TDS Time Machine | Josh at the Desk 2025

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: TDS Time Machine | Josh at the Desk 2025
Original Air Date: January 18, 2026
Host: Comedy Central News Team (Lead Comedian/Host)
Summary prepared for: Listeners seeking a thorough, humorous rundown without ad breaks or non-content

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Overview

This episode is a high-energy, satirical take on the political circus of early 2026, starring Jon Stewart and the Daily Show desk team. The main focus is on President Donald Trump’s attempts to distract the public from the ever-escalating Jeffrey Epstein controversy, alongside biting commentary on Trump’s handling of drug prices, tariffs, public health, political feuds, and social scandals. The episode blends sharp news analysis with irreverent comedy, weaving together current events, political spectacle, and signature Daily Show absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Trump’s Distraction Tactics: Health Updates and Recipe Changes

• Epstein as the Unshakable Story: The episode opens with Trump’s struggle to shift media focus away from renewed scrutiny over the Epstein files.
• Health Update Disclosure:
  • The White House admits Trump suffers from “chronic venous insufficiency” (swollen legs), which is atypical candor about his health.
  • Host’s quip: “They never admit that Trump has anything but impeccable health. Usually they bring out a doctor to be like, Donald Trump has big muscles and a girthy ass dick. Medically speaking, he makes Hercules look like a pig with cancer.” [02:10]
• Bruised Hands Controversy: News images spark public concern; the official explanation is “soft tissue irritation from handshaking and aspirin use.”
• Coke Recipe Announcements: Trump claims he made Coca-Cola switch to real cane sugar—a ploy the host skewers as a child’s bribe for distraction.
  • Host: “Trump's treating Americans like a kid you can bribe with a treat.” [04:08]

2. False Solutions and Political Theatrics

• Releasing Martin Luther King Jr. Files: As another misdirection, Trump declassifies MLK Jr. records—prompting immediate calls to release the Epstein files “instead.”
  • Quoting Bernice King: “Now do the Epstein files.” [05:28]
  • Host: “If Trump wants to distract us, all he has to do is keep his promises. If you ended the wars in Gaza and Ukraine, that would be extremely distracting.” [05:44]

3. Trump’s Outlandish Drug Price Promises

• Escalating Numbers: Trump pledges to cut drug prices by 1,000%, “600%, or 1,500%” (host: “Numbers that are not even thought to be achievable.” [07:35])
• Host Explains the Math:
  • “Lowering drug prices 100% means it's free. Lowering it past that means they're gonna give you money. Next year's Forbes billionaires list is just gonna be a bunch of dudes with leukemia.” [07:59]
• Host Laughs Off the Plan: Host equates Trump’s convoluted plan to “crackhead logic,” noting it’s even more complicated—and less feasible—than just capping prices. [09:50]

4. Foreign Policy as Economic Blackmail

• Coercive Trade Tactics:
  • Trump’s plan: Force other countries to raise THEIR drug costs, or else the U.S. will ban their cars.
  • Host’s ridicule: “The plan, just so I have it right, is to lower drug prices here by forcing Europe to raise drug prices over there, or they can't sell us their cars, reducing our choices as consumers and making cars in general more expensive for everybody.” [09:50]

5. The Epstein Files Escalate

• Congressional Pressure Increases:
  • White women in Congress (Nancy Mace, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert) turn on Trump, joining the clamor for transparency. Host jokes about the “Karen American community” rallying for answers. [14:03]
• Constituent Outrage: Some lawmakers say Epstein is the #1 issue raised by constituents—“500 to 1” over all other topics. [15:42]
• QAnon Turns on Trump:
  • Jacob Chansley (QAnon Shaman) denounces Trump as a fraud; even outlandish supporters are abandoning him.
  • Host’s analogy: “This would be like if Nelson Mandela came out of prison and was like, you know what? I’m done with black people.” [16:54]

6. Trump’s Heaven Talk and Mortality

• Sudden Humility: Trump talks repeatedly about wanting to get into heaven, suggesting an unusual degree of self-doubt.
  • Trump: “I want to try and get to heaven, if possible. I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.” [19:26]
  • Host: “You never want to see the guy who’s supposed to keep you healthy and safe talk about dying… can we get to Pittsburgh first?” [19:49]

7. Tariffs, Socialism, and Accounting Nonsense

• Trump’s Redistribution Proposal: Trump suggests $2,000 “rebate checks” for middle- and lower-income Americans, funded by tariffs.
  • Host: “Did Donald Trump just stupid himself into socialism?” [21:31]
  • Reality Check: Host and reporter point out the math doesn’t work; tariffs only raise $217B, but the checks would cost $300B—Trump is over-promising funds already pledged elsewhere (to farmers, troops, WIC, etc.).
    • “Money left over. The money that never existed is already spent and you're running around the country promising money you do not have to multiple people. Many times over. This is crackhead behavior.” [23:45]

8. The Republican Email Barrage

• Epstein Email Dump:
  • In a misguided show of transparency, Republicans release 20,000+ pages of Epstein-related documents.
  • Host: “This is like trying to hide pissing yourself by shitting yourself.” [24:50]
  • Most content is “weird bro shit” about women, including a claim (unsubstantiated) that Epstein “gave” his girlfriend to Trump in the 90s.

9. Media and Conservative Spin

• TV Allies Flail: Conservative pundits attempt dismissive spins, but end up sounding desperate or morally incoherent.
  • Megyn Kelly’s defense:
    • “There’s a difference between a 15 year old and a 5 year old… whatever, it's sick.” [28:57]
    • Host: “Your Honor, my client only engaged in diet pedophilia.” [29:15]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the White House’s candor:

  • “They never admit that Trump has anything but impeccable health. Usually they bring out a doctor to be like, Donald Trump has big muscles and a girthy ass dick.” — Host [02:10]

• On distraction tactics:

  • “Trump’s treating Americans like a kid you can bribe with a treat.” — Host [04:08]

• Bernice King’s viral post:

  • “Now do the Epstein files.” — Bernice King [05:28]

• On Trump’s math:

  • “Lowering drug prices 100% means it's free… next year's Forbes billionaires list is just gonna be a bunch of dudes with leukemia.” — Host [07:59]

• On the Republican document dump:

  • “This is like trying to hide pissing yourself by shitting yourself.” — Host [24:50]

• On QAnon and lost support:

  • “This would be like if Nelson Mandela came out of prison and was like, you know what? I’m done with black people.” — Host [16:54]

• On Megyn Kelly’s defense:

  • “Your Honor, my client only engaged in diet pedophilia.” — Host [29:15]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:24] Trump’s distraction struggles and health news
• [03:18] Hand bruises explanation
• [04:08] Coca-Cola “bribe” mocking
• [05:28] Bernice King: “Now do the Epstein files”
• [07:35–08:36] Trump’s drug price math ridiculed
• [09:07] Trump’s car/economics plan explained
• [11:11] Trump accuses Obama of treason
• [12:15] Obama unfazed, “ketchup” clip
• [13:53] Congressional revolt, Nancy Mace’s stance
• [15:42] Constituents: 500-to-1 phone calls about Epstein
• [16:32] QAnon Shaman denounces Trump
• [19:26] Trump’s heaven fixation
• [21:22] $2,000 rebate checks, host notes accidental socialism
• [22:40] Reporter debunks the math (tariff revenue shortfall)
• [24:40] GOP dumps 20,000 Epstein emails
• [28:57] Megyn Kelly’s controversial defense critiqued

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Tone and Style

• The episode blends hard-hitting political critique with relentless satire, riffing on everything from Trump’s policy math to his personal health narratives.
• The host deploys vivid analogies (“crackhead logic,” “diet pedophilia”) and pop culture references for comedic impact while outlining real policy failures and absurdities.
• Crucially, the team never loses sight of the larger context: the persistence of the Epstein files scandal and the inability of media handlers and politicians to control the public narrative.

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This summary reflects the energetic, incisive, and often outrageous tone of the show, capturing both substance and style for anyone who missed the episode.

Transcript

[Podcast Sponsor/Announcer]

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[Sports Announcer]

The final chapter of the College Football Playoff.

[Comedian/Host]

It comes down to this.

[Sports Announcer]

Miami's unmatched grit and tenacity through the postseason has led them home the national title. Now within reach, they are confident they are battle tested. Undefeated Indiana, led by Chris Signetti and Heisman winner Fernando Mendoza, have the chance to take home their first title and claim college football immortality.

[Comedian/Host]

The most remarkable turnaround in the history of college football.

[Sports Announcer]

The Football Playoff national championship. Presented by AT&T. Monday at 7:30pm Eastern on ESPN and the ESPN app. You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Comedian/Host]

The the problem with this distraction is that it's so old. Jeffrey Epstein wouldn't date it. All right, Trump has been going after Obama for decades. He's gonna need something else. Something juicy.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

The White House offering an unexpected health update on President Trump, revealing that he recently underwent a battery of tests and has now been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency. Doctors tell us it means there isn't adequate blood flow to the veins in.

[Comedian/Host]

The legs, which can cause swelling. Oh, no, look at that ankle. When I said something juicy, I didn't mean a shoe should not give you a muffin top. And I cannot stress how big of a deal this is because they never admit that Trump has anything but impeccable health. Usually they bring out a doctor to be like, donald Trump has big muscles and a girthy ass dick. Medically speaking, he makes Hercules look like a pig with cancer. Like, I'm not exaggerating. His doctors once said that his blood pressure was astonishingly excellent. That's not even how blood pressure works. Blood pressure is numbers. If you want to impress us, say 120 over 80. They made it sound like Trump could control his blood pressure like the settings on a fancy hose. His blood pressure is on, miss, but he can turn it up to cone or jet if he so chooses. But I get why they put this out. One, it's a good distraction. And two, people have been starting to notice that Trump looks, medically speaking, like shit.

[Sports Announcer]

After these Images of President Trump started to draw attention. Apparent bruises on his hands, covered with makeup, seen in February and this week. The White House physician says it's consistent with minor soft tissue irritation from frequent handshaking and the use of aspirin.

[Comedian/Host]

Well, problem solved. No one's gonna shake hands that look like that. Even that hand right there, you could tell that the thumb is like, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

[Comedian/Host]

But okay. Trump violating his own HIPAA rights didn't get people to move on from Epstein, so now he's getting snacks involved.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

President Trump says he's convinced Coca Cola to change its recipe. The President claims that the company has agreed to start using real cane sugar in Coke products.

[Comedian/Host]

This is so insulting. Trump's treating Americans like a kid you can bribe with a treat. Allow me to demonstrate what Donald Trump is going for here. Mmm. I don't care about pedophilia anymore. Delicious. And if all that doesn't work for you, if you don't care about Coke or Trump's health, don't worry. He's got some true crime for you. This morning, the Trump administration releasing more.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

Than 230,000 pages of records related to.

[Comedian/Host]

The assassination of civil rights icon Martin Luther King Jr. That's how bad things are for Trump. His back is against the wall so hard, he's releasing more black history. But this might be the worst distraction, because all he did was remind us that he can declassify thousands of secret files. And people noticed.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

Bernice King, the daughter of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Posted this picture on social media with the caption that simply reads, now do the Epstein files.

[Comedian/Host]

Damn, that is cold. Do you know how much you have to screw up for Dr. King's family to go? No, no, we choose Viol. If Trump wants to distract us, all he has to do is keep his promises. If you ended the wars in Gaza and Ukraine, that would be extremely distracting. If you put up affordable housing, Americans would be like, what Epstein files. What Epstein files? I'm too distracted memorizing my new home address. If you want to think of it in terms you can understand, think of it like a bribe. Mr. President, you're the deal, guy. Make us a deal. We want to know what's in the Epstein files. But if you put some universal healthcare in your palm and hand it over. Epstein. Who? I ain't seen nothing.

[TJ Watt (Athlete)]

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[Comedian/Host]

Let's kick things off with drug prices. They're too damn high. They're so expensive that rappers are balling out on a full prescription. Okay, singles are dropping. Like I gotta drop top bins. And a month supply Alexa Pro now. President Trump made big promises about lowering drug prices once he got into office. But all the haters said he was never actually gonna get it done. Well, guess what, haters? His promises just got even bigger.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

We're gonna get the drug prices down. Not 30 or 40%, which would be great. Not 40, 50 or 60. No, we're going to get them down 1,000%, 600%, 500%, 1,500%. Numbers that are not even thought to be achievable.

[Comedian/Host]

Yeah, I also thought it would not be achievable to lower drug prices 1,000%, because that's not how percentages work. Just, just so you understand, lowering drug prices 100% means it's free. Lowering it past that means they're gonna give you money. Like next year's Forbes billionaires list is just gonna be a bunch of dudes with leukemia.

[Podcast Sponsor/Announcer]

Okay.

[Comedian/Host]

On the bright side, on the bright side, actually gonna be bankrupting insurance companies instead of the other way around. You know, if, if Trump, if Trump hadn't acted this sooner, that CEO would have shot Luigi. But look, But look, Trump actually does have a plan here. It's not to put a cap on the drug prices. That'd be too easy and simple.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

And we're working very hard right now to get the other countries to lift up their prices a little bit and to get the drug companies to put it to them. And if they don't, the drug companies will have a lot of problems and they are mostly agreed to it. And if the countries don't, then as an example, if it's Europe, I'll say that's okay. You're no longer allowed to sell cars in America. You're no longer allowed to have Mercedes, BMW, Volkswagen, or any of the other many cars. And they will say, oh, I love the idea of lower drug prices for America.

[Comedian/Host]

So the plan, just so I have it right, is to lower drug prices here by forcing Europe to raise drug prices over there, or they can't sell us their cars, reducing our choices as consumers and making cars in general more expensive for everybody. And I know it's very confusing, but I've seen this before. This is crackhead logic, all right? A crackhead can never go from A to B. All right? When I was a kid, I'd see a dude who needed $15, but instead of asking for money, he would try to sell you a tire, which. Which of course, he didn't have, but he did have a bike chain. And if you would buy that bike chain from him for $12, he would put that towards the tire and then one day, eventually buy crack. And my point is, that's a better drug plan than what Donald Trump is doing. Once again, Donald Trump can't shake the Jeffrey Epstein news. He's gonna lower drug prices 2 billion percent. And the media still won't let it go. But old buddy Donnie's got another car to play.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

President Trump again tried to divert attention from the Epstein files, this time by accusing former President Barack Obama of treason.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

Obama cheated on the election, and we have it cold, hard, blue, and it's getting even more so.

[Comedian/Host]

I'm sorry, you can't just say cold, hard, and blue like that's OK. Normal phrase about an investigation. There's been 400 seasons of law and Order and no detective has ever said, we got you cold, hard and blue. Dun dun. But yeah, Trump is now going after Obama again. And this time he's got calls he Gabbard, saying she's got documents that prove Obama tampered with the 2016 election, which is treason. But if you see what Obama was doing over the weekend, he doesn't seem too stressed.

[Sports Announcer]

In my opinion, and this is controversial in my family.

[Comedian/Host]

You should not eat ketchup after the age of eight. Does this. Does this man seem worried? You know he's doing a podcast about ketchup. How is it that Barack Obama, the man Trump hates the most, is the most unbothered during two Trump presidencies? Like, I don't know what is pissing Trump off more, the fact that no one is letting go of the Epstein files or that Obama refuses to be the adversary Trump wants him to be? This would be like if you took the movie Lion King and right after Scarr took over, Pride Rock Simba sang Hakuna Matata for the last 43 minutes of the film. Also, what an insane take. You're not allowed to have ketchup after the age of Eight. Wait, eight? Eight. Eight years old is too young for rules like that. Like, at 8, I'm still wetting the bed, but now, now I have to be an aioli man. Trump has lost total control of the situation. Even his allies in Congress are turning on him. In an effort to gain clarity, three Republicans joined Democrats on the House Oversight Committee to subpoena the Justice Department to give Congress all of the Epstein files.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

This fight's coming.

[Sports Announcer]

No matter.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

I mean, this is here. You know, I'm ready to take this vote. I think we should take this vote and move forward, move this country forward. And people deserve transparency.

[Comedian/Host]

Nancy Mace. Damn. Trump is even losing the white women, which is great because it means we're getting the white women and we're getting those files. All right, this feels like when you're at the airport and Southwest has delayed you for 23 hours, you're standing in line at customer service and there's a white woman in line in front of you bubbling harder than Prosecco. She's even doing the like. And then she turns to you and says, I'm gonna say something. And you're like, yes, yes, yes, white lady. Go up there and get that manager for all of us. And it's not just Nancy Mace. This is an issue across the entire Karen American community.

[Podcast Sponsor/Announcer]

All right?

[Comedian/Host]

Marjorie Taylor Greene wants the files. Lauren Boebert wants a special counsel. She's like, I came to Washington to expose pedophiles and jack people off. And I'm fresh out of people to jack off. Now. Now, it may be surprising that some of the most die hard congressmen are going against Trump on this, but you have to remember that they ultimately just want to be reelected. And right now, their voters are absolutely losing it over this Epstein thing. How much are your constituents clamoring for more information about Epstein right now? It's the number one phone call that.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

We get by far.

[Comedian/Host]

It's probably 500 to 1. 501?

[Podcast Sponsor/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Comedian/Host]

It's number one phone calls that we get. I'm sorry, 500 to 1. I wanna know about the Epstein files. But that is wild. That means people are calling in 500 times about Jeffrey Epstein for every one caller who's just like, hey, my tap water poison. And I could understand it if everything else in your state is going fine, but this congressman's from Missouri.

[Podcast Sponsor/Announcer]

Okay?

[Comedian/Host]

They have real problems, but they're using all their Boost mobile minutes on this thing. I'll talk to my kids next month. This Epstein thing is too important. And worst of all, for Trump, it's not just his allies in Congress or conservative Americans. He's pissed off his most important base of support, crazy ass lunatics.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

Jacob Chansley, the QAnon Shaman who became famous for his horned outfit during the January 6 Capitol riot, is lashing out at the man who gave him a pardon. Chansley called the president a fraud.

[Comedian/Host]

Like, wow, do you know how down bad you are when the guys who went to prison for you are turning on you? Like, I need to stress this real quick. He went to jail for Trump. This would be like if Nelson Mandela came out of prison. Like, you know what? I'm done with black people. Hey, these guys believe in everything but you. Take a look.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

He also suggested that the President had defiled a corpse. Billionaire Elon Musk wasn't spared either, with Chansley describing the world's richest man as a baby eater.

[Comedian/Host]

This. This is so, so bad. That's the thing about QAnon. Like, if Kendrick Lamar wanted to ruin your life, at least he'd do a bunch of research on you and your family. QAnon just comes out and says you're eating spines, and there's no way for you to prove you don't eat spines. In fact, every time you've got something between your te. See? See, he flossing babies. Yesterday, Trump was in the Oval Office to announce the construction of a big road in Alaska. Congrats, Alaska. You finally got a road. And if we know one thing about Trump, it's that he likes to keep his press conferences focused and on topic. So let's hear what he has to say about this cool road.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

I want to be good because you want to prove to God that you're good, so you go to that next step, right? So that's very important to me.

[Comedian/Host]

Trump, are you sick? I mean, aside from all the visible signs that your body is falling apart. Are you sick or something? Like, we should take a second here, cuz this is the first time I've seen Trump be humble about anything. Like, normally he'd be like, heaven's begging me to come. I'm only staying alive to play hard to get. Jesus came up to me with tears in his eyes and he said, please, sir, come fix heaven. It's a total dump. It's like he just realized he only has immunity here on earth. And this isn't a one off. Trump's been talking about this heaven thing a lot lately.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

If you're not a believer and you believe, you go nowhere. What's the reason to be good? There has to be some kind of A report card up there someplace, you know, like, let's go to heaven. Let's get into heaven. I want to try and get to heaven, if possible. I'm hearing I'm not doing well. I'm really at the bottom of the totem pole.

[Comedian/Host]

Oh. Oh, man. This is such a bleak and completely accurate view of his chances in heaven. I will say, though, you never want to see the guy who's supposed to keep you healthy and safe talk about dying. Like, he's supposed to be leading you. You never want to hear a pilot over the system be like, oh, I just can't wait to get into heaven. Like, can we get to Pittsburgh first? And look, I don't know, man. Heaven is tough to get into. Like, I don't want to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, but you might want to think about trying to get into, like, a safety heaven, like whatever SUNY Albany of heaven is up there. You know what I mean? Like, apply there, you know? Cause the truth is, there's probably a good reason for Trump to worry about getting into heaven, you know? Is it? Yep, yep, yep. That too. I mean, that. That wasn't even the first thing I thought of. Crazy how many things there are. President Trump now says he wants to see send out $2,000 rebate checks paid for by his tariffs.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

One of the things we're going to do, we're going to issue a dividend to our middle income people and lower income people about $2,000.

[Comedian/Host]

Wait a second. Okay, Trump's making everybody pay tariffs, but only poor people are getting the $2,000 checks. So he's just redistributing taxes from rich people to poor people. Did. Did Donald Trump just stupid himself into socialism? I mean, I mean, you're doing a great job, Mr. President. We always believed. Everybody shut up. All right? Don't say a word. Let this play out, and we'll have free health care by Christmas, all right? Nobody, nobody, nobody Call him Mango. Mom. Donnie. All right, Great idea, Mr. President. Very capitalism. But hey, you know what? $2,000 would help a lot of people. If the money's there, the money's there.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

If the president sent $2,000 checks to the 150 million people who make less than $100,000, it would cost $300 billion. Even though the tariffs are only projected to raise about 217annually, the money's not there.

[Comedian/Host]

And now I'm starting to get worried because that's $83 billion short. And I'm not saying Trump is the worst president of all time. I'm just saying I've never met anyone who was $83 billion short. And by the way, he's only $83 billion short if he hasn't promised the tariff money to anybody else.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

We're gonna take some of that tariff money that we made. We're gonna give it to our farmers. The big thing we wanna do is pay down debt.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

The president tapped into tariff revenue to.

[Comedian/Host]

Keep WIC money for women and Infants.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

And children going out the door.

[Comedian/Host]

Tariffs is one of the reasons why we have the money in the treasury to actually be able to pay our troops.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

I think the tariffs will be enough to cut all of the income tax.

[Comedian/Host]

Donald Trump's suggesting the tariffs could fund the country's childcare needs.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

That'll easily pay for the golden dome. And we'll have a lot of money left over.

[Comedian/Host]

Money left over. The money that never existed is already spent and you're running around the country promising money you do not have to multiple people. Many times over. Every week I'm at this desk I say this, and I guess I'll have to say this for three more years, but this is crackhead behavior. New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery. Yesterday, the Epstein story exploded back into the national conversation when House Democrats released three emails that Jeffrey Epstein wrote about his bff Donald Trump. But Donald Trump has the entirety of the GOP behind him. And you know, these world class strategists have a plan for getting this story off the front page.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

As part of the Republican response to the selective and limited release of emails by the Democrats, Republicans stepped up and put out 20,000 pages of Jeffrey Epstein related documents.

[Comedian/Host]

Oh, no. This is the downside of your people really having your back because. Because they were basically like, he got nothing to hide. Here's 20,000 more emails. Don't you people know anything about a coverup? This is like trying to hide pissing yourself by shitting yourself.

[Donald Trump (quoted)]

O.

[Comedian/Host]

Trump's people spent a year saying there are no Epstein files. Now there's 20,000 pages and those still aren't the files. What happened? There's now more pages of Trump Epstein lore than Batman and Superman crossover. And look, these 20,000 pages weren't all about crimes. A lot of it was just weird bro shit about women that they dated.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

Epstein says in these emails that he could produce photos of Donald and girls in bikinis in my kitchen. Epstein claims that he and Trump had dated the same woman back in the 1990s, saying, My 20 year old girlfriend in 1993 that after two years I gave to Donald.

[Comedian/Host]

Man, I'm glad Hillary killed that guy. Because I can't imagine a worse way to break up with someone than setting them up with Donald Trump. If someone broke up with me and they were like, I don't deserve you, but you know who does? And then Donald Trump walked in, I'd be like, damn, I didn't know you hated me. And by the way, just as a side note, the woman people say Epstein might be referring to is a Norwegian cosmetics heiress whose name, and I am not making this up, is Selena Middelfart. And if you're watching this from Norway and you're like, it's Midelfart, That is basically what I just said. Now, she has denied that she ever dated either of them, which I get. But more importantly, how is Selena Middle Fart a real name? It sounds like a bad spy name. Like if you broke, if you were a spy and you broke into a super secret security office and right after you grab the disc or whatever, you turn the corner and then there's someone looking at you and they say, who are you? And you haven't thought that far and you almost say Selena Gomez, but you know that's not gonna work. So you're like, selena, Selena. And you get nervous when you're, you know, trying to come up with a name and it makes you fart in the middle of your sentence. So you're like, selena Middle Fart. And then that guy is just like, oh, okay, do you know where the bathroom is? So the GOP didn't do Trump any favors by releasing these emails. They basically saw his grease fire and said, let us add some water. And his supporters on TV aren't doing that much better.

[Sports Announcer]

This is obviously an attempt to smear.

[Comedian/Host]

The President by cherry picking.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

This is just all for show, a distraction, just ridiculous.

[Comedian/Host]

The Carnival show, it's journalistically malpractice. Why weren't they as concerned about Bill Clinton? They love to create drama.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

This whole Epstein files thing, a little bit played out.

[Comedian/Host]

Played out. You know, shit's bad. When the sensationalist media is like, you guys don't want to hear about the international island sex scandal. Let's talk about budgetary cuts. Let's get nasty. Come on, guys, that's not gonna work. If you wanna downplay this story, you need a master. All right, Megyn, Kelly, you're a master of spin. Show us what you got.

[Political Commentator/Reporter]

As for Epstein, he wasn't into like 8 year olds, but he liked the very young teen types. There's a difference between a 15 year old and a 5 year old. You know, it's just. Whatever. It's sick.

[Comedian/Host]

How the hell was Megyn Kelly ever an attorney? Your Honor, my client only engaged in diet pedophilia. Ma', am, everyone knows there is a big difference between a 15 year old and a 5 year old. But everyone also knows there is never good reason to be talking about that difference. Explore more shows from the Daily Show.

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Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show.

[Comedian/Host]

Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus.

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This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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