The Big Suey: Mazel Tov in Havana (feat. Dave Dameshek and Jonathan Zaslow)

Summary

Episode Summary: The Big Suey – Mazel Tov in Havana

Podcast: The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Episode: The Big Suey: Mazel Tov in Havana (feat. Dave Dameshek & Jonathan Zaslow)
Date: January 9, 2026

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Main Theme

LIVE from the Elser Hotel in Miami, Dan Le Batard, Stugotz, and their rotating cast dive into a weekend packed with football drama, Miami sports identity, and the intersection of Cuban heritage, football culture, and, bizarrely, Jesus as a sports commentator. With special guests Dave Dameshek and Jonathan Zaslow, the crew celebrates the Miami Hurricanes’ dramatic bowl victory, debates what it means to “be Cuban” in Miami sports culture, and riffs through NFL playoff narratives with their trademark blend of mischief, regional pride, and irreverence.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Miami Hurricanes’ Wild Bowl Win (00:37–04:34; 27:13–28:27)

• Dan & Crew’s Raw Reactions:
  Dan recounts his nerves watching Miami’s defense unravel, noting how Chris Fowler’s call (“Miami has completely unraveled”) plunged him into panic (00:37).

  • “They had so many secondary players, one of them gets ejected…They're stuck with a bunch of guys who shouldn’t even be out there.” — Dan Le Batard (00:24)
  • The group laughs at how quickly Lane Kiffin’s assistants targeted Miami’s backup secondary, exposing the chaos and inexperience on the field.

• Significance for Miami Fans:
  Dan frames the Hurricanes’ win as both a throwback to Miami’s glory years and a symbol of community pride, emphasizing the “spiritual” weight of the victory (15:03–16:13).

• Realism vs. Euphoria:
  Dave Dameshek cautions Dan about enjoying the win too much given injuries and Ole Miss coaching turmoil:

  • “I think it’s great stuff. But…it’s a little undermined by the fact Ole Miss’s coaching staff may or may not have shown up for the game.” — Dave Dameshek (27:13)

2. Lane Kiffin/Lost Coaches and the Value of Coaching (04:34–07:47; 32:10–34:00)

• Postgame “Kiffinometry”:
  Dan and Dameshek break down whether Lane Kiffin’s absence truly cost Ole Miss the game, riffing about narrative and legacy.

  • “If Lane Kiffin was coaching that game, he would give you an advantage that would represent the result...What is Lane Kiffin worth?” — Dan Le Batard (31:59)
  • Zaslow asserts Kiffin “comes out smelling like roses…he gets to take with him to LSU now, hey, they couldn’t do it without me.” (33:14)

• Who was Kiffin rooting for?
  “I think that’s a fun question. What was Lane Kiffin really rooting for?” — Dave Dameshek (32:48), suggesting the awkwardness of rooting for your ex-team to win without you.

3. Cuban Identity in Miami Sports (03:08–04:34; 09:45–18:59)

• How “Cuban” Are You?
  Dan wonders aloud whether Dameshek and Zaslow can be made honorary Cubans—“We need Cuban representation.” (03:08)

  • The group jokes about how Zaslow could “pass” for a Cuban uncle with the right look: “Just put a cigar, a hat, loafers…he can just stand there and not say a word and be completely in.” — Tony (21:46)

• “Types of Cubans” Diagram:
  Jeremy creates a Cuban Venn diagram, explaining different Miami Cuban tribes. “Over here…are Mario Cristobal, Tony, Pipo…then over here, Dan, it’s you, me, and my brother.” (09:50)

• Honorary Cubans & “Jubins”:
  The group debates how you get “in” the Cuban club, with honorary status (and AI photos!) for Amin and others (18:20–18:59).

  • “My grandparents were born and raised in actual Havana, Cuba. Also Jews. Jubins.” — Jeremy (18:15)

• Community and The 'U':
  Dan notes Miami is unique: “The people who keep [the University of Miami] afloat…develop real community there” despite it being a small, private school (15:03).

4. The Super Bowl of Miami: Narrative, Symbolism, Rivalry (03:08–08:40)

• Dan’s Dream Scenario:
  Rooting for a “Cuban Super Bowl,” Dan wants the Hurricanes’ cultural factions and rivalries explained to America, including inter-Cuban rivalries:

  • “We have a real chance to teach America about what kind of Cuban you are and what kind of Cuban Zaslow can explain Cristobal is.” (03:09)

• Rooting Allegiances:
  “Miami residents who love football and the U and are Cuban and want to root for Fernando Mendoza are not allowed. I am laying it down. You choose!” — Dameshek, channeling The Incredibles (07:58)

5. The Jesus Angle: Faith, Sports, Blasphemy, and Satire (23:45–26:34; 40:23–41:23)

• Is Jesus a Playoff Field Goal Blocker?
  The crew jokes that “Jesus blocked [Tyler] Loop’s field goal”—courtesy wind gusts and divine intervention in sports (24:14–25:14).

  • “Put it on the poll: did Jesus Christ block Loop’s field goal to deny Derrick Henry the playoffs?” — Dan (24:55)
  • “You have [Jesus] dominating athletics in sandals.” — Dan, riffing off Chris and Jeremy’s jokes (25:47)

• Jesus as Sports Commentator:
  Calls for a recurring bit: “Color commentator…Jesus Christ” (26:17), complete with possible catchphrases like “Mazel tov in Havana” (26:34).

• Dameshek’s Toy Jesus:
  Dameshek regales with his story of adopting a Jesus toy figure he found at a park—“I stole Jesus. Was that wrong?” (40:40), before a digression about “adventures of Jesus” as an action figure.

6. Football Fandom, Heritage & Allegiances (19:59–22:46)

• Rooting for Home vs. Alma Mater:
  Zaslow admits, “If the U and Gators play…best for business is the Hurricanes. No one is listening to my show for the Gators” (20:05–20:15).
  • Dameshek weighs “family roots” in sporting allegiance—“The roots that go back to my old man and going to the games with my old man and Pitt stadium…” (20:27)

7. Bits, Banter, and Character asides

• Honorary Cuban status:
  The group debates who is “in” and “out” of various Miami/Cuban and “artist”/“Cristobal” identity circles (18:59–22:46).
• Cooking pigs in the backyard:
  Ribbing Zaslow as the “Cuban uncle” at the barbecue (21:20).
• Mike Ryan’s whereabouts:
  Quick update on Mike Ryan, whose family is "embedded" in UM culture—“He helped make them better over the last five years.” (15:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan Le Batard (on Miami’s nerves):
  • “I cannot remember the last time I was as scared around sports…as when Chris Fowler just barks, ‘And Miami has completely unraveled.’ The ice that blew through me!” (00:37)
• Dave Dameshek (on Cuba, football, and The Incredibles):
  • “When everyone is super, no one is…You are not allowed to root for both the U and Fernando Mendoza. Choose one or the other.” (07:58)
• Tony (on Zaslow as a Cuban uncle):
  • “We put Zaz in a little straw hat, cigar, loafers with socks…that guy can stand and not say a word and be completely in.” (21:46)
• Dameshek (on Jesus and sports odds):
  • “Why did he do that? I don’t know…He worked in mysterious ways, but he did.” (24:14)
• Dan (on the symbolism of UM football):
  • “A school is a symbol for its community…It’s another reason that Mario Cristobal and my father share that Cuban stereotype caricature. They were animals about ambition.” (16:13)
• Dameshek (on Lane Kiffin’s legacy):
  • “That’s sort of the Shakespearean tragedy of it…He had to be absolutely sick. I think Lane Kiffin comes out smelling like roses.” (32:10–33:14)
• Dan (on pass interference):
  • “They let it all go at the end…otherwise every play in that sport would just be throw the ball 50 yards and see if you could get pass interference.” (38:03)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Sports Nerve-Wracking Miami Finish: 00:37–01:55
• Cuban Venn Diagram & Identity Explainer: 09:45–10:46
• Honorary Cuban/Jubin Discussion: 18:15–18:59
• Lane Kiffin Coaching Debate: 32:10–34:00
• Jesus as Football Fixer (Satire): 24:45–26:34
• Miami Community & School Identity: 15:03–16:13
• ‘Best for business’ fandom admissions: 20:05–20:15
• Pass Interference & Ref Chaos: 38:03–39:35

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Tone, Style, and Takeaway

True to Dan Le Batard Show form, the tone is fast, witty, self-deprecating, and comfortingly chaotic—a snarky love letter to Miami sports, football angst, and the city’s unique fusion of heritages. By episode’s end, listeners are left with a clearer sense of how Miami sports binds and divides its fans, the ever-pervasive role of narrative (and myth!), and why nothing—in football or in Miami—is ever just about the game.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the Big Sui presented by DraftKings. Why are you listening to this show, the podcast that seems very similar to the other Dan LeBatard podcast?

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm not going to apologize for that. In fact, the only difference seems to be this imaging. I have been tempted in restaurants just walking past tables to grab somebody's fries that if they're just there. That hasn't happened to you guys.

[C]

I've done it.

[A]

And now here's the marching man to nowhere Fat face and the habitual liar.

[C]

This episode of the Dan Lebatard show is presented by DraftKings.

[A]

DraftKings. The Crown is yours. I cannot remember the last time I was as scared around sports. It had to have been heat related. It had to have been at the beginning of whatever that was. But as scared as I was when the voice for college football, Chris Fowler for generation on video games just barks. And Miami has completely unraveled like the ice that blew through me where I'm like, no, how did I care like this that now it's late hit and their entire secondary is out of the game. And at the end of the game, they did not know what they're doing. They had to burn a timeout. They had so many secondary players, they one of them gets ejected and so they're stuck with a whole bunch. They're stuck with a whole bunch of guys in the secondary who shouldn't even be out there. And they're out there for the last five minutes.

[D]

They were, they were the receivers that were there. Trips to that side, they were like switching sides so like one receiver would go to the other side like that shell game. And then all of a sudden the dbs are looking at each other like, am I going.

[A]

Lane Tiffan's assistance put together in a couple of days, like as soon as Miami's backup secondary got in the game, all of a sudden, oh, look, they can't be stopped.

[D]

Hey, how about, how about COVID the tight end. The guy was on the corner round.

[A]

He said, these 300 pounds, you can't.

[B]

See him, he's massive. The guy's just running naked out there catching balls.

[A]

Catch the touchdown. Wasn't anybody with the. They were playing with secondary. There was never supposed to be in that position.

[D]

Who's got the tight end? I don't know. The fourth time he's gotten a pass.

[A]

So Chris, there's a lot of specifics around the game that I want to get into. And I also understand that it's a Giant football weekend. We've got five straight days of football playing playoffs that started last night with that and a huge bunch of interesting things this weekend. But I've also got Zaz here, and I don't know whether Damachek wants to talk about the Miami game or whether he wants to talk about the NFL. But I'd like to take Zaslo and Danishek and see if we can make both of them more Cuban to have them be more Cuban representatives. We need Mendoza to win tonight. Like, I don't know that I've ever rooted for a team outside of us. I don't care about anything here. But storyline. Please give me the Cuban Super Bowl. Please give me the ability to explain to people the difference between Jeremy and Tony and why Tony might not respect Jeremy and the arts.

[E]

What?

[A]

Well, I don't think, Tony, we have a real chance to teach America about what kind of Cuban you are and what kind of Cuban Zaslo can probably try to explain to people. Cristobal is.

[D]

We can pass Zaslo for a Cuban uncle for sure. Like that.

[C]

Come on.

[D]

As long as he doesn't say anything. We got him. We got. I know three guys that look like Zazzle right now.

[E]

So the drinker bodies.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Right.

[D]

With the bald head. Respectfully. With the bald head.

[C]

With the.

[D]

With the look. Big head. But if we put a cigar on that guy with a. Unaware and a little. A little. This guy is locked. And we can take him to Cayo and just pretend he's mulu.

[B]

Yo.

[F]

Shout out to Jesse.

[E]

Don't talk.

[B]

My uncle. He can't speak.

[A]

Tony, we got a chance with your dad to explain to people what crystal ball is. We do have. We do have a chance because it's the same family of stuff. And I'm guessing your dad. Dad. Who. Who could probably. Who can kick my ass? Your dad? Yeah, your dad.

[C]

Respectfully.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

So we're just punting on getting crystal ball this week?

[D]

No, no, I can get him.

[C]

I can get.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

I believe that if we pitch, I can get him.

[C]

I would argue that this could get him. Last hour and a half. Not helping our case.

[E]

I know Zaz could get him. You know how I know? Because I got him.

[A]

Zazlow. What do I do from a creative standpoint? Do I go to Damishek in the NFL or do I go. Do I stay with the University of Miami? Because one this kind comes around for a week, one time every 20 years.

[F]

I mean, are you kidding me? We stay with the Hurricanes. That last night was awesome. Are you crazy? We talk we keep talking about the Hurricanes here. I was watching the game last night. I watched in a bar here. I'm at the Peach Bowl. Of course I watch it at a bar here. And by the way, I'm not going to repeat the hotel that I'm at because I was getting calls in the middle of the night.

[A]

I mean, of course you're an idiot. Like, why would you do that?

[F]

That was obnoxious people, that's why. Yeah, and the light is still blinking on the phone here in the hotel. I haven't even listened to the messages. All right. But that was poor form. Poor form of my.

[E]

Hold on.

[F]

All right.

[E]

As. As a bit though. You need to record the voicemail and then play them for us.

[A]

Of course. That's okay. That. No, we must. We must okay. You. What you did yesterday, while stupid. No. Yes. While dumb. While. While extraordinarily dumb, daring our audience to find you while. While giving them the hotel and thinking your lame. Your lame pseudonym would tax fade. We got Pablo Torre finds out, fans, come on. Says pick up your game.

[D]

Wait, where is.

[F]

How'd they get my alias Damascia?

[A]

What would you advise us? Because I've told people Football America is a great show and I'm positive that whatever enthusiasm you have for this weekend, Damascia didn't have enough time. Probably could have made an episode seven times as long. Just an interesting storylines. What should I do here, Dan Shek? Because I think I should stay with the University of Miami too.

[B]

Well, you got the U. I'm very excited for all of you. Mazel tov, as they say in Havana. And there are the NFL playoffs, Perhaps the wild Card round, perhaps is the greatest weekend in sports. If the divisional round of the NFL playoffs isn't option C, we could talk about the red hot Pittsburgh Penguins six straight. Look out. The Wales Conference finals is coming. Florida Panthers, Pittsburgh Penguins revenge finally for 1996. What happened? Listen, I think, Dan, what you're wishing for, I don't. I don't know if I understand the wisdom behind it. I understand it from a content, from a narrative standpoint. And I can scream it as an Indiana Hoosiers fan. Vamos los oracanes. Pedro Fernando Tambien. I think this is going to be a spiritual nightmare for you if it happens, right?

[A]

Well, I just want Tony.

[C]

I want to play in this.

[A]

I want Tony to have the avenue to explain through Zaz and others what this representative of Cuban Miami is and the differences between you guys. Understand? We're headed for Cristobal. Wandering into this Game with a club in his hand being I will chew to death anybody who's in my face. Get off of me. Jason Taylor. Don't hug me. I'm going to kill that Mendoza kid. And all of the weakness that our generation spawned.

[D]

I mean, you kind of nailed it. There it is right there.

[A]

But Mendoza doesn't know shit about winning football at this level. I was fighting Cortez Kennedy at the knees.

[D]

Does Fernando Menoza know who Cortez Kennedy is?

[B]

He's a big hardo. And all that is crystal ball. It's good and fun stuff. I just think that, you know, everybody is seeing the Incredibles, right? I know Zaz has with his little ones and you know, the bad guy, the bad kid.

[E]

Hold on, hold on, Dave. Zaz, have you seen the Incredibles?

[F]

You know, I have. I'm a big movie guy.

[E]

No, you're not a big movie guy. That's why I had to stop Dave Damachek in the middle of his speech.

[A]

Well, but. And you're stopping everyone odd turns today.

[B]

If justice were served, that would have won the Oscar for best picture in the year it was released. It's dynamite stuff either way. The bad guy. And it says when everyone is super, no one is. And as far as that goes, Miami residents who love football and love the U and are Cuban and want to root for Fernando Mendoza are not allowed. I am. I am laying it down right now. You choose one or the other. When everyone is super, no one is. You do not win in either situation. Put your marker down here. And now. Are you with the U or are you with Fernando? Choose.

[E]

Everyone is Cuban, no one is. That's what he's saying.

[B]

Basically. Yeah, I guess.

[A]

So let's go out to.

[B]

You know what it is. It's the. You know what it is. I can't believe the U V2T U V the UV2.

[A]

I mean, can you explain to me what it is that you just reacted to?

[E]

Right there is UV2 to you that.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You get it?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

No, the way that you fell out of your chair because Damoshek yammering endlessly doesn't see that I'm trying to throw it to Jeremy and just has to get one more good joke.

[C]

It was worth it.

[A]

Ill timed. It was a good joke. Yeah. Yes, a good joke. But he needs to give me the space to throw the thing out to Jeremy so he can be taught how to be Cuban instead. What he ends up doing is he ends up going for the joke and trampling me. So let's go out To Jeremy right now because Damoshek.

[B]

This is a delicate feelings already. The game's not till Monday night. Dan, it's gonna be a long wait for you. If you're this stressed out already because.

[C]

You made him choose Damek, he doesn't.

[A]

Want to choose me too.

[C]

Go ahead, Dan.

[E]

Eat you.

[A]

Jeremy, what are you doing out there? And what do we need to learn about what you're doing out there?

[C]

So, Dan, I've created a Venn diagram here, as we Cubans love to do, explaining the different types of Cubans. So over here on one side, you have folks like Mario Cristobal, Alex Mirabal, Tony Pipo, Poppy Louis. That's one type of Cuban, one type of Cuban representation. Then over here, Dan, it's Fernando Mendoza. It's you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's me and my brother who are over here. This is also where every Cuban who actually goes to the University of Miami would go. And these are the Cubans who don't go to the University of Miami. But what you have in the middle.

[D]

I don't like the way he said that.

[C]

Are the people who can play both sides.

[F]

Ah.

[C]

Jorge Sedano would be over here, but George Hollywood Sedano, he's over here with me and you. Mike Ryan, when he talks about nascar. Over here with me and you. But when he's talking, um, football micro over on this side.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And Marco Rubio. I mean, you know that guy plays both sides.

[D]

All right, kicking things off with Smirnoff, the official vodka sponsor of the NFL and the number of vodka in the world. Chris Cody, you're here.

[B]

Smirnoff.

[D]

Wow. You're on the money with Smirnoff. Chris, you know what goes great with Smirnoff? Yes, but I'm really talking about game day fit. The style's gotta match the vibe.

[A]

Fair enough.

[D]

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[A]

Wow.

[D]

The merch will be dropped on select dates from December to January 21st. And it's all. All courtesy of what brand? That's right, Chris. Fans 21 and over can head to Smirnoff Socials to learn how to sign up. And don't forget to grab a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka Number 21 at your local retail. Please drink responsibly. Number 21 vodka distilled from grain 40 alcohol by volume the Smirnoff Company New York, NY Please do not share with anybody under Legal drinking Hate Smirnoff. No purchase necessary. Must be legal. US resident 21 or older sweepstakes starts 12152025 at 12:00am Eastern and ends 1232026 at 11:59:59pm Eastern see official rules at program website. One of my big goals for 2026 is just less money stress.

[B]

How about that?

[D]

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[G]

Sometimes all it takes is a simple yeah, I'll swing by on a football Sunday for a regular moment to turn legendary. That's when you say yes to the unexpected Hang and you bring a pack a Miller Lite because those small decisions, that's Miller time. Some of my most legendary moments started that way. A buddy's house, A game on a tailgate. No big plan. You just crack open a Miller Light and see where the day takes you. After you take that sip, you look around, you see your friends, sometimes your family, and you think, yeah, this was the right call. You're locked into the game, the conversation, the moment, not thinking about what you're drinking. Miller Lite just fits. Clean finish, refreshing, brewed for taste, with simple Ingredients and at 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces, it never weighs you down. It's the taste beer lovers have trusted for over 50 years. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic today. Legendary moments start with Miller Lite. Great taste. 96 calories. Go to millerlight.com dan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. It's Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Co. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

[C]

Don Levator it sounds to me like everybody could use a hug, because a hug is always the right size stuff. All I have put in my body today is three cups of coffee and an entire cup of honey.

[B]

Don't let him fool you.

[C]

He said in the break that he's jittery.

[F]

This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugach.

[A]

When is Mike Ryan going to appear on the show? People want to hear from Mike Ryan. And I didn't know where we were with locating Mike Ryan.

[C]

He's in the air right now.

[D]

He took off on a bird.

[C]

He took off from Phoenix at 9:00am our time. So it doesn't really work out.

[A]

So my guess is that he's as happy as he's ever been after a sporting event. And because this is the only team that he's financially and emotionally invested in this way. And for the people who actually remember the best parts of what Cristobal remembers about the University of Miami campus itself, the community of people around that school, even with people who don't go to that school who spend on that school, are the people who keep it afloat on that corner of Coral Gables and develop real community there. Like, Mike Ryan's family life is embedded in the fabric of trying to make that school matter. And he helped make them better over the last five years because he's in the business of helping make them better.

[D]

I think it's an interesting point too, is like Miami's school is fiu, right? Like by volume of sheer people that go to the school. University of Miami is a very small school, private institution, costs a lot of money to go. You have to have really good grades to go, right? And the, the, the push the love that people have that didn't even go to the school shows you how much a connection point it is for the community. Because what other school around the country is like, oh, yeah, it's a. It's a small school this big, and everybody loves it. That. That lives in the city.

[E]

Usc.

[D]

I was about to say that.

[A]

That, yeah, USC is one of them in Los Angeles, and for many of the same reasons. Right? Because a school is a symbol for its community. But what I'm telling you about. What'? Pointing out that part of it, because it's another reason that Mario, Cristobal and my father and whatever it is that raised them, it has a Cuban stereotype caricature. We all recognize the man. They're all very similar. They were animals about ambition, and nothing else mattered. Sedano learned at that knee. Just a whole bunch of Jorge or George. See, that's a good question. He went Hollywood, and I'm guessing. No, but he'd connect with Cristobal a hell of a lot better than I would because.

[E]

Because he's been on the show.

[C]

He's better at faking it.

[A]

He's more Cuban than I am. No, Sedano is more Cuban.

[C]

Yes, Adano is, but he also knows how to, like. All right, where am I right now? I can.

[A]

Who do you need me to be here?

[E]

Green juice. We're drinking green juice now. Okay. I'll be joining the.

[D]

George is a chameleon.

[C]

I said it's a compliment. Like, oh. Like, wherever I'm at, I can.

[A]

I can be what you need me to be. How do we teach Danishek and Zaslo to be more Cuban? Is Jeremy doing this? Was that helpful? Jeremy? Was that. Did you guys find Jeremy helpful? Danishek.

[B]

Oh, see? See.

[D]

I don't know yet about damage. Check. I don't know what he's doing. I'm on to him, though.

[E]

I like it.

[D]

I'm on to him, though.

[A]

You could totally pass for. For Cuban right there. Just with cc. These are very limited.

[C]

Passable for you, huh?

[A]

Zazzle, do you understand what Jeremy's saying? There's.

[F]

I do. I'd like to know, like, what was the strategic move of where he placed me outside the bubble?

[C]

Well, you're just trying to get in. I mean, you're sitting right here, and once you do, you would be here. You have to earn your way over to this side if you're trying to get toward the Tony type of Cuban. But what Damoshek brought up, like, the people who say mazel tov and Little Havana, that's My grandparents. My grandparents were born and raised in actual Havana, Cuba. Also Jews. Jubins.

[B]

Warren Sapp always says that his classmates called him Sapperstein.

[E]

How did I get in?

[A]

I'm.

[E]

I see I'm in the bubble right there.

[D]

Honorary Cuban. Yeah. Tony made sure they stole that I bestowed upon.

[A]

Thank you. How did, how did Amin get in there?

[C]

Because Tony wanted him there.

[E]

Lots of Picadill.

[A]

Okay, so you just.

[D]

He loves. He loves.

[A]

He loves breakfast.

[D]

He loves the candle flames. Then he's bestowed an honorary Cuban. Kind of like an honorary doctorate. We gave Amin. I talked to the congregation. We gave Amin honorary Cuban.

[E]

Not only honorary Cuban, but on the. On the good side, not on the Cristobal side, not on the artist side.

[B]

I think it's great from an outsider's perspective, something I was not particularly steeped in. But now I am listening to you guys and experiencing all of you, the three headed monster of Florida college football, and the rise of the trio of teams at about the same time. I know that, that Florida State was maybe a tick ahead of the U and Florida's bounce back and all of that. I love listening to you guys talk about the rooting interests and all of that. I don't think football America at large is as tuned into it. And zaz, I think what you express is exactly what you know. Obviously that exists regionally. I grew up in Pittsburgh. A lot of people go to Penn State. And how you route Pitt v. Penn State. How. When it comes down to it, I've always said people, people ask me, as a pit lover and IU grad, who would you root for in the final four between those two and I was not an intellectual choice. I have to be in the moment. And my heart and gut will tell me what the, what the answer is to that. If. If the you and the Gators played in a big spot, you think, you know, you would go you over your alma mater.

[F]

I would because. Because again, like, best for business, you know, Like, I. I mean, I'm on business.

[B]

What kind of talk.

[D]

This guy's Cuban. This guy started right there.

[F]

No one is listening to Zaslow Show 2.0 to hear about the Florida Gators. They're listening to hear about Miami Hurricanes. So if the Hurricanes are successful, Dave, that's best for business.

[B]

Yeah. But what Dan's touching on is that, that's, that's the heart of it. I would go pit even over my alma mater because the. Because of the roots that go back to my old man and going to the games with my old Man. And Pitt stadium and all of that kind of stuff that. That outstrips my listen decade at Indiana University where listen. Didn't still love and listen. How's are at the Peach bowl with you as we speak.

[F]

Listen, Poppy, I hear what you're saying.

[E]

I guess we know what side.

[D]

Watch out.

[B]

And you slipped up. All right. Again.

[D]

These are my two Cuban uncles. They're both mute.

[B]

They can't speak.

[A]

It's so good, though. Tony. So where there's a pig out back. Okay. Okay, Tony.

[C]

Cooking.

[A]

Dave, let's put it in your backyard. Okay. I don't know if you did pigs out back or not. I got. One of my favorite highlights was bringing Cornheiser's bus came through into a very small Cuban neighborhood to be in the backyard of. Of one of those pig roasts. The uncles who have had who are 14 beers in and they had too much to drink as they started at 11am and aren't saying anything. They're just, they're just standing there. They look like Zaz.

[D]

Yeah. 100% like Zaz can pass. If we put Zaz again and, and we put him on with like a little straw hat and a cigar with, with like loafers, but with socks on. Dude, that guy can stand and not.

[B]

Say a word and be completely in.

[A]

Did you go to high school with Cuban kids? Were you playing basketball against Cuban kids? As do actual. You must, you must have learned more about this than stug ever did.

[F]

Yeah. I mean, yes. You got. Went to high school and. Yeah, like in, in New York. Right. I went to high school at North Miami Beach Senior High. Of course. That was my whole school. Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Can we make him Cuban? Can Caswella. Is that what he said?

[F]

I have what AAs in the, in the Zazlow mansion closet.

[B]

I have.

[D]

Say that again.

[B]

I think there's an update.

[C]

Jeremy is updating his board out there. Yeah. Zazlow's been moved into the, the literal right side, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I mean, look, we heard what.

[C]

He had to say. If he's, if he's all about business there, he's been removed from the outside. Looking in over here on the left with me and Dan, and he's been moved to the proper side where he deserves to be.

[E]

Does that mean Damoshek is over there with you and Dan?

[C]

I mean, I, I, I, I think Zama checks on the other side of the board at the moment, but he'll get over there. He's. He's working hard.

[B]

What if I put the crosses on my face? I Knew that Ole Miss had no shot in that game when I saw Carson Beck with the double crosses making a plea to the big man upstairs. If Crystal Ball didn't do it enough. Now, listen, I saw Shambless also before the big play. Imagine. I find that a little disconcerting. If I were the head coach, if I were calling in the play, this. The whole season comes down to this one.

[D]

And.

[B]

And the QB has time and is lucid enough about his faith that he takes a beat to you and me, big guy. All right, let's. Let's run the.

[D]

If not now, when? Damage. That is the most important play of the game.

[B]

I guess so, yeah.

[C]

Damage checks on our side. Maybe you do one before the game.

[B]

Both sides of it. What about Jesus? I mean, everybody's making their big ploy to him. Which.

[A]

What?

[B]

Which. Whose side was he on?

[F]

I guess Miami is clearly the good guys, right?

[B]

I guess so.

[A]

Put it on the poll. Is Jesus playing both sides? Way to go, Damachek. Way to go. All right. Like, honestly, I mean, he loves football.

[B]

That's what's clear. They keep talking to him, they keep asking, they keep thanking him forever.

[A]

What are you alleging? What are you alleging? You allege that the analysis of that game, this. This young man who prays his mother before games that he would saddle up and say, all right, God, now we ride. You think that's presumptuous or that's faithful? That's faithful.

[B]

I don't know what game Jesus is playing, but you saw Sunday Night Football. You saw Derrick Henry, another guy. He has the big cross lamp blacks on the big cross. But that's not enough. He also wears a cute little nose ring cross as well. Not enough to save the Baltimore Ravens and Tyler Loop making that kick. Why? Because Jesus blocked it. Why did he do that? I don't know. He worked in mysterious ways, but he did. Clearly, no.

[A]

All right, put it on.

[C]

That was quite the gusts. Quite the gust of wind.

[A]

First on that kick.

[D]

Did Loop salute the big man upstairs? I didn't see it. Did he?

[A]

All right, put it on the.

[B]

I know his predecessor did a lot. Oh, boy.

[C]

A lot.

[D]

He wouldn't have missed that one.

[A]

Put it on the pole. Put it on the poll. Did Jesus Christ block loops field goal to deny Derrick Henry the playoffs? Was it? Was it Jesus Christ block that, Chris, you're going to keep doing the blowing. You're making him Superman.

[C]

Quite a gust.

[A]

So you're making. So you're making. You're making Jesus have the breath of Quite the gust.

[E]

Jesus, according to Chris, is blowing in my mind. Jesus is running out there and just like swatting it. Like that old Stuart Scott commercial with sandals.

[C]

Like an Angels in the outfield. Christopher Lloyd.

[E]

No, no.

[C]

Literally on the field, like affecting the ball.

[E]

No, yeah. I, I, I think about a hockey sack with the baseball sports center commercial where he's playing with the little kids and then he just swats it into the fifth row. Like that's, I got Jesus doing that. He's like sprinting. He's got the robe, he's got sandals on. And then here comes a ball.

[A]

Get that out of here. Robin. Sandals.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So you have him dominating athletics and sandals.

[E]

And then he does like the LeBron.

[B]

You know what? Instead of Adam Schefter and everybody else who just pretends to know stuff in advance, why don't we get Jesus on a prayer?

[E]

Oh, my God. He'd be the best.

[D]

On the Cuban pre.

[C]

Can make that Twitter account.

[B]

The pregame shows. On the pregame shows, they all wear cocktail hour. And so he'd fit in beautifully with his stylish.

[A]

It's a great idea.

[C]

I, I listen Jesus on the side.

[B]

With me and Dan.

[C]

Jesus on, on the side of Tony.

[A]

I do believe that we should absolutely be making the content of Jesus Christ color commentator and just seeing how it is that that character breaks down studio.

[C]

He'd also say, mazel tov in Havana.

[A]

That's all right. So the, the issue that I have here, damn it, Sheck and I can do a show for seven hours today, okay? Because all of this is again, all. Well, it's just crack. It's just crack football right now. The playoffs have started. Look, man, the University of Miami played, played Ole Miss in a game that mattered and felt like olden times as minor league football now leads us into major league football. Five days of playoffs. You're going to get ransacked by important football over the last, over the next five days. And everything that was happening yesterday felt kind of professional, except for how Miami was playing.

[B]

Well, the other thing, the other thing that kind of undermines it all. And I don't mean to steal from your excitement, sincerely. I think it's great. I think the fan bases that are the most euphoric and the ones that I saw, if you're a Cleveland Browns fan or a Detroit Lions or whatever, and you've never gotten over the hump, that's a certain sort of angst I think, where you are, Dan, I've always associated you from a great distance from the you documentary. You are sort of one of the faces of that program during its rise and all of that, and the long wait out in the desert to return to being relevant is as sweet as it gets. I had a guy on my show, my old pal, who's a 49ers fan, and I always say, well, you're one of the house. What are you complaining about? The 49ers. You don't get to do that. He said, do you know if you're 40 or younger and a Niners fan, it's the greatest pain of all. We hear the stories, but we have no visceral attachment to any of those things. So to see it return, to come all the way back around, I completely get it. I assume I know why you're over the moon about it, Dan. I think it's great stuff. But that being said, it's a little undermined by the fact that Ole Miss's coaching staff may or may not have shown up for the game. A little like, this is the greatest tournament ever. Like, I don't know, Oregon's entire backup secondary transferred midweek.

[A]

So I don't know if by the actual participants, if we're going to actually talk. Zaslo because you're at the Peach bowl and because we're doing these imperfect measurement systems to determine champions like the, the.

[B]

The asinine Jesus is imperfect. Excuse me.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[E]

Put that on a headline. Dan levatar, Jesus not perfect.

[C]

Put it on the poll. Hello, listeners. You know that I live in Miami, which means my idea of quote unquote, winter is just putting on a hoodie or a cardigan and acting like I've suffered. But every time that I travel somewhere that's actually cold, I'm reminded that my wardrobe is completely and utterly unprepared. But that right there is where Quince comes in. I also realized that if I'm gonna be on camera for broadcast gigs, I probably shouldn't look like I just grabbed whatever was closest to the door. Quince makes clothes that deliver premium materials, thoughtful design and pieces that hold up season after season after season after season. And particularly with Quint's, their outerwear has been the thing that's especially impressed me. Those down jackets, wool coats, Italian leather. And folks, that cashmere sweater, ridiculously soft, looks great and somehow doesn't cost what you'd expect. Trust me, I am the only one on this show who actually dresses to impress. And Quince is what's now helping me do it. Refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com/dan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quincy.com dan free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com dan.

[A]

Prime's exclusive wild card playoff game is Saturday night. Jordan Love and the packers take on Caleb Williams in the Bears. Not a Prime member. Sign up for a 30 day free trial to stream the game. That's gonna be caught for the touchdown. NFC north rivals square off in the latest chapter of the NFL's oldest feud, the packers and Bears. And Prime's exclusive wild card playoff game Saturday at 7:30pm Eastern. Only on Prime. Sign up for a 30 day free trial today. Restrictions apply. See Amazon.com Amazon prime for details. Don Lerd the Judge Coach Sweetie Sts I should go say hello. This is the D?

[B]

Ler show with the St.

[A]

Who's going to be the character around here that plays Jesus Christ as the sports. Do you realize how funny that would be?

[C]

There's only one Jew in the room.

[A]

So sitting next to Gronk as Jesus Christ having takes on the breakdowns of football, the University of Miami playing that football game last night, you're harkening back to a time where the college stuff felt professional. Everything that's happened here with Lane Kiffin. I'd actually like both of you to break this down for me separately in a sports way. Yes. Damascek, you first. Explain this part to me. Okay. If we're going to spend so much time talking about Lane Kiffin, his genius, how important he is, his play calling and everything else, and if that game is going to be decided so that if pass interference had been called or gets called today, you wouldn't be surprised if Mississippi advanced because pass interference was called. If we're going to make Lane Kiffin a guy who's worth that much money, doesn't it stand to reason for that? Everyone listening to this would understand that if Lane Kiffin was coaching that game, he would give you a advantage that would represent the result. That is the difference between winning and losing. When the game is that close. Like what is Lane Kiffin worth? If we can't say flatly he would have won that game because whatever the advantages were that he had, he would be able to win by one score because he's the great Lane Kiffin.

[B]

Yo. Pieceo. No, I'm sorry. Sorry. I think that you're absolutely right and that's sort of the Shakespearean tragedy of it. Much like his predecessor running down the Baton Rouge because he thought he couldn't win the Big one at South Bend. And then Marcus Freeman got. Got the Irish much closer to winning a national championship than Brian Kelly did. Lane Kiffin bales right on the eve of that team maybe winning the national championship. I completely agree with you. He had to be absolutely sick. I think. I think that's a fun question. What was Lane Kiffin really rooting for?

[A]

Oh, that's.

[B]

Oh, I think it's good. I don't think it's good if they win that without him. Right question.

[A]

It's a great.

[B]

Like Stefanski. Stefanski's biggest win with the Brown is. And you could say, well, they went into Pittsburgh and beat the Steelers at a playoff game. I mean, who. Whoever thought that was possible as a Cleveland Browns fan? Except people sometimes forget Stefanski had Covid and was literally in his Cleveland basement when that went on. Lane Kiffin watching this one. It's even worse.

[A]

What's the answer? What do you think the answer to both of those questions is?

[F]

I think Lane Kiffin was the big winner last night. Like, who cares about Lane getting the. The bonuses? Which LSU was going to pay, by the way? Every time Ole Miss wins, LSU pays Lane Kiffin money. Who cares about the bonuses? Lane Kiffin now gets to say, yeah, like, they couldn't win without me. I don't think he was rooting for them at all this postseason. So they couldn't win without him. It was a close game. And if they wind up winning a close game without him, then it's like, hey, why did we pay this guy all of this money to come over here? So I. I think Lane comes out smelling like roses after last night's game, and he gets to take with him to LSU now, hey, they couldn't do without me. That's why I'm here.

[C]

There's no way.

[D]

Ah, the NFL news. It never stops. The new GM in South Florida. Dolphins are finalizing a deal to hire Packers VP of player personnel John Eric Sullivan as their general manager.

[F]

I don't know that.

[D]

Sources. According to Adam Schefter.

[E]

And what happened to the $50 million to John Harbaugh?

[B]

That's the GM?

[F]

I mean, still could do that.

[E]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

May I say who canceled that? You guys are falling all over yourselves for John Harbaugh. I understand he had a real good run and a lengthy one in Baltimore, but are you. Are you paying attention to the fine print here?

[D]

I.

[B]

The. The idea. I get also. So I get also that you're coming off of a very severe personification of the clever offensive coordinator. And so now you have to swing hard back in the other direction. You want a foreman, a great overseer of all things football operations. Not really an X's and O's guy, but man, oh man, I. I really think if the assumption is not just from the teams falling all over themselves to get John Harboff. He thinks he's going to walk in to say, Cleveland or Miami and get the same results that he had in nice and stable and. And loaded up in terms of talent. Baltimore. I think. I think both sides have another thing coming. And you know who agrees with me?

[F]

This guy.

[E]

There he is. The man, the myth, the legend himself. Did you see what that was there, man?

[F]

In a myth?

[A]

Was that Jesus and a pencil? I don't know what that was. I don't know what he was. What was that?

[B]

You know what? I found him. We went to the amusement park around the holidays, as Jews do, and I found this guy sitting on a bench. Me and Jean Claude Van Damask were just sitting there having some fries or whatever, and we were like, look at this. It's Jesus Christ. But he's a toy. He's a man. He's a myth. He's a legend. And now he's a toy.

[A]

Zaslow. The Lane Kiffin question, though. If we were to try and do it empirically, what's he worth? That we could say now lsu. That LSU just cost Mississippi the championship. If you believe a coach is worth anything. Because With a bunch. Because a bunch of guys doing half a job. They almost took out Miami when Miami was clearly better in every way. In one of the flukiest results you will have ever seen. Because Miami almost coughed up a game to a bunch of coaches who were working part time. That almost happened last night. That was that. I'm still expecting Carson back to be sacked, turn it over and. And interception so that I could be doing the show. Why are you throwing in that circumstance?

[F]

Yeah, that.

[B]

That.

[F]

That's the point right there is Ole Miss got dominated and they were still in the lead late in the fourth quarter.

[B]

Like. And.

[F]

And they wind up losing. Lane gets to walk away and say, yeah, that's why you hired me. You see how much I'm worth over there?

[B]

Like, we.

[F]

We were so good over there that even when we play bad, we're in the game. You don't think we would have won if I was still the coach? Are you kidding me? That's why I'm here now. No. Lane's a huge winner, man.

[B]

Not Joy's as relief for Lane. Right? Yeah. Oh, thank. Thank the. The toy named Jesus that. That they didn't win that game without me because now it complete. I mean, it ruins my debut in Baton Rouge. Yeah.

[D]

So.

[F]

Yeah, totally.

[E]

Yeah. Because if you had it as joy, I would ask you. You call him a liar when he tweets out amazing effort and grit. Ole Miss football. Best season ever in the history of Ole Miss. Heart emoji love, guys. And then a heartbreak gif, which is kind of weird.

[C]

He also tweeted that it was pass interference at the end.

[D]

Offensive pass interference.

[A]

Give me till the end of the day. This is going to get called. I believe there's a chance that while we're on the air today, there's a ruling from some conference somewhere and some of they're going to. They're going to bring out that wet sock from the NCAA again. He's going to say, you know what? It was pass interference.

[F]

He was totally holding the cane's defender's arm down. He was hook his arm.

[A]

That's correct. They let it all go at the end because somebody could. Look, I've seen people shift other people at the end of that game, whether it's 30 yards out or 50 yards out, you're allowed to do whatever the hell you want. Like everybody's jumping up for the ball and it's just chaos. We're not going to call pass interference. Otherwise every play in that sport would just be to throw the ball 50 yards and see if you could get pass interference.

[B]

That's right. And I mean, they really are. I mean, the bottom line is Dan is. Is right. He's trying to take the lesser of two evils with it. This. It is PI. But what are you going to do? Are you going to start throwing that flag in big spots?

[A]

But. But damage. Look, the part that's funny to me about this is the team that was poorly coached doesn't have Lane Kiffin. 18 seconds left. They could have won that football game. That was an eternity, by the way. If. No, but if I told you that that happened to any coaches anywhere, how did you let them get down the field in 18 seconds? What kind of incompetent are you? How much better would Lane Kiffin had made their 18 second offense than they're throwing into the end zone at the end of. Because Chris Fowler is yelling. And Miami has completely unraveled.

[D]

By the way. I love Chris Fowler. I love Chris Fowler. But on the. On the pass interference, I was blatantly a face mask. He's like, I don't know if they had Enough to call a penalty there. And I was like, Chris.

[A]

What? What? What?

[D]

You play tennis down here?

[A]

Give me a break.

[B]

Respectfully.

[F]

What are you doing?

[D]

I love you, but come on.

[C]

He's on the side with me and Dan. How does that.

[A]

How did they take back that targeting.

[D]

Call, by the way? That was also bs, all right? They're holding Bane all night, Dan.

[A]

Both targeting. Well, Bain was quiet.

[B]

We're holding him, of course.

[F]

Quiet.

[A]

That around his neck. There weren't enough women for me to make fun of.

[B]

Oh, I got what I mean was trying to do there.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

No, Now. Now is not the time for fear.

[A]

If. You all right.

[C]

Coffee?

[A]

No.

[F]

My boy cook.

[A]

Damek. I like your Bane in the coffee cup. So I would like you to address this this way, please, because I have a criticism for you, okay? Oh, and so I'd just like you to defend yourself if you can. Asbain, I don't know why it is that you're so flippant, liberal, and elite that you think it's okay to come on here and blaspheme again and again with this toy Jesus Christ of yours, like, just alienating a group of people as you mock Christ our Savior.

[B]

Because Fernando is my qb, and he clearly has a close relationship with Jesus. And so I think that he can get me off. If I get charged with a spiritual misdemeanor, I want to give all the glory to God.

[A]

You have a toy Jesus just around your apartment so that you can mock the people who worship Jesus?

[B]

I told you the tale. We found him sitting on the bench. It was a sign. It was right before Christmas. Change your ways, Dave. And so I brought him home. I stole Jesus. Was that wrong? I found him sitting on the bench. So somebody must have left him behind. Maybe Jesus wanted me to find him, but more likely a child left this behind. Which begs the question, what kind of family sends their kids to the park and the kids are playing here. Play. Play with Jesus. What do you play? How do you play? What do you do? Like, when you're. When you're a little kid, like, ah, I'm recreating this biblical scene. Or what are you? Like, what was this kid doing? And then Jesus. Of all the ones to get left behind, it's Jesus Christ. I don't know how I'm supposed to take it.

[E]

You do the adventures of Jesus. And is it Jesus and his best friend, Spider man and Optimus Prime? They all go and they. They fight in a war against the Decepticons or whatever, and that's. That's what you do.

[A]

And.

[B]

Oh, V. Jesus. Who wins that one?

[E]

I mean, you got to go. Jesus, man.

[F]

Does he have the Infinity Gauntlet?

[A]

We have produced an AI Video of Cuban Theo Zaslow at the barbecue. If he does not speak, round of face. And we want to put this up for inspection.

[F]

That's good, AI.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So there. We have all seen that guy. We've all had beers on a Saturday and a Sunday watching football. Good.

[F]

Like, let's make it clear.

[C]

That's not A.I. that's the crack Photoshop work of our team.

[E]

That's not A.I.

[F]

I like it.

[A]

Damacek. Before we get out of here, there are 50 seconds left and that's not enough time for you to break down the NFL playoffs. This is the chance, okay? But this is the chance I'm gonna give you here, okay? At the start of the next segment and the start of the next hour, okay? Because I do want people to listen to Football America, cuz it's a very good show. I want for you to give me, as quick as you can, the five most interest things headed into this round of playoffs here. And if people want more coverage and enthusiasm and inspiration. I know you love football and you're a lunatic about it, so we will send people to your podcast. But start the next segment with the five best things this weekend. And make it quick, okay? Don't be the yammering knob that can't be stopped. Make it quick. All right?

[B]

Keep in mind that for all the advanced analytics hand wringing about, the sample sizes are too small in the postseason. You can't judge a quarterback based on whether or not he wins in January. Yes, I can.

[A]

I'm up against the clock. Said make it quick. You better do this.

[B]

Well, everybody cannot.

[A]

That's coming up.

[B]

Somebody's getting one.