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Dan Le Batard
This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugats podcast. So do you guys know how many times the Arizona Cardinals have made the playoffs in their 106season as a franchise? Because I don't expect any of you to know that answer twice. It is 11 playoff appearances in 106 years. Harbaugh had 12 in 18 seasons with the Ravens. So it's a little harder to do than people think. I'm stunned that the guest bookers Heaven deed. I just thought Archuleta is a great name to say. It's a fun name to say. And I didn't think that they'd produce him quite this quickly. But Adam Archuleta is indeed there, ready to give us all the advice we need on how it is to fix the Dolphins. Can you just throw together some. Some cruddy imaging as fast as you can? That introduces this new segment, how to fix the Dolphins.
Greg Cody
Let's fix the Dolphins. Fix the Dolphins. Fix the Dolphins. Fix the Dolph. Fix the Dolphins. Fix the Dolphins. Let's fix the Dolphins. Fix the Dolphins. Fix the Dolphins.
Jeremy Zaslow
Yeah, do it like Aikman.
Dan Le Batard
Aikman alphabetically is before Archuleta, but Archuleta is a broadcaster whose help we need to fix the Dolphins. Former first round pick, obviously a safety in the league for many years and he's the one of the voices in the AFC South, a member of the famous AFC south group chat that Mike Ryan has not been included in. So we are pleased to have him here. How would you. Sir, thank you for being with us. How would you fix the Dolphins?
Adam Archuleta
Well, first you forgot to throw in their connoisseur of really awful backup quarterback play. And I think we're now, we've graduated from the AFC south. Now that Jacksonville is. Is so good. We're now part of the quasi AFC North, AFC east crew. So you got to add that into my introduction.
Dan Le Batard
Okay, I'm sorry. I introduced you poorly. You didn't answer my question at all.
Adam Archuleta
Listen, I mean, the Dolphins, where do you start? I mean, during contract hell, you got to figure out your quarterback situation. Did I mention you were in contract hell? You got to get the GM the head coach on the same page. There's a lot of. Lot of fun stuff that you got to do down. Down in South Florida.
Dan Le Batard
I feel like that's exactly what Aikman is being paid to tell Stephen Ross, 100%.
Mike Ryan
It may sound ridiculous to you, but this is what Troy Aikman probably said. Man, where do you start?
Adam Archuleta
You know it is. And look at. There's a lot of halves and there's a lot of have nots in the NFL. And if you are saddled with a quarterback, a hole at quarterback, and you're saddled with. With salary cap quarterback l then that is a really, really tough place to start. Until you figure that out, then it's going to be an uphill battle for sure.
Mike
Adam, does it bother you that we want you to do for free what Troy Aikman's getting paid A lot of money, likely for.
Adam Archuleta
You know what. In a way it does a little bit. But, you know, I'm gonna understand. You've got to understand where I'm at in, in life. I have a great gig. I've, I've done well in life, but I'm as far as analysts go, I'm not a quarterback. I'm not a, a hall of famer. So I'm kind of like the redheaded stepchild of analysts.
Greg Cody
You look great.
Adam Archuleta
I do a lot of things for a lot less money than the, than the quarterbacks do. So I'm kind of used to it. That's kind of part of my deal. And doing stuff for free, I guess, is kind of my wheelhouse.
Jeremy Zaslow
So, Adam, if you were being paid to advise Steven Ross, are you telling him today, nah, stick with Mike McDaniel. Or are you telling him, go after John Harbaugh?
Dan Le Batard
But you're doing it very poorly, I should say, as an advice giver, when you come in, instead of forcefully telling us what it is he should do, you're saying, well, where do you start? It's a hell of an uphil battle.
Greg Cody
We need confidence.
Dan Le Batard
Yeah. We need you to give it. Tell us what to do.
Mike Ryan
Shoot the gap.
Dan Le Batard
Yeah.
Adam Archuleta
You go, you go after. You go after guys that have done it and you go after program builders and listen, I, you know, on one hand, I, I do, I do like getting some new blood in the building. Guys that are young, the guys have a different creative mind. And you tried that with McDaniel. Look, I like what Liam Cohen has done in Jacksonville, you know, and I like what some of these young guys have to offer.
Jeremy Zaslow
So.
Adam Archuleta
Yes. Is there a fancy what would the new coach have to do in Miami similar to the Doral.
Hee Haw Member
Darling?
Dan Le Batard
Mike, before you get out of here, I know you wanted to talk to Adam for a while because you want to be a part of this group chat. Yeah.
Mike Ryan
Adam, I'm hopping on a bird right now to your old stomping grounds for the Fiesta Bowl. But I was so excited to hear your name pop up because spiro Deedes made me a promise and I take someone's word very seriously. In his last appearance, he promised that I could get added to this AFC south group chat. One of my passions is watching Spearo and Adam on the call of AFC south games and hearing Moly Cox and the Jigs.
Dan Le Batard
The Jigs.
Mike Ryan
Please can you find it in your heart to actually add me to this group chat? I love the AFC south boys.
Adam Archuleta
I, I, I'm, I'm cool with it. But we didn't, we, we changed the name. Okay.
Mike Ryan
I'll be an AFC east boy.
Adam Archuleta
It's like AFC east. Nor. I think actually we, we changed it just recently the other day to Solid Five Crew or the number. Number one. Fifth crew, I think.
Mike Ryan
So change it to Mo Ali Cox and let me rip that thing.
Adam Archuleta
Yes. What about Spin Cycle Crew?
Mike Ryan
I'm with it.
Dan Le Batard
What?
Mike Ryan
Just all I'm gonna be doing is sending Mo Ali Cox gifs. That's what I bring to the table. I'm a vibes guy.
Dan Le Batard
You're in.
Mike Ryan
All right. Don't you like, make a promise.
Jeremy Zaslow
Congrats.
Mike Ryan
Make a promise.
Adam Archuleta
Give me your.
Heavy Hand
You're in.
Adam Archuleta
You know what? Like, hold on, I gotta, I gotta clear it with a Dee Dee. Just kind of make sure that she's cool with it, you know. But as long as you bring something to the table, you know what I mean? Like you gotta bring, you gotta be able to bring it.
Mike Ryan
I can haha to your jokes with the best of them. Thumbs up.
Heavy Hand
You got.
Adam Archuleta
I need, I need creative sticker. Some creative stickers and some. You know, the new thing is like you got to be really good with some, some great grok image creation and in animation. So if you can, if you can bring that to the table, that is welcome and I'll vouch for you.
Mike Ryan
Oh, dude, you're. This chat is about to level up.
Dan Le Batard
Adam, thank you for being on with us. Appreciate the insight. I feel like we have fixed the dolphins and we have brought an assortment of things to a T. So those are, those are good things. Number. Thank you. Yes. You're going to have to talk to him off air about getting the number. You wanted to say something, Adam?
Adam Archuleta
I just feel like I added zero value to the conversation and zero insight.
Heavy Hand
So it means you did.
Adam Archuleta
As long as, as long as that's cool with you. I mean, that's what you get when you, when you give advice for free and you're not, you're not paid for it.
Heavy Hand
All right.
Dan Le Batard
I feel like that's the same advice the Dolphins are paying For. I don't feel like they're getting any better for their dollar than we're getting for our lack of dollars.
Adam Archuleta
I'm just saying I appreciate contributing to nothing. And anytime you guys want want me to come in, I'm good for it.
Dan Le Batard
Greg, I believe that that would have been a good time to use the telestrator to just draw things on Adam Archuleta's face. Have you forgotten that you have the telestrator?
Jeremy Zaslow
Hang on.
Greg Cody
It's our first day with the telestrator.
Dan Le Batard
Adam. He's gone now.
Jeremy Zaslow
Oh, he's gone. Okay.
Greg Cody
He's still there, Adam. There we go.
Dan Le Batard
Yeah, he's still here now.
Greg Cody
Oh, the arrow through the head. You're going to that mold again.
Dan Le Batard
Okay.
Mike Ryan
Martin.
Dan Le Batard
Steve Martin. Yes. Adam. Thank you for playing along. We do appreciate it. We're going to try and do it every day until the Dolphins get it fixed. Appreciate it.
Adam Archuleta
I can't wait. Thanks, guys. Have a good one.
Heavy Hand
I love that guy.
Greg Cody
Success.
Heavy Hand
Good on American Idol, too.
Dan Le Batard
That was a success. Unlike the Miami Dolphins for the last 25 years.
Mike Ryan
Hey, Jeremy. Happy holidays.
Heavy Hand
Happy Januka.
Mike Ryan
I want to toast you. Actually, I don't. I will toast with you.
Greg Cody
Okay.
Jeremy Zaslow
We're co workers.
Dan Le Batard
Mm.
Heavy Hand
Friends, you could say.
Mike Ryan
No, we cannot say that. But we both enjoy an ice cold Miller Lite.
Heavy Hand
That's true.
Mike Ryan
Especially around the holidays. You know, it's a 50th anniversary of Miller Lite.
Heavy Hand
It's really amazing every time we say that. I can't believe it.
Mike Ryan
Well, it's crazy because, like, they've basically been partners with the Dan Lebatard show for half of their existence. Wow. When I put it to you that way. We got an old ass show.
Heavy Hand
Yeah, we do. That's crazy.
Mike Ryan
Hey, let's look around at our friends, not each other. And our family, even though they're not here. I do miss your brother, though.
Heavy Hand
Yeah, I know.
Mike Ryan
I'll bring him back and take that first sip, look around and know that we made the right decision. When it comes to a domestic light lager, Miller Lite is the best. And it's a holiday season, as we mentioned. Why don't you enjoy that holiday season by drinking a beer that won't weigh you down? The original light beer since 1975, still hidden different 50 years later. Brewed for flavor with simple ingredients like malted barley, rich, balanced toffee notes, and that iconic golden color that you can see from across the room. The best holiday beers are the ones you don't expect. Miller Lite, great taste. 96 calories go to millerlight.com dan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Co. Milwaukee, Wisconsin 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
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Mike Ryan
How about that?
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Heavy Hand
Hello listeners. You know that I live in Miami, which means my idea of quote unquote winter is just putting on a hoodie or a cardigan and acting like I've suffered. But every time that I travel somewhere that's actually cold, I I'm reminded that my wardrobe is completely and utterly unprepared. But that right there is where Quince comes in. I also realize that if I'm going to be on camera for broadcast gigs, I probably shouldn't look like I just grabbed whatever was closest to the door. Quince makes clothes that deliver premium materials, thoughtful design and pieces that hold up season after season after season after season. And particularly with Quince. Their outerwear has been the thing that's especially impressed me. Those down jackets, wool coats, Italian leather, and folks, that cashmere sweater, ridiculously soft, looks great and somehow doesn't cost what you'd expect. Trust me, I am the only one on this show who actually dresses to impress. And Quince is what's now helping me do it. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com dan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q U I n c e.com dan free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com dan.
Dan Le Batard
Dan LeBatard. Football, Football, football, Football, football, football. ST. Football. This is the Dan Levatar show with the st. Can we get, please, something that I saw yesterday that I didn't think could be done by a human being. Can we get Wemby, please? Kicking some basketballs out of a basketball net.
Greg Cody
It felt like AI to me.
Dan Le Batard
@ Le Batard show. Do you believe poll should be. Do you believe a human being can kick the basketball rim? That any human being can kick a basketball rim? Because this is as close as I have ever seen a human being being able to almost.
Greg Cody
Kick. He could definitely kick. And spoiler alert, it's Wemby. Yeah, the audio.
Dan Le Batard
Audience. It's Wemby. And there are four or five basketballs stuck in the netting. And he just, instead of knocking it out with his hands, he jumps up and he knocks it out with his.
Mike
Feet. He's doing it from a standstill. He could definitely kick the rim.
Heavy Hand
And he could have just stood there and hit it unlike just about any other human being. He wouldn't have had to.
Greg Cody
Jump. His foot was like. Like his foot was a foot short, I'd say, of the rim, only.
Heavy Hand
Because it hit the.
Greg Cody
Basketball. That looked like he was getting full extended. I don't know if he could do the.
Mike
Rim. But he wasn't trying to hit the rim. He was only.
Greg Cody
Trying. You're saying a little. Little crow hop or.
Mike
Something. I mean, he's doing a Karate Kid crane kick there. Give him a couple steps to get some.
Dan Le Batard
Momentum. You guys understand the question, though, like, so you. You've now seen it and you have some context. It wasn't very long ago that this was an unknown person in France. Here's Wemby standing next to Shaq, making Shaq look like me and dwarfing Shaquille o' Neal. So big. Yeah. That's the only comment anyone ever makes. No, Jeremy, Jeremy, I'm not kidding you, okay? Any time I've been with Shaq, what ends up happening around Shaq is people walk away from him muttering, he's so.
Greg Cody
Big. He's got to be Tired of.
Dan Le Batard
That. But. But it's also like, how is that not obviously what you came in with as information on Shaquille o' Neal to still be stunned by it? If you watch the Minnesota game.
Greg Cody
Last night, those other players are actually.
Dan Le Batard
Standing. If you saw. If you saw the Minnesota game last night, you saw that Rudy Gobert and the athleticism of the Timberwol defense was a huge problem for everything the Miami Heat were doing. To see Wemby dwarf Rudy Gobert. I would have thought two years ago, if you had asked me and I had no introduction to there's a 7 foot 7 person in France. Is there a human being who can kick a basketball rim? My answer would have been absolutely. Under no circumstances has there ever been a human being who can do that. Wouldn't that have been your.
Jeremy Zaslow
Answer?
Dan Le Batard
Yes. Would anybody, like, Is there any context? Who would be second place on this list of people that you think would come close to being able to kick a.
Mike
Basketball? I mean, take like, take like Yao, for instance. Yao was what, 7 4? There's no way he'd be able to come close to kicking the.
Heavy Hand
Ring. I think maybe someone who is literally doing a full backflip where their entire body was flipped the other way. But the crazy part is it's. Wemby is just kicking one leg in the air, the other. The other leg is near the ground. It's the flexibility that's freaking. This is a 7 foot 6 person who can palm the ground and do the splits. Like, no one is like this. It's the reason, like, he spent time at a monastery in the off season. He is a absolute freak of nature. And mentally, he's that way, too. It's so.
Jeremy Zaslow
Cool. That's.
Mike
Crazy. Look at.
Jeremy Zaslow
Him. Greg, do a.
Dan Le Batard
Split. Go do a.
Greg Cody
Split. Like that is your knee. I know you're getting back into bowling, but could you do that.
Jeremy Zaslow
Split? Yeah. No, not.
Mike
Really. His split is definitely taller than me.
Greg Cody
Right?
Jeremy Zaslow
Yes. By the way, don't kick the rim because what a way to get injured. Your foot gets caught in the.
Greg Cody
Net. Does seem.
Jeremy Zaslow
Reckless. I mean, it's the most dangerous thing I've ever.
Dan Le Batard
Seen. Good point. So Mike Ryan has just fled the facility because he is rushing out to the Fiesta.
Greg Cody
Bowl. Gotta hop on a.
Dan Le Batard
Bird. A place that is haunting for the University of Miami. Put on the pole at Lebatard show, douche or no douche. Guy who calls a plane a bird and says he's gotta hop on a bird when he could just say, I've gotta catch a flight. Flight. And I don't. I. Why do people do.
Greg Cody
That? Sounds.
Heavy Hand
Better.
Dan Le Batard
Mike. Why. Why does Adam Archuleta bring things to a table? Why does everybody bring. Why. Why is it. Why are things being brought to a table when. When people are talking about what other people add to a.
Greg Cody
Community? I'm not going to put it on the floor. I mean, where else am I going to bring.
Mike
Something? I just imagine people sitting around a table having a good time. Hey, how you.
Greg Cody
Doing? Bring it to the counter. It doesn't hit the.
Dan Le Batard
Same. So is it. But is it because you're serving a meal? Is that why things are being brought to a table? Because people are served at a table? And so you're bringing an assortment of wonders to a table. That's the reason that we're doing.
Greg Cody
It. You hate a potluck, dad. You don't like when other people bring food to your.
Jeremy Zaslow
House? Well, as long as they clear it with me first. I don't like the unannounced food.
Dan Le Batard
Delivery. Can I. Can I say something that happened before the show today that I found genuinely shocking, even though I've known Greg Cody for. I'm going to say, 45 years. 40 years I've known Greg Cody even by his behaviors, standards, even by his general entitlement as he's aged. I don't know if you saw this happen because you may have been getting dressed.
Greg Cody
Zaslow. I was.
Dan Le Batard
Watching. No, this was.
Heavy Hand
Stunning.
Dan Le Batard
What? This was stunning to me. How many people saw what I'm about to describe that happened before the show. Roy, were you there? Did you see what happened with Greg Cody before the show? Because I was legitimately shocked by the amount of entitlement in.
Mike Ryan
It. I think I did. Yes, I believe I.
Dan Le Batard
Did. All right, so you'd know if you saw it, because it was. I just. It was stupefying. So Greg Cody has that thermos, and that thermos is filled with coffee. And he dropped it on the floor, and there was a giant puddle at his feet, and he just stood there waiting for someone else else to clean it. Didn't make a move or a gesture as if he had any intention of going to grab anything that would clean the stain that was now spilling at his feet, all around his feet, because it was a lot. It was leaking. He did. He did bend over and stop it from leaking by picking it up. But then nothing else other than wiping a wet foot of his, making it worse on the carpet, making everything worse. He waited for others, never made a move. Why do you do.
Jeremy Zaslow
That? It's the Entitlement of age. You know, when you. When you drop something, you expect your juniors, one of your juniors to come to your.
Mike
Aid. Who in particular would you have said should be the.
Jeremy Zaslow
One? I complimented Jeremy earlier because I don't take these things lightly. In fact, I've included Jeremy in my will because of his kind gesture. Jeremy leapt to the rescue and immediately grabbed a bunch of paper towels and cleaned up my mess. Did I appreciate it? Of course I.
Dan Le Batard
Did. Did he show you.
Heavy Hand
Appreciation? He did. Later on. Not. Not in the moment, but afterward, we were standing in the commissary together, and my fellow hee haw3 member turned to me and said, jeremy, I really appreciate what you did for me. I don't take these things lightly. As he just said, now on the show now would have been nice for a little help, but I do appreciate the.
Dan Le Batard
Appreciation. I. Honest to God, I was confused because I would think that the general shame and embarrassment of being in front of a bunch of people and spilling something would immediately, just as an instinct, make someone try to clean it up just because they were embarrassed. The fact that he does not have this chip and just stood there staring ahead, waiting for a servant, a butler, a janitor, somebody to appear with cleanup equipment without ever having the reflex, the instinctual reflex that I think any human being would have even if they spilled something with no one watching. Like, even if you're just a human being who was by yourself. The fact that he was surrounded by people not only didn't produce the shame that I expected, it produced the entitlement of. Somebody else will do this. I'd have to do it if I were by myself, but because I'm surrounded by people, clearly someone else will handle this for.
Jeremy Zaslow
Me. You hit that on the.
Greg Cody
Head. You do this in the kitchen a lot when you're cooking with Mom. Mom. Because you get. You do this thing where you're in charge of the meal, but you will assign things. Mom, you're in charge of the.
Jeremy Zaslow
Biscuits.
Greg Cody
Yes. If mom puts those biscuits in the oven while she's helping you with all your different things, if you look in, you see those biscuits are done. Erlane, the bis. Like, you won't just grab the biscuits out. You're like, I'm not doing that. That's Earlene's task. I'll just stare at the.
Mike Ryan
Biscuits.
Jeremy Zaslow
Yeah. Because I.
Greg Cody
Have. Even though she's helped you, she stirred your corn a little bit. She checked on your turkey. But when it comes to you helping with the biscuits, it's. Erlene, the.
Heavy Hand
Biscuits. I can't touch.
Greg Cody
These. I assigned them to.
Jeremy Zaslow
You. Did I ask her to test her.
Greg Cody
Michael? But it's all about when you're in the kitchen, we're all cooks helping each other. You could just grab the.
Jeremy Zaslow
Biscuits. Corn, elder. No, I didn't ask her to do that. That kind of.
Dan Le Batard
Thing.
Greg Cody
Yeah. And the other one. What number is that kind of thing gonna be in the top.
Dan Le Batard
50? That's a top.
Greg Cody
Five. That's gotta be top.
Mike Ryan
Five. Don't give it.
Jeremy Zaslow
Away. I don't want to give her anything.
Greg Cody
Away. What was the one, dad, that you added this morning to, like, because we're still adding FR to the.
Dan Le Batard
Mass. What do you mean? That's what.
Heavy Hand
I'm. Trust.
Greg Cody
Me. I'm so annoyed. He started 49 and 50 without having the list.
Dan Le Batard
Completed. Let me give a context to the listeners who might not have an idea what we're talking about. The Greg Cody show, featuring Greg Cody with for the next 25 weeks in a row will unveil two at a time, Greg Cody's signature catchphrases. Starting this week with number 50, Fuller than Verne Fuller. And number 49. Can I hear a click.
Jeremy Zaslow
Click? No. Where's my click click? Where's my click.
Dan Le Batard
Click? Sign.
Jeremy Zaslow
Up. There's my click.
Dan Le Batard
Click. When he wants somebody in the backseat of his car to fasten a seat belt. Forgive me for forgetting that catchphrase that I thought I learned.
Mike
Yesterday. If you don't do the where's my click click is that just like someone who you know you don't.
Mike Ryan
Value.
Jeremy Zaslow
Fine. If they don't.
Greg Cody
Click. You mean if you're not asking. If you're. If you don't care enough about them to say, where's my.
Jeremy Zaslow
Click? Well, I'm not going to do it to an adult. Like, if you're in my back seat, I'm not gonna go, where's my click? I'm gonna assume that you're gonna buckle the belt without.
Dan Le Batard
Being. Oh, so this is a helpful. Like children. This is a kid. Kids. This is children's.
Jeremy Zaslow
Music. It's for.
Dan Le Batard
Toddlers.
Jeremy Zaslow
And. And, you know, he did it.
Greg Cody
In my childhood and he does it to my.
Mike
Daughter. Now, can you imagine an adult's reaction gets in the backseat of his car and he says.
Dan Le Batard
That. Can you imagine any other adult in the world spilling coffee at their feet and expecting a whole bunch of other people to come pick it up? Like, that's the behavior of a.
Heavy Hand
Dictator. A lot of coffee spilled because it was fuller than Vern.
Jeremy Zaslow
Fuller. Thank.
Greg Cody
You. So the two phrases, the Two phrases added to the spreadsheet where Greg can now see where they're going to be in. It's dancing swords and nocturnal.
Jeremy Zaslow
Meanderings. Dancing swords is sneaky. That's a sneaky good.
Greg Cody
Phrase. It's whenever you have to take a.
Jeremy Zaslow
Qk. Yeah.
Greg Cody
Right. QK also in.
Jeremy Zaslow
There. Yeah. Dancing swords. I got to credit a friend of mine for inventing that. The late, great Alan.
Greg Cody
Cherry. A lot of these come from Alan.
Jeremy Zaslow
Cherry. No, I wouldn't say a.
Dan Le Batard
Lot. Can you tell people what a QK is? Because it's a quick crap okay. You need.
Greg Cody
Okay. Throughout my whole life, whenever my dad's got to go potty, he tells my mom, hey, I gotta take a.
Heavy Hand
Qk. So you have dancing swords when you need a.
Greg Cody
Qk. And dancing swords is that feeling in your stomach that it feels like you have swords in your.
Dan Le Batard
Stomach. Oh.
Jeremy Zaslow
Dan. You know, there are QKs without dancing swords, but there's never a dancing sword without a.
Dan Le Batard
Qk. Put that on the poll. I believe that most people listening to this have heard the expression dancing swords. I think that dancing swords is something. Dancing swords is something that people say about the.
Jeremy Zaslow
Stomach. I didn't know.
Dan Le Batard
That. I don't think that that one is unique to you. I don't think I've heard that. Look it up. Look up stomach and dancing swords and see if anything comes up up there. Jeremy. Because I thought that that was a known expression, but it may just be a known expression because I've heard Greg Cody use it since he was QK's in the Herald bathroom many years.
Heavy Hand
Ago. Changed.
Dan Le Batard
Your.
Heavy Hand
Your. Your belief in the American language. Because all that comes up is like belly.
Jeremy Zaslow
Dancing. Yeah, I invented that, actually, my.
Greg Cody
Friend. You said Alan.
Jeremy Zaslow
Did. Alan did. But I inherited that from.
Greg Cody
Him. Did you wait till he passed to start saying.
Sponsor Voice
It?
Jeremy Zaslow
No. I honored him during his time on Earth by incorporating into my.
Mike Ryan
Lexicon. Rest in.
Dan Le Batard
Power. This is what I will tell you guys about Greg's phrase nocturnal meanderings. I was at his 40th birthday party the first time I heard that phrase to refer to sex. He was trying to make sure that everyone that was there understood that he was talking about sex when he mentioned nocturnal nighttime and meanderings. And I spoke next, and I just asked him, you know, people do have sex during the day, right? Like that. It's something that hadn't dawned on him. Like he was already. He was already at the age where he's like, sex is only something that people have at night. It's not something that you do when the lights are on, when there's any light. Sunlight anywhere. When there's any light anywhere in the vicinity, it's only something after a dozen beers that happens. The quiet of the dark under the blankets. Like there cannot be any light wherever it is that there are.
Greg Cody
Meanders. I mean, we all turn the lights off. No, that's just.
Dan Le Batard
Me. All right, close the.
Jeremy Zaslow
Blinds. I mean, there is a song written about me called Morning Man. So it doesn't only happen at night, but I am willing to say nocturnal meandering is a thing. You know, most people associate sex with a nighttime activity. I think think I may be.
Sponsor Voice
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Dan Le Batard
Here.
Sponsor Voice
Smirnoff. Wow, you're on the money with smeared off. Chris, do you know what goes great with Smirnoff? Yes, but I'm really talking about game day fit. The style's gotta match the vibe. All right, here's the.
Jeremy Zaslow
Deal. Game day is.
Sponsor Voice
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Jeremy Zaslow
May. Smear.
Sponsor Voice
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Dan Le Batard
Jacket.
Sponsor Voice
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Dan Le Batard
Up.
Sponsor Voice
Up. And don't forget to grab a bottle of Smirnoff vodka, number 21 at your local retail. Please drink responsibly. Smirnoff, number 21, vodka distilled from grain 40 alcohol by volume. The Smirnoff Company, New York, New York. Please do not share with anybody under legal drinking age. No purchase necessary. Must be legal US resident, 21 or older. Sweepstake starts 12 15, 2025 at 12:00am Eastern and ends 1232026 at 11:59, 59:00pm Eastern. See official rules at program.
Jeremy Zaslow
Website. Don Levatar, Baker Mayfield tearing Up Tampa Bay 38 for.
Dan Le Batard
45. This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugats. When you mentioned morning, you Made me think of something that I thought of during the break. I'm flipping through the channels and I'm pretty mortified. I've talked about this before. The amount of content that is either cult related or specifically murder related right now is crazy to me. Just the sheer, the sheer volume of murder related.
Mike
Content. I don't get those.
Dan Le Batard
Shows. Yeah, well, you don't get them as in you don't understand why people are.
Mike
Watching. Yeah, I don't have interest. I don't like that kind of.
Dan Le Batard
Stuff. Yeah, it's super dark and super strange, but I think it was the Oxygen channel I was flipping through and I was stunned on Christmas Day to see a show that was titled Homicide for the Holidays and then was called Christmas Morning spelled MO U R N I N G. And I'm like, you have to be shitting me. This is just a very strange thing that's happening right now in, in our country where there is so much mass coverage of murder that people are enjoying that people have realized that this is a content entity that obviously profitable. And I don't get it either. Like, I'll occasionally watch the Jinx to see if there's a mystery involved. I know that much of this is mystery based. Like the proliferation of the podcast industry has a ton of this stuff in it where people like following the mystery that leads to murder. And I know that people find murder curious all the time, but there can't be another time in American history that has it as a content source the way that we have it now. Like, there can't be anything close to this in terms of people just paying money or spending this much time watching and listening to things that have to do with.
Mike
Murder. Where did it start? I feel like it was that how to Make a Murderer wasn't.
Heavy Hand
That. It was the serial podcast first, I believe, in terms of the timing. But yeah, making a Murderer, I believe, was the first one that I remember hitting like that on streaming because now it's just access to all this.
Mike
Information. Yeah, like, I remember my wife and my older son were watching the Dahmer, you know, docu drama and I was like, this ain't for me. I don't know why you guys like this.
Jeremy Zaslow
Stuff. Yeah, there's always been a fascination with crime in this country and, and a morbid fascination. And you mentioned Dahmer. Serial killers have groupies. They get mail in prison. You know what I'm saying? Like. Like there are certain people who are just drawn to crime. And. And you mentioned.
Mike
Podcast. Isn't Manson like the Most famous one.
Jeremy Zaslow
Right? Yeah, the. The. Yeah, it's a culture.
Heavy Hand
Thing. So.
Jeremy Zaslow
Weird. Yeah, I mean it's, it's beyond.
Heavy Hand
Weird. But I'm really into the cult stuff and into the serial killer stuff. Just not the random murders. Like the one off murders. They're too sad. The serial killer stuff. I'm just fascinated by the mind. Right. Like I, I find all like Mindhunter, the TV show, canceled way too soon. That was fascinating. All those documentaries about like the, the successful serial.
Mike
Killers. Yeah, but like Mind Hunters. Mindhunter is a show, you know.
Heavy Hand
It'S. Yeah, but it went into the real. But it went into the real serial killers. Like they end up interviewing people who are playing those serial killers. And that's why you have shows where you'll have like O.J. made in America. You'll have the documentary, but then you'll also have the dramatized version because people can't get enough. That's a one off.
Mike
Situation. I don't like stuff that's real.
Heavy Hand
But I find that especially the cult stuff. I don't understand how you don't find that interesting. Manipulation of the.
Dan Le Batard
Mind. I'm interested in the cult stuff. The cult stuff also often has murder in it because.
Heavy Hand
They'Re. That's always the end.
Dan Le Batard
Destination. They're combining the two now. I will awkwardly segue though into some football conversation here that I did want to have with you guys because there are a number of interesting things this weekend to pay attention to. The.
Heavy Hand
Colts. To the.
Dan Le Batard
Colts. Well, if the Colts were in the playoffs, yeah. But they are not, unfortunately, so that doesn't really work. But thank you for the help there. I do appreciate that. And the gunslinger dance that you just did, putting your finger guns in your holster. But the thing that I wanted to ask all of you from the games this weekend, what are the most interesting things to you that are the games themselves, but also other things involved with the games that you are interested in. For example, DK Metcalf came really close. Not just to cash, costing himself $45 million in guarantees, costing Pittsburgh the ability to be in the playoffs and possibly ending Aaron Rodgers career. But more quietly, Denzel Perryman missed two games for the Chargers. The Chargers are playing against the Patriots. I'm super interested in that game for a number of different reasons. The only place I've seen Justin Herbert be truly terrible is in Foxborough against Belichick. Everywhere else he's great, but his offensive line really stinks. It's an offensive line that does not belong in the playoffs. It's the worst of the offensive lines in the playoffs. It's a big ask of Justin Herbert, but Denzel Perriman is returning to action after missing two games. And I wanted you to look up for me, if you don't mind. Jeremy, what was found. The specifics of what was found in Denzel Perriman's car earlier this year when police pulled him over. Because this is a man who is terrifying. Okay. He went to the University of Miami. He is physically violent. He's a great football player. The Chargers are getting him back. He makes. He makes a difference because he's a great deal of fun to watch. But I remember reading about him earlier this season and wondering to myself, under what circumstances or why would you have to have those particular or things in your car driving around? Because I don't. I don't know the specifics of this case. Can you help me with the specifics of. I don't remember whether or not he was actually arrested. I don't think there was a crime involved here. It just made me super curious about what's going on in this person's life, that this is the kind of artillery that this person is driving around.
Heavy Hand
With. Faces. No. He faced no criminal charges, but he was arrested for a felony weapons charge because when he was pulled over for a vehicle code violation, they discovered five firearms in his car, including two assault.
Dan Le Batard
Rifles. So under what circumstances? I remember Hassan Whiteside one time got in trouble down here because they found a gun in his car. That was not a. Not even just a simple handgun. It was. It was a machine.
Mike
Gun. Remember Ryan Tannehill's.
Heavy Hand
Wife?
Mike
Yep. She had, like, a whole arsenal in her.
Dan Le Batard
Trunk. But can you. Is that someone who's just a gun enthusiast who's coming back from the gun range? Like, why would. Why would you need five. Why would you need five guns in your car? And why would two of them need to be assault rifles? Like, what. Under what circumstance do you imagine any of you driving around with that in your car? Because I can understand one. To protect yourself. In fact, there are many athletes who do this because. Told you this story before. Anton Jameson would often, on the way home, circle several times around his home to make sure no one was following him. Because people know that athletes have money, and people know that they can take money from athletes. Although now that no one's carrying cash, I think that you have to actually now.
Greg Cody
Abduct. Send me a.
Dan Le Batard
Venmo. You have to abduct the athlete in order to get what you wanted. But in a previous time, people knew that they could grab the jewelry or grab things of value from the car. So athletes do have to be careful driving.
Greg Cody
Home. But is it like, scan this QR code and send me your money right.
Dan Le Batard
Now. Is that you're.
Greg Cody
Threatening? I'm just saying, like, instead of give me all your money, like I have a QR code that they pull. Pull out your.
Dan Le Batard
Camera. But that's your car jacking voice. That's your threatening.
Greg Cody
Carjacking. Scan this code and send me all your.
Dan Le Batard
Money. Don't tell anyone. Wait a minute. There's Biden in.
Greg Cody
There. Call it a.
Dan Le Batard
Lunch. Why is Joe.
Greg Cody
Biden. Because, you know, you have to put a little thing description of why you're sending it. Say we had a, a, an aggressive lunch and a. A weekend.
Mike Ryan
Retreat. Scan.
Dan Le Batard
It. None of you have an answer to my question as to why you're asking the.
Greg Cody
Wrong. I think you nailed it. A gun range. That's all I.
Mike
Got. Do I have an assault rifle?
Heavy Hand
Period? Growing up, my mom was wary of me going to friends houses that had BB guns. I think you're asking the wrong.
Mike Ryan
Group. You shoot your eye.
Mike
Out. That was. That was a thing in my household too. Going to, Going to an overprotective Jewish.
Dan Le Batard
Mother.
Jeremy Zaslow
Yep. Yeah. I had an air rifle as a kid. That was a lot of fun. It didn't shoot anything but air, but it sounded like a gun going off. That was great. Gun culture is run amok in this country, obviously. That's why people look at the first amendment and they say that means I have to have assault rifles. And athletes are just a slice of Americana. If we're crazy about guns in America, why wouldn't athletes, some of them, be crazy about second.
Heavy Hand
America? Amendment.
Dan Le Batard
Whatever. Well, I think it probably.
Jeremy Zaslow
Matters. Second amendment is right. Yeah. People are crazy about both amendments. You know, you can't yell fire in a, in a, in a.
Mike
Movie. I think people are into all of.
Greg Cody
Them. Can't yell.
Heavy Hand
Fire. Well, not all of.
Dan Le Batard
Them. You.
Jeremy Zaslow
Can'T. Nobody even knows what the other amendments are. Right. It's the first and the second. Get all the.
Mike
Credit. The fifth one's a pretty big.
Jeremy Zaslow
One. The fifth one? Yeah, the fifth.
Mike Ryan
One. 25th.
Greg Cody
One. Lean.
Heavy Hand
Back.
Greg Cody
Disgusting. Take a look it.
Jeremy Zaslow
Off. Oh, no, we're.
Dan Le Batard
Good. You're so good on this subject that I can see where you'd be maximum confident and swaggering about your ability to deftly navigate this particular landscape when you go whatever the difference between the first and second amendment. And then you just say flatly, no one knows any of the.
Greg Cody
Amendments. Dad Jeremy's got them. Why don't you rattle them.
Jeremy Zaslow
Off? What's the fourth.
Greg Cody
Amendment? Oh, you give them to us. Take a.
Dan Le Batard
Guess. Put it on the poll at. What do you think the third is? Does anyone know any of the amendments other than the first, second, and would you say fifth amendment said that? Those are the three that everyone.
Jeremy Zaslow
Knows Fifth Amendment, you know, you don't have to incriminate.
Mike
Yourself. That's the big.
Jeremy Zaslow
Three. Yeah, that's the.
Dan Le Batard
Big. All right. So does.
Jeremy Zaslow
Anyone. All right, the 11th.
Dan Le Batard
Amendment. And then also. And then also put in there at Lebanon. Joe. Do any of you know. Do any of you know four amendments? Do. Does anyone listening to this know.
Greg Cody
Four of the amendments are like a PGA champion. Like the fourth one, that's not really a major, but it should be in.
Heavy Hand
There. I mean, we should all probably know the 13th.
Mike Ryan
Ahead. Yeah, the.
Greg Cody
13Th. I'm.
Heavy Hand
Listening. Slavery, you know, being.
Dan Le Batard
Abolished. I don't think you should go, Roy there. I don't think you need. I mean, who else is going to say.
Mike Ryan
It?
Dan Le Batard
Dan. He just hear me. I'm saying he could have thrown it to you without saying.
Greg Cody
Roy. That's.
Heavy Hand
Fair. You know what.
Dan Le Batard
Coach? He could have just thrown it to heavy hand instead of just saying, Roy, you know all about.
Heavy Hand
Slavery. Just going to power through this one. You know, the third, it restricts the quartering of soldiers in private.
Hee Haw Member
Homes.
Heavy Hand
Homes. It's really crazy.
Jeremy Zaslow
Right? Unnecessary amendment.
Greg Cody
Ridiculous. Number.
Heavy Hand
Four. Number four prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures without a.
Greg Cody
Search. I like that.
Jeremy Zaslow
One. That's okay. But I'm gonna. I'm gonna quarter a soldier in my home if I want.
Heavy Hand
To. Well, no, that. It's the. It's the other way around. A soldier.
Dan Le Batard
Can'T.
Heavy Hand
Nope. A soldier can't just say, hey, I live in your home.
Jeremy Zaslow
Now. Why would.
Mike
He. You're gonna get.
Dan Le Batard
Squatters. Right? And you guys thought this wasn't the room to have the gun conversation with, so we just segued seamlessly into this being the room to have the amendments conversation.
Greg Cody
With. Let's rank the amendment which starts off power ranking. I wrote.
Hee Haw Member
13. Number.
Dan Le Batard
One. Roy. What the 13th amendment.
Mike
Says. We know 13 is not in Greg's big.
Jeremy Zaslow
Three. Oh, dad, you know, I. I don't know.
Greg Cody
Them.
Jeremy Zaslow
I'm. I'm being honest. I. I don't know all the amendments. I don't think many people do. The third amendment was ridiculously arcane. It applies to, like, centuries ago when minute men were wanting to stay in my house. You know, let them go get a motel like everybody else. Right. A minute man trying to knock on my door, can't get up the street. Heck, you got a gun on his shoulder, A bayonet. Gunpowder.
Greg Cody
Gunpowder. Saying war.
Dan Le Batard
Things. The British are.
Jeremy Zaslow
Coming. Yeah, they were.
Dan Le Batard
Baby. Please don't make that gesture anymore. No, it's not stop around here. Just so that you guys who are listening on audio can get a visual representation of what it is that Cody was doing. Doing? He was pantomiming the filling of a musket with gunpowder packing. Packing it in so that a minute man who appears at his door.
Greg Cody
Can be quartered by him, an inefficient.
Dan Le Batard
HJ what are you drawing on the telestrator.
Jeremy Zaslow
Now? It's a.
Greg Cody
Musket. Oh, that's the.
Dan Le Batard
Musket. Bow tie. It looks like a bow.
Greg Cody
Tie. That could be a lot of.
Heavy Hand
Things. It looks like the very.
Greg Cody
End. Why is there liquid coming out of the.
Dan Le Batard
Musket? Wait a minute. That's not a must. Okay, that's not a must. Take away. What is that now? What have you done now? What have you done? You had a musket that looked like a penis that then became. What? What? What were you going for there? What were you going. Why am I asking questions? Let's just watch what he comes up with here. Let's see. Sorry to do this to you, audio audience. It's Mr. Peanut. Yeah, yeah, Mr. Peanut. Yeah, of course it.
Jeremy Zaslow
Is. It's former president Richard.
Heavy Hand
Nixon.
Greg Cody
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Episode: Hour 1: Let's Fix The Dolphins Vol. 1 (feat. Adam Archuleta)
Date: January 7, 2026
Hour 1 focuses on the Miami Dolphins’ ongoing struggles, playfully launching a recurring segment: “Let’s Fix The Dolphins.” The crew brings in former NFL safety and broadcaster Adam Archuleta to get his take—though much of the discussion is marked by the show’s signature blend of irreverence, exasperation, and inside jokes. Beyond the Dolphins, the hour wanders through viral sports moments (Wemby kicking a rim), cult and true crime content obsessions, and an extended riff on American constitutional amendments—creating an episode full of sports, pop culture, and comedic camaraderie.
[00:00–07:18]
Dolphins’ Woes
Adam Archuleta Joins the Fun
AFC South Group Chat
Notable Quotes:
[12:20–14:46]
The crew marvels at viral video of Victor Wembanyama (Wemby) allegedly kicking basketballs out of the net—wondering if any human can kick a basketball rim.
“He could definitely kick the rim… His foot was a foot short, but only because it hit the basketball.” — Greg Cody [14:01]
Wemby compared to giants like Yao and Shaq (“There are four or five basketballs stuck in the netting. Instead of knocking it out with his hands, he jumps up and knocks it out with his feet.” — Dan Le Batard [13:42])
Jeremy and Mike marvel at Wemby’s insane flexibility and athleticism.
“He’s a freak of nature…7-foot-6 who can palm the ground and do the splits.” — Heavy Hand [16:04]
[18:03–21:28]
Notable Moments:
[22:09–26:34]
Weekly segment to unveil Greg Cody’s “Top 50 Catchphrases.”
“Fuller than Vern Fuller” (#50); “Can I hear a click click?” (#49, for seatbelt reminders).
‘Dancing swords’ as a term for intestinal distress: “There are QKs without dancing swords, but there’s never a dancing sword without a QK.” — Heavy Hand [24:46]
Greg debates the originality of “dancing swords” as a phrase, ultimately determining it’s “not a known expression.”
[29:17–32:36]
[32:36–38:06]
Dan pivots to NFL Wild Card weeks—Chargers’ linebacker Denzel Perryman returns, but talk digresses into his infamous car stop, where he had “five firearms in his car, including two assault rifles” ([35:20]).
The guys joke about gun ownership among athletes, and the American tendency toward constitutional literalism.
“Gun culture is run amok in this country, obviously. That’s why people look at the Second Amendment and say that means I have to have assault rifles. And athletes are just a slice of Americana.” — Greg Cody [37:39]
[38:06–42:38]
The episode is classic Le Batard: sports topics as springboard for rollicking, layered riffing; NFL insight meets self-deprecating guest ribbing, and pop culture as a lens for larger, funnier conversations about American life. The new “Let’s Fix The Dolphins” segment launches with more laughs than solutions but promises to be a recurring highlight—while tangents about constitutional rights, group chats, and bodily distress keep the show as unpredictable as ever.
For fans: If you missed it, this episode gives quintessential Le Batard chaos—sports, satire, meta-critique, and the joy of a show that wears its weirdness with pride.