Podcast Summary: "Love and Longevity with Jillian Turecki"
The Dan Buettner Podcast
Host: Dan Buettner
Guest: Jillian Turecki, author and podcast host
Date: August 28, 2025
Episode Overview
In this insightful episode, Dan Buettner welcomes relationship expert and bestselling author Jillian Turecki to explore the deep links between love, relationships, and living longer, more fulfilling lives. Drawing from both Buettner’s Blue Zones research and Turecki’s new book, It Begins With You, the conversation weaves together scientific findings, personal growth, and practical advice—with the core message that building meaningful relationships is a crucial and often overlooked pillar of longevity and happiness.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
The Hidden Pillar of Longevity: Quality Relationships
- Dan Buettner sets the stage by contrasting the obsessive focus on hacking health and lifespan with pharmaceuticals, diets, and exercise ("Longevity Bros") against what actually drives long, healthy lives in the world’s Blue Zones: close connections, purpose, and especially the quality of intimate relationships.
- Quote, Dan Buettner (03:36):
“When you go to the places in the world where people are actually living an extra 10 years, quality years... what's driving them is not diets, it's not exercise programs... it’s things like having a sense of purpose... being socially connected, putting family first…”
Jillian Turecki’s Origin Story: Loss and Transformation
- Turecki opens up about her personal crisis—the loss of a pregnancy, the end of her marriage, and her mother’s terminal illness all in one day. This moment, rather than breaking her, ignited an intense journey into understanding what makes relationships thrive—or fail.
- Quote, Jillian Turecki (04:20):
“That day was the beginning of a very deep, dark night of the soul. I went into a very severe depression and didn’t know how I was going to survive, but figured out a way. One of the things that happened was I became obsessed with what makes a relationship work...”
Relationships, Health, and Emotional Wellness
- Turecki and Buettner stress the science:
- Being in a “good marriage” adds significant years to life—7–9 years for men, 2–4 for women.
- The emotional and physical benefits are multifaceted: co-regulation, stress reduction, better habits, greater fulfillment.
- Quote, Dan Buettner (09:34):
“A good marriage for a man adds seven to nine extra years of life expectancy. And for a woman, it’s two to four... Women are much better for men than men are for women. But everybody benefits.”
- Quote, Jillian Turecki (10:08):
“Our relationships really do determine the quality of our lives... Good relationships make us feel better and happier and healthier, and bad relationships make us stressed out and sick and weak.”
Defining and Building a Good Relationship
- The importance of friendship, communication, and support.
- Never keep score in a relationship.
- Affirm needs directly.
- Both partners must invest, with self-awareness and willingness to recalibrate.
- Quote, Jillian Turecki (10:08):
“Research suggests that having a best friend in a partner is really important... you want someone who’s there to co-regulate with you.”
The Link Between Fulfillment, Purpose, and Happiness
- Balance is key: Even a great relationship can’t be your whole life; authentic happiness and “emotional bank account” come from purpose outside the partnership too.
- Quote, Jillian Turecki (14:28):
“A relationship can add to our fulfillment in life and can definitely add to our happiness, but we also have to have some level of fulfillment outside of the relationship.”
Choosing Wisely: Self-Reflection in Finding a Partner
- Update your “relationship blueprint”—know your values, reflect on past patterns, and be honest about your own strengths and shortcomings.
- Attracted only to “types”? Maturity involves broadening the criteria toward character and emotional compatibility.
- Quote, Jillian Turecki (23:39):
“Everyone has a romantic or relationship blueprint... Once you hit your 30s, you gotta update that blueprint... you gain that self-understanding by looking at your past relationships, seeing what worked, what didn’t...”
- Quote, Turecki (25:25):
“Stay away from height, looks... the goal is, if you’re just used to being attracted to the charming shiny object, maturity is being attracted to qualities that are not just about... the outside.”
Navigating Chemistry Versus Compatibility
- You can’t force attraction, but challenge your 'type':
- Sometimes attraction grows with safety and support, especially for women.
- Don't ignore your need for chemistry, but expand what 'type' means.
- Quote, Turecki (28:46):
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... But can you give someone a chance? As soon as someone tells me, ‘Well, they’re not my type,’ then I know I’m dealing with someone who needs to mature a little bit.”
Practical Advice for Nurturing Relationships
- For Men:
- Listen more, default less to problem-solving. Ask, “Do you want to be listened to or do you want my advice?”
- Practice support (“I got you”) instead of jumping immediately into solutions.
- For Women:
- Advocate for needs; don’t over-conform to “be a good girl” or over-nurture at expense of self.
- Monitor negative stories created in the mind about a partner and practice giving the benefit of the doubt.
- General advice:
- Self-awareness, responsibility, prompt apologies, mindfulness of one’s state, and treating the partnership as a team.
- “The couples that really make it, when there’s a problem, they join forces to attack the problem—they don’t attack each other.” (39:55)
The Art of Being Alone and Leaving Suboptimal Relationships
- How to decide when to leave:
- Don’t leave too soon; try to nourish the relationship first.
- Examine your role in the declines.
- When certain relationships run their course, being alone is better than chronic loneliness in a partnership.
- Learning to enjoy singlehood:
- Develop new dimensions of yourself outside romance.
- Turecki shares her own growth after years of prioritizing relationships above all.
- Quote, Turecki (57:41):
“Face your loneliness, face the aloneness, and then revel in the fact that you don’t have to deal with that BS anymore.”
Self-Trust and Trust in Others
- Parallels between societal and personal trust:
- Societal happiness depends on trust; so does personal happiness.
- Self-trust is built by holding promises to yourself and learning from missteps.
- Quote, Turecki (44:21):
“We suffer when we don’t believe that we can trust ourselves... Self-trust is a key pillar of happiness and of self-esteem.”
The Nine Truths of It Begins With You
- Book structure: Turecki’s book is organized around nine “truths” for building healthy relationships; she emphasizes accountability and personal responsibility as a starting point.
- Quote, Turecki (49:14):
"Obviously the first one, ‘it begins with you’… That sets the tone of everything... You are so much more powerful than you think."
Notable Quotes and Moments
- Dan Buettner (09:34):
"A good marriage for a man adds seven to nine extra years of life expectancy..."
- Jillian Turecki (10:08):
"Our relationships really do determine the quality of our lives... bad relationships make us stressed out and sick and weak."
- Turecki (23:39):
"What do you have to change inside of you to actually be attractive to the person who you wish to be?"
- Turecki (28:46):
"...your type—you need to be able to expand your type."
- Turecki (31:31):
"Work on your own self-awareness, overcome your selfishness, because we all have a tendency to be selfish..."
- Buettner (39:55):
"The couples that really make it, when there’s a problem, they join forces to attack the problem—they don’t attack each other."
- Turecki (57:41):
"A bad relationship will actually take years off your life... Face your loneliness, face the aloneness, and then revel in the fact that you don’t have to deal with that BS anymore."
- Turecki (58:15):
"The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself."
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:31: Longevity and the true drivers: relationships, purpose, social connection.
- 04:20: Jillian Turecki’s story of loss and how it led to her focus on relationships.
- 09:34: Research on marriage and life expectancy, gender differences.
- 10:08: What makes a good relationship: best-friendship, support, communication.
- 13:00: Percentage of happiness derived from relationships.
- 22:03: How to choose the right partner: self-reflection, values, updating blueprints.
- 26:57: Navigating chemistry vs. compatibility and expanding your "type."
- 31:31: Advice for men and women: listening, communicating needs, not keeping score.
- 39:55: The importance of teaming up vs. attacking each other.
- 44:21: The role of trust in both self and society, and happiness.
- 47:09: The structure of It Begins With You—why “nine truths.”
- 49:14: Importance of accountability and self-reflection in healthy relationships.
- 54:12: On singlehood and finding fulfillment outside of romance.
- 55:29: Knowing when to leave: handling suboptimal relationships and embracing being alone.
- 58:15: Central takeaway: the primacy of the relationship with oneself for all other relationships and for long-term happiness.
Closing Thoughts and Ways to Engage
- Core Takeaway: Building, nurturing, and choosing healthy relationships—starting with your relationship to yourself—is one of the most powerful, evidence-based ways to boost not just your happiness, but your lifespan.
- Jillian Turecki’s Resources:
- Book: It Begins With You
- Podcast: "Jillian on Love"
- Instagram: @jillianturecki
- Membership for women: The Conscious Woman
Memorable closing quote (Turecki, 58:15):
“The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself... If we want to add the 10 years, we’re going to actually have to change certain things... but it’s never going to be about someone coming into your life and rescuing you.”
Dan Buettner (59:15):
“Your partner in life is the most important—it’s the center of those concentric circles of that ecosystem.”
For listeners seeking actionable steps and wisdom on love, health, and living longer, this episode is a rich, candid, and practical resource.