TDS Time Machine | Tax Day

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – "TDS Time Machine | Tax Day" Summary

Release Date: April 12, 2025
Host: Jon Stewart and The Daily Show News Team
Guests: Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Lewis Black, Ed Helms, Michael Costa, Trevor Noah

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1. Tax Day Chaos and Symbolic Protests

Stephen Colbert kicks off the episode by addressing the annual frenzy surrounding Tax Day on April 15th. He humorously suggests moving the date to the 16th to alleviate the last-minute scramble, only to acknowledge the tendency of human nature to procrastinate. However, this year introduces unexpected twists.

[00:38] Stephen Colbert:
"Everybody is always scrambling at the last minute on April 15th to get their taxes done. So let's make tax day the 16th. Problem solved."

The discussion shifts to the resurgence of Tea Party-style protests across the nation, where citizens symbolize their discontent with high taxes and government spending.

John Oliver:
"Tax Tea Party day today."

Lewis Black:
"So called tea parties."

The hosts mock the metaphorical use of "tea" to represent taxes, highlighting the irony and futility of these protests.

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2. Corporate Sponsorship and the Tea Party Movement

Stephen Colbert satirizes Fox News' involvement in sponsoring Tea Party events, suggesting that the network's branding implies ownership and endorsement of the movement.

[03:33] Stephen Colbert:
"Corporate sponsorship provided by FOX News, the news you watch when news isn't what you want."

The segment critiques how media corporations may co-opt grassroots movements for their own agendas, diluting the original intent of public dissent.

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3. Tax Cuts: Fairness and Economic Implications

The episode delves into the recent extension of President Bush's tax cut package, emphasizing the disparity in benefits between the wealthy and the average American.

Lewis Black provides a satirical breakdown, illustrating that the majority of the $70 billion tax cuts favor individuals earning over $200,000 annually.

[05:22] Stephen Colbert:
"The issue is a lot of people are upset not so much at the tax cut, but who the tax cut appears to be aimed at."

Lewis Black:
"If this pie chart represents the 70 billion in tax cuts, then the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year."

The conversation highlights the growing income inequality, questioning the efficacy and fairness of tax policies that disproportionately benefit the wealthy.

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4. Economic Stimulus Package and IRS Rebates

In the "Back in Black" segment, Ed Helms and John Oliver discuss the administration's economic stimulus package, which includes IRS-issued rebate checks intended to boost consumer spending.

[09:50] Ed Helms:
"The President is ready to bail us out with an economic stimulus package."

The hosts mock the simplicity and potential pitfalls of these rebates, such as scams mimicking IRS communications and the unrealistic expectations of how recipients will utilize the funds.

[12:08] Ed Helms:
"At the end of the day, this stimulus plan is about Americans saving an economy destroyed by America's love of buying crap."

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5. Wealthy Americans and Tax Avoidance

Stephen Colbert introduces a segment featuring findings from ProPublica, which reveal that some of the wealthiest Americans, including Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, have paid little to no federal income taxes in certain years.

[21:50] Stephen Colbert:
"ProPublica found Elon Musk paid no federal income tax. Neither did Jeff Bezos in 2007 or 2011."

Lewis Black:
"Everything that they did is in keeping with our tax code."

The discussion underscores the loopholes and legal strategies that allow billionaires to minimize their tax liabilities, exacerbating public frustration over economic inequality.

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6. Trevor Noah’s Insight on American Tax and Money Practices

Trevor Noah offers a comprehensive critique of the American tax system and monetary practices, comparing them unfavorably to those of other countries. He highlights the complexity of tax filing, the arbitrary nature of tipping, and the inefficiency of U.S. currency designs.

[24:14] Trevor Noah:
"America decided that filing taxes should be as quick and painless as getting a root canal at the DMV."

Noah emphasizes the inefficiencies and cultural peculiarities that make financial transactions and obligations in the U.S. uniquely cumbersome and stressful.

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7. Conclusion and Call to Action

Wrapping up the episode, the hosts reinforce the ongoing issues related to tax policies and economic disparities. They urge listeners to engage with their congresspersons to advocate for fairer tax laws, emphasizing the importance of collective action in addressing systemic financial inequities.

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Notable Quotes with Attribution and Timestamps

• Stephen Colbert ([00:38]):
  "Everybody is always scrambling at the last minute on April 15th to get their taxes done."

• Lewis Black ([06:14]):
  "They don't call economics the dismal science because it's fair."

• John Oliver ([09:52]):
  "People were encouraged to be consumers."

• Michael Costa ([17:16]):
  "If you're going to do this, then you can end up in Hawaii and just be in just as nice location."

• Trevor Noah ([24:14]):
  "Tax season... is a sign that something is wrong."

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Final Thoughts

"TDS Time Machine | Tax Day" delivers a sharp, humorous critique of the American tax system, highlighting the disparities in tax benefits, the ineffectiveness of symbolic protests, and the convoluted nature of tax filing processes. Through witty banter and insightful commentary, the episode encourages listeners to reflect on the fairness and functionality of current economic policies.

Transcript

[Jon Stewart]

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy April 15th. It's tax day. Or as Wesley Snipes calls it. Huh? What? What was I supposed to. Oh, oh, I have to make a call. Of course. It's a mad rush. Everybody is scrambling to get their returns done by the deadline. It is a mess. I have a solution, ladies and gentlemen. Everybody is always scrambling at the last minute on April 15th to get their taxes done. So let's make tax day the 16th. That way everybody can just relax. Problem solved. Unless I have fundamentally misunderstood human nature, and I don't think I have. But this year, tax day has some other kind of big surprises in store.

[John Oliver]

Tax Tea Party day today.

[Lewis Black]

So called tea parties.

[John Oliver]

Tea parties. Tea parties.

[Lewis Black]

Tea parties.

[John Oliver]

Hundreds of tea parties.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did you hear that, Mr. Bartholomew? A tea party. I hope we're invited. I'll bring my signature cucumber sandwiches. The secret is I use real cucumbers. It is that kind of tea party, right?

[Ed Helms]

Tea. In this case, tea stands for taxed. Enough already. Folks across country organizing all these tea parties today to start sort of symbolic protests of high taxes and excess government spending.

[Stephen Colbert]

Protesting high taxes. Good luck selling that one. I mean, if there's one thing I know about the American people, they love baseball, kicking ass and paying taxes to the government, and discreetly build hotel porn.

[Lewis Black]

So.

[Stephen Colbert]

Four things. This is like the Boston Tea Party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The tea part is just a metaphor.

[Lewis Black]

Look, this truck right here, as you.

[John Oliver]

Can see, has 1 million teabags.

[Lewis Black]

That's what a million bags of tea looks like.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million teabags? Are you protesting taxes or irony? But clearly the tea parties are a big story. Hundreds of tax protests all over the country. Thousands of disgruntled people of non color taking to the streets. And it wouldn't be possible without the sponsors. Like discontent, the emotion you feel when you don't get what you want. And tea, the drink you order when they don't have what you want. And corporate sponsorship provided by FOX News, the news you watch when news isn't what you want.

[John Oliver]

Don't forget our big tax Day Tea Party. I will be in Atlanta April 15.

[Stephen Colbert]

Foxnews.Com AmericasNewsroom we have an entire section.

[John Oliver]

Devoted to the growing Tea Party movement. It's a movement that is sweeping the nation.

[Michael Costa]

It is a grassroots movement.

[Ed Helms]

This is a organic grassroots movement.

[John Oliver]

This is a nationwide phenomenon. It's free and open to the public.

[Trevor Noah]

I'm inviting everybody right now.

[Lewis Black]

Just get out and let your face be seen.

[John Oliver]

Should I start begging for people to come? I invite you to be a part of one of them. Bring your kids.

[Lewis Black]

Experience history.

[Stephen Colbert]

Kids, don't get in that guy's van. Don't do it. So while it may look to the untrained eye that a news organization is sponsoring a grassroots partisan tax revolt, it would be a very narrow reading.

[Lewis Black]

Fox is not sponsoring any of them, but we have been covering them.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know if you understand what sponsorship means. You may not be paying for the honor, but when you put your network's initials in front of the words Tea Party, as in FNC Tax Day tea parties, it implies, if not direct sponsorship, a certain amount of ownership. For instance, Tostitos Fiesta bowl or the Buick Invitational or Larry Flint's Hustler Club. By the way, great neighbors one block down to the right, this afternoon, President Bush signed into law the extension of his tax cut package, a $70 billion give back despite a deficit that stands around $300 trillion. Here to provide some insight is our resident expert John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for that.

[John Oliver]

Good evening.

[Stephen Colbert]

I guess the issue is a lot of people are upset not so much at the tax cut, but who the tax cut appears to be aimed at.

[Lewis Black]

Well, it's true that these reductions in capital gains and dividend taxes tend to favor those people who already have money to invest. You can see here how the money will be apportioned. If this pie chart represents the 70 billion in tax cuts, then the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year, or as the government refers to them, citizens. But most working Americans fall at the other end of the income spectrum. So your audience, for example, college students, bloggers, panhandlers, deadbeats, that sort of thing. We'll call them the Morlocks. They will receive less of the pie, which is fine as the Morlocks are some underground dwellers who Eat human flesh and don't really like pie.

[Stephen Colbert]

The way you've explained the tax cuts, it really doesn't seem very fair.

[Lewis Black]

Well, fairness isn't the point. They don't call economics the dismal science because it's fair.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I suppose not.

[Lewis Black]

No, no, they call it that after sir eustace Dismal, the 18th century English economist who proposed making smokestacks out of children.

[Stephen Colbert]

I, I actually, I never knew.

[Lewis Black]

It was a very interesting proposal, but ultimately flawed. I mean, if you make the smokestacks out of children, who are you forced to clean them? It's referred to as Dismal's paradox.

[Stephen Colbert]

John, what is the economic. What is the economic justification for extending the tax cuts?

[Lewis Black]

Well, the idea is that tax cuts stimulate the overall economy by encouraging investment at the top and creating thus jobs at every level of society. Be they butlers, diamond tipped cane polishers or monocle smiths.

[Stephen Colbert]

It may be true in theory, but it does seem in recent years that the gap between rich and poor, between.

[Lewis Black]

The citizens and Morlocks.

[Stephen Colbert]

The gap between citizens and Morlocks has widened under these programs.

[Lewis Black]

Yes, if you define rich and poor in traditional ways. This administration wants Americans to understand that wealth is not the only measure of riches. Look at Dick Cheney. Financially he's obscenely wealthy, but he's clearly unhappy. I wouldn't be surprised if he's visited by no less than three ghosts a night.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know the. You're saying that he could be visited by more than three ghosts?

[Lewis Black]

Yeah, well, you know, Ghost of Christmas Past, present, future, pluperfect, Ghost of Christmas subjunctive.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now those are not ghosts. I believe those are tenses.

[Lewis Black]

Whatever. My point is, rather than wasting time bemoaning these tax cuts, John Q. Used to be middle class and now eats salt and pepper sandwiches. Should rejoice. He'll never have the problems of, say, a wealthy man who sits embittered and henpecked trapped in his deluxe apartment in the sky. Rather, the average American can now enjoy the far richer life led by a carefree young man surrounded by a loving religious family with lots of leisure time to pursue his painting. Good times, John.

[Stephen Colbert]

For your examples, you've actually cited fictional characters and in fact the people who play them are quite wealthy.

[Lewis Black]

Not Jimmy JJ Walker. I don't, I don't think so. No.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back after this. When a news story falls to the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.

[Ed Helms]

Whether you say our economy's in a Recession or a slowdown or a war on money. One thing's for sure. The American people are literally losing their shirts off their back. Just look at this poor young orphan. At least I assume she's an orphan. What kind of parents would let that happen? Fortunately, the President is ready to bail us out with an economic stimulus package. There's two aspects to that package I want to spend some time talking about.

[John Oliver]

One of them is, is that you're.

[Ed Helms]

Going to get some money. Finally, a waste of the taxpayers money I can get behind. But I'm sorry, you said there were two aspects to the package.

[John Oliver]

Secondly, we wanted to make sure that.

[Ed Helms]

People were encouraged to be consumers.

[John Oliver]

Thirdly, it turns out that this money.

[Ed Helms]

Is going to be very helpful. And fourthly, it's big enough. Fourthly. Fourthly, who wouldn't trust an economic plan from that guy? So how's it work? Well, right now the IRS is sending out rebate checks of $600 per person and $1,200 per couple. But that's not all.

[John Oliver]

If you got a kid, you can get up to $300 per child.

[Ed Helms]

$300 per child? I can get twice that on the black market. Naturally, the administration thinks the rebate is the best thing since slice taxes.

[John Oliver]

And I hope you're pleased that rather.

[Stephen Colbert]

Than dreaming up some new programs, your government has decided to give you money, give you cash so you can decide how best to use it.

[Ed Helms]

Finally, I get to use my tax money the way I want to. I wonder who I can invade for $600. But how are John and JQ public going to spend their windfall?

[Lewis Black]

I'll use it to pay bills. What I don't use to pay a bill will probably I just put in the bank and save.

[Ed Helms]

You're gonna pay your bills. Maybe I'd believe you more if you weren't standing in a Best Buy. Unless your bank is inside one of those ipod docking stations. At least he wasn't standing in a fireworks and porn store. That's where I'd be. But there's also a dark side to the stimulus package.

[Stephen Colbert]

Con men are impersonating the IRS pretending.

[Michael Costa]

To give you your tax refund.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or one of those rebate checks meant.

[John Oliver]

To kick start the economy. The scam emails sure look legit, grabbing.

[Lewis Black]

Your attention with headers like IRS notification.

[John Oliver]

Please read this. And to collect your money, all you have to do is just click here.

[Ed Helms]

Maybe I can help. Don't click there. At the end of the day, this stimulus plan is about Americans to save an economy destroyed by America's love of buying crap. Will it work? Well, I've got 600 lottery tickets that say I don't care. John Lewis.

[Stephen Colbert]

Lewis Black, everybody. We'll be right back.

[Jon Stewart]

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24,7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, a week before Earth day was of course, tax day. April 15. As the economy continues to ride a wave of instability, many are looking for new and innovative ways to cheat. I'm sorry, Save on their taxes. Our own Ed Helms investigates one very interesting option.

[John Oliver]

For most Americans, paying taxes costs money, but it doesn't have to. A quick reading of the US Tax code will tell you you need to hire an accounting firm. And what they'll tell you is what they've told thousands of American corporations. Taxes are for douchebags. That's why smart companies have moved offshore where they don't have to pay taxes. You may be saying, but I live in America. Well, that doesn't mean your money has to come on. There's no better place to shelter your income than offshore right here in the beautiful Cayman Islands. It's a tropical tax haven. Sheltering your money here couldn't be easier. After choosing which SPF to use, the next toughest decision is which of the Cayman's 600 banks to go with. See if you can figure out why I chose this one. Well, hello. How hard would it be for me to move my company offshore? There are a lot of legality things.

[Stephen Colbert]

That you do have to go through.

[John Oliver]

Right? Of course there are laws.

[Stephen Colbert]

There are no laws. There are legitimate laws. We have stringent legislation.

[John Oliver]

People can't just bring their money here in suitcases anymore. Right, but apparently that explanation isn't good enough for tax lovers like CPA John Lieberman.

[Michael Costa]

According to the US treasury, billions upon billions of dollars are lost by the use of these offshore tax havens by US Corporations.

[John Oliver]

These corporations are just trying to maximize profits.

[Michael Costa]

Well, there's a difference between maximizing profits and not paying taxes.

[John Oliver]

God, that's good.

[Michael Costa]

Excuse me?

[Trevor Noah]

No, I meant what you just said was really good.

[Michael Costa]

At the end of the day, all they're doing is Moving paper around.

[John Oliver]

It's legal.

[Michael Costa]

No, it's not legal. The registration and the incorporated.

[John Oliver]

Did you get me a receipt for that pina colada?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, no.

[John Oliver]

Sorry.

[Michael Costa]

What the registration and the reincorporation is. But the actual interpretation. Most people do not follow the real regulations.

[Stephen Colbert]

The regulations. In the Cayman Islands, the financial regulations are very stringent.

[John Oliver]

Gee, who should I listen to? That's better. Oh, yeah. There we go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Little more.

[Ed Helms]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You just can't drop money in for no reason without us asking lots of questions.

[John Oliver]

We have to do our due diligence on you. You can do your due diligence on me anytime. But how do over 30,000 corporations manage to squeeze onto such a small island? One visit to Tycho's headquarters showed us the answer is smart use of space. Mr. Chairman. Hello, Mr. Chairman. I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is this a value package? Despite all the advantages of setting up shop here, some people just don't get it. What's the bfd? If a corporation wants to put its headquarters in the Cayman Islands.

[Michael Costa]

What I really believe is that if you're going to do this, then you can end up in Hawaii and just be in just as nice location.

[Ed Helms]

Hawaii?

[John Oliver]

Hawaii is for losers who like taking it up the irs. High five.

[Michael Costa]

As I said, by not having the corporation.

[Ed Helms]

My boobs calling out.

[John Oliver]

Not enough. Say that again.

[Ed Helms]

You cut out John.

[Michael Costa]

They are not.

[John Oliver]

John, I'm getting really bad reception.

[Michael Costa]

Could you speak up, please?

[John Oliver]

I can't hear you.

[Michael Costa]

I can hear you now. Can you hear me?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Michael Costa]

Damn. Maxim, there's some kind of loud humming noise.

[John Oliver]

I can't. I just can't hear you, dude. I'm sorry, buddy. You're breaking up. You're breaking up. Of course, life in the Caymans isn't all business.

[Stephen Colbert]

At about 7:00, the shoes are off, the jacket's off and we know how to have fun.

[John Oliver]

That's a relief because if I had to do any more banking, I'd have to put my balls on ice.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ed Helms. We'll be right back.

[John Oliver]

For more on the proposed tax cuts.

[Michael Costa]

We turn to a man who's watched Wolf of Wall street three times. Michael Costa, everybody.

[John Oliver]

Bonjour, Trev. That's Rich for. Hello.

[Michael Costa]

Okay, uh, Acosta, hopefully you can explain. Trump already gave wealthy people a huge tax cut last year. Why give them another one?

[John Oliver]

Uh, cool. It would declass warfare. Ocasio Cortez. Okay, just. It just so happens that anyone can take advantage of these tax cut. Say you made a cool mill last year off a $10 million hedge fund investment. Now, you can re index that baseline 2% to account for inflation, which means you just got an extra 30k. That'll cover my penis reduction surgery. Am I right, Trevor? I could even loan you a couple inches. I'm just kidding. I know you got a H.

[Trevor Noah]

Most.

[Michael Costa]

People don't have $10 million. We. We're talking about the middle class.

[John Oliver]

Okay, middle class, that's fine. Let's say you're a middle class yacht owner, like 35ft max. Couldn't land a helicopter on that thing. You can just use these cuts as a tax shelter. Borrow 500,000 to invest in your buddy Dino's revenge porn business. Then you can deduct that interest and only pay tax on the inflation adjusted gains. Trevor, I say cha, you say ching. Cha.

[Jon Stewart]

Cha.

[John Oliver]

Cha. Do you want to say cha?

[Michael Costa]

Kosta, I. I feel like there's no way you actually understand what you just said.

[John Oliver]

Of course I don't, Trevor. That's why I have a broker. He'll clear this up.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

Hey, Chandler, what's up, you bitch? Yeah, I'm trying to. I'm trying to explain monies to my boss. How's this tax thing work again? What? Right now? You are right. Go, go. I'll see you at polo. I got his voicemail.

[Michael Costa]

Kosta, why do you have a broker, Man? I know for a fact that you're not rich.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, not yet. But Donald Trump promised Americans that we're all gonna be rich. And he's never lied before. So call me poor Trev. Don't call me poor Trevor. Call me pre Rich.

[Michael Costa]

So, okay, wait, wait. Then how much is your net worth right now?

[John Oliver]

How much is an iPhone worth?

[Michael Costa]

About $900.

[John Oliver]

Well, then I'm worth $900, baby.

[Michael Costa]

What up, Michael Costa, everyone? We'll be right back.

[Trevor Noah]

He's got a hard.

[Jon Stewart]

Time. Is precious. And so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments. And shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

[Michael Costa]

If you hate paying taxes, first of all, congratulations on being basic. And also, congratulations on being a billionaire.

[John Oliver]

A BombShell report by ProPublica reveals just.

[Stephen Colbert]

How little the wealthiest Americans have been paying in taxes.

[Lewis Black]

ProPublica obtained more than 15 years of.

[Stephen Colbert]

Never before seen IRS information about the 25 richest Americans and found that sometimes.

[John Oliver]

They paid little or no federal income taxes. In 2018, for example, ProPublica found Elon Musk paid no federal income tax. Neither did Jeff Bezos in 2007 or 2011, the same year he claimed a $4,000 child tax credit. And renowned investor Warren Buffett avoided the most tax of any of the billionaires ProPublica looked at, according to the report. As shocking as it is, nothing that.

[Lewis Black]

They did is illegal. Everything that they did is in keeping with our tax code.

[John Oliver]

And the basic reason is we tax income, not wealth. Rich people often grow their fortunes through stocks, real estate, or companies, so they don't have to pay taxes until they sell. And they can offset their income in other ways too. Meaning it's legal to be worth a lot and pay a little.

[Michael Costa]

Oo wee. It's good to be a billionaire. I mean, imagine being so rich that you can afford accountants who make you look poor. Think about it. Jeff Bezos is so good at hiding his wealth that he qualified for a child tax credit. This dude built his own rocket to take him to space. And the US Government is like, hey, brother, here's something for the kids until you can get back on your feet. Hard times, Jeff. And yeah, this is something that everyone already suspected, but it's still shocking to see proof right in front of you. It's the difference between knowing how hot dogs are made and watching them put the puppies in the machines. Yo, that's crazy. Well then what was I eating? And the thing is, much like wearing cargo shorts to the Pride Parade, these tax loopholes are both messed up and completely legal. So if you want to change the system, then you need to take action and write to your congressperson. Then your congressperson can hold your letter in one hand and the campaign check from the billionaire in the other hand and decide which one they want to wipe their ass with.

[Trevor Noah]

I love America. It's the only country where you can get a burger and a liposuction at the same drive through. But as someone who's also lived all around the world, I feel a responsibility to let America know that a lot of the things it does are super weird to the rest of us. And one of those things is how America does money. It's tax season, which right off the bat is a sign that something is wrong. Okay, because taxes shouldn't have a whole season. Seasons are supposed to be for exciting stuff like baseball Season or wedding season or season two of Bridgerton. I can't wait to see which British person is jizzing on who this time. But America decided that filing taxes should be as quick and painless as getting a root Canal at the DMV. I mean, you got your 1099s, you got your form 1040s, you got your schedule Cs, you got your R2D 2s, you got your Blink 182s. You spend days trying to figure out what you owe the government, and then the government tells you if you're right because apparently they knew the whole freaking time. It's like the world's most pointless game show. Aside from the Price is Right, obviously, because nobody should get a new car for knowing how much ketchup costs. Look, I hate to break it to you guys, but in a lot of other countries, the government does all that filing for you. Yeah, they do the math. They send you a statement, and if it looks good, you click ok, and then you're done. It's so easy, a baby could do it. But they don't have to because they're lazy freeloaders who don't pay taxes. It's not just your income taxes. All taxes in America are weird. In a lot of other countries, you see a price on something and that's how much it costs, because that's the whole point of a goddamn price. But no, not in America. When you pay for something in America, they hit you with the surprise sales tax. They're basically catfishing you. I know that $600 TV looks good, but it's lying. It's 650. And it has a secret family. But don't get me wrong. Taxes are far from America's only insane money issue. Okay, I know you guys are used to it, but I need you to realize that the way you tip in this country is not normal everywhere else. A tip is a show of appreciation, not a Gofundme for someone who doesn't earn a living wage. A waiter's ability to pay rent shouldn't depend on how generous Becky feels after three martinis. And the real issue is how arbitrary your tipping is. You tip the guy who delivers your food, but not the guy who delivers your packages. And you tip the person who made your coffee, but not the person who made your Big Mac. And don't even get me started on tip jars. Okay, you don't have to put money in, but if you do, you gotta make a big show of it. I like to shoot my cash into the Jar like a basketball while shouting. He tips, he scores. If you bank it off, the cashier, they usually notice. But as weird as taxes and tipping are in America, let's not forget about the actual money itself, because American physical currency sucks. I don't know if you know this, but in other countries every denomination is a different size because it makes it easier to tell them apart. Especially if you're blind. But apparently blind people don't need to use money in America, because look at this shit. Same exact size, all of it. You gotta look over each individual bill to figure out which slave owner to hand over. And while we're talking about your strange money, who decided a pyramid with a frickin eye was a normal thing to put on the dollar? Hey, rule of thumb, America. If Nick Cage can make a movie about your money, you're doing it wrong. Not to mention the pennies. Like why do these still exist when everyone's just trying to get rid of them? Even convenience stores have that. Take a penny, leave a penny dish. It's like an animal shelter for unwanted money. Did you know that America actually loses money making pennies? If you're gonna have a hobby that loses you money, get a gambling addiction like a normal person. Okay, listen, your whole financial system's stupid and I hate it, alright? The money, the tipping, the taxes. That's why I found a way to avoid dealing with it altogether, all right? The secret is they can't tax you if they don't know you have it. So much easier robbing a bank in Europe.

[Ed Helms]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime.

[Jon Stewart]

On Paramount plus.

[John Oliver]

Paramount Podcasts.

[Jon Stewart]

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 247 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.