TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition – "TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day"

Release Date: February 15, 2025

Introduction

In the Valentine's Day-themed episode of "The Daily Show: Ears Edition," hosted by Trevor Noah along with contributions from Jordan Klepper, John Hodgman, Lewis Black, and guests like Michael Costa and Nina Hartley, the team delves into the commercialization, true meaning, and societal impacts of Valentine's Day. The episode combines sharp satire, humorous sketches, and insightful discussions to explore how this traditionally romantic holiday has evolved (or devolved) over time.

1. The Commercialization and Degradation of Valentine's Day

The episode kicks off with a satirical segment led by John Hodgman, who laments the transformation of Valentine's Day from its sacred origins to a "secular orgy." Hodgman nostalgically recounts the martyrdom of St. Valentine, emphasizing how the holiday has strayed from its roots:

• John Hodgman [00:30]: "February 14, the day when we pause to remember the martyrdom of St. Valentine... what's once a sacred holiday has been turned into a secular orgy."

He critiques the commercialization by highlighting absurd Valentine's Day products:

• Lewis Black [00:59]: "We have chocolate thongs for women."
• John Hodgman [01:13]: "In just 18 short centuries we've gone from honoring the Bloody decapitation of a religious martyr to dogs in boxer shorts and innocent balloons turned into wanton displays of sexual perversion."

Hodgman humorously proposes "saintly" ways to celebrate, urging a return to St. Valentine's true essence by avoiding typical commercial gestures like flowers and fancy dinners.

2. Defining Love with John Hodgman and Michael Costa

Transitioning to a lighter tone, Jordan Klepper engages John Hodgman in a discussion about the nature of love:

• Jordan Klepper [04:22]: "What is love?"
• Michael Costa [04:22]: "That's really the wrong question... love can be a quasi mental illness prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital free infants in a daily cartoon stream."

Costa challenges traditional notions of love, distinguishing it from lust and introducing scientific perspectives with the prairie vole analogy:

• Michael Costa [06:22]: "Studies show that prairie voles experience the same surge in oxytocin that happily married humans do. Meaning love is an empirically observable chemical reaction."

The conversation humorously debates whether love is a natural phenomenon or a social construct, blending scientific facts with comedic exaggeration.

3. Valentine’s Day Technology Glitches and Social Implications

Trevor Noah shifts focus to a technology-related Valentine’s Day mishap where delayed text messages caused confusion and relationship strain:

• Sarah [12:55]: "A bunch of Valentine's texts didn't go through. It sucks... If your relationship ended over a missed text, maybe that was the best."
• Harold [14:27]: "Valentine's Day is the saddest day of the year to go on PornHub."

Noah highlights how technological glitches can amplify the pressures of Valentine's Day, turning what should be a day of love into a source of frustration and loneliness.

4. Adult Education and Sexuality Seminar with Nina Hartley

In a comedic yet insightful segment, Rabbi Mark Blazer enlists former porn actress Nina Hartley to conduct a sexuality seminar for his congregation. This unconventional choice sparks humorous exchanges about the intersection of religion and sexuality:

• Sarah [11:04]: "Nina gives great kepi."
• John Hodgman [12:14]: "Sex is a very important thing."
• Nina Hartley [16:20]: "Females are a little bit happier... they enjoy sexual activities in their bedroom."

Hartley's presence injects humor and candid discussions about sexual health, challenging traditional religious perspectives with her expertise and playful banter.

5. Romance Scams and Online Dangers

The episode also addresses the darker side of Valentine's Day—romance scams targeting vulnerable individuals, especially the elderly:

• Lewis Black [24:36]: "The elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable and they're so horny."
• John Hodgman [23:16]: "If they're too good to be true... they could be drawing you close to take advantage of you."

Hodgman and Black provide critical insights into how scammers exploit the holiday's emphasis on love, urging listeners to be vigilant against fraudulent schemes.

6. Lewis Black's Hilarious Take on Protecting Loved Ones

Lewis Black delivers a standout comedic performance by humorously sharing his unconventional strategy to protect his grandmother from scams:

• Lewis Black [25:22]: "I'm catfishing my grandmother... I send her pics of guys I find online."
• Lewis Black [26:05]: "I got my grandma's DMs... 'Mi amor, please send $5,000. I'm having my third kidney removed.'"

Black's exaggerated antics highlight the absurd lengths one might go to safeguard family members, blending humor with a critique of societal vulnerabilities.

7. Final Thoughts on Love and Society

In the concluding segments, the hosts reflect on the multifaceted nature of love and the societal pressures stemming from Valentine's Day:

• Sarah [21:22]: "Valentine's Day is just about sharing what's in your heart."
• Harold [19:53]: "Some people use it to have a baby."

The discussions merge comedic observations with genuine reflections on how love is expressed and perceived in modern society, emphasizing the balance between romantic ideals and personal authenticity.

Conclusion

"The Daily Show: Ears Edition – 'TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day'" offers a humorous yet thought-provoking exploration of Valentine's Day. Through sharp satire, engaging conversations, and hilarious sketches, the episode critiques the holiday's commercialization, examines the nature of love, addresses technological mishaps, and warns against romantic scams. By blending humor with insightful commentary, the show provides listeners with both entertainment and a deeper understanding of Valentine's Day's complex role in contemporary culture.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• John Hodgman [00:30]: "February 14... what's once a sacred holiday has been turned into a secular orgy."
• Lewis Black [00:59]: "We have chocolate thongs for women."
• Michael Costa [06:22]: "Studies show that prairie voles experience the same surge in oxytocin that happily married humans do."
• Lewis Black [24:36]: "The elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable and they're so horny."
• Lewis Black [25:22]: "I'm catfishing my grandmother..."
• Nina Hartley [16:20]: "Females are a little bit happier... they enjoy sexual activities in their bedroom."

This episode masterfully intertwines humor with critical social commentary, making it both entertaining and enlightening for listeners.

Transcript

[Trevor Noah]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Jordan Klepper]

Welcome back to the show. February 14th has long been a special day for people who aren't drowning in a sea of loneliness. But have we forgotten its true meaning? Nate Cordry investigates.

[John Hodgman]

February 14, the day when we pause to remember the martyrdom of St. Valentine. As everyone knows, he married couples in defiance of the Emperor Claudius ii. For that, he was brutally beheaded. But what was once a sacred holiday has been turned into a secular orgy. That's right. There's a war on St. Valentine's Day.

[Lewis Black]

We have chocolate thongs for women.

[John Hodgman]

This is for the guys.

[Trevor Noah]

And those are very beautiful Valentine's Day sweaters. A little lingerie.

[John Hodgman]

It's a far cry from the St. Valentine TV specials we remember from our youth. This represents the still beating heart ripped.

[Trevor Noah]

From St. Valentine's chest. Let us sup on his chocolatey love for the Lord.

[John Hodgman]

And how are profit hungry retailers cashing in? I went undercover for some reason to find out in just 18 short centuries we've gone from honoring the bloody decapitation of a religious martyr to. To dogs in boxer shorts and innocent balloons turned into wanton displays of sexual perversion. Do you have a St. Valentine's Day section? St. Valentine's Day?

[Trevor Noah]

We have Valentine's Day cards. No.

[John Hodgman]

No St. Valentine's Day cards. Not specifically for St. Valentine's no. Yet another example of the war on St. Valentine's bastions of the ivory tower media elite like Harlequin Publishing would have you believe that it's all harmless fun. I've been out to the shops to see how people want us to celebrate Valentine's Day. How do you explain these?

[Trevor Noah]

I don't think I have to explain them. It keeps your juices flowing.

[John Hodgman]

All you people think about is sex. What about St. Valentine, huh? What about him?

[Trevor Noah]

I'm not an expert on that. I am a romance expert.

[John Hodgman]

Isn't romance expert just a fancy way of saying slut?

[Trevor Noah]

No.

[John Hodgman]

Haven't seen enough. You won't believe what's going on in our schools. Heathen craft projects, pagan decorations. Someone had to put the Saint back in St. Valentine's Day. Now I'm gonna starve you. What? Wait, what do you mean? I'm gonna strike down the wrath on you, buddy. I'm gonna kick your butt with my sword. No, no, please don't. I'm just trying to follow God's love. You went against me and I'm gonna cut your head off with this sword right now. It was a lesson they'd never forget. And the school encouraged me to Spread my message elsewhere. So remember, keeping Valentine's Day saintly begins with you. First, instead of giving flowers, sit quietly and reflect on the sacrifice of St. Valentine. Second, don't take your loved one to a fancy dinner fast and reflect on St Valentine's martyrdom. Third, cards are fine as long as you use them to paper cut your neck, St. Valentine style. If we follow these simple steps, maybe one day the great Saint Valentine will be honored with the same reverence and respect of his brother, St. Patrick.

[Jordan Klepper]

On a lighter note, today is Valentine's Day. And for more on love, that most mysterious of human emotions, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Let me put this to you, if I can. What is love?

[Michael Costa]

Well, that's really the wrong question, John. If you've ever been in love, you know it has a different meaning every day. Some have argued it's always special. Others, by contrast, contend it's gripping stuff. A sizable minority even claims it's a quasi mental illness prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital free infants in a daily cartoon stream. No, John, the question isn't what is love? But why is love?

[Jordan Klepper]

What does that mean?

[Michael Costa]

Well, sexual attraction serves a clear evolutionary purpose. It's a primal urge that helps propagate the species. You can feel it in this very room, for instance. As I speak, my air of danger coupled with my otherworldly machismo is prompting the release of hormones in both the live and television audiences. But that's not love. It's lust. I get that a lot.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right, so why is love?

[Michael Costa]

Well, that's really the wrong question, John.

[Jordan Klepper]

You're the one who said that.

[Michael Costa]

The problem is there are so many different kinds of love. The ancient Greeks had almost as many different words for love as they did for pederasty. There was Eros, passionate love, Philia, familial love, Ayape, sacrificial love. And meze, the love of appetizers like stuffed grape leaves.

[Jordan Klepper]

Stuffed grape leaves, I have to admit, are delicious.

[Michael Costa]

Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry them?

[Jordan Klepper]

Why would I marry a.

[Michael Costa]

No, of course you wouldn't marry a grape leaf. That's my point. You love grape leaves, but you're not in love with them.

[Jordan Klepper]

So you're saying love is what, a social construct or an idea without any physical basis?

[Michael Costa]

Well, yes, that's been my entire premise. Thank you. And it would have been successful too, if it weren't for one thing.

[Jordan Klepper]

The floor is yours.

[Michael Costa]

The prairie vole.

[Jordan Klepper]

The Prairie vole?

[Michael Costa]

I don't think that I. John. The prairie vole is an unusual species of rodent. Come mating season, they find a partner with whom to breed. But afterward, they remain with that partner and continue to copulate exclusively with them. This, as you've probably already guessed, is where we get the term to like a prairie vole.

[Jordan Klepper]

I have never heard that phrase.

[Michael Costa]

It means to have slow, tender sex with a loving, monogamous partner while burrowed underneath the ground. I thought you were from New Jersey. I thought you would know that studies show that prairie voles experience the same surge in oxytocin that happily married humans do. Meaning love is an empirically observable chemical reaction.

[Jordan Klepper]

Meaning ipso facto, love is real.

[Michael Costa]

Maybe. But really it means that love can be sold in a pill or time release capsule form.

[Jordan Klepper]

Now, now, that seems incredibly dystopic.

[Michael Costa]

I agree. I suppose we're romantics, you and I. We prefer our love the old fashioned way. And an easy to inhale aerosol spray so that on a day like today, we can wistfully turn to our loved ones and coo, darling, let's like prairie bowls.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you very much. Happy Valentine's Day, John Hodgman.

[Trevor Noah]

We'll be right back.

[Jordan Klepper]

If a news story falls through the curse, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.

[Trevor Noah]

It's February, the most depressing month of the year, which means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. And if you haven't got the money or the energy for the holiday of love feeling. Feast your eyes on this free computerized pre made Valentine's cards that you can email to all of your girlfriends. And look, there's even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a Monica cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic because as you can see, they're sitting on the Don Juans. They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're selling 20,000amonth.

[Nina Hartley]

This is good.

[Trevor Noah]

So I can give it to all my friends. And just why would you want to do that?

[Harold]

Oh, man, it's just like when you smoke this, it's just like reminding you that you're in the Oval Office.

[Trevor Noah]

Let me tell you, pal, only if it's too soggy to light. And while romance isn't dead, so many great romantic couples are Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Dodie and Diana. Speaking of which, George Benson has sold his soul to Dodie's daddy. Mohammed Al Fayed and written this romantic little ditty for the late lovebirds. And is it ever good.

[Michael Costa]

Dodie.

[Trevor Noah]

Dodie, Dodie, Dodie. Diana. Diana. Man, I just can't get that haunting melody out of my head. John.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you. Louis Black. That was excellent.

[Trevor Noah]

Lewis Black. We'll be right back after this.

[Jordan Klepper]

Take us out with a song. Yes, my friends, it is Valentine's Day, and if today is about anything, it's about pleasing your loved ones. And let's face it, no one does that quite as well or as often as a veteran porn star. And that's why a rabbi in Southern California has hired former porn actress Nina Hartley to teach an adult education sex seminar for his congregants at Temple Beth Ami. By the way, the key word on that reform, the rabbi Mark Blazer. Surprisingly, that is not his porn name, that's his rabbinical name. Explains why he couldn't lead his congregants to the promised land.

[Trevor Noah]

The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what we had already done as part of our adult education lectures on the topic of sexuality. And so they said, can we get somebody else to come in? Because quite frankly, I had thought everything I knew about sexuality, which is, compared to Nina, fairly limited.

[Jordan Klepper]

Rabbi Blaser was then given the coveted understatement of the year award. Rabbi porn star. So why Nina Hartley at a synagogue? Well, for one, she's Jewish. She does have 18 years of lecturing experience to go along with her religious background. Not to mention she gives great kepi.

[John Hodgman]

I have information people don't often have access to. I've had more sex than most people are going to ever have. And if you can learn from me, I'm very grateful for it.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes, my name is shlomo. I'm a 25 year old Talmudic scholar. My question is this, Ms. Hartley. Is it permissible under Judaic law for me to be masturbating right now?

[John Hodgman]

What makes mom and dad happy is good for the family. And one of the things that is given to us from whichever source you say is the delight in sexual union with your partner. It's a very important thing.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hartley stresses to Jewish congregants that sex is indeed an important part of family life. And she even gives tips on how to enjoy edible underwear. The great part is whatever underwear you don't eat, you can wrap up in tin foil and keep for later.

[Sarah]

In technology news, if you got dumped this year because your ex said you didn't communicate enough, it might not have been your fault.

[Trevor Noah]

If you received a mysterious text message this week from someone unexpected, you are not alone. This happened to a lot of people yesterday. They reported they received messages that appear to have originally been sent on or around Valentine's Day this year. One person tweeted. So at 2:30 this morning, my phone decided to send a text to my ex girlfriend from nine months ago. She made this really sweet video of us for Valentine's Day. She thought I didn't respond. So that led to, among other things, a ruined holiday. So, you know, that's how today is going.

[Sarah]

Man, this story is crazy. Apparently a bunch of text messages sent on Valentine's Day only got to people's phones now. Yeah, it's a huge glitch that affected thousands of people. Nobody knew about it, and now it's in the news. And I bet a lot of guys are using this as an excuse, like, oh, wait, wait, you didn't get that giant bouquet and that diamond necklace that I texted you? Oh, my go at man at tmt. But yeah, a bunch of Valentine's texts didn't go through. And it sucks. But I'm gonna be honest. If your relationship ended over a missed text, maybe that was the best. You dodged a bullet. Cause I don't care what anybody says. Texting is supposed to be casual. It's not about an immediate response. That's why this isn't a problem for old people. They still send love letters in the mail, you know, it'll be like, dearest Gertrude, I can't wait to tap that tight bran muffin of yours.

[Trevor Noah]

Respectfully, Harold.

[Sarah]

The craziest part of the story, and this is completely true, the craziest part of the story is that some people got text messages from people who have since died. Yeah, that has got to be the most awkward booty call ever. Can you imagine? Just on your phone, it's like, you up? You're like, are you up?

[Harold]

It's Valentine's Day, otherwise known as the saddest day of the year to go on pornhub. Some people think this day is about love, but really it's about arguing with strangers on the street on Prove me Wrong Valentine's Day edition. Valentine's Day is the world day of the year. Prove me wrong. No, I mean, it's rush hour for love. We have all this pressure from society to take people out. And if you can't get it done, guess what? Everyone is upset.

[Unknown]

In Puerto Rico, it's called El Dia de la Mistad, which means Friendship day.

[Harold]

What do you do on friendship Day?

[Unknown]

You Give your friends, like, candy and flowers.

[Harold]

You get into a fight with your partner over what restaurant booking you could not get?

[Trevor Noah]

No.

[Harold]

Well, then that's not Valentine's Day.

[John Hodgman]

You don't have to participate.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, you can just enjoy the pretty colors.

[Harold]

Oh, really? You don't feel the pressure of society weighing on you on February 14th?

[Trevor Noah]

Love doesn't have to be romantic. I text all my family and friends on Valentine's Day.

[Harold]

Oh, yeah, I'm sure all your platonic guy friends really love hanging out with you.

[Trevor Noah]

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love.

[Harold]

So the other 364 days, they can go themselves.

[Michael Costa]

What other day do you wake up and just think about love first?

[Harold]

Well, if you're a good person every.

[Trevor Noah]

Day, it's an excuse to. To get up pretty much, if you're single.

[Nina Hartley]

Some people use it to have a baby. Some people use it.

[Harold]

So Valentine's Day is an excuse to.

[Nina Hartley]

Yo, not me. Yeah, you know, I do me, but for people that not getting ass. Dudes that don't get no buns. I live on the west coast now. I live in California. You know, females are a little bit more happier, you know? Cause they enjoy, you know, sexual activities in their bedroom. You know, they're not having intercourse in the car, on the side of the street, in the train station.

[Harold]

What are you talking about?

[Nina Hartley]

I'm talking about this when you was talking about the Valentine's Day and about dudes putting in the paint.

[Harold]

Okay, so is Valentine's Day the worst day of the year or not?

[Nina Hartley]

No, it's not.

[Harold]

Chocolate's the worst candy. Prove me wrong.

[Trevor Noah]

Chocolate's delicious.

[Harold]

Pure chocolate. Pure cocoa. Tastes like shit.

[Trevor Noah]

Why are you so angry at chocolate?

[Harold]

Because it's overrated. Like, if you really love me, get me something that lasts. Like your HBO password.

[Trevor Noah]

Sharing the HBO password is a sign of true love and a sign of commitment.

[Harold]

Yeah, it means I'm gonna let this person up my algorithm.

[Nina Hartley]

What you see walking around, that's chocolate right there. I'm chocolate, she chocolate. You see all the chocolate. You see all this.

[Harold]

Don't make this racial.

[Nina Hartley]

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm not making it racial. I'm not making it racial. You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. We use our skin complexion as. That's the.

[Harold]

Okay. Why do you like chocolate? The candy?

[Nina Hartley]

Me? Yes, Preferably. I like gummies. I rather.

[Harold]

Sex should be a morning thing, never a night thing. Prove me wrong.

[Unknown]

I'm gonna have the groove fits for me. Morning Sex is the best. Morning sex is the best.

[Harold]

I'm with you. You got energy.

[Unknown]

Listen. People like to go to the gym in the mornings. Give me dick and I am up. I am. I am. I am motivated to start my day.

[Trevor Noah]

Like, never at night ever.

[Harold]

Never.

[Trevor Noah]

So when you have sex and then you go to bed, it's like a really nice.

[Harold]

Listen. There's something called circadian rhythm. Circadian rhythm, Whatever. It's the rhythm you have as a human.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay. That's how it looks when it happens. Yeah, just like. That's pretty aggressive.

[Harold]

Yeah. This is a morning activity.

[Trevor Noah]

That's like alligators eating coffee.

[Harold]

This is what you do in the morning. This is like coffee. This is nature's coffee.

[Trevor Noah]

That looks exhausting. How is that coffee?

[Harold]

Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day. Prove me wrong.

[Nina Hartley]

I agree. All the single people are side pieces, sneaky links and you know they gonna up the date. I agree with this 100%. Let the couples go out.

[Harold]

I think you are better at this than I am. So maybe you should sit here and take my job. Please.

[Nina Hartley]

Oh, okay. Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day. Prove me wrong.

[Trevor Noah]

It kind of feels like gatekeeping. Like you have to go out and.

[Harold]

Get the out of here.

[Trevor Noah]

Single people need to go out. They're the ones who need to be out. The couple should stay home. The single people need to be the ones getting drunk.

[Harold]

That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. It was.

[Trevor Noah]

How is that dumb?

[Harold]

But Valentine's Day is not for single losers.

[Trevor Noah]

It's not losers. Valentine's Day is a up thing by society.

[Harold]

Those who couldn't find someone on the most desperate day of the year.

[Unknown]

What are they supposed to do?

[Harold]

You are the most desperate to love.

[Trevor Noah]

You on Valentine's Day.

[Harold]

How much of a loser are you?

[Trevor Noah]

They should be allowed out because they make it fun.

[Harold]

Sorry. Someone's pissing on the street in Brooklyn.

[Trevor Noah]

What a surprise.

[Harold]

If you're single on Valentine's Day, the government should send you money. Prove me wrong.

[Unknown]

Single people, they have to take care of just themselves.

[Harold]

Yeah, but it's a Valentine's Day thing. People are sad on Valentine's Day. Just send them some money.

[Unknown]

Money doesn't make you happy.

[Harold]

Oh, really?

[Nina Hartley]

No.

[Harold]

If I gave you 20 bucks right now, would you be happy?

[Trevor Noah]

No.

[Harold]

Yeah, well, fine. I'll give you 50 bucks. If I give you 50 bucks, will you be happy? I got you. I got you.

[Unknown]

There's discounts for married people. There's discounts for family. What do single people get?

[Harold]

Yeah, give us some money.

[Unknown]

Exactly.

[Harold]

Some tax breaks. At least we're the ones who need it.

[Unknown]

Exactly.

[Harold]

We're the desperate, sad people who need that money.

[Unknown]

I wanna say desperate.

[Harold]

Are you going out with someone on Valentine's Day?

[John Hodgman]

Maybe.

[Harold]

Do you really want this?

[Unknown]

It's cute. Look at my nails. I want it. It's a fun day.

[Harold]

All right, fine. I'll prove to you it's the worst day. Come on a date with me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you it's the worst day of the year.

[Unknown]

Sorry, man, I can't. I don't wanna go on Valentine's Day with you. I wanna go on Valentine's Day with Trevor. Noah. Trevor, if you're watching this, I want to let you know I love you. I enjoyed your show at Madison Square Garden a couple of weeks ago. You are hilarious. And I know you like Indian food. Come to Brooklyn. I will take you out to a nice Indian restaurant and show you around Brooklyn. Love you.

[Harold]

Yeah. Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year.

[Sarah]

You guys know what today is, right? It's Valentine's Day. Aw. It's the one day you can dress up as a baby and shoot people with a bow and arrow and get away with it. And it's really nice to have a day where we just. We get to show that special someone that we care. Isn't it? You know, and to the men out there, that's all you really need to do.

[Trevor Noah]

All right?

[Sarah]

Because not everyone can afford flowers or chocolates or a private Kenny G concert like Kanye West. No, Valentine's Day is just about sharing what's in your heart, all right? Letting your girl know that you love her. Now, ladies, if he doesn't have flowers or a bear or something, you need to cut him loose. Uh, because clearly he does not respect you for the queen that you are. I mean, he had all year to save up, and now he's trying to say he can't afford a box of chocolates. That's 599 at Walgreens. He can't say 599. That's two turnstile jumps. That's all that is. If your man won't jump, turn who turnstiles for you. You need to cut him loose.

[Unknown]

And finally, today is Valentine's Day. The day when flowers find out which house they're going to die in. Seriously, why do we give people roses? They are already dying the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a hospice patient. Love them while you can. Just try to keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible. But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than roses stealing people's money.

[Trevor Noah]

What is Valentine's Day? Law enforcement reminding you to keep an.

[Michael Costa]

Eye out for what they call romance scams.

[Trevor Noah]

Officials say criminals will scour dating websites, dating apps, chat rooms, build a relationship with you with the goal of accessing.

[Michael Costa]

Your financial or other personal information.

[Unknown]

The FTC says romance scams cost nearly.

[Trevor Noah]

70,000 consumers $1.3 billion last year. The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims. Let's talk red flags.

[John Hodgman]

This one might hurt, but if they're too good to be true. Gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle. Make a scammer's job of luring you easier.

[Unknown]

If they seem sweet, genuine, caring, talking about a future together a little more quickly than typical relationships.

[John Hodgman]

They could be drawing you close to take advantage of you.

[Unknown]

That's right. You gotta be careful out there. If anyone literally ever says anything nice to you, call the police. And she said another red flag is if the person has an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh, my God. Am I a scammer? Well, for more on these romance scams, we turn to Michael Costa. Michael, it is so sad to hear about this, especially on Valentine's Day.

[Lewis Black]

I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams. Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly a scam because I had already just wired the real Abraham Lincoln $10,000. There's only one Lincoln, buddy. How stupid do you think I am?

[Unknown]

You're very smart, Michael. But let's focus on the romantic scams because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly.

[Lewis Black]

Yeah, the elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable and they're so horny. Honestly, I'm scared for my own loved ones. That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.

[Unknown]

You're catfishing your own grandmother?

[Lewis Black]

As a preventative measure, yes. The best way I can protect my 97 year old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her myself. This way, she feels loved, and I put all the money she sends me right back into her bank account. It's the same way I stop dogs from eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating them myself.

[Unknown]

I'm sure the dogs are grateful, but how does catfishing your grandmother even work? Take me through this.

[Lewis Black]

Okay, well, it works. The same as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming but believable person. In my case, Miguel Gustavo, international art dealer and king of Brazil. First you like their posts, then you start the DMs. Hey, I like what I see. Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted for yourself. Here's what I'm packing.

[Trevor Noah]

Go on.

[Unknown]

Gross. You send your grandma nudes?

[Lewis Black]

Well, not my nudes, obviously. I'm not a creep. I send her pics of guys I find online.

[Unknown]

Okay, good. Phew. I thought you exchanged nudes.

[Lewis Black]

No, no. I mean, she sends me her nudes.

[Unknown]

Oh, my God.

[Lewis Black]

Look, I know it's gross. I don't like it either. I am glad she's using a yoga class as I got her for Christmas, but still, I don't want to see it. Just like I don't want to spend hours texting with her about how her grandson never calls or have her explain every episode of the Yellowstone. It's just Yellowstone, Grandma. I don't have a choice, Sarah. Okay, as Michael Costa I can't keep my grandma offline. But as Miguel Gustavo. Well, I can make sure her money stays where it belongs, in the bank account that I'm gonna inherit one day.

[Unknown]

I guess in its own way, this is actually a, like, a loving thing. Michael, I hope all the men out there love their grandmas enough to seduce them.

[Lewis Black]

Thank you, Sarah. I really am the best. Grants.

[Trevor Noah]

Sorry.

[Lewis Black]

I got my grandma's dming me. Mi amor, please send $5,000. I'm having my third kidney removed.

[Unknown]

Okay, well, thank you so much, Michael.

[Trevor Noah]

All right. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus.

[Unknown]

Paramount Podcasts.