TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – Episode Summary: "TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman"

Release Date: May 19, 2025
Hosted by: Jon Stewart and The Daily Show News Team
Resident Expert: John Hodgman

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1. Global Warming and Its Humorous Implications

Timestamp: [01:06] – [05:30]

Jon Stewart opens the episode by addressing the pressing issue of global warming, introducing John Hodgman as the resident expert to shed light on the topic with his characteristic wit and satire.

Key Discussions:

• Glacial Melt in Greenland: Hodgman highlights alarming reports indicating that Greenland's glaciers have been melting at twice the previous rate over the past five years. He presents a satirical map showing dramatic changes in Arctic glacial masses, predicting a sea-level rise of up to a meter within three generations.

• Unfrozen Cavemen Scenario: In a humorous twist, Hodgman suggests that as glaciers retreat, approximately 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers may thaw and wander around. "If they find a leader, a Captain Caveman, we will be facing an even more serious problem," he jokes ([02:30]).

• Government Inaction and Mothra Threats: Moving the conversation towards government response, Hodgman criticizes the administration's reliance on "American ingenuity" over regulation. He humorously downplays the butterfly effect theory, replacing it with a fictional "gigantic butterfly" akin to Mothra, assuring listeners that the Mothra problem is under control ([03:27]).

• Frozen Children as Climate Saviors: Hodgman mockingly describes how the administration has isolated two young children, believed to be future climate saviors, on a raft with science books and no television. "My money's on the kid with the bigger head. Between you and me, I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food," he quips ([05:05]).

Notable Quotes:

• Hodgman: "The consensus position among most scientists is it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes." ([01:38])
• Jon Stewart: "A small thing like that, it's like a butterfly effect, if you will." ([03:27])

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2. The Concept and Satire of Executive Privilege

Timestamp: [05:30] – [10:00]

The conversation transitions to the topic of executive privilege, with Hodgman providing a humorous yet insightful take on its implications and historical context.

Key Discussions:

• Definition and Historical Usage: Hodgman defines executive privilege in a satirical manner, equating it to "a special right of privacy asserted by presidents when they don't want you to hear about something bad they did." He references historical figures like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, blending factual history with comedic fabrications.

• Richard Nixon and Modern Implications: Touching on Richard Nixon, Hodgman humorously claims Nixon owned one of the first cell phones and draws parallels between Nixon's secretive practices and the current administration's use of executive privilege. "It's like walking in on your parents while they were having sex with one of your teachers. Scarring," he remarks ([07:54]).

• Interactive Banter: The segment devolves into playful banter where Hodgman pretends to replay a taped conversation, leading to an exaggerated and absurd exchange with Stewart about strangling audience members and making offensive remarks. This showcases the show's typical blend of satire and edgy humor ([09:22] – [10:04]).

Notable Quotes:

• Hodgman: "Executive privilege is similar to claiming the fifth, or in medieval times tagging a priest and yelling sanctuary." ([06:05])
• Stewart: "But presidents don't just invoke it to cover up something bad." ([06:10])

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3. The Rise and Satire of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA)

Timestamp: [11:12] – [16:24]

In this segment, Hodgman delves into the booming popularity of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), infusing his analysis with humor and absurd comparisons.

Key Discussions:

• Origins and Evolution of MMA: Hodgman traces MMA's roots, humorously noting his fictitious training in various martial arts, including the "Danish martial art of Havarte." "Havarte is a mild cheese, right?" Stewart interjects, to which Hodgman replies, "Yes, but on the right cracker, it can be deadly," playing on the double meaning of "Havarte" ([11:34] – [12:10]).

• Octagon Symbolism: Discussing the sport's iconic octagonal cages, Hodgman satirizes the design choice by suggesting it mirrors the shape of a cellphone camera, which he equates to a metaphor for America. "A level playing field shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass," he claims ([15:54] – [16:16]).

• Artistry and Violence: The dialogue juxtaposes the artistry of martial arts with their inherent violence. Hodgman sarcastically praises the "authentic brand of homoeroticism" in MMA, while acknowledging the sport's brutal nature ([14:04] – [15:18]).

Notable Quotes:

• Hodgman: "A well-rounded fighter will combine many styles, or he can choose from a menu of up to 12 combat combos." ([12:28])
• Stewart: "But that's a good question. That's my point. You just end up with a crappy phone and a crappy camera." ([15:04])

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4. Economic Recession: A Satirical Analysis

Timestamp: [16:24] – [23:10]

Hodgman shifts focus to the economy, providing a comedic yet thought-provoking perspective on recession indicators and potential solutions.

Key Discussions:

• Defining a Recession: Hodgman humorously critiques traditional economic definitions, presenting an antique stock ticker with a canary inside as his preferred method for determining a recession. "As long as this bird is alive, the economy is doing just fine," he explains ([17:02] – [17:30]).

• Time Travel for Economic Forecasting: In a satirical twist, Hodgman introduces a fictional time-travel device to predict economic outcomes, only to return with a humorous update about a "great plague of the end of this March 2008," blending real economic events with absurd storytelling ([17:47] – [19:38]).

• Innovative Currency Solutions: Proposing the "Sully Buck" as a new currency, Hodgman mocks economic policies by linking currency value to strangling Canadian geese, thereby "stimulating" the goosebacking industry. His suggestions become increasingly fantastical, culminating in an "Emergency Christmas" stimulus plan that parodies real-world economic stimulus measures ([21:38] – [24:04]).

Notable Quotes:

• Hodgman: "Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now?" ([17:01])
• Stewart: "So this means we're in a recession." ([17:45])
• Hodgman: "Cocaine makes people feel very confident." ([23:33])

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5. Health Care Reform: A Darkly Satirical Approach

Timestamp: [25:30] – [30:20]

Addressing the critical issue of health care reform, Hodgman employs dark humor to critique systemic problems and propose outrageous solutions.

Key Discussions:

• Uninsured Population: Hodgman points out the staggering number of uninsured Americans, sarcastically noting that "none of those people are in Congress," thus highlighting the disconnect between policymakers and the populace ([26:15]).

• Organ Trade as Health Care Solution: In a grotesque satire, Hodgman suggests allowing people to sell their organs for financial incentives, proposing that kidneys could be traded for luxuries like flat-screen TVs or even used to pay off mortgages. "What prescription? 2. A healthy dose of prevention now?" he jokes, blending absurdity with critical commentary on health care accessibility ([27:06] – [28:44]).

• Ethical Implications: The segment culminates in a fictional proposal where impoverished individuals become "free range," turning their organs into commodities for the rich. Stewart responds with disgust, underscoring the moral bankruptcy of Hodgman's suggestions ([29:54] – [30:15]).

Notable Quotes:

• Hodgman: "Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest." ([28:46])
• Stewart: "You just killed a hobo is what you did. That is monstrous." ([29:49])

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6. Addressing Scandals in the Catholic Church

Timestamp: [30:20] – [34:50]

In this segment, Hodgman tackles the sensitive issue of scandals within the Catholic Church, offering darkly humorous and outlandish solutions.

Key Discussions:

• Preventative Measures: Hodgman suggests impractical changes to church practices to prevent misconduct, such as adding button flies to priestly garments and replacing altar boys with chimpanzees. "Chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA, but crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests," he quips ([31:21] – [32:00]).

• Reducing Sensuality in Churches: Proposing the removal of seductive elements from church services, Hodgman humorously recommends substituting incense with Febreze and replacing communion wine with gallons of whole milk to "kill the mood." "Let’s make it the sonic opposite of seduction," he asserts, blending satire with critique of the church's environment ([32:31] – [33:25]).

• Accountability Through Security: In an exaggerated proposal for accountability, Hodgman advocates for reinforced confessional rooms with bulletproof glass and armed guards, effectively turning confessionals into maximum security prisons. "We can increase transparency in the church with 5-inch thick bulletproof glass," he states ([35:03] – [35:54]).

Notable Quotes:

• Hodgman: "Chimps can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off." ([31:40])
• Stewart: "All right, These are mostly cosmetic changes from what I can tell, and some obviously more likely than others. This is a systemic problem." ([32:31])

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Conclusion

Throughout the episode, John Hodgman serves as a satirical lens through which serious societal issues are examined with humor and absurdity. From global warming and economic recessions to health care reform and church scandals, Hodgman's exaggerated proposals and witty banter with Jon Stewart provide both entertainment and critical commentary. The episode skillfully balances humor with underlying messages, making complex topics accessible and engaging for listeners.

Notable Final Exchange:

• Hodgman: "Finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. It's what's in here and also what's in there, John." ([29:57])
• Stewart: "You disgust me, John. I don't have arm organs. I don't know what that was." ([30:20])

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Podcast Availability:
Watch The Daily Show weeknights on Comedy Central at 11/10c or stream it on Paramount+.

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This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, humorous exchanges, and notable quotes to provide a comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened.

Transcript

[John Stewart]

You're listening to an I Heart podcast.

[Dennis Black]

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[John Stewart]

You're listening to Comedy Central. We're going to shift gears just a little bit and talk about another pressing issue that's been in the news. Global warming. There have been some recent disturbing reports on that front coming from the Arctic Circle. With more, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Appreciate it. What is the general picture today concerning global warming?

[John Hodgman]

Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.

[John Stewart]

Right, but why specifically do the scientists think that?

[John Hodgman]

Specifically? Well, new findings reveal that in the past five years, the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now, this map shows the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat, within only three generations, the seas could rise as much as a meter. Changing the map drop dramatically.

[John Stewart]

When you say dramatically, you were talking about the change of the water level or.

[John Hodgman]

No, that explosion between the two of them.

[John Stewart]

The maps.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah. Very dramatic.

[John Stewart]

That was a dramatic change.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[John Stewart]

The arrows on that chart, is that wildlife, migrating?

[John Hodgman]

No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place. We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, that's not a problem. But if they find a leader, a Captain Caveman, if you will, we will be facing an even more serious problem.

[John Stewart]

So the problems that you foresee with global warming are rising sea levels.

[John Hodgman]

Yes.

[John Stewart]

And organized flesh eating cavemen.

[John Hodgman]

Potentially organized, yes. And all because you, who didn't buy a hybrid car this year.

[John Stewart]

Wow. Incredible. A small thing like that, it's like a butterfly effect, if you will.

[John Hodgman]

I'm sorry, a what?

[John Stewart]

A butterfly. The butterfly effect. The saying a butterfly flaps its wing in China and causes a hurricane, say in Peru.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that. Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of Mothra type creature, but that's a very different problem. And I want to assure you people that the Mothra problem is something we have completely under control.

[John Stewart]

John, why isn't the government, our government, doing more to fight this global warming?

[John Hodgman]

Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation they're most concerned about, Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale, they'll all be just fine. Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim up bar for Long island and New Jersey, but basically that's what it is now anyway.

[John Stewart]

Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive less or reduce emissions or really anything?

[John Hodgman]

Well, the President's position is the answer isn't regulation, but American ingenuity.

[John Stewart]

So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it?

[John Hodgman]

No, no, no. This administration is very proactive. Using genetic testing, they've already isolated two young children whom they think have the best chance of solving the global warming crisis, most likely through some kind of warming machine, an aerosol spray of some kind or a gel. Anyway, to keep them safe, they've been placed in a raft on stilts, given some science books, but no television. And they can't get off until one of them cracks this nut.

[John Stewart]

Which child do you think will do it?

[John Hodgman]

Oh, my money's on the kid with the bigger head. Between you and me, I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food.

[John Stewart]

John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back after this. For more on this concept, we turn to resident expert John Hodgman. John, of course. Thank you very much for joining us.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, not at all, John. It's my privilege to be here. My executive privilege. I still got it.

[John Stewart]

John, What a. What is executive privilege?

[John Hodgman]

Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by presidents when they don't want you to hear about something bad they did.

[John Stewart]

It's. It's as simple as that.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, yes. It's similar to claiming the fifth, or in medieval times tagging a priest and yelling sanctuary. At that point, the priest, was it?

[John Stewart]

But presidents don't just invoke it to cover up something bad.

[John Hodgman]

Well, think about it. How often will a president say, oh my God, these memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office? Destroy them. No. Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.

[John Stewart]

Are you suggesting there was a president who raced dogs for money in the White House bowling alley?

[John Hodgman]

No, I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive. Instead, I'm showing you this photo. Do you know what makes bowling alley dog racing so exciting? Is that their paws don't get any traction on the wax.

[John Stewart]

You know, the White House bowling alley only has one lane.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, that's what's wrong with that photo. You're right. Good eye.

[John Stewart]

My point is this, John. Is this practice legal?

[John Hodgman]

Well, it's not really clear. The words executive privilege never appear in the Constitution. Still, presidents have been asserting it since the birth of our nation in 1522, 1776. Yeah, and Pluto's a planet. It goes all the way back to our so called first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy. So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr. James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing the assassin's bullet that was lodged in his innards for four months. Funny story about Garfield. In the end, he died of sepsis. Too soon. What?

[John Stewart]

John, by the 70s, though, there was also Richard Nixon.

[John Hodgman]

Interesting. Go on.

[John Stewart]

Well, no, I mean, Richard Nixon was famously claiming executive privilege, Watergate and so much with the secrecy. Although, ironically, rigging his office with microphones and tape recording every word. I mean, ipso facto, actually literally causing his own downfall.

[John Hodgman]

Fascinating. Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the first cell phones in the United States? Really? No. And we're back. Now, the reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth you just don't want to know. It would be like walking in on your parents while they were having sex with one of your teachers. Scarring.

[John Stewart]

But obviously this president is claiming executive privilege because that's the only way he says he can get unfettered advice.

[John Hodgman]

Well, there's something to that. I mean, here we are with all these people. We're not interacting in the same way we would be in private.

[John Stewart]

Well, you know, John, I don't necessarily know about that. I think.

[John Hodgman]

So you wouldn't mind if I played back our conversation that I taped earlier in your office? This Afternoon.

[John Stewart]

What conversation might that.

[John Hodgman]

I think you know the one, Chuck. Can we roll it, please?

[John Stewart]

I'll tell you, these mother suckers make me laugh. Monkey suckers.

[John Hodgman]

Perhaps you should pick one out of the audience and strangle him.

[John Stewart]

I think that's legal.

[John Hodgman]

Pick one from the standby line, fool. Miss them. And remember, no more striped ties. Red tie tonight. Red, the color of blood.

[John Stewart]

Jews, homosexuals.

[John Hodgman]

I do stand by my advice though, John. The tie looks great.

[John Stewart]

John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back.

[Dennis Black]

Discover the life changing benefits of Meow Greens for your cat. Ever see your cat slowing down or having health issues and wonder what can I do to make them better? Well, my friend, add Meow greens to your cat's food for 90 days and I guarantee you'll see changes that will amaze you. Greetings. I'm naturopathic doctor Dennis Black, inventor of Meow greens, and I invite you to take the Meow Greens 90 day challenge. In the first 30 days, you'll see shinier coats and increased energy. By day 60, your cat will have a stronger immune system, less shedding, improved joint function, all due to the live nutrients that you've added to their diet. And at 90 days, they're going to have better digestion, reduce inflammation, improve heart health, and you may even have reduced their cancer risk. Fetch a free Jumpstart trial bag for your cat today. Go to trymealgreens.com use promo code try Meow. That's Try Meow. You discover the shipping. You don't have to change your cat's food to improve your cat's health. Just add a packet of Meow greens.

[John Stewart]

America's hottest new pastime is something called mixed martial arts or mma. A few weeks ago, ultimate fighting, the sport's premier tournament, graced the COVID of Sports Illustrated. Its weekly ratings now eclipsing those of NBA and baseball playoffs amongst young men. For more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thanks for being here.

[John Hodgman]

Good evening. Glad to be here.

[John Stewart]

Thank you for joining us on this topic. I was somewhat surprised to learn that you're an expert in this field.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, absolutely. I'm trained in all of the martial arts and the martial crafts from Jiu jitsu to Brazilian capoeira to the Israeli Krav Maga to the Danish martial art of Havarte.

[John Stewart]

Havarte is a mild cheese, right?

[John Hodgman]

Yes, but on the right cracker, it can be deadly.

[John Stewart]

John, it seems like mixed martial arts is really sort of exploding and coming into its own. How did all this get Started well.

[John Hodgman]

John, you might be surprised to learn that fighting has actually been around for a while in all of its various separate forms. Boxing, wrestling, passive aggression.

[John Stewart]

Passive aggression is considered its own sport.

[John Hodgman]

You don't really want to know. But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many different fighting techniques. A well rounded fighter will combine many styles, or he can choose from a menu of up to 12 combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo. Plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the neck and unlimited fountain soda. I don't recall that actually meaning combat combos, John. The important thing is two men enter the ring, but only one man. Well, both men leave the ring, but only one of them does so having won the fight. But I say ring, of course, because it's actually a cage. A cage that is shaped as an octagon.

[John Stewart]

Now, I read about that. Why is it that the cages and the octagonal form.

[John Hodgman]

Well, that's a good question. What do you think?

[John Stewart]

I don't really know. You were the expert, so I thought that.

[John Hodgman]

Think it through, John. If you wanted people to fight in an eight sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of shape be an octagon? I'm not, I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you ask a question like.

[John Stewart]

That, let's let the octagon go. Let's just let it go. Why is this sport so popular all of a sudden?

[John Hodgman]

Well, first of all, this is not stage, it's not professional wrestling or soccer. These are real men really going at it on the floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older sports for ultimate fighting's more authentic brand of homoeroticism. Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it is fighting. That's very graceful.

[John Stewart]

I watch these. I'm not here to say that violent sports are bad.

[John Hodgman]

Good. Cause if you did, I'd have to. Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy, Copernicus. Don't you. Don't you get started, Keppler. I'm sorry these guys, but I know.

[John Stewart]

They'Re gentlemen and scholars. Boxing, wrestling, karate are compelling because they have strict rules, traditions. Combining all that loses the form and the artistry. Why combine them?

[John Hodgman]

Well, why combine a cell phone with a camera?

[John Stewart]

But that's a good question. That's my point. You just end up with a crappy phone and a crappy camera.

[John Hodgman]

Okay, you win this round, but let me say this. It then fits in your Pocket, John. And isn't that the promise of America's melting pot?

[John Stewart]

You're suggesting mixed martial arts is a metaphor for America.

[John Hodgman]

Whoa, whoa, easy. It's my training kicking.

[John Stewart]

You would have thought that we would have choreographed that. And yet. And yet.

[John Hodgman]

No, I'm not. I'm not. No, John, I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in turn represents America. What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level playing field shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass?

[John Stewart]

John, I don't.

[John Hodgman]

So to the cage then?

[John Stewart]

No, sir. No, to the ca. We'll be right back. Thank you. John Hodgman, everybody.

[Dennis Black]

We'll be right back.

[John Stewart]

For more, we're joined by Daily show resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Obviously, economics. Really one of your. Economics. One of your many fields of expertise. Maybe one of your top fields. Are we in a recession? A slowdown, a difficult headwind. What is it, John?

[John Hodgman]

Well, John, most economists define a recession as two consecutive quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline in key indicators such as retail sales, employment and real gdp. Amateurs.

[John Stewart]

Which method do you prefer?

[John Hodgman]

Well, I'm a little more old school, John. That's just how I roll. To me, the most tried and true method for determining if you're in a recession begins with this little device right here.

[John Stewart]

Wow. An antique stock ticker.

[John Hodgman]

That's more than that. It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As long as this bird is alive, the economy is doing just fine.

[John Stewart]

John, I don't think that the bird is doing well.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's fine. He's just taking a little investment nap. Come on, wake up there, money beak. Come on, wake up. Okay, that's no good.

[John Stewart]

So this means we're in a recession.

[John Hodgman]

Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all, began in March of 2001. Economists didn't realize it until eight months later, when they had to boil their calendars to make soup.

[John Stewart]

Really? That's what they had to do?

[John Hodgman]

Yes, really. I said it, didn't I?

[John Stewart]

Indeed you did.

[John Hodgman]

Unfortunately, that means the only way to determine if we're in a recession now is to travel into the future.

[John Stewart]

Well, obviously, we can't do that.

[John Hodgman]

Well, of course we can't. I only have one time. Helmet. Turn it on. There we go. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back. To the future. Wow. Oh, look. The future is just as I predicted it.

[John Stewart]

John. The John. John. John. John.

[John Hodgman]

That's weird. I. I thought I heard a voice from the past. Yes, but he's dead. He died in the great plague of the end of this March 2008.

[John Stewart]

What? John, is there a recession?

[John Hodgman]

Oh, right, right. Well, let's see. Things seem pretty stable around here. I'm employed, obviously. That's always a good indicator. Oh, no. What's that? Oh, no, no. Space Invaders. No, no, no, no. Camera one. Take Me Back to the Past.

[John Stewart]

That was. That was exciting.

[John Hodgman]

That was a close one.

[John Stewart]

And may I say, the special effects in the future are amazing.

[John Hodgman]

Well, technology has advanced substantially by then.

[John Stewart]

Yes, it has. Did you find anything out about the recession while you were there?

[John Hodgman]

Oh, no, no. I didn't find anything out. Oh. But Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.

[John Stewart]

Does it really matter whether we call it a recession or not?

[John Hodgman]

Well, absolutely.

[John Stewart]

You don't want to panic people, but it's just semantics.

[John Hodgman]

Well, exactly. Words matter, John. When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed, they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're going camping forever. Money Beak, you're alive. Maybe the economy's turning around. Oh, no, no. He's still dead. I forgot I put money beak on my ringtone.

[John Stewart]

Well, thank you very much, John Money Beak. All right, we'll talk to you later. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. For years, our good friend John Hodgman has served as the Daily Show's resident expert, mostly to promote his books, which are written by prison inmates and orphans. It's a pretty good scam. But with our nation and planet facing so many urgent problems, he has decided to use his expertise for the betterment of mankind. In this new segment. You're welcome with John Hosman. John, so delighted that you've decided to use your powers for good. What problem are you going to solve tonight?

[John Hodgman]

The economy, John. As you know, the country is on the brink of financial collapse.

[John Stewart]

Exactly. John. What do we.

[John Hodgman]

No time for questions. Bold, incomplete sentences. Credit frozen Retail sales? Cratering problem? No consumer confidence? Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now?

[John Stewart]

I believe they're crashing.

[John Hodgman]

Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so witness our new currency, the Sully Buck.

[John Stewart]

The Sully Buck.

[John Hodgman]

Globally, it's already more respected than the euro. Plus there's a built in rewards program. For every 100 Sully Bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled. And that's direct stimulus to the goosebacking industry.

[John Stewart]

It's an excellent plan, but can't we.

[John Hodgman]

John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day in Wall Street.

[John Stewart]

Yes, why did that happen?

[John Hodgman]

Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan.

[Dennis Black]

In the next few weeks.

[John Hodgman]

Sell, sell, sell everything. Sell all my stocks.

[John Stewart]

John. John. John.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassuranceness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel. We're gonna try to do the impossible. I believe in you specifically, secretary designate. Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress.

[John Stewart]

All right, that's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's.

[John Hodgman]

John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what, let's move on to the lightning round. All right, first, to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be known as pudding. As in, hey, great, eight and a quarter percent pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.

[John Stewart]

Ah, so people can see themselves, give themselves a little pep talk.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, and also for cutting up cocaine, also available at every cash register.

[John Stewart]

Cocaine? You want cocaine?

[John Hodgman]

Yes, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine makes people feel very confident.

[John Stewart]

That's John Hodgman. That's. That's illegal. I don't think.

[John Hodgman]

I don't think you understand. Oh. Oh, no.

[John Stewart]

What is that? What's happening?

[John Hodgman]

That's it. That's a five minute warning till economic collapse. It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas.

[John Stewart]

What?

[John Hodgman]

What? Emergency Christmas. Tomorrow. There are only 14 shopping hours left. Chop, chop, let's go.

[John Stewart]

It's a little bit of a late notice for an emergency.

[John Hodgman]

John, are you saying that you didn't get me anything for emergency Christmas? Oh, this is the worst emergency Christmas ever.

[John Stewart]

Well, thank you very much for the solutions, John Hodgman, everyone. You're welcome. We'll be right back.

[Unknown]

These days I can do anything from my phone book. A vacation order, a meal from a five star restaurant, buy and trade stocks. But maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded. I have rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pickup in the Rinse app [e-mail], a rince valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it, they're back, crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning which is returned hanging in a nice rinse garment bag. And with rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed. If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll reclean my clothes for free. Best of all, Rinse saves me tons of time each week and that's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do. So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember there's an app for that. Rinse. Sign up now and get $20 off your first order at rinse.com that's R I N-S E.com.

[John Stewart]

While it's clear how easily the debate can be hijacked, someone will need to ride to the rescue of health care reform. Luckily, that someone works at the Daily Show. For answers, we turn to our resident expert John Hodgman and his segment. You're welcome. Thank you very much, John Hodgman, ladies and gentlemen, here to join us about this. Thank you for joining us in this important debate that Americans are now having.

[John Hodgman]

You're absolutely welcome, John. America is sick. It's going to take some major surgery to heal this nation. There are going to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow and also a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry, Dr. Hodgman is in first problem access. Almost 50 million people in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice that none of those people are in Congress.

[John Stewart]

Every one of us in Congress have.

[John Hodgman]

A good health care plan. If we had to go through what most Americans are going through, we'd be busy trying to fix this. White hair man is right. So I'm going to write my first prescription, make every American a member of Congress.

[John Stewart]

I don't know, John, actually that that's practical.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, really?

[John Stewart]

In some respects.

[John Hodgman]

What if I wrote a little prescription for Vicodin for you as well, John? Would that make it go down a little easier?

[John Stewart]

You're not a doctor. You're not actually a doctor.

[John Hodgman]

Not offline, I suppose, but fine. There's certainly more than one way to skin this patient. What prescription? 2. A healthy dose of prevention now?

[John Stewart]

Yes. Exercise, diet, that sort of thing.

[John Hodgman]

No, no, John. Illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise. I'm talking about preventing contact, Moving the sick people to a designated area far away from the rest of us.

[John Stewart]

You're talking about a leper colony. Like a leper.

[John Hodgman]

No, no, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I call it camp. Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and patrolled by dogs, it's also a lot of fun.

[John Stewart]

And you can leave it.

[John Hodgman]

No, no, not alive.

[John Stewart]

But talk about cost. Talk about your plans seem very expensive. And all the plans on the table require hundreds of billions in additional funding.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, John, but there is a solution, and it lies inside each and every one of us. The kind of arrangement that I would like to see is the ability for strangers who are willing to give a kidney and save someone's life to be able to get a tax credit or free health care or a contribution to their retirement account. Diagnosis? Great idea. Prescription. Pay for health care by letting people sell their organs. John, do you have any idea how much a healthy kidney is worth?

[John Stewart]

I don't have any idea, John.

[John Hodgman]

I was $160,000.

[John Stewart]

Wow.

[John Hodgman]

And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the screen. And what are people doing with them? Using them to filter their urine. I say turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower of money.

[John Stewart]

If I'm hearing you correctly, and I believe that I am.

[John Hodgman]

Yes.

[John Stewart]

Doesn't that just turn poor people into living organ farms for the rich?

[John Hodgman]

Whoa, John. What do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of east coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest.

[John Stewart]

How? In what way?

[John Hodgman]

You pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people. Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat screen tv. Maybe a lung for a Prius, or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium. There. I just solved the health care crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.

[John Stewart]

You just killed a hobo is what you did. That is monstrous. You killed a hobo.

[John Hodgman]

Monstrous, John. Yes, I think it's quite beautiful.

[John Stewart]

I'm sure you do.

[John Hodgman]

I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. It's what's in here and also what's in there, John. Right here and down in this area. Oh, John, do you want to make some money? Because I could put you in touch with a guy.

[John Stewart]

No, I don't.

[John Hodgman]

You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime stuff.

[John Stewart]

You disgust me, John. I don't have arm organs. I don't know what that was. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. What is next? How can the Catholic Church get back on track? Luckily for them, our resident expert, John Hodgman is here to help with his segment.

[John Hodgman]

You're welcome.

[John Stewart]

John, thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate you being here. I want to get right to it. This seems like a deeply pervasive problem. How does the Catholic Church even begin to tackle it?

[John Hodgman]

Well, you have to start with the simple things. My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly may seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and. Or run.

[John Stewart]

The button fly is a complicated maze. Is that it? Does that.

[John Hodgman]

No, no. John, prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Altar chimps. Are you.

[John Stewart]

Are you suggesting that we replace altar boys with chimps?

[John Hodgman]

I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA, but crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see.

[John Stewart]

Interesting. Well, that's all right.

[John Hodgman]

I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off.

[John Stewart]

All right, These are mostly cosmetic changes from what I can tell, and some obviously more likely than others. This is a systemic problem.

[John Hodgman]

Yes. I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here? Sweeping changes in the way the Church operates. That's why my second solution comes in. Kill the mood. The Catholic Church is a far too sexy.

[John Stewart]

I don't. I don't know that that is. I mean, I haven't been in a Catholic church.

[John Hodgman]

Oh, really?

[John Stewart]

Well, yeah, but sexy, John.

[John Hodgman]

Yes. They're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense, the whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So I understand. Let's describe sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk. Instead of swinging around a sensor full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze.

[John Stewart]

Oh, God. I always thought that smell was cat urine. It turns out it's what I use to cover up cat urine. Yes.

[John Hodgman]

And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us.

[John Stewart]

I. I don't recall there being any sexual tension between us.

[John Hodgman]

It was there.

[John Stewart]

All right.

[John Hodgman]

Finally, the music, John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Oh, put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze.

[John Stewart]

No, please don't. Please don't do that again.

[John Hodgman]

Are you sure?

[John Stewart]

Yes.

[John Hodgman]

Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions.

[John Stewart]

I get it.

[John Hodgman]

Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not. It is not smooch music. I think you'd agree it is.

[John Stewart]

Sometimes prevention is well and good, John. But what if, despite these precautions, and they are solid suggestions.

[John Hodgman]

I know.

[John Stewart]

What if it does? What if it does happen again? What would you do?

[John Hodgman]

Well, that brings us to solution number three, John. Accountability. Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests can unburden themselves by going into a small room and talking privately and then have a chance to atone for what they've done.

[John Stewart]

I think. I think I know where you're going with this. And I believe, again, Catholic churches have that in place. It's called a confessional, and I believe.

[John Hodgman]

No, that's not what I'm talking about. My idea is slightly different. Instead of wood paneled walls, we would use reinforced concrete instead of a traditional confessional screen. We can increase transparency in the church with 5 inch thick bulletproof glass. And to ensure that this is a safe space for these priests, why not place a number of armed guards nearby?

[John Stewart]

I see. You seem to be talking about sending them to a prison.

[John Hodgman]

Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call it a maximum security monastery.

[John Stewart]

Thank you very much, John Hodgman.

[Dennis Black]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on.

[John Hodgman]

Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime.

[Dennis Black]

On Paramount plus.

[Unknown]

Paramount Podcasts these days I can do anything from my phone book a vacation, order a meal from a five star restaurant, buy and trade stocks. But maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded. I have Rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pickup in the Rinse app [e-mail] a Rinse Valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it, they're back, crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning, which is returned hanging in a nice Rinse garment bag. And with Rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed. If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll reclean my clothes for free. Best of all, Rinse saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do. So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember there's an app for that rinse. Sign up now and get $20 off your first order at rinse.com that's R-I.

[John Stewart]

N-S E.com you're listening to an I Heart podcast.