people can't fund it. So we're probably gonna be talking about a shutdown again in. In three weeks time from now. But I guess for now, Republicans and Democrats can be happy that they averted disaster. It's just too bad that Trump won't hear the good news because he's still in his office pretending to talk on the phone. Hello? DIAL tone Yesterday, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal to end the government shutdown. But, like, was it really a shutdown? Cause if we're honest about it, they shut it down on Friday night at midnight, opened it back up on a Monday afternoon. I don't know about you, but that just sounds like a weekend. Yeah, it's what we all do in our lives. We shut down on a Friday night, and then it usually takes half of Monday to get things going again. You know, that's life. Like, imagine you quit your job on Saturday, but you didn't tell your boss, and then you just walk into his office on Monday and you're like, fine, I'm back. Like, what are you talking about? Nothing but yes. Anyway, the shutdown ended yesterday, and today we found out the secret to getting American lawmakers working together. Republican Senator Susan Collins of Maine. She led a bipartisan group of senators in talks to reopen the government, and she used a now famous talking stick.

Trevor Noah (40:11)

I can show it to you. And as you can see, it's beautifully beaded. It is originally from Africa. It was very helpful in making that everybody's voice got heard.

Michael Kosta (40:27)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. You had a magic stick that makes senators work together the whole time, and then you only bring it out after the shutdown? What the hell, Susan Collins. You could have saved everybody so much stress. You know what Susan Collins reminds me of the Power Rangers. Yeah, they spend the whole episode getting their ass kicked, and then they become the giant robot. Just be the robot from the beginning. Oh, there's a bad guy. Boom. Let's go home. Go bring out the talking stick at the end, just. By the way, guys, I don't know what she's talking about, but we. We don't use talking sticks in Africa. Like, I feel like Susan Collins just got bamboozled by some random guy on the street.

Jason Jones (41:08)

Just.

Michael Kosta (41:11)

He'S like, take this stick. The spirits of our ancestors will bring you together for $500.

Jason Jones (41:16)

Huh?

Michael Kosta (41:18)

Africans don't use talking sticks, Susan Collins. We use microphones. All right? We haven't used talking sticks since, like, 2007. The point is, the government reopened, and as soon as it did, everyone just wanted to know one thing.

Trevor Noah (41:36)

Winners and losers from the shutdown showdown. Well, look at the winners and losers.

Jason Jones (41:39)

Of the government shutdown who came out of this.

Michael Kosta (41:42)

On top of and on the bottom.

Trevor Noah (41:43)

And sideways, we know there are some substantive winners here.

Michael Kosta (41:47)

He walked out the winner, not the loser.

Trevor Noah (41:49)

So this is who Crystal is. The thinks are the winners. Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham. As he said, 2018 Democrats.

Michael Kosta (41:54)

I mean, obviously the big loser here is Chuck Schumer.

Trevor Noah (41:56)

I think that both sides actually lost.

Jason Jones (41:58)

There are no winners.

Trevor Noah (41:59)

I think everybody at the end of the day is a loser.

Michael Kosta (42:01)

That's right. Everyone is a loser. I like to imagine that Dana says that every day in the CNN cafeteria. She's like, everyone here is a loser. Blitzer, give me your milk. He's like, oh, I need it. Shut up, old man. But if the big question is who won and who lost? The truth is, you can make an argument both ways, all right? Depends on how you look at it. You could say Democrats won because they got children's health care funding, they got campaign ads. For the midterms. And Mitch McConnell had to pinky promise to hold a vote on immigration in the next three weeks. But at the same time, maybe that means that they lost because they got a promise from Mitch McConnell, the same guy who broke his Obamacare promise to Susan Collins, the same guy who hasn't delivered on his other immigration promise to Jeff Flake. Yeah, and those are his fellow Republicans. Like Democrats might hope that he won't do them dirty, but Mitch is the biggest player in the Senate. He's just like, come on, baby. You know you can trust me. Come on. Yeah, I'mma change his mind. Come on, Marley. So. So I guess Republicans also won. All right. All they had to do was give a flimsy promise, and then the Democrats backed down, reopened the government, and on top of that, they snuck in $30 billion in additional tax cuts, which you didn't even know about. Yeah. So in a way, I guess everyone kind of won. Yeah. I mean, unless. Unless I'm forgetting someone. Someone? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The people that this whole goddamn issue was about.

Trevor Noah (43:27)

The DACA program is set to end March 5 with no solution. Dreamers could start to face deportation at that time.

Michael Kosta (43:35)

That's right. The dreamers, they came away from this shutdown worse off than before. Because before. Before it all became about winning or losing, even Republicans believed that DACA kids deserved a chance in the US I'm very sympathetic with this situation.

Jason Jones (43:54)

I mean, these are young people who.

Michael Kosta (43:57)

Were brought here at a tender age. Do we want to deport 700,000 dockets?

Jason Jones (44:03)

No, we don't want to do that. We love the dreamers. We love everybody.

Michael Kosta (44:06)

The lovers, the dreamers, and me. Yeah, of course Kermit's a Republican. He's old and super rich. But. But once the shutdown became about scoring political points, suddenly Republican leaders turned these people from dreamers to illegals. Apparently, they believe that the issue of.

Jason Jones (44:27)

Illegal immigration is more important than everything else.

Michael Kosta (44:30)

The Democrats in the United States Senate, who decided to play politics with military pay and to literally shut the government.

Jason Jones (44:37)

Down over a debate over illegal immigration.

Trevor Noah (44:40)

President Trump tweeted that Democrats are holding our military hostage over their desire to have unchecked illegal immigration. Can't let that happen.

Michael Kosta (44:47)

Get these illegal immigrants out of my country. But look, if you're a dreamer, it's not completely unexpected that Republicans would turn on you. But you're also probably not that impressed with Democrats either, because time and time again, they've promised the dreamers more than they can deliver.

Jason Jones (45:05)

I cannot support a bill, a continuing.

Michael Kosta (45:08)

Resolution that doesn't deal with the DACA issue.

Trevor Noah (45:11)

We will not leave here without the DREAM act passing with a DACA fix.

Michael Kosta (45:17)

And then they left before they got the DACA act fixed. Look, here's the thing, Democrats. I believe that you're trying to help the dreamers. But you may be setting unrealistic expectations when you know you don't have power and you keep making promises only to back down. I'm not gonna lie. That doesn't make you look great. And this is what sucks for dreamers about this whole situation. You're six weeks away from being deported to a country you've never known, and now the only thing that stands between you and an answer is a man with more broken promises than chins. To me, that doesn't sound like a dream. It sounds like a nightmare. January 7, 2019. The wall. It's not only one of the lead characters in Game of Thrones, it's also President Trump's most famous campaign promise. Now, according to Trump, the wall is almost completely built and America is safer than ever before. But at the same time, according to Trump, he also says there is no wall and America is in grave danger. And I know those messages seem contradictory, but remember that the Bible does this all the time. In the Old Testament, the Bible is like, don't eat shrimp. Then in the New Testament, Jesus took everyone to Red Lobster. So, yeah, they're like, jesus, why are we here? It's like, because you. You me, good Judas. That's why. Now, don't forget, yes, Jesus listened to Beyonce. Cause he knew the future. That's the whole point of the joke. Now, don't forget, just a month ago, when Republicans still controlled all of Congress, Trump couldn't get funding for his wall. So with the Democrats in the House, it's no surprise that the situation has escalated. A new year, a new Congress in Washington.

Trevor Noah (46:53)

And Trump's shutdown enters its third week, 17 days and counting. As President, Trump refuses to back down.

Michael Kosta (47:01)

On his budget demand of $5 billion for a border war with Mexico.

Trevor Noah (47:05)

And the government remains in partial shutdown. Democrats standing firm that no taxpayer dollars be used to build a wall.

Michael Kosta (47:13)

The President repeatedly promised that Mexico would pay for his unnecessary and ineffective border wall. On Friday, he suggested the shutdown may last months or even years.

Jason Jones (47:24)

If we have to stay out for a very long period of time, we're going to do that. Wow.

Michael Kosta (47:29)

The shutdown could keep going for years. I bet Trump is just hoping that if it goes on long enough, America can't afford to have another election. And then he can just keep being president. Like, unfortunately, there's not enough money for an election, folks. We only have the funds to print one ballot, and I get to use it. So my vote is for Chesta Cheetah. Yeah, anyone who wears sunglasses inside is cool enough to be my president, folks. Now, the thing about shutdowns is that if they end quickly, there's not much harm that is done, right? But the longer they go on, the worse the effects are. Think of it like this. If you leave your cats at home alone for the weekend, they may not love it, but they'll be fine, right? They'll just, like, drink toilet water or something. All right, but if you're gone for six months, you're gonna need some new cats, right? And because they escape and then they leave. And 17 days into this shutdown, let's just say that America's cats are starting to stink. Tonight, nearly a dozen departments and agencies have run out of funding. Roughly 25% of the federal government gone dark.

Trevor Noah (48:34)

Here are those. Agriculture, Commerce, Justice, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, State, Transportation, Treasury.

Michael Kosta (48:41)

Many judges are furloughed, creating a backlog in the immigration court system. Then there are the farmers, already under duress from the president's trade war with China. The shutdown means they're not getting those stimulus payments promised by their government.

Trevor Noah (48:55)

The ripple effects extending to the national parks, piling up with garbage, even human waste, turning them into health hazards.

Michael Kosta (49:02)

Park visitors in some places are taking care of business, shall we say, along pathways or in the woods? That's right. The shutdown has gotten so bad that at national parks, Americans are pooping on the ground. Who's the shithole country now? At the same time, though. At the same time, though, I thought shitting on the ground is just what you do when you go camping in the woods. I mean, I don't know why this is a problem. I mean, I don't go camping to get. Because I'm black. But it's what I always assumed people do. And the shutdown has gotten so bad that the national zoo in Washington, D.C. has had to close everything down, including their beloved pandacam. Yeah. Which broke my heart. Cause I love the panda cam. I relate to pandas. I, too, am half black, half white. And I also don't want to have kids. So I decided that the Daily show was gonna do something about the panda cam being down, which is why I'm proud to announce we brought a live panda to the show.

Jason Jones (50:08)

No, no, I'm.

Michael Kosta (50:10)

No, I'm. Guys, I'm I'm just. I'm just messing with you. We can't. We can't afford to bring a panda here. We don't have that John Oliver HBO money, all right? What we do have is some special effects that are really bad and employees who have to do whatever I say. So please welcome the star of our panda camp, Michael Costa, everybody. This is humiliating.

Jason Jones (50:32)

Trevor, I'm a grown man, and now you're.

Michael Kosta (50:35)

I don't want to cut you off. I love Costa, but can you just chew on the bamboo while you speak, please?

Jason Jones (50:41)

Fine. What I was saying was that this is undignified, and if you keep treating us this way, we won't be around much longer.

Michael Kosta (50:49)

He's so cute. Look at him with his little stick. Thanks, panda. We'll check in later. Ah, where were we? Ah, yes, the government shutdown. Now, the shutdown is affecting lots of people, but the people it's affecting most most directly are the government workers themselves. You see, 800,000 federal employees aren't getting paid right now, and for a lot of them, it's really hitting hard.

Trevor Noah (51:12)

Americans are talking about the tough financial challenges they face on Twitter, using the hashtag shutdownstories. In Wyoming, Ernie Johnson says thankfully his auto loan deferred his truck payment in January, but if he doesn't receive back pay, he'll likely be evicted February 1st. And Sarah Waterson, who describes herself as a Marine Corps veteran on Twitter, puts her family struggle into perspective, saying, my children don't care about walls. They do care about having a warm house to live in, a car to ride in, clothes to wear, and food in their bellies. None of which is possible if their mom can't go to work. The President says their pain is for a higher purpose.

Jason Jones (51:46)

The people that won't get next week's pay or the following week's pay. I think if you ever really looked at those people, I think they'd say, Mr. President, keep going. This is far more important.

Michael Kosta (51:59)

Why is Trump fantasizing about what people are saying about the shutdown instead of just listening to what they're saying about the shutdown? Like, he's fantasizing he's up there. Like, I think what they would be saying is, we're saying, we hate it. We want our money.

Jason Jones (52:12)

Shh.

Michael Kosta (52:12)

Be quiet. I'm trying to imagine what you would be saying. They would be saying, I'm so handsome. And now, before you get totally mad at Trump, remember, he isn't the kind of person to just kick people out of work without offering them any help. No. In Fact, his Office of Personnel Management is giving unpaid government workers some handy advice on how to cope without cash.

Trevor Noah (52:34)

The U.S. office of Personnel Management has advice for those federal employees on how to deal with their precarious financial situations. They make this suggestion, federal employees should offer to perform chores in exchange for rent payments. One example, this sample letter to a landlord that reads in part, I would like to discuss with you the possibility of trading my services to perform maintenance. For example, painting, carpentry work in exchange for partial rent payments.

Michael Kosta (53:01)

You want people to trade rent for carpentry? So we're going back to the barter system. I mean, I knew Trump was going to make America go back with, but not to the Middle Ages. I mean. No, because at this rate, we're three weeks away from America being a full on barter system. Right? And as an African, let me tell you guys, you do not want the barter system. Yeah, you're gonna be sitting there trying to figure out how many goats an iPhone is worth. Is it one goat? Is it half a goat? And you ever try and make change for a goat? It's not pretty, folks. But as dire as the consequences seem, the shutdown shows no signs of coming to an end. Yeah, it's a record right now. And that's really depressing news because everyone doesn't know when it's gonna end. We don't know where it's gonna go. Which is why I thank God every day for our pandacam. Panda. What? What? What are you doing, Michael? You're supposed to be a real panda, dude. It's for the people. A panda wouldn't be reading Michelle Obama's book.

Jason Jones (53:55)

Why are pandas Republican?

Michael Kosta (53:58)

No, Michael, just drop the book and do panda stuff, man. You know, like roll around on the ground and shit.

Jason Jones (54:03)

I mean, is that what you want?

Michael Kosta (54:05)

Huh?

Jason Jones (54:06)

Is this what you want, Trevor?

Michael Kosta (54:07)

Yeah, panda.

Jason Jones (54:09)

Are you not entertained?

Trevor Noah (54:10)

Huh?

Michael Kosta (54:13)

This is dope.

Jason Jones (54:13)

I don't do this anymore. Nah, I'm activating my white privilege. Yeah.

Michael Kosta (54:20)

Not doing this. I'm sorry, you're activating your what?

Jason Jones (54:24)

My white privilege.

Michael Kosta (54:25)

Yeah, that's right, sir. You've been upgraded to first class.

Jason Jones (54:28)

Right this way. See what I mean?

Michael Kosta (54:30)

There you go. I knew it was a real thing. Michael Costa, everyone.

Jason Jones (54:35)

Limu Emu. And Doug, here we have the Limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

Michael Kosta (54:48)

Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

Jason Jones (54:52)

Uh, limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

Michael Kosta (54:55)

Cut the camera. They see us.

Jason Jones (54:57)

Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Very under written by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates Excludes Massachusetts.

Trevor Noah (55:06)

Living with schizophrenia isn't easy, especially when you're not getting relief from some of your symptoms. It can be hard when you're still dealing with symptoms like hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there, and negative symptoms like feeling unmotivated or avoiding social situations. If this sounds familiar, it might be time to talk to your healthcare provider and explore a different kind of schizophrenia treatment. Discover your possibilities@treatingscz.com.

Michael Kosta (55:41)

It is now day 27 of the longest shutdown in American history. Funding for low income housing is in danger. School lunches are facing cutbacks, and things have gotten so bad that Air Force One is now being operated by Spirit Airlines. Poor Melania. She always pays for Trump's sins. Look at her. She's like, this is not best. Anyway, as you know, 800,000 government employees have not been paid, right? The US economy is at risk of sliding into recession. And now even most concerning, the shutdown is even affecting the world of hip hop.

Trevor Noah (56:16)

Native Bronxite Cardi B. Now weighing in on the government shutdown. Hey, y', all, I just wanna remind y' all because it's been a little bit over three weeks, okay? It's been a little bit over three weeks. Trump is now ordering, as in summencing federal government workers to go back to.

Michael Kosta (56:33)

Work without getting paid.

Trevor Noah (56:35)

I know a lot of y' all don't care because y' all don't work for the government or y' all probably don't even have a job, but this shit is really serious, bro. I feel like we need to take some action. I don't know what type of action, bitch, because this is not what I do, but, bitch, I'm scared.

Michael Kosta (56:50)

That is the most amazing thing out. That is so dope. Like, how cool would it be if Cardi B somehow ended the shutdown, right? Like, we find out that Trump is a major fan because Bodak yellow is his favorite song and also the color of his hair, like, that would be so insane. And I will say this, if there's one woman who Trump won't end the shutdown for, it's Nancy P. Because a couple of days ago she wrote a letter asking him to postpone his State of the Union address, right? In light of the government shutdown. And after two days learning how to write, I assume the president wrote a letter back.

Trevor Noah (57:28)

President Trump moments ago canceling House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's overseas trip to Brussels, Egypt, and The war zone that is Afghanistan. Hours before the speaker and her congressional delegation were set to leave, saying in part, quote, in light of the 800,000 great American workers not receiving pay, I am sure you would agree that postponing this public relations event is totally appropriate. He goes on to write, obviously, if you would like to make your journey by flying commercial, that would certainly be your prerogative.

Michael Kosta (57:56)

Ooh, you can feel Trump said it like it's the worst thing he could think of. If you wanna fly commercial.

Jason Jones (58:02)

Ah.

Michael Kosta (58:05)

That'S hardcore, though, right? Canceling her flight right before she's about to take off. That's like the complete opposite of a romantic comedy. Like, I imagine Trump ran through the airport like, nancy, Nancy, wait. Nancy, there's something I have to tell you. And Pelosi was like, yes. Donald's like, nancy, get the off the plane now. Now, to be fair to Trump, Nancy Pelosi's letter was a little bit snarky, right? But it's crazy that Trump's GPS never takes him onto the high road, right? Cause he's just like, okay, Nancy, you wanna play where you're messing with the queen bitch now? But look, Cardi B is right. Something needs to be done. Because the government is not doing its job right now. And everyday citizens have decided to step up. As the shutdown drags on, some are getting desperate. Hundreds of furloughed federal workers turning to ghost gofundme, pleading for help to pay the bills.

Jason Jones (59:10)

Some are dipping into their savings. They're relying on credit cards, even setting up GoFundMe pages. The National park foundation has launched a campaign to collect emergency funds. About 1800 campaigns are raising money to help with rent, groceries, student loans, and more.

Michael Kosta (59:25)

Yes, government workers are being forced to use GoFundMe to try and make ends meet. For more on how people are coping with the shutdown, we turn to a man who gets shut down at bars all the time. Michael Kosta, everybody.

Jason Jones (59:37)

Thank you, people.

Michael Kosta (59:43)

People are using crowdfunding to survive, all right? Some government workers are even raising money to help take care of national parks. What do you make of this?

Jason Jones (59:51)

Well, I. I think it's great, especially about the parks. I leave a lot of trash there on the weekends.

Michael Kosta (59:57)

Oh, I didn't know that you'd go camping.

Jason Jones (59:59)

I don't. I just take my trash there. I mean, why? Where do you put yours? On the curb where a lawyer could find it? You cracked me up. I'm all for crowdfunding to help people during the shutdown because I love helping people and More than that, I love playing God. Sure, Coast Guard, firefighter, I'll throw you a hundo. But not you, TSA inspector. Not until I get my prescription shampoo back. I picked up something pretty nasty when I was throwing my garbage in the woods. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Michael Kosta (60:32)

No. Um. Look, federal workers shouldn't have to depend on charity to do their jobs. I don't think that's right. I mean, it's nice that people are stepping up, but this isn't sustainable.

Jason Jones (60:42)

Well, it could be sustainable, Trevor, if everybody just donated to the services that they cared about. Then we wouldn't even need government worried about national security. Donate to the military. You want to help kids? I don't. But give to education. Want to support a handsome, high quality entertainer, you can send me money on Venmo. I'm Michael Kosta, the comedian.

Michael Kosta (61:04)

Dash four. Dash four. So there's three other Michael Kosta, the comedians on Venmo.

Jason Jones (61:11)

They're all me. I just keep forgetting my password.

Michael Kosta (61:13)

Ah, I see. Okay. But. But Michael, here's the thing. Widespread charity can't fix government's issues because you can't guarantee that you'll have enough money to pay for everything that you need. Okay, so what if some people don't want to contribute?

Jason Jones (61:25)

Well, well, don't get your dimples in a twist, T bone. Okay, we'll make a rule. Everybody has to give at least a little something based on their income.

Michael Kosta (61:34)

Uh huh. And. And so. So we require people to donate money, but how do we know it's going to the right places?

Jason Jones (61:41)

Man, you sure do love questions, huh?

Michael Kosta (61:44)

I'll tell you what.

Jason Jones (61:45)

We'll hire people to figure out where all the donation money should go, and then I don't have to think about it. Any other issues, Trevor?

Michael Kosta (61:52)

No.

Jason Jones (61:52)

Casio Cortez?

Michael Kosta (61:53)

Yeah, I just. I just have one more. I just have one more. Okay. Deciding where the money goes is a big responsibility. So how do we decide who'd be in charge of it all?

Jason Jones (62:01)

It's easy. We. We ask the public who they want in charge, and then whoever gets the most picks gets the job. Then every few years, we ask again.

Michael Kosta (62:10)

Michael, you. You. You realize you're describing a government.

Jason Jones (62:14)

If. If that's what you want to call it, then let's try this government. And worst case scenario, if it doesn't work, we'll shut it down.

Michael Kosta (62:21)

That's where we.

Jason Jones (62:22)

Michael Costa, everyone.

Michael Kosta (62:27)

And now, moving on to another formerly prosperous country that is now falling into unrest. The United States. It is now day 34 of the government shutdown, the longest in American history, and the effects continue to pile up. A major border security conference has been canceled. Flood recovery efforts have been stalled, and the government is so broke, the Secret Service has now been replaced by mall cops. And on top of all of that, President Trump's State of the Union address is officially canceled overnight.

Jason Jones (62:57)

President Trump blinking in his State of the Union staredown with Nancy Pelosi. The president writing in a late night tweet, I will do the address when the shutdown is over. I am not looking for an alternative venue for the State of the Union address because there is no venue that can compete with a history, tradition and a portrait of the House chamber.

Michael Kosta (63:14)

Oh, look at that. Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi facing off. And Trump blinked first, which, of course, we knew would happen because Nancy Pelosi does not blink. And personally, personally, I think postponing the State of the Union will be good for Trump's approval rating, because Americans are very supportive of him not speaking. It's the thing they enjoy. Now, for many people, the shutdown still feels abstract, especially if you don't rely on government, you know, for assistance. You know, people are like, what do I care? I'm flying first class. Well, not for long.

Jason Jones (63:45)

Pilots, flight attendants, and air traffic controllers are expressing growing concern, saying air safety is deteriorating by the day as the government shutdown drags on.

Trevor Noah (63:54)

Their unions issued a joint statement saying they can't even predict the point at which the entire system will break.

Michael Kosta (63:59)

Oh, hell no. They can't predict when the system, like, now the shutdown is affecting air traffic control. Like, if I was a pilot, I wouldn't even play around with this nonsense. I'd be like, ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our cruising altitude of 50ft. 50ft. Just gonna play it safe today, folks, but this is crazy. You realize without properly staffed air traffic control pilots are asking how safe it is to fly. And spirit airline pilots are asking, what's air traffic control? Spirit Airlines, we shut down the day we opened. After 35 days of the longest shutdown in American history, America's government is officially open for business. The shutdown is over.

Trevor Noah (64:46)

800,000 furloughed federal workers will go back to work today and should be getting their back pay within days. That fix only opens the government for three weeks, and it does not provide any new money for a border wall, as President Trump had demanded.

Jason Jones (65:01)

I am very proud to announce today that we have reached a deal to end the shutdown and reopen the federal government.

Michael Kosta (65:09)

Okay, first of all, there's nothing to be proud of. Second of all, there's not really a deal. Like, have you ever noticed how all of Trump's accomplishments are just fixing things that he broke? He's like, folks, good news. I freed the immigrant kids from their cages. Wait, who put them in cages? Also me. I'm glad you announced North Korea isn't gonna blow us up anymore. Wait, why were they gonna blow us up? Cause I called him a fat little rocket man. And who can forget when he dropped the White House bust of Abraham Lincoln? But then he was also the one who taped it back together. Yeah, and you can't even tell the difference. He's like, I'm proud to announce the refurbishment of this Lincoln statue. Sadly, it was not filled with candy as I had hoped, folks. So the government shutdown is officially over. Which is great because federal workers are getting paid again, the FDA can inspect food again, and the national parks can finally clean up their trash and put it where it belongs, the ocean. And although the shutdown ended, that doesn't mean it hasn't left behind some lasting damage.

Trevor Noah (66:14)

The non partisan budget office today estimated the last partial shutdown cost the economy $11 billion, 3 billion of which will never be recovered. The government shutdown was particularly hard on contract employees. Those contractors aren't guaranteed back pay. The IRS is gonna be struggling to get returns out to some Americans on time. It could take at least a year to get back to normal after 5 million pieces of mail went unopened.

Michael Kosta (66:41)

You know, life is so unfair. The IRS just gets to be like, oh, sorry we couldn't do your taxes because we didn't open our mail. But if we tried that, if we said, oh, we didn't file our taxes because we didn't open our mail, now all of a sudden, we're roommates with Wesley Snipes. And don't get me wrong, I love blade, but not 24 hours a day. So now, thanks to the shutdown, the IRS is behind like, a year, which is bad news for everyone except Trump. He's probably gonna be like, oh, that's too bad. I was just about to have them release my tax returns. So although it was only 35 days, the government shutdown's effects will continue to hurt America for a while. And maybe it would have been all worth it for Trump if he had gotten some of that sweet, sweet war money. But he folded with nothing to show for it. And even some of his strongest supporters are admitting that Trump got owned by Nancy Pelosi bigly. Some right wing media analysts have been merciless in their criticism of President Trump. Broken man, biggest wimp. Trump just allowed Nancy to walk all over him.

Trevor Noah (67:47)

It's clear Trump did not come out on top. I'm not going to spin it for you.

Michael Kosta (67:50)

She has just whipped the President of the United States. And this time.

Jason Jones (67:54)

No, no, Stop, stop, stop. That's a victory for Nancy Pelosi. It will be perceived as such on every television monitor and screen in the country. And to deny it is to try to escape from reality. Damn.

Michael Kosta (68:10)

You know it's bad when even Trump's personal cheerleaders are dunking on him. You understand? These are the people he watches every night to make him feel good about himself, and now they're trashing him. It's like imagine if you had a book of inspirational quotes that you used every day, and then one day you opened it and it was like, nigga, kill yourself. That's the pain he's feeling right now. And you heard. You heard what Lou Dobbs said. If you can't acknowledge that Nancy Pelosi whooped Trump's ass, then you are not in touch with reality. And honestly, I don't know why Lou Dobbs delivered this message on tv. He could have just posted a sign in the Fox News break room. Anyone out there, by the way, thinking President Trump caved today? You don't really know the Donald Trump I know. He right now holds all the cards. He will secure the border one way or another.

Jason Jones (68:59)

I don't see it. I see this as a process. This is a halftime stopping the action.

Michael Kosta (69:05)

So did he cave? Did he not? The answer is absolutely, he did not cave.

Trevor Noah (69:09)

He did not cave. He made a tactical decision, a strategy decision to pick the ground, to fight on.

Michael Kosta (69:18)

To pick the ground, to fight on, to pick the ground. He owes this. I'm sorry, this is unbelievable. No matter what Trump does, he's always a mastermind who's accomplishing precisely what he wanted to do. Like, if Trump was boxing and he got knocked out cold like Jeanine Pirro would be like, brilliant. Another strategic consciousness pause by President Trump. You can't get knocked down if you stay on the ground. But look, if you ignore the stands over at Fox News, it's pretty clear this shutdown was a political disaster for President Trump. It hurt the economy, it destroyed his approval ratings, and worst of all, he's not getting his wall. And remember, Congress only has three weeks to reach an agreement on border security before the government runs out of money again. But the good news is, the good news is there probably won't be another shutdown. Because after seeing how bad this shutdown went, like, only a true moron would think of shutting down the government again. And no one, no one is that stupid. Right?

Trevor Noah (70:30)

We begin today with the president's acting chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney. Is the president really prepared to shut down the government again in three weeks?

Jason Jones (70:39)

Uh, yeah, I think. Yo, this is important, man. Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts. The ones you got me back in the day.

Trevor Noah (70:48)

I think they're pace breakers.

Michael Kosta (70:49)

The ones with all the pockets.

Jason Jones (70:50)

Well, I just got back from vacation.

Michael Kosta (70:52)

And I think I left them in my hotel room.

Jason Jones (70:55)

And, dude, I need to replace these shorts. I wear them, like, every day with that Lulu hoodie you got me. Could you send me the link to.

Trevor Noah (71:01)

Where you got them?

Jason Jones (71:01)

Thanks, bro. Talk soon.

Trevor Noah (71:03)

Looking for your newest go tos shop Lululemon's best sellers now@lululemon.com.

Michael Kosta (71:11)

I think he actually is my man. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.