Hour 1: I Just Want Horse

Summary

The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz – Episode: Hour 1: I Just Want Horse

Release Date: May 12, 2025

Introduction

In the inaugural episode of "I Just Want Horse," Dan Le Batard and Stugotz dive deep into a mélange of sports insights, personal anecdotes, and lighthearted banter. From reminiscing about their early days as sports enthusiasts to dissecting modern basketball analytics, the hosts offer a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of contemporary sports culture.

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1. Embracing the Inner Sports Dork

The episode kicks off with Pablo Torre sharing personal stories about his formative years immersed in sports analytics. Reflecting on his childhood, Torre recalls bonding with his non-English-speaking grandfather over baseball statistics, highlighting his early fascination with numbers in sports.

Pablo Torre [01:11]: "It probably goes without saying that I was a spectacular dork as a young boy... Fascinated by numbers and how we do measurements in sports."

This segment underscores the importance of analytics in shaping the modern sports landscape and sets the stage for deeper discussions on how data influences today's games.

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2. FIU Sports and the Panther Preserve Proposition

Transitioning to local sports, the conversation shifts to Florida International University (FIU) and their athletic endeavors. Billy Corben humorously mentions his involvement with the Panther broadcasts, only to reveal that his season has ended as FIU prepares for the Conference USA championship.

Stugotz introduces an unconventional idea to Billy: establishing a Florida panther preserve on the FIU campus.

Stugotz [02:53]: "Do we have any sound from your shenanigans over the weekend?"

Billy Corben [03:05]: "Do you guys think having live Florida panthers on campus is a good idea?"

While the idea is met with skepticism and playful resistance from his co-hosts, it sparks an engaging dialogue about wildlife preservation and campus initiatives.

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3. Atmospheric Rivers and Climate Conversations

The hosts delve into environmental topics, specifically the concept of atmospheric rivers and their implications for South Florida.

Stugotz [04:50]: "Meteorological nerds are delighted at what's happening down here in South Florida right now."

The discussion evolves into a broader conversation about climate change, with debates on its authenticity and impact.

Billy Corben [05:24]: "This isn't just regular everyday rain that's going on. This is an occurrence that's never happened before."

The segment highlights the tension between scientific consensus and public perception, injecting humor into a serious subject.

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4. Modern Basketball Analytics and Player Performances

A substantial portion of the episode is dedicated to analyzing the current state of basketball, emphasizing the role of analytics in shaping team strategies.

Pablo Torre expresses fascination with the "chess game" aspect of modern basketball, where precision and three-point shooting dominate.

Pablo Torre [06:07]: "Ridiculously, as my generation of players says, there's a chess game to basketball that is really interesting."

Stugotz critiques the over-reliance on three-point shots, arguing that it diminishes the sport's excitement by focusing too much on numbers rather than individual talent and dramatic moments.

Stugotz [07:44]: "I don't watch basketball for math. I watch basketball for individual matchups and drama."

The conversation transitions to specific players:

• Jayson Tatum: Praised as a top-tier player but critiqued for lacking memorable "killer moments" that define championships.

  Pablo Torre [08:50]: "I was surprised to hear you come in and say today... I want to see Tatum have one of those moments because it was weird to me, Boston with this champion."

• Derrick White: Lauded for his defensive prowess, White is portrayed as a critical but often underrated asset.

  Chris Cody [09:51]: "You know who you're afraid of? Derrick White."

• Anthony Edwards: Discussions highlight his athleticism and potential, comparing his style to legends like Russell Westbrook and Dwayne Wade.

  Pablo Torre [14:07]: "Anthony Edwards is a size that I can't really get my head around how athletic he is."

The hosts debate whether analytics enhance the game or strip it of its traditional charm, ultimately advocating for a balance that preserves the sport's inherent excitement.

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5. Humorous Segments and Role-Playing: "I Just Want Horse"

Injecting humor into the episode, the hosts engage in a playful role-playing segment titled "I Just Want Horse." Here, they simulate a trade negotiation for NBA superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo, personifying him as "Horse."

Roy Bellamy [24:38]: "I just want horse."

Stugotz [25:03]: "Give me KD. Give me one of the game's greatest to wear that uniform and have him in a Heat uniform."

The exaggerated enthusiasm and comical accents add levity to the episode, showcasing the hosts' chemistry and improvisational skills.

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6. The Rocky Season of the Colorado Rockies

Shifting focus to Major League Baseball, the discussion centers on the Colorado Rockies' dismal performance.

Pablo Torre [30:02]: "The Rockies are 6 and 33. This is one of... Nobody can say, what did you do in those series other than be the best player on the fastest."

The hosts dissect the team's historical struggles, managerial decisions, and overall lack of success, painting a grim picture of the franchise's future prospects.

Stugotz [31:23]: "They lost a game. 21 0."

The segment blends statistical analysis with humorous commentary, reflecting the show's signature blend of insight and entertainment.

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7. Ricky's Steven Seagal Singing Sketch

In a creative twist, Pablo Torre ventures into a humorous impersonation of action star Steven Seagal's alleged singing career. The exaggerated portrayal pokes fun at Seagal's persona and his ventures outside of acting.

Pablo Torre [36:43]: "He was furious with someone and he said, talk to my ass."

Stugotz [38:16]: "You don't know that."

The mockery serves as a comedic highlight, showcasing the hosts' ability to entertain through character-driven sketches.

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Conclusion

"I Just Want Horse" successfully blends serious sports analysis with humor and personal anecdotes, offering listeners a multifaceted experience. Dan Le Batard and Stugotz, alongside their co-hosts, navigate through complex topics like sports analytics and climate change while keeping the tone light and engaging. The episode sets a promising precedent for future installments, balancing depth with entertainment.

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Notable Quotes:

• Pablo Torre [01:11]: "It probably goes without saying that I was a spectacular dork as a young boy... Fascinated by numbers and how we do measurements in sports."

• Stugotz [07:44]: "I don't watch basketball for math. I watch basketball for individual matchups and drama."

• Billy Corben [05:24]: "This isn't just regular everyday rain that's going on. This is an occurrence that's never happened before."

• Roy Bellamy [24:38]: "I just want horse."

• Pablo Torre [36:43]: "He was furious with someone and he said, talk to my ass."

These quotes encapsulate the show's blend of humor, personal reflection, and critical analysis, providing listeners with memorable moments that highlight each host's unique voice.

Transcript

[Dan Le Batard]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

[Stugotz]

Now's a good time to remember where Tequila's story truly began. In 1795, Cuervo invented tequila. Cuervo what are you doing here?

[Pablo Torre]

Cuervo? Anytime someone says Cuervo, I show up.

[Stugotz]

Well, I do know that to be true. But even during ad reads like Cuervo, I think he could lay out especially.

[Pablo Torre]

For one of our great partners, Sweet, delicious Cuervo.

[Stugotz]

Since then, Cuervo has stayed true to its roots. The same family, the same land, the same passion.

[Pablo Torre]

Cuervo.

[Stugotz]

So enjoy the tequila that started it all. Cuervo, Cuervo the tequila that invented tequila. Proximo Cuervo.com Please drink responsibly.

[Billy Corben]

Cuervo this is the Dan Levator show with the Stugats podcast.

[Pablo Torre]

It probably goes without saying that I was a spectacular dork as a young boy and one of the places where I connected with my grandfather who did not speak much English is around baseball. And so he would take me to the Omni Mall and we would go get Bill James baseball abstracts because I'd.

[Billy Corben]

Be making this dork situation worse.

[Pablo Torre]

Fascinated by numbers and how we do measurements in sports.

[Mike Ryan]

So leave that out when the girls come over. Right?

[Pablo Torre]

It's again, I started with I was a spectacular dork and then I made it worse. But way to seize on the moment, guys. Didn't leave you that opening at all.

[Stugotz]

Chasing different types of BJ's.

[Pablo Torre]

The Bill James Baseball Abstract is something that taught me to want to read Michael Lewis in all forms, whether he was talking about business or baseball and learn with Moneyball how we do measurements. Yes, I know. Reading terrible.

[Chris Cody]

Not getting better.

[Billy Corben]

This is getting worse.

[Pablo Torre]

Again, dork unpopular all boys school. Too much reading. Yes, I was the worst versions of Pablo Torre didn't fit in anywhere.

[Billy Corben]

Like just he also went to an all boys school. People go to all boys schools weirdos.

[Pablo Torre]

Put it on the poll Ebitage show Are people who go to all boys schools weirdos?

[Stugotz]

I was too busy beeping 80085 hell yeah.

[Pablo Torre]

I mean you say that, but the University of Miami is run by Columbus boys.

[Billy Corben]

Well, they're the dumb Weirdos.

[Mike Ryan]

I don't think it's their choice, those boys, to go to the all. I think the choice is made for them.

[Pablo Torre]

Yes, in my case and in the case of many Latin kids, that choice is made for you.

[Billy Corben]

Grow a pair. Tell your parents. I'm not going to an all boys school.

[Chris Cody]

I did.

[Mike Ryan]

Didn't Billy go to Belen?

[Greg Cody]

Yeah, he did.

[Stugotz]

Yeah. That's a joke.

[Pablo Torre]

Billy, do you have.

[Stugotz]

But they hate Columbus.

[Pablo Torre]

Do you have any FIU sound from the weekend as you are conquering fiu. Returning to conquer FIU Sports, do we have any sound from your shenanigans over the weekend?

[Billy Corben]

I was told we'll have it so. Unfortunately, my escapades as a Panther broadcast are done for this season because the homestands are done. And now FIU travels on to see if they're gonna go on a run here in the Conference USA championship tournament. They have to take care of business with him.

[Pablo Torre]

Sam Houston, what were the stories? Because juju was insisting that I ask you about these stories. He wouldn't tell me himself what it is that you did this weekend with fiu, but he was saying that I needed to ask you about it because it was good and it was funny and I don't know what you did.

[Billy Corben]

Oh, I thought you were an A1 listener to my broadcast. And. Jesus, what a way to find out. Day after Mother's Day. Not a nice day to find out. But anywho, nothing. No stories I have. I don't know if Ron McGill's on this Week or next week, but I do have a movement that I've been trying to start, which is to get a panther preserve on the FIU campus right behind the white right field wall, which a lot of people are telling me is not a good idea to have live Florida panthers. But why is that?

[Pablo Torre]

I mean. Well, are you saying because it's the Everglades and it's swampy and you can have an area that there's a lot.

[Billy Corben]

A lush, like panthers preserved. There's like a lush area there.

[Stugotz]

Activity.

[Pablo Torre]

It's. It's still cages.

[Billy Corben]

I gotta. I gotta tell you something. I've seen where they keep the panthers at the zoo. This would be night and day.

[Stugotz]

Yeah, but that's also not pretending to be a preserve.

[Billy Corben]

What do you mean? Well, they have a preserve on campus. They just don't have any panthers. I'd like to give them room to roam, if possible. I'm trying. Do you guys not. I'm sorry. We will talk aid.

[Pablo Torre]

Endangered species.

[Chris Cody]

Don't people Jog around that preserve.

[Pablo Torre]

We don't.

[Stugotz]

No one cares about it.

[Pablo Torre]

Sounds like an Adam McKay skit, a funny or die skit. You know, let's put a preserve out there and all of a sudden, pit bulls being mauled by a wild animal.

[Billy Corben]

I thought about Adam McKay today, Dan, because m telling me about some rain, something atmospheric river. Yeah, he's all about this. Atmospheric river.

[Stugotz]

Meteorological nerds are delighted at what's happening down here in South Florida right now. It's something that's pretty uncommon for those that live on the Southeast.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, sounds made up.

[Stugotz]

Atmospheric river.

[Billy Corben]

You're the problem.

[Pablo Torre]

Are you a climate denier?

[Billy Corben]

You're the problem.

[Mike Ryan]

No, but I mean, atmospheric river sounds like baloney.

[Stugotz]

You're right, it does sound like baloney. It's something that you would just kind of laugh at, people from all over.

[Chris Cody]

The river's up there in the atmosphere.

[Stugotz]

It's just a rain, but no, it's actually higher in the stratosphere where the storm storms and it's a constant flow of water.

[Mike Ryan]

So a river in the sky is what you're trying to sell.

[Chris Cody]

Exactly.

[Stugotz]

That's right.

[Billy Corben]

This isn't just regular everyday rain that's going on. This is an occurrence that's never happened before. Mike is telling me. Usually happens on the West Coast. You know what? Show me your carbon footprint, the two of you, because you're the problem right now. Denying that this is happening and denying that your actions are causing it.

[Stugotz]

People were asking me, how did this whole thing start with the atmospheric river? I'm like, I don't know. Climate change. So I mean, we gotta look inward, folks.

[Billy Corben]

Yeah, starts with us.

[Stugotz]

I don't think we're gonna die from an atmospheric river.

[Chris Cody]

We all are gonna die, by the way.

[Stugotz]

Yeah, we are. It won't be the atmospheric river, but.

[Billy Corben]

Imagine an atmospheric river and the oceans rising. I mean, you're getting hit from both sides.

[Stugotz]

I don't think it'll ever reach those heights.

[Pablo Torre]

It's funny to laugh about right up until it's happening to you.

[Stugotz]

I would think that of all the things that could possibly kill us right now, atmospheric river is very low on the list.

[Pablo Torre]

Yeah, I know, but I remember when we reacted to fire tornadoes this way. What does that mean? An atmospheric river? What does that mean? A fire tornado. What's what?

[Stugotz]

Sounds scary.

[Billy Corben]

Hurricane season is right around the corner, friends.

[Pablo Torre]

It's coming.

[Billy Corben]

Also, carbon monoxide, the silent killer.

[Pablo Torre]

Earlier than ever, hurricane season will arrive, I'm sure, like it did last year, earlier than ever. But what I was saying about the d' Antonis and the changing of the sport and where I was a dork. I don't know if the rest of you feel this way about it, but it really has been interesting to watch. Ridiculously, as my generation of players says, you know, there's a chess game to basketball that is really interesting. If you love that these aren't just guys running around out there, that this is Cirque du Soleil of these guys are doing drills all day so that they can be super precise to get an open 16 footer, if you like that, and then just watch a machine take it out to the fringes. Because it started with James Harden, but he couldn't close. He would have been. They were better at it than Durant and Curry and Thompson because they gamed. And so what I'm asking you guys is, don't you find that part interesting? Because I'm endlessly fascinated by it.

[Stugotz]

I did. I found it interesting when it was happening, and I found it interesting as teams tried to be better at it than one another. Now the team that's worst at it is better than the team that was best at it a decade ago. And it's not unlike what happened with baseball, which is like, yes, they cracked the code, they broke the sport. Everybody started doing this, and then baseball realized we, we gotta do something about this because it makes a sport less interesting. I don't watch basketball for math. I watch basketball for individual matchups and drama.

[Mike Ryan]

It was super interesting in baseball, and it still is in baseball, but then it became, all right, it's either home runs or strikeouts, and like, yeah, that's not so interesting.

[Pablo Torre]

Okay, but they fix that too, right? It's always got to change. We got to change for the attention spans. We can talk, man. We've been talking for two seasons. Are they harming the sport? Nah. If the games are good and you get to watch Lions feed on Jokic. Nah, you remember that stuff when you. When it'll give you moments all over the place. And Indiana's going to challenge that team. And I'd just be curious. I'd like Tatum to have one of those moments because it was weird to me, Boston with this champion. Because we all kind of know this thing about it that, oh, that was easy. And now Boston gets to swagger around as they're entitled to title town because they're Boston. And it's like, yeah, but your beautiful, languid Ferrari of a star. I will say it again. Third best player in the league, empirically, probably the close to it. If you don't believe it. Whatever. Like, great player. Undisputedly not saying that he's not, but I haven't actually seen him kill his Prey. James Harden. 50 points. Semifinals, game seven. That ain't. That's not where championships are won. Like, I understand. I understand that he's great and he's better than James Harden, and he did score 50 in a game seven and not taking it away from him. But also, he doesn't have a lot of killer moments that any of us remember.

[Stugotz]

Nope.

[Pablo Torre]

Nope.

[Stugotz]

He's also had a lot of opportunities in the playoffs to do this. Like, yeah, it would stand a reason that he. He'd get a good Game seven. He's played in an abnormal amount of them for someone so young in his career.

[Mike Ryan]

When you go into the big playoff game, you're the fan of the other team. Are you afraid of Jason Tatum?

[Stugotz]

No. No. I want him shooting.

[Chris Cody]

You know who you're afraid of? Derrick White.

[Stugotz]

Yes. Very scared of Derek. Terrified of Derek White.

[Pablo Torre]

Okay, wait. I wouldn't go that far. I would not go that far. I am still scared of Jason Tatum. He can always get his 40 efficiently. I don't. If they ran it through Derrick White. Derrick White would not be doing what Tatum is. Don't do. Don't do that.

[Stugotz]

Derek White was their second best player in those NBA Finals.

[Mike Ryan]

Derrick White. Derek White has a moment.

[Stugotz]

You remember Derrick White? Yeah. Derrick White kicks our ass. The putback. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not worried about Jason Tatum.

[Mike Ryan]

I was catatonic after that.

[Pablo Torre]

You guys are insulting Jayson Tatum by saying Derrick White might be better than him. Come on.

[Stugotz]

I think he's more important to their success, and I think it's pretty irrefutable. Who turned their fortunes around, and it wasn't Jason Tatum. Look, man, I'm just saying what you're saying. You're saying he's got to show you something. I'm like, I'm right there with you, pal.

[Pablo Torre]

It's. I'm not even saying that he's got to show me something. I'm simply pointing out to everybody, hey, you know this thing here, right, that makes this feel a note off even though it's a champion. Because this is the thing we were saying last week. Doc Rivers, forevermore in that city, is a champion. That's not how he's going to be remembered. Like, you have to have the moments to be remembered. That's. That's how it works. It can't be. You just run through people and no One can say, what did you do in those series other than be the best player on the fastest. You drove the fastest car. Well.

[Mike Ryan]

And going back to the math, this also is what hurts Jayson Tatum with the moments. Because no matter how good you think the Boston Celtics are, if they make threes, they win. If they miss threes, they lose.

[Pablo Torre]

Except against okc. I'd like to see it, like, I'd like to see what that looks like. Because I think when we talk about what's Boston going to do, these things are so cutthroat, man. Competition is crazy. The next team's always out there building a better thing. And OKC was ahead of Angel. No, we'll collect the draft picks. We'll collect everybody. They lock them up long term and not let them leave for seven years and see how that goes. If we get some people that aren't Harden and Durant because everyone's fallen in love with not the draft picks.

[Mike Ryan]

Do they have a chance tonight, Oklahoma City, like, with all the picks, do they have a chance that it could land on number one and they get to keep it? Are they in that game?

[Pablo Torre]

They have so many. They have so many picks and they are so young and they are hungry and they are fun.

[Chris Cody]

They do not have an option for this lottery, this go around.

[Pablo Torre]

And they are a team that could absolutely be bought, beat Boston by. By saying, do you know how good our perimeter defensive historic. Are you aware of how good we are at defense and Pritchard, you want to keep shooting from out there? Okay, I see you shooting 40, 43% all season. Has to be the most beloved Celtic there's been since Larry Bird. Has to be.

[Stugotz]

He's a good player. He scares me. He is a good player. He would scare me.

[Pablo Torre]

He's a great player.

[Stugotz]

Yeah, he's a good player.

[Chris Cody]

You can. You can argue that if both Oklahoma City and Boston make it to the NBA Finals, that would be the toughest test in two seasons for Oklahoma, for Boston in the playoffs.

[Mike Ryan]

Is that what the NBA wants? Boston, Oklahoma City, for sure. Is that the matchup for sure?

[Stugotz]

You think so?

[Chris Cody]

For sure. Sga. The. The young core of the Thunder going against the Celtics, trying to go for a repeat like that's what the NBA wants. The thing is you.

[Stugotz]

They want Golden State. They want that. That Bay Area.

[Chris Cody]

No way. Go, go. Golden State's dead in the water.

[Stugotz]

They want. They. The NBA wants San Francisco, Oakland as a TV market in there ahead of TV market.

[Pablo Torre]

Okay. You want the team that's always been there, like Golden State. And the remnants of Steph you absolutely want there. But what. Look, we can talk about that series in a second because I'd like to see Edwards take it from Steph. I'd like to watch that. I don't want Steph on the sidelines making Jimmy Butler's warriors look like Jimmy Butler's Heat. Like this.

[Stugotz]

Very similar.

[Pablo Torre]

Now, offense is going to be very hard to come by if you don't have a guy riding around on a magic carpet out there like shooting from everywhere.

[Billy Corben]

33333.

[Pablo Torre]

No, but so the whole thing is asinine. Right?

[Stugotz]

It's gotta be an interesting experience for Jimmy too, right? Because he is also understanding. Like, oh man, the best player being out sucks. Sucks. I'm the best player again. What? That was a lot to go through to just be the best player again and have to do everything. This is hard.

[Mike Ryan]

And then the other guy always quits when Steph isn't playing in the game. He gets thrown out or he picks up too many fouls.

[Stugotz]

Haters paradise. If they get.

[Pablo Torre]

Can I. Guys, I feel like this part is so confusing to me because I've been watching sports for a long time and generally speaking, when a Dwayne Wade bursts on the scene, you see it and you feel it. Anthony Edwards is a size that I can't really get my head around how athletic he is. Like I, he. He is 6 foot 3 and somehow in, in not the realm of Russell Westbrook, who you can tell has more fast twitch muscle fiber than every everyone else. Anthony Edwards athleticism. To me, zaz is confusing because I'm not used to seeing a 63 player play like that. Like maybe, maybe Wade. But he seems like he's more athletic than Wade.

[Mike Ryan]

Oh, he's stronger. Stronger.

[Pablo Torre]

But, but I'm just talking about the leap. I'm talking, I'm talking about his jump feels different than other people jumping.

[Mike Ryan]

I don't know that I agree with the Wade. Definitely stronger, bigger than Wade was. But man, like Wade's first seven, pretty explosive.

[Pablo Torre]

Explosive.

[Chris Cody]

But it didn't look like Anthony Edwards.

[Mike Ryan]

I think that's because of, of, of his physique. I think it's because he is bigger than Wade.

[Chris Cody]

You think it's a muscular thing?

[Stugotz]

I think it was more satisfying to watch Wade play the way that he did just because he felt smaller. Yeah, it felt like he was getting higher up in the air because of.

[Chris Cody]

There's some dunks that Anthony Edwards has. You're like, how did he take off from there and do that on a guy who's seven.

[Pablo Torre]

Well, how is he still rising, right? By the way, Denver won game three. Jokic, over 10 from three just won that game.

[Chris Cody]

Exhausted, tired.

[Stugotz]

Just once again.

[Chris Cody]

Three years of just trying to. Jamal Murray.

[Stugotz]

Gordon.

[Pablo Torre]

Derek Gordon. God. Make a shot. Michael Porter Jr. Your shoulder.

[Stugotz]

Come on.

[Pablo Torre]

My shoulders.

[Stugotz]

He's just trying to get to a pension.

[Pablo Torre]

It's such a funny thing for us to watch him like a. Oh, God. Westbrook, Malone. He's a. He's a. He's a plow horse. He's tired. He wants to get back to the nice piece of Serbia where he can watch his horses race. They won't let him stop working. And finally, OKC is like, you know what, Jokic? We'll make you go 8 for 25.

[Roy Bellamy]

And he's like, I just want horse.

[Mike Ryan]

All right, 2 for 18.

[Stugotz]

I just want horse. I just want.

[Pablo Torre]

I got scared because I didn't know whether I was allowed to do his accent or not or whether that would be some sort of.

[Stugotz]

You got to be all in.

[Pablo Torre]

No.

[Chris Cody]

1 confidence, Dan.

[Stugotz]

You got to be all in.

[Pablo Torre]

You know what I didn't know, like.

[Chris Cody]

Dion's yellow suit, just six sort of something.

[Billy Corben]

If you're gonna be racist, you might as well go full racist.

[Pablo Torre]

To be authentic, though, and get his voice close to right. And I felt like I was lapsing into. Into, like, old Dracula territory.

[Stugotz]

It did sound like Dracula.

[Pablo Torre]

So I. You know, and I started leaking confidence on the first syllable. Yeah, not that Dracula, though. That was a funny, confident Dracula. Mine was not confident. Yeah, I was. I was falling apart.

[Billy Corben]

You want to try again?

[Pablo Torre]

No, never again. Never again. It's a very vulnerable thing.

[Stugotz]

It's interesting to watch Jokic miss shots because there's nothing about his process that looks different. It's just like they're either going in or they're not. Like, if. If you just watch that game, you're like, well, of course he missed it. Look at his lackadaisical approach to the game. But he could go 10 for 10 the next time, and it won't look any different.

[Greg Cody]

You know, when you celebrate 50 years of Miller Lite. I had to bring in a Miller Light aficionado, Greg Cody. I mean, no one says Miller Lite like Greg Cody. I think when I think of me and you, I think of us on a golf course. Where else are we at?

[Billy]

I mean, on a cruise ship in my backyard.

[Greg Cody]

At the beach.

[Billy]

At the beach is a good one.

[Greg Cody]

What do we always do? We hear that.

[Billy]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Cody]

And then what do we do?

[Billy]

We toast.

[Greg Cody]

Nice Little clink. The clink. Whether it's the can or the bottle, there's something about the clink of the Miller Light.

[Pablo Torre]

Yeah.

[Billy]

And it's not just how much we love it. It's the whole ritual of it. You know, the popping the top, the sound of that.

[Stugotz]

Yeah.

[Billy]

Yeah, it's great. Love it, love it.

[Greg Cody]

From game nights to parties with friends or a special anniversary, celebrating important occasions means more with the coolest people in your life. Cheers to 50 years of Miller Lite, the great tasting light beer. For people who Love beer since 1975, now's a perfect time to celebrate legendary stories. With friends, family, and a great tasting light beer. It's Miller time. The simple ingredients, that malted barley for rich, balanced toffee note flavors and that iconic golden color.

[Billy]

Yes, it's. It's one. Everything about it is wonderful. I can't think of anything.

[Greg Cody]

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[Billy]

I'm a Miller Light guy.

[Greg Cody]

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[Billy Corben]

I'm just trying to live up to the version of me my dogs think I am. You know what I mean? I mean, Dopey and Izzy, they think I've got it all figured out. Meanwhile, I'm googling, can dogs eat watermelon Midnight? Because I fed them some and now I'm panicked. And guess what?

[Greg Cody]

We're out of food.

[Billy Corben]

Flea, meds, treats, everything. Enter Chewy Lifesaver. Got everything delivered in likely a day. Food, Check. Flea stuff, Check. Toys? They'll ignore in 10 minutes, but I'll keep buying anyway. Yep. Check. Chewy has over a hundred thousand products. Food, meds, toys, fish stuff, bird stuff. I mean, if it's got a tail or sc. Chewy's got it. They've got vet visits, insurance, and all of it. Plus, I'm on auto ship now. I don't have to remember anything. And here's the best part about auto ship. This is one of those months where Dopey and Izzy got a little hungrier in their Tum Tums and food was going quicker than I anticipated. I can go onto auto ship and change the date, and it'll come sooner. Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now, you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to chewy.comdan that's chewy.comdan to save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Chewy.comdan minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details. By the way, dogs can eat watermelon, just not the seeds or the rind. I'm learning.

[Pablo Torre]

Don LeBatard.

[Stugotz]

Kiss me where you bruise me. Chase me on that fleshy part.

[Pablo Torre]

Really? Yeah, really.

[Stugotz]

Taste me on that fleshy part.

[Pablo Torre]

Taste me not. Touch me.

[Stugotz]

Taste me on that fleshy.

[Billy Corben]

Wow.

[Pablo Torre]

Wow. Bruce Stugats. Bruce is.

[Stugotz]

I'm talking about the clitoris. I'm talking about the clitoris. Yes, I am. Now, we're out here riffing, and I'm going to try to find it if I can.

[Pablo Torre]

Wonderful rendition.

[Billy Corben]

This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugats.

[Pablo Torre]

Billy, I was surprised to hear you come in and say today. And you come quoted Bill Parcells. You said as Bill Parcells said. And this is. This is how male this world is.

[Billy Corben]

I don't like how this is being presented already. I'm not sure where we're going. Objection.

[Chris Cody]

Already.

[Billy Corben]

I don't like how this is.

[Stugotz]

Judge, I wrote down. You are what your record. Is that what you said?

[Pablo Torre]

No.

[Stugotz]

Wow. He has another saying.

[Mike Ryan]

Overruled. You may continue.

[Pablo Torre]

Thank you. I appreciate it, Judge.

[Billy Corben]

With Prejudice.

[Pablo Torre]

I need to always. I need. I need some help from you. Judging with prejudice here, Bill Parcells would famously say, don't tell me about the labor. Show me the baby.

[Billy Corben]

Yeah.

[Pablo Torre]

And Billy was quoting Parcells as it related to Pat Riley today.

[Billy Corben]

Yeah. It's not crazy. I mean, we talked about it. Riley, land one of these whales or don't land one of these whales. Stop talking about all this whale hunting that you're doing. Also, you shouldn't be hunting whales. But that's a story for another day. I'm here trying to have preservations, preserves for animals. Riley's out here trying to kill them.

[Pablo Torre]

That's not the way Antetokounmpo is available now. That's the big story in sports. Right. It bangs against even the. Even hockey player. Hockey and basketball aren't in the third round yet. So this bangs against it. And. And it. And it will take over the entirety of the news stream. One of the Giants is available.

[Mike Ryan]

You got to figure Aaron Rodgers makes the decision today. Now, right. Like, he's got to get back in the mix.

[Stugotz]

You know, he's secretly married.

[Billy Corben]

Yeah. But then he takes off the ring.

[Stugotz]

When people find out he's trying to do the thing. And they did, like, a segment on McAfee to try to get the people talking and no one cares.

[Pablo Torre]

Yeah.

[Billy Corben]

Can I ask you as a question, are we at a point with the Heat now that the Giannis news is out that, like, you're disappointed if the Heat do, in fact get Kevin Durant?

[Stugotz]

I'm not ready to be hurt again.

[Chris Cody]

So you're saying. You're saying they don't get Giannis, but they get kd. Am I disappointed?

[Billy Corben]

Yeah. Because you're like, that's not the way.

[Mike Ryan]

Like, what if. Like, if the Heat. Okay, so the heat can have KD today.

[Billy Corben]

Yeah.

[Mike Ryan]

Or you don't, and you have a 50 chance of getting Yanis.

[Billy Corben]

Not 51 in 29, according to.

[Mike Ryan]

Either you get them or you don't. That's 50.

[Billy Corben]

50.

[Stugotz]

I want KD. I want the runaway bride.

[Billy Corben]

Good math.

[Stugotz]

I need. I need. They need to close a couple years late.

[Chris Cody]

Katie.

[Stugotz]

I'd give it. Give it to me. Give me something different.

[Pablo Torre]

What about trading possibly for the Giant from Denver?

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse. I just want horse.

[Stugotz]

You can't afford. You can't afford. You can't afford it.

[Billy Corben]

He's not an option.

[Stugotz]

He's not an option.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse.

[Billy Corben]

I don't think getting KD for the Heat is, like, a bad. I know that people are like, oh, like he's, you know, this isn't the same kd. This is the end of his career. Yeah, but like, he's, he's, he's one of the all time greats in. He's a legendary player that will be, you know, tied to your franchise forever.

[Roy Bellamy]

Like, just one horse.

[Mike Ryan]

Guaranteed KD today, over 50% chance. Getting Giannis.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse.

[Stugotz]

Give me KD. Give me KD. Give me one of the game's greatest to wear that uniform and have him in the. In a Heat uniform. You have Wade, you have LeBron, you have Durant, you have Shaq. I mean, what a legacy.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse.

[Chris Cody]

What assets do you give up, though? Are we keeping Tyler? Are we keeping Bam?

[Mike Ryan]

You're keeping Bam for sure. Yes.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want Horse.

[Billy Corben]

Just him is probably not good enough to win, though, so what difference does it really make?

[Chris Cody]

The ckd.

[Billy Corben]

That's cool. That's the thing. It's like, here's here, Here. Okay, here's. Here's the hypothetical scenario. You get Kevin Durant, you're gonna be maybe a seven seed. That's, that's, that's, that's the option here. Do you take it?

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse.

[Billy Corben]

Do you take one of the all time greats to wear your roster, knowing best case you're a seven seed?

[Mike Ryan]

I'd hold up for Giannis. I'm going 50.

[Billy Corben]

50. Oh, boy.

[Mike Ryan]

I'll go 50. Chance again Giannis. I'm trying to go big here. Everybody knows go big or go home. I'm waiting for Giannis. 50 chance. Giannis.

[Pablo Torre]

Hold it out.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse.

[Stugotz]

What's your offer? Good.

[Pablo Torre]

It's whatever you want.

[Stugotz]

I'll play. I'll play Milwaukee.

[Pablo Torre]

Whatever you want. It's Milwaukee. Anything you want.

[Mike Ryan]

What do I get to keep?

[Pablo Torre]

Anything you want. It's anything you want.

[Stugotz]

It's okay. But I don't think that's good enough for me.

[Pablo Torre]

It might not be. It might not be if I'm Milwaukee.

[Stugotz]

I'm getting a couple calls.

[Chris Cody]

What do you want, Mike? How about that?

[Stugotz]

I want anything. That one.

[Billy Corben]

This is how it's gonna. This is. This is how the conversation gonna start with Pat. Ring.

[Pablo Torre]

Hello?

[Stugotz]

It's bad.

[Billy Corben]

No, no, I'm Pat. No, I'm Pat. I'm Pat. You're Milwaukee.

[Stugotz]

What time is it?

[Billy Corben]

No, no, you're Milwaukee. Jill, did you see this orb? All right, ready?

[Stugotz]

Yep. I'm Minnesota. Yeah, I mean Milwaukee.

[Billy Corben]

You're Milwaukee.

[Roy Bellamy]

One horse.

[Pablo Torre]

I won't sign up. I won't sign off. On this.

[Billy Corben]

You don't even know what we're doing.

[Stugotz]

Hello? Hello.

[Billy Corben]

We'd like to give you Terry Rozier for Giannis at the. Oh.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want Horse.

[Billy Corben]

Where'd Dan go?

[Stugotz]

He won't sign off on it.

[Mike Ryan]

So signing off.

[Greg Cody]

He left.

[Stugotz]

He lost. Yeah. All right. Try again. Just don't leave with Terry Rozier.

[Mike Ryan]

Yo, it's just a first offer, man.

[Stugotz]

Hang on.

[Chris Cody]

It is the first offer. You gotta feel everybody out in Sierra.

[Billy Corben]

Oh, okay.

[Chris Cody]

You don't want Terry Rosiro.

[Pablo Torre]

Okay.

[Roy Bellamy]

Yeah, I just want Horse.

[Stugotz]

Milwaukee Bucks.

[Billy Corben]

Hello. Hey, this is all time great and legend Patrick Riley.

[Mike Ryan]

Oh, that was disrespectful.

[Chris Cody]

Fumbled it, too.

[Mike Ryan]

It would never happen.

[Stugotz]

Okay, I know you crap offers, Pat.

[Mike Ryan]

Because there's no way the Bucks pick up a phone that has a cord.

[Stugotz]

It's the Bucks.

[Chris Cody]

It's Milwaukee. You never know.

[Stugotz]

Don't do landlines anymore.

[Billy Corben]

Hello? You have some unpaid toll fines that you really need to resolve now.

[Stugotz]

Representative. Representative Zero. Representative, Hello.

[Roy Bellamy]

Welcome to I Just Want Horse.

[Stugotz]

It's the Bucks.

[Billy Corben]

What if I could tell you that you could leave today with Alec Burks and Kashad Johnson?

[Stugotz]

You called the Tampa Bay Bucks? I'm sorry.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want Horse.

[Billy Corben]

Interested in Drew Smith. He could be yours today. All it's gonna cost you is Giannis Antetokounmpo. You also have to take Terry. Roz, stop calling.

[Stugotz]

Just. Just stop. Just stop calling. Heyward Highsmith, Daryl Morey. Give me something else.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want.

[Stugotz]

They don't have the Godfather offer that he could offer isn't good enough as other people's Godfather offers a pass. His prime. Bam Adebayo.

[Chris Cody]

Why does he keep doing that? What does he keep doing?

[Pablo Torre]

Pass his prime.

[Stugotz]

You want to bet that Bam Adebayo's best basketball is ahead of him?

[Chris Cody]

He's got some great.

[Mike Ryan]

I would bet you that this is who he is.

[Stugotz]

Okay, not good enough.

[Mike Ryan]

Okay, but that's not Pastor Prime.

[Stugotz]

No. Yeah, it is. He was viewed as an ascending talent, and now he's viewed as a finisher.

[Chris Cody]

He's 27.

[Stugotz]

Didn't he take a step back this year? So, like now. Now you're offering me a bam at a bio that is a. Like a depreciating asset.

[Mike Ryan]

I don't agree.

[Chris Cody]

He's appreciating.

[Stugotz]

You think he's an appreciating asset?

[Mike Ryan]

You're a player in your prime. You don't have to continue on the ascent if you're in your prime.

[Stugotz]

Bad year.

[Mike Ryan]

This is who you are.

[Stugotz]

He had a bad year. For him.

[Mike Ryan]

Giannis is still in his prime for sure.

[Pablo Torre]

But you're being ma. Disrespectful of a really good player.

[Stugotz]

I'm not saying. Look, he has been a good player. I see a depreciating asset that you're. You're out the gates.

[Pablo Torre]

It's not yet. It's not negotiating, Dan.

[Chris Cody]

That's what it is.

[Pablo Torre]

The sport uses up your body. Not so young. It's not allowed that Giannis is allowed to be in his prime with that mileage. And Bam is spent at 27 with that mileage.

[Mike Ryan]

Like, you don't think Giannis is still getting better, do you?

[Stugotz]

He just had his best here. Okay, but.

[Mike Ryan]

But this is who he is.

[Stugotz]

I'm sorry. I'm the. I'm the GM for the Bucks, baby. You got to convince me.

[Chris Cody]

He's negotiating. That's why he keeps calling him depreciating ass.

[Stugotz]

Have you met my friend Bump?

[Billy Corben]

Davion? Mitchell's off the table.

[Stugotz]

You're on the phone with Art right now.

[Pablo Torre]

Art?

[Stugotz]

Odile, you're losing. I'm taking your lunch money.

[Pablo Torre]

Aod so this is the big story in sports today. And I will tell you that what should be the big story in sports is how terrible the Colorado Rockies are.

[Stugotz]

Dude, they lost a game. 21 0.

[Pablo Torre]

Well, hold on. It's not the worst of it. Do you guys remember when I told you last year that the Chicago White Sox were the single worst team in baseball I'd ever seen? And then by the end of the season, they were the worst team in the history of baseball? That team started 11 and 28. The Rockies are 6 and 33. The Rockies are 6 and 33. This is one of. Keep in mind what we're watching. The Detroit Lions no longer are a laughing stock. The LA Clippers no longer are a laughing stock. The Colorado Rockies have existed 30 years. They've won zero division titles. They've got 10 total playoff wins. They've had 21 losing seasons. And this season they're minus 134 already in runs. Like 21. Nothing's not that uncommon for them.

[Stugotz]

Like, are you counting the 21 0?

[Pablo Torre]

I'm joking about 21. Not beat 21. Nothing is uncommon. But this is a. What you're watching is not a Major League Baseball team. It's not in any way a Major League Baseball team. Major League Baseball teams play close games. They are just getting slaughtered.

[Mike Ryan]

I was on ESPN yesterday.

[Stugotz]

We.

[Mike Ryan]

I can't tell you. Last time I talked Major League Baseball on espn, we're in the middle of a basketball conversation. And we have the chat going on when I get to communicate with the producers. And just literally out of nowhere. Cause I saw it for the first time. I swear I put in the chat. The Rockies are 6 and 33. What is that? Just left it at that.

[Billy Corben]

I have good news for everybody here. They won yesterday. So they're now 7 and 33. And they run differential, boom, skyrocketed to minus 128. Big game yesterday.

[Pablo Torre]

What's the second worst team in the league? Run differential this early in the season.

[Billy Corben]

It should be the same.

[Stugotz]

Did you know that Bud Black was our manager? Moreover, did you know that it's been Bud Black since 2017?

[Pablo Torre]

He was fired immediately after 21. Nothing. Honestly. Once they tumbled into the teens, they should have gone out onto the field and fired.

[Stugotz]

Like he had crazy jobs to come with me, but he under his.

[Billy Corben]

Did you see he was peeking around there? He's peeking around there.

[Stugotz]

Tell me it's Clint Hurdle again.

[Billy Corben]

He's. He's peeking around there. They brought him in for some sort of consultant thing, and then they got rid of Bud Black and then they moved, you know, their third base coach is now the manager, and boom. Guess who's the new bench coach.

[Stugotz]

That's great.

[Billy Corben]

Hurdle. I think I. I think I could be wrong here. I think we may have a situation where a team fires a manager twice in a season.

[Stugotz]

No, you got to give Hurdle the opportunity to catch Bud Black.

[Billy Corben]

That's what I'm saying. You fire him twice so you make clean Hurdle the manager again. I don't know.

[Pablo Torre]

Has what never happened that a team.

[Mike Ryan]

Fires a manager or a coach twice?

[Pablo Torre]

I mean, Billy Martin was fired.

[Billy Corben]

No, no. I'm saying two managers in the same.

[Stugotz]

Season in the same season be amazing.

[Pablo Torre]

I want to explore something with you guys because I have just asked Chris Cody to find me the looks like for Clint Hurdle, one of the great and famous looks like characters in the history of our show. I believe that Clint Hurdle would be. Adam Silver is obviously Mount Rushmore in our looks like game. But Clint Hurdle had sort of a bloated, orange baseball way about him that was super leathery and connotes our favorite time in baseball when Clint Hurdle can go from being a hustling, gritty player to being a bite your face off manager. And the sport can turn him orange along the way. Tell me I'm wrong, Roy.

[Stugotz]

No, you're not wrong.

[Pablo Torre]

So Chris Cody is looking for this right now, but I want to go back to Dan d' Antoni Because I've wandered far astray here. Chris, stop for a moment. You didn't find it quite fast enough. So let's go to Dan d' Antoni saying from his brother Mike's perch of this is how we should change the game. But we coaches were kind of idiots.

[Stugotz]

I know you guys take a lot of threes. Did you feel like there maybe wasn't quite enough working the ball into the paint early on?

[Jon Gruden]

You're old school, aren't you? You know what do you watch the NBA ever? Will you see those top three teams, Golden State, do they work it in this. Hey, my brother Houston, biggest turnaround, do they work it in. Listen, that game, my opinion obviously gone. You go get any computer and run what the best shots are, they'll tell you a post ups worth shot in basketball. So if you want to run down, try to get it in there to shoot over somebody, then you're beating analytics. The best shot in basketball is that corner three. Next best shot in basketball is in any other three. That's. No, that's, that's. You go good. You go get in the read them out. Other than free throws, which we try to do, get to the foul line. Because you score 1.5 points every time you go the foul line in the pros and they just trickle down. It's the same thing for college kids.

[Stugotz]

Were you able to sort of lull them into.

[Jon Gruden]

I haven't finished my dang on analytics store. You got to go to bed or something. You're going out. But you, you score layups. If you can get to a layup and it's, it's clean. It's not one that's highly contested. It's 1.8, it's 1.3 from that corner, 1.27. You know what a post up is over top a guy standing like this. So you run your team down there and we'll see how long you stay with teams that can play the other way.

[Stugotz]

I found one head coach in the history of pro sports that got fired by the same team twice in one year, Jon Gruden. But not that Jon Gruden. A Jon Gruden from junior hockey. That's right. Yeah. There was a Jon Gruden of the ohl, the Ontario Hockey League. And he was fired twice as head coach by the Flint Freebirds in the 2015-16 season.

[Mike Ryan]

So he had to have been fired the first time. And they were like, ah, it was a mistake.

[Stugotz]

There was a conflict with the owner and then they brought him back. Mistake. And then he got fired. For real? For reals.

[Mike Ryan]

So mistake. Wasn't a mistake.

[Pablo Torre]

Earlier in the show, I mentioned the Omni Mall. It's been closed for 25 years. There are any number of things that make me feel old these days. One of the things that makes me feel old is when I'm referencing a bit that Chris Cody doesn't remember that Zaslo would remember, but Chris Cody doesn't remember because to use remember how much fun we had delighting in action star Steven Seagal's singing career?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pablo Torre]

Okay. Do you remember any of the names of any of his hit songs off the top of your head? It's not the easiest stuff. Well, this is one of them.

[Jon Gruden]

Talk to my ass.

[Pablo Torre]

He was furious with someone and he said, talk to my ass. Now, here's this. Be ready of Steven Seagal in Russia. And when you mentioned Bud Black, I was thinking, look at how his face is painted in order to keep up the old Steven Seagal image. Put that up there now. Of being a pioneering action hero. He's got the Don Nelson belly that he's trying to conceal with the blousy clothes. That's a signature move of mine. And his entire head seems to be painted and his goatee seems to be painted as he makes his way to Russia and zig while others are zagging Man Bunny. I'm going to go see Putin.

[Billy Corben]

I'm not certain. Could this be a Boris Sanchez studio lighting thing with him?

[Pablo Torre]

I would feel terrible if that were the case.

[Mike Ryan]

He was like, the top action star.

[Pablo Torre]

Now It's Liam Neeson, 70 years old. We do action stars poorly in this country, except for Tom Cruise, also 70 years old, man.

[Mike Ryan]

You know about Under Siege? Good movie.

[Pablo Torre]

Look at Seagal right there. Look at him. Mike Ryan, I want an investigation here. What is painted and what is not painted on. On Steven Seagal in Russ. Want Mike Ryan to do his investigation. And tell me what do you believe that this is Steven Seagal's real hair and the real color of his goatee?

[Stugotz]

Yeah, that's legit, man. He's doing things the right way. Wow, that man is bloated.

[Billy Corben]

Right?

[Stugotz]

He is. Tell me I'm wrong.

[Chris Cody]

Could have a medical situation.

[Stugotz]

You don't know that.

[Billy Corben]

Exactly. Right. This is just wild. Roy comes out, he says, guess what? I was not a member of the media after all. I was a fan just getting free tickets. And now he's just taking.

[Stugotz]

Free tickets, my ass. I'm credentialed. What are you talking about?

[Chris Cody]

Free tickets? Free tickets.

[Pablo Torre]

Well, you are biased, though. And you know what? I gotta. You know what he got penalty, two minutes.

[Billy Corben]

Come on.

[Pablo Torre]

You're not a real journalist. You're not a real journalist. You're biased. You've been rooting for the Panthers. You're like, I have a credential. Well, it's. It's tainted by your lack of objectivity.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm a real journalist.

[Pablo Torre]

Thank you, Zaslow. Roy may one day have his name on the press box because he's been a long time credentialed, as he's mentioned media member of the Florida Panthers. One of the longest credentialed, I might.

[Billy Corben]

Add, my end today.

[Pablo Torre]

But clearly biased, like we. You guys caught him. That was cold and dirty. You caught him in the second round of the playoffs. He's been shitting himself all weekend. Billy, you weren't paying attention to the. To the Panthers, and you caught him off guard and you got him to.

[Billy Corben]

Admit something called journalism, friend. Want to try it on for size?

[Pablo Torre]

I would like Pablo Torre, too. Did he get too busy? I was told he was going to be here in moments, and he might.

[Stugotz]

Actually have been too busy.

[Pablo Torre]

This is probably because he's winning too many p? Bottas. He's winning too many people.

[Billy Corben]

He's being nominated.

[Greg Cody]

He got delayed. He will be here at 11:15.

[Stugotz]

Do you think he's suppressed at all the attention that this is getting?

[Billy Corben]

Like, it's absolutely not.

[Stugotz]

He likes attention, right? But he's like, I do good work. And, you know, like, the. The thing that's like, resonating.

[Mike Ryan]

Is that your oppression?

[Stugotz]

No, I have an impression of Pablo.

[Pablo Torre]

I do good work.

[Chris Cody]

That was good.

[Billy Corben]

Still smiling.

[Stugotz]

Here's the thing.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse that was pitch.

[Chris Cody]

Perfect from the last time, by the way.

[Roy Bellamy]

Just one horse.

[Stugotz]

I couldn't tell if it was your clip.

[Pablo Torre]

Really. You guys didn't. You guys couldn't tell. I did it too accurately. It was too authentic. My limited fake yokage.

[Roy Bellamy]

Just one horse.

[Pablo Torre]

I sound like I'm about to start sobbing.

[Billy Corben]

So does he.

[Pablo Torre]

Well, he'd like to stop carrying them.

[Roy Bellamy]

I just want horse.

[Pablo Torre]

He's looking at Chet Holmgren and he's like, really? I mean, what is this? What is all of this?

[Stugotz]

You know, Lawson, his arms always bleeding is. His nose is always running.

[Billy Corben]

Really?

[Stugotz]

Yeah. He's constantly doing, like, blowing his nose. It's kind of gross watching him.

[Pablo Torre]

He's tired.

[Billy Corben]

Do you think he'd rock? Like, he could rock a pony to sleep, right? Like, very easily. If you wanted to. Like a baby cradle it. A newborn. Yeah.

[Pablo Torre]

Does Clint Hurdle look like the dead body hanging outside of a town with no name, with a sign attached to him that reads, no visitors?

[Stugotz]

Does look like that. He does.

[Pablo Torre]

Does Clint. Does Clint Hurdle look like a high school football coach named honeycutt, who, after 10 losing seasons, coaches a group of misfits into the championship game only to lose on the last play?

[Stugotz]

Does look like a coach named Honeycutt?

[Pablo Torre]

Does he look like a tin of pine tar that has come to life?

[Stugotz]

I could see that. Like, via Pixar. I can see that.

[Pablo Torre]

Does he look like the guy at a golf outing wearing a mock turtleneck, who cracks open a beer on the first tee, slurps the froth and exclaims, it's five o' clock somewhere, just after he makes final adjustments to his tennis elbow? Brace you one.

[Stugotz]

That looks like 21 0.

[Pablo Torre]

Get me all of the Clint Hurdles. Send our advanced scouts wherever in the universe they have to go to find me more Clint Hurdles. Please get Clint Hurdle back in the game. I can't believe how bad the Rockies are. That's not. I mean, you can make the argument that through 39 games, there has never been in the history of our most historic sport something this rancid.

[Stugotz]

Bud Black has been in our baseball lives for most of our time here on Earth. If I assembled Bud Black look alikes and I lined them against the wall.

[Billy Corben]

I imagine khaki pants, would you be.

[Stugotz]

Able to actually identify the real Bud Black?