Molly (1:59)

I. I really. I've always liked Lillian.

Hannah (2:02)

I am thrilled about this. Yeah, we can do it. Maybe we do a full Patreon episode about Lily Allen's new album, you guys.

Molly (2:07)

But you have to go listen to it because it's really cool.

Hannah (2:09)

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. She was dogfish hard and. Okay, so sorry. We'll stay on task. Meredith is a therapist. And I think that's awesome, because not only does she get to talk about her story through that lens, but it's also just such a good reminder that.

Molly (2:21)

This can happen to everybody, even a therapist. It's so interesting because you think, like, even my experience as a P.I. people say, oh, you're a P.I. oh, you tell me this? And I'm like, I. I don't. I. Can I have some more information, please? It's the same thing with a therapist. You would think a therapist knows exactly what to look for, and they know if they're being dogfished. And. Nope, it can happen to anyone. And that's a good example of why people say, oh, I felt so stupid, y'.

Meredith Beardmore (2:45)

All.

Molly (2:45)

It's not about you being stupid. You are never stupid. It can happen to anyone, Anyone.

Hannah (2:50)

Because our feelings and our, like, personality is stronger than most feelings. I think she's a caretaker at heart, and you could see that as she, like, especially being a professional in mental health, you want to be able to be there for your partner and maybe even have more shame if it doesn't work out. So I will get into that. This is. You said a different kind of dogfish as well, because her husband definitely falls into addiction. And I think we tried to do a good job of, like, holding. Holding space, as the Cynthia Erivo says, for the fact that it's devastating, and we can have a lot of compassion for that experience. And also, she has a right to be angry about the behaviors that came from it. And both things can be true.

Molly (3:36)

Yeah. And so a little bit of trigger warning for addiction, talks of suicide, domestic violence, all kinds of abuse. So definitely some sensitive topics, but it's just really great to hear her story in full, exactly the way that she experienced it. And I think that between her listening to her and reading her book, I think you guys will really just be blown away.

Hannah (3:58)

Yeah. If you have any words of support for her or questions, you can always write on our social media Dating Detectives podcast or Spotify has a place where you can leave comments on individual episodes. So, like, comment away.

Molly (4:10)

It also, by the way, the. Wherever you listen to your podcast, there's also a place where you could do, like, oh, dating Tech is five stars, and give, like, a nice comment.

Hannah (4:19)

Oh, what an idea you have there, mackenzie.

Meredith Beardmore (4:21)

We would really appreciate. We'd really appreciate your support in that.

Molly (4:25)

Way, so thank you so much. But without further ado, should we meet Meredith?

Hannah (4:29)

Let's meet Meredith.

Meredith Beardmore (4:30)

Let's bring her on.

Molly (4:38)

Meredith, thank you so much for being here.

Meredith Beardmore (4:41)

Thank you for having me. I am Barry. I honored to be here. I do want to give a shout out to Hayden, who persistently told me to get on dating detectives. Shout out to Hayden, one of my amazing subscribers of my YouTube channel. So thank you so much, Hayden. This is.

Molly (4:59)

That's one thing that we always say is the more people come on and.

Meredith Beardmore (5:02)

Share their stories, the more you're creating.

Molly (5:03)

A sense of community and you never know how something that you're sharing could impact someone else or help someone else. So thank you for being here.

Hannah (5:10)

And I'm excited also because you have the YouTube platform. We'll talk about everything towards the end the book so we get to have, you know, more connection to you, our audience.

Meredith Beardmore (5:21)

I can't wait. Yeah, they will. They will flock. Yes, they will. Love.

Hannah (5:26)

Well, yeah, we say we're excited, but, you know.

Molly (5:29)

Yeah.

Hannah (5:29)

Are we?

Molly (5:31)

I know, right? I always say I'm sober. I'm like, wait. I don't mean, like, really?

Meredith Beardmore (5:34)

I'm excited, but I'm sweating and yeah, I feel a little nervous. But it's. It's just because it's an emotional, deeply emotional story. Cause it's my life. And I wish it's so interesting that it does feel like a movie. So I do feel disconnected now a little bit. Just. Cause it's in the past, which I think is so important to let some women know, like, you do get on the other side.

Molly (5:56)

I need to know that. Cause I have a hard time leaving things in the past sometimes. But thank you again for being here.

Meredith Beardmore (6:02)

Will you share your story? Sure, I will. I want to make sure that I give backstory context just because it is actually. It's just tragic. Like, it's a really tragic story because I loved this man very much and we were together for eight and a half years really, really happily and had a little boy. And it all was the pandemic. Like, I wouldn't be sitting here, I think, if the pandemic wouldn't have happened.

Molly (6:32)

Really?

Meredith Beardmore (6:33)

Really.

Hannah (6:33)

Oh, okay.

Meredith Beardmore (6:34)

Because. So when can I take a drink? Really quick. Yeah, I just got like, so.

Hannah (6:42)

No, I get it. And it's. And it's a lot. Like, honestly, even if you want to start by telling people about what you do for a living, like, if you want to go back to that, just kind of set the scene of, like, who you are, how you got even into the marriage.

Meredith Beardmore (6:55)

Yeah. Oh, gosh. I mean, I. I am a therapist. I have my own private practice. And when I say we had a very great life together for eight and a Half years. But that was before the pandemic. And so when the pandemic hit, my work skyrocketed. Like, I had to work all the time because they lifted bans on insurance so I could go across states to work with other people too, just because of COVID And then he was out of work and he worked in the entertainment business. He's a sound guy on a TV show and.

Hannah (7:30)

Well, do you want to take us? Like, I want to hear how you.

Meredith Beardmore (7:32)

Oh, yeah, I'm almost. Oh, you want to know that? Yeah, you go all the way back.

Molly (7:35)

I'm going to go all of it, girl. Take us back to the book. Okay.

Meredith Beardmore (7:38)

Okay. So what happened was I had moved from LA to New York in 2010, and I was working as an admin Assistant on the 53rd floor of the Apex building in, like, New York City. Like, it was just. It was very. It was a private equity firm and very cool. I was front desk. And this was before I went back to grad school. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. And I was like, this seems. This seems good. So my parents were coming to visit me in New York City for the first time. And it was kind of like today, a very rainy day. Like, it just came out of nowhere. Hardcore rain. And it was messing up somehow the subway system. So it was just delayed and delayed. And my parents were coming from Ohio. They're very, you know, they like their small town. Yeah, they like, they like. But it's. It's a little too big. They're like. So I knew. I was like, I gotta get home before they get there to be able to greet them. And the time was just, we gotta go, we gotta go. And then next thing, I saw this woman next to me who kind of looked like me, which is weird. And I looked at her and she looked at me. She's like, do you want to get a cab? And I was like, sure, let's get a cab. Like, split a cab. She goes, I'm going to see my friend. And this is my ex husband. She's like, I'm gonna go see my friend. And she said, the street, it was 43rd street, and I lived on 48th. And I was like, perfect. How weird. How serendipitous is this? So we're in the car and she's like, so, are you single? And I was like, kind of. I think she's, you know, dating around.

Hannah (9:08)

Young in New York.

Meredith Beardmore (9:09)

And she said, yeah. And she's like, well, my friend that I'm going to see. He's single, maybe. I think you two would really hit it off. So can I give him your number? And I was like, absolutely. So he wrote me, asked to take me out to dinner, and I lived on 48th and he was on 43rd. And he said, why don't we just meet on 45th? I'll be the tall guy. You'll see. We'll meet in the middle. And I saw him and I was just like, oh, wow. And he impressed me by. He was an amazing chess player. Very funny. I am very ironic. He's very good at chess. And he won one, like, beat this guy and did, like, a really quick round. And so just like, things that were just very charming and very much, like, very impressive.

Molly (9:54)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (9:54)

So we hit it off from there. I mean, it was really great. And I thought things were going well. And this was the first red flag was that he had told me I have an ex girlfriend who lives in Sweden, and we have decided to meet up in Costa Rica to see if one last time to see if we can make it work. And I remember just being, like, very appreciative that he was being honest with me. But I also was like, I'm not playing second funeral. Yeah, that's messy. Yes.

Hannah (10:27)

So.

Meredith Beardmore (10:27)

And I. I was hurt and I was like, whatever, do your thing. And then I had heard from. I'd stayed in touch, really, because I wanted to know all the dirt with the woman who had introduced us. And she had told me, like, oh, it didn't work out. It wasn't good with his ex. And then, so months went by and he would write me and I just kind of ignore him, though. And then finally he was like, I understand you have every reason to be standoffish. I wasn't forthright in the very beginning, but there's nothing. Like, we weren't actually. So I was like, I'll give you chance. And so we were together. We even did long distance for two years when I was in grad school. And then as soon as I graduated from grad school, we got a U haul and we moved in together. And it was. It was really great.

Molly (11:14)

Amazing.

Meredith Beardmore (11:15)

Okay, great. Really good. And then I got a job at Iona College, being in their college counseling program. I was also the alcohol and other drugs coordinator there. So if a student would get in trouble with alcohol or drugs, they'd have to come to me. So this will give you an idea of why I was so embarrassed. Like, I'm a therapist and I work in this area. Like, this is more of my specialty.

Molly (11:37)

Right.

Meredith Beardmore (11:38)

Because my sister had struggled with drug use in her early 20s when I was in high school. And so I was really affected by it and saw her go through withdrawal, but also saw the beauty of therapy because it really helped her. And she's been clean and sober for, like, 20 some years.

Hannah (11:54)

Is that what kind of one made.

Meredith Beardmore (11:55)

You want to do that? Definitely. So we didn't get married until the pandemic because I was working in a college setting and he wasn't yet in the motion picture union. He was getting into it right then. So I had my son in 2018, so I was carrying the health insurance. So When I hit 2020, we were like. I had been engaged. We got engaged in 2016.

Hannah (12:22)

Sorry. What's the timeline? You've been together how long when you got engaged?

Meredith Beardmore (12:26)

When we got engaged, we had been together for three years. Okay. And then pretty decent. We were engaged three more years than had our son. And then a year and a half, two years is when we got married. So I decided I wanted to go into private practice. So I was gonna lose my insurance. And so he was getting into the union. So I was like, as soon as he got in, like, we gotta go get married. So during COVID and everything, we went to the courthouse and we did it there. And just. Wow.

Hannah (12:59)

How was your son at that point?

Meredith Beardmore (13:01)

You said he was about 2. Yeah, yeah. And he's in the pictures and everything. It was adorable. It was really, really sweet. Really lovely.

Molly (13:08)

Was there. That's kind of cool.

Meredith Beardmore (13:10)

It is cool. It is really cool.

Molly (13:11)

He was there when his parents got married.

Meredith Beardmore (13:12)

Really sweet. Really sweet. Yeah. And so that was why I got. For the main reason why I got married. But he was incredibly loving to me and just, like, could make me laugh harder than anyone else. And he would cook, clean after, do our laundry. I mean, I'm talking years. Wow. He would do. I thought that I had won the jackpot. Cause I was like, yes, I never have to do these things. But we were a good partnership because he worked more so like a blue collar job, which I'm very attracted to. I loved it. Like, callous is on his hands. And he's just like a working man. Was he like, with my set, I.

Hannah (13:50)

Don'T know how sound mixers hold up that mic so long.

Meredith Beardmore (13:53)

And his arm, his muscles were so incredible.

Hannah (13:57)

They just stand here for like an hour.

Meredith Beardmore (13:58)

Oh, hours. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's very physical. So it was like, very, very hot.

Hannah (14:04)

Yes. Okay.

Meredith Beardmore (14:05)

But he was a very, very good person. Very kind and gentle. And I had found out he had told me, and he'd only told, like, one other person in his life. He had had some pretty serious trauma in his past, and it just made me. Got a very big soft spot for him. So sometimes, whenever. I don't know, he wouldn't want to go out. Whenever people would come to visit, he would say, like, I have anxiety and, like, it makes me stressed. And he would relate it back to those things. And I think I was really understanding. But that was the little. They were like, just, like, little hints of things. But that's not that bad, right?

Hannah (14:45)

Like, it's like, I'm also curious as a therapist. Like, that's obviously a valid thing to have.

Meredith Beardmore (14:51)

Yeah, absolutely.

Hannah (14:52)

But we have seen so many people who either lie or. Really?

Molly (14:56)

Yeah, that one.

Meredith Beardmore (14:57)

That one.

Molly (14:57)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (14:58)

I don't. It's hard to know, but I honestly think he. He wasn't trying to get sympathy. I think he. He was. He was genuinely a really, really great person. Like, very dependable. And, I mean, I knew he would be a great father, so I thought that because he was just so. I mean, he was the type of guy that water would be by my bedside before I even get in bed, and he would have whatever else I needed. Like, he was always thinking about me, and I was, too. For him, though, it was a very healthy relationship, and we would have lots of conversations together about, you know, we all have trauma to varying degrees. And for myself, obviously, I didn't have the severity that he had had, but we were very intentional when we tried to get pregnant, that we wouldn't pass along any trauma onto our child, that we wanted to show him stability and to give him a life that was different than what we had had. So it was. We were very intentional. Like, I feel like I was very intentional about who I chose. You know, someone I was. I was madly in love with him, but also knew, or thought I knew, that he would be there. Like, he was a very rock solid type of guy.

Hannah (16:11)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (16:12)

Like, he did it. Very defendable. Very, very consistent, very good person.

Hannah (16:17)

I wish you weren't here.

Meredith Beardmore (16:18)

I know, I know, I know.

Hannah (16:24)

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Meredith Beardmore (20:04)

The change was slow at first. So when Covid had hit and he was out of work for, I was like, almost seven months, what had happened was he never drank, ever. And then it was one night we went over because, you know, in Covid, you had to have your pods of people that you are.

Molly (20:31)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (20:31)

That you can be around. And so we had our certain friends. So we were over at our friend's house, and our guy friend can make excellent mojitos. And I was like, yes, I want one. I need it. And I was just like, loose and silly and lighter than he had seen me in a long time. I mean, I also had had a child and, you know, there was. It was. It was.

Hannah (20:55)

You're not drinking and.

Meredith Beardmore (20:57)

No, no. So I was having fun. And then he was like, oh, I'm gonna have a drink too. And that was. That was it. I have never seen someone go down. Cause he was the type of person who would have weird, like he would smoke weed or he would have. Where he would drink a lot of five hour energies. And then he would just be like, I don't want to do that anymore. And he would just quit it. So I think he thought that was gonna happen with Al. Yeah. So what had happened was right in March was when everything shut down. Our son was diagnosed with autism in February. Right before that. Oh, yes.

Molly (21:30)

So then you had to deal with all. Oh, wow, that must have been so much.

Meredith Beardmore (21:35)

So much. And he.

Molly (21:37)

So he's like, your son was two at that time.

Meredith Beardmore (21:40)

Two, two and a half. And I had seen the signs, but he was very resistant. And then with the Drinking. Then he. It was like it twisted his brain and the way that he would think about things. So I couldn't say autism. You'd have to say the letter A. He was saying that, well, you know, if you have a hammer or if you see a nail and you've got a hammer, then you're gonna hammer the nail.

Molly (22:09)

He thought, if you're a hammer, everything's a nail.

Meredith Beardmore (22:11)

Yes. Yes. And so, because I was a therapist, he thought. And I was like, but that's not my specialty.

Hannah (22:16)

Right?

Molly (22:16)

So.

Meredith Beardmore (22:17)

So that had happened. And then I'm working a lot. This was the first year of my private practice, which they say is the hardest year to do. Building a caseload. And during COVID So I was working a lot. And then the drinking just.

Molly (22:33)

I.

Meredith Beardmore (22:34)

It just started getting worse. But remember, this man had been a perfect partner for, like, eight years before this. So at first, I was really in denial. And he would binge drink, and then there'd go, like, six months without anything major happening. So I thought. I was like, oh, so he is able to kick it. But when he would binge, it was the scariest thing because he would hide it, too, that he was drinking. So you didn't know down in the basement. So sometimes I didn't know. But then, I mean, you know, because of the smell of it was starting to come through his pores. But one night, he was really bad, and I didn't know. Like. It's like I didn't recognize. But we were gonna watch a movie together. Our son went down in his crib, and then we were gonna watch Uncut Gems. So Julia Fox, that point where he's. Adam Sandler's hiding in the closet watching her, and she doesn't know why she's undressing his mistress. And he started getting turned on by seeing her body on the screen. And he started taking my hand and was, like, trying to get me to do things, but I could smell him. And I was like, no. And usually he was very understanding and reasonable about consent, but it was going to a point where I didn't know what was going to happen. I got so scared that I got up and I climbed in the crib with my son and laid there. Because when I would look at his eyes, you know, when somebody's wasted.

Molly (24:01)

Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (24:02)

And you see, like, the dead behind. And he's such a big person, too.

Molly (24:07)

And, you know, that's like, blackout.

Meredith Beardmore (24:09)

He was blacked out the next day. I laid there and I prayed, and I was like, dear God, please make him walk Away. Make him walk away. He did walk away. But the next morning I wake up and he's not next to me. I looked out back and I saw clothes on our back steps. And then I went into the living room and there he was, passed out naked in the living room.

Molly (24:34)

What?

Meredith Beardmore (24:34)

So weird. So. So it was just very alarming.

Hannah (24:37)

What is in your head when you see that?

Meredith Beardmore (24:39)

Yeah, yeah. I can't. I don't even know when I was in it, I was so disturbed. But also wanted to believe that it was. This was just a glitch. This was just something that. Just a one off that happened because he was very remorseful. And when he was sober, he was much like his old self. Like, it would come back. And I was like, oh my gosh, he's back again. And he had made a pact that he was going to stop drinking. He's like, you know, I can kick anything. And I was like, I know you can. And then can I ask, like, what.

Hannah (25:12)

Was that conversation, bringing that up? Even, like, obviously you said he's remorseful.

Meredith Beardmore (25:17)

But I still can't imagine. Well, I mean, I said if this happens again, Like, I was very afraid of you. Like, I think you were going to sexually assault me. That's how scared I was.

Molly (25:30)

Oh, that must have been so hard.

Meredith Beardmore (25:31)

No, it was awful. It was so scary. And then also the fact that I had to sleep in my son's bed to. To.

Molly (25:41)

You had to crawl into your son's crib. Like, I'm envisioning that. And I can't even imagine what state of mind that you felt safer with your baby in a crib than next.

Hannah (25:52)

To your husband or that you needed to.

Meredith Beardmore (25:53)

Right.

Hannah (25:54)

Protect your baby. Potentially.

Meredith Beardmore (25:55)

Protect him.

Molly (25:56)

Yeah. Or protect him before.

Meredith Beardmore (25:57)

I felt, at the time it was that I thought that if I was curled up with my son, he would leave me alone. Then, like, that would be. Maybe get that. And so I would ask him, you know, how much alcohol are you actually having? And then I started becoming a sleuth. And I would sneak down into the basement, I would find the vodka bottles, like all the different bottles, and I would measure them in the night. Like, I would pour out a certain amount and then fill it back up with water. Like the exact measurement of it, like with a. So that he could not tell that it was. That it was watered down. One time I watered it down too much and he noticed, and he's like, I've noticed that you've been doing that. And there was this shift happening that I was. He has to do this. Cause I'm not fun anymore as a mom. And as a. Because I. And that I wasn't.

Molly (26:56)

How crappy must that have. How crappy that must have felt?

Meredith Beardmore (27:01)

Yeah. Because it was my fault. And I felt so much guilt about it, though, too. And so I would try to do certain things to try to make it better. But then it started getting stranger. Like, one time, I was giving our son a bath, and he just came in, stumbling in, and I could smell him, and I was like, oh, my God. And then he took the shower curtain, just pushed it aside, and he was like, give me a blowjob. No. And I was like, our son's right there. What are you doing? And he was just like, you're no fun anymore. Like, you're just. Ugh. Like, he was disgusting. Disgusted by me.

Molly (27:39)

Feel like crap.

Meredith Beardmore (27:40)

No. Awful. And also just.

Hannah (27:41)

That's disgusting.

Meredith Beardmore (27:43)

Yeah. And I'm like, our son is right there. I know he wouldn't see. And I knew he was little, but it was still just this demanding. He was never that kind of lover, you know, like, he was.

Hannah (27:55)

Yeah. That wasn't something you talked about always.

Meredith Beardmore (27:57)

No, no. It was never. Never in this demanding way.

Hannah (28:02)

Well, that sounds also. Yeah. It's like an ownership type control thing, obviously. Even down to doing that in such an inappropriate time and moment.

Molly (28:11)

It's almost like, give me attention now, get back in here and love me.

Meredith Beardmore (28:15)

Well, he would often, I feel, like, test me to see how much I would prove that I loved him and cared about him. So I was working a lot, and the drinking just.

Molly (28:30)

I.

Meredith Beardmore (28:31)

It just started getting worse. And the. But the weird behavior. So then we would go, like a week. Things would be back to normal. We'd have a very serious conversation. And it seemed like it registered in him, like he understood. But then I also think that I don't think he ever thought I would leave. And the threats were weird. It's almost like when I would lay the law down, it would get worse for me. So then I would try all these different tactics. So then I would go like. I wouldn't even acknowledge it. So.

Hannah (29:01)

Mm.

Meredith Beardmore (29:01)

And then that didn't work for me though, either. So you're testing different. You're trying different paths, watering down stuff. I just got. I got so worn. And another weird behavior was he was changing our son's diaper, and our son had gone number two. And it wasn't wrapped up like, you know how, like, you'll fold the diaper and, like, put the. And he just was like, here, catch. And it hit Me right in the face. Oh, are you serious? And he laughed so hard. He was like.

Molly (29:31)

He wanted to humiliate.

Meredith Beardmore (29:32)

He was like, I never thought it actually hit you. I'm like, you play Frisbee golf. Like, he is a very athletic. Like.

Molly (29:39)

And he obviously enjoyed the humiliation.

Meredith Beardmore (29:42)

Yes. Yeah.

Molly (29:42)

But then that's very sadistic.

Hannah (29:44)

Like, oh, I didn't mean to.

Meredith Beardmore (29:47)

He's like, I didn't mean. I didn't mean to. But just dying, laughing. And then if you have an issue with it.

Molly (29:52)

But obviously. But also the fact that he laughed about it, that in itself is sadistic.

Meredith Beardmore (29:57)

He didn't feel.

Molly (29:57)

And he enjoyed the humiliation. And that's a problem.

Meredith Beardmore (30:00)

It was so. That was so bad.

Hannah (30:02)

I was going to ask especially. I mean, you brought up before we even started recording, like, being a therapist, the shame of feeling like you should have known, which is not. We know.

Meredith Beardmore (30:13)

Yeah.

Hannah (30:14)

Real. But it is real for you.

Meredith Beardmore (30:16)

Yeah.

Hannah (30:17)

Did you label it as abuse?

Meredith Beardmore (30:19)

No.

Hannah (30:19)

Yet.

Meredith Beardmore (30:20)

Not yet. When you're in it, you don't realize. Coercive control.

Molly (30:24)

Yes. And all the trees are falling down.

Meredith Beardmore (30:29)

You can't. And so then I did not think it was abuse because I was still going for the mentality that, well, he hasn't hit me or anything. And I didn't want to be label. I didn't want the label of like, that I'm being abused in my marriage. I'm a therapist. Like, I was like, what?

Molly (30:47)

And that. That makes you feel shameful.

Meredith Beardmore (30:49)

Yes. So then let me go into where he gets this major job on this major TV show where a lot of people who work in the entertainment business and sound or any parts of these TV shows that film for super long hours, they all abuse Adderall.

Hannah (31:09)

Oh, yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (31:10)

Hardcore.

Hannah (31:11)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (31:12)

So he was one person with. That wasn't so great with alcohol. So then we added Adderall addiction into it. That's all that I thought it ever was. And then I learned differently.

Molly (31:26)

But.

Hannah (31:26)

So this is after the COVID Sorry, just timeline. So that he gets a job eventually.

Meredith Beardmore (31:31)

During COVID I think it was in 2021 is when he got.

Molly (31:35)

They started back early into Covid.

Meredith Beardmore (31:37)

It was still early into Covid. He was taking it. They were buying it. And he was taking a lot.

Hannah (31:43)

Like the crews just buying it together. Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (31:45)

It's not one guy in particular who would buy it in bulk.

Molly (31:50)

So was he getting mad on top of the drinking?

Meredith Beardmore (31:53)

Yeah. So the anger was getting worse. It was. It was horrible. But it was about weird things, so health things. My son started having chronic ear infections and he was on antibiotics, and they were ripping his stomach up. You know, they aren't good for that for your tummy. So they were like, we gotta do the ears. It was literally the biggest fight. Cause he was like, he shouldn't be put under at a young age. And I was like, but he's. We're killing off any good things in his belly.

Molly (32:26)

Yeah, right.

Hannah (32:27)

And he's in so much pain.

Meredith Beardmore (32:29)

And then when they did it, they were like, you had a speech delay already. And then they didn't even know how long. They don't think his hearing and his right ear had been there. And this is because he kept delaying it. And then finally I was like, fuck it. Like, I am. I'm scheduling it. We're doing it.

Molly (32:45)

I'm his mom.

Meredith Beardmore (32:46)

He refused to come to the surgery. My sister had to drive all the way from Ohio to go with me to do this. And what's interesting is my tire kept going flat. And we would do that, like, tire stuff. You know what I mean?

Molly (32:58)

The fix a flat.

Meredith Beardmore (32:59)

Of course, that morning, my tire was flat. And so we were almost late getting all the way into the city. And so it was things like that that I was like. You know what I mean?

Molly (33:12)

Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (33:12)

That I think he was trying to sabotage.

Hannah (33:14)

Yeah, so you do. I was like. I was thinking it, but I was.

Meredith Beardmore (33:16)

Like, are we saying that?

Hannah (33:17)

Okay, so you really think he was. He was doing that?

Meredith Beardmore (33:19)

He was trying to sabotage it.

Hannah (33:24)

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Hannah (38:25)

Bring us back to the timeline. Yes, he's taking Adderall now.

Meredith Beardmore (38:29)

Yes, now he's taking Adderall. He's drinking on his way home.

Hannah (38:32)

Oh no.

Meredith Beardmore (38:34)

From work. So my aunt was killed by a drunk driver. And knowing he was driving home drunk and he would brag and boast and be like, oh my God. And I'd be like, okay. So I felt complicit in that. Like I was like, what if something happened and I didn't? And then the kicker was I was doing everything for our child in the household. So this person who was diagnosed with OCD and kept his shoes lined up and did all the laundry and did all of that, that then changed and the house became more disgusting than ever, even though I would try to clean it. So here I am, I've got a child with a disability and then I'm keeping my case slowed. And then I have him making my Life harder. Like, it was so fucked up. So the one thing I asked of him, we had a serious conversation. I was like, I'm doing everything. I'm starting to resent you. You need to choose one, at least one thing with our son to take ownership of.

Hannah (39:44)

Like, just be a partner.

Meredith Beardmore (39:46)

Help me out here, and I'll help me out here.

Molly (39:48)

So be there for our kid.

Meredith Beardmore (39:49)

We enrolled him in the swim program. Well, it's called, like, adaptive swim. Like, he would need extra help and things like that. So this Saturday, he goes. He takes our son to the swim lessons. He comes back, I go outside and I'm like, oh, hi, you're back. And I give him a kiss. And it was pure Alcraft. And though I was like the rage that overwhelmed me. And he was like, no, I just stopped at the liquor store right before we turned down the street. He's like, I just took one shot. He's like, there's so many people that go and they drive like after a parties or whatever. I'm like, it's literally 12pm yeah.

Hannah (40:34)

Even if that's the story and you.

Meredith Beardmore (40:35)

Drive somewhere with our child. No. Never.

Molly (40:39)

Okay.

Meredith Beardmore (40:40)

Never. Never.

Molly (40:41)

Nope.

Hannah (40:42)

Oh, I'd be so scared.

Meredith Beardmore (40:43)

That's when I put down one of the final, final ish ultimatum where I said, you either. You go to detox and rehab. We're done. Like, over my body with my kid. Because the driving home drunk was making me feel really uncomfortable then. And then whenever that I just.

Molly (41:03)

You're willing to put my kid at risk. Thank you.

Meredith Beardmore (41:06)

Yes. And I don't want people to think that I was like, I have guilt over this that I should have. Like, why did I think he wouldn't do that with our child? But I just didn't. I really didn't. I really didn't believe you because you.

Molly (41:20)

Have trust in your partner.

Meredith Beardmore (41:22)

And it was the one thing. And you're like, this is.

Molly (41:25)

That's his. Like, that's his dad.

Meredith Beardmore (41:28)

But he didn't. He really. He. You know people who. When they really hit, like, you have to want to change. So thankfully, I did this for my job. I knew the places to whatever. We had great health insurance. He goes to detox and he's at first really judgmental. He's got me.

Molly (41:52)

He doesn't think he's one of them. He thinks he's better than them.

Meredith Beardmore (41:55)

But I was like, you're like, who? I just was like, oh, he's not taking this serious. And then we were approaching Memorial Day weekend, and I wanted detox and rehab this Is serious and Memorial Day to big drinking. You could have. Yes. You. This is arch. Like my flesh and blood. Like, I. If anything happened to him, I wouldn't be able to live with that guilt.

Hannah (42:20)

And how could. I mean, you.

Meredith Beardmore (42:22)

He had to. And I could tell by the way he was talking he was not. And he checked himself out after five days, and I was like, you're not coming here. And of course he showed up. And I was like, why did you check yourself out? And he's just like, why would I be away from you guys? Like, we should just go down to the beach and hang out.

Hannah (42:43)

And I checked myself out because I wanted to go have fun at a party.

Meredith Beardmore (42:49)

Yeah. That is the problem, though, with someone loving somebody with an addiction issue, it's very confusing. But you have two realities. You know, where he has his and then there's mine. Where. I mean, he thought we were just gonna go. He did not think I was serious.

Molly (43:08)

How long had you been together at this point?

Meredith Beardmore (43:09)

This is going on 10, nine or 10 years.

Molly (43:12)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (43:14)

He really. He was like, there's. She's not going. She's going anywhere. Not going anywhere. She'd been here.

Hannah (43:18)

That he. Up to this point at he. Did he ever ask for help or said like, I have a problem or had any come to Jesus moments with you?

Molly (43:26)

Any kind of vulnerable conversation after that.

Meredith Beardmore (43:28)

First one with Julia Fox that. But then it just became, she's. I'm just no fun. I don't.

Hannah (43:37)

Yeah. So it was.

Meredith Beardmore (43:38)

I don't get it.

Hannah (43:39)

He never had that accountability.

Meredith Beardmore (43:42)

So he gets out of detox, he comes back home, and they had prescribed him some kind of meds, but he's acting worse than ever. He set up in our living room. Like, again, my son has autism and sensory issues.

Hannah (43:59)

He.

Meredith Beardmore (44:00)

He. He creates this shop, like a wood shop in our dining room. And was like, I'm gonna make him a rock climbing wall. Like just this, like, delusion.

Hannah (44:11)

Random.

Meredith Beardmore (44:12)

Random.

Molly (44:13)

Just in your house.

Meredith Beardmore (44:15)

And he did. And it was very heavy. Yes, he did a rock climbing. It wasn't huge. It was like. I mean, it was big enough for a child, for a kid to climb up to the top. Yeah. You know, whatever. So I'm like, okay, we got to. We got to turn off the saw. And all these things are like, this is. This is too much. Like it's upsetting our son. And he got frustrated. So then he left and he went on a hike. Supposedly his phone died for a period of time. And I noticed our son was starting to get sick and he was really, really hungry. We didn't have hardly anything. And I was like, can you get back here? Can you pick up something? And when he wouldn't pick up the food and, like, didn't. When his phone finally turned on and, like, wasn't proactive, I just was like. Like, I am. But I stayed calm, and I said, I need you to get back home. We need to talk. I put our son to bed, and I sat down, and I'm like, you have to go to rehab or we are separating. Like I've said before, you have to go. You are not right. You are not prioritizing our son. You don't seem okay. You don't seem okay. And he was trying to. Like, word salad is very big with narcissists, where they say a lot of things that are very confusing and talk a lot, and you're sounds good and just throws a lot. And I'm like, no, I'm not talking about this anymore. I'm done. You're going or you need to go? And he kept trying and trying, and we have a steel baby gate that's right there. And I said, I'm not talking about this anymore. I am going to bed. And it's like I flipped some kind of switch, and he got so enraged, and he kicked that steel gate at me as hard as he could. It hit my wrist, and my wrist is just, like, blowing up. Like, it's just so big and fat. And I'm squeezed because I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And it's like, he came to again, and he was like, I'm so sorry. What did I do? What did I do? Then he picks up the phone, calls the police, and says, it was domestic violence. I kicked this at my wife. I just need to go to jail. Blah, blah, blah. And then he disappears out of the room, and I. I don't have a bra on. And so I'm sitting there like, oh, my God. Not sure where he went, but I'm in shock totally. And then I don't know how much time passed by, and then here comes the fucking cop and is like, did.

Hannah (46:58)

You know he had called them?

Meredith Beardmore (46:59)

I could. I heard it. And this cop just comes around, and I was like, oh, my God. He's like, yeah, we need to talk to you. And I was like, yeah, he hit this. And then he stood up. And then he went into. He goes, you have a kid here? And I said, yes. And he goes, I need to make sure he's safe. And I was like, he was Asleep during the whole thing. And he walked around the bed, like seeing my son. And I just was like, is this even real? So then two other cops come in. I'm in the living room at this point. My son slept through the whole thing and my ex is out front of the house. And the cops were like, basically, what do you want to do? And I'm like, I think he's having a psychotic break or there's something going on. Like, I don't know what meds he just got off of out of detox. He's not right. I was like, please take him to get evaluated. Cause he was saying things in the word salad about not wanting to be alive if he couldn't be with me. And like all of that. Which I was like, I couldn't fall for it anymore. Like, I just was like, and I'm not meaning fall forward that it's not true, but it was very manipulative. And I knew it in that moment. I was like, this is no. Like, I'm putting my foot down. You can't talk your way out of this anymore. Like, I've literally listened and been underspanic so good at it. And so they decide to take him to the local hospital and they said, you should get evaluated with your wrists. And I was like, no, because who's going to stay with my son? Like, what if he wakes up? Like, my ex, like, idiot, didn't even think of. Like, this goes so beyond just us. We have a child here. So I told them that. They agreed. They asked, do you want to press charges? I said no. And then I texted the picture to my sister. And then my parents got in the car and started the like 8 1/2, 9 hour drive from Ohio to New York. And I was just in total disbelief. And they told me, I said, when will he be back? Cause I just need some time. Like I need time to wrap my head around it. And my family's on the way and they're like, they'll probably hold him for a day or two maybe. And like I knew as a therapist usually that's the case.

Molly (49:28)

This wasn't like. So it's not like a 72 hour thing. Correct.

Meredith Beardmore (49:32)

I thought it was going to be a 72 hour. Usually it's three days when you have something suicidal ideation or like, or say that you have it. And I told them he had said these things to me. So then I kind of go to sleep and then at 3am I got up to get a glass of water and he's Standing by the bookshelf in our dining room in the dark.

Hannah (49:55)

What?

Meredith Beardmore (49:55)

And he's like, I'm so sorry to. I'm so sorry. He went and he was able to talk his way.

Hannah (50:02)

No.

Meredith Beardmore (50:04)

Out of being in a psych hold or anything like that.

Hannah (50:08)

How did I not just say? They were really good at that. Genius.

Meredith Beardmore (50:11)

That's what I'm talking about.

Hannah (50:12)

Twisted way.

Meredith Beardmore (50:13)

Twisted genius. Charismatic, evil. She's just.

Molly (50:17)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (50:18)

No, he walked back.

Hannah (50:21)

How far?

Meredith Beardmore (50:22)

What? I don't. It wasn't far. It was probably like a mile and a half or something.

Molly (50:26)

That's still far.

Meredith Beardmore (50:27)

So far. Released him. He's standing there and he's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I scared you. He was like, don't worry. Like, I'm not gonna do anything. And I was like, I need you to go. You need to go.

Molly (50:40)

Get the fuck out.

Meredith Beardmore (50:41)

Yes. So he did leave. I don't know where he went. And the next day, we wake up. My parents still weren't there at this point in the morning. It was early.

Hannah (50:55)

How did you go back to sleep? I don't even remember.

Meredith Beardmore (50:56)

I didn't really.

Hannah (50:57)

Yeah. I would be out of my mind.

Meredith Beardmore (50:59)

But then he came in the morning, and we had, like, a latch on our door. He took a knife and he stuck it between there to, like, lift the latch and came in. And he's like, I need to take him.

Molly (51:16)

I'm sorry, what?

Meredith Beardmore (51:17)

Yeah. He goes, come to Daddy. Come to Daddy. And my son goes like this.

Molly (51:23)

Puts his hand in.

Meredith Beardmore (51:24)

Puts his hand out, like, come to not speak. Nothing. And I knew not to say, no, you can't, because that would set him off more. So I just stayed silent. And it was like a force from my son. Like, he literally walked out of the room.

Molly (51:38)

So he basically just, like, didn't even give him eye contact or didn't look at him.

Meredith Beardmore (51:43)

Just held his hand out, like, nope.

Molly (51:45)

Just extends his arm all the way out and just hand up, like, nope, not doing it.

Meredith Beardmore (51:49)

You're not coming near me.

Hannah (51:50)

And how'd that feel for you sitting there?

Meredith Beardmore (51:52)

Wow, wonderful. Like, great. Like. Because I was like, thank God. Thank God. And he walked away. And then.

Molly (51:58)

I just know more than we think they do.

Meredith Beardmore (52:00)

Yes.

Molly (52:01)

Kids are more intuitive than I will tell you. When he did the thing. When.

Meredith Beardmore (52:05)

When.

Molly (52:05)

When your son was like, hell to the no and did the thing with the hand.

Meredith Beardmore (52:09)

Yeah.

Molly (52:09)

Was he like, why doesn't he love me? Or did he just, like, leave?

Meredith Beardmore (52:12)

He left. He walked out. There was no words exchanged. It was weird. So then he Leaves. And my parents come, trying to process it all. They're like, why do you have a wood shop in your dining room? And there's a week in between that incident, and then it took him a week to finally go into rehab for 30 days. So during that week, I don't know what all he was doing. I couldn't even care anymore. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just was so. I so, so done. But I was like, you can't come back until you. So we finally went in and they had therapy sessions where, like, I would call in and.

Hannah (53:00)

But you were like, there was still a part of you that was like, if we can get past this, we're.

Meredith Beardmore (53:05)

Still gonna make this work.

Hannah (53:06)

Okay. Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (53:07)

That's why I was very hopeful when he finally, like. I was like, staying firm actually worked. He went into rehab and he did the 30 days. It fell on the 4th of July around there when he was getting out. And I always go to Ohio. Cause my best friend comes in from Portland every year. And I have arranged where there's a car that's going to pick him up from rehab and take him to a halfway house or like, something similar. Something similar. So he could be doing intensive outpatients. It's the next step down from being.

Molly (53:42)

In integrating back into real world.

Meredith Beardmore (53:44)

Yes, yes. And he refused and said that. I can't believe you weren't here when I got out of rehab to be with me. Like, how could you be in Ohio when your own husband's getting out of rehab? And I was like, I am spent. Like, I'm not going to feel guilty. And I was like, okay, well, I'm coming back. I didn't want him back in the house because down in the basement, well, I'm scared. And also, he had stuff he had told me when he was in rehab, where all of the alcohol bottles and things like that were hidden up in the rafters and stuff. He would describe it. My mom and I. My mom is the biggest snoop. We scoured that thing, could not find any anywhere. We were like, the ceiling.

Hannah (54:32)

Oh, my God.

Meredith Beardmore (54:33)

Yeah. And that's what I think the wood shop thing was like. I think that he had built some things. I don'. It was very bizarre. It gets even more bizarre. So when I came back from Ohio, I was like, you cannot live in this house until I know you are sober. You're gonna stay in hotels or whatever. I'm not doing it until I'm not doing it. But I also felt bad for my son, and I wanted him to still have him. It was really hard. So he is living. So I think. And the hotels. And he had come over one day. It was agreed upon for dinner at this time with my mom and I and our child. And he smelled.

Molly (55:16)

No, no, you smelled the alcohol.

Meredith Beardmore (55:19)

I was like, you gotta. No. Like, you gotta go. I can't believe you're doing this. Like, you can't even come over and be sober with your child. You're saying that you want to be in his life. You say that you want to be. Make this work. And all of these things, like, your actions are not showing it. You cannot keep just talking this talk and talk and talk and make it out like he would weaponize his own trauma. It's like he's like, how could you do this? You know everything I've been through, you know that it helps me. I've been through so much.

Molly (55:49)

How could you do this to me?

Meredith Beardmore (55:50)

How could you do this to me? I was the villain, right? So, Darvo. Yeah, exactly. And so I was like, you need to go. So then we were at. I was working on a Thursday. I had made an appointment to talk to a lawyer on Friday, because all my friends were like, just talk to a lawyer. Cause I was a little concerned if he would come back in and stay there. Like, what are my rights?

Molly (56:20)

Figure out what your rights are.

Meredith Beardmore (56:20)

Figure out what my rights are.

Molly (56:21)

What you can do. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce. Right then. Exactly.

Meredith Beardmore (56:25)

But you can learn more about what you're doing. Legal rights aren't. Well, my legal rights were. So we're on Thursday, I'm working, and my mom at the end comes up, and she looks like she's seen a ghost. And she's like. I was down clearing out the recycling, and I found these. And I was like, what did you find? And it was all of these in credit cards. But IDs. Like, one guy. There were like three of his IDs. What? But different expiration dates. And the credit cards, Tons a stack.

Hannah (57:01)

What, all different people?

Meredith Beardmore (57:03)

Well, one guy was like, multiple IDs, and then one credit card. Did it look like him?

Molly (57:09)

Would the pictures look like him? Or was it just.

Meredith Beardmore (57:11)

No, no, no, no. There were other people. There were other people on their credit card. So I call him, and he didn't answer the first time. So I called again. I was like, this is so weird. And he said that he found them in the parks and that week in between that he was.

Hannah (57:26)

He found a stack of credit cards.

Meredith Beardmore (57:29)

And he found various IDs and the.

Hannah (57:30)

Dirt and wait, so what did you think this was?

Meredith Beardmore (57:33)

Like you had no idea?

Molly (57:36)

I immediately thought I got theft.

Ad Host (57:37)

Yeah.

Hannah (57:37)

What do you think I got the.

Meredith Beardmore (57:38)

So scared. Like, I just. Yes, I did think that. And then the lawyer was the next day and I was like, my mom found these things and she's like, you have to file immediately.

Molly (57:50)

Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (57:50)

You don't know what he is doing with those.

Molly (57:53)

Well, as soon as you file, then you're not. Listen, I ain't in part of this.

Meredith Beardmore (57:57)

Like, I'm not part of this. So I won't be legally financially responsible for anything or connected to it.

Molly (58:01)

Yeah, because it sets that date. It sets that. Like on this date, I decided this.

Meredith Beardmore (58:06)

Anything else?

Molly (58:07)

Not my problem.

Meredith Beardmore (58:07)

And she's like, that is not good. That's a bad sign. And so then what happens is she instructed me, sent him an email telling him that you're gonna file on Monday and send it to him tomorrow morning. She said, are you afraid of him or afraid for your well being? And I said, yeah, yeah, I kind of am. And she's like, okay, well, definitely call the police if you feel like you need to. If he comes over. She also said, do not let him in the house. She goes, if he comes into the house, he can stay there.

Hannah (58:39)

Yeah, he'll.

Meredith Beardmore (58:39)

And you will make your life a living hell. So I was like, oh my God. So that morning, that Saturday morning, I remember having a complete breakdown, but like praying where I was like, fuck you, universe, God, whatever you are out there. I was just like, just fucking like, I just need this to end. I need this to end. Please protect me. I'm so scared. Like, I'm so scared. But I was like, but I just feel like I need the truth. And I kept saying, saying if you need to burn it down to the ground, burn it down to the ground. And I don't know who I was talking to. I was speaking out. I was like, burn it down. I send the email, I get a call and he's. We are not separating. I do not give consent to separate. I don't give a shit. I'm sorry.

Molly (59:28)

Beg pardon?

Meredith Beardmore (59:28)

Mrs. Nobody asked pardon. Yeah. And I'm like, by the way, you.

Molly (59:32)

Don'T actually need their consent. You can file a petition to get a divorce.

Meredith Beardmore (59:36)

No, but it was more of this control. Like he thought you could just say that. And then I'd be like, okay. Like, no. Oh, you don't. Oh, okay, we'll stay married. Okay, we'll stay married. It's fine. And I was like, no, I don't And I could tell in his voice he was fucked up. I knew it.

Molly (59:49)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (59:50)

And he said, well, I'm coming over right now to get our son. I'm gonna take him for a bike ride. And I said, no, you're not.

Molly (59:56)

Who the hell you are.

Meredith Beardmore (59:57)

No, you're not. I said, he is sleeping right now. You are not coming over. You can come over at 2 o' clock. Because it was around 11:30 noon. And he said, no, I'm coming over now. You don't get to tell me when I get to see my child and you don't get to tell me, but like, just live it. I'm on my way. And then I thought, though I had convinced him enough that he wouldn't come till 2. So I legit am laying down with my son and my mom comes flying into the room and she's like, he's here, he's coming up the. He's here, he's here. And I was like, what? And so my mom and I instinctively take this rock climbing wall and we both picked it up and we pulled it in front of that door. Now he did have good, but we needed time. I call, I get on the police and then there's this door that blocked from the front of the house to the back of the house. And it had a latch on the other side, like a little latch so that when the babysitter would come over and if I was working in the back, my son couldn't just like open the door and walk in on sessions. So we go through that, lock the door, we start going out the front with our son, my mom, my son and I, and we go to the front. And I was like, am I supposed to go? They were like telling me on the phone, they're like, the police, they're on their way. They're on the way. And I could hear banging. Sir. I was like, oh, no. I think he, he's in here. So what do I do? I go upstairs, like to like, do I hide? What do I hide? Do I do? And they were like, if he's in the back, go run and hide. Run and hide. It was one of the hottest days ever. So my mom and I run across the street and we hide down in these trees and bushes behind these things and wait till we finally hear the sirens. A minute or two later they go up there. And here he was. That second door they had, he had picked up the rock climbing wall. It was out of the way and he started destroying that door. So there was a huge part of the Door frame that he then had taken and put in his car.

Hannah (62:02)

What.

Meredith Beardmore (62:03)

And what he got arrested for was the destruction of the property. Because they were like, you have it in your car. Like you. It doesn't matter if your wife and your child and the grandmother on the other side. Why would you need to do this? Right? And so they ended up arresting him. One cop came over, saw us over there. My son is literally in a diaper, and I look like trash. Cause I'm just like, I've been so stressed. I mean, I'm telling you, I was skin and bone. I was amazing. I could not eat.

Molly (62:36)

Do you contribute that to stress and.

Meredith Beardmore (62:38)

Fear and all of that? I could not eat. I couldn't eat. It was like that painful, that worry in your gut. Like, you can't. It was so bad. And then they took them away. And we go inside, and I'm literally like, is this happening right now? The police make me get on the phone with a DV advocate and have to go through the checklist of things. And I was like, is this fucking real life? Like, oh, my God, like, this is. And I was kind of mandated to talk to the domestic violence and that. Then also because our son was technically in the house, CPS was then involved.

Molly (63:14)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (63:14)

In New York. It doesn't matter. So I didn't know all of us at the time, but.

Molly (63:18)

But now they have to determine the safety of the child and the child in further danger.

Meredith Beardmore (63:22)

So he said, I think he's gonna stay there for the weekend. But I don't know. My advice is that you leave. Like, go. Go to Ohio. Go back to Ohio. So I was like, okay. The DV person told me, she goes, get all of your things. Get your passports, birth certificates, anything you.

Molly (63:45)

Need to get out.

Meredith Beardmore (63:46)

Anything you need to get out. And I said, okay, I've got it. And when I went into the filing cabinet, I saw where he had. I knew that he had filed away his rehab stuff, but I was at that point where I was like, I don't want to be his mom anymore. I'm sick of being a snoop. I'm saying I can't control this. I've tried everything, but at that point, I finally, for some reason, you know, I was getting the IDs or whatever. I took it and I went through. And it was the lab's room when he entered rehab. And here it was mdma, Ecstasy, benzos, couple different kinds, like Xanax and things like that. There was massive amounts of amphetamines, which were the Adderall and It had alcohol, it had marijuana, all of the things. And I just was like.

Molly (64:35)

So it was drugs, alcohol, more than you ever anticipated? Never.

Meredith Beardmore (64:39)

And I took a picture of it. And my best friend, her brother's a doctor, and so I said, can you please send this. Send this to Cole. And he immediately was like, this is meth. Because it was so much amphetamines. And if you know anything about, like, people who are on meth, they kick in things. Like, they kick down doors. They do things like he had been doing and he did to me, but I just was like. The wind was knocked out on me with that just being like, holy shit. This is so much worse than I ever knew. So then were packing up, and then. But his. Cause he got arrested. He had blown up the driveway and blocked my car, and I was right here.

Hannah (65:17)

Oh, God.

Meredith Beardmore (65:18)

So I had to get in his car and park it on the street so that I could get out. So I get in. I have his car, like, we. And I reversed it down. And this is one of those paranormal, weird things that happen. I'm getting ready to get out of the car, and I am telling you. I felt as if right on this same wrist, I felt. I felt a hand.

Molly (65:40)

This. And move your hand to where I.

Meredith Beardmore (65:42)

Put my hand on this black bag. There's a black bag in the passenger seat. And I just knew I'm gonna open it. Like, I just. So I unzipped it. And if you know anything about me, I hate receipts. Like, I don't look at them.

Molly (65:56)

Don't give me no receipt. I did not email it to me. I do not want it.

Meredith Beardmore (65:59)

But I did. So I look at it, and on the console, I like, you spread it out. And I was like, I'm gonna see five hour energy. And, like, you know, whatever I do, I see a five hour energy, and I see for emergency, Plan B. Plan B.

Molly (66:21)

The Plan B Chronicles.

Meredith Beardmore (66:24)

Yes, that's why I named it. And I'll tell you more because there's more about it, but I got that. And I.

Molly (66:30)

It.

Meredith Beardmore (66:30)

It's like the world was spinning.

Hannah (66:32)

Yeah, this is your first.

Meredith Beardmore (66:33)

And I couldn't even. I. And by the way, I don't have fallopian tubes. I had a really difficult birth or I almost died. It was like a whole thing. So they removed my. Like, I don't even have them tied. So I knew. No. And I was like. So I prayed that morning. And it's literally like four hours later when I say burn it to the ground. Like, let the truth stand. Because I saw like, all those cards and stuff. I literally got how bad it was. The drugs? Yeah. The one that he had been cheating on me, he had bought it at 9am the day before.

Hannah (67:09)

The day before.

Meredith Beardmore (67:10)

The day before.

Hannah (67:10)

So while all of this is going down, he's trying to burst into the house.

Meredith Beardmore (67:14)

And the day before that. Yes.

Hannah (67:18)

All right.

Meredith Beardmore (67:19)

And so I am in disbelief, but I took it and I shoved it up into where you see, like, your speeds and whatever. Yeah. And I shoved it up in there. Cause I was like, I want him to know that I know. When he gets out of jail.

Molly (67:32)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (67:32)

No, I know. So automatically, when this kind of stuff happens in New York, there is a protection order. Thank God for that. That I didn't have to. Like, they make it so that you stay separate. Because it's like in having a child.

Molly (67:48)

We don't trust y' all assholes to get back together. Y' all stay apart.

Hannah (67:51)

How long does that last?

Meredith Beardmore (67:53)

It's like three to six months. And then you have to.

Molly (67:57)

In other states, you have to beg for one.

Meredith Beardmore (67:59)

Yeah. And I'm telling you one thing that I hope women that might be in this situation that are listening right now, that they do what I did. And I had friends and family members encouraging me anytime he breaks that protection order.

Molly (68:15)

You go to the police every single time.

Meredith Beardmore (68:18)

Write it down.

Molly (68:19)

Write it down, Make a report, document it, text your mama, tell your best friend, call the cops. Every time.

Meredith Beardmore (68:26)

I have had my friend come over and drive me to the police station and sat in the car full blast. Like, entertaining my son and our dog and everything in the heat, like, just to. Just because my friends rallied. Like, when you finally make the choice of being like, my life has gone beyond. I'm not capable of handling any of this. Like, I need you all. They fucking stepped up like they were. And that's why I also love. There's like, a review. Somebody left. They're like, this is, like, how you also build a tribe of women and people who will.

Hannah (69:01)

It's the most important thing, I think, in all of these abuse cases.

Meredith Beardmore (69:04)

Yes, absolutely.

Molly (69:05)

But it's interesting because you said before, like, I was embarrassed to say anything, like you're embarrassed to. But what you don't realize is that you are valuable. You do have worth. And there are people in your life who know that and see it and are willing to go to bat for you again.

Meredith Beardmore (69:19)

Willing.

Molly (69:20)

I'm so grateful for them. Because then you didn't have to worry about, what about my son? Like, you just felt safe and you felt like, I Trust him. It's fine.

Meredith Beardmore (69:26)

Yes, I went to Ohio. I had to do a zoom to show my son was safe there with the social worker who I discuss in here. Cause she was a fucking idiot. This is how charismatic he is. So I was in Ohio, but my son was in this amazing summer program that he really needed. And so I didn't want to go back to New York, but I felt like I had to do right by my son. And also, kids on the spectrum need stability. They need their routine. He needed his home, which is what.

Molly (69:57)

You were fighting for, which is why you stayed with his dad.

Meredith Beardmore (70:00)

That's what you're advocating for. Thank you so much. I went back and the social worker came over and she asked me, oh, what's your side story? And then I asked her, have you met with him? And she was like, oh, yeah. She's like, he loves you. He was crying.

Hannah (70:16)

Was he crying?

Meredith Beardmore (70:18)

He was crying over him.

Molly (70:19)

He really was sad.

Meredith Beardmore (70:20)

And I was like, that.

Molly (70:21)

Bless his heart.

Meredith Beardmore (70:22)

That.

Molly (70:22)

Bless his heart.

Meredith Beardmore (70:23)

He has literally cried crocodile tears trying to get me back how many times. I'm just, like, numb to it.

Hannah (70:29)

He's there with his tissue.

Meredith Beardmore (70:30)

Yeah, exactly. He's good at it.

Hannah (70:32)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (70:32)

And I said, I'm concerned about, like, I need to go get tested because he had unprotected sex. And she goes. She goes, oh, he told me that you two hadn't been intimate in months.

Molly (70:44)

Oh, thank God. He said that. I was getting concerned.

Meredith Beardmore (70:47)

How unprofessional is that to even say that? And my mom's there.

Ad Host (70:50)

Oh, my God.

Meredith Beardmore (70:50)

And I was like, well, actually, that's not true. And I was like, I told you, I found a plan B receipt and the car. And she goes, oh, like, no, you would know already. You would already feel it down there if there was something. No. And I was like, no, that's not true. Like, you have no idea. Like, the word. I couldn't. She was.

Molly (71:09)

Was this a grown up with this job?

Meredith Beardmore (71:11)

Yes. Like a grown adult that grew up.

Molly (71:15)

She shouldn't even be.

Hannah (71:16)

I'm sorry.

Molly (71:17)

Telling.

Meredith Beardmore (71:17)

Like, she said it. It was weird when she said it that he. Well, he told me you guys hadn't been intimate. I literally was like, oh, he did the whole. Right, get ready.

Molly (71:28)

Oh.

Hannah (71:31)

No.

Meredith Beardmore (71:31)

It's a side thing. So my mom and I remember just looking at each other and we're like, what just happened? It was the weirdest thing. And then I went back to Ohio and my son's program. It was like two weeks after that, after I'd had the testing, and I was fine. But I also was, like, talking to his youngest sister because we were close. And she was like, trying to find out who. Who this person was, like, who was he sleeping with? So I am sitting with my sister in Ohio and she's like, we gotta find out who this person was. We gotta. We gotta find it all out. And I was like, she would let me. I can't. She was like, that's what we do. Loves it.

Hannah (72:12)

We're like, we gotta everything.

Meredith Beardmore (72:14)

Give me your login to your phone. And I had not even thought about that. And I did. She printed them out and she color coded all of the numbers because we KNEW it was 9:01am the day before. So any numbers that were going on during that night leading up, she was like, we got it narrowed down. Narrowed down. I called cold, called quite a few people that he went to rehab with, who he's actually talking to. So then there's a number and we call. And for some reason at that point, some reason, I was like, I don't want to talk. You can use my phone. But like, I don't. So she acted as me. And she goes, hi, my name is Meredith, and my husband is dealing with some issues, and I just learned that I found a plan B receipt and I don't have fallopian tubes. I know that he's cheating on me, and I just want to know who the person is because it's just been weighing on me. And she goes, oh, yeah, I know him. She's like, I'm just helping him through a hard time. And she goes, that's nice of her. So you know him like you through what? Work? And she's like, yeah, we're together.

Hannah (73:24)

Oh, she asked you that? Okay. She works with him.

Meredith Beardmore (73:27)

And she goes, I'm sorry, I'm really tired. Can I. Can I call you back tomorrow?

Molly (73:31)

No.

Meredith Beardmore (73:32)

And now what my sister said, she goes, yes, but I want to talk about. Can we choose a time right now? And she's like, well, I'll be done with work and could we do 4pm and she said, yeah, I'll call you then. And she got off the phone and we're like, that's who it is. That's who it is.

Hannah (73:53)

And did you get her name and stuff? No, no, no. Okay.

Meredith Beardmore (73:57)

But I did eventually. So I knew that was the number. And I had seen other numbers, so I was still working through the list because I knew it was her. But I was like, I still have a few more trust but verify.

Molly (74:09)

And you still gotta eliminate process of Elimination.

Meredith Beardmore (74:12)

So I came across the. I think it was like the second AD on the TV show who he had been texting with. And she was like, what's an ad? Second assistant director.

Molly (74:24)

The second assistant. Oh, okay.

Meredith Beardmore (74:26)

Yes, okay. On the set. And I said what I had said to the other woman. She was like, oh my God. She's like, I no, it's not me. But I just can't believe he would do that. He always talks about you. He always talks about your son. And she's like, but I did see a big change in him from season seven to season eight. And she was like, you're gonna be just fine. I had a single mom and similar things. And she was like, really, really awesome. I was like, you're amazing. And we headed off like, I don't know how, through the phone, like it was bizarre. And she was like, can we keep this conversation offline? And I said, sure. And I go, but I have the number. Is there any way you can check the call sheet and do it against it and tell me? And she goes, okay, give me the number. And I gave her the number. And she was like, oh, her name is. We'll say. What do I say in the book? Lizzie. Okay, Lizzie something. And I go, what's her job? She goes, oh, no, no. We hire out for the COVID testing. She's the COVID nose swabber on set. And I go. And I go, okay. And what does she look like? I'm sorry, I'm just curious. And she's like, well, I mean, I think she's pretty young. She's like, it's weird. They don't have to wear scrubs for some reason. They wear like normal clothes. And yeah, she's kind of like goth. And I was like, what, you think she's young? And she's like, oh, yeah. She goes, I'm 25 and I think she's younger than me. So when I googled her, I found out I was born September 10, 1984. She was born September 6, 1994.

Molly (76:11)

Okay.

Meredith Beardmore (76:12)

She was the same age as his baby sister. I couldn't even believe that this had been going on.

Hannah (76:18)

So gross.

Meredith Beardmore (76:19)

I find out that while I was paying all the bills for all those months that he was doing that, he wasn't staying in a hotel, he was staying with her. So this 26, 27 year old had this 44 year old man living at her place. So I, at this time, I felt like shit about myself. Of course I felt. Cause I saw the. I couldn't find a Picture of her, like, she really isn't on the Internet.

Ad Host (76:52)

And.

Meredith Beardmore (76:52)

Which is weird. She's like, of that age, but, like, has no. Can't find her. But I did find her Venmo and her picture, her hair is like tahir and bangs and it's like silvery lavender ish color and, like, young. Young looking. So I'm all fucked up in the head. I was losing it. And the rage was so. I had never experienced where you could feel so angry that your body starts to sway. Like, you know, like, animals will do that. And I usually have, like, lower blood pressure. It was spiking so much that blood vessels were popping in my eyes. Like, I was getting, like, big red dots on the sides of my. Like, my family had to be like, you got to do something, because this is. This is gonna really affect you. Your health is going down. Like, you're so thin. This is bad. Like, I literally. It sent me into such a dark place that even at one point, and I'm honest about it, I was like, I have to find out more details. Finally, somehow I tracked down who her mom was. And I started.

Hannah (77:54)

You're not crazy. Can I just say that really quickly?

Molly (77:56)

You're not crazy at all.

Meredith Beardmore (77:57)

I was like, your daughter's slept with a married man. And I had to get STD testing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I tell my friends, and thankfully, it was when Facebook had approved that unsend three days before. It saved me, because then, because, like, they told. They were like, no, my. My friend, I have it in there, like, word for word. Because she was, like, texting me. She was like, I think this is misplaced anger. You're gonna get yourself in hot water if you continue to do this.

Hannah (78:24)

This is when I said you type it up and. Or you write it in your journal and you write it really hard in that journal.

Meredith Beardmore (78:30)

Well, yeah, and it was this.

Hannah (78:31)

This book.

Meredith Beardmore (78:32)

And so I unsent them all. But there was many times where I could have really messed up because of my rage. I mean, there's one time a neighbor of mine who was teaching me Muay Thai. That's what she does. And I was like, so tonight my son's gonna fall asleep at this time. I need your car because I know the address, and I'm gonna go slit his tires. And she was like, my car's broken.

Hannah (78:54)

Sorry.

Meredith Beardmore (78:55)

She's like, meredith, we gotta sit down. And what's so funny is, like, it.

Molly (78:59)

Just peaks for so many people can relate. Because so many people are like, I want to freaking slash his tires.

Hannah (79:05)

And it feels good. It like feels weird to be angry sometimes.

Meredith Beardmore (79:09)

At that point he was dragging the divorce on and being so problematic and awful that so annoying. I was like following the rules and doing things the right way have gotten me nowhere in life. Like the savage side of me, you're.

Molly (79:30)

Like, no one else is doing it.

Meredith Beardmore (79:31)

No one else that I was like.

Molly (79:32)

I'm gonna do it myself.

Meredith Beardmore (79:32)

No one's doing. That's how I felt. I was like, I've had it. Being good gets you nowhere. And the other thing was since he was a sound guy, he had mics and packs all the time. And so sometimes when I went to meet a friend when our son was little, I remember coming back and I'm like, why are you in the basement? How do you know that our son is even okay here? He would put mics, like hide them and he's like, oh, I'm listening to him, my ear. I'd be like, okay. But I was like picking my bottles. So then one day, because I was desperate and I have great girlfriends, we went to our really good friend who lives in Grenada, down in the West Indies. And I didn't have the money, but I was like fucking charging on a credit card. I mean, what's the matter now? And I just needed to go and be around women and like get my energy back and get clear headed too. But when I came back, he sent me an email. He goes, how was Grenada? And I was freaked out and I was looking all around the apartment, but I did finally one of my emails cause I have three. One of them I didn't two step code. And so he.

Molly (80:38)

No, he was able to get into it and find out what you were doing.

Meredith Beardmore (80:41)

He was down at. I knew he was down in North Carolina visiting family. And the login was that. And it had been several times and I was like, wow, thank goodness it wasn't my business email where I talked to my lawyer. This was like, I like lucked out with that.

Hannah (80:57)

That's something people. I mean this is a good mental note for everybody. If you are talking to a lawyer or talking about anything sensitive two factor.

Meredith Beardmore (81:05)

Everything, everything, protect yourself. But then things got worse where he kept breaking the protection order. So one night my son, he was really sick and he called me and he kept calling me and calling me and calling me and then finally, I don't know why I answered it and I was like, what? You know you're not supposed to be calling me.

Molly (81:29)

What?

Meredith Beardmore (81:30)

He was like, it's really, really urgent, I need you to go out to the car. Go out to the car. I need to know about the insurance, whatever. And I just was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I ran outside, got the insurance thing, came back inside here. He had been, like, hiding.

Hannah (81:45)

No.

Meredith Beardmore (81:46)

By the back garage.

Molly (81:49)

I don't like it.

Meredith Beardmore (81:49)

He watched me. And then later, I went out and I had cake and flowers. Just left inside of my car.

Molly (81:58)

I do not like it.

Meredith Beardmore (81:59)

And then I checked the ring camera, and it showed where he did it. And then he walked up and then laughed. But I had that, so then I could show, like, he did not respect the law. He did not care about that. Any. Any. Any of it. And so this rage inside of me is just, like, bubbling over. And one of my friends, she's like, come over to my house, and we're talking, and she's like, you heard about Emily Ratajkowski, right? And I was like, what? I love Emily Ratajkowski. I don't know if you know her. She's that famous model, but she also wrote this book called My Body, which is spectacular. Like, incredible. She's cool, she's amazing. And she's like, yeah, she got cheated on by her husband. And I was like, what? Like, I was, like, the most beautiful woman.

Hannah (82:46)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (82:46)

If somebody cheats on Emrata, then so, like, it did. And be honest with you, I needed to hear that. And so I was obsessively looking that up. And the tweets that Emily was liking online and stuff. And one of the tweets, I think she may tweeted herself, like, you never get mad at the younger woman. The power dynamics that are going on, you have no idea. And it really helped because I was so focused on her and what she looked like and why and my wrinkles and just, like, comparing yourself. Comparing myself. And you know how your mind just, like, goes crazy?

Molly (83:18)

Oh, yeah. I think everyone in our audience just collectively nodded their heads. Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (83:24)

And then my friends got me connected to the Somatic Therapist.

Molly (83:28)

What's a somatic Therapist?

Meredith Beardmore (83:30)

It's body. It's like, we hear about psychosomatic, where like, sometimes, like, before, earlier today, I was a little nervous about this, so I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. Do you know what I mean? Psychosomatic. So they're trying to say, get into your body. Your body sends you messages.

Hannah (83:44)

Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (83:45)

Well, because of trauma, I was disassociating. I was somewhere else. I was not in my body. I was afraid to actually, like, feel my body.

Molly (83:51)

So they help you come back to your body and listen to your body.

Meredith Beardmore (83:54)

And listen to your body. She also. Yeah, it was huge and hard. It was so, so hard. I hated it at first. I was like, what is this shit? I had a lot of, like, weird things around anger because my mom and as a woman taught me, you don't show anger because it means that you can't manage your own emotions. And only people that are out of control get angry and upset. And so my therapist really helped me to, like, moving that anger and being like, this is valid. This anger is telling you it's a guidepost. It's a signal like run or you deserve better, or this is wrong that this happened to you. Like it's teaching you anything.

Hannah (84:33)

It's worse.

Meredith Beardmore (84:34)

Exactly. So it's connected to your emotions and it's welcoming every single emotion.

Hannah (84:38)

What's. So are you divorced? Where are you now?

Meredith Beardmore (84:41)

So he was breaking the protection order. And then I was. He would consider ruthless when it came to. I wanted alcohol and drug testing. If he was going to take our son.

Molly (84:52)

Good.

Meredith Beardmore (84:52)

And I was willing to spend any money and all money I had or don't have to make sure that that was in place. He had supervised visitation quite a few times. He canceled 15 minutes before. And so that kept happening. And I waited and waited and waited for him to get sober. But it wasn't happening and he was breaking it. He would go through times where he was very remorseful or whatever. He would get to the fourth step, which if you know anything about step program, that's when you. What's the saying? Like when you make your amends. And he couldn't get past that one. So I was just trying to basically survive during that time. And it got so bad financially because he just stopped paying any child support. Nothing for any of the bill. Nothing. Literally. That was the tactic. Financial would wear me down and to get me to stop. Very common. And it got to the point where I couldn't afford to live in New York. It's a very expensive place. And so after so many. Minnie had had about four times breaking the protection order, the judge granted me to be able to move out of the state, which is actually a very hard thing to do.

Molly (86:06)

Yeah. Because they don't want. Most judges and I think in most states want the child to have access to both cases.

Meredith Beardmore (86:13)

And I did too. No matter what anybody says or any of his family members said, look how hard you worked. Had to be.

Molly (86:20)

You were willing to stick with this idiot.

Meredith Beardmore (86:22)

Even though I did. I know. And my mom would have to be like, you check it. Because I would get Lost in the lies again. Even cuz I just wanted my family. I loved our little unit. I like loved it so much.

Molly (86:33)

Put your baby back in focus and don't take him away from his dad.

Meredith Beardmore (86:36)

Yes. But they were able to. To see the lack of payment and then that I needed that I could. It's several things that you have to prove, like family. There you're gonna be at a better cost of living and all that stuff. So I really couldn't stand. Like, I hated that that was the case. But I reframed how I looked at moving back to Ohio. Like, I'm just pulling the arrow back to launch forward.

Hannah (87:03)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (87:03)

Yeah. So I'm getting back on my feet finally.

Molly (87:06)

Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (87:07)

Our divorce was finally finalized on Valentine's Day.

Molly (87:13)

No, shut up.

Meredith Beardmore (87:14)

I'm not kidding. You cannot make that. Yeah.

Molly (87:17)

Oh my God.

Meredith Beardmore (87:18)

And that was. Wow. Huh? And so we're about a year now.

Hannah (87:24)

We're in.

Molly (87:26)

Hold on, hold on. Hold your pants on.

Meredith Beardmore (87:28)

So divorce happened and I get a call from his friend.

Molly (87:33)

Oh no.

Meredith Beardmore (87:34)

And he's like, I'm really worried about him. I think he's suicidal. You need to like, you know. And he kept being like, no, I don't think you quite understand. And I was like, I don't think you quite understand. He is no longer my husband, my responsibility. I cannot call him to try. Like, they were wanting me to call him. Even though there was still barriers that I'm supposed to fix it. Like, it literally was like, so am I the villain or am I the good guy? Like, what am I? You know? And I had found out. I go, oh, so this friend is very wealthy. He had been living in his dream place, a three bedroom apartment overlooking Central Park. He was giving my ex that place. So he had no incentive to work. And if his income goes down over a period of time, then he's able to pay less for child support. And I told his friend, I said, you don't understand addiction. You are enabling him. He needs to hit rock bottom. You are like, what, what is the incentive when he's living in this?

Hannah (88:34)

Like, why not?

Meredith Beardmore (88:36)

I mean, I've been hurt for very. A long time. Cause I am just like our son should be enough, like to get it together. So unfortunately, he overdosed and died this past.

Molly (88:48)

Oh my God, I'm so sorry for your son.

Meredith Beardmore (88:50)

My son. The rage I have though, like, I grieve, but when my son cries over him, it is. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. It is pure torture. Like, it's worse than anything now. That's not in this book, obviously. This is before he didn't. I mean, this was before it even came out. Yeah, well, just right before there was no way to stop it, because I was even gonna stop it. Cause I was like, I don't want this book to come out. But then it's also like, well, it's my story. But I felt really just like I've wanted to go into a hermit shell and just disappear in a way, but I can't. I have to be good for my son.

Molly (89:32)

Do you feel guilty that the book came out knowing that your son's father lost his life?

Meredith Beardmore (89:38)

Do you know what I mean?

Molly (89:38)

Like, I could imagine how there might.

Meredith Beardmore (89:40)

Be a little bit of that. No, I did. But then at the same time, I'm like, my life has been controlled by him for so many now. Even in his death, I'm gonna be controlled by it. And I also.

Molly (89:53)

You can't. It doesn't let go of you.

Hannah (89:55)

I was gonna say also, I feel like that's a statement to many women who. It's like, that doesn't invalidate your story. Just because his ended tragically. It is tragic. And that it was still abused.

Molly (90:06)

I'm so sorry that still happened.

Hannah (90:08)

You still.

Meredith Beardmore (90:08)

Thank you.

Hannah (90:09)

Half the story.

Molly (90:11)

Yes.

Meredith Beardmore (90:11)

And my publisher did give me the option. He was like, do you want to put. I mean, the first five. He was like, they're already printed. We can't. But he's like, do you want to put something? And I was like, no, because I don't want a woman to read this. Like, that's worst case scenario. That's what I was so afraid of happening for so many years against me.

Molly (90:30)

And goes, well, I can't do it because I don't want to do it.

Meredith Beardmore (90:31)

No, I can't do it now. I don't want this to, like, void the message in the book. Like, to think. Because I'm like, you can still my son's life. I really hoped my ex was going to. Like, we were already in Ohio for a year and a half before this happened. Like, I really hoped he was gonna turn it around.

Molly (90:48)

Right.

Meredith Beardmore (90:49)

And unfortunately, he did it. Some people do.

Hannah (90:53)

Many people do.

Meredith Beardmore (90:53)

Does it make you feel guilty?

Molly (90:55)

Like, oh, if I hadn't left him.

Meredith Beardmore (90:57)

I went through that for, like, a hot second. But then I was like, no, I'm.

Molly (91:02)

Not taking your bath.

Meredith Beardmore (91:06)

I felt bad, but I felt bad. And I've mourned it so much before because I was like, that person died. He was like a zombie walking around without, like, his real. Who he was. When you say he overdosed, do you.

Molly (91:19)

Mean like, he overdosed intentionally or he.

Meredith Beardmore (91:21)

Was like, I don't know, doing drugs?

Molly (91:23)

And what did he overdo?

Meredith Beardmore (91:24)

I don't think ultimately alcohol. Oh. And we don't know if he did.

Molly (91:28)

It on accident or if it was intentional. Nobody's gonna. Nobody's ever gonna know.

Meredith Beardmore (91:31)

But. So that girl, I actually feel. Because I'm like, she's. For that to happen, bad thing. Like, this is like. It's seriously. It's like she's gonna be affected forever with that.

Molly (91:43)

That's an interesting take. That you feel compassion for her because now she's carrying the burden too. Like, now she's carrying this.

Meredith Beardmore (91:50)

She is forever. I actually. We did end up speaking briefly and this will be the next book after. But we spoke and she was like, I just was used to dropping everything, and this is the one time that I didn't do it. So she has that guilt. Yeah. So she feels guilt.

Hannah (92:08)

What would you. As. I mean, you're a therapist, what would you tell someone going through something like this? You're like, I wrote a whole book about that. That's a big question.

Meredith Beardmore (92:17)

Big question. But I think if. I'm wondering which part. If we're talking about being cheated on. And I do believe what Emrata. I think it's valid to have your feelings. But it is. He was the one that needed to be loyal to me.

Molly (92:34)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (92:34)

And I think she was younger and really duped and used in some ways. Well, that was.

Molly (92:41)

I was thinking that earlier when you said she was younger. I mean, sometimes it seems to me that if someone goes for someone younger, it's because they think if they're younger, they're dumber and they can get away with more stuff.

Meredith Beardmore (92:52)

That's the thing. I was. I wasn't gonna. I was holding his feet to the fire. I was holding him account accountable. He go to the enablers.

Hannah (92:59)

And I'm not saying she was an intentional enabler, but she didn't know any better.

Meredith Beardmore (93:02)

No, I don't think she. And she also saw him, fell in love with him and his element on set. And I'm sure he was really, you know, all of that. And I saw the other side at.

Molly (93:13)

Home and she's younger, so less experience being manipulated, so she might not recognize.

Meredith Beardmore (93:18)

It as easily or whatever.

Molly (93:19)

It's not because she's dumb. It's just.

Meredith Beardmore (93:21)

Because it's just.

Hannah (93:23)

You can.

Meredith Beardmore (93:23)

She doesn't. It's so sad.

Molly (93:27)

And the ultimate victim is your son.

Meredith Beardmore (93:29)

It is.

Molly (93:30)

That's the ultimate Victim.

Hannah (93:31)

Can we talk about the you? I mean, rage has come up throughout this. Yeah.

Molly (93:36)

How did you. Yeah, how did you overcome that? You said you're still exposed.

Hannah (93:39)

Can I tell you, I just made merch. I started a self defense workshop and I made merch that says support women's rage.

Meredith Beardmore (93:44)

Oh, my God. So you'd like a hat?

Hannah (93:45)

I just got the samples.

Meredith Beardmore (93:47)

Please. I will wear it. I will promote it. Everything. Yes.

Hannah (93:50)

Because I'm like, we all are keeping it down.

Meredith Beardmore (93:53)

We all are. We gotta move it out, move it through your body. And also, like, look like I feel some kind of way toward her to some degree. Of course. Of course. But I also have to stay on what he was doing and how abusive it really was. And that rage, I mean, my somatic therapist would make me. She goes, your homework is to write a letter to your anger and we'll read it next time. And I was like, I don't even know. Like, I'm a kind of person that's like, I need more direction than that. Like, that's not write a letter to my anger.

Molly (94:32)

But what was the thing? That's right.

Meredith Beardmore (94:34)

No, I know.

Molly (94:35)

Fuck you. Exclamation point. Let's read that next week.

Meredith Beardmore (94:38)

But what came out when I really sat with it for, during that week in between our sessions, and I was like, thank you. Like, I should have listened to you a long time ago. I'm so sorry I've been neglecting you my anger. Like, I'll never stuff you down. I will never stuff you down. You were trying to protect me all the times when I would feel rage. But we feel guilty for being angry and being empathetic. And it's like when your kindness is seen as a weakness and used against you. And I was like, it's okay to be fucking angry. And it's okay.

Molly (95:12)

Anger is an emotion.

Meredith Beardmore (95:13)

It's an emotion that's a valid emotion. You where to go and what to do.

Hannah (95:18)

Did anybody ever police your anger? Because I've personally experienced where I'm like, angry, and then maybe it's like, oh, but I raise. I snapped. And so now it's almost like it invalidates the emotions because I let it out in a way that probably was mean. And that's fair. It's all I take accountability for. If you yell at somebody you shouldn't yell at, whatever. But it's like, it's hard for me sometimes where I'm like, feeling angered leads to behaviors like, you said you DM.

Meredith Beardmore (95:44)

The woman that the, the mom. I, I, how do we forgive Ourselves.

Hannah (95:49)

For what rage makes us do, I guess.

Meredith Beardmore (95:51)

Said your friend is a home wrecking whore. Like, I literally lost my mind.

Hannah (95:56)

Okay, so how do you forgive yourself for that? Because I relate. I know I've made mistakes because that I'm allowed to have.

Meredith Beardmore (96:02)

Yes, Allowed to have it. Allowing myself that and like, giving.

Molly (96:06)

Just.

Meredith Beardmore (96:06)

All it is is permission, where it's like just permission to be angry and to feel all of those feelings and holding all of those things at once, too. Like, I can be. Because I thought if I'm raging, then I must not be a good therapist, a good mother. Like, I literally. I had a weird thing going on, and it's like, no. Like, I'm allowed to be. I can be a professional person and also be wanting to rage. And I mean, I still have it. And so because.

Molly (96:36)

Because you're human.

Meredith Beardmore (96:37)

Because I'm human and I'm grieving and I'm seeing my son grieve and I'm fucking pissed.

Molly (96:41)

Yeah.

Meredith Beardmore (96:42)

Like, I go up and my therapist taught me, like, if I can, I go into the car and drive and scream at the top of my lungs. But. Yeah, but not. But honest. But she's like, from a guttural place. Like, from my stomach. I screams and I do not ignore my anger anymore. And it helps me. It's like that intuition, like the thing where I'm. Like, it moves my hand.

Molly (97:00)

Yep.

Meredith Beardmore (97:01)

It's the same thing. It's this. It's guiding you. And it's like, it benefits other people that aren't so great for us to keep stuffing it down and to be ignoring it.

Hannah (97:12)

Yeah, it's being convenient for us.

Meredith Beardmore (97:13)

I would love to hear updates. Don't betray yourself in the. In the future.

Molly (97:16)

Like, I would love to hear how.

Hannah (97:17)

You'Re doing and how your son is.

Molly (97:18)

Doing, how your son's doing, how you're healing, how you're grieving. If you don't mind sharing, we'd love.

Meredith Beardmore (97:23)

To hear Plug Everything.

Hannah (97:25)

Plug the name of your book, your YouTube, your Instagram, whatever.

Meredith Beardmore (97:28)

Yes, I have. This book is the Plan B. Divorce, Defiance, Liberation. It's available anywhere. Worldwide, too. I have a YouTube channel called Mend With Me and Mend.

Molly (97:41)

Like Mend M, E, N D. Oh, Mend. Okay.

Meredith Beardmore (97:44)

Mend With Mare.

Molly (97:45)

Mend with Mare.

Meredith Beardmore (97:46)

That's my nickname, Mare. I like it. So Mend with Mayor. And you can find me at Mend with Mare on TikTok Instagram.

Hannah (97:54)

All the things we'll put in the.

Molly (97:55)

Show notes, of course. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing this. Pick up the book thank you for.

Meredith Beardmore (97:59)

Not being afraid, book club. Oh, yes.

Molly (98:02)

Thank you for not being afraid to talk about the kind of harder parts.

Meredith Beardmore (98:05)

Where it's like, oh, is this something I can talk about?

Molly (98:07)

Yes. And I think it should be talked about more. So thank you.

Meredith Beardmore (98:10)

I really appreciate it. Thank you for giving me a platform.

Molly (98:26)

Holy bananas.

Hannah (98:27)

I love.

Molly (98:28)

I told you, I told you guys. It was a lot. I. I really do love her. She was a great guest. And again, speaking to the fact that she's a therapist and still went through all this and it might be so easy to say, oh, she's a therapist. Why couldn't she see this behavior or recognize it sooner or whatever.

Hannah (98:47)

The age old question, why couldn't we see this behavior?

Molly (98:50)

Why couldn't any of us?

Hannah (98:51)

Yeah, well, that's a big thing with this off the bat. I do want to just make sure we say addiction does not equal dogfish, liar, cheater, abuser. Addiction is not the reason that he is who he is. I mean, that is. Yeah, it's too simple.

Molly (99:10)

Still count, right?

Hannah (99:12)

Yeah. The behavior, why they happen. And there's so many reasons why people are led into those behaviors. And if we just say, well, he was an addict, that excuses it, then that doesn't help anybody.

Molly (99:25)

Yeah, it. It doesn't. It really doesn't. So then that because he's an addict, there's an additional thing to address. There's an additional problem to address. But this was. Just because you're an addict does not excuse the behavior, period.

Hannah (99:39)

I, I'm sure, I'm sure a lot of people will relate to this, whether they've gone through it themselves or supported somebody or loved somebody going through it. Because I know a lot of times the way to support someone is like. Feels very counterintuitive.

Molly (99:50)

Yeah. And just. Yeah, exactly. But a really interesting perspective, especially from a therapist.

Hannah (99:57)

I mean, and just the feeling she has to go through now after his death is unfathomable.

Molly (100:05)

That crushed.

Hannah (100:06)

But I do think it's a good conversation to talk about when someone dies, when someone dies by suicide. Especially that you had a complicated history with like, it's like mourning I. Mourning your abuser, mourning the ex that hurt you. I mean, like, that I am so lucky to not experience that emotions. And I think it's a small club of people that probably really don't want to be in that club. Like I am. I'm glad that she's being so honest about having anger. That's healthy in a situation that I think most of us would be afraid to admit that we're angry still.

Molly (100:43)

But. Well, because we are conditioned to. If someone dies, you have to be sensitive and you've got to be really compassionate and oh, no, that's a loss of life. Right. Someone has taken their life and that's a very sad thing. But when it's someone that has hurt you as bad as he did, it's okay to be angry too. Like, that's a human. That's a normal human feeling. It's just, you can't.

Hannah (101:07)

It's totally. And same thing goes. It's like you can be angry and your behavior still you're accountable for. Like, if you're angry and then you go egg their car, that's.

Molly (101:16)

Yeah.

Hannah (101:16)

You know, like, you're still in trouble for that, but your anger is not the problem. I'm so glad we had that whole conversation about anger because I've been thinking about it so much recently and in a way that has gotten pushback. Like, I've talked to people and I'm just like, women need to be angrier. And they're like, it's not like, why do you have to say it like that? And I'm like, okay, well, yeah, I guess it's a top line slogan type thing, like support women's rage. But really, to me, it's just that we try to push everything down and we feel guilty whenever we feel a human emotion like that. And if we didn't, where would we be? Like, how much more would we defend ourselves, stand up for ourselves, separate ourselves from denial or feelings of guilt if we didn't feel like we weren't allowed to be angry?

Molly (102:02)

Well, I feel like a lot of that is because if a strong emotion comes from a woman, we're being dramatic because women do. We're hysterical. And so those feelings are. I feel like a lot of times people say, oh, you're. If the same feelings came from a man, it wouldn't seem as dramatic. A lot of times is what is what people are thinking. And I just don't. That's the, that's the narrative that I think you're trying to break. Right. Like, it's. Just because it's coming from a woman doesn't mean that we're dramatic. It's just facts.

Hannah (102:30)

And the problem is if you don't let it out, it goes somewhere. It either goes to your back pain, it goes to.

Molly (102:37)

It manifests in your body, like the.

Hannah (102:39)

Way you treat someone else or how you treat yourself. Like, it comes out and.

Molly (102:43)

Yeah. So if I go off on y', all, you're welcome.

Hannah (102:46)

Yeah, exactly. At least you know how I feel. No, again, we are responsible for our actions. But turning anger into something good, like a memoir or Lily Allen's album, like, there are ways to be healthy and be angry, and I don't know. Oh, okay. So her being a therapist is interesting for this as well, because I think a lot of our guests don't take the route of being angry at the other woman. At. I mean, I be this angry themselves, like, and I love that. I love hearing the people that are able to forgive and move on and be at peace. And I'm like, wow, you are better than you. Yeah, literally. But I think it's interesting that a therapist is the one that seemed the most that we've had, like, comfortable with expressing that very human reaction.

Molly (103:35)

Yes. And it is very human.

Hannah (103:37)

Is human. Exactly. It was misplaced. Maybe it might be wrong, but it doesn't make you a bad person to have that reaction.

Molly (103:45)

But also, imagine going back to the anger after his death and, like, oh, how can you feel angry? Like, imagine the total mind f. Of going through this whole thing. Let's talk about the denial where, like, he was so good, and then how do you get your brain to realize that, like, you're like, no way he's fallen this far down. Like, you know, this is not the same person anymore. You can't even believe that this is the same person. And so now you're confused about what's happening. You don't want to believe that this person is this person that you didn't know. You're like, what the. Where did this come from? And so then it's just a bunch of emotions that are all just human emotions.

Hannah (104:26)

I think you're right. And that also, like, she had to mourn the person he was for eight years when he just changed himself so much. And I think that probably contributes to the way her, like, mourning his death now is like, she already did a lot of mourning. Any divorce is a lot of mourning.

Molly (104:46)

Yeah, it's. It's a lot for anyone, and especially, like, let's talk about being a mama. So you have mom guilt, and then you have husband guilt or spouse guilt. Whenever it's. You know, now there's. There's a competition between the attention you're giving to the child and the spouse. And so that exists, and it's just innately within us as. As women to have a little bit of that guilt. Maybe, like, you know, a little. Yeah, it's a lot.

Hannah (105:10)

I mean, also, he was like, you're not fun anymore.

Molly (105:13)

Yeah, like, sorry, fella.

Meredith Beardmore (105:15)

What?

Hannah (105:16)

It all fell on her so much. And, yeah, denial was real.

Molly (105:19)

That's a lot to take.

Hannah (105:21)

So much to take. And you're just trying to keep everything afloat. And it's not like you have time to sit down and necessarily give yourself as much therapy as you probably need, you know?

Molly (105:29)

Yeah, exactly.

Hannah (105:30)

Time. She is awesome. I also have a few questions that. But I just. Y' all gotta help us decipher, like, what the heck was going on with all those IDs?

Meredith Beardmore (105:41)

Oh, all the.

Molly (105:42)

That just adds to the confusion. And a confused mind says no. Like, a confused mind is like, no. Like, of course she was angry. How can. If you're confused like that. Being confused makes me mad. Like, I can't handle being confused. That's what frustrates me the most. And so imagine that confusion and.

Hannah (105:58)

Yeah, no kidding.

Molly (105:59)

All leading to these. These emotions of anger. And, you know, it's too much.

Hannah (106:05)

But I want to hear what people like. Has anybody ever experienced something like that before where you. Somebody was stealing a bunch of IDs? Like, is it just like identity theft? I mean, literally it is, but, like, what are all the possibilities of that reasoning? Or could it just be, like, kind of random?

Molly (106:22)

It's weird. Like, it's so weird. What else didn't she catch? Like, what did not she. What did not she find out about.

Hannah (106:29)

Did not she find out one thing she did. I think that was great. She did a. A lot of surround. Like, she start. I mean, she was isolated for a while, but her mom, she brought in whenever there were moments. Like those moments of him being violent. Like, I feel like, just call your people, have people and call your people. And if you need people, join the Patreon. I'm, like, half kidding because I just love that you can make friends through dating detectives who, you know, have the same values as you on this.

Molly (107:00)

Yeah. And I also shout out to our listeners and our Patreon, you guys have always been so kind to one another and supportive of our guests and all the kind messages that you share. It's been, I imagine, just that community, just knowing that you're a little less alone, just hearing other people going through what you might have experienced. And it's just nice to know other people went through it, too. Not because you want it to happen to them, obviously. Just because it's nice to know you're not alone.

Hannah (107:27)

You're not alone. And you can bring that experience into other relationships in a way that makes them even better. And I think she does that, like, she now as a therapist and she can specialize in addiction and she can help people through things she probably never wanted to be able to help them through on a first person basis. But.

Molly (107:46)

And it's going to make her a much better therapist. Like I, I bet it has made her a much better therapist overall. And she's so cool. I, I love.

Hannah (107:56)

She also dressed really well.

Molly (107:58)

Oh man, she's so cool.

Hannah (108:00)

I feel like you need to know that everyone, I was gonna read a little bit from the back of her book just so you guys know where you can find her. Meredith Beardmore, also known as Mend with Mayor on her successful YouTube channel, is a renowned psychotherapist based outside New York City. An Ohio State University graduate, she specializes in substance abuse and supports the family members of the afflicted. And then there's a bunch of other stuff about her extreme success. She's written other books and you should follow her on YouTube to dissect song lyrics with her or you should buy her book, Plan B, Divorce, Defiance, Liberation. And we're gonna do the book for book club this month. Our book is Pretty Things by Janelle Brown. You have plenty of time to read it. We haven't set a date yet. And then afterwards we'll do Planned Chronicles by Meredith Beardmore. Well, enjoy everybody and let us know what you think of the episode. And we love you.

Molly (108:54)

Yeah. Thank you for sharing us on your socials and on your show. On your socials, socials and always. You can email us your story anytime. Investigate thedatingdetectivespodcast.com we would love to be an ear or a platform for you, so don't be afraid to reach out to us. And as always, trust your fetion.

Meredith Beardmore (109:35)

Sam.