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Thanksgiving more than anything, it's about family and friends. But if you don't have any of those either, it's about filling that void with turkey. And even though 45 million of them get slaughtered every year, one lucky bird always gets away with it at the traditional presidential pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey. And here on this farm in Virginia, you'll find all the pardoned turkeys from the last 12 years living out the rest of their days. Where are the turkeys? Ask good old farmer Brown. He knows the breed is genetically designed to grow fast and put on a lot of muscle. Probably much more muscle than their small legs can hold. Well, at least it's not painful, right? You know, it probably does get painful, but we try to keep them as comfortable as possible and let them do what they were supposed to do, which is die. Ah, Thanksgiving's not just about turkeys anyway. It's really about the children. Happy Thanksgiving. The children never forget the thanks in Thanksgiving. What are you guys thankful for? Poodle that I sleep with. The poodle that you sleep with. Okay, a little unsanitary, but sweet. Well, I've been on my underwear. Underwear. What else? What else? And the good food. The food. Now that's Thanksgiving, right? Right. Right. Now, who knows what percentage of Americans are dangerously obese, huh? 40%, right? And 300,000 people die of obesity related illness every year. And you know what that means? More turkey for me. But Thanksgiving's also about history. Now, who else are we thankful for? The Indians. Good, Good. The Indians. After all, they were the honored guests at the first Thanksgiving. But whatever happened to them? We asked Native American George Stonefish what his people will be up to this holiday. All Native Americans identify Thanksgiving as a national day of mourning because they have nothing to be thankful for. Their lands have been taken and they have been oppressed. The pilgrims brought syphilis, smallpox, that to some estimates, killed off 90, 95% of the population. So of course it has to be a national day of mourning. Why should Native Americans be expected to to forget the arborist and greed that has been characteristic of the arrival of the European and remains such today. So on a day like that, what kind of pie does one eat in the end? I guess Thanksgiving is a time to remember what genocidal fatties we all are. Happy Thanksgiving. Can I get another one of these? Let's check in with produce Pete. Steve Carell with a very special Thanksgiving edition. Thanks, John. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and this pilgrim is feeling pretty proud of his succotash now. Sounds funny, but it tastes all right. It's a traditional soup made of corned beef, fowl and salt pork. Yummy, yum. Add some turnip, potato and boiled beans. Now make sure your turnip is a green topped turnip. You can use a purple top in a pinch, but under no circumstances should you ever use a yellow rutabaga. I don't recommend it there, pilgrim. I know some of you think I'm some kind of joke, but you know, you use a yellow rutabaga and you will ruin the succotash. You will ruin Thanksgiving. I ruined a few. I'm not a. I'm not a joke. Let's talk about Thanksgiving, which I still can't believe is a real holiday. I asked someone what happens on Thanksgiving, and he said, well, we all get together and eat. And I was like, so it's dinner. And it is. Thanksgiving is when Americans clog up airports and arteries. But maybe this year, times are changing. This morning, with Thanksgiving just days away, the new wave of prescription weight loss medications are altering how many will approach their holiday eating with the average American consuming more than twice their recommended daily calories. On a typical Thanksgiving day, drugs like Ozempic, Wegovy and Mounjaro can be a game changer for those battling with obesity. Doctors suggest if you're taking these medications, be prepared to manage your feasting expectations. They enable people to have a couple of bites and then say, I don't need to eat a large portion of this. That was enough. This is the most American story ever. Big pharma Created a drug to help Americans eat less. And now they're having anxiety over what they're gonna do on the eating holiday. Although I will say Ozempic is great for people whose parents can't cook. Okay. I mean, no, Mom, I'm not hungry because of the Ozempic. It's not because your dried turkey tastes like shit. And it's good when you can get past the binge eating and focus on the real meaning of Thanksgiving. Friends, family. And remembering the time the pilgrims and the Native Americans shared a meal and watched the Super Bowl. And nothing bad ever happened after that. Ever. For more on this Ozempic Thanksgiving, let's go live to Michael Kosta. Michael. Michael. How will Ozempic affect Thanksgiving this year? Well, it definitely comes with its own problems. If everyone in the family's eating less, that means most of the food is going to waste. Unless you take it to the homeless shelter. But come on, that's like a 20 minute drive. Okay, but I mean, I guess the family could just make less food. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go that far, okay? There's actually a much better solution. Gluttonyl. It's a new drug that dramatically increases your Appetite during the 24 hours of Thanksgiving. You inject Ozempic into your thigh, you inject Gluttonyl into your neck, and boom, you're deep throatin Aunt Karen's fingerlings all night long. Yeah, okay, but isn't that gonna up your metabolism? Oh, yeah, big time. If only there was a drug that could fix that. Well, guess what? It's called Compoxo. You pop a couple of these pills up your butt and your metabolism is evened out for the. Okay, okay, hold on, hold on. Costner. You're putting these drugs up your butt at Thanksgiving table. Won't that weird out your family? Oh, oh, it will. Which is why you'll have to drug your family. Introducing Happy Nerol. It sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof. Just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat and let the hugging begin. Okay, wait, isn't oxytocin the hormone that makes people horny? Yes. Yeah, a family orgy is a possible side effect, which is why you need Demerolin. Just put a few drops in your eyes and voila, you're as flaccid and dry as grandma's brisket. Now, you do have to take it at the same time as the butt pills, otherwise you'll die. Okay, okay. Constant stop. Okay, this is dumb. Instead of people taking all these drugs, why can't they just not eat as much? Oh, oh, I'm so sorry that some of us need a little help to eat less and then eat more and then talk to our family without having sex with them. Okay, okay. I'm, I'm sorry. Okay. I, I, I guess I just wish there was a way people could enjoy life without putting drugs in their veins and up their butts. Well, there is. Ronnie introducing cocaine. Cocaine is one of the. Enough, Enough. Michael Costa, everyone. Hey, save some for me. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. Global superstar and comedy sensation Kevin Hart returns for his fifth Netflix special. Acting My Age. I'm not the same man that I used to be. I go down the stairs sideways. Go ahead. You in a rush. Go around With a fresh perspective on life, family and getting older. The older you get, the less you can have. Is this sesame seeds on that bun? Get it out of here. Kevin's bringing his signature high energy humor and physical comedy in a true return to his stand up origins. Watch Kevin Hart, Acting My Age now streaming only on Netflix. Nothing says Thanksgiving more than the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. What better way to celebrate the white man's dominion over Native Americans than slowly parading giant inflatable children's characters down the street? It's like we're daring them to shoot it down with an arrow. Daring them. If you still got any fight in your Injun, there goes the Pillsbury Doughboy. But this year's parade saw a frightening incident. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm Gretchen Carlson. Some problems today at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade in New York City. An 11 year old girl and a 26 year old woman were injured when a giant balloon hit a lamp post near Times Square. Surprisingly, the balloon that caused the damage was not Disney's new float, the Lamp Post Whacker. Instead, they really should not let that float in. Instead, it was this float, the M and M balloon float, which I'm assuming hit the lamppost because they weren't paying attention because they were so busy sodomizing each other. Why are the M and Ms. Doing that? I don't think that parades until June. All right, so it's a strange little incident. A couple of M and Ms. Go off track, hit a lamp post. Why am I bringing it up? Because if you were watching NBC's live coverage of the parade, you didn't see or hear anything about the accident because NBC didn't report on it. Instead, they reran last year's footage of the M and M Balloon's less bumpy ride. While having the Today show hosts Lauer, Korek and Roker read a script live that made no mention of the incident. Now, because of today's windy conditions, these characters are on video. And if we told you they were not in a panic, we'd be full of hot air. They may be thinking, color us clueless as they flirt with trouble. Will these classic candymen get out of this delicious dilemma? Hard to say, but when it comes to sweetness, yellow and red continue to melt your heart, but not in your hand. I don't know what those guys make on the Today show, but whatever it is, it's not worth it. In their defense, this is hardly the first time float coverage has been journalistically compromised. I think we all remember the event in 1937. Beautiful day here in New Jersey as the Hindenburg prepares to land. Yes, with a ride on the Hindenburg, your worries will plunge and you'll have a scorching good time. Do we have any footage of last year's landing? No, it never landed here before, you say? Hmm. Can I get a rewrite on this copy, please? Next week, Americans will celebrate Thanksgiving. But maybe while you're biting into your turkey, you should be thinking about black people. Roy Wood Jr. Explains why in another edition of CP Time. Welcome to CP Time, the only show that's for the culture. Today we're going to talk about Thanksgiving, the holiday where we gather our families to give thanks for our many blessings. It's also the holiday when your nephew comes home from college with a lot of new woke ideas. I don't give a damn what you say, Theodore. I don't think dolphins should get to vote. Don't even have hands. Anyway, what many people don't know about Thanksgiving is that from the very beginning, black people have been involved in this American tradition. In fact, one of the first pilgrims who came to America was black. We don't know this man's name because the ship's records only describe him as a blackamoor, a term used to describe someone with dark skin from North Africa. In other words, blackamore was the pilgrim's way of saying that black guy. Back then, there were so few black people in America that everyone knew who you were talking about. Today, that would only work in Seattle. Now, food is another area of Thanksgiving where black people have made major contributions. Black people such as James Hemings, who trained as a chef in France, but unfortunately, in America, he was one of Thomas Jefferson's slaves. James introduced the dish that we all know and love today. Macaroni and cheese. Everyone knew about macaroni, but no one ever thought to throw cheese on top of it. Thanks to James Hemins, we now know that anything tastes better if you just add cheese. Macaroni, potatoes, French fries, hamburgers. I add cheese to everything. My doctor says I got five years to live, but it's gonna be a delicious five years. Finally, what would a Thanksgiving Day celebration be without football? A beautiful tradition that allows you to spend time with your family without having to actually talk to them. And even Thanksgiving football is a traditional that involves black people from the very beginning. In fact, the first NFL game played on Thanksgiving in 1920 featured Fritz Pollard, who led his team to victory. Even more impressive, Fritz went on to coach the team, fulfilling a dream that every black man has had for hundreds of years. Yelling at white people and getting paid for it. Interesting fact. My great Uncle Bebo was also a part of that historic Thanksgiving game. He was the goal post. It's good, Bebo. Well, that's our Thanksgiving episode. And from all of us at CP Time, happy holidays to you and yours. And remember, we're for the culture. Ooh, I wonder if this will taste good with cheese on it. We're in four more years. Thanksgiving is coming and everyone's arguing about CDC guidelines or pilgrims being problematic. But what about the non political Thanksgiving issues for those I'm here to argue with random strangers on the street and prove me wrong. Thanksgiving edition. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is the worst holiday. I said it. I said it. No. Why? What do you mean no? Why? Family gets together. I'm grateful. It already sounds terrible, but it's fun. Peeling vegetables with family. Family we do together. Peeling vegetables? That's your big argument? It's not the worst holiday because Columbus Day is a holiday, so there are worse. Wait, so you actually genuinely have a good time at Thanksgiving? I do have a great time. Just how much weed do you guys smoke during Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving to get through it depends how much extended family is there. So what is the worst holiday? I have to say, and God forgive me, I'm Irish. But St Patrick's Day can be really brutal in the city. St Patrick's Day is amazing because on Thanksgiving, people get mad. If you get blackout drunk, you gotta travel, which is terrible. In Thanksgiving, you don't. Well, okay. Haven't you heard of zoom? Oh, man, after two years of zooming non stop, I would love to zoom on my day off with my family. That sounds amazing. It's supposed to be one peaceful day about being thankful. You know, being thankful for like your Family. Did you not receive love as a child? Yeah, that's another thing to bring up with family during the holidays. Whether we receive enough love as a child. Did you. Yo, this is starting to feel a little bit like therapy. Okay, so just so you know, I'm not paying you for this. All shoes should have buckles. Prove me wrong. I think shoes should just, you know, not have buckles or laces or. Well, let's look at what the you're wearing. Wait, are you wearing dress Crocs. Look, pilgrims got a lot of stuff wrong. Genocide, not great Turkey could have picked a better animal to eat. But buckles? Dude, they nailed it. First time. Boom. Okay, buckles aren't appropriate for every occasion. Like, what? If you're gonna hit the beach, you gotta pop on some flips. Flop Pilgrims landed on the beach with buckles. But don't you want your feet to, like, breathe? Be open? No, I don't need people's feet to breathe. I'm not Quentin Tarantino. They'll make shoes more expensive, sure, but isn't part of the appeal of footwear that they're expensive as. That's. Nike built a goddamn empire based on that. But speaking of Nike, a lot of shoes they sell come with Velcro straps, not buckles. Yeah, I feel like that's more convenient if you're a goddamn child, Then, yeah, get some Velcro. But if you're an adult, put on a buckle like an adult. Pumpkin pie should replace apple pie as a year round pie. Prove me wrong. Pumpkin pie has no taste. What the. Have you never eaten? It's got no taste. Dude. What? It's a squash. Okay, first of all, that's racist. If you think it tastes better, then wouldn't that make it more special to only eat it once a year? This is America. When you like something, you eat, do it every day until you get sick of it. And then you do it some more. Technically, with hedonic adaptation. If you do it less often, then, like, you get to experience the full pleasure of it. Oh, man, I feel like I just ate some turkey. Okay, Mr. Pilgrim, first of all, when you go to mom's house, you don't sit down and she give you a pumpkin pie. She gives you a slice of apple pie. You tell me why you would mess with America and you would mess with Mom. Yo. Hey, you talking about moms? Yeah, I'm trying to help moms here. It's way easier to make pumpkin pie than apple pie. Just open a can and dump that shit in. That's what you do. Look at that. You desecrating a mother again. Opening cans. Those are the second rate moms. Oh, wow, now you're hating moms now? No, I'm not hating my. Actually, I'm actually. This person hates moms. Loving moms. This person hates moms. So only a dad would recommend that. You must be a dad. Hey, that's never been proven in court. Apple has more variety. Like you can play around with it. You know, pumpkins just aren't as varied, so you get sick of it sooner. That's also an argument in favor of how complicated apple pies are. You have to, like, pick an apple. There's like 50 different varieties. You have to pick a pumpkin, too. No, there's only one pumpkin. There's no Red Delicious Pumpkin Kabocha. What? Kabocha. Japanese pumpkins. No, that's a squash. Stop trying to take away my pumpkin pie. I don't want squash pie. I want pumpkin pie. Yeah, you're instigating the crowd now. People getting mad at you because you're wrong. I'm not wrong. I have psychology on my screen. You're wrong. We're gonna start a fight in Union Square about this right now. Pumpkin. Pumpkin. When your kid comes home from school or whatever, do you say, oh, a pumpkin a day keeps the doctor away. No, that's stupid. That's just stupid. You can't do that. You give him an apple. Yeah, but I don't give my kid apple pie to make him live longer. Nobody likes pumpkin pie. It doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't make you feel homey. It just doesn't. It doesn't do anything for you. It's just a piece of crap. Well, that's why they can only have it once a year. Well, I guess you win. And so you know what that means. I get the hat, too? Yeah. Be careful. You wish for. Lots of dumb people come up here and argue with you. Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8 only at McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and Calif. And for delivery, meet the computer you can talk to. With Copilot on Windows working, creating and collaborating is as easy as talking. Got writer's block? Share your screen with Copilot Vision to help spark inspiration and use Copilot voice to have a conversation and brainstorm ideas. Or maybe you need some tech help with Copilot Vision. Copilot sees what you see, Let copilot talk you through step by step guidance so you can master new apps, games and skills faster. Try now@windows.com copilot. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. But with the price of groceries these days, a big dinner could be more expensive than buying Yeezys for your Lamborghini. Fortunately, Desi Lydic has come up with some tips for celebrating Thanksgiving on a budget. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. They say that this year is going to be the most exciting, expensive Thanksgiving ever. Inflation is hitting everything. Groceries, cookware, decorative gourds, even the really ugly, bumpy ones. I know I'm tightening my belt this year, but don't worry, you can still have an amazing Thanksgiving without breaking the bank. Let's start with the turkey. This year, turkey prices are almost double what they were a few years ago. But there are still deals out there if you know how to shop smart. For instance, did you know that you could get factory reject turkeys at Butterball outlet stores nationwide? This one only costs $10 and it has three necks, so there's even more to go around. You can also check Craigslist for some perfectly good, gently used turkeys. Now why should this go to a landfill just because one person already owned it? But if your turkey budget is zero, here's a great hack. You just trace your hand. Now we're gonna wanna do a little beak and some googly eyes. Voila. How cute is this little turkey? Now you're gonna wanna drench this bad boy in olive oil. No one likes a dry turkey. We're gonna wanna roast this at 400 degrees for about one hour. Of course you can't have turkey without stuffing, but you don't need to take out a second mortgage or start an only fans to pay for all the ingredients that you need. Most of us have perfectly good stuffing already right inside our kids teddy bears. I'm just gonna want to get in there, just gonna want to take the stuffing, scoop it out, just shove it in that bird, get it in there, roast it. It's gonna soak up all those flavors and really help the turkey keep its shape. And the best stuffing is right in the face. But let's talk side dishes because this is where the dollars can really start adding up. One of my favorites is mashed potatoes. They're delicious. And I have a simple trick for making a little go a long way. So you just make one mashed potato, chew it up. Mm mm. Spit it back out, and then you wanna just pass it around the table for everyone to enjoy. They're mashed anyway, so it will not affect the texture or flavor at all. What about drinks? Most of the grownups at the table are probably gonna want a nice glass of of wine, especially when Uncle Steve starts talking about Qanon. And that can get expensive fast. But fortunately, you can get the same pleasant buzz at a fraction of the price with paint thinner. Mmm. I'm detecting notes of my garage and just a hint of the previous owners of my house who left this behind when they moved. This also pairs well with the hallucinations. Hallucinations. Hallucinations. Now to the most important part of the meal. Dessert. Pumpkin pie can get expensive whether you're making it from scratch, buying it from the store, or buying it from the store and saying you made it from scratch than carrying the shame and guilt of that lie for the rest of your life. But why spend money when we already have so much pumpkin spice stuff around the house? Like this scented candle I got for my Secret Santa three years ago. It's an absolute garbage gift. But wait until you taste it in a dessert. Just cook it at, I don't know, 200, 500? Honestly, it doesn't even make a difference because it's. As you can see, it comes out perfect every time. For all of you thinking about holiday weight gain, wax is not digestible, so no worries there. Comes out the same as it goes in. Am I a giant? Finally, if you really want to save money on Thanksgiving, just remember the original spirit of the holiday and do what the pilgrims did. Steal. They stole food, land, even valuables from Native American graves. So why not take a page from history and steal whatever you need. Hey, with Christmas around the corner, go ahead and steal whatever you want for that, too. Look, I'm Santa. Ho ho ho. Ooh, my paper turkey's ready. Yum. Oh, shit. Shit. Gotta get this out of here. Evacuate. Evacuate. That's right. It's almost Thanksgiving. That time of the year, you gotta listen to all your worst relatives complaining about things that they just don't understand. And this year, the complaining started early. Macy's has been drawn into the culture wars, facing backlash this morning over its annual Thanksgiving day parade. Nearly 20,000 people have signed a petition blasting the upcoming event as a, quote, non binary and transgender extravaganza. They're upset that 2 non binary broadway stars are scheduled to perform, including Alex Newell, who just won a Tony Award. The group behind the petition claims Macy's does not have the best interests of children in mind. What? Wait a minute. Sorry. Did I miss something? Did we solve World hunger is war over? Is the homeless crisis done? Cause a stranger's genitals in a parade is literally the last thing someone should be worrying about right now. When it comes to parades, the only thing you're allowed to complain about is the traffic. Y' all do so much complaining. That's why your turkey tastes like burnt asshole. Because you focusing on the wrong thing. Put the Internet down and pick up a turkey baster. Who's even watching the parade nowadays? Did you. Did you not finish all of Netflix? To be honest, for a long time, I didn't think that the Macy's Day Parade was even a real thing. I thought it was just a make a wish thing for Al Roker. For more on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, let's go live to Macy's in Harrow Square with Dulce Sloan Dulce. Hello. Look at me. What? What do you make about the people complaining about this parade? Anique? I think they need to figure out what they want. I mean, they're so obsessed with gender roles and who's got what genitals? And do we want to make the balloons anatomically correct? Do they need to see Clifford's big red dong coming down the street? And what about spongebob? What's in them square pants? And can we talk about the fact that he's a kitchen sponge in the sea? See, that's always bothered me. You know what? We need to get that figured out before we talk about his dick. Listen, parades are gay, all right? To their core. Listen, you got colorful costumes, choreography, ponies, and Charlie Brown serving face, and everyone is happy. Only gay people can do that, all right? All parades are gay pride parades. Well, well, you know, not every parade is gay. What about the Klan march? Still pretty gay. Ms. Leslie, Think about it. That marching is choreography. Those robes, that's a costume. And once again, ponies. Now, they're not serving face because, you know, but, you know, not everyone can. I mean, thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay, okay, dual thing. Let me ask you something. What type of parade would make you happy? Ooh, I thought you'd never ask. Okay, all right, picture this, okay? Morris Chestnut, right? Leading a troupe of Morris Chestnuts, dancing under a balloon of Morris Chestnut and rounding up the back as an oiled up Morris Chestnut roasting over an open dulcet. Whoo. How can we make that happen? Girl, Girl, I started to go fund me. Come on, you get out of qfo, y'. All Give it up for doing Facebook. Hi. I'm here to pick up my son, Milo. There's no Milo here. Who picked up my son from school? Streaming only on Peacock. Seven devils on the floor. I'm gonna need the name of everyone that could have a connection. You don't understand. It was just the five of us. So this was all planned? What are you gonna do? I will do whatever it takes to get my son back. I honestly didn't see this coming. These nice people killing each other. All her fault. A new series streaming now only on Peacock. This episode is brought to you by Ulta Beauty. Holiday cheer is here, and Ulta Beauty has gifts for everyone on your list. Treat them to fan favorite gift sets from Charlotte, Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from ysl, Ariana Grande and Carolina Herrera. And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card. Head to Ulta Beauty for gifts that make the holidays brighter and even more beautiful. Ulta Beauty gifting happens here. This tonight. This is our final show we have. And as you know, next week is Thanksgiving. Here with some thoughts on the holiday, we have an author of note, woman of letters. Please welcome our new senior historical context correspondent, Sarah Vowell. Sarah, Vowell, nice to see you. How are you? First of all, let me be the first to say this. Happy Thanksgiving. Take that back, Stuart. What? Take it back. Why Thanksgiving, such an inferior holiday? Especially when there's a much better one the day after, more stirring, more inspirational. It is called Evacuation Day. That's a little crass, don't you think? I mean, you're on npr. I know people eat turkey and rich foods, but I think what happens after that? I already misbooked Evacuation Day. Evacuation Day commemorates the last British troops fleeing Manhattan at the end of the revolutionary war in 17. See, I thought that was in 97. You know we signed the Treaty of Paris in September of 83. Yes. Was that 18 or 17? Was it? You're familiar with July 4, 1776? Yes, I am. The Declaration of Independence. That's right, Timmy. But, you know. But you know, the war didn't all take place on that one day. It started before that. And we fought the redcoats for seven more years. Yes, yes, yes. So why was Evacuation Day such a big deal? Well, as the Declaration of Independence was being signed, 400 ships full of big bad limey bastards started showing up in New York harbor to crush the little army led by George Washington. Washington's troops were whooped, embarrassed and humiliated until they retreated to New Jersey in shame. I believe that was the New Jersey state motto for a while. What what was retreat here in shame? That's right. This is about you. Instead of the fact that this defeat meant that the British occupied our beloved New York for the next seven years. Well, I'm sure they were, you know, pleasant enough occupiers, famous for their hospitality. They had puddings and pies. They incarcerated thousands of American POWs in these heinous, rotting prison ships anchored in the East River. More American soldiers died in these New York prisons than in all the battles of the Revolutionary War combined. Combined. Well, it sounds like a lovely holiday. So instead of Thanksgiving, you want Americans to celebrate the 18th century Abu Ghraib? No, I want us to celebrate victory. Washington's triumphant return to the city he lost. Americans are always so excited about the beginning of a war. What if we celebrated how we used to be good at ending them? All right, I'll bite. I'll bite. So how. How do we. How do we celebrate Evacuation Day? Well, they used to reenact the evacuation's most dramatic moment, when a prison ship survivor, Captain John Vanarsdale, climbed a flagpole, ripped down the despicable Union Jack, and put up the Stars and Stripes to the cheers of the crowd. Thus. Thus, later, Evacuation Day shindigs often included pole climbing contests. Wow. Wonder why that holiday ever died out. Well, you know who I blame? Can only assume Hitler. No. Abraham Lincoln. What? Lincoln. What? When Lincoln made Thanksgiving a national holiday, Evacuation Day ended up like one of those shows scheduled opposite American Idol. We stopped honoring the 11,000 loyal patriots who perished on those British prison ships. They were offered freedom if they just swore allegiance to the crown, and they refused. You remember what Patrick Henry said? Yes, Mission accomplished. No. Give me liberty or give me death. But you know how he died? He's dead. Yeah. Yeah, but he died a quarter of a century later on his farm of stomach cancer. These prisoners, they literally chose death. Shouldn't we thank them instead of some Mayflower cruising Jesus freak corn rustlers? You know, sir, Thanksgiving has a parade. Oh, you never heard of the Macy's Evacuation Day Parade? What are those balloons? Those are inflatable lice. Prisoners were so hungry, they were known to snack on the lice off their shirts. Well, I'll make sure to get my kids down there the night before so we can watch them inflate the lice. That would be. That's a good idea. Just make sure they're home in time to watch the Peanuts Evacuation Day special. Can't anyone tell me why Evacuation Day is so much more meaningful than Thanksgiving? You bet, Charlie Brown. Evacuation Day was a joyful relief from seven long years of hell. Thousands of Patriot corpses were buried in mass graves so shallow that body parts continued to wash ashore for the next 20 years. Evacuation Day celebrates the weaselly slinking back of the British sons of bitches to the pathetic scumbag kingdom they called home. Good grief. Thank you. Happy Evacuation Day. Happy Evacuation Day, everybody. Sarah Vowell Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast. If you're a podcast host, listen up. This one's for you. My name is Allie Jackson. I'm the host of Finding Mr. Height, a dating and relationship podcast that I've been doing for four years now, sharing my positive and practical approach to dating that's built on my own life experience. And I wanted to share another experience that I've had, my secret behind monetizing my show. It's called Red Circle, and I was just telling my colleague about how much I love their platform. With Red Circle, not only am I getting a seamless hosting experience, but I also love the support I receive in ad sales. It's not just typical ad sales either. It's targeted opportunities based on my show and my life. And the platform is super simple. You just set your preferences and Red Circle matches you with sponsors that align with your show. You can vet every opportunity and their platform gives you great analytics. More recently, too, my Red Circle team has brought me opportunities outside of my podcast on social media to really augment the podcast partnerships. Bring them full circle. 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I'm the host of Finding Mr. Height, a dating and relationship podcast that I've been doing for four years now, sharing my positive and practical approach to dating that's built on my own life experience. And I wanted to share another experience that I've had, my secret behind monetizing my show. It's called Red Circle, and I was just telling my colleague about how much I love their platform. With Red Circle, not only am I getting a seamless hosting experience, but I also love the support I receive in ad sales. It's not just typical ad sales either. It's targeted opportunities based on my show and my life. And the platform is super simple. You just set your preferences and Red Circle matches you with sponsors that align with your show. You can vet every opportunity and their platform gives you great analytics. More recently, too, my Red Circle team has brought me opportunities outside of my podcast on social media to really augment the podcast partnerships. Bring them full circle. 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