Who Decides Who Gets What? | What Young Men Get Wrong About Stoicism

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Stoic

Episode: Who Decides Who Gets What? | What Young Men Get Wrong About Stoicism
Host: Ryan Holiday
Date: January 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Daily Stoic explores two intertwining themes: the importance of intentionally allocating your time and energy—the idea of "who decides who gets what"—and a critical examination of how young men often misinterpret or misuse Stoicism. Host Ryan Holiday draws from personal anecdotes, Stoic texts (especially Marcus Aurelius and Seneca), and current trends to challenge misconceptions and encourage a deeper, more communal understanding of Stoicism.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

I. Who Decides Who Gets What? (00:08–02:59)

• Earning your role vs. controlling your priorities:
  • Ryan frames the issue: many people work hard, become successful, yet still feel their lives are out of alignment—their best effort is not always going where it matters.

    "You earned it. And yet, despite this success, this track record, this leverage you have, your life is so backwards." (01:08–01:14)

• Seneca’s Lesson with Alexander the Great:
  • Holiday recounts a story from Seneca, where Alexander corrects rulers by stating he'll determine what they get, not the other way around.
  • The analogy is applied to how we allocate our time: You should decide what gets your best time—not leave important things (like philosophy or your family) with just the leftovers.

    “Philosophy should not get the leftovers. Or as we said in a Daily Dad email and podcast about this same idea, neither should your family... It is the key to everything we are trying to do. It’s a compass, a guiding light. It’s what we owe our ultimate devotion.” (01:52–02:24)

• Redefining Success:
  • Holiday encourages listeners to reconsider what true success and leverage mean, suggesting it’s about slanting your best effort toward what matters most (not just what pays the bills or strokes your ego).

    “You're not really successful if success doesn't allow you to do that… you're not really in charge if you can't say my work on myself comes first, you shall get what's left over.” (02:46–02:57)

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II. What Young Men Get Wrong About Stoicism (06:00–12:33)

• Why Stoicism attracts young men:
  • Acknowledgement of the loneliness and lack of guidance facing many young men; Stoicism feels like a powerful, actionable guide.

    “There's no one that says, hey, here's how you live a good and meaningful life, but also a challenging life. ... You're not worthless. You're not a piece of shit. Society is not discarding you. You have value. You can make a positive difference.” (06:07–06:40)

  • Holiday shares his personal discovery of Marcus Aurelius in college as a transformative moment.

    “When I got Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations … it hit me like a ton of bricks. I described it as a quake book, a book that shook everything that I thought I knew about the world.” (06:43–06:55)

• Personal Development vs. Broader Purpose:
  • Holiday explains that many people (himself included, initially) are drawn by the self-help side—mastering emotions, being tough, handling adversity—but miss Stoicism’s ethical core.
• Misappropriation and “Grifters”:
  • The podcast critiques figures like Andrew Tate who conflate Stoicism with a cold masculinity, emotional repression, or even self-serving rationalization.

    “They pervert the ideas in Stoicism. They take some of these core ideas and they mix it with notions of masculinity, other cultural traditions... it's easy to direct them towards a kind of a resentment.” (07:40–08:00)

• Lowercase vs. Uppercase Stoicism:
  • Holiday distinguishes the stereotype of Stoicism (stoic = emotionless, repressed) from its true philosophical meaning, which includes compassion and connection to others.

    “The Stoics weren't emotionless. There is a part of Stoicism that's about being less emotional, particularly destructive emotions. So the Stoics were not repressed, emotionless robots. And if you think that's what Stoicism is going to help you do, you're doing it wrong.” (08:18–08:36)

• On Misusing Stoicism:
  • Specific criticism of applying Stoicism to justify bad behavior or emotional numbness, especially towards harm done to others (e.g., as in the case of Andrew Tate).

    “If he thinks Stoicism is this a way to not have to feel human emotions about the women that he's exploiting... that's not what fuckin' Stoicism is at all.” (08:43–08:53)

• Justice and the Common Good:
  • Stoicism’s aim is to build good character and act for the common good, not to retreat into selfishness.

    “One of the best quotes from Marcus Aurelius: he says the point of life is good character and acts for the common good.” (08:54–09:00)

  • Holiday notes that Marcus Aurelius constantly wrote of “the common good,” justice, and cosmopolitanism.

    "For a guy that had unlimited power, he never lost his compassion and his empathy and his and his love for his fellow human beings. He saw himself as a true cosmopolitan, a person of the world, not just a member of a race and tribe..." (11:05–11:22)

• Service to Others:
  • Genuine Stoicism is about engaging with the world and serving others, not withdrawing.

    “The purpose of Stoic philosophy, the irrational purpose, was to pull these outer rings inward, to really care about other people and to try to make the world better for them. Sometimes, especially even at the cost of one's own interest. This is the kind of Stoicism that we have to be focused on.” (12:13–12:33)

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III. Memorable Quotes & Takeaways

• On priority and time allocation:

  “Make sure that you are giving your best, your most productive hours to the most important things because you're not really successful if success doesn't allow you to do that.” (02:38–02:45, Ryan Holiday)

• On true Stoicism:

  "The point of life is good character and acts for the common good.” (08:54–09:00, quoting Marcus Aurelius)

• On misinterpretation:

  "Lowercase Stoicism is all the stereotypes... has no emotion, invulnerable, repressed. That's not what Stoicism is." (08:09–08:28, Ryan Holiday)

• On moral responsibility:

  "We should do the right thing because it's the right thing. And we should resist that hardness of heart that can so easily come from a philosophy that is so focused on being in command of oneself and mastering one's emotions." (12:34–12:55, Ryan Holiday)

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Important Timestamps

• Defining who gets your time: 00:10–02:59
• Seneca, Alexander the Great story: 01:10–01:52
• Transition to topic of young men and Stoicism: 06:00
• Distinction between ‘lowercase’ and ‘uppercase’ Stoicism: 08:00–08:36
• Critique of using Stoicism for harmful or selfish ends: 08:43–09:00
• Justice, common good, and cosmopolitanism: 09:35–12:33
• Closing reflections on goodness and love: 12:33–13:06

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Conclusion

Ryan Holiday uses this episode to remind listeners that true Stoicism is not about emotional repression or ruthless self-advancement, but about prioritizing what truly matters and contributing to the common good. He calls for a return to Stoicism’s core virtues—courage, discipline, justice, and wisdom—while warning against its distortion for selfish or resentful ends. The episode closes with a call to keep love, goodness, and the welfare of others at the center of Stoic practice.

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For more daily Stoic content, Ryan invites listeners to subscribe to the Daily Stoic email: dailystoic.com/email.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, where.

[B]

Each day we bring you a Stoic.

[A]

Inspired meditation designed to help you find strength and insight and wisdom into everyday life. Each one of these episodes is Based on the 2000 year old philosophy that has guided some of history's greatest men and women. Help you learn from them, to follow in their example, and to start your day off with a little dose of courage and discipline and justice and wisdom. For more visit Dailystoic.com. Who decides who gets what? You went to school, you worked hard, you sacrificed, you got really good at what you do. That's what they pay you for, right? That's why they recruited you. That's why they put you in charge.

[B]

You earned it.

[A]

And yet, despite this success, this track record, this leverage you have, your life is so backwards. In one of his letters, Seneca tells a story about Alexander the Great. Then on the verge of conquering another distant land, the rulers of that country came to him and offered him some of their territory if he ceased his attack. Alexander, Seneca tells us, quietly corrected them, saying that he hadn't come to Asia with the intention of accepting whatever they cared to give him, but of letting them keep whatever he chose to leave them. And so it ought to go for our time and priorities. Seneca continued philosophy likewise tells all other occupations, he wrote, it is not my intention to accept whatever time is left over for you, you shall have. Instead, he says what I regret. Philosophy should not get the leftovers. Or as we said in a daily dad email and podcast about this same idea, neither should your family. It should not be relegated to the scraps of time between other obligations. It is not some frivolous hobby. It is the key to everything we are trying to do. It's a compass, a guiding light. It's what we owe our ultimate devotion. So as you look at your day, as you look at your life, make sure that you are prioritizing properly. Make sure that you are giving your best, your most productive hours to the most important things because you're not really successful. If success doesn't allow you to to do that, you don't really have leverage. If you have to give the best of yourself away to things that don't matter, you're not really in charge. If you can't say my work on myself comes first, you shall get what's left over.

[B]

A couple of years ago, one of.

[A]

My wife's words for the year we try to think about it a word that we're going to live by the next year, one of those words was systems the idea was setting up better systems, putting systems in place to that just make us better, more efficient, more effective, more responsible. And nowhere are systems more important than when it comes to your finances, right? Managing your money doesn't have to be a struggle. It can be automated, it can be accessible, it can be tracked. And that's where today's sponsor, Monarch, comes in. Monarch is an all in one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier. Brings your entire financial life from budgeting accounts, investments, net worth, and future planning all together in one dashboard on your laptop or on your phone. And if you want to start the year off on the right foot financially and get 50% off your monarch subscription, you can. With Code Stoic. Monarch helps you reach concrete, achievable goals you'll stick to for all 12 months of the year, not just January. And they've got some new AI tools that are built on Monarch Intelligence, which is designed to help you access authentic collective wisdom of certified financial planners and financial advisors. 24. 7 Access to financial advice and insights personalized to you this new year. Achieve your financial goals for good. Monarch is the all in one tool that makes proactive money management simple all year long. Use code stoiconarch.com for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year with monarch.com code stoic so on Monday, I had a talk. I was flying to Florida for a talk, but I took the kids to school. I worked at the office and then I picked them up from school. We went to Whole Foods, did our weekly grocery shopping as the boys and I do every week. And then I drove. We met at a parking lot near the airport. I handed my wife the kids and all the groceries. And then I flew to Florida, flew home. And then when I got back the next night, I made myself a sandwich from the groceries that I had just bought. And actually the week before, I took.

[B]

Them to Whole Foods for a weekly.

[A]

Thing and I had a phone call I had to do. They played upstairs on the, on the playground. The Whole Foods headquarters here in Austin has a second story playground. They played on that while I did my phone call. And then together we went and did all our grocery shopping.

[B]

I love Whole Foods.

[A]

I don't have to worry about what I'm feeding my kids. They love the, you know, the hot bar. That's what they love. They love getting macaroni. My son loves orange chicken. They love the sushi there. We love Whole Foods in our family. And you should make Whole Foods your destination for all things wellness, including high quality organic options to help you make better choices. Their 365 brand has delicious and wallet friendly varieties of ready to eat salad kits, plus ready to heat rice and bean blends to pair with lean proteins. You can also save big on supplements and vitamins this this month. Check out their high quality multivitamins, probiotics and protein powders for all your New Year's resolutions and goals. Shop all things wellness at Whole Foods Market.

[B]

Look, there's a reason that stoicism is particularly attractive to young men. I totally get it, because I was once one of those young men and there's no one who will give them the guidance that they desperately need and crave. There's no one that says, hey, here's how you live a good and meaningful life, but also a challenging life. Here's how you do what you were put here to do. And by the way, you were put here to do something. You're not worthless. You're not a piece of shit. Society is not discarding you. You have value. You can make a positive difference. And in fact, society needs you and it needs you to do those things. When I got Marcus Aurelius Meditations when this book landed on the table of my college apartment, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I described it as a quake book, a book that shook everything that I thought I knew about the world. And here you have, like this guy that I'd heard about in movies or in the History Channel, the most powerful man in the world, was writing notes to himself about how to be a badass, how to be great. And that's what stoicism was for me and what it opened up in me. And I think what I got the most out of stoicism early was all the things that it could do for me, right? How to master my emotions, how to push myself physically, how to put up with people's obnoxiousness and hypocrisy and bullshit. And by the way, there was a lot of that in Marcus's time, but there's a ton of it in our time. I don't think it should surprise us then though, that grifters and demagogues would step in to fill this space. What you see people doing, whether it's Andrew Tate or whoever is, they pervert the ideas in stoicism. They take some of these core ideas and they mix it with notions of masculinity, other cultural traditions. When you're speaking to people who feel misunderstood or even mistreated, it's easy to direct them towards a Kind of a resentment. It can even be channeled into what you might call kind of a modern day know nothingism or what you might call anti wokeism that's like a reaction against extremes or misguided, even well meaning cultural forces. What these young men and then the grifters who are taking advantage of them, what they're missing about Stoicism is this place that society has always gotten Stoicism wrong. There's a huge difference between lowercase Stoicism and uppercase Stoicism. Lowercase Stoicism is all the stereotypes of Stoicism has no emotion, invulnerable, repressed. That's not what Stoicism is. The Stoics weren't emotionless. There is a part of Stoicism that's about being less emotional, particularly destructive emotions. So the Stoics were not repressed, emotionless robots. And if you think that's what Stoicism is going to help you do, you're doing it wrong. Like I think about someone like Andrew Tate, if he thinks Stoicism is this a way to not have to feel human emotions about the women that he's exploiting, that he is taking advantage of. And I would say victimizing. Like that's not what fucking Stoicism is at all. And in fact, I think one of the best quotes from Marcus Rios, he says the point of life is good character and acts for the common good. So if you think that this sort of emotionless Stoic is getting to a place where you can just do whatever you want and not have to care about the consequences of those actions on other people, again, you're getting it extremely wrong. When I think of Stoicism as this self help philosophy that seems to be about indifference to, to other people or it seems to be a toolkit for being, you know, simply better at business negotiations or being a get rich quick scheme, or Stoicism as a prosperity gospel, or Stoicism as a way to turn away from what's happening in the world. And this is emphatically the last part is emphatically what the Stoics were not doing. Seneca would say the difference between the Epicureans and the Stoics was the Epicureans retreated into the garden, the to pursue individual self development and self fulfillment. And he said they only got involved in politics and public life if they had to. And he said the Stoics, on the other hand, got involved in politics and public life unless something prevented them. So every once in a while I'll say something political in one of these videos, or I'll talk about some social.

[A]

Issue in our time.

[B]

And people go, what do you think Seneca would think about you talking about politics on the Daily Stoke? And I go, he'd probably not be surprised given that his day job was as one of the most powerful politicians in Rome. One of the things I talk about in the afterword of Right Thing right now is that, like, I get it. I get where this sort of initial infatuation, understanding this entry point to Stoicism, is because I had the same way. I could not have written a book about the Stoic virtue of justice early on in my pursuit and understanding of the philosophy. But the thing about Stoicism is that as you study it, it is working on you. You can't escape the fact that Marx Ruis talks about the common good like 80 times in meditations. He talks about doing the right thing. He talks about justice dozens of other times and all these really important ideas over and over and over again. For a guy that had unlimited power, he never lost his compassion and his empathy and his and his love for his fellow human beings. He saw himself as a true cosmopolitan, a person of the world, not just a member of a race and tribe, only caring about people who were related to him or looked like him or lived in his country. He tried to have this broader sense. In fact, that's what the Stoics said, that there were these circles, right? There's the circle of us and the circle of our family circle of people who live near us, people who live in the same country as usual, same city as us. And then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it ultimately includes all living things. The purpose of Stoic philosophy, the irrational purpose, was to pull these outer rings inward, to really care about other people and to try to make the world better for them. Sometimes, especially even at the cost of one's own interest. This is the kind of Stoicism that we have to be focused on.

[A]

Life is short.

[B]

We have to be good, and we should try to do good. We should love and be loved, should do the right thing because it's the right thing. And we should resist that hardness of heart that can so easily come from a philosophy that is so focused on being in command of oneself and mastering one's emotions. Every day, totally free, we send out the daily Stoic email. It's the largest community of Stoics ever assembled in human history. And just one Stoic idea, one ancient lesson to chew on every single day. I'd love to have you join us.

[A]

If you like our videos.

[B]

I think you'll like the email. It's also a podcast version of it too. You can sign [e-mail] email.

[C]

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