B (2:29)

I really appreciated what you put together and thank you for all the ladies that came out and self defended with us.

A (2:35)

Self defended. So this guest, her name is Abby. And this is quite an episode. It is a two parter.

B (2:42)

It's, there's, it's a lot. You guys, I'm just gonna warn you. It's, it's. Let's just say that it's. It hit me in, in the gonads like it was. It hit me hard.

A (2:54)

Yeah. I'm going to give some major trigger warnings. We do talk about mental illness and multiple personality disorder comes up. We'll get into it. There's definite rape and sexual assault. So please protect your heart. And if I haven't said this in a while, but if there's ever an episode where you're like, I don't know if the subject matters for me, but I want to know what it is about. People have DMed us before and we've just like sent you a summary.

B (3:18)

Yeah.

A (3:18)

Because I get it, like, it can be dark sometimes. Yeah.

B (3:22)

And these are real stories that happen to real people. So we feel a sense of pride when we can share them for you and when we can be an ear and a platform. But it is dark for some people to hear and also very triggering. So thank you for allowing our guests to share their stories. So we appreciate you guys listening and just being there for them.

A (3:42)

And thank you, Abby, for coming on and being so vulnerable. You guys are gonna love her.

C (3:46)

Yeah.

B (3:46)

You really will. What else is. Oh, and everybody who sends in their stories, we are so grateful for. You keep sending them. Investigate at the datingdetectives podcast. Com. Thank you so much for always listening. Thank you to our patreoners.

A (4:00)

You can.

B (4:01)

There's the $5 tier, but also the $9 a month tier which is ad free listening. So thank you to everyone who is already in the patreon and just thank you for listening in general. So just wanted to announce a little bit of our gratitude. So are we ready to meet Abby?

A (4:17)

I'm so ready.

C (4:18)

I love her.

A (4:19)

Bring her in.

B (4:20)

Let's do it. Abby, thank you so much for being here. We are ready to hear your story and I think the audience is too. Well, I don't Know how ready, but we'll see.

C (4:35)

But please take this.

A (4:36)

We're as ready as we'll ever be. Hi. You have the floor.

C (4:39)

Perfect. Okay. So my story starts in February of 2019, when I'm about 22 years old. I'm in college at the time, and my best friend is named Laura. Her and I are at a party, and she introduces me to a guy named Peter. And when I first met Peter, I thought he was this, like, shy little puppy. He was really dorky and lanky, super boyish, with this, like, kind of childlike energy, and it made him super, super endearing.

B (5:07)

And there's something cute about the dorkiness. I love. I love dorkiness. How did she know him? Was she just. Just someone she knew from.

C (5:15)

They were loosely friends in high school, and so she just was like, hey, come to this party with me. And he was, you know, like I said, he's, like, idealistic and fun, and he was honestly just genuinely excited to be at this party, to be, like, a part of something. And so I was working as.

A (5:31)

I love that. This is, like, the beginning of college, like, freshman year. No, you were 22. You were towards the end.

C (5:37)

I was 22, yep. So I was in junior year of college.

A (5:42)

Was he the same age?

C (5:44)

He was a year and a half younger than me. Okay, so Laura is a year and a half younger than me, too. We met in our theater program, and so kind of just all fit together. So we ended up, like, adopting him into our friend group because, again, he was just a little guy. So we're like, hey, come on. Come hang out with us. And both Peter and I at this point are dating people. I'm dating. The house party I went to was for the boyfriend at the time his birthday. And Peter's dating someone named Gina, who I didn't know very well. When we were hanging out, Peter claimed that his high school girlfriend was cheating on him or cheated on him during that relationship. And I had also been cheated on before, so we kind of, like, loosely bonded over that, so we, like, really hit it off. And then in March, my current boyfriend ended up cheating on me. One of my friends. Ew. So, yeah, so it left me feeling pretty vulnerable. And again, he was in our group, so, you know, we were just spent a lot of time talking about it, and my whole little group of friends was really comforting and sweet about it. And then in April, Peter and his girlfriend Gina break up as well. So after that happened, he first goes after Laura, and he says they're soulmates. The love of his life. Yep.

A (7:01)

Like, how soon after.

C (7:04)

I would, like, it was probably like a couple weeks or a month. But they'd known each other for a while, so it wasn't like super out of the blue or anything. I was like, oh, that makes sense. You guys have known each other for a while. Maybe you have natural chemistry. Maybe that is true.

B (7:17)

Right.

C (7:17)

But the ruler turns them down because she's like, I'm kind of more interested in seeing women. You know, you're not really my type. But there's this girl I really like and, like, I appreciate you as a friend, but this is not really working for me. And I felt so bad for him with his little puppy energy. He was so sad. I know. So we started hanging out, and I was like, hey, you want to. You know, I'd invite him to go with me. We go on hikes together. We go out to eat together. Really casual. But I slowly began to catch feelings for him because he was just a really, like, wholesome guy. At the beginning, we were bonding over, like, music and movies and philosophy, and he seemed really worldly. So we talk about traveling the world and where he wanted to go, and it almost seemed like we liked all the same thing. So it really just lined up really nicely.

A (8:06)

He sounds delightful.

C (8:08)

Yeah, at this point, he does sound really delightful.

B (8:10)

You know, unfortunately, key words at this point.

A (8:13)

At this point.

C (8:14)

And then we spent like one night together. We were talking up till like, 4am he comforts me about the cheating. We were really bonding. It's really affirming. He gives me this praise and treats me like, you know, I'm being the cat's meow, essentially. Like, I'm just like, holy smokes. I've never felt this validated in my life. And there are men that really care. So I was feeling so good at the time. And then I think it was like a week or two later, he texts me and he tells me he has throat cancer.

B (8:44)

Throat cancer? Oh, God.

C (8:45)

She goes in, oh, God, throat cancer. And I was like, oh, okay. You know, you didn't bring this up before, but we don't know each other super well, so totally plausible. Something he said he wanted to keep on the down low because, you know, it's a big deal.

A (8:59)

Okay. So it wasn't like I just got diagnosed. He was like, I've been living with this.

C (9:04)

Yes. He's like, I've been living with this. It's something I've been dealing with. And he goes, it is a big deal, but it's something that I don't Want a lot of people to know about because it changes how people talk to you.

B (9:15)

Oh, okay. That makes sense.

C (9:17)

I get it. Yeah. So he gets and goes in surgery and gets out the same day, which is weird because from what I know, I have had multiple people in my life who have had cancer. And it's usually like, chemo appointments, surgery, like, more intensive. They're in the hospital. But he got out, I think, like, two hours after went into the hospital, had the surgery, got out the same day.

B (9:41)

That doesn't even take that long for anesthesia. Like, that's how long it takes to fill out the paperwork. Yes, Two hours for throat cancer surgery.

C (9:50)

And so I was like, okay, you know, what do I know? I'm 22. I've never had cancer. I've never had a surgery in my life. So I said, okay, like, you know, and no reason I don't know any better.

B (10:01)

No reason not to trust him up to now.

A (10:03)

Yeah.

C (10:03)

And he's super. Like, I said that, like, boyish innocence is just like, oh, yeah, buddy. Like, you probably did have that. And I'm glad it only took two hours.

B (10:15)

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C (10:45)

Risk.

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A (12:06)

So we always talk about community on this show. It's so important. And I think the holidays are such a perfect time to strengthen that community. And they're almost here, which is crazy.

B (12:18)

Even believe it.

A (12:20)

And especially if you are hosting this holiday season, which is I, it is really, I love like Thanksgiving with my mom is the host mostly, but I always go and help. And as the holiday approaches, it is very stressful, but it's so worth it. Wayfair makes it so much less stressful because if it's gifts you're getting or if maybe you need more holiday decor or you know, Christmas trees, wreaths, inflatables for the front yard, Wayfair's got all of that. It also.

B (12:46)

Oh, and like for Thanksgiving when you have the matching plates and for cookware.

C (12:50)

Yeah.

A (12:51)

Oh my gosh, totally. If you're hosting someone like as a, like that's staying with you, they've got everything for your guest room.

B (12:57)

They've got so satisfying.

A (12:59)

Linens.

C (13:00)

Yeah.

A (13:00)

Accent chairs, whatever you need. Wayfair's the best.

B (13:05)

I'm obsessed with Wayfair. They have everything I have gotten. I can get things for my 11 year old son. I can get things for my mom, my friends. Oh my gosh. And even myself. Let's not leave me out. I got this, really. I got this giant mirror for my living room and it just kind of makes the space look a little bit bigger. And the, the frame that I had on the mirror before, the frame was so thick and the mirror was small. But this one, I found one where the frame of the mirror is actually a lot smaller and it makes my living room look so big. I got it from Wayfair for a steal and I just love how it makes my downstairs look. And it came fast too.

A (13:42)

That's also such a good idea because like if you have Christmas decorations, but then you put an amazing big mirror, it reflects it and it's almost like you have double the decorations and they.

B (13:52)

Have storage for all of your, all of your new stuff. Like you can get storage. I always get in trouble. Like I had to put in a shed because I didn't have enough storage. And so you can get the stuff that you need for the holidays and then get the totes to store it in there too.

A (14:06)

And pretty affordable. So it's got everything you possibly want. Yeah, exactly. Totally makes sense. Huge selection of home items, every style. Makes it easy to find exactly what's right for you. There's truly something for every style in every home, no matter your space or your budget. So as the holidays get get closer, get organized, refreshed, and ready for the holidays. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y-F-A-I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

C (14:44)

So he told me he was cancer free and we celebrated. Honestly, I don't know, it seemed it was probably like a tonsillectomy maybe because he had pain meds. Like he was on pain meds when he got out of surgery, but he didn't have any scars. There wasn't any like tubes or anything. He wasn't in the hospital, so like.

B (15:05)

He was not ever cut into.

C (15:06)

I. I honestly don't know. He did have pain meds, which was why I think something did happen, but there was no sign.

A (15:12)

Maybe he just got his like, tonsils out or something and he.

C (15:16)

That's what I think.

B (15:16)

So maybe they went into his throat through the mouth and did surgery or something.

A (15:21)

I know nothing about doctors weigh in, but either way, you're probably a little worried about him and just taking his word for it.

C (15:29)

Yeah, makes sense. Mostly like worried because I'm again, I'm like, I don't know anything. I'm not a doctor. So I was like, oh, poor guy. And one night he's on the pain meds. I come over, check on him. He's in this little dorm and he's like, oh, hey, I just want to let you know I have feelings for you. And I was like, that's so sweet, but this is not the time that we have this conversation when you're, you know, you're on meds, you're. You're just getting done with your tonsillectomy. But I was like, it's really, that's really sweet. But like a month after that, we started dating. So this is June 2019, and I'm really excited. Things are going well, there's nothing weird. And he asked me if I want to go down to Louisiana to two different concerts that he had bought tickets for with his ex girlfriend Gina. They weren't going to use them, so he Said, well, you might just. You want to come along. I know it's early. Come meet my parents. I said, you know, okay.

A (16:26)

Like, why not?

C (16:27)

Free trip. So let's go. He does warn me. We're on the way down. He goes, I want to let you know my parents are kind of crazy. I was like, okay, let's elaborate on that a little more. And he's like, my dad when I was younger tried to run me over with a car.

B (16:43)

Oh, what? Oh, okay.

C (16:46)

And I was like, okay. He goes, well, things are different now. Like, he used to kind of really, like, struggle with stress. And I was like, okay. Like, am I safe to go down? Like, this is gonna try and run me over, right? So he's like, no, he's not this way around guests. He will be totally normal when you're around. You're gonna be totally safe and fine. So I was like, okay, we'll put a pin in that.

A (17:11)

Yeah.

C (17:11)

But I'll go, you know, we're already on our way down. So it's like, all right.

B (17:15)

It's also still a conversation, fella. But.

A (17:17)

Right.

B (17:18)

We'll table it for now.

C (17:19)

Right. And then I get there, and they're just super nice. They're super nice to me. They're a little weird, but they're nice. No red flags. They're just really excited that I'm there. They took me out to dinner, and then we go to the concerts. We go to two of them. One's regular concert, and then the second one, it's a tribute band. So essentially, he knew one of the guys was in this tribute band. Oh. And he. Yes. We got to go backstage. We got to meet the guy. We met all the band members. Oh, that's super cool. That's a cool date.

B (17:53)

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

A (17:53)

Very cool day. And it makes him look kind of cool.

C (17:56)

Yeah, it did. And I was like, wow, this guy's connected, too. We're up on stage, we're backstage. You know, I'm seeing places I'd never usually see. And so we come back from the concert, we had a great time, and he keeps getting all these texts from his ex girlfriend. And I'm like, that's weird. Yeah. I was like, is she just texting him? Like, is there something going on? And then he's like, I'm so sorry, I have to leave. And he keeps leaving to have these long conversations with her.

B (18:23)

Like, to talk to her or over text.

C (18:26)

Yes, to go talk to her on the phone.

A (18:29)

And is he telling you this?

C (18:30)

He's telling Me that he has to go talk to her.

A (18:33)

Oh, so he's at least being open?

C (18:35)

I guess so. He's being open. And again, you know, I'm like, okay, he's being open about it, but he's in his parents garage talking to her. And I was like, hey, what's happening? He's like, well, she thinks we're still together.

A (18:47)

Oh.

C (18:47)

And I was like, what? What do you mean? And he's like, well, she thought we were trying out polyamory. When I said, let's go see other people, and I'm like, didn't we. Didn't you break up in April, though? And it's June. What?

B (19:01)

Wait, had you spent enough time with him before that you noticed he was talking to her before? Or is this the first time that you were with him for a period?

A (19:07)

Yeah. Like, have they been talking this whole time?

C (19:10)

I honestly, I didn't realize he was talking to her because, like, when we were together, he wasn't texting her. So I don't know if she was maybe, like, I honestly don't know. Like, but that was the first time that I was like, why are we calling her?

A (19:26)

Yeah, yeah.

C (19:27)

Even if we. Even if you are, you know, she was confused. That's a one phone call thing. And we move on.

B (19:33)

Yeah.

C (19:33)

So I. I was like, hey, okay, like, let's pause here. What is going on? And he's like, she is. And she did have a reputation of being kind of crazy, this girl. And so he's like, she just. I don't know if she just didn't get the message, if she is having a little, like, episode of some type, but she really thought that we were together that whole time. And in my mind, I know this girl, and through mutual friends, I'm talking to my friends and they're like, yeah, this girl is a little crazy. Like, that's not out of the realm of possibility here. So I said, okay, I'm gonna take your word for this, but if I see another text message from her, it's. This is over. Like, we're done.

A (20:16)

Yeah, that's messy.

C (20:16)

He's like, yeah. And it's hard when I'm sitting getting all these nice things and, like, all these nice moments. And I'm like, okay. Like, this guy's a good guy. So there really has to be something, some other explanation. Like, it can't just be he's with his girlfriend and I'm not seeing any other texts except for when we're together down in Louisiana. So we fast forward a couple days I'm like, okay, another just kind of moment where I pause and I think. And he asked me one night. He's like, hey, can I tell you something? I said, yes, of course you can tell me something. He goes, I want to let you know I have multiple personality disorders.

B (20:53)

Oh, what?

C (20:54)

And I'm trying to come from a place of empathy in this period in my life. And I was like, okay, just let's talk. Tell me, like, what's going on?

A (21:03)

Does that mean I don't want to judge him?

B (21:05)

Because I imagine you don't know a lot about multiple personality disorder. Because I feel like. So you're prepared to be educated on it.

C (21:12)

I'm like, okay, let's see. Like, is this going to be a problem or is this something where, you know, if you're medicated, we're good. So I'm like, okay, let me hear you out. So he asks me if I want to meet Doug. One of his personalities, and all of his mannerisms change and like a snap of the fingers. He has a southern accent, which he usually has. Like a normal. I would. Not normal, like a, you know, just a non accent. I'd say, yeah. And this really, like, long southern drawl.

A (21:43)

Comes out and like an old C. Williams play. He's like, yeah, totally different.

B (21:49)

What?

C (21:50)

It's real weird. And he's like, peter doesn't like this personality. And he's like, Doug, he's talking about himself is like a sexually deviant personality. And I'm really thrown off. Like, I'm really trying not to be judgmental.

B (22:06)

Is that a thing? Like, can a multiple personality person say, hey, let me introduce, and just like, switch knowingly?

C (22:14)

No, now I know that's not true. I've done a lot of research on this, I imagine, and there's different ways that these personalities can come out. But it's not like you snap your fingers and all of a sudden. Yeah, And I was trying to be really neutral in my facial expressions because I was like, I don't want to come across as like a judgmental person. But also really mean. I feel like.

B (22:36)

But you can also just be like, oh, yeah, this is fine. Oh, okay, cool. Hey, Doug. Sup, buddy? Like, how do you.

A (22:42)

Yeah, how do you navigate that? And also, were you scared?

B (22:45)

Does Doug know you?

C (22:46)

Doug knew who I was. Yes. I was a little bit scared. But it lasted such a short period of time because he, like, asked me. He's like, what did you think? So afterwards. So it was such a short period of time. So I tell him, look, this is a lot for me. But if you are on medication, if you are in therapy, which he said he was, and this is not going to be an issue for either one.

B (23:11)

Of us, and I'm not in danger.

C (23:13)

Exactly, you know, if it's not going to be any type of problem. And he told me, it's really not. I'm in therapy. This is just something I wanted to show you. And again, I don't know about anything about multiple personality disorder. So I'm like, okay. So he's like, I have a pretty good handle on this disease, and, you know, you probably never see it again. And I really didn't see it ever again. So it was one of those moments where you, you know, you kind of forget later down the road where you're like, oh, yeah, that happened. But I did kind of forget about it because there's so many other things. But when we got back after this trip, he says he's this big music producer and he's working for Sony.

B (23:56)

Was he a music producer before he.

C (23:58)

He was. And I. Again, we're, like, getting to know each other, but I'm learning more things about him as we're spending time.

B (24:03)

Okay, got you.

C (24:04)

So he is. He's working and editing on songs when we. Even when we were down in Louisiana, he was editing stuff. But he told me when he got back, he's like, you know, I do work for Sony, and he's working on, you know, the band Beck.

B (24:16)

Okay. Yeah, Yeah.

C (24:17)

B, E, C. There's this song called Colors by Beck, if you've heard of it.

B (24:22)

Yep.

C (24:22)

And it is a popular song. And he tells me he wrote it. Oh, and you think. How could you possibly think that that's true? Well, he had the file on his computer somehow, and he was editing all the lines, all the instruments, and spending 12 hours a day on this.

A (24:40)

But isn't. Is the song already out? No, song's not out.

C (24:44)

It's not out at this point. Oh, okay. I'd never heard it. And so he's editing in his room. He's just like, I am on this deadline. You know, I'm. I'm a music producer. Right. And he's like, so, you know, just bear with me. And I'm like, okay. Wow. I'm seeing him edit this song. I am seeing all these different lines, all these different instruments. So in my mind, I'm thinking, I have the evidence right in front of me that this is true. He has all these songs that I know really well that he's editing on his computer or he has the tracks to. And I don't know anything about music, so I'm like, wow, this is so cool. He did have the song on his computer before it was out. Really? Still not sure how that happened. So he edits the song, and I hear it on the radio, and I'm like, oh, my God, he made this song. So I'm telling my family and friends, hey, Peter wrote this. Can you believe it? I mean, Peter wrote this song.

A (25:37)

Why wouldn't you believe someone saying that?

C (25:39)

And my friends were like, oh, that's interesting. Like, that's really cool. And one of my friends had heard him also edit the song. So her and I were both like, yeah, this is. You know, this is legit. Like, we're looking at him editing all this stuff. And he also tells me, too, right around this time that he did get into Juilliard, but his parents wouldn't let him go. And I'm like, why are. Why are you here? Then I was like, can you get a scholarship? He says, well, it was really expensive. Which Juilliard is expensive. So he's like, you know, I just couldn't afford it. My parents wouldn't let me. And he did have all these really, really crazy contacts from this music camp that he had been going to since he was, like, 10 years old. He went every year. It was like this rock music camp for all these different instruments, you know, violin, drums, singing. So kids from all over the country are coming here, and they're legit contacts. He's taking me to these people's houses, introducing me to people who have, like, Grammys on their wall, probably. You know, I went to a house that had more Grammys than I ever thought I'd ever see in my entire life. This person has, like, a wall of Grammys. So it all seemed legit. He knew these people. They were talking to him. They knew his name. They're like, hey, Peter, how are you? Tell me about your family. And naming his parents by name. So I'm really dazzled by this because I'm like, wow. Like, you know, even if there's doubt in my mind that maybe he's not, you know, who he says, everybody's vouching. Yeah. And there are people. Some of them are people who wrote some of the theme songs for some of the shows I grew up on.

B (27:14)

Wow.

C (27:14)

So.

A (27:15)

Oh, interesting.

C (27:15)

You know, I'm like, yeah, really taken by it. And I'm also an actress at the time. Right. So he's telling me that he can get me into the right rooms with the right people. He's watching me on stage, and I'm really excited about that. And he's, like, always doing nicer things. So he's like, hey, like, let's get you in the right room. Hey, let's get you on a trip. Let's just, like, spoil you. You're doing, you know, a really good job in college, and the relationship and the chemistry are super strong. And at that point, I was like, maybe I've found my future husband. Yeah, there's been a couple, like, little blips, but this guy is, like, treating me like a goddess. I've never had that before.

B (27:52)

Nice.

A (27:52)

And you're coming off a relationship where you had been cheated on as well, so it's even more exciting to be pampered and treated like you deserve.

C (28:02)

Yeah. And my parents at the time were a little hesitant because my dad is really skeptical of pretty much anyone who comes into my life. But he was like, you know what?

A (28:12)

Yeah, he sounds like a good dad.

C (28:16)

Right? Yeah. So a few months into dating, I think it was like two or three months, I am at the mall with my friend Laura, and we go into a dressing room together, like a lot of girl friends do, and she helps me zip my dress up. So I go home, and I'm like, oh, yeah, you know, Laura and I, we went shopping. We were taking pictures in the dressing room together, as we usually do and always have. And he gets really upset about it.

B (28:39)

Why?

C (28:39)

And he goes, did she touch you? Oh, what? He's like, yeah. He's like, did she touch you? And I was like, well, she helped me zip up my dress because, like. Like, you know, some of those nice dresses, you can't. You're trying to put your arms behind your back and. Yeah.

A (28:51)

You don't have to explain to us.

B (28:54)

Yeah.

C (28:56)

So I was like, yeah, of course she helped me zip up my dress. And he's like, that's sexual assault.

B (29:03)

Ew. Ew.

C (29:04)

I'm like, wait. I'm like, what? What are you talking about? He goes, that's sexual assault. Like, when somebody touches you without your permission. I was like, but I told her she could touch me.

A (29:16)

You probably asked her. It's funny, because if she wasn't there, you would have asked a stranger working at the store to do it.

C (29:21)

Like, that's what we did. Right. And I was just so thrown because I was like, that's not. That's not what that means. And so he's like, okay, well, hear me out. There's this pattern of behavior that I'm really seeing. And this is really alarming to me. And I'm. I'm like, okay with her. He goes, yep. And he goes, she didn't tell you? But she also, right before you and I started dating, had sex with me when I was drunk.

A (29:48)

Oh, no. Did she take advantage of him?

C (29:51)

And I was like, well, she never.

B (29:52)

Did she sexually assault him?

C (29:53)

That's what. That's what he said. Now, I've. I. I'll get there to the story. But he said that she took advantage of him.

B (30:02)

Okay.

A (30:03)

Oh, no.

C (30:04)

And I was like, well, I. Okay, so that dampens my trust in her just a little bit. And he goes, and I also really want to tell you that you had an ex boyfriend that ended things. Ended really poorly. She slept with him as well, a year ago. Ex boyfriend? Yep. Another ex boyfriend of mine. And he said she slept with him, but she told me not to tell you.

A (30:30)

How do you feel hearing that about your best friend?

C (30:33)

I am so upset because this specific ex of mine. Things ended so poorly because we were both just in not really healthy mindsets. And it was one of those people where she, at the time was like, I will never speak to this person again. So to hear that she did that was absolutely a complete blow to the trust and love and respect I had to that relationship. And. And I texted her about it. And she confirmed it. No, she told me that it was true.

A (31:03)

Which part?

B (31:03)

And, yeah, that she sexually assaulted him.

A (31:05)

And the ex.

C (31:06)

Yeah, the ex. Not. Not the. Not the essay, but the ex boyfriend. And I am so upset by that. And so I paused, and I asked her. I was like, hey, did you and Peter also have sex before we started dating? And she's like, yes, we did. We were both drunk.

B (31:23)

Wait, I hate that we were both drunk. Okay, So I hate that he wasn't. So he said, she sexually assaulted me while I was drunk. And she's saying we were drunk and had sex.

C (31:32)

She. She's like, I was actually at your apartment, so I was asleep.

B (31:35)

Okay.

C (31:36)

Yeah. So she's like, you were asleep? We were. You know, we were having sex in your apartment, and we were all drunk. And that night, we were like. All had been drinking together, and essentially she was, like, really apologetic. But that moment for me was. I don't agree that she essayed me, but her behavior in that, you know, hearing all of those things made me feel really sad. And so we stopped talking. So his. His goal to isolate me worked.

A (32:07)

I'm very excited that our podcast is sponsored by Suvi, the Kitchen Robot, because this is the device that has blown my mind more than anything else I've ever used in my kitchen. I stand by that. Suvi is a smart countertop oven and it also has a flexible meal delivery service which is like bonus. But it saves me so much time and I've been eating so much healthier and better. Like the food is just better that I'm making because I can be kind of lazy and still make it. The way it works is that you can use it for anything, like an oven, an air fryer. It's got so many settings and my favorite part is the built in refrigeration. So I can put my ingredients in there whenever I'm available. And then I can say I want these veggies ready at 7pm and it keeps them refrigerated the whole day and then it starts cooking exactly when it needs to. And if I have like chicken on the top, veggies on the bottom, it'll cook them at a different time. It can cook them at different temperatures. And it's like this little thing that just, it's magic. I'm actually blown away by it and very excited that I can share it with you because I know a lot of you are busy baddies, a lot of you are moms. So hopefully this helps. There's also tap to cook technology. So if you get their meal delivery service, it comes with a little card. You just tap it to the Suvi and Suvi's like, I got it. I know what you're making. I've got all the settings set. Just stick it in here and go about your day. And it's like, oh my God.

C (33:37)

Thanks.

A (33:38)

I honestly feel like my sous vide's my friend. It fits on your counter. It has 15 cook modes including air fry, slow cook. You can truly use it to cook any recipe. I have made like shrimp. It was like a shrimp rice veggie. I don't know. It was so good and the sauce was so good that it came with. I made chocolate lava cakes that I got in the their service. Those were delightful. Obviously it's the simple solution that takes all the stress out of planning your dinner. And suvi offers a 100 day risk free trial. So you really have no reason not to give it a try. Go to suvi.comdingdetectives to get 16 free meals when you order. That's s u v I e.comdatingdetectives to get sixteen free meals with your risk free trial. Save time, eat better with Suvi.

B (34:34)

This show is sponsored by Better help. Hannah, did you know that October 10th was World Mental Health Day? And I know. I didn't know that was a thing. And so this year, we're gonna say thank you, therapist, but like, a continued thank you. Not just on.

A (34:50)

No, I mean, every day is World Mental Health Day, and every day is thank you to my therapist day, because she does the Lord's work with me, and I love her for it.

B (34:59)

Girl, same. I love Better Help, because Better Help therapists have helped over 5 million people worldwide on their mental health journeys. That's. Think of it. Millions of stories, millions of journeys. And behind everyone is a therapist who showed up, listened, and helped someone take a step forward. I personally love BetterHelp because it just gives me a place where I can share anything on my heart, anything on my mind with an unbiased opinion. Like, when I talk to my mom, she's gotta be like, you're absolutely right. Like, she needs to be on my side. My best friend gotta be on my side. BetterHelp. They can just listen and they give you the tools and resources to just kind of.

A (35:35)

Just kind of navigate life.

B (35:37)

Yes, to navigate life. And so shining the spotlight on therapists, let's just remember that these are people who truly make the world a better place. So if you feel comfortable, share a moment in therapy that made an impact on you and join us in showing appreciation for therapists who help people every day.

A (35:54)

I would actually, like, genuinely love to hear that. If anybody wants to comment, like, the best piece of advice their therapist has given them, or especially if it's related to something with dating detectives, like your relationships or getting over a dogfish, like, how have your therapists really made an impact for you? And if you want to comment it, I would love to. To see it.

C (36:14)

It's like, help.

A (36:16)

Use it to help all of us.

B (36:17)

Yes. And just remember, you don't have to go through some kind of crazy trauma to seek therapy. Like, the right therapist can change everything. Even if it's just something small. You just want to talk something about, you absolutely deserve it. BetterHelp has 12 plus years of experience in matching people to the right therapist. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. They're fully licensed in the US and they do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals, and they give you, like, a short questionnaire. You can identify your needs and preferences, and you can change your therapist at any time.

A (36:49)

I'm gonna add, I know a lot of people who didn't go to therapy. Because their work schedule didn't, wasn't flexible enough or they were afraid of it being too expensive. And I love that. BetterHelp makes it easy to make it work within your schedule and your budget.

B (37:03)

Yes. So convenient. So this World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com TDD that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com TDD.

C (37:30)

So essentially, she's really embarrassed. We kind of have a friend breakup.

B (37:35)

Yeah.

C (37:36)

Because I feel like my trust in her is betrayed. And she was my go to person. Like, she was my check in. Is this crazy? And up until this point in Peter and I's relationship, she's the person. I'm like, hey, this happened. What do I, you know, what do you think? Yeah, yeah, gone. That's gone for me. And so I have a couple other friends, but slowly but surely I get completely isolated to where Peter's my only person I have to turn to. And I do have my parents, but he still had a complex about my parents as well. Everyone. There was always something about everyone I was around. Right. It was either, you know, your dad doesn't really understand you, your mom doesn't understand you, or they don't want what feels this way, or, you know, they're jealous of you. No matter. Right. And so then Peter is isolating me, but he starts acting real weird. So I'm in classes and I have this scene partner, as you do in theater, named Jack, who's a boy. And Peter is just losing his mind.

B (38:44)

Of course he is.

C (38:45)

Because Jack is, you know, a normal guy. And we're doing a scene that's essentially we're married in the scene. So it's not intimate, like physically, but it's emotionally intimate. So we do have to stay in class and go through these scenes, right? Freaking out and, oh, he's gotta get a grill. I'm not answering my phone during class or during these, like, rehearsals. And he. All of a sudden things start happening to him. So one day he got mugged. One day he got into a. Yep. Give me. He got a car accident and his car was gone. He'd rushed to the hospital because he, like, couldn't breathe. And so I would go there every time he would. He'd have an episode and they were like, you're fine. Like, let's send you home. And then he started waking up in the middle of the night, yelling. Just like yelling. And he was pretending like he was sleeping. And he was having these panic attacks, which could be panic attacks. It was really hard to tell, but he was just having these essentially breakdowns. 3:00am Just crying, screaming. And I would always check on him because I was really worried. But, you know, like, how do you check in with someone to be like, hey, are you really having a panic attack? Or do you want attention right now? Yeah.

B (40:03)

And how do you not take that seriously? Because you feel like a jerk if you.

C (40:06)

You're like, you don't even think this.

B (40:07)

Your gut is like, boy, you are. This is what. You're a toddler.

C (40:12)

Right? So I'm. I'm like, okay. So I tried to have these conversations with him, and he was able to talk himself out of a lot, and he could talk himself out of things. When I'd be like, like, where is your car? He goes, well, it's in the shop. Okay, well, that makes sense. But still don't feel like you got in a car accident. But I can't prove it because your car's not here and I can't look at your car. Right. And he got mugged and his toe got broken, but he wrapped his toe.

B (40:39)

So you couldn't prove it. He could have a not broken toe in a wrap. So you're like, for attention.

A (40:45)

This is a lot.

C (40:47)

This is a lot.

B (40:48)

And then by the time you see his car again, it's going to be fixed because it's in the shop.

C (40:52)

Exactly. So I'm like, this to me, and my gut doesn't feel right, but I can't prove any of the things aren't true. So I'm much more cautious at this point. And as soon as I get worked up, he would pull these amazing opportunities out of the hat. So for my birthday, he takes me to Hamilton, and he knew the music director at this one. So I got to watch in a VIP section. I got to go up on stage. I met the entire cast.

B (41:22)

Wow.

C (41:23)

And, you know, I'm talking to these. Yeah. Talking to these actress and actors, and I'm making connections, a couple of them. You know, we switch contact information. So for that. For me and my career. Yeah, right. And I'm like, wow. Like, you know, I almost. You almost forget about all the other stuff because in those moments, you're kind of on top of the world. And he's feeding my ego, you know, breakfast in bed, Starbucks delivered. When I wake up, there's Starbucks for me. And, you know, so you just feel, like, taken care of. So it's hard to see the small moments when there's just so much of the other crazy, cool stuff going on. And so we get back from this trip, and again, things start getting weird. Peter continues to get even weirder about Jack. So Jack does clearly have a crush on me at this time. But I'd made it clear, kind of like, you know, I'm in a relationship. I'm not polyamorous. This is not really a thing.

B (42:19)

Right.

C (42:20)

And Jack knew that. So we go out to the mall with a bunch of our friends, and Peter has my location because, you know, it's something that I would. I'd share my parents have. And he shows up to the mall, and he's just there like.

B (42:38)

Like you were just going with your friends and he was not invited, and then he just showed up?

C (42:43)

Yep. He showed up at one of the stores we were at. He's just there and he's like, hey, what's up? And so I pull him aside and I'm like, okay, what are we doing here? Because you knew I was going to the mall. You knew that I would be here, and you were not invited, so why are you here? And he's like, ah. Like, you know, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just thought it'd be a nice surprise to see your boyfriend, who you love so much, at the mall and surprise you. So I talked to my friends, and they were like, you know, we've actually seen him lurking other places too. What? Yep. Been following us sometime. These girlfriends? No, not for me. The girlfriends. And then Jack and then one of his friends as well.

A (43:25)

Okay, when you're saying, like, he showed up and the guys are also telling you that he's been around.

C (43:34)

Yes, the guys and the girls. So it's not just like he's following the other girls. It's like he's following all of them. And that, for me, is my breaking point, where I'm like, okay, this is done. Like, we're done here. It was super validating for me because I'm having all these tiny things that I've told you that haven't added up to me, but he's been able to explain it away and kind of made me feel silly for asking. So what? I'm getting validated by these people and they're like, no, no, no, this is weird. This behavior is not normal. And he's following us now? I'm like, okay.

B (44:06)

After you said, no, no, no, no, no, this is not going to work out, fellow.

A (44:09)

Okay. Oh, I'm scared to hear how a breakup conversation, I don't like it.

B (44:14)

I don't.

C (44:16)

So we have the breakup conversation. He's freaking out, breaking down, like, panicking. And I'm like, okay, we can, if you need to talk about this more, we can have a small conversation. I can come back, but I need you to, like, calm down, you know, take a beat. Let's talk like adults and work on this. So I don't hear from him for two days, and I'm shocked because I thought he'd be blowing my phone up. And my parents get a knock on their door.

B (44:44)

Oh, God, shut up.

C (44:46)

And it's Peter. But my parents aren't home. So my high school aged brother answers the door. Oh, no, that's so scary.

B (44:56)

And what happened?

C (44:57)

And they knew each other. And my brother's like, hi, what are you doing here? And he's like, well, I was just hoping that you and I could talk and maybe you could try to convince your sister to come talk with me. Ew. Ew, ew. Weird in the house. Yeah, he's in the house with my brother. And my brother calls my parents and was like, hey, this happened. I was home alone. It was really scary and weird. Like, he just showed up to your house? Like, he's been there twice. So he did technically know where they live, but, like, it's not someone I would imagine he could memorize where they lived. And my parents call me and they're like, do we need to get a restraining order? And I was like, maybe. But let's pause. Let me talk to him first.

B (45:41)

Don't go crazy.

C (45:43)

You know, I figured, yeah, maybe he's.

A (45:44)

Just a hopeless romantic who wanted to.

C (45:47)

Yeah.

A (45:48)

Play a boombox under your bedroom door and get you back, like, rationalizing.

C (45:54)

I was like, right? And I was like, this might just be like a guy who's just really anxious and attached and thought that that was a romantic gesture. And so essentially I talked to him and he's like, no, you're right. That was crossing the line. I'm never going to do that again. And for a few weeks, things are quiet again and I'm moving on with my life and focusing on college. Then a couple weeks later, my mom calls me and she says, hey, Peter has been driving by our house. What? Ew. So let's give him one more chance. And if you can't have a conversation with him, like we're saying, nope, that's it Restraining order. So I was like, okay. So I go and I said, let's meet in a public spot and talk. So we talk. And I was like, this is. This is not okay. Like, you cannot talk to me. You cannot talk to my mom. And I was like, my parents will know if you drive by their house. They have a camera, so stop. You know, you don't think they're home. They know. So. Also, go to class. Like, where do you. Where does he do it? And I don't know how he had the time to do it because he's in class and he has a job.

B (46:59)

Yeah.

C (47:00)

So my mom is like, okay, are we good? And I said, yes. He apologized. And he's like. Like, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel, like, panicked. And I was like, I get it. Like, after a breakup, you do feel panicked. But that. That's not what we do. Like, we. We go to therapy, we talk about it, you know, and then I don't hear from him for like a month. And we're living really close together, so my dad was like, you need to move. Oh, man. So the friend group I had, so Jack, his friend, and then my friend Anna were all living in this place together. I move in there. Cause they have an extra spot. Their roommate moved. And I was like, great. Works out. They're all theater people. We can study together. And while I'm there, my friend Anna wants to meet a guy, and she ends up meeting my high school ex boyfriend. Oh, okay. Who we dated for eight years. And what do you mean? Like.

B (47:52)

Wait, what? What do you mean? Like, online. She wanted to meet a guy. Like, online, they met.

C (47:56)

She was going through my followers, essentially, and she had been messaging guys.

B (48:01)

What?

C (48:01)

Guys that she didn't know. It was really weird.

B (48:04)

She went on your social media and started messaging dudes that were following you to try and date them. What?

C (48:13)

Yep.

A (48:14)

And she didn't.

C (48:15)

And she.

A (48:17)

She just.

C (48:17)

She found out. Okay. Yeah, she found out that we were, you know, dating, but she didn't really stop her. So they go on. Or they go on one date, apparently. It's magical. They hit it off, and he moves into our apartment.

A (48:28)

No, no.

B (48:30)

And you were briefly engaged to this fella?

C (48:33)

I was briefly. We had known each other since we were in fifth grade, too. So, like, we knew each other really well, and we're fine. Like it.

B (48:41)

What?

A (48:42)

Yeah, you were young.

C (48:44)

It's. And, you know, it ended pretty amicably because we were in junior high when we started dating, and it was Never, like, super romantic. But, you know, when we got to college, we're like, oh, this isn't so. It was fine. And, you know, it wasn't, like, super, super weird seeing him because we were friends. Just a little bit weird. Yeah. I didn't want to live with him, so I was dealing with that. And it just was really awkward, and I was, like, pushing through it. I'm casually seeing Jack. Look, super casually.

A (49:17)

I was gonna say jack thrilled that you're there.

C (49:20)

Yeah, Jack is thrilled that I'm there. It's very casual. We have a good time. We were, like, both agreed. We're like, this is, you know, nothing serious. And Peter texts me finally after a month, and he's like, hey, I heard that you and Jack are stating. I understand that this is over. I just wish you the best. And I'm really sorry I overreacted. I'm like, great, okay. And then he follows that up with, I'm moving to London, and I got a record deal there. And I told him, I was like, I wish you the best. That's great. And he's like, I'm gonna go stay with this girl Lily. And I'm like, nobody asked. And a few nights later, I think it's almost a week later, essentially, as the timeline's a little, like, rough. But he tells me that he's moved on from me. He's like. He's like, again, he's just sorry that things happened the way they did. And that to tell him someone that.

A (50:15)

You'Ve moved on from them is to make sure you text them and tell them. Yeah, that always means you've definitely moved.

C (50:22)

Right? And my friends and I are, again, it's college. We're drinking a lot on the weekends. We're drunk on. This is a. Either a Friday or Saturday. We're laughing because we're thinking the same thing. We're like, oh, dear Lord, here he goes. And he's like, I'm in love with Lily. I. You know, I'm so happy to be with her. And I think I got her pregnant.

B (50:44)

What?

C (50:45)

So essentially, we're thrown by this, and we're like, oh, good Lord. But it's kind of low key, a little entertaining, because we're like, holy smokes. He's pulling out all the stops. So I respond, and I said, oh, congrats. Something, like, completely, you know? And he goes radio silent. Just kidding. Yeah. And I was like, nothing back, essentially. And for a few weeks, I'm like, okay, great. Like, maybe he really has found someone, because I don't hear from him. And I do get a call from him. I think it was like, two or three weeks later. And I'm like, oh, God. And again, we're like, it's late at night. And I was like, do I answer it? My friends are like, oh, my God, please answer. Please answer.

A (51:28)

Do it for the plot. Sure.

C (51:30)

Yeah, exactly. They're like, you gotta answer. So we put him on speaker, and he's like, okay, I just gotta tell you something. My feelings for you are stronger than the feelings for Lily. And I was like, okay. And he's like, just hear me out. He's like, I left a note on your car. Ew.

A (51:49)

What does he think he's doing?

C (51:52)

And we're like, okay. Like, is it possible? Because I'm thinking, when's the last time I drove my car? I'm thinking, is there any way this is real? And I'm like, okay, maybe I haven't driven my car in a week because we're at the university where you're walking. You don't have to go. I'm like, okay. Anywhere. Yeah. So I'm like, this is. This is maybe real. But I'm like, okay, so why not? What's the worst going to happen? I'm going to go out to my car. There's no note. And I walk outside, and it's snowing. It's like a crazy blizzard. And he's outside with flowers. No.

B (52:24)

Ew.

A (52:25)

I hope your friends came down.

C (52:27)

And I'm like, they were peering outside.

A (52:29)

Sure. Okay.

C (52:30)

Through the blinds. Yeah. They're like, what is going on? And I'm. I'm like, small. Part of me is like, oh, that's kind of romantic. But the rest of me was like, no, this is.

A (52:40)

You still stalked my parents home. Like, this is weird.

C (52:43)

I'm, like, kind of confused, and my head's spinning a little because it's like, okay. Yeah. Like, part of me did kind of think that you went to London because I didn't hear from you. And I'm like, aren't you in London? He goes, I just drove right from the airport. I, like, literally came. Right.

A (52:58)

I thought you were gonna say I just.

C (52:59)

Right. I know. I was about. I thought that I drove all the.

A (53:02)

Way across that ocean, baby, for you. Sorry.

C (53:05)

Okay. Hi. And. Oh. So I was just. I can't think about this. I'm still dating Jack. Thank you for the flowers, but see you later. And he's like, okay. Heard, understood. And again, don't hear from him for a little bit. And then my friends Are going out all together for this party. It's one of our friends birthdays. And they're like, he will be here, but we will be with you if you want to come out. I'm talking to my roommates. I'm like, I want to go out.

B (53:33)

Wait, why will he be there? Who else? He's friends with them, too.

C (53:37)

He's friends, and he's part of this group that we're in through other people. So there's a couple people I don't know very well in this group who are friends with him and my roommates. And I decide, okay, well, I'm gonna be with some girls who won't let me be alone with him, you know, will support me. And we're in a place where I feel pretty safe with the people I'm with and the place we're going, and I know other people in the community, so we're like, okay, like what? We'll go ahead and do it. So I go out and my friends are like, stay with us. We're not going anywhere. But of course, everyone gets drunk, and then they start wanting to wander and go get pizza and go, you know, meet guys.

B (54:19)

And now you're alone, Jack, and duh.

C (54:22)

And we all go back to this essentially frat house that all these people are connected through. And he was like, hey, do you want to go hang out? And I'm like, no, I don't. And my ride ended up going upstairs, and she's like, I'm gonna go, like, get my makeup on, and we're gonna go back out. She falls asleep.

A (54:39)

Oh.

C (54:39)

So I'm like, pounding at her door. Oh, God.

A (54:44)

Yeah.

C (54:45)

And it's. It's, you know, it's cold outside at this point, so it's not like I can just go sit outside. And where I am living at this point is, like 20 minutes away. So I'm like, I can't walk in the snow in the cold. And so I'm sitting in the sprat house. And he's like, oh, I'll keep you company. I was like, no, I'm good. Like, let me try to see if somebody can pick me up. Jack's also been drinking. Anna's been drinking. Everyone's been drinking. Because it's, you know, it's college, so.

B (55:07)

And Peter's like, don't worry, you're safe.

C (55:10)

You're like, uh huh huh? Yep.

B (55:12)

Like, no, fool. I'm trying to be safe from you.

C (55:16)

And then we're sitting there, and I'm just, like, awkwardly sitting on the couch. You know, like, tense posture where you're like, oh, God. And he leans in when I'm, like, talking, and he kisses me. And I was like, dude. I was like, dude, like, listen, I understand this is a weird situation, and we're sitting together and we used to date, but, like, I'm dating Jack, and he was upset because I didn't want to kiss him. And I was like, I'm. This is. You know, I'm not. I'm not polyamorous. I'm not. I'm not, like, gonna date multiple guys. I'm with Jack right now. That's why. Who I'm choosing to be with.

A (55:50)

You're also like, no. It's a complete sentence. Like, you've rejected this.

B (55:54)

No is a complete sentence.

C (55:58)

And I, you know, I just felt weird about it. And so I ended up. I couldn't really go home. No one was answering. So I slept on the floor downstairs of this frat house. So they had this couch, and I just slept there because I was like, I'm not gonna go outside.

A (56:11)

Did he leave?

C (56:12)

Where else do I go? He left eventually because I started crying, and he was just, like, really perturbed and kind of, like, freaked out.

A (56:20)

He's like, women, emotions.

C (56:22)

He's like, yeah, but so he left me alone. And so time passes again, and Covid hits. So this is 2020, and Jack and one of our other roommates have to move out. And they go home because school's online. They don't really want to be there. They don't want to pay rent. And so Anna and I and the other boyfriend that I used to have, we're all just the three of us together. And I'm like, guys, we need another roommate. Yeah, we need to weird. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I can't do this. Like, I'm not gonna live in, like, a three person situation where I'm like.

A (56:56)

Just constant third wheel hanging out with.

C (56:59)

Yeah.

B (57:00)

So weird.

C (57:00)

So I'm like, we desperately need a new roommate. So we ended up asking this guy Finn to move in, and the two of us became super close because we were just. He seemed like a normal guy. We're just hanging out, you know, like, we would make dinner together, do very roommate y things, and I don't have to deal with the weird situation.

B (57:17)

Yeah.

C (57:18)

Because our rooms were right next to each other, Anna in mind. So I'm like, if I don't have to be in my room, I don't.

B (57:24)

Want to hear it.

C (57:25)

So one night we're together. Finn and I are hanging out in my room, Anna and the boy are gone. It's just Finn and I. And Finn ends up raping me.

B (57:40)

No shit.

A (57:42)

I'm so sorry.

B (57:43)

I am so sorry that happened. Oh, my God.

C (57:45)

Thank you. And I came so out of left field, and there was, like. There was nothing flirtatious going on. We were buddies, but there was nothing. Like, as women, you have that gut feeling where you're like, ooh, I don't want to be around this person. And there was no weird gut feeling. It was, like, so scary. And it was like, I don't want to get too much into it, but it was violent, and it was just, like, really freaked out.

A (58:09)

Oh, God.

C (58:10)

Obviously. And you know to be like, in your happen in your own room when you're, like, in full PJs and just. You're just like, this is my, like, safe space.

B (58:19)

This is your most vulnerable place, your most vulnerable moment.

A (58:22)

And it's unfortunately the most common to have the person you trust in your own life be the person that does this.

B (58:29)

And he built trust. He's cooking dinner with you. He's chilling. This is someone you're like, oh, I feel. I feel comfortable. This is a comfortable person I can hang around with. Nothing's weird.

C (58:38)

And so I'm, like, freaked out. He spends the night in my room, and I'm pretty much paralyzed that whole entire night because I'm like, who do I tell about this? I don't have Laura in my life anymore. These friends of mine. I texted Jack the next morning, and he just didn't have anything for me, essentially. And my dad didn't either. And so I was like, I gotta tell somebody because I'm not doing so hot. And he's still in my house. And this is a guy who's, like, much bigger than I am. So people in my life have always been like, well, why didn't you just kick him out? Like, what do I do? Like this. Go down and extend that.

B (59:18)

Paralyzation is the strongest feeling.

A (59:23)

Fight.

C (59:24)

Flight.

A (59:24)

Freeze.

C (59:25)

People don't talk about the freeze.

B (59:26)

They don't talk about the freeze. Your brain is going a zillion miles a minute, but you cannot function. Yeah, right.

C (59:33)

That is how I felt. And I couldn't even cry. Like, I couldn't, like, because I was just. He's right there. He is sleeping in my bed all night. And it's not. If I got up, he would wake up. So I didn't want to even go to the bathroom. Cause it was just like, there is this.

B (59:47)

You do not move.

A (59:48)

You Cannot move.

C (59:50)

So, yeah, like, I was, you know, like, what do I do? And I had to go to work the next morning. So I was like, this is honestly awesome that I have to go to work to get out of the house. And I had the day to just slowly start to actually process the fact that that happened to me. And I'm like, okay, I gotta get this guy out of my house. But how, right? Because Ana and her boyfriend are gone. I don't have anyone else. And I'm like, they're not gonna help me because this is weird. And they're not like super aggressive people. I don't think they would have helped me with it. And so I go back into my room and I'm like, okay, he's not in my room tonight. I'm gonna lock my door. That night, he finds a way to pick my lock.

B (60:37)

What?

C (60:38)

And it happens a second.

B (60:39)

No.

C (60:40)

Yes. There is a key, you know, on top of doors, there's that little ledge. I didn't know there's a little key that you can find. And it like, it's an old house, so you just unlock it.

A (60:53)

Oh, my God.

C (60:54)

And that second time afterwards, I finally, like, my body is finally starting to process. And I'm mad. I am mad. I am freaked out. And I am like, okay, I don't care who it is. Somebody needs to get me out of this situation. And so I am like, okay, who's the scariest person I know? Like, who is going to help me with this situation? Peter and Doug, unfortunately. Peter and Doug? Yeah. So I ask Peter and I'm like, I know that. I like, listen, like, this is a one time thing that I need your help. And I told him and I was like, I'm going to be really honest with you. This happened. I am freaked out and I need somebody to help me get him out of the house. And so he's like, okay. When I was like, like, it's the next day after the second night that happened. And I was like, today, Today is when this is going to happen. And I was like, I think I can do this by myself, but I need somebody physically here if anything happens. Like, I need somebody to be able to come in at any point. And Finn knows who Peter is because we've talked about him. And so I tell Finn, I'm like, hey, come upstairs. Come talk to me. And so he does. And he sees Peter at the door and he is frantic, good as he should be. And I tell Finn and I'm like, what you did to me, you know, what that is. You're not stupid. You have 24 hours to get out of this house. Peter is going to be here guarding my door. And if you are not out, I don't care where you go. I will call the cops. Yeah. And we're gonna make this a thing.

B (62:31)

Or else Peter and Doug are gonna kick your ass.

A (62:34)

Mm.

C (62:35)

And it's so hard with these situations, too, because I know some people at the time asked me, like, well, why didn't you just press charges? And it. It's just so hard when it's like a he said, she said thing, and you don't have any problems. Proof. And I was just like, if I'm gonna have this uphill battle. Yeah, yeah. It's like an uphill battle for, like, a year of your life. And I'm like, do I want this to define me?

A (62:58)

We ask why people don't come forward. Yeah. And then we. People come forward, and you see the backlash they get. It's like asking for double trauma.

C (63:05)

Exactly. And you have people who won't believe you, people who want you to prove it. And then you have to go and retell your story and relive the whole experience. Experience. There's no text messages saying anything. And he was smart enough not to text me anything. And I didn't have anyone in the house with me at the time. So, anyway, so I. Peter stayed, and he slept on our couch, and he was like, look like I'm here as a body to protect you. That's. It didn't bother me. And he was really kind, and he's like, hey, I promise I'm not gonna hit on you. Not gonna do anything or thing weird. And he did, and he was just, like, there. And he helped me get Finn out of the house, and he asked me if I needed anything, and I was like, honestly, I could use some dinner. So he started bringing me dinner, and he comes the next day again, and just, like, checks on me, and it's just, like, really, like, platonic but caring. Like, hey, like, you're clearly traumatized. Let's just. At least you have somebody to talk to about the situation. And so in that way, he started getting back into my life by just using that as, like, I'm checking in on you. I want to make sure you're okay. Let me buy you dinner. Let me whisk you away. Let me do this. And he wasn't hitting on me, and he wasn't doing anything weird. So I was okay with it at the time. Even though there have been crazy things I was just like. So, like, I had to move rooms. I had to get rid of all my stuff, and I just, like, needed help doing that, and he just helped me take care of it. And then one of the days, he's over with me. He just was like, can we just chat for a minute? He goes, I just really want to apologize to you because I acted like an absolute psychopath last year. And I was like, yeah, yes, you did. And he's like, I have been going to therapy, and they put me on an antipsychotic. And I was like, oh, well, that's good for you. And he goes, and I'm doing much better now. And he goes. And seriously, like, what I said to you was inappropriate, you know? And he just goes through all the things where I'm like, these are red flags to me at the time. And he's like, I'm just. He apologizes for all of them. And I'm like, okay, that's nice. Like, I'm. I'm really hoping you're getting better. And then he started doing all the things that I used to really love about him again. So again with breakfast.

B (65:19)

Rebuilding that comfort and that safety. And after being your. After being your hero, you're welcoming it.

A (65:27)

Probably also just any kind of stability, safety. You already know him. Like, I completely. The devil, you know, understand wanting that.

B (65:37)

Abby, I wanted to tell you thank you for sharing your story about your rape. I related to you so much, and so it hits me in my heart. And so I think so many people will relate to it, too. And that's why I'm just so grateful that you're willing to share it. But also, there's something to be said. Just the reason that it got so. Like, for me, people are so afraid to say the word rape. And I think that's why it keeps happening. Not. Not the sole reason, but I think because people are like, oh, well, this is. Is this rape? Like, what constitutes a rape when you don't want it? It doesn't have to be violent. You don't have to get punched in the face. It doesn't have to be. You know? And so I feel like when someone says, hey, he raped me, that is. You're validating. Like, this is something that happened. This is real. And so it gives other people the empowerment to say, this happened to me. And the more we put a name.

A (66:29)

To it, this happened to me. I wasn't. I didn't do a thing.

B (66:32)

Yes, it. We.

C (66:33)

We're.

B (66:34)

We're. It a name. We're calling it out its name.

A (66:37)

Let's not water it down.

B (66:38)

It's not. It's nothing to be watered down. And the more we water it down, the more people are like, oh, well, was it really? And so I just feel. I'm very. I'm just very proud of you, and I really appreciate that you're willing to share and also just be real about it. So thank you.

C (66:53)

Well, thank you. And it's. I mean, it just took me so long to, like. Especially as women, like, we. I don't know. I feel like sometimes we want to water it down and be like, it's not that big of a deal.

A (67:02)

Right. We don't want to be overdramatic.

B (67:05)

Yeah.

C (67:05)

Not. There's a natural tendency. But I think that was my first time where I was like, no. Like, no one can convince me that I wasn't raped.

B (67:13)

Yep.

C (67:13)

Because, like, rape is it in a.

B (67:16)

Back alley where you get punched in the face and left for dead. Not always. You know what I mean? Like, it's just not right.

C (67:22)

And it's, you know, like, you have to relive that experience, too. Usually during therapy. Like, not physically, but mentally. You have to go back because you need to help your body feel safe. Because what a lot of people don't understand about being raped is like. Like, your body stops being able to trust itself in a small way, and you're just stuck where you're like, why am I always anxious? Why? When I feel somebody walking behind me at night, I'm. My body's freezing up, and I know they're probably just walking home, but, like, my body doesn't trust that.

A (67:54)

No, absolutely. And it certainly doesn't help when people in our lives are like, you're overreacting or just get over it. And people do. So he is now back in your life, Correct?

C (68:06)

Yep. So he is back and totally normal, like a normal human. No more Doug.

A (68:13)

Just one more, Right?

C (68:15)

Yeah. Nothing. Nothing weird. I mean, it's nice where he's still, like, doing. I wouldn't even call it love bombing at this point. I would just call it just, like, ways caring. Caring.

B (68:28)

A seed that I'm caring. I can be a good guy.

C (68:31)

Yep. And it was for a year. About a year, I'd say, which is a really long time.

B (68:36)

He did that for a year.

C (68:39)

Totally normal. Were y'.

A (68:40)

All.

B (68:40)

Did y' all date? Were y' all friends? Platonic?

C (68:43)

We were. We started dating, and then for a year after we started dating, totally normal.

A (68:47)

So it was just a healthy.

C (68:48)

Good.

B (68:48)

So you got back with him. You're like, okay.

C (68:50)

We got back together slowly. And I was really cautious, and I had all these asterisks where I was just like, if this happens, I'm out. If this happens, I'm out. I'm like, I'm really cautious about this. And he just kept just sticking to everything where it's just like, yeah, like. And if he would say something that made me uncomfortable, he would just be like, okay, pause. Like, what's going on? How can we fix it?

A (69:11)

So all the problems are now kind of seemingly being solved.

C (69:16)

Yeah. So I'm happy, but I'm also really cautious. I end up graduating to. And we decide. So we were choosing between LA and Nashville, and he decides he has more connections in Nashville, so we move to Nashville. It was a weird choice because I had opportunities in la, but he didn't have anything in Nashville. But we chose to go there because he just thought that, like, things would really take off for him. And I ended up doing, when we got there, some modeling, because at the time, I was just this, like, really tiny little, little gal. And I was doing, like, modeling and trying to get into some auditions. And he didn't really want to have a job because he wanted to try to get into the music stuff, which could have made us a lot of money. So I was like, okay, I'll pause this for now. I'm gonna get a cafe manager job. And I was working 60 hours a week because it's.

A (70:11)

You're supporting both of you.

C (70:14)

Yep. Supporting both of us, essentially. And it worked for a small period of time. I was making enough money to get by, and we had a credit card, so we were just using it. He's at home unemployed. I'm feeling super burnt out. He's at home doing nothing all day.

A (70:32)

No.

C (70:33)

Yep. And he's streaming on Twitch and telling me he's making money off of that, but he can't really afford rent or, like, anything basic, so I kind of know that you can't be making that much money. But I do see him doing streaming.

B (70:47)

So I know you see him doing it and you're able to see the money, though.

C (70:52)

And, you know. You know, there's. I'm not going to say the company name, but there's specific things that are, like kind of sponsoring him and giving him, you know, discount codes. So I'm like, okay, you know, and one of his friends who I will get to later on is, like, loosely supporting him and watching and stuff. So I'm like, okay, so it's legit. So I'm getting more and more angry at the time. And just every time I speak out, he starts telling me like I'm in these manic episodes.

B (71:19)

He started telling you that you're manic for having emotions?

C (71:23)

For having emotions. And he's like, sometimes you're just so relaxed and chill and sometimes you're just, you know, mad. And yeah, that's called being a person. It's called being normal. But he, over the period of, I don't know, it's probably like six or seven months, he slowly plants the idea in my head that I have bipolar disorder.

B (71:42)

Oh, okay. Now he's a doctor, Dr. Peter. Okay.

C (71:46)

And he's getting these quizzes for me and he's asking me these specific questions, right? These diagnostic tools. He's asking me like, he's not asking me all of them, just the ones that he knows that will work. And I go see a therapist and I'm telling them what he's saying just loosely. Well, you know, my partner's saying that I'm this and this. And I'm seeing somebody at. It's an online like telehealth company because I just don't have time to go see it. Like a in person psychologist and psychiatrist. And they're like, well, you know, what we can do is we can put you on an anti seizure medication.

B (72:19)

What?

C (72:19)

And it will just nix, you know, nix the bipolar. And I'm like, do I need that? They're like, yeah, probably. It kind of does sound like we've got a mix of emotions and this is just. Is gonna really even you out.

B (72:31)

You have emotion. So you have bipolar. Here's some seizure medication.

C (72:34)

I mean.

A (72:35)

Yeah, I'm worried about the side effects of this.

C (72:37)

They're horrible and they make me. I don't know if like not submissive necessarily, but like brain fog. Checked out. Kind of dissociated dead inside.

A (72:46)

Like lobotomy. Yeah.

C (72:48)

You're just kind of like, okay. I like to like say, looking back, that I was half of a person essentially inside.

B (72:55)

Wow.

C (72:55)

Because I just, just wasn't all there. If you look back at videos of me too, which I was recently, I was just like, my eyes are kind of just glazed over and it's a, it was a high dose. And those types of medications are just. If you're not. If you don't need to be on them, you should not be on them.

B (73:10)

Yeah, probably not. So did they do any. Did they do blood work? Did they do an analysis? Did they do anything or just based on what you were saying? Based on what your feelings were. They were saying you should be on this.

C (73:25)

They just told me, kind of based on loosely, my partner's concerns and what they thought that, you know, like I said, it's not a. It's not like you go to a. I don't want to say the name of the company, but that you go there and they essentially. It's a medicine farm. You know, it's one of those, like, hey, I need.

A (73:43)

They'll just give you whatever you ask for.

C (73:45)

Yeah, it's like if I want an ssri, they give me an ssri. And so that's why I think the disconnect got. And I should have definitely seen a psychologist, but they also should have asked me more questions. Absolutely.

A (73:55)

I mean, yeah. I mean, I feel like the experience I've been on, which was also telehealth, it was very much like, are you seeing a psychologist consistently? We need to check in with you every month. We might try something, but at a low dose.

B (74:10)

Let's check out a pattern, something.

A (74:12)

You're so right that this was aggressive the way that.

C (74:16)

So I was on the medication, and it was a pretty dangerous medication to be on because it had some pretty severe side effects. So I'm just completely numbed out. And we're going about our life. And one day he says, hey, I want to show you the screenshot I have. And it's my face and his face, or not our faces, but our bodies on an OnlyFans account.

B (74:38)

And what, you and him together under an only fans. That's under your name.

C (74:44)

Under my name.

A (74:45)

And it's a real photo.

B (74:47)

No faces, just bodies.

C (74:49)

No faces, just bodies.

B (74:51)

Doing what?

C (74:53)

She's shirtless. I'm in, like a swimsuit, I think. And it's just like a picture of the two of us on a profile. I'm obviously freaking out. I was raised Catholic, Catholic girl. And so I was like, holy moly. Like, if my parents see this, I'm like, you can't see our faces. But, like, if my parents found out about this, I would.

A (75:13)

And you said it was your name. He used your real name.

C (75:16)

He used my real name. Jeez. Oh, my God.

A (75:19)

Also, just non consent, actually.

C (75:23)

Me, obviously, you know, and then my dad's also a judge, so I can't have anything associated with me.

B (75:31)

Yeah. Because then.

C (75:32)

Yeah.

B (75:33)

Oh, my God.

C (75:35)

He tells me he's been talking to like, hundreds, like 100 people a day as me, and he's sending my personal pictures. So no head. What pictures I had sent him. Yeah. And he's Been chatting these people up as me.

B (76:04)

Okay.

C (76:04)

Okay.

B (76:05)

So does this sound even vaguely familiar to some of you?

A (76:10)

The only fans pimp episode was in our early days. And if you never listen to it, we encourage you to go back because we're getting into that territory again, and we're going to talk more about it at the end of next week's episode because the only fans abuse. And I. You know, it's just a whole department, a whole new can of worms that this modern technology era has opened up and people are really. It's more than we think.

B (76:40)

I'm really, really proud of Abby for sharing so vulnerably about her rape and what happened to her. And I feel like. I just feel very strongly that the. The word rape itself. I feel like too many people skate around it and are afraid to say it, but it's a hard word to hear, and it's a hard word to say, but let's call a spade a spade. Let's start calling this what it is and stop churching it up. And that discomfort, I'm hoping, will, you know, make the offender uncomfortable.

A (77:15)

Uncomfortable.

C (77:16)

Yeah.

B (77:16)

Let's make it an uncomfortable conversation because it is uncomfortable.

A (77:20)

Yeah. People should be uncomfortable when we talk about it.

B (77:22)

Why are we churching up what happened to us to. It just feels like we're kind of defending what they did a little bit. I don't know. It's maybe.

A (77:28)

I get it. Or done. No, I think it's also. We talked about it with her a little, like playing down your own experience and trying to convince yourself or others that it wasn't as serious as it is, or you're fine.

B (77:42)

Yeah.

A (77:42)

And I think her. The fact that she didn't have anyone else that was there for her, which. It still blows my mind. I mean, it just breaks my heart when your community doesn't show up for you, which is why I'm so grateful for you guys, because I do feel like this is a group of people who know when to step up for each other. That lack of community. And then him, Peter being the only one that did kind of step up, he used that rape and that trauma to his advantage, and he snuck back.

B (78:12)

In and he weaseled his way back in.

C (78:16)

And I. I get it.

A (78:19)

I completely get it. Like, she was comfortable with him. She needed safety and security, and he had seemingly done the work. And after something like that, we have.

B (78:30)

I mean, Hannah, do you think it's possible that this is a good example of familiar being the safety, even though the familiar itself isn't exactly safe? Or great when you know, it's like the devil you know, you're comfortable with the devil you know over the devil you don't. And I feel like that this is a good example of how sometimes we go back to what we know, even though it's not great, it's what we know. And there's a safety and a comfort there, and it sucks. But if that's all, it sucks. If that's all you have too, it's shitty.

A (79:04)

I also, I completely agree. And I also think it's a great example of the lasting ripple effects of trauma. Like this trauma of any kind, really. You might think that it's as. It's just, oh, yeah, it was bad, but like, okay, it was one time, two times. But it's like the things that it leads you to accept in your life, the. The bar lowers the.

B (79:29)

Yeah.

A (79:30)

The threshold for safety changes, the expectations for what you deserve or what you want changes. And it's not on a conscious level, like, it changes everything about your life.

B (79:41)

Absolutely. And that affects our self worth, what we think about, what we deserve or what we don't deserve. It affects us in that way. And that's really shitty. I hate it.

A (79:52)

So she's back. And then he is surprised. I've now violated and taken advantage of you again in a different way. And that's where we're gonna pick up next week. And yeah, I mean, the episode we did a long time ago with two amazing women who we still love. Yeah, they dated the same person and he was trafficking them both on OnlyFans. And I do encourage you to go back and listen if you never did. And yep, if there's anything that's come up in it from this episode, I mean, we'll talk more about his multiple personality disorder next week. His, like, all the mental illness stuff that he was kind of gaslighting her about. Yeah, we'll do a thorough debrief, dogfish debrief at the end of part two.

B (80:37)

I'm just so. I'm so mad still.

A (80:39)

I'm so mad. I know, I know. But we love you guys and we can sit in this together because it's not comfortable and it's really like, important and brave of you to even sit and listen to these stories because, yes, it's easy to just want to turn them off. You know me, I'm the one that's like, I just want a romance.

C (80:56)

But.

B (80:56)

And also, this is a great example of how when you share stories like this from any platform, any podcast, any show, whatever, when you Share stuff like this. This is how Abby came to us, was because someone said, hey, you've gotta tell your story on the Dating detectives. And because she shared her story. Watch. There's always at least one who comes forward and says, oh, my gosh, this happened to me. I don't feel alone anymore. That community gets bigger and bigger, and that community could save someone's life. You just have no idea the impact you could have. So thank you so much for sharing and for being willing to be vulnerable and be brave, and we are so grateful for all of our guests. But also, if you're alone and you're holding on to something like this, you have an ear, you have a platform. You are never alone. Never, never, never.

A (81:46)

If this story helps one person when they're. I mean, I. If somebody is assaulted and it makes them feel like they can speak up about their experience versus that feeling of, like, I don't. I don't. I know these people won't help me, and I'll make them uncomfortable or I'll be inconveniencing people, because I don't think she had a support system. Like, I just want one person to be able to be like, okay, hearing that story helped me reach out and get help.

B (82:16)

And that's what makes your story so valuable. But not only that. What happened to you is like, you are worthy of sharing your story and having an outlet. You are worthy of being paid attention to. You're worthy of being listened to. You're worthy of being heard, and you are valuable. You are important. And we hope to continue to be a safe place for you or for someone that you think is, you know, going through something. So thank you for trusting us.

A (82:43)

And if you want more community.

B (82:45)

Patreon, Patreon. Oh, my God. The Patreon community is amazing. I really love. Oh, my gosh, it's such great. We have great conversations. Like, it's really amazing. And the book club is really cool. Anyways, join the Patreon. We'll put it the link in the show notes. And as always.

C (83:23)

Sam.