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At New Balance, we believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it. Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way. And that's what running is all about. Run your way. @newbalance.com Running Limu Emu and Doug. Here we have the Limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty. Liberty Savings Ferry Unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts. You're listening to Comedy Central. We begin tonight with the war. Not the one in Iraq, but another, more insidious war being waged right here on American soil. A war on Christmas. Conservative groups are claiming America is replacing the season's more religious aspects with a secular message of holiday cheer. Even President Bush made the naughty list after this year's White House Christmas card. Wish supporters a happy holiday season, of course, along with an Excerpt from Psalm 28 Beginning the Lord is my strength and my shield, but you know, which Lord could be anybody, really. Ganesh. We've got some Ganesh fans in the audience. That doesn't happen a lot. Luckily, there is a white knight riding in from the judicial branch. Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is the subject of glowing new ads from Catholic advocacy groups. For 35 years, one jersey City tradition included a Christmas San Hanukkah display in front of city Hall. But the American Civil Liberties Union sued, forcing the city to remove the display. Thanks to Judge Samuel Alito, the inclusive holiday display was restored. Of course, saving Christmas doesn't guarantee you confirmation to the Supreme Court. I think we all remember the ill fated earnest nomination, but nobody takes the Christ out of Christmas quite like the private sector. Some conservatives are calling for boycotts against retailers who ask employees to wish customers happy holidays. Like this store, seen here blatantly disregarding Christmas. So far, concerned Christians have urged boycotts of both Target stores and the Land's End catalog, though in the latter case, the Satan's Minion flannel doggy bed on page 21 doesn't help. Who is Satan's menu? Did you. Who is Satan's Menu? Fox News Bill O'Reilly has been at the forefront of defending Christmas, even though until recently, Fox News own online store invited viewers to buy an O'Reilly Factor holiday ornament. For their holiday tree. In the war on Christmas, that's what's known as friendly fire. But he still lays the blame on thin skinned heathens. I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words Merry Christmas. I think those people are nuts. I think you're crazy if you're offended by the words merry, merry Christmas. Well, I actually agree with that. I think they're just words Merry Christmas. I think it's innocuous. I don't think there's really any way that a sane person could be offended by a silly two word phrase. You know what, Mr. O'Reilly, you're a reasonable man. Season's greetings and happy holidays. Bill does not offend Christians. Yes, it does. Absolutely does. And legend has it that every time you say Happy holidays, an angel gets aids. For more on the controversy, Daily show senior eulogist Jason Jones joins us live from the front line of the war on Christmas. Jason, nice to see you. You're in a mall, you're looking around the stores. Are you noticing any kind of war on Christmas there? Yes, indeed, John. This mall, this high church of consumerism has been viciously secularized overnight. Where once Victoria's Secret ran a two for one triple Xmas sale on peekaboo lace teddies, now only holiday thongs remain. Triple Xmas, John, that was three times the Christ. Jason, When I go to a mall, I see the holly, the lights, the tinsel, the Santa. It seems like Christmas is really doing fine. Maybe on the surface, John, but if you look on the surface, the trend is alarming. This is the Ghost of Christmas Past, a gap storefront circa 1985. Pious, inspirational, the kind of place you'd feel holly picking out a pair of reverse cut khakis. Now behold the Ghost of Christmas Present. This is the way they choose to represent our Lord's birth. Now with the word holidays. Which holiday? Arbor Day, Flag Day. They take the Christ out. I have no idea what's going on, but I fear most for Christmas future. Disgusting. Filthy. Absolutely obscene. I mean, that sign. What Is that sign? 10 square inches at most. And winter? Is that even a word? Oh, and for the record, when Jesus saves more than 20%, Jason, when people are already celebrating Christmas in their homes, churches and communities, how much difference do a few words on a storefront really make? All the difference in the world, John. This time of year, I don't just go out and buy holiday crap. I buy Christmas crap. How else are we gonna keep Jesus in our hearts without constant visual and verbal reminders? Heeding his words. Well, what about those who don't celebrate Christmas? Well, they need it most of all. The other day I picked up this Old Testament. All the references to Jesus have been completely taken out. They're gone. No doubt removed by the same PC police who took Christ out of the United States of Echristica. I don't think it was ever called that. And in fact, Christmas I don't think was even a federal holiday until 1870. And it's been under siege ever since. We can't afford to lose any more ground. Every syllable is precious. Which is why this year I'm wishing everyone a Jesusy Christ Christ and a Christy New Christ. Thank you, Jason. Oh, and a happy Christica to you, John. Well, thank you. Same to you. Moving from a war with no end to better news of a war at home that appears to be winding down. Finally, a signal that the war on Christmas may be over. I'm applauding Walmart for taking back Christmas. Walmart has announced that it is ditching the politically correct Happy Holiday slogan in favor of a return to Merry Christmas. It's going to be Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. When you're at Walmart, It's where Jesus would have shopped. For more on this sudden change of fortune, we go to our Yuletide War correspondent, John Oliver. John, thanks for joining us, John. John, I'm here at Rockefeller center at the Victory Party. The War on Christmas is finally over. Of course, all wars end with an iconic moment. The Cold War had the collapse of the Berlin Wall. The Iraq War, as we all know, completely ended three years ago with the toppling of Saddam Hussein's statue. As for the War on Christmas, it marked its end last Wednesday at a Walmart in Skokie, Illinois. Merry Christmas. Wow, I never thought I'd hear those words again, particularly while shopping for sweatpants and a ten pound tin of candy corn. And that wasn't the only moment of joy. We also witnessed this unprecedented display of Yuletide cheer. Suck on that, Humanists. That's the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. They light it every year. But before it was lit in defiance. This year it was lit in victory. Different bulbs. There aren't different bulbs. That's a local tradition. But this year it's gone worldwide. The National Broadcasting Company, or nbuk, decided to devote three hours to the flipping of this light. It was presided over by Al Roker, who, with victory under his ever loosening belt, may now be able to end his inspiring hunger strike. He was joined by stars ranging from hall to Oates Sant had capaded brazenly about without fear of attacks from pagan death squads. And of course, no victory party's complete without an appearance from Sting. Doo Doo need you Delight and his loot. Well, thank you very much for all this work done. Obviously, in any war on. In any war on Christmas there are going to be winners and losers. And with that story, we go to Rob Riggle. Rob? Thanks, John. I'm here on 47th street in Manhattan and I'm talking to Moishe Goldstein. Moishe, tell me, Abraham Friedman. I'm sorry. Sorry. Abraham Friedman. Abraham, can you tell me, are you taking it hard this year? Oh, no, I think I'm also. I'm always easygoing. Okay, coming up on a big off season, are you planning on making any changes during the off season? No, I'm not taking any changes. I just take the holidays with me. And that's how it goes, you know. Okay, well, thank you very much for your time, Abraham. And this might not be easy to hear right now, but Merry Christmas. Oh yeah. Merry Christmas to you. Thank you, John. Thank you very much. Rob. Give the guy credit to come out of the losing locker room and do an interview like that. Anyway, any last thoughts? John Oliver? Down in Rockefeller Center Rockefeller Center Christmas tree is illuminated blazing as a beacon of freedom for all. Finally, John. This damn war is over. Come here you. John, did it freeze? Did it freeze? No, it didn't freeze. The frame didn't freeze? No. Forget it. Merry Christmas, John. Thank you very much. John Oliver. We'll be right back. What do you say to those Jews that were trying to take Christmas away forever? To the Jews? No, I say Merry Christmas to everyone. Even to the Jews? To everyone. Yes. Coca Cola for the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts, the thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new Coca Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca Cola at a store near you. By the way, I don't have to tell you people. Sixth night of Hanukkah, huh? Really? People aren't usually that enthusiastic this many days in. Sixth night is also known as the nachmit Hagen chompaf. That's Hebrew for the night you get a jigsaw puzzle. It's the sixth night. People are running out of ideas. But I think I forget in all the hubbub, the yearly Hanu chaos, if you will, the dreidel based gambling addictions. Come on, Gimmel. Daddy needs a new latke grinder. It's a very funny language. Yiddish. Lot of hard K's. Anyway, we all tend to forget that Jews aren't the only ones celebrating this holiday season. But of course, who could blame us? The other big seasonal holiday has been all but crushed by forces banded against it. The Tulsa Christmas Parade of Lights has been a tradition in Oklahoma for nearly 70 years. But parade organizers have now stripped the word Christmas from the event's title and changed it to the Tulsa Holiday Parade of Lights despite outrage from the community. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The seasonal parade in America's 47th largest city changed its name last year. And Gretchen apparently just found out about it and is about to open up a can of freedom ass on the chairman of the of Tulsa's Parade of Lights. I guess I'm just trying to get a sense of why after 70 years, you would change the name. Well, again, I think it was to be more reflective of what we actually were. People, I think, make way too much of the name. Really? Because I think a lot of people actually feel just the opposite. Larry, why. Why change the name? It sounds like it was a business decision, like a sponsor was going to pull supporting it. Unless you changed it to Holiday. I think that's an overstatement. Well, then what is it? What is it then? What is it? It's a holiday parade to make the children of Tulsa smile. Santa comes in and throws them candy. What have I done to Tulsa? I've ruined. Merry Christmas. Of course Gretchen's not throwing the first stone. She's throwing. She's really enjoy. She's not. She even looks pretty like that. She's pretty. She's not throwing the first stone. She's throwing the third stone. Some people are not going to participate in this parade as a result of it not being called the Christmas parade. The Acres of Love alpaca farmers, they are not going to participate. And then Senator Jim Inhofe has also decided he will not participate. No alpacas and no Jim Inhofe. Nietzsche was right. God is dead. Of course, the parade isn't the real victim here. Fortunately, the parade will not suffer. You know, in terms of the quality or quantity of entries. Right. Many people argue just Christmas will suffer. Many. By. By. By many people, do you mean one pretty lady wearing a purple sweater? Gretchen, Christmas survived the Roman Empire. I think it can handle the renaming of the Tulsa parade. Frankly, Gretchen, I think the bearded guy you're protecting might be the wrong bearded guy. But I admit the season Wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing. When did all that begin? Well, hello. Beautiful day, isn't it? Yes sir. I'd say this is shaping up to be the best birthday party for Jesus yet. That's right, I said Jesus. You got a problem with that? I hope you do. Because petty arguments about a holiday celebrating the birth of our Savior is as American as apple pie. It's called the War on Christmas and it happens every year. But it wasn't always that way. Started off like any other Christmas. Trees were trimmed, stockings were hung by the fireplace. There was only one problem, it seemed all the peace on earth and goodwill towards men. People just plum forgot to be offended by the petty bull that superficially divides us. That's right, I said bull. This card says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. I'll take that as a well intentioned greeting rather than a rejection of my faith. Can I put on some Kwanzaa decorations? Sure, no problem. It won't affect my Christmas. Hey, pull over. It's the PC police. What's wrong officer? Gonna give us a ticket for not including a menorah in our religious display? No. Even though I'm Jewish, I'm secure enough in my own beliefs that I don't need to be included in every holiday. Chag sameach. Yes siree, Bob. It looked like Christmas was going to come and go without any ginned up outrage about some city council in Bum, Iowa renaming their nativity scene a multi denominational Frankincense party. No one even seemed to notice, except for one sad little boy. Because even though Christmas was by far the most dominant cultural event in the history of cultural events, he felt empty, without some sense that the people celebrating it were somehow being persecuted. And so he prayed. That's right, I said prayed. But sadly it was all for naught. Until something magical happened. First in the dark of night came a flicker. And then just a ticker. And then a great noise like someone jumped on a clicker. You can't say Merry Christmas and you support the band. You are the fascist. This has been a war on Christmas from the secular culture for. For three or four decades now. There's a war on Christmas with some people in this country, particularly atheists. An anti religion sign right next to the nativity scene. The more people watched, the more they got sicker, sicker and sicker till every last one came to quarrel and bicker. Atheist, commie, Jew, socialist, pagan. Old Roger Ailes couldn't believe what he heard. He took delight in each unkind word, people who were there said his heart shrunk three sizes that day. It was a war on Christmas miracle. As for that little boy whose prayers had enthused, he was given a show right there on Fox News tonight on Lioness America. Are Christians an endangered species? Are the founding fathers wishes for Christians? America being trampled upon? I'll talk to my all American panel featuring Snoopy Pigpen and Stephen Baldwin. Suck it, Charlie Brown. Yay. Christmas is saved. Fox News. It's that time of year again, holiday magic. The twinkling of lights, the noggin of eggs, and of course, anger and bitter disappointment. Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee coming under fire after refusing to call the tree in the Rhode Island State House a Christmas tree. He insists people call it the Devil's pine. Satan spruce a tree Bortion. It's Fox's war on Christmas. It's back, baby. And this year's designated Scrooge, Rhode island governor and part time Steve Doocy impersonator, Lincoln Chafee. A couple of weeks ago, Chafee had the audacity to invite Americans to a tree lighting. Or judging by the reaction, a Jesus tipping. It's a Christmas tree with a Chra. Keep Christ in Christmas. For folks who are watching right now and are thinking that's crazy, I should call the governor. We've got his phone number. If it has lights and ornaments and an angel and decorations on top, it's a Christmas tree. For the past eight years before this. Governor. Governor, Your former governor, in fact did call it a Christmas tree, right? He did, Gretchen. Yeah. And while that's not true, who cares? It makes them angry. See, the previous Republican governor's 2009 invitation to this very same ceremony also uses the offending phrase holiday tree lighting. I mean, how is that not akin to wiping your ass with the shrouded turin? I mean, really, that's a rhetorical question. Now, who cares if the story is true or what it actually means? The important thing is to allow this heathen governor to defile a sacred ritual. I don't even know what I was combining that word with. To allow him to defile a sacred ritual is to imperil our nation's very founding principles. Why did these pilgrims brave incredibly difficult conditions to live here, die here, and to try to start a new, you know, a new way of life for themselves. A religious freedom. A religious freedom. Yeah. And now religious freedom is on the rocks. Yes, yes. Lady wearing cross on television. Religious freedom is on the rocks. The rocks. Of course, not as on the rocks. As it was in the 17th century when your friends the Pilgrims outlawed Christmas celebrations as a sacrilege and declared gifts and Christmas decorations satanical, levying a five shilling fine on anyone for saying Merry Christmas. Five shillings. I mean, in those days, that's two milk cows and a buckled hat. If the Pilgrims were alive today, this is how they decorate the town square. Or perhaps you'd prefer to celebrate Christmas the way our founding fathers did. On December 25, 1789, the United States Congress sat in session and continued to stay open on Christmas Day for most of the next 67 years. How's that taste, Mother? That's right. When the country was founded, Congress had exactly the same attitude about the sanctity of Christmas celebrations that a 711 does today. Yeah, we're open. Fox, you take for granted the ubiquity of Christmas, but if there has been a war, Christmas is the aggressor nation. Right now, every public space in the country looks like it got hit with a 500 pound tinsel bomb. The White House looks like a yuletide episode of Hoarders. Many, many of these displays. Many of these displays are subsidized by. What's that thing you don't want to spend on anything? Taxpayer money. You want to fight about something? Taking the Christ out of Christmas. All I want for Christmas is. Whatever you think is the reason for the season. It does not involve Mariah Carey in a half a Santa suit presenting her ass to Justin Bieber like a horny bonobo. By the way, what if we all did go back to always calling them as Christmas trees and saying Merry Christmas? Would that make you happy? The good news is now some retailers are going back to using the word Christmas again. But are they just doing it to make a quick buck? And if so, you okay with that? We can't win. I mean, sure, they're saying Merry Christmas, but do they mean it and the way we want them to mean it? Like, you know, that Jesus is their savior. That is why tonight I must make the hardest decision that any anchor of a fake news program has to make. They're unusually boisterous for an announcement of war. My fellow Americans, tonight I humbly come before you to declare war on Christmas. We did not. Sure, we did not ask for this war, but neither will we shrink from it. It is said that we provoked these hostilities through our use of the phrase Happy Holidays. This is a lie. That was a phrase born not of aggression, but of convenience. But as long as our enemies view the words Happy Holidays, not As a lazy man's way to avoid the time sucking double holiday salutation, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. But rather as a subtextual you and your baby Jesus. There can be no peace. We now ask that Christmas immediately and unilaterally withdraw to its pre67 borders. Pretty 1667 borders. Do this now. That was my Nixon. Oh, they don't. No, no, you don't deserve my Nixon. Do this now or face the full night of our secular multicultural society. It's a world. No, that's not a president. All right. It's a world where Christmas will have to share statehouse rotundas not just with Jews, but with Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, Santeros, atheists and of course Muslims. We will fight until we live in a world where free Americans everywhere seek not validation of their religious beliefs through Macy's signage. Where non sectarian greetings are not seen as diminishing. The most ubiquitous two month holiday immersion since Caligula's birthday party. Until that day, I wish you and your family in this season a happy and heartfelt end of the fiscal fourth quarter. Very quick off the top. A couple of nights ago, I responded to the ginned up outrage many Christmas celebrants feel when they are unable to celebrate Christmas at all times in all places. And I addressed our nation thusly. My fellow Americans, tonight I humbly come before you to declare war on Christmas. That was two days ago. Now look at me. Look how war ages a man. That is weird. How can I age in two days? Is that. Well, last night, one of Santa's unusually large elves fired back. Our pal Jon Stewart is following the various Christmas controversies very closely. Now, there is no question that Mr. Stewart is going to hell. I know. But here's where you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell. Boom, boom. You move. Alrighty. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft. But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our US based restoration specialists will fix it, guaranteed your money back. Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with LifeLock. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit LifeLock.com podcast terms apply. Hey, what's up, y'? All? Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. My favorite thing about the holidays. Decking out my whole house. It's not a competition. But if it was, well, I'd win the season with Wayfair Outdoor Inflatable. Inflatable Santa. Got it on Wayfair. Trees, lights and ornaments. Wayfair hosting must haves like dining, sets, beds, sheets and towels. Wayfair for everything in your style delivered with fast and free shipping. Visit Wayfair.com or the Wayfair app to win the season. But again, it's not a competition. Wayfair Every style, every home. Speaking of Christmas, you're probably aware by now our nation's been embroiled in a long and bitter war. The first salvo in the War on Christmas. It is the War on Christmas. A war on Christmas. War on Christmas. War on Christmas. War on Christmas. It's not to be confused with Gwar on Christmas. This is a tremendous Christmas album. Mouthables. For years now, Christmas has been under attack, defended only by the brave souls of Fox News. Are they still up to the task that is the subject of tonight's War on Friendly Fire edition. Let's face facts. The annual Fox War on Christmas has become a little predictable. It's basically imagine you can make one up with a. Make Fox News Mad Libs. So let's see. Let's try to do one of these. Alright? Last week in. I need the name of some godless liberal bastion. Santa Monica. Okay, Santa Monica. That'll do. Let me just fill in Santa Monica there. And in Santa Monica, a group of. Give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture. Atheists. Okay, Atheists will do. That's right. Everyone's favorite uncle that lives in Oregon. No one ever sees, you know. So a group of atheists have ruined Christmas by forcing the removal of. I need a classic Christmas symbol assignment. Damn it, Brian. We're trying to do something here. Just go sit in the car. A nativity scene. Thank you. Nativity scene. Some people are still grown ups over there in Nativity scene. Okay, all right, so we're done. Let's see if we can put that all together, shall we? Atheists seem to have ended a 60 year old Christmas tradition in Santa Monica, California. A federal judge backing Santa Monica's decision to no longer allow nativity scenes in a public park. Oh my God. That is such an out. It's as though the War on Christmas has become a rote observance devoid of all its original spiritual meaning. Even its most ardent proponents have seen doubt creep in. Now a lot of people, for whatever reason, will look at this interview today and they'll say Gretchen Carlson and Doreen Costa are nuts. Okay? They're so nuts because they think that there's this made up war on Christmas. We're not nuts, are we? There is a war on Christmas. As a general rule, if you're trying to tell whether you and one other person are nuts, ask a third person, preferably someone outside the asylum. But since you asked the question, am I nuts to think there's a war on Christmas? It's only polite for me to offer you a resounding yes, you're nuts. Because for whatever annoying local ticky tack Christmas abolishing story, you and your merry band of persecution seeking researchers can scour the wires to turn up the rest of us can't swing a dead elf without knocking over an inflatable snow globe or a giant blinkin candy cane for God's sakes. Fox News itself is located in midtown Manhattan. The epicenter of all that is godless, secular, gay, Jewy and hellbound. And yet even here, all around your studio, it looks like Santa's balls exploded. That is a hypothesis. You know, in the old days before the war on Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ lasted a day like birthdays do. And then it seeped into the night before Christmas, the Eve if you will. And then the next thing you know, we were riding this thing all the way to epiphany. Fine. 12 days gave time for lords to leap and geese to lay and partridges to pair and gold to ring and it's just 12 days of servants and poultry. Whatever. But it still wasn't enough. There's a war on Christmas. Has anyone told Thanksgiving. Cause this year Black Friday, AKA Christmas opening bell got moved back a day to Black Friday, or as we used to call it, Thanksgiving. Christmas is so big now it's eating other holidays. Watch your ass Halloween, you're next. Let me ask you a question. Do atheists land an occasional blow? I guess even the Washington generals get lucky once in a while. But when you look at the overall record between the. For God's sakes. There are radio stations that play nothing but Christmas carols. Stores that sell nothing but Christmas decorations all year long. There is a TV channel devoted to a Yule log and it's kicking CNN's ass in the radio. But don't worry, don't worry, non log burning channels. There's Christmas programs for you as well. There's old timey traditional Christmas programming, really old timey Dickensian Christmas special programming, new timey. Hey, hey, hey Urban Christmas specials, Mormon Christmas specials, Country western Christmas specials, Chipmunk Christmas specials, Otter Christmas specials, Bear Christmas specials, Cat Christmas specials, Large headed child Christmas, Gay Christmas, Jewish Christmas, whatever the. This is Christmas Christmas Underwater Christmas from the future, Prehistoric Christmas. That's right. There's a Christmas special celebrating Jesus birth thousands of years before the birth of Jesus. That is a holiday that is not in danger. There is so much Christmas all over the place. It's getting harder for Christmas defenders to fight for Christmas without accidentally doing damage to it. Which brings us to our friendly fire incident. Watch what happens when our our good friend Bill O'Reilly takes the atheist's bait. What religion is involved with Christmas? What religion? Christianity. That's not a religion, that's a philosophy. So you're gonna actually tell me on live television that Christianity is not a religion? Correct. It is a philosophy. No, Bill. Why, Bill, why have you learned nothing from our friendship? You just handed that atheist another thing he can't believe. Christianity is a relig. Christianity has a philosophical element, but there is a difference between a philosophy and a religion. For instance, let's look at Socrates and Jesus. They have a lot in common. Loose fitting clothing, beards, sandals. Teaching through parable and martyrdom. But here's where we find the distinction between philosophy and religion. After their martyrdom, one of them got better. I'll give you a hint. It's the one who ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father who will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, whose kingdom will have no end. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? It's Jesus. No. We bestow one of them tax exempt status. Why isn't Christianity a religion? Christianity is not an organized religion. A church that can be imposed. Christianity is a philosophy. You don't have to believe Jesus is God in order to admire his view on life. No, but you have to believe Jesus is God to be a Christian. For instance, I like a lot of Jesus philosophy. Love your neighbor. A little cheek. Turning stone, not casting. It's very nice. But while I can get an A in his philosophy class, I don't get to go to the after party. You get what I'm saying here, Bill? So you want to do this at my place or your place? Because Baruch Hataw I'm. We'll be right back. But let's begin tonight as I really should begin almost every night with an apology. We've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on Christmas. Where a small band of about 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their Lord's birth. To have a mass on that day honoring their Christ. A mass. Christ, if you will. Now we have poked fun at this saying such things as there is no war on Christmas or you're crazy. Classic witness. But that was before I realized what these poor folks had been going through. This is the thing about atheists. They bully the other religions. They're trying to put their hands in my business and tell me what to do. It ends up being about being intolerant to the nature of what is tradition in this country. This ends up being about bullies. They're being bullied. And what are Christians supposed to do? Turn the other cheek? Ho ho. Oh, wrong Jesus, my friend. There is a problem in America with the Christian forces being weak. That's right. And I'm telling you, Bill, wimpy pastors produce wimpy Christians. They see Jesus as this little wimpy guy who walked around plucking daisies and eating bird seed. Plucking daisies and eating birds? I think you're thinking of Russell Brand. It's a common mistake to think of him. No, the truth is, I think even most non Christians don't particularly care that for about 10% of every year the public sphere is dominated by this one particular religious celebration. In the same way, I imagine most Christians don't care that a lot of people say Happy holidays or seasons greetings in place of Merry Christmas because you don't always know the religion of the person you're greeting. Merry Christmas. And they say back to you as Alekum salaam. So you know, you don't know. So what do these atheist bullies want? I'm assuming a dictatorship of godlessness. We're stopping the government from preferring one religion over another. We demand equality from the government and it's our constitutional right. And you should be demanding it along with me. Yes, we should. Because you are perhaps technically correct. Although I'm still not sure how your local manger scene enforcement program is going to get you to that goal. But you know what? Maybe that godless man is right. Maybe the government should force communities to make sure all religions are given exactly, exactly equal treatment. Even Lutherans. Perhaps as I settle into my normal mid show nap, I can ponder what a wonderful equitable world that would. John? John. What was that? Oh my God. Who are you? I'm the ghost of Christmas past. Why spirit, why are you dressed like a kinky Zombie, your ghost form is always wearing what you die in. That's why would you die from autoerotic asphyxiation? Is that. No. Is that how it. No, no. John, I was hip by a bus. Okay? I was on my way to a. On a How. Yes, okay, I was. But it's time to look at your pals. Take my hand, John Stewart. We will fly. We must fly. We will fly. Fly, fly, fly, John. Fly, fly, fly, fly. This feels a lot like walking. Okay, we'll fix it in post. All right, fair enough. I mean, behold. All right, where are we? This is gonna be exciting. Oh my God. That's my old middle school. That's right, Jon Stewart. Behold. I got a Millennium Falcon for Christmas. I got an electric guitar. I got a new bike. Awesome. The cat. What's up guys? Hey John, what'd you get for haunted? I got a pomegranate. A what? A pomegranate. It's a fruit. You eat the seeds. What kind of dweeb eats seeds? It was the second night. We always get fruit the sixth night. Ah, good times. No, not good times. Those were the worst times of my childhood. I mean, everybody made fun of me cause I'd bring fruit in and vitamin K. Oh my God. Who are you? What do you mean? Seriously, how long have I worked here? No, I meant in the who are you? I am the ghost of alternate Christmas past. John, what if you had your wish and all religions were treated the same and being a Jew at Christmas wasn't weird? I don't know, it sounds great, but I can't. Oh gee, these gifts are great. But you know what would be even better? A 5,000 year tradition connecting me to our ancestors. That's what I really wanted for Christmas. Hey, what's up guys? Hey John. Hey John. Hey, after school can we come over to your house and help you light the menorah? I don't know, it's a pretty meaningful tradition. Okay, you can come. Yay. Okay, we're gonna have dreidels and hypoallergenic latkes. Come John. Do you see how popular you could have been? Is that really what you wanted? Yes. Oh, and they're all having pomegranates. But John, yourself, suffering built character. I mean, think of all the survival skills you developed as a put upon minority. Like what? Low self esteem, self loathing, the inability to connect emotionally to your fellow man. I'm sorry, did I mention self loathing? You did. Orthopedic. Sure, sure. Yet you went on to succeed in the One field that rewards those qualities. Comedy. Bingo. Wow. Being a sad, isolated Jewish kid was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't believe. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. That's right. Deal with it. All right. I am the ghost. Hang on, hang on. What kind of old timey ghost carries a smartphone? It's a BlackBerry, John. This thing is ancient. All right. I'm the ghost of what could have been Christmas present if that popular boy you just saw grew up in your place. Behold. Oh, boy. You mean, oh, my God, I could have been. That's right. America's third Jewish president. Oh, my God. Mm. And that's not all, Mr. President. Signing this bill. Mm. Will end poverty in the United States. End poverty in the United States, you say? Well, I'll do it, but I'll make it quick, because as you know, I've got a Super bowl to win. What? America versus Al Qaeda. And I'm the quarterback. I could have been a president. Quarterback. What else were you gonna do when you quit the E. Geek Street Band? Mother. Oh, my God. Are you serious? I'm so serious now. I have a program. Yeah. Yeah. Not bad for a 5 foot 6 kid from Central Jersey. Wait, say that again. Not bad for a 5 foot 6 central kid from Jersey. I'm not kid from. I'm not 5 6. I'm 5 7. I'm not. Not in this world you're not. No, I'm glad to be. I'm glad to be a Jew at Christmas. I'm glad to be. I just had the craziest dream. And it taught me that Christmas belongs to all of us. Because all of us can find something in it to be angry about. You there, boy? Yes, sir. What day is it today? Yes. Why it be Christmas Day, sir. Then it's not too late. Here. Take this. Sure. Exactly. Take this coin. I will. Thank you. Wow. How did you ever become quarterback? How did I ever become quarterback? President. With that. I got it. I got it right here, Chef. Thanks, John. Lovely coin. Take this and go buy me the biggest Peking duck in all of Chinatown. Oh, that old will. Shut that old will. You and me are having Chinese food and going to the mother. Really, sir? Yeah. Quick question, sir. May we go see Jack Reacher, sir? Yes, absolutely. Huzzah for old man Stuart. Huzzah. It's gonna be the best Christmas for a Jew ever. Mazel tov, Governor. Muzzle. Tough. We'll be right back. I could walk. I could walk. You can. What is it like to live in that world of pure fear and despair where every Inconsequential change in what was becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post America apocalypse where only Muslims can swim. And the sidewalk game where decent law abiding white folk are randomly knocked out has replaced baseball as our national pastime. And a sense of persecution is always at its worst. Right around this time of year, a new battle in the war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The school district that's now saying faith based tunes have no place in their elementary school. The majority of Americans celebrate Christmas so everybody should have the right to enjoy this season without the interference of a few Bahambug bullies. How can I enjoy my Christmas when I know that somewhere a little Jewish boy isn't being forced to sing oh, little town of Bethlehem, where's the joy there? Who will save Christmas? Sarah Palin. She has a new book out about the meaning of Christmas. I was hoping for Blitzen, but she'll do. Carry on. Can you understand why somebody who is not a self identified Christian would feel uncomfortable with demonstration of something from the Bible, from the New Testament coming from the government? Because to them that might feel like their government is picking a religion and it's not theirs. Well, there are things that we can do about that to I guess lessen that offense. We can do that in our personal lives. For instance, in my family we have the menorah out through December on our kitchen table. I want to teach my children about the Jewish faith. Quick word to the Palin kids. While I appreciate the gesture, Jews don't actually just leave a menorah out for the month of December like a, like a knick knack in a curio case. It goes in the window and you only put it there for eight days. And also Palin kids, this is not a menorah. Now there's gotta be someone who can defend Christmas with a little more authority. Over the years we've taken on the role of protecting the federal holiday of Christmas even though it is not in any way threatened. But I'll bite. Since we do this dance every year. Tell me why this year it is especially egregious to use the phrase Happy Holidays. What is interesting this year is that Hanukkah will be over on Thursday so there are no more holidays between then and Christmas day. Damn you O'Reilly. We've been chickmated without Chanukah. We have no excuse to say Happy holidays plural because apparently you can't include anything past Christmas like Kwanzaa, Epiphany and New Year's Although by that logic, it means that up until Hanukkah, you can only say, happy Hanukkah. But who the cares about that? But. I'm sorry I interrupted your flow, Mr. O'Reilly. What other secular humanists are peeing on your yule log this year? Macy's, a company that I generally like. Macy's. Macy's isn't Christmassy enough for you? Macy's? Ms. Macy's. The one emblazoned with a bejeweled believe sign that can be seen from space. The one that looks as though someone ejaculated tinsel all over it. That Macy's. What have they done this year? They're touting Santa Claus, who will help you quote with your holiday wish list. So here's my question to Macy's. What holiday is Santa celebrating? Ah, that is a good question. Santa or Sinterklaas is celebrating the feast of St Nicholas, which originated in the Netherlands in the Middle Ages and occurs every December 6th. But you might not have heard about that because like every other December holiday, it was long ago sucked into the insatiable black hole that is Christmas. And by the way, you're upset with a department store because in their effort to get you to buy a Swarovski crystal hello Kitty snowman figurine, they're not invoking Christ's name enough. I thought Christians used to complain that their holiday was getting commercialized. Are those days gone? I love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the Christmas cheer. It's the most jolly holiday, obviously, on our calendar. Obviously. So commercialization is what's spreading Christmas cheer. Oh, I've been so confused about the message of that holiday for so long. I thought it was about opening one's homes to friends and family, not opening one's present and then returning it for store credit. Look, if the true spirit of Christmas is best spread and expressed through commercialism and materialism, then anyone who denounces those things is by the transit of property. Waging war on Christmas. Sarah Palin. Bill O'Reilly, meet your newest nemesis. Today, Pope Francis denounced trickle down economics as unfair to the poor. He takes a shot at commercialism, calling for Catholics everywhere to resist excessive capitalism and materialism. When will the Pope stop his war on Christmas? Well. Well, I hope his message is heard and someday Macy's will truly honor the spirit of Christmas. Look, we all know Christmas is everyone's favorite holiday. Everyone's. Everyone's. But it is very difficult for even our staunchest defenders of Christmas to keep the spirit of the season When Christmas, its very essence, is under constant siege by someone. Something. It's the subject of our new segment, War on Christmas Getting Weird Edition. First up, the General Patton of the War on Christmas. There's an even crazier topic out there. Remember this classic Seinfeld moment? Out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us. Oh, please. That's the classic episode. I mean, the episode was funny, but not Festivus. Yes, that episode was funny, but not Festivus. The central comedic conceit of that episode, not funny. Wait, why is Festivus not a holiday for the rest of us? Now, a nearly 6 foot tall Festivus pole made from empty beer cans about to go up at the Florida State Capitol. I'm not kidding. It's part of a not so subtle protest against the nativity scene already on display there. Who gives a. Can't. Can't you just pretend that it's. Can't you just pretend it's a place for the wise men to tie up their camels? How about that? I mean, really, you're concerned there's a six foot Festivus pole made out of beer cans? It's Florida. You're lucky. You're lucky there's not a stripper named Christmas swinging on it. You been to Florida? But I apologize. I apologize. You're upset. Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, oh yeah, kids, look, there's baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans. It's nuts. Yes, that sounds relatively nuts. Why are you driving around looking for nativity scenes in the car when you could just bring your kids to where you work where you put a giant nativity scene out on the plaza. But as much as I'm used to Gretchen's yearly manger danger warnings, little surprised to see Megyn Kelly going full Christmas nog. So in Slate, they have a piece on.com, santa Claus should not be a white man anymore. By the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is. And just so you know, we're just debating this because someone wrote about it. Kids. Just got real Santa. And who are you actually talking to? Children who are sophisticated enough to be watching a News channel at 10 o' clock at night, yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real, yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn't white. That's such a narrow. Yes, West Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But since we're pretending to debate this. Carry on. The author seems to have, you know, she's African American, and she seems to have real pain at having grown up with this image of a white Santa. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change. Actually, I think that's the official slogan of oppression. Oppression. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change. You know what's interesting? That's also the slogan of Arby's. I don't know why we do that. They're perfect. Perfectly nice people make perfectly nice food. I don't know why we continue to do this. Now, you may wonder why on this news channel they're making assertions of fact about a fictional character. Santa Claus is based on St. Nicholas, who was an actual person, a Greek bishop, and was a white man. You can't take facts and then try to change them to fit some sort of a political agenda or a sensitivity agenda. There is so much crazy going on here. So much crazy. I don't even have time to deal with a Fox News pundit saying you can't take facts and try and change them to fit some kind of political agenda. I can't say that even though that's all. That's how much crazy is going on here. But what she is suggesting is that you can't just arbitrarily change the facts about the real historical St Nicholas, who was a white man, even though he was from Greece, which is actually Turkey today. And that white man lives at the North Pole and drives a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. But you can't change the facts about it. Of course, the real St Nicholas was from a part of the world that is now Turkey. And according to forensic scientists who studied research originally commissioned by the Vatican, he probably looked something like this. So who exactly is changing the facts to make themselves more comfortable here, actual St. Nicholas? Well, my guess is there'd be no Christmas if he looked like that dude, because he's probably still on the no Fly List. And then things got really weird. Jesus was a white man, too, but, you know, it's like we have. He was a historical figure. I mean, that's a verifiable fact. I'll give you that. Jesus was an historical figure, but you're gonna get a little pushback on the white thing. You do know Jesus wasn't born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, right? For more, we're joined by Our Senior Christmas. Our Senior Christmas. Historical Accuracy correspondent Jessica Williams. Jessica, thank you for. Welcome to the show. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Merry. Merry Christmas. Well, the big news that I hear out of the whole Jesus is white thing is that Jews are white now. So congratulations, John. Congratulations. But, you know, what about Santa? Do you. Do you feel Santa is white? What about people insisting that Santa is white? Oh, John, Santa is white. That's just a fact. It's Miracle on 34th street, not Miracle on 134th Street. The only. The only Miracle on 134th street is that we get to participate at all. Half the time, Santa skips us on his way downtown, just like a taxicab. But here's the thing. Santa is fiction. He's. He's not even real. Hey. Hey, man, what the hell are you doing? Hey, kids, stop crying. Santa is real. As. And he's really white. He's really white. No, but that. Jessica, if we're. If we're talking history here, and that is what they're saying, we're talking fact and history. St. Nicholas was from the area of the world that is now Turkey. He was not some cherubic Wilford Brimley type. Hey, don't be stupid, John. A swarthy Turkish Santa will make people very uncomfortable. Yes, yes, yes. But that. Meghan said, just because you feel uncomfortable, that doesn't mean you should change it. Oh, wait, no. Megan said, if I feel uncomfortable, there's no need to change it. If white people feel uncomfortable, then we have to change it and then pretend it's the way it's always been. That's how this became this. It works that way for everything. Like how this becomes this. White people don't want to hear Jailhouse rock from somebody who'd actually been to jail. Real jail is uncomfortable, Elvis. Jail is fun. He did. He did. He looked like he was having a great time. He was dancing, right? Yeah. I mean, John, that's how it's done. First you fix history, then you lock that down forever in a vault. Sorry, Santa's not black just because some blogger wishes he was. Just like Megan's not black just because she spells her name creatively. And let's face it, John, there is no way this could be Santa. But what now? If it's very jolly, why not? Because the moment white folks saw a black man with a big old bag coming down their chimney, it'd be time to grab a gun and stand your ground. Jessica. Will Williams. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. The holidays are coming up and that means the start of a decades old tradition. Desi and I went on location to watch it happen. America has had its share of intractable wars, but Fox News has been tracking one forever war in particular. It's the War on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The War on Christmas. To the War on Christmas. And there's no end in sight. Now it feels like the war on Christmas is coming earlier and earlier every year. So we came to the Fox News All American Christmas Tree Lighting show to talk to people about how they're surviving the war on Christmas. I don't feel like there's a war on Christmas and I think if there was a war on Christmas, Christmas would win. Are you familiar with the War on Christmas? I've heard of it, but I don't really think it's actually a thing. So. Are you serious? People can't say Merry Christmas anymore? If I say Merry Christmas to my neighbor 10 times in a row, he looks at me like I'm crazy. Do you think that this tree lighting ceremony is so much smaller this year because Fox lost so much money in the Dominion lawsuit? That's very possible, but I haven't really put a lot of thought into that. Are you at all worried that there'll be no tree lighting ceremony next year when smartmatic comes in and takes the rest of the cast? Not really, no. No, no. But how will people even know it's Christmas outside of those Christmas decorations and those Christmas and those Christmas decorations? There's Rockefellers, there's some trees over back there. There's a Santa. Finally, we spoke to some civilians who truly have experienced the nog of war. Fox has talked a lot about how there is a war on Christmas. I think there is. If I were to say Happy Holidays, how would that make you feel? I might correct you. Some people talk about saying Happy Holidays. Fox is really proud about saying Merry Christmas. They say there's a war on Christmas. There is. There's a war on Christmas. I believe it. Look around you. Look at all the businesses. Look at the corporations that have, you know, not allowed you to say that. I think that people are scared to speak up about their Christianity, about their faith. Sure, there is a war on Christmas. And the group facing the most vitriol for sure are Christians. I think so. I do. Christians specifically. Yes. Right now. I think right now. But is defending Christmas enough to put them on Santa's nice list or does St. Nick reconsider when Fox News hosts say things like this? I want to say something about Arab Americans. We've had it with them. Okay. So naughty or nice? Someone at Fox News said we've had it with them, referencing Arabs in general. No, he's nice. So Jesse Waters would be in the nice, nice category. Maybe because I'm a New Yorker and I'm, you know, pretty, you know, used to stuff. Used to stuff. You know, I've been mugged. You've been mugged? Yeah. And so that's, like, led to an irrational career that you basically project onto an entire group of people. Yeah. So we got the five right here. Judge Jeanine. Yes. Naughty or nice? Nice. Nice. I love the judge. She sees the world. Call it as she sees it. Exactly. That lady knows her way around. Exactly. A bar. A bar. Naughty or nice? Fox News. Nice. Nice. Nice. Yes. What about when they lied to the American people about the election results? That's naughty. That's naughty. That is naughty. We can acknowledge that's naughty. But overall, Fox News. Nice. Nice. We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Who hasn't threatened the entire nation's trust in democracy? We also have one moment, right or 91. Right. We finally arrived at the moment to declare mission accomplished on the war on Christmas. 3, 2, 1. Happy holiday. Merry Christmas. Until next year, Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. 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