Hour 2: Can A Playa Get Some Conversation? (feat. Bert Kreischer)

Summary

The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz

Episode: Hour 2: Can A Playa Get Some Conversation? (feat. Bert Kreischer)
Date: September 9, 2025
Location: Elser Hotel, Downtown Miami

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Overview of the Episode

In this lively and irreverent episode, Dan Le Batard, Stugotz, and the regular crew are joined by comedian and podcaster Bert Kreischer. The hour jumps between sports media debates (with a focus on the TV show "Pardon the Interruption"), football controversies, comedic life stories, and Bert’s reflections on fame, touring, and sports fandom. The episode is as much about the culture and spectacle of sports as it is about the camaraderie and absurdity of being in the public eye.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. PTI's Legacy and the Mount Rushmore of Sports Television

Timestamps: 02:02–04:33, 15:17–18:48

• PTI Contract Renewal: The crew identifies "Pardon the Interruption" (PTI) as a top-tier sports program, marveling at Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon’s multi-decade chemistry and the show’s adaptation to a rapidly shifting sports media climate.
• Ranking Sports TV Programs:
  • The group discusses the top sports TV shows of all time, with contributors weighing in on where PTI stands (top three? Top five?).
  • Mike Ryan lists his "Top 10," including "George Michael Sports Machine," "Around the Horn," "Sunday NFL Countdown," "Baseball Tonight," "Inside the NFL," "Real Sports," "Pardon the Interruption," "Inside the NBA," "College Game Day," and, at number one, "SportsCenter" (“This was late night for a generation. These were the VJs for kids in the 90s!” – Mike Ryan, 17:58).
  • Bert’s memorable interjection: “I just got my pants off. We can’t just go straight into it. Number one, tease me, tease me.” (17:07)

2. Football Fumbles & Rule Confusion

Timestamps: 05:44–13:50, 14:54–15:17

• NFL Catch Rules Debate: The gang spirals into a comedic but genuine debate over what constitutes a legal catch in the NFL: can an elbow, butt cheek, or a helmet substitute for “two feet”?
  • “An elbow, an ear, or a nose all count. They’re all specific, but yeah, they should.” – Dan Le Batard (14:54)
  • “If you drag an ass cheek, what else you got?” – Chris Cote (15:04)
• Brian Callahan Controversy:
  • The Tennessee Titans coach admits he didn’t know the catch rule during a pivotal game moment, later publicly owning the mistake: “Ultimately, my interpretation of the rule was wrong. I’ll own it. We should have challenged the play.” – Brian Callahan (13:00)
  • The crew appreciates his accountability but pokes fun at the confusion and the coach’s passive blame-shifting.

3. College Football & Tailgating

Timestamps: 19:57–24:24

• Bert’s Florida State Experience:
  • Kreischer shares his pride and emotion after giving the pregame speech at Florida State, calling it one of his life’s greatest moments: “I am the happiest kid in town. I’m getting ready to go on tour. I just wrapped my TV show for Netflix. I haven’t drank in two days. Come on. I feel like Superman.” (19:57)
• Best Tailgate: An emphatic vote for college over pro football: “At least there’s a litmus of education at a college tailgate. When you go to, like, a Bills or a Steelers tailgate… you could just be a dude fresh out of prison.” – Bert Kreischer (23:14)

4. Bert Kreischer on Comedy, Touring, and Success

Timestamps: 24:43–38:29

• Touring Life & Fame:
  • Bert confesses his preference for touring over being at home, likening the touring lifestyle to summer camp: “Touring is more fun than being at home with my family, than sitting in Hawaii on the beach. Touring is the best.” (33:47)
  • Reflects on club gigs versus headlining arenas: “Dayton, Ohio, on a Thursday night with 35 people in the audience, and 25 of them don’t want to be there… this can’t be the dream… That was like a turning point in my career when I realized you have to be up for anything.” (35:44)
• Growth of the Two Bears, One Cave Podcast:
  • Bert discusses the pod’s hiatus due to filming and how bringing in guest hosts both freshened the show and spread wealth to fellow comics: “We just basically hand the podcast over. They do the ad reads, they make the money, and it’s kind of nice to be dead.” (25:50)
• Acting Surprises:
  • Bert is shocked by his pivot into acting, describing it as the biggest professional surprise of his past five years: “I never planned on being an actor… acting doesn’t pay anything really compared to podcasting and standup.” (27:05)

5. Memorable Games, Onstage Moments, and Emotional Highs

Timestamps: 30:48–39:00

• Most Moved on Stage:
  • Tells of performing in Tampa, with his father meeting Wade Boggs: “My dad’s never seen me perform live… Can you imagine the life you’ve lived if Derek Brooks knows who you are? That was the Mount Rushmore. I’m done.” (30:48)
• Greatest Seminole of All Time:
  • Bert passionately chooses Charlie Ward over Deion Sanders: “3rd and 17, and you knew Charlie Ward would come through… And that’s how we got that great individual, that is Warwick Dunn.” (32:04)
• Best Sports Experience:
  • Recounts being on the 50-yard line at FSU after the speech, shirtless with Tom Segura as the marching band played: “I don’t have memories like that with my wife or my children, you know, to be honest with you.” (37:39)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Those are the topics they’re going to talk about and they’re on my screen. I get to see what they’re going to talk about.” – Zas (03:30), recalling first seeing PTI’s rundown format.
• “An elbow, an ear, or a nose all count. They’re all specific, but yeah, they should.” – Dan Le Batard, joking about NFL catch rules (14:54)
• “If you drag an ass cheek, what else you got?” – Chris Cote (15:04)
• “Touring is more fun than being at home with my family, than sitting in Hawaii on the beach. Touring is the best. The lifestyle rocks.” – Bert Kreischer (33:47)
• “My dad’s never seen me perform live… Can you imagine the life you’ve lived if Derek Brooks knows who you are?” – Bert Kreischer (30:48)
• “3rd and 17, and you knew Charlie Ward would come through…I want to play Bert. And then I just did this last one, and now I have, like, three movies lined up…” – Bert Kreischer (32:04, 27:05)
• “Can a playa get some conversation?” – Black audience member at Bert’s Miami comedy show, sparking a turning point for Bert’s stage confidence (36:13)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• PTI and Sports TV History: 02:02–04:33, 15:17–18:48
• NFL Catch Rule Comedy: 10:35–15:17
• Brian Callahan on Rules Blunder: 12:15–13:50
• Bert Kreischer’s Sports Fandom and FSU Experiences: 19:57–24:24, 37:39–38:29
• Touring and Comedy Philosophy: 33:47–35:44
• Greatest Seminole & Charlie Ward Story: 32:04–32:41
• Real or Fake Podcast Game: 28:03–30:48

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Tone & Style

The conversation is casual, irreverent, and brisk, bouncing between sports debates, insider comedy, and affectionate ribbing. The hosts and Bert frequently shift from humorous exaggeration to insightful commentary, often with absurd tangents and spontaneous, “did-that-just-happen?” moments—very much in line with the Le Batard Show ethos.

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For New Listeners

This episode offers a flavor of The Dan Le Batard Show’s signature blend: equal parts sports fandom, skepticism, nostalgia, absurdity, and camaraderie. Bert Kreischer fits in perfectly, providing both standup-style stories and surprising moments of emotional honesty—especially about his journey from struggling comic to arena headliner, set against a backdrop of sports media inside-jokes and playful banter.

Transcript

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[Dan Le Batard]

Is the Dan Levator show with the Stugats podcast.

[Chris Cote]

Do you get annoyed every time Dan Levatard pontificates about the sports media industry? Well, too bad, mother.

[Dan Le Batard]

He knows he don't give a damn.

[Chris Cote]

About what he's gonna say. It's time for Sports Media Talk. Today. Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon have signed a three year extension extension for pti. I'm going to assume, but cannot say this for sure that it will be their last contract there because I don't know how much after 80 years old Tony's going to be wanting to do that, even though people around him who love him suspect the moment you turn off that TV camera, he will just wander over to A potted plant and start giving that his sports opinions.

[Zas]

I don't know that.

[Chris Cote]

I don't know what the details are on. Did they make them go to an hour from a half hour? Because there was. There was some thought that it would be easy to do that, which would be easy for them to do that. Except you've got to pay Tony twice as much as you were paying him if you want him to do twice as much work. And that might be less easy than it used to be. One of the greatest sports television shows. Top 10 of all time. Correct. Top five. Like where, where are we putting what are the greatest SP television shows there have ever been? And does PTI rise to the level that's more than 20 plus years of chemistry on television and able to survive all of the flux at ESPN and at Disney? Because it's still a monster when it comes to ratings, even though very little is a monster when it comes to ratings.

[Zas]

I remember where I was the first time I saw the show. I think I was 19. I remember exactly where I was and it was. It was incredible because I remember saying to myself, well, hold up. Those are the topics they're going to talk about and they're on my screen. I get to see what they're going to talk about.

[Chris Cote]

That's one of the great sports inventions of all time. That ticker, that timer that keeps them to 90 seconds. In the event that you are not interested in that topic, you know it's going to change in 60 seconds because what they did there is grab short attention spans before, you know, social media, before the addictions. And they're like, we're going to speed all this up for you. We're going to give you SportsCenter in a half hour and how to think about it, about it. And I just don't know where it would rank in greatest sport. It's certainly one with the longest run. It's certainly crazy that it's a daily show, right? Because I don't think many of whatever it is we'd be nominating for best sports television of all time is going to be a Daily Show 240 to 300 times a year because of the need for content. Top five Zaslow top five all time.

[Mike Ryan]

Because I believe it's not a top ten right now.

[Zas]

Yeah, I have a hard time believing it's not Top three.

[Chris Cote]

Of all the arguments I've had with Boogie, he tends to win most of them smarter about sports, good debater than I am. He also saw that come up on his screen for the first time. And he looks to me and he says, that'll never work. Because they were bad at the beginning. They didn't know what they were doing. There was no chemistry.

[Zas]

Well, they infamously. When the bell would ring, they would stop and look around. Right.

[Chris Cote]

Well, they just.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yes.

[Chris Cote]

They didn't know how to do television necessarily as chemistry. Right. They were very good at radio. They were very good in the newsroom having chemistry. But televised chemistry has to be learned. And obviously they. What are you laughing about, Chris? They perfected it, obviously. Let's get a list of the top five. Tell I have a top ten of all time. All right, we're going to get to it in a second. We're going to go through it with Bert Kreischer. Let's go through it with Bert Kreischer in a second. Your top 10 list. But let's play some more sounds that we have not gotten to. I want to start with Jacksonville. Zoner Tony is feeling Jacksonville. Okay. They didn't even get huge games from their skill guys. Their skill guys are good and their defense is going to be good. And at the end of the game, Shad Khan, who is just so very happy to be out from under the stench of Urban Meyer. It takes a long time to recover from it. He is giddy with enthusiasm. Our friend Tony Khan's dad.

[Dan Le Batard]

This is what we envisioned in January, okay?

[Mike Ryan]

Yes, sir.

[Dan Le Batard]

It's happening here in September. Going to go on forever.

[Chris Cote]

You can hear the pain in the way.

[Dan Le Batard]

Gonna go on forever.

[Zas]

You could just like. He might as well just be saying, jacksonville forever's ambitious. Can we agree?

[Mike Ryan]

Long time.

[Dan Le Batard]

Gonna go on forever.

[Mike Ryan]

Why was the kicker on the right dressed like the vampire Lestat?

[Chris Cote]

Yeah, he was, actually. I wanna get to some coaching sound. Can someone explain to me why and how this escalated so quickly with Steve Sarkeesian, who's feeling himself after getting dragged with his great quarterback? The headlines. God, I just was looking back through some old headlines. Arch Manning built for this moment. I don't really know what's going on in this clip. I would just describe this as an awkward back and forth between Steve Sarkeesian and a reporter. Arch Manning seemed to be having some throwing pains by the.

[Zas]

According to who?

[Chris Cote]

Arch.

[Zas]

Arch said that to you?

[Chris Cote]

No.

[Zas]

Oh, according to who?

[Chris Cote]

It just looked like he was.

[Zas]

He doesn't have any.

[Dan Le Batard]

Is that.

[Chris Cote]

Is there an explanation to why he was. It looked like that?

[Dan Le Batard]

I don't know. I've never.

[Zas]

I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom. So I don't know what faces you make when you're doing that.

[Mike Ryan]

Was.

[Chris Cote]

Was Arch in the bathroom?

[Dan Le Batard]

I don't know.

[Zas]

Is that a saying?

[Chris Cote]

I never film you guys in the bathroom.

[Zas]

Why'd the reporter lie there?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, that was weird, right?

[Chris Cote]

Oh, they get scared when the big tough.

[Mike Ryan]

He's like, oh, Arch, talk to him.

[Dan Le Batard]

No.

[Chris Cote]

This is. I understand that I'm obviously the bathroom. I'm pro.

[Mike Ryan]

You won't let me talk to them.

[Chris Cote]

I'm pro media, and so I've got my biases. But that's just a scared reporter, and that's just a tough guy coach who's in power and can embarrass a scared reporter who got nervous. I've never.

[Zas]

I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom, so I don't know what faces you make when you're doing that.

[Mike Ryan]

You know, a lot of people have different problems. With Sarkeesian, I think people are deserving of a second chance. For me, I wrote him off. You ever see that video of him, like, chewing out the ESPN field producer while he's in the tunnel getting ready to come out for a bowl game? I could already make a character judgment on this guy by how he treated that dude.

[Zas]

Arch said that to you?

[Dan Le Batard]

No. Why do you lie?

[Chris Cote]

I don't want to make a character judgment about drinking problems because everyone knows that they're an assortment of addictions that run rampant and sickness that runs rampant as well when it comes to not being able to control your addictions. But it is fairly amazing that Sarkeesian has been able to get that particular job so quickly after being someone who was drinking on the job in his previous or actually two stops ago, the last time he was a head coach, rehabbed himself the way that many did and do under Saban, literal rehab, and then comes back and has that job, which is with that quarterback. He's a. He's in a pretty fantastic position given the way that his last head coaching job ended. It's a. It's a fairly amazing story. But that he would hit reporters with arrogance probably has to do with. Oh, and now he feels what the pressure of that job is when you have that quarterback as well. Probably doesn't feel very good every day.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, for me, it's just how he treated the field producer is just really bad. It's a really bad look. And it shows, like, how you treat other people. And, like, if you can read into how he treats the media, you can read into how he treats a field producer. I'm just not a fan. Haven't been a fan since I saw that clip.

[Dan Le Batard]

All four.

[Mike Ryan]

Giving people multiple chances and he's gotten multiple chances.

[Chris Cote]

How about this? Are you a fan of this, this Brian Callahan? You are in a position where you are in the tank for Cam Ward. Everyone else is at fault for any of Cam Ward's failures. He should have been 28 for 28 in his game against Denver if simply everyone around him hadn't betrayed him. Who's a Tennessee Titan, including his coach. Not knowing the rules.

[Mike Ryan]

That's a misinterpretation. I counted 24 of 28 Cam Ward.

[Chris Cote]

Would have had the day Aaron Rodgers had if the Titans weren't bums. And that is the fair and reasonable analysis from Mike Ryan. Calvin Ridley could not catch balls that were too hot to handle.

[Mike Ryan]

But let's hear they could have been handled. All right, Make. Make a play for the young man. And that's what I was saying the entire game. But the rookie from Stanford that put up 200 plus yards on Travis Hunter. This is an exciting draft draft pick. Tony, help me with the name because I don't want to mispronounce it. That's right. So young man makes a play, goes up there, catches the ball, elbow comes down in bounds. Rest of the body falls out of bounds. And I'm watching at home. This TV is NASCAR's on the main. For those that don't know, isn't that inbounds? Should be inbound?

[Dan Le Batard]

I thought so. I thought I knew ball.

[Mike Ryan]

Apparently I didn't know ball.

[Dan Le Batard]

They didn't challenge it. It's not.

[Mike Ryan]

Not challenged. They didn't take a look at it. I see the replay on the tv. I'm like, elbow came down. I thought the elbow. You know.

[Zas]

Does one elbow equal two feet?

[Chris Cote]

Well, let's see.

[Mike Ryan]

You're asking the right question.

[Zas]

I feel like I've heard that before.

[Dan Le Batard]

We all.

[Mike Ryan]

We all thought that.

[Chris Cote]

Butt cheek. What are the things that equal 2ft?

[Mike Ryan]

Knee, butt, cheek, elbow.

[Chris Cote]

All of those things. Is there anything else? That shoulder, possibly face, Teeth, Shin.

[Mike Ryan]

Shin. We've seen that play out before, but I found it very odd.

[Zas]

What about head?

[Dan Le Batard]

Head?

[Chris Cote]

I don't know. If your head lands in bounds and then your feet land out of bounds, is your head to feet? Which one?

[Dan Le Batard]

Where's the ball?

[Mike Ryan]

We've that before, but.

[Dan Le Batard]

But.

[Zas]

But maybe we will one day. So it's important to establish one.

[Chris Cote]

But one. But is a butt correct?

[Mike Ryan]

One cheek, two feet. I gotta think the head is down in bounds. If the shin is like, comes down.

[Zas]

Head first and then falls.

[Chris Cote]

If your head. If you land on the top of your helmet and then your feet land out of bounds, that's gonna be no cat. Which head? Oh, really?

[Mike Ryan]

He was workshopping that for eight, and we're like, really? Don't do really? And he was like, I'm confused. Doing the dick joke.

[Chris Cote]

All right, put it on the pole. Is the penis. Does it count as 2ft? The penis doesn't count as feet.

[Mike Ryan]

So you and I, I think his.

[Zas]

Penis would land in bounds and the rest of his body adapt an elbow.

[Chris Cote]

I mean, what's the difference?

[Mike Ryan]

There's pants.

[Dan Le Batard]

What is the rule?

[Mike Ryan]

So we knew ball. The elbow comes down in bounds, that counts as a knee. That counts as two feet.

[Zas]

I feel like I've heard that before.

[Mike Ryan]

So let's hear the head coach, Brian Callahan, after the game. And then Brian Callahan, upon reflection, first.

[Chris Cote]

After the game, looked like his elbow hit inbound.

[Brian Callahan]

Yeah, you got to get a foot in bounce, too. Which we didn't have a clean look at whether his foot was down as well. An elbow doesn't equal two feet, so his foot would have had to come down as well. We didn't have a clean look. So the call from upstairs was that it wasn't more challenging.

[Mike Ryan]

So, Zaz, you and I very clearly idiots.

[Zas]

There is no way that you have to have an elbow and a foot. There's no way.

[Dan Le Batard]

That's the rule.

[Mike Ryan]

Well, an elbow and a foot twister, that equals two feet.

[Chris Cote]

What is the rule? What is the damn rule? Is an elbow worth two feet, or is it not worth two feet?

[Mike Ryan]

He had conviction when he spoke. You're an idiot for thinking an elbow is down in bounds. Let's hear Mr. Callahan.

[Brian Callahan]

Upon reflection, the conversation about the play with Ellick and challenging the play and what I said after the game and look, ultimately, my interpretation of the rule was wrong. I'll own it. We should have challenged the play. And that's pretty much all I can say about it, is I'll own a mistake. Should have challenged it. And that's where it stands. That process and how those things get relayed, you know, I'll keep those in house, but, you know, I'm the head coach of the football team, and my job is to make those decisions. And I didn't do a good enough job in that moment. I should have challenged it. And he wanted to. And it probably would have resulted in a potential explosive play.

[Chris Cote]

And this is how you say, I'm not blaming anyone.

[Dan Le Batard]

While blaming.

[Mike Ryan]

He wanted to blame somebody. Else there, Dan. No rules.

[Chris Cote]

He didn't know the rules.

[Mike Ryan]

I said that in your ear and then you sounded like somebody in system of a down, just like in the middle of that. Yeah, he wanted to, but I'm glad. As someone that champions admitting when you're wrong, it only took our man a day and head coach is notoriously stubborn. So good on you, Mr. Callahan.

[Dan Le Batard]

Don LeBatard.

[Zas]

I've never stepped foot on that campus. If you told me right now, your life depends on it. Go to Santa Fe University and just, just, just take a picture.

[Dan Le Batard]

Stugats.

[Zas]

I would die. I don't know where it is.

[Dan Le Batard]

This is the Dan Levatar show with the st.

[Chris Cote]

He is a comedian. He's a podcast host. He is a machine. He's got a couple of hilarious podcasts. Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura. He's been off for a while and he's got the birdcast and he's got Something's burning. You could see him at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Vancouver this weekend, September 12th. His permission to party. World tour dates and tickets are [e-mail] he is working very hard. He is always working and he loves his sport. So let's include him on a couple of conversations we're having. What equals two feet? Bert, as a catch in the NFL, does the elbow count as two feet?

[Dan Le Batard]

An elbow, an ear, or a nose all count. They're all specific, but yeah, they should.

[Chris Cote]

How about an ass cheek? And as cheek counts as 2ft?

[Dan Le Batard]

1. If you drag it. Yeah, if you drag it.

[Chris Cote]

If you drag an ass cheek, what else you got?

[Zas]

What if you just land on your head and then the rest of your body falls out of bounds? Catch.

[Dan Le Batard]

Catch. 100% of catch.

[Chris Cote]

Okay, good. We're doing the rules. Mike, you want to give bert your top 10 sports television shows of all time? Now that Tony and Mike have signed a three year extension, I assume. We got to assume it's the last one. No. Are you assuming it's the last one for us?

[Dan Le Batard]

No.

[Mike Ryan]

Three years. I didn't get three years. I didn't get three Years. I number 10 George Michael sports machine. I mean, just an OG inspired so many other shows that followed it.

[Chris Cote]

Any thoughts there, Kreischer? You believe that or you're out on that?

[Dan Le Batard]

I'm out. I've never heard of it.

[Mike Ryan]

Okay, believe it or not, one half of Wham hosted a sports highlight show.

[Chris Cote]

That's not true.

[Dan Le Batard]

No, no. You're messing with me now. You're messing with. Okay, okay, let's play this game. I can't believe. No, no, no.

[Mike Ryan]

We can play real or fake podcast later on, though.

[Chris Cote]

Yes, we will play.

[Mike Ryan]

Number nine, around the horn. Number eight, Sunday NFL Countdown. You thought there was a show that was just called Sunday? What was going on there? Number seven, baseball Tonight.

[Chris Cote]

Great jingle.

[Dan Le Batard]

You remember when baseball was interesting?

[Chris Cote]

That's a good point by you.

[Dan Le Batard]

Do you remember when. Do you remember Saturday baseball when you'd go play Little League and then you'd come home and you'd watch the highlights and you were like, man, I want to play for the rest of my life. And then you're just like, man, I'll just do testosterone.

[Mike Ryan]

You remember Web Gems? You remember Diamond Notes with Peter Gammons? That's when baseball was baseball, pal.

[Dan Le Batard]

That's when America knew who their enemy was.

[Mike Ryan]

That's right. Amen. Number six, inside the NFL. Number five, real sports. Number four, pardoning the interruption. Number three, inside the NBA.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yeah, yeah. Wait, we Shaq. We Shaq in. In Barkley, right?

[Mike Ryan]

Yes. Okay. College game day.

[Dan Le Batard]

Number. Hold on, slow down, slow down, slow down. I just got my pants off. We can't just go straight into it. Number one, Tease me, tease me.

[Chris Cote]

Hold on, hold on, Mike, hold. Do you have any objections before we get to number one? Do you have Bert. Do you have any objections to anything he's put on the list? Do you have anything that you would rank higher?

[Dan Le Batard]

No, there's nothing that I'd mess. I mean, nothing I'd mess with right now, except I am, I am. I know what number one should be. Okay.

[Chris Cote]

Are you okay with Inside the NBA being behind college game Day?

[Dan Le Batard]

Personally, no. I think Shaq and Charles Barkley are two of the most fascinating individuals in the entire world to watch Shaq eat. The hottest chip challenge is one of the greatest pieces of footage.

[Mike Ryan]

I still say that anytime I eat something spicy.

[Dan Le Batard]

Number one. I need you to tease me. I need you to tease me.

[Chris Cote]

Number one.

[Mike Ryan]

This was a star making vehicle. This was late night for a generation. These were the VJs of kids for the 90s. This was SportsCenter.

[Chris Cote]

Boom, baby.

[Mike Ryan]

I say this was Sports center because Stuart Scott.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yes.

[Mike Ryan]

Philofi Stuart Scott. Name them more. Dan Patrick. Rich Eisen.

[Dan Le Batard]

Rich Eisenhower. Dude, let me tell you something. I had. I had dinner with Stuart Scott when I first started Stand up in New York. And I was drunk and I was like. And you have to be a real SportsCenter fan to remember. He came in and stirred things up. He stirred everything up. Because all of a sudden he was coming in with potential. Like, just like back at you Remember that?

[Chris Cote]

He was just black.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, that's how he stirred it up.

[Dan Le Batard]

But you remember that was stirring things up. We're talking about 1990.

[Chris Cote]

It still is Bert. Bert still is Bert. It's still.

[Dan Le Batard]

I'm not totally comfortable with Club Shay anyway. I mean, I gotta be honest. Talk about us every now and then. You know what I mean? Did it kill you? I had dinner with him, and I got to talk to him about that, and he broke down. He broke down everything that was happening internally at ESPN with the way he was talking and the way he was being representing the thing, and. And it was the most fascinating conversation I've ever had. And that's the only time I ever met him.

[Mike Ryan]

What a bar.

[Chris Cote]

He was just black, though. Like, what happened, the shocking thing that he was, is that Rich Eisen was there, and then here comes the guy who's black.

[Dan Le Batard]

It happens that way so much. 48 hours trading spins.

[Chris Cote]

Americana, really, if you think about it. It's how it works. But, Bert, every time we talk to you, your life gets crazier and crazier. And I gotta be. I gotta be honest. I feel for you sometimes because I feel like you get hurt by some of the stuff, wherever it is, that you're polarizing, as opposed to it being 100% laughter. And I want you to just enjoy your life because it seems like everything great is happening in your life.

[Dan Le Batard]

Everything great's happening in my life. Are you kidding me? I gave the pump up speech at Florida State before we took our first game this year. It was one of the greatest moments of my entire life. Florida State's having a great season. The Bucks are having a great season. I am the happiest kid in town. I'm getting ready to go on tour. I just wrapped my TV show for Netflix. I got. I haven't drank in two days. Come on. I feel like Superman.

[Chris Cote]

How. How is it that you've been in the last six months in terms of running into folks where you're like, how is this my life? Because every time we talk to you, your life gets a little bit crazier in terms of whose company you're keeping.

[Dan Le Batard]

Be more specific.

[Chris Cote]

Oh, I just. I don't know. Every day for you brings some sort of absurdity, does it not, where you're looking around and saying, how did I get from, you know, partying more than anyone in the history of Florida State University to, why am I sitting next to this person?

[Dan Le Batard]

I'll tell you what. We Had a crazy experience. Me and Tommy went to that Florida State game, and I was with work done in Danny Canal. Now, if you remember, like, in the 90s, the choke at Doak was like, one of the biggest games I ever remember watching. And I remember that being orchestrated by Danny Canal and Warwick Dunn. Now, Work didn't score a lot of touchdowns in that game, but he was just invaluable. And there I am in the president's box, or right just outside the media box, shirtless, holding on to work done in Danny Cannell with Tom Segura, my best friend. And I thought to myself, if you had told me in 1993 or 1990 for that, I would be shirtless in this stadium with Warwick Dunn and Danny Canelo. I'd be like, are they running a train on me?

[Chris Cote]

What was it like for you to do that speech? Were you nervous being in front of a stadium? You're playing giant venues now, but specifically because of your reverence for that program, how nervous were you before just getting in front of those people and just saying a few words?

[Dan Le Batard]

So I was terrified all the way. I was terrified all morning and the week leading up to it. And then the second I got on the field, Tommy pulled me aside and Kirk Fox's opener. And they said, talk with them, not at them. You're one of them. And the second they said that, I realized, I am that kid that sat in those end zone stadium bleachers when they were wooden bleachers, watching Dan Maury play Miami, going wide right. I am that kid that. The first time I saw the spear go down, and I just. I was supposed to just say, like, God bless America. God bless the troops. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. I think that's all they wanted me to do. And I just went on a rant about, this is the house that Bobby Bowden built. When that spear hit that 50 yard line, tears stream down my face. Those tears were garnet and gold. Ladies and gentlemen, Alabama has no idea what house they just stepped into. I have two words to say. Go Knowles. And I'm talking. When 90,000 people erupt, that's when you storm the Capitol. I mean, that's like. That's. I mean, that's like. That's like. I mean, that's like Stalin, Mussolini, that other guys kind of stuff. That's. I mean, that moves a country.

[Chris Cote]

Lifetime tickets to any team. Only one team. Who you picking?

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, the Indiana Fever.

[Chris Cote]

College or pro football? Best tailgate?

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, college, without a doubt. Here's. And I don't Mean to be disrespectful, but let's be very honest. At least there's a litmus of education at a college tailgate. When you go to, like, a Bills or a Steelers tailgate, you don't need to have any education. You could just be a dude fresh out of prison. That's a. Barring none. My University of Miami. Of course, obviously, that doesn't matter, but at any other college, you need some sort of level of education to get to the tailgate. College tailgate, 100%.

[Chris Cote]

Why are you wearing two watches?

[Dan Le Batard]

I'm not. One's a whoop.

[Mike Ryan]

What do you got there? The other side.

[Dan Le Batard]

The other side.

[Mike Ryan]

Daytona, what do you got going on there?

[Dan Le Batard]

No, this is a GMT Master 2.

[Mike Ryan]

Nice.

[Chris Cote]

What's the longest you've gone without wearing a shirt?

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, that would have to be Hawaii. I. My. I didn't wear a shirt to dinner two nights in a row because they were private rooms, and so I was just coming straight off the beach. And that was four days straight. Four days straight. By the way, no shower, no shirt. I count the. I count the ocean. And anyone in Miami would count the ocean as a shower.

[Chris Cote]

Put it on the poll at Le Batard show. Does the ocean count as a shower? I think salt water is something you should want to get off your body.

[Dan Le Batard]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't. You can rinse. You can rinse if you want, but if you go into the ocean, you are clean. The Lord has cleaned you. I will also say, for any Florida kid, pool counts as a shower.

[Chris Cote]

Let's play our new game with Bert. Bert has helped popularize the podcast. What's Going on with Two Bears, One Cave. You guys were doing movies and doing other projects, so you allowed Stavi. You allowed guest hosts to come in. I saw that Sam Morrell was on there. How'd all that go? And are you back now?

[Dan Le Batard]

Yeah, we're back. We're back doing them. We both had projects. Tom had a movie, and I had a TV show, and it's a little frustrating. You know, obviously, podcast is the thing that got us to the dance, but now the dance is asking us to do different things, and it's kind of like you don't want to. You don't want to forget your roots and what got you there, but at the same time, you have so many plates spinning that we're trying to do both. So I. I don't know. We're trying. I'm trying to skinny up my podcast dance slate, meaning with bertcast and something's burning so that I can focus more on two Bears, to be honest with.

[Chris Cote]

You, because why do you want to focus on that? It's been the prize, baby, obviously. And it's something that's important to you. And I like that you brought in these comedians who could freshen up. Like, they respect the platform you've built, and they were doing something different than you guys would do. And your audience like that, too.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yeah, they loved it. I, by the way, I do that more often. I would bring in guest host and, you know, I mean, I'll talk very candidly, but, you know, two Bears makes a great deal of money. And to share that money with other comics that are doing that, are coming in and breathing fresh air into it, like, it's, It's. It's kind of nice. Like, we just basically hand the podcast over. Everything, everything they do, the ad reads, they make the money, and it's. It's kind of nice to be dead. And I think the fans like it, and it brings it. It. It makes it more fun for us, and it also invigorates us because I was like, wow, they killed it. We got to really start writing down subjects to talk about. Tom.

[Chris Cote]

Don LeBatard, what is the worst part of the life?

[Dan Le Batard]

Stugats.

[Chris Cote]

The worst part of the life of what?

[Dan Le Batard]

This is the Dan Levatar show with the stug.

[Chris Cote]

What would you identify in your top, top experience of the last five years? That has been a surprise. Just where you just. You're just surprised that something has blown up for you as a professional success, that it outranks all the others.

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, it's. Without a doubt, it's acting. I never planned on being an actor. I had no interest in acting. I thought actors were idiots. I thought they were, like, it was the dumbest profession you could ever do. And then I did it in the machine, and I. And I didn't think. I was like, I'll do one movie and that's it. It's my. It's my movie about me. That's it. And then I started getting offering, offered acting roles, like, a lot, and I turned them all down. So I was like, I'm not. I just want to play me. And that's it. I want to. I want to play Bert. And then I just did this last one, and now I have, like, three movies lined up and. And this show looks. It looks like, you know, it's going to be pretty good, I think, and. But I'm getting offered, like, weird acting roles, like serious acting roles. And like, I got. I just did a part where I get the crap beat out of me. Like, I don't know, I never thought acting would be something I'd want to do at all. I just didn't. I like this. I love this medium. And I was like, I'll be podcasting forever and you're never going to match the money and the acting doesn't pay anything really compared to podcasting and standup.

[Chris Cote]

Mike, are you ready to play a real or fake podcast with one of the podcast kings?

[Mike Ryan]

Yes, Chris, Cody, hit it.

[Chris Cote]

Listen up.

[Dan Le Batard]

Time to think fast. Is this a real or fake podcast?

[Mike Ryan]

Self explanatory. I'm gonna give you a podcast title, Bert, and you have to decipher whether or not it is a real or fake podcast. First one up, the Kittle things with George Kittle.

[Dan Le Batard]

That's fake. There's no way that's. And if it's not fake, he's got to change the name.

[Mike Ryan]

That is a real podcast. He does it with his wife.

[Dan Le Batard]

The kiddle thing. I'm calling George Kittle right now. He should do it with children and call it Kittle, people.

[Mike Ryan]

Second one up, Reese's Pieces with Reese Davis.

[Chris Cote]

You got him shook, Mike.

[Dan Le Batard]

He has to be real. That's got to be real. It's too good.

[Mike Ryan]

That is a fake podcast.

[Dan Le Batard]

Are you dead?

[Chris Cote]

Bird stinks at this game. He's truly terrible at this game.

[Mike Ryan]

Next one up, House Rules with Matt Rules.

[Dan Le Batard]

Fake.

[Mike Ryan]

That is a real podcast. These are worse than Birdcast. Who named these little FSU tinge to this one? Football bromance with Bjorn Werner. With Bjorn Werner.

[Dan Le Batard]

I think it's real.

[Mike Ryan]

That one's actually real.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yeah. Bjorn Werner.

[Chris Cote]

Yes.

[Mike Ryan]

And lastly, the House of Stone and Light with Martin Page.

[Dan Le Batard]

Chris Light. The House of Stone and Light with Martin Page. That's fake. That's fake.

[Mike Ryan]

That is an adult contemporary hit from the early 90s. Congratulations.

[Chris Cote]

Congratulations.

[Mike Ryan]

You finished hot.

[Chris Cote]

Yes. You went two for five. I will remind everyone again that you see him at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Vancouver this weekend, September 12th. His permission to party World Tour. You can get tour dates, tickets [e-mail]. what's the most moved you've been on stage here recently, Burt? Like, because I. I thought it might have been in. In the last special when you threw your shirt up in the air and it landed exactly on the microphone. I believe that that's as. As well as you could ever do it.

[Dan Le Batard]

I was. That. That caught me off guard. That was the episode the most moved. I'VE been. Honestly, was. And I. I only know this because it was Tampa, the Amalie Arena. And right before I was about to go on stage, my dad called me. My dad was at the set. My dad's never seen me perform live. He called me and he goes, hey, Wade Boggs is here. And I was like, yeah, I know. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. He's in my box suite. Do you think he knows who you are? I go, yeah, Dad. I got him tickets. And he was like, you know Wade Boggs? I go, no, I don't know Wade Boggs. But he wanted tickets. We're going to meet him after the show. He goes, I'm going to get to meet Wade Boggs. I go, introduce yourself now, dad. That was the most. And then. And then we got backstage, and Derek Brooks, who, you know, FSU legend, was backstage with me and my dad, and he said to my dad, can you believe the career your son's had, dad? And my dad goes, do you know my son? And he goes, I was at his first show, and my Derrick Brooks walks out and goes. And my dad goes, buddy, Derek Brooks knows who you are. Can you imagine the life you've lived if Derek Brooks knows who you are? That was the greatest. That was the Mount Rushmore. I'm done. I could go back and do clubs for the rest of my life.

[Chris Cote]

He's not your favorite. Seminal.

[Dan Le Batard]

No.

[Chris Cote]

The best Seminole of all time is blank.

[Dan Le Batard]

The best Seminole of all time. The best Seminole of all time is Charlie Ward.

[Chris Cote]

Better than Dion.

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, Charlie Ward. When I was there, Charlie Ward was so undeniable. He was so undeniable. 3rd and 17. And you knew Charlie Ward would come through. You know what I loved about Charlie Ward? When. When. When work done's mom got killed, Charlie Ward said to Bobby Bowden, let him live with me. I'll take care of him. And that's how we got work done. That's how great Charlie Ward was. Is he imprinted on. On work done. And that's how we got that great individual. That is work done.

[Zas]

Yeah, but he deserv into the fifth row by PJ Brown. Let's be honest, dude.

[Dan Le Batard]

The biggest mistake Charlie Ward ever made was playing basketball. I understand he doesn't have CTE and he can use his knees and. But let's be real. How great would Charlie of Ward been in the NFL? He was so undeniable on 3rd and long. It was. I've never felt that in my life. I feel two things, Charlie. Work incomplete on third and Long and my wife will never cheat on me. Those are two truths I know. And no matter what. Zazzle.

[Chris Cote]

Did you have something here for Bert?

[Dan Le Batard]

No.

[Chris Cote]

Okay, people, get your [e-mail]. was Burtbert.com not available?

[Mike Ryan]

What happened there?

[Dan Le Batard]

No, that's a dog. It was Burt. Burt was a dog. Burt wasn't. Was a real estate agent. And I tried to get diet Burt. I tried the white gorilla. I tried Green State. I tried Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert. I just, they figured four. Bert was ridiculous. Three really like Tora, Tora Torah.

[Chris Cote]

The touring lifestyle. Are you going to let go of that at all? I know that you love the standup, but you have all of these other things that are calling you and sometimes you might not exactly want to be flying to Minneapolis.

[Dan Le Batard]

I don't fly. I drive in a bus. I'm like John Madden. I love touring. I will never quit touring. Touring is more fun than being at home with my family, than sitting in Hawaii on the beach. Touring is the best. The lifestyle rocks. You're with your boys, it's like camp. Every night, everyone's drinking, giggling, falling asleep. You wake up, you have lunch, you find an activ activity do in said city. You take a nap, you work out, you go on stage, you drink, and you do it all over again. It is. Touring is during his Groundhog's Day, but with your favorite people in the world.

[Zas]

Bert, when's the last time you had a negative experience with someone in the, in the crowd?

[Dan Le Batard]

I don't know. Well, it's, I mean, that's not to, but it's like I'm in an arena, so it's like I'm a little distant. So like I don't really hear if someone's upset. I don't hear, oh, the last time, the last, like that is, that is. I'm in an arena, buddy.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm not playing small, I'm not playing little. Security's problem.

[Dan Le Batard]

Made eye contact in two years.

[Mike Ryan]

I can't hear their voices up there.

[Chris Cote]

I can't even see them from where it is that they're yelling. Never mind hear them.

[Dan Le Batard]

I don't know if even they're even there. So I, I, I, I'll tell you what the big problem you get in arenas is like, I did, I'm doing red rocks again. And you get complaints from the people. Like at the very, very top, they're like, I could barely see the show. And at a certain point you're like, you're like, yeah, that, that does suck. Like, why would I sell Tickets to that far away, to that person. That's the biggest complaint you get is the people that in the cheap seats are like, dude, I couldn't see anything.

[Chris Cote]

Because you like money, that's why.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yeah, yeah, listen, I got Rolexes to pay for guys. They don't pay for themselves.

[Zas]

And the wives, too.

[Dan Le Batard]

I got. My wrists are light, and if I don't hold them down with this stuff, I'm just a heavy boy.

[Chris Cote]

Dan, can you. Can you take us back through the journey? Take us from Red Rocks, for example, to what were the worst of the ven. Were playing when you couldn't have imagined the idea that you would be playing someplace like Red Rocks.

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, my God. I mean, dude. Dayton, Ohio, on a Thursday night with 35 people in the audience, and 25 of them don't want to be there. And you're just. And you. And that's when I started taking my shirt off because I was like, I'm miserable. I'm missing my family. This can't be the dream. $1300 and I'm paying half to the taxes I got to pay for my own flight, my own hotel. The only thing I'm getting free is Heineken. And I was like, I. And I was miserable. I mean, Miami. Miami was. Miami was one of the hardest clubs in the country. I remember going on stage and no. No one laughing to the point where I didn't think they spoke English. And I would try to make a joke about that. And they were like, I remember one time in Miami, I had to. I was like. I was bombing. And I was like, okay, I'm not certain everyone here is fluent in English. So what I want to do is I'm going to bring a black guy and a Cuban guy on stage. And can you just translate to your people and tell them what I'm saying? And they. And they were like, yeah. And I brought a black dude and a Cuban guy. And I said I was talking to a girl, and the black guy just looks at me and he goes, can a player get some conversation? And the place goes bananas, bananas. And then the Cuban guy just says it in Spanish. And then we talked about oral sex. And it was like. And it was like, completely white guided. Not translate to these guys. And so that. That was like a turning point in my career when I realized the gloves have to be off. You have to be up for anything. You can't. I mean, you can't have some set program ready to just regurgitate to an audience. You got to be, like, up for anything.

[Chris Cote]

How long ago was that?

[Dan Le Batard]

That was 19 years ago.

[Chris Cote]

All right, well, congratulations on all the success, sir. It looks like it's a good deal of fun to be you these days.

[Dan Le Batard]

That it's not bad being you, either.

[Chris Cote]

The Florida State experience, your best sports experience, because you've had a number of them here where you found yourself in some surreal positions with athletes. What comes closest to being the Florida State speech or beating it or being it.

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, even better than the speech. Directly after my shirt's off, Tom's teared up. He's like, that was one of the most amazing things. And Michael Alford comes up, this athletic director, and he goes, come on, let's go. And we're like, where are we going? And he walks us to the center of the field, right by the Seminole head. And Chief Osceola comes up on Renegade and spikes the burning spear feet from us. And Tommy looks at me, tears coming down his face, and he's like, this is the greatest day of my life. And I. I mean that. That. I'm getting chill bumps talking about it, but for any Seminole, you know that your first experience of watching that spear going into the 50 yard line is the. The roar, the power of that stadium. And then to be there shirtless on the 50 yard line with my best friend was something that I. I mean, I don't. I don't have memories like that with my wife or my children, you know, to be honest with you.

[Chris Cote]

Good seeing you, Bert. I always remember that Cortez Kennedy had to be restrained from punching the horse. Thank you. Good seeing you, sir.

[Dan Le Batard]

I love you, brother. Thank you so much.