Jefferson Fisher (9:50)
When Push Comes the Shove Kindness alone doesn't always work. No amount of patience or gentle explanation makes a difference. The person is committed to misunderstanding you. When it happens, you'll be tempted to do one of two things. You'll walk on eggshells, constantly adjusting your words and actions to avoid the conflict altogether, at the expense of your own authenticity and peace of mind. Or you'll double down, matching their negative energy, tit for tat and round for round. I want you to do neither. There's a third option. It involves using your new assertive voice to create responses that leave no room for misinterpretation, responses that have all the boldness of aggression with none of the disrespect. There comes a point when it's time to stand up for yourself. When push comes to shove and you need to voice your disapproval. Yes, you're still going to show integrity. Yes, you're still going to show respect. But your response should be about showing that you respect yourself enough to speak up and say what is unacceptable to you. The first thing to know about standing up for yourself is when to do it, because not everyone is worth getting out of your chair for. It's a know you're worth mentality. Not everyone is worth your peace of mind. You have to know and consciously decide if the person standing in front of you is one who means something to you. To assertively disagree and stand up for yourself is both an art and a skill. Here are the advanced tools you'll need the next time someone goes too far. How to Deflect Insults, Rudeness, and Belittling when you hear someone say something rude or insulting, understand that they're wanting something from you. That something is dopamine, the feel good hormone that motivates and rewards you. Their search for dopamine has little to do with you personally. It's often a reflection of their own insecurities. Belittling others can make the powerless feel powerful the ignored feel seen, and the jealous feel like they've gained something. They get dopamine from the attention of the spotlight or from their sense of control over your negative reaction. It also distracts them from their own vulnerabilities by allowing them to focus on perceived or projected weaknesses in you. In the same way you may catch yourself judging someone, the other person feels less insecure, even if momentarily, knowing that they can give you insecurities too. They'll feel less upset knowing that you're upset. It's a cycle in which their temporary high comes at the cost of your confidence. The key is to see these types of comments for what they truly are. An attempt to elicit a response Remember, it's not about you, it's about their need for your response. So when they say something for their hit of dopamine, the worst thing you can do is give it to them. That's why you're not going to when they insult or offend you, you're an idiot. You're a loser. You're ugly. Whether it's name calling or personal attacks on your character, looks, ability, or identity, these comments are meant to hurt. They might be aimed at your age, race, gender, or background. They're meant to cut deep. And they often hurt more because they're direct. I know that when you get an insult, it feels better to throw it right back. Oh, I'm an idiot. Well, you're. But that only ratchets up the problem. Maybe you can convince yourself that you're okay with that, but now you're the one wanting dopamine. The blows will continue to get thrown until one of you bows out and receives the momentary win. It's not worth it. Your value is too high for such low behavior. When someone insults you or offends you, I want you to try these. 1. Give it a long pause. The long pause gives their words a chance to echo back to them. The pause also allows their words to fall before they get to you. As I'll discuss in chapter 11, which keeps you from getting defensive, a long pause makes them rethink their words and question whether they will stand by them or take them back. Remember, the awkward pause will make them squirm, and that's okay. And most of all, the silence takes away their dopamine. 2. Slowly repeat what they said. Often, the silence is all you need to say, but if it requires more, repeat what they said back to them very slowly. Here, you're the echo. You're ensuring that they heard every word of what they said. And three Keep breathing out. When you repeat their words back, it will either clear up the confusion or add fuel to the fire. Go to your breath. In that moment, you need to rely on breath control to make sure that you don't tighten your body or muddle your thinking. If you enter into a state of shallow breathing, there's a higher risk that you'll have a delayed display of emotion or anger and lose that high ground. If needed, assert a boundary. As you'll later learn in the next chapter, when they belittle, patronize, or condescend, let me put this in terms that you'll understand. Oh wow, you finally lost some weight. Good for you. It's cute how you thought you did that right? These kinds of comments are meant to diminish your efforts intelligence or status. It's the idea that they're talking down to you and explaining what you already know. Unlike more aggravated insults, these remarks are often indirect. There is typically a sense of feigned or pretend praise or friendliness that's underscored with a put down to reduce your significance. When someone belittles, patronizes, or condescends to you, try these steps. 1. Make them say it again. Ask them to repeat it. That's it. When you ask the other person to repeat what they just said, you take all the fun, AKA dopamine, out of it. It's like throwing a wet, soggy blanket on over their words. They're also not expecting that reply. When someone makes a belittling remark, they expect the spotlight to turn to you. But when you ask them to repeat what they just said, the spotlight jerks right back to them. They'll become uncomfortable. The result is often a quick reply of nevermind or I meant. As they try to readjust their response. It can be as simple as saying, I need you to repeat that. I need you to say that again. I didn't get all of that. Can you repeat it? 2. Ask a question of outcome Regardless of whether they have the guts to repeat the comment, you're going to respond using a question out of outcome. This type of question seeks to highlight and project the reaction that they try to elicit. Again, you're verbalizing the echo they need to hear. It sounds like did you want that to hurt? Did you want that to embarrass me? Was that supposed to make me feel small? Did that feel good to say out loud? Number three Reply with silence. No matter their answer, let your silence be your reply. It's better not to respond. Most likely they'll have a terrible excuse or say they're just joking or start fumbling over their words or backtracking. Let their poor behavior linger as your silence shows you to be the one with control and and composure.
