Ryan Holiday (3:15)

Oh, wow.

Caller with car accident story (3:16)

And then your challenge came about because I received all your newsletters and I just thought it was a great opportunity. And the. My favorite challenge within that was the one about just trying to forgive. And it wasn't necessarily about forgiving anyone in particular, but forgiving the situation that I found myself in. Instead of being so angry and sort of feeling victimized about it was just trying to find peace about it and trying to reframe the impression and look at this as an opportunity to, like, well, you know what, maybe you were going at a hundred miles an hour. Why did that accident actually happen? And maybe take time to regroup? And I really found that very beneficial. And I loved writing all of this down and then burning it up like you asked us to. And, yeah, it was actually very therapeutic. So thank you for everything.

Ryan Holiday (4:05)

Well, it's incredible to hear your story. I can only imagine that anger and resentment and, you know, sort of grievance would be a part of. Of anything that would, you know, you would lose something like that. So that's very understandable. And you might, you know, Epicus loses at least partial use of one of his legs through this torture that he went through. I can imagine why he would be, you know, he would have, in his case, a specific person did a specific thing to him. So he would have, you know, sort of every justification for fixating on that. And I think his point was no amount of fixating on it is going to change it, though. And so how do you sort of move forward when you say you're not angry at a specific person, you're just sort of angry at the world that it happened?

Caller with car accident story (4:53)

Yeah, I think it's very easy to fall into that trap on, like, well, why was I chosen?

Ryan Holiday (4:59)

Sure.

Caller with car accident story (5:00)

And so instead of feeling somewhat victimized and just being angry at the universe or the cosmos, I think you were Talking about metaphysics a few minutes ago.

Ryan Holiday (5:09)

Right.

Caller with car accident story (5:09)

It's just kind of understanding the situation. And actually, I've. I've really come to embrace it. The last, you know, two weeks of being home, I've been writing more, I've been reading more, you know, kind of this minimalist kind of approach, and I've really found it beneficial. And, you know, just kind of repeating these mantras every single day that I'm writing to myself. And then, you know, constantly reading the lives of the stoic. You know, I just read about Cato, too, and, you know, what I learned about Cato was his inability to compromise.

Ryan Holiday (5:39)

Right.

Caller with car accident story (5:39)

So, yes, I have. I have a lot to learn from that as well. How do I compromise with this situation as well?

Ryan Holiday (5:44)

I'm fascinated by what you're talking about. And it strikes me, I do this in my own life. You know, there's two ways to look at what happened. Right. One way is that you were unfairly chosen to have this terrible thing happen, too. The other way to look at it, I was just writing about this in the book that I did with George Raveling. He has this terrible car accident that he does manage to walk away from, but the police officer comes up to him after the accident. He goes, 95% of the time when I come upon an accident like this, I'm putting somebody into a body bag. And his point was, you were lucky that you lived, that you were chosen to live. It's interesting how we can look at the same situation and go, hey, why was I so unlucky that I lost this in the accident? And just as easily we could say, how lucky am I that I survived the accident versus dying in said accident? Right. And this is that stoic practice of what handle are we going to grab? And obviously, I try to practice this in my life in much less serious situations, but we're so quick to focus on what we were deprived of as opposed to what we were given, or we. We focus on what was taken rather than being grateful for what they didn't also take that they just as easily could have taken in that same swoop.

Listener asking about saying no and balancing mentoring (7:04)

Hi, Ryan. Thanks for being here. You speak a lot about. In the challenge of saying no, you share that picture of your schedule, which is blank. No, you can't pick my brain, et cetera. I'm always trying to gear towards something like that myself. Do you mind speaking about sort of grappling with that and any friction that comes up with. Also the goals to bring the circles closer to you, the mentoring importance that you talk about. A lot on your podcast and also in the challenge as well. You know, I try to balance that and I'd be curious to hear your, your balancing act.

Ryan Holiday (7:37)

Yeah. When I show a blank day in my calendar and I say this is my ideal day, obviously I'm being a little facetious. That's pretty rare. But mostly what I'm saying, when I see a blank day in my calendar, when I see a don't, it's not that I'm not working, it's that I haven't scheduled a bunch of distractions from the work, you know, and it's when I am doing a bunch of things that I shouldn't be doing that I find myself much less generous, you know, to somebody who emails me or somebody who walks into the bookstore. Like, I think one of the problems is we end up saying yes to so many things that we don't even know all the things that we're saying no to. And when we're overtaxed, when we're over committed, when we're just bogged down, I think it makes it hard for us to be compassionate, to be generous, to also to take advantage of serendipity. Right. Or random things that come across our path. And so I'm just trying to be more conscious of having large blank spaces so I can be a little bit more free flowing in what I say yes and no to. The problem for me is when it's like I have this at 9 o', clock, this at 10 o', clock, there's a two minute break between and if one goes long, then I'm right. And like, so not only do I literally not have that much time, but I'm stressed and I am like really hoping and expecting things to go, I need things to go a certain way, right. Or else I can't physically or literally do all the things. That's just not me at my best. You know, I'm best when things are chill and I think most of us are our show. Are there going to be moments where, you know, there's some big thing that you've thrown yourself into, there's some really important thing they're solving, or you're in the middle of a disaster. Of course all that goes out the window then. The problem is, I think day to day we're often in this sort of crisis management mode and it's totally self inflicted and it's, it's doing nothing for nobody.

Ryan Holiday (9:43)

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Listener asking about saying no and balancing mentoring (12:24)

My question is, and I did the New Year's New Year challenge. Love the burn the anger list. I'll do it again. But I started to think as I was writing the list down, is what's better to burn this or to reframe and accept these things and. Or address them. And it's probably a combination of all the above. But just curious on your thoughts on those two different approaches.

Ryan Holiday (12:50)

No, I think that's right. I mean, look, there's even a slight contradiction. In the days we have the idea of writing these things down and burning it, and then we also have the idea of making amends. These are different ways of getting at the same thing. I think the idea is, how do you get this off your shoulder? How do you get it off your chest? How do you get it out of your mind and onto the page or into the air? The idea is just to stop carrying it around. And we just carry around too much stuff. We carry around mental load, emotional load. We're just carrying too much stuff. So whatever processes it, whatever gets rid of it. That's what I want. Look, do you throw the stuff away or do you donate it to charity or do you sell it? Those are three ways of accomplishing the same thing. One's better for your pocketbook, maybe one's better for the world. One's faster. And I think depending on what the thing is, that might answer your question. But then also, one of the things I find when I'm getting rid of stuff, just to be real specific, is we'll go, okay, we're going to get rid of this stuff. And then we say, oh, but that's valuable, so we should sell it. And then what that really means is it's just going to sit in the garage longer. Or it means we say we're going to donate it. And what that really means is we're going to drive it around for a couple weeks in the trunk of the car. So we're really just doing a doombox thing, really just moving stuff around. And so whatever helps you process the thing faster, helps you move on. I'm all about. So I'm agnostic, I guess, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Great question, though. Lisa, what's up?

Listener asking about saying no and balancing mentoring (14:31)

Thank you.

Caller with car accident story (14:32)

I'm new.

Listener asking about saying no and balancing mentoring (14:33)

I got the Daily Stoic Journal, and it's helped And I've been reading meditations at the same time. So this is a bit of a one off. But I'm struggling with the concept of reason versus emotion. I'm empathetic and somewhat intuitive and I rely on my emotions to help guide me with impressions of others and how to move forward. And I combine that with what I think is logic and reasoning. And I'm not sure when I'm reading through meditation, it almost seems like, you know, the emotion part of it, which I'm interpreting as the reactiveness is, is what I've got to watch and catch and just let it go. But there are parts of me I can't let go. It's part of my reasoning and logic. Could you comment on that and help guide me to other reading or whatever?

Ryan Holiday (15:35)

Well, look, I don't have a problem with the idea, and I don't think the Stoics do, of being guided by your emotions, being informed by them, instructed by them. The problem is when we are led by our emotions, when we are in the thrall of our emotions. You know, like if you're angry about something, maybe that's because there's an injustice there, or maybe that's because you know you are recognizing something you don't like about yourself. Right. That's a valuable piece of information. Now, punching someone because you're angry, calling them mean names or sending an angry email, not so great. And so the idea of our emotions informing and instructing and opening our eyes to things great, unthinkingly being led by our emotions is something very different. And I think intuition is probably right there in the middle between those two things. Intuition is sort of hard won experience, maybe it's even an experience or lessons you haven't quite been able to articulate. But some part of you knows. But even though you don't know, I like all that. So the Stoics, I would say, are tried to be less emotional rather than emotionless. Right. It's not about reducing or eliminating our emotions, but it is about, you know, not being overcome by and directed by our emotions. And that's the distinction I would make.

Listener asking about saying no and balancing mentoring (17:02)

Okay, because I can cry from joy, sure. I feel so deeply. And when I'm reading through this, I'm like, you know, I'm, I'm picking and choosing what resonates with me and what can help me have serenity and a stronger mind. But I don't want to lose that aspect of. And that's okay.

Ryan Holiday (17:25)

Look, you can, you can cry from sadness. Also, we just did a daily stoic email about how often we. How many stories we have about Marcus Aurelius crying. But I think there's a difference between crying because you're sad or crying because something hurts and then, you know, giving up or quitting, you know, so. So it's about what you do after the. The emotion, I guess.

Listener asking about incorporating ideas (17:47)

I have a logistical question.

Ryan Holiday (17:50)

Okay.

Listener asking about incorporating ideas (17:51)

There's so much stuff coming at us every day. I mean, if we just restrict ourselves to the things that you do, you know, we have these challenges that have something every day. There's the daily Stoic emails, there's the daily Stoic book. And that's only this one universe. Right. There's so many things and so many good ideas. There's so many. You know, you see this thing as like, oh, I want to do that. I want to, you know, I want to incorporate this into my life. How do you, in a structured way, you know, incorporate this and remember everything? I mean, I know you literally can't remember everything, but how do you not lose sight of it or lose your grasp on these various ideas that you want to incorporate?

Ryan Holiday (18:39)

Yeah, I don't think the Stoics were parochial or dogmatic. You know, Seneca talks about how he wants to learn from every single one of the schools he reads widely. I think the Stoics would have been fascinated by Buddhism or Confucianism or Hinduism. Had they known about it. They would have found things to like, they would have found things that they disagreed with, and I think both schools would have been better for that discussion. So, obviously, Stoicism is mostly what I write about, but I think if I'm the only person you're getting anything from, you're swimming in a pretty small pool. So I try to read widely. I try to enrich my life with as many different sources and ideas and schools of thought as possible. Now, ultimately, I do sort of come back to a core set of ideas that I find I need the most help with, and I go over them over and over again. This is also from Seneca that we sort of linger on the works of the master thinkers. But we got plenty of time. We should read as widely as possible and try to absorb as many sort of disparate ideas and benefit from as much ancient wisdom and modern wisdom and cutting edge science as possible. That's kind of how I think about it.

Listener asking about incorporating ideas (19:54)

Do you do anything in a structured way or do you just kind of let yourself absorb these and hope that those things that are most important to you just rise to the top over time?

Ryan Holiday (20:04)

Well, I guess to use the Word we were just talking about. I sort of try to be intuitive, and I just kind of go towards what I feel. Feel like I need, what I would like to learn about, what I don't know about, and I just kind of follow that. And then sometimes I come back home and start over again. So I'm much more intuitive as opposed to, like, this is my practice, and I read six pages from this every day and two pages from this. I'm kind of just going through.

Listener asking about letting go of possessions (20:31)

My question is. And I know we're going around it in different ways because it really is. The Spring Challenge is getting rid of stuff. I mean, that's the heart of it is spring cleaning.

Listener asking about saying no and balancing mentoring (20:41)

Right?

Listener asking about letting go of possessions (20:42)

So I'm. I'm just looking for. I think there's this blending of emotion and identity that keeps us grasping for things and making it so inefficient. So yesterday, so I had boxes of books, and it took a lot for me to give away the Will to Power. Nietzsche, my college book. Like, I'm not reading it, and it was just so inefficient that I was still grasping. So I'm looking for something that's just a little bit more of an efficient way to just immediately make the decision. Let it go. Make the decision. Let it go. Because I could spend a month with thousands of books.

Ryan Holiday (21:25)

No, no. I totally get it. The emotion that we project or the identity we project on the thing makes it hard to get rid of, and it feels pointless to get rid of it. And, look, I can't give you any advice specifically about books because I am a hoarder of books, as you can tell from even this set behind me. But I'll tell you something I've been doing with my kids. I forget who I learned this from. Maybe it was from Dr. Becky. But, you know, when we're at a store and they're like, I want this or I want that. I want this, I want that. A lot of times what my kids are doing is that they're just. It's like they just saw this thing for the first time. They're worried that if they don't get it right now, it will disappear forever and they'll never have a chance to have it ever again, even if this is a place we come, you know, every Saturday. And so one of the things we learn when we do is we just go, okay, we can't have that right now. I'm not saying we can't have it ever, but we can't have it right now. But in the meantime, let's Just take a picture of it. We'll just take a picture of it. My phone is filled with thousands of pictures of stuff my kids saw in stores or even saw in videos that they liked that they have never once asked to see ever again. But just the idea of like, hey, I'm going to capture this for a moment. I'm going to validate this feeling that you have because it's perfectly valid to be attached to this thing or interested in this thing in your case. To go, this is my college copy of Nietzsche. Look, here's the COVID Here's a passage that I underlined. You know, whatever. You don't have to lose that. Especially if there is some way to keep a piece of it forever. But do you need a 1 1/2 pound memento of that thing?

Ryan Holiday (23:10)

Maybe not.

Ryan Holiday (23:11)

And so, I don't know. That's something I've been doing and I've been trying to apply on things that I don't need anymore, but I have trouble getting rid of because I'm attached to it. I just take a picture of it.

Listener asking about letting go of possessions (23:22)

I like it. I think that's sort of the journaling, because that's what I need, is the efficient tool. And so just creating sort of a photo montage journal of. Loved it. It was important. Somehow I identified with it as being, I'm an intellectual or, you know, whatever, you know, whatever it was, and then dispense with it, you know, and that could be a clothing item too, you know, just, oh, how beautiful that. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Take a picture. That was a lovely wedding. Blah, blah, blah, out. So I like that. I think that's really helpful. Thanks, Ryan.

Ryan Holiday (24:01)

Hey, it's Ryan. Thank you for listening to the Daily Stoic podcast. I just wanted to say we so appreciate it. We love serving you. It's amazing to us that over 30 million people have downloaded these episodes in the couple years we've been doing it. It's an honor. Please spread the word, tell people about it. And this isn't to sell anything. I just wanted to say thank you.

Caller with car accident story (24:40)

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