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The Daily Stoic
Decide What to Be and Go Be It | How Would The Stoics Handle Social Media Envy?
00:19:03
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- [00:00]
A
Welcome to the daily Stoic podcast, designed to help bring those four key Stoic virtues, courage, discipline, justice and wisdom into the real world. Decide what to be and go be it. In a way, it's easier to think about the greats as being made of superior stock, to think of Cato as coming from a long line of distinguished ancestors, to think of Marcus Aurelius as being being someone who's naturally wise and decent. It lets us off the hook to think of virtue as something someone is born with, as something all or nothing. But as we've talked about many times, Aristotle's insight was that this is nonsense. Virtue is no different than any other skill. You don't have it, you do it and you get better at it the more you do it. If you want to be generous, if you want to be brave, if you want to be honest, if you want to be tough, if you want to be an early riser. It's not a complicated formula. In fact, by wanting to be those things, you've already taken an important step. First say to yourself what you would be, Epictetus tells us, and then do what you have to do. The second part is harder, but hardly complicated. You start tipping bigger. You start doing the stuff that scares you, stop dancing around your real opinions. You push yourself physically. You set your alarm, and in doing this, you become what you wish you were. And that's basically what we built the daily Stoic habits for success, habits for happiness challenge around. It's six weeks of forcing you to be the habits to do the virtue that you know you're going to want to have and to be. It's daily actions that compound into long term habits and results. There was a study by the University College of London that shows it takes something like 66 days to establish a habit for a behavior to become automatic, to become part of who we are. And so I want you to think about who you could be two months from now, or who you could be right now had you started two months ago. That wasn't that long ago, that was May, right? How quickly that time has passed, but how long habits that you had started then, could last, could endure, could be a part of you had you picked them up. I don't want you to let any more time pass by. I want you to think about what a habit would be worth if you started it today, if you had it established by September. And that's what the course is. We built this course many years ago. It's helped thousands of people all over the world build habits step by step and develop lasting change in their lives. But we updated it now for this moment. We wanted to keep the things that worked, wanted to add some new ones. We added some great new tools to help you reflect and sort of meditate on the changes you're making. There's also a great new community space because I think habits are something best done with others. It's really awesome. We're going to start it on July 21st, so I'd love to see it in there. We're offering a group discount if you enroll with some of your friends and you can sign up today@dailystoic.com habits. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't think stoicism is about being emotionless, but it is about thinking about those strong emotions we have, questioning them, getting to the bottom of them, asking if they're healthy or productive or not, asking if they're based on anything real or not. And these are all questions I've been over with my therapists over the years. I said plural because I' switched at different times in my life based on where I lived, what I need. One thing that's been consistent, though, is I always do remote therapy. I want to find the best person, which means I don't really care where they live. And also I don't want to drive across town. I don't want to wait in traffic. I don't want to do any of that. That's where today's sponsor comes in. If you've been considering therapy, check out today's sponsor, BetterHelp. BetterHelp makes finding a therapist super easy. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you. You can switch at any time. And with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, and they serve 6 million people globally. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com Dailystoicpod that's BetterH E L P.com Dailystoicpod I get it. When you're busy, when you got a lot going on, workouts are one of the first things that go. Cause you think about all the things you gotta do to get ready to work out. You gotta put on the right clothes, you gotta drive to the gym, you gotta put out the weights. You gotta remember what your trainer told you to do. You gotta think about whether you're doing your form right. You just go, it's too much work. I don't have the time. But With Tonal, you can make sure you're checking workout off your to do list with their smart and compact strength training system right in your home. 24.7tonal not just reduces the physical impositions to working out, but it reduces your mental load. It's the ultimate strength training system, helping you focus less on workout planning and more on getting results. Tonal provides the convenience of a full gym and the guidance of a personal trainer anytime at home with one sleek system. Plus, there's no second guessing your form. Tonal gives you real time coaching to help you dial in your form and help you lift safely and effectively. Tonal also sets the optimal weight for every move and then it ratchets that weight up as you get stronger. So you're always challenged. Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with promo code TDS. That's Tonal.com and use promo code TDS for $200 off your purchase. Tonal.com promo code TDS for $200 OFF. Hey, it's Ryan. Welcome to another episode of the daily Stoke podcast. When I was in Portland, I went to one of my favorite bookstores, which was Powell's. I've done a talk there before, but it'd been a while since I went and my wife had never been. So we went up there. She was looking for stuff. My son picked out these books, these graphic novels, and it was just so lovely to see him reading in the car. Just something he's not done before or had any real interest in doing. And just, oh, I forgot my book in the car. Can you bring it in? I want to read it while we're eating. It's like, okay, buddy, of course. So that was lovely. Two funny things at Pals. Number one, I took them up to the rare book room. They like things that are like, first editions are cool. I think they hear about it, like with Pokemon cards or, you know, like their YouTubers are like, it's a limited edition drop of some, you know, dumb toy or whatever. So I was like, do you want to see some really cool stuff, limited edition things? I took them up there and I'm showing them all this different stuff and they're like, dad, how much is this one? And I was like, well, it's expensive enough that they don't have it here. It's in a safe location. He's like, well, how much is it and what is it? I was like, oh, it's like a first edition of Lewis and Clark's, you know, like Journey or whatever. And he's like, and how much is it? And I was like, $250,000. And he's like, can we get it? And I was like, you clearly have no idea how much $250,000 is. But that book is as much as a house. And so yeah, we're not gonna get it. And then when I linked up back with their mom, they were like, dad wouldn't buy us this book. So that was insane. But no, I went up to the desk and I said, hey, you know, I'll sign any copies of my books if you've got em. Now Powell's is also has used books and so they got all the copies and I'm, I'm signing the books and some of them are already signed like because they've done like the publishers over the years sometimes does a limited run of for. But one of them had been bought from the Painted Porch. It had the Painted Porch stamp in and it was signed. So that was hilarious. I guess someone will buy that signed book twice maybe. Anyways, Portland was awesome and as I said, my kids were with me. They got to run the mics during the Q and A. So I'm gonna bring you a couple of the questions from the Q and A. I brought you some I think earlier a couple weeks ago. But anyways, I'll bring you the Q and A. My kids were running up and down, handing the mic, deciding who they wanted to pick. So that was really cool to see. And if you wanna come see me live and ask me some questions, I'm gonna be on tour. As I said, I've been telling you about all the dates. I'm going to Australia and Auckland in October, I think in August, like Chicago, Minneapolis, Detroit, then there's some east coast states, bunch of places. I would love to see all of you, I'd love to answer your questions. Maybe my kids will be running mics again. You can grab tickets@dailystoaklive.com they just added the Nashville date in November as well.
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B
I didn't really know what I was gonna ask until I had this situation last night as I was thinking about coming here. So this is kind of a creative field. A question that I wanted some insight on. How do you talk to someone whose ambition and drive are real and admirable, but whose definition of success has become incredibly externally focused, that it's actually becoming an obstacle in itself and someone who reads any skepticism of their plan as a lack of belief in them personally?
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A
Yeah, I've come to say that I am Very ambitious as a writer and not as an author. And by. By that I mean I'm very ambitious and focused and driven in the part of what I do that I can control. And I'm more and more indifferent about the things that I don't control. So I want the book that I'm working on now to be the best thing that I've ever done, to really push the boundaries of what I'm capable of, to be a leap forward in all these ways. And I'm thinking very little about its commercial prospects now as I've gone that direction. The irony is that I've experienced more and more success. Like, I was much more focused on my first books and my first projects. How were they received? How many copies did they sell? What awards did I win? Where did I land on the bestseller list? And what I realized ultimately was not only was I making myself unhappy, because sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn't. And I was crushed when it did happen, and I felt awesome when it. When it did, but that I was putting my. My happiness or my definition of success on something that wasn't up to me. I was also expending a lot of time and energy, emoting about, thinking about, dreading, praying for, you know, pining for the parts that were not up to me. Does that make sense? So you have to ask yourself, is your goal? Is the thing you're ambitious about, is what you're driven about? Is this something that you get to decide or not? Or are you saying, hey, I'm working really hard so these people over here will pick me, or these people over here will recognize me, or this supposedly meritocratic system, but probably not meritocratic system will select me or anoint me or whatever. That's a bad use of your ambition and drive because it's not in your control. You want to focus your energy and effort to the parts of it that are up to you, which is usually doing the thing, working hard on the thing. And that's kind of how I think about that.
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C
First of all, thank you so much. Your takes on stoicism and everything has truly, like, actually changed my life. So thank you so much for that.
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A
I appreciate that.
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C
My question kind of revolves. You talk a lot about, like, the path of Hercules and Masonius Rufus and kind of like doing the hard thing and having that endure. When we're trying to choose the hard right path and we keep kind of relapsing and going back thinking about things that we're trying to overcome. Do you have, like, maybe tangible examples from your life, or perhaps from Stoics throughout history of how they were overcoming those, you know, mental challenges in their life.
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A
Yeah. So the choice of Hercules, it's a story that. That Zeno hears in the Athenian agora that sets him on the path to philosophy. Hercules, as a young man, comes to this crossroads and he has to choose between the easy way and the hard way. Right? Getting everything he wants and having to work for it. It's the choice between virtue and vice, ultimately.
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B
It's like.
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A
It's that resistance that we're talking about. Are you going to do the thing that challenges you, that's hard, that makes you better, or are you going to, you know, do what everyone else is doing or, you know, take the easy way? I mean, I think it's a constant. It's a constant. It's a constant challenge. It's not a choice we make once in our life, but we make, you know, constantly throughout our lives. And this choice, really, it says a lot about us. Epictetus would talk about how, if you want to be beautiful, you gotta make beautiful choices. I just think about, like, hey, what does this choice say about me? You know, am I, more often than not, am I on a consistent basis, making the choices that are consistent with the person that I wanna be or the place that I wanna get? And I think that's kind of the test that we have to ask ourselves as we face little choices about what you're going to eat for dinner, what time you're going to wake up, and then also when you face kind of ethical quandaries or challenges. Am I going to wish I did this differently later on down the road? Am I going to wish I did more than I'm doing right now? And I think that dilemma should hover over us. You said, and I love it, you're always free to have no opinion, but as wanting to push for justice. Yeah. So the Stoics are saying, look, if you have an opinion about everything that's happening in the world, you're going to have a lot of opinions about things that you have no say over, and that this is like a recipe for misery. Like, if I was to put a curse on someone, I might say, like, have a bunch of really strong opinions about everything that's happening everywhere in the world. Right? And clearly someone put this. This hex on Elon Musk at some point and it broke his brain. But sometimes people take this to me when I talk about, like, hey, having fewer opinions that I'm talking about, you know, injustices or evils that are happening in the world or that. That you would be somehow politically disengaged or. Or sort of not. Not know what's happening in the world? I don't think that's what it is at all. I'm actually saying that when you have fewer opinions about frivolous, insignificant things, it can free you up to have a handful of opinions about some core issues that maybe you actually can be engaged and involved in. I also think when I think about this with my kids or my family or my life, how often we have opinions about things that nobody asks for, that in the big picture won't matter. And yet, because we have those opinions, because we take those stands, what it does is it creates conflict and disagreement and tension and arguments. So it's like more wood behind fewer arrows, as they say. There are significant things that the Stoics have had big opinions about. That's where you take your stand. That's where you get involved. And then the rest of the stuff, you can be, as they would say, more indifferent to.
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C
Hi, Mr. Holliday.
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A
I just want to say thank you for your talk. That was really awesome. I just got into Stoicism, so I was wondering what, like, books? You would recommend including your books, too? Yeah. Okay, so if someone wants to get into stoicism, where should they start? Right? This is the ultimate question. I think Mark Srilius's Meditations is one of the most incredible books ever written. It's the private thoughts. The most powerful person in the world trying to be better, right? Trying not to be dyed purple, as he said, which is corrupted by the absolute power that he has. But the problem with Meditations is a little bit disjointed and a little bit random. Some people struggle with it because, you know, it's. It's just random thoughts smattered throughout. So. So sometimes people struggle with meditation. So the next recommendation I give them is a collection of Seneca's essays called on the Shortness of Life. That's probably Seneca's most powerful essay on the Shortness of Life, which has all his thoughts on time and death and. And. And the urgency of life. It's got a couple other collections in there. Seneca's letters are also quite good, I think. You know, the Penguin Classics edition of sort of his best Letters is one I often recommend to people. Epictetus has sort of two works. The totality of his lectures that survive to us are known as the Discourses, which is, you know, him talking to his students about a variety of things. Kind of like, you know, talk like this. He's talking. Someone's writing down everything I said over many, many months that would survive to us as discourses. Then there's basically a shortened collection of the discourses that survives to us as. And it's called the Enchiridion, which just means like a handbook. That's like the Handbook of Epictetus. You can also just get the Enchiridion. The Enchiridion is what Stockdale's philosophy teacher gives him before he leaves for what ultimately is Vietnam. And that's the book he basically has memorized and gets him through seven years of torture and imprisonment and solitary confinement. So that's kind of the big three of the Stoics. There's a handful of other texts I recommend. There's a collection of Musonius Rufus's lectures that survived to us called that One should Disdain Hardship. It's kind of a janky, hard to follow title. But I also like Pierre Hadot's works on the Stoics. I like Donald Robertson's books on the Stoics. So that's kind of my sort of Stoicism reading list for you.
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B
If I got this right, the Stoics use predamentitatio malorum. Is that how you.
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A
Yes. A premeditation of evils.
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B
Yeah. So contemplating in worst case scenarios to dissolve their sting as a strategy for dealing with anxiety. And if I have it right, I think they avoid the opposite. So contemplating best case scenarios set me
- [17:38]
A
straight, if that's right. And if it's not, what's the harm
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B
in contemplating best case scenarios?
- [17:44]
A
These days, people talk a lot about positive visualization. Imagining it going right, walking yourself through it. I don't think the Stoics have any problem with positive visualization per se. Their practice of what is effectively negative visualization was based on the premise that the unexpected blow lands heaviest. That's what Seneca says. He says that you should be aware of the things that could happen and be prepared for them. Right. He quotes a Roman strategist who says that a leader is never allowed to say, oh, I didn't think that would happen. Right. Your job is to think about what could happen and have a plan. B and C and D and E. You know, just a couple days ago was the anniversary of D Day. And Eisenhower would talk about how plans are worthless, but planning is everything. And I think that's what Premeditatio Malorum is. It's understanding that, hey, the chances of this going exactly how I want it to go are pretty low. Right. Because so much of what happens in the world is not in our control. So I don't want to be in a place where I am only good if things go the way that I want them to go. But if I understand they could go in these variety of directions, and I have walked myself through what I would do if that happened, or if I've just put myself in a state where I'm not expecting them to go any particular way, then I'm not going to be surprised. I'm not going to be thrown off. I'm not going to be disappointed or angry or feel singled out. I'm just going to be able to deal with them. That's what the Stoic practice is. Is really about. So my question is, in the age of social media, I feel like a lot of, you know, social comparison, jealousy, you know, bad shit happens, basically. Yeah. And how do you think the Stoics would react to that? And what's like a way that you can turn it into something positive in a way that you can, you know, get over it? Yeah. I mean, what social media does is take very human, timeless things and just exaggerate and make them more prevalent and extreme. So we've always compared ourselves to other people. We just knew less about what they were doing. And the algorithm, you know, senses that these are strong. These elicit strong opinions. Like, I've never picked up Instagram or Twitter or any of the social networks and then spent a bunch of time on them and then afterwards felt a lot better. That's not what makes them money. Right. That's not what keeps you coming back. So understanding sort of what. What forces are operating on these algorithms, I think is really important. I think the Stoics would be aghast at, you know, the idea of hate following someone or something, or, you know, the idea of subjecting yourself over and over again to these sort of temptations to compare and contrast and compete. It's just not great. Like, Epictetus would talk about how, if you want to be happy, only run races where winning is up to you. That's what he said. And so, you know, if you're comparing yourself to other people, you don't decide if you win. Right. Other things decide. But if you're comparing yourself to yourself, your own values and what you want, you know, you're in better shape. So, I mean, a lot of the choices I make as far as my social media habits and device things, are about sort of winning those battles before they're fought by not having access to them, not checking them so often, you know, I try to sense what, what improves my quality of life and if I don't absolutely have to do it for work or whatever, I just don't do it and it's made my life a lot better. Cal Newport has a great book I'd recommend called Digital Minimalism that has some great strategies in this regard.
- [21:29]
D
From Geico Subconscious News, I'm Tammy Racing thoughts broadcasting from your brain. Tonight's top worry if something happens to your apartment and you need to like stay in a hotel and pay for it. That would be crazy, right? Art Palpitations has more.
- [21:42]
A
That would be crazy, Tammy. But you got surprisingly affordable renters insurance through Geico so it could be covered, giving you peace of mind.
- [21:50]
D
Aw. I love a story that ends well.
- [21:53]
A
Next up, love stories. Are they all they're cracked up to be?
- [21:56]
D
It feels good to worry less. It feels good to Geico.