GOALLESS - The Divine Shadows (Season Finale)

Summary

Podcast Summary: GOALLESS - The Divine Shadows (Season Finale)
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Release Date: June 3, 2025

---

1. Recap of the Champions League Final

The episode kicks off with Russell Howard and Chris Whittingham delving into the recent Champions League final between PSG and Inter Milan, which concluded with a decisive 5-0 victory for PSG.

Russell Howard ([01:19]):
"However they got to that team, the team they have is exceptional. ... It was a great final. It was one sided."

Chris Whittingham ([02:41]):
"Normally we see Inter, a team that are so composed... So overrated by this BFC team."

The hosts commend PSG's exceptional team performance, highlighting their strategic prowess and individual battles won on the field. They contrast this with Inter Milan's struggles to match PSG's physical and tactical gameplay, emphasizing the rare dominance exhibited by PSG in such high-stakes matches.

---

2. Tactical Analysis and Team Dynamics

A significant portion of the discussion centers around PSG's tactical flexibility and the influence of manager Luis Enrique.

Russell Howard ([01:19]):
"I sense that Luis Enrique... just felt like, yeah, we are winning and we are going to win emphatically."

Chris Whittingham ([04:20]):
"Every single player on the pitch, maybe bar the center backs, participates in a complete total football."

The hosts dissect PSG's "total football" approach, where players fluidly switch positions, creating a dynamic and versatile playing style. This system, inspired by the Dutch football philosophy, has enabled PSG to dominate by maximizing both offensive and defensive capabilities.

---

3. Key Player Performances

Highlighting individual talents, the hosts discuss standout players who contributed significantly to PSG's success.

Russell Howard ([01:19]):
"Mbappe might not have enjoyed it... Hakimi was fantastic. Due Vitinia, Jal Neves, the Georgian that nobody can pronounce. Just unreal."

Chris Whittingham ([06:16]):
"You probably have to go with Due just because of what he did. That little flick... expressing himself in this game."

Due Vitinia emerges as the man of the match, praised for his audacious style and ability to take creative risks that paid off during the final. The discussion also touches on Mbappe's potential frustration despite the team's victory, suggesting internal team dynamics at play.

---

4. Memorable Moments and Anecdotes

The hosts reminisce about various memorable moments from the season, blending humor with insightful commentary.

Chris Whittingham ([16:55]):
"John was wearing some sandals... 'Who's staying in the house?'"

Russell Howard ([21:10]):
"Come on back to me... 'He's got a sore throat.'"

From impersonations of Ian Holloway to humorous takes on football songs, the episode is rich with entertaining snippets that showcase the hosts' camaraderie and playful banter.

---

5. Fan Culture and Football Songs

A notable segment explores the unique culture of football chants and songs, particularly in English football.

Russell Howard ([22:27]):
"No cheerleaders, nobody's shooting a T-shirt with a rocket into the crowd... just deeply frustrated men who've spent a lot of money start screaming."

Chris Whittingham ([23:46]):
"It's still, I think, it boggles the mind how Brits put together these songs."

The hosts delve into the organic creation of football songs, contrasting it with more structured American sports traditions. They highlight the spontaneity and communal aspect of these chants, which often stem from passionate fan bases rather than organized efforts.

---

6. Predictions for the Next Season

Looking ahead, Russell and Chris share their forecasts for upcoming football seasons and transfer windows.

Russell Howard ([40:05]):
"I think Liverpool should win to play it safe. It's probably like Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea."

Chris Whittingham ([42:20]):
"Bonus prediction. I think Barcelona wins the Champions League next season."

Their predictions emphasize the continued dominance of established clubs like Manchester City and Liverpool, while also acknowledging potential dark horses and transfer market surprises that could reshape the competitive landscape.

---

7. Concluding Remarks and Season Reflection

Wrapping up the season, the hosts reflect on the highs and lows, expressing gratitude to their audience and teasing future content.

Russell Howard ([43:15]):
"As ever, your support means the world to us. So please remember to like, rate, and subscribe to Goalless wherever you listen to podcasts."

Chris Whittingham ([43:29]):
"Goalless is probably sponsored by Paramount Plus, the home of the UEFA Champions League."

They celebrate the season's achievements, share inside jokes, and look forward to continuing the conversation post-summer break, ensuring listeners remain engaged and excited for what's to come.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Russell Howard ([05:06]):
  "It's not just about a system. It was about individuals all went out and won their battles."

• Chris Whittingham ([09:55]):
  "Every one of those players is now an A-level individual star that will exceed what they were bought for."

• Russell Howard ([26:21]):
  "Google celery now. Google celery. Chelsea, please."

These quotes encapsulate the essence of the discussions, highlighting tactical insights, player evaluations, and humorous anecdotes that pepper the episode.

---

Conclusion:

"GOALLESS - The Divine Shadows (Season Finale)" offers a comprehensive and entertaining wrap-up of the football season, blending in-depth analysis with humor and personal stories. Russell Howard and Chris Whittingham deliver a nuanced perspective on key matches, player performances, and the ever-evolving dynamics of football culture, making it a must-listen for enthusiasts seeking both information and entertainment.

Transcript

[Russell Howard]

Smart last medium.

[Chris Whittingham]

In our last goalless of the season, we have all the reaction to an emphatic Champions League final. The winners and losers in Europe this season will recap some of our favorite moments from the show and look ahead to what's in store for the beautiful game.

[Russell Howard]

It's an absolute roller coaster of emotions. Witty for final time this season. Let's go goalless.

[Chris Whittingham]

Welcome to goalless, the noisy cowbell players in football's rock band. Russell, good to see you again. For one final time this season, we've been kind of chronicling this Champions League as it went all the way through and it ends up with as one side of a final as we've ever seen. Maybe the best performance we've ever seen in a Champions League final from a PSG team that has kind of been debated as both amazing and also kind of a triumph of sports washing. What, what did you make of it all as. As the final played out? PSG 5, Inter nil.

[Russell Howard]

However they got to that team, the team they have is exceptional. And I noticed watching it, not only are they a team, but individually they all win their battles and this is a good interteam. I kind of also sense that Luis Enrique, I don't know that, you know, it felt like the spirit was with him, you know, with the whole story with his daughter. It just felt like, yeah, we are winning and we are going to win emphatically. It, you know, it was wonderful. The only person that must have not enjoyed it was Mbappe. Do you know what I mean? I can imagine. I hope to God he wasn't wearing white jeans because I imagine there was food everywhere. He was flinging stuff. His neighbors must have been like, jesus, Cillian's really losing it. But it was, they were fantastic. Hakimi was fantastic. Due Vitinia, Jal Neves, the Georgian that nobody can pronounce. Just, just unreal. Dembele, what a team. And it's that, it's like you've said, really it. That team has come together since January and they're young and yeah, they're gonna take some stopping. And it was a great final. It was one sided. But having watched the Europa League, which was like watching two alcoholic grandmothers fight in a car park, it's nice to see a truly brilliant team turn on the power, you know.

[Chris Whittingham]

And the wild thing is, is that normally every big Champions League game, it's the reason why we love it. It's heavyweight teams, competition coming up against each other and throwing punches at each other. It is so rare. That we see games at this level where one team is so obviously better than the other. And it seems like they couldn't come to grips with PSG physically. In turn, they couldn't like run enough to get into space to then get into the places where they wanted to be to attack. And when they did get into attacking moments like, oh my God, we got to do something here because if we don't, then they're going to get the ball back and they're going to have it for 90 more seconds and God, what are we going to do when they have the ball for 90 more seconds? And it was just sort of that level of panic that you don't normally see from a team in a Champions League final. Normally you see Inter, a team that are so composed can play in a variety of different ways. So overrun by this BFC team. And I do think it's kind of interesting the way that we got here because you mentioned it's been basically since December, January. Dembele gets moved from a wing position to a center forward position, although sort of nominally they kind of move to the old false nine system that Barcelona used to play back in the day where anyone can kind of play anywhere. And it was kind of funny to listen to the commentators and they're kind of saying, oh, the right back is in a forward position, can you believe it? But you watch PSG enough and you sort of unwed yourself from convention. You're like, well, there is. There are no positions. PSG have completely stretched any and all definition of what positions are. And that only comes from a group of players that all can defend, that all can control possession, that all can create chances and all can finish chances. Every single player on the pitch, maybe bar the center backs, participates in a complete total football. Obviously, like obviously the Dutch invented that.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah, it's funny you mentioned that because that was exactly what I was thinking. It's like you have Hakimi who could essentially play as a forward or a right back. You know, Dembele can play anywhere across the front free. They're a really good team. How does Mbappe feel, do you think watching? Is it. Is it frustration? Is it? Or did. Or is it that thing that they. Is there something exciting about the teams that are holding on to their star man? To see a team lose the star men of all star men and then go on to be better, Is there something quite exciting about, you know, Man United going, Is there a future beyond Fernandez palace, getting rid of Eze, you know, Liverpool and Salah? Like, does it hopefully it gives hope that the system is always better than the one individual.

[Chris Whittingham]

And that's how I've kind of always felt about sport. I've always kind of been the one to ask the question, oh, I wonder what PSU would look like without Mbappe or what Real Madrid would look like without Ronaldo. Which they were fine. Real Madrid went on to keep winning Champions leagues after Ronaldo left. And I do think that sometimes teams can be too centered around an individual player. Obviously you need to have some level of collective talent. As you said, it wasn't just about a system. It was about individuals all went out and win their battles. But, but if you're Mbappe, I think first off, you think, well, I won the World cup, but I probably could easily have won a second if Randall Kolobuani could have finished a chance, an extra time against Argentina. So it's not like he's short of, of, of collective accolades. Think though that Mbappe might wonder though, well, that viral video of Luis Enrique basically saying, hey, Michael Jordan defended his ass off too. Scotty Pippen defended his ass off too. And just because they're great offensive players doesn't mean you can't also be a great defensive player. That's similar in you to basically do what Dembele did for this team. He could have done it, and of course he could have done it his whole life. But I think Mbappe came up in the PSG team of, of Neymar and I think that kind of set a bad individual example for him.

[Russell Howard]

Who is your man of the match?

[Chris Whittingham]

You probably have to go with Due just because of what he did. That little flick was just, I mean, the audacity to do that in a Champions League final. How many coaches, how many people would tell you not to do that? And yet here he is completely expressing himself in this game.

[Russell Howard]

I think you've, you've hit the nail on the head there. I don't know if Enrique doesn't tell them, do you know what I mean? I think that might be their secret weapon. It's like, I trust you because all of you have got the ability to do something extraordinary and if you fail, somebody's got your back. Yeah, like, do you know what I mean?

[Chris Whittingham]

It is simultaneously highly systematized and highly individualized. Yeah, there's an incredibly well drilled system in this team where everyone moves in coordination with one another. But ultimately football comes down to who creates in the individual moments. And Due and Kvaratskhelia are all players that can do that.

[Russell Howard]

So phenomenally like One minute they're a jazz band, next minute they're dropping drones.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yes.

[Russell Howard]

Do you know what I mean? It's kind of. It's like you can do whatever you want and then we've lost it. Kill, kill, kill. You know what I mean?

[Chris Whittingham]

It's like.

[Russell Howard]

But that's what's so impressive about them. But that the great Barcelona team with the kind of naughties had that same thing. As soon as they lost it, they just kind of swamped teams, which is.

[Chris Whittingham]

So wild because normally we think of those teams as kind of soft centered. You can get at them, you can get at Puyol, you can get at Pique. But there's nothing about this PSG team that feels very soft centered, which is kind of the terrifying bit because we know they have amazing attacking and technical quality to create and have possession and go at teams and create chances. But to kind of have that happen. Also on the flip side, defensively, where you're that good at hunting the ball is kind of ridiculous. It is the team ethic that was built. That is what you gain by not having Mbappe when you are carrying a passenger. Defensively there is but so good you can be on the other side of the ball. But when all 11 players are committed to it and you also wonder as well, it's kind of a story of journeys as well. You think about Usman Dembele. I don't know if he was going to be that player when he was bought by Barcelona for over 100 million euro, or he was probably going to go to Barcelona and be an attack minded player. But when it didn't work out for him, all of a sudden the very compelling message of Luis Enrique, of if you just follow my lead, I will take you to where you want to go. And maybe unfortunately for him is that lead includes a lot of running and you're going to have to do it my way. But I promise you, you will get your 30 goals, which he eventually went and did. I also kind of want to point out that in the midst of this change of system of Dembele moving up front, there are two strikers that they signed for 160 million euro that are basically tossed off to the side. Randall Colani, who I mentioned earlier, could have scored the winning goal in the World cup final, signed from Eintracht Frankfurt to PSG for 95 million. Gonzalo Ramos, who actually replaced Cristiano Ronaldo at the very same World cup for a game, and he scored, I believe either two goals or a hat trick in a game. For Portugal, then got signed by PSG for I want to say 65 million. It could have been more. Both of them have had their turns at playing center four for psg. Luis Enrique kind of went, I'm not really having either of you, but there's still a ton of money and there's still a lot of brilliant players in this team, but there's still a lot of money spent, particularly that front four. If you include Due Kvara, Celia Dembele and Barcolo came off the bench. It's like $240 million with a player. So they're still amazingly talented. They're just executing at an incredibly high level in this system.

[Russell Howard]

I think what's in. But the, the difference being they're bought for 240 million. They're probably worth 500 million now like that. But that's, that's the difference.

[Chris Whittingham]

Every one of those players is now an A level of individual star that will exceed what they were bought for.

[Russell Howard]

It's kind of like high level moneyball, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? They'll probably lose a bit of money on, you know, the, the two other strikers you mentioned, but fundamentally that, you know, they could still sell the team and be in the green. Yeah, yeah, very. I thought Bettinio played very well again.

[Chris Whittingham]

Oh man, he's a really like. It's for two years now. For two years now I watch him, I go, he's play, he's playing at a level that very few can. Especially when so much of the modern game is about sort of those number sixes. You see what Dean Rice gets bought for. You see what Rodri would go for now if he was on the open market. I think City bought him for 50 million and that's an absolute steal now compared to what those number sixes that can physically and with the ball control a game. Our producers ask a question I think is a very good one. Is this the start of a dynasty? Do you think that this is a team that can very easily win multiple bits of silverware?

[Russell Howard]

Well, yeah, because it feels like they're all, they're young or they're in their prime. You know that Hakimi is absolutely in his prime and you know any left sided winger going up against him is going to have to have the game of their life to do anything. They, you know, Donna rumor has been phenomenal this year and also they've got that monkey off their back. They've won it now. So they don't have that kind of, they won't have the fear from the crowd of like, oh, we're going to screw it up. Did you watch the other European finals?

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, yeah. The Chelsea one was fascinating. I thought that. I thought Betsy's for a half were going to do it. I really did. I thought that they were the better side in that first half. They were the better side probably for 60 minutes. I remember watching before Chelsea's first squad. I think I said out loud, this Chelsea team, do not look at it today at all. Like. And you're wondering, like, where is everyone? And then Cole Palmer hits that one cross and that appears to have changed everything for them. So Chelsea win the conference. And then you already mentioned the two drunk grandmothers fighting it out in the Europa League finally.

[Russell Howard]

Has there been a worst European cup final ever? Than that in terms of like, are they the. The two worst teams to have ever played in a major European final? It was.

[Chris Whittingham]

And we'd have.

[Russell Howard]

It was imagine.

[Chris Whittingham]

But it was terrible. It was terrible.

[Russell Howard]

I was imagining kind of like what kind of foreign fans would think of English football. Do you know what I mean? You could just imagine the world over going, what? This is. This is English football. This is, you know, they're just, yeah.

[Chris Whittingham]

You know, well, and also. And also probably the fan. The fan bases of the teams in their weight going, man, we couldn't beat this lot. If you're Leon or Athletic Club even, who obviously dreamt so much of hosting that final on their stadium, you're going, man, we couldn't beat this match. We lost seven to this Manchester United team. How. How did that happen? But yeah, I mean, for spurs, though, it's vindication. For Ange, it's a trophy. It's Champions League football. Their season goes from disaster to, wow. There's a lot we can salvage from this in one game.

[Russell Howard]

Can you sack somebody if they've got you Champions League football, I guess you.

[Chris Whittingham]

Can, because you lost 21 games or 22 games, ended up being. Which is the most losses for a team that's ever avoided relegation, which I found to be a remarkable stat that Tottenham Hotspur have set that record.

[Russell Howard]

My friend Adil, who's a Spurs fan, was crying because it just. And it's. There's something really lovely about that that you kind of. You forget, you know, a lot of clubs don't get to win stuff. It's like palace winning the FA cup finals. Just brilliant. You know, I mean, it's obviously a red. Jesus. But. But the very fact that. That there has been, you know, the fact that Newcastle won the league Cup Great. Palace won the FA cup. You know, it's kind of. Spurs are going to be in the Champions League.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, I mean, obviously psg, winning a Champions League for the first time.

[Russell Howard]

Psg, yeah. Right.

[Chris Whittingham]

Even Napoli, even though they've won it for a second time in three years, only their fourth time ever in club history. And you can see in the celebrations that.

[Russell Howard]

No shit. Is that right?

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, Napoli, Napoli, like are kind of among the giants in Serie A, but they have very little history of winning. It's really only Juve, Inter and Bilan that have an actual genuine history of winning. But for Napoli, it's their fourth ever time. You can tell in celebrations because I think the previous time they won it on the road and so to win it at home in that stadium, the entire stadium was surrounded by flares. It was, it was incredible. But yeah, I mean there, there are a lot of first time winners.

[Russell Howard]

McTominay, you know, wins Serie A with Napoli first season. You know, Harry Kane's first silverware of his career. You know, one of the biggest shocks was, and I was only aware, you know, I don't really follow Dutch football from the day to day, but the, the way that IAX fell apart, my God, that's wild.

[Chris Whittingham]

Nine point lead with seven games to go. And it's like, it's not like their opposition PSV were like, you know, they won all seven of their games. And so yeah, they're, you know, they were on their way. It's like they, they, they were also blowing results and then IAX were just that terrible. It's kind of wild to see a manager. Francesco Farioli came in from Italian football Engineer a good season. They were on their way to winning the title and in seven games went from we're building around this guy to he's out, he left, he left the club. And like that is again, like, I think that was kind of the theme of the last month of the season for me was how quickly the narrative can shift from great to awful. In one tournament, in one month for Inter, it went from we're going to win the treble again to winning nothing. Winning nothing.

[Russell Howard]

But what a season it's been. Fantastic as ever. And also here's the big thing, here's the. Certainly in England, the elephant in the room is still what's going on with Man City. Like, yeah, like, were they under investigation? I mean, but you know what I.

[Chris Whittingham]

Mean, this was our first goalless episodes. We're about to do like a retrospective on the year. I would say maybe episode three or four was we had a guest on Sam Lee of the Athletic breaking down the charges and what we were going to do about the charges. And it's going to come in January, it'll come in March, and like a whole other season has come and gone without us knowing anything. So we'll get to our predictions at the end of what will happen in the future. But, I mean, for the moment, we have to treat Manchester City as if they're in next season's Champions League, but we don't know with 100% certainty that that is going to happen. But after that, look on our retrospective on the season. After the break, we'll turn back the clock and relive some of our favorite moments from the show rather than from the season. That's. Welcome back to Goalless Russell. The goalless team have put together some of their favorite moments from this goal team. Yeah, we've got. We got a team of people that work on this podcast. Yeah. Max. To be fair, this is. Max has been working on overdrive for like an hour before the recording because producer Tim did not give him enough notice on these clips.

[Russell Howard]

Exactly.

[Chris Whittingham]

And so he's got to get grinding away through all the nonsense that we've talked for the last.

[Russell Howard]

That's their relationship.

[Chris Whittingham]

Nine months. Yeah.

[Russell Howard]

To find the clips, tell the world what's going on. We got a demonic Santa working that poor elf bastard.

[Chris Whittingham]

It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable what producer Tim has done to Max today. So let's wander down memory lane, starting with this moment from your pal Russell, John Oliver, where we discuss how your mom sounds a lot like current Swindon Town manager Ian Holloway. No, you don't talk like Ian Holloway. He does.

[Russell Howard]

He does. My. My mom does, my mom does, and all of my cousins. But so for me, it's like. It's like watching one of my cousins. God like sake. Just don't mean we're trying to get it up him. And then they're defending like that me sideways. Anyways, he's not exactly.

[Chris Whittingham]

His mom is basically Ian Holloway in a wig.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah. Do you know, that's one of my memories. I remember John staying around my house and I'd done various impressions of my mum on stage down the years. And John was wearing some sandals, if you can believe such a thing. And he very neatly put the sandals or the flip flops at the bottom of the stairs before he went to bed. And my mom saw these sandals and bellowed up, who's staying in the house? Fucking Jesus. And John. John was at the top of the Stairs looking at me and went, oh, my God, it's all true. It's all true. We got Jesus in the house. All right. Jesus. Oh, praise be. Look at him.

[Chris Whittingham]

Let me run a bath. See if you can do that trick across the water.

[Russell Howard]

All right, Jay, So I hear you're gonna bring peace to the fucking galaxy. How do you like your eggs? Use a glass of auto Pinot Grigio, please.

[Chris Whittingham]

My favorite part of that, Russell, is that we are doing this show ostensibly for an American audience. American audiences watch the Premier League. They might have seen Ian Holloway in his Blackpool Times, but perhaps a very specific reference. And yet, even if you have not heard of Ian Holloway, you kind of know exactly who he is based off of your impression of him.

[Russell Howard]

Yes, and. But he harks back to that sort of, you know, that mid noughties. So it was the perfect time for football. And, you know, obviously I'm nostalgic about it, but it's when managers like Ian Holloway could still be in the Premier League, I guess Ange is kind of a bit like that. He's kind of. I'm not a clown, mate. I'm not a clown. It's those moments and it's kind of, you know, I miss that. It feels like sometimes managers have the kind of their media trained out of those. I would love it if we won. Love it. You know, and you very rarely get that. I guess Arteta does it a bit sometimes. You can sort of see the sweat on the mascara and he's kind of got that fury. But yeah, I miss managers like Holloway. I really do.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah. I think what you're trying to say is it's all just gotten a bit linked in, hasn't it? It's a bit like people that read a few too many leadership books and have gone to a few too many leadership conferences and aren't just characters like Ian Holloway is just a complete and absolute character and the same thing. That's what I've enjoyed about him for two years. And if he leaves spurs and leaves the Premier League, that is what I will miss about him, is that you kind of don't know what's going to happen next when it comes to him. So. But that is a brilliant Ian Holloway, if a very specific reference.

[Russell Howard]

On a separate note, I was talking about my cousins, my cousin Lewis, his son's team, an under 13 team just outside Bristol. They won their league and going into the final game of the season, he was staying around my house with his son and his daughter the day before and we kind of had this chat, me and Lewis and I said, how are you going to approach it as their manager? And he was like going, I don't really know. And I was trying to be the kind of older brother and going, I think what you've got to do is just tell them, listen, give it everything, don't leave anything there, but don't frighten them, you know, let them know about the potential that this is going to be a memory forever. And he was like, yeah, yeah, fair point. It's two, two. And in the last 10 minutes they win five, two. And I speak to Lewis and I said, what did you say? And he went, I just called him in and said, you do it, you. You go out there, you smash it. Like all the plan, all these plan went out the window. And he just, he told me, he goes, it's the first time I've done it, but it really works. So he essentially screamed at his children.

[Chris Whittingham]

Turned into like a National League manager. I don't know if you've ever seen the.

[Russell Howard]

You've got a result out of him. So maybe gentle parenting doesn't work. Another favorite moment for the team was singing Liverpool songs with our friend and exec producer on Goalless, Will Arnett. Particularly Witty's valiant attempt to do Luis Diaz's song justice. Let's listen.

[Chris Whittingham]

My favorite is still is Olle Ole Olay.

[Russell Howard]

Oh, yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it?

[Chris Whittingham]

And there's something about the new Luis Diaz song is fantastic. How does that show he came from Porto. He came to school. You haven't seen. Oh, it's like huge on.

[Russell Howard]

Come on back to me.

[Chris Whittingham]

He's got. He came to score, came to score, came to score, score, score is Luis Diaz. He's from Barrancas and he plays for Liverpool. It's to the tune of Bella Cio. I don't know that one.

[Russell Howard]

What a great cut underneath.

[Chris Whittingham]

I made my dickhead for 30 seconds and I'm not hearing.

[Russell Howard]

I know it. Can you imagine? That would be the best heckle at a karaoke bar.

[Chris Whittingham]

Not.

[Russell Howard]

Not one I've heard of.

[Chris Whittingham]

At the end when you're done singing.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell. I had an experience. I was in a karaoke bar in Sheffield recently and when you hear old northern men singing arctic monkey songs, it really changes the feeling of the lyrics. Do you know what I mean? I bet that you. I bet that you look good on the dance floor. It's like if you're a teenager in a tracksuit, that's fine. But if you're an old Fan know what you're looking for? I don't know if you're looking for romance, I don't know what you're looking for. It's chilling, it's amazing. It changes everything. But I didn't know you knew that song. How did you find that song out? You're not a Liverpool fan.

[Chris Whittingham]

My TikTok algorithm tends to feed me football songs because I always engage with them. I. I love football songs. I love how they come about. I love how that people engage with them. How, you know, it kind of becomes a new thing and then you hear it on the tv. And mostly, honestly, I'm curious about them because when you watch on tv, it's very difficult to discern the lyrics. And so, like, when I. When I hear them, I kind of want to, like, I go and explore, like, all right, Luis Diaz song. What are those fans singing? And I ended up staying with it because I just really enjoyed them. I think it's one of the things that Americans struggle the most to relate to about English football fans is how do you guys all get coordinated on the songs? Like, is there a meeting where we all go, this is the song, and then this is how we're going to sing it? No, it's like you kind of come up with it, like, it seemingly on the coaches on the way trips or, you know, like what? Like all these different avenues are in. You know, at halftime, during the away stand, 10 people start to sing, then 100 people. Like. It's still, I think, boggles the mind how Brits put together these songs. It doesn't make any sense, I think.

[Russell Howard]

Because there's no cheerleaders, nobody's shooting a T shirt with a rocket into the crowd. You know, there's nobody with an organ going. It's just deeply frustrated men who've spent a lot of money who start screaming. And then somebody puts that to a tune. I think.

[Chris Whittingham]

I think that's kind of.

[Russell Howard]

Do you know what I mean? It's sort of. But it is. It's weird. I remember there's a brilliant comedian called Glenn Wall, a Canadian comic, and he kind of made that point. He went. I remember this line he had where he went. Went to my first soccer game pleasantly surprised to see that you sing songs and out of it. It's so unusual if you've never, you know, like, you know. And they had this bit about, you know, I didn't know it had to be specifics. Imagine the look I got when I laid down some Depeche Mode.

[Chris Whittingham]

There is that video is It. The Nike commercial where all the guys are singing truly, madly, deeply, and they're like all these, like, really aggressive football fans, and they're singing, like, a beautiful love song together.

[Russell Howard]

I will be strong, I will be faithful. Cause I'm counting on a new beginning A reason for living A deeper living I wanna stand with you on a housing. I wanna bathe with you in the city.

[Chris Whittingham]

And it's like, it is such a, I think, complete cultural disconnect that your angriest men join together in song. It doesn't. It really doesn't make any sense, but you're so right.

[Russell Howard]

It's like I've got a sore throat. Last night, I was. I was singing at some men like it. You know what I mean? It's just like I was reaching for the high notes. But it's my. My favorite song just. Just because of how random it is. This is the Chelsea song. I love that because I don't know how they came up with it, but it's that, you know, and this speaks to boredom. The Chelsea official song is Celery. Celery. If she don't come, I'll tickle her bum with a lump of celery. Celery. That's their song. They all sing it.

[Chris Whittingham]

That can't be the song. That can't be the song.

[Russell Howard]

Google it, my man. That's the song. Yeah. Celery.

[Chris Whittingham]

That's unbelievable.

[Russell Howard]

Google celery now. Google celery. Chelsea, please.

[Chris Whittingham]

All right, I'm on.

[Russell Howard]

I know you're in a hotel and you don't want them going through your Internet history, but it's fine. Just get rid of it. Go to private browser.

[Chris Whittingham]

All right, well, we'll take a quick break, and when we come back, I'll have the Google results on Chelsea. Welcome back to Go. Listen, Russell, we've done the Googling, and it turns out apparently celery had to be banned from Stamford Bridge because of this song. So, yeah, fucking Ellie. You were right about that. I'm wildly confused as to how that came about, but there we go.

[Russell Howard]

I'll tell you how that came about. That was a nil. Nil draw. And a pervert just started bellowing, that's how that came about. And yet everyone must have been like, sally, he's just there in the corner. Celery. Celery. What? You're. You're right there. You're right there. Nathan, you have a celery. If she don't come, I'll tickle her. Celery. So he's. Maddie is Celery. It's quite catchy though, isn't it? If she don't come, I'll take a little celery. Someone should really get rid of him. Celery. And before you know it, people are going to Green Grocers. They're picking out the. The biggest and best bit of celery to then throw the club. John Terry, I think after they won the Champions League final, is swinging celery around like Morrissey with leaks. It's absolutely fantastic.

[Chris Whittingham]

All right, we're supposed to be doing clips here.

[Russell Howard]

We've got another one here, mate. This next one is actually a favorite of mine. It's Reece Darby telling a story about filming the movie. Next goal wins and realizing halfway through that he's telling a story he can't tell and then trying to get out of it by being as vague as possible. Then when we reshot the thing, because I had to get reshot because there was a certain actor that got a little bit canceled.

[Chris Whittingham]

He was since un.

[Russell Howard]

Cancelling himself at the moment, I think. But. And you know, I don't know the full details on that. Let's not go into it.

[Chris Whittingham]

But when I love digging small holes and leaving the dirt sort of just sort of around.

[Russell Howard]

Can you imagine if the news was that vague? That'd be wonderful.

[Chris Whittingham]

Just kind of go, it was just context clues. Trying to figure out, welcome to Hollywood.

[Russell Howard]

Something. Something terrible's happened. I think you know who it is. I know.

[Chris Whittingham]

That'S a good one. Vague news.

[Russell Howard]

That could be a new show for us. There's a movie coming out.

[Chris Whittingham]

It's not looking very good, but I.

[Russell Howard]

Won'T let you know which one it is.

[Chris Whittingham]

I wouldn't go and see it myself, but something for everyone, I guess.

[Russell Howard]

Some people do. Some people do. There you go. Reese Reecy.

[Chris Whittingham]

Just a bit of awkwardness around Armie Hammer. You know, can't say his name.

[Russell Howard]

Oh, is that who it was?

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, that's who it was. That's who it was.

[Russell Howard]

Okay. Six months later you go, and here's what it was.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, right. Yeah. That'd be like the follow up news show to the new show that we kind of came up with, which is six months later. It's sort of like the revealing of the crossword answers in the newspaper the next day. Now, one of the things we discovered this season is that Russell is really good at doing voices and accents. Was you voicing a bizarre story earlier this year of when Bulgarian top side Arak Kaya held a minute silence for former player Petko Ch. Before kickoff only to discover the 78 year old player was not yet dead. This is Russell in his best Bulgarian voicing Petco Ch's reaction to being dead. Take a listen.

[Russell Howard]

I was 10 minutes late to watch the kickoff because I had a personal job that I'd rather not go into. Whilst driving home, my phone started ringing a lot. I parked in front of our, entered the yard and my wife greets me, crying, shouting, petko, Petko. They announced on TV that you have died. It is normal to spread a rumor here in the village, but they announced it in front of the whole football audience of Bulgaria. So many people called me relatives, friends, acquaintances and not so big acquaintances. The situation was not pleasant, but in the end we have to be positive.

[Chris Whittingham]

No, we don't. No, you don't. Your friends tried to kill you.

[Russell Howard]

God, I love that in the end, it's all his words. I love it. It's just even, even like near death and even being Bulgarian, he still speaks like a footballer would speak. Do you know what I mean? But that is a man essentially describing a ten year old defeat. But going. And at the end he goes, but you know, next week we go again. We, we fix the defense and who knows, you know, it's just that, my God, what a thing. But in the end, you helped me.

[Chris Whittingham]

Press conference chat from a dead man.

[Russell Howard]

Oh, so great. Yes, I really enjoyed that. What a terrific, terrific story. And he's still with us. We should check that because this is a couple of months later. Yeah, producers, come on, let's check. He's still here. Now here is another one. There's been many impassioned moments from you this season. It's been hard to pick the best witty rant. There's been a few, but we've gone for this one about Eric Ten Hag sacking from Man United. Let's listen.

[Chris Whittingham]

Let's get into some breaking news. It is the story that, frankly, I have been waiting for for far too long. I have given way too many opinions about Erik Ten Hag at Manchester United. And you might be thinking, Chris, you host a podcast that focuses on the Champions League. Manchester United played Champions League football last season, not this season. Hey, editor Max, start the diss track now. The rest of us are only surprised it took this long after another wretched run of results to start this season. It's ironic that since 2022, 2023, the only team to concede more goals than Man United are West Ham. And you must say, this had been a long time coming. It is actually remarkable how Poor Manchester United results have been. And it's easy to kind of forget that they are Manchester United, but they sit 14th in the premier League table. This is Manchester United we're talking about, sitting behind Bournemouth, Fulham, Brentford, Forest, Brighton. And in some ways, erik10hag's own lack of success allowed him to have more not success, because the standard has only lowered and lowered and lowered the idea that not only did he continue after an abysmal season last year, at no point did Manchester United look like they were progressing under 10. Haggard. They finished eighth. They had a negative goal differential. They scored 57. They conceded 58.

[Russell Howard]

Oh, I loved that. That was.

[Chris Whittingham]

And somehow it got worse.

[Russell Howard]

That was the football nerd equivalent of Eminem, Stan. Do you know what I mean? It was. Oh, it was so detailed. And yet they're in exactly the same position with the new manager. Extraordinary, isn't it?

[Chris Whittingham]

Worse position.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah. But, you know, given that it's like so quickly, where do we go from here? What do we do? Like to the point where you go. You Even forget that 10 Hag was the manager at the beginning of the season. That's what I mean. Football is so fascinating, isn't it? You just kind of. You really thought that he would sort of kick that team on. But all of a sudden, particularly without. They don't have Europa League football, they don't have Conference League football, they don't have the Champions League. They've just got the Premier. Have we got any more? Is there anything? We've got one final. One final one.

[Chris Whittingham]

We've got one last one. Russell.

[Russell Howard]

Great.

[Chris Whittingham]

And we've had a lot of fun with the games, with the quizzes here on the show. Here's a favorite moment in a game we created called Two Brazilians and a Lie, which is the fake name. It was harder than we thought it would be. Lots of famous and funny names with themes. Take a listen to this one. Witty shit, fucks and Wanker.

[Russell Howard]

Brilliant. Brilliant again.

[Chris Whittingham]

I mean, he's not having this. I'm just not having this.

[Russell Howard]

Wanker. Jesus Christ. Imagine that just playing on a theme. Welcome to today's match of the day. So it's three at the back. Wanker. Hand job in midfield trombone is the holding 10. Number 10, fat labia and missing clicks. Okay. It's gonna be a wonderful two, three.

[Chris Whittingham]

Changes from the team that last played against Fluminense with Arso dropping to the bench.

[Russell Howard]

So what the. So shit, Fuck and Wanker. Right. Witty. What do you think, man? Go on.

[Chris Whittingham]

I'm gonna say fuck. I just I refuse to believe that that's the name of a footballer. That's my guess. It's Wanker. Oh, man. Wow. Is it like F U C H s like Christian Fuchs. Oh, man. That's unkind. That is unkind. You've done me again, Tim. There you go.

[Russell Howard]

I love that we still don't understand the, the quiz.

[Chris Whittingham]

Don't understand the game. It really is just a vehicle for Tim to try and mess with me somehow. And it was quite. It was quite effective. It was quite effective.

[Russell Howard]

I loved it, as it turns out. Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did. But it was a real trip down memory lane. What a season it's been. And on that note, we should look ahead to next year. Let's do that.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, it's gonna be. It's gonna be wild. As we say goodbye to last season, let's look ahead to the summer transfer window. And beyond looking all these Premier League teams, are we kind of getting ready to load up? Your boys at Liverpool already got Johnny Frimpong. Florian Vertz is the one that completely shocked me. I, I really thought. Thought it was either Bayern or City. Liverpool is a shock to me that, that, that. That your club are in for him.

[Russell Howard]

I know. It's insane, isn't it? There's clearly money to spend and I think they're going to offload a few, but my God, yeah. Who saw that coming? Florian Verts. I mean, a lot. We're spending a lot of money on him, but he's 22 and in the kind of PSG thing that I was talking about earlier, you know, if he does well, we'll probably be able to sell him for 150. So, you know, I think we'll make money off him if he does go to Bayern Munich. It's a very cynical way of looking at it, but you have to look at it, right? I've seen a lot of highlight reels of him and he looks phenomenal. I'm just really surprised. I'm really surprised that Man City haven't gone for him. Apparently it came down. I mean, you never know. This is the thing about the transfer. As soon as the season ends, football fans are so desperate for any sniff of football crack. But I was reading some article and basically the implication was that his family had gone to meet City and they were less impressed with Guardiola and whether Guardiola is still going to be with City versus, You know, the Liverpool setup felt very kind of, you know, you know, Arnie Slot is like, I'M here. This is what I want to do. We won the league, we're going to go on, we're going to do this, we've got places, you know what I mean? It's. It just. He was more impressed. So by all accounts, kind of it was the chat with slot that got him over the line. And I think similarly with kind of Vincent Co. At Bayern Munich, you're kind of like, you're not really a Bayern Munich manager. You won the Bundesliga, but do you know what I mean? You're with Bayern Munich. You should do that. So incredible, really. And apparently we're in for Kirkus as well. But what do you think about City signings?

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah, I mean, they've spent a ton, I think. You look at Marmouche, I really liked him when he came in in January. I was a little worried that that talent wasn't going to translate. But everybody else hasn't really massively impressed yet, I don't think think. And they're going for Reinders from Milan, who was terrific last season, had an incredible run of goal scoring. But I think to me he's a more natural replacement for Ilkai Gundogan. It looks. He's kind of getting on in years, so I can see him being there. Ryan Sherke, a very good, creative player for leon, is linked. Ryan 8. Nori, the latest to be linked at left back. Not surprised coming over from Wolves, really.

[Russell Howard]

Not surprised by that. But he's. Yeah.

[Chris Whittingham]

It's a lot of money, though, Russ. It's a lot of money that they're spending in. In the wake of these charges. It makes me think that. That they've kind of got that one sewn up. You would think.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah, it must be. And Arsenal have got that Zubimendi, apparently. And it's. It's the sort of strikers really, isn't it? It's Osimhen Sheko and is it Yokeres. But there's also. There's a German lad. It's like Eke or something like that.

[Chris Whittingham]

Oh, Ekitike from. From Eintracht.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah. He's been very good. Very good for them as well.

[Russell Howard]

But this is what happens. It's a bit like football fans in England become a bit like, you know, sort of. Of sort of milfs. A Spanish bar overhearing cocktails. Do you know what I mean? And it's like we should. We should try one of them. Them at a tech case. Yeah, let's get like. You know what I mean?

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah.

[Russell Howard]

But it is that. It is that thing we've got nothing else to do. So you just.

[Chris Whittingham]

Right.

[Russell Howard]

You kind of want.

[Chris Whittingham]

And also seemingly from. From my vantage point on the other side of the pond. No concept for money. Every club's fans goes, let's sell the players. We'll get a bunch of money for them.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah.

[Chris Whittingham]

And then that'll finance everybody. And like it's just not how football business works. And that's how things end up in financial trouble.

[Russell Howard]

Yep. But Newcastle, you know, I think because they made it into the Champions League.

[Chris Whittingham]

Yeah. I think at the very least to keep their guys.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah, I think they will.

[Chris Whittingham]

All right. So. So let's. So let's hear it. Let's hear your top four and your champion for next Premier League season then.

[Russell Howard]

Okay. Well I think Liverpool should win to play it safe. It's probably like man City, Arsenal, Chelsea. I would say is my top four with. With Chelsea to win the League Cup. Liverpool to win the FA cup and yeah I would say the PSG win the Champions League again.

[Chris Whittingham]

I'm trying to figure out how not to go boring with this prediction.

[Russell Howard]

There's like.

[Chris Whittingham]

There's like a tiny part of me that wants to see if like Newcastle can make this interesting and they go and spend some money and like. Yeah, but they are competing at the top end.

[Russell Howard]

I would say Newcastle but you know, aside from City and Arsenal, like City can't underperform like that again. I just can't see it happening.

[Chris Whittingham]

Especially with Rodri back. Especially.

[Russell Howard]

Exactly. And I think. I think Arsenal will get a striker and they'll have a few more kind of goals and I just think Chelsea have got the. The beginnings of something there. But I also do think Newcastle. So I could. I could easily see them kind of sneaking. I think the problem is for Newcastle again it's playing that Champions League every week and Crystal palace who you know they were fantastic towards the.

[Chris Whittingham]

But you wonder if they. If they lose as a. Do they kind of start as they did last season where it took them forever to get going and then they eventually went on and won things and. And if you're Palace. If you're palace, you want to throw everything at the Europa League. You don't know when you're playing in Europe again.

[Russell Howard]

Yeah.

[Chris Whittingham]

And so I feel like you want to give it a real go.

[Russell Howard]

I think Forest could really struggle next year. Like okay, that's my. That's my interesting wild kind of. I think Forest could get relegated next year.

[Chris Whittingham]

Wow.

[Russell Howard]

I think they're going to get raided as well. And I think if they lose a few players they're in real trouble and I don't think Chris Wood will ever have a season like that. So that's my kind of crazy. It could happen. It could happen that Forest get relegated next year.

[Chris Whittingham]

So just to get my predictions on the record, I'll go for City to win the league. I'll go for Liverpool to finish second, Arsenal to finish third and yeah, I guess I'll go boring and pick Chelsea to finish fourth. I just, I'm kind of wondering what that leap is going to look like for Chelsea when it eventually happens, but I don't think it's coming.

[Russell Howard]

Striker and two center backs. Yeah, that's what they need. They need. And a keeper. They, they need a proper keeper, I think.

[Chris Whittingham]

Bonus prediction. I think Barcelona win the Champions League next season.

[Russell Howard]

Nice. It'll be very interesting to see what Yamal does next year as well.

[Chris Whittingham]

Because I love that team, man, I love that team well.

[Russell Howard]

But again, but it feels like they're in the. The beginnings of where PSG have got to, you know, and obviously, I mean.

[Chris Whittingham]

And obviously Inter deserved to be there, but there definitely was a frustration.

[Russell Howard]

It would have been good, wouldn't it?

[Chris Whittingham]

It would have been great. And there was just a frustration from my part that Barcelona weren't there because it just like they would have attacked them, they would have scored goals, like maybe PSG blow them away too. But at the very least, like Barcelona are scoring two no matter what. So, so it just, I really, I really was bummed out. But Russell, it has been a terrific season. Yes, that is it for us here for this season of Goalless. It has been a pleasure to work with you, sir. We've had the best time making this show for all of you. We hope to be back with more Goalless after the summer break. Hold on. It's only a few weeks until the start of a new season.

[Russell Howard]

It certainly is. As ever, your support means the world to us. So please remember to like, rate and subscribe to Goalless wherever you listen to podcasts and follow us at Goalless the show on Instagram for one final time. Let's do it. Witty. You know what?

[Chris Whittingham]

Goalless is probably sponsored by Paramount plus the home of the UEFA Champions League, the champions.

[Russell Howard]

Chris Whittingham has one foot on the beach. Go and put the other one on him. Goalless is a smartless Media and Meadowlark Media production. The show is hosted by me, Russell Howard and Chris Whittingham, produced by Ethan Schreier and Timothy Fornara with associate producer Mike Malley, edited and engineered by Maxwell Carney with original Music by Troy McCubbin, additional sound design by Devon Tory Bryant. Executive producers are Bimil Kabadia and Julia McInnis. For Smartless Media, the producers are Anne Harris and Bernie Kaminski. Exec producers are Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Richard Cor.