‘Modern Love’: The Kind of Pain She Wanted

The Daily

Published: Sun Aug 10 2025

For her entire life, Grace Hussar has been an overthinker. No matter how much she wanted to be in the moment, she always felt as if she was just outside it. But when she took up endurance running, she realized something: Extreme pain turned her thoughts off. She wanted more of that feeling — more pain and less overthinking. As a mother of two with a happy partnership and a career in finance, what she explored next surprised her. On this week’s episode of “Modern Love,” Hussar talks about her essay, “The Kind of Pain I Wanted.” Hussar shares the story of how she discovered that rope play and kink were the keys to newfound presence and pleasure in her life.

Summary

Podcast Summary: “Modern Love”: The Kind of Pain She Wanted

Podcast Information:

Title: The Daily
Host/Author: The New York Times
Episode: ‘Modern Love’: The Kind of Pain She Wanted
Release Date: August 10, 2025

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Daily, host Anna Martin delves into Grace Hussar’s poignant essay, “The Kind of Pain I Wanted,” featured in Modern Love. Grace shares her journey of overcoming chronic overthinking through ultra running and BDSM, ultimately finding a path to mindfulness and self-acceptance.

Grace Hussar’s Battle with Overthinking

Grace Hussar opens up about her lifelong struggle with overthinking, which kept her from staying present during significant moments. She recalls a pivotal instance when her anxiety prevented her from fully experiencing her boyfriend's declaration of love:

“I wish I could just go back to that moment and feel what it felt like to hear those words from him instead of watching his chin shake...” ([03:11]).

Finding Relief in Ultra Running

Seeking an escape from her incessant thoughts, Grace turned to ultra running—a form of extreme endurance running covering distances like 31 miles. Through this grueling sport, she discovered a way to silence her mind by pushing her physical limits:

“You become an animal. You become a physical being without the burden of a body.” ([03:49]).

After her first ultra marathon, Grace experienced a revelation where her body, although physically and mentally exhausted, left her feeling fulfilled and whole:

“I had never felt more fulfilled. I had never felt more whole.” ([04:05]).

The Introduction to BDSM

Grace’s journey didn’t stop with running. She found herself fascinated by BDSM when she sought new ways to manage her overthinking. This curiosity was sparked by her interactions with a rough massage therapist, whose intense sessions made her feel both pain and emotional release:

“I would leave those massages and be, like, so sexually tuned up...” ([08:05]).

Joining the BDSM Community

Intrigued yet overwhelmed by her initial explorations, Grace turned to FetLife, a social networking site for BDSM enthusiasts. She describes her initial reactions to the intense imagery and varied kinks on the platform:

“It was overwhelming. It was really overwhelming.” ([10:53]).

Despite her reservations, Grace found herself drawn back to the community, particularly captivated by a photograph of a woman in bondage who appeared peaceful despite her pain:

“What I loved most about it is that you can see how much pain her body was in, but her face just looked so peaceful...” ([12:15]).

Meeting Peter and The First Session

Grace connected with Peter, a respected figure in the BDSM scene known for his respectful and transparent approach. Their initial communication set the tone for a consensual and empowering experience:

“He was enhancing my repertoire of body types that I would like to tie... his honesty, that transparency... made me feel safe.” ([16:03]).

Their first meeting at Peter’s condo was tense yet transformative. Grace describes the setting—a room equipped for BDSM activities with both safety tools and artistic elements:

“He has a fairly normal condo... there is like a frame from like a swing set... and there's like a little electric candle hanging down.” ([28:04]).

The Dynamics of Control and Consent

In the room, Grace experienced the delicate balance of control inherent in BDSM. Peter’s methodical and respectful approach helped her relinquish control safely:

“He said, don’t help me. It brought me into the moment.” ([32:57]).

Grace chose the coconut rope, the most painful option, which intensified her physical experience. Despite the pain, Peter's focus on her well-being ensured her safety and consent throughout:

“I opened my eyes, and we were just kind of nose to nose... you’re gonna be in this moment and be uncomfortable with that.” ([37:40]).

Transformation and Empowerment

The session concluded with Grace feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude and trust toward Peter. This experience redefined her relationship with her own body, shifting from self-consciousness to viewing her body as a tool:

“I was laying on the floor exhausted... it was something that we were doing together.” ([42:27]).

Five years later, Grace reflects on how BDSM and ultra running have empowered her in all aspects of life. She emphasizes the importance of compartmentalizing and how these practices have enhanced her confidence both personally and professionally:

“Kink has allowed me to step into my power more in my personal life now, like, at work, you know, as a mother.” ([45:52]).

Conclusion

Grace Hussar’s story is a testament to the profound impact that controlled pain and extreme physical activities can have on mental health and self-perception. By embracing ultra running and BDSM, Grace overcame her overthinking tendencies, found mindfulness, and forged a healthier relationship with her body. Her journey underscores the importance of finding personalized methods to achieve mental and emotional well-being.

Notable Quotes:

“You become an animal. You become a physical being without the burden of a body.” – Grace Hussar ([03:49])
“What I loved most about it is that you can see how much pain her body was in, but her face just looked so peaceful...” – Grace Hussar ([12:15])
“He was enhancing my repertoire of body types that I would like to tie... his honesty, that transparency... made me feel safe.” – Grace Hussar ([16:03])
“I was laying on the floor exhausted... it was something that we were doing together.” – Grace Hussar ([42:27])

Production Credits:

Producer: Sarah Curtis
Editor: Jen Poyant and Davis Land
Theme Music: Dan Powell
Original Music: Diane Wong, Rowan Nimisto, and Carol Savaro
Mixed by: Daniel Ramirez
Studio Support: Matty Masiello and Nick Pittman
Modern Love Column Editor: Daniel Jones
Editor of Modern Love Projects: Mia Lee

Further Engagement: Listeners interested in exploring more Modern Love stories can subscribe to the show on nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Subscriptions offer early access to episodes, the latest read-alouds, and the full back catalog of Modern Love.