Transcript

Narrator (0:01)

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Tony (0:45)

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Dave (1:00)

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Quaker Oatmeal Advertiser (1:12)

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Dave (1:14)

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Dan LeBatard (1:29)

This is the Dan Levator show with the Stu Guts podcast.

Mike Ryan (1:37)

Jeremy, how did the livestream pitch clock go yesterday?

Jeremy (1:40)

It was a lot of fun. We had a great time. It was me, Chris, Ethan. Then we had a variety of people

Lewis (1:45)

all show up at the same time.

Jon (1:46)

Yeah.

Jeremy (1:46)

Including Mike Ryan. Thank you for stopping by in the midst of absolute chaos on the Zoom.

Summary

The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz

Hour 1: "We Invented Football"

March 27, 2026

Episode Overview

Theme/Purpose:
The crew, broadcasting from the Elser Hotel in Downtown Miami, turns its signature blend of irreverent humor and sharp insight toward the themes of sports streaming frustrations, spring football (with a nostalgic deep dive on alternative leagues), modern rules innovations, football culture, and the petty politics of athlete nicknames. Along the way, they bounce between baseball anecdotes, streaming-era gripes, and the endless quest to “make football better,” ultimately staking a tongue-in-cheek claim: "We invented football."

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Streamers’ Agony: Watching Baseball in 2026

[03:25–07:26]

The group laments the convoluted path to simply watching baseball in the era of streaming packages:
- Dave: Navigates the maze of ESPN, MLB packages, Xfinity, and password resets ("It’s all exhausting, and it's meant to be difficult. I feel so old...the system tries to make it super hard for you." [05:48])
- Jeremy: Notes the new landscape: regional sports have gone internal, so figuring out channels or apps is a last-minute scramble.
Humorous comparison:
- Dave admits, given a choice between doing his taxes or setting up baseball streaming—he’ll pick sports:
  “When it comes to baseball or doing taxes, I’ll give baseball this. I prefer watching baseball.” [07:29]
- Mike Ryan sums it up: “Sounds really complicated how we’re supposed to watch baseball.” [07:26]

2. Stat of the Day: Freshman Feats and Ancient NCAA Rules

[07:37–09:38]

Stat of the Day (presented by MoneyLion) features three historic NCAA basketball stats focused on freshmen:
- Arizona: 3 freshmen with 15+ points on 60%+ shooting (first ever in tourney history)
- Illinois: Pair of double-doubles by freshmen (first since eligibility rule change in 1972)
- Darius Acuff Jr: Most points through three career NCAA tourney games by a freshman, surpassing Zion Williamson [08:16–09:05]
Quip:
Mike: "Why would a freshman not be eligible to play?" [09:05]
Jeremy: "It was like a mandatory redshirt, wasn’t it?" [09:12]
Classic rule: No dunking and mandatory frosh teams—the group marvels at how backward the old NCAA was (e.g., “You couldn’t actually dunk. That’s why...Wilt Chamberlain is finger rolling instead.” [09:34–09:38])

3. XFL, UFL & The Endless Spring Football Quest

[09:58–19:11]

UFL Opening Day!
Dave laments the demise of XFL branding (“I’m a child of the attitude era.” [10:21]). COVID killed prior XFL momentum, UFL struggles for relevance, but is selling out games in Louisville.
Spring Football as Entertainment:
- The UFL’s solution: Ludacris, Nelly, Gucci Mane, DJ Khaled, and Gavin DeGraw at halftime. “That’s window dressing on a Ludacris concert.” [12:15]
Big Question: Why don’t these leagues sign big names (Kaepernick, Flacco, etc.)? Tony advocates for marquee signings: “Throw all the loot you can possibly find...that’s the solution, isn’t it?” [13:24]
Historical deep dive: The USFL outspent rivals to land Herschel Walker, Steve Young, and Jim Kelly; the group marvels at what might have been for those players’ NFL legacies.

Notable Moment:

Dave’s perfect encapsulation: “It is like dudes naming dudes on the UFL...the product tries to shock the system.” [13:54]

4. Crazy Football Rules: Would the NFL Ever Try These?

[19:13–27:49]

Experimental rules in alt-leagues spark debate:
- No punts past midfield.
- 60-yard field goal worth 4 points.
- (Hypothetical) A team can “give up 6 points” to get the ball back.
Tony: Voices concern about leagues going too far and becoming "punchline" material:
“The XFL did too much...it was hard to take seriously.” [21:43]
Discussion of “Let Them Score/Score-Offs,” replacing Pro Bowl with a “Loser Bowl” (winner gets #1 draft pick), and the now-common 4th-and-12/15 conversion as an onside kick alternative.
- Dave: “Let’s pretend we’re just building this sport. We are starting the sport of football. The past has never happened...First off, credit to us. We invented football.” [25:54–26:06]
Scoring inflation concern: Tony predicts high-scoring chaos if 4th-and-12s replace kickoffs: “You would probably try to go for it a lot more... You’d see 61–54 final scores…” [27:05]

5. The Power of Names: Nickname Thievery in Sports

[39:46–42:44]

Caleb Williams (Bears QB) tries trademarking “Iceman”—the crew is outraged:
- Tony: “How lacking in creativity are we as a society that this is where we’ve reached now?” [40:13]
- “We have Aaron Rodgers deciding to be A-Rod. We already have an A-Rod, man… it’s a whole new layer of awful.” [40:23]
Mike Ryan asks: what’s the most egregious nickname theft?
- Group calls out LaMelo Ball (“Melo” is Carmelo’s name!), and Dwight Howard (“Superman” is Shaq). [41:29]
Dave proposes a better nickname for Williams: “Nails. He paints his nails, he comes in clutch. Nails Williams is a badass.” [42:25–42:33]

6. Football Culture, Communication, and Petty Gripes

[31:14–38:34]

Reminiscing about the XFL’s wild days (“cheerleader locker room cam,” starting QBs in hot tubs).
Jon rants about friends answering the phone with “Hello?” like they don’t know him: “It’s always with a question mark… Do you not have my number saved in your phone?” [33:07–34:16]
Banter about how people answer their phones—varies from “Yo” to “Hey, it’s Mike Ryan,” but Mike Ryan always says “hello.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

On streaming rage:
“It’s all exhausting, and it’s meant to be difficult. I feel so old...the system tries to make it super hard for you.” – Dave [05:48]
Baseball/taxes:
“When it comes to baseball or doing taxes, I’ll give baseball this. I prefer watching baseball.” – Dave [07:29]
Innovation overload:
“I think you do run the risk of just being a punchline, a joke league.” – Tony [21:43]
Spring league strategy:
“That’s window dressing on a Ludacris concert.” – Dave [12:15]
Inventing football, tongue-in-cheek:
“First off, credit to us. We invented football.” – Dave [26:06]
On nickname theft:
“How lacking in creativity are we as a society that this is where we’ve reached now?” – Tony [40:13]
Proper nickname for Williams:
“He should be Nails...Nails Williams is a badass.” – Dave [42:25–42:33]

Timestamps for Key Segments

03:25 – 07:26: Streaming/MLB subscription horror stories
07:37 – 09:38: Stat of the Day/NCAA rules history
09:58 – 19:11: UFL/XFL nostalgia, spring football gripes & halftime concert hype
19:13 – 27:49: Experimenting with rules (4-point FGs, no punting, loser bowl, onside alternatives)
31:14 – 34:16: XFL 2000s antics & phone etiquette debate
39:46 – 42:44: Nickname theft rant (Iceman, A-Rod, Superman)

Closing Remarks

Tone:
High-energy, sardonic, rapid-fire—a quintessential Le Batard stew blending deep sports knowledge with self-aware humor and old-guy complaints about the modern world.

If you missed it:
This episode skewers the complexity of modern fandom (just streaming a game is an odyssey!), lampoons the endless reinvention of football for spring TV, and provides delectable digressions (like whether “hello?” is an acceptable answer when your buddy calls). It’s as much nostalgia for the zany past as it is a satirical blueprint for the future—because, as Dave says: “We invented football.”

wavePod

Hour 1: We Invented Football