TDS Time Machine | Space!

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition Episode: TDS Time Machine | Space! Release Date: July 13, 2025

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Introduction

In the "TDS Time Machine | Space!" episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition, Comedy Central delves into the latest happenings in the realm of space exploration, government initiatives, and celestial events—all delivered with the show’s characteristic humor and satire. Hosted by members of The Daily Show News Team, including appearances by celebrities like Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, the episode navigates through a series of comedic segments, interviews, and satirical news reports that explore both current and speculative topics related to space.

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Segment 1: NASA's Prolonged Space Mission

[05:38 - 07:29]

The episode opens with breaking news from NASA concerning two astronauts, Wilmore and Williams, who embarked on a 10-day mission aboard a Boeing Starliner spaceship in June. Unexpected complications have extended their stay, potentially delaying their return until February 2025.

Dax Shepard humorously remarks on the situation:

“February 2025. They're going to miss the insurrection... It’s an eight-month work trip”
[01:49]

The discourse highlights concerns over prolonged missions and the bureaucratic delays associated with space travel. Shepard further satirizes the complexities of space missions with his take on Boeing's optimistic assurances:

“What I do is I take that amount of time and I add forever to it.”
[02:26]

General Jay Raymond, head of Space Force, is introduced to discuss the safety and viability of the Starliner. Despite the host’s skepticism and comedic interjections, Raymond emphasizes the robustness of the vehicle:

“We operate for the world free of charge. The GPS Constellation that provides you navigation and provides the world a timing signal for everybody to use.”
[09:15-09:29]

The segment concludes with Shepard's satirical take on space exploration priorities:

“We're up there... And so to those poor astronauts who are stuck up in space, I personally, I give them permission to have an affair... It happens to the best of us.”
[03:24]

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Segment 2: Interview with General Jay Raymond of Space Force

[07:29 - 13:42]

In a mock-serious interview, the host seeks to uncover the true nature of the newly established Space Force, often ridiculed for its perceived lack of tangible activities beyond providing GPS services.

Comedy Central Host engages in a humorous dialogue with General Jay Raymond:

“So above 100 kilometers, that's where all the Space Force people are.”
[11:11]

Raymond clarifies the actual mission of Space Force, focusing on space security and satellite protection:

“We do a lot more than that. Communication satellites. We have missile warning satellites...”
[09:40-09:58]

The host’s persistent skepticism leads to jokes about alien threats and the lack of "starship troopers" within the Space Force, highlighting the disconnect between public perception and actual responsibilities.

Ronny Chieng and other team members interject with comedic remarks, further emphasizing the satire:

“They love the science. Science.”
[30:43]

The interview wraps up with a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of Space Force’s contributions amidst the host’s continued humorous disbelief.

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Segment 3: Solar Eclipse Extravaganza

[14:30 - 20:47]

The episode transitions to coverage of an upcoming solar eclipse set to occur the following Monday, promising a brief yet spectacular celestial event for viewers across America. The segment mixes genuine excitement with satirical commentary on commercialization and absurdities surrounding the eclipse.

Kristen Bell introduces the eclipse, juxtaposing awe with mock criticism:

“Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.”
[14:52]

Local reporters Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper provide on-the-ground coverage from towns like Jackson, Missouri, and Kerrville, Texas, highlighting the community spirit and the economic boom triggered by the event:

“Hotels are up about 550% in cities.”
[15:47]

The hosts humorously critique the commercialization of natural events:

“Krispy Kreme is even teaming up with Oreos for a donut featuring cookie pieces.”
[15:53]

Debates ensue among the reporters about the moon and sun’s roles in the eclipse, escalating into playful arguments and exaggerated proclamations:

“The moon is nothing. It's a rock.”
[19:58]

The segment concludes with a comedic face-off, highlighting the absurdity of minor disagreements overshadowing such a rare event:

“Shut up, Desi. Yeah, Mars.”
[20:02]

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Segment 4: The Lunar Embassy and Martian Real Estate

[20:47 - 24:56]

A satirical skit introduces the concept of private enterprises claiming ownership of celestial bodies. Jordan Klepper reports on Dennis Hope and Craig Attig, who offer the sale of lunar and Martian properties despite international treaties prohibiting such claims.

Ronny Chieng narrates the absurdity:

“You don't just sell property on the planets. You also sell fine motor oils.”
[21:28]

The skit lampoons the loopholes exploited by entrepreneurs, with exaggerated scenarios predicting future conflicts over extraterrestrial real estate:

“The day may come... only you’d have to take that up with the legitimate Martian government.”
[22:35]

This segment underscores the commercialization of space and the ethical dilemmas posed by privatizing celestial bodies, all delivered with sharp wit and humor.

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Segment 5: Asteroid Threats and Cosmic Radiation

[23:52 - 27:16]

The episode delves into the scientific discourse surrounding asteroid threats and the impact of cosmic radiation on astronauts. Ronny Chieng engages in a comedic interview with an astrophysicist, discussing the real and exaggerated threats posed by space phenomena.

Ronny Chieng poses absurdly humorous questions:

“Why are these asteroids trying to kill us?”
[32:13]

The astrophysicist provides a mix of factual information and playful banter, addressing the improbability of extraterrestrial aggression and the real dangers of cosmic radiation:

“Exposure to cosmic radiation could cause astronauts to suffer erectile dysfunction even after they returned to Earth.”
[23:52]

Dax Shepard interjects with satirical concerns about human vulnerabilities in space missions:

“If an alien queen takes me to the bedroom and I can't perform? Earth gets vaporized...”
[25:14]

This segment blends genuine scientific concerns with over-the-top humor, highlighting the intersection of space exploration and human frailties.

---

Segment 6: Interview with Neil deGrasse Tyson

[30:08 - 36:46]

The episode culminates with an interview featuring Neil deGrasse Tyson, the renowned astrophysicist and director of the Hayden Planetarium. Hosted by Trevor Noah, the conversation turns into a comedic exchange about Tyson's latest book, "Space Facing the Ultimate Frontier."

Ronny Chieng critiques Tyson’s visual representations in the book:

“It was cheap as all get out, all right. But Earth was spinning the correct direction, except a little too fast.”
[31:01]

Tyson defends his work amidst the lighthearted mockery:

“All you had to do was reverse the video.”
[31:28]

The dialogue continues with discussions on asteroid threats, leading to satirical warnings about impending cosmic dangers:

“You can't go to space anymore because you want to protect your boner?”
[26:34]

The interplay between Tyson and the hosts blends educational content with sharp humor, offering listeners both information and laughter.

---

Conclusion

The Daily Show: Ears Edition successfully intertwines humor with current events in space exploration and governmental initiatives. Through a combination of satirical interviews, comedic skits, and humorous commentary, the episode "TDS Time Machine | Space!" provides an engaging and entertaining take on the complexities and absurdities of humanity's ventures into space. Notable quotes punctuate the narrative, enhancing the comedic effect while highlighting the show's insightful critique of contemporary space-related topics.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard on mission delays:
  “Things always end up taking longer than they say they’ll.”
  [02:26]

• General Jay Raymond on Space Force’s mission:
  “We operate for the world free of charge. The GPS Constellation...”
  [09:15-09:29]

• Dax Shepard on astronauts in space:
  “I give them permission to have an affair. You know, zero gravity, baby.”
  [03:24]

• Ronny Chieng on lunar real estate:
  “You also sell fine motor oils.”
  [21:28]

• Neil deGrasse Tyson rebuttal:
  “All you had to do was reverse the video.”
  [31:28]

---

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of "TDS Time Machine | Space!", offering readers a vivid portrayal of the episode’s content, humor, and underlying messages.

Transcript

[Kristen Bell]

Hi, I'm Kristen Bell and if you know my husband Dax, then you also know he loves shopping for a car. Selling a car, not so much.

[Dax Shepard]

We're really doing this, huh?

[Kristen Bell]

Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your van or license and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye bye Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Of course, we kept the favorite.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello, other Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply.

[State Farm Representative]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want, like that dream house or ride, is a great feeling. That's why the State Farm personal price plan can help you save when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

[Polestar Representative]

This episode is brought to you by polestar.

[Comedy Central Host]

There's only one true way to experience the all electric luxury SUV Polestar 3. And that's to take a test drive. It can go from 0 to 60 in as little as 4.8 seconds with the dynamic handling of a sports car. But to truly understand how it commands.

[Polestar Representative]

The road, you need to be behind the wheel.

[Comedy Central Host]

Up to 350 miles of range. The 3D surround sound system by Bowers and Wilkins. It's all something you have to experience to believe. So book your Test drive for Polestar 3 [e-mail] youm're listening to Comedy Central.

[NASA News Anchor]

Some big news from NASA. Those two astronauts who launched on a Boeing Starliner spaceship for a 10 day mission back in June. Well, there's word now they may not be coming home until next February. February 2025.

[Dax Shepard]

February 2025. They're going to miss the insurrection. They were supposed to be gone for a week and now it's going to be eight months. And this is not just an eight month trip. This is an eight month work trip. Take a good look around at your co workers and imagine spending eight months with them. Makes you want to kill yourself live on air, doesn't it? And by the way, they're not gonna be back in eight months either, okay? Things always end up taking longer than they say. There's a formula I use when someone else tells me how long it's gonna take to fix something. What I do is I take that amount of time and I add forever to it.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay?

[Dax Shepard]

Don't we fake all our Space shit. Anyways, you know, why is this a problem? Just open the door of the soundstage in Burbank and let these people go home. But apparently it's more complicated than that.

[Comedy Central Host]

NASA and Boeing engineers remain divided over whether it's safe to bring Wilmore and Williams back on Starline. They're concerned helium leaks and engine thruster problems could pose serious risks.

[Polestar Representative]

Boeing believes Starliner would bring the astronauts home safely.

[Comedy Central Host]

I'm very confident we have a good vehicle to bring the crew back with.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, well, if Boeing says it's safe, I think we can just trust them on this one, right?

[Comedy Central Host]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, their days without an incident sign is almost up to double digits. They got that. What's that? Oh, oh. I'm being told that the days without incident sign fell and killed someone.

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Why are we even still going to space? There's no gravity up there. We can't breathe. I think it's sending us a message. We already have a planet Earth right here. And it's gonna be here for at least another 20 years. 15 if you use a plastic straw. But for whatever reason, we're up there. And so to those poor astronauts who are stuck up in space, I personally, I give them permission to have an affair. You know, zero gravity, baby. It's the perfect excuse. Who hasn't gotten stuck in space and floated inside a co worker. It happens to the best of us.

[Polestar Representative]

Look, I could. I could come up with more reasons, but let's be honest. Elon knows why people are mad at him. We know he's not as smart as he pretends to be, but he's also not as dumb as he's pretending to be right now. And when he goes on Sean Hannity to complain about why people hate him, he's just proving that the troll king of the Internet can't handle the consequences of the real world. But you know what? You know what, Elon? You know what? No. Here. Elon. Elon, if you genuinely want people to not hate you, you could focus on the things you are good at. I mean, you did get those astronauts back. It was a beautiful moment.

[Ronny Chieng]

The astronaut pair who faced a prolonged stay in space nine months versus a planned one week are back on Earth tonight.

[Dax Shepard]

It was a team effort between the Trump administration, elon Musk, and SpaceX.

[Comedy Central Host]

And how about this welcoming committee?

[Jordan Klepper]

Like we just mentioned, a pod of.

[Polestar Representative]

Dolphins seen swimming around as the astronauts.

[Comedy Central Host]

Waited to be escorted out of the SpaceX Dragon capsule.

[Polestar Representative]

You know what? I think that's great. Look, I have to. I have to not Be a hater for a second, okay? Elon brought them back safely from space after being stranded there for months. And dolphins even showed up to say hi. That is incredible. I mean, I wish the dolphins hadn't welcomed them back with a Sieg Heil, but still, still, it's a beautiful moment for humanity. Now, it was a joyous moment, but those astronauts were gone a long, long time. Thankfully, the good folks at NASA prepared a video that to help them acclimate to the world they're coming back to.

[Kristen Bell]

Hello, astronauts, and welcome back to Earth. You got to see dolphins before they went extinct. How cool is that? As you are flown back to the U.S. this video will re acclimate your mind on what you missed while you were in space. First, the Gulf of Mexico you landed in is now the Gulf of America. But don't worry, the name change is symbolic. We're not going to war with Mexico. We're going to war with Canada and Greenland. Maybe Panama. Also Mexico. Oh, speaking of wars, when you left, it was Russia that invaded Ukraine. Now it's the other way around. Don't worry about it for now. Just focus on resting. And after you enter US territory, your space capsule will face crippling steel tariffs and you will be deported to an El Salvadoran prison. Just until we're sure that you're not Venezuelan gang members. And after your release in 2026, you will be honored at the White House, which is now run by Fox News anchors. Also, the anti vaccine guy is now in charge of vaccines. The anti FBI guy is now in charge of the FBI. And the lady in charge of the WWE runs the education department, which is gone. These great leaders will welcome you all back, except for astronaut Suni Williams. See, when you left, you were a female astronaut. And now you're a DEI astronaut. And also you're fired. But don't worry, you'll find another job. Although, just a heads up, the stock market is down and eggs are $400. But those are both good things and also Joe Biden's fault. At this point, you're probably wondering, when can NASA send me back up to space? Well, it probably can't. NASA just got doged, which is a real sentence now. So from all of us here in America, welcome to hell, Earth. Welcome back to Earth.

[Comedy Central Host]

Space Force. The latest branch of the armed forces that after 30 years of planning, finally sprung into existence. Thanks to the support of our last military genius, we are going to have the Space Force. But after a rocky launch, most Americans still still don't know what space Force actually does. Until now. I'm here at the Pentagon to find out what Space Force, the sixth and coolest branch of the US Military does. I'm talking spaceships, lasers. It's the military in space. Let's go check it out. Don't ask me how I got clearance. I'm not even an American citizen. Somehow I scored an interview with the very first head of Space Force, four star General Jay Raymond at the geometry themed headquarters of the US Department of Defense. Obviously a space military is cool as hell, but I wasn't sure what they actually do. So I made sure to prepare for this exclusive one on one interview. General Raymond, thank you so much for. Thanks Ronnie in on this. Why is it called the Pentagon?

[General Jay Raymond]

Have you ever seen the Pentagon shape?

[Comedy Central Host]

Wait, you're saying Pentagon is a shape?

[General Jay Raymond]

Right. Like what Pentagon? Take a look at the building. You obviously studied hard in school.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, General Space Force, we're talking lasers, spaceships, rockets, fighting aliens.

[General Jay Raymond]

Absolutely not. The mission of the Space Force is really to protect and defend the capabilities that we have in space and to deter conflict from beginning in space or extending into space.

[Comedy Central Host]

What does Space Force do?

[General Jay Raymond]

Let me give you an example. We operate for the world free of charge. The GPS Constellation that provides you navigation and provides the world a timing signal for everybody to use. Most people don't know that that's provided free of charge by the United States. Space Force.

[Comedy Central Host]

Space Force gives GPS for free to the world?

[General Jay Raymond]

Yes, sir.

[Comedy Central Host]

Why don't you open with that? Call yourselves the GPS Force?

[General Jay Raymond]

We do a lot more than that.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yeah, but you go with the thing that people know.

[General Jay Raymond]

We do a lot more than that. Communication satellites. We have missile warning satellites that detect any kind of launch around the globe and provide warning of that. And so it's very critical to us and our competitors or our adversaries have watched us and have seen us integrate space into everything that we do.

[Comedy Central Host]

Who are our adversaries?

[General Jay Raymond]

Specifically Russia and China. They're building space capabilities for their own use. So for example, they have a satellite that they launched in 2017. I call it a nesting doll satellite. It's a satellite that opens up and another satellite comes out. And it opens up and a projectile comes out.

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh my God.

[General Jay Raymond]

Designed to kill a satellite.

[Comedy Central Host]

Do all these nations satellites adopt their country's cultures? Like does a Chinese satellite come out and chopsticks come out and like pick on the other satellites?

[General Jay Raymond]

China has a satellite that has a.

[Comedy Central Host]

Robotic arm with chopsticks on it.

[General Jay Raymond]

A robotic arm that can reach out and in the future grab another Satellite and satellites don't like to be grabbed.

[Comedy Central Host]

What is the plan to stop that?

[General Jay Raymond]

I won't go into all the details of what we can do, but let's just say I'm very comfortable that we can protect and defend our satellites.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's ominous as hell. But I still wasn't sure why America's already bloated military needed a whole new military when we already have five other militaries. General, why did Space Force become its own branch of the military?

[General Jay Raymond]

The Air Force has a lot of responsibilities that it does. It's primarily focused on the air domain. And the thought was because space was so critical to us, we had to stand up a separate service to be able to focus on it.

[Comedy Central Host]

So atmosphere wise, where does the Air Force end and Space Force begin?

[General Jay Raymond]

There's really not a firm, dedicated, recognizable clouds. But what happens is above clouds, Space Force below clouds, you can think of above where airplanes work, wings work, and where orbital dynamics takes over roughly about 100 kilometers.

[Comedy Central Host]

So above 100 kilometers, that's where all the Space Force people are.

[General Jay Raymond]

No, in fact, our force is on the ground.

[Comedy Central Host]

So they come in every day and sit behind a computer.

[General Jay Raymond]

Largely, a lot of their work is done behind computers, in terminals, operating capabilities, or on and optical telescopes looking out in space.

[Comedy Central Host]

So Space Force is less starship troopers and more office space. But are these keyboard warriors even ready to protect us from the real threat facing mankind? Have you considered maybe looking a little outwards and looking at the threats that are external that might be coming to Earth, for example, aliens that might be coming.

[General Jay Raymond]

So again, our mission is a little bit closer to home. NASA's mission is more exploratory and more science. And so they have gone out.

[Comedy Central Host]

And I get it, General, Space Force, gps, NASA, nerd shit. But we need some dudes who look as scary as you with guns pointing outwards in case aliens come.

[General Jay Raymond]

I'm not naive or close minded to think that there might be something that would be out there. But we're not focused on aliens.

[Comedy Central Host]

Alright, well, it just seems like it's a big hole in the national defense plan. And if no one's going to plug that hole, I just feel like maybe Space Force should step up and maybe provide some orbital defense against aliens.

[General Jay Raymond]

Thanks for your advice.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, well, General, thank you for taking the time to speak to me. Even though Space Force has nothing to do with lasers or aliens or spaceships, and I wish it was cooler, I do appreciate the need for a GPS system that works.

[General Jay Raymond]

Thank you for the opportunity. I couldn't be more proud of the guardians that I appreciate the opportunity to tell their story because most Americans don't understand what they do.

[Comedy Central Host]

I agree. So even though I'm still not sure what it does, Space Force represents what the American government does best. Buy new ways to give billions of dollars to the military industrial complex. But hey, if they're going to offer free gps, then I say live long and prosper. Space Force.

[Ronny Chieng]

The McDonald's snack wrap is back. You brought it back. Ranch snack wrap. Spicy snack wrap. You broke the Internet for a snack? Snack wrap is back.

[Comedy Central Host]

Ba da ba ba ba.

[Polestar Representative]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a.

[Comedy Central Host]

Thing Mint Mobile Unlimited premium wireless.

[Ronny Chieng]

How many to get? 30.

[Comedy Central Host]

30.

[Ronny Chieng]

Betty get 30. Better get 20. 2020. Better get 20. 20.

[Comedy Central Host]

Better get 15. 15. 15.

[Ronny Chieng]

15. Just 15 bucks a month. Sold.

[Polestar Representative]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[State Farm Representative]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's busy taxes and fees extra. See mintmal.com Close your eyes. Exhale.

[NASA News Anchor]

Feel your body relax and let go of.

[State Farm Representative]

Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste.

[Kristen Bell]

Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.

[Comedy Central Host]

1-800-Contacts.

[Kristen Bell]

Next Monday a a solar eclipse will totally block out the sun over parts of America. And we're all looking forward to having one brief moment when you can look up into the sky and see something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting toward the ground. It's not just a moment. For humans, an eclipse offers a once in a lifetime opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to come out and feed during the day. Yeah, it's good for him. It's good for him. Now, in the old days, a total eclipse would be a time when people would gather together as a community and burn the witches responsible for it. But these days, we commemorate it in the modern, enlightened way by trying to make that money.

[NASA News Anchor]

This eclipse is causing a travel boom for small towns in its path.

[Polestar Representative]

Hotels are up about 550% in cities.

[Dax Shepard]

Like Jackson, Missouri, where it'll cost on.

[Comedy Central Host]

Average more than $600 a night. In Erie, Pennsylvania, it's almost 800.

[Dax Shepard]

Companies are rushing to cash in some of the strangest sun inspired foods, including chips you can only get during the eclipse. Krispy Kreme is even teaming up with Oreos for a donut featuring cookie pieces.

[State Farm Representative]

To catch the eclipse from the sky. Delta offering a flight from Austin to Detroit to give onlookers an out of this world view.

[NASA News Anchor]

Wow.

[Kristen Bell]

Talk about a flight where you do not want to be in the middle seat. Imagine you end up sitting next to that guy who insists on keeping his window shade down. Although how cool to celebrate the once in a lifetime event of a Delta flight taking off on time. I love how every civilization honors the heavens in their own way. The ancient Incas built Machu Picchu, America. Put an Oreo on a donut. We're really milking this event for everything it's worth. But look, we can't deny that the eclipse truly is a rare, magical moment for those lucky enough to be in its path. You'll never forget that you saw that. And nothing, nothing can take that away from you.

[State Farm Representative]

Weather and clouds might get in the way of perfect eclipse viewing in many parts of the country.

[Kristen Bell]

Mother. For more on how towns across America are celebrating the eclipse, we have our news team live in the path of totality. Ronny Chang in Kerrville, Texas.

[Polestar Representative]

Jordan center in Jackson, Missouri.

[Kristen Bell]

Guys, what's the mood like where you are?

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh, it's amazing, Desi. I thought this small town would be full of dumb rubes, but it's actually full of the friendliest and most welcoming rubes I've ever met. So nice to see America stop fighting for one day and watch the sun put on a show.

[Polestar Representative]

Same here, Desi. Knowing how small we are in the vastness of space has brought everyone together in love and friendship to wear repurposed Avatar 3D glasses. So I agree with everything Ronnie said, except for the Everyone knows the moon is the real star here.

[Comedy Central Host]

I'm sorry, Jordan. Well, the moon is supporting, but the sun is the real star here. I mean, it's literally a star. I'm sorry they didn't teach you that in American kindergarten.

[Polestar Representative]

Obviously I meant star metaphorically. They must not teach metaphors. Wherever you went to community college, the sun is not why people are putting aside their differences and coming together. Dipshit. Watching the moon cross over the sun. Unlike you, most people don't stare at the sun all day.

[Kristen Bell]

Okay, guys, guys, let's not Fall apart over this. The sun and the moon are equally important here.

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh, sure, yeah. Equally important, because if the sun disappears, I mean, all that happens is we all freeze to death. And God forbid the moon goes away. Then we'll be what, hotter this earth. And Jordan won't get his period anymore. Okay?

[Polestar Representative]

You put some respect on the moon, all right? It's our cultural touchstone. Goodnight, moon Moonlight Sonata when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore Tell me this, tell me this, have you ever. Have you ever gotten a moon burn? No. Worst thing that happens under the moonlight is that you fall in love. Or turn into a werewolf. Either way, it's awesome.

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh, sorry, did you say moonlight? You mean the light that reflects from the sun? Yo, the moon is nothing. It's a rock. Good thing it has a weak gravitational pull so people can leave it easier.

[Polestar Representative]

Oh, I thought you'd like the weak gravity. Because it's the one place in the universe where you could actually dunk a basketball, smartass.

[Comedy Central Host]

Watch.

[Kristen Bell]

Okay, guys, guys, guys, Stop this. I thought this eclipse would bring us together.

[Comedy Central Host]

Shut up, Desi.

[Polestar Representative]

Yeah, shut up, Desi. You're probably like Mars or some stupid shit.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yeah, Mars. All right, look, the moon doesn't have shit on the sun, okay? You wouldn't even know the moon exists if it wasn't for the sun. So don't act like the sun isn't the most important part of the eclipse, all right?

[Polestar Representative]

Wait, What? Wait. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm eclipsing you.

[Comedy Central Host]

I'm eclipsing you.

[Polestar Representative]

I'm passing in front, which the more powerful body can do. Get out of my bones. All hail the sun. On, hail the sun. Sun, sun, the sun. You like this? Anybody even try? Ronny Chang and Jordan Clapper, everyone.

[Jordan Klepper]

The United Nations. Since its inception, the UN's mission has been to maintain peace on Earth. But unless quick resolution can be found to a brewing land dispute, they may soon find themselves struggling to maintain peace beyond Earth. Exploiting a loophole in a UN treaty, businessman Dennis Hope has made a simple claim of ownership. The declaration of ownership that I filed was for the moon and the other eight planets and their moons. So, I guess the solar system. What are you selling? The Lunar Embassy sells property on planets and moons in this solar system. You don't just sell property on the planets. You also sell fine motor oils.

[Ronny Chieng]

Correct?

[Jordan Klepper]

How much is your total property worth? $763 trillion. And you also provide licorice? Yes, it's red vine. And it's Free. But fellow entrepreneur Craig Attig thinks Dennis is misinterpreting the law. The UN has stated that nobody can claim to own the moon, Mars, any of the planets. According to Craig, the only legal way to get Martian land is from a Martian government. We are simply lying in wait for that Martian Independence day, so to speak. And for a small fee, Craig's Martian consulate will register a land claim on your behalf. It seems fairly simple. All someone has to do is register their claim with you. Wait for colonization of the planet. Wait for industry, agriculture and the population to grow large enough that Mars is an independent colony. Yes. And then wait for a group of disgruntled patriot Martian folks, farmers to rise up and throw off the shackles of Earth bound imperialism. I think there's little doubt that it'll happen. It's a long wait, but I think for certain it will happen. Is this for our children? It's not going to pay off in this generation. For our grandchildren, it won't pay off the next generation. Our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandchildren. That's right. While these two may profit by offering the same land, it's the Martians of tomorrow who will pay the price. The day may come in the future when I as a colonist may be out in my trifibian atomicar in Cydonia, visiting the face one day to come back to my terra sphere, only to find that my pods and capsules have been thrown into the canal by the Lunar embassy who evicted me. You'd have to take that up with the legitimate Martian government. But what about my pods and capsules? Not my problem as far as you're concerned. Well, we're kind of out of the picture once Martian Independence Day comes to be. If the present conflict continues in the future, a peaceful Mars may have been.

[Polestar Representative]

A thing of the past.

[NASA News Anchor]

A new study found that exposure to cosmic radiation could cause astronauts to suffer erectile dysfunction even after they returned to Earth. Which finally explains why Neil Armstrong's second sentence on the moon was I swear this never happened. And they say what causes this is cosmic rays. But what if it's just the awe inspiring experience of being in space? You know, after that you're having sex with someone and you're like, yeah, I've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity. So sorry if your vagina just doesn't do it for me anymore. Or to be inclusive, I've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity. So Sorry if your butthole doesn't do it for me any. We care. We care here at the Daily Show. We care.

[General Jay Raymond]

That's.

[NASA News Anchor]

For more on the space race, we go live to NASA headquarters with our very own Michael Kosta. Now, Michael, this is some shocking news.

[Dax Shepard]

It's devastating, Michelle. It's why I've made the difficult decision to not be an astronaut. And it's too bad because I was just. Just a couple of YouTube videos away from learning math.

[NASA News Anchor]

But, Michael, space travel is one of humanity's greatest technological accomplishments. After the Japanese toilet, of course. Of course it's a hot seat. What are we talking about? Isn't planting the flag on the moon worth a little bit of a limp dick?

[Dax Shepard]

Unfortunately, no. The fact is, space stick is a life or death issue for our planet. See, if science fiction has taught us anything, it's that most of the time you spend in space, you're having sex with hot aliens. That's how we prove to them that humanity is worth saving. But what if an alien queen takes me to the bedroom and I can't perform? Earth gets vaporized just because I couldn't blast off into her Milky Way. We can't take that risk.

[NASA News Anchor]

Michael. I don't think that's how real space.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, which one of us was almost an astronaut, Michelle?

[NASA News Anchor]

Neither one of us. So what are you saying? We can't go to space anymore because you want to protect your boner?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course I'm not saying that it's humanity's destiny to explore the galaxy and harvest its resources so we can keep building iPhones. No, Michelle, now is the time for us to come together as a planet and devote all of our collective scientific knowledge to keeping our astronauts rock hard. Okay, whatever it takes. Space Viagra. Paint a nipple on the moon so it looks like a boob. And if nothing else works, let's try sending teenage boys up there. Space conditions won't stop those boners any more than my grandmother's funeral did.

[NASA News Anchor]

Thanks, Michael. Micah Costa, everybody.

[Comedy Central Host]

Rated T for Teen.

[Polestar Representative]

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[State Farm Representative]

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[Comedy Central Host]

And finally, if you're searching for a vacation that's totally out of this world, well, we've got some good news for you.

[NASA News Anchor]

And if you want a hotel room with a view, how about booking a room in the world's first space hotel? It's a cruise ship style luxury hotel that will rotate space. California company the Gateway foundation released plans for the Von Braun station. The amenities will include restaurants, movie screenings, low gravity basketball, and rock climbing facilities. The company hopes to get it off the ground in 2025.

[Comedy Central Host]

Wait, did they say there's gonna be a movie theater? So you're gonna go all the way to space and then watch a movie? I mean, I guess it sort of makes sense because when you think about it, space is probably exciting for about like 15 minutes. And then at that point it's like, how many times can you say wow? Yeah, it's just like, wow, the Earth. Wow, the moon. You guys wanna go watch the Lion King? I also feel really bad for the staff on that hotel because you realize.

[Polestar Representative]

They have to do the same training.

[Comedy Central Host]

As astronauts to go work up there. But then you go up and you just clean a hotel. Yeah. Their boss will be like, congrats on that. Master's in physics. Now clean the semen out of these bed sheets. Welcome back to the show.

[Trevor Noah]

My guest tonight says he's an astrophysicist and the director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History here in New York. He says this is his Book Space Facing the Ultimate Frontier, now out in paperback. I tend to believe him. Please welcome back to the show Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

[Polestar Representative]

They love.

[Trevor Noah]

They love science.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's that.

[Trevor Noah]

They love the science.

[Ronny Chieng]

You gotta love the science. Science.

[Trevor Noah]

So, anything you want to say to me?

[Polestar Representative]

Anything?

[Trevor Noah]

Maybe in the form of an apology or.

[Ronny Chieng]

No.

[Comedy Central Host]

Hi.

[Ronny Chieng]

I noticed your new open.

[Trevor Noah]

What did you think of it? What did you think of it in terms of its accuracy? In terms of its efficacy? Let's hear it.

[Ronny Chieng]

It was cheap as all get out, all right. But Earth was spinning the correct direction, except a little too fast. Any people on it would have just.

[Comedy Central Host]

Flung off.

[Ronny Chieng]

But other than that, the globe was fine. We're cool. We're cool.

[Trevor Noah]

What does it take to satisfy you? I get it in the right direction and then the speed is off. Damn you and your Chronicles of Space.

[Ronny Chieng]

All you had to do was reverse the video. Why? What's so hard about that? I'm just saying, you know.

[Trevor Noah]

I.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, no.

[Trevor Noah]

I need to make a phone call. But don't. Wouldn't all the words then be reversed? Wouldn't it go like.

[Ronny Chieng]

No.

[Comedy Central Host]

Well.

[Trevor Noah]

Cause they're all attached. We can't separate. We tried to separate it out. You can't do it.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, you. I don't want to do that.

[Trevor Noah]

You a man of science? Not wizardry, science.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, no. Here's something interesting.

[Trevor Noah]

Let me ask you a question.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sure.

[Trevor Noah]

Why are these asteroids trying to kill us?

[Ronny Chieng]

The universe has always been trying to kill us.

[Trevor Noah]

Well, why are they getting closer?

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, we're starting to notice more. First of all. Second, we're living in more parts of Earth's surface. So when the stuff happens, it gets noticed. All right.

[Trevor Noah]

That's interesting.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Trevor Noah]

So the more. The more we expand our population. These meteors have been hitting us for years. But sometimes in unpopulated areas, most of.

[Ronny Chieng]

Which the surface of the Earth is.

[Trevor Noah]

You know, when you say it like that, it makes me sound silly.

[Ronny Chieng]

Think of the area of the Pacific. Nobody lives there. Pacific Ocean. And Canada. Well, northern Canada. Northern Canada, Northern Canada. Most of Siberia.

[Trevor Noah]

Do you have any idea what you've unleashed? The pain you have brought upon us all? Send your letters to Brian Williams, NBC.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, here's something interesting. Many of those would have gone unnoticed even in unpopulated areas. Except in the last 10 or 15 years. There are sensors placed around the world to monitor nuclear blast. And a nuclear blast has the same sonic signature in the atmosphere as a meteor strike. And so now we can find them even when it's happening in unpopulated areas.

[Trevor Noah]

And it's also, you know, I noticed for the Russian one, they all have dashboard cameras.

[Ronny Chieng]

I want a dashboard camera. That's great for, like, alien abductions and stuff, you know? Right.

[Trevor Noah]

I. I mean, I would. Again, this is not to say what the field of astrophysicists pays or anything, but I would think you could afford a dashboard camera. You're a man of science, or at least go to Radio Shack and build one. I mean.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, yeah, it's an interesting. It's data.

[Trevor Noah]

Do you have a drone?

[Ronny Chieng]

I'm not authorized to.

[Trevor Noah]

What was that? Was that a glance to people at the lab?

[Ronny Chieng]

I may occasionally drone myself, but I do not own a drone. No.

[Trevor Noah]

All right, so, no, you do not have a drone. What is the biggest. What do you think will be the biggest threat to man's existence on this planet? Do you believe it will be one of those asteroid events? Or is there something else you've been cooking up? A pathogen? Something at the planetarium that you think. Where do you think this goes?

[Ronny Chieng]

My people have astrophysicists.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yes.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, so.

[Trevor Noah]

Who, by the way, have suffered prejudice for too long. SHOUTS of NERD My people have been.

[Ronny Chieng]

Telling the world about the threat of asteroids for 30 years.

[Trevor Noah]

Right.

[Ronny Chieng]

Once we identified the crater, that was what took out the dinosaurs. At the tip of. It's the Chicxulub Crater is what it's called at the tip of the land.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, the Chicxulub by the tips.

[Ronny Chieng]

The Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico. That's where there's a crater found by people drilling for oil. They're looking for, like, gravitational anomalies. And they found a ridge that was a perfect circle 100 miles in diameter. And then you date where that came from 65 million years ago. And then you look at the dinosaur records. They went extinct 65 million years ago. And there's a smoking gun. Right, the gun and the smoke.

[Trevor Noah]

Well, does correlation equal causation, though? Couldn't it have been one of those things like, oh, what was that sound? And then they all turned and ran into the same tree? I don't know. I'm just saying, is it necessarily that it.

[Ronny Chieng]

That is possible but unlikely that they.

[Trevor Noah]

So you're saying there's a chance that.

[Ronny Chieng]

All dinosaurs ran into a tree and died and rendered themselves extinct? That is in principle. No law of physics prevents that. But it's so unlikely. What handed you an asteroid? And plus, that birthed the study of climate science in a big way.

[Trevor Noah]

When you say it like that, it makes me seem silly.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, I don't mean to say that.

[Trevor Noah]

Will you stick around and tell me for real? Stick around?

[Ronny Chieng]

I'll tell you.

[Trevor Noah]

We'll go to commercial, then you'll tell me exactly what's going to happen.

[Ronny Chieng]

I can so do that.

[Trevor Noah]

Space Chronicles is on the bookshelves now. You got to get ahold of it. The great Neil DeGrasse Tyson, ladies and gentlemen.

[Comedy Central Host]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus.