Hour 3: The Newspaper Machine (feat. Amin Elhassan)

Summary

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The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz — Hour 3: The Newspaper Machine (feat. Amin Elhassan)

Date: April 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

This special episode marks the debut of a new format for the show’s third hour, streamlining previous segments like the “Big SUEY” into a single, unified block. The main thrust of the hour, however, is a comedic yet sobering exploration of generational change, centered on Dan Le Batard’s fruitless quest to find a physical Sunday newspaper in Miami. The conversation quickly expands into the disappearance of old technologies, the sadness of lost rituals, Giannis drama in Milwaukee, and a host of pop-culture and sports hot takes. Amin Elhassan joins for his signature “Weekend Observations,” and the crew orchestrates a real-time, increasingly desperate citywide hunt for a newspaper and a payphone.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Retiring of the Big SUEY (01:43–03:11)

• Main Idea: Introduction of the new show structure after retiring the “Big SUEY” segment.
• Dan remarks on feeling “disoriented” by the change and questions whether anyone will miss the old format.
  • “I don’t know how many people will miss the Big Suey. I don’t know how much nostalgia there will be…” (01:43)
• Tony points out that many may only miss the rotating intros, though that hadn’t actually changed in years.

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2. Grieving, Nostalgia, and the Hunt for a Newspaper (03:11–16:30)

• Trigger: Dan shares personal sorrow—the sudden loss of his wife’s family member—and the family's request for a printed obituary.
• The crew dives into Dan’s odyssey to fulfill that request, failing at multiple gas stations and a grocery store, where young employees don’t even recognize the word “newspaper.”
• Quote:
  • “If I send you guys out to get a newspaper right now, do you think you can do it?” — Dan (04:20)
  • “At two of the places…people didn’t know what I was asking for.” — Dan (05:05)
• Discussions:
  • The extinction of newspaper vending machines (“machines,” “racks,” or “dispensers”)—and what to actually call the things.
  • Generational disconnects: young people unfamiliar with coins ("nickel") or newspapers.
  • Quote:
    • “I cannot be aging at this rate of speed that people don’t know the things I’m talking about, as if I’m asking them to read hieroglyphics on a cave.” — Dan (10:05)

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3. Aging, Obsolescence, and Rituals (10:37–13:08)

• Stories are shared about how newspapers were once beloved daily rituals—kids asking, “What is that?” when shown a Sunday paper.
• Notable Story:
  • Dan tells of a friend's 10-year-old who, upon seeing the newspaper, asks: “How did it get here?” and is baffled by the notion of a paperboy slinging “yesterday’s news in the bushes.” (11:00–12:41)
• Quote:
  • “The kid asked the great follow-up question of, how did it get here?” — Dan (12:03)

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4. The Live Newspaper/Payphone Hunt (16:01–19:19)

• Mike Ryan is dispatched live to search nearby hotels and shops for a Miami Herald.
• The group speculates—often in disbelief—about how far one would have to go in Miami to find either a physical newspaper or a functioning payphone.
• Paywalls: The frustration of digital news, which is supposedly “free,” being locked down by paywalls—further complicating the quest for an obituary.

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5. NBA Drama: Giannis and the Bucks (19:19–25:32)

• Cutaways to sports: Zaslo and Amin unpack the rift between Giannis Antetokounmpo and the Milwaukee Bucks:
  • Giannis claims he wants to play, but the team won’t clear him.
  • Bucks allegedly tanking for draft leverage.
  • Quote:
    • "Someone is lying here... The interesting part is, this is the divorce. This is the ugly divorce." — Sports Analyst (21:10)
  • Amin reveals inside info: Giannis is deeply upset to be sidelined, especially as his youngest brother makes his Bucks debut.

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6. Amin’s Weekend Observations (28:03–39:39)

• Amin launches into fast-paced, satirical observations on the sports weekend.
  • Celebrates NBA action over college basketball (“Get this sorry ass college basketball off my TV because the NBA is back.” — Amin, 28:10).
  • Jokes about awkward Hall of Fame/narrative turns for Doc Rivers and others.
  • Observations on brands tiptoeing around “March Madness” trademarks.
  • Quote:
    • “Never in the history of mankind has a dude standing on a street corner with a megaphone successfully converted anyone to their religion. You know who does love to see that? Big megaphone sales through the roof.” — Amin (31:28)
  • Comedic jabs at LeBron hating Cleveland/Memphis, confusing headlines, and lost rituals.
  • Notable Gag: Mike interrupts periodically with location updates, each time failing to find a newspaper or payphone (29:27, 35:31).

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7. Generational Gaps and Obscure NBA Trivia (41:00–43:43)

• Zaslo quizzes the crew on obscure NBA players (“Who He Play For?”), highlighting the disconnect even among sports media veterans.
• Comic relief as Mike returns, not with a newspaper, but having found a Miami street penis mural, a dead pigeon, and a key-copying machine before ever finding a Sunday paper or payphone.
  • “I found a dead pigeon on the street before I found a payphone.” — Mike Ryan (42:58)
  • “I’m sad. I’m sad.” — Dan (43:13, echoing Brad Underwood's earlier quote and the theme of modern loss).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Newspaper Obsolescence:

  • “People didn’t know what I was asking for.” — Dan Le Batard (05:05)
  • “I was that stunned by it…as if I’m asking them to read hieroglyphics on a cave.” — Dan (10:05)
  • “Some kid on a bicycle threw it in…yesterday’s news in the bushes and they charged me $3 for it. When I can get it free on the Internet. Why did that business fail?” — Dan (11:40)

• On Rituals and Technology:

  • “Two people working at the gas stations didn’t know what I was asking for... didn’t understand what a newspaper is.” — Dan (08:55)
  • “How did it get here?” — 10-year-old (relayed by Dan, 12:03)

• On Giannis Milwaukee drama:

  • “Someone is lying here...this is the ugly divorce.” — Sports Analyst (21:10)
  • “They exhibit the behaviors of liars, though…” — Amin (24:23)

• Live Hunt Comedy:

  • “I found a dead pigeon on the street before I found a payphone.” — Mike Ryan (42:58)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:43: Dan introduces new show structure and reflects on retiring “Big SUEY”
• 03:48: Sadness—Brad Underwood soundbite segues into Dan’s personal story
• 04:20–13:08: The hunt for a newspaper; stories about newspaper rituals and obsolescence
• 16:01–19:19: Mike embarks on his live search for a newspaper and a payphone, with check-ins throughout
• 19:19–25:08: NBA: Giannis-Bucks saga dissected by Amin and crew
• 28:03–39:39: Amin’s Weekend Observations—sports, pop-culture, rapid-fire comedy
• 41:00–43:43: “Who He Play For?” NBA trivia, Mike returns with urban artifacts, not newspapers

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Recurring Themes & Overall Tone

• Nostalgia & Loss: The episode is suffused with a sense of mourning—not only for personal loss, but for old routines (like buying a Sunday newspaper), technological artifacts (payphones, coinage), and the march of time.
• Generational Divide: The inability of young staffers to recognize newspapers or nickels becomes a symbol for larger cultural shifts.
• Comic Absurdity: Even as Dan laments loss, the futile hunt for print media is mined for escalating, self-aware physical comedy—dead pigeons, phallic graffiti, and all.
• Biting Satire: Amin’s observations and the entire live “quest” needle both the sports-industrial complex and broader changes in American society.

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Summary of the Central Bit

Dan’s attempt to honor his family’s grieving ritual by procuring a physical newspaper in 2026 Miami ends in comic futility, as neither gas stations, bodegas, nor hotels stock papers anymore—and young workers no longer even know what a newspaper is. Meanwhile, the crew’s live manhunt for a Miami Herald becomes a running gag that encapsulates both the sadness and humor of a vanishing world.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

• You’ll get a window into how quickly analog rituals can vanish—in this case, the simple act of buying a newspaper.
• The hour is classic “Le Batard Show”: a blend of personal storytelling, generational angst, live urban absurdism, sports insights, and relentless in-studio banter.
• If you like comedy rooted in cultural change, spicy NBA takes, or meta-media commentary, this is an emblematic episode.

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Dan LeBatard]

the Dan Levatar show with the Stugats podcast. This feels totally different. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel disoriented. This is the first ever hour three of our program. We have now retired the Big SUI and we have simply the local hour, which is the first hour. Hour one, which is not the first hour. Hour one is the second hour. Hour two is the third hour. Hour three is the fourth hour. And then the post game is what comes after all of that. So this is all going to be in one place for you and you will be able to find it nice and clean. I don't know how many people will miss the Big Suey. I don't know how much nostalgia there will be for the Big. It looks like ZSAS doesn't care at all. It doesn't look like he's emotional in any way whatsoever. He doesn't sound nearly as sad as Illinois coach Brad Underwood, whose sound we're going to get to in a second because I am the Harvester of Sorrow. You have no emotions about this whatsoever. No attachment whatsoever to the big SIOUI noz.

[Amin]

No.

[Tony]

One thing is certain people are going to miss the rotating opens that the Big Sui had.

[Dan LeBatard]

Are they going to miss anything else or is that going to be the only thing?

[Tony]

There are no rotating opens. It's been the same one for like six years. So big felt like the EP would have gotten around to it at some point, but now we just like, you

[Zaslo]

know, we powered through.

[Tony]

This works.

[Dan LeBatard]

Let me get to this sound of Illinois coach Brian Dan finally Underwood, because, yeah, you know, I'm the harvester of. Sorry.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

I heard this and I was like, man, would Dan love this sound.

[Dan LeBatard]

Well, I'm going to. I'm going to come back to tell you a doubly sad story on the end of this. So if you want to just fast forward through a little bit of the debut voyage of hour three, I suggest that you do that now if you don't want just, you know, two or three minutes of sadness and we'll get back to the hijinks in a second. But let's start with Brad Underwood being sad.

[Brad Underwood]

I feel sad. I'm sad. If you want to know the truth, I'm sad. But I'll reflect on some of the other stuff. Later seasons coming to an end stink. Because I'm going to steal a quote from Kelvin Sampson. They may not be a biggest part of. I may not be as big a part of their life, but they are my life. And. And I'm sad.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

I'm sad I was picturing you rubbing your nipples listening to that word for

[Tony]

word quote me in the parking lot after the national championship game.

[Dan LeBatard]

He regrets the way all of that came out. He didn't say that the way that he wanted to say that. He wanted to steal that feeling. I know the feeling and be graceful about it, but I had a rough weekend for a variety of different reasons. My wife has lost a family member, and that's always hard. It's especially hard when it is sudden. And the family sent me out this week, and I'm sorry to laugh, but I'm genuinely curious. If I send you guys out to get a newspaper right now, do you think you can do it? Do you think you can find a way to physically get a newspaper?

[Sports Analyst]

I'd go to a gas station.

[Tony]

Yeah, there's a 7 11. Like reasonable walking distance. That's where I'd go.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay. Because the reason I bring this up is because the family wanted the obituary and sent me out to get a newspaper. And I come from newspapers and I went to two gas stations and a grocery store and at two of the places. Not joking when I say this. People didn't know what I was asking for.

[Tony]

That is crazy.

[Mike Ryan]

That is.

[Tony]

That is the gold standard. Like if you were. If we were playing Family Feud, number one answer on the board is probably gas station. I guess. I guess my next move would be, well, if I can't count on gas stations, do I go to a Barnes and Noble?

[Chelsea Reynolds]

I was just gonna say that. Barnes and Noble.

[Tony]

Where is it on the board? Survey says, do we still have the

[Zaslo]

things like on the side of the street that you'd put like a quarter

[Sports Analyst]

in the newspaper machine?

[Amin]

Yeah.

[Zaslo]

You like. You like squeeze in the middle.

[Tony]

Those are not around anymore.

[Sports Analyst]

I used to like that because it was. It was like an honor system you were working.

[Zaslo]

You take a couple of them.

[Tony]

Right. The last time I saw sometimes were during the Vancouver riots after the Canucks lost.

[Dan LeBatard]

Is it called a newspaper machine? Is that what it's called?

[Amin]

Yeah, why not?

[Tony]

Dispenser vendor. That's a good one. Not machine.

[Dan LeBatard]

I don't think it's a newspaper machine. Because it's not a machine. It's not. It doesn't do anything. A machine. It's not. There's a portion of the audience that may have. No. Is it possible that they have no idea what I'm talking. What Zaz is trying to talk about there when he calls something. That's a machine. Not. It's not a machine.

[Sports Analyst]

That is.

[Dan LeBatard]

It's as a vestibule says it's not a machine.

[Sports Analyst]

No one's calling it a vestibule, I'll tell you that.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

What do you know at Dumb and Dumber? Jim Carrey with a big cowboy hat on, dropping his keys in there.

[Tony]

Yeah, it's one of the best scenes with the newspaper machine.

[Dan LeBatard]

A machine has to have a computer console. It has to have some mechanics. This is just. This is a metal box. It's not a. It's not a.

[Zaslo]

Like a quarter slot. And then it lets you squeeze its thing and. You know what I mean, Dan? You know what I'm talking about. You squeeze it right in the nipples. Like.

[Tony]

Don't need. Most machines don't need to have a computer element to it.

[Dan LeBatard]

A vending machine has an element of transaction in it that is either numerical or computerized.

[Sleepscore Advertiser]

G8.

[Dan LeBatard]

Dropping. Dropping a quarter into a slot does not make something a machine. I don't think. I don't know what this would be called, but I don't think newspaper. That's a machine. That's the one guy, right? Yeah.

[Sports Analyst]

That's a look at machine. Look at that beauty.

[Tony]

Wikipedia entry for it. Official name newspaper vending machine.

[Sports Analyst]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony]

Or newspaper rack, which explains Tony's nipple thing.

[Zaslo]

Thank you. Proven right.

[Dan LeBatard]

We should give that as a challenge to somebody around here to see how quickly they can find a newspaper because

[Tony]

did you end up finding one?

[Mike Ryan]

No.

[Dan LeBatard]

I was startled. I quit after three. I went to a Winn Dixie and to two gas stations.

[Tony]

Did you try buying an airline ticket and going to the lounge? Because I would see you do that as like, all right, this is the only way that I can solve this problem. I'm gonna spend $600 on a flight to New Orleans, not actually board it, but I need to get this newspaper from the lounge.

[Dan LeBatard]

I quit after three efforts.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

And by quit, you meant text to your assistant.

[Dan LeBatard]

No, I never got it. Never did.

[Zaslo]

So the family who's grieving wanted the obituary. You said, sorry, didn't get it.

[Sports Analyst]

The newspaper man came back and said, I don't know.

[Dan LeBatard]

Hence my sadness. Like, there's the death portion of it. That made me sad. I was surrounded by sadness. And then on top of that, the newspaper man was a failure. Going to three places. You know, the last time I was in Winn Dixie, going to three places.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Hotel might have been your best bet because you live on.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tony]

You think if I go downstairs here at the ulcer right now?

[Chelsea Reynolds]

I think so.

[Tony]

And I asked for a newspaper, I'm

[TurboTax Advertiser]

going to try it.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay, let's see if. Let's see if.

[Sports Analyst]

I bet you come back one.

[Dan LeBatard]

Let's see if Mike Ryan can take the over. But take the camera crew with you, though.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Camera crew with you.

[Dan LeBatard]

Take. Take a crew with you. Don't just come back with the newspaper. I think, though, that you guys, I just. Again, the part that I want to bring up to you guys, and I'm not making this up, okay. Two people working at the gas stations didn't know what I was asking for. Didn't understand what a newspaper is.

[Amin]

Is.

[Sports Analyst]

That doesn't even. It really doesn't make sense. I'm not saying that you're lying, but, like, what was the age? How is that even believable?

[Zaslo]

Young people.

[Dan LeBatard]

No, young people. And young people who weren't great at English either, Like, young people.

[Sports Analyst]

You're speaking to them in Spanish.

[Dan LeBatard]

Yes, I was. Well, I had to. When I said newspaper, they didn't understand what I was saying. And when I said one of them did not understand what I was saying.

[Sports Analyst]

So there is actually. I understand newspapers are Not a big thing anymore. I get it. But you're telling me there is an age of people in our society now that literally doesn't know what a newspaper is.

[TurboTax Advertiser]

Low.

[Dan LeBatard]

I told you, I'm going to say three months ago that I was in a place where somebody held up a nickel to me here in Miami and said to me, how much is this one worth?

[Sports Analyst]

Come on, come on.

[Dan LeBatard]

I'm not making it up. I can make it up. Like the reason I can't make it up is because I was that stunned by it. Like I'm looking at the person and I'm like that I cannot be aging at this rate of speed that people don't know the things I'm talking about as if I'm, as if I'm asking them to read hieroglyphics on a cave. Like it is, it is startling.

[Zaslo]

It would have been better if you walked in with a chicken, a live chicken had been like here, how much can this get me? And then they're like, I don't know, a coffee.

[Dan LeBatard]

The part about this that was also something that made me sad is it's the Sunday paper. It's the big one. I'm not asking on, well, it's not big anymore. But I'm not asking for the Wednesday, I'm not asking for the Friday. I'm asking for something that I assume other people have come through here and asked for. But now that you think about it like I've been reading recently, I think Atlanta and Chicago have stopped print editions of the newspaper. There is no reason to do this anymore. But when I speak of the age of that this would happen at the story I've told before because it's such a great story. It's funny and sad. Is a friend of mine who is my age who I went to college with still demands on reading the physical copy of the Sunday paper. And his 10 year old boy came into the house with his 10 year old friend who asked my friend Barry asked him while he's holding up the paper at the breakfast table on, on a Sunday morning, what is that? That's not the funny part of the story. When he explained to the kid it's a retelling of the day's events from, from yesterday that they inform you with daily. The kid asked the great follow up question of how did it get here? And the story that you then tell is some kid on a bicycle threw it in my kid your age, yesterday's news in the bushes and they charged me $3 for it. When I can get it free on the Internet. Why did that business fail?

[Brad Underwood]

I feel sad.

[Dan LeBatard]

That's what happened to me yesterday.

[Zaslo]

Throwing it into the bushes is such a great detail too, because it's never like the kids ever throw like a sidearm right to your front door. It's always some place that it's like really hard to get the sprinklers hit it. It's such a terrible, terrible idea.

[Dan LeBatard]

Such a great question from a 10 year old, though. How did it get here? So yesterday's information was dropped from the beyond into your bushes and it caused dollars for this. It might be more now. Roy, can you look up for me please, how much the Sunday newspaper now costs? Because it might actually be more than $3.

[Tony]

Hello, listeners and friends. Boy, the feedback on that night that I had with my good friend Mo Chedda while we were drinking Miller Lights watching hoops, it's been outstanding. So much so that we've decided to do it again. That's right. I'm gonna pick up the phone and call up my good buddy Mochetta and say, hey, this college hoops tournament is still roaring. Why don't you come over and on your way over, pick up some Miller Lite anywhere they sell beer and let's put those bad boys on ice. I'm gonna take that first sip, I'm gonna look at Mochetta and say, you know what? We made the right call. Next thing you know, we'll be fully locked in. Somebody's pacing. Someone else is doing their live bracket math like it's a job. That's why you reach for Miller Light. Just 96 calories and 3.2 carbs. The original light beer since 1975. And it still hits different cheers to legendary moments with Miller Lite. Great taste. 96 calories. Go to millerlight.com dan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. It's Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Co. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Hey, Roy, buddy, you know that energy shift when the game gets good and everybody all together in unison knows to stand up on their feet?

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[Tony]

Mike.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tony]

You've been at many big time sporting events. You know that moment quite well. That's what it's like when you take your first sip of Cuervo.

[TurboTax Advertiser]

Oh, delicious.

[Tony]

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[Dan LeBatard]

Don LeBatard. But it's just his titties are sitting on the shelf. That is his belly stuff.

[Tony]

Titties, like, shocked me a little bit. I wasn't quite prepared for titties.

[Dan LeBatard]

This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugach. Are we going to check in? Is Mike Ryan ready to be checked in with as he does his live hunt for a newspaper? Let's see if he can do this a lot easier. I would assume it's a lot easier at a hotel. Let's see what Mike's got. Mike, you're checking in from the lobby of the luxurious elser.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to the front desk right now. Hey, how's it going? Hey, I'm just curious, do you have a newspaper? Florida? Not a newspaper in Florida. I mean, do you have access to a newspaper right now? Like if someone asks, hey, can I have today's paper? Do you have it? All right, all right. Well, that's it. That. Thank you very much. No newspaper here. The response when I asked for a newspaper, hey, do you guys have a newspaper here? Was, you mean in Florida? So that was the answer.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay, good work, Mike. If you want to keep searching, we can check in with you. All over. Because I. Oh, do you want me

[Mike Ryan]

to go to the 7 11?

[Dan LeBatard]

That 7 11's gotta have one, right?

[Sports Analyst]

I'll bet they have a machine.

[Dan LeBatard]

I know there are no machines. There can't be any more newspaper vending machines. That can't be a thing. Rack. Are there any new. Are there any payphones anymore? Are there still payphones anywhere working functionally?

[Zaslo]

There's the box across the street. The skeleton of a payphone across the street. But there's no phone.

[Dan LeBatard]

It's just the bones.

[Zaslo]

It's just the bones of it.

[Dan LeBatard]

It's the rem.

[Zaslo]

The remains right across Biscayne.

[Mike Ryan]

Right there.

[Zaslo]

Yeah.

[Dan LeBatard]

So where. If I sent any one of you out right now and said I need you to go and find me a dial tone on a payphone, how far do you think you would have to go before you found a working, not the remains of a payphone?

[Chelsea Reynolds]

That's because like on our walk to our parking garage, there's what used to be a payphone.

[Zaslo]

Like Steve Martin also said, that remains we.

[TurboTax Advertiser]

Steve Martin Skeleton 299 for a Sunday Miami hero.

[Sports Analyst]

That's not bad.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay, but you could get yesterday's.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm trying to find a payphone. I'm going to try to find a payphone at the college campus. We have Miami Dade College over here. That would be my first guess as to like, if any place has a public pay phone, it would be a campus.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay. It would be great if somehow we managed to find both a payphone and a newspaper here.

[Zaslo]

They're zooming in right now on the. On the TV broadcast. They're zooming in on where the bones of said payphone live, which is right there between the palm trees.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

In between those two palm trees, you can see there used to be a

[Dan LeBatard]

payphone again, though the industry collapsed because for 299, we'll throw yesterday's news wet in your bushes on a rainy day. Or you could just go to your computer and do it for free. Cuz none of you are doing the paywalls. As soon as we hit you with a paywall, I sent the family members the obit for the Miami Herald, which hit them with a paywall. And they bailed on it. They were like, no, we're not doing this. It's a paywall.

[Zaslo]

I'm not 27 bucks a month.

[Tony]

You just said, go to your computer. You're 1,000 years old.

[Zaslo]

You get out of your phone, you do it. All right, I'm back on him today as a fossil. He's all right,

[Dan LeBatard]

Zaslo, can you explain to me as close to the truth as you can find what is happening with the Milwaukee Bucks and Giannis Antetokounmpo? Just keep Mike in picture in picture and just have him in picture and picture. So we will check in with him whenever it is we can get new information or a triumph of him finding either a payphone or a newspaper. But what can you tell me is factual about the Giannis situation with the Bucks as the NBA is now investigating?

[Sports Analyst]

Yeah, the NBA is investigating what's going on in Milwaukee because. And here's this tweet from Shams Charania. Both Antetokounmpo and the Bucs have told league investigators different stories. Milwaukee informed the NBA. It doesn't believe Giannis is ready and actually wants to play. Giannis informed the NBA he wants to play, but the team will not medically clear him. And this also goes back to the claim from a few days ago that the Bucks wanted him to participate in three on three practice, you know, part of the return to play process. And that Giannis refused. Giannis is saying he wants to play and the team won't clear him. So someone is lying here. And just. I guess the interesting part is this. This is the divorce. This is the ugly divorce. Giannis refuses to come out and say, I don't want to be in Milwaukee anymore. But for whatever reason, for a team that is missing the playoffs, the hill that he wants to die on is, I want to play in the final five games of the season. Like, it's kind of ridiculous. They're very clearly going to divorce this off season.

[Zaslo]

The whole thing has been a dog and pony show from the jump this entire year. Right? Because we knew that it was a lame duck year for Giannis. We knew something had to happen with Milwaukee. They didn't do it at the trade deadline. They had the, the back and forth of, oh, we're going to trade them or we're not going to trade him. And then he comes out on his own social media with the Jordan Belfort meme of like, I'm not effing leaving, said, I'm going to recruit stars here. Then you don't do it. And then you complain about it. Like, what are we, what are we talking about?

[Dan LeBatard]

Mike Ryan. What is that giant bull. I have seen that on the corner of that. That's been there for a while. Is that an art exhibit? What's going on there?

[Mike Ryan]

That's a crypto bull. I think Francis Suarez put that here. Crypto ball.

[Zaslo]

The Eyes.

[Mike Ryan]

Keep looking. I thought for sure I was going to find a newspaper dispenser or a payphone around this coffee shop on campus, but it doesn't appear so. So now I'm going to cut through the other building in campus and head straight to a 7:11. That one's got to have a newspaper.

[Dan LeBatard]

All right, so we found a crypto bull before we found a newspaper.

[Zaslo]

I know where he can find a payphone if he walks another 20ft the opposite direction. The federal courthouse and the federal jail. You can go there.

[Dan LeBatard]

Ooh, I bet you there would be a payphone there. And, yeah, he'd have to get it. He'd do it the way that I would go to the airport to get a newspaper. Just go ahead and get jailed, Mike, and see if you can have your one phone call from a pay phone, and then you will have succeeded. We will check in with Mike Ryan when he succeeds here, but we're going to throw Amin's weekend observations at this as well. But before we start those weekend observations, Amin, what are your thoughts here on what it is that Zaz was just saying? Who's telling the truth on this Giannis thing? It can't be both of them.

[Amin]

Yeah, I talked to Eric, name of the athletic. He covers the Milwaukee Bucks, and he was telling me, look, man, Giannis, when they were. They called him not ready. He would go through these intense pregame workouts in front of everybody, and it'd be just the craziest stuff. He's doing windmills. He's. He's planting off of the supposed bad leg. Planting hard cuts and stops and all that. He's fine. We all know what's happening here. The Bucks, this year, they get the least favorable two picks. One from New Orleans that goes to Atlanta, and the one of theirs, so obviously New Orleans doing worse. Milwaukee keeps their pick. It would be an incredible, incredibly great chip for them to have in order to move forward, either with a rebuild or to trade away to get Giannis some help. But in order to do that, you're gonna have to make sure that Giannis doesn't play. Giannis, on the other hand, crazy, crazy competitor wants to play, still believes until the day that they're mathematically eliminated that they still have not only a shot, but a shot to. To make a run all the way. But the big thing, the straw that may have broken the proverbial camel's back. Eric. Name said Alex Antetokounmpo, Giannis's youngest brother, who was 11 years old when Giannis moved to Milwaukee. Grew up in Milwaukee. His father passed away obviously very young. So Giannis has kind of been his father figure throughout his life. Alex finally is going to make his debut and when it happens, Giannis is on the inactive list. And that didn't sit well with Giannis at all. He wanted to be there on the floor with both of his brothers playing and to be shut down for reasons other than immediate success. I think that probably also chafed him the wrong way.

[Dan LeBatard]

So the book, the Bucks are lying.

[Amin]

I don't call anybody liars, Dan. I say they exhibit the behaviors of liars, though. But again, they're doing what every other NBA team, well, excuse me, almost every other NBA team would do in the same scenario, which is, hey, this is the time you circle the wagons. We don't control our picks moving forward. This is a year where we know where we pick is probably going to be our pick. We've got an opportunity. We're already out of it by a lot. This guy obviously changes the math on how much of a chance we have to win games. It's best the strategy says, the book says sit them down. The problem is you don't have buy in from your player in order to have them sat down. Which is why I go back to this whole 65 game rule thing. Guys, it is not a player decision, it's an organizational decision.

[Dan LeBatard]

I mean, we will get to your weekend observations in a second. Mike, you found a newspaper, but it was the student newspaper. Your assignment is the Miami Herald. You, you have failed so far.

[Mike Ryan]

So far I failed. I did find a newspaper, hard copy, but it was a suit of newspaper. I did find a machine, but it was one of those uber delivery machines and. But now I'm on the the street corner with the 7 11, so I should have an answer here real soon.

[Amin]

Folks, listen up.

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[Tony]

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[Tony]

Don LeBatard, you're getting started on the Breakfast flan.

[Amin]

Oh man, I've been singing a song to myself all morning long. Breakfast flan stewgats. Have you never heard the Breakfast Flan song?

[Tony]

Hit me with it.

[Amin]

Okay? I wish I had some breakfast flan. Breakfast flan. Where can I find a breakfast like that?

[Dan LeBatard]

This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugach. All right, so this will interrupt the weekend observations. But let's start the weekend observations in a mean we will have to respectfully and triumphantly stop the weekend observations if Mike Ryan does indeed find either a payphone or a newspaper. Let's start Amin's weekend observations.

[Amin]

Godspeed.

[Dan LeBatard]

It is time for Amin to share his game notes. No one in the media will tell you what happened better than my voice.

[Amin]

Amin Weekend Observations is brought to you by Miller Light Legendary Moments. Start with the Light Dan calendar flip. March is over and April is upon us. Which can only mean get this sorry ass college basketball off my TV because the NBA is back. What a weekend. Jokic vs. WEMBY. Heat it up in a spoon and inject it into my veins. Death vs KD. Cop it up at the fine powdered lines and let me snort it. Will Riley vs. Nolan Trowery shove an enem up by ass. Wait a second now. That one's a typo. Never mind that one. All right. Who you play for exactly? Both of them. Dusty May. Just change his name to May. Win it all. Danny Hurley should Change his name to Hurl. Leave it all on the floor, Hurley. But all on the floor. Congratulations to Doc Rivers. Okay. All right. I earned that one. By the way. Dan, this is off topic. I dropped the dad joke so bad I was met with outright hostility this weekend by my kids.

[Dan LeBatard]

Hold on a second. I mean, Mike ryan. Nothing at 7:11. Are you kidding me? Mike, Are you kidding me?

[Mike Ryan]

Nothing at 7:11. I even found a machine that can make you a hard copy key before I found a newspaper.

[Dan LeBatard]

Pick up the most random thing that you can find that you can find before. A newspaper key is pretty good. But see, just go through there and just hold up what you believe to be the single most random thing that you shouldn't be able to find before you find a newspaper.

[Mike Ryan]

The hard copy key maker is pretty good. I can't pick it up, but like, that's pretty crazy.

[Dan LeBatard]

You're right.

[Amin]

I remember keys. They used to use them in the bathroom, right? No, just me.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay, keep going. Amin.

[Amin]

That one was not a loser game show sound. That was a pretty good one. Congratulations to Doc Rivers for being named a whole a Naismith hall of Fame coach on the same weekend. There are reports that you're gonna get fired. That's never happened before, right?

[Dan LeBatard]

The Islanders.

[Amin]

It's official.

[Dan LeBatard]

The Islanders just fired their coach four days before the playoffs.

[Sports Analyst]

Patrick Wa.

[Amin]

That one's happened before. Mike Malone got fired. Four games left in the in the season last year. I'm talking about congratulations. You've made it to the hall of Fame as a coach and also hit the bricks. Congrats to Mike d' Antoni and Amari Stoudemire for being named hall of Famers. I often said if I had the same exact NBA front office career during the same years with the same titles from video room to assistant director of basketball ops, but for the Charlotte Bobcats, I would not be here right now. Quick recap of hall of Famers I work for and with in Phoenix. Gary Colangelo, Mike Dantoni, Steve Nash, Grant Hill, Shaquille o', Neal, Amari Satomar, Vince Carter, Rick Welts and Steve Kerr. You're on the winners on the. On the on deck circle. Excuse me.

[Dan LeBatard]

The winner's circle.

[Amin]

Why not? Dan? There's nothing I love more than seeing brands tiptoe around proprietary terms like March Madness. Think things instead. Like March insanity, March craziness, and March frenzy. I saw an ad last week to catch all the mentally ill third month of the calendar action and I knew we've gone too far. Speaking of mentally Ill date and Ivey preaching on a street corner with a megaphone and a big sign with a lot of words on it. Never in the history of mankind has a dude standing on a street corner with a megaphone successfully converted anyone to their religion. You know who does love to see that? Big megaphone sales through the roof. I checked megaphones dot com. It's real. No one's paying attention. Mike, find that paper, please.

[Dan LeBatard]

We're listening. We are listening to you.

[Amin]

You're listening like I'm fdr.

[Dan LeBatard]

No, listen. I'm listening to you because.

[Zaslo]

Keep going.

[Dan LeBatard]

I mean the big megaphone. Joan, I was thinking of putting you in the third Hat trick Loser Game show hall of Fame. Like, I was thinking of hitting you a third time, and I didn't want to show a lack of support. So then you called out my lack of support because I'm just not laughing at your bad jokes.

[Amin]

I'm just trying to get the three time belt. Championship time belt.

[Zaslo]

What are you doing?

[Dan LeBatard]

He just whispered to me while you were talking. He says every mistake he makes, you're drowning.

[Zaslo]

Why are you grabbing me?

[Dan LeBatard]

He just said to me. He just said to me while you were talking, every mistake. Mistake he makes exonerates me.

[Zaslo]

I did say that.

[Amin]

That's why, Tony. That's why I told you.

[Zaslo]

The pool and Amid's drowning.

[Dan LeBatard]

He's trying to grab my leg and. Hey, get out of here.

[Zaslo]

Miss me yet? No.

[Amin]

New season of bar rescue and we've got you covered at. Here's the Science of Bar Rescue podcast. This is a real podcast because I had someone come up to me the other day. It's like, do you guys do a bar rescue podcast? Because I think I heard something about our Leviton show. Like, yes. I've been promoting it for, like, three months now. Every week. Here's the Science of Bar Rescue podcast. We have real hosts. Real life bar restaurant consultant Chelsea Reynolds. She does this for a living. Commercial kitchen and food truck vet Colin Cassard. He does this for a living. And two guys who have stumbled drunkenly on their way to a bar, past a guy on the street corner with a megaphone screaming about God, that's me and Zach Harper. We do that kind of for a living. Wherever you get podcasts, Giannis either demand the trade or don't. Man, think of this, Pope Leo. You're a real one. LeBron James in Hot water because he said Memphis was his least favorite road destination. The paraphrase, the great Joe Kim Noah. I never heard anyone say, I'm going to Memphis. On vacation. Daz, you like going to Memphis? That's. That's your. That's your joint?

[Sports Analyst]

Nope.

[Amin]

You be hitting up Memphis a lot?

[Sports Analyst]

Nope.

[Amin]

Okay.

[Sports Analyst]

Not calling for them to lose their pro sports team either.

[Zaslo]

Are you gonna speak for black people?

[Sports Analyst]

Why?

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Why?

[Sports Analyst]

Because it sucks for the fans.

[Amin]

How many fans? They got their worst in attendance every year.

[Sports Analyst]

But how does it affect me if they have a team, let them have a team.

[Dan LeBatard]

Why load up?

[Mike Ryan]

Why?

[Amin]

How does it affect you if they don't have a team?

[Sports Analyst]

Because it makes people sad if they

[Amin]

don't have a team, it makes me sad. How about that makes LeBron sad too? I love how people try to clap back by saying, oh, what about Cleveland? He's like, I don't like going home either. Which finally exonerates me for years. Again, hate on espn, on sports station, and the jump where people like, how dare he say this about Cleveland? Nobody likes going to Cleveland, man. Not even the Cleveland people.

[Dan LeBatard]

I mean. Hold on a second. Let's check in with Mike. Mike, where are you now? And are you any more confident than you were before?

[Mike Ryan]

No, Dan, I'm shocked at how challenging this is. I've gone to two hotels, two bodegas, and now I'm in a cbs. No newspapers, and certainly no public pay phones, but I'll keep looking.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Damn, I thought that was a Walgreens.

[Amin]

There's a ton of pay phones, by the way, everywhere downtown. They're gross, but they're there.

[Dan LeBatard]

Okay, we're not able to find any, and Mike is continuing his hunt, but please give mean his music so that he can continue.

[Amin]

Cooper, flag that strong late push for rookie of the year. Tony, your guy Con canipple is up out of here, man. He's no longer the favorite.

[Zaslo]

I mean, you want to do points? Yeah. Okay, great. He's got a lot of points. Con was playing like a savvy veteran.

[TurboTax Advertiser]

All right.

[Amin]

Sounded like Zaz. He's got him points. Donovan Mitchell said he's okay after an ankle issue near the end of the game. Someone should ask the two pacers he crossed up after the ankle issues they had in the middle of the game. Guys see that?

[Dan LeBatard]

Yep.

[Amin]

He crossed up two guys at the same time. He broke two sets of ankles at once with one crossover. J. Cole dying to play with Nanjing in the Chinese basketball Association. Thanks for the heads up, guys. I walked around telling everyone to check the date because it's April 1st. Like, come on, guys. Yeah, you can't fall for this every time. I'm gonna find out he's actually There. Women's March Madness. One blowout after another.

[Dan LeBatard]

It was bad. Bad tournament.

[Amin]

Bad tournament. Gino Arma, sore loser. Take your ass whooping and walk, man. Don Staley. Do it in the championship game. Deontay Wilder saying, I'm sorry. I love you, before knocking out Derek Chisora. I thought being in love meant never. Never having to say you're sorry. JJ Spawn beats the rain and the field to win the Texas Open. That's the exact type of headline. I like to sneak into weekend observations to pretend there's some variety to this. I have no idea who JJ Spawn is. I don't even know the gender. I don't even know the sport. I can't even be sure this was played at Texas USA or Tejas de Brazil. Patrick Roy got fired as Islanders coach. Isn't it funny when you don't know about a sport and you hear a famous name get fired. You automatically think the team up on that one. I have no idea. But like, it's Patrick Roy. You guys help me. You can do better. Patrick Wadella. The Angels. Arrested for grand theft larceny after their game versus the Mariners because he robbed three homeowners.

[Dan LeBatard]

The hat trick, ladies and gentlemen.

[Sports Analyst]

Yeah.

[Dan LeBatard]

Historic hat trick.

[Sports Analyst]

Congratulations, Tinapo.

[Amin]

Episode 305 Getting Even with dad. Starring Macaulay Culkin and Ted Danson. And the lady from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels to Steve Holman's favorite movie, I'm told.

[Dan LeBatard]

Another Dirty Rotten reference.

[Amin]

Macaulay got paid $8 million to do it in 1994. Think about that. You know what? It's crazy because whoever made the movie thought to themselves, house. I got the biggest TV star in Ted Danson. I got the biggest child actor in the world, Macaulay Culkin. We're printing money. They didn't count on one thing, though. Puberty. McAuley started to lose the childlike cuteness. Ms. Connection. You were the blonde with the long legs hurrying across the intersection. I was the guy with the megaphone screaming about how you're going to go to hell. Speaking of hell, Art Briles. Those are the weekend observations.

[Dan LeBatard]

Thank you, Amin. Let's just play for Amin, please. Just because he mentioned Joe Adele. The John Travolta. Also celebrating Joe Adele, the wickedly talented,

[Tony]

one and only Adele.

[Dan LeBatard]

Amin, thank you. Appreciate you being on the show. The Deontay Wilder thing we did not talk about. That was funny. Teddy Atlas says that's the biggest right hand there's been in the history of that sport. Him saying, I'm sorry. I love you. And then. Then knocking him through. Through the ring ropes.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Look at him trying to hold on.

[Sports Analyst]

Is he copying Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair?

[Amin]

I don't know. I think nobody watch wrestling like that except you nerds.

[Sports Analyst]

I don't know, man. It's pretty famous wrestling moment. I think he is copying him.

[Dan LeBatard]

I don't.

[Amin]

I've never. I've never heard of it.

[Dan LeBatard]

No, I know what. I know what he's talking about. But I also know that in the fighting sports, sometimes guys have so much respect for each other that that feeling swirls around in there when they feel bad for somebody.

[Zaslo]

Dan, before we let him eat, I want to see if he can. If he can judge a new game called who he played for, because he said. He said a name earlier, and we said who he Played for. So I came with a collection of guys in the NBA.

[Dan LeBatard]

He's gonna ace this.

[Zaslo]

That's why he's judging it with Zaz.

[Dan LeBatard]

He knows Will Riley plays for the Whiz.

[Zaslo]

Okay. All right, well, Riley, who he played for Zaz?

[Sports Analyst]

I. I don't know.

[Amin]

You know, Shawn Michaels.

[Dan LeBatard]

I just said it. How did you.

[Zaslo]

He did just say he plays for the Lizards. All right, Zaz with.

[Tony]

With.

[Zaslo]

Amina's your judge. Who does Micah Potter play for?

[Sports Analyst]

You don't know this Micah Potter?

[Zaslo]

He owned the Heat.

[Dan LeBatard]

I mean, he scored a bunch yesterday.

[Sports Analyst]

Raptors.

[Zaslo]

He had 2112 against Cleveland for the Indiana Pacers.

[Amin]

And two broken ankles because Donovan.

[Dan LeBatard]

Miss.

[Amin]

Those are two of the ankles. He took one crossover.

[Dan LeBatard]

Yeah.

[Zaslo]

Zaz, who does Bryce Sensible play for?

[Amin]

Come on. That's an easy one.

[Dan LeBatard]

Easy one, this one against the Heat. Mike Biamonte, too, was saying sensible.

[Zaslo]

Bryce Sensible had 34 points against OKC yesterday.

[Dan LeBatard]

You don't know who he's talking. You still don't know that either?

[Amin]

Says.

[Zaslo]

All right.

[Sports Analyst]

I don't know.

[Zaslo]

He's a Utah Jazz.

[Amin]

He's a Jazz man, baby.

[Zaslo]

Who does Cormac Ryan play for?

[Sports Analyst]

Cormac Ryan?

[Zaslo]

Yeah. Who does Cormac Ryan?

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Quarterback Matt Ryan made that up.

[Dan LeBatard]

New York jets.

[Zaslo]

He had 20, 21 and five steals against Memphis for the Milwaukee Bucks. You don't know anybody. Do you watch basketball?

[Sports Analyst]

It has to be the most obscure.

[Dan LeBatard]

So Mike has found a penis on a wall, but he hasn't found a newspaper, a payphone? I mean.

[Amin]

Thank you.

[Dan LeBatard]

Appreciate your time.

[Amin]

That's a head. That's headphones, bones. That's not a penis.

[Chelsea Reynolds]

Cactus.

[Dan LeBatard]

Mike, you're gonna fail. You're gonna. You're not gonna find anything in an hour. Roaming the streets around Miami.

[Mike Ryan]

It feels that way. I got, like, one last one I feel good about. And that's the Intercontinental right over here at the end of Biscayne. That's an older type of hotel with a lot of business people. Oh, I found a dead pigeon on the street before I found a payphone.

[Zaslo]

Mike really quick. Who does Ryan Rupert play for?

[Mike Ryan]

No shot. No shot of playing that game.

[Tony]

I watch all basketball on mute.

[Mike Ryan]

But I just did find a dead pigeon. That's pretty good content.

[Dan LeBatard]

Yeah, that was. I. You're gonna go to the Intercontinental now. You're making a good walk with an inability to find a newspaper. This is also going to drag into the post game show because we've got to get. We've got to get a payoff on this. Where he gets a newspaper or a pay phone. Thank you, Amin. I can't believe you found a dead pigeon. And penis and a. A key. A key maker at the 7:11 before he found a damn newspaper. I'm sad. I'm sad.