This Week's News | Jon on MAGA's Renee Good Hypocrisy & Klepper on Minnesotans' Response to ICE

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: This Week's News | Jon on MAGA's Renee Good Hypocrisy & Klepper on Minnesotans' Response to ICE
Date: January 17, 2026
Host: Comedy Central News Team featuring Jon Stewart, Jordan Klepper, and more.

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Overview

This episode satirically dissects a whirlwind week of U.S. and global headlines, with Jon Stewart and The Daily Show crew lampooning everything from President Trump’s chaotic foreign policy and authoritarian turn, to domestic protests and government hypocrisy. Key topics include Trump’s self-declared presidency of Venezuela, ICE raids and community resistance in Minnesota, bizarre cabinet scandals, the absurdity of new health guidelines, and right-wing alarmism over New York’s new mayor. The team strikes a tone of confused exasperation, using biting humor to highlight the surreal state of American politics in 2026.

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Major Discussion Points

1. The Trump Gravitron: Foreign and Domestic Chaos

(01:14–15:20)

• Surreal Domestic and Foreign Policy:
  Stewart opens in a state of “what the is happening?”, describing a vertigo-inducing news cycle from Venezuela to Iran and back home.
  • “We are on the Donald Trump Gravitron. We don’t know what up or down is. We just know it feels like we’re all gonna vomit.” (Jon Stewart, 01:29)
• Venezuela Oil Meeting Farce:
  Trump convenes oil executives (Exxon, Chevron, Halliburton) over Venezuela’s crisis, focusing on oil resource division instead of humanitarian consequences.
  • “He just made himself president of Venezuela on Wikipedia. But they’re the ones being glib?” (Stewart, 06:30)
• Greenland, Iran & Territorial Fantasies:
  Trump’s erratic declarations over Greenland (“We need Greenland very badly” [09:38]) and threats towards Iran highlight an unhinged foreign policy, bypassing diplomacy and international partnerships like NATO.

2. American Institutions Under Siege

(13:39–19:20)

• Fed Chairman Powell as Hostage:
  Jerome Powell appears beleaguered, drawing a quip: “It appears the chairman of the Federal Reserve is having a liquidity crisis.” (Stewart, 14:08)
• Contempt for Checks and Balances:
  The show lampoons the erosion of constitutional norms, quoting Trump’s hostile responses to media:
  • “What a stupid question. Are you stupid?... You fake news.” (Trump, mocked by Stewart, 15:27)
  • Stewart’s sarcasm reflects a sense of government by “lazy Susan of vengeful whims from our all powerful mad king.” (12:50)

3. January 6th Revisionism & Rule of Law Hypocrisy

(17:22–19:08)

• MAGA Double Standards:
  The discussion contrasts pro-Trump portrayals of Jan. 6 rioters (“peaceful people, great people” [17:22]) versus harsh crackdowns on others. The rhetoric especially targets hypocrisy towards law enforcement and pardons for supporters, versus the vilification of left-leaning protesters.

4. “Morality as Oversight”: The New American North Star

(19:08–20:00)

• Trump claims, “There’s one thing that could stop me. My own morality, my own mind.” (19:13)
• Stewart concludes, “So nothing but thank you. I’m no longer confused. In America today, Donald Trump is the sun. And if you revolve around him and worship him, his warmth shines upon you.” (19:20)

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5. Cabinet Scandals: From Evil to Absurd

(21:21–28:54)

• War Crimes and AI Abuses:
  Pete Hegseth’s alleged “war crime triple double” (22:19) and Elon Musk's AI Grok producing sexualized deepfakes serve as metaphors for runaway tech and government misconduct.

• Throwback Scandal Relief:
  The Labor Secretary’s alleged affair is celebrated for being a “90s-style” scandal instead of a regime-shaking abuse.

  • “That’s not evil. That’s not even perfidy. That’s the kind of throwback scandal we had in the 90s. Cowabunga, dude.” (Klepper, 24:25)

• Health Secretary RFK Jr. & Food Pyramid Absurdity:
  The team mocks new, meat- and dairy-heavy guidelines and Kennedy’s prohibition on alcohol, noting financial ties between advisory staff and the food industry:

  • “He sounds healthy. Real healthy. Yeah, no, you know what? I’m pretty sure this one is upside down. Unless I’m misremembering every pyramid photo I’ve ever seen.” (26:17)
  • “Three cheers for whole milk. Good stuff.” (27:33)

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6. Protest, Policing, and ICE in Minnesota

(29:54–38:50)

• Protests and Crackdowns:
  Jordan Klepper covers both the rhetoric and reality of Trump’s defense for protesters—except when it comes to those in Minnesota, where ICE uses extreme force:
  • “Overnight flashbangs lighting up the Minneapolis skies… Agents seen dragging people out of cars and spraying others directly in the face with chemicals.” (32:07)
• Racial Profiling and Overreach:
  Reports of racial profiling by ICE, including detaining Native Americans and citizens, lampooned sharply:
  • “Native Americans. Americans is right in the name. Sir, how long have you lived here? Oh, I don’t know. Since Pangea.” (34:25)
• Community Resistance:
  Minnesotans’ unique protest responses—delivering groceries, blaring whistles, and throwing slices of baloney—are celebrated as uniquely American:
  • “I think the Vikings have finally found their quarterback. I mean, that’s right. The protesters are fighting back and their weapons are launchable… Sorry, I read that wrong. Lunchable.” (35:12)
  • Memorable characters: dads with 70s boxing energy, “Pickle Rick, Esq.”

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7. Right-Wing Moral Panic Over NYC’s New Mayor

(42:22–46:00)

• Zoran Mamdani and the “Red Scare”:
  The arrival of NYC’s left-wing mayor, Zoran Mamdani, spurs hyperbolic right-wing panic, claims of “communist” tyranny, and satire about basic civic improvements (flattening bike paths, installing public toilets, free childcare).
  • “Everyone poops? No, sir. In America, the free market decides who poops!” (45:32)
• Bidets as Anti-American:
  The team mocks the outrage over installing bidets at Gracie Mansion.
  • “How dare you wash your butt. You take that coarse one ply and mash it around like you’re killing a spider up there. Like an American.” (46:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the State of the Union:
  • "All it takes is imagination. And by the way, if you’re getting up and walking to the window and you don’t think that’s enough of a doddering old man move, old Cankles McGee had one more chewable Tums up his sleeve." (Stewart, 05:03)
• On Hypocrisy:
  • “You’re doing some weird reverse woke land acknowledgement. I would like to acknowledge that Greenland sits on colonized and conquered indigenous people’s land. And I would also like to say dibs.” (Stewart, 12:04)
• On Protests and Rights:
  • "But the people of Minnesota, they gotta be careful. As we’ve seen, some of these ICE agents are poorly trained and hot tempered. If you’re going to confront them, you have to do it with courage, conviction, and the finest, most luxurious outerwear you can afford." (Klepper, 36:25)
• On Whole Milk PR:
  • “You’re making Ben Carson drink a glass of milk, the drink that famously helps us fall asleep at night. Are you insane? If Ben Carson gets any sleepier, he could die.” (27:52)
• On Food Pyramid:
  • “He sounds healthy. Real healthy. Yeah, no, you know what? I’m pretty sure this one is upside down. Unless I’m misremembering every pyramid photo I’ve ever seen.” (26:17)
• On Administrative Absurdity:
  • “Yesterday illustrates what a strange mixture this administration is. Some hybrid of warplanes and clown cars.” (42:22)

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Important Timestamps

• Donald Trump’s Venezuela/Iran/Greenland Policy Chaos: 01:14–12:00
• Checks and Balances Mocked: 13:39–15:41
• January 6th Revisionism: 17:22–19:08
• Morality as the Only Limit: 19:08–20:00
• Cabinet/Ethics Scandals: 21:21–28:54
• Minnesota ICE Raids & Community Response: 29:54–38:50
• Greenland/Diplomatic Fallout: 40:18–42:22
• NYC’s “Communist” Mayor Satire: 42:22–46:30

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Tone & Style

Classic Daily Show: outraged, bewildered, deeply sarcastic, and darkly funny. The episode drips with incredulity over the normalization of authoritarianism, double standards, and political theater, finding laughter in the absurdity while conveying a persistent sense of alarm about the state of democracy.

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For Listeners Who Missed The Episode

This episode covered a barrage of headline chaos—militarism abroad, ICE overreach at home, performative health policy, and the farcical logic of MAGA governance. Stewart and the team use biting satire to expose hypocrisy, highlight the double standards of power, and celebrate everyday Americans resisting in small but mighty ways. If you haven’t listened, you’ll get a blisteringly funny and unsettling portrait of an America where up is down and “dibs” replaces diplomacy.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

They are battle tested.

[B]

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[C]

The most remarkable turnaround in the history of college football.

[B]

The Football Playoff national championship. Presented by AT&T Monday at 7:30pm Eastern on ESPN and the ESPN app.

[C]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[B]

What the is happening? What the is happening in this country? From Minnesota to Venezuela to Iran to Greenland, Cuba, Mexico, Colombia to Philadelphia. I'm sorry. Not all the news was bad. Why is the President of the United States the declaring on Wikipedia that he is now the president of Venezuela? That's real. Why is our Fed chairman making what appears to be a hostage video? How the f steak become the healthiest food in the country? What is happening? We are on the Donald Trump Gravitron. We don't know what up or down is. We just know it feels like we're all gonna vomit. Each moment brings another event with cataclysmic implications and consequences. And the guy at the center of it, the instigator, the catalyst of all this chaos and confusion, he's just out there tgifing it. Oh, hey. What's up, everybody? Hey. See you soon. Not if I see you first. Boom, boom, boom. Just look at Venezuela. We took it over, what, three days ago, four days ago, five days ago? I don't remember. Meanwhile, our State Department says, if you're an American, there are armed gangs in Venezuela trying to kill you. So you would think that maybe this calls for a little gathering in the situation tent or wherever is operationally right for talking about Venezuela right now. But the president had a different idea.

[C]

President Trump convening top oil executives at the White House to talk about divvying up Venezuela's oil.

[B]

What the happening? He has a meeting of all of the most important stakeholders. Exxon, Chevron, Halliburton, and of course, the guy from Dune who lives in the oil bank. By the way, I think you can tell I don't use that treatment. By the way, lest you worry that Donald Trump is in any way feeling the burden of this moment, the terrifying responsibility of so many lives held in his hands, let me reassure you, he's fine.

[D]

Here we are. And in fact, if you look, come to think of it, well, I got to look at this myself.

[B]

Sir, we're trying to have an urgent meeting on possibly the collapse of a petro state. You just gotta walk out of the window and look at. Look at Rubio and Vance. Look at. Look at the faces on Heckle and Jekyll over there. Just look at him smiling like, oh, Paul.

[C]

Pa.

[B]

He's so cute. You should see him when the ice cream truck goes by. Wow.

[D]

What a view. This is the door to the ballroom. Well, what did you have? Really?

[B]

This. This meeting is the moment for your funny ballroom. Act him out. Armed gangs are roaming freely through both of the countries you say you run right now. But go ahead, take a moment to look at what might be through the window. You're like the Walt Disney of chaos. All it takes is imagination. And by the way, if you're getting up and walking to the window and you don't think that's enough of a doddering old man move, old Cankles McGee had one more chewable Tums up his sleeve.

[D]

You're all going to do very well, I think. Really, very well. Marco just gave me a note. Go back to Chevron. They want to discuss something. Go ahead. I'm going back to Chevron.

[B]

Thank you, Marco. Does anyone else have a private note they'd like me to read aloud? Anybody? Now, by the way, there was an oil company, Exxon, that expressed some reservations about investing money in rebuilding the infrastructure of a country that is, and I quote, not ours and is somewhat volatile at the moment. How did the President handle this? Somewhat rational cost benefit analysis.

[D]

I'd probably be inclined to keep Exxon out. I didn't like their response. They're playing too cute.

[B]

They're playing too cute. You just made yourself the president of Venezuela on Wikipedia. But they're the ones that are being glibbed. Do you see how up everything is right now? First of all, I have to defend the good faith of an oil company because they don't think they can safely extract another country's resources in as cost effective a manner as might benefit their Shareholders, who am I anymore? And by the way, Donald, why are you the President of Venezuela? Doesn't your oath of office to America have a non compete. What are we doing? What are you just trying to pick up a few extra hours? What, the holidays hit you hard? I just need a little couple extra bucks until like February, March. That ballroom's not gonna pay for itself. Meanwhile, in Iran, protesters have taken to the streets, tired of the totalitarian rule of the mullahs and have been gunned down in the streets. Protests and violence have broken out throughout that country. It is chaotic and fragile. So guess who's thinking about stepping right in? That's right, the President of Venezuela.

[D]

I have options that are so strong. So I mean, if they did that, it'll be met with a very, very powerful force.

[B]

I have options. Did you hear what he. I have options. Not Congress, not the American people. I. Apparently Trump is the sole factor in all decisions everywhere throughout the world. Now he just wants to take a little more time staring out the window before he lets us know what fresh hell he will unleash next. And the most confusing thing about his reason for intervening in Iran is his reason.

[C]

President Trump has warned of striking Iran if the regime kills protesters.

[D]

There seem to be some people killed that aren't supposed to be killed.

[B]

We may have to bomb Iran to prevent Iran's government from shooting protesters. Look directly into camera with an expression of half bewilderment and despair. P.S. john, don't read this part. And if that's not enough, in the middle of all this, we are going.

[D]

To do something on Greenland, whether they like it or not. I would like to make a deal, you know, the easy way. But if we don't do it the easy way, we're gonna do it the hard way.

[B]

It's Greenland. Based on my knowledge, everything there is done the hard way. You know, when you order food in Greenland, Uber eats, takes eight days and they don't deliver over fjords. So the point is, people don't fill up on Iran and Venezuela and Minneapolis. You gotta save room for this other invasion. It's like a whole mukbang of catastrophic possibilities. It's exhausting. This is all just one weekend. And why do we even need Greenland?

[D]

We need Greenland very badly.

[C]

Why?

[B]

And why do we suddenly need all of Venezuela's oil and whatever is buried under Greenland?

[D]

What is.

[B]

Can I ask a question? Are we broke? Is that why we have to do all this? Did you lose your job? Did you somehow Trump casino the United States? Cause if the country needs money we can all get second jobs. We'll all be president somewhere. If Wikipedia will have us. I don't understand. Why do we have to take over Greenland?

[D]

If we don't do it, Russia or China will take over Greenland. And we're not going to have Russia or China as a neighbor.

[C]

We're already.

[B]

Russia's already our ne. This is where Greenland is. Russia's closer. Unless in your mind, you think Alaska lives in a box next to Hawaii. No, no, no, I get it, I get it, I get it. We don't want Russia or China to take over Greenland. Oh, you know what we could do to deter it? Not through arrogance or conquest, but what if we formed like kind of an alliance with Denmark and Greenland? We could include all the North Atlantic nations. What. What would we call this? Like, like almost like a North Atlantic Treaty Organization that we. I don't know what we could. I guess we'll never know. But again, since we all now dance to the tune of Juan Piper, what possible justifications could you have for just taking someone else's land? And please, if you would irony proof your answer.

[D]

I'm a fan of Denmark, but you know, the fact that they had a boat land there 500 years ago doesn't mean that they own the land.

[B]

Can someone pass him a note? How do you think we got our land? We landed here on a boat 500 years ago and it was ours. And you're out there. Hey, Denmark doesn't own it because they landed on it 500 years ago. That's like the argument you make when you want to give land back to the people who were already there. Not for you to then take it because you've got a bigger boat. You're doing some weird reverse woke land acknowledgement. I would like to acknowledge that Greenland sits on colonized and conquered indigenous people's land. And I would also like to say dibs. Why am I even trying, by the way? Why do I even care to figure this out? It's not like anyone on your side ever takes the effort to convince all of us on the United States long term policy goals. It all just appears to be like a lazy Susan of vengeful whims from our all powerful mad king. Did you know Trump doesn't like Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell? Because Trump wants to be able to dictate our country's interest rates himself. Now this poor Jerome Powell. Now you got him looking like he's broadcasting from Taliban territory.

[C]

The Department of Justice served the Federal Reserve with grand jury subpoenas, threatening a criminal Indictment related to my testimony before the Senate Banking Committee last June. That testimony concerned, in part, a multi year project to renovate historic Federal Reserve office buildings.

[B]

Can someone get this mother a glass of water? And by the way, I don't feel good about this next joke, but I'm about to do it. It's not politically incorrect, it's just inside finance. So anyone who doesn't listen to Bloomberg surveillance in the morning, you can just leave the room. I'll wait. Okay. Wow, that dude, he's struggling. It appears the chairman of the Federal Reserve is having a liquidity crisis. That's going to kill at the terminals. I'm going to remind you all of this is happening in one weekend. All of it. One weekend. This president has made monumental changes to the manner in which this country operates. And the American people are rightfully feeling a vertigo about how a country born on self determination and constitutional republic principles can turn into. Whatever you say, boss. Sounds like a good idea, boss. So I think the American people reasonably have questions. But when the American people raise those questions.

[D]

Seriously, what a stupid question. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? It's a stupid question. Just a terrible question. You are a terrible reporter. You're a terrible person and a terrible reporter. You've got nothing about nothing. You fake news.

[B]

Quiet. How dare we? How dare we? How dare we question His Excellency? I don't know what we were thinking. You know what, I'm. So. We owe you an apology, sir. Mr. President, sir, we are so deeply sorry to have questioned your singular and delicate genius. It's just that this is a kind of an adjustment for us because we've all been raised in the American system of government. I'm not going to get into the weeds with it. 3 CO. Equal branches of government, checks and balances. Something about quartering soldiers. I think it's quartering. It's incursive. The Q could be a P or an S. The point is this. That's what we've been operating under for the last 250 years. If you want to learn about it, President Trump, you can ask all your acolytes. They say they keep it in their pockets. I guess it's kind of a relic. So just have to give us some time to adjust to this new world of total compliance so we can understand the rules. Because, you know, it's confusing. Like for instance, we all watched the footage of January 6th, but I think we may have gotten a very different interpretation of it rather than the correct interpretation of it, which of course Is yours. So help me out here. We'll play a game. On January 6th, a bunch of.

[C]

They were peaceful people. These were great people went to the.

[D]

Capitol peacefully protesting a stolen election. I have never seen such spirit and such passion and such love.

[B]

But while they were there, Capitol Hill.

[A]

Police officers instigated the violence that day.

[B]

So the people we saw earlier beating the shit out of police officers were hardworking, loving people provoked by law enforcement. And ultimately, they deserve a full part. Got it. Don't agree that's what actually happened or what should have happened afterwards, but at least it sets a precedent. But now let's jump ahead, I don't know, a day to January 7th. We've all seen that footage. I think I know what I saw that day, too. But let's go through it again with the correct interpretation. On January 7, a highly disrespectful, deranged.

[C]

Lunatic woman, professional ice agitator, domestic terrorist, did what? This woman used her car as a weapon, tried to run over an ICE.

[B]

Agent, an attempted murder, and so she was shot and killed. So while very little of the descriptions that you were saying matched what we all saw on the tape, the important lesson here is what she brought it upon herself. Mother, we are in a confusing, dark place. And this is where, quite frankly, rule of law and institutions are kind of an important framework. But now that those are gone, what's our North Star?

[A]

Do you see any checks on your.

[C]

Power on the world stage? Is there anything that could stop you.

[A]

If you wanted to?

[D]

Yeah, there's one thing. My own morality, my own mind.

[B]

So nothing but thank you. I'm no longer confused. Couldn't be more clear. In America today, Donald Trump is the son. And if you revolve around him and worship him, his warmth shines upon you. You could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose his support as long as it's done on his behalf. But if you do not support him, if you live in the darkness of what I guess we will refer to from now on as blue states, fearing the day he turns his terrible wrath towards you, whether you're a single human woman on a side street somewhere in Minneapolis, or a sovereign nation that happens to have land and resources that we, a larger sovereign nation, think we also might want. And so his people are making a bet that adhering to a principle of forced compliance and coercion will give us a more stable and prosperous America than a principle of shared alliance and common interest. It's kind of a tough bet, because I read somewhere, I don't know where that people have inalienable rights granted by a creator, not a king. So holding that coerced world together is going to be kind of a tall task. But if anybody's up for it, it's Donald Trump, A man with unrivaled focus and discipline. Actually, you know what? Could you give me a second? I'm just, you know, I'm so curious. I just wanna go and see. This episode is brought to you by Dead Man's Wire, the new film from Roquet Entertainment. Dead Man's Wire is the incredible true story of the 1977 kidnapping that turned an aspiring entrepreneur into an outlaw folk hero. Directed by legendary filmmaker Gu van Sant, Dead Man's Wire stars Bill Skarsgrd, Dacre Montgomery, Cary Elways and My halla with Colman Domingo and Al Pacino. Now playing in select theaters everywhere. January 16th.

[C]

Let's begin with Pete Hegseth, the secretary of defense. Slash war creatine. Now, he's been accused of committing war crimes by droning boats up and down the Venezuelan coast. And yesterday he was accused of an entirely new war crime. So I hate to ask, what is it? A war crime called perfidy. Perfidy? Is that where we're at with this administration that we're studying up on the B side, war crimes? I mean, why do I feel like the Trump people got a crime of the day calendar and they're just trying to do them all? All right, all right. Okay. So what is this terrible thing that we are apparently engaged in? Perfidy, which prevents combatants from intentionally fooling adversaries into believing they are civilians. The aircraft used in the attack on.

[A]

September 2 was painted to look like a civilian plane.

[C]

Okay, all right. So if you're keeping track, not only did Pete Hegseth bomb people he was supposed to arrest, he then bombed their wreckage again, and he did it with a disguised military plane. My man did a war crime triple double. They are gonna hang his jersey up in the rafters next to Henry Kissinger's glasses. Moving on to another person that's been dipping his toe back into the worst wing. Elon Musk. Now, he's back in the news right now because his AI Grok is in a bit of a controversy. The good news, it's not Hitler stuff this time. The bad news is what's replaced it. Tonight, Grok, the AI tool from Elon Musk's company X, is under fire. The app, which has an image editing feature, is now being used to create non consensual and sexualized deepfake images. Grok was producing at least a dozen inappropriate images every minute. People were commanding the chatbot to take people's clothes off, basically. Wow. Okay, this. This is a tough one. On one hand, you are violating the consent of women around the world, but on the other hand, where else are you gonna find pictures of naked ladies online? We have the world's most powerful computers, and this is what we're doing with them. I mean, when the printing press came out, were monks? Like, okay, we'll get to the Gutenberg Bible, but first, make 40 copies of Gregor's ass cheeks. All right, get on it. I mean, is every Trump cabinet member spending their whole day actively destroying the country? I mean, I don't even want to check in with the. I don't know, the Labor Secretary. Labor Secretary Lori Chavez. Jeremy is under an internal investigation. Of course. Of course you're under investigation. What, are you crushing unions? Are you bringing back child labor? Are you declaring paternity leave? Kind of gay. What is it? What terrible thing is it?

[B]

The complaint alleges she pursued an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate, including several visits.

[C]

To an apartment and hotel rooms while traveling. That's it? An inappropriate relationship? Hallelujah. That's not evil. That's not even perfect. That's the kind of throwback scandal we had in the 90s. Cowabunga, dude. You know, Come on, tell me more. The complaint alleges drinking in the office.

[B]

During the workday, including a reported stash of champagne, bourbon, and Kahlua.

[C]

Okay, Kahlua, huh? You're a cabinet secretary. You're not a college freshman building up the courage to lose your virginity at a frat party. But you know what? You have disgraced your office with your alleged personal conduct. And let me just say, thank you. It is such a relief to have a scandal based on a Trump official not doing their job instead of doing an evil job too well. But let's move on from people accused of having affairs to something completely different. Health Secretary RFK Jr. The man with a face for radio and a voice for closed captioning. And now, yes, now, RFK Jr. He's telling you what to eat and drink if you want to be just as healthy as him.

[B]

At a White House briefing, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Introduced new guidelines that emphasize eating proteins, fresh vegetables, dairy products, and whole grains, while cutting back on processed foods and.

[C]

Added sugar on alcohol. Americans should limit consumption in the best case scenario.

[B]

I don't think you should drink alcohol.

[C]

Ah, great news. We're not in the best case scenario.

[A]

Right now.

[C]

No, no, that's not where we are.

[A]

No.

[C]

If we were in the best case scenario, our health wouldn't be in the hands of a man who looks like a 1930s basketball. So if you'll excuse me, Secretary Lori and I will keep pounding those White Russians. Thank you very much. But. Okay. All right, so lots of protein, full fat, dairy, and alcohol, if you're keeping up with the news. And I'm assuming there's a simple logical graphic to help understand the new recommendations. See the food pyramid here? It's upside down. A lot of you know, say, but it was actually upside down before, and we just righted it. He sounds healthy. Real healthy. Yeah, no, you know what? I'm pretty sure this one is upside down. Unless I'm misremembering every pyramid photo I've ever seen. You know what? Don't worry. Don't worry about the confusing food pyramid, because the health department is also spreading the word with the most dynamic, charismatic spokesman they could find.

[B]

Three cheers for whole milk. Good stuff.

[C]

Yeah. This is going to get the kids to drink milk. Timothee Chalamet.

[B]

Yawn.

[C]

Kai Sanat. Pass. Oh, shit. Is that former HUD secretary Ben Carson? Sign me up. Also, you're making Ben Carson drink a glass of milk, the drink that famously helps us fall asleep at night. Are you insane? If Ben Carson gets any sleepier, he could die. You know what? I'm sure the guidelines to eat more meat and dairy is based on the best possible science and nothing else. We should Note, of the 10 people on Kennedy's team, half reported financial ties to the beef, pork or dairy industries. Wow. Wow. You know what? In any other administration, I'd say half of the team had financial ties. But with the Trump administration, I'd say, wow, only half had financial ties. You know what? That's three cheers of whole milk. You know, good stuff. Good stuff. All right, listen up. Nacho chips, quiet down.

[B]

Crispy potatoes.

[C]

This is the moment Velveeta's been preparing.

[B]

You for, and you're not about to crack under pressure.

[C]

Today's the day to go all in on the drip.

[B]

Velveeta's Heat n Eat queso is the MVP of any game day spread, so stick by them and you'll be golden. Now get out there and make delicious history. No tailgate party is complete without Velveeta. On December 12, Disney invites you to go behind the scenes with Taylor Swift in an exclusive six episode docu series.

[C]

I wanted to give something to the.

[A]

Fans that they didn't expect.

[C]

The only thing left is to close.

[B]

The book the end of an era, and don't miss Taylor Swift. The Eras Tour, the final show featuring for the first time, the Tortured poets.

[C]

Department.

[B]

Streaming December 12, only on Disney.

[C]

Yesterday, our beloved President Trump visited real Americans working, real jobs at a real factory. And you know, these are his people. So I'm sure he got a much needed boost of support as the president toured a Ford manufacturing factory. This moment caught on camera in video obtained by TMZ. One man shouting the president, pedophile protector, President Trump mouthing an expletive in response and appearing to give the man the middle finger. Whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. President, you can't flip off a citizen that way, not with your delicate hands. They'll be bruised for weeks. I don't know why Trump's so upset. I mean, he could have called you a pedophile, but he kept it to pedophile protector out of respect for the office. And for all we know, that guy could have been a pedophile requesting pedophile protection. Help me. Help me. I know that's your thing. Redact me the out of here, Mr. President, please. But Trump wasn't just there to do hand stuff. No, he also gave a speech where he had a message for all the people who have been out on the streets from. For the last few days.

[D]

Keep protesting and save the name of the killers and the abusers that are abusing you. You're being very badly abused. One death is too much.

[C]

Wow. Wow. Standing up for the protesters in Minnesota. You know, people call this guy a dictator, a fascist, a pedophile protector, but here he is with a full throated defense of Americans, right to protest their government.

[D]

I've canceled all meetings with the Iranian officials until the senseless killing of protesters stops.

[C]

He's talking about Iran. Okay, my mistake. Yes, okay, but you know what? You know what? It doesn't matter. Because President Trump is nothing if not consistent in his beliefs and ironclad in his principles. And I know that his police force will treat Americans with the same empathy and restraint when they. Oh, you know where this is going? Overnight flashbangs lighting up the Minneapolis skies. Agents seen descending on protesters earlier Tuesday.

[B]

Federal agents seen dragging people out of their cars and spraying others directly in the face with chemicals.

[C]

Holy shit. I mean, I don't know what's more terrifying, them hitting that guy point blank with pepper balls or him not even flinching at them. Although, to be fair, it's like the pepper spray is only warming him up. Now the administration wants you to believe that these protesters are the ones out of line here because ICE agents are just a group of well trained, methodical police officers carrying out their duties, taking out the worst of the worst. But in reality, this is what Minnesotans are seeing. The Trump administration has only double or tripled down on these ICE raids, leading to more. More instances of racial profiling. The ICE agents asked to see the IDs of the three non white employees and didn't even bother to ask the.

[B]

White employee for the identification. Stops at highway exits where people are being pulled out of their cars and asked to show identification.

[C]

An American citizen named Christian Molina was driving down the road when ICE knocked on his door and asked for him to show him his identification. Agents arresting two workers outside a Minnesota target. A state lawmaker says they're both. Both U.S. citizens. ICE agents demanding that an Uber driver show them id. I'm working, dude. You were from this country. What do you mean if I'm from this country? I could hear. You don't have the same accent as me. That's why I'm. Oh, so you're going by accents now? I want to know where you are.

[B]

Where were you born?

[C]

This is outrageous. Are you seriously trying to question a person's citizenship because they have an accent in Minnesota where people sound like this?

[B]

So where are you girls from?

[C]

Jaska Le Sueur. But I went to high school in White Bear Lake. You know, Go Bears. Okay, speak American. Come on. And if you're wondering just how off target ICE is getting in their supposed focus on illegal immigrants, the answer is.

[B]

Tribal leaders confirm that four Native American men have been detained by ICE in Minneapolis.

[C]

Native Americans. Americans is right in the name. Sir, how long have you lived here? Oh, I don't know. Since Pangea. Let's not beat around the bush here. What the government is doing right now in Minnesota is blatantly un American, but the response to it is as American as can be.

[B]

Some community members are not only protesting, they're also looking out for their neighbors. Volunteers delivering groceries to immigrant families all.

[C]

Around the Twin Cities. You hear these ear piercing whistles. Activists blow the whistles when they see agents to alert the anti ICE network. Agents drive in and out all day.

[B]

Greeted by protesters with profanity and occasionally.

[C]

Occasional slices of baloney thrown at their vehicles. Oh, man, I'm not tired. Wow. I mean, that is solid aim. I think the Vikings have finally found their quarterback. I mean, that's right. The protesters are fighting back and their weapons are launchable. Sorry, I read that wrong. Lunchable Their weapons are lunchables. I have to say, this is not only rude to ice, it is disrespectful to the dog who gave his life to become that baloney. Lot of baloney fans here. I say read the ingredients, folks. In fact, the downside is you did just give those guys free lunch. Because you know, those ice agents aren't letting a perfectly good slice of car door bologna go to waste. But the people of Minnesota, they gotta be careful. As we've seen, some of these ICE agents are poorly trained and hot tempered. If you're going to confront them, you have to do it with courage, conviction, and the finest, most luxurious outerwear you can afford. A bunch of bitches, if I've ever seen a bunch. And I'm telling you to your face, and if you don't like it, you go, Can this guy be my dad? I mean, I mean, goddamn, I can't believe this dude is from Minnesota and not from a Quentin Tarantino movie. The depravity of the police state is so deep that people are time traveling from a boxing match in the 1970s just to call out their bullshit. Now, the protesters aren't just confronting ice. Right wing media has been on the ground in Minneapolis trying to make the case that the situation is justified. And the residents are giving those right wing outlets the respect that their reporting deserves.

[B]

We're just trying to have an intelligent conversation.

[D]

I don't act this way.

[B]

You want to engage in intelligent conversation? You think us taxpayers should be funding housing for illegals and medical care?

[C]

Smart man. I get the feeling that she didn't actually think he was smart. See, that is how you turn your weaknesses into strengths. You know, she brings that energy to her daughter's high school graduation party that she swore she'd be cool at. That's a nightmare. She brings it to a fascist takeover. Let this lady cook. Now, obviously not all the protesters are talking to the media in such a ridiculous way. Some of them are offering very serious, impassioned arguments while dressed in a ridiculous way. Why are you out here today, Pickle Rick? I'm out here today because they are terrorizing Minnesota.

[B]

They are terrorizing my friends, neighbors, and my clients.

[C]

Hold on. Hold up. Your clients? I didn't realize it was Pickle Rick, Esq. Over here. That explains the billboards I keep seeing on the highway. Bottom line, what's happening in Minnesota is dark. But the community response is inspiring. These brutal and authoritarian police tactics have brought together a coalition of Midwesterners that spans from pickles to wine. Moms to Vietnam veterans with incredible drip. And none of this had to happen if Donald Trump treated Americans with respect for their inherent rights. But if you're gonna come at Americans with this attitude, don't be surprised when they come right back at you twice as hard.

[B]

This is pro linebacker TJ Watt. And I'm back with YPB by Abercrombie.

[C]

For another activewear drop.

[B]

My second co design collection has new shorts and tanks that keep up with.

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Online and in stores because your personal best is greater than anything.

[A]

New year.

[C]

Same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary.

[B]

Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California.

[C]

And for delivery, I'll tell you what, there is so much going on in the world today. Domestic strife, international uprisings. Verizon went down for four hours yesterday, so I had to Google myself on my desktop like a loser. But with all the chaos in the world, I'm so glad we have a president who's laser focused on the issues that matter most.

[D]

You see that beautiful milk? That's what we're here for, discussing milk and whole milk and how good it is.

[C]

Yes, milk. Mr. President, thank you for shining a light on this important issue and also for having a big jug of milk on your desk as a visual aid in case people forget what milk is. I mean, how are these people intolerant of everything except lactose? But while Trump was focused on his domestic priorities, his underlings were taking care of the smaller issues. You know, like invading Europe. Tonight, as President Trump escalates his push to take over Greenland. Top officials from Greenland and Denmark traveling to Washington to plead their case to the Vice president and Secretary of State. But they emerged saying the two sides have a, quote, fundamental disagreement. It's clear that the president has this wish of conquering over Greenland. Okay, first of all, why are they doing a press conference from the cocktail hour at a web? This is dark day for Greenland. Hold on to those crab cakes. Yes, you can tell this meeting didn't go well by the way delegation rushed to smoke immediately after. I mean, look. Look at him rushing. Look at this guy. He's literally sprinting to the car to grab a smoke and calm his nerves. One meeting with J.D. vance and Marco Rubio will turn you into the Ben Affleck meme. So these diplomatic talks might not work out and Europe's not waiting to take action.

[B]

Denmark says it's expanding its military footprint.

[A]

In Greenland over President Trump's push to annex the Danish territory.

[B]

You've got Germany, France, Sweden, and Norway.

[A]

All sending military personnel to the island this week for a joint exercise with Denmark.

[C]

This is wild. Germany, Sweden, France, Norway all sent soldiers because of us. And you know, they're pissed. They're supposed to be on one of their 37 weeks of vacation right now, but no, we have to go to war. Yesterday illustrates what a strange mixture this administration is. Some. Some hybrid of warplanes and clown cars. Because everyone from resistance libs to his own vice president has compared Trump to Hitler. But I'm pretty sure Hitler never took a break from invading Poland to be like today. I just want to talk about mil. It does oot. Fatigoot. Never happened. I don't think it happened. But while the authoritarian experiment is playing out on an international level, right here in New York City, we're in the midst of our own political experiment. Two weeks ago, our capitalist utopia was invaded by a communist dreamboat, Zoran Mandani. And our American patriots have been sounding the alarm on what's to come. A foreign born Muslim communist who hates the greatest nation on earth and wants to change it is now in power.

[B]

Mamdani's breadline's coming to the city soon. It's going to be extreme. It's going to be anti American.

[C]

As he plunges the city ever deeper into the mess his socialism helped create.

[B]

New York is going to be bankrupt in six months.

[C]

Another great American city is going to swirl down the drain. Down the drain, down the drain. Have you guys been to New York during a flash flood? Nothing goes down the drain here. Nothing. Nothing. At best, New York will be floating down the curb next to a used condom. But we've been warned and we didn't listen. So let's find out what's in store for us in our new segment on Zoran Mamdani's New York.

[B]

I can see the door of a.

[C]

Better day for humanity. No, That's a graphics package.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

It's been two weeks since Sauron seized power in a brutal democratic coup d', etat, or what some are calling an election. So what nightmare, dystopian agenda has he pursued since taking office? On Tuesday, Mayor Mamdani grabbed a shovel and joined Transportation Department workers to fix a bump at the foot of the bike path before Delancey Street. Yeah, see, that's. Oh, whoa, whoa. That's how it starts. Classic communism. First they level out the roads, then they level out the social classes. What else is he doing here?

[B]

Zoram Hamdame.

[C]

He says he's making a $4 million.

[B]

Commitment to bring modular, high quality bathrooms like these to the five boroughs.

[C]

Wow. Wow. Straight out of the well known communist playbook. Everyone poops? No, sir. In America, the free market decides who poops. I always say it's better to piss your pants as a free man than to use the toilet as a slave. Okay, Mamdani, what else are you gonna force down our freedom loving throats? Mayor Mamdani spent this morning announcing plans for expanded free childcare. No longer do New Yorkers have to make the choice between this city and their family. No, no, no. New Yorkers should be watching their own kids at all times. It's called personal responsibility. Isn't that right, Jordan Jr? Jordan. Jordan Jor. If anyone sees my child, feed him, please. Besides, if you're watching right wing news, you know what a Mamdani childcare scheme is going to look like. Do you remember that cringy YouTube star for the toddler set and Palestinian advocate, Ms. Rachel? Well, she's teaming up with your favorite mayor, Comrade Mandani. If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hand. Oh, man, that's terrible. I think. I think, yes. I think. You know what? Why don't. Why don't you tell me why this is terrible? She's normalizing these socialist ideas for children and their parents. Ah, right, right. We can't normalize the socialist ideas of being happy and knowing it. And really wanting to show it. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know what? I am sorry. I am really trying hard to get into this whole anti Mamdani red scare fever. But you know what? I'm gonna give him a chance. From everything I've seen, it does not look like he's an un American extremist looking to add foreign influence into this city. One thing that we will change is we will be installing a few bidets into Gracie Mansion. A bidet? A bidet. You. You monster. How dare you wash your butt. You take that coarse one, ply and mash it around like you're killing a spider up there. Like an American. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

[A]

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