The Big Suey: The Lament Of The Loser (feat. Fibula)

Summary

The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz: The Big Suey — "The Lament Of The Loser" (feat. Fibula)

Date: March 30, 2026
Location: Live from the Elser Hotel, Downtown Miami

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Episode Overview

This episode of "The Big Suey" revolves around the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, focusing heavily on Duke’s shocking loss to UConn after an improbable comeback capped by a dramatic, near half-court three from freshman Braylon Mullins. The crew delves deep into "the lament of the loser," examining both sides of tournament heartbreak—especially how it feels to watch Duke, the perennial villain, not just lose, but choke away victory. The episode also ventures into playful territory with the introduction of the character "Fibula," a lying vampire, discussions about vampire music, college basketball’s chalky outcomes, and a reflective segment on Michael Jordan’s transformation as a NASCAR owner.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Tournament’s Defining Moment: Duke-UConn Breakdown

• UConn’s Unlikely Comeback
  • The crew dissects UConn clawing back from a 19-point deficit, finishing off Duke with a Braylon Mullins bomb from almost half-court.

    "Long range three. Oh, it went in. Mullins delivers. Bedlam. Bedlam here." – Mike Ryan (02:58)

  • UConn had been 1-for-18 from three before their late run, making the comeback even more improbable.
• What Does 'Choking' Look Like?
  • The panel scrutinizes Duke’s collapse as the epitome of choking—mental mistakes, coaching failures, and an inability to handle the full-court press in the closing seconds.

    "This was the collapse of a bunch of Duke players who should be undefeated this season." – Dan Le Batard (03:38)

• Coaching and Experience Debate
  • Dan criticizes Coach John Shire for failing to prepare his team for the press, while Jeremy points out the emotional pressure on college "kids" who haven’t faced this type of adversity at the college level.

    "I'm sure John Shire said something in the huddle, or at least I hope he did, because it was a real coaching failure." – Dan Le Batard (05:40)

2. Three-Point Shooting & Basketball Variance

• Shooting Luck and Defense
  • Jeremy explains the "variability of three-point shooting" and its massive influence on game outcomes, reinforcing that "good" three-point defense is more about limiting attempts than affecting percentages. (04:35)
• Experience vs. Youth
  • UConn’s roster is praised for veteran composure (minus Mullins), while Duke is castigated for failing under pressure, highlighting the value of upperclassmen in March Madness. (08:07–08:16)

3. The "Lament of the Loser" — Announcer Reactions

• Contrasting UConn and Duke Radio Calls
  • The episode spotlights how Duke’s broadcasters, in denial, immediately hunt for an officiating technicality after the heartbreaker, missing the emotional gravity of the moment.

    "That wouldn’t have been a technical if all the UConn players had dropped their shorts at midcourt and mooned the entire Duke bench." – Mike Ryan (22:20)

  • The crew gleefully breakdowns Duke’s reaction as "the opposite of 'Do you believe in miracles?'" (22:38)
• Insight into Fan Mentality
  • Nostalgia and schadenfreude for Duke’s elite falling to pieces amplifies the fun for neutral fans.

    "I’m trying to think of something that brings sports fans more joy—not than Duke losing, which is very high, but Duke specifically choking." – Mike Ryan (30:35)

4. The "Which Celebrity Looks Like" Tournament

• Running List of Eliminated and Advancing Jokes
  • As teams are eliminated, the crew updates their bracket of topical, running jokes comparing tournament figures to everyday (and absurd) characters (e.g., “Adam Silver looks like a newly opened Chapstick” (34:36); “Paul Finebaum looks like the maitre d at a fancy restaurant” (20:43)).
• Reflections on ‘Chalk’ in the Tournament
  • The guys debate whether recent NIL (Name, Image, Likeness) policy changes have caused more chalk (top-seeded teams advancing) and less Cinderella magic, ultimately cautioning against knee-jerk hot takes. (19:16)

5. Pop-Culture Detours: Vampires & Fibula

• Vampire Music and the ‘Fibula’ Bit
  • Lighthearted silliness ensues as the group riffs on why a certain song is associated with vampires, and Jeremy adopts the persona “Fibula, the lying vampire.”
  • The crew jokes about the origins of vampire music, blending absurd lies with real music history:

    "This is a original composition by not Johann Santana, but Johann Sebastian Bach. And it was used in the 1931 film Dracula." – Dan Le Batard (13:45)

  • Fibula repeatedly makes outrageous, clearly false claims, doubling down on the comedic bit.

6. Baseball, Marlins & South Florida Sports

• Brief segment updating on the Marlins’ opening weekend and standout pitching, as Dan tries to swing discussion away from the vampire riff:

  "Their starting pitching was amazing. Their pitcher ERA was two steam." – Dan Le Batard (16:47)

7. Michael Jordan at NASCAR: Joy, Renewal, and Identity

• Jordan’s Newfound Passion
  • The hosts reflect on how Michael Jordan, once emotionally reserved as a basketball deity, is now visibly joyful as a NASCAR team owner.

    "He doesn't like his own presence and how it affects the game [of basketball]. He's a myth...but with NASCAR, it's new, it's fresh, it's challenging." – Dan Le Batard (39:12)

  • Jeremy adds that Jordan is finally allowed to "just be one of the guys" as a motorsport fan, contrasting with the isolating worship of his NBA days. (41:11)
• MJ’s Take on 'GOAT' Debate
  • Reference is made to Jordan’s comments downplaying the idea of a single 'GOAT', noting how every generation borrows from the last. (39:11)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Duke’s Collapse & Mentality

• "He would have been less surprised if someone had reached over and thrown his penis into the sea..." – Mike Ryan (22:56)

On College Basketball Pressure

• "You guys are, like, trying to put Luka Doncic level cool in a kid who's, like we said, but it's not." – Jeremy Schaap (06:12)

On Sports Randomness

• "That’s why we play the games, man. Sports, this is why we're here, right? Like, this is why we have jobs. Because shit like that happens." – Jeremy Schaap (28:13)

On Jordan’s Joy in NASCAR

• "He displays more joy on any given NASCAR race...than he ever did on the court." – Dan Le Batard (41:11)
• "When has Michael Jordan been allowed to be a fan of basketball? ...You don’t get to have fun with that." – Jeremy Schaap (41:50)

On the Tournament’s "Secret Sauce"

• "Duke was missing the secret sauce...But I really love the way that they played, especially throughout this tournament. They got a really difficult draw...But I just had a very difficult time wrapping my head around, like, a Coach K team makes that very same mistake. I couldn't see it." – Dan Le Batard (35:20)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description / Key Quote | |-----------|------------------------------------| | 02:09–03:55 | Breakdown of UConn’s miraculous win and Duke’s collapse | | 04:35–06:12 | Three-point shooting, the kids’ mentality, and coaching blame | | 09:58–10:47 | Duke’s battle with St. John’s sets up their undoing | | 12:01–14:07 | Goofy riffs on vampire theme music and introduction of "Fibula" | | 17:43–21:05 | Tournament joke updates (“looks like” bracket) | | 22:20–24:13 | Duke’s radio call, “the lament of the loser,” and fan psychology | | 30:35–31:33 | Why Duke’s specific brand of losing delights sports fans | | 39:12–41:11 | Michael Jordan finding joy—and himself—as a NASCAR owner |

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Episode Tone & Style

• Signature blend of sports analysis, humor, and playful irreverence.
• Frequent sidetracks, absurdist bits (“Fibula”), and pop-culture riffs.
• Emotionally invested, blending genuine commentary with comedic exaggeration.
• Honest, occasionally self-deprecating banter.

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Summary

For listeners seeking a deep, entertaining postmortem on the biggest storylines from March Madness, "The Lament Of The Loser" delivers with trademark flair and wit. The crew marvels at Duke’s improbable loss, debates the role of pressure, coaching, and experience, revels in the catharsis of watching smug dynasties falter, and finds common ground in the unpredictability of sports. All this, plus vampire jokes and a genuinely touching discussion of Michael Jordan's post-NBA joy, makes this episode a winning microcosm of what makes "The Big Suey" an essential listen.

Transcript

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[Mike Ryan]

Welcome to the Big Sui presented by DraftKings. Why are you listening to this show, the podcast that seems very similar to

[Jeremy Schaap]

the other Dan LeBatard podcast? I'm sorry, I'm not gonna apologize for that.

[Mike Ryan]

In fact, the only difference seems to be this imaging. I have been tempted in restaurants just walking past tables to grab somebody's fries if they're just there. That hasn't happened to you guys.

[Dan Le Batard]

I've done it.

[Jeremy Schaap]

And now here's the marching man to

[Mike Ryan]

Nowhere Fat Face and the habitual liar.

[Dan Le Batard]

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[Mike Ryan]

Was that the best moment of the tournament yesterday? Of all of the buzzer beaters? That was the moment obviously, with the greatest stakes. I would say as well, I was stunned that Duke lost that basketball game. The only time Duke trailed in that game before the end was being down 2 nothing and Connecticut was 1 for 18 from 3 and shouldn't have gotten back into that game. But listen to how delirious UConn's radio announcers are when Braylon Mullins, the most unlikely of people to be doing this, shot in this circumstance from nearly half court as Braylon Mullins goes off back

[Dan Le Batard]

to Saar now ahead to Kate Biden. Boozer and a steal. Mullins gets it. It's caravan to Mullins.

[Mike Ryan]

Long range three. Oh, it went in. Mullins delivers. Bedlam. Bedlam here. I mean, what does choking look like? Because I want to give credit to what Yukon did. They clawed back into a game they shouldn't have gotten back into. They were down 19. They were down 15. They. They were fortunate to be down only 15 at the half. And Mullins is a name for all time now. Correct. Like we're putting him in the pantheon as. As a name that introduced himself to America for all time because he did the thing that sports fans love the most. It's not just Duke losing, it's Duke choking. What were your thoughts on that final sequence? Because I'm the guy, I mean all the time. Who wants to celebrate the victor for the positive things. But this was the collapse of a bunch of Duke players who should be undefeated this season. I did not recognize Isaiah Evans. That's a great basketball player. Didn't recognize him in this basketball game. Falling down, just allowing fast break baskets because he was just completely invisible. How does Duke lose that basketball game other than breaking down mentally, when all you have to do is make sure you break the trap? All you have to do is float the ball up in the air, just throw it to the other side of the court, hold it if you want to. Anything but that.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Yeah, I think there's a couple of things that play. Number one is we see the variability of three point shooting and how it has a massive, massive impact on the game. Three point shot defense, we talk about this all the time. It's not your opponent percentage. Like all the numbers. All the studies have shown that for the most part, you don't impact their percentage. What you impact the most on the defensive end is their attempt. Are you taking the shot away? That's a good three point defense. But if you're saying we're gonna let them shoot and miss, you are living and dying with, they're either gonna make it or they're not. Right? And so they shoot one for 18. We got this game under control. They start making shots, all of a sudden it exposes all the holes that were there all along. It just. You were surviving off those missed shots. That' two. I talked about this either last week or two weeks ago. You're watching children play basketball. How do they coach that choke? Yeah, because children are out there who have never been in that position before. I was joking about it with Tony before the show today, Kaden Boozer never saw this at Columbus. Like, I'm sorry. Like, yeah, great player and a great pedigree and all that.

[Dan Le Batard]

Like, I mean, it's hard at every level of basketball. They've had to have gone under this exaggeration. A full court press. Yes, but. But to a point. I know at Columbus they would. They would, you know, run teams out of the building. But I. I hear you, and I'm sure John Shire said something in the huddle, or at least I hope he did, because it was a real coaching failure. Yeah, I understand their kids, and when they play where they played at high school, they're usually the bully team. But this is basketball 101. I. To me, like, I don't know. I think Shire's kind of skating. That was such a bad coaching mistake.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Right. Like, I. I'm with you on. If we want to put it on Shire, I'm 100% on board for that. I'm saying as far as the kid goes, it's not. I don't think he made that decision because he's like, oh, I've never seen a full court press before. Oh, maybe this will work. I think it's like, oh, shit, we're about to lose this. Like, that's what. He's a child, but he's like, 19 years old, 18 years old. There's no part of this. You guys are, like, trying to put, like, Luka Doncic level cool in a kid who's, like we said, but it's not.

[Mike Ryan]

We're about to lose this game. It's. I've got two guys streaking toward the

[Jeremy Schaap]

basket for dunks, and you're sitting like you're playing a video game and sitting back in the calm of your. Of your recliner and hitting pause on the game to go get a beer before you finish this game. That's not what's happening.

[Dan Le Batard]

Were they afraid to go to the free throw line? I don't.

[Jeremy Schaap]

I'm not saying, like, the decision was right. I'm saying that, hey, maybe, just maybe under incredibly stressful circumstances, people sometimes lose their cool, especially when they've never been stressed like that before.

[Mike Ryan]

Duke lost to Texas Tech first couple of weeks of the season by one point. They lost to North Carolina, a game that they were leading throughout. That was not unlike this game where they lost at the buzz because North Carolina made five threes in the last five minutes. A truly absurd game for Duke to lose, but Duke was and is the best team in this tournament. They should have been Undefeated. You can like Arizona, you can like Michigan. Duke's the number one overall seed. They shouldn't have lost this season. They shouldn't have lost a basketball game this season, and they sure as hell shouldn't have lost that one. Like, you cannot lose as the better team when the other team starts 1 for 18 from 3 and you're up 19 points.

[Dan Le Batard]

That's what we love about March, right? It almost gets to a point where both teams are equal. UConn was a great team this year also. They've been. I think I saw Hurley's been in the final four three, the last four years. Like, he's an incredible coach. They have an incredible program put together. And that's just one of those games where all of a sudden the playing level was completely even.

[Jeremy Schaap]

And the kid who made the shot as a freshman. But look at the rest of their roster. Those are all veteran players, guys who are juniors and seniors.

[Dan Le Batard]

They hung Caravans jersey and the rafters.

[Jeremy Schaap]

It's. It's like this is exactly what I'm talking about on the NBA level, albeit it's different. But the idea that, hey, when you have maybe not better talent, maybe not even equal talent, but close enough, but you got guys who have been there before, it makes a massive difference. Massive difference.

[Mike Ryan]

You think Mullins made that shot because of been there before?

[Jeremy Schaap]

No, he's a freshman. I said other than him.

[Dan Le Batard]

I think he made it because of legends.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, you say other than him, but the guy who took the shot, that's a panicked shot. Like they all.

[Jeremy Schaap]

That's a desperation shot, but.

[Mike Ryan]

But they needed two. Like he didn't have to shoot it from there. And if he had air balled it, we would have been like, what are you doing shooting it?

[Dan Le Batard]

He said after the game that he thought it was to tie it. Yeah. Oh, really? I mean, the, the. That's funny, especially considering what we're talking about.

[Mike Ryan]

Been there before.

[Dan Le Batard]

Because I was going to give Dan Hurley all sorts of credit.

[Jeremy Schaap]

But, but like I said, first of all, I preface by saying other than the guy who made the shot. Right? But also to get in a position to make that shot, they had to make that comeback, that they had to persevere under circumstances that were not ideal. On the opposite end, you don't think Duke recognizes, like this lead was this and now it's this and now it's this and now. Oh my God, it's a one possession game. Like that creeps into the mentality of players, young players, inexperienced players in a way that a veteran team Would not have choked that away.

[Mike Ryan]

I understand the theory of momentum, and I understand how everything gets a little bit tight. Duke's experience in close games this year is we lose them, like, because they didn't have that many close games. And this one was a crusher in a way that you saw on their entire sideline, how shocked everyone there was.

[Dan Le Batard]

I was a big believer, though, in what I saw against St. John's because that was a Duke team that hadn't been in that kind of physical battle all season long. You could see it manifest on the court. Like, seven minutes into that game, Duke realized, oh, we're going to have to tap into something that we haven't had to all season. This team is dragging us into a rock fight. And I thought they grew so much from that. I was so impressed with Duke's ability to climb back into that game, take a punch and keep rolling, and I thought that they would tap into that, and they were displaying that for a very long time. For them to be undone by between the years stuff after that specific challenge from Pitino and them boys, that was kind of surprising. And it makes me think that Dan Hurley is actually who, like, the Internet thinks Tom Izzo is. Like, Dan Hurley is that dude. Three. Three Final fours in this era, in five years. Crazy.

[Jeremy Schaap]

He's a great coach. Like, that's. I don't think that's ever been up for question. Right. Like, I think what he's been able to do is a combination of a guy who's. He's been around the block too, obviously. But also, man, you talk about this era. This era, a lot of it is having older players like, we are back to, hey, give me older guys, because they're not going to make the mistakes that younger guys do. And because of those mistakes that they make, we are able to capitalize even when it's the youngest among us who's taking that last shot.

[Mike Ryan]

Did someone mention St. John's. Did you guys see what Pitino resigned for? Because he just got. He just became the second highest coach in the highest paid coach in the Big east behind only Hurley signed through 2930. So he's going to be approaching 880 years old at the end of this next contract. He. He' being paid a ton. He's made it all the way back.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Bl. He doesn't look a day over 30. I'm fibula.

[Mike Ryan]

This.

[Dan Le Batard]

This music. Why did we, you know, put this with vampires? Like, why did we associate this song with vampires?

[Jeremy Schaap]

It was a banger back in the day. In Transylvania.

[Dan Le Batard]

I know, but you think like, somebody's like, you know, that's a good vampire song.

[Jeremy Schaap]

It does give off, like, the guy

[Dan Le Batard]

that made it was like, I didn't make this for vampires. But now we've been overtaken by vampires. The idea of the guy who made this being like, this is a nice light jam, huh?

[Mike Ryan]

Wait, why are you playing? You're doing a guitar. Why are you playing a guitar instead of an organ?

[Dan Le Batard]

And Tony's like, I'm visualizing what Tony was thinking. This guy when he made it, it's true.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Then he used to do it on the guitar, and then they switched to organ. I'm Fibula, the lying vampire.

[Mike Ryan]

Wait a minute.

[Dan Le Batard]

He's got like a key organ.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Like a organ Tar a guitar.

[Mike Ryan]

Yes, But, Oregon, I want to get answers to some of these questions. I don't know. Who is the original vampire? Is it Bela Lugosi? Is that the original movie vampire?

[Dan Le Batard]

Nosferatu?

[Jeremy Schaap]

No, it was me, Fibula. Trust me.

[Mike Ryan]

Okay, look, I need to object to something that you just did there. I thought it was funnier, okay, the first two times you introduced Fibula telling obvious lies as a callback than you then telling us what? I'm Fibula, the Dracula, the vampire who doesn't tell the truth. I appreciate the context that you offer, but I found Fibula slightly heavy handed there. I thought he should have just continued lying to us with just crazy lies. Like, Pitino looks 30.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Well, I'll go back to my good friend George Carlin and tell him that Dan Levitar doesn't think this is funny.

[Mike Ryan]

Jeremy, what is the answer to the question as to how this organ that Chris played with the air guitar became the sound that accompanies vampires into a room?

[Dan Le Batard]

A, that's the air keytar that he's playing right there, so it's perfectly fine. But B, this is a original composition by not Johann Santana, but Johann Sebastian Bach. And it was used in the 1931 film Dracula. So it then became used throughout gothic horror films for the foreseeable future. And that's why we associate.

[Jeremy Schaap]

It was my idea.

[Dan Le Batard]

Hey, Roy, buddy. Yo. You know that energy shift when the game gets good and everybody all together in unison knows to stand up on their feet? Oh, absolutely. Mike. Yeah? You've been at many big time sporting events. You know that moment quite well. That's what it's like when you take your first sip of Cuervo. Oh, delicious. It's the signal that says, we're not checking the time anymore, pal. It's when small talk turns into stories. Cuervo man, it's that high five, a random stranger effect. That's right. The game is popping. You're hugging people you never met before. That's the kind of energy that Cuervo brings. It's so smooth, so delicious. That's the Cuervo effect. Keep it Cuervo, folks, listen up. DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one sportsbook for live betting, is built for March. The tournament is unpredictable, but the rewards are guaranteed, and DraftKings is delivering some of the most generous rewards in the market. New to DraftKings bet just $5 and get $200 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use Code Dan. That's Code dan to turn five bucks into 200 in bonus bets instantly in partnership with DraftKings. The crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER or 1-800-MYRESET NEW YORK Call 877-8-HOPE and WHY or text HOPE and WHY. CONNECTICUT. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org on behalf of Boothill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax Pass through may apply in Illinois, 21 and over in most states. Void in on Apply. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. For additional terms or responsible gaming resources, see sportsbook.draftkings.com promos Limited time offer

[Mike Ryan]

the

[Dan Le Batard]

world moves fast your workday even faster Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. Microsoft 365 Copilot is your AI assistant for work built into Word, Excel, PowerPoint and other Microsoft 365 apps you use, helping you quickly write, analyze, create and summarize so you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work. Learn [e-mail] M365 copilot Don LeBatard it sounds to me like everybody could use a hug because a hug is always the right size Stugats All I have put in my body today is three cups of coffee and an entire cup of hug. Don't let him fool you. He said in the break that he's jittery. This is the Dan Levatar show with a two guards.

[Mike Ryan]

Why did you throw Johan S It's

[Dan Le Batard]

important cuz I wanted to get us back to baseball. Dan. You know owen Casey started 5 for 10 with two doubles and a walk off homer. That was the trade for Edward Cabrera and the Marlin starting pitching. The Marlin started pitching, had 19 innings pitched in their first three games. That's as many starting pitcher innings as three of the four teams that played four games in this opening weekend. Their starting pitching was amazing. Their pitcher era was two steam. Dan, how'd you do?

[Mike Ryan]

You thought we should go from fibula to Johan Santana baseball. That was where your judgment took you. You decided, you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring it back to the Marlins pitching staff.

[Dan Le Batard]

Yeah, I can't fib with you. I wanted to talk about it.

[Jeremy Schaap]

I think he's really funny. You should definitely not kick him out.

[Mike Ryan]

Let's update our tournament here and get rid of all of these sweet 16 losers that we have. And Jeremy, I don't know what I have to do in this arbitration hearing to get you to turn down the bad jokes by about 99%.

[Jeremy Schaap]

I already have.

[Mike Ryan]

A lot of you have, have you? Arkansas, a 4.4seed, lost to Arizona. That means this is now gone from our tournament.

[Dan Le Batard]

Brock Purdy looks like a youth pastor.

[Mike Ryan]

Number 11, Texas is gone from the tournament, lost to Purdue, barely. That means this is gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Adam Silver looks like an Apple watch charger. That one's gone. So many Adam Silvers, but that one's gone.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm looking at the Final Four right now, and there's only one remaining Adam Silver in our Final Four, and it's because UConn won with that buzzer beater. Otherwise all of the Adam Silvers would be gone. So I want to keep updating our tournament here before we. Before we get to the Final Four here. The amount of chalk in this tournament made it so that we were that shot away from three number ones and a three. For all of the talk of madness, it doesn't tend be a whole lot of madness.

[Jeremy Schaap]

The.

[Mike Ryan]

The sweetest and the most surprising of runs would have to be considered Iowa. Correct. Because because they were a nine seed and because they were lingering around there and they beat the one seed, a

[Dan Le Batard]

lot of takes are flying because these last two consecutive March Madness tournaments have been very chalky and a lot of people are saying nil. I would remind you we're not too far removed from a Final Four that had San Diego State, FAU and Miami in it with the one big dog in. In UConn winning the whole thing. And that was the nil era. I do think that there is something to these programs navigating the nil waters, having a couple seasons to learn from their mistakes and grow. And that's why you see the bigger. The bigger programs with bigger budgets getting here. But I think two years in a single elimination tournament to start having hot takes flying the way that they are saying that the tournament's ruined. We're never going to have Cinderellas. We're never going to have a George Mason. Kent State. I also think that that's kind of knee jerk, considering the Final 4 shirt from 2023 is objectively hilarious.

[Mike Ryan]

Let's look at how Houston got eliminated. The two seed loss to Illinois, which scores an awful lot. Houston gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Ed Malloy looks like the guy who brushes his teeth in the company bathroom.

[Mike Ryan]

That hurts. Number four, Nebraska is also gone. This one's dead on.

[Dan Le Batard]

Bo Nix looks like he's a quarterback on a CW. Teen drama about high school football.

[Jeremy Schaap]

He does.

[Mike Ryan]

St. John's is gone. Even though Rick Pitino lives forever, that means this is gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Scott Hansen looks like an orthodontist.

[Mike Ryan]

Number four, Alabama's gone. Lost to Michigan. Michigan looked pretty overwhelming this weekend. What happened to Alabama?

[Dan Le Batard]

Paul Finebaum looks like the maitre d at a fancy restaurant.

[Mike Ryan]

Michigan State is gone. Michigan state lost to UConn. That means this is gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Adam Silver looks like a pissed off lighthouse.

[Mike Ryan]

And number two, Iowa State lost its best player. So this was gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Kurt Signetti looks like the uncle who comes to your house for Thanksgiving and before even saying hello, says your door knobs loose.

[Mike Ryan]

So that means we've got our tournament. And I'm going to update what happened over the Elite Eight results in a second and tell you who it is that we have left. But I think. I think all the ones that we have left, take a look at this list. I mean, the green ones are the ones that are remaining. Those are all pretty good. And I think people are going to be happy with what it is that our Final Four looks like. But let's get the sound. Chris, can we get the sound? We played the UConn announcers being excited by the call at the end of the game. This right here is the lament of the loser. Look how quickly Duke's announcers go to the rule book and infractions and wanting to make a very quick ruling on something that nobody cares about. Hey, look at those excited guys. One of them was on the court. UConn's not allowed to do that. Where are our free throws?

[Dan Le Batard]

Bobbled it back for Star. Needs to get rid of. It does for Kaden. 7 seconds. Tried to throw it ahead. Deflected. Stolen by Connecticut. Two seconds. It's Mullins up top for the win. Oh, he hit it with 3/10 of a second to go. Valakai Smith ran off the bench. That should be a technical, but with 3/10 of a second to go, Connecticut has the lead, 73 to 72.

[Mike Ryan]

That wouldn't have been a technical if all the UConn players had dropped their shorts at mid court and mooned the entire Duke bench.

[Jeremy Schaap]

I feel good, Tub.

[Dan Le Batard]

Top for the win. Oh, he hit it. Oh, he hit it. Oh, he hit it. What an insight into Duke's mentality that is.

[Mike Ryan]

This feels just like the opposite of, do you believe in miracles?

[Dan Le Batard]

Top for the win.

[Mike Ryan]

Oh, Never has there been less emotion with a more emotional moment.

[Dan Le Batard]

Up. Top for the win. Oh, he hit it.

[Jeremy Schaap]

He sounds surprised.

[Dan Le Batard]

For the win. Oh, he hit it.

[Mike Ryan]

He would have been less surprised if someone had reached over and thrown his penis into the sea, like, just for the win.

[Dan Le Batard]

Oh, he hit it. Smith ran off the bench. That should be a technical.

[Mike Ryan]

You can't.

[Dan Le Batard]

That part is so good. He's pointing. He's definitely pointing right when he says, that's my favorite part.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Can you guys hear the difference in energy between the first sentence and the second sentence? And then as he's saying it out loud, he's like, oh, this is a dumb idea.

[Dan Le Batard]

Malachi Smith ran off the bench. That should be a technical. He's a fan. And then he goes back into broadcast, realizes the situation.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm going to explain something to you guys here that is uproariously funny about what the lament of the loser is. That was one of the greatest moments in the history of that sport. And the announcer met it with, oh, he hit it. But a guy runs on the court and that he met with a lot of enthusiasm.

[Dan Le Batard]

One time, Ty Smith ran off the bench.

[Mike Ryan]

That's how you call what you just saw. Not somebody who was a bench player running one foot onto the court.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Dan, what you're hearing is the desperation of someone grasping at whatever lifeline they can. I just need to survive. I need one last little bit of hope.

[Dan Le Batard]

Malachi Smith ran off the bench. That should be a technical.

[Mike Ryan]

He realized how pathetic he was in that moment.

[Dan Le Batard]

He's like, I need to bring it down a little bit.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Exactly, Exactly.

[Mike Ryan]

Can you imagine if they had called that in that situation?

[Dan Le Batard]

No, I can't even imagine it.

[Mike Ryan]

I just want everyone, though, to fully absorb. Okay, you just witnessed one of the greatest moments in the history of that tournament. And what you saw on the sideline is give them a parking ticket.

[Jeremy Schaap]

They got a jaywalking.

[Mike Ryan]

They got. They got to. You got to give them a. We got a point there. What are they doing? Why is that guy. Why. Why is that guy happy over there? Look how unhappy I Am. And why is that guy on the court? It really showed restraint that only one UConn player ran on the court. And then immediately, I don't know if you guys saw what he did. He immediately then went to the sideline and held everyone else back when he was the only one that good on him.

[Jeremy Schaap]

And you know what that is? Savvy veteran move. Malachi Smith senior

[Mike Ryan]

the thing about experience, I mean, obviously this makes sense. What you're talking about makes sense. All of these kids are learning how to play basketball. I don't make them children. Camboosers not a child. They're not toddlers, but they are inexperienced and they are learning how to play basketball. But I remember toward the end with the San Antonio spurs of Duncan, Ginobili and Parker, whenever they won, it's because they were. Whenever they lost, it's because they'd gotten old. I don't believe that experience is what won UConn that basketball game. Making threes at the end is what won UConn that basketball game. And it's not because they have some great experience in coming back in basketball games. They got drowned in the Big east tournament by Pitino and St. John's and there was no recovering from it.

[Jeremy Schaap]

They.

[Mike Ryan]

The way they lost to Pitino makes me not believe in that basketball team. I don't think they belong in the Final Four. I think the championship is going to be played between Michigan and Arizona, that Michigan and Arizona are going to play the championship. That. That is a spectacular basketball game and that's where it will be decided. And I don't actually mean that as a knock on UConn. They just lost me, by the way, that Pitino did that to them.

[Jeremy Schaap]

I think, again, I think the idea isn't that experience is a cure all for everything, but experience allows you to navigate rough waters. In the case of UConn, the experience helped them. We're down, but we're not out of this game. And we know that there's a certain level of execution that we can bring to the table. And obviously making shots is part of execution that allows them to have the belief to go ahead and win this. At the same time, a lack of experience can do the opposite. It can make you doubt yourself in those moments, in those navigating those rough waters. UConn's rough waters, they were down. Duke's rough waters, they were up, but that up was shrinking. How do you respond in those moments, those little mistakes that allow for those threes to get taken, not just made, but taken. That's what we're talking about here. And those margins, that's where experience comes up. It can never substitute talent, but if the talent is close enough, it can close that gap.

[Mike Ryan]

Do you know how weird it is and improbable it is statistically to be the lesser team? Go 1 for 18 to start your game and end up in the final four. Go 1 for 18 from three to start a game. Get down 19 to a Duke basketball team. Are we not in agreement that the Duke basketball team put together the season that deserved the overall number one seed? They lost three times all season. All of them.

[Jeremy Schaap]

All.

[Mike Ryan]

They lost by a combined four points this season. Otherwise, they're undefeated. A combined. Is it. Is it Jeremy? Is it even four? Did North Carolina also beat them by one?

[Jeremy Schaap]

Did.

[Mike Ryan]

Did they.

[Dan Le Batard]

I just know they're your new Los Angeles Rams. I will tell you as soon as I see the schedule.

[Jeremy Schaap]

This is. This is the deal, Dan. It's. This is. Someone said it before the show. I can't remember who. That's why they play the games, man. You can have the Patriots were the most amazing. Oh my God. And they had a book already written. They already wrote the book. That's how good those guys were.

[Dan Le Batard]

They lost by three to Unc, right?

[Jeremy Schaap]

And then here come the Giants, who are a wild card. Does that make sense? It doesn't. But guess what? That's why we play the games, man. Sports, this is why we're here, right? Like this is why we have jobs. Because shit like that happens.

[Dan Le Batard]

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[Jeremy Schaap]

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[Mike Ryan]

at the Home Depot.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Exclusions apply. See homedepot.com pricematch for details.

[Dan Le Batard]

Don LeBatard I went in the margins. I'm like. I'm like, you're Moneyball of sex. I'm basically Scott Hatterberg. Stugats a lot of walks, but I'm on base when it comes to sex. A lot of foul tips. Other, other dudes, they can be Giambi. You know your role, you play. I know my role. This is the Dan Levatar show with the Stugach.

[Mike Ryan]

Well, the thing that I was bringing up during the shadow show that I will put in front of you guys again in the case of my lifetime, I'm trying to think of something that, that brings sports fans more joy. Not than Duke losing, which is very high on the list, but Duke specifically choking. Duke being laughed at. Duke being, at the end, dumb. The smart school. The school that thinks it's smarter than you. The Harvard of sports being dumb at the end. You didn't get a lot of chances to do this to Krzyzewski. There weren't. There weren't a lot of. There were opportunities to laugh at them because they lost. There weren't a lot of opportunities to laugh at them because they disintegrated. Because I'm going to say it again, the only other time UConn led in that game was two to nothing.

[Dan Le Batard]

It's just a little weird for, like, UConn to be the benefactor because, like, this decade, I'd probably be more sick of seeing Yukon, right? I'd have more Yukon fatigue than Duke fatigue.

[Jeremy Schaap]

And Hurley is definitely a polarizing figure.

[Dan Le Batard]

He's way more annoying to, like, the average sports fan than anybody on Duke. Duke was missing the secret sauce, although they have it with their head coach.

[Jeremy Schaap]

John Shire was pretty annoying as a player. Let me just throw that one out there.

[Dan Le Batard]

Pretty, pretty annoying. We did miss an incredible coaching matchup, I think because it was during the weekend we had Mick Cronin vs. Dan Hurley in a coach off of, like, who could get redder. It was incredible. I was watching. I was like, this is great.

[Mike Ryan]

Let me go ahead and update the Elite 8 results because we've lost some, some teams that hurt the moment that Purdue left. That means that this also left Jonathan Zaslow.

[Dan Le Batard]

Looks like he says, oh, Spaghettio. When he sees someone pulled over.

[Mike Ryan]

Zaslow is skiing. I am told that we will be sent videos of some sort from his skiing escap. But that means Arizona remains in the tournament. And thankfully, Jonathan Zaslow remains in the tournament.

[Dan Le Batard]

Jonathan Zaslow looks like an off duty mime

[Jeremy Schaap]

on a smoke break.

[Dan Le Batard]

You can argue that Arizona has been a better team than Duke has. Realistically, Dan.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, Arizona's great.

[Dan Le Batard]

Arizona's 34 and 2. They lost to Texas Tech in overtime. Lost to Kansas. Like they're one of the bet the great teams. We're not talking about them.

[Mike Ryan]

I mean, they are a one seed and they could have been the overall number one seed. And I wouldn't have objected. I was not. I was gone. That means this is gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Mike McDaniel looks like the barista who asks if you've ever tried journaling while making your oat milk latte. It's a good one. Good run. Little too detaily. Good run for that one.

[Mike Ryan]

Amin doesn't like that one. Illinois. This one's accurate. So Illinois's gone.

[Dan Le Batard]

Tony Reali looks like the overzealous owner of an Italian restaurant who always greets you at the door with a my favorite couple. When you walk in, I misspoke.

[Mike Ryan]

So that advances.

[Dan Le Batard]

That's in the Final Four, buddy.

[Mike Ryan]

And that is in the Final Four. Yes, Tennessee is gone. That means this will not be participating in the Final Four.

[Dan Le Batard]

Pete Alonso looks like a police officer who, even when he's not working, still asks what's your 20? When waiting for you to arrive.

[Mike Ryan]

Michigan deserves to advance. Over the last few years, Michigan is the only team I've seen having seven footers set screens for seven footers. Michigan advances. That means this advance.

[Dan Le Batard]

Michael Smith looks like the high school teacher that motivates his students by sitting in a chair backwards 100%.

[Jeremy Schaap]

I think that's who he is. By the way, like the Tony Alia one.

[Mike Ryan]

How do you feel about Duke being eliminated and therefore this being eliminated?

[Dan Le Batard]

Fernando Mendoza looks like the cashier in a 1960s McDonald's poster.

[Jeremy Schaap]

That's a good one, man.

[Mike Ryan]

The hairy arms there and the watch are really good. Yukon advances. That means that Adam Silver has only one tournament team this year getting to the Final Four.

[Dan Le Batard]

Adam Silver looks like a newly opened Chapstick.

[Mike Ryan]

So, I mean, there have only been two schools to be eliminated from the NCAA tournament in three straight years after holding a substantive halftime lead in all of the games. Six plus points being considered substantive. It's not a lot of points, but it's John Shire's Duke team the last three years and Bruce Pearl's Auburn team 2023 through 2025. There is something Mentioning. And he doesn't have this wrong. He's mentioning that Yukon has been more relevant over the last year. But Duke is grandfathered in on hatred, literally. From your grandfather.

[Dan Le Batard]

I get that.

[Mike Ryan]

Several generations.

[Dan Le Batard]

I get that. But it's Yukon. Like, they're. They're. They're great, too. They're. They're the ones that I'm sick of seeing. I actually really like this Duke team. And I was kind of like, I know they got Miami guys, too. That's part of it. They're missing a little secret sauce, which is also part of it. It. But I really love the way that they played, especially throughout this tournament. They got a really difficult draw. They were going through, like, all these. These henchmen, these big, bad bosses at these levels that you would like to see a team like that conquer izzo patino. And. And they were going to smite Dan Hurley, and they fell short there. And again, I think Shire's like, that's the first time that I'm like, ooh. Like, that's where you miss Coach K. They're recruiting at a very high level. But I just had a very difficult time wrapping my head around, like, a Coach K team makes that very same mistake. I couldn't see it. My abuelo didn't really much care for Duke at all. Like, he didn't care about basketball. He's like, why are you playing? Why don't you play baseball? And I was like, no, I'm not that good.

[Mike Ryan]

But your abuelo probably cared about Michael Jordan because he transcends all of basketball. And now he's suddenly very available in interviews, like NASCAR. He's on ESPN's wonderful Sunday Morning show. The. The show that is from another time, A magazine type of show. ESPN Sunday morning. Yes.

[Dan Le Batard]

The gearhead was just destroyed, Dan.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Oh, did it just break apart?

[Dan Le Batard]

I lost a lot of gears.

[Mike Ryan]

Oh, no. I saw it fall off your head. You turned around like you were gonna turn around dramatically to reveal that you were wearing the gearhead.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Can I say, Mike, you were trying to fit it over your headphones, over your baseball cap, dude. You were kind of playing with fire there, man.

[Dan Le Batard]

I was.

[Mike Ryan]

Oh, no.

[Dan Le Batard]

Geez. Yes. So many.

[Mike Ryan]

The gearhead. There are many pieces to the gearhead. It was made lovingly by Mike Fuentes. So now you're very excited because you get to talk about Michael Jordan. He is all of a sudden a lot more available than he was for interviews when he was losing all the time as the owner in Charlotte. Why don't you catch us up, Mike, on All gearhead related things, and we'll try to ignore that. The gear head itself is in shambles. The helmet has broken apart.

[Dan Le Batard]

Well, it's important to know that this gearhead segment is brought to you by Cuervo. For every lap. Keep it fun.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Labels out, labels out. There you go.

[Dan Le Batard]

Keep it Cuervo.

[Jeremy Schaap]

Attaboy.

[Dan Le Batard]

So Martinsville short track racing finally back on the NASCAR circuit. Denny Hamlin was bossing this race as he usually does at Martinsville, but Chase Elliott had other plans. At the paperclip, Daniel a pit stop was where this race was won. They take a gamble, they get the short pit stop. Hendrick Motorsports on top for the first time all season, was worried about them. I know that they can't rely on the 48 car. So the number nine, the son of Bill from Dawsonville, Chase Elliott, takes the race at Martinsville. But for me, the main NASCAR story was what we saw at CBS Sunday morning because it's very rare when you get a Michael Jordan availability. It's only afforded to Peacock for several million dollars or he sits down with Gayle King because he loves talking about nascar. And this dude is a completely different guy around this sport. What I love so much about NASCAR and going to these races is how fan friendly these events are. If you have pit access, garage access, the drivers are right there. And it's not hard to get. No, no, no, no, no. It's not hard to get. You can be on the, you can be on the finish line like 20 minutes before the race and the drivers are all there. And you would think Michael Jordan would be inaccessible to even like a top tier, like, fan package. He's not. He's sitting right there. You can reach out and touch him if you want. And he doesn't seem to mind it. And I thought the, the most interesting quote that he had, I know first take might do something with his like, goat commentary, saying there, there's no such thing as a goat because everybody borrows from different generations.

[Mike Ryan]

It.

[Dan Le Batard]

But I thought when he revealed he likes being around nascar, he's got something to give to this sport, whereas when he's around the game of basketball, he doesn't like his own presence and how it affects the game. He's a myth. He's in many ways larger than the game itself, and that wears on him. And he's got this weird relationship with being around basketball, attending games times. Whereas with nascar, it's something new, it's something fresh, it's challenging, it's not something that he can put the ball in. His hands and be great. It's adversity for him, and he's really gravitating to that at this stage in life. I mean, I know you saw the CBS Sunday Morning piece. What'd you think?

[Jeremy Schaap]

No, I thought about, first of all, the last time I saw him that energized and excited talking about something was probably when he talked about playing baseball, right? Because the idea is, like, this isn't a place where I'm a deity. And if I scratch my ear, everyone's like, that's how you scratch your ear on the right side. That's the only way to do it. Because Michael Jordan does it that way to, like, no, I can just be one of the guys or as close to one of the guys as he probably can experience in his life. But the other thing is also, I know that a lot of people were surprised, and I'm like, hey, man, he. You want to talk about just a good old boy. He is from Wilmington, North Carolina. He is a product of the American South. And, yeah, he likes stuff like that. He likes nascar. He had a motor motorcycle team before this. He's built his way up to NASCAR ownership. And this is. It reminds me a lot, Dan, when we have people come on, like, act famous actors or comedians, and we talk to them about sports and they light up. Because like every other interview, you just want to know about, hey, how fun was it to make Anaconda with Paul Rudd? Like, oh, he's great. He's such an amazing actor, whatever. And now all of a sudden, it's like, hey, what do you think about the Kansas City Chiefs? Like, oh, now finally someone's gonna ask me about something that I am passionate about. I'm interested in that isn't this identity thing that I have to walk with

[Dan Le Batard]

every single day, Dan, Like Kobe to a very large extent, and a Rod, too. They kind of modeled Jeter. They modeled their behavior around a cerebral Michael Jordan that there was one NBA Finals that he won after his dad passed, where he left that emotion out. But he wasn't this joyful player. He displays more joy on any given NASCAR race, hopping over the barrier and congratulating his driver than he ever did on the court. And for me, as someone that grew up lucky enough to watch Jordan dominate the game and become bigger than the game itself. It's really strange and refreshing to watch.

[Jeremy Schaap]

If you think about, like, this, Mike, like, when has Michael Jordan been allowed to be a fan of basketball, right? Like, even going back to North Carolina, he's been a machine obsessed with dominating, right? You don't get to have fun with that. You get to just treat it as a serious job, which he has to probably the greatest extent of anyone in the history of the game. NASCAR is like, there's no part of this where he could be like, oh, man, let me get behind the wheel. Like, I can't do this. I'm just a fan. Yeah, I own it. Yeah, I. I fund it. But it's like, at the end of the day, it's the joy of. I'm a fan.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm gonna go back, though, to Michael Jordan when he's in the gym in North Carolina, and I'm gonna go next to him, and I'm gonna stand next to him when he's at practice, and I'll be like, you're not gonna believe it. You're gonna be the best ever at this. But what's gonna excite you is baseball in nascar.

[Dan Le Batard]

Mike, you know I have one rule to live by, right? Don't place parlays on multiple long shots. Don't say a game is won when it hasn't hit triple zero. Always drink your Jagermeister ice cold. That's the rule. Everything else is merely a suggestion. Everything else? Everything else. Wearing clean underwear every day, well, that's just a personal decision. Brushing your teeth, obviously smart, but not a rule. Never pee. Pee on an electric fence. Okay, maybe there are two rules, but the one that is a hundred percent, that I insist on completely, Jagermeister must be drank ice cold or don't drink it at all. Damn, that's cold. Exactly. You're finally starting to get it. Drink responsibly. Jagermeister liqueur, 35% alcohol by volume, imported by mass Jagermeister, US White Plains, NY.