TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – "TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns"

Release Date: March 13, 2025

Host: Jon Stewart
Produced by: iHeartPodcasts and Paramount Podcasts

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1. Introduction and Stock Market Overview

Jon Stewart opens the episode with a humorous take on the fluctuating stock market, juxtaposing significant gains with impending losses. He quips about the Dow Jones Industrial Average being up by nearly a billion points, only to predict a swift downturn the next day. This sets the tone for an episode filled with satire on economic instability.

Notable Quote:

Jon Stewart [00:01]: "The stockbrokers jumping up into their windows. Tomorrow, of course, the Dow will be down 500 because we are being with."

2. Satire on Financial Analysts and Media

Stewart mockingly critiques financial analysts and media portrayals of the economy. He introduces fictitious characters like Art Cashin and Heinrich Octobox, highlighting the often absurd nature of financial jargon and the overcomplication in financial reporting.

Notable Quotes:

Jon Stewart [02:30]: "Art Cashin, director of floor trading for UBS. Art Cash in. How beautiful is that?"

Jon Stewart [03:15]: "I cannot believe we ever as a society got by with just eight. Now, I know what you're thinking. I see nine or more boxes at the same time."

3. Addressing the Credit Crunch and Government Response

The discussion shifts to the credit crunch, with references to Treasury Secretary Paulson's strategies. Stewart sarcastically dismisses the idea of injecting capital into banks, drawing parallels to Japan's prolonged economic stagnation.

Notable Quotes:

Jon Stewart [04:51]: "Stupid Japanese. Always injecting money. Perverts. Besides, we all know the Japanese solution didn't even work."

Wyatt Cenac [05:20]: "Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson plans to inject money directly into the nation's banks that need it."

4. The Myth of Gold as a Safe Investment

In a segment highlighting the misconception of gold as a foolproof investment, Stewart and guest John Hodgman deconstruct the allure of gold. They humorously debate its practicality and intrinsic value, ultimately mocking the idea of gold as an impregnable financial safeguard.

Notable Quotes:

Jon Stewart [06:27]: "You'd think so, but it turns out gold's just a shiny metal for right now. I mean, really shiny, but it's still just metal."

John Hodgman [17:34]: "You can't make a commemorative coin out of helium. First rule of invest elements, John. Noble gases. Bull returns. Goodbye."

5. The Wild Ride of the Stock Market and Cryptocurrency

Stewart delves into the unpredictable nature of the stock market, likening it to a "casino without the buffets." The segment covers the dramatic fluctuations in stock and cryptocurrency markets, emphasizing the irrationality and panic among investors.

Notable Quotes:

Wyatt Cenac [20:31]: "The Dow surged after President Trump talked about an economic stimulus plan."

Jon Stewart [22:28]: "Well, eyes on Wall Street once again. This morning was yesterday. The stocks plummeted, pushing the S&P 500 officially into bear market territory."

Wyatt Cenac [25:15]: "Crypto is crashing even harder with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high. [...] if an 80-year-old man who doesn't even know what bitcoin is can crash your crypto, then your crypto ain't shit."

6. Conclusions and Final Thoughts

Concluding the episode, Stewart reinforces the chaotic state of the economy with sharp wit and irony. He underscores the pervasive uncertainty in financial markets and the misguided faith investors place in volatile assets like cryptocurrencies and precious metals.

Notable Quotes:

Jon Stewart [23:35]: "Don't panic. The truth of the matter is. Don't panic."

Wyatt Cenac [26:42]: "They made it seem like it was a parachute that would protect us all from the economy. And then now the plane is crashing, and then it turns out the parachute is attached to the plane. You're like, what is this? Oh, it's all going down."

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Key Takeaways

• Economic Instability: The episode humorously highlights the unpredictable nature of the stock market and economic downturns.

• Media Critique: Stewart satirizes the financial media's tendency to complicate and dramatize economic issues.

• Investment Myths: There's a pointed critique of commonly held beliefs about gold and cryptocurrencies as safe investments.

• Government Measures: The show mocks governmental responses to financial crises, questioning their effectiveness and sincerity.

• Investor Behavior: The unpredictable behavior of investors during market volatility is likened to irrational and panic-driven actions.

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Final Note: The Daily Show: Ears Edition uses sharp humor and satire to dissect the complexities of the financial world, making intricate economic issues accessible and entertaining for its audience.

Transcript

[Jon Stewart]

You're listening to Comedy Central. October 13, 2008. From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York, this is the Daily show with Jon Stewart. Welcome to the Dallas Show. My name is Jon Stewart. I hope everybody had a great weekend there. For a second I thought everybody was leaving. Tonight on the show, we got a good one. Author Amity Schlaiz is going to be joining us. She has written a book on the Great Depression or as it's soon to be known, the First Great Depression. GD1. Now, it might seem strange to be discussing an economic downturn today as the Dow Jones Industrial was up nearly a billion points. It was up 1000 points on rumors that money does in fact grow on trees. That's what they were spreading around. It was very exciting. Everybody was excited for one day to see the stockbrokers jumping up into their windows. Tomorrow, of course, the dow will be down 500 because we are being with. But no matter what happens, there's still good fun to be had during these tough economic times. I know it's rough, the economy, but there's going to be an amusing tidbit if you just look hard enough. For instance, how about an unbelievably inappropriately named financial analyst. The stock market is open tomorrow, Columbus Day. And Art Cashin, director of floor trading for ubs. Art Cash in. How beautiful is that? And after Art Cash in, we go to rob a bank. That's the best, the best thing I saw in all this terrible news. Cash In. I shouldn't have laughed. Actually. My real name is John Smartass. Douchebag Stein. And financial advisors don't just have funny names. They're also presented on the financial networks in a humorous fashion. A few weeks ago we showed you CNBC's incredible OctaBox technology. Octabox. It's named of course for its creator, German scientist Heinrich Octobox. That's right. That's another funny name we're working on Columbus Day. Where you at? The Octabox, of course, unveiled when seven commentators couldn't properly analyze the situation. But these are tough times. What if eight pundits isn't enough? What if the enormity of this economic collapse is so huge that even 8 of the financial industry's smallest headed people can't figure it out. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on CNBC, behold the majesty of the decabox. 10 pundits, 10 boxes. I cannot believe we ever as a society got by with just eight. Now, I know what you're thinking. I see nine or More boxes at the same time. I. I better see Bruce in one of those squares. And who knows? Maybe he's in one of these boxes. I can't make out any of their faces. Maybe 10 is too much. Maybe we're just not ready. Maybe one of them has to go, and there's really only one fair way to do it. All right, Chuck, you ready? No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies. And stop. No. That was. That was. That was a long walk for that joke. Anyway, that was Vince Farrell, CIO of Soleil securities Group Incorporated, who I thought had added a lot to the conversation up to that point. So what are we going to do to ease the credit crunch and get banks loaning money again? Well, last month, Treasury Secretary Paulson made clear what we won't do. Thank you.

[John Hodgman]

By the way.

[Jon Stewart]

There are some that said we should.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Just go and stick capital in the banks. That's what happened in Japan.

[Jon Stewart]

But we said the right way to do this is not going around and using guarantees or injecting capital. That's the Japanese solution. Stupid Japanese. Always injecting money. Perverts. Besides, we all know the Japanese solution didn't even work. Their economy's been stagnant for 15 years. There's no way we're ever going to be so desperate as to try this.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson plans to inject money directly into the nation's banks that need it.

[Jon Stewart]

Turning Japanese, I think. Attorney Japanese? I really think so. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I'm a bad dancer. For more on the financial meltdown, we go to senior financial analyst Wyatt Sinak. Wyatt, thanks very much for joining us. We very much appreciate you being here. Tough times. Sorry. This wild market activity we've been seeing. Why people are scared.

[Paul Salman]

Not just scared, John. Scared. There's a big difference.

[Jon Stewart]

Why the volatility, Wyatt? Why?

[Paul Salman]

Well, volatility frequently occurs when everyone suddenly realizes that the stock market's just a consensual mass delusion based on fictitious valuings of abstract assets. You know, it's like finding out Santa Claus is real because you catch him robbing your house.

[Jon Stewart]

So what is stable then is. Is. If it's all fix, what about gold?

[Paul Salman]

You'd think so, but it turns out gold's just a shiny metal for right now. I mean, really shiny, but it's still just metal. But right now, you want to put your investment dollars in things you can eat and.

[Jon Stewart]

No, no, it's true. Things are delicious.

[Paul Salman]

And weapons, you Also want to put it in weapons so that you can kill things and then eat them. Ooh, and make sure you buy some fire, too, because you can't keep the marauders away without fire.

[Jon Stewart]

Are there any other tips for investors other than survivalist mantras? Anything to keep them calm.

[Paul Salman]

Well, you know those numbers on the right side of your screen?

[Jon Stewart]

The Dow. The Dow Jones?

[Paul Salman]

No, I think it's called the Uppy Downy Index. Watch that all the time. It's a real time running indicator of the health of the economy. It and it alone reflects not only our country's well being, but your value as a human being as well. Never take your eyes off it.

[Jon Stewart]

Seriously. What?

[Wyatt Cenac]

Shh, shh.

[Paul Salman]

I'm watching them. I've been doing it since Friday. All right, opening bell.

[Wyatt Cenac]

We're down about 700 points.

[Jon Stewart]

Back into positive territory. Up 300 points.

[Paul Salman]

Yes.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Yes.

[Paul Salman]

Yes.

[Wyatt Cenac]

No, no.

[Paul Salman]

What are you doing?

[Wyatt Cenac]

Yes. Yes. Yes. No, no, no, no.

[Paul Salman]

Huzzah.

[Wyatt Cenac]

I'm rich, bitch.

[John Hodgman]

Aw.

[Paul Salman]

Man. I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Jon Stewart]

Wyatt, do you even own. Wyatt, do you even actually own any stock?

[Paul Salman]

No, but I own a boatload of fire.

[Jon Stewart]

Wyatt Cenac, everybody. We'll be right back. The continued confusion economy is the subject of tonight's cluster to the poorhouse. You know, during an economic crisis, Americans need steady, sober leadership. Now, they say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them. And then there's this guy who. Who couldn't buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great. Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm pleased to be here at Guernsey Office Products. Thank you very much, David, for being an entrepreneur, a dreamer, a doer, a dreamer. I run an office supply store. Don't patronize me. You underestimate my dreaming capacity, Mr. President. I sell highlighters, but my dream is to play performance poker into Bang. The Olsen twins, please. But with the economy vacillating between disastrous and disastrous, even for South America, the President proved he still wasn't afraid to take questions from a carefully selected group. I want to just say thank you very much for understanding the importance of credit.

[Wyatt Cenac]

I thank you so much.

[Jon Stewart]

You've been really working hard. Thanks for hanging in there.

[Wyatt Cenac]

You really did a great job. Because I really wasn't until I just heard you speak. Well, thank you.

[Jon Stewart]

Guernsey Office Products. What could that be a front for? In fact, only one person there, the guts to take President Bush to task.

[Wyatt Cenac]

My first question as a Small business owner is. What are you going to do about it, President Bush?

[Jon Stewart]

I paid my mortgage, I paid my bills. What are you doing? You're terrible at this. And don't get me started on your foreign policy. You're like the anti King Midas. Everything you touch turns. Then the Secret Service forcibly escorted the President away from himself. Now obviously the economic crisis has real consequences for real people. Which is why it's surprising that the news networks will only explain the crisis to those real people's children. What happens on Wall street affects all of us on Main Street. It's the classic domino effect. Domino, like the pizza. I have a hard time visualizing your point. No, now I get it. Our economy is six dominoes. Hey, that looks pretty good. They seem very stable architecturally. They're all standing upright. No, no, did not see that coming. But if I understand your analogy correctly, and I think that I do, you're saying that for America's economy to get better, we need to space our banks further apart. Or perhaps build them. Build the original lending institutions in a pre flattened state. Ranch style banks if you will. Alright, so you've explained the economy to 9 year olds. But I know a 6 year old with a lot of money in the market and he finds the domino explanation obtuse. We asked our Robert Krulwich to explain.

[Wyatt Cenac]

And he said he could explain it best with a cartoon.

[Jon Stewart]

Let's start with a hundred dollar bill sitting in a bank. In a good economy a banker is going to lend that hundred to say a farmer who says now that I've got the money, I can buy seeds from the seed people, a tractor from the tractor people, spray from the pesticide people. But then this year a bunch of housing loans went bad and bankers got nervous.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Ah, very nervous.

[Jon Stewart]

I like bouncing things. Can anyone explain this to me? Look, I don't run a hedge fund, but my brain is attached to my spinal cord. Anybody? Our economics correspondent Paul Salman will now explain. Thank you. Pbs. Credit default swaps. As of last year, according to an industry group, there were not $62 million, not $62 billion, but $62 trillion worth of credit default swaps out there. Seems to me like the economy is so bad that this guy had to move back in with his gr. Paul Salmon, are you putting the zeros on the coffee table again? No, Grandma, use a coaster. I'll use a coaster. I'm explaining a national calamity. Bring me some juice, dear. Hey, welcome back. You know we just went through like we just went through an insane week. Everything Seems very unpredictable, even terrifying. It's good to know there's one thing we can always count on. There's a storm coming. One we're all going to feel. It's called inflation. Now it's time to buy gold. Gold gives me freedom from all the financial madness in the world. Gold is the time tested currency that goes up, not down. You know, that convicted felon makes a lot of sense. Although if I recall, he didn't think he or Nixon would ever go down either. Gold. It's the ultimate fear hedge. When the dollar fails and the world plunges into a dystopian nightmare. Vicious tribes warring for dwindling necessities, you'll always have gold. Excuse me, good sir. You look like a man who appreciates the finer things. Might I interest you in some Krugerrands in exchange for some of your processed combustion engine fuel? No? Well, how about then I become your wife? Fortunately, that's never going to happen because gold goes up, not down. But we know gold has plunged about 25% from its peak in the middle of 2011. And it got crushed in recent days.

[Wyatt Cenac]

All of a sudden, that trapdoor opened up and gold fell.

[Jon Stewart]

The biggest one day drop in prices in 33 years on Monday with prices falling $140.

[Wyatt Cenac]

I'm calling it a crash. In the last two days, a crash and a half.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, a crash and a half. That is bad news for gold investors and also a terrible movie sequel. So it turns out gold reacts to supply, demand, fear and hubris like every other commodity in the history of markets. Unless the only thing I have to.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Fear is the government. Quite frankly, the government lying to you, the media not telling you the truth. I mean, gold is the original gold standard and something doesn't smell right.

[Jon Stewart]

I've missed you so much. So the choice is clear. Either an irrationally overpriced commodity had a totally normal, predictable price correction, or everyone in the world's free markets, media and government is lying to trick us into selling our precious pot of gold. If we can't trust the CNBC ticker, who should we listen to?

[Wyatt Cenac]

Don't listen to anyone but yourself. Do your own homework, use your common.

[Jon Stewart]

Sense and then listen to the ultimate advisor, God. You know what? You are absolutely right. Just out of curiosity, let me see here. What does God say about idolizing gold as if it has supernatural powers? Let me see here. Job 31, right here. Job 31. If I have put my trust in gold or said to pure gold, you are my security, I would have been unfaithful To God on high. That's kind of ambiguous. All right, let's try another one. Ah, Exodus, my favorite. Chapter 32. Oh, what a great sin these people have committed. They have made themselves gods of gold. Or in other words, idolaters. I believe that's a sell. You know the whole point of turning to God for gold?

[John Hodgman]

For once, John, I think we have something we can agree on.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, my God. It's deranged millionaire. Jon Hosman. You are still a millionaire, right? You are still a millionaire, right? Or did you lose it all in gold?

[John Hodgman]

John, I'm no rube. What would I want with some tawdry nugget that any smelly prospector with a pan can scoop out of a country crick?

[Jon Stewart]

I know, John. It's ridiculous to think this random substance has some intrinsic value that's immune to market fortune.

[John Hodgman]

It's completely ridiculous, John. I mean, gold, It's.

[Jon Stewart]

No.

[John Hodgman]

Beryllium.

[Jon Stewart]

Yes. It's what? Beryllium.

[John Hodgman]

Yes, that's a different random substance. But this one is immune to market forces. Here, let me show you on my periodic table of invest elements. Now, here is gold. That is garbage. Platinum and silver going the same way.

[Jon Stewart]

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

[John Hodgman]

So what do you want to invest in, John?

[Jon Stewart]

Helium is always fun parties, I guess. Helium?

[John Hodgman]

You can't make a commemorative coin out of helium. First rule of invest elements, John. Noble gases. Bull returns. Goodbye.

[Jon Stewart]

But beryllium. You're talking about beryllium.

[John Hodgman]

Ah, Beryllium. All understand instinctively the timeless allure of beryllium. That's where all deranged millionaires put our money. And now, thanks to me, so can you. Oh, hey. I'm John Hodgman for beryllium. You know, don't let people scare you into buying gold. Let me scare you into buying beryllium. Prized by human civilization since 1957 for its drab gray color, beryllium is as versatile as it is solid. Look at these beautiful dimes. Now that I've coated them in rare beryllium dust, I'm selling them for $300,000. Now, Beryllium's not just for coating coins. It can also be fashioned into some beautiful jewelry. Beryllium. Invest in the future. Caution. Do not fashion into beautiful jewelry. Beryllium is highly corrosive to human skin. Beryllium is a category 1 carcinogen. Inhalation of beryllium dust causes a lung disease known as berrelliosis.

[Jon Stewart]

It's burning my hand. Wow, that's an intriguing product. I can't help noticing you're Losing some hair now.

[John Hodgman]

Well, the risks are outlined. Another molar. So how much, really? Can I put you down for a job?

[Jon Stewart]

All right, I'll get back to you. Thank you very much. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. John Hodgeman.

[Wyatt Cenac]

The stock market, it's like a casino without the buffets. And for the last 24 hours, it's been on a wild ride.

[Jon Stewart]

Breaking news tonight, market meltdown.

[John Hodgman]

As the coronavirus spreads, stocks take a nosedive.

[Jon Stewart]

The Dow closing down more than 2,000 points. The market's worst day since the 2008 financial crisis. Wall Street's wild ride continued today.

[Wyatt Cenac]

The Dow surged after President Trump talked.

[Jon Stewart]

About an economic stimulus plan. You see, stocks rallied in that final hour of trading, up all 1,100 points.

[Wyatt Cenac]

And finished the day at 2518. Man, the stock market is crazy. Yesterday, it crashes. Then today it surges again. Like, it's so extra right now. It's always weird to me how the stock market never seems to have any sense of history, right? Cause it's like everything that happens is happening forever. And then everything that's good is happening forever. It's almost like the way dogs think. That's who seems like they run the stock market, right? Cause that's how dogs are. Whatever's happening, it's happening forever. When you leave the house, they're just like, oh, no, you're leaving. You're going. You're going forever. I'm gonna starve. I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. And then you come back, they're like, you're home. You're never gonna leave. This is so great. We're gonna do something. Wait, you're going again? I'm gonna die. Just breathe. Stock market. But, yes, the stock market dropped 2,000 points yesterday, wiping out $528 billion, which, I'll be honest, I never understand. Cause, like, where did it go? What do you mean you lost 528 billion? Like, what is. What is that? Every time they say that, I'm like, have you? That's where most of the money is. And a lot of people are afraid of the market these days. But I'm. I'm making money consistently on the stock market. I'll. I'll even share my tip with you guys. Forget investing in companies. What I do is I put all my money in green lines that go up and red lines that go down. Yeah, I make a fortune no matter what. I also don't understand finance. And I normally don't feel sorry for Wall street, but with the coronavirus I feel like they're going through a lot. Yeah. Because the one thing guys on Wall street like to do when Wall street is crashing is the one thing you're not allowed to do because of Corona. Put your hands on your face. Yeah. So they spent all day yesterday like, oh, no, my money. Oh, no Corona. Oh, no, my money.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, no corona.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Big news from the stock market. You know the app that they pre install on your phone to make you feel dumb? Since the stock market recovered from the COVID tumble in 2020, Wall street has been having a blast. And the more stocks you owned, the better time you were having. Which is why Warren Buffett has got those new grills. But over the last year, inflation has been rising. The Federal Reserve has been raising interest rates to cool the economy down. And now it looks like the good times in the stock market might be officially over.

[Jon Stewart]

Well, eyes on Wall street once again. This morning was yesterday. The stocks plummeted, pushing the s and P500 officially into bear market territory.

[Wyatt Cenac]

The Dow Jones industrials now 16% lower for the year. The tech and biotech heavy NASDAQ down 30% year to date.

[Jon Stewart]

And the broader S and P index.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Common in Americans portfolios, sliding into bear market territory, down 21% this year. Real money that Americans invest to one day retire, pay for kids college or a new house. The advice from most financial experts, despite.

[Jon Stewart]

The high stress and the anxiety, don't panic.

[Wyatt Cenac]

There's no need to panic.

[Jon Stewart]

The truth of the matter is. Don't panic.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Sorry, what did they say? I was too busy chugging that comically large bottle of Xanax. I'm not panic, by the way. I'm just addicted to pills. But yes, people, these are scary times for stocks because we are now officially in a bear market, which is when people are so broke they have to blow Paddington in a parking lot. Oh, heavens. Oh, heavens. Oh, heavens. Now, obviously I'm joking. Joking. Paddington doesn't have a penis. A bear market is basically when the S and p has dropped 20% from its previous high, which for many can be very stressful.

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Cenac]

Right now, everyone who's looking at their E Trade account feels like the same way you look when, you know when you're looking at your ex's wedding photos on Instagram, you're just like, why? Why do I keep looking?

[Jon Stewart]

Why?

[Wyatt Cenac]

Why am I. Oh, I hit, like, by mistake. No, I liked it. Now I have to comment. I wish you all the best. But even if you don't own stocks, a bear market is often a signal that a Recession might be coming and that affects everybody. The economy slows down, unemployment goes up, Africans become president, and your mom starts buying the generic cereals with the knockoff mascots. Yeah, Terry the tiger says they're adequate. And by the way, it's not just the stock market that's falling right now. Yeah, crypto is crashing even harder with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high. Which I find really interesting because for like the past 10 years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed. You heard them, they were everywhere. Crypto people would act like you were the crazy one for not investing your life savings into a coin some Swedish teenager invented last week. Oh, you not in doggy monkey coin. What a loser. You know what's even crazier is that the crypto crowd is blaming Biden for this. And look, no, here's the thing, here's the thing. You can blame a president for a lot of things. Inflation, unemployment, not being able to cheer for your son Brandon at a soccer game without it becoming a whole thing. But you can't blame him for crypto. No, my man, if an 80 year old man who doesn't even know what bitcoin is can crash your crypto, then your crypto ain't shit. I said it. Yeah, I know you're mad that your Jenga tower fell down, but that's what happens when you play Jenga. Cause remember, like, this is why that's what they said to everybody. They said, oh, the crypto is gonna save you from the market. That's what crypto is.

[Jon Stewart]

It protects you.

[Wyatt Cenac]

They made it seem like it was a parachute that would protect us all from the economy. And then now the plane is crashing, and then it turns out the parachute is attached to the plane. You're like, what is this? Oh, it's all going down. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcast, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus Paramount Podcasts.